Discovering My Scars: Chapter 9 "43,829 Hours"의 전체 녹취록

an opportunity to do that, I have a package called the technical who fake it. 00:04:04.168 --> 00:04:06.883 Well and I think that's interesting the word like what are you going to park? 00:04:06.883 --> 00:04:07.848 Because you don't. 00:04:07.848 --> 00:04:11.248 You know, with a car you don't just keep it parked, you have to keep it moving. 00:04:11.248 --> 00:04:18.687 And so you're talking about temporarily parking, but then when you get, when you're done, then you're going to move it and work on it. 00:04:18.687 --> 00:04:29.829 And so for me, this wasn't working on it, it was just this was the show I was putting on and, um, not actually dealing with the stuff that needed to be dealt with. 00:04:30.139 --> 00:04:36.454 Yeah, one day I got the courage to talk to our new store leader, marco. 00:04:36.454 --> 00:04:39.105 He and I had a good working relationship. 00:04:39.105 --> 00:04:42.533 He respected me, my team and my leadership. 00:04:42.533 --> 00:04:46.608 When the meeting began, I had no idea what I was going to say. 00:04:46.608 --> 00:04:48.732 All I had was mustard seed faith. 00:04:49.420 --> 00:04:55.483 I told Marco I loved my job and wanted to keep it, but I needed some time to focus on me and my mental health. 00:04:55.483 --> 00:05:00.802 I told him I would like to take a month off and go back to Tallahassee to have some time with my doctor. 00:05:00.802 --> 00:05:07.389 When I finished sharing which I did calmly and concisely he looked at my face with kindness and compassion in his. 00:05:07.389 --> 00:05:10.178 He told me I could go, I should go. 00:05:10.178 --> 00:05:12.286 He didn't want to lose me as an employee. 00:05:12.286 --> 00:05:15.377 He fully supported me taking time off for myself. 00:05:15.377 --> 00:05:21.779 He said he would let me put vacation and sick time together so I could go get paid with my job waiting for me. 00:05:21.779 --> 00:05:22.663 When I got back. 00:05:22.663 --> 00:05:24.790 This was a mustard seed moment. 00:05:24.790 --> 00:05:30.547 It was a moment that didn't seem real, but it was real because it had been God's plan for me all along. 00:05:31.408 --> 00:05:43.245 Okay, I wanted to pause there because you say in the book he told me I could go, I should go, and we've had a lot of conversations about how no one can shoot on us. 00:05:43.245 --> 00:05:47.115 But this was a good should. 00:05:47.115 --> 00:05:48.119 That was a good should. 00:05:48.158 --> 00:05:50.843 Yeah, I knew you would call that out. 00:05:50.843 --> 00:05:59.415 Yeah, I even texted should to my mom the other day and she was like I'm not going to shoot on you and put should in all caps. 00:05:59.415 --> 00:06:01.567 I was like what do you think I should do or something? 00:06:01.567 --> 00:06:04.358 She's like I will not shoot on you. 00:06:04.358 --> 00:06:11.016 I love that it's become such an ingrained thing that we like yeah If we hear should, oh no, no, no, no. 00:06:11.278 --> 00:06:11.377 I. 00:06:11.377 --> 00:06:13.161 You would be surprised how often I use that. 00:06:13.161 --> 00:06:16.891 Yeah, yeah, like that's my advice to people oh, don't let anyone shoot on you, yeah. 00:06:17.180 --> 00:06:24.024 And it's true, because it's something that I think societally like, we just like we do things because we should do them. 00:06:24.024 --> 00:06:26.774 It's like wait, step back, do you want to? 00:06:26.774 --> 00:06:28.620 Yeah, is this something you want to do? 00:06:28.620 --> 00:06:33.391 Like, and don't let somebody tell you what you have to do or need to do. 00:06:33.391 --> 00:06:34.552 What do you want to do? 00:06:34.552 --> 00:06:36.185 Is this important to you? 00:06:36.185 --> 00:06:38.072 And don't just do it because you should. 00:06:39.115 --> 00:06:40.940 But this is an example of a good should. 00:06:41.141 --> 00:06:42.083 Yes, it was. 00:06:42.083 --> 00:06:43.966 Yeah, I like that. 00:06:43.966 --> 00:06:50.843 When the time came, I packed and drove to Tallahassee in my green Honda CR-V. 00:06:50.843 --> 00:06:53.706 During the drive, I began processing. 00:06:53.706 --> 00:06:55.269 It felt like life stopped. 00:06:55.269 --> 00:06:58.057 I was taking a break from the path of success. 00:06:58.057 --> 00:06:59.781 We are told to travel from birth. 00:06:59.781 --> 00:07:04.298 Get a job, work, get a mate, get a house, get a kid. 00:07:04.298 --> 00:07:05.761 I pushed on the breaks. 00:07:05.761 --> 00:07:07.244 No one ever added. 00:07:07.244 --> 00:07:08.432 Work on yourself. 00:07:08.432 --> 00:07:16.857 Learn to be, take time to look inward and make sure you are mentally well, happy and the person God made you to be. 00:07:17.778 --> 00:07:18.822 Okay, I want to stop you again. 00:07:18.822 --> 00:07:21.716 We're never going to get through this job, right, that's right. 00:07:21.716 --> 00:07:39.199 Um, I wonder if this has changed, um, if this is changing generationally, and maybe if COVID pushed us to change this way of thinking a little bit, the idea that you have to just go, go, go, go go. 00:07:39.199 --> 00:07:53.425 You have to set a goal and and it has to be like a straight line from where you are to that goal, and pausing to work on yourself is not okay, because I feel like I feel like people are better at working on themselves. 00:07:53.425 --> 00:07:55.880 Now I'm really nervous to say this. 00:07:56.711 --> 00:08:04.952 So, gen Z and maybe Gen Alpha, which I think is the one after Z, anyway, they, they seem to be all about working on themselves. 00:08:04.952 --> 00:08:22.442 Like, I have a really wonderful almost 20 year old who works for me and she has no problem texting me and saying I've had a really hard few days and I need time for my mental health and we have a flexible schedule, so it's all. 00:08:22.442 --> 00:08:27.889 It's easy for me to always say, okay, no problem, come in the next day or, like you know, do this at home or whatever. 00:08:27.889 --> 00:08:40.864 Um, but she just she wouldn't hesitate

