Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 4 の全文書き起こし

you kidding? I was like, 38 00:01:47.849 --> 00:01:49.769 how is this, how is this possible? He said, no, mommy, 39 00:01:49.829 --> 00:01:51.930 I did. I said, you did not. You did. Come on, dude. 40 00:01:52.069 --> 00:01:54.859 Come on. And then by the time it was like, 41 00:01:55.609 --> 00:01:58.400 really the only time your kids know is when they're 42 00:01:58.519 --> 00:02:01.840 friends or, or you're on YouTube or TV. I mean, otherwise, 43 00:02:01.879 --> 00:02:05.040 how do they know? They don't. And I think for me, 44 00:02:05.120 --> 00:02:08.319 that was probably, I think it was maybe when I did, 45 00:02:09.139 --> 00:02:11.259 have I got news for you, which I did very early. 46 00:02:11.319 --> 00:02:13.180 Maybe I, I don't know, you know, very early and 47 00:02:13.219 --> 00:02:16.979 it just happened. And I think my son was, he said, 48 00:02:17.689 --> 00:02:19.110 he asked me where you want to have, I got 49 00:02:19.169 --> 00:02:20.689 news for you. And I said, yes, he said his 50 00:02:20.740 --> 00:02:23.560 science teacher had asked him. And he said, I said 51 00:02:23.719 --> 00:02:25.680 no to him. And I said, why? And he's like, 52 00:02:26.039 --> 00:02:27.240 why would you be on TV? 53 00:02:27.259 --> 00:02:31.819 That is a real confidence booster. 54 00:02:32.639 --> 00:02:32.740 Yeah. 55 00:02:32.759 --> 00:02:34.240 But I think the other thing is I didn't like, 56 00:02:34.439 --> 00:02:36.340 I didn't choose to talk about it at home really, 57 00:02:36.539 --> 00:02:38.669 because I just, it was just, it's just something I 58 00:02:38.729 --> 00:02:41.009 did that was not, you know, like for the kids, 59 00:02:41.030 --> 00:02:43.349 I was, because I was still always a full on mom. 60 00:02:43.370 --> 00:02:45.479 I was still taking them to school. waking them up, 61 00:02:45.560 --> 00:02:48.900 going to see their football, packing their lunch. Who has 62 00:02:48.939 --> 00:02:52.340 the time in between telling them to stop beating each 63 00:02:52.379 --> 00:02:53.979 other up and get their shit together and get in 64 00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:55.099 the car to be like, oh, by the way, I'm 65 00:02:55.120 --> 00:02:56.500 doing stand-up. Like who? 66 00:02:56.659 --> 00:02:57.060 Nobody. 67 00:02:59.189 --> 00:03:01.969 You know, and I'm very, I've always been quite demanding 68 00:03:02.150 --> 00:03:05.509 academically of the children. So by and large, they don't 69 00:03:05.569 --> 00:03:06.270 like to talk to me. 70 00:03:06.289 --> 00:03:08.669 Are you quite stern, mother? Like quite strict? 71 00:03:09.270 --> 00:03:11.150 I mean, I'm told I'm strict. 72 00:03:11.289 --> 00:03:11.590 Who by? 73 00:03:12.289 --> 00:03:13.550 Everybody in the house. 74 00:03:15.289 --> 00:03:17.590 What about other kids of friends and family? 75 00:03:17.610 --> 00:03:19.789 Have there been things you don't like going on in 76 00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:22.020 your house and you've had to impose your stricter rules 77 00:03:22.060 --> 00:03:22.639 on other kids? 78 00:03:23.599 --> 00:03:26.060 I wouldn't do that to other people's kids in our home. 79 00:03:26.199 --> 00:03:29.479 If they come, they behave badly. They're my guests. They can. 80 00:03:30.020 --> 00:03:32.759 You will see my kids looking at me in utter panic. 81 00:03:33.930 --> 00:03:34.969 Oh my God. 82 00:03:37.889 --> 00:03:40.270 And they look at me in like, they're like terrorized 83 00:03:40.370 --> 00:03:42.969 because they know what it means to me, but they've 84 00:03:42.990 --> 00:03:47.080 also understood. We have a phrase in Sanskrit, which is, 85 00:03:49.199 --> 00:03:52.500 which is the guest comes as God. So you do 86 00:03:52.599 --> 00:03:54.539 never criticize your guests. You know what I mean? No 87 00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:57.259 matter what. But when they leave, I look at the 88 00:03:57.319 --> 00:04:00.909 kids and they're like, we know, we got it. We 89 00:04:00.949 --> 00:04:04.849 saw it. But I think there's a very strong code 90 00:04:05.710 --> 00:04:08.729 with the children, you know, about what's done and what's 91 00:04:08.789 --> 00:04:09.129 not done. 92 00:04:09.689 --> 00:04:12.870 So when you say because you obviously you you didn't 93 00:04:12.909 --> 00:04:14.629 do the bed you don't do the bedtime stories what 94 00:04:14.650 --> 00:04:18.439 are the other british not parenting traditions but kind of 95 00:04:18.500 --> 00:04:22.319 parenting norms that you find kind of baffling like that 96 00:04:22.420 --> 00:04:24.040 or just like well i. 97 00:04:24.019 --> 00:04:26.139 Mean baffling you know i do know i can see 98 00:04:26.160 --> 00:04:28.040 why you guys tell stories and it's nice i just 99 00:04:28.060 --> 00:04:29.899 i'm like i'm not fucking doing it i have like 100 00:04:31.480 --> 00:04:33.420 I just, it's not even like a bad baffling. 101 00:04:33.680 --> 00:04:35.300 I'll rephrase the question. 102 00:04:35.560 --> 00:04:37.120 What other things are you not fucking doing? 103 00:04:40.279 --> 00:04:43.209 I don't, what else do I not do? I don't 104 00:04:43.410 --> 00:04:44.769 really play with them. 105 00:04:45.069 --> 00:04:45.430 Okay. 106 00:04:45.750 --> 00:04:48.870 Like I play, they're around me playing. Like now I 107 00:04:48.930 --> 00:04:50.189 play with them because I've taught all of them how 108 00:04:50.209 --> 00:04:53.670 to play rummy and three card poker. That's fine. But 109 00:04:53.730 --> 00:04:57.879 I won't play like fucking, you know, Lego shmana. No, no, no, no, no, no. 110 00:04:57.959 --> 00:04:59.699 I've been a kid. I did all this. 111 00:05:00.139 --> 00:05:02.259 But don't you find that nostalgia going back to those 112 00:05:02.319 --> 00:05:04.839 games and doing something together? Don't you get a buzz 113 00:05:04.860 --> 00:05:05.279 from that? 114 00:05:05.759 --> 00:05:07.589 No, but I do other kid things with them. Like, 115 00:05:07.610 --> 00:05:10.870 for example, you know, I've always had, I've

always been 116 00:05:10.910 --> 00:05:15.730 a little, I've always been a little bit cavalier with 117 00:05:15.750 --> 00:05:17.180 this bedtime business, you know? 118 00:05:17.720 --> 00:05:18.060 Oh, yeah. 119 00:05:18.439 --> 00:05:18.759 Yeah. 120 00:05:19.120 --> 00:05:20.779 When they were very little, then you have to because 121 00:05:20.800 --> 00:05:23.480 you need a routine. But like, say when they're four, five, six, seven, 122 00:05:23.500 --> 00:05:26.209 like when they've started school. I mean, before they go 123 00:05:26.230 --> 00:05:27.800 to nursery, I don't care when you sleep. When you 124 00:05:27.810 --> 00:05:29.339 fall asleep, I'll pick you up where you are and 125 00:05:29.360 --> 00:05:31.759 then that's it enough. Thank you. But if we're going 126 00:05:32.000 --> 00:05:35.160 out and you're going to be sleepy and then, you know, misbehave, 127 00:05:35.339 --> 00:05:37.319 then we have like, don't do that either. So my 128 00:05:37.360 --> 00:05:39.459 husband is like, you have no rules. These kids just 129 00:05:39.500 --> 00:05:42.290 have to adapt. I'm like, yeah, that's pretty much right. 130 00:05:42.910 --> 00:05:45.610 But every once in a while, you know, there'll be 131 00:05:45.670 --> 00:05:47.629 something we want to do. Like there'll be a TV 132 00:05:47.709 --> 00:05:49.829 show that we all want to watch. And it's like 133 00:05:49.889 --> 00:05:52.269 past our bedtime. I'm like, screw the bedtime. Let's watch. 134 00:05:52.889 --> 00:05:54.290 Or like, you know, if there's a movie that we 135 00:05:54.329 --> 00:05:56.089 really want to watch and somehow we can't watch on 136 00:05:56.110 --> 00:05:58.389 the weekend, I'm like, let's watch it now. The one 137 00:05:58.490 --> 00:06:02.170 thing that I, and I don't have many rules around 138 00:06:02.250 --> 00:06:05.209 like dessert and ice cream and whatever, like that's fine. 139 00:06:05.250 --> 00:06:07.379 It's in the fridge or we have this, eat it, 140 00:06:07.689 --> 00:06:09.389 you know, like just use some sense. 141 00:06:09.480 --> 00:06:11.120 So would you say you let the small things go, 142 00:06:11.240 --> 00:06:13.540 but big things you come down on them quite hard? 143 00:06:14.000 --> 00:06:17.560 I think so. I mean, you see kids, the things 144 00:06:17.579 --> 00:06:20.160 that kids do, which are interesting to both kids and me, 145 00:06:20.399 --> 00:06:21.180 I'm there, right? 146 00:06:21.920 --> 00:06:22.240 I'm there. 147 00:06:22.259 --> 00:06:24.980 Like I took my children alone when they were four 148 00:06:25.060 --> 00:06:27.319 and two to Disneyland by myself. 149 00:06:27.480 --> 00:06:28.259 Oh my God. 150 00:06:28.839 --> 00:06:30.540 All the way to Los Angeles. 151 00:06:30.779 --> 00:06:31.339 From London? 152 00:06:31.699 --> 00:06:34.060 Well, I went from London to Atlanta to attend my 153 00:06:34.120 --> 00:06:36.810 cousin's wedding, which was a great wedding, by the way. 154 00:06:37.189 --> 00:06:38.689 And then from there, I was like, well, I'm not 155 00:06:38.709 --> 00:06:40.269 going back to London. We're already here. So I was like, 156 00:06:40.310 --> 00:06:41.649 let's go to LA. And my husband was like, I 157 00:06:41.670 --> 00:06:43.029 can't do it. I'm like, that's fine. I got this. 158 00:06:43.290 --> 00:06:44.949 So there's those kinds of things, which I think a 159 00:06:44.990 --> 00:06:46.550 lot of adults are like, are you crazy? I'm like, no, 160 00:06:46.569 --> 00:06:46.949 it'll be fine. 161 00:06:46.990 --> 00:06:47.350 It'll be fine. 162 00:06:47.389 --> 00:06:48.670 I'll be fine. And we had a great time. The 163 00:06:48.730 --> 00:06:50.189 other thing I used to do, which the kids. 164 00:06:51.610 --> 00:06:54.079 Later told me they had never heard of anyone doing 165 00:06:54.120 --> 00:06:57.459 was I really like Pixar. 166 00:06:57.899 --> 00:06:58.160 Okay. 167 00:06:58.199 --> 00:07:02.500 Like really. So when the first few Pixar movies came out, 168 00:07:02.540 --> 00:07:04.839 they used to be one every 18 months. Like when these, 169 00:07:04.959 --> 00:07:08.589 when my teens were young, I used to not want 170 00:07:08.649 --> 00:07:10.990 to go on the weekend because everyone brought their kids 171 00:07:11.069 --> 00:07:12.769 and kids would talk and it would be like a 172 00:07:12.930 --> 00:07:15.329 kiddie movie event. And I'm like, I don't have fucking 173 00:07:15.350 --> 00:07:17.850 time for this. So I used to go on the 174 00:07:17.949 --> 00:07:19.920 first day that the movie came out, which is usually 175 00:07:19.939 --> 00:07:23.100 a Thursday or Friday. And I would go to the school. 176 00:07:23.180 --> 00:07:25.779 I did this with both of them. Go to the school, 177 00:07:25.879 --> 00:07:28.009 tell the school there was a dental appointment or something. 178 00:07:28.449 --> 00:07:30.529 Get the kid out of class. And the middle of 179 00:07:30.569 --> 00:07:31.670 the day, we would go to the movies. 180 00:07:32.149 --> 00:07:35.089 Oh, I bet your kids loved it. 181 00:07:35.310 --> 00:07:37.899 Oh, my God. Well, it's they and I didn't tell 182 00:07:37.939 --> 00:07:40.579 them because you see, kids will tell their friends. And 183 00:07:40.699 --> 00:07:42.339 so I would just do it. And I had to 184 00:07:42.439 --> 00:07:44.839 because both my kids have my husband's gene of being 185 00:07:44.899 --> 00:07:48.410 very honest. They would look at me with their eyes 186 00:07:48.470 --> 00:07:51.810 like saucepans. I'm like, remember the dentist? And we would leave. 187 00:07:51.829 --> 00:07:53.050 And I'd be like, dude, we're going to the movies. 188 00:07:53.649 --> 00:07:55.449 And their heads would explode. And I'd be like, but 189 00:07:55.490 --> 00:07:58.250 here's the thing. If you go and tell your friend tomorrow, 190 00:07:58.769 --> 00:07:59.449 I'm going to go to jail. 191 00:07:59.769 --> 00:08:00.470 So they never told. 192 00:08:00.490 --> 00:08:04.970 They were like, oh,

