Toxically Optimistic with Zainab Johnson の全文書き起こし

episode. 00:04:17 Speaker 3: I was like, you're so beautiful. 00:04:19 Speaker 1: I felt that when I did Michelle Obama's podcast recently. And I wanted to say that same thing to Michelle Obama, but I was like, don't say it. And afterward, I was like, God, I wanted to tell you. 00:04:27 Speaker 3: She's like, why didn't you? 00:04:28 Speaker 1: Why didn't you say it? And I was like, because it's weird to call people beautiful. 00:04:32 Speaker 4: But also, like, as white women, it's like we're learning our rules. 00:04:36 Speaker 3: Exactly. Boundaries. 00:04:38 Speaker 2: But it's also like, can we tell you black women that you're so beautiful? 00:04:41 Speaker 1: Yes, we can. 00:04:42 Speaker 3: But it can't be on camera. 00:04:43 Speaker 1: We can't be weird about it. And it can't be like, no. 00:04:48 Speaker 3: I know what you mean. I know. 00:04:49 Speaker 5: Yes. 00:04:50 Speaker 1: All right, so our guest today has a new Netflix special out that is produced by the Obamas. It's called Toxically Optimistic. You also know her from Last Comic Standing, Rami, Amazon Prime's Upload, and Netflix's 100 Humans. And her name is Zainab Johnson, and you're going to be seeing a lot of her. Please welcome her. I loved your special. Oh, thank you. 00:05:12 Speaker 3: It was awesome. Thank you. High fucking quality. Thank you. 00:05:16 Speaker 1: It's so nice. I wish there was a station where they just played female comedians. 00:05:19 Speaker 3: Is it okay if I take my shoes off? Yeah, absolutely. Take your clothes off. They will be probably in frame, just so you know. We might have a. 00:05:25 Speaker 1: Wiki feed situation. I'm happy to take my feet out too if you need support. 00:05:29 Speaker 3: We're getting comfortable. We're cross-legging it. 00:05:32 Speaker 1: You don't need any water or anything in addition? 00:05:35 Speaker 3: Sure, I'll take some water. 00:05:36 Speaker 1: Do you like some flavored water? 00:05:37 Speaker 5: No. 00:05:37 Speaker 3: No? No, I'm a non-flavored water. 00:05:40 Speaker 1: Really? Non-sparkling? 00:05:41 Speaker 3: I like sparkling, but I do not like it to have flavor. I don't get it. I don't understand the science. 00:05:46 Speaker 1: Okay, well, I have some flavored water that is the best flavored water that I've ever tasted. I won't push it on you, but there's hope for the future of flavored. 00:05:57 Speaker 3: Water, so it doesn't taste so good. But if you don't want it, I'll finish it. 00:06:02 Speaker 1: Okay. But it's smooth. 00:06:05 Speaker 3: I don't like the bubbly ones on that. 00:06:08 Speaker 5: Oh, no. 00:06:09 Speaker 3: Oh, shit. 00:06:09 Speaker 1: Zainab doesn't even like the fucking water I just gave her. 00:06:13 Speaker 3: Oh, my God. 00:06:14 Speaker 1: We're off to a terrible start. Zainab Johnson is with us. Am I saying? 00:06:19 Speaker 3: You said it perfectly. Johnson, yeah. Yeah, you said it perfectly. 00:06:22 Speaker 1: I don't know if I was missing something. Johnson was the one you were worried about. Johnson was the one I was worried about. 00:06:26 Speaker 3: It does trip people up, though. People get so tripped up on Zainab, then they call me like, Johnston or Joe Shore. 00:06:33 Speaker 1: I love having a name as original as Zaynab because nobody can get it twisted between you and anybody else. 00:06:38 Speaker 3: They can't confuse you with people. They can't, but there's a lot of Zaynabs out there. Oh, really? Yeah, you know. 00:06:43 Speaker 1: Is it a Muslim name? 00:06:44 Speaker 3: It's a Muslim name. 00:06:45 Speaker 1: Okay. 00:06:45 Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:06:46 Speaker 1: Okay. 00:06:46 Speaker 3: But yeah, Zaynab is like, at my shows, if I say, will Zaynabs please stand up, there's going to be like three. Oh, really? There's going to be like three hijabi girls that just stand up, for sure. 00:06:54 Speaker 1: Okay, well, perfect. Because I'm missing out on an entire culture, apparently. I can't believe we haven't met before. 00:07:00 Speaker 3: I know. Because we share someone very special in comment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:07:04 Speaker 1: Then that person is Yamanika. Yamanika Sanzer. Another person who doesn't need a last name, in my opinion. Yamanika should just go by Yamanika, don't you think? 00:07:13 Speaker 3: Yeah, she definitely doesn't need a last name. 00:07:15 Speaker 1: So Yamanika, when she goes to Vegas, a lot of times she'll stay at Zainab's house. 00:07:20 Speaker 3: When she goes to Vegas? I don't live in Vegas. 00:07:22 Speaker 1: Why is she always staying with you in Vegas? Oh, no, no, no. 00:07:25 Speaker 3: When she comes to LA, sometimes she stays with me. 00:07:27 Speaker 1: Oh, she's staying with you when she comes here. Who is she staying with when she goes to Vegas? 00:07:30 Speaker 3: I have no idea. I have no idea. 00:07:32 Speaker 1: The whole time I was watching your special, which is out now, everybody. The whole time I was watching your special, I'm like, this woman doesn't seem like she lives in Vegas. 00:07:40 Speaker 3: No. 00:07:40 Speaker 1: That's really funny. 00:07:41 Speaker 3: No, she does. So much so that every time Yamanika is working in Vegas, she asks me to come visit her and I say no. Yeah. Well, she likes to make a lot of plans that never come to fruition. 00:07:51 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We were just on the road this past weekend and we had about one hour until dinner and she made three different sets of plans for us to go to a museum, which was never going to, now I just Now that I know her, I'm just like, uh-huh, we're not going there. We have two hours, first of all. And we're going to sit here at the hotel bar and drink is what we're going to fucking do. Because that's what we do every single night before a show is we go down for a pre-dinner drink, then we have dinner, then we have drinks there, and then we go to the show. And she likes to act like we're going to pop off and we're going to go to this park, and then we're going to go

