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Trust Physics: The Accountability Sequence

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WEBVTT 00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:08.240 The accountability sequence isn't a random set set of tools that you can use out of order, it's a sequence, and curiosity has to come first. 00:00:08.480 --> 00:00:16.320 And it really ideally happens the moment there is any gap between what you expect and what happened. 00:00:21.440 --> 00:00:23.440 Hi Julie, how are you today? 00:00:23.760 --> 00:00:24.239 I'm good. 00:00:24.320 --> 00:00:25.280 How are you, Hannah? 00:00:25.519 --> 00:00:26.000 Wonderful. 00:00:26.079 --> 00:00:27.519 It's good to see you. 00:00:27.760 --> 00:00:29.839 How hot is Arizona right now? 00:00:30.160 --> 00:00:31.039 Too hot. 00:00:31.519 --> 00:00:36.560 But you know, I'm okay with it because they say that when it's hot, it's more likely to rain. 00:00:36.719 --> 00:00:40.640 And I just have my fingers and toes crossed for a good monsoon this year. 00:00:40.799 --> 00:00:42.159 I need the rain in my life. 00:00:42.399 --> 00:00:47.759 The monsoon is the the anticipation for it is so palpable among everybody. 00:00:48.079 --> 00:00:49.679 Yes, you feel it in your bones. 00:00:49.840 --> 00:00:51.200 What's it like in Spain right now? 00:00:51.359 --> 00:00:54.640 There's a heat zone over Europe, but I am not experiencing much of it. 00:00:54.719 --> 00:00:57.920 Like it is hot here, but it's only, it's it's not 90 degrees. 00:00:58.000 --> 00:01:01.840 But the humidity is like 100%, which is so sweaty. 00:01:02.079 --> 00:01:03.200 That is very sweaty. 00:01:03.280 --> 00:01:07.599 I grew up in the humid land of humidity, and it is no joke. 00:01:07.840 --> 00:01:10.400 I like crave the oven of the desert a little bit. 00:01:10.560 --> 00:01:15.200 I'm like, oh my God, just a blast of hot, dry air would be so nice right now. 00:01:15.599 --> 00:01:18.959 I'd be more than happy to just send it all to you. 00:01:19.920 --> 00:01:26.079 I got this amazing, like, I'm a I got a fan that's battery powered and it like extends. 00:01:26.159 --> 00:01:30.239 And so I just I call in my boy fans and I carry him around the house. 00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:36.799 My husband's very accepting of my second relationship with a fan that comes with me everywhere. 00:01:37.280 --> 00:01:38.079 Amazing. 00:01:38.319 --> 00:01:39.120 Oh, goody. 00:01:39.439 --> 00:01:40.879 Well, I am super excited today. 00:01:40.959 --> 00:01:43.840 This is our last episode of season two. 00:01:44.159 --> 00:01:48.959 For those of you who don't know, we're here on Inside Conscience Driven Leadership, the podcast. 00:01:49.040 --> 00:01:50.400 I am your host, Hannah Miller. 00:01:50.719 --> 00:01:54.159 And I am Julie Uber, co-conspirator and book lover. 00:01:54.400 --> 00:01:55.040 Yay! 00:01:55.519 --> 00:01:57.359 We need your book loving so much. 00:01:57.920 --> 00:01:58.719 Oh my gosh. 00:01:58.879 --> 00:02:02.000 I wish it was raining and I was reading in a cozy chair. 00:02:02.079 --> 00:02:04.879 And but I'm also very happy to be here with you, Hannah. 00:02:05.120 --> 00:02:06.000 That wasn't a dig. 00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:06.799 Bye. 00:02:06.879 --> 00:02:07.760 We're not doing a podcast. 00:02:07.920 --> 00:02:10.960 Julie's gonna go turn on rain noise and read in the corner. 00:02:11.360 --> 00:02:14.080 Sorry, I saw a book and I must read it now. 00:02:14.319 --> 00:02:14.960 Apologies. 00:02:15.520 --> 00:02:28.960 So conscience-driven leadership is a leadership framework that I've created for leaders who are driven by a need to clear obstacles for other people so that the people around them can really do their best work and reach their full potential. 00:02:29.120 --> 00:02:34.879 And instead of leaders who are driven by ambition or climbing a corporate ladder. 00:02:35.120 --> 00:02:35.360 Yes. 00:02:35.520 --> 00:02:42.719 And this season is really focused on trust physics, which is a really key aspect of CDL, as we call it. 00:02:43.120 --> 00:02:49.919 It's a way to stay whole in your relationships by holding people accountable in a way that drives relationships forward. 00:02:50.159 --> 00:02:53.360 Today we're gonna be talking about the accountability sequence. 00:02:53.520 --> 00:02:57.919 And I actually, and we didn't talk about this in advance, so sorry to bring this on you, Julie. 