shit. And now they tell me 193 00:08:05.009 --> 00:08:07.149 that was so bad. Like, we were so scared. 194 00:08:07.329 --> 00:08:10.230 But you're generally hard on them academically. Does that not 195 00:08:10.250 --> 00:08:10.930 go against that? 196 00:08:11.509 --> 00:08:15.100 One day of missing school, you're not going to get 197 00:08:15.100 --> 00:08:23.089 10 on 10? What's the matter with you? one day. 198 00:08:21.629 --> 00:08:24.589 He loves being negative and that's what happens to teenage 199 00:08:24.629 --> 00:08:29.839 boys they just wanna shit on your dreams take a 200 00:08:29.860 --> 00:08:34.759 bit right so for example his school about a year 201 00:08:34.779 --> 00:08:37.360 and a half ago had a trip to Auschwitz. They 202 00:08:37.379 --> 00:08:40.600 had a trip to Auschwitz. The whole year we're going 203 00:08:40.620 --> 00:08:44.129 to go. And I thought, obviously, with our heritage, that'd 204 00:08:44.149 --> 00:08:46.389 be a good thing for him to do. And, you know, 205 00:08:46.509 --> 00:08:49.309 bleak and awful, but also very important or whatever. So 206 00:08:49.429 --> 00:08:52.529 I say to him one breakfast, you know, Ezra, I 207 00:08:52.549 --> 00:08:53.590 think you should go on this trip. 208 00:08:53.610 --> 00:08:55.240 That'd be good. And he's like, nah. 209 00:08:55.769 --> 00:08:57.019 And I'm like, no, really? 210 00:08:57.679 --> 00:08:59.820 Look at me, take it seriously. I really think a 211 00:09:00.220 --> 00:09:01.700 lot of our relatives died. There might be a good 212 00:09:01.720 --> 00:09:02.860 thing for you to do. And he goes, none of 213 00:09:02.899 --> 00:09:05.519 my friends are going. I go, okay, I really think 214 00:09:05.799 --> 00:09:08.429 it's important for you to go. And he says, ah, no, 215 00:09:08.450 --> 00:09:10.710 I really, I can't be bothered. And I found myself 216 00:09:10.769 --> 00:09:13.909 saying the actual word Ezra. I don't have to force 217 00:09:13.970 --> 00:09:15.429 you to go to Auschwitz. 218 00:09:18.450 --> 00:09:21.190 But you know, he lives for memes. 219 00:09:22.379 --> 00:09:27.029 Irony, an incredibly high level of irony being like scornful 220 00:09:27.070 --> 00:09:31.610 about me and that video games and FIFA and stuff 221 00:09:31.629 --> 00:09:31.929 like that. 222 00:09:32.070 --> 00:09:33.370 Does he respect your career? 223 00:09:33.389 --> 00:09:38.830 No, I mean, secretly, but I think no. I would certainly, 224 00:09:39.309 --> 00:09:42.210 he loves saying today, I know a lot of people 225 00:09:42.230 --> 00:09:44.730 are working from home, but if you've got a family, 226 00:09:44.769 --> 00:09:46.730 it's often a good idea to think like, oh, I'm 227 00:09:46.750 --> 00:09:47.070 going to go. 228 00:09:47.049 --> 00:09:47.850 And write somewhere else. 229 00:09:47.870 --> 00:09:50.049 So I'm thinking about doing that. So I went and 230 00:09:50.070 --> 00:09:52.519 saw a flat today. And I'm afraid to have to 231 00:09:52.570 --> 00:09:55.490 tell you, my friends, that I had a mask on, 232 00:09:55.509 --> 00:09:58.429 but nonetheless, I'm there with the very young estate agent. 233 00:09:58.970 --> 00:10:00.210 And he says, oh, so you're going to come and 234 00:10:00.250 --> 00:10:01.350 live here i said no i'm going to use it 235 00:10:01.389 --> 00:10:02.809 just for writing he went oh what are you a 236 00:10:02.850 --> 00:10:05.240 writer And I went, well, yeah, I'm a writer and comedian. 237 00:10:05.279 --> 00:10:07.639 He went, oh, right, right. And I told this to Ezra, 238 00:10:07.960 --> 00:10:09.610 and he just said, yeah, what you wanted was a 239 00:10:09.620 --> 00:10:11.419 50-year-old bloke who likes football. 240 00:10:11.779 --> 00:10:13.490 And I thought, right, yeah. 241 00:10:13.549 --> 00:10:13.909 I know. 242 00:10:14.490 --> 00:10:16.769 He could have been nicer. 243 00:10:16.809 --> 00:10:19.269 He could have said that's his fault for being ignorant 244 00:10:19.370 --> 00:10:22.110 or whatever, not, yeah, young people don't know who you are, Dad. 245 00:10:22.129 --> 00:10:22.330 Yeah. 246 00:10:24.009 --> 00:10:27.269 But young people do know who you are because you've 247 00:10:27.289 --> 00:10:30.730 sold 1.5 million children's books. 248 00:10:30.870 --> 00:10:31.389 Yeah, here's one. 249 00:10:31.450 --> 00:10:34.370 Oh, actually, we're not on the telly, on the internet. 250 00:10:34.409 --> 00:10:36.990 So your new children's book, Future Friend. 251 00:10:37.350 --> 00:10:37.830 Yes. 252 00:10:38.190 --> 00:10:41.070 So how many have you written? Is that five? 253 00:10:41.490 --> 00:10:46.519 He's written 1.5 million. He's sold one each. It's a 254 00:10:46.539 --> 00:10:48.440 good way to get into the million books sold. 255 00:10:48.480 --> 00:10:49.919 That's not very well. 256 00:10:52.730 --> 00:10:56.509 I've written seven children's books and one, actually one, and 257 00:10:56.549 --> 00:10:58.639 a novella. So seven and a half children's books. 258 00:10:58.799 --> 00:11:02.679 And why did you go? Was it partly to impress 259 00:11:02.700 --> 00:11:04.559 your children or entertain your children? 260 00:11:05.120 --> 00:11:07.929 Well, it came from Ezra, the idea for the first one. 261 00:11:08.289 --> 00:11:09.950 I mean, actually, I was having a row, not a row, 262 00:11:09.990 --> 00:11:12.269 but a thing today. I think the Guardian are about 263 00:11:12.309 --> 00:11:12.870 to do a. 264 00:11:13.450 --> 00:11:15.990 You talk about Ezra like Tyler Durden in Fight Club. 265 00:11:16.029 --> 00:11:23.019 LAUGHTER It's like it's just your split personality. 266 00:11:22.320 --> 00:11:24.720 Living with you. I don't know if he really exists. 267 00:11:27.799 --> 00:11:32.000 Yeah, no, I was having a constant row on Twitter 268 00:11:32.019 --> 00:11:33.919 and sometimes elsewhere. I think the Guardian are doing a 269 00:11:33.919 --> 00:11:38.360 piece about how comedians and celebrities should not write children's. 270