shopping here, and we're going to do that. I'm like, this is an unrealistic– Set of ideas for the amount of time in which we have. 00:08:29 Speaker 3: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But she's nothing if not ambitious. Yeah. You know? And I think she actually likes for someone to give her guidelines and barriers. Structure. Yeah, structure. I think that she... Because that's our relationship, too. She'll try to do everything. And I'm like, we're not going to do that. This doesn't make sense. You don't even like to do that. Yes. Why are you forcing this? 00:08:52 Speaker 1: Does she try to wrangle you into doing things that you also don't like? 00:08:55 Speaker 3: That she. 00:08:56 Speaker 1: doesn't understand that you don't like? 00:08:58 Speaker 3: Yes, she used to, but I'm a pretty good boundary setter. 00:09:02 Speaker 1: Oh, see, I need more boundaries. Oh, I'm a pretty good boundary setter. Okay, because she's trying to get me to go to fucking Dave and Buster's, and I'm like, listen, know me less. You know what I mean? That is the opposite of what I want to do. Let's go to an arcade. 00:09:16 Speaker 3: Okay, so our relationship is a little bit different at this point. I think that I have worked on her enough where she's going to say, I know you don't want to come with me to Dave and Buster's. 00:09:25 Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying? 00:09:25 Speaker 5: Yeah. 00:09:25 Speaker 3: Like she's going to be like, I'm going to go to Dave and Busta. I know you don't want to come. 00:09:29 Speaker 1: I like it. 00:09:29 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:09:30 Speaker 1: I need some training on how to deal with Yamanika because I'm like, yeah, even though it's been a few years, I'm still, I'm getting better at it. 00:09:38 Speaker 3: But yeah, she'll come out of left and right field. So I'm glad that we share that. No, we share that. You know, I actually, I saw you perform recently, maybe at the improv or something like that. 00:09:47 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, we were doing a show because I was looking for you, but I missed you. Where were you? You were there for my show. 00:09:52 Speaker 3: From my set. Yeah. But weren't you on the lineup? Yeah, I think I went on right after you. Did I not? 00:09:58 Speaker 1: I think I had a set at the comedy store. so I was going piggybacking. So I ran right out. 00:10:03 Speaker 3: Watching your set the entire time, I was like, I can see how her and Yamanika are friends. 00:10:07 Speaker 1: Yeah. 00:10:08 Speaker 3: I don't know if that's what you were hoping for. Yeah. But I was like, I could see them having like a good time together. 00:10:14 Speaker 1: We have a great time together. We get really stupid together. 00:10:18 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:10:18 Speaker 1: And we're like, it's like a modern day version of Ab Fab. 00:10:22 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:10:22 Speaker 5: Okay. 00:10:22 Speaker 1: Like, do you remember Ab Fab? 00:10:24 Speaker 3: I'm so sorry. 00:10:24 Speaker 1: Okay. This is an old British comedy where there's just two drunk whores. 00:10:27 Speaker 3: Okay. 00:10:28 Speaker 1: You know what I mean? 00:10:29 Speaker 3: Just drinking, smoking weed. 00:10:31 Speaker 1: And I mean, they're like, you know. They have money and then they go out and they get really sloppy. 00:10:36 Speaker 3: And that's how I. 00:10:37 Speaker 1: View Yamanika and myself together. 00:10:39 Speaker 3: Yeah, basically. 00:10:41 Speaker 1: I want to talk about your special, which is called Toxically Optimistic. 00:10:44 Speaker 3: It's produced by the Obamas. Congratulations. 00:10:47 Speaker 5: Thank you. 00:10:47 Speaker 3: Thank you so much. 00:10:48 Speaker 1: It is an A-plus special. There are so many specials out and coming out. Every week there's a new bombardment of a special. And it is so nice to see a woman who is fucking sharp, razor sharp, razor funny, telling it like it is with fucking hilarious stories about your life. Thank you. 00:11:07 Speaker 3: Yeah, I loved it. 00:11:08 Speaker 5: Oh, thank you. 00:11:08 Speaker 3: I loved all your callbacks. I mean, it was just really fresh. Thank you. 00:11:13 Speaker 1: Yeah, we need more of that. 00:11:14 Speaker 3: Thank you so much. I'm really proud of it. You should be. Yeah, I'm really, really proud of it. You know, like in editing, you watch it over and over and over again. And I had to ask myself, like, I had to ask, like, do I love myself too much? Because I never got tired of watching it. Like, no, I never got, I'm talking about, I may have watched it like 20 times because I don't even, I hate to say this, but I don't really trust men like that. 00:11:37 Speaker 2: Even editors. 00:11:38 Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying? Like, I know you said you did it, but let me, let me look and see if you actually did what you were supposed to do. And my editing team was great, but I watched it so many times. And I remember like maybe the second to the last time I was like, oh, Okay, sit down. Buckle up. 00:11:52 Speaker 1: You got to watch this hour again. It's hard to watch yourself sometimes. It's hard, especially on repeat. I understand. 00:11:58 Speaker 3: Ten minutes in, Chelsea, I was like, I love this girl. 00:12:00 Speaker 1: I was like, I like her. 00:12:05 Speaker 3: I want to be around her. Yeah, I like that too. Yeah, yeah. 00:12:08 Speaker 1: I like your take on men also, which, I mean, we're all in a similar phase with men at this point in our lives. Well, not that we're at the same point in our lives, just culturally, I think. We're just kind of... men are really having to prove that they're of value and worth spending our time. 00:12:24 Speaker 3: Oh, for sure. 00:12:25 Speaker 1: And you talk about your sister, who's neurodivergent in the special, and you talk, she's been proposed to three times. 00:12:32 Speaker 3: Three times, yeah. Which is, and how many, have you been proposed? I have been proposed to no time. I have had conversations about marriage. You know, but no one has ever gotten down on

one knee and had a ring and been like, will you marry me? But I've had two or three conversations where it's like, is this something you're interested in? What would that look like? You know, stuff like that, but not a proposal. Those don't count. 00:12:59 Speaker 1: Okay, but what are your thoughts on marriage? Talk to us about what would you do? I mean, yeah, just give us your thoughts. 00:13:05 Speaker 3: On marriage? 00:13:06 Speaker 1: Yeah, in our current state of affairs in this world, country. 00:13:11 Speaker 3: So I feel like my thoughts on marriage haven't changed even given what's happening in the world. I feel like love is love and marriage is not love. Although a marriage can have love, I think that marriage, and I don't think people like me talking about this, but I believe that marriage is a contract that's between three people. The parties that think that they're in love and then the state. And I think that that is very different than marriage. Just a love relationship, you know? I personally would like to be married. I'm going to get him to sign a prenup, though. Because I feel like I'm going to have a lot to lose, you know? But I do believe in love, and I do think marriage is, like, sweet if you find the right person. I recently heard, like, another funny woman... like online, you know, like a content creator said like, now my standards, now that I'm older, my standards have gotten higher for men. And that hasn't been my experience. My experience, my standards have always been high. And, That's probably why I'm perpetually single because I don't feel... I didn't go through the phase of like, I'm going to just deal with a bunch of guys who ain't shit and then I'm going to grow out of it. I've always looked for somebody who was worth something. 00:14:30 Speaker 1: I'm with you on that. I don't date a bunch of losers either. I've never. 00:14:34 Speaker 3: I've been single. 00:14:35 Speaker 1: I can go like a year with being single and have no problem with it. 00:14:38 Speaker 3: Whereas. 00:14:39 Speaker 1: I have friends who, yeah, who like, well, Yamanika is a perfect example. 00:14:43 Speaker 3: She likes to keep things going. She's like, I need, I'm like, no, no, no, no. 00:14:47 Speaker 1: Until you are set and down with yourself, you're not going to meet anybody that's worthwhile. You know, anybody that's bringing anything to the table for you. 00:14:54 Speaker 3: And it's not desperate. 00:14:56 Speaker 1: We don't need to be desperate because what we're bringing, like two professional women and the self-confidence and the work that I'm assuming you've done on yourself because you have your shit together. 00:15:06 Speaker 5: Yeah. 00:15:07 Speaker 1: It's like, it's not, you have to have high standards. It's like, I'm not delusional, right? 00:15:12 Speaker 3: I don't think their relationships are supposed to be perfect, but I think that they should feel good. And like, it doesn't feel good to know that you're embarrassed

by your partner. It doesn't feel good to know that like, you know, like every time you got to pay, like you're paying for it. It doesn't feel, that doesn't feel good. Like, and like, I feel like embarrassment of self is worse than public embarrassment, you know? So it's like, yeah, I want to feel good. I want to, if I'm going to invite you into my life, I want to feel good. 00:15:39 Speaker 5: Why? Why? 00:15:40 Speaker 3: I mean, I hate to be cliche, but I can do bad by myself. But I'm actually doing really good by myself. So why would I bring you over here to add badness to that, you know? Yeah, yeah. 00:15:56 Speaker 1: So what kind of guys do you like? What kind of guys do you typically date? Do you have a type? 00:16:01 Speaker 3: I think I do have like a physical type. 00:16:02 Speaker 1: Would you ever date a comedian? 00:16:04 Speaker 3: No, I don't think so. 00:16:05 Speaker 5: Okay. 00:16:07 Speaker 3: I mean, we got to make sure and clarify that. Yeah, I don't think that I would date a comedian. No. 00:16:14 Speaker 1: No, no. 00:16:17 Speaker 3: No, and not to shame any of the male comedians. 00:16:21 Speaker 1: Oh, no. There's definitely a type. Like male comics, there's definitely a type. And they're not all bad. There's some great male comics out there. But most of them are depressed. They're a. 00:16:32 Speaker 3: Couple. 00:16:33 Speaker 1: They're a couple. Marc Maron's not disgusting. 00:16:35 Speaker 3: You know what I mean? John Mulaney's not disgusting. 00:16:38 Speaker 1: These are nice. Zach Galifianakis is a nice, wholesome man. But, you know, there are some other ones that are pretty gross. But the problem is the thread that I find with male comedians, and I don't find this with female comics, but you tell me what you think, is that most of them are depressed. Like, there's a serious depression, like, among male comedians. And I don't find that among female comedians. It's not as prevalent, in my opinion. 00:17:02 Speaker 5: Yeah. 00:17:03 Speaker 3: Okay, so I think that I agree with what you're saying, but even on a larger scale, I just think that men are more unknowingly or undiagnosed depressed just in the world versus women. I feel like we're forced to sort of face ourselves, even if it's just because we fellowship with one another. And we're like, girl, you depressed? You know, like whatever. But I think my experience, and I don't see this as much with female comedians, With male comedians, they just seem like the comedy aspect of it gives them license to be unserious in the rest of their life. Mm-hmm. Where I think women, we always want to have it. Like, you know how women don't get up on stage and say, I couldn't read and I was a fuck up in school. That's why I'm a comedian. We don't say that. 00:17:54 Speaker 1: Yeah, we're actually reading at very advanced levels very early on. 00:17:58 Speaker 3: Yeah, for the most part, women, you know what I'm saying? But guys, a lot of guys get up on stage and they're like,