00:02:58.080 --> 00:03:07.199 I actually don't want to go through the whole sequence because there's the first part of the sequence, which is what people don't usually do, and then there's the second part of the sequence, which is what people usually do. 00:03:07.280 --> 00:03:20.000 So we'll touch on it, but I think I want to spend most of our time really digging into the first two steps in the accountability sequence, which is curiosity and clarity or clarifying. 00:03:20.240 --> 00:03:24.159 So to kind of kick us off with this, Hannah, uh, why does accountability fail? 00:03:24.319 --> 00:03:27.520 And how do you know when intervention is needed? 00:03:27.840 --> 00:03:32.240 So I think accountability fails mostly because people skip those first two steps. 00:03:32.479 --> 00:03:42.240 I think the way we think of accountability and the way we're taught accountability works in the world is that we wait until something has identified as a real problem. 00:03:42.479 --> 00:03:47.120 And then we come to someone and say, there is a problem and I am going to hold you accountable. 00:03:47.280 --> 00:03:49.120 And there's an undercurrent there. 00:03:49.280 --> 00:03:59.520 What I find really interesting is on Trust Physics Live, which is a monthly call I have with anybody who wants to drop in and talk about trust physics, we were talking about accountability last month. 00:03:59.840 --> 00:04:07.439 And when I asked people how accountable accountability showed up in their lives, everyone talked about how they hold themselves accountable. 00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:10.479 No one brought up holding other people accountable. 00:04:10.639 --> 00:04:29.519 And I was like, that I think that is an interesting thing
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that conscience-driven leaders are more likely to think of accountability as something that's their responsibility to bring for themselves and not something that they need to bring out and that they need to do with the people in their lives. 00:04:29.680 --> 00:04:34.639 And I think the reason we're afraid to hold other people accountable is for the exact same reason. 00:04:34.879 --> 00:04:43.839 We think accountability is something that is a character, uh is a part of our character, and not being accountable is a character flaw. 00:04:44.000 --> 00:05:01.600 And so that means if I say to you, Julie, hey Julie, I need to have an accountability conversation with you because I had an expectation and you didn't meet it, on some level, I think we think that the undercurrent of that message is me saying, hey, Julie, I think you're a crappy person and you have this character flaw. 00:05:01.839 --> 00:05:08.319 Yeah, no, I and I think that we avoid those two because we're trying to keep the peace. 00:05:08.399 --> 00:05:13.600 Um, and we're avoiding honesty because of the emotional hurt that could come from that. 00:05:13.759 --> 00:05:19.120 Uh so and I think we see that a lot in our early relationships too, to take it from more of a personal approach. 00:05:19.279 --> 00:05:36.000 I think we all kind of look back to a cringy early relationship when we are just absolute puppies and so blinded by the love that we uh we we first of all don't know our boundaries and and what we need. 00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:39.600 Um, but we also feel like this is this is the ride or die. 00:05:39.680 --> 00:05:44.720 Like we have to mold ourselves to this relationship in a way that doesn't consider accountability. 00:05:44.959 --> 00:05:49.360 I think we don't want to say to the person, to anyone we care about, I think you're a bad person. 00:05:49.439 --> 00:05:56.480 We're terrified that if we say something that is about holding them accountable, they are gonna hear, I think you're a terrible person. 00:05:56.720 --> 00:06:00.879 I remember like kind of a tangent, but I was just, I was, I drove Luke to the airport. 00:06:00.959 --> 00:06:02.720 He's in Norway visiting his family right now. 00:06:02.879 --> 00:06:06.160 And we were listening to one of our favorite bands, which is Donna the Buffalo. 00:06:06.319 --> 00:06:14.480 And I had this memory of when we were babies, like we got together, we met on my 20th birthday, and by my 21st birthday, we lived together. 00:06:14.639 --> 00:06:20.399 Um, and we went, we were at a steak and shake in Altamont, Florida. 00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:26.800 And that tells me that it was in the first couple years of our relationship because I haven't had a steak and shake burger forever. 00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:43.279 Um, but we were at a drive-thru at a steak and shake, and there was, and it was raining to bring in your rain, and there's a Donna the Buffalo song about, I can't even remember it off the top of my head, but it's like, it's