00:11:37.980 --> 00:11:38.639 Books, right? 271 00:11:38.659 --> 00:11:42.070 Because it causes, it means that, you know, it's probably 272 00:11:42.129 --> 00:11:44.190 true at some level, not that they shouldn't, but that 273 00:11:44.250 --> 00:11:46.429 it does create problems for those people who want to 274 00:11:46.450 --> 00:11:48.929 write children's books who haven't got like a pre-established name 275 00:11:48.990 --> 00:11:52.570 or brand or whatever. Anyway, my point being that I 276 00:11:52.610 --> 00:11:55.850 didn't particularly think, oh, I want a bit of that 277 00:11:55.889 --> 00:11:56.889 David Walliams action. 278 00:11:59.289 --> 00:12:01.580 My son gave me an idea is what happened. 279 00:12:01.679 --> 00:12:03.679 When he was eight, he said to me, Dad, why 280 00:12:03.700 --> 00:12:07.840 doesn't Harry Potter run away from the Dursleys, obviously the 281 00:12:07.860 --> 00:12:10.200 horrible muggle family that he has to live with, when 282 00:12:10.220 --> 00:12:12.309 he's not at Hogwarts, why doesn't he run away from 283 00:12:12.350 --> 00:12:15.370 them and try and find some better parents? And I 284 00:12:15.389 --> 00:12:17.289 could have said to him, the literary answer to that, 285 00:12:17.740 --> 00:12:19.960 which is, well, I think it's because J.K. Rowling wants 286 00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:22.399 to suggest that Hogwarts is very magical and so she 287 00:12:22.470 --> 00:12:26.529 creates a very negative humdrum life for him when he's 288 00:12:26.570 --> 00:12:27.870 not at Hogwarts. Well, I didn't say that. 289 00:12:28.750 --> 00:12:31.169 I said, because it's too long. I said, that's giving 290 00:12:31.190 --> 00:12:31.710 me an idea. 291 00:12:31.830 --> 00:12:35.350 And the idea was a world in which children can 292 00:12:35.429 --> 00:12:38.289 choose their own parents. And that led to my first 293 00:12:38.330 --> 00:12:41.070 children's book, which is called The Parent Agency, about a 294 00:12:41.350 --> 00:12:44.750 kid called Barry who is annoyed with his parents all 295 00:12:44.789 --> 00:12:47.470 the time wishes for better parents, goes through his bedroom 296 00:12:47.509 --> 00:12:50.500 wall into a world run by kids in which parents 297 00:12:50.529 --> 00:12:52.679 basically have to audition to get children. 298 00:12:52.820 --> 00:12:53.879 That's a great idea. 299 00:12:53.980 --> 00:12:57.720 And he tries out five different types of parents. And, yeah, 300 00:12:57.779 --> 00:13:01.000 so I wrote that. And what you just said, Josh, 301 00:13:01.019 --> 00:13:02.259 about it being a good idea, the reason I said 302 00:13:02.279 --> 00:13:05.110 that was not just being self-aggrandizing. The reason that I 303 00:13:05.169 --> 00:13:07.470 wrote it is that when I had the idea, because 304 00:13:07.490 --> 00:13:09.450 of what Ezra said, I thought that sounds like a 305 00:13:09.490 --> 00:13:12.190 really good idea for a children's book. So much so, 306 00:13:12.210 --> 00:13:14.049 I thought someone else must have done it, but they haven't. 307 00:13:14.230 --> 00:13:15.730 And you know when you have a good idea, that's 308 00:13:15.769 --> 00:13:18.789 often how it feels. It feels so classic, someone else 309 00:13:18.830 --> 00:13:22.080 must have done it. And it did do really well. 310 00:13:22.220 --> 00:13:24.899 And at that point, I thought, now I do want 311 00:13:24.919 --> 00:13:26.059 a bit of that Williams action. 312 00:13:32.879 --> 00:13:34.559 I remember when they were small and that bit where 313 00:13:34.580 --> 00:13:38.590 they possibly nap in the afternoon. And then if that 314 00:13:38.730 --> 00:13:40.649 doesn't happen, you more or less want to kill yourself. 315 00:13:41.129 --> 00:13:46.769 That period is behind me now. The flip side is 316 00:13:46.830 --> 00:13:49.110 the evenings are off limits because their idea of when 317 00:13:49.129 --> 00:13:51.250 they should be going to sleep, of course, is like, 318 00:13:51.610 --> 00:13:53.830 I mean, a 10-year-old is basically a teenager in terms 319 00:13:53.870 --> 00:13:56.690 of how much he demands to stay up. So, yeah, again, 320 00:13:57.370 --> 00:13:59.049 the routines of the day just get shifted. 321 00:13:59.070 --> 00:14:04.769 I think I'd take my evenings over. If you offered 322 00:14:04.809 --> 00:14:08.879 me to lose two hours of the evening, to my 323 00:14:08.919 --> 00:14:11.460 daughter staying up, but I gained two hours in the morning. 324 00:14:11.559 --> 00:14:13.179 I think I'd prefer to lose the time in the 325 00:14:13.220 --> 00:14:15.179 morning still. The evenings are. 326 00:14:15.360 --> 00:14:17.179 I don't have the... I can't offer you that anyway. 327 00:14:17.200 --> 00:14:21.000 I don't control it, obviously. 328 00:14:21.360 --> 00:14:22.259 Also, Mark, with the. 329 00:14:22.279 --> 00:14:25.220 So, obviously, the kids splitting times between the two houses 330 00:14:25.240 --> 00:14:27.649 and stuff, do you ever sort of clash slightly on 331 00:14:27.669 --> 00:14:29.809 the parenting? And is it harder to sort of, like, 332 00:14:30.370 --> 00:14:32.289 you know, agree on how it should be done when 333 00:14:32.309 --> 00:14:34.250 you're not, you know, there together the whole time? 334 00:14:34.429 --> 00:14:38.370 It's certainly not... Yeah, of course, kids are quite good 335 00:14:38.389 --> 00:14:42.769 at exploiting. Again, in football terms, they will slip between 336 00:14:42.830 --> 00:14:48.769 the two central defenders. They'll tell my ex that, oh yeah, 337 00:14:48.789 --> 00:14:51.389 we did that at dad's house and vice versa. We 338 00:14:51.409 --> 00:14:53.850 have to cooperate to sort of put the pieces together 339 00:14:53.889 --> 00:14:57.659 because the 10-year-old in particular is a sophisticated sort of 340 00:14:57.700 --> 00:15:01.360 cheat now. He'll always claim that he gets certain privileges 341 00:15:01.419 --> 00:15:03.080 at the other place or that he's already done his 342

00:15:03.120 --> 00:15:06.909 homework there or whatever. you have to both have your 343 00:15:06.950 --> 00:15:12.049 mind switched on to stay ahead of it. And it's, yeah, 344 00:15:12.129 --> 00:15:15.000 there has to be a lot of cooperation. And sometimes 345 00:15:15.019 --> 00:15:18.139 I've got better at just accepting that it's not going 346 00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:20.000 to always go well as well. 347 00:15:20.019 --> 00:15:23.159 Because we have a lot of people emailing and solicitors 348 00:15:23.200 --> 00:15:25.700 and stuff that are sort of separated and after the 349 00:15:25.720 --> 00:15:27.259 kids split time between the two parents. 350 00:15:27.299 --> 00:15:30.210 And it always strikes me, it must be so difficult. 351 00:15:30.350 --> 00:15:33.409 Even if you do have a good relationship after you've separated, 352 00:15:34.389 --> 00:15:36.879 it's difficult to make sure they're all telling the truth 353 00:15:36.899 --> 00:15:38.879 and stuff. But if you didn't get on that well 354 00:15:38.919 --> 00:15:41.480 with your ex, it must be impossible if there's not that, 355 00:15:41.519 --> 00:15:44.860 you know, because some cars, friends of mine growing up, 356 00:15:44.919 --> 00:15:46.700 and you see that they have to be dropped off 357 00:15:46.720 --> 00:15:48.639 at the end of the road type thing, and they 358 00:15:48.659 --> 00:15:49.639 don't actually see each other. 359 00:15:50.500 --> 00:15:52.299 You said to me, Rob, didn't you, that the only 360 00:15:52.340 --> 00:15:53.940 reason you're staying with Lou is because it would be 361 00:15:53.980 --> 00:15:55.159 such a nightmare to be divorced. 362 00:15:55.379 --> 00:15:55.970 That was the. 363 00:15:55.919 --> 00:15:57.889 Words you used. Absolutely right. 364 00:15:58.210 --> 00:15:59.450 Money-wise, especially, yeah. 365 00:15:59.690 --> 00:16:02.509 Oh, I tell you what, it is fiddly, yeah. LAUGHTER 366 00:16:06.960 --> 00:16:11.019 I don't 100% recommend the process if you can avoid it. 367 00:16:11.899 --> 00:16:13.720 And we were kind of, it was a little bit 368 00:16:13.879 --> 00:16:16.899 acrimonious for a while. We were never quite about leaving 369 00:16:16.919 --> 00:16:19.559 them at the end of the road stage, but things 370 00:16:19.580 --> 00:16:23.159 are sort of reasonably equitable now. And even if they weren't, yeah, 371 00:16:23.179 --> 00:16:26.639 you'd have to make them because your mental energy for 372 00:16:26.899 --> 00:16:30.700 like fighting people is almost zero when you're also fighting 373 00:16:31.139 --> 00:16:33.720 with the world the way it is at the moment, 374 00:16:34.179 --> 00:16:34.399 I think. 375 00:16:34.419 --> 00:16:34.500 Yeah. 376 00:16:34.970 --> 00:16:37.669 So in some ways, all of us have learned to 377 00:16:37.710 --> 00:16:41.379 get better at, like all of the interpersonal relationships have 378 00:16:41.419 --> 00:16:44.100 had to get better because otherwise you just can't manage. 379 00:16:44.120 --> 00:16:46.019 But that takes mental energy as well. And there are 380 00:16:46.039 --> 00:16:47.500 days when you sit there and think, well, I just, 381 00:16:47.519 --> 00:16:50.399 I think it's a case of have a glass of 382 00:16:50.460 --> 00:16:53.200 wine and forget about everything here. If you buy a glass, 383 00:16:53.240 --> 00:16:56.360 I'd mean quite a large glass, potentially. 384 00:16:57.679 --> 00:17:03.179 And do you like, what's it like, like when they're 385 00:17:03.220 --> 00:17:07.109 not there and then they turn up Because you're seeing 386 00:17:07.130 --> 00:17:08.089 them for half the week. 387 00:17:08.210 --> 00:17:08.509 Yeah. 388 00:17:08.849 --> 00:17:10.549 Does it feel like you're living kind of two different 389 00:17:10.589 --> 00:17:11.450 lives in a way? 390 00:17:11.769 --> 00:17:19.339 It really does. Sometimes when, especially because my partner and 391 00:17:19.460 --> 00:17:22.660 I run sort of a production company as well from 392 00:17:22.740 --> 00:17:26.720 this house. So a lot of the time there's a 393 00:17:27.140 --> 00:17:29.819 lot of work going on. Things feel orderly here. Everything 394 00:17:29.880 --> 00:17:33.720 feels more or less like being a proper human being. 395 00:17:34.420 --> 00:17:37.380 um and then you're aware that within 15 minutes of 396 00:17:37.400 --> 00:17:40.619 the kids being the house uh it will be it 397 00:17:40.670 --> 00:17:43.609 will resemble a circus more than a workplace yeah and 398 00:17:43.710 --> 00:17:46.470 um you know what i've tried to get better at 399 00:17:46.609 --> 00:17:48.990 is not bracing myself too much for that if you 400 00:17:49.150 --> 00:17:51.130 if you if even as you're picking up the kids 401 00:17:51.150 --> 00:17:53.430 you feel tense thinking oh christ here we go uh 402 00:17:54.109 --> 00:17:55.630 that is not a good thing to project to them 403 00:17:55.670 --> 00:18:00.660 probably so these days i try to um kind of 404 00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:03.730 accept like mentally accept the chaos it's like tell you 405 00:18:03.750 --> 00:18:05.869 what is a bit easier is being able to take 406 00:18:05.890 --> 00:18:09.589 them to you know cafes or to the cinema and 407 00:18:09.609 --> 00:18:11.799 the worst bit for me was when there was literally 408 00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:14.200 no building outside your house that it was legal to 409 00:18:14.539 --> 00:18:17.720 set foot in at least now i feel like not 410 00:18:17.759 --> 00:18:19.180 everything has to be in the house but you're right 411 00:18:19.380 --> 00:18:22.200 josh it is basically like for the last few months 412 00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:25.609 i felt like um the the halves of me that 413 00:18:25.750 --> 00:18:27.549 are and aren't looking after the kids are almost two 414 00:18:27.589 --> 00:18:31.640 separate people there's a person that um can get quite 415 00:18:31.660 --> 00:18:33.710 a number of tasks done in a day, and then 416 00:18:33.730 --> 00:18:35.529 there's a person

