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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
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Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful.
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Now your host, Dr.
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Kamal Akhtar.
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Hello, hello, hello everyone.
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Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
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Today I'm going to be talking about building relational intelligence, especially for introverts.
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Let's say you're inspired by someone, you're looking at another woman's life and you're seeing the outcomes she's creating.
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You're seeing that she's trusted by influential people, she is very spiritually grounded, she has meaningful relationships, and you see that she just seems to be invited into opportunities.
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What you do to try and explain all of that is you invent a personality trait.
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You say that she must be an extrovert.
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And I want to challenge this whole notion.
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I hear intelligent Muslim women say all the time I've never been good with people.
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I'm an introvert.
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Networking doesn't come natural to me.
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And every time I hear it, I think to myself, that is not really the problem.
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The problem is simply that that's the story you've practiced for the longest time.
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In this scenario, do you really see what your brain is doing?
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You took something that can be learned and transformed, and you made it mean into something fixed.
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Because if it's a personality trait, then you don't have to change.
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If the woman you're inspired by creates success from networking, then it's possible that it's because she's an extrovert and that has a little something to do with her success, but not in a sense that you might actually think.
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And I don't want to talk about networking in a sense where it sounds transactional.
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It sounds like collecting business cards and adding people on LinkedIn and attending conferences to get to know people to see what you can extract for them.
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That's not what I'm talking about.
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I'm talking about becoming the kind of Muslim woman whose relationships become one of her greatest assets.
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And the people she's in these relationships with are what the assets Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala entrusted her with.
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A woman who invests in people because she genuinely values them, not because she is calculating what they'll do for her next.
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Relationships built on sincerity and high values can be one of the greatest forms of risk on this earth.
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And yet many women spend years focusing on money education, self-development, which are all good assets, but you can't neglect the very infrastructure that allows all of these blessings to multiply.
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And that infrastructure is meaningful relationships.
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So what I was saying is that I see this in highly intelligent women all the time that they lie to themselves.
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And the smarter you are, the more sophisticated the lie becomes.
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To justify your introversion and your personality trait, you say I value deep conversations.
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You say I don't like small talk.
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You say things like I'm just selective.
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The only difference between introversion and extroversion is how one gains their energy.
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If you gather energy by being alone, that's part of the definition of introversion.
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If you gain energy and rejuvenate by being around people, that's part of the definition of extroversion.
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Everything else is made up.
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Your elaborate descriptions around how introversion keeps you from networking is just another way to avoid connection.
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It's a type of an intellectual defense that you create for yourself.
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So I'm gonna start by giving you my example.
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Alhamdulillah, I have a great network of friends.
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I have an amazing professional network, but I do have to say I did not wake up with this.
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This did not spawn into existence out of nowhere one day.
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You might tend to assume when you look at my life that I naturally know a lot of people.
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You might notice me surrounded by physicians, entrepreneurs, coaches, scholars, community leaders, professionals, and you might assume that it comes naturally.
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What your brain is doing is seeing the output and completely missing the process.
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You don't see the years of effort it took me, especially being an introvert.
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While I followed up on people I met in conferences, you don't see the dinners I arrange or the collaborations I create, the introductions I make between two people.
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I take time out to create thoughtful messages, and I remember meaningful facts from conversations.
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None of that happened just because suddenly I became an extrovert.
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It happened because I stopped
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relying on a personality description of introversion and extroversion that was keeping me chained.
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Don't get me wrong, I'm still very much an introvert.
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I gain energy, I relax by being alone.
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And since I value relationships, I value contribution, I built these relationships through systems, especially because I don't want to delegate a lot of my working memory for remembering all of the details of these relationships.
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And for that reason I created systems.
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Every meaningful area of my life improves the moment I build systems around it.
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And relationships are no different.
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And you already understand this principle at some level because you understand how investments work.
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Because imagine somebody asked you how you became financially secure, and you answered, I consistently invested over 20 years.
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I have a system built in place.
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Now imagine they replied with no, you're just naturally wealthy.
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That would sound absurd to you because you understand how compounding works with money.
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Yet the moment you look at someone with extraordinary relationship wealth, you suddenly forget everything you know about the concept of compounding, and you try to explain it away by saying they're just naturally charismatic and social.
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No, they're not.
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Or maybe they are, but what you are actually looking for is what's going to benefit you, and that is you noticing that they invested in thousands of small relational investments and that compounded over the years until they became giants and impossible to ignore.
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You can choose the relationships you want to compound over time or the ones you want to phase out.