about the rain, and it's about how when it rains, I think of you, and it's really, really sweet. 00:06:43.439 --> 00:06:47.279 And it came on, and I told Luke, I'm like, this song always makes me think of you. 00:06:47.439 --> 00:06:53.199 And he had never heard the lyrics, or he interpreted the lyrics as like, when I think of you, it rains. 00:06:53.680 --> 00:06:56.079 And he was so hurt in that moment. 00:06:56.240 --> 00:06:59.199 He was just like, How dare you? 00:06:59.519 --> 00:07:02.639 Like, why would you say something like that to me? 00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:04.480 And I was like, What are you talking about? 00:07:04.639 --> 00:07:07.759 This is the nicest song I can think of. 00:07:07.920 --> 00:07:09.040 I was trying to be sweet. 00:07:09.199 --> 00:07:12.480 And so, like, we're terrified of that moment of misunderstanding. 00:07:12.639 --> 00:07:14.639 And so instead, we keep quiet. 00:07:14.800 --> 00:07:19.920 And the the bitch of it is, and I'm gonna have to mark up on the thing that I swear on the podcast again. 00:07:20.079 --> 00:07:37.040 The bitch of it is that when we don't tell someone something, when it's nothing to say anything, when we right, we're afraid we're gonna hurt their feelings, so we don't say anything, and therefore we guarantee we're gonna hurt their feelings when we do tell them about it, because we're gonna say something when it's been three times. 00:07:37.199 --> 00:07:41.199 And then I'm saying to you at that point, you missed all the signals. 00:07:41.279 --> 00:07:44.079 And it's because I didn't tell you what the signals were, right? 00:07:44.160 --> 00:07:47.839 I let you, I I I failed to signal you. 00:07:48.079 --> 00:07:52.560 And so, of course, you failed to know that it was a problem because I didn't say anything. 00:07:52.800 --> 00:07:57.439 So I think I think that's why accountability fails most of the time. 00:07:57.600 --> 00:08:04.959 There's also a piece where some people don't want to be held accountable, and so they will gaslight the crap out of you when you hold them accountable, and that is a different episode. 00:08:05.199 --> 00:08:09.279 That's what I was thinking is it does take a level of safety for that to be true. 00:08:09.439 --> 00:08:09.759 Yes. 00:08:09.920 --> 00:08:15.120 Uh, but if you aren't feeling safe in a relationship, that is very much a whole nother thing. 00:08:15.439 --> 00:08:15.759 Yeah. 00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:18.079 And we'll touch on that in season three. 00:08:18.240 --> 00:08:38.320 There's that that comes up because not everybody is gonna respond well to being held accountable and how we how we handle when someone refuses accountability and communicates to us that they're not interested in a relationship where we get to stay whole, that's that gives us a choice, which is where the accountability sequence ends, right? 00:08:38.399 --> 00:08:43.200 Like the fifth step is this relationship is not gonna work anymore. 00:08:43.440 --> 00:08:50.879 We'll we'll
circle back to that because ending relationships is heavier than we're ready for, I think, at this point in our podcast. 00:08:51.200 --> 00:08:51.919 Totally. 00:08:52.240 --> 00:08:59.759 But when we are in a safe relationship that we really want to keep whole, um, that first step is really curiosity. 00:08:59.919 --> 00:09:03.919 And I love this because it's something really key to the organization I run, SARS. 00:09:04.559 --> 00:09:05.519 We talk about it. 00:09:05.679 --> 00:09:11.840 Um, so basically, what we do is we help students see that they're already amazing scientists and engineers. 00:09:12.000 --> 00:09:14.159 Uh, this isn't something that we're giving to them. 00:09:14.240 --> 00:09:20.000 Um, it's something they already have inherent in them because they are curious and they care about their world. 00:09:20.240 --> 00:09:31.039 And so it's really taking those things and making those connections to science, to engineering, um, so that they have a process that they can take their curiosity to. 00:09:31.360 --> 00:09:34.720 Uh and we also bring that internally. 00:09:34.799 --> 00:09:38.720 It's not just the students that we work with, it's also uh the staff. 00:09:39.039 --> 00:09:50.559 Because any time that instead of saying this person wronged me, instead saying, I'm really curious what happened there, can you talk to me about it? 00:09:50.879 --> 00:09:53.200 That is such a game changer. 