Transkrip lengkap untuk The Things We Do... - Interview with Nicolette Pearse

like i'm like I'm not following 00:02:14.750 --> 00:02:16.530 a recipe. Yeah, you don't like following the 00:02:16.530 --> 00:02:19.009 colloquial. I'm like tasting things. I'm like, 00:02:19.030 --> 00:02:20.430 I think it needs this. What if you put some of 00:02:20.430 --> 00:02:22.750 that in there? And then I'm like going through 00:02:22.750 --> 00:02:24.430 the cupboards. I'm like, this might be crazy, 00:02:24.430 --> 00:02:25.909 but I'm going to put this ingredient in it and 00:02:25.909 --> 00:02:28.069 we'll see. And you're just like, this tastes 00:02:28.069 --> 00:02:32.069 good. How about this flour? You know how hard 00:02:32.069 --> 00:02:36.740 it is to make a roux? I disagree. I think it's 00:02:36.740 --> 00:02:39.159 actually very easy to make a roux. You think 00:02:39.159 --> 00:02:41.860 you can make a roux? It's flour and oil, right? 00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:46.879 I think it's flour, butter and oil. And then 00:02:46.879 --> 00:02:52.000 it thickens to sauces, gravies. Whoever thought 00:02:52.000 --> 00:02:54.180 of this. Okay, so let me go into the zeitgeist 00:02:54.180 --> 00:02:56.020 before I ask you a bunch of questions. Are we 00:02:56.020 --> 00:02:59.219 going back to the origin of food? I'm here for 00:02:59.219 --> 00:03:02.599 it. I'm the origin of food. Wait, sorry. The 00:03:02.599 --> 00:03:06.620 origin of food? Okay. Because someone had to 00:03:06.620 --> 00:03:09.939 be like, this is flavorful deliciousness. And 00:03:09.939 --> 00:03:12.120 someone had to kind of like look back and be 00:03:12.120 --> 00:03:16.919 like, okay, so this on an ethical point is to 00:03:16.919 --> 00:03:21.419 be consumed by people. So we're like, yeah. Let's 00:03:21.419 --> 00:03:24.419 think about what is good. Let's get high protein 00:03:24.419 --> 00:03:28.360 of fat, flour, which we're not sure that go together 00:03:28.360 --> 00:03:31.780 just yet because we have not scienced it. But 00:03:31.780 --> 00:03:34.500 we're like, you know what? Oil as well because 00:03:34.500 --> 00:03:38.960 two fats must equal a right. And therefore, we've 00:03:38.960 --> 00:03:42.500 created a roux. Can I just say, if anyone actually 00:03:42.500 --> 00:03:47.090 knows how to roux or make a roux? Can you give 00:03:47.090 --> 00:03:49.069 us the actual stats of whatever it is? Because 00:03:49.069 --> 00:03:53.050 I did not Google this. I would say that really 00:03:53.050 --> 00:03:55.169 it all comes down to the pursuit of pleasure. 00:03:55.389 --> 00:04:00.389 Yeah, right. And a thin, watery stew is not pleasurable. 00:04:00.770 --> 00:04:03.210 Right, okay. A thick stew where it like coats 00:04:03.210 --> 00:04:05.349 the inside of your mouth and you can chew it 00:04:05.349 --> 00:04:09.129 a bit more on the way down and like all the pieces 00:04:09.129 --> 00:04:12.750 kind of stick together because it's goopy. Then 00:04:12.750 --> 00:04:17.800 I think you get more. pleasure, and also... Fat, 00:04:17.839 --> 00:04:20.360

it like flavor is transported in fat, like fat 00:04:20.360 --> 00:04:22.339 coats your mouth. And so the flavor sticks on 00:04:22.339 --> 00:04:24.860 your tongue and then your tongue. This is me 00:04:24.860 --> 00:04:28.420 nerding out about cooking. So like if something 00:04:28.420 --> 00:04:30.680 is fatty, you're going to taste more of it because 00:04:30.680 --> 00:04:32.560 you don't just swallow it right away. It literally 00:04:32.560 --> 00:04:35.339 coats your mouth. And that's why we start off 00:04:35.339 --> 00:04:38.800 with fat with cooking often. Or you like like 00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:41.439 with your fat, you might put some herbs or oil 00:04:41.439 --> 00:04:43.300 or garlic in there to flavor the fat because 00:04:43.300 --> 00:04:45.420 it holds that flavor. Have you ever thought about 00:04:45.420 --> 00:04:47.850 like going and going? back in time going to King 00:04:47.850 --> 00:04:49.569 Henry VIII and being like, I want to be one of 00:04:49.569 --> 00:04:52.209 your wives just so that I can eat at the court 00:04:52.209 --> 00:04:54.009 of King Henry VIII and just enjoy. Oh, I thought 00:04:54.009 --> 00:04:55.209 you were going to be like, so I can cook. I'm 00:04:55.209 --> 00:04:56.689 like, I don't think his wife's cooked. I want 00:04:56.689 --> 00:04:58.589 to go back. My mind is like, I don't want to 00:04:58.589 --> 00:05:00.529 eat it. I want to cook it. I want to do the thing. 00:05:00.589 --> 00:05:02.410 Oh, you want to cook. Oh, okay. I thought you 00:05:02.410 --> 00:05:05.129 meant like, because I also know from a historical 00:05:05.129 --> 00:05:07.629 point of view, because I've been to Hampton Court 00:05:07.629 --> 00:05:13.670 and they didn't, you know, pie crust. weren't 00:05:13.670 --> 00:05:16.149 edible. Like they weren't designed. They were 00:05:16.149 --> 00:05:18.370 disgusting to eat. Oh, they were just the vehicle 00:05:18.370 --> 00:05:20.129 for the meat? Yeah, they were the vehicle for 00:05:20.129 --> 00:05:23.110 the stew and the meat. And so I think it was. 00:05:23.310 --> 00:05:26.089 They didn't have enough butter. They just didn't. 00:05:26.110 --> 00:05:27.750 God damn it. They were just like, you know what, 00:05:27.790 --> 00:05:30.670 this needs butter. And guys were using too much 00:05:30.670 --> 00:05:32.810 salt. And the French came along and were like, 00:05:32.889 --> 00:05:36.790 more butter. Do you know this is the real truth. 00:05:36.889 --> 00:05:39.009 The French are amazing at butter. I'm amazed. 00:05:39.089 --> 00:05:42.779 I know. Yeah. I know that. I'm just amazed they're 00:05:42.779 --> 00:05:44.879 not, like, morbidly obese from the amount of 00:05:44.879 --> 00:05:46.860 butter. It is extraordinary. Yeah, I know. They're, 00:05:46.860 --> 00:05:47.879 like, some of the healthiest people. Yeah, North 00:05:47.879 --> 00:05:50.980 America, we don't get it. We don't get it. No, 00:05:51.040 --> 00:05:53.439 we're just like, mm, mm, more butter? Mm, yeah, 00:05:53.540 --> 00:05:55.620 just, like, all of it butter. All of it sugar 00:05:55.620 --> 00:05:58.699 and butter. But hang on. Okay, so going back 00:05:58.699 --> 00:06:00.459 to you, going back to the importance of you. 00:06:01.360 --> 00:06:04.839 I love... So you're not even a... Toronto girl. 00:06:05.160 --> 00:06:09.759 You're a BC girl. Live in the heart. Live in 00:06:09.759 --> 00:06:15.339 the dream. I think there was a moment, and I 00:06:15.339 --> 00:06:16.819 thought about this carefully, I think I would 00:06:16.819 --> 00:06:20.019 identify as a Toronto girl now. Really? When 00:06:20.019 --> 00:06:22.579 did you disown your rights to the BC world? I 00:06:22.579 --> 00:06:24.560 kept thinking or assuming that I would go back, 00:06:24.600 --> 00:06:27.740 and I've also lived in LA. And for me, LA was 00:06:27.740 --> 00:06:32.240 like... It satisfied that West Coast itch. And 00:06:32.240 --> 00:06:34.120 I lived in Vancouver for a bit. I was like, maybe 00:06:34.120 --> 00:06:36.019 I do want to be closer to family. Maybe I want 00:06:36.019 --> 00:06:38.860 to be back here. Toronto kept calling me back. 00:06:39.220 --> 00:06:42.560 I work here. I have community here. And then 00:06:42.560 --> 00:06:48.199 COVID. I was living in L .A. COVID hit. And it 00:06:48.199 --> 00:06:51.620 was like, do I go back to L .A. when? Do I go 00:06:51.620 --> 00:06:54.439 to Toronto? Do I stay in Victoria where I was 00:06:54.439 --> 00:06:56.240 like hanging out when the world was shut down? 00:06:57.920 --> 00:07:00.339 The choice to go back to Toronto, like I booked 00:07:00.339 --> 00:07:03.519 something here, but then coming back after over 00:07:03.519 --> 00:07:06.639 a year away and reintegrating with the city and 00:07:06.639 --> 00:07:10.139 feeling like I was choosing it again, that's 00:07:10.139 --> 00:07:12.779 when I started feeling like a Toronto girly. 00:07:12.899 --> 00:07:16.439 Really? Yeah. And I do. It feels like home. You 00:07:16.439 --> 00:07:18.569 feel like you've connected. But I do miss the 00:07:18.569 --> 00:07:21.990 ocean terribly. Yeah, I know. Do you? I do. I 00:07:21.990 --> 00:07:25.389 will say Lake Ontario does not. It does not. 00:07:25.430 --> 00:07:27.089 It does not quite. You know when you just turn 00:07:27.089 --> 00:07:29.009 over rocks and there's crabs crawling around? 00:07:29.170 --> 00:07:31.670 Yeah. Like the water is moving all the time. 00:07:31.810 --> 00:07:34.129 Well, it's also like that smell of salt and like 00:07:34.129 --> 00:07:37.689 the sea. And I think that's also growing up on 00:07:37.689 --> 00:07:41.829 a like. So Australia is the only continent and 00:07:41.829 --> 00:07:44.899 island. That exists on the planet. Oh. So it's 00:07:44.899 --> 00:07:48.279 not just a country, it's a continent. Yeah. And 00:07:48.279 --> 00:07:51.300 it's so interesting to me because all the cities 00:07:51.300 --> 00:07:53.379 are coastal, which, you know, a lot of Canadians

00:07:53.379 --> 00:07:56.269 don't understand. We don't. You don't have an 00:07:56.269 --> 00:07:59.310 interior where people live? No. Most of Australia 00:07:59.310 --> 00:08:02.949 is a desert. You live in a very small portion 00:08:02.949 --> 00:08:06.529 of it. Yeah. And there's Perth. I do know that. 00:08:07.810 --> 00:08:11.389 Perth is its own strange time zone, and I love 00:08:11.389 --> 00:08:13.910 Perth with all my heart because I have friends 00:08:13.910 --> 00:08:15.790 who live there, but I will also diss it every 00:08:15.790 --> 00:08:18.670 single time because it is a weird place. It's 00:08:18.670 --> 00:08:20.149 three hours behind the rest of Australia, and 00:08:20.149 --> 00:08:22.110 it just chooses to be its own little entity. 00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:26.300 You know, growing up in Sydney where it was like 00:08:26.300 --> 00:08:30.180 the fact that I've moved to Toronto and you got 00:08:30.180 --> 00:08:33.059 this sort of like lake versus the beaches and 00:08:33.059 --> 00:08:36.580 the ocean, that is a weird thing because that 00:08:36.580 --> 00:08:38.840 is the one thing I actually miss, like the smell 00:08:38.840 --> 00:08:40.580 of going around the harbour and sort of smelling 00:08:40.580 --> 00:08:44.019 the sea air. But, you know, people go and ask 00:08:44.019 --> 00:08:45.019 me all the time, it's like, what do you miss 00:08:45.019 --> 00:08:47.059 about Australia? And I'm like... There's also 00:08:47.059 --> 00:08:49.179 like the seasons here are the right way around. 00:08:49.259 --> 00:08:51.320 Like Christmas was summer in Australia. Like, 00:08:51.320 --> 00:08:53.799 which is the right way around. I'm using air 00:08:53.799 --> 00:08:57.000 quotes right now. But sure, like capitalism is 00:08:57.000 --> 00:08:58.480 like, it's Christmas, Santa. And you're like, 00:08:58.559 --> 00:09:01.399 where's the sleigh? It's hot. Yeah, I know. But 00:09:01.399 --> 00:09:03.759 it was like 35 degrees and heat. Like, you know, 00:09:03.759 --> 00:09:06.379 so you would be out. So I would always be grateful 00:09:06.379 --> 00:09:10.240 for 35 degrees. I know you. You know, the funny 00:09:10.240 --> 00:09:13.100 thing is, though, like, you know, it's the grass 00:09:13.100 --> 00:09:15.929 is always greener. The grass is always greener 00:09:15.929 --> 00:09:17.090 when you look at it. Until your mental health 00:09:17.090 --> 00:09:21.570 is perfect. What is this? Like some sort of like, 00:09:21.629 --> 00:09:23.870 you know, euphoria moment where we need to have 00:09:23.870 --> 00:09:25.090 perfect mental health? I think we should all 00:09:25.090 --> 00:09:27.509 aspire to wanting to be exactly where we are. 00:09:27.590 --> 00:09:29.090 I don't think you can ask for anything more. 00:09:29.090 --> 00:09:30.850 Do you think if you had perfect mental health, 00:09:30.909 --> 00:09:33.110 you would just like ascend? You would just like 00:09:33.110 --> 00:09:34.809 become non -corporeal? But where would I

go? 00:09:35.090 --> 00:09:38.409 Oh no, I'm a Taurus. I love everything corporeal. 00:09:38.450 --> 00:09:41.149 That's a nightmare. You don't want to be some 00:09:41.149 --> 00:09:42.549 floating entity. I don't want to be just my spiritual 00:09:42.549 --> 00:09:47.070 being. I want earthly pleasures. I just love 00:09:47.070 --> 00:09:50.289 the idea that you reach mental health like capacity 00:09:50.289 --> 00:09:53.289 and suddenly you just burst into life and you 00:09:53.289 --> 00:09:55.289 float like in some sort of way. You like that 00:09:55.289 --> 00:09:57.870 idea. Well, I think it would just mean that everyone 00:09:57.870 --> 00:10:00.110 on earth is like never going to reach that because 00:10:00.110 --> 00:10:03.009 we only reach that after death, which is like 00:10:03.009 --> 00:10:06.169 the whole point of Kapoor. That is my idea of 00:10:06.169 --> 00:10:08.090 death, actually. That's my fantasy. And like 00:10:08.090 --> 00:10:11.409 growing up having believed in a religion and 00:10:11.409 --> 00:10:14.269 then been like, no, that's not it. Yeah. But 00:10:14.269 --> 00:10:18.200 I think. When I fantasize about that, whether 00:10:18.200 --> 00:10:22.580 the universe, God, a being, meaning, I think 00:10:22.580 --> 00:10:26.080 religion is beautiful and has purpose in people's 00:10:26.080 --> 00:10:31.659 lives. But what I really miss was this idea that 00:10:31.659 --> 00:10:34.620 after death, there will be certainty and we will 00:10:34.620 --> 00:10:37.500 all be on the same page. This is the truth. This 00:10:37.500 --> 00:10:40.279 is why we're here. This is the being that exists 00:10:40.279 --> 00:10:43.990 or not exists. This is... This person actually 00:10:43.990 --> 00:10:46.690 did lie to you that day. You're like, I told 00:10:46.690 --> 00:10:48.990 you. It's that. It's like the self -righteousness 00:10:48.990 --> 00:10:51.570 of like, where was I wrong? Where was I right? 00:10:51.730 --> 00:10:55.490 And now there's no discord. We all know truth. 00:10:56.190 --> 00:10:58.850 What a fantasy. Wouldn't that be great? To just 00:10:58.850 --> 00:11:01.070 all be on the same page. Yeah. To all agree. 00:11:01.669 --> 00:11:04.450 Yeah. Because you have like this superior consciousness. 00:11:05.500 --> 00:11:08.000 Are you talking about like a hive mind, like 00:11:08.000 --> 00:11:10.100 gestalt kind of thing where it's like we all 00:11:10.100 --> 00:11:12.600 share the same sort of like thought? Well, when 00:11:12.600 --> 00:11:16.019 I hear hive mind, I think like enclosed and subjected 00:11:16.019 --> 00:11:19.179 to like, I don't know, the mother bee or the 00:11:19.179 --> 00:11:21.940 queen bee or something. I mean, yeah. No, I mean, 00:11:21.940 --> 00:11:25.820 like, like letting go of the subjective consciousness 00:11:25.820 --> 00:11:29.480 of our own singular experience and tapping into 00:11:29.480 --> 00:11:32.360 maybe a larger consciousness where you. you see 00:11:32.360 --> 00:11:35.580 so much more. And so you're not trapped by your 00:11:35.580 --> 00:11:37.700 singular perspective. That would be great. Wouldn't 00:11:37.700 --> 00:11:39.700 that be amazing? That would be the best. I mean, 00:11:39.700 --> 00:11:41.299 like, you know, honestly, I can't wait till that 00:11:41.299 --> 00:11:44.860 day. It's probably many years away from me. Or 00:11:44.860 --> 00:11:49.200 maybe we just lose all consciousness and awareness. 00:11:49.620 --> 00:11:51.899 And we just cease to exist. There is a film out 00:11:51.899 --> 00:11:56.080 there. Really? Yes. Not that it does that to 00:11:56.080 --> 00:11:57.580 people who watch the film. It's not like The 00:11:57.580 --> 00:12:00.720 Ring. But there is a film that essentially, like, 00:12:00.919 --> 00:12:04.840 is a science fiction film and it says at the 00:12:04.840 --> 00:12:09.019 end of it like um it's based so begonia which 00:12:09.019 --> 00:12:13.519 is um yeah which is based on is it so the original 00:12:13.519 --> 00:12:15.919 film is a is i think it's a chinese film and 00:12:15.919 --> 00:12:18.340 it's basically like the ending is the same where 00:12:18.340 --> 00:12:21.399 it's like the aliens decide if you've not seen 00:12:21.399 --> 00:12:24.259 begonia like What are you doing? Yeah, what are 00:12:24.259 --> 00:12:27.100 you doing with your life? Like, everyone's got 00:12:27.100 --> 00:12:28.799 to be a fan of Yorgos Lanthimos at this point, 00:12:28.879 --> 00:12:31.580 whether all his work or not. Yeah, I love the 00:12:31.580 --> 00:12:34.360 favorite. It's great. Oh, that was my favorite 00:12:34.360 --> 00:12:37.539 before Begonia. It's still up there. I just think 00:12:37.539 --> 00:12:39.440 that Begonia challenges us differently. Well, 00:12:39.440 --> 00:12:41.100 it's so good. But, you know, like essentially 00:12:41.100 --> 00:12:43.940 this thing of like human extinction and it's 00:12:43.940 --> 00:12:45.120 sort of like being like, okay, now we're going 00:12:45.120 --> 00:12:46.779 to cleanse everything and, you know, start again. 00:12:46.860 --> 00:12:50.120 The experiment failed. And I do think that, you 00:12:50.120 --> 00:12:52.840 know, is such an interesting thing but i mean 00:12:52.840 --> 00:12:55.980 like you know it does make us think i mean like 00:12:55.980 --> 00:12:59.139 okay so going going well back though because 00:12:59.139 --> 00:13:02.519 okay acting okay acting acting because you know 00:13:02.519 --> 00:13:05.919 like that acting acting this is my reason for 00:13:05.919 --> 00:13:09.399 existence well is it i don't know i mean like 00:13:09.399 --> 00:13:11.259 yeah because you have so many things that you 00:13:11.259 --> 00:13:14.279 do and and and love to do which i mean like was 00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:18.159 Was there always a thing of like this performative 00:13:18.159 --> 00:13:21.279 child in you that kind of like needed to be like, 00:13:21.340 --> 00:13:24.960 was it that version of you to be felt