to say that, and I don't know if it's because I'm a pastor and she works in a church, or if it's because that generation is better at it, or if maybe COVID moved the needle on it in some way. 00:08:41.144 --> 00:08:42.129 Why are you so nervous to say it? 00:08:42.129 --> 00:08:45.530 Well, I don't want it to sound like I'm being critical of her, because I'm really not. 00:08:45.530 --> 00:08:47.537 She always gets her work done. 00:08:47.537 --> 00:08:52.974 She's an excellent you know employee, um great young woman Like. 00:08:52.974 --> 00:08:58.798 I'm super happy that she and I get to work together, so I don't want it to sound like I'm being dismissive of her needs. 00:08:59.019 --> 00:08:59.761 But that's interesting. 00:08:59.761 --> 00:09:05.740 Why do you think that that is making her seem like like less than, or that like? 00:09:06.101 --> 00:09:07.647 why do you think that it's not? 00:09:07.647 --> 00:09:16.239 That is that I don't want it to seem like I think she's less than because she's doing it, but see, when you said the story, I didn't think anything of. 00:09:17.162 --> 00:09:18.144 I didn't think that at all. 00:09:18.144 --> 00:09:23.083 But you think, by sharing the story, that it makes you sound like she's less than. 00:09:23.104 --> 00:09:35.432 Yeah, like I don't want it to seem like I'm not supportive of the idea of her taking time for her mental health, because I'm all about it, my point really was just that she's she wouldn't hesitate to say I'm going to take time to work on my mental health. 00:09:36.215 --> 00:09:47.366 When you say that to me I hear great job like knowing yourself, knowing your boundaries, knowing what you need to be the right employee for at your job. 00:09:47.366 --> 00:09:48.229 That's what I heard. 00:09:48.229 --> 00:09:55.649 Yes, but when you said it, you think that I'm hearing that she is not a hundred percent dedicated to the job. 00:09:56.553 --> 00:10:08.136 Well, I mean, even in the book, like you were, like I don't know how I'm going to handle this with my job telling them that I need to take time off and that you, you were taking a break from the path of success you know. 00:10:08.136 --> 00:10:12.309 So that's my question is do you think that this is different now? 00:10:12.309 --> 00:10:15.302 If you were in this situation now, do you think it would be different? 00:10:15.464 --> 00:10:38.009 I do think that the younger generation, I do think like millennials, like I think we, you know, break down walls to say, like this is important, like when I was, like in, you know, traditional nine to five, like mental health was not a reason for being out of work, like Apple, now they, you can take mental health days. 00:10:38.932 --> 00:10:39.134 Yeah. 00:10:39.214 --> 00:10:43.693 Like and we were all doing it before, but we felt bad about it when we were calling it a sick day. 00:10:43.693 --> 00:10:53.668 It's like, well, I'm not sick, but I am, but like and you can just call out for mental

health day and I think that is great, but we, I think millennials, we're at that cusper. 00:10:53.668 --> 00:11:02.696 It wasn't understood and we had to like try to make those changes and I think the younger generation is benefiting from us. 00:11:02.696 --> 00:11:08.033 Like saying this isn't okay, working a thousand hours a week is not okay, like I need a break. 00:11:08.033 --> 00:11:10.682 I don't know a lot of younger people. 00:11:10.682 --> 00:11:27.456 I do know my girlfriend works at a vet office and they have like younger people that work there like in their twenties and yeah, she's told me stories of where the younger people are like I just need a mental health day, which can be annoying because you need like employees. 00:11:27.878 --> 00:11:31.493 But it's also that balance of like it is a balance. 00:11:31.493 --> 00:11:32.596 I think. 00:11:32.596 --> 00:11:37.028 I think it can be overdone, I think it can be done perfect. 00:11:37.028 --> 00:11:44.504 I also, at the end of the day, it's not my place to to judge someone's journey and what needs to happen. 00:11:44.504 --> 00:11:54.784 If I worked in a night, traditional nine to five today, maybe I would have a different opinion on that and like setting boundaries in a workplace of what that looks like. 00:11:54.784 --> 00:12:10.080 But no, I think that's super important that mental health is brought up in a very normal way, just like being sick with you know flu or something I think you know needing a mental health break should be discussed in the same manner. 00:12:10.529 --> 00:12:29.083 Yeah, see, when I was, when I was working like as a lawyer, when I was working full time, in that way you didn't take time off Like not even for the flu, right, like you came in, you made everybody else sick because any taking any kind of like unplanned time off was completely unacceptable. 00:12:29.083 --> 00:12:31.238 You had to plan your vacation in advance. 00:12:31.238 --> 00:12:41.596 Everybody had to know, and that really needed to be the focus of your life and what your life was organized around, instead of it being that work was just a part of your life. 00:12:41.917 --> 00:12:50.462 Yeah, and and that was similar when I worked at Apple was like you know, you get this and this, but this is when you're required to be here, and so, and it was. 00:12:50.462 --> 00:12:52.594 I do think it was. 00:12:52.594 --> 00:12:59.854 I think millennials are that transitional kind of generation in that sense of, like you had that strict. 00:12:59.854 --> 00:13:09.243 The generation after us has, like you know, way less strict or more open, and so we were kind of that transition where we were like dealing with both sides of that. 00:13:09.243 --> 00:13:16.283 A few days into my time away, I got ready for my session with Dr Jill. 00:13:16.283 --> 00:13:26.957 As I took a shower that morning, I thought about how strange it seemed I was going through all this effort to take time for myself and yet I didn't