that has to cower in a toilet 417 00:18:35.569 --> 00:18:42.730 to get a single email away. If you're parenting these 418 00:18:42.769 --> 00:18:45.309 past six months and you don't regard your bathroom as 419 00:18:45.349 --> 00:18:47.430 the office, then you're doing better than me. 420 00:18:47.490 --> 00:18:48.769 What a place. 421 00:18:50.450 --> 00:18:52.170 A door with a lock on it has become so, 422 00:18:52.289 --> 00:18:54.589 so valuable in this period. 423 00:18:54.650 --> 00:18:56.849 Mine's worked out the old 10p trick, though, where you 424 00:18:56.869 --> 00:18:58.089 can just undo it for the other side. 425 00:18:58.710 --> 00:19:00.450 Is that a thing? Yeah. 426 00:19:00.630 --> 00:19:02.579 You know, like if it's one of those locks where 427 00:19:02.599 --> 00:19:05.220 it's not a key, it's a little like... Oh, it's 428 00:19:05.259 --> 00:19:07.839 a turning thing. Like a little turning knob. 429 00:19:08.140 --> 00:19:10.279 On the other side, there's a little slit for a screwdriver. 430 00:19:10.299 --> 00:19:12.259 You can get a 10P in there and turn it. 431 00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:16.109 Wait a minute. I don't think I'll allow them to 432 00:19:16.150 --> 00:19:18.930 listen to this in that case. I mean, they probably 433 00:19:18.950 --> 00:19:22.990 shouldn't be for all sorts of reasons, to be fair. 434 00:19:23.170 --> 00:19:26.130 I don't know if you should be publicising... knowledge like 435 00:19:26.170 --> 00:19:28.950 this uh rob this sounds borderline criminal. 436 00:19:29.589 --> 00:19:31.950 Well yeah i mean yes i mean i wouldn't endorse 437 00:19:32.069 --> 00:19:34.539 it but it can be done you haven't exactly distanced 438 00:19:34.559 --> 00:19:40.000 yourself from it either though how do you sort of 439 00:19:40.019 --> 00:19:41.660 do christmases and stuff like that then do you sort 440 00:19:41.680 --> 00:19:43.619 of a year with the kids or a year not 441 00:19:43.640 --> 00:19:44.500 with the kids or is it. 442 00:19:45.150 --> 00:19:46.750 It took a little bit of time to work it 443 00:19:46.930 --> 00:19:48.980 out and uh the past two years we've done uh 444 00:19:50.599 --> 00:19:54.599 Christmas day itself with our respective new setups and then 445 00:19:54.940 --> 00:19:57.579 we've done things all together on Christmas Eve and Boxing 446 00:19:57.599 --> 00:20:00.740 Day um for the past two or might be three 447 00:20:00.769 --> 00:20:04.410 years it's been Winter Wonderland on uh Christmas Eve and 448 00:20:04.430 --> 00:20:07.730 then Pantomime on Boxing Day uh But of course. 449 00:20:08.029 --> 00:20:09.190 Who were you playing in the pantomime? 450 00:20:09.250 --> 00:20:13.730 Oh, just a set of bit parts for me. Chris 451 00:20:13.769 --> 00:20:18.730 Whitty was the lead, obviously. And it is nice. And 452 00:20:18.769 --> 00:20:21.210 that kind of Christmas Eve Boxing Day, I then tend 453 00:20:21.230 --> 00:20:23.779 to take them to my parents later in that bit 454 00:20:23.799 --> 00:20:26.319 between Christmas and New Year where it's a case of, right, 455 00:20:26.359 --> 00:20:28.859 what do we do now? But all of this is 456 00:20:28.960 --> 00:20:30.319 sort of hanging in the balance, isn't it? I shouldn't 457 00:20:30.400 --> 00:20:33.559 think there'll be pantomimes. And I'd be very, very surprised 458 00:20:33.579 --> 00:20:35.460 if Winter Wonderland is allowed to happen. 459 00:20:35.799 --> 00:20:36.900 No, not happening. 460 00:20:37.420 --> 00:20:40.559 There you go. I mean, I think that's probably sensible 461 00:20:40.579 --> 00:20:44.190 because that is essentially 40,000 people in quite a small field. 462 00:20:46.109 --> 00:20:48.269 And a lot of them are pissed on mulled wine 463 00:20:48.309 --> 00:20:50.069 and German sausages. I mean, the more I talk about it, 464 00:20:50.089 --> 00:20:52.349 the more disappointing it is it's not happening, actually, because 465 00:20:52.509 --> 00:20:54.470 Winter Wonderland does sort of look like a hellscape, but 466 00:20:54.539 --> 00:20:56.460 it is a great place to entertain kids. 467 00:20:56.299 --> 00:20:56.660 For four hours. 468 00:20:56.680 --> 00:20:58.200 So what happens at a Winter Wonderland? I've never been 469 00:20:58.220 --> 00:20:58.900 to a Winter Wonderland. 470 00:20:58.920 --> 00:21:01.119 Well, if you haven't got kids, it would be a 471 00:21:01.160 --> 00:21:04.700 weird decision to go, I think. But basically, it's a 472 00:21:05.180 --> 00:21:08.829 big old... like a theme park. Uh, so you've got 473 00:21:08.869 --> 00:21:12.650 your helter skelters and those rides that someone like me looks, 474 00:21:13.509 --> 00:21:16.569 looks at them and immediately throws out like awful looking rides. 475 00:21:17.089 --> 00:21:21.670 But then there's also this, um, either German or fake German, uh, 476 00:21:21.890 --> 00:21:25.809 market with booze and sausages and stuff like that. Um, 477 00:21:26.630 --> 00:21:28.930 so it is quite a good place. It's all in 478 00:21:28.970 --> 00:21:32.269 Hyde Park. And, uh, traditionally it gets so muddy that 479 00:21:32.329 --> 00:21:35.180 it's more like being at Glastonbury. It's, um, In a 480 00:21:35.200 --> 00:21:36.680 lot of ways, it's quite an unpleasant experience, but it 481 00:21:36.720 --> 00:21:39.079 is a place where the kids can have quite a 482 00:21:39.140 --> 00:21:44.220 nice night and you can get quite drunk, in all fairness. Guilt-free. 483 00:21:44.440 --> 00:21:46.400 And those are the... As close to guilt-free as you 484 00:21:46.420 --> 00:21:51.509 can be, getting pissed with kids, yeah. And also, if 485 00:21:51.549 --> 00:21:54.630 you go in the afternoon, evening, it obviously gets dark, 486 00:21:54.670 --> 00:21:56.269 it's Christmassy, it has that sort of... It's the sort 487 00:21:56.289 --> 00:21:59.329 of thing that you are aware that the kids are 488 00:21:59.349 --> 00:22:02.950 forming nice memories, even though you're looking around thinking, well, 489 00:22:03.569 -->