seen? I 00:13:24.960 --> 00:13:28.100 mean, I think it does actually come back to sort 00:13:28.100 --> 00:13:30.039 of what we're touching on, which is this desire 00:13:30.039 --> 00:13:35.139 for knowledge and experience and this deep frustration 00:13:35.139 --> 00:13:40.080 that all my choices limit me and I only have 00:13:40.080 --> 00:13:43.399 this one life to live. On top of that, my fascination 00:13:43.399 --> 00:13:46.500 with stories. I was just an avid reader and I 00:13:46.500 --> 00:13:50.399 loved fantasy and historical fiction and these 00:13:50.399 --> 00:13:56.159 worlds that I would deeply live in in my mind. 00:13:56.860 --> 00:14:00.759 And then when I saw, for instance, Lord of the 00:14:00.759 --> 00:14:03.200 Rings, the films came out and I was like, holy 00:14:03.200 --> 00:14:08.840 shit. Wait, hold on. I lived in that world in 00:14:08.840 --> 00:14:11.120 my brain in my book. And then someone got to 00:14:11.120 --> 00:14:15.019 like live in that world in, I don't know, New 00:14:15.019 --> 00:14:19.200 Zealand and do these things and say those lines 00:14:19.200 --> 00:14:21.100 and pretend like they had magic. Like, I think 00:14:21.100 --> 00:14:25.440 it was the idea that I could expand my experience. 00:14:27.000 --> 00:14:30.360 But yeah, the first time I was in a play, I think 00:14:30.360 --> 00:14:36.250 I was 12. What my takeaway from that was like 00:14:36.250 --> 00:14:38.629 I it was I was the artful Dodger and Oliver Twist 00:14:38.629 --> 00:14:42.230 and I wasn't the strongest singer, but and, you 00:14:42.230 --> 00:14:44.549 know, I didn't take dance classes, but I was 00:14:44.549 --> 00:14:47.250 having fun and I wasn't nervous and I didn't 00:14:47.250 --> 00:14:50.529 mind the attention. And there were kids around 00:14:50.529 --> 00:14:53.970 me who were like shy or really anxious about 00:14:53.970 --> 00:14:59.009 being on stage or it was like. I felt so comfortable 00:14:59.009 --> 00:15:02.789 and so present and embodied in that environment 00:15:02.789 --> 00:15:05.730 and like living out this imaginary story and 00:15:05.730 --> 00:15:09.210 having people observe me. And, and I think, yeah, 00:15:09.509 --> 00:15:12.490 there was also just that. Which I love, you know, 00:15:12.509 --> 00:15:15.429 like, I mean, do you, do you feel because, you 00:15:15.429 --> 00:15:19.000 know, we all remember our dark. times of our 00:15:19.000 --> 00:15:22.779 first place um do you do you sort of think of 00:15:22.779 --> 00:15:24.820 yourself okay so that wasn't actually my first 00:15:24.820 --> 00:15:26.659 play and my first play was joseph and the amazing 00:15:26.659 --> 00:15:28.600 technicolor dream coat and i was in the chorus 00:15:28.600 --> 00:15:30.899 and we all had colorful t -shirts and mine was 00:15:30.899 --> 00:15:33.330 very very big and bright How old were you at 00:15:33.330 --> 00:15:37.269 that time? I have no idea. Because I mean, like, 00:15:37.269 --> 00:15:39.289 you know,

the first conscious zeitgeist, I mean, 00:15:39.309 --> 00:15:41.769 did you sort of think, oh, okay, this is the 00:15:41.769 --> 00:15:43.909 dream. This is everything I wanted it to be. 00:15:44.090 --> 00:15:46.210 Or did it feel like, oh. No, it was just one 00:15:46.210 --> 00:15:47.789 of the things that I was obsessed with. I also 00:15:47.789 --> 00:15:51.169 played sports. I also liked to do well at school. 00:15:51.309 --> 00:15:56.110 I also, I don't know, there were, I did art. 00:15:56.370 --> 00:15:59.230 Like, I liked to do art. I think that I always 00:15:59.230 --> 00:16:02.669 had so many interests that it felt, really hard 00:16:02.669 --> 00:16:05.750 to pick one. And I also had this narrative that 00:16:05.750 --> 00:16:08.909 like I wasn't the best at anything because I 00:16:08.909 --> 00:16:12.470 was splitting my time and energy so much. And 00:16:12.470 --> 00:16:15.389 so there was a sense of competition like, oh, 00:16:15.389 --> 00:16:17.190 I'm never going to be like the best actor or 00:16:17.190 --> 00:16:20.149 the best in school or like the best athlete because 00:16:20.149 --> 00:16:22.929 I don't dedicate all everything to that thing 00:16:22.929 --> 00:16:25.570 the way that these other kids do, because why 00:16:25.570 --> 00:16:27.700 would I? put all my time into there if it means 00:16:27.700 --> 00:16:30.039 I don't get to do this other thing. Yeah. And 00:16:30.039 --> 00:16:31.919 so I felt like I was kind of splitting myself 00:16:31.919 --> 00:16:37.539 a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Which is a strange feeling, 00:16:37.580 --> 00:16:42.820 like, to be, like, you know, that, I guess, age 00:16:42.820 --> 00:16:45.500 range and be like, oh, okay, I'm doing a multitude 00:16:45.500 --> 00:16:49.440 of different things. Like kids start to identify 00:16:49.440 --> 00:16:51.620 the first thing that they're good at and their 00:16:51.620 --> 00:16:53.820 parents encourage that and teachers encourage 00:16:53.820 --> 00:16:57.149 that and then to, like, I don't know. Not everyone 00:16:57.149 --> 00:16:59.549 has that, though. Well, I think it's like, you 00:16:59.549 --> 00:17:02.429 know, it goes back to my, like, you know, childhood, 00:17:02.450 --> 00:17:05.529 which, you know, was really interesting because 00:17:05.529 --> 00:17:09.529 I think I was in grade nine and my mom saw me 00:17:09.529 --> 00:17:13.430 in a play. What play? So I can't remember the 00:17:13.430 --> 00:17:16.470 life of it. No, it wasn't. It was an Australian 00:17:16.470 --> 00:17:20.869 play. But the play was about this guy who went. 00:17:21.440 --> 00:17:24.299 To basically, he was sort of like forced to go 00:17:24.299 --> 00:17:27.140 to this prison to help with community. Oh, no, 00:17:27.200 --> 00:17:28.759 it was a mental institution. Sorry, you were 00:17:28.759 --> 00:17:30.900 nine years old? No, I wasn't nine. I was in grade 00:17:30.900 --> 00:17:33.559 nine. Oh, that's different. Yeah. Yeah, I was 00:17:33.559 --> 00:17:36.940 like, I was like, it's a bit older. Nine years 00:17:36.940 --> 00:17:40.480 old, I wouldn't recommend that. But no, I remember 00:17:40.480 --> 00:17:45.339 I was in like, you know, this sort of like this 00:17:45.339 --> 00:17:49.060 mental institution trying to teach people. About, 00:17:49.060 --> 00:17:51.160 like, being characters. And so the whole plot 00:17:51.160 --> 00:17:53.160 of the story was this guy putting on a play. 00:17:53.359 --> 00:17:56.839 And so I was the director in the play, like, 00:17:56.859 --> 00:17:59.180 playing this character. And I remember, like, 00:17:59.240 --> 00:18:00.960 my mom really liked one of the other actors. 00:18:01.099 --> 00:18:04.279 And I think it was, like, it was always sort 00:18:04.279 --> 00:18:07.099 of believing, you know, your parents aren't. 00:18:07.279 --> 00:18:09.220 Like, and I love my mom, don't get me wrong. 00:18:09.319 --> 00:18:11.700 But it's always believing that your parents aren't 00:18:11.700 --> 00:18:15.119 always the advice givers. you want to hear because 00:18:15.119 --> 00:18:16.619 they don't always give you the advice you want 00:18:16.619 --> 00:18:19.660 to hear because she was like she was very driven 00:18:19.660 --> 00:18:22.559 on the fact of like what's profitable and she 00:18:22.559 --> 00:18:26.900 was like acting is not profitable no and so she 00:18:26.900 --> 00:18:30.539 was always like oh okay how about you think about 00:18:30.539 --> 00:18:36.380 other things and I was like you know probably 00:18:36.380 --> 00:18:39.500 would have been about like maybe 15 and I was 00:18:39.500 --> 00:18:42.849 like I still get that like Oh, I booked the... 00:18:42.849 --> 00:18:45.289 Congrats, honey. Have you thought about, like, 00:18:45.369 --> 00:18:47.369 is there anything else that you'd want to do? 00:18:47.750 --> 00:18:51.289 Do you really get that still? I'd say in the 00:18:51.289 --> 00:18:54.130 last couple of years, not as much. But yeah, 00:18:54.230 --> 00:18:57.049 absolutely. Well, they're concerned. They don't 00:18:57.049 --> 00:18:59.269 know a lot about my day -to -day life. And to 00:18:59.269 --> 00:19:02.190 them, it just seems like a lot of space in between 00:19:02.190 --> 00:19:06.359 jobs. Which was it like... The weird thing of 00:19:06.359 --> 00:19:08.140 like, you know, because you said you lived in 00:19:08.140 --> 00:19:10.279 L .A. What was that experience like? Was that 00:19:10.279 --> 00:19:12.400 sort of like with your family? Oh, no, no, no. 00:19:13.819 --> 00:19:18.500 No, after high school, I moved. I went to Queens 00:19:18.500 --> 00:19:21.059 University in Kingston. And so I went away for 00:19:21.059 --> 00:19:23.480 school. Yeah, it looks like a castle. And I was 00:19:23.480 --> 00:19:25.700 like, adventure! It's time for my adventure to 00:19:25.700 --> 00:19:27.980 begin at the castle of Queens University. I'd 00:19:27.980 --> 00:19:29.880 never been there before. I think I like met someone

00:19:29.880 --> 00:19:32.960 who had done the theater program there, which 00:19:32.960 --> 00:19:35.299 isn't like a conservatory program. I just got 00:19:35.299 --> 00:19:39.460 a Bachelor of Arts. You're just like... But, 00:19:39.900 --> 00:19:45.460 oh yeah, I haven't gone back and like my family, 00:19:45.599 --> 00:19:49.880 my parents don't have a strong, like they weren't 00:19:49.880 --> 00:19:53.200 trying to steer me any direction. It was very 00:19:53.200 --> 00:19:57.000 much like we can, I support you if that's what 00:19:57.000 --> 00:19:59.000 you want to do. And by support, I mean like emotional 00:19:59.000 --> 00:20:01.339 support because I don't know if I've told you 00:20:01.339 --> 00:20:03.039 this, but I have a huge family. I'm one of nine 00:20:03.039 --> 00:20:07.319 kids. One of nine? I'm the second oldest. Wow, 00:20:07.599 --> 00:20:10.460 your parents got busy. They've been busy. They're 00:20:10.460 --> 00:20:13.480 still busy. Everyone's busy. Are they still pumping 00:20:13.480 --> 00:20:17.319 out kids at this point? No. No, no, no. The youngest 00:20:17.319 --> 00:20:22.500 is, oh, I think he's 16. But I feel like I'm 00:20:22.500 --> 00:20:25.160 going to get this wrong. You're going to hear 00:20:25.160 --> 00:20:28.000 it later. He's like around 16. That feels right. 00:20:29.880 --> 00:20:32.440 Yeah. So he was born after I'd already moved 00:20:32.440 --> 00:20:34.059 out, but I was the first one to move out. And 00:20:34.059 --> 00:20:37.579 it was sort of like they, you know, they encouraged 00:20:37.579 --> 00:20:40.039 me to to figure it out and do what I want to 00:20:40.039 --> 00:20:43.339 do. But they didn't have like a they didn't have 00:20:43.339 --> 00:20:47.779 a strong perspective on it. And I just wanted 00:20:47.779 --> 00:20:52.940 an adventure. I went on an adventure. I mean, 00:20:52.940 --> 00:20:56.000 were you the only one in your family to sort 00:20:56.000 --> 00:21:01.900 of pursue the arts? Yeah, my younger sister did 00:21:01.900 --> 00:21:04.160 study journalism, actually. Oh, wow. She writes 00:21:04.160 --> 00:21:07.730 like beautiful little pieces of poetry. Right 00:21:07.730 --> 00:21:09.630 now she runs a landscaping crew. She's never 00:21:09.630 --> 00:21:12.329 worked in the arts. That's insane. I'm the only 00:21:12.329 --> 00:21:14.549 one who's worked in the arts or done anything 00:21:14.549 --> 00:21:17.170 like that. So you're kind of like, not in a negative 00:21:17.170 --> 00:21:19.769 way, but you're a bit of the black sheep. Oh, 00:21:19.809 --> 00:21:22.630 totally, 100%. And I was also like the first 00:21:22.630 --> 00:21:27.549 one to leave the family fold and live differently. 00:21:29.740 --> 00:21:32.700 And all of that. And so I think that I don't 00:21:32.700 --> 00:21:34.980 know what it's like from their perspective. From 00:21:34.980 --> 00:21:37.140 my perspective, it just felt like a lot of I 00:21:37.140 --> 00:21:40.759 don't know what I'm doing. From their perspective, 00:21:40.819 --> 00:21:43.240 it was probably like, oh, Nicolette, what is 00:21:43.240 --> 00:21:46.359 she doing now? That's crazy. Wait, but actually, 00:21:46.400 --> 00:21:48.920 if Nicolette did that, then maybe I could, too. 00:21:49.180 --> 00:21:51.799 Like that idea of, oh, Nicolette did these things. 00:21:51.839 --> 00:21:53.440 So maybe that's an option. That's a different 00:21:53.440 --> 00:21:56.680 way of living. And that's what I didn't have, 00:21:56.779 --> 00:21:58.900 I think, would be the difference, if that makes 00:21:58.900 --> 00:22:02.000 sense. Which does make sense. And it's sort of 00:22:02.000 --> 00:22:03.960 interesting because, you know, the perspective 00:22:03.960 --> 00:22:09.200 of, like, I'm the youngest. You are. You're the 00:22:09.200 --> 00:22:12.759 baby. I'm the baby. But, you know, like, it's 00:22:12.759 --> 00:22:15.579 sort of not too dissimilar. Like, I'm the only 00:22:15.579 --> 00:22:18.500 one who pursued the arts. And I think... You're 00:22:18.500 --> 00:22:20.819 the youngest of two. Yeah. So it's like, you 00:22:20.819 --> 00:22:23.220 know, my brother... We're kind of in a similar 00:22:23.220 --> 00:22:24.940 position, actually, because you weren't the oldest. 00:22:25.039 --> 00:22:28.240 I think the oldest is always hard. I think that's 00:22:28.240 --> 00:22:30.359 a burden. Well, I think it's like, because you 00:22:30.359 --> 00:22:33.000 get the brunt of being the first child. Yeah, 00:22:33.099 --> 00:22:35.460 it's a lot of responsibility. It's a recipe for 00:22:35.460 --> 00:22:39.000 anxiety. It's a pattern that I've noticed. It 00:22:39.000 --> 00:22:41.500 so is. I love my brother, but, you know, the 00:22:41.500 --> 00:22:42.980 constant anxiety. He's probably going to listen 00:22:42.980 --> 00:22:44.140 to this later and be like, what do you mean? 00:22:44.299 --> 00:22:45.319 I'm like, no, you're an anxious... He's like, 00:22:45.380 --> 00:22:47.180 you don't know, that's the problem. You don't 00:22:47.180 --> 00:22:50.980 know, you're an anxious fuck. But I think, like, 00:22:51.099 --> 00:22:56.150 you know, I've got a beautiful, like, family 00:22:56.150 --> 00:22:58.450 in that way. And it's sort of interesting because 00:22:58.450 --> 00:23:00.529 my brother did not pursue, he's an anthropologist. 00:23:00.869 --> 00:23:04.130 So he was a very academically driven person. 00:23:04.230 --> 00:23:08.009 And I think, like, my dad obviously was a photographer. 00:23:08.490 --> 00:23:12.569 So that was the only arts that I knew. My mom 00:23:12.569 --> 00:23:14.829 was a journalist. She worked in marketing at 00:23:14.829 --> 00:23:17.730 the University of Sydney. She was very sort of 00:23:17.730 --> 00:23:20.210 driven by, like. It's very art adjacent. Art 00:23:20.210 --> 00:23:24.200 adjacent, but, like, She was very mono -academically 00:23:24.200 --> 00:23:27.839 driven and very like she loved books. She loved 00:23:27.839 -->