00:09:53.360 --> 00:10:00.159 Um, and so it's an opportunity to ask questions and be interested before something is really on fire. 00:10:00.320 --> 00:10:02.720 It's a chance to say, I'm, you know, I'm curious about that. 00:10:02.879 --> 00:10:03.759 Can we talk about it? 00:10:03.919 --> 00:10:09.279 And that is such an easier entry point than why did you do this? 00:10:09.440 --> 00:10:10.240 That was wrong. 00:10:10.480 --> 00:10:13.039 Well, you don't actually have all the facts to be able to say that yet. 00:10:13.279 --> 00:10:13.600 Yeah. 00:10:13.759 --> 00:10:23.120 One of the things I learned in coaching actually is that what and how questions elicit a way more receptive response than why question. 00:10:23.360 --> 00:10:26.960 Why did you do this is always going to trigger a defensive response. 00:10:27.120 --> 00:10:29.200 Whereas I'm curious what you were thinking. 00:10:29.360 --> 00:10:31.120 I'm curious how you came to this conclusion. 00:10:31.279 --> 00:10:34.399 So I'm curious sets you up to use a what or how question. 00:10:34.480 --> 00:10:39.360 And it's why it's the first, it's the first step in the sequence because it's so necessary. 00:10:39.519 --> 00:10:47.200 If the very first time something happens, so going back to Luke and I in the car in the rain, it's taken shake when he misunderstood what I was saying. 00:10:47.440 --> 00:10:51.039 I didn't say, why, why do you think I would do that? 00:10:51.200 --> 00:10:52.559 Like I didn't escalate. 00:10:52.639 --> 00:10:54.240 Like my nature is to be curious. 00:10:54.320 --> 00:10:56.960 I'm like, what do you think the song means? 00:10:57.200 --> 00:10:59.279 Because I meant it as something really nice. 00:10:59.360 --> 00:11:01.759 Like, can I, you know, would it be okay? 00:11:02.080 --> 00:11:06.960 What can I can I share the actual lyrics with you and tell you what I was thinking? 00:11:07.200 --> 00:11:14.480 And then it dissipated rather than escalating and getting into a fight where we're trapped in a car because he misunderstood me. 00:11:14.559 --> 00:11:16.799 I just got curious about what happened. 00:11:17.039 --> 00:11:18.480 What happened genuinely? 00:11:18.639 --> 00:11:24.799 And so the accountability sequence isn't a random set set of tools that you can use out of order. 00:11:24.879 --> 00:11:25.600 It's a sequence. 00:11:25.679 --> 00:11:27.600 And curiosity has to come first. 00:11:27.840 --> 00:11:35.440 And it really ideally happens the moment there is any gap between what you expect and what happened. 00:11:35.840 --> 00:11:38.080 The first time, the tiniest gap. 00:11:38.240 --> 00:11:42.799 Because if you express your curiosity in that moment, there is no consequence to it. 00:11:42.960 --> 00:11:44.720 There, you're right, there's nobody's in trouble. 00:11:44.799 --> 00:11:46.559 It's like, hey, I noticed the thing. 00:11:46.799 --> 00:11:48.080 Let's talk about the thing. 00:11:48.159 --> 00:11:50.799 Because I was a little, you know, I'm interested. 00:11:50.960 --> 00:11:52.639 That's not what I expected. 00:11:52.879 --> 00:11:53.840 Walk me through it. 00:11:53.919 --> 00:11:57.279 Maybe what they're doing makes total sense and you are just missing a piece. 00:11:57.440 --> 00:11:58.480 Maybe it doesn't make sense. 00:11:58.559 --> 00:12:04.960 And at that point, it's very easy to guide them, be like, oh, that's I see where you're coming from, but actually, next time can we do it this way? 00:12:05.039 --> 00:12:05.919 And here's why. 00:12:06.240 --> 00:12:06.480 Yeah. 00:12:06.639 --> 00:12:11.759 And it you may realize actually, you did things just the way you should have in this scenario. 00:12:11.840 --> 00:12:13.039 And we don't need to change anything. 00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:16.480 It doesn't mean that you really even have to control that situation. 00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:24.320 It just might mean better communication is going to help you with that relationship and understand the situation. 00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:24.799 Right. 00:12:24.960 --> 00:12:27.200 And that's why it's curiosity, not question. 00:12:27.279 --> 00:12:29.519 It's not just ask them what happened. 00:12:29.679 --> 00:12:31.279 It's be genuinely interested. 00:12:31.440 --> 00:12:41.759 Like if you can bring genuine interest and curiosity into a situation where there's a gap between expectation and reality, there's no, there's no mustard. 00:12:41.840 --> 00:12:44.399 There's no, there's no damage to the relationship. 00:12:44.480 --> 00:12:45.360 It's fine. 00:12:45.519 --> 00:12:50.480 And