yeah, you know, I was the stupid one in class. So I was like, comedy. Like, that's guys and comedy, you know? 00:18:10 Speaker 1: I don't know. 00:18:11 Speaker 3: Sometimes even my closest friends, like... When women really want them, because I know them in their life, I be like, why would a woman allow you to lead her life? Like, yeah, you're funny on stage, but every other thing is falling apart. You know? And so that's, I mean, until they become like superstar rich men, you know what I'm saying? But even then sometimes they're not together. Even then like you can't change personalities and stuff like that. 00:18:38 Speaker 1: I've been around a lot of really successful men who are still like schlubs. 00:18:41 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:18:41 Speaker 1: Or like, you know, like thuggish or like just dumbasses about everything. 00:18:46 Speaker 3: Like they have no... real world experience. 00:18:49 Speaker 1: They're interested in their fame and what their fame can get them. So it's not like they're going to travel the world and experience different cultures or they're reading lots of books. I mean, it's pretty hard. That has to be a requirement moving forward for me. I have to know what books you're reading and you have to be reading one. You can't just be like, uh. And also you can't just be reading fucking books that you're interested in. I think it's really important for all of our edifications to read shit you don't want to read about or things that don't interest you. 00:19:20 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like a man who reads a book. Yeah, it's sexy. That's my fantasy. 00:19:24 Speaker 1: My fantasy is to come home to my house that I've paid for and have a man in the backyard reading a fucking great book. You know what I mean? 00:19:31 Speaker 2: With a cocktail ready for you? 00:19:32 Speaker 4: Yes. 00:19:33 Speaker 3: Yes. 00:19:34 Speaker 1: I need a man who can drink and hold his liquor, not be a fucking loser. Okay. You can do drugs too, but you can't be a loser about it. I like to get down to business. But let me give you some. 00:19:45 Speaker 3: Bad examples of what, if you had to choose. Okay. Okay. 00:19:48 Speaker 1: If you had to choose between- you have to spend two weeks with this person romantically, okay, on an island. Somebody who's not funny at all. Okay. Somebody who's hilarious, but 4'11. Or a Republican who's really good looking. 00:20:04 Speaker 3: And I just have to spend time with them? Two weeks, it's just. 00:20:06 Speaker 1: It's romantic. 00:20:07 Speaker 3: It's romantic. It's just the two of you. 00:20:09 Speaker 1: Yeah, you've got to sleep with them. It's like a thing. It's just basically to save the rest of your family. 00:20:14 Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:20:15 Speaker 3: And you're a good looking Republican. And then the guy who's not funny at all, what does he look like? 00:20:20 Speaker 1: The guy who is not funny at all is not good looking and he's not bad looking. He's average looking, but there's no

personality. So there's nothing going on there. So you can either get somebody who's average and decent, no personality. You can get somebody who's hilarious, but a little nugget. Okay, 411. Or you can get a really good looking Republican. 00:20:41 Speaker 3: For two weeks. For two weeks, I'll probably, I'd probably, ooh, I definitely want to take the good looking Republican. Some in my soul. I just feel like, I don't know if you can get an STI from that, but something about it just Well. 00:21:01 Speaker 1: You know what there is? There's a new sexually transmitted disease. 00:21:05 Speaker 3: Have you heard about this? 00:21:06 Speaker 5: No. 00:21:06 Speaker 1: Diarrhea is being sexually transmitted. 00:21:08 Speaker 3: What? 00:21:10 Speaker 5: Yes. 00:21:10 Speaker 1: What? 00:21:11 Speaker 5: Yes. 00:21:11 Speaker 2: Is this like even a lettuce thing or is it separate? 00:21:14 Speaker 1: I don't even think it has to do with anal penetration. I think it's just sexually transmitted. There's some sort of like an E. coli type of thing. 00:21:22 Speaker 3: It's not E. 00:21:22 Speaker 1: Coli, but it's some sort of like Giardia bacteria that's being transmitted there. 00:21:27 Speaker 3: Sexually, that makes you have diarrhea. Well, I thought it was because too many people, I thought that just meant that people was eating butt. Well, I'm sure people are eating butt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, come on. 00:21:35 Speaker 1: There's a lot of sick shit going on out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't know that I've never done that. So I don't even want to be on the record about that. I mean, a lot of people do things in certain times in their lives when they're searching, and I might be one of those people. 00:21:47 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah. But it's definitely not a recurring pattern. 00:21:49 Speaker 5: Okay, okay. 00:21:50 Speaker 3: Let's just put that out there, okay? 00:21:51 Speaker 5: Okay. 00:21:52 Speaker 1: You heard it here first. 00:21:53 Speaker 3: It doesn't even matter as long as you didn't get explosive diarrhea. 00:21:56 Speaker 1: Yeah. 00:21:57 Speaker 3: To each his own. 00:21:58 Speaker 1: Thank you. And there's a lot of different, there's always new STIs, STDs popping in. 00:22:03 Speaker 3: So you don't know what's around the corner. But I mean, also too, just in the realm of STIs and STDs, diarrhea is not that bad. Is that something, you know, people are like, it's like a shocking and funny to talk about, but it's like, if I had to choose between herpes and diarrhea, I'm taking diarrhea. 00:22:21 Speaker 1: I would just take both and turn it into a victory party. How did it come about that the Obamas... Wait, let me choose my person. 00:22:30 Speaker 3: Oh my God, I'm so terrible. Oh my God. 00:22:32 Speaker 1: I was just like getting scared I'm going to start admitting more stuff, so I'm moving on. I was like, wait, yeah, let's choose. 00:22:38 Speaker 2: Sorry. 00:22:39 Speaker 3: I think that I think that I would go with the, you said the one who doesn't have a personality, he's not good looking either? Like medium? 00:22:46 Speaker 1: He's medium. Just no harm, no foul. Like you could deal with him. But he's not bringing anything to the table. He's not turning you on. He's not making you laugh. And he's not intelligent. 00:22:57 Speaker 3: Oh, then I'm definitely going to take this really funny short guy. 00:23:00 Speaker 1: Short king. 00:23:01 Speaker 5: Yes. 00:23:01 Speaker 3: That's what I'm thinking. 00:23:02 Speaker 1: That's what I'm thinking. Because that would make a good story, A, which is always my impetus for things. I'm like, will this turn into something fun I can talk about later? And then B, yeah. 00:23:11 Speaker 3: I just think. 00:23:12 Speaker 1: Humor is so much more important from a man than anybody else. 00:23:16 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:23:16 Speaker 1: I really do. 00:23:17 Speaker 3: And if we're having a good time, it'll probably take up most of the two weeks. You know what I'm saying? 00:23:23 Speaker 5: Right. 00:23:23 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:23:24 Speaker 1: And it can't be. 00:23:26 Speaker 1: Right, exactly. 00:23:27 Speaker 3: And if he's short, he's already down there. Like, there's a lot of perks to this. That's right. He still knows he's short because he's not alone. He's there in comparison to me, which is very tall. So he still feels a bit inferior, you know what I'm saying? And so he's going to work extra hard. Oh, yeah, for sure. 00:23:45 Speaker 1: Unless he has Napoleon syndrome, you know, where he is an asshole and he's short because we don't know, but we just know he's funny. 00:23:52 Speaker 3: Yeah, but if he's an asshole and he's short and it's just him and I on this island for two weeks, he's going to have no power as an asshole. Right. You can only be an asshole if somebody gives you power. 00:24:02 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's the spirit. 00:24:02 Speaker 3: And I'll look down at him and laugh and go. 00:24:06 Speaker 3: And walk off and I'll reach up into the tree and grab a mango. I don't know why. 00:24:11 Speaker 1: I like that you already know which island you're going to. I didn't say anything about tropical weather. I just said an island. 00:24:18 Speaker 2: It could be Iceland. 00:24:21 Speaker 3: You never know. 00:24:23 Speaker 1: Tell me how the Obamas got involved in producing your special. 00:24:27 Speaker 3: I had the crazy idea. Two or three years ago during the 2024 election, election cycle, I made this like, post because they were campaigning and Kamala was campaigning and Michelle was meeting her on a campaign trail and they were in Michigan and I was doing shows in Detroit. And I made this video that I posted to social media. I heard that Michelle is in Michigan. I'm doing a show. We have two tickets. We saved a table for you. Let us know if you can make it. You don't have to bring Barack. You know what I'm saying? Whatever you need, let me know. I'll see if Uber has bulletproof black cards. I'm just going