00:23:29.759 stories. She loved Agatha Christie and like all 00:23:29.759 --> 00:23:32.539 those things. And so I think it's really interesting 00:23:32.539 --> 00:23:36.359 in regards to being like now as, you know, like 00:23:36.359 --> 00:23:42.059 as the age that I am at 34, it does sort of feel. 00:23:42.870 --> 00:23:45.289 Like, oh, you know, you are still the young kid. 00:23:45.349 --> 00:23:47.009 Like, you know, whenever I talk to my mom, I 00:23:47.009 --> 00:23:48.630 still feel like, you know, I am the youngest, 00:23:48.789 --> 00:23:51.190 you know, the way, you know, not that I have 00:23:51.190 --> 00:23:53.670 any sort of like dissatisfaction with that, but 00:23:53.670 --> 00:23:55.250 it is sort of like I was the pocket. You're like, 00:23:55.250 --> 00:23:57.630 I'm so happy. You're lucky. Yeah, I know. But 00:23:57.630 --> 00:23:59.769 I was like the pocket rocket. So, you know, like, 00:23:59.829 --> 00:24:03.029 and I think pursuing the arts, you know, there's 00:24:03.029 --> 00:24:05.349 a lot of love. Like I have so much, you know, 00:24:05.369 --> 00:24:06.670 I've said this to you before, but, you know, 00:24:06.690 --> 00:24:09.650 I have so much love for the arts. And it is not 00:24:09.650 --> 00:24:16.789 the most. profitable, if not sort of really like, 00:24:16.849 --> 00:24:22.089 you know, widely respected, which is a weird 00:24:22.089 --> 00:24:24.210 thing. It's complicated to talk about. Yeah. 00:24:24.230 --> 00:24:27.349 And you have to field a lot, especially when 00:24:27.349 --> 00:24:28.589 you're starting out, you're trying to figure 00:24:28.589 --> 00:24:31.430 it out. What you're constantly fielding are these 00:24:31.430 --> 00:24:33.349 questions of like, but what do you really do? 00:24:33.430 --> 00:24:35.990 Oh, really? And what's that like? And you don't 00:24:35.990 --> 00:24:39.069 even know the industry yet. Like no one, very 00:24:39.069 --> 00:24:41.420 few people. just start making a living right 00:24:41.420 --> 00:24:43.400 off the bat. And so you're dealing with this 00:24:43.400 --> 00:24:45.759 imposter syndrome on top of trying to figure 00:24:45.759 --> 00:24:47.839 it out, on top of trying to make a living in 00:24:47.839 --> 00:24:51.799 a new city, whatever. It's a lot. Yeah. I mean, 00:24:51.799 --> 00:24:54.200 did you, because I had this feeling, but did 00:24:54.200 --> 00:24:56.319 you freak out when someone gave you your first 00:24:56.319 --> 00:24:59.359 paycheck for like, you know, acting? And then 00:24:59.359 --> 00:25:02.619 you were like, what the fuck? Oh my God. Yeah. 00:25:02.660 --> 00:25:06.259 You know what? I was actually, I was reflecting 00:25:06.259 --> 00:25:08.240 on this last night because my partner was like, 00:25:08.539 --> 00:25:11.660 how did you end up in Toronto? And I was like, 00:25:11.779 --> 00:25:17.319 oh, well, as I was graduating, I wasn't a play, 00:25:17.400 --> 00:25:19.259 like in university, I wasn't sure I was going 00:25:19.259 --> 00:25:21.220 to apply for law school or graduate school. I 00:25:21.220 --> 00:25:24.359 really, I liked academia, but I was sort of like 00:25:24.359 --> 00:25:27.259 ready to be out of the institution. It just felt, 00:25:27.299 --> 00:25:29.460 I'm like, why do I need good grades? Why does 00:25:29.460 --> 00:25:31.440 it matter? Who am I trying to please? Like, what 00:25:31.440 --> 00:25:35.170 am I doing for myself? I was in a play in my 00:25:35.170 --> 00:25:37.710 last year, which was like the first time that 00:25:37.710 --> 00:25:41.809 I was the lead. And it was As You Like It. I 00:25:41.809 --> 00:25:43.990 played Rosalind. I feel like I'm maybe saying 00:25:43.990 --> 00:25:45.509 her name wrong. And now I feel like. It's Rosalind. 00:25:45.549 --> 00:25:49.609 Oh, my God. Thank you. So much fun. Yeah. And 00:25:49.609 --> 00:25:53.250 and then someone who was doing my friend Ryan 00:25:53.250 --> 00:25:55.930 LaPlante was working, was directing something 00:25:55.930 --> 00:25:57.990 for theater by the Bay and Barry. Yeah. And he 00:25:57.990 --> 00:26:00.269 saw the play, offered me my first acting job. 00:26:00.450 --> 00:26:03.069 Oh, wow. And I was like. Oh, my God, I've made 00:26:03.069 --> 00:26:07.490 it. This is like a sign from the universe. And 00:26:07.490 --> 00:26:10.630 it was like we did Midsummer Night's Dream and 00:26:10.630 --> 00:26:12.309 went around to high schools and did like a cute 00:26:12.309 --> 00:26:15.630 version of that play. But that like and I actually 00:26:15.630 --> 00:26:18.410 do remember him giving me my first paycheck. 00:26:18.950 --> 00:26:20.589 And then as a joke, he was like, don't forget 00:26:20.589 --> 00:26:22.490 to sign the back and hand it back to me. Wow. 00:26:22.569 --> 00:26:25.490 And I started signing the back. Like, OK, I knew 00:26:25.490 --> 00:26:28.269 how checks work in theory, but also and everyone 00:26:28.269 --> 00:26:30.230 was like laughing at me. And I was like, wait, 00:26:30.309 --> 00:26:32.799 what? And he's like, I didn't actually mean that. 00:26:33.019 --> 00:26:35.740 Like, you got to keep that money. It was just 00:26:35.740 --> 00:26:39.740 like this weird moment of feeling, I don't know, 00:26:39.759 --> 00:26:42.180 like an idiot and like an utter imposter, like 00:26:42.180 --> 00:26:44.319 a child out there in the real world and like 00:26:44.319 --> 00:26:46.539 playing with pretend money to do something that 00:26:46.539 --> 00:26:51.720 was just fun. That is so true as well. And it's 00:26:51.720 --> 00:26:56.539 sort of like, I remember the first time, like 00:26:56.539 --> 00:27:01.769 my first paid gig. Which was, you know, like 00:27:01.769 --> 00:27:04.130 I remember. It was like a play, a commercial. 00:27:04.369 --> 00:27:08.230 No, no. The first commercial paycheck. I wish. 00:27:08.970 --> 00:27:11.230 That's incentivizing. I remember I was working 00:27:11.230 --> 00:27:14.049 for a TV station, which, you know, like

I. So 00:27:14.049 --> 00:27:17.369 the way my transition happened was I did. I was 00:27:17.369 --> 00:27:19.230 doing a film course. So I was an usher for three 00:27:19.230 --> 00:27:23.349 years. And so it was an add on. So the University 00:27:23.349 --> 00:27:25.819 of Sydney had like an. a theater they're connected 00:27:25.819 --> 00:27:28.700 to called the Seymour Center. And I applied when 00:27:28.700 --> 00:27:30.859 I was 18 to like, so I worked there until I was 00:27:30.859 --> 00:27:34.480 21. And I remember I started doing in North Sydney, 00:27:34.619 --> 00:27:38.859 there was a tertiary education course at TAFE. 00:27:39.279 --> 00:27:41.380 And I remember I was like, I'm going to apply 00:27:41.380 --> 00:27:44.019 for film and TV. And I applied. And then one 00:27:44.019 --> 00:27:45.839 of the teachers recommended me to the local TV 00:27:45.839 --> 00:27:49.420 station, which was like, it was Channel 9. And 00:27:49.420 --> 00:27:51.180 it's like a massive, it was like the oldest. 00:27:51.549 --> 00:27:53.529 Bless teachers. A supportive teacher won't change 00:27:53.529 --> 00:27:56.329 your life. It's so good. You just need one. Yeah. 00:27:57.029 --> 00:27:59.910 You just need one. She was amazing as well. And 00:27:59.910 --> 00:28:01.930 I remember they offered me an internship, which 00:28:01.930 --> 00:28:03.990 was paid, by the way. So it was a paid year -long 00:28:03.990 --> 00:28:06.849 internship. And I remember the first time I rocked 00:28:06.849 --> 00:28:09.150 up, I was thinking, oh, my God, I've really made 00:28:09.150 --> 00:28:12.289 it. This is in the real world. But I was also 00:28:12.289 --> 00:28:15.809 like, oh, no, I won't get paid for this. I remember 00:28:15.809 --> 00:28:17.869 I saw my first paycheck and I was like, it's 00:28:17.869 --> 00:28:20.880 real money. This is the thing. This is like, 00:28:21.000 --> 00:28:22.960 and it was the same when I got my first like 00:28:22.960 --> 00:28:26.660 photography gig. Like I remember I was paid, 00:28:26.779 --> 00:28:29.299 like someone asked me to do headshots. I was 00:28:29.299 --> 00:28:31.220 not good, by the way. These were not good headshots. 00:28:31.380 --> 00:28:34.259 That's okay. They sucked. But I remember like 00:28:34.259 --> 00:28:36.480 - Don't be hard on yourself. Thank you. I've 00:28:36.480 --> 00:28:39.180 gone a long way. But they were like, paid me 00:28:39.180 --> 00:28:40.880 like a hundred bucks. It was like a family friend. 00:28:41.039 --> 00:28:44.950 And I was like, I was like. Why? Like my first 00:28:44.950 --> 00:28:46.809 thought was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, 00:28:46.809 --> 00:28:49.710 no, don't, don't, don't. Oh, that of like, I 00:28:49.710 --> 00:28:51.630 don't deserve to be paid. I'm not good enough 00:28:51.630 --> 00:28:54.009 yet. Yeah. When you're talking about art, like 00:28:54.009 --> 00:28:55.769 it's completely subjective. Well, headshots. 00:28:56.009 --> 00:28:59.609 Well, I mean, like also headshots are astronomically 00:28:59.609 --> 00:29:04.430 expensive. Yes, that's true. But, you know, like 00:29:04.430 --> 00:29:11.339 the echelon of what we like expect. was just 00:29:11.339 --> 00:29:13.319 astronomical to me. You know, it's like that 00:29:13.319 --> 00:29:15.880 whole of like, oh, you know, someone wants to 00:29:15.880 --> 00:29:20.119 pay you to, you know. But it's kind of sweet 00:29:20.119 --> 00:29:23.660 and romantic, is it not? Because as you start 00:29:23.660 --> 00:29:26.720 working more and expecting more, like someone 00:29:26.720 --> 00:29:28.160 offers me a job and it's like you're getting 00:29:28.160 --> 00:29:30.599 paid scale. Hey, scale's good. I'm in the union. 00:29:30.839 --> 00:29:35.000 But I'm like, hmm, really? Haven't I been paid 00:29:35.000 --> 00:29:37.119 more than scale before? It's like you start and 00:29:37.119 --> 00:29:39.119 then like your agents talk to you away and you're 00:29:39.119 --> 00:29:41.500 or like you've set a new rate for your headshots 00:29:41.500 --> 00:29:44.299 maybe. And that is the expectation. And yeah, 00:29:44.359 --> 00:29:47.900 and it kind of it becomes I think at the very 00:29:47.900 --> 00:29:50.640 beginning, the fact that you're getting paid 00:29:50.640 --> 00:29:53.640 feels like a bonus. And that is so joyful. And 00:29:53.640 --> 00:29:55.579 you're like, you're giving me permission to do 00:29:55.579 --> 00:30:01.180 my art. And gradually it just becomes a mark 00:30:01.180 --> 00:30:05.079 of your worth. Yeah. Or your status in the industry, 00:30:05.200 --> 00:30:08.900 because that is how we determine who has the 00:30:08.900 --> 00:30:11.440 most status and who deserves the most or whatever. 00:30:12.019 --> 00:30:13.779 Well, I think that I think that's true. And I 00:30:13.779 --> 00:30:17.480 mean, like, do you do you feel in that saying 00:30:17.480 --> 00:30:21.019 of like, oh, OK, scale, because because it's 00:30:21.019 --> 00:30:24.299 interesting when you sort of go, oh, OK, I've 00:30:24.299 --> 00:30:26.180 been paid this much or, you know, like I've been 00:30:26.180 --> 00:30:30.539 like set a margin or set an expectation. And 00:30:30.539 --> 00:30:33.119 I mean, like, you know, it. It's sort of like 00:30:33.119 --> 00:30:37.839 every time you add skill to your repertoire, 00:30:37.880 --> 00:30:40.720 to your CV. Do you know this? So I learned something 00:30:40.720 --> 00:30:43.859 really recently, which I think is a great trifecta. 00:30:44.119 --> 00:30:46.200 So I was listening to a podcast recently and 00:30:46.200 --> 00:30:48.599 the guy said on it, there has to be three things 00:30:48.599 --> 00:30:52.480 in order to consider. And at least two of those 00:30:52.480 --> 00:30:54.980 things should be worth considering for. He said, 00:30:55.079 --> 00:30:58.119 if it's one of those things, think about it. 00:30:58.180 --> 00:31:00.710 But if it's two of those things. definitely consider 00:31:00.710 -->

00:31:02.769 it. And then if three or three things, bang on, 00:31:02.809 --> 00:31:05.009 that's fantastic. But he said, the first thing, 00:31:05.009 --> 00:31:07.890 it has to be good for the bank account. He said, 00:31:07.930 --> 00:31:11.670 it has to be good for the CV. And is it good 00:31:11.670 --> 00:31:14.430 for the soul? And he says, if it has to be two 00:31:14.430 --> 00:31:16.089 of those things where it's good for the CV and 00:31:16.089 --> 00:31:17.809 the soul, he's like, absolutely, I'll still do 00:31:17.809 --> 00:31:21.309 it. Because otherwise, if it's always good, you 00:31:21.309 --> 00:31:23.549 know, and I know you know that, and I know, you 00:31:23.549 --> 00:31:25.369 know, we sort of like talk about the sliding 00:31:25.369 --> 00:31:29.839 scale. But it is interesting because, You know, 00:31:29.880 --> 00:31:34.440 we see billion dollar movie franchises and stuff 00:31:34.440 --> 00:31:36.119 like that, which, you know, we all admire. And, 00:31:36.119 --> 00:31:39.400 you know, some people go, I hope to achieve that. 00:31:39.539 --> 00:31:42.579 But it is kind of interesting because, you know, 00:31:42.599 --> 00:31:44.980 you see a lot of those artists and a lot of those 00:31:44.980 --> 00:31:47.160 people like it really enjoy the independent stuff 00:31:47.160 --> 00:31:49.480 as well. And they kind of go, yeah, I want to 00:31:49.480 --> 00:31:53.259 work for like or I want to sacrifice my salary 00:31:53.259 --> 00:31:56.059 to help that film get off the ground. And we 00:31:56.059 --> 00:31:59.670 depend. Yeah. Those artists. And there is I mean, 00:31:59.670 --> 00:32:03.569 I know this from talking to friends who have 00:32:03.569 --> 00:32:06.210 made it into like the Marvel franchise. Yeah. 00:32:06.410 --> 00:32:09.569 And they're like. I mean, we should all be so 00:32:09.569 --> 00:32:12.930 lucky. And yes, I assume they pay well, but they 00:32:12.930 --> 00:32:15.890 were like it was not a great experience on set 00:32:15.890 --> 00:32:20.130 because they have a huge budget. You're often 00:32:20.130 --> 00:32:23.190 just waiting around your your character or your 00:32:23.190 --> 00:32:26.490 role. maybe doesn't involve a lot of actual lines 00:32:26.490 --> 00:32:29.190 or participation or creativity um you're just 00:32:29.190 --> 00:32:32.569 like part of this bigger world and and it takes 00:32:32.569 --> 00:32:35.950 you out of the running from auditioning or participating 00:32:35.950 --> 00:32:39.410 in other projects yeah and i think that you know 00:32:39.410 --> 00:32:43.109 what a lot of artists maybe don't even get the 00:32:43.109 --> 00:32:45.849 chance to consider is this option where it's 00:32:45.849 --> 00:32:47.970 only good for the bank account but maybe it's 00:32:47.970 --> 00:32:50.269 not good for your cv and not good for your soul 00:32:50.269 --> 00:32:53.599 or maybe it's like OK, if I put this on my CV, 00:32:53.779 --> 00:32:56.559 I might get pigeonholed in this world. You know, 00:32:56.579 --> 00:33:00.839 there are some some sort of projects that once 00:33:00.839 --> 00:33:02.920 you start doing them a lot and they're on your 00:33:02.920 --> 00:33:04.900 resume, that's how people will start to perceive 00:33:04.900 --> 00:33:08.640 you. And does that align with your goals? Yeah. 00:33:08.859 --> 00:33:11.019 With how you want to be perceived by casting, 00:33:11.200 --> 00:33:17.779 by producers. It's but you're it's very fortunate 00:33:17.779 --> 00:33:20.579 to get to the point where you're. thinking about 00:33:20.579 --> 00:33:23.059 all of that. A hundred percent, you know, and 00:33:23.059 --> 00:33:26.960 then you have people like, I mean, yeah, I would 00:33:26.960 --> 00:33:29.519 do shit for free if I can make a living and I 00:33:29.519 --> 00:33:31.500 would could just like, like do the roles that 00:33:31.500 --> 00:33:33.940 I love for free all the time and just had enough 00:33:33.940 --> 00:33:37.240 money to live. Like, of course it's, it's my 00:33:37.240 --> 00:33:39.380 favorite thing in the whole fucking world is 00:33:39.380 --> 00:33:41.279 like being on set and collaborating with other 00:33:41.279 --> 00:33:44.559 storytellers and participating in making the 00:33:44.559 --> 00:33:49.779 story come to life. Yeah. Um, but. Then I have 00:33:49.779 --> 00:33:52.019 like my agent, my manager, you have people in 00:33:52.019 --> 00:33:54.380 your ear who have opinions and perspectives and 00:33:54.380 --> 00:33:57.220 maybe have like the idea of the long term goal 00:33:57.220 --> 00:34:02.039 or trajectory. And it's it becomes more complicated. 00:34:02.579 --> 00:34:05.099 I absolutely agree with that. And I think there's 00:34:05.099 --> 00:34:12.400 there's, you know, the sort of discussion of 00:34:12.400 --> 00:34:15.820 like, you know, the you know, keeping you in 00:34:15.820 --> 00:34:17.909 line or keeping you in check. which is to be 00:34:17.909 --> 00:34:19.730 like, oh, okay, you know, like when you want 00:34:19.730 --> 00:34:21.510 to do everything, you can't do everything. I 00:34:21.510 --> 00:34:23.269 sort of always sort of jokingly say that my partner, 00:34:23.309 --> 00:34:25.809 Em, is like my manager. She's very good at keeping 00:34:25.809 --> 00:34:30.329 me in line. That's good. You need someone like 00:34:30.329 --> 00:34:34.010 that. But, you know, it is sort of interesting 00:34:34.010 --> 00:34:38.130 because when you do think about it like that 00:34:38.130 --> 00:34:40.190 and you do go, oh, okay, I want to pursue everything, 00:34:40.409 --> 00:34:45.309 you know, like everything I make, you know, is 00:34:45.309 --> 00:34:47.309 people go to me like, how much do you profit? 00:34:47.909 --> 00:34:52.269 I'm like, I do other jobs to like make that profit 00:34:52.269 --> 00:34:54.429 me. I'll tell you in May when I file my taxes, 00:34:54.489 --> 00:34:56.369 but like take it with a grain of salt. Yeah, 00:34:56.409 --> 00:34:58.570 I know.