even know what was wrong with me. 00:13:26.957 --> 00:13:31.195 But I guess that was the point to try to figure it out with Dr Jill. 00:13:31.195 --> 00:13:39.230 I wanted to tell her how I felt depressed all the time, how I didn't trust people and how I had flashbacks to the hospital at random moments. 00:13:39.971 --> 00:13:43.744 Then it hit me Everything was related to the 74 hours. 00:13:43.744 --> 00:13:48.537 Everything I had been feeling these last five years could be traced back to those moments. 00:13:48.537 --> 00:13:53.677 It's as if I never left Nicole's place and the system still had control over me. 00:13:53.677 --> 00:14:05.153 The memories, feelings and overwhelming emotions had a hold on me and brought me back to Nicole's place every day, as I stood in the shower with warm water pouring over my head. 00:14:05.153 --> 00:14:06.797 I had another flashback. 00:14:06.797 --> 00:14:09.530 I was back in the ice-cold shower. 00:14:09.530 --> 00:14:15.114 I had to take in at Nicole's place the first night with my arm wrapped in plastic to protect the stitches. 00:14:15.114 --> 00:14:17.692 There were no hot and cold handles in the shower. 00:14:17.692 --> 00:14:22.677 As I walked toward the shower head, ice-cold water suddenly blasts down on me. 00:14:22.677 --> 00:14:24.471 It was motion activated. 00:14:24.471 --> 00:14:28.254 The water didn't begin to get warm until I was done with my shower. 00:14:28.254 --> 00:14:33.797 The feeling of complete sadness, fear and longing to be home filled me. 00:14:34.885 --> 00:14:41.893 Then, just a few hours before I was to see Dr Jill, it popped into my brain Is this post-traumatic stress disorder? 00:14:41.893 --> 00:14:43.429 Is that what's wrong? 00:14:43.429 --> 00:14:46.833 I knew PTSD was large in the military community. 00:14:46.833 --> 00:14:51.375 I knew it had to do with trauma and flashbacks and that there was a treatment plan. 00:14:51.375 --> 00:14:54.312 I pushed that thought in the back of my mind. 00:14:54.312 --> 00:14:57.452 Then I had breakfast and went to see my psychologist. 00:14:57.452 --> 00:15:02.436 Dr Jill had moved into her new office building since my first sessions with her. 00:15:02.436 --> 00:15:06.615 She had a small, inviting waiting room with soothing spa music playing. 00:15:06.615 --> 00:15:11.677 She called me back and I sat on a large couch with her across from me in an armchair. 00:15:11.677 --> 00:15:14.754 I told her everything that was circling in my brain. 00:15:14.754 --> 00:15:19.395 In the first 20 minutes she diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder. 00:15:19.395 --> 00:15:22.894 My PTSD had resulted from the 74 hours. 00:15:22.894 --> 00:15:26.854 When she said the words, a huge weight lifted off of me. 00:15:26.854 --> 00:15:31.775 I had a name for what I had been suffering from and it wasn't all in my head. 00:15:31.775 --> 00:15:33.110 It was very real. 00:15:33.110 --> 00:15:35.552 It was debilitating, but we could treat it. 00:15:36.785 --> 00:15:39.566 What a relief, right To know what it is it's like. 00:15:39.566 --> 00:15:51.788 Oh, there's a name for this and now I can, with help, I can tackle it, rather than it just being everything is bad and I have to put on a happy human face and I'm just not. 00:15:51.788 --> 00:15:53.793 Something is just not right. 00:15:53.793 --> 00:15:57.452 Something about having a name really helps, doesn't it? 00:15:57.945 --> 00:16:06.114 Yeah, I mean, I definitely remember feeling the relief of that and just that, because obviously I kind of like thought that just that morning. 00:16:06.114 --> 00:16:14.491 But also, as we were reading this, it struck me I think it just now struck me I was taking a shower in the morning. 00:16:14.491 --> 00:16:17.551 I never shower in the morning, I always shower at night. 00:16:17.551 --> 00:16:19.565 So this is so strange to me. 00:16:19.565 --> 00:16:23.730 I have no idea why I was showering in the morning, yeah, like what. 00:16:23.730 --> 00:16:38.136 And then like I, because I wouldn't have had that like flashback, mm-hmm, it's just so like wow, cause anyone that knows me knows like I never shower in the morning unless I don't even know why. 00:16:38.136 --> 00:16:40.051 Like I have no idea why. 00:16:40.051 --> 00:16:45.033 Yeah, that is so strange to me, but I guess it was like what needed to happen. 00:16:45.033 --> 00:16:49.715 It was just like you know it all it all is how it's supposed to happen. 00:16:49.715 --> 00:16:56.427 Yeah, I definitely just I felt like a relief and like oh, this is something I've heard of, we can treat it. 00:16:57.169 --> 00:16:59.870 Right, she, like Dr Jill, knows what to do with PTSD. 00:16:59.870 --> 00:17:02.096 Okay, good, yeah, yeah, all right. 00:17:04.765 --> 00:17:05.949 Now I had my what. 00:17:05.949 --> 00:17:08.929 Knowing what the problem was, I needed my how. 00:17:08.929 --> 00:17:10.211 How do I treat this? 00:17:10.211 --> 00:17:17.126 Dr Jill told me there was not a magic pill, although it could get back on depression meds, but she didn't think that would help. 00:17:17.126 --> 00:17:21.920 Based on my history, the way you treat PTSD is to talk about the traumatic events. 00:17:21.920 --> 00:17:24.897 Dr Jill told me what I thought. 00:17:24.897 --> 00:17:31.753 Talk, talk about the things that tear me up inside and feel like knives jabbing through my heart if I acknowledge them. 00:17:31.753 --> 00:17:34.857 So simple, yet so terrifying. 00:17:34.857 --> 00:17:37.416 All right, so now I'm not so happy. 00:17:37.416 --> 00:17:40.317 I thought we had some magic pills and stuff. 00:17:40.378 --> 00:17:44.520 Right, right, so now you're saying all you do is talk, right. 00:17:44.520 --> 00:17:47.258 So I went from like yay, we have an answer to whoa. 00:17:48.672 --> 00:17:50.719 No, no, no, that does not seem like the pill I wanted. 00:17:50.719 --> 00:17:52.557 I don't want to bask in these memories. 00:17:52.557 --> 00:17:53.654 They're