on this video. And I posted. In my mind, I'm not really talking to Michelle Obama. In my mind, I'm promoting my shows in Detroit because I keep saying, I'm at Detroit. I'm at this club. And so when I posted it, so many people tagged her. Tagged her, tagged her, tagged her, tagged her. And then her team was like, you know she's such a big fan of yours. 00:25:26 Speaker 1: Right? 00:25:26 Speaker 3: And I was like, I did not know. And so, I don't know, shortly after that, I went to a get out and vote event in Atlanta. And she was, you know, it was a lot of people there. 00:25:39 Speaker 2: It was almost like a concert. 00:25:41 Speaker 3: And she was speaking. And so I met her. And I had one of those mean girl moments. You know, like when you're in a room of like important people and you go to like someone who you're a fan of. It's almost like if I saw you, Chelsea, and I was like, oh, my God, Chelsea, I love you. You're so funny. And you were like, who are you? And just walked away. I had a moment like that. 00:26:00 Speaker 1: Right. 00:26:01 Speaker 3: And so I was like, well, let me let me sit my behind down. Which is so crazy because you would figure anybody in that room belongs in that room. 00:26:09 Speaker 1: Right. 00:26:10 Speaker 3: And so I just sat down. I was like, I tried to make myself just a little bit small, you know. And Michelle, she comes into the room and everybody's like, you know, congratulating her and telling her how good her speech is, which it was. She's such a fantastic speaker. And in the middle of whatever she's saying, she turns and she sees me sitting down and she's like, Zaynab Johnson. I love this girl. She's so funny. And she just like ushers me to like everybody. Right. And at the time I had just put out my first special, which was on Prime. And she says, you have to check out her special. It's on Netflix. And she just keeps saying Netflix, right? But in my mind, I'm like, Amazon paid for this special. She got to say Amazon. But I didn't correct her because it's like, that's Michelle Obama. This is my first time meeting her. I was balancing a lot of thoughts and emotions. And so I didn't correct her. And then I spoke with somebody on her staff right after. And she was like, did she say Netflix? And I was like, yeah, she was like, why didn't you correct her? She knows it's prom. I was like, well, I'm not going to correct the freaking former first lady. But also in my mind, I was like, she just spoke it into existence, you know? And so now fast forward, when I'm deciding to do a special, another special, I was actually watching Shang Wang. Do you know the comedian Shang Wang? Of course, yeah. I love Shang Wang, love Ali Wong, love how she kind of like ushers, you know, kind of like lays the... I don't know, just like, if you love me. 00:27:43 Speaker 1: You're going to love him. 00:27:44 Speaker 3: And I really just, I was watching his most recent special and I just loved that. But she doesn't do it in like a grand way. She almost does it like she's not her, right? And so I was like, hmm, who's going to introduce me on my special? And I was like, I thought about like more obvious people like, oh, should I ask Dave Chappelle? Like I thought about more obvious people. And then I just got the crazy idea. I was like, I'm going to see if Michelle Obama will just do a voice of God for me. I'm just going to, I'm going to reach out to her communications team. And I'm going to see, I wrote it, I put everything in one message. So it didn't have to be a back and forth. I'm asking, you know, exactly what I need. If you just, yeah, yes or no. And if you decide to do it, I gave them options. Like she can do it on her phone. She can do it while she's taping her podcast. Like, I understand, like, you know, I said it really humbly. I understand that this is a wild idea. Like I conveyed all of that in one message and they came back. My team was like, my managers were like, well, let us know when you send that text. And we'll, you know, we'll just let the people... The team. Yeah, the team know that you sent that text. And then shortly after that, I just got calls from everybody. And they were like, yeah, she's... Not only is she going to introduce you, but they would like to produce it. And I was like, it's... I know, I know. That is awesome. And I was like, you know, so I always get these phone calls from like my reps where it's good news and they'll ask me like I'm going to say no. They're like, so are you okay with that? 00:29:23 Speaker 1: They're like, you're going to get paid an extra $ 250, 000 for your one day of work. Are you okay with that? 00:29:30 Speaker 3: I remember the first time, like when I became a series regular, because I had taped this I'm on a show called Upload, right? And I taped this pilot. And I was a guest star possible recurring, right? And right before we went to series, they offered me like a series regular. And all my team called me and was like, so they want to make you a series regular. Is that something that you're... And I was like, what? Is there a school? Are they teaching you guys to converse this way? And I mean, I guess... I'm happy I don't have a team that's like, take the deal. You can't take the deal. You know what I'm saying? We need commission. 00:30:06 Speaker 1: First of all, there must have been a team meeting where they had a bad experience with somebody. 00:30:09 Speaker 3: They're like, you have to ask permission. 00:30:11 Speaker 1: You can't tell these people, oh, great, we're doing it because why would they act like that? 00:30:16 Speaker 3: Every single time with me, whenever it's good news, they're like, So, you know, there's this wonderful thing that has never happened to anybody else and it's happening to you. Are you okay with that? And I'm like, I was like kind of shocked. I was at dinner with my friend and she went to the bathroom and came back and I was on this phone call. And I was just sort of like kind

of just stuck. And she was like, and I was like, you know, as soon as I hung up, I was like, so the Obamas are going to produce my special. And she was like, yeah, she was like, and I'm the type of person I don't tell anybody. I don't tell people what I'm doing when I'm doing it. So as much as I had that idea, I didn't reach out to anybody and say, I don't ask my friends or family for permission. It's like if it's in my mind, then I've ran it by my reps because I needed them to tell me if it's wildly unprofessional. You know what I'm saying? But other than that, I just keep everything to myself. 00:31:15 Speaker 1: I understand that. I don't do that, but I understand it. I wish I could do that, but sometimes I get ahead of myself. I guess as I've gotten older, but I totally get it because you don't want anybody out there having bad ideas or weighing in on your success. You know what I mean? 00:31:28 Speaker 3: You know, a lot of people think that that's actually not why I do it. I don't know if you know this, but I'm one of 13. 00:31:34 Speaker 1: I do know that. 00:31:36 Speaker 3: And I am just used to it not being about me. And I'm not even in a sad way. like almost like in a refreshing way. Like, it's not really about me. Like there's always, the moment I think that I have caused my mom the most devastation, my sister did something worse. 00:31:55 Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying? 00:31:56 Speaker 3: Like it's never, so there's always something else happening. And so I've just kind of, I think I've gotten into the practice of like, I got to share so much. So everything, even good things, ideas, whatever, I just keep it all to myself because it's like, this is just my separate thing in my life, you know? 00:32:19 Speaker 1: I like it. No, I like it. I think it's an interesting perspective. I mean, when you're one of 13 kids, I'm one of six kids, so not quite 13. What number are you? 00:32:33 Speaker 3: Fifth. Okay. 00:32:35 Speaker 1: So are you... I'd like to talk about that. 00:32:38 Speaker 3: Yeah, let's talk about it. 00:32:39 Speaker 1: What is the dynamic between men, women? 00:32:42 Speaker 3: So there's six girls, seven boys. Before my last younger brother, my youngest brother, they were six and six. The first two are girls, then it's two boys, then it's me, then it's four boys, then it's three girls, then it's one boy. So I was around a lot of boys. And... Yeah, I think that there's a set of twins, boy and girl, so they have their own kind of relationship. I find that I'm equally close with all of them. All of your siblings? For the most part. That's a lot of people to be close with. 00:33:18 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:33:18 Speaker 3: We have different relationships. We definitely have different relationships. I made the mistake in a group chat recently for one of my younger brother's birthdays. I said, yeah, because he's my favorite. Everybody. I just started getting screenshots of people changing how they had my name saved