It's like, fuck. Like, you know, and 00:34:58.570 --> 00:35:00.730 I, you know, don't get me wrong. I love everything 00:35:00.730 --> 00:35:03.369 I do. And I'm very grateful for everything. Like 00:35:03.369 --> 00:35:06.949 I still, like my plans are always to, you know, 00:35:06.969 --> 00:35:08.630 make more things. And, you know, over the next 00:35:08.630 --> 00:35:11.110 couple of years, I want to make and, you know, 00:35:11.130 --> 00:35:15.590 like act and do more things. It is kind of an 00:35:15.590 --> 00:35:18.889 interesting thing because you have these long 00:35:18.889 --> 00:35:22.670 dreams and these long scopes. But, you know, 00:35:22.690 --> 00:35:25.590 there's always this. I think the thing that I 00:35:25.590 --> 00:35:27.590 always get griped about, though, is patience. 00:35:28.489 --> 00:35:31.409 Because patience is such a virtue. It's hard 00:35:31.409 --> 00:35:34.389 to understand the long game. Yeah. Until you've, 00:35:34.449 --> 00:35:37.789 well, just been in it. Well, yeah. And I think 00:35:37.789 --> 00:35:43.719 it's. Yeah, you're very hungry for what's right 00:35:43.719 --> 00:35:46.039 in front of you and every opportunity feels like 00:35:46.039 --> 00:35:49.480 the last one you're going to get. And every bigger 00:35:49.480 --> 00:35:52.000 opportunity feels like this could be the make 00:35:52.000 --> 00:35:58.099 it or break it. And I think that is just a perspective. 00:35:58.239 --> 00:36:01.039 A perspective that can kind of diminish over 00:36:01.039 --> 00:36:04.260 time as you trust yourself, as you understand 00:36:04.260 --> 00:36:07.460 the industry and what you have to offer and also 00:36:07.460 --> 00:36:12.900 understand what... isn't in your control, it 00:36:12.900 --> 00:36:14.400 doesn't help to try to control something that's 00:36:14.400 --> 00:36:16.019 not in your control. If you're feeling bitter 00:36:16.019 --> 00:36:18.619 and angry because you don't have the same opportunities 00:36:18.619 --> 00:36:20.860 as some other people or that you would like, 00:36:20.980 --> 00:36:24.099 that's just, that is just going to poison your 00:36:24.099 --> 00:36:28.199 joy. And so I think, you know, and this is something 00:36:28.199 --> 00:36:32.900 that I've done that a lot of my, uh, my peers 00:36:32.900 --> 00:36:35.920 are doing, which is what, what is in your control? 00:36:35.980 --> 00:36:39.940 Can you Can you activate this passion, this excitement 00:36:39.940 --> 00:36:43.559 for storytelling in other ways in your life that 00:36:43.559 --> 00:36:45.960 you find fulfilling, that take the pressure off 00:36:45.960 --> 00:36:48.780 of what isn't in your control? Like writing, 00:36:48.860 --> 00:36:52.159 like producing. Well, yeah. I mean, did you feel 00:36:52.159 --> 00:36:54.960 from living in L .A. or going from Kingston to 00:36:54.960 --> 00:36:59.659 L .A. to Toronto? Right. It was more like Kingston, 00:36:59.940 --> 00:37:02.800 Glasgow, Kingston, Toronto, Vancouver,

Toronto, 00:37:02.980 --> 00:37:08.480 L .A., Toronto. Prince George, Toronto, LA again, 00:37:08.639 --> 00:37:14.440 Vancouver, Toronto, LA, Costa Rica, Toronto. 00:37:14.980 --> 00:37:17.500 I'm done. Oh my God. There's too many places. 00:37:18.019 --> 00:37:20.599 That's the way too many places. I mean, did you 00:37:20.599 --> 00:37:24.960 find from all that travel that like, did it, 00:37:24.980 --> 00:37:26.880 because I'm assuming that was also all trying 00:37:26.880 --> 00:37:29.619 to pursue some sort of form of arts and sort 00:37:29.619 --> 00:37:31.659 of see where that, or was that just sort of like 00:37:31.659 --> 00:37:36.329 self journey? It was not. I felt so caught, trapped 00:37:36.329 --> 00:37:39.710 in this singular pursuit. Like, I think the first 00:37:39.710 --> 00:37:41.050 time that I was like, I just need to do something 00:37:41.050 --> 00:37:43.889 else was when I've been living in Toronto for 00:37:43.889 --> 00:37:45.949 a couple of years. I had my first agent. I was 00:37:45.949 --> 00:37:50.829 trying. I was in acting classes. And I felt like 00:37:50.829 --> 00:37:56.510 I was stuck in this rhythm of life. And I knew 00:37:56.510 --> 00:38:00.849 that I had to change something. And I think sometimes 00:38:00.849 --> 00:38:05.599 my impulse. is just to really forcibly start 00:38:05.599 --> 00:38:08.440 a new chapter. And often that is physical relocation 00:38:08.440 --> 00:38:10.820 or seeking out like an extreme experience where 00:38:10.820 --> 00:38:13.380 I'm forced to build new, like I went tree planting. 00:38:13.800 --> 00:38:16.980 So I lived out in the bush off the grid in a 00:38:16.980 --> 00:38:21.840 tent, planted trees every day, all day. They 00:38:21.840 --> 00:38:23.719 dropped me off at a plot of land. It was just 00:38:23.719 --> 00:38:28.489 like, I wanted to kind of give myself. very tactile 00:38:28.489 --> 00:38:31.769 experience of working hard or working towards 00:38:31.769 --> 00:38:36.210 a goal because I just felt so like I'm like I'm 00:38:36.210 --> 00:38:38.269 in I'm in the city I'm available for auditions 00:38:38.269 --> 00:38:42.389 I'm taking classes I I'm I'm living here I'm 00:38:42.389 --> 00:38:44.349 making money so I can afford the headshots and 00:38:44.349 --> 00:38:47.989 like all of this but but it just feels like this 00:38:47.989 --> 00:38:50.650 cycle of inaction even though you're doing everything 00:38:50.650 --> 00:38:55.349 you can and I wanted to have some like concrete 00:38:56.550 --> 00:38:59.650 satisfaction or accomplishment and getting paid 00:38:59.650 --> 00:39:01.869 per tree and figuring out how to plant more trees 00:39:01.869 --> 00:39:07.010 is so concrete. And then I think that it kind 00:39:07.010 --> 00:39:12.650 of broke away this focus of needing the affirmation 00:39:12.650 --> 00:39:14.809 in the way that I thought I did in my career. 00:39:14.949 --> 00:39:17.349 And then I came back and I felt more relaxed 00:39:17.349 --> 00:39:20.110 and I was able to connect to the work with more 00:39:20.110 --> 00:39:23.289 joy. I got a different agent. I booked my first 00:39:23.289 --> 00:39:26.880 like bigger acting role. And there's this pattern 00:39:26.880 --> 00:39:29.380 where I feel like I get too fixated on something 00:39:29.380 --> 00:39:34.079 or one idea of success and I need to break it 00:39:34.079 --> 00:39:38.480 up in order to remind myself what else I love 00:39:38.480 --> 00:39:40.460 about life, about the world, what I'm capable 00:39:40.460 --> 00:39:43.480 of, just to like really shock myself out of something. 00:39:44.619 --> 00:39:47.280 Yeah, because I mean, like, you know, how long 00:39:47.280 --> 00:39:49.119 have you sort of like solidly lived in Toronto 00:39:49.119 --> 00:39:56.309 now? Well, 2013 was when I moved here. And then, 00:39:56.329 --> 00:39:59.690 yeah, I've left for months, even a year at a 00:39:59.690 --> 00:40:03.050 time. Yeah. And then come back. And it's sort 00:40:03.050 --> 00:40:04.969 of feeling more and more like home. Yeah. Yeah, 00:40:05.070 --> 00:40:07.570 definitely. I mean, you know, and it's sort of 00:40:07.570 --> 00:40:09.829 interesting because, you know, you're not fully 00:40:09.829 --> 00:40:13.289 at all Canadian. Well, I mean, I am. I was born 00:40:13.289 --> 00:40:15.590 here. But yeah, I'm not. My dad's American. He 00:40:15.590 --> 00:40:17.530 grew up in Illinois. My mom's British. She grew 00:40:17.530 --> 00:40:20.969 up in London. They ended up on Vancouver Island. 00:40:21.630 --> 00:40:25.889 And yeah, so there was this sense of, you know, 00:40:25.889 --> 00:40:29.989 I'm very I'm lucky I can live in the States. 00:40:30.190 --> 00:40:33.510 I have an American passport. So I have that option 00:40:33.510 --> 00:40:37.570 available to me. But I don't feel I think I appreciate 00:40:37.570 --> 00:40:41.409 as I get older and especially in this political 00:40:41.409 --> 00:40:45.349 landscape. Yeah. I appreciate being able to call 00:40:45.349 --> 00:40:48.610 Canada home and the lifestyle that I'm able to 00:40:48.610 --> 00:40:52.360 have here. And I don't take that for granted. 00:40:52.760 --> 00:40:56.800 But I don't feel particularly Canadian. I don't 00:40:56.800 --> 00:41:01.260 feel like a strong connection with a Canadian 00:41:01.260 --> 00:41:02.980 culture. But I'm trying to form that and create 00:41:02.980 --> 00:41:05.760 that and identify that. Because, I mean, you 00:41:05.760 --> 00:41:09.860 know, that's, you know, like such an interesting 00:41:09.860 --> 00:41:12.480 thing of like sort of being like, oh, I'm. multitude 00:41:12.480 --> 00:41:15.320 of things even though i'm born here it also honestly 00:41:15.320 --> 00:41:18.280 just is such a mind fuck to identify with a country 00:41:18.280 --> 00:41:21.400 i don't get it as if a country like involves 00:41:21.400 --> 00:41:24.039 a bunch of traits that a bunch of people share 00:41:24.039 --> 00:41:26.880 like i mean you

look at canada it's like it's 00:41:26.880 --> 00:41:28.739 not even like there's no language that we all 00:41:28.739 --> 00:41:31.239 share there's no like are there there are some 00:41:31.239 --> 00:41:34.710 general values that we share i would say but 00:41:34.710 --> 00:41:37.070 it's not because we're Canadian. Well, you know, 00:41:37.130 --> 00:41:39.070 like, okay, so since moving here and one of the 00:41:39.070 --> 00:41:42.369 biggest things I've managed to unteach a lot 00:41:42.369 --> 00:41:44.750 of people, a lot of my friends. Is that Canadians 00:41:44.750 --> 00:41:49.389 live in igloos? Well, no, they do. But no, but 00:41:49.389 --> 00:41:53.909 like the sheer politeness, like, so in Australia, 00:41:53.949 --> 00:41:56.230 like confrontation is like, if you have a problem 00:41:56.230 --> 00:41:58.320 with someone, you will... hash it out you'll 00:41:58.320 --> 00:42:01.119 just be like oh okay i didn't like how you phrased 00:42:01.119 --> 00:42:04.099 that like let's talk it out here people's politeness 00:42:04.099 --> 00:42:06.039 kicks the better of them and they just get salty 00:42:06.039 --> 00:42:08.800 and i've noticed in some sections i'm like oh 00:42:08.800 --> 00:42:12.239 my god shut the fuck up and just like relax yeah 00:42:12.239 --> 00:42:14.960 it's like relax just talk about it but i do notice 00:42:14.960 --> 00:42:18.400 that like being the thing of like oh you know 00:42:18.400 --> 00:42:21.670 people don't They don't really like nod it out. 00:42:21.789 --> 00:42:23.730 Like they just kind of like. Yeah, I think like 00:42:23.730 --> 00:42:28.269 politeness can be conflated with a non -confrontational 00:42:28.269 --> 00:42:31.590 sort of attitude. I like that you say that with 00:42:31.590 --> 00:42:33.829 hands. My hands are sort of off to the side. 00:42:33.889 --> 00:42:36.250 I'm like, over there, please. Like, don't come 00:42:36.250 --> 00:42:40.389 at me with that heat. Yeah. There's like something 00:42:40.389 --> 00:42:42.690 about the British sensibility in there, too. 00:42:42.789 --> 00:42:44.869 And I understand this from my mom and my grandmother. 00:42:46.489 --> 00:42:51.789 like there is a social facing facade and to show 00:42:51.789 --> 00:42:56.550 too much emotion can be considered rude. Yeah. 00:42:56.969 --> 00:42:59.389 Which is, well, that's really interesting to 00:42:59.389 --> 00:43:03.050 me because like having ADHD. Oh my God. It's 00:43:03.050 --> 00:43:04.670 a rollercoaster. Oh, we haven't gone there. Yeah. 00:43:04.670 --> 00:43:08.110 We're going down that road. Do other people feel 00:43:08.110 --> 00:43:10.150 things? Why don't, why are they falling apart 00:43:10.150 --> 00:43:13.030 every second? I mean, did you sort of like work 00:43:13.030 --> 00:43:15.449 out? As well, your brain was like wired very 00:43:15.449 --> 00:43:17.210 differently at a certain age. Were you just like, 00:43:17.210 --> 00:43:18.750 oh my God. No, I just thought I had really bad

00:43:18.750 --> 00:43:20.650 personality traits. I just thought there was 00:43:20.650 --> 00:43:24.369 a lot wrong with me. So when did it clock? It 00:43:24.369 --> 00:43:26.349 just got out of control. It just got out of hand. 00:43:27.070 --> 00:43:32.230 And I think I like, yeah, it was after COVID, 00:43:32.369 --> 00:43:35.630 like, you know, left LA. It was like, what is 00:43:35.630 --> 00:43:40.250 life? Just L .A. A relationship fell apart. Yeah. 00:43:40.610 --> 00:43:44.190 And then I think I met this girl on Hinge who 00:43:44.190 --> 00:43:46.170 was a therapist and we didn't end up dating. 00:43:46.429 --> 00:43:48.190 I love that you met her on Hinge though. But 00:43:48.190 --> 00:43:51.090 she like gently introduced the idea that therapy 00:43:51.090 --> 00:43:55.329 can be a good idea that maybe like it's so funny 00:43:55.329 --> 00:43:57.699 because after the fact like. My best friends 00:43:57.699 --> 00:44:00.059 have ADHD. The people that I've dated have ADHD. 00:44:00.219 --> 00:44:03.059 I had no fucking clue. Which is amazing. But 00:44:03.059 --> 00:44:05.860 this girl was like, hey, like not not diagnosing 00:44:05.860 --> 00:44:08.780 it by any way, but like, hey, have you have you 00:44:08.780 --> 00:44:10.920 thought about this? And I was like, no, not at 00:44:10.920 --> 00:44:14.420 all. What? No, because I was oh, I don't know. 00:44:14.480 --> 00:44:16.940 I like I did my homework. Like, yeah, I procrastinated. 00:44:16.940 --> 00:44:18.840 I went to the last minute and then I like just 00:44:18.840 --> 00:44:20.659 didn't take classes. I wasn't interested in and 00:44:20.659 --> 00:44:23.039 heavily pursued my interests and then just like 00:44:23.039 --> 00:44:27.460 argued a lot. But so what? Everyone's just like, 00:44:27.500 --> 00:44:29.340 Nicolette, what are you doing? He's like, nothing. 00:44:29.739 --> 00:44:31.860 Fine. Oh, sorry. I was in my imagination thinking 00:44:31.860 --> 00:44:34.420 about this fantasy book that I read. Excuse me. 00:44:34.440 --> 00:44:36.599 It's Lord of the Rings. I must return. I must 00:44:36.599 --> 00:44:39.960 return to Lord of the Rings in my mind. Literally 00:44:39.960 --> 00:44:42.219 all the time. I'm like, I don't want to be present. 00:44:42.320 --> 00:44:44.960 I would rather be in my imagination. Mordor. 00:44:44.960 --> 00:44:48.559 Where shall I be? I mean, honestly, that is the 00:44:48.559 --> 00:44:50.820 key. I mean, like, it's also like, I remember. 00:44:51.699 --> 00:44:53.679 you know, like, you know, being a kid in the 00:44:53.679 --> 00:44:55.659 nineties as well. It's like, you know, sort of 00:44:55.659 --> 00:44:58.559 uncommon, but I think also when, you know, like, 00:45:00.039 --> 00:45:02.900 It was more diagnosable in boys than it was in 00:45:02.900 --> 00:45:05.280 girls. Yeah, the hyperactivity. Oh, yeah. But 00:45:05.280 --> 00:45:06.980 it's like, you know, teaching kids now, which 00:45:06.980 --> 00:45:09.280 is something I do,

I notice it and clock it in 00:45:09.280 --> 00:45:12.219 young girls like so quickly. I'm like, you, like. 00:45:12.320 --> 00:45:14.599 They're like a little bit spaced out. They're 00:45:14.599 --> 00:45:18.280 so spaced out. Yeah. But they do. And this is 00:45:18.280 --> 00:45:21.139 something that we're socialized very quickly 00:45:21.139 --> 00:45:26.639 to. to perform yeah and i think this is where 00:45:26.639 --> 00:45:30.039 i felt so confused and at a loss where i felt 00:45:30.039 --> 00:45:33.380 like i was i was missing the signals yeah i wasn't 00:45:33.380 --> 00:45:35.960 performing the right thing socially all the time 00:45:35.960 --> 00:45:39.440 i felt very um i felt a lot of confusion and 00:45:39.440 --> 00:45:42.920 shame yeah and and but then we just hide that 00:45:42.920 --> 00:45:44.380 in course correct because i thought i was doing 00:45:44.380 --> 00:45:46.940 something wrong did you did that affect your 00:45:46.940 --> 00:45:50.969 dating Yeah. I like that you said that with like. 00:45:51.389 --> 00:45:54.489 I think, I mean, first of all, I think about 00:45:54.489 --> 00:45:56.650 like my first relationships and I was drawn to 00:45:56.650 --> 00:46:02.170 like very extreme people, I would say. The first 00:46:02.170 --> 00:46:05.449 person that I dated had a serious mental health 00:46:05.449 --> 00:46:07.869 crisis. Oh, wow. Right around the time that we 00:46:07.869 --> 00:46:10.230 broke up and it was like, and I didn't see it 00:46:10.230 --> 00:46:14.510 coming. But I think I was drawn to the intensity 00:46:14.510 --> 00:46:20.650 of his personality. But aside from that, I think 00:46:20.650 --> 00:46:23.650 it affected my dating in just my willingness 00:46:23.650 --> 00:46:27.690 to date. Like I was interested in meeting people 00:46:27.690 --> 00:46:29.969 and dating. But the idea of a relationship felt 00:46:29.969 --> 00:46:34.730 stifling and confusing and confronting. Because 00:46:34.730 --> 00:46:36.750 when you're in a relationship, what you're really 00:46:36.750 --> 00:46:39.070 confronting is yourself and how you affect other 00:46:39.070 --> 00:46:44.400 people and why. If I hurt someone because I say 00:46:44.400 --> 00:46:47.000 something before I think or I think I'm being 00:46:47.000 --> 00:46:49.280 normal and they're off put by something that 00:46:49.280 --> 00:46:51.480 I'm doing. I don't know, like even like a stim 00:46:51.480 --> 00:46:54.599 or something physical or a little habit, like 00:46:54.599 --> 00:46:58.800 you're confronted by all of that. And I think 00:46:58.800 --> 00:47:01.960 I couldn't handle that very well until I knew 00:47:01.960 --> 00:47:06.820 myself better. Wow. Yeah, that's very relatable. 00:47:07.780 --> 00:47:12.739 I would hope so. If you're, you know, if you 00:47:12.739 --> 00:47:14.360 want to have a healthy relationship and be able 00:47:14.360 --> 00:47:17.699 to be vulnerable with your partner and be accountable 00:47:17.699 --> 00:47:20.099

for your own shit. I think, yeah. Yeah. It's 00:47:20.099 --> 00:47:21.940 like, well, I think it's also like just tanking 00:47:21.940 --> 00:47:24.679 ownership, which I mean, like, you know, that's 00:47:24.679 --> 00:47:27.440 because I think with my ADHD as well, it's like 00:47:27.440 --> 00:47:31.460 it just made me like my therapist. I started 00:47:31.460 --> 00:47:36.519 going to therapy when I was 26 or 25. And I and. 00:47:38.519 --> 00:47:41.719 It was a real like, my therapist described it 00:47:41.719 --> 00:47:44.199 as wounded birds of me trying to fix people, 00:47:44.320 --> 00:47:47.900 which was a really good thing to kind of like 00:47:47.900 --> 00:47:50.119 clarify. Like you were drawn to wounded people? 00:47:50.320 --> 00:47:53.320 Yeah, I was drawn to wounded people to fix. And 00:47:53.320 --> 00:47:56.780 there is always like, I have a much better mental 00:47:56.780 --> 00:47:59.139 health stance of like, that's your problems, 00:47:59.139 --> 00:48:01.739 not mine. In the kindest way possible. In the 00:48:01.739 --> 00:48:04.539 kindest way. I have empathy, but. I can't fix 00:48:04.539 --> 00:48:07.960 everything. But, you know, like there was a serious 00:48:07.960 --> 00:48:09.940 time where it's like, you know, I had I have 00:48:09.940 --> 00:48:12.400 had two abusive relationships and that was really 00:48:12.400 --> 00:48:17.260 kind of like one was very physically toxic and 00:48:17.260 --> 00:48:19.199 emotionally toxic. The other one was just emotionally 00:48:19.199 --> 00:48:22.199 toxic. But it was just like both of them had 00:48:22.199 --> 00:48:24.219 elements where you're like, oh, my God, fuck. 00:48:24.380 --> 00:48:27.800 Like, what's why is this? And you don't realize 00:48:27.800 --> 00:48:32.230 kind of like that. ADHD, like the social norms 00:48:32.230 --> 00:48:35.429 or like the normalization is to kind of be like, 00:48:35.550 --> 00:48:39.929 oh, okay, I need to be, you know, everyone's 00:48:39.929 --> 00:48:41.710 telling me I need to be this. So I'm going to 00:48:41.710 --> 00:48:44.530 be this. And there, you know, did you feel like 00:48:44.530 --> 00:48:47.230 when you dated people, you were like, oh, they're 00:48:47.230 --> 00:48:49.269 telling me to be this or I'm just going to chameleonize 00:48:49.269 --> 00:48:53.989 myself into that form and then be unhappy? Hmm. 00:48:54.329 --> 00:48:57.110 I don't know. I mean, may I ask, like, what do 00:48:57.110 --> 00:48:59.130 you think you got out of that? Like, why were 00:48:59.130 --> 00:49:02.699 you drawn? I that was a great question I mean 00:49:02.699 --> 00:49:06.260 like I I think in hindsight I learned a lot from 00:49:06.260 --> 00:49:08.639 both relationships I think what I was drawn to 00:49:08.639 --> 00:49:14.199 the first relationship um she was just she was 00:49:14.199 --> 00:49:17.639 very independent very charismatic um yeah charismatic 00:49:17.639 --> 00:49:21.340 and um But she was just like, the more I got