terrible memories. 00:17:53.654 --> 00:17:54.795 They make me uncomfortable. 00:17:54.795 --> 00:18:03.414 I don't want to live in that moment again and again, but your body, for five years, had been waiting for you to really deal with it. 00:18:04.589 --> 00:18:05.654 Yeah, and to release it. 00:18:05.654 --> 00:18:09.240 And that's all you do is you say it to release it. 00:18:09.240 --> 00:18:12.016 And that was no. 00:18:12.016 --> 00:18:14.161 No, I was not excited about it. 00:18:14.161 --> 00:18:19.299 Yeah, I went to my magic pill and the PTSD goes away. 00:18:19.299 --> 00:18:24.897 So what you can do, well, actually there's not a lot of like the flu. 00:18:24.897 --> 00:18:26.325 You can't really take a magic pill. 00:18:26.730 --> 00:18:29.459 There's not really magic pills for many things. 00:18:29.459 --> 00:18:39.237 Well, I think people would say, like there's a pill for high blood pressure, there's medicine for diabetes, there's, you know, like some of those things you can manage with medication. 00:18:39.718 --> 00:18:39.939 Yeah. 00:18:41.613 --> 00:18:45.834 But this and it's, like you say, so simple yet so terrifying. 00:18:45.834 --> 00:18:52.494 Like it doesn't sound like it would be hard to just talk about something, but sometimes there are things that are really hard to talk about. 00:18:52.494 --> 00:19:00.134 Talk about the worst moment of your life and go Right, right, but it works, it does. 00:19:00.415 --> 00:19:02.474 Oh, it is yeah, cause I'm on the other side of this. 00:19:02.474 --> 00:19:03.734 Yeah, it totally works. 00:19:03.734 --> 00:19:11.435 But even now, like reading it, I'm like, yeah, that's not fun, I want to cookie after at least. 00:19:11.435 --> 00:19:19.134 Yeah, truly though now I think about it Like I could have like gotten something special after each of the sessions to like, but I didn't. 00:19:19.134 --> 00:19:19.936 I just you didn't need it. 00:19:20.057 --> 00:19:21.901 Yeah, you just powered through. 00:19:22.362 --> 00:19:36.016 Powered through Dr Jill, helped me understand that what happened to me was not right and the hospital is at fault for my PTSD because of its lack of proper treatment. 00:19:36.016 --> 00:19:38.013 During the 74 hours. 00:19:38.013 --> 00:19:40.732 Everyone seemed so disgusted by my wound. 00:19:40.732 --> 00:19:46.917 I just couldn't understand why this was all they focused on until I started meeting with Dr Jill again. 00:19:46.917 --> 00:19:51.154 She told me they thought I was trying to kill myself a failed suicide attempt. 00:19:51.154 --> 00:19:56.075 It may seem obvious to you reading this now, but I honestly had no idea. 00:19:56.075 --> 00:19:57.679 This is what everyone was thinking. 00:19:57.679 --> 00:20:07.278 For me, self-injury is unrelated to suicide, but after Dr Jill made this connection for me, I started to see why everyone had concluded this. 00:20:08.670 --> 00:20:11.856 I just want to affirm that yes, it is obvious to everyone who's reading this. 00:20:11.856 --> 00:20:15.432 Of course, they thought that you were trying to take your own life. 00:20:15.432 --> 00:20:27.855 That's why they made comments about how deep you had cut and the whole hamburger comment and all that and why they were so I mean, still, they did not do what they needed to do. 00:20:27.855 --> 00:20:29.634 Nothing about it was handled right. 00:20:29.634 --> 00:20:32.239 But I think even the police officer thought that. 00:20:32.239 --> 00:20:35.356 So I just wanted to say yes. 00:20:38.471 --> 00:20:40.637 Dr Jill reminded me that I'm not a cutter. 00:20:40.637 --> 00:20:46.858 I should have never been sent to CRC, she said, because I was not trying to kill myself or harm others. 00:20:46.858 --> 00:20:55.916 I was engaging in non-suicidal self-injury NSSI the act of feeling so much and not having physical pain to show for it. 00:20:55.916 --> 00:20:59.038 My coping was to make the internal pain real. 00:20:59.930 --> 00:21:13.238 According to the American Psychiatric Association's DSM-5, the diagnostic feature of NSSI is an individual repeatedly inflicting shallow yet painful injuries to the surface of his or her body. 00:21:13.238 --> 00:21:22.959 Most commonly, the purpose is to reduce negative emotions such as tension, anxiety and self-reproach, and or to resolve an interpersonal difficulty. 00:21:22.959 --> 00:21:28.717 The injury is most often afflicted with a knife, needle, razor or other sharp objects. 00:21:28.717 --> 00:21:34.557 Common areas for injury include the frontal area of the thigh and the dorsal side of the forearm. 00:21:34.557 --> 00:21:44.619 A single session of injury might involve a series of superficial parallel cuts, separated by one or two centimeters, on a visible or accessible location. 00:21:44.619 --> 00:21:49.376 When I read into NSSI, I realized I was a classic textbook case. 00:21:49.376 --> 00:21:52.438 It's like they wrote the diagnostic all about me. 00:21:52.438 --> 00:21:55.739 It was comforting to have an official name for my coping. 00:21:57.269 --> 00:21:59.317 Again, it's comforting to have a name for it. 00:21:59.317 --> 00:22:13.436 Yeah, I would imagine that you feel less strange, maybe like oh, I'm not the only one and this isn't something that Dr Jill's never seen before Like this is something that is known and understood. 00:22:14.069 --> 00:22:25.045 The odd thing, though, is it was a fairly new realization within the diagnostic for a psychologist. 00:22:25.045 --> 00:22:29.275 Like their DSM-5, like there's five versions of that, I mean there might be a six now. 00:22:29.275 --> 00:22:43.596 Every time there's a new published one, they have new diagnostics and things like that inside of it, and so this was new for the fifth version, so I was kind of dealing with this while it was becoming known. 00:22:43.596 --> 00:22:59.914 Also, and even though it is known in the it's official diagnostic, it's still not like when I tell people about it they've never heard of