in their phone. My little sister sent me, she sent me a screenshot of, it went from Bestie Z with a heart to Zaynab Johnson. And it was like, you cannot, you can't, amongst all of us, we're all on a family group chat, you cannot say Zaynab. The F word, you can't say favorite. No, no, no, no, no. 00:33:53 Speaker 1: That's a private conversation. 00:33:55 Speaker 3: But I was joking, clearly. Yeah, I know. I know better, but it was mutiny. 00:34:00 Speaker 1: I know, I know. But everyone knows who the favorites are anyway. Everyone knows. So do you have tons of nieces and nephews like I do because of all your siblings? 00:34:08 Speaker 3: I have over 20. Oh, wow. 00:34:10 Speaker 1: So how do you guys organize your family with that many people? 00:34:14 Speaker 3: Or do you spend all the holidays together? Some of them, but like, I don't think, I can't remember like a time where in the, I don't know, past like decade or even 20 years probably that we've all been together. Like sometimes it's a good amount of, well, even the one time where we were all together, my one, my criminal brother, he was in jail. So yeah, they wasn't going to let him out. So yeah, you know, but yeah, we like, I think for this Thanksgiving, we're going to my older, one of my older brother's house. He lives in San Antonio, him and his family. I was actually just there the other day. And so maybe it's like his wife, little Korean woman, she was like, he said it's going to be 50 people. And I was like, no, it's not going to, more like 22. It's not going to be, it's not going to be 50. It's not everybody and their kids coming, but like, it'll be like, you know, four siblings and their kids. Sure. I think it's such a big advantage to grow up with a lot of siblings. Yeah. 00:35:08 Speaker 1: It really gives you a nice plethora of personality types to have to deal with and also to become, you have to become independent when there are that many people around. 00:35:18 Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure, for sure. 00:35:19 Speaker 1: Because, yeah. 00:35:20 Speaker 3: I think, I don't know if you're like this, but do you have a lot of siblings? 00:35:23 Speaker 2: I have three, so I'm one of four. 00:35:25 Speaker 3: Okay, okay. I feel like I attract all only children. 00:35:29 Speaker 1: Oh, interesting. 00:35:30 Speaker 3: My friends, love interest. Only children. And if they're not an only child, that means then they have step-siblings or they have half-siblings. Or like there's a big age gap. Like they were raised and then their sibling is like 16 years younger than them or older than them. But they've been raised almost like an only child. Yamanika. Yeah. I'm telling you, every friend and love interest that has ever been close to me, they have been only child life. And I think it's because I know how to deal with their need. Yeah. 00:35:59 Speaker 1: What is your astrological sign? 00:36:01 Speaker 3: I'm an Aries. 00:36:02 Speaker 4: Aries. 00:36:03 Speaker 3: Okay. 00:36:03 Speaker 1:

And do Aries and Scorpios mix? I know Yama's a Scorpio and that's her... She likes to talk about being a Scorpio a lot. She's actually gotten me more into astrology. And I'm reading this book called Hour of the Witch, I think it's called. 00:36:14 Speaker 2: Season of the Witch. 00:36:15 Speaker 1: Season of the Witch. 00:36:16 Speaker 3: Thank you. 00:36:17 Speaker 1: And it really is, it kind of reminds you to like all that witchiness. like that you sometimes kind of denounce or go, oh, that's too much, which is how I treat astrology because I'm always like, this is so ridiculous. Everything you read is applicable to every sign depending on what fucking day of the week it is. But it really is making me think that it is important to pay attention to all these signs because women have such intuition about things and we've been told our whole lives to like shut it down and that science is science and that's fact and that it has to be logical whereas women's intuition isn't necessarily measurable. But we have it. We have an instinct about things. We have a gut reaction to things. And the more we mute that, you know what I mean? The less we listen to it. And so it's a good reminder of even things like, you know, astrology is important to pay attention to. 00:37:06 Speaker 3: How do Aries get along with Scorpios? 00:37:08 Speaker 1: Nicely? 00:37:08 Speaker 3: So I don't really know much about signs, but I know that Yamanika hates Aries. I know she hates Aries and I know that they are, they might be like the worst sign for her. And she reminds me every, whenever I'm like, you know, giving her guidelines, she, she's like, and this is why, and she's, and this is why, you know, she'll be like, she'd be like, see, every time I think I could like you, then I remember your name. 00:37:33 Speaker 1: Yeah. 00:37:34 Speaker 3: Yeah. So, yeah. So I don't know, but I did, one of my boyfriends was a Scorpio. One of my ex boyfriends was a Scorpio. And I did learn with him. I was the most honest with him. I was the most, because he, he was the most like, I don't want to... Vindictive's not the right word, but he had the most get back. Okay. You know, like, I would tell him the truth because I knew it would be better than letting it fester for him. Yes. Because he'll just build a portfolio against me. 00:38:08 Speaker 1: Right. 00:38:09 Speaker 3: Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah, totally. That was the thing about him that I just remember. He was so... He would build a case against me for months and put the clues together. And not that I was some horrible girlfriend, but I mean... He was that sort of. 00:38:24 Speaker 2: Like holding grudges. 00:38:26 Speaker 3: I'm the type of person, if I have a problem with you, if I have a problem with you, I'm just going to confront you because I don't want it to be carrying it. 00:38:35 Speaker 1: Yeah, no, no. Everyone needs to behave that way. It is such a waste of everyone's time. 00:38:39 Speaker 3: And I'm going to confront you. I do not want it to be negative. I just want it to free us of whatever. 00:38:45 Speaker 1: Because a conflict or a confrontation doesn't have to be negative and there doesn't have to be yelling. You can simply say to someone, this is upsetting to me for this A, B, and C, you know, and have a conversation about it, which is a great tool and a great strength tool and a great tool for women to use when having direct conflict, you know, because it doesn't have to blow up and it doesn't have to be an argument. 00:39:06 Speaker 3: Yeah, but you know those people who they'll be like, yeah, because in October when you... In October when you said this, and then you did it again. Like, they log. 00:39:16 Speaker 5: Yeah. 00:39:16 Speaker 3: Every time you do that thing that they've wanted to speak up about and they didn't. 00:39:21 Speaker 1: Yes, yes. And then they come to. 00:39:22 Speaker 3: You with a case. Even they'll say, even when we were at dinner, my friends even said, in November, my friends said, and it's like. But then that's also. 00:39:30 Speaker 2: On them for. 00:39:32 Speaker 4: Not having brought it up when it came up and letting it build and build and build inside of them. 00:39:37 Speaker 1: You have a bit about Angie Nixon, who's running for the Senator in Florida, because our white goblin- Laura Loomer, one of our white goblins. 00:39:47 Speaker 3: One of our white goblins. 00:39:48 Speaker 1: Called her a ghetto black bitch. Yeah. And that it's a high compliment. 00:39:53 Speaker 3: Just like my bitch said, I had no idea who Angie Nixon was. But then when I saw Laura, I don't, I didn't really even know who Laura Loomer was. I try to stay clear of those types of people. You know, like you ain't nothing to look at. You ain't saying nothing. You know what I'm saying? You just bad energy all around. So I try to stay clear of them. but it was so publicized, you know? And I'm like, ghetto black bitch. Now, who? 00:40:14 Speaker 5: Who? 00:40:14 Speaker 3: Who could this be? 00:40:15 Speaker 1: Yeah, like, I don't know why. 00:40:16 Speaker 3: I instantly got excited. It wasn't even fabricated for me. I was like, it's a ghetto black bitch running? What's the campaign? 00:40:24 Speaker 1: And then. 00:40:25 Speaker 3: It's a great campaign slogan. Yeah, oh my God. 00:40:27 Speaker 1: Ghetto black bitch is, I mean, you should be taking that and running with it. 00:40:31 Speaker 3: Yeah, and here's the thing. Then I started watching videos. It's like, now I know exactly who Angie Nixon is. And I started watching videos on her. And I'm like, wow, this was the best they could come up with. This was the best that they could come up with. And then I just, you know, I just got on stage. I told my friend before I got on stage, because I was like at the Comedy Cellar. And, you know, Comedy Cellar, that's not the place where I just open up with a new joke. That's the place where I'll do a bit that I feel I'm confident in, and then