00:49:21.340 --> 00:49:23.320 to know her, she was just blatantly rude. And 00:49:23.320 --> 00:49:25.699 it did turn out. Oh, I've been drawn to that 00:49:25.699 --> 00:49:28.039 sort of thing before. Yeah. Where someone seems 00:49:28.039 --> 00:49:30.280 like bold and unapologetic and you're like, I 00:49:30.280 --> 00:49:32.860 want to embody. I think that was a thing that 00:49:32.860 --> 00:49:36.219 often I would date someone where they had some 00:49:36.219 --> 00:49:39.000 quality or something that I kind of wanted to 00:49:39.000 --> 00:49:44.670 absorb into myself or to help me kind of. enter 00:49:44.670 --> 00:49:47.110 a new phase of life like there's like attraction 00:49:47.110 --> 00:49:49.670 and flirtation and and the excitement of meeting 00:49:49.670 --> 00:49:52.269 someone but then i think it was kind of like 00:49:52.269 --> 00:49:56.230 who would i be with this person yeah how do i 00:49:56.230 --> 00:50:00.510 control who i am next in my life in a way maybe 00:50:00.510 --> 00:50:02.929 that was part of it i think i think so it's like 00:50:02.929 --> 00:50:06.210 because you know it you know em and i have now 00:50:06.210 --> 00:50:08.210 been together five and a half years and you know 00:50:08.210 --> 00:50:11.449 like you know there is sort of like people go 00:50:11.449 --> 00:50:13.349 like oh that's such a long time and you know 00:50:13.349 --> 00:50:15.079 like you know, in the grand scheme of things, 00:50:15.179 --> 00:50:16.659 like I know friends who have been together for 00:50:16.659 --> 00:50:20.480 like a lot longer. But you sort of like don't 00:50:20.480 --> 00:50:24.500 really sort of question it as much. And I think 00:50:24.500 --> 00:50:26.139 it's always like healthy to have a relationship 00:50:26.139 --> 00:50:28.900 that challenges you. Because I think also like, 00:50:29.019 --> 00:50:33.119 you know, one of the great things is like we 00:50:33.119 --> 00:50:35.480 both push each other outside of our comfort zones 00:50:35.480 --> 00:50:37.880 to have conversations. We've both been to couple 00:50:37.880 --> 00:50:39.260 counseling. Actually, there was one other thing. 00:50:39.320 --> 00:50:41.780 So when we got married. that was one of the conversations 00:50:41.780 --> 00:50:45.480 that, so our best, one of Em's best friends was 00:50:45.480 --> 00:50:48.940 the one who married us. And they've known each 00:50:48.940 --> 00:50:51.300 other since the university. And one of the best 00:50:51.300 --> 00:50:53.500 things she just said was go to a marriage counselor, 00:50:53.559 --> 00:50:56.679 not because you need it, but because it's just 00:50:56.679 --> 00:50:59.699 a useful thing to do every six months to a year. 00:50:59.800 --> 00:51:02.719 Just go back. Not to fix a problem. No, but just 00:51:02.719 --> 00:51:05.460 to continue the conversation, give you tools. 00:51:05.639 --> 00:51:07.500 Yeah. And one of the best things that I used 00:51:07.500 --> 00:51:12.809 to, so anything like, my ADHD was like manifest 00:51:12.809 --> 00:51:15.210 sometimes in anxiety, which is, you know, like 00:51:15.210 --> 00:51:18.590 is the feeling of purpose and feeling of like, 00:51:18.630 --> 00:51:22.210 I need to do this to achieve said goal. Cause 00:51:22.210 --> 00:51:24.250 I'm not doing enough. I'm not doing enough. What's 00:51:24.250 --> 00:51:26.230 next? What's next? Thinking future all the time. 00:51:26.269 --> 00:51:28.590 Yeah. Yeah. You know exactly where, but it's 00:51:28.590 --> 00:51:31.230 like, and so I, that we were talking, we were 00:51:31.230 --> 00:51:32.650 in bed and we were having this conversation. 00:51:32.849 --> 00:51:35.110 And I remember like distinctly. I was like, oh, 00:51:35.130 --> 00:51:36.769 my God, I feel like this shutdown. I was like, 00:51:36.829 --> 00:51:38.210 I feel like I'm just going to that kid state 00:51:38.210 --> 00:51:40.210 of like I need to shut down. I need to feel like 00:51:40.210 --> 00:51:44.269 small. And I managed to be like, no, no, I'm 00:51:44.269 --> 00:51:45.829 not going to. I'm going to pull myself in. And 00:51:45.829 --> 00:51:48.030 we got that from like the tools of our last therapy 00:51:48.030 --> 00:51:50.250 session. And I remember like Em came to me in 00:51:50.250 --> 00:51:51.610 the morning. She was like, I'm so proud that 00:51:51.610 --> 00:51:54.750 you were able to just like talk to me. and not 00:51:54.750 --> 00:51:57.250 like shut down and may feel bad for shutting 00:51:57.250 --> 00:51:59.190 you down. Like we were able to just like. Like 00:51:59.190 --> 00:52:01.170 the cycle that you get into that you need to 00:52:01.170 --> 00:52:03.309 break. Yeah. And so I think there's like little 00:52:03.309 --> 00:52:06.369 mounds where people, you know, like sort of do, 00:52:06.409 --> 00:52:09.449 I mean, like, do you feel like that's how your 00:52:09.449 --> 00:52:12.409 ADHD manifests as well? Like where you kind of 00:52:12.409 --> 00:52:14.570 get into this state of like, I'm not doing enough 00:52:14.570 --> 00:52:17.630 and I need to. Panic and then paralysis. Yes. 00:52:17.949 --> 00:52:22.409 And it used to, before I was on medication, it 00:52:22.409 --> 00:52:25.690 was. It was very physical and emotional. Like 00:52:25.690 --> 00:52:29.710 I needed a nap every day. I would get very overwhelmed. 00:52:29.949 --> 00:52:33.210 I was very hard on myself. And I would just like, 00:52:33.309 --> 00:52:38.469 I would get very anxious and irritable and then 00:52:38.469 --> 00:52:41.230 sometimes depressed if I was overstimulated. 00:52:41.530 --> 00:52:46.289 And I would just need to, like my system would 00:52:46.289 --> 00:52:49.510 shut down. I slept so much. I slept so much. 00:52:51.000 --> 00:52:53.559 Just because I didn't want to deal with being 00:52:53.559 --> 00:52:59.719 awake. It was too much. And it's not quite suicidal. 00:53:00.139 --> 00:53:03.460 It wasn't suicidal ideation in that way, but 00:53:03.460 --> 00:53:08.360

it was just this longing for not being conscious, 00:53:08.400 --> 00:53:11.119 which is so funny because I love being conscious. 00:53:11.159 --> 00:53:13.679 I love my brain the way it works. I love the 00:53:13.679 --> 00:53:15.960 world, perceiving things, experiencing new things, 00:53:16.019 --> 00:53:17.909 but I didn't know how to. put it all together 00:53:17.909 --> 00:53:19.469 and formulate it. And I didn't know what I was 00:53:19.469 --> 00:53:21.590 doing wrong. I just felt like I was falling behind 00:53:21.590 --> 00:53:25.730 always. And when I started taking medication, 00:53:26.010 --> 00:53:30.409 it truly was night and day. It was just like 00:53:30.409 --> 00:53:36.090 this veil of cobwebs was lifted. And something 00:53:36.090 --> 00:53:39.010 as simple as getting out of bed and brushing 00:53:39.010 --> 00:53:41.070 my teeth and washing my face or like making a 00:53:41.070 --> 00:53:43.530 cup of coffee, like the very simple first step 00:53:43.530 --> 00:53:46.710 to start your day. I could just think to do it 00:53:46.710 --> 00:53:51.550 and do it. And I hadn't experienced that. I like 00:53:51.550 --> 00:53:56.510 to do the simplest thing felt like this circuitous 00:53:56.510 --> 00:53:59.670 journey. And I would have all these intentions 00:53:59.670 --> 00:54:03.230 and plans for the day. And suddenly I was just 00:54:03.230 --> 00:54:07.670 like curled up in a ball. Yeah. Why didn't I 00:54:07.670 --> 00:54:11.829 do anything? I'm capable. I'm smart. Like, why? 00:54:15.670 --> 00:54:18.329 Anyways, I, yeah, I'm really grateful for meditation, 00:54:18.610 --> 00:54:20.590 medication and meditation. I don't meditate enough. 00:54:21.090 --> 00:54:24.050 For me, like walking is meditation. I think walking 00:54:24.050 --> 00:54:27.670 is good meditation. Yeah. I don't like long showers. 00:54:28.050 --> 00:54:30.389 Really? You're a short shower. I hate long showers. 00:54:30.409 --> 00:54:33.880 It's so boring. I'll take a bath. Oh, I do like 00:54:33.880 --> 00:54:35.960 a bath. But yeah, just people like to meditate 00:54:35.960 --> 00:54:38.219 in the shower. And I'm like, I get it. It's so, 00:54:38.340 --> 00:54:40.019 it's so much like I can, it's too much. It's 00:54:40.019 --> 00:54:41.699 like water on my head pounding. And then all 00:54:41.699 --> 00:54:44.059 the acoustics of being in the shower, I think 00:54:44.059 --> 00:54:46.400 is too much stimulation. I think I 100%, that 00:54:46.400 --> 00:54:48.539 is the most ADHD thing you've said. Oh, I'm sorry. 00:54:48.619 --> 00:54:52.780 High water pressure. No, thank you. Ow. Ow. That's 00:54:52.780 --> 00:54:54.579 what I think. I'm like, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Is 00:54:54.579 --> 00:54:56.639 that, you're just like, no. I'm like, relax. 00:54:58.059 --> 00:55:00.119 Well, I mean, like, I love that as well, because, 00:55:00.179 --> 00:55:04.510 you know, like I, I find, But what medication 00:55:04.510 --> 00:55:09.510 are you on? Vyvanse. So I didn't. I love that 00:55:09.510 --> 00:55:13.230 you're like, hang on, what? Just a walking Vyvanse 00:55:13.230 --> 00:55:18.250 ad. No one is paying me. They should. I would 00:55:18.250 --> 00:55:23.190 love that. Because I was on Ritalin, which was 00:55:23.190 --> 00:55:28.130 quite conducive. I think I was about. It worked 00:55:28.130 --> 00:55:30.070 for you? And then did you go off of it? I did 00:55:30.070 --> 00:55:35.369 at 17. This is what I've heard that like with 00:55:35.369 --> 00:55:37.329 kids. By heard, I mean like I've listened to 00:55:37.329 --> 00:55:39.150 a million podcasts like everyone else on the 00:55:39.150 --> 00:55:43.469 subject matter. Where if you go on medication 00:55:43.469 --> 00:55:45.210 when you're younger and it works for you and 00:55:45.210 --> 00:55:47.030 it helps, then it just helps you develop those 00:55:47.030 --> 00:55:49.210 habits and kind of rewire your brain. Yeah. And 00:55:49.210 --> 00:55:51.789 then you can go off of it. Yeah. Which makes 00:55:51.789 --> 00:55:54.949 the most sense. But my brain was wired wrong. 00:55:55.070 --> 00:55:58.809 Hang on. Does caffeine wire it even more? Or 00:55:58.809 --> 00:56:01.030 does caffeine dull it? Well, actually, you know. 00:56:01.679 --> 00:56:07.179 To be honest, one of the hints for me was I liked 00:56:07.179 --> 00:56:10.780 cocaine. I was never like a hard partier, but 00:56:10.780 --> 00:56:12.840 I went through a phase and I was like, oh, my 00:56:12.840 --> 00:56:15.659 God, I feel like a normal person right now. Right. 00:56:15.840 --> 00:56:18.980 And I would just like if I went to a social thing 00:56:18.980 --> 00:56:22.880 and did like I never needed to do a lot. It was 00:56:22.880 --> 00:56:25.340 just like it brought me to this level where I 00:56:25.340 --> 00:56:28.280 was like, I'm actually enjoying being here and 00:56:28.280 --> 00:56:31.719 I can engage with people and I'm not like. trapped 00:56:31.719 --> 00:56:35.019 in my mind and i feel like i'm being socially 00:56:35.019 --> 00:56:37.619 kind of normal like depending how much i did 00:56:37.619 --> 00:56:40.340 i guess um but yeah caffeine i don't drink as 00:56:40.340 --> 00:56:42.500 much caffeine as i used to i would be like all 00:56:42.500 --> 00:56:45.960 day coffee and sugar food constant snacking like 00:56:45.960 --> 00:56:49.500 the oral stimulation and the dopamine rush of 00:56:49.500 --> 00:56:53.360 of sugar or like you know those kinds of foods 00:56:53.360 --> 00:56:58.099 um yeah those are sort of my go -to Wow. So now 00:56:58.099 --> 00:57:01.099 it's no longer cocaine. It's just pure sugar. 00:57:01.159 --> 00:57:02.940 No, I don't even need it. You don't need it. 00:57:02.960 --> 00:57:06.079 I don't touch it. I need sugar and caffeine. 00:57:08.079 --> 00:57:11.280 I have taken the choice of healthier lifestyles. 00:57:11.420 --> 00:57:13.880 I mean, you know, like that's such an interesting 00:57:13.880 --> 00:57:15.480 thing as well because

like people ask me all 00:57:15.480 --> 00:57:18.900 the time. It's like, oh, you know, like because 00:57:18.900 --> 00:57:20.739 like Ritalin's like a refined version of speed. 00:57:20.980 --> 00:57:23.610 Yeah. They're all just like. kind of the same 00:57:23.610 --> 00:57:25.070 thing yeah i know they're all cut from the i'm 00:57:25.070 --> 00:57:26.449 like when i first went on five months i was like 00:57:26.449 --> 00:57:28.849 it's like diet cocaine am i allowed to feel this 00:57:28.849 --> 00:57:31.690 way well it's like i was like is this wrong yeah 00:57:31.690 --> 00:57:36.469 no and it's so good i mean like i so i'm on fluoxetine 00:57:36.469 --> 00:57:39.150 um which is an anti -anxiety i'm on 10 milligrams 00:57:39.150 --> 00:57:42.840 right yeah um which i have found Helps a lot 00:57:42.840 --> 00:57:46.019 with my ADHD. Yeah. People go like anti -depression, 00:57:46.039 --> 00:57:48.280 anti -anxiety, like whatever it is that helps 00:57:48.280 --> 00:57:50.380 you, their comorbidities. And often it's like 00:57:50.380 --> 00:57:52.599 a chicken and the egg. Yeah. Which is sort of 00:57:52.599 --> 00:57:55.599 always been like the thing where it's like I 00:57:55.599 --> 00:57:57.539 used to be when I was younger, I was a massive 00:57:57.539 --> 00:58:01.260 drinker. So I was like. Uh, like I would go out 00:58:01.260 --> 00:58:03.239 and, you know, the idea of like feeling sort 00:58:03.239 --> 00:58:06.199 of semi -normal was getting drunk and. Okay. 00:58:06.239 --> 00:58:09.079 Yeah. Like you think you were like medicating 00:58:09.079 --> 00:58:10.760 yourself. Yeah. A little bit of like self -medication. 00:58:10.760 --> 00:58:13.860 For social anxiety. Just a social anxiety. And 00:58:13.860 --> 00:58:15.940 I think ADHD overwhelms, like your brain would 00:58:15.940 --> 00:58:18.139 sort of like. Yeah. It cuts out some of the noise. 00:58:18.280 --> 00:58:20.519 Yeah. Oh my God. Like that. And like weed, it, 00:58:20.519 --> 00:58:23.139 it kind of, it, it, like if there's, let's say 00:58:23.139 --> 00:58:25.900 five conversations happening in my brain, it's 00:58:25.900 --> 00:58:28.530 like there's five channels on. Those kind of 00:58:28.530 --> 00:58:31.150 things will just like shut two of them off. Yeah. 00:58:31.599 --> 00:58:33.320 And actually, you know. You're just like, I don't 00:58:33.320 --> 00:58:35.639 want to watch CBC Jam. I just want to watch like. 00:58:35.780 --> 00:58:37.579 I don't have to watch the news in my brain all 00:58:37.579 --> 00:58:39.840 the time. I can actually just watch what's going 00:58:39.840 --> 00:58:41.719 on in front of me. This is a crazy movie. I'm 00:58:41.719 --> 00:58:43.800 present in my life and I can hear and see things 00:58:43.800 --> 00:58:46.159 that are happening in real time. It's so insane. 00:58:46.599 --> 00:58:50.360 This is why also like, you know, as the arts 00:58:50.360 --> 00:58:52.440 in general, it's like anyone who, you know, there's 00:58:52.440 --> 00:58:54.039 always like this theory of like the analytical 00:58:54.039 --> 00:58:56.480 brain, normal people are the producers. And then 00:58:56.480 --> 00:58:59.179 everyone else is like an ADHD or like autistic. 00:58:59.760 --> 00:59:02.179 uh mindfuck everywhere else because we're we 00:59:02.179 --> 00:59:04.780 all are we're all sort of like eclectically weird 00:59:04.780 --> 00:59:10.440 um and I I mean like did you do you feel like 00:59:10.440 --> 00:59:14.159 also you know and and by the way Australia like 00:59:14.159 --> 00:59:16.940 one of the craziest things is like you know weed 00:59:16.940 --> 00:59:18.699 is legal here so it's not legal in Australia 00:59:18.699 --> 00:59:21.500 like sorry kid I mean it should it should be 00:59:21.500 --> 00:59:24.480 um I agree with that I think it's like give it 00:59:24.480 --> 00:59:28.250 a choice like you know um But it's sort of funny 00:59:28.250 --> 00:59:31.030 now as an adult, because like, you know, if people 00:59:31.030 --> 00:59:33.650 like, if I said to someone, let's grab a drink, 00:59:33.710 --> 00:59:35.449 you know, like I get the... Oh, how many people 00:59:35.449 --> 00:59:37.510 are sober and not drinking? Yeah, like so many 00:59:37.510 --> 00:59:40.469 people... Or California sober. Yeah, which is 00:59:40.469 --> 00:59:42.829 so weird. I'm like, I love a drink, you know, 00:59:42.829 --> 00:59:45.829 give me like an old fashioned, like, you know, 00:59:45.829 --> 00:59:49.449 a good cocktail, I'm there. But, you know, it's 00:59:49.449 --> 00:59:53.829 the thing of like, you know, that sort of like, 00:59:53.909 --> 00:59:58.170 almost like mental stim. Of like, oh, okay, a 00:59:58.170 --> 00:59:59.769 little bit of weed. We'll also kind of like, 00:59:59.849 --> 01:00:01.690 as you said, switch off those channels. Yeah. 01:00:01.809 --> 01:00:04.730 And all those things. And I remember like my 01:00:04.730 --> 01:00:06.949 doctor many years ago was like, oh, have you 01:00:06.949 --> 01:00:09.369 ever tried recreational drugs? Obviously remembering 01:00:09.369 --> 01:00:12.269 in Australia's band. And I was like, you know, 01:00:12.289 --> 01:00:14.469 at the time I was like, oh no. But I was like, 01:00:14.510 --> 01:00:19.059 I actually had. And sorry, mom, I have. I mean, 01:00:19.079 --> 01:00:20.840 like, okay, so two things she said she never 01:00:20.840 --> 01:00:23.699 wanted me to do was do drugs and smoke. I've 01:00:23.699 --> 01:00:25.440 done both those things. Like, drugs is such a 01:00:25.440 --> 01:00:27.239 broad category. I know, there's a lot of drugs. 01:00:27.260 --> 01:00:28.719 I'm not going to do heroin. I'm not going to 01:00:28.719 --> 01:00:30.659 do it. But I would try most things. I would try 01:00:30.659 --> 01:00:31.920 most things. I think everyone should try shrooms. 01:00:32.239 --> 01:00:35.360 I agree. Small micro doses. Like, start small. 01:00:36.300 --> 01:00:39.019 Don't go into, like, the white dragon