it, like medical professionals, like they are like what, and so I mean it's in the name, not just a thing of injury. 00:22:59.954 --> 00:23:19.357 it kind of self-explanatory, but it still is not like something that is like regularly known and used in common language because it's there, but it's not something that has, like, hit social media or anything in that sense that I believe I don't like super follow that. 00:23:19.439 --> 00:23:23.058 but but also especially five years before this. 00:23:23.058 --> 00:23:26.237 It definitely wasn't part of. 00:23:26.237 --> 00:23:28.342 It was not understood. 00:23:28.631 --> 00:23:28.832 Yeah. 00:23:30.309 --> 00:23:36.435 You also say that Dr Jill reminded you that you're not a cutter, so can you tell me what that means? 00:23:37.509 --> 00:23:52.559 Well, cutter is the term kind of she used for someone that was suicidal, like cutting themselves to, you know, for possible, like suicidal purposes, and it's very much a distinguishing factor. 00:23:52.559 --> 00:24:00.338 So if someone is trying to, you know, die by suicide, they cut in a way that would like cut the vein. 00:24:00.338 --> 00:24:13.200 Yes, and mine, as they say in the description, is like the parallel cuts lower down, like where I cut or where I, you know, self-injured was not a way that could result in. 00:24:14.570 --> 00:24:24.173 If it resulted in suicide in some capacity, it would have been an accident Like it wouldn't have been, but not I don't even think that could have happened with the way it was done. 00:24:24.173 --> 00:24:32.238 Yeah, I don't know if that's still like the proper terminology, but she would use the word cutter as someone that was suicidal. 00:24:32.450 --> 00:24:36.057 Suicidal and so not suicidal self-injury is the opposite. 00:24:36.057 --> 00:24:46.916 But people still use those terms like actually, sometimes my dad will call me a cutter and I'm like, okay, like oh, I heard about someone else, it's a cutter like you, or something like that. 00:24:46.916 --> 00:24:49.436 I'm like, good job, psychologist. 00:24:49.436 --> 00:24:50.861 I correct him. 00:24:50.861 --> 00:24:53.097 I'm like, well, was it not suicidal self-injury? 00:24:53.097 --> 00:24:53.912 Like how was the? 00:24:53.912 --> 00:24:56.099 What kind of cuts, were they? 00:24:56.099 --> 00:24:57.914 But yeah, so. 00:24:57.914 --> 00:25:02.838 So there are people that still will use the terms interchangeably, and then I'll correct them. 00:25:02.838 --> 00:25:04.354 People are like oh, yeah, yeah, that's what I mean. 00:25:04.634 --> 00:25:05.719 Yeah, Okay great. 00:25:09.049 --> 00:25:12.637 Over the next few weeks I followed my PTSD treatment plan. 00:25:12.637 --> 00:25:19.857 I talked, I wrote, I scribbled real and raw feelings and burned them, as Dr Jill instructed me to do. 00:25:19.857 --> 00:25:22.557 I talked to my parents and my friends. 00:25:22.557 --> 00:25:24.013 I let it all out. 00:25:24.013 --> 00:25:27.378 Getting the hellish events out of me was freeing. 00:25:27.378 --> 00:25:28.894 So was crying. 00:25:28.894 --> 00:25:31.545 Dr Jill liked to prescribe a good cry. 00:25:31.545 --> 00:25:38.393 During our sessions over the month, dr Jill would remind me with a reassuring smile that you are not crazy. 00:25:38.393 --> 00:25:44.721 The police don't know how to handle these kinds of situations, so they bring all patients like this to the same place. 00:25:44.721 --> 00:25:49.922 The place you are in sounds like a place here in town and it's not a hospital you should ever be in. 00:25:49.922 --> 00:25:52.530 They drug people and put them back in the streets. 00:25:52.530 --> 00:25:54.516 Every session was hard. 00:25:54.516 --> 00:25:58.002 They were draining, emotionally and physically exhausting. 00:25:58.002 --> 00:26:00.997 After going through it, I knew I could have never done it. 00:26:00.997 --> 00:26:05.118 While still working at Apple Mustered Seed, faith helped me get to this place of healing. 00:26:05.911 --> 00:26:11.202 As my time in Tallahassee was coming to an end, my mom recommended a new primary care doctor for me. 00:26:11.202 --> 00:26:22.066 A few years earlier I had stopped taking Zoloft because, having been on it for years, I began to feel it controlling my emotions and making me unrealistically happy. 00:26:22.066 --> 00:26:24.653 It was a weird and scary sensation. 00:26:24.653 --> 00:26:32.861 I wanted to go back on birth control as my depression got worse around my cycle, but I had been too afraid to see a doctor to prescribe it. 00:26:32.861 --> 00:26:36.573 Dr K was my mom's doctor and went to our hometown church. 00:26:36.573 --> 00:26:38.817 I was so nervous and scared to see her. 00:26:38.817 --> 00:26:43.535 I told Dr K about my past and what I wanted to do medication-wise. 00:26:43.535 --> 00:26:47.913 She listened and her tone and body language weren't judgmental. 00:26:47.913 --> 00:26:52.009 All the emotions hit me while telling my story and I started to cry. 00:26:52.009 --> 00:26:57.405 I cried because she heard me, she saw me and she didn't judge my scars. 00:26:57.405 --> 00:27:02.885 She gave me the prescription for birth control and restored my trust in medical professionals. 00:27:02.885 --> 00:27:05.732 She has been my primary care doctor ever since. 00:27:05.732 --> 00:27:20.125 I do want to say she's still my doctor today, and so I've known her since this, which was years and years ago, and recently we've talked about the podcast. 00:27:20.125 --> 00:27:33.911 But I realized that I was gay and so I, when my last set, my last doctor's appointment, I told her and I was like not sure how she would respond because well, first I thought it's going to be cool. 00:27:33.911 --> 00:27:37.579 I mean, she's a doctor, like that's like she's professional, that's normal. 00:27:37.579 --> 00:27:52.355 But also I knew her from my church and I know a lot of church people that are judgmental about things that are outside of their worldview