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And there's no shame regarding phasing the relationships out that have completed their cycle.
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You're contributing towards relationship investments every time you remember somebody else's struggle and you make dua for them.
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Every time you celebrate someone else's victory, every sincere congratulation, every introduction between two people, these are all deposits in your relational equity.
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And the opposite of course is also true.
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Every time you tell yourself you're too busy to check in, it takes too much of your time and energy, you're too overwhelmed to host, this is going to create an empty bank account from which you can't withdraw.
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One of the very important factors that plays a huge role in this dynamic is the Muslim woman's individualism trap.
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And I think because of the Western culture, a lot of Muslim women have been absorbed in an individualistic definition of success.
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You might tell yourself, I'll heal first and then I'll build relationships.
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I'll become successful first and confident first and then people will be attracted to me.
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I'll build my business first and then that's how I'll create a community.
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But you also have to remember that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala created you for relationships.
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Your nervous system regulates through safe connection.
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And while that is the case, your character also develops through difficult people.
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Think of it like this your patience requires another human being to practice itself against.
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Your generosity requires somebody to give to.
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So Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala uses all of these mechanisms to make you emotionally healthy.
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So for all of my introverted women that are listening, while social capital is an amazing asset, you can develop it in a communal, non extractive, non exploitative way.
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You can let go all of your definition of individualistic success.
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You can co-create your success with community.
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And this is a skill like everything else that I teach you in this podcast.
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Someone who is an extrovert comes to this relationship development with a different system compared to someone who's an introvert.
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It's just a matter of knowing what works for you.
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And yes, I keep repeating the word systems here because the easiest way for me to coach you remotely is to make it super simple and applicable and show you how to place systems in your life that does these things beautifully.
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So if you have aspirations to have a wealth of beautiful and meaningful relationships and it is currently requiring so much of your energy that it seems impossible, then you need to develop your relational operating system.
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You need architecture.
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You might already have all the information that you need.
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Through this architecture, when the system starts to come to shape, you will see that the work it usually took for you to create these relationships has been cut in half.
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I personally created a system that is directly in line with my values.
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Values being that I want to celebrate other women in their success.
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I want to show support when she's going through a hard time.
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So according to that system, I don't wake up every morning wondering whether I should reach out to someone or not.
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The system that I've put into place has already decided that for me.
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I don't wonder whether I should congratulate somebody in person over a text message or just say it on their Instagram reel.
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The system takes the confusion out.
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The confusion would have me believe that I'm unable to reach out because I'm an introvert, while the system decides that I reach out regardless of what means I do it through.
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The system eliminates decision fatigue.
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You don't sit there and worry about how you don't want to sound ignorant in your message.
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You don't worry about how you haven't seen her in so long and saying sorry for your loss seems out of the blue.
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You just message, you reach out to the person based on your system in place that is founded in your values.
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It takes drama out of the picture.
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It saves you immense decision fatigue.
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If you have to think for more than 30 seconds about who you want to reach out to, you don't have a strong enough system in place yet.
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And this does not have to be an extremely sophisticated system, although your AI employee might already be very capable of creating it.
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The system can just be that you open your contacts and you give it a big swipe up and you close your eyes and you stop at the contact.
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And whatever contact you land it at, you're going to talk to them.
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The system can be that you do this process with a physical contact book.
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Your system can be literally anything that your individual intelligent mind creates for you until it becomes a habit, and you will see that this way your relationships will begin to compound automatically.
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Ask yourself uplifting questions Who can I elevate today?
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Who can I connect today?
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Whose voice can I amplify?
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Whose work can I make visible?
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Who can I publicly celebrate?
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How can I create spaces where people naturally meet and feel comfortable?
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Through these systems when you become a woman who builds bridges, you're going to become unforgettable.
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And through this natural flow, you're creating ecosystems where resources naturally circulate.
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People will trust you more if you're consistent and predictable in your dealings with them.
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If this level of relationship building feels like another responsibility, then you're still in the beginning of the process of automating it.
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If it still feels like work, it's because it's not familiar to you yet, and all of that is okay.
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Continue to work and sculpt this system.
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It will take a fascinating shape over time.
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The woman with extraordinary relationships is not the loudest, she's not even the prettiest, she's not even the funniest or the most charismatic person in the room.
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She is simply consistent with her system.
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Whatever system you have to put in place, do so.
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System to remember names, system around what your value dictates.
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Maybe you automate a process of sending handwritten notes to people.
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Maybe when you go to retreats and conferences you send messages in the group chat, or you send individual messages and check back with them months later.