or, like, 01:00:39.019 --> 01:00:42.000 you know, was it? No. Yeah. Ayahuasca, no. No. 01:00:42.000 --> 01:00:46.019 No need. But, you know, like, in all honesty, 01:00:46.139 --> 01:00:49.099 like, I remember, like, I have a highly addictive 01:00:49.099 --> 01:00:52.239 personality, which I will wear. ADHD does that. 01:00:52.760 --> 01:00:56.519 And I remember I've got friends who smoke. I've 01:00:56.519 --> 01:00:59.079 got many friends who smoke. And they're like, 01:00:59.219 --> 01:01:00.880 how have you avoided it? And I'm like, because 01:01:00.880 --> 01:01:03.760 I don't buy. It's the one thing that I don't 01:01:03.760 --> 01:01:06.579 do because if it's not there, but I also do it 01:01:06.579 --> 01:01:09.119 for social. Like if I'm out with friends, yeah, 01:01:09.199 --> 01:01:13.179 I'll have a cigarette. But it's like not my first 01:01:13.179 --> 01:01:16.199 thought. To be like, oh, okay, I'm going to be 01:01:16.199 --> 01:01:18.659 like everything. I was like, maybe two drinks 01:01:18.659 --> 01:01:21.039 in, I might be like, yeah, I'm going to go out 01:01:21.039 --> 01:01:22.800 for a smoke with a friend. And I have done that 01:01:22.800 --> 01:01:25.239 with like a few friends, like since being here 01:01:25.239 --> 01:01:27.400 and it's like, cool, whatever. But it was kind 01:01:27.400 --> 01:01:30.739 of like that thing of like, you know, you don't 01:01:30.739 --> 01:01:32.539 get overly stressed about it. And, you know, 01:01:32.539 --> 01:01:34.079 you know, but I remember like as a kid, I was 01:01:34.079 --> 01:01:37.349 like. Well, it's also when you haven't tried 01:01:37.349 --> 01:01:41.590 anything as I'm a big proponent of trying things 01:01:41.590 --> 01:01:44.570 and knowing your boundaries, like really knowing 01:01:44.570 --> 01:01:46.849 them because you've met your boundary or gone 01:01:46.849 --> 01:01:49.550 a bit past. And like, I don't know, maybe that's 01:01:49.550 --> 01:01:52.929 not for everyone, but I'm like, you learn by 01:01:52.929 --> 01:01:55.610 making a mistake, you're going to remember that 01:01:55.610 --> 01:01:57.949 lesson. Right. But if it's all hypothetical and 01:01:57.949 --> 01:02:00.369 like when you're young, everything is. Big and 01:02:00.369 --> 01:02:02.670 scary and either way better or way worse than 01:02:02.670 --> 01:02:05.210 it actually is going to be when you experience 01:02:05.210 --> 01:02:10.170 it because it is fantasy. Well, yeah. And yeah, 01:02:10.289 --> 01:02:13.070 and I think knowing your boundaries and knowing 01:02:13.070 --> 01:02:17.489 your struggles and your tendencies is kind of 01:02:17.489 --> 01:02:20.869 the challenge. Well, I think like, you know, 01:02:20.889 --> 01:02:26.489 the thing of like just going back to doing those 01:02:26.489 --> 01:02:28.940 things as kids. Instead of being like, you know, 01:02:28.960 --> 01:02:31.619 oh, okay, you know, if you don't push yourself 01:02:31.619 --> 01:02:33.420 out of your comfort zone,

you're never going 01:02:33.420 --> 01:02:36.179 to really try anything and do anything. Like, 01:02:36.179 --> 01:02:39.659 you know, one of my favorite things to now teach 01:02:39.659 --> 01:02:42.489 is teach sport to kids. which is like, yeah, 01:02:42.769 --> 01:02:46.690 I teach Australian football and cricket. But 01:02:46.690 --> 01:02:49.090 I hated sports growing up. I used to think it 01:02:49.090 --> 01:02:50.489 was the dumbest thing ever. Yeah, it was too 01:02:50.489 --> 01:02:54.829 bad. And now I love it. I think like the whole 01:02:54.829 --> 01:02:56.730 competitiveness makes sense. I don't like it 01:02:56.730 --> 01:02:58.510 when it's overly competitive. I don't like when 01:02:58.510 --> 01:03:00.389 people are like, this team sucks. And I'm like, 01:03:00.429 --> 01:03:02.489 they're a good team. I'm like, literally, we're 01:03:02.489 --> 01:03:04.849 writing a script about that, me and my partner. 01:03:04.949 --> 01:03:07.349 It's like very top of mind for me. Well, I think 01:03:07.349 --> 01:03:11.179 it's like, you know, we, so. So there is something 01:03:11.179 --> 01:03:13.699 that I remember. So I had a co -worker in Australia 01:03:13.699 --> 01:03:17.880 who grew up and raised in Vancouver. And I remember 01:03:17.880 --> 01:03:19.880 before I moved here, he was like, you have to 01:03:19.880 --> 01:03:21.639 get into like baseball and hockey. And I was 01:03:21.639 --> 01:03:23.300 like, what are you talking about? Hockey? Yeah, 01:03:23.300 --> 01:03:25.079 I know. Literally, I just wrote hockey. I'm like. 01:03:25.530 --> 01:03:27.130 You don't need to play hockey. It's a very expensive 01:03:27.130 --> 01:03:29.889 sport to play. It's a very expensive sport. But 01:03:29.889 --> 01:03:33.050 look, heated rivalry made it a great and interesting 01:03:33.050 --> 01:03:37.610 sport. Oh, we know. The full eroticism of that 01:03:37.610 --> 01:03:40.710 shot. You know that my partner is like an ex 01:03:40.710 --> 01:03:44.929 -pro hockey player. Really? Yeah. You finished 01:03:44.929 --> 01:03:47.090 your story, but I'm like, it's like I'm learning 01:03:47.090 --> 01:03:49.590 so much about hockey and I have so much respect 01:03:49.590 --> 01:03:52.760 for the sport. Oh, I do. But I'm like, why? The 01:03:52.760 --> 01:03:56.579 fuck? Do you know that it's so funny? I did not 01:03:56.579 --> 01:03:59.059 put two and two together. So that probably, but 01:03:59.059 --> 01:04:01.699 it's like, it's so, it's, you know, like I work 01:04:01.699 --> 01:04:05.920 with one of my friends who I work with is also, 01:04:05.960 --> 01:04:10.500 he played and still does sort of semi play. He 01:04:10.500 --> 01:04:12.940 doesn't play as religiously anymore, but he like, 01:04:13.059 --> 01:04:16.659 he was like, fuck, it's like really, it's exhausting. 01:04:17.000 --> 01:04:19.380 It's fun, but it's a very intense, it's a very 01:04:19.380 --> 01:04:22.659 intense sport. And I think, You know, it's the 01:04:22.659

--> 01:04:26.440 one of the funniest things was like when seeing 01:04:26.440 --> 01:04:29.760 my first match and like, you know, it's the Leafs 01:04:29.760 --> 01:04:34.019 versus the New York Rangers. And I was like, 01:04:34.039 --> 01:04:36.010 oh, okay. the New York Rangers are probably going 01:04:36.010 --> 01:04:38.289 to win. Because this is the expectation you go 01:04:38.289 --> 01:04:40.469 in with. New York is bigger, badder. Well, it's 01:04:40.469 --> 01:04:42.889 also, you know that the Toronto Leafs are going 01:04:42.889 --> 01:04:45.289 to be sort of semi, okay, it's 50 -50 really 01:04:45.289 --> 01:04:47.590 most days. But I remember everyone was like, 01:04:47.710 --> 01:04:50.769 I remember like going in thinking, God, it's 01:04:50.769 --> 01:04:52.789 going to suck this game. And they got a penalty 01:04:52.789 --> 01:04:54.710 shot at the end and they won, like the Leafs 01:04:54.710 --> 01:04:56.570 won. But I remember it's so funny because we 01:04:56.570 --> 01:04:58.170 all cheered and we all like, you know, like, 01:04:58.230 --> 01:04:59.750 but there was the team behind it. It was just 01:04:59.750 --> 01:05:02.269 as the World Series was happening and the Blue 01:05:02.269 --> 01:05:03.809 Jays were about to get in the World Series. So 01:05:03.809 --> 01:05:05.500 it was before. anyone knew it was before that 01:05:05.500 --> 01:05:07.539 disappointment that they lost and everything 01:05:07.539 --> 01:05:09.440 it was before anyone knew i remember there was 01:05:09.440 --> 01:05:12.960 this group of men behind us who just kept going 01:05:12.960 --> 01:05:16.340 you suck to the main police like really loudly 01:05:16.340 --> 01:05:19.500 but then they would be like go blue jays go and 01:05:19.500 --> 01:05:23.000 like starting to like so bizarre to me so weird 01:05:23.000 --> 01:05:26.099 i don't understand the Sport fan. It's like I'm 01:05:26.099 --> 01:05:27.500 nodding. You're like, you know, was that time 01:05:27.500 --> 01:05:30.079 before the Blue Jays? And I'm like, I have no 01:05:30.079 --> 01:05:32.139 fucking idea what you're talking about. I'm like, 01:05:32.159 --> 01:05:33.920 was this last year? Was this five years ago? 01:05:34.239 --> 01:05:36.559 Was this 25 years ago? You were like the Leafs 01:05:36.559 --> 01:05:38.739 and I was like, wait, is Leafs hockey? Did he 01:05:38.739 --> 01:05:40.320 just get that? Did they just get that? I was 01:05:40.320 --> 01:05:43.719 like, I have no fucking idea. I don't keep track 01:05:43.719 --> 01:05:46.800 of that stuff. That's so funny. But I actually 01:05:46.800 --> 01:05:48.579 want to go back because when you're talking about 01:05:48.579 --> 01:05:51.579 sports, you're talking about kids. Yeah. And 01:05:51.579 --> 01:05:53.889 I do. I just want to retrace it for a second 01:05:53.889 --> 01:05:56.690 because I'd done my experimenting as an adult. 01:05:57.550 --> 01:06:01.829 And I think with kids, like I'm not like, go 01:06:01.829 --> 01:06:04.170 out and try things when you're young. And because 01:06:04.170 --> 01:06:07.429 I think that there is this really delicate phase 01:06:07.429 --> 01:06:09.489 where your brain is still developing and you're 01:06:09.489 --> 01:06:12.989 figuring out who you are. And you're so you're 01:06:12.989 --> 01:06:15.590 more vulnerable to social pressure also. And 01:06:15.590 --> 01:06:18.150 I do think that sport like I'm really grateful 01:06:18.150 --> 01:06:22.670 that I was busy as a kid. Like I was. I was in 01:06:22.670 --> 01:06:25.650 every fucking club or I played every sport. I 01:06:25.650 --> 01:06:27.789 was like in the plays. I was in the choir. I 01:06:27.789 --> 01:06:30.789 was on the like student council, like the dorkiest 01:06:30.789 --> 01:06:34.949 shit, all of it. But it kept me so busy and discovering 01:06:34.949 --> 01:06:37.610 new things about myself. And I and I do think 01:06:37.610 --> 01:06:42.050 that. And for sports like I my sport was boxing 01:06:42.050 --> 01:06:45.190 is very individual. And I got into that as an 01:06:45.190 --> 01:06:47.510 adult, that sort of intense, intimate kind of 01:06:47.510 --> 01:06:51.559 competition, like one on one in the ring. And 01:06:51.559 --> 01:06:57.099 that has given me so much as an adult. My knees 01:06:57.099 --> 01:07:00.380 are fucked. Like I over -trained and like, and 01:07:00.380 --> 01:07:04.320 whatever. But I do think that sport is incredible. 01:07:04.619 --> 01:07:09.619 And it's amazing when you can get kids to find 01:07:09.619 --> 01:07:11.780 one that works for them, like a sport or an outlet 01:07:11.780 --> 01:07:13.760 or a physical activity that helps them understand 01:07:13.760 --> 01:07:16.079 where to push themselves. Yeah. But I mean, like, 01:07:16.159 --> 01:07:18.260 you know, it is interesting, like, you know. 01:07:18.699 --> 01:07:20.820 that be busy because i think also like when you're 01:07:20.820 --> 01:07:23.739 a teenager and you're going you know like you 01:07:23.739 --> 01:07:25.820 know and your 20s is like everyone's like oh 01:07:25.820 --> 01:07:27.699 you'll figure yourself out in your 20s and then 01:07:27.699 --> 01:07:29.340 you get to your 30s and you're like fuck i haven't 01:07:29.340 --> 01:07:31.099 really figured myself out now i mean like you 01:07:31.099 --> 01:07:33.320 never really fucking figure yourself out i think 01:07:33.320 --> 01:07:35.440 that there is this sort of constant expectation 01:07:35.440 --> 01:07:39.480 when will i arrive when is this my like you're 01:07:39.480 --> 01:07:41.400 looking around you're like is this my adult life 01:07:41.400 --> 01:07:43.539 is this my life is this how i imagined it have 01:07:43.539 --> 01:07:45.400 i gotten there yet where am i going well i think 01:07:45.400 --> 01:07:47.980 it's also like you know we talk about experimentation 01:07:47.980 --> 01:07:52.300 and you're like fuck like you know my coming 01:07:52.300 --> 01:07:55.280 out story was

literally in my 20s like you know 01:07:55.280 --> 01:07:57.800 like not even clocking like things in my teens 01:07:57.800 --> 01:08:00.420 yeah i was like i was like what the fuck is going 01:08:00.420 --> 01:08:07.500 on like i remember um you know like dating this 01:08:07.500 --> 01:08:10.619 guy you know into my mid -20s like you know that 01:08:10.619 --> 01:08:13.719 that to me felt like such a late like decision 01:08:13.719 --> 01:08:17.840 versus so many other so many other of my friends 01:08:17.840 --> 01:08:20.739 who were like oh I knew because like you know 01:08:20.739 --> 01:08:23.279 did you have the realization also that people 01:08:23.279 --> 01:08:26.000 kind of clocked that you were a little bit like 01:08:26.000 --> 01:08:29.060 queer and you know that you were or did you sort 01:08:29.060 --> 01:08:31.699 of like take your sweet ass time to get there 01:08:31.699 --> 01:08:36.000 yeah I mean I think there was some like um receiving 01:08:36.000 --> 01:08:40.680 external clues from other people and like a I 01:08:40.680 --> 01:08:42.819 mean I'm part of it I was cast in queer roles 01:08:42.819 --> 01:08:45.140 oh so that's it you were just like oh but I was 01:08:45.140 --> 01:08:48.439 like yeah but I was like I was dating a guy and 01:08:48.439 --> 01:08:52.739 I didn't really like I'm I'm bisexual I knew 01:08:52.739 --> 01:08:55.000 I was attracted to men or at least to some men 01:08:55.000 --> 01:08:57.739 like I was like that exists that's not that doesn't 01:08:57.739 --> 01:09:04.670 feel fake um and I think that I wasn't exploring 01:09:04.670 --> 01:09:07.350 other things in this moment in time, like right 01:09:07.350 --> 01:09:10.529 before I came out, because I was in a relationship. 01:09:10.729 --> 01:09:15.409 But it was playing queer roles and being cast 01:09:15.409 --> 01:09:18.449 as that. And it was before. Now, sometimes in 01:09:18.449 --> 01:09:20.670 the industry, they actually sort of want to check 01:09:20.670 --> 01:09:24.050 if you're queer or not. And sometimes there's 01:09:24.050 --> 01:09:28.189 this delicate dance where they want the representation 01:09:28.189 --> 01:09:36.569 in certain roles. But at the time, it was just 01:09:36.569 --> 01:09:40.029 like, oh, I couldn't imagine what this would 01:09:40.029 --> 01:09:43.649 feel like or what this would be. And I mean, 01:09:43.649 --> 01:09:45.470 that is the challenge. If you can imagine something 01:09:45.470 --> 01:09:47.569 and make it your reality, then you're introducing 01:09:47.569 --> 01:09:50.029 yourself to other ways of living that you wouldn't 01:09:50.029 --> 01:09:53.470 entertain before. And then something resonates 01:09:53.470 --> 01:09:56.829 that you never would have had the chance to acknowledge 01:09:56.829 --> 01:10:01.319 or see. So, yeah, there were clues and there 01:10:01.319 --> 01:10:03.520 were things that I thought about and that I connected 01:10:03.520 --> 01:10:07.560 with. And then it was sort of playing these roles 01:10:07.560 --> 01:10:09.239 and connecting with the queer community that 01:10:09.239 --> 01:10:12.520 really solidified an understanding that that 01:10:12.520 --> 01:10:17.000 is part of who I am. Which I love. I mean, you 01:10:17.000 --> 01:10:20.779 know, did you have the sort of like realization, 01:10:20.899 --> 01:10:23.399 though, as these queer roles were happening and 01:10:23.399 --> 01:10:26.739 just like your brain clocking in to being like... 01:10:27.310 --> 01:10:30.270 the emotional resonance of like where parts of 01:10:30.270 --> 01:10:33.010 your life you had sort of gone, oh shit, I hadn't 01:10:33.010 --> 01:10:35.369 really. Yeah, reframing memories. Yeah, like 01:10:35.369 --> 01:10:37.729 re -looking through parts of your life. Creating 01:10:37.729 --> 01:10:40.569 new fantasy. But I mean, this happens a lot with 01:10:40.569 --> 01:10:43.949 acting for me, at least where every role, like 01:10:43.949 --> 01:10:46.890 the bigger roles that I play do affect me. Yeah. 01:10:48.250 --> 01:10:53.409 And it opens up new ideas or ways of being. Yeah. 01:10:53.470 --> 01:10:58.690 I think it's also like the thing of like, um, 01:10:58.690 --> 01:11:04.329 just what you can do as, uh, as people, you know, 01:11:04.350 --> 01:11:07.609 like one of the, um, you know, the things we 01:11:07.609 --> 01:11:10.670 do. Yeah, I know. I know the things we do, but 01:11:10.670 --> 01:11:14.350 you know, like the, the way we sort of structure 01:11:14.350 --> 01:11:16.869 ourselves and, you know, like the less is more, 01:11:16.970 --> 01:11:19.350 or what can we sort of like piece together from 01:11:19.350 --> 01:11:22.270 like aspects of my life? Because I, I deeply 01:11:22.270 --> 01:11:26.890 had, um, I, you know, always was loving questions. 01:11:26.970 --> 01:11:29.470 Like that was my favorite thing as a kid was 01:11:29.470 --> 01:11:31.689 always to ask people questions, even if it wasn't 01:11:31.689 --> 01:11:34.550 appropriate to questions to ask, but just to 01:11:34.550 --> 01:11:38.750 be like, why this? Why that? And no more. And 01:11:38.750 --> 01:11:41.770 some people would be like, that's too much knowledge. 01:11:41.810 --> 01:11:43.989 But I think like in the arts, it's like really 01:11:43.989 --> 01:11:46.430 prevalent. Like we are, because, you know, like, 01:11:46.510 --> 01:11:50.689 you know, as performers and, you know, we want 01:11:50.689 --> 01:11:54.460 to know. We want to absorb as much. There's a 01:11:54.460 --> 01:11:56.880 really active curiosity. It's something that 01:11:56.880 --> 01:12:00.100 I really love about myself is my curiosity. It 01:12:00.100 --> 01:12:04.039 feels insatiable. And that's a comfort to me. 01:12:04.100 --> 01:12:06.039 It's something that I identify with that I'm 01:12:06.039 --> 01:12:08.840 never like, I'm always going to be wanting to 01:12:08.840 --> 01:12:13.750 learn and understand more. But also. I don't 01:12:13.750 --> 01:12:16.229 know