you're teaching the other person you're in a relationship with that they can come to you. 00:12:50.639 --> 00:12:54.879 If they're confused by what you do, asking questions is totally fine. 00:12:55.039 --> 00:13:02.159 And really, if you do curiosity well, most situations won't ever escalate to the second step in the sequence. 00:13:02.320 --> 00:13:10.480 And that's how the sequence is intended to be used is that if you do one step well, you won't get to the next one nearly as often. 00:13:10.559 --> 00:13:14.960 And if you do the next one well, the number of times you get to step three is practically none. 00:13:15.200 --> 00:13:15.840 That's great. 00:13:16.080 --> 00:13:20.159 It what it reminds me of is a more of a personal example. 00:13:20.399 --> 00:13:24.159 Um, so I'm, I have an amazing step kiddo. 00:13:24.559 --> 00:13:25.360 Love them very much. 00:13:25.679 --> 00:13:26.080 Shout out. 00:13:26.159 --> 00:13:27.360 I know that they listen. 00:13:27.600 --> 00:13:35.360 Uh and uh when we first kind of came together, um we had our very first Easter. 00:13:35.440 --> 00:13:41.279 And that's when I really realized just how different people's celebrations are. 00:13:41.360 --> 00:13:48.960 Uh, because my husband, well, uh boyfriend at the time, where uh and I were preparing for Easter, and you know, we were doing all the things. 00:13:49.120 --> 00:13:53.200 We thought we were on the same page, and then we get to the night before, and I'm like, oh, great. 00:13:53.279 --> 00:13:54.240 So did you get this and this? 00:13:54.320 --> 00:13:55.679 And he's like, no, what are you talking about? 00:13:55.840 --> 00:14:05.200 And I'm like, that is how you celebrate Easter, is you you come down and the Easter bunny has left you a basket of things that you're excited to open and candy, and it's just great. 00:14:05.360 --> 00:14:06.639 He's like, no, no, no. 00:14:06.960 --> 00:14:12.639 You come down and at some point things get hidden in the yard and you find them and you fight with people over them. 00:14:12.879 --> 00:14:16.960 He didn't say that, but I did learn that that's kind of part of the family tradition. 00:14:17.120 --> 00:14:22.559 Uh, and we realized we were on completely different pages and we thought we were on the same track and we just weren't. 00:14:22.799 --> 00:14:27.120 And we could have had an accountability conversation of why didn't you do this right? 00:14:27.200 --> 00:14:29.360 But it's not like there's a right here. 00:14:29.840 --> 00:14:35.519 Instead, it was let's actually just sit down and talk through what Easter was to us as kids. 00:14:36.639 --> 00:14:46.399 And by doing that, we were I f able to find the right hybrid uh and also kind of redefine it for what we wanted, wanted for um for my step kiddo. 00:14:46.639 --> 00:14:48.799 And so that was amazing. 00:14:48.879 --> 00:14:57.039 And it became very much ours because we had that pause and we had that moment of curiosity to really sit and say, oh, actually, we need to pull this apart a little bit more. 00:14:57.279 --> 00:14:57.440 Yeah. 00:14:57.600 --> 00:14:58.639 What does this mean to you? 00:14:58.799 --> 00:15:00.080 What does this mean to me? 00:15:00.240 --> 00:15:07.840 Let's lay it all out and look at what we have, like what a bounty we have that we bring different experiences to the table, right? 00:15:07.919 --> 00:15:09.759 Like that's exciting and interesting. 00:15:09.919 --> 00:15:13.919 And yeah, curiosity, and I love, you know, of course it's a huge part of your work. 00:15:14.080 --> 00:15:20.320 And I, but I love that you teach the kids that having curiosity makes you a scientist, makes you an engineer. 00:15:20.480 --> 00:15:25.759 Just that wondering how it works is where where where everything comes from. 00:15:25.840 --> 00:15:44.879 Like that is where the generative energy of the universe like exists, is in, is in figuring out what's underneath and being excited about discovery of what you don't know rather than assuming you do know and being upset by what somebody's doing that you don't understand. 00:15:45.039 --> 00:15:54.240 Because if you think you know the right way and they do something different, then they must know the right way and be intentionally choosing to be oppositional. 00:15:54.399 --> 00:15:55.440 And who would do that? 00:15:55.600 --> 00:15:57.200 Like a bad person would do that. 00:15:57.360 --> 00:16:03.519 So, like then you're like three steps down and it's all like the relationship is so damaged if you skip this step. 00:16:03.759 --> 00:16:05.919 But if the same thing happens again, right? 00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:10.639 Like, so next Easter comes around and the things you've agreed on don't happen, right? 00:16:10.720 --> 00:16:17.519 You've agreed we're gonna do a basket that you come down to, and next year he's like, No, I didn't buy baskets because baskets are stupid, right? 