I'll, you know, and then I'll start the new joke, right? But right before I got on stage, I said to my friend, I said, you know who Angie Nixon is? 00:41:07 Speaker 1: And he was like, no. 00:41:08 Speaker 3: And then I told him the story. I was like, don't ghetto black bitch sound like a superhero. He was like, now that you put it like that. I had sold it to him in a matter of seconds. And when I went on stage, it's like the audience, the same exact reaction. Do you know her? 00:41:21 Speaker 5: No. 00:41:22 Speaker 3: Well, this person, they knew Laura Loomer and they all had like a, you know. And I'm like, well, she says she was a ghetto black bitch. The entire audience was like, because it's so... That's the last thing we expected to hear in politics. You know how low we have to be where that's your retort? That's your comeback? You know? But also, you know, I be walking in rooms refined and stuff, but I too... have a ghetto black bitch inside of me. You know what I'm saying? You don't even know. You appeal to a large base, you know? So I just, I like to turn when I can. I like to take something and flip it. I think like that's the power of like comedy. I agree. 00:42:06 Speaker 1: Yes. 00:42:07 Speaker 3: De acuerdo. 00:42:09 Speaker 1: We're learning Spanish together. Well, I'm learning Spanish. She already knows Spanish, but yeah. You grew up in Harlem, right? 00:42:16 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:42:16 Speaker 1: And so how do you spend time in Harlem now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you do the Harlem Comedy Club? 00:42:22 Speaker 3: I have never been to the Harlem Comedy Club. 00:42:23 Speaker 1: I'm going to do that with Yamanika on her birthday. On her birthday? 00:42:25 Speaker 3: Are you going to come to her birthday? I don't think that I will be here. Okay. Yeah, number one, it's on election day. 00:42:31 Speaker 5: I know. 00:42:32 Speaker 3: I was like, girl, it's on election day. 00:42:33 Speaker 5: I know. 00:42:33 Speaker 3: Everybody you're inviting, make sure they vote early. Yeah. Just in case they have to leave the jury. 00:42:38 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah. I have my ballot, but I'm dropping my fucking ballot off because these assholes are going into our ballot boxes. 00:42:45 Speaker 3: I believe I'm going to be in Abu Dhabi. That's why. Ooh, look at you. 00:42:49 Speaker 1: I think I'll leave that night. 00:42:50 Speaker 3: Are you going there to perform? To perform. I'm working with Mo Ammer. 00:42:53 Speaker 1: Oh, nice. 00:42:54 Speaker 5: Yeah. 00:42:54 Speaker 1: Didn't he just do Radio City? 00:42:56 Speaker 3: Radio City Musical. 00:42:57 Speaker 1: Yes, I saw that. 00:42:57 Speaker 3: And he was like, come do Radio City Musical. I mean, I was like, I have shows in Columbus, Ohio. And he was. 00:43:04 Speaker 1: Like- You're going to do your own Radio City Musical. 00:43:06 Speaker 3: But you know what? Everybody was like, why didn't you go do it? 6,000 people. And I was like, I have to build my people so that I can do it myself one day. 00:43:15 Speaker 1: Absolutely. 00:43:16 Speaker 5: Yeah. 00:43:16 Speaker 3: That's awesome. That's awesome. 00:43:22 Speaker 1: Are you ready to take some callers? We give live advice here. 00:43:24 Speaker 3: Oh, let's do it. 00:43:24 Speaker 1: Okay. 00:43:25 Speaker 4: Yes. 00:43:25 Speaker 1: What do we got, Catherine? 00:43:26 Speaker 2: Well, our first question. 00:43:28 Speaker 1: You sure you don't want another sip of your favorite water? 00:43:31 Speaker 2: The lemon lime. 00:43:32 Speaker 3: Wait, before you read it, I'm so sorry. It was so gross. 00:43:36 Speaker 1: I can't believe it was so gross. I was going to say that this is the least flavorful one or the worst flavor, but then I was like, no, let me not influence your decision. About it, which clearly I fucking did not. But I can't believe you don't like that. To me, water is so fucking boring that I have got to liven things up. So anytime there's a new brand of flavored water, it comes my way and I am there to sample. 00:44:02 Speaker 3: Do you like kombucha? 00:44:04 Speaker 1: I mean, I can drink kombucha because it's better than water. 00:44:09 Speaker 3: Yeah. Okay, so this is where we are opposites. I think water just in its purest form is refreshing. And I hope we'll continue to get to know each other. From that recommendation, I'm probably not, you know, next time you say something is good, I'm going to be like, it's possibly. 00:44:35 Speaker 4: Maybe it's because you're an Aries and she's a Pisces. 00:44:38 Speaker 3: Who knows? 00:44:40 Speaker 1: I'm a Pisces. 00:44:41 Speaker 3: Yeah, you should know that moving forward. 00:44:44 Speaker 4: Well, our first question comes from Rose. And this is our one drink question. So it's just a shorty. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm in a new relationship. He's amazing and checks every box for me. He's kind, funny, sweet, gentle. He listens well and is very intelligent. 00:44:58 Speaker 2: I really, really like him, but I have a big problem. 00:45:01 Speaker 4: His text messages are horribly cringe. When I get a message, it makes me want to rip my clothes off and shed my skin. I've been avoiding changing the subject when it comes to text, but I need help. I feel like you've mastered kind, clear communication, and I need your help. Here's an example of a message I would receive. Hope you have the best day. Smiley face. Go be your wonderful teacher self and crush it today. Two exclamation points. And if the kids drive you crazy, just remember you get to see me at 515. 00:45:28 Speaker 2: Winky face, winky face, kissy face. 00:45:31 Speaker 1: LOL. 00:45:32 Speaker 4: My sister told me to laugh at it and say it's too much, but I think that can be misconstrued over text. 00:45:37 Speaker 2: Message and I should bring it up in person. 00:45:38 Speaker 3: Health rose. First of all, I'm with you completely. 00:45:41 Speaker 1: I don't like... I have, okay, what's her name, Rose? 00:45:45 Speaker 3: Rose. 00:45:45 Speaker 1: Okay,

tell, first of all, Rose, just be grateful that these aren't spelling mistakes because that's not solvable. If somebody can't spell and they're texting you, then that is the biggest ick. 00:45:56 Speaker 3: So this is workable. 00:45:57 Speaker 1: You can get rid of exclamation points, which I find to be extremely annoying. I don't like emojis unless you're talking to your friends and fucking around. You know what I mean? And the emojis are ridiculous, but not in a flirtatious situation. I don't want any straight men using emojis. It's kind of like the straight guy that I talk about in my set who's going down on a woman. I don't know if you've ever experienced this, when a man is going down on you and then they're in this frogger position, basically. So their anus is completely exposed. 00:46:26 Speaker 3: To the area. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is not a position that straight men are allowed to be in. Okay. 00:46:31 Speaker 1: And that's, to me, there's a direct link between. 00:46:36 Speaker 3: Like, he's face down, ass up? Face down, ass up. 00:46:40 Speaker 5: Oh, wow. Exactly. 00:46:40 Speaker 3: It's not the way we like to fuck men. 00:46:43 Speaker 1: But when a man is in this position, and I've seen men in this position a couple times in movies, once it was my girlfriend's boyfriend, and he was on a show, and I forwarded it to her, and he was basically going down, but he had his It's the most unflattering position for a male to be in. And it's unforgivable. You can't be attracted to someone after that. 00:47:03 Speaker 3: He's definitely exposed. 00:47:04 Speaker 1: But anyway, I think there's a direct link between that, the usage of emojis, and that physical position, sexual position. So you have to just say that. You can't do it over a text, I think. Zainab, you're going to weigh in too, but I think that's something you just say straight away. Go, I'm not into the emojis or the smiley faces or the exclamation points. Like I'd rather just have direct communication for texting. I know you're trying to be really sweet and I appreciate it and I love the responsiveness and the back and forth, but let's just like put a pin in the extra stuff. It's ancillary. You don't need to be sending emojis. And he needs to learn about it. 00:47:45 Speaker 3: I feel very passionately about that. Okay, so I'm going to play devil's advocate. Okay. 00:47:52 Speaker 5: Go. 00:47:53 Speaker 3: I think that if he's been doing that the entire time of their relationship, and she describes him in perfection, aside from that, let the man send his goddamn aspirational text. If that is the biggest problem, there are so many single women, unhappy, there's so many women who are like, I wish my man would text me. I wish my, you know what I'm saying? If that is the biggest issue that you have, first of all, put your text on silent. 00:48:26 Speaker 1: That's not going to prevent her from seeing the emojis, so eventually she'll see them. Whether it's silent or not, she's going