and so I really wasn't sure and when I told her it was just like I had told her. 00:27:52.355 --> 00:28:02.423 I was straight and it was very cool and chill and actually every single person that I had cared to tell in my life has been cool and chill about it. 00:28:02.423 --> 00:28:18.413 But yeah, so just like she was with this same thing, just like Great cool, I made great progress that month and the months after I was able to see doctors again and take care of my health. 00:28:19.025 --> 00:28:25.374 I also started to get acupuncture for chronic neck and shoulder pain and unexplainable pain I've had since childhood. 00:28:25.374 --> 00:28:30.432 I had dozens of sessions with my acupuncturist and I'd become really comfortable with the process. 00:28:30.432 --> 00:28:32.810 But one day something went wrong. 00:28:32.810 --> 00:28:42.272 As I lay there, she put the needles in like normal, but this time she put a few in my left arm, not near my scars, just on the same arm. 00:28:42.272 --> 00:28:50.353 As she inserted them, I had a flashback to the needle they used to numb my arm right before they put the stitches in at the ER. 00:28:50.353 --> 00:28:56.733 She finished putting in the acupuncture needles and left the room for 45 minutes, as she normally did. 00:28:57.365 --> 00:28:59.192 But this time I felt paralyzed. 00:28:59.192 --> 00:29:04.928 I knew I could hit the emergency button and she would come back in and take the needles out, but I couldn't move. 00:29:04.928 --> 00:29:05.830 I couldn't think. 00:29:05.830 --> 00:29:08.553 The acupuncture needles felt like knives. 00:29:08.553 --> 00:29:10.391 They burned and froze me. 00:29:10.984 --> 00:29:14.434 For the next 45 minutes I went back five years in time. 00:29:14.434 --> 00:29:17.993 I was back in that tiny emergency room getting stitches. 00:29:17.993 --> 00:29:19.368 I felt the pain. 00:29:19.368 --> 00:29:21.531 I smelled the medical scent of the room. 00:29:21.531 --> 00:29:24.432 I heard the nurse tell me to sit while the doctor worked. 00:29:24.432 --> 00:29:28.095 I tasted my salty tears because the pain was so great. 00:29:28.095 --> 00:29:34.169 I felt the pain, but I also felt the numbness and the sensation of my arm being stitched with needle and thread. 00:29:34.169 --> 00:29:35.970 I felt the pull and tug. 00:29:35.970 --> 00:29:39.233 I had the same sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. 00:29:39.825 --> 00:29:43.469 Finally, my acupuncturist came back into the room and removed the needles. 00:29:43.469 --> 00:29:44.030 Like normal. 00:29:44.030 --> 00:29:47.815 I kept myself together long enough to pay and get to my car. 00:29:47.815 --> 00:29:49.430 Then I broke down. 00:29:49.430 --> 00:29:51.511 I ugly cried all the way home. 00:29:51.511 --> 00:29:54.834 I had never had a flashback that bad, that real. 00:29:54.834 --> 00:29:57.873 I was afraid to go back, worried it would happen again. 00:29:57.873 --> 00:30:01.990 Having worked through my PTSD does not mean it's gone for my life. 00:30:01.990 --> 00:30:12.733 Dr Jill told me it would stay with me and I might still have flashbacks, but by working on it the memories would not haunt me and the flashbacks would not completely shut down my world. 00:30:12.733 --> 00:30:15.472 I would recognize the feelings and work through them. 00:30:15.472 --> 00:30:17.148 Dr Jill was right. 00:30:17.148 --> 00:30:22.711 The next week I did go back and I summoned up the courage to tell my acupuncturist what happened. 00:30:22.711 --> 00:30:25.071 I told her about the 74 hours. 00:30:25.071 --> 00:30:27.833 She was so understanding and kind to me. 00:30:27.833 --> 00:30:34.352 She never put needles in my left arm again and I never experienced a flashback in an acupuncture session again. 00:30:35.984 --> 00:30:37.431 That flashback sounds really horrible. 00:30:38.305 --> 00:30:42.595 It was yeah, I can still fully remember that reading through that. 00:30:44.085 --> 00:30:44.586 It was. 00:30:45.449 --> 00:30:50.151 Yeah, I can feel what that felt like in laying there with that. 00:30:51.805 --> 00:30:53.310 But yeah, that's what flashbacks are like. 00:30:53.310 --> 00:30:57.215 I mean, honestly, I haven't had a flashback in a while. 00:30:57.215 --> 00:31:12.034 Like I can't think of the last one I had and it's been like I still deal with NSSI thoughts at times, like when things are just like, when things are seeming like falling apart. 00:31:12.034 --> 00:31:25.952 So probably, like maybe six months ago, I had the thought pop in my head and talk to Jill about it and I didn't engage in it, but I did have the thoughts and she always reminds me like you're gonna have the thoughts. 00:31:25.952 --> 00:31:34.733 It's very much doled over time Like it's not, as it's not something I stress about, it's not something I like get overly concerned about. 00:31:34.733 --> 00:31:55.944 But if I am having multiple things that kind of tear me down, I can really get to that place and I just have put so much work into it that I just remember to keep putting that work into it and just go through my healthy tools to get through them. 00:31:55.944 --> 00:32:03.246 But yeah, I haven't really had a scar kind of pain in a really long time. 00:32:04.574 --> 00:32:20.873 I wonder if there was something about this session with the acupuncturist that obviously I mean it sounds like it was really really hard, but I wonder if there was some sense in which it was a release of some of that, so that it wouldn't continue to wait for you to feel it and address it. 00:32:20.873 --> 00:32:35.711 You know, and because you were engaging in so much health care and so much healthy work, you know, with the acupuncture and with your psychologist and with the journaling and with you know that like that was the moment at which your body could say, okay, now I release this. 00:32:36.365 --> 00:32:37.809 Yeah, that's an interesting look at it. 00:32:37.809 --> 00:32:54.874 Yeah, I mean in the sense of like there was