00:22:06.920 there's too many... idiots here and that was just 14 490 00:22:06.920 --> 00:22:08.359 pounds for a mulled cider there. 491 00:22:08.240 --> 00:22:11.059 Yeah it's expensive isn't it it really is. 492 00:22:11.019 --> 00:22:12.440 The actual i don't know how much the actual tickets 493 00:22:12.460 --> 00:22:13.900 to it cost but as soon as you get through 494 00:22:14.369 --> 00:22:18.430 they've absolutely got you um you come away having had 495 00:22:18.490 --> 00:22:20.630 quite a nice christmas experience but you're about a grand 496 00:22:20.690 --> 00:22:22.470 down um. 497 00:22:22.970 --> 00:22:25.480 When romesh went to see mr tumble at wembley arena 498 00:22:25.839 --> 00:22:29.240 with his kids obviously and it was like At 10 quid. 499 00:22:29.039 --> 00:22:31.440 For a 12-inch hot dog. And he's like, do you 500 00:22:31.460 --> 00:22:33.440 do a smaller one? And I was like, no. He's like, 501 00:22:33.500 --> 00:22:36.599 is that three-year-old? It's absolute. It's a 12-inch hot dog 502 00:22:36.619 --> 00:22:37.519 that you weren't eating any of. 503 00:22:37.740 --> 00:22:40.440 Those kids' arena shows are unbelievable. I took my kids 504 00:22:40.480 --> 00:22:45.480 to Paw Patrol live at the O2. I know, which 505 00:22:45.549 --> 00:22:47.430 is the bleakest sentence I've ever said. 506 00:22:47.450 --> 00:22:49.509 What was that experience like? 507 00:22:49.569 --> 00:22:51.069 Well, have you seen Paw Patrol? 508 00:22:51.869 --> 00:22:53.390 Yes, they're big fans in my house. 509 00:22:53.750 --> 00:22:59.720 Right, well, imagine that, but shit. LAUGHTER imagine that but 510 00:22:59.779 --> 00:23:03.720 instead of sort of a lovable animation it's just people 511 00:23:04.069 --> 00:23:06.829 you know pretending to be dogs that the main thing 512 00:23:06.869 --> 00:23:09.890 with it was is i wasn't the o2 it was 513 00:23:09.950 --> 00:23:12.890 when it was again wembley arena um it was a 514 00:23:12.930 --> 00:23:17.049 sort of place that you know 10 years ago you 515 00:23:17.089 --> 00:23:19.829 might have seen arcade fire now you're watching a bunch 516 00:23:19.849 --> 00:23:22.730 of blokes pretending to be dogs and um being it 517 00:23:22.990 --> 00:23:25.569 going to stuff on that scale, like going to music venues, 518 00:23:25.609 --> 00:23:27.789 but to see kids stuff really reminds you of how 519 00:23:27.809 --> 00:23:31.329 your life has changed. I think, um, like you're thinking 520 00:23:31.369 --> 00:23:32.549 last time. 521 00:23:33.369 --> 00:23:33.609 Sorry. 522 00:23:34.049 --> 00:23:36.210 What happens in Paw Patrol Live? It's just like, how long? 523 00:23:36.319 --> 00:23:39.579 Oh, I can, I can summarize it for you very easily, Rob. 524 00:23:39.619 --> 00:23:43.640 Hard to anything happens in it. Um, you basically, what 525 00:23:43.680 --> 00:23:46.700 happens in Paw Patrol Live is everyone responsible for putting 526 00:23:46.720 --> 00:23:49.019 on the show makes an enormous amount

of money. Uh, 527 00:23:49.569 --> 00:23:53.630 Because as with Romesh's hot dog story, there's any amount 528 00:23:53.670 --> 00:23:55.519 of dog merch that the kids all want. 529 00:23:55.940 --> 00:23:57.900 And I can't believe the actors are getting paid well. 530 00:23:57.980 --> 00:23:58.880 They're not on a door split. 531 00:23:59.019 --> 00:24:01.980 I don't think... No, there's not a bucket collection at 532 00:24:02.000 --> 00:24:06.539 the end. The actors are... It should be like that, actually. 533 00:24:06.660 --> 00:24:09.119 It should be like a free fringe show in Edinburgh. 534 00:24:09.140 --> 00:24:10.569 And at the end, they should come and say, well, 535 00:24:10.670 --> 00:24:12.150 I think if you'd seen that on the West End, 536 00:24:12.170 --> 00:24:13.930 that would have been 45 quid. So if you wouldn't 537 00:24:13.950 --> 00:24:17.910 mind putting that in my bucket. But someone's making a 538 00:24:17.930 --> 00:24:20.690 lot of money because not only... So basically they come out, 539 00:24:21.549 --> 00:24:25.150 they do like a, you know, what would pass as 540 00:24:25.190 --> 00:24:28.880 an average episode of Paw Patrol, but all of it is, uh, 541 00:24:29.359 --> 00:24:32.400 they're in costumes and it's done partly by talking partly by, 542 00:24:32.440 --> 00:24:34.880 you know, like voiceover tracks and stuff. There's a few 543 00:24:34.940 --> 00:24:38.220 songs and then pretty quickly it's over and the lights 544 00:24:38.269 --> 00:24:40.750 come up. And if you banked on passing the, you know, 545 00:24:40.849 --> 00:24:43.150 killing the afternoon with your kids, there's this horrible feeling 546 00:24:43.170 --> 00:24:46.150 of like that. Is that it? Um, so it works 547 00:24:46.190 --> 00:24:49.619 out about 17 pounds a minute. And, um, You often 548 00:24:49.660 --> 00:24:52.269 get this with shows for the very young kids. You 549 00:24:52.309 --> 00:24:54.609 pay what you pay for a theatre show and it's 550 00:24:54.650 --> 00:24:57.509 billed like a theatre show. But after 45 minutes, it's 551 00:24:57.549 --> 00:25:00.970 a case of there's a particular feeling you get when 552 00:25:01.009 --> 00:25:02.990 they begin a song which has the look of an 553 00:25:03.170 --> 00:25:06.450 end song about it. And you're filled with this cold 554 00:25:06.509 --> 00:25:08.029 fear of like, hang on a minute, let's not start 555 00:25:08.049 --> 00:25:09.750 singing a song that goes, we've all had a lovely time, 556 00:25:09.769 --> 00:25:12.690 it's time to leave the theatre. I don't think it 557 00:25:12.869 --> 00:25:13.269 is quite. 558 00:25:17.720 --> 00:25:21.160 So what kind of parenting did you grow up with, Carl? 559 00:25:21.180 --> 00:25:23.349 Well, they were just quite, you know, it's not their 560 00:25:23.369 --> 00:25:26.609 own fault. My dad, I don't think, was a particularly, 561 00:25:26.630 --> 00:25:31.009 what's the word, natural dad. You know, he was 43 562 00:25:31.009 --> 00:25:33.369 when I was born. So there was no, and he's 563 00:25:33.430 --> 00:25:35.990 uncomfortable around kids. So like, which is awkward when you've 564 00:25:36.009 --> 00:25:39.970 got two of them. So we never played with it. 565 00:25:40.009 --> 00:25:42.339 I don't remember once ever playing with my dad. You 566 00:25:42.359 --> 00:25:43.740 know what I mean? He was just, I think he 567 00:25:43.779 --> 00:25:46.190 waited until I was in my teens. And we could 568 00:25:46.210 --> 00:25:49.430 hold a conversation before he actually learned to communicate. And 569 00:25:49.549 --> 00:25:54.700 he's never been very loving. He's just naturally an old-fashioned bloke. 570 00:25:54.720 --> 00:25:55.880 Do you know what I mean? He just fits in 571 00:25:55.900 --> 00:25:59.519 the corner and grunts now and again and just constantly 572 00:25:59.559 --> 00:26:04.900 watches telly. And my mum is quite a neurotic Irish woman. 573 00:26:04.960 --> 00:26:09.910 When I say neurotic, I mean to a pathological level. 574 00:26:10.589 --> 00:26:13.670 So she was always so stressed and anxious about everything. 575 00:26:14.150 --> 00:26:15.609 that that sort of, you had to, I don't, me 576 00:26:15.630 --> 00:26:17.549 and my brothers, I definitely just sort of went our 577 00:26:17.589 --> 00:26:20.150 own way. We were quite independent from a young age 578 00:26:20.170 --> 00:26:22.549 because we were like, I don't think, I think we've 579 00:26:22.650 --> 00:26:26.059 outgrown these people by our early teens. So we just 580 00:26:26.099 --> 00:26:27.980 went off and, you know, did our own thing. 581 00:26:28.000 --> 00:26:29.839 Because you've always been quite grown up, haven't you? I'd 582 00:26:29.859 --> 00:26:31.660 say like, I mean, I never knew you as a teenager, 583 00:26:31.680 --> 00:26:33.759 but I've known you for the last 10, 12 years. 584 00:26:33.779 --> 00:26:36.299 But I think you've always been sort of, even when 585 00:26:36.339 --> 00:26:38.130 you were young on the comedy circuit, it was almost 586 00:26:38.170 --> 00:26:40.190 like an elder statesman, the grown up, like the older 587 00:26:40.230 --> 00:26:40.950 brother of everyone. 588 00:26:41.440 --> 00:26:43.440 And you've always sort of been older than your years. 589 00:26:43.589 --> 00:26:44.710 I always felt older. 590 00:26:44.849 --> 00:26:47.589 Like I remember, I started cooking my own dinners when 591 00:26:47.630 --> 00:26:49.589 I was at home, when I was about 12, because 592 00:26:49.609 --> 00:26:51.650 I didn't like my mom's cooking, which is, I think 593 00:26:51.880 --> 00:26:56.700 looking back, that is rude, isn't it? At the time, 594 00:26:56.759 --> 00:26:58.500 I think I thought it's just, it will take the 595 00:26:58.539 --> 00:27:00.319 load off her, you know, she's like, she doesn't have 596 00:27:00.339 --> 00:27:02.559 to stress and, You know, and I can cook myself 597 00:27:02.599 --> 00:27:03.960 what I want to cook. And I learned to cook 598 00:27:03.980