these these attributes like as you as we 01:12:16.229 --> 01:12:19.010 grow up, we start to calcify and define who we 01:12:19.010 --> 01:12:20.970 are in our personality because we have to express 01:12:20.970 --> 01:12:23.789 that to other people. We we use that to sort 01:12:23.789 --> 01:12:26.949 of guide our choices in our behavior. But it 01:12:26.949 --> 01:12:30.149 it's I don't know, maybe it's just being an actor 01:12:30.149 --> 01:12:35.109 really makes me look at it differently. But it 01:12:35.109 --> 01:12:39.050 all feels it's a little bit of a construct. It's 01:12:39.050 --> 01:12:41.810 actually like defense mechanisms and some of 01:12:41.810 --> 01:12:45.109 it is like. completely arbitrary yeah it's like 01:12:45.109 --> 01:12:50.130 we i think there's a danger in identifying too 01:12:50.130 --> 01:12:53.270 much with a personality trait that you have or 01:12:53.270 --> 01:12:55.390 something about yourself that you're like i'm 01:12:55.390 --> 01:12:58.390 this type of person or i do this all the time 01:12:58.390 --> 01:13:02.470 it's like we have power to change our patterns 01:13:02.470 --> 01:13:06.449 of being but we have to define our values at 01:13:06.449 --> 01:13:11.119 a deeper level i think um there's a lot of superficial 01:13:11.119 --> 01:13:14.899 attributes that we become attached to that are 01:13:14.899 --> 01:13:18.680 mutable and we don't realize and i think like 01:13:18.680 --> 01:13:21.439 having adhd and then going on medication and 01:13:21.439 --> 01:13:24.199 realizing that some of these personality flaws 01:13:24.199 --> 01:13:27.420 that i thought i had or or attributes i thought 01:13:27.420 --> 01:13:30.579 there were these i thought i was stuck with some 01:13:30.579 --> 01:13:36.359 ways of being but i wasn't i could form new patterns 01:13:36.359 --> 01:13:39.909 and new habits and some personality traits kind 01:13:39.909 --> 01:13:43.189 of disappeared because they were maybe coping 01:13:43.189 --> 01:13:49.949 mechanisms. Yeah, I just... Anyways, I don't 01:13:49.949 --> 01:13:51.409 know what that tangent was about. No, I love 01:13:51.409 --> 01:13:55.670 it. Becoming an adult? Yeah, well, I mean, do 01:13:55.670 --> 01:13:58.369 you feel like you've grown? Do I feel like I'm 01:13:58.369 --> 01:14:00.869 an adult? Why the fuck would you ask me that? 01:14:00.869 --> 01:14:06.109 That is so inappropriate. Yeah, I think I'm arriving 01:14:06.109 --> 01:14:09.350 in my adult era. Yeah. I do that. I do think 01:14:09.350 --> 01:14:12.449 that. I feel less like I need to run away than 01:14:12.449 --> 01:14:15.109 I have at any other point in my life. Which is 01:14:15.109 --> 01:14:19.430 great. Yeah. I mean, like, you know, it scares 01:14:19.430 --> 01:14:21.789 me every so often, like, you know, someone will 01:14:21.789 --> 01:14:23.470 be like, this is adulting or, you know, like, 01:14:23.569 --> 01:14:26.689 whatever. But, you know, like, you know, particularly 01:14:26.689 --> 01:14:33.449 the sort of one attribute that I remember was, 01:14:33.729 --> 01:14:37.170 you know, sort of always looking at, you know, 01:14:37.210 --> 01:14:39.520 like, parents getting older and you know like 01:14:39.520 --> 01:14:42.180 one thing I think was when I look back and like 01:14:42.180 --> 01:14:45.300 my dad when he passed away was sort of like that 01:14:45.300 --> 01:14:47.619 you know has a strange sort of feeling because 01:14:47.619 --> 01:14:50.659 you think the people who brought you into this 01:14:50.659 --> 01:14:52.819 world are immortal and they sort of like are 01:14:52.819 --> 01:14:59.079 like part of your life and they're not they're 01:14:59.079 --> 01:15:01.960 human like everyone else and that to me is suddenly 01:15:01.960 --> 01:15:04.960 like oh you've got to kind of just like adult 01:15:04.960 --> 01:15:08.579 and move on and the real like That was the biggest. 01:15:08.600 --> 01:15:11.319 Because dealing with grief is an adult thing 01:15:11.319 --> 01:15:14.699 to do. Yeah. Is what you're saying. Yeah. Well, 01:15:14.779 --> 01:15:16.979 I think it's like not even that. It's just you 01:15:16.979 --> 01:15:21.819 realize how like how many people and this is 01:15:21.819 --> 01:15:24.260 always such a curiosity thing. It's like you 01:15:24.260 --> 01:15:29.800 realize how many people don't really like adults. 01:15:29.920 --> 01:15:32.319 They just kind of like. They don't like sit and 01:15:32.319 --> 01:15:34.899 deal. They don't deal with whatever. They don't 01:15:34.899 --> 01:15:38.359 deal. No, you can just. avoid you can avoid like 01:15:38.359 --> 01:15:41.680 you can you could go your whole we we all know 01:15:41.680 --> 01:15:46.140 old people like this yes who have shockingly 01:15:46.140 --> 01:15:48.760 managed to avoid dealing with their shit their 01:15:48.760 --> 01:15:50.579 entire life and everyone around them has kind 01:15:50.579 --> 01:15:54.739 of paid the price yeah and you know like um i 01:15:54.739 --> 01:15:57.840 think like someone asked anthony hopkins uh of 01:15:57.840 --> 01:16:00.550 all people like about You know, because he doesn't 01:16:00.550 --> 01:16:02.909 talk to his family. He doesn't talk to his daughters. 01:16:02.909 --> 01:16:04.350 He doesn't have a good relationship with them. 01:16:04.569 --> 01:16:06.670 And they were like, oh, does this affect you? 01:16:06.710 --> 01:16:10.029 And I was like, no. And I was like, that is insane 01:16:10.029 --> 01:16:13.909 to me. And I get like, but I'm like, you know. 01:16:14.510 --> 01:16:18.010 Well, maybe he's a psychopath. I don't know. 01:16:18.149 --> 01:16:19.750 I don't know him. No, I know. I'm not going to 01:16:19.750 --> 01:16:21.989 judge. Well, here this is also the interesting 01:16:21.989 --> 01:16:25.869 thing. So people have nowadays much more of a 01:16:25.869 --> 01:16:29.590 parasocial relation with. With everyone. Like, 01:16:29.590 --> 01:16:31.609 you know, we talk about. So, like,

could you 01:16:31.609 --> 01:16:36.949 for me. So, parasocial as in, like, slightly, 01:16:37.170 --> 01:16:40.409 like, less social. Could you define parasocial 01:16:40.409 --> 01:16:42.590 for me? So, parasocial is the idea of, like, 01:16:42.630 --> 01:16:47.510 say you're a celebrity. And everyone goes, oh, 01:16:47.550 --> 01:16:50.289 I know them. I know them. Without ever having 01:16:50.289 --> 01:16:53.010 spoken to them. However, you know, but seeing 01:16:53.010 --> 01:16:55.710 them in everything. So, someone could be, like, 01:16:55.710 --> 01:16:58.109 a massive fan and be like, oh, I know Nicolette. 01:16:58.470 --> 01:17:01.210 I know Nicolette because I've seen her in XYZ, 01:17:01.270 --> 01:17:03.270 XYZ, and XYZ. And I watched all her interviews. 01:17:03.449 --> 01:17:05.689 I know her. Like Taylor Swift. Everyone's like, 01:17:05.750 --> 01:17:08.869 I know Taylor dated XYZ. It's like one -sided 01:17:08.869 --> 01:17:12.729 or it's like superficial or only partially real. 01:17:12.829 --> 01:17:15.609 Yeah. And people make up their entire lives. 01:17:15.850 --> 01:17:21.930 Yeah. Yes. Based around these people. And there 01:17:21.930 --> 01:17:24.470 is nothing with the... Honestly, like I'm a massive 01:17:24.470 --> 01:17:27.850 nerd for fictional characters. I have a parasocial 01:17:27.850 --> 01:17:30.210 relationship with people who don't exist. Yes, 01:17:30.229 --> 01:17:35.430 absolutely. You know, like many are fantasy books 01:17:35.430 --> 01:17:37.909 and many are science fiction stories will be 01:17:37.909 --> 01:17:40.149 living rent -free in my head forever. Forever. 01:17:40.729 --> 01:17:43.149 But, you know, real people, I'm like, no, they've 01:17:43.149 --> 01:17:44.810 got their own personal lives, their own private 01:17:44.810 --> 01:17:48.729 lives. So, I mean, like, do you ever get scared 01:17:48.729 --> 01:17:52.060 of like... as adulting the fame aspect of you 01:17:52.060 --> 01:17:54.159 getting more famous as time goes on does that 01:17:54.159 --> 01:17:55.840 ever scare you where like people will be like 01:17:55.840 --> 01:17:59.060 oh i know you and have a giant wikipedia page 01:17:59.060 --> 01:18:02.359 it's interesting i think i avoid googling myself 01:18:02.359 --> 01:18:06.520 because i like there's crazy stuff on the internet 01:18:06.520 --> 01:18:12.359 yeah i'm like what um but uh there is something 01:18:12.359 --> 01:18:14.920 about control and i think as i've gotten older 01:18:14.920 --> 01:18:19.020 i've i've I realized the ways that I am a control 01:18:19.020 --> 01:18:22.659 freak and I never thought that I was. But part 01:18:22.659 --> 01:18:25.239 of that is the radical acceptance of what is 01:18:25.239 --> 01:18:28.460 not in my control. And that starts like I've 01:18:28.460 --> 01:18:30.159 talked about it very early in the industry where 01:18:30.159 --> 01:18:32.439 like some of this isn't I don't get to choose 01:18:32.439 --> 01:18:35.140 the jobs that I

get or have access to. There's 01:18:35.140 --> 01:18:37.880 a lot that's out of my control. So I heavily 01:18:37.880 --> 01:18:41.680 want to control what is in my control so that 01:18:41.680 --> 01:18:45.399 I can receive. the satisfaction, the gratification 01:18:45.399 --> 01:18:47.600 I can identify with accomplishing something. 01:18:48.039 --> 01:18:53.300 And I think this sort of parasocial aspect is 01:18:53.300 --> 01:18:56.880 interesting to me that I have a persona that 01:18:56.880 --> 01:19:02.060 exists out there that isn't actually me, that 01:19:02.060 --> 01:19:05.399 I can feed into and contribute to. And definitely, 01:19:05.520 --> 01:19:08.140 I don't think about it in terms of the jobs that 01:19:08.140 --> 01:19:12.020 I do. That's not how I make my decision. Like 01:19:12.020 --> 01:19:16.319 my last film, there's nudity in the film and 01:19:16.319 --> 01:19:19.340 there's sex scenes. And the decision was not, 01:19:19.380 --> 01:19:21.479 am I okay with that being out there? It was, 01:19:21.560 --> 01:19:26.220 do I identify with this character? Is like, do 01:19:26.220 --> 01:19:30.060 I think this is going to be a positive experience 01:19:30.060 --> 01:19:33.140 on set with a director? Why is it here in the 01:19:33.140 --> 01:19:36.079 story? Does it serve a purpose? Some of that 01:19:36.079 --> 01:19:38.380 is imperfect and a lot of that I don't have control 01:19:38.380 --> 01:19:42.720 over. But my thought was not. You know, you have 01:19:42.720 --> 01:19:45.460 thoughts of like images, things are abused on 01:19:45.460 --> 01:19:47.619 the Internet, but that has nothing to do with 01:19:47.619 --> 01:19:52.260 me, really. And I think it's like protecting 01:19:52.260 --> 01:19:55.079 what is real in your life and making sure that 01:19:55.079 --> 01:19:58.739 you have something real happening that takes 01:19:58.739 --> 01:20:00.960 up your attention so that you're not distracted 01:20:00.960 --> 01:20:08.039 by what isn't real. Yes. And my partner has. 01:20:08.779 --> 01:20:11.600 uh, is sort of like a figure as I was actually 01:20:11.600 --> 01:20:15.600 in heated rivalry and has a big following. Um, 01:20:15.840 --> 01:20:19.739 and I watch him trying to navigate this because 01:20:19.739 --> 01:20:24.079 there's a lot of attention coming at him and 01:20:24.079 --> 01:20:26.680 it's like the brain space. Like I can tell if 01:20:26.680 --> 01:20:29.260 he's been on his phone or been on Instagram because 01:20:29.260 --> 01:20:31.739 there's this like slight, it's the way that I 01:20:31.739 --> 01:20:34.100 get if I'm. reading a book that i'm really into 01:20:34.100 --> 01:20:36.579 and can't extricate myself from where it's like 01:20:36.579 --> 01:20:40.619 you're kind of vacant um but i think it's like 01:20:40.619 --> 01:20:44.020 we talk about what kind of boundaries to have 01:20:44.020 --> 01:20:47.479 there and for just for the sake of your own mental 01:20:47.479 --> 01:20:51.420 health yeah

well i think that's also yeah it 01:20:51.420 --> 01:20:55.779 it's very prevalent just to be like um the level 01:20:55.779 --> 01:21:01.140 of just what other people will think and or what 01:21:01.140 --> 01:21:04.479 other people will choose to think about you know 01:21:04.479 --> 01:21:08.020 xyz um and you you don't have control because 01:21:08.020 --> 01:21:10.939 that's all just a projection of their own assumptions 01:21:10.939 --> 01:21:13.380 their circumstances it's all them projecting 01:21:13.380 --> 01:21:16.180 something onto you from their lives which you 01:21:16.180 --> 01:21:19.779 know like that full autonomy that you know we 01:21:21.200 --> 01:21:23.279 Because it's so interesting as well because I 01:21:23.279 --> 01:21:26.779 hate social media. I have a loathing for it because 01:21:26.779 --> 01:21:29.560 I'm a kid of the 90s. You don't love recipe videos? 01:21:29.859 --> 01:21:32.640 No, I do. Or little kiddie videos? I love little 01:21:32.640 --> 01:21:34.760 kiddie videos and I love recipe videos. Craft 01:21:34.760 --> 01:21:37.260 videos? I've learned a lot. Have I told you about 01:21:37.260 --> 01:21:39.840 my tile table project? Don't. It'll take all 01:21:39.840 --> 01:21:44.279 day. This makes us sound really odd. By the way, 01:21:44.300 --> 01:21:46.979 cooking videos, we don't watch anything else. 01:21:46.979 --> 01:21:50.800 That is like a universally safe space. Everyone 01:21:50.800 --> 01:21:53.279 is like, fuck social media. But yeah, the recipe 01:21:53.279 --> 01:21:56.500 videos, absolutely. No, my favorite is like following 01:21:56.500 --> 01:22:01.739 Dylan Hollis and his like little 1940s or 1920s 01:22:01.739 --> 01:22:03.930 recipes that he finds. I don't know who this 01:22:03.930 --> 01:22:06.390 is, but my phone is going. No, my phone will 01:22:06.390 --> 01:22:08.470 do it for me. Oh, yeah. It's listening in on 01:22:08.470 --> 01:22:10.250 our conversation. And we're like, Dylan Hall 01:22:10.250 --> 01:22:13.550 is absolutely like. So excited. But, you know, 01:22:13.550 --> 01:22:16.529 that is the sort of like zeitgeist that I sort 01:22:16.529 --> 01:22:20.770 of like, you know, I as I sort of like constantly 01:22:20.770 --> 01:22:22.949 been like, oh, business brand, like, you know, 01:22:22.949 --> 01:22:25.069 promote, promote, promote. But I'm also like, 01:22:25.170 --> 01:22:28.789 fuck, you know, I really don't. want to look 01:22:28.789 --> 01:22:31.149 at the likes or the, you know, like sometimes 01:22:31.149 --> 01:22:32.630 I just want to switch off my brain. Or keep trying 01:22:32.630 --> 01:22:34.890 to see yourself from the outside. That's what 01:22:34.890 --> 01:22:37.409 kind of, even like picking headshots or like 01:22:37.409 --> 01:22:40.630 shooting audition tapes and deciding which one 01:22:40.630 --> 01:22:46.310 to send. It is, I think it is detrimental to 01:22:46.310 --> 01:22:49.250 your mental health if instead of being present 01:22:49.250 --> 01:22:51.670 in your life, you're having to observe your life. 01:22:52.159 --> 01:22:54.260 And not only observe it, but observe it from 01:22:54.260 --> 01:22:57.319 someone else's perspective in order to meet a 01:22:57.319 --> 01:23:00.359 standard or someone else's expectations. And 01:23:00.359 --> 01:23:03.159 it's so simple, but I think you can get trapped 01:23:03.159 --> 01:23:11.479 in just not even cognitively connecting to the 01:23:11.479 --> 01:23:15.500 activity that you love the most. Yeah. Yeah. 01:23:15.779 --> 01:23:21.619 I think that's so... Yeah, I mean, like, it just, 01:23:21.640 --> 01:23:26.979 it does feel like, for me, cognitively connecting. 01:23:27.319 --> 01:23:31.439 I'm saying that. Cognitively connecting. Just 01:23:31.439 --> 01:23:36.220 like my, just like cognitively connecting. To 01:23:36.220 --> 01:23:40.760 connect cognitively. With cognition. Connection. 01:23:41.390 --> 01:23:46.630 Avec cognition. Sorry, go ahead. Let me interrupt 01:23:46.630 --> 01:23:50.010 you one more time. No, go ahead. But I do like 01:23:50.010 --> 01:23:53.609 that, you know, like the thing is like, you know, 01:23:53.609 --> 01:23:55.569 to look at myself objectively from the outside, 01:23:55.670 --> 01:23:57.770 to look at yourself and to look at our careers 01:23:57.770 --> 01:24:00.569 and be like, oh, okay, how have we done? Have 01:24:00.569 --> 01:24:02.930 we adulted well enough? Have we done X, Y, Z 01:24:02.930 --> 01:24:07.430 to mirror that be enough? We're both like, you 01:24:07.430 --> 01:24:10.140 know. And to be perceived that way. People look 01:24:10.140 --> 01:24:12.420 at us, both of us, going, we've got successful 01:24:12.420 --> 01:24:15.079 careers. And we look at each other going, you've 01:24:15.079 --> 01:24:17.020 got a successful career. I've never thought that. 01:24:18.039 --> 01:24:21.300 Get the fuck out. You're like, what a lame ass. 01:24:21.399 --> 01:24:26.539 Why am I here? No, not at all. But yeah, someone's 01:24:26.539 --> 01:24:28.479 doing a thing and you connect with them in that 01:24:28.479 --> 01:24:30.600 moment when they're doing the thing. So you assume 01:24:30.600 --> 01:24:33.899 success. They're doing it. You don't see all 01:24:33.899 --> 01:24:35.760 the self -doubt and the moments before and the 01:24:35.760 --> 01:24:37.819 failures. No. And I think that's sort of like 01:24:37.819 --> 01:24:41.479 the, you know, if you went back in time, if you 01:24:41.479 --> 01:24:46.100 went back to young Nicolette and went, hey, girl. 01:24:46.359 --> 01:24:48.699 Hey, girl. You got this. Your hair's so good, 01:24:48.739 --> 01:24:51.739 girl. Yes, so good, girl. I mean, like, what 01:24:51.739 --> 01:24:53.380 would you tell her? What advice would you give? 01:24:54.619 --> 01:25:00.180 You're doing fine. And still, still, I'm so hard 01:25:00.180 --> 01:25:03.979 on myself. Yeah. I'm so hard on myself. And it 01:25:03.979 --> 01:25:07.060 is getting in the way of everything.