like moments that there was just always gonna be things down the timeline that needed to be released in the proper way and you know, maybe this was the way that this was always needing to be released. 00:32:54.874 --> 00:32:56.808 Yeah, that's interesting. 00:32:57.285 --> 00:33:10.732 Yeah well, I've said it before and I'm sure I will say it again, but I think that it's so brave of you to relive this by putting it down on paper and by writing the book and by now revisiting it. 00:33:10.732 --> 00:33:17.627 I think that that takes courage and I think that people can, even if you know they'll have their own story. 00:33:17.627 --> 00:33:22.153 But I think it is relatable and I think it's good that you've been courageous to share this. 00:33:23.505 --> 00:33:24.368 Thank you, pastor Beth. 00:33:24.368 --> 00:33:35.767 So, beth, we did an episode kind of about holiday season and we just that's where we are. 00:33:35.807 --> 00:33:36.931 we're in the holiday season. 00:33:37.244 --> 00:33:41.115 We're in it and we just kind of got through Thanksgiving and all that. 00:33:41.115 --> 00:33:46.107 So was there anything different that happened this year for your Thanksgiving? 00:33:46.449 --> 00:33:50.329 Yeah, any new members, we had a dog at Thanksgiving which is really unusual. 00:33:50.349 --> 00:33:50.810 Wait, your house. 00:33:51.031 --> 00:33:52.875 At my house oh. 00:33:53.016 --> 00:33:53.557 That's big. 00:33:53.557 --> 00:33:55.451 We also had like 20 humans at the house. 00:33:55.451 --> 00:33:56.053 Oh and humans. 00:33:57.568 --> 00:34:00.849 Yeah, but my daughter Hannah, who's been a guest on the podcast. 00:34:00.849 --> 00:34:05.970 She got a dog a few months ago and yes, that's big. 00:34:06.069 --> 00:34:07.011 You guys are not dog people. 00:34:07.071 --> 00:34:07.855 We're not dog people. 00:34:07.894 --> 00:34:08.476 You and your husband. 00:34:08.925 --> 00:34:12.588 And both of my kids said as soon as I move out, I'm getting a pet. 00:34:12.668 --> 00:34:14.112 Yes, and they did Rebels. 00:34:14.112 --> 00:34:14.532 I love it. 00:34:14.532 --> 00:34:15.556 They did so. 00:34:15.556 --> 00:34:30.231 My son got a cat and Hannah went to the county shelter and adopted a dog and he's very sweet, very chill, and his name is Scooby Scooby-oo, because he's sort of looks like Scooby. 00:34:30.231 --> 00:34:35.429 Mainly he's the same color as Scooby, and not so much in the face but in his body he looks like Scooby. 00:34:40.514 --> 00:34:50.829 And when we knew that she was gonna, that she was gonna make a dog a part of her life, my husband was very much like I need everyone to understand that the dog cannot come to the house. 00:34:50.829 --> 00:34:53.271 My gosh, we are not going to take care of the dog. 00:34:53.271 --> 00:34:56.974 This dog is not going to be our responsibility in any way. 00:34:56.974 --> 00:34:58.809 This is a hundred percent on her. 00:34:58.809 --> 00:35:02.293 And I was like okay, whatever. 00:35:02.293 --> 00:35:06.969 And he communicated that to her very clearly and I was like that's really between them. 00:35:06.969 --> 00:35:21.385 And then it got to be Thanksgiving week and we wanted her to be with us all day on Thanksgiving and she was like well, I am taking care of Scooby and so I'll need to bring him no-transcript. 00:35:21.385 --> 00:35:24.358 Suddenly her dad was like okay, no problem. 00:35:24.358 --> 00:35:36.960 And Scooby was at the house Thanksgiving day and all day Black Friday because she and I and other folks in the family went shopping and then all day Saturday, because she also had plans all day that day. 00:35:37.269 --> 00:35:41.420 Did your husband babysit when you were he dog sat, he dog sat, he dog sat. 00:35:41.420 --> 00:35:42.512 What did Scooby do? 00:35:42.853 --> 00:35:43.356 during the day. 00:35:43.356 --> 00:35:53.626 He well, he's like very chill, like he'll walk around some and then he'll sit down, and you know, he's just got that kind of dog, yeah, so he just like chilled with your husband. 00:35:53.909 --> 00:35:55.635 Yeah, he just chilled, it was really easy. 00:35:55.635 --> 00:35:56.679 Did he hang out in the gr-? 00:35:56.679 --> 00:35:58.597 Was your husband working on cars or anything? 00:35:58.597 --> 00:35:59.974 No, he was watching football. 00:36:00.315 --> 00:36:01.438 Oh okay, yeah, yeah. 00:36:01.438 --> 00:36:03.215 So they sat and watched football together basically. 00:36:03.215 --> 00:36:08.838 But what was really funny is when I I was kind of telling some people at church about it, I was like I can't believe it. 00:36:08.838 --> 00:36:11.815 But Steve was like yeah, he can come over on Thanksgiving. 00:36:11.815 --> 00:36:21.576 And they were like you didn't know he was gonna say that and I was like no, I mean he's been pretty adamant, consistently adamant, about this and they were like we totally knew he was gonna change his mind. 00:36:22.190 --> 00:36:26.121 We totally knew that he would do whatever Hannah wanted him to do and I was like, oh, that's a good point. 00:36:26.121 --> 00:36:27.514 I should have looked at it from that angle. 00:36:28.769 --> 00:36:31.878 But he didn't even say like, bring his crate, keep him crated, do you say? 00:36:31.898 --> 00:36:32.420 anything like that. 00:36:32.420 --> 00:36:44.132 No, he did ask her to get something in case Scooby needed to be in the yard like a long like, like a long dog run kind of thing, yeah, a tether yeah, but it ended up we didn't even use that Like she put it. 00:36:44.132 --> 00:36:50.398 She went and she, you know, put it in the ground on Thursday morning and everything, but he stayed in the house the whole time. 00:36:50.398 --> 00:36:55.318 He did not stay with us overnight, but he was there all day for three days in a row. 00:36:56.210 --> 00:37:01.219 So when Hannah goes out of town, you'll definitely be keeping him overnight, right, that's what it sounds like I don't know. 00:37:01.449 --> 00:37:03.518 Maybe if we could