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Maybe you celebrate people when there's absolutely nothing to gain for you.
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As an introvert, my brain frequently says that I want depth and meaning in relationships.
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And while that is true and I have that among my closest relationships and friends, if I use that sentence to create a barrier between me and other women in the world, then I'm not using it correctly.
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Many of you listening to this podcast have incredible depth, depth of ideas and personality, but when you combine this depth with consistency, your influence will begin to expand exponentially.
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I want to clarify a few things when I talk about relational equity and building social capital, especially when I equate this with compounding when it comes to wealth management, it has this subtle implication of turning people into currency.
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When what I actually mean is when people care about someone, they would go out of their way to help them.
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That is a natural compounding effect.
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And you would do the same for someone you care for.
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So I like using this term social capital in this context because all of the language and the understanding you already carry around wealth building, it makes it very easy for me to communicate what I'm trying to say, with the caveat that we're not turning people or their skills into tradable objects.
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And we're not doing this because they go up and down in their value.
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I'm saying this more in the context of how you're building relational equity, especially if it's one of your
foundational values.
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Relational equity is trust, it's goodwill.
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It's becoming the kind of a woman that people instinctively think of because your integrity has become a part of your reputation.
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It is built by repeatedly being curious about people, by uplifting other women, following through with your commitments, and all of this is a sunnah of the Prophet, peace be upon him.
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He had one of the highest relational and social intelligences ever recorded.
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I mention this because we separate personal development from Islam as though building relationships is a modern business strategy.
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Don't forget it is prophetic guidance.
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The Prophet, peace be upon him, strengthened the community, even before the revelation.
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Healthy relationships are not a distraction from your Deen.
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They are one of its greatest manifestations.
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So for your homework this week, I don't want you to try becoming more extroverted.
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I want you to become intentional with the system you're going to put in place.
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Maybe you want to reach out.
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Introduce two people.
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Maybe you want to invite somebody for tea.
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Think of something that makes for a meaningful deposit in your relational bank account.
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Tell somebody you made dua for them.
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Follow through on a promise that you might have been postponing.
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And if any of these actions seem insignificant, don't fall a victim to that lie.
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Because this is exactly how compounding works.
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No single small investment makes you wealthy.
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No single relationship action changes your life.
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It's the consistency that matters.
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As an introvert, when I want to reach out to more people, and I just dread the amount of energy it's going to take, I just remind myself that I can rest and relax at my own time.
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And that is also a part of my system.
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And outside of that I continue to build the architecture of the system that I've put into place.
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The system helps me meet my goals.
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Your system might include Monday you will text three people.
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Tuesday you will comment thoughtfully on five people's posts.
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Wednesday you will spend extra twenty minutes on your Zoom meeting just talking about personal life.
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Thursday you will invite one person for coffee.
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Friday you will leave a voice note for two people.
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Sunday you will sit in reflection.
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Who energizes me?
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Who shares my values?
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Who do I want to invest in more?
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Who do I want to become closer to?
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How can I improve and revise this system?
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Extroversion and introversion is an energy preference.
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Relational intelligence is a practice.
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You're looking for the output of successful connection.
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What you're seeing is the result of repeated relationship investments and actually enjoying the process.
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Both introverts and extroverts have that capacity.
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The woman with the strongest relationships is the woman with the strongest system.
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And she might not call it that because it comes naturally to her.
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But you have my permission to call it that, and you can create a system that suits you best.
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So after this podcast, I want you to stop calling yourself an introvert as though it explains your future.
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Maybe you are an introvert, maybe you're an ambivert, maybe you recharge yourself by being alone.
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None of this determines the quality of the relationships that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has written for you in your risk.
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Every relationship you intentionally nurture becomes another opportunity for you to love another human being for the sake of Allah.
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And perhaps your greatest legacy will be the people who became better because they knew you.
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Years from now, your life will not be the result of your intelligence or your degrees.
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It will be the result of the people you intentionally invested in.
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Relationships do truly compound like wealth, and the greatest investment you made this week will be the connection you made with another human being.
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With that I pray to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, O Allah, make me the source of connection.
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Purify my intentions so that I seek people for your sake and not for my ego.
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Praise sincerity in my heart when it comes to generosity in my relationships.
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Surround me with companions who bring me closer to you, Yarab.
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Help me develop the skill of making somebody else feeling seen and honored.
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Bless the relationships you've already written for me, and allow every act of kindness and every sincere connection to become an investment that earns your pleasure alone.
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Amin Yarab Al Amin, please keep me in your draas, I will talk to you guys next time.