00:16:17.679 --> 00:16:18.639 Like I can totally agree. 00:16:20.320 --> 00:16:20.720 Absolutely. 00:16:21.440 --> 00:16:22.960 It sounds like someone you'd be married to. 00:16:23.200 --> 00:16:28.960 Or, or just like, no, I thought we decided I thought we decided we weren't gonna do baskets, and you're like, Oh, we did decide to do baskets. 00:16:29.120 --> 00:16:30.960 That's the moment for clarifying, right? 00:16:31.120 --> 00:16:32.159 So hang on. 00:16:32.559 --> 00:16:36.080 We had this conversation before, and somehow we're not on the same page. 00:16:36.240 --> 00:16:41.279 So I want to take this opportunity to make sure clearly that we're on the same page. 00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:48.559 Like, I thought the last conversation we had landed with us understanding each other, but evidently I was wrong. 00:16:48.879 --> 00:16:58.159 So, you know, I do want to understand how you got here, but I also want to make sure we leave this conversation with total clarity about what happens next time. 00:16:58.320 --> 00:17:03.679 So, because if this were to happen in the
future, that would constitute a trend. 00:17:03.840 --> 00:17:05.200 And that's not what we want. 00:17:05.359 --> 00:17:15.920 So, the really important part about the clarify step is that you start shadowing what the next conversation is, so that if you get to the next conversation, it's not a surprise. 00:17:16.079 --> 00:17:20.160 Because the biggest problem in accountability is ultimately when we surprise each other. 00:17:20.319 --> 00:17:26.000 And I didn't say that when we talked about it before, but I think I it was underneath what I was saying, right? 00:17:26.079 --> 00:17:35.039 Like when we say to you, hey, you missed all these signals, that's you know, and you are like, I didn't see any signals, then you're surprised. 00:17:35.200 --> 00:17:39.279 And the trust in the relationship has fractured because we didn't have clarity. 00:17:39.440 --> 00:17:46.160 So that's why clarify is the second step in the sequence, is because we want there to be no question that we're on the same page. 00:17:46.319 --> 00:17:58.079 And we want to say, if this continues, if we continue to not be on the same page, if our if we can't stay aligned, then that will constitute a problem in our relationship and we'll have to deal with that differently. 00:17:58.319 --> 00:17:59.759 I don't anticipate that. 00:17:59.920 --> 00:18:08.880 No reason we need to, but I want you to know if this doesn't change, you know, if if we keep having this problem, that will be the that will be a more serious conversation. 00:18:09.119 --> 00:18:15.279 Yeah, it makes me think about how that shifts things so that we can have a shared solution too. 00:18:15.440 --> 00:18:22.000 Because if you're really on the same team and you're wanting to work together, then they'll appreciate that clarity too. 00:18:22.319 --> 00:18:30.079 And thinking about the Easter example again, yeah, a year later, we might both not remember exactly what we agreed to. 00:18:30.319 --> 00:18:32.160 That actually makes total sense to me. 00:18:32.319 --> 00:18:48.160 But in year two, it might be the time to actually just kind of write something down or to have something shared so that we can remember it, or maybe we just recognize that it's going to be evolving over the first few before we really have something that we stick to each time. 00:18:48.400 --> 00:18:54.160 There's it, it doesn't mean the clarity is you did it wrong and I'm right. 00:18:54.480 --> 00:18:59.279 It is, okay, well, I feel like we had the conversation. 00:18:59.359 --> 00:19:01.279 It sounds like we need to revisit it. 00:19:01.599 --> 00:19:03.920 But this isn't a punishment, it's a clarity. 00:19:04.160 --> 00:19:04.319 Yeah. 00:19:04.480 --> 00:19:07.599 How do we agree we're gonna prevent this happening next time? 00:19:07.759 --> 00:19:12.000 So maybe that agreement is let's put in the calendar next year. 00:19:12.079 --> 00:19:13.200 When is Easter next year? 00:19:13.359 --> 00:19:18.000 Let's put a note in the calendar a month