crate him, maybe. 00:37:03.849 --> 00:37:04.693 Well, doesn't she crate him? 00:37:05.469 --> 00:37:05.550 No. 00:37:05.570 --> 00:37:06.934 During the day, not anymore. 00:37:07.333 --> 00:37:07.715 Not anymore. 00:37:07.715 --> 00:37:08.838 Oh, okay yeah. 00:37:09.579 --> 00:37:17.239 So you could also gait him in an area, like I do with Tosh at night yeah that's true, and I mean she's super chill with that. 00:37:17.239 --> 00:37:27.059 She actually likes that comfort of having that like space, but it's not like a super small crate or anything, so you could gait her in like an area of your room or something. 00:37:27.059 --> 00:37:32.416 Maybe we could, although she hasn't asked you to keep him overnight but it sounds like it's gonna happen. 00:37:32.797 --> 00:37:33.378 It's gonna happen. 00:37:33.378 --> 00:37:34.574 You guys are gonna have your own. 00:37:34.574 --> 00:37:46.338 My mom was never a dog person, my parents aren't and my mom, like when I told her I wanted to get Greyhound, she was like, okay, that's your house you know, and she absolutely loves my Greyhounds. 00:37:46.338 --> 00:37:53.420 When I had, you know, I had Mack and Tosh and and she just like loved just playing with them and everything. 00:37:53.420 --> 00:37:58.817 And Mack passed away, you know, almost a year ago, and my mom's always like, when are you getting? 00:37:58.838 --> 00:37:59.418 a second. 00:37:59.418 --> 00:38:05.735 You know she's, she's ready for me to have more dogs and, yeah, I could, she. 00:38:05.896 --> 00:38:07.711 I could see her possibly having a dog one day. 00:38:07.711 --> 00:38:12.699 Although she likes me doing all the stuff and she's good to play with them, right, she does enjoy that aspect. 00:38:13.291 --> 00:38:16.757 Yes, I still do not want a dog, but I'm happy to hang out with Hannah's dog. 00:38:16.757 --> 00:38:26.516 And I don't mind helping out more because I care about Hannah than because I care about the dog, if that makes sense, like I care about the dog because it is important to Hannah. 00:38:26.516 --> 00:38:27.552 Yes, yeah. 00:38:28.210 --> 00:38:31.420 I think my mom cares about me but loves my dogs. 00:38:31.420 --> 00:38:41.355 I think you can't not like when you, just when they like cuddle with you, it's like okay, well, here's my bank account information. 00:38:41.355 --> 00:38:42.277 Get what you need. 00:38:43.070 --> 00:38:47.878 I did intentionally go and buy treats because I was like and I will be buying Scooby's love with treats. 00:38:47.878 --> 00:38:49.851 Scooby's love, that's what I did. 00:38:49.851 --> 00:38:57.376 Yeah, so well, actually, hannah actually brought some over and she labeled him that Scooby's love, yes, but then I went and got him some better ones, oh, Full moon. 00:38:57.510 --> 00:39:00.318 That brand makes really good like natural dog treats. 00:39:00.318 --> 00:39:03.315 It's like just chicken and they have my target. 00:39:03.315 --> 00:39:04.492 Like you could eat it. 00:39:04.492 --> 00:39:05.135 It's human grade. 00:39:05.230 --> 00:39:07.668 They call it human grade, but no, I have not eaten that much. 00:39:07.668 --> 00:39:08.894 Yeah, I'm not going to try that. 00:39:08.894 --> 00:39:14.739 I'm not an adventurous eater anyway, so not going to eat a dog treat. 00:39:16.969 --> 00:39:19.699 As we now say, adventurous eaters mean you'll eat dog treats. 00:39:19.699 --> 00:39:28.753 Well, you know, to be fair, my girlfriend works at a vet's office and she says they have tried a lot of dog treats there and she's an adventurous eater. 00:39:28.753 --> 00:39:31.356 So maybe you're right Adventurous eaters mean you'll also eat dog treats. 00:39:32.452 --> 00:39:33.777 Yeah, I just have standards. 00:39:33.777 --> 00:39:36.918 Even if it's human grade, it might not be Beth grade. 00:39:41.581 --> 00:39:42.001 I love it. 00:39:42.001 --> 00:39:48.429 At the Niveach episode we end with questions for reflection. 00:39:48.429 --> 00:39:55.090 These are questions based on today's show that Beth will read and leave a little pause between for you to answer to yourself, or you can find a PDF on our website. 00:39:56.032 --> 00:40:01.539 Number one is there music that you go to when you're dealing with hard realities in your life? 00:40:01.539 --> 00:40:07.335 Number two are there times when you feel like you're putting on a happy human show? 00:40:07.335 --> 00:40:11.278 Number three have you ever had a flashback? 00:40:11.278 --> 00:40:13.416 Describe what it felt like and what it was about? 00:40:13.416 --> 00:40:21.440 Number four can you relate to the idea that having a name for something, a diagnosis, makes it easier to deal with? 00:40:21.440 --> 00:40:27.318 And number five on a scale of one to 10, how much do you trust the medical profession? 00:40:27.318 --> 00:40:29.958 How does that impact how often you see a doctor? 00:40:32.349 --> 00:40:33.989 This has been the Discovering Our Scarves podcast. 00:40:33.989 --> 00:40:34.793 Thank you for joining us.