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Liz Buggy: Welcome to Spicy Brain, Phoenix Heart, a space for big hearted humans with beautifully complex minds. I'm Liz Buggy, your neuro-spicy guide through the messy, meaningful moments of being human. If you've been feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, or a little lost in the noise, you're not alone, and you've landed in the right place. Here, we don't rush or fix. We feel, we learn, and we rise. So... Take a breath and let's begin. This is a part of my story. It's not perfect. It's quite messy. It's in relation to when it doesn't look like crisis. Neurodivergence, quiet suicidal thoughts and self harm. From an early age, I believed I didn't fit in. I never felt accepted for who I was. I always struggled to be heard, to be seen. I'd get into trouble at school. because I was trying to be someone that I wasn't. I was always living in the shadow of my brother. Everyone knew him and I was always his little sister. The comparisons to other people cut deep as a child. Being called a fat lazy stupid bitch cut deep as well. As I got older throughout school, I'd get into even more trouble. I'd end up in the school council's office and they'd always put the behaviors down to seeking attention. It's just ⁓ normal childhood growing up. But here's the thing, it wasn't. There were times when I would self harm, either through physical exercise, going to the gym for hours and hours on end, smashing out sessions for five days to seven days in a row. I'd have a little bit of a break, then I'd go back for more. I'd pick fights with people. And at times I started taking lots of pain medication just to numb myself. As I got older, it was pain medication and alcohol. There were times when I'd go on spending sprees, spending more money than I had. I gambled. I wasn't proud of any of it. At the age of 14, the suicidal ideation started showing. I was on a school camp and I was in a tent alone, sitting there with a knife to my wrist. I didn't really want to take my life. It was more a case of, I just wanted a break from who I was, what was happening in life. I just wanted someone to understand, to be there for me. And one of the teachers from the school came and sat. inside the tent with me. She just sat there, didn't say a word until I was ready to talk. That actually meant a lot. After school, as I got older, the suicidal ideations still kicked in. At one point it was like every four years, I think, I was having episodes. It got to a point one day where I had stuck a knife in my side, held it and the knife to my throat. I dropped the knife, ran from Bondi Junction to the gap. Then that same afternoon I was at a brand new doctor's asking for help. I knew this wasn't what I really wanted and that it was a cry for help because I could no longer numb the pain. I've done some pretty dumb shit when it came to self-harming, things that I wasn't proud of. And there have been times when I've wanted to throw myself under a train. I'm not going to lie. There are still times when those thoughts do arise. And I also noticed a lot of the time when I was getting this way. I'd also start to turn my anger on myself, physically hitting myself. It wasn't until I worked with a life coach and they asked me, do I know why I did that sort of thing, where I'd get really angry, almost to the point of rage, and then I'd physically take it out on myself, hitting myself. And it wasn't until I was walking in the park one day that it came into my mind. I do this shit so that I stop those shitty thoughts. around taking my own life. Suicidal ideation for many people, it's a lifelong struggle for them. Anything can trigger them. But what they need more than anything is just someone to hold space for them when they're ready. Someone to just sit there, someone to understand. You don't have to be perfect with it to just be there. There have been so many times in my life when I've hit rock bottom and I've just wished one person would just say, hey, are you okay? Is there anything that I can do for you? Or do you just want me to sit with you? So often suicidal thoughts, especially in your own virgin individuals, goes unnoticed and even by the person. Because a lot of the time I didn't realize that I was getting to that stage until it was happening. And occasionally other people pointed it out. So what I'm saying is you're not alone in this. And I'm sharing my story or part of it in order to help others to navigate. Self harm isn't always bad. Sometimes it is what helps them to self-regulate, to release whatever it is inside them. There are healthy ways of self-regulating and self-harm. And there are ways that actually causes physical pain, damage, injuries. The reason. I'm highlighting this is because it's something that needs to be dealt with and dealt with in a way because for neurodivergence and neurodivergent individuals, they don't always fit the typical suicidal ideation pattern of where it's something big, something massive, a crisis situation. Often it is quiet. And the person doesn't understand necessarily what's happening to them either. For them, it's just part of who they are, who they've been, because they're struggling inside to regulate. I hope my story can help someone. And I've moved through the dark periods, using those experiences to bring it into the light. There's always light and darkness in life. but it's how we choose to move into that light. And it's also about what we want in life. I've gone through some really dark periods, yet I've come out the other side. I've become a coach, a breathwork practitioner. And I actually want to share my story to help others, to show others that it is possible. to move through the darkness. So if you take one thing from today's episode is you're not alone. There is hope. There's always light and dark within life. So thanks for being here, big hearted human. If something in today's episode has resonated, please sit with it. Let it settle. No pressure, no shame. Take your time to find your way back to yourself in your own rhythm. You are not too much. You're not behind, you're becoming. So until next time, feel everything, rise anyway. And in the next episode, we will talk more on self harm.