beforehand to have a chat about what we're doing for Easter. 00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:19.599 So we don't have to remember it. 00:19:19.680 --> 00:19:27.359 Like we could write it down and make Easter rules, or we could just be like, hey, when it's three, three, four weeks before Easter, let's touch base and decide what we're doing. 00:19:27.440 --> 00:19:28.720 So we're on the same page. 00:19:28.960 --> 00:19:30.400 Yeah, absolutely. 00:19:30.720 --> 00:19:34.880 So it doesn't have to be again, neither of the first steps are about it being a big deal. 00:19:34.960 --> 00:19:38.960 The first two steps are about avoiding someone feeling like they're in trouble. 00:19:39.200 --> 00:19:51.039 Because as soon as somebody feels like they're in trouble or somebody else feels like they're getting someone else in trouble, the relationship is there's tension at the seams and the relationship is breaking down. 00:19:51.200 --> 00:19:55.440 Like that's erosion happening in a relationship if you feel like you're in trouble. 00:19:55.680 --> 00:20:01.599 Because you feel like you're in trouble because you made a mistake that you didn't, you did something wrong and you probably don't know what that was. 00:20:01.839 --> 00:20:09.119 The biggest thing about the accountability sequence is make sure people know right away when they make a mistake and what a mistake looks like. 00:20:09.279 --> 00:20:25.680 And if they make the same mistake again, like paint a picture, like draw a doodle, whatever you need to do to like make sure they understand that that mistake, if it keeps happening, is gonna create friction in the relationship that that could turn into a big deal. 00:20:25.920 --> 00:20:30.559 And then the the rest of the three steps are when things become a bigger deal. 00:20:30.640 --> 00:20:34.400 They're called course correction, crossroad, and then parting company. 00:20:34.559 --> 00:20:41.359 And they're in the book if you need them, or we'll we can talk about them in a Trust Physics Live if you're interested. 00:20:41.680 --> 00:20:44.960 And we'll touch on them in future conversations. 00:20:45.279 --> 00:20:55.599 But I feel like for the accountability sequence, the biggest thing everybody, I hope you walk away with or you carry away with after listening to this podcast is go ahead and tell somebody. 00:20:55.680 --> 00:20:59.759 If there's a problem, if there's even the tiniest problem, it's kind of like a princess and the pea thing. 00:20:59.920 --> 00:21:05.440 If you pee feel a pea under your mattress, if you don't know the princess and the pea story, do you know the princess and the pea story? 00:21:05.599 --> 00:21:06.640 I of course I do. 00:21:06.799 --> 00:21:07.119 Yes. 00:21:07.359 --> 00:21:09.279 No, Luke did not know this. 00:21:09.920 --> 00:21:11.039 I I know it. 00:21:11.119 --> 00:21:13.200 And I'll I'll tell you why after you explain it. 00:21:13.279 --> 00:21:16.240 Please go on and then I'll tell you my version of the story. 00:21:17.519 --> 00:21:18.240 No, no, no. 00:21:18.319 --> 00:21:19.279 I want to hear your version. 00:21:19.440 --> 00:21:19.759 Go. 00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:28.160 One time in college at my dorm, um, there were bunk beds in the uh dorm room next to me. 00:21:28.319 --> 00:21:29.680 And my my friend lived there. 00:21:29.839 --> 00:21:36.559 She was at the top bunk, but her roommate had put a blanket across so you couldn't see what was going on in the bottom bunk. 00:21:36.640 --> 00:21:40.160 She it just gave her a little more privacy, um, a little more darkness. 00:21:40.319 --> 00:21:46.640 But she had turned a lamp up to my friend's uh mattress on the top bunk. 00:21:46.960 --> 00:21:50.400 And the uh mattress started to slowly burn. 00:21:50.480 --> 00:21:53.920 And my friend was sleeping in the mattress and had no idea. 00:21:54.079 --> 00:22:02.720 And I was like, Oh, my friend, you really failed the princess and the P test that you did not know that you're Own mattress was on fire while you were sleeping in it. 00:22:02.880 --> 00:22:11.680 And then we got to watch firefighters pull the mattress down the stairs because there was no elevator and hack it with um axes. 00:22:11.920 --> 00:22:14.559 And it was quite the adventure. 00:22:14.880 --> 00:22:17.200 So that's my Princess and the P story. 00:22:18.079 --> 00:22:22.880 If your mattress is on fire and you don't realize you've failed the test. 00:22:23.039 --> 00:22:23.279 Yeah. 00:22:23.359 --> 00:22:23.519 Yeah. 00:22:23.839 --> 00:22:30.000 Your mattress is on fire and you you realize and you don't do anything about it, that's when you really hit crisis. 00:22:31.359 --> 00:22:33.839 So the Princess and the P is a is a fairy tale. 00:22:33.920 --> 00:22:34.720 It's very short. 00:22:34.880 --> 00:22:39.440 I looked it up because Luke had no, I kept referencing it, and Luke thought I was just making something up. 00:22:39.519 --> 00:22:40.960 I'm like, no, this is a real thing. 00:22:41.119 --> 00:22:50.240 Where a princess, there's a prince and he lives with his aunties or something, and they're trying to find him a princess to marry, because evidently that's what you do in fairy tales. 