And it's 01:25:07.060 --> 01:25:12.399 like, it's just, it's this mental, it's this 01:25:12.399 --> 01:25:15.739 cognitive tick where it feels so good to be hard 01:25:15.739 --> 01:25:17.600 on myself and to tell myself what I'm doing wrong 01:25:17.600 --> 01:25:20.800 so that I can try to find a way to move forward 01:25:20.800 --> 01:25:23.420 and do differently. But it destroys, it destroys 01:25:23.420 --> 01:25:26.800 joy and satisfaction. And it's like, it's so 01:25:26.800 --> 01:25:31.539 hard for me to say, I did a great job. I crushed 01:25:31.539 --> 01:25:37.750 that. I look great today. You do. I chose a great 01:25:37.750 --> 01:25:41.149 outfit. Yeah. I'm having a great conversation 01:25:41.149 --> 01:25:44.069 and I'm saying everything I need to say. And 01:25:44.069 --> 01:25:45.609 this is really witty and people will love this 01:25:45.609 --> 01:25:50.210 conversation. I'm just spouting this shit out 01:25:50.210 --> 01:25:54.390 and I'm having a physical reaction of discomfort 01:25:54.390 --> 01:25:59.630 because it just feels untrue. Yeah. But it's, 01:25:59.750 --> 01:26:02.250 you know, and going back to saying that, you 01:26:02.250 --> 01:26:04.869 do look amazing today and your hair does look 01:26:04.869 --> 01:26:11.909 great. But also, like, you know, I sort of wholeheartedly, 01:26:12.010 --> 01:26:14.170 you know, it's like we were, you know, I hadn't 01:26:14.170 --> 01:26:16.310 recorded in two years. You know, you were nervous 01:26:16.310 --> 01:26:18.289 about coming on as well. Like we were both like, 01:26:18.369 --> 01:26:21.630 you know, that comes with its own self -doubt 01:26:21.630 --> 01:26:24.649 and, you know, fuck it, we are great at what 01:26:24.649 --> 01:26:27.029 we do. So I think it's always interesting because, 01:26:28.320 --> 01:26:32.180 For the disbelievers out there who, you know, 01:26:32.199 --> 01:26:37.880 it's just, it's always that kick in the butt. 01:26:37.960 --> 01:26:40.840 Like, I think my biggest cheerleader, and, you 01:26:40.840 --> 01:26:42.359 know, it's been one of the best things ever. 01:26:42.460 --> 01:26:44.600 It's like, Em and I are our cheerleaders for 01:26:44.600 --> 01:26:46.380 each other. That's really important. And, you 01:26:46.380 --> 01:26:51.359 know, like, I remember, you know, every project 01:26:51.359 --> 01:26:53.880 I've ever done. You know, like she's been like, 01:26:53.939 --> 01:26:55.300 oh my God, this is great. You know, like this 01:26:55.300 --> 01:26:58.579 is fantastic. I'm glad you're doing this. But 01:26:58.579 --> 01:27:01.020 it does, you need that because someone needs 01:27:01.020 --> 01:27:04.220 to believe in you. Yeah, it's really okay to 01:27:04.220 --> 01:27:06.520 need external validation sometimes from the right 01:27:06.520 --> 01:27:10.380 person and from like a healthy place. Yeah. But 01:27:10.380 --> 01:27:12.720 I think also the one thing is like, and this 01:27:12.720 --> 01:27:14.800 is the best advice I ever got, no one cares about 01:27:14.800 --> 01:27:17.199 your project more than you do. So that is also 01:27:17.199 --> 01:27:19.699 okay. You are going to be your biggest fan of 01:27:19.699 --> 01:27:23.100 the thing you are working on. You hope so. You 01:27:23.100 --> 01:27:25.479 hope so. I fucking hope so. You hope that you 01:27:25.479 --> 01:27:26.899 care a lot about what you're doing, that you 01:27:26.899 --> 01:27:29.060 should be so lucky. But yeah, and also people 01:27:29.060 --> 01:27:30.720 are thinking about themselves. Yes. They're not 01:27:30.720 --> 01:27:32.779 thinking about you. No. That's the thing. And 01:27:32.779 --> 01:27:36.020 it's the same when you go to the gym. When you're 01:27:36.020 --> 01:27:40.439 in the gym, everyone else is thinking about what 01:27:40.439 --> 01:27:42.939 they're doing. They're also thinking, God, everyone 01:27:42.939 --> 01:27:46.020 probably thinks I suck in here. But you're all 01:27:46.020 --> 01:27:48.899 in the same boat. It's life. You and I have different 01:27:48.899 --> 01:27:54.619 experiences at the gym. Everyone's like, oh my 01:27:54.619 --> 01:27:56.079 God, Nicolette. I don't know what I'm doing, 01:27:56.220 --> 01:28:01.699 but I am like, don't look at me. No, but I think, 01:28:01.699 --> 01:28:04.600 I think that is, it's a very good point. And 01:28:04.600 --> 01:28:06.680 everyone is focused on themselves and it's really 01:28:06.680 --> 01:28:08.819 vulnerable. Like being in the gym, being in a 01:28:08.819 --> 01:28:12.439 public forum, being observed is vulnerable. Yeah. 01:28:14.579 --> 01:28:18.130 Yeah. I mean, you know. Just being human. That 01:28:18.130 --> 01:28:20.770 is adulting though. That is like adulting is 01:28:20.770 --> 01:28:23.729 dealing with the uncomfortable and dealing with. 01:28:24.109 --> 01:28:27.289 That's not trying to avoid this. Literally, I'm 01:28:27.289 --> 01:28:29.470 talking about this in therapy right now. But 01:28:29.470 --> 01:28:32.630 this idea of ease versus struggle, like I find 01:28:32.630 --> 01:28:37.630 myself mentally exiting a moment and like planning 01:28:37.630 --> 01:28:40.460 when am I like, when is the next point of. ease 01:28:40.460 --> 01:28:42.319 of non -conflict and often that's being alone 01:28:42.319 --> 01:28:44.399 because sometimes so often social situations 01:28:44.399 --> 01:28:46.560 come with their own sort of struggle or anxiety 01:28:46.560 --> 01:28:51.340 and uh when am i next going to be alone or eating 01:28:51.340 --> 01:28:55.819 something delicious or in the sun like looking 01:28:55.819 --> 01:28:58.960 for that next moment of ease as and judging the 01:28:58.960 --> 01:29:02.680 struggle And what happens if I'm constantly avoiding 01:29:02.680 --> 01:29:05.960 struggle and avoiding that like emotional turmoil 01:29:05.960 --> 01:29:08.800 because I'm afraid I won't be able to recalibrate, 01:29:08.979 --> 01:29:12.439 then I'm actually missing out on the really good

01:29:12.439 --> 01:29:17.020 shit because good stuff comes out of that. And 01:29:17.020 --> 01:29:18.560 you challenge yourself and you learn something 01:29:18.560 --> 01:29:21.739 and you build trust in yourself. But if you're 01:29:21.739 --> 01:29:24.500 always just like think about retirement, the 01:29:24.500 --> 01:29:28.939 idea that I'm working my whole life to a point 01:29:28.939 --> 01:29:32.439 where everything will be. easeful and i can just 01:29:32.439 --> 01:29:36.020 travel and i'll have all my savings it's such 01:29:36.020 --> 01:29:39.479 like it's such a fucked up way to live to be 01:29:39.479 --> 01:29:44.880 looking for relaxation rather than really appreciating 01:29:44.880 --> 01:29:48.460 that the struggle is it yeah to not run away 01:29:48.460 --> 01:29:52.100 from it and with art like struggle and discourse 01:29:52.100 --> 01:29:57.460 disagreement it's it's potent it It's the catalyst 01:29:57.460 --> 01:30:01.380 for new ideas that you couldn't have come up 01:30:01.380 --> 01:30:05.859 with on your own. Okay, that's my spiel on struggle. 01:30:05.859 --> 01:30:08.699 I love that. I'm done. You're done. I'm done 01:30:08.699 --> 01:30:10.460 with the spiel of struggle. I'm done with the 01:30:10.460 --> 01:30:12.680 struggle spiel. I mean, honestly, it was a great 01:30:12.680 --> 01:30:16.800 struggle spiel. I struggled with it. I'm criticizing 01:30:16.800 --> 01:30:19.340 myself right now. Don't get out. I think it was 01:30:19.340 --> 01:30:23.520 repetitive. It's just like it's too long. It 01:30:23.520 --> 01:30:25.600 needed to be short and sweet. Yeah, so sorry 01:30:25.600 --> 01:30:28.140 about that. No, but I really do sort of think 01:30:28.140 --> 01:30:31.220 about like retirement and stuff. You do? No, 01:30:31.359 --> 01:30:34.000 because only for the fact that like, you know, 01:30:34.000 --> 01:30:37.579 it is kind of a constant like, you know, you 01:30:37.579 --> 01:30:39.760 retire. But I'm also reminded of like, again, 01:30:39.779 --> 01:30:41.239 like you were saying, being in the present, like, 01:30:41.279 --> 01:30:43.819 you know, travel now because you might not get 01:30:43.819 --> 01:30:45.720 able to travel. You know, like, you know, my 01:30:45.720 --> 01:30:47.760 dad was 67 when he passed away. He was way too 01:30:47.760 --> 01:30:51.520 young. But it's like the thing that. My mom decided 01:30:51.520 --> 01:30:56.159 after he died was she, she's like, she's almost 01:30:56.159 --> 01:30:58.140 70. She's a couple of years away from being 70. 01:30:58.819 --> 01:31:02.140 And I remember saying to her, like, don't stop 01:31:02.140 --> 01:31:04.899 traveling because dad was a massive traveler. 01:31:04.960 --> 01:31:06.920 And he was like, he would have loved. And she's 01:31:06.920 --> 01:31:08.119 like, no, I'm not going to stop. Like, I'm going 01:31:08.119 --> 01:31:10.039 to still travel. Probably not to all the countries 01:31:10.039 --> 01:31:12.260 that he wanted to go

to, but like other countries 01:31:12.260 --> 01:31:15.319 that I want to go to. And it is a thing. Like 01:31:15.319 --> 01:31:17.420 she's done things around her house that she wanted 01:31:17.420 --> 01:31:20.579 to update. And now that it's just her, she gets 01:31:20.579 --> 01:31:22.739 to do the, like, not that he prevented, but it 01:31:22.739 --> 01:31:24.680 was just like, she doesn't have to ask him for 01:31:24.680 --> 01:31:26.380 permission. So it's sort of like easy just to 01:31:26.380 --> 01:31:29.319 get things done. And there were just little things 01:31:29.319 --> 01:31:31.520 where she's like, I miss him. But also like, 01:31:31.579 --> 01:31:33.340 I get to do all these wonderful things that I 01:31:33.340 --> 01:31:37.380 get to like experience life because he, he didn't 01:31:37.380 --> 01:31:39.600 get, you know, long enough retirement. And so 01:31:39.600 --> 01:31:42.039 therefore it's like, why are we waiting? When 01:31:42.039 --> 01:31:45.460 we literally could also die before we get to 01:31:45.460 --> 01:31:47.539 return. I mean, I think that is also our generation. 01:31:47.840 --> 01:31:51.159 Yeah. Well, we see it from the perspective of 01:31:51.159 --> 01:31:54.760 like, oh, well, you know, also through the fact 01:31:54.760 --> 01:31:57.199 that we've all got cameras and phones and we've 01:31:57.199 --> 01:31:59.500 seen people in videos who are no longer around, 01:31:59.640 --> 01:32:02.720 that we can sort of like measure that time length 01:32:02.720 --> 01:32:06.380 a lot better than prior to that where you didn't 01:32:06.380 --> 01:32:09.100 have a time length and you can sort of see you 01:32:09.100 --> 01:32:11.539 didn't know. You just didn't know. Modern medicine, 01:32:11.680 --> 01:32:16.340 amazing. Yeah. But also, you know, like miraculously 01:32:16.340 --> 01:32:19.199 some things do, you know, can't be prevented. 01:32:20.439 --> 01:32:25.380 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The future feels, I was never 01:32:25.380 --> 01:32:27.659 a planner. The future feels like imaginary and 01:32:27.659 --> 01:32:30.859 hypothetical. Your ADHD did not allow you. My 01:32:30.859 --> 01:32:35.720 sense of time is. Off the rocks. Is that an expression? 01:32:36.060 --> 01:32:39.460 Well, I mean, on the rocks. Off the rocks is 01:32:39.460 --> 01:32:42.319 just. He's off his rocket. My sense of time is 01:32:42.319 --> 01:32:45.319 not normal. Like you're saying. Was I talking 01:32:45.319 --> 01:32:47.180 about rocks for five minutes or five seconds? 01:32:47.199 --> 01:32:51.600 I honestly have no idea. I don't know either. 01:32:51.760 --> 01:32:53.819 But I mean, like, you know, that is the thing. 01:32:53.960 --> 01:32:56.359 And I think, like, do you, what are you looking 01:32:56.359 --> 01:32:59.520 forward to, I guess, out of this year? What is 01:32:59.520 --> 01:33:02.460 Nicolette? Looking forward to out of the rest 01:33:02.460 --> 01:33:07.319 of this year. I, yeah, absolutely. It's a planner. 01:33:08.699 --> 01:33:10.960 Well, there are, there are certain things. I'm, 01:33:10.960 --> 01:33:14.079 me and my partner are writing a feature script, 01:33:14.159 --> 01:33:16.539 which is based on our short film Pink Light. 01:33:17.100 --> 01:33:21.699 That was at TIFF last year. And so this, it has 01:33:21.699 --> 01:33:26.979 been a really confronting time. I also. Like 01:33:26.979 --> 01:33:31.000 the film Mayan Samar came out that I shot a couple 01:33:31.000 --> 01:33:35.539 years ago. And there's all these things sort 01:33:35.539 --> 01:33:38.600 of like coming into the public sphere and coming 01:33:38.600 --> 01:33:42.199 into fruition. But I feel like what I'm confronting 01:33:42.199 --> 01:33:46.300 is almost the identity crisis of trying something 01:33:46.300 --> 01:33:49.960 new, which is producing and writing a feature 01:33:49.960 --> 01:33:52.100 film and trying to figure out how that works. 01:33:53.310 --> 01:33:55.770 and navigating that dynamic within the relationship. 01:33:56.010 --> 01:33:58.649 And it's like, it's the best thing ever and also 01:33:58.649 --> 01:34:02.250 incredibly challenging and confronting. And I 01:34:02.250 --> 01:34:06.029 think with my acting, I reached a place where 01:34:06.029 --> 01:34:09.789 I'm like, the next job will come. If I'm in a 01:34:09.789 --> 01:34:14.649 slow spell, that's fine. And I feel very confident 01:34:14.649 --> 01:34:18.449 and secure in what I bring. to that role on set. 01:34:18.949 --> 01:34:21.369 And it's been a minute since I've really put 01:34:21.369 --> 01:34:24.390 myself out there and tried something new, like 01:34:24.390 --> 01:34:28.029 writing. And my critical voices are coming out 01:34:28.029 --> 01:34:31.050 and my judgment of myself and like all of these 01:34:31.050 --> 01:34:33.930 things that I haven't had to navigate for a while. 01:34:35.449 --> 01:34:39.090 So I think it's a really exciting time. I feel 01:34:39.090 --> 01:34:42.289 like I'm coming into my adult self, like I said, 01:34:42.289 --> 01:34:45.859 because I can't avoid these things. I can't run 01:34:45.859 --> 01:34:49.699 away to Costa Rica or like go on a five month 01:34:49.699 --> 01:34:52.800 road trip. I don't know. I'm here and I'm confronting 01:34:52.800 --> 01:34:55.260 them. And that feels like the most adult shit 01:34:55.260 --> 01:34:58.500 I've ever done. And I'm excited to see where 01:34:58.500 --> 01:35:01.720 it leads me. But yeah, we're producing and writing 01:35:01.720 --> 01:35:05.000 a script and I'm shooting a video game that I'm 01:35:05.000 --> 01:35:07.159 not allowed to say what it is, but I think it's 01:35:07.159 --> 01:35:09.100 really exciting. And when it comes out, I'm like 01:35:09.100 --> 01:35:14.820 really excited to see what that turns into. And 01:35:14.820 --> 01:35:16.819 I'm going to see my family in the fall. And I 01:35:16.819 --> 01:35:19.600 always really, that time is always really precious. 01:35:19.899 --> 01:35:22.640 I'm really, really excited for that. That's so 01:35:22.640 --> 01:35:26.619 sweet. I love that. Like of all those things, 01:35:26.739 --> 01:35:30.960 I think that is the best thing. And that is the 01:35:30.960 --> 01:35:33.779 true adulting. Yeah. To know that I'm excited 01:35:33.779 --> 01:35:36.380 to see my family. Yeah. That I appreciate them. 01:35:36.960 --> 01:35:38.979 I mean, maybe if I saw them all the time, that 01:35:38.979 --> 01:35:41.380 would be different. You're like, nah, that's 01:35:41.380 --> 01:35:45.640 too much. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Well, 01:35:45.680 --> 01:35:47.279 I do have one final question for you, though. 01:35:47.539 --> 01:35:51.460 One deep foreboding question. Where on the internet 01:35:51.460 --> 01:35:53.300 can people find you, Nicolette? Where can they 01:35:53.300 --> 01:35:59.279 stalk you? It's my name on Instagram, Nicolette 01:35:59.279 --> 01:36:04.949 Pierce. That's about it. I don't really. Don't 01:36:04.949 --> 01:36:08.310 Google. Everything else is unreliable. My MDB 01:36:08.310 --> 01:36:12.010 page, I know. Just like everything is, I don't 01:36:12.010 --> 01:36:16.029 know. You will find. But can I just say, I could 01:36:16.029 --> 01:36:22.890 talk to you all day. I know. Well, we also spent, 01:36:22.930 --> 01:36:24.890 we hung out an hour before we arrived here. So 01:36:24.890 --> 01:36:28.989 we've been chilling all night. But thank you 01:36:28.989 --> 01:36:31.260 so much. for joining me. Thank you for inviting 01:36:31.260 --> 01:36:33.380 me. Thank you for having this chat with me. It's 01:36:33.380 --> 01:36:35.659 been such a pleasure. And if you want to go and 01:36:35.659 --> 01:36:37.739 check out more episodes of The Things We Do, 01:36:37.819 --> 01:36:39.439 you can check them out on Apple and Spotify. 01:36:40.159 --> 01:36:42.399 I'll be back in two weeks to speak to another 01:36:42.399 --> 01:36:44.220 guest, but otherwise I will speak to everyone 01:36:44.220 --> 01:36:45.439 later. Goodbye!