to see the emojis. 00:48:33 Speaker 3: Yeah, and that's something that she should be able to... Get over? It's not even get over. Ignore. Embrace. 00:48:41 Speaker 1: Embrace, okay. 00:48:42 Speaker 3: Embrace. My man sends too many emojis. You know my man, he going to... Oh, it's my man again. Another smiley face. You got to embrace it. Okay, well that's one way to look at it. I completely disagree. I think that you absolutely have to nip it in the bud. 00:48:56 Speaker 1: I cannot, because it is a slippery slope because if she's gotten the ick now, the ick will only get more and more pronounced if she tries to ignore it. Because you know what? I know what you're saying. And that's a great thing, a great tool to take something that annoys you about somebody and flip it, right? 00:49:12 Speaker 3: And go, I like it. 00:49:13 Speaker 1: But I find that that doesn't last. 00:49:16 Speaker 3: Eventually the original ick comes back and resurfaces. 00:49:19 Speaker 1: And then you're almost mad at letting the situation get so far down the road. I know we're talking about emojis, but this is how serious I am about emojis. By the way, I fucking use them all the time. 00:49:30 Speaker 3: But I think maybe what this is revealing to me is that I may have a really low opinion of men. And the reason why I say that, and that's not really to like shit on men, it's just that I remember older women when I was younger saying, pick your poison. Nobody's going to come to you perfect, so pick your poison, right? And so if this guy's poison, I agree with you in a sense of if something bothers you, you can bring it to your partner's attention and kind of talk about it. But if he's like, Babe, I just, if that's the one thing, you figure out how to embrace that thing. I mean, there's women who are like, I mean, you know, my man's an alcoholic. I mean, you know, my man. You know, it's like if we sat you down at a meeting for women who were unhappy, you know what I'm saying? They would run you out of town if you said, I mean, he told me to be the best teacher I could be. Yeah. 00:50:28 Speaker 1: What do you think, Catherine? 00:50:31 Speaker 3: I don't know. 00:50:31 Speaker 2: I might be with Zaynab. I was originally on your team, but I think, Zaynab, I think you've converted me. 00:50:37 Speaker 3: It's okay. So my special, sorry to plug it. It's toxically optimistic. You are? 00:50:40 Speaker 1: I'm telling you. You can plug it as often as you like. 00:50:47 Speaker 3: Yeah, this is my, I'm able to, I'm not trying to be delusional. I completely. 00:50:52 Speaker 1: I hear you, I hear you. 00:50:53 Speaker 3: I completely, it's like, yeah, speak on it because it also, you also know that you honored yourself in saying like, this is like, this is not how I communicate and this is not how I've been communicating. It seems a bit like forced and is it? And if he's like, you know, no, me, I mean, ever since phones came out, my family, we, you know, we used all the emojis. You know what I'm saying? If he gives you the origin story of why he's like that, I think you just go, all right. Yeah. And maybe you can make fun of him for it. 00:51:20 Speaker 5: Yeah. 00:51:20 Speaker 3: Like, you know, and then maybe he'll get the picture. 00:51:22 Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah. 00:51:22 Speaker 3: Or in a passive aggressive way so he gets the message. 00:51:25 Speaker 2: Or like a silly, like, oh, this gives me the egg. 00:51:26 Speaker 1: I knew it was from you because there were fucking 85 smiling faces. 00:51:29 Speaker 3: Maybe that'll put it in, nip it in the bud. But also her example wasn't that drastic. 00:51:35 Speaker 1: No, but it's a small, I mean, I like when people call in about stupid things like that because it's like, it's not a big, It's not a deal breaker. It's just like it could be sexier. You could be sexier. It's an opportunity to sharpen the sexiness in the relationship. Yeah. 00:51:49 Speaker 3: Is he sending eggplant emojis? I don't think so. One of my friends, when she sends me DMs that are funny, I hit that laughing out loud face. It's gotten, like at first when we were doing it, I would send like eight of them to her. Now, if you look at our DMs, it's like this much laughing faith in just to show how much we're enjoying making fun of other people on the internet. All right, Rose. Well, take it. What advice do you have? 00:52:20 Speaker 1: Let us know how you handle it. And what happens. 00:52:28 Speaker 4: Well, our next email comes from Lily. And Zainab, I know you went through a long period of recovery after your car accident when you were younger, so I thought you might be able to answer this question. So Lily says, Dear Chelsea, This spring I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 37 and fell down the rabbit hole of tests, appointments, and reassuring loved ones I was okay. When I heard your episode with Salekha Jawad two days before my first chemo session, I figured it was a sign I should write in. In 2022, I started oil painting and I found what I'm meant to do. I'm finding success and deep inner meaning from my work, but my value as a person has always come from being tall, helpful, productive, self-sufficient, and most importantly, a natural caretaker. While I have outgrown my codependency, I still have a hard time putting myself and my work first with confidence. While I'm still tall, as I prepare for my second chemo treatment in a couple of days, I'm bald, slow, and surrounded by a doting husband, two cuddly cats, and and a community of people asking how to help. I'm so grateful for their well wishes, gifts, I now have a small army of fuzzy socks, and support. If I'm completely honest though, accepting help makes my skin crawl. I feel like all of my inner qualities that give me value have been stripped away. I'm trying to feel neutral about getting less done, but it's incredibly counterintuitive. After some kind-hearted prodding from friends, I've accepted help with meals for weeks I'm sick from

chemo, However, in the back of my mind, I just keep thinking about how my husband and I could figure this out on our own, and I don't know how to repay everyone. Saying thank you seems lacking. When I do think of something I could ask for help with, I worry I'm imposing. This mental struggle feels almost as taxing as the physical treatments. I'm hoping a fresh perspective from you could help. When you couldn't be as independent as you'd like, how did you accept help? 00:54:13 Speaker 2: Thank you for this. 00:54:13 Speaker 4: Podcast, and thank you for taking the time to read this. Also, P.S., I don't wash my legs unless they have dirt on them. 00:54:19 Speaker 3: Lily. 00:54:21 Speaker 1: Hi, Lily. 00:54:22 Speaker 3: Hi. Hi. 00:54:24 Speaker 1: This is our special guest today. Zainab Johnson is here. 00:54:27 Speaker 3: Hi, Lily. 00:54:28 Speaker 5: Hi. Hi. 00:54:29 Speaker 1: Nice to meet you. 00:54:30 Speaker 3: Nice to meet you too. That's a great top. Thank you. 00:54:35 Speaker 1: Okay. Well, first we should talk about the leg washing because this is actually, this comes up with a lot of black women, my black women friends. Brought this to my attention when they told me that I don't... That they wash their legs, like scrub their thighs. 00:54:46 Speaker 2: And I was like, I don't... Like in the shower every time. 00:54:48 Speaker 1: I said, I don't wash my legs. Like the shower and the suds from my hair fall down or whatever. 00:54:54 Speaker 3: Oh, one thing. Whatever falls onto the legs. 00:54:56 Speaker 1: And they were... thoroughly disgusted with me. Where do you stand on this? 00:55:00 Speaker 3: I stand with my black sisters. As she was reading the letter, I had no idea what your ethnic makeup was because I wasn't looking at the screen. And then when she said, also, I don't wash my legs, I said, oh, okay, a white lady. 00:55:15 Speaker 1: Okay. All right. 00:55:16 Speaker 3: And I turned and you. 00:55:17 Speaker 1: Are, in fact, a white lady. 00:55:19 Speaker 2: Don't apologize. 00:55:20 Speaker 3: I mean, we all have to be who we are. 00:55:22 Speaker 1: I love it. I love it. 00:55:24 Speaker 3: First of all, I would write the word grace down. 00:55:26 Speaker 1: Write it down in big fucking letters and put it on your refrigerator and put it on your mirror in your bathroom and put it everywhere that is going to remind you to have grace with yourself and to have grace with people that are trying to help you. Because there's no reason to add to your burden right now. Accept it and be gracious about the people that want to come in and help you. You're not taking advantage of a situation. You need help in this moment and you need to act in grace. And that's the only word I would say to put all over your house. So it is a reminder of you to take what is coming, to rest, to do as little as possible so that you can heal your body and accept the love, accept it. And there's going to be a time in your life where you can return the favor to