00:22:50.400 --> 00:22:56.319 And some girl comes along and needs a place to stay for the night randomly, and they're like, maybe she's a princess. 00:22:56.480 --> 00:22:57.359 Let's find out. 00:22:57.599 --> 00:23:06.400 And so they give her this giant stack of mattresses, like 30 mattresses tall, and they put a little tiny uncooked pee under the bottom mattress. 00:23:06.480 --> 00:23:10.640 And because a princess would be able to feel the little disruption. 00:23:10.720 --> 00:23:13.599 And they, you know, she climbs up on the stack of mattresses and goes to sleep. 00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:15.440 And they ask her in the morning, how did you sleep? 00:23:15.599 --> 00:23:16.720 And she's like, Oh, terribly. 00:23:16.799 --> 00:23:18.480 There was just a bump under my mattress. 00:23:18.559 -->
00:23:20.880 And they're like, Yeah, you're a princess, you can marry our prince. 00:23:21.119 --> 00:23:21.759 The end. 00:23:22.559 --> 00:23:25.759 Uh I am a very like fidgety sleeper. 00:23:26.000 --> 00:23:29.039 So everything has to be just so. 00:23:29.200 --> 00:23:32.079 So I am the princess in the princess in the P. 00:23:32.559 --> 00:23:41.119 In the trust physics version of this, she would have climbed down from all the mattresses and said, Excuse me, I'm really having trouble sleeping because there seems to be a lump under my mattress. 00:23:41.279 --> 00:23:42.960 Could we could you help me look at that? 00:23:43.119 --> 00:23:43.359 Right? 00:23:43.519 --> 00:23:48.240 Like, bring up the little complaint instead of just having a bad night's sleep over it. 00:23:48.400 --> 00:23:49.759 That makes a lot of sense. 00:23:50.240 --> 00:23:53.519 Confront your roommate about the fire they started in your mattress. 00:23:53.759 --> 00:23:53.920 Yes. 00:23:54.240 --> 00:23:56.319 And you sleep in it. 00:23:56.640 --> 00:23:59.759 Please, my mattress feels awfully warm. 00:24:00.720 --> 00:24:05.279 Is there anything going on down there when our brains aren't fully cooked yet? 00:24:05.519 --> 00:24:07.119 But we think they are. 00:24:08.000 --> 00:24:09.599 Good times, good times. 00:24:09.839 --> 00:24:24.480 Okay, so a new tradition we're gonna be starting for next season, but I'm gonna tease it this season, is I'm gonna give you a song that is something you can listen to between now and the next episode that's kind of on theme for the next episode. 00:24:24.559 --> 00:24:29.839 And we will start out season three with me explaining why I chose the song that I did. 00:24:30.079 --> 00:24:39.119 The song I want to leave you with for to preview season three is a Fiona Apple song from one of her more recent albums, which is phenomenal. 00:24:39.200 --> 00:24:41.680 And I recommend the whole thing enormously. 00:24:41.839 --> 00:24:44.480 But the song is called Fetch the Bolt Cutters. 00:24:44.799 --> 00:24:46.240 So I love that song. 00:24:46.880 --> 00:24:47.359 Yes. 00:24:48.319 --> 00:24:52.480 So what's what's not to love? 00:24:52.720 --> 00:25:05.279 So we will put a link to it in the podcast description where you can check out Fiona Apple's Fetch the Bolt Cutters, and we will talk in season three about how that relates to the new trust physics work that we're gonna be doing. 00:25:05.519 --> 00:25:06.160 Fantastic. 00:25:06.319 --> 00:25:10.640 Well, uh, thank you to everyone who listened and everyone who was involved. 00:25:10.880 --> 00:25:13.680 Hannah, thank you for including me on this fabulous journey. 00:25:13.920 --> 00:25:16.240 Thank you, Julie, for being on this incredible journey. 00:25:16.319 --> 00:25:18.480 We're definitely making it more incredible. 00:25:18.720 --> 00:25:29.599 And as always, we want to throw a huge shout out to our phenomenal producer, Anna Miller, who is not me dressed in a raincoat, but actually a different person with no H's in her name. 00:25:29.920 --> 00:25:31.200 It's true, Anna F. 00:25:31.279 --> 00:25:32.400 Miller here. 00:25:34.319 --> 00:25:34.960 She's real. 00:25:35.839 --> 00:25:39.039 And uh don't forget to remind them to subscribe to the channel. 00:25:39.279 --> 00:25:39.759 Oh, right. 00:25:39.839 --> 00:25:40.400 Oh, yeah. 00:25:40.720 --> 00:25:45.200 Please subscribe and listen on your favorite podcast app or find us on YouTube. 00:25:46.400 --> 00:25:47.119 Excellent. 00:25:47.359 --> 00:25:52.079 So thank you all for being here, and we are super excited to have you join us for season three. 00:25:52.240 --> 00:25:56.880 Until next time, listen to your intuition and let your conscience drive you.
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