--> 00:27:05.980 from doing that. But looking back, I do think that is, 599 00:27:06.559 --> 00:27:10.130 I'd take it personally if my daughter, when she's 12, go, look, 600 00:27:10.490 --> 00:27:11.769 you take a night off, mate. 601 00:27:11.809 --> 00:27:14.349 I'll cook for myself. Yeah, I might hear that shit again. 602 00:27:15.589 --> 00:27:17.460 So do you think, though, because this is something I've 603 00:27:17.480 --> 00:27:19.640 sort of read up upon, where if you were parented 604 00:27:19.660 --> 00:27:22.369 in a certain way. you'll sort of almost try and 605 00:27:22.400 --> 00:27:24.509 counteract that with your own child. And whereas you were 606 00:27:24.529 --> 00:27:27.170 maybe left your own devices and to be a grownup 607 00:27:27.210 --> 00:27:29.250 quite early on, do you think there might be a 608 00:27:29.289 --> 00:27:33.710 danger that you may not like overcompensate, not smother your daughter, 609 00:27:33.730 --> 00:27:36.029 but like, are you aware that you maybe do too 610 00:27:36.089 --> 00:27:37.920 much for her? And then that way she gets a 611 00:27:37.930 --> 00:27:38.579 bit muddy coddled. 612 00:27:39.059 --> 00:27:39.539 Definitely. 613 00:27:39.680 --> 00:27:42.920 I mean, there is, yeah, I'm pretty certain I'm going 614 00:27:42.940 --> 00:27:46.700 to probably veer too far that way because I, and 615 00:27:46.720 --> 00:27:48.960 it's mainly because I want, I want her to grow 616 00:27:49.000 --> 00:27:51.589 up and like me and, trust me and actually be 617 00:27:51.609 --> 00:27:52.089 able to go. 618 00:27:52.029 --> 00:27:55.930 To me you're desperate mate get me the guitar and 619 00:27:55.950 --> 00:27:58.950 the cowboy hat let's go love me love me love. 620 00:28:00.789 --> 00:28:04.359 Me I think it's quite almost a sad point to 621 00:28:04.430 --> 00:28:07.960 it but I want her to I want her to 622 00:28:08.019 --> 00:28:10.180 like me when she's older and go to me or 623 00:28:10.920 --> 00:28:13.130 feel like she can come to me if she's got 624 00:28:13.190 --> 00:28:15.589 problems or, you know, I've never, I would never go 625 00:28:15.630 --> 00:28:16.910 to my parents if I had a problem. I'd go 626 00:28:16.950 --> 00:28:18.470 to my mates. I've got mates who I'd go to 627 00:28:18.549 --> 00:28:21.730 way before my parents, but I've never asked them for anything. 628 00:28:21.750 --> 00:28:24.009 And it's, that's not, it's not just because of their 629 00:28:24.369 --> 00:28:27.869 financial situation and the fact they haven't got any money 630 00:28:27.910 --> 00:28:29.759 and things like that. It's more just, I wouldn't go 631 00:28:29.799 --> 00:28:33.599 for the, to them for emotional advice or anything really, 632 00:28:33.619 --> 00:28:35.539 just because I think I was always like, ah, that's 633 00:28:35.579 --> 00:28:38.299 not really their forte. Whereas, so I want to be 634 00:28:38.380 --> 00:28:41.480 able to at least offer that to my child. So she, 635 00:28:41.819 --> 00:28:44.400 if she's ever in, dire straits or whatever she can 636 00:28:44.440 --> 00:28:47.299 actually come to me not just think well i need 637 00:28:47.319 --> 00:28:49.819 to go through my whatsapp list to see who else 638 00:28:49.859 --> 00:28:50.579 i can ask. 639 00:28:50.539 --> 00:28:52.960 Would you find that you parent in a different way 640 00:28:52.980 --> 00:28:55.740 to your parents rob um not many people know that 641 00:28:55.880 --> 00:28:58.500 uh russell kane was brought up on a hippie commune. 642 00:29:00.880 --> 00:29:03.509 I don't know really i'm not yet really i think 643 00:29:03.549 --> 00:29:07.009 it's more when we we were treated like you go 644 00:29:07.029 --> 00:29:08.730 out and you get a job type thing at like 645 00:29:08.789 --> 00:29:11.410 six i always worked from like 14 and stuff And 646 00:29:11.470 --> 00:29:13.130 not that I want my kids not to have sort 647 00:29:13.150 --> 00:29:15.789 of that same work ethic, but I think the proof 648 00:29:15.809 --> 00:29:18.099 will be more with the teenagers. So it's just trying 649 00:29:18.119 --> 00:29:20.220 to find that balance of, I don't want to go 650 00:29:20.279 --> 00:29:22.400 too far one way or too far the other, but 651 00:29:22.420 --> 00:29:25.000 it's just trying to get the right balance of, yeah, 652 00:29:25.059 --> 00:29:26.660 go out and work because you need to work to 653 00:29:26.700 --> 00:29:28.519 get money. But also I think that instilled a fear 654 00:29:28.559 --> 00:29:30.039 in me of like, oh my God, we need money. 655 00:29:30.059 --> 00:29:32.349 We need money type of thing, rather than it sort 656 00:29:32.369 --> 00:29:33.769 of being a bit more relaxed about, yeah, you go 657 00:29:33.789 --> 00:29:34.910 to it and get some money, but that's not the 658 00:29:34.950 --> 00:29:36.869 be all and end all. And I think that's why 659 00:29:36.910 --> 00:29:39.710 some people from working class backgrounds can get consumed by 660 00:29:39.730 --> 00:29:42.779 the earning of money and getting the Rolex or the 661 00:29:42.799 --> 00:29:44.160 flash car and all that to prove that you've got 662 00:29:44.180 --> 00:29:45.240 the money so you've got the money it's all going 663 00:29:45.259 --> 00:29:47.769 to be okay but actually you're sort of running on 664 00:29:47.789 --> 00:29:49.910 a and a subconscious level of fear that it's all 665 00:29:49.930 --> 00:29:53.049 going to go away the whole time. And that work 666 00:29:53.109 --> 00:29:55.490 ethic they instilled in me was brilliant and really helped 667 00:29:55.529 --> 00:29:57.910 me in my career. However, you want to try and 668 00:29:57.930 --> 00:29:59.960 make sure it's not too ingrained, that it defines you, 669 00:29:59.990 --> 00:30:02.069 and then you never stop to relax and go, it'll 670 00:30:02.089 --> 00:30:02.609 be okay. 671 00:30:02.869 --> 00:30:04.609 We'll get on whatever happens. Do you know what I mean? 672 00:30:04.630 --> 00:30:06.299 So I think

that's why it's interesting with Carl. 673 00:30:06.339 --> 00:30:08.900 And Carl's gone, you know, I'm a bit sort of 674 00:30:10.180 --> 00:30:13.460 hippie-ish and arty-farty to my family, but Carl has gone 675 00:30:14.079 --> 00:30:14.779 even beyond. 676 00:30:14.960 --> 00:30:15.420 I love the. 677 00:30:17.380 --> 00:30:20.680 I love that you are hippie-ish and arty-party to your family. 678 00:30:20.859 --> 00:30:22.480 That is absolutely amazing. 679 00:30:22.500 --> 00:30:25.460 That really paints a picture of your family in our. 680 00:30:27.599 --> 00:30:29.119 Mind. It's mental, isn't it? 681 00:30:29.160 --> 00:30:33.200 Here he bloody is, old Jim Morrison walking in. 682 00:30:33.960 --> 00:30:37.690 My dad, I drove my parents up to see my brother. 683 00:30:37.710 --> 00:30:40.130 This was just before lockdown and my brother lives in 684 00:30:40.190 --> 00:30:43.109 Nottingham and I took my parents and my aunt Ginny 685 00:30:43.650 --> 00:30:45.990 and my mum and her sat in the back just 686 00:30:46.460 --> 00:30:50.369 And talking incessantly, as old women do, where they just 687 00:30:50.420 --> 00:30:51.970 commentate on everything that happens. 688 00:30:52.569 --> 00:30:55.150 And they're all in their baby carrier, yeah? All in 689 00:30:55.329 --> 00:30:57.670 the front. No car, no pram. 690 00:30:57.910 --> 00:31:00.140 At one point, I overheard them. We went past one 691 00:31:00.160 --> 00:31:02.240 of them big wind turbines. And I just heard my 692 00:31:02.279 --> 00:31:04.000 mum go, Jesus, Ginny, look what the size of that. 693 00:31:04.339 --> 00:31:07.519 And then we went past another one. about three minutes 694 00:31:07.539 --> 00:31:09.000 later and she went I know I said it before 695 00:31:09.039 --> 00:31:10.339 but Jesus would you look at the size of it 696 00:31:10.900 --> 00:31:13.019 she just kept commentating on every wind turbine we went 697 00:31:13.099 --> 00:31:14.960 by and then my dad this is this is what 698 00:31:14.980 --> 00:31:16.329 my dad's like my dad got in the car when 699 00:31:16.349 --> 00:31:18.849 I picked them up and I was listening to meditation 700 00:31:18.869 --> 00:31:22.269 music it was just like and my dad sat down 701 00:31:22.309 --> 00:31:24.470 and just asked he goes are you listening to hoovering 702 00:31:24.910 --> 00:31:29.869 that's what I've got to deal with my whole life. 703 00:31:31.009 --> 00:31:33.849 Do you because you're very kind of relaxed as a 704 00:31:33.869 --> 00:31:39.420 person yes and parenting is arguably the least relaxing pursuit, 705 00:31:39.809 --> 00:31:43.549 you know, at times. Do you find when you're woken 706 00:31:43.589 --> 00:31:46.130 up at 2 a.m. or when you're struggling to do something, 707 00:31:46.930 --> 00:31:49.589 is it difficult to remain zen, for want of a 708 00:31:49.609 --> 00:31:50.170 better word? 709 00:31:51.109 --> 00:31:54.230 Not so far. I've been pretty good. I genuinely would 710 00:31:54.269 --> 00:31:56.670