different people and you can show up for strangers. They might not even be the people that are helping you in this moment. There's going to come a time where you're going to be able to help other people. And in that moment, you're going to show the grace that you've been gifted with. 00:56:27 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:56:28 Speaker 5: I think I try really hard to remember that if it was anyone else in this situation that's in my life that I care about, I would be doing the same thing. I would be wanting to help them. And so I'm trying to remember that it's all coming from, you know, a source of love and them caring about me. But I think it's hard when, I guess, like, growing up learning that like everything is somewhat contractual or like there is reciprocation that needs to be given. 00:57:01 Speaker 1: So, yeah, but that's just a, that's like a paradigm that you're attaching yourself to. That's not necessarily true. Not everything is contractual in life. Some people are just good people. Some people love you. Some people want to help you. That that's not a contract. And there's, you're adding to the burden of what you're dealing with already. You're dealing with getting your body healthy again, and you're dealing with this illness, the sickness, and you, you, you don't need to be adding to it. Like it's almost, it's unnecessary. And women especially have a hard time taking something without thinking we have to give something in return. And so I would Just really have you really meditate on this idea that you don't owe anyone anything in your time of need. This is it. That you are going to welcome in all the love with grace. And if you detect somebody there for the wrong reasons, you have every right to be like, no, I don't want it from that person or I don't want that person to help me. But stop having, I want this narrative in your head to just quiet. And you have the power to quiet it. And it requires focus, like your focused attention to just be like, that's a negative thought pattern. I don't need any more negative thought patterns in my life right now. 00:58:14 Speaker 2: I'm healing. 00:58:15 Speaker 1: I'm trying to heal. And so, you know, you take the good and you take it with grace and then you show grace outwardly while you're doing that. And that becomes kind of like a revolving door. 00:58:25 Speaker 4: I would even add to that, your friends in this time don't know what to do, but they desperately want to do something. And so it's almost like a gift to them to be able to tell them a specific, like, hey, I need, could you pick this up? 00:58:39 Speaker 2: Or, you know, could you run this errand for me? 00:58:41 Speaker 4: Or could you come over for a couple hours and we'll watch a movie because I'm just not feeling good? Whatever it might be, to give them a specific of how they can help is actually really a gift. So they're not just home worried and, you know. 00:58:52 Speaker 5: Yeah. 00:58:53 Speaker 3: What about you, Zainab? What do you think? I think I agree with everything that the both of you said. I think words that I would add to grace are like gratitude. Like just reframing how you see things and see yourself, see your situation. Gratitude, but also deserving. You're deserving of people caring about you. You're deserving of people helping you. You're deserving of being a burden on someone for a little while, especially at the beginning of the letter, you described how helpful you always are, you know? And so you're deserving of that, but also like the, the, the beautiful thing about you being like a survivor and, and hopefully in the future, someone who's simply thriving, the beauty in that is that you get to reinvent yourself. You get to change, like you get to change your identity. So at, before you were a tall woman who was always helpful and then, And now you get to be someone, now you get to be a light bird. You get to be a little fragile baby bird that everybody has to handle. And then after that, you get to be a phoenix and rise from that. You get to decide. And so in all of this, regardless of how you feel, how hard it is to, you know, ask God, to ask for help, like go back to grace, like just. 01:00:19 Speaker 1: Yeah, but gratitude is good too. All of the stuff, like whenever you have these thoughts, and this is another thing to take you back to like the Season of the Witch book, it's like our thoughts are so fucking powerful, right? Like we don't, we don't, it's immeasurable. So we don't take it so seriously. And so we grow up and we get older and we realize, oh, wow, we are fucking witches. We are powerful. We do make things happen with our thoughts. So like, think about that. Think about what you want to happen. And just, and think about not, we have this idea that we don't, we're not deserving of all this care and all this love. 01:00:56 Speaker 3: And every single person is. And that includes you. 01:01:01 Speaker 1: So it's like you're giving a gift to yourself and to others by being open to things and being open to help and asking for it. And the people that are supposed to be there will remain there and the people who aren't will find their way out. 01:01:15 Speaker 3: Yeah, and if anybody feels like they're doing it and they want you to owe them, by the time you get through this and it's time to pay back, it's like, girl, don't even worry about it. Right. 01:01:24 Speaker 1: It's too late now. 01:01:25 Speaker 3: I'm thriving. Sorry. 01:01:29 Speaker 1: That's when you become toxic. That's when you become toxically optimistic, okay? That's Zaynab's new special, so you want to go watch that on Netflix. Please. Watch it. Yeah. Share it. Yeah. Go make it, go watch it. 01:01:42 Speaker 3: That's exactly what you need. That's what the doctor ordered to go watch this. 01:01:46 Speaker 1: Special right now so that that can lift your spirits and find, and find a way, like literally just start a practice in the morning so that you set yourself up for the

positive vibes coming your way so that you're in, you're ready to receive and just do this every morning in a ritual way, whether it's talking to yourself or meditating or or looking at the sign that says grace on your mirror in your bathroom. Sit with that for a moment and just think about the intention that you have for the day. And your intention is to heal and receive love and kindness. 01:02:20 Speaker 3: Thank you. 01:02:21 Speaker 5: Yeah. I think it's hard to reframe your brain, but the examples that you gave me in writing grace as a affirmation and kind of sitting with the gratitude rather than worrying about what I need to do in the future in order to be worthy of it now is really important. And I think that that's something I could definitely implement. 01:02:45 Speaker 1: Love it. 01:02:46 Speaker 3: Love it. 01:02:46 Speaker 2: All right. Thank you, Lily. 01:02:47 Speaker 1: Wishing you a lot of healing and sending you a lot of love. 01:02:51 Speaker 5: Thank you so much. I'll see you in December. Okay. Great. 01:02:54 Speaker 3: I'll see you in Denver. All right. Bye. 01:02:57 Speaker 5: Thank you. 01:02:58 Speaker 3: Oh, that was nice. 01:03:00 Speaker 5: I know. 01:03:01 Speaker 2: I'm a sweetie. 01:03:02 Speaker 1: Men don't have any problem taking things from people. 01:03:04 Speaker 3: You know what I mean? When the guy would have been ahead of bed. 01:03:06 Speaker 5: Exactly. Yes. 01:03:06 Speaker 3: So our write-in comes from Colin. 01:03:07 Speaker 4: He says, Dear Chelsea, My ex and I broke up six months ago, and when he left, he also left behind a bunch of very important stuff at my place. I'm talking diplomas, personal documents, and even some family heirlooms. Not long after the breakup, he moved all the way to Wisconsin and apparently into witness protection because no one can reach him. 01:03:33 Speaker 2: I've genuinely tried to do the right thing. 01:03:35 Speaker 4: I contacted friends and mutuals, and when I finally got an address, I mailed his diploma and documents. The package came back marked undeliverable, which felt like the universe saying, girl, you tried. 01:03:46 Speaker 2: I don't want to reconnect. I don't want closure. 01:03:48 Speaker 4: I just want my space back. At this point, holding onto his stuff feels like I'm running the world's saddest storage unit, except I'm not getting paid. 01:03:55 Speaker 2: So what do I do here? 01:03:56 Speaker 4: How long am I responsible for someone else's belongings when they won't take responsibility for themselves? And how do I let this go without being the villain, Colin? 01:04:06 Speaker 1: I mean, I would just, I don't know. Is it so much stuff she can't just hold onto it? 01:04:11 Speaker 4: He is a guy, but I think it's been like a while. It's been like, Quite some time. 01:04:17 Speaker 1: Oh, interesting. 01:04:18 Speaker 3: I feel like this is where I've made you guys think so positively and optimistically. But it's like, throw that shit away. 01:04:26 Speaker 5: What? 01:04:26 Speaker 2: That's what I think. 01:04:27 Speaker 3: Throw it away. Who cares? Don't nobody need their diploma after you get it. If he doesn't want it, why should it be more important to you than it is to him? Throw that shit away. If he has to find his diploma or heirlooms or whatever, it must not... Okay, this is a great example. You ever had anything in your car trunk? Right. And it's been like, you know what, I'm going to do whatever I'm going to do with this stuff in my car trunk. And then after two years, you realize... this stuff is still in my trunk. It has to be trash. I have not thought about it for two years. I had, my car was total. Years ago, my car was total. And I had stuff in my trunk that I thought meant so much to me. And then when it got total, like I lost everything in a trunk. And for a split second, I was like, I almost like wanted to argue with the insurance company. 01:05:14 Speaker 1: Like, you gotta give me everything. 01:05:16 Speaker 3: And then I was like, I didn't open that. I didn't care about that stuff in that trunk for three years. Like, Yeah. Let it go. 01:05:23 Speaker 1: I'm not, you're right. Let it go. I'll agree with you on this one, that you should throw it away. Like, it's not your responsibility, and who are you to have to deal with that anyway? And it sounds like the guy's fucking dead or something. I mean, if you can't, nobody can find him. 01:05:35 Speaker 5: Yeah. 01:05:35 Speaker 3: Yeah. 01:05:35 Speaker 1: It's not, it's definitely not your responsibility. I just don't, like, do you put it in storage or do you. 01:05:39 Speaker 3: Just toss it in the trash? 01:05:41 Speaker 2: Shred the paperwork, donate the heirlooms. 01:05:43 Speaker 1: Yeah. 01:05:44 Speaker 3: Also, you didn't, how long were they with this person? 01:05:47 Speaker 2: It doesn't say how long, but it was at least six months ago. 01:05:49 Speaker 3: Maybe you don't know none of the family. 01:05:50 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean. 01:05:52 Speaker 3: Well, let me not make them feel bad. He don't know none of the family. She's like, no, I never met anyone in his family. 01:06:00 Speaker 1: Are you supposed to? 01:06:02 Speaker 3: I actually throw people's stuff away immediately. 01:06:04 Speaker 5: Yeah. 01:06:05 Speaker 1: Good for you. 01:06:05 Speaker 3: I throw it away immediately. I'm not going to return it to you. If you left it, if however we left, you felt like you needed to leave these things, I politely put, I don't give you notice of it. I'm not trying to bring it back to your house. As they said, I don't need closure. What's going to give me closure is when I put all of your belongings in the incinerator. Truly. 01:06:34 Speaker 1: Oh, Zainab, it was so nice to meet you. 01:06:36 Speaker 3: It was nice to meet you. 01:06:38 Speaker 1: Congratulations on all of your success and your newest special, which is called Toxically Optimistic. It's streaming on Netflix, so everybody go watch it. 01:06:48 Speaker 4: If you want advice from Chelsea, write in to DearChelseaPodcast at gmail.com. Dear Chelsea is a production of iHeartMedia. Follow Chelsea on all socials at Chelsea Handler and find Catherine on Instagram and TikTok at Eggs on a Plane. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brandon Dickert, executive producer Catherine Law. Find full video episodes and minisodes now on Netflix and get tickets to see Chelsea live at ChelseaHandler.com.