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Have you ever finished a date and spent the entire drive home wondering, did he like me?
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Did I say too much?
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Will he call?
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Then somewhere between checking your phone and replaying the conversation, you realize you haven't asked yourself one important question.
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Did I like how I felt with him?
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Welcome to this bonus episode of Bent Not Broken.
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I'm Coach Deborah.
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In my conversation with relationship coach Camille Boudreaux, founder of Fix Your Picker, we talked about something that may feel familiar.
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Being a capable, successful woman who somehow ends up doing most of the work in a relationship.
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You organize, you encourage, you make allowances, you see what someone could become, and you start helping him get there.
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Before long, you're exhausted and still waiting for the relationship you thought you were building.
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Today, let's take a few moments to bring the attention back to you.
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Many of us have learned that working harder produces results.
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We study, practice, solve problems, and follow through.
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But a relationship involves another person's willingness to participate.
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Your effort cannot supply his honesty, consistency, or emotional availability.
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You can communicate what you need, you can make room for growth, but you cannot do both people's part.
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I know how easy it can be to lose sight of that when you want something to work.
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You start explaining away disappointments.
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You tell yourself he's busy, he's been hurt, or he just needs someone who understands him.
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Any of those things may be true.
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You still get to ask whether the relationship as it exists today works for you.
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Here are three questions to help you slow down and listen to yourself.
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Imagine you had a wonderful date.
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You pictured where things might go.
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Then the follow-through didn't come.
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Try separating what happened from what you hoped it meant.
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He said he wanted to make plans in one piece of information.
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He made plans and followed through is another.
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Give yourself permission to observe over time.
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One disappointing interaction doesn't tell you everything about someone, and one beautiful evening doesn't either.
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You don't have to fill in the missing information with either a fantasy or a fear.
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Cammy shared her 30% rule as a way to pace your emotional investment early in dating.
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The invitation I took from that conversation was to keep giving attention to the rest of your life while you get to know someone.
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Are you still seeing your friends?
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Are you keeping the routines that keep you feel well?
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Are you leaving room for your interest or keeping every evening open in case he calls?
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Enjoying someone new can be exciting.
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Allow that excitement to have a place in your life while you continue caring for the life you already have.
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For example, if you have plans with a friend and a last-minute invitation arrives, you might say, I'd enjoy seeing you, I already have plans tonight, with Saturday work.
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That small response honors both your interest in him and your commitment to yourself.
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Can you express a preference without apologizing for having one?
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Can you say you want to move slowly?
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Can you disagree respectfully and still feel heard?
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This connects with what can be called the sword, authenticity.
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Saying yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no.
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You might practice with something simple.
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I prefer making plans ahead of time.
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Or I've enjoyed getting to know you and I'm looking for a relationship with consistent communication.
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What are you looking for?
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Then give yourself time to hear the answer and observe what follows.
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The purpose is to learn whether you can be yourself with this person.
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You deserve information that helps you make your own decision.
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If you're listening and thinking, Deborah, I didn't listen to myself before.
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What if I do that again?
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Take a deep breath with me.
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You can acknowledge what you wish you had recognized without turning it into a judgment about your worth.
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Someone else's choice to deceive, control, or abuse you is their responsibility.
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Learning about your needs and patterns can help you move forward, but it does not make you responsible for their behavior.
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Self-trust can grow through small moments of follow-through.
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You notice you're tired and you rest.
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You recognize that you need time and you take it.
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You feel uncertain and you allow yourself to ask a question instead of rushing past it.
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You can also reach out to someone you trust.
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You don't have to sort through every decision alone.
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And if you aren't ready to date, you're allowed to honor that too.
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Take a few quiet moments and finish these three sentences.
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I feel most like myself when.
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One thing I want to keep making room for is one need I'm ready to take seriously is choose one small action from what you wrote.
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Maybe you'll keep a standing walk with a friend.
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Maybe you'll stop apologizing for wanting advance notice.
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Maybe you'll give yourself another month before deciding whether to date.
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Choose something you can follow through on.
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Each time you do, you give yourself another experience of being heard by you.
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The next time you find yourself wondering whether someone will choose you, pause long enough to consider what are you choosing to?
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How are you being treated?
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Can you speak honestly?
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Is there room for your life, your needs, and your voice?
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You can take that time finding out.
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I'm Coach Deborah, and this is Bent Up Broken.
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If you missed my conversation with Cammy Boudreaux, listen to the full episode, Dating a Partner or Managing a Project.
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Share this bonus episode with someone who could use a little encouragement to trust her own voice again.
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And until next time, keep making choices that honor the woman you are becoming.