say yesterday when she was having, she had probably the 711 00:31:56.769 --> 00:32:00.130 most neurotic day she's had since she was born. You know, 712 00:32:00.170 --> 00:32:02.049 I mean, and what I mean by that is when 713 00:32:02.069 --> 00:32:04.029 the first few weeks, I literally don't know what they're 714 00:32:04.069 --> 00:32:07.289 doing today. They're just a ball of noise and, they're 715 00:32:07.309 --> 00:32:09.269 so new to the world but so I think then 716 00:32:09.289 --> 00:32:11.890 you can it doesn't really matter if they're crying because 717 00:32:11.910 --> 00:32:14.519 you totally understand that they to them it must be 718 00:32:14.640 --> 00:32:16.980 terrifying to come out into the world but you know 719 00:32:17.059 --> 00:32:19.900 since she's become much more aware and fun and laughy 720 00:32:19.920 --> 00:32:23.279 and giggly like she's actually been really chilled out baby 721 00:32:23.440 --> 00:32:26.130 and then yesterday was the first time she was pretty 722 00:32:26.150 --> 00:32:31.069 much non-stop quite difficult all day and that's the closest 723 00:32:31.109 --> 00:32:34.349 I've got to like to not being able to just 724 00:32:35.210 --> 00:32:37.069 sort of contextualize it and go it's fine she's a 725 00:32:37.150 --> 00:32:39.109 baby you know i mean that's what i'm yeah i 726 00:32:39.150 --> 00:32:41.329 read i don't know if you did it but i 727 00:32:41.369 --> 00:32:44.250 read a lot of books while my wife was pregnant 728 00:32:44.609 --> 00:32:46.170 i thought i just you know i've got enough time 729 00:32:46.190 --> 00:32:48.839 i'll just do the reading during lockdown and you know 730 00:32:48.900 --> 00:32:50.720 just at the start of the year we were traveling 731 00:32:50.759 --> 00:32:52.220 we went over to australia and stuff so i had 732 00:32:52.240 --> 00:32:54.259 a lot of time to read and i read a 733 00:32:54.359 --> 00:32:58.180 lot of parenting books and child psychology books and i 734 00:32:58.200 --> 00:33:00.220 think i just got i really tried to drill into 735 00:33:00.259 --> 00:33:04.240 myself to never ever think that the baby is doing 736 00:33:04.279 --> 00:33:06.490 it to annoy you that's what i think a lot 737 00:33:06.529 --> 00:33:08.809 of parents get into that mind frame when a baby 738 00:33:08.849 --> 00:33:10.430 especially once they get to about four or five months 739 00:33:10.450 --> 00:33:13.190 when they become a bit more conscious people think they're 740 00:33:13.210 --> 00:33:15.730 trying to manipulate you or they're trying to do they 741 00:33:15.789 --> 00:33:18.089 know what they're doing they're really needling you and it's 742 00:33:18.170 --> 00:33:21.690 not true they're not they're not developed enough to understand 743 00:33:21.710 --> 00:33:25.079 that but at this point five months in i'm still 744 00:33:25.539 --> 00:33:28.940 whenever she's crying or in you know i always think 745 00:33:29.200 --> 00:33:31.180 of it i put myself in her position and go 746 00:33:31.200 --> 00:33:34.910 look she's just of course she's upset she's four and 747 00:33:34.930 --> 00:33:36.930 a half months old and there's just been a loud 748 00:33:37.029 --> 00:33:39.990 noise or whatever something obviously is causing this so I'm 749 00:33:40.369 --> 00:33:42.670 at the minute I'm being chilled about it. 750 00:33:42.970 --> 00:33:46.150 There's a still inside you the little oik from tooting 751 00:33:46.210 --> 00:33:48.470 Carl that surely at some point goes off for fuck's 752 00:33:48.509 --> 00:33:51.009 sake yeah a little bit never erupts. 753 00:33:50.650 --> 00:33:52.390 Well do you know what the thing that keeps annoying 754 00:33:52.410 --> 00:33:56.359 me is because I've coped with the tiredness really well 755 00:33:56.380 --> 00:33:59.259 so has my wife and considering she's breastfeeding still through 756 00:33:59.279 --> 00:34:02.099 the night like it's unbelievable how well she's dealt with 757 00:34:02.160 --> 00:34:06.410 it but I've realized I'm mentally relatively normal. I don't 758 00:34:06.490 --> 00:34:09.989 feel exhausted. But I think that's because I'm diverting all 759 00:34:10.030 --> 00:34:12.570 my energy to my brain, my body. I'm the clumsiest 760 00:34:12.590 --> 00:34:16.530 I've ever been. I knock everything over. And my wife 761 00:34:16.570 --> 00:34:19.019 just hears me throughout the day. Every half an hour, 762 00:34:19.139 --> 00:34:19.880 knock something over and go. 763 00:34:19.860 --> 00:34:21.500 Oh, shit. Like in the other room. 764 00:34:22.000 --> 00:34:24.780 Shit. That's all you can hear just around the house 765 00:34:24.800 --> 00:34:28.250 throughout the day. So, yeah, I definitely, I think I 766 00:34:28.269 --> 00:34:31.210 still get annoyed about that level of clumsiness. But in 767 00:34:31.250 --> 00:34:34.150 terms of the emotional side, yeah, I've somehow managed to 768 00:34:34.170 --> 00:34:36.130 maintain this sort of zen. 769 00:34:36.150 --> 00:34:38.929 And when are you planning on moving the baby out 770 00:34:38.949 --> 00:34:40.630 of the bedroom, like into their own room? 771 00:34:40.650 --> 00:34:41.570 Have you got a plan for that or are you 772 00:34:41.590 --> 00:34:42.489 just going to see how it goes? 773 00:34:42.550 --> 00:34:45.449 Yeah, we're just going to see how it goes. I think, yeah, 774 00:34:45.469 --> 00:34:48.650 we haven't actually bought a cot yet. So, which is 775 00:34:48.670 --> 00:34:50.289 quite five months in and we've not bought a cot. 776 00:34:50.969 --> 00:34:53.010 But we are looking at one. So we're going to 777 00:34:53.070 --> 00:34:54.929 get one of them probably when she's about six months 778 00:34:55.199 --> 00:34:58.340 and start, seeing if she wants to maybe have her 779 00:34:58.400 --> 00:35:01.650 own space and that's very much baby led. 780 00:35:01.429 --> 00:35:04.909 Yeah just have a quick discussion. 781 00:35:04.469 --> 00:35:06.789 With her if her first words are seriously can i

782 00:35:06.829 --> 00:35:11.809 not sleep somewhere else bloody annoying let me have. 783 00:35:11.840 --> 00:35:14.420 My own bed get off me stop breathing on me 784 00:35:14.440 --> 00:35:15.599 dad and why. 785 00:35:15.539 --> 00:35:18.420 Do you wear the cowboy hat to bed it's weird oh. 786 00:35:18.400 --> 00:35:21.090 Do you know what this is gross but um I 787 00:35:21.110 --> 00:35:23.210 think I've, in the last couple of weeks, I think 788 00:35:23.230 --> 00:35:26.829 I've developed sympathy nappy rash with my daughter. 789 00:35:26.849 --> 00:35:29.030 Oh my gosh. This is where the hippie stats come 790 00:35:29.090 --> 00:35:29.730 in now for this. 791 00:35:29.949 --> 00:35:33.760 Well, because I'm a naked, I've always been a naked sleeper, right? 792 00:35:33.800 --> 00:35:35.739 For like, well, not always, for the last decade, I've 793 00:35:35.780 --> 00:35:38.780 never slept in any layers whatsoever. I hate it. 794 00:35:38.940 --> 00:35:41.059 What was the turning point really? Because I've always been 795 00:35:41.079 --> 00:35:44.280 a naked sleeper, but it's only in the last 10 years. 796 00:35:44.320 --> 00:35:46.940 Was there a turning point? Just dick was too hot? 797 00:35:47.260 --> 00:35:48.840 Well, when she came along and she was in the bed, 798 00:35:48.880 --> 00:35:50.400 I felt a bit, I don't know, I felt a 799 00:35:50.420 --> 00:35:53.940 little bit grotty with just having my willy flapping around 800 00:35:54.000 --> 00:35:56.380 next to her. So I thought I've got to put 801 00:35:56.420 --> 00:35:56.750 a layer on. 802 00:35:56.760 --> 00:35:58.340 How far down is she sleeping? 803 00:36:00.800 --> 00:36:05.719 That's why they call him the wind turbine. Look at the. 804 00:36:04.760 --> 00:36:05.300 Size of that. 805 00:36:05.360 --> 00:36:08.139 As she grows, I don't want that to be like 806 00:36:08.260 --> 00:36:11.050 the barometer. The day she got up, her foot just 807 00:36:11.239 --> 00:36:12.340 touches my knob. 808 00:36:12.429 --> 00:36:13.199 I don't want that. 809 00:36:13.219 --> 00:36:13.929 It's disgusting. 810 00:36:14.389 --> 00:36:16.760 So I just, I thought... do you know what out 811 00:36:16.800 --> 00:36:18.699 of you know just out of some level of and 812 00:36:18.719 --> 00:36:20.000 also because you're up and about a lot in the 813 00:36:20.039 --> 00:36:21.800 night yeah i thought it's good to at least have 814 00:36:21.840 --> 00:36:23.679 a layer on in the night time if you you 815 00:36:23.699 --> 00:36:25.900 know go into your walking around the house and stuff 816 00:36:25.920 --> 00:36:28.860 so i i started wearing a layer basically a box 817 00:36:28.920 --> 00:36:31.280 of shorts in bed and because i haven't worn it 818 00:36:31.320 --> 00:36:33.440 for so many years i've basically got nappy rash because 819 00:36:33.480 --> 00:36:36.260 it's too warm and my bits and pieces are used 820 00:36:36.280 --> 00:36:36.820 to having. 821 00:36:36.940 --> 00:36:38.920 Air oh wow so

you're having to put on the 822 00:36:38.960 --> 00:36:41.510 same stuff as her are you both lying there and 823 00:36:41.530 --> 00:36:43.690 putting on your Your poor wife. 824 00:36:44.050 --> 00:36:47.289 I've got a poor wife. Legs up. Let's go. Both 825 00:36:47.309 --> 00:36:47.550 of you. 826 00:36:50.829 --> 00:36:54.530 So obviously you have kids and your focus changes, right? 827 00:36:54.909 --> 00:36:57.010 You know, when you used to look at Google images 828 00:36:57.130 --> 00:37:00.210 of like fit actresses or like an actor that you 829 00:37:00.289 --> 00:37:02.090 rated or a comedian or whatever, and you'd always see 830 00:37:02.130 --> 00:37:06.480 that Google image result of them at the premiere of 831 00:37:06.519 --> 00:37:08.159 some kids movie with their kids. 832 00:37:08.260 --> 00:37:10.699 And you think, well, actually that's pretty cool, isn't it? 833 00:37:10.719 --> 00:37:11.460 Like one day, like. 834 00:37:12.119 --> 00:37:13.940 But you can't imagine you doing it. And then when 835 00:37:13.960 --> 00:37:17.690 you have kids, you start thinking about, you stop thinking 836 00:37:17.710 --> 00:37:20.070 about adult content all the time. You realize everything you 837 00:37:20.090 --> 00:37:22.170 do has adult content. And you think, well, it'd be 838 00:37:22.230 --> 00:37:26.489 quite cool to have something that my kids could enjoy. So, 839 00:37:27.369 --> 00:37:30.070 you know, obviously they were little, they'd watch the CBeebies 840 00:37:30.110 --> 00:37:33.460 bedtime stories. And I thought, I know people at CBBC. 841 00:37:34.099 --> 00:37:35.679 I don't know anyone at CBeebies, but it can't be 842 00:37:35.719 --> 00:37:37.519 that much of a leap. I must be able to 843 00:37:37.559 --> 00:37:42.460 stick my nose in there. I started making calls. And 844 00:37:42.860 --> 00:37:46.769 I got in touch with the commissioner at CBeebies. And 845 00:37:46.809 --> 00:37:49.949 she was like, join the fucking queue, mate. Judi Dench 846 00:37:49.989 --> 00:37:54.510 is waiting to do this. I thought they'd just snap 847 00:37:54.530 --> 00:37:55.030 my hand off. 848 00:37:55.050 --> 00:37:56.610 I thought they'd just be like, oh, my God. 849 00:37:56.650 --> 00:37:58.349 Yeah, brilliant. Get in there. 850 00:37:58.389 --> 00:38:01.369 Do something for the kids. So I actually waited years 851 00:38:01.769 --> 00:38:04.590 to get on the CBeebies. And by the time I 852 00:38:04.610 --> 00:38:06.320 got on it, my kids are too old to care. 853 00:38:06.340 --> 00:38:07.480 They didn't watch CBeebies anymore. 854 00:38:09.559 --> 00:38:10.440 It was kind of fruitless. 855 00:38:10.480 --> 00:38:12.820 But the other story to it was that I thought 856 00:38:12.840 --> 00:38:15.119 they shot it in London, but they shot it in Manchester. 857 00:38:15.159 --> 00:38:19.719 I think Children's TV had moved up there. And, you know, 858 00:38:19.920 --> 00:38:22.449 Manchester for me was always like, if I'm going to Manchester, 859

00:38:22.469 --> 00:38:24.070 because I've got two of my best friends live up there, 860 00:38:24.510 --> 00:38:26.289 it's always a reunion. 861 00:38:26.389 --> 00:38:26.889 You get on it. 862 00:38:27.030 --> 00:38:28.909 You know those guys that you know where it's like, 863 00:38:29.010 --> 00:38:31.030 if you meet them, you're getting on it. So I 864 00:38:31.050 --> 00:38:33.269 meet up with my friends, Si and Matt, and obviously 865 00:38:33.510 --> 00:38:36.170 we get on it. But I ended up having an all-nighter. 866 00:38:36.489 --> 00:38:39.050 And I hadn't looked at the call sheet. So I 867 00:38:39.050 --> 00:38:41.429 was just thinking, oh, it'll be afternoon or whatever. You 868 00:38:41.469 --> 00:38:44.199 know when your phone rings in the hotel? Not your mobile, 869 00:38:44.619 --> 00:38:47.840 the hotel room phone. You know there's a problem if 870 00:38:47.860 --> 00:38:49.380 your hotel phone. 871 00:38:50.460 --> 00:38:50.780 Rings. 872 00:38:51.519 --> 00:38:54.050 And it was like the third time. And the reception 873 00:38:54.090 --> 00:38:57.570 was like, there's a driver waiting here for you downstairs. 874 00:38:57.590 --> 00:38:59.829 You've got to come down. It was like frantic. I 875 00:38:59.849 --> 00:39:02.869 was like, oh, my God. I was fully clothed, just 876 00:39:02.949 --> 00:39:06.630 passed out on my bed. and i just got up 877 00:39:06.989 --> 00:39:09.750 fully clothed and just went downstairs got in the car 878 00:39:10.329 --> 00:39:13.260 and within like because it was the holiday in media 879 00:39:13.280 --> 00:39:16.360 city so it was like two minutes away so within 880 00:39:16.480 --> 00:39:19.400 within five minutes i was sat in a room with 881 00:39:19.639 --> 00:39:22.760 um kerry and this other dude alex who were like 882 00:39:22.760 --> 00:39:25.219 the people that babysat my kids while i was doing 883 00:39:25.219 --> 00:39:26.460 comedy in those early years. 884 00:39:26.500 --> 00:39:29.239 So I was just tripping out. I hadn't slept with 885 00:39:29.280 --> 00:39:30.300 the CBeebies guys. 886 00:39:30.320 --> 00:39:35.000 And they're just caking makeup on my face. I like 887 00:39:35.079 --> 00:39:37.619 smelling salts, trying to make my eyes look less hard shot. 888 00:39:37.639 --> 00:39:39.789 You must have stank as well, mate. 889 00:39:39.889 --> 00:39:40.110 Oh, mate. 890 00:39:41.050 --> 00:39:45.210 I was just so not how I planned to prepare. 891 00:39:45.980 --> 00:39:48.659 My voice was going. Did they know you'd been out? 892 00:39:48.760 --> 00:39:51.000 I think I probably told someone, probably told the makeup 893 00:39:51.039 --> 00:39:53.980 assistant or something. But, oh, mate, I was a mess. 894 00:39:54.039 --> 00:39:55.619 And I was just really annoyed. 895 00:39:55.739 --> 00:39:58.340 But then, you know, people would hit me up online 896 00:39:58.380 --> 00:40:00.659 and say, oh, my kids love this telling or they 897 00:40:00.699 --> 00:40:01.760 love that telling of

the book. 898 00:40:01.780 --> 00:40:02.829 So I think I got away with it. 899 00:40:02.849 --> 00:40:05.130 The most emotional they've ever seen because you were crying throughout, 900 00:40:05.170 --> 00:40:08.989 weren't you? No one's ever seen someone deliver it looking 901 00:40:09.010 --> 00:40:09.530 so despairing. 902 00:40:09.989 --> 00:40:14.139 I felt awful. Eating the kebab was a bit much. Oh, 903 00:40:14.199 --> 00:40:15.719 I can't wait to watch that now, knowing. 904 00:40:15.800 --> 00:40:17.449 Yeah, knowing, knowing, behind the curtain. 905 00:40:18.849 --> 00:40:21.250 That's it for this special Best Of episode. We'll be 906 00:40:21.269 --> 00:40:21.949 back next week. 907 00:40:26.010 --> 00:40:28.050 If you are not in the queue and you are waiting, 908 00:40:28.070 --> 00:40:29.710 then step to the side. 909 00:40:29.730 --> 00:40:31.269 He got in touch and said, yeah, sorry, mate, you 910 00:40:31.289 --> 00:40:32.710 didn't seem like yourself the other day. 911 00:40:32.730 --> 00:40:36.030 You've only met me three times. The self-service checkout. I 912 00:40:36.070 --> 00:40:38.789 don't care what you're called. I'm not getting tricked into 913 00:40:38.849 --> 00:40:42.550 working here. People at festivals in those stupid jester hats. 914 00:40:42.590 --> 00:40:45.219 But do you know what a snake's penis looks like? 915 00:40:45.219 --> 00:40:45.380 £ 2. 916 00:40:45.219 --> 00:40:48.940 69 for a bottle of water. Why is your Wi-Fi code. 917 00:40:48.019 --> 00:40:48.619 10 characters long? 918 00:40:48.679 --> 00:40:50.860 People who do their shoes off. I don't care if 919 00:40:50.880 --> 00:40:53.800 you're watching. Boots, cut, jeans. 920 00:40:54.119 --> 00:40:55.119 What's upset you now? 921 00:40:55.500 --> 00:40:57.880 Hello, I'm Paul McCaffrey. And I'm Sean Wall. And we 922 00:40:57.920 --> 00:41:00.639 are the hosts of the hit podcast, What's Upset You Now? 923 00:41:00.780 --> 00:41:04.030 Each episode is only 15 minutes long. 924 00:41:04.050 --> 00:41:06.909 That is perfect for your commute. Absolutely perfect. 925 00:41:07.030 --> 00:41:08.940 What, a little 15-minute bus drive to work? 926 00:41:09.159 --> 00:41:11.139 Stick an episode of What's Upset You Now on. What's 927 00:41:11.199 --> 00:41:11.980 it all about, Sean? 928 00:41:12.019 --> 00:41:15.460 Well, me and Paul and a big-name comedy guest... such 929 00:41:15.539 --> 00:41:18.360 as Tom Allen or Rob Beckett or Josh Widdicombe... will 930 00:41:18.440 --> 00:41:21.590 rant about what has got our goat that week... for 931 00:41:21.750 --> 00:41:23.170 only 15 minutes. 932 00:41:23.369 --> 00:41:25.969 All those little things. Like, for example, do you know 933 00:41:26.090 --> 00:41:29.989 Gatwick Airport... are now charging you £ 5 to get dropped 934 00:41:30.030 --> 00:41:31.949 off at their door? And now the sun's back out. 935 00:41:32.309 --> 00:41:35.010 and people are off doing yoga in the park again. 936 00:41:35.449 --> 00:41:39.300 New episodes every Tuesday and Thursday... What's Upset You Now 937 00:41:39.380 --> 00:41:43.380 with me, Paul McCaffrey, and me, Sean Walsh. Hello, Tom 938 00:41:43.400 --> 00:41:45.260 Allen here. And Susie Ruffell. 939 00:41:45.539 --> 00:41:48.519 We have a podcast called Like-Minded Friends. It's very much 940 00:41:48.559 --> 00:41:50.860 a celebration of, I don't know, what would you say, Suze, 941 00:41:50.880 --> 00:41:51.480 being queer? 942 00:41:51.679 --> 00:41:52.800 Being queer, but also chit-chat. 943 00:41:52.820 --> 00:41:54.619 There's loads of straight people that love it, so I 944 00:41:54.639 --> 00:41:55.900 think that you should come along and listen to it. 945 00:41:56.059 --> 00:41:58.699 There's something for everybody. It's been described as white noise 946 00:41:58.719 --> 00:42:01.300 for gays, but also we had a lovely section about 947 00:42:01.340 --> 00:42:02.059 Glade Plugins. 948 00:42:03.800 --> 00:42:06.119 So why don't you listen to it? Search Like-Minded Friends 949 00:42:06.159 --> 00:42:07.260 wherever you get your podcasts. 950 00:42:07.880 --> 00:42:09.130 That sounded quite professional, didn't it? 951 00:42:09.409 --> 00:42:09.480 Mmm.