Transkrip lengkap untuk 15: Navigating Vulnerability Hangovers and Practicing Authenticity

a big topic of what we're we're saying. 00:06:47.519 --> 00:06:54.480 So, so yeah, it doesn't have to be this whole thing, but it you know, 15 minutes, 20 minutes. 00:06:55.519 --> 00:07:00.639 And then you'd be shocked that oh, an hour goes by and you're like, wow, I just like feel so connected to you. 00:07:00.800 --> 00:07:03.199 I just really understood what you were saying. 00:07:03.279 --> 00:07:09.519 But I think removing the phone from the situation is is really it's helping us a lot connect. 00:07:09.839 --> 00:07:13.920 Yeah, so it requires intentionality, is what I'm hearing. 00:07:14.160 --> 00:07:19.199 Yeah, you know, it's not just something you can just assume is gonna happen. 00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:20.879 You gotta be intentional about it. 00:07:20.959 --> 00:07:22.800 Um Reed is a great listener. 00:07:22.959 --> 00:07:27.120 I know you said you're more of a talker, but you know, Reed is a really good listener. 00:07:27.439 --> 00:07:27.759 He does. 00:07:27.839 --> 00:07:28.480 I agree with you. 00:07:28.560 --> 00:07:32.399 He's a very internal type person, but very good at listening. 00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:35.439 So that's probably why you two work so well. 00:07:36.399 --> 00:07:37.040 Love that. 00:07:37.199 --> 00:07:38.240 Thank you for sharing. 00:07:38.480 --> 00:07:39.120 Oh my gosh. 00:07:39.600 --> 00:07:42.959 Um I pray for continued, continued growth. 00:07:43.279 --> 00:07:44.319 Thank you, thank you. 00:07:44.560 --> 00:07:48.079 Tell me about how God is showing up for you right now. 00:07:48.959 --> 00:07:49.519 Yeah. 00:07:49.759 --> 00:08:16.079 Um, so I shared with you yesterday, and this kind of stems from we did have um do that amazing recording with Amy Holliday, and we had a fantastic meditation right in the middle of our podcast, and it's just it reminded me how important meditation is for my spiritual practice. 00:08:16.319 --> 00:08:23.839 And I am going back to work next week, so I'm trying to, I'm on summer break as a teacher, so work starts in about in a week. 00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:25.040 Yeah, exactly. 00:08:25.199 --> 00:08:31.600 So I'm trying to kind of get into my routines again, waking up early so that it's not such a shock to my system. 00:08:32.559 --> 00:08:41.679 Uh so yesterday I had time to meditate, which was great because Addy woke up a little bit later in the morning. 00:08:41.759 --> 00:08:46.639 And that's why I think it's so hard for me because her her wakeups lately have just been all over the place. 00:08:46.720 --> 00:08:49.840 Sometimes she's up at 5:30, sometimes she's up at 6:30. 00:08:50.159 --> 00:08:52.000 Her goal is 6:45. 00:08:52.080 --> 00:08:53.440 That's the ultimate goal. 00:08:53.679 --> 00:09:01.039 Um, so yesterday I had some time to meditate and it felt so good. 00:09:01.120 --> 00:09:07.840 And I texted you right after it happened that I had this conversation with God during my meditation. 00:09:08.080 --> 00:09:17.519 And I think it's easy for me to write it off and just say, oh, that was just my subconscious. 00:09:18.159 --> 00:09:34.159 But like Amy shared with us in the podcast, you know, that's our ego, that's our fear trying to protect us from whatever is out there. 00:09:34.639 --> 00:09:36.559 And I don't want to feed into that. 00:09:36.799 --> 00:09:42.000 So I really do believe it was God talking to me. 00:09:42.080 --> 00:09:53.279 And one of the biggest things that was shared with me during this meditation was I've been thinking about my relationship with Jesus. 00:09:53.440 --> 00:09:55.919 And I know you have a real connection to Jesus. 00:09:56.159 --> 00:10:04.879 You have this strong, beautiful connection to who Jesus was historically, but also what he represents. 00:10:05.039 --> 00:10:07.919 And I as well feel the love of Jesus. 00:10:08.080 --> 00:10:14.639 I told you before, like when I was younger, I used to imagine Jesus giving me a hug when I was in distress. 00:10:15.519 --> 00:10:27.759 And I still think about that, but for some reason, like my connection to Jesus is it's almost like I'm noticing I need to work on my relationship there. 00:10:27.919 --> 00:10:29.840 Like I have this strong connection to God. 00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:33.600 I know there's a higher power, I know the Lord is protecting me. 00:10:33.840 --> 00:10:44.000 And so in my meditation, I really was told that like who I was talking to was Jesus. 00:10:44.159 --> 00:10:52.559 And this was something you've been bringing up to me too, that physically in your body, you've been feeling like Jesus and God are one. 00:10:52.879 --> 00:11:00.240 And I don't know if if that's because you have this strong relationship with Jesus, and so you want to connect that to God. 00:11:00.320 --> 00:11:02.080 Whereas like I think I'm opposite. 00:11:02.240 --> 00:11:05.279 I have this strong connection to this higher power, this God. 00:11:05.759 --> 00:11:09.200 And I want to like connect that to Jesus. 00:11:09.360 --> 00:11:14.480 I want to form that connection to um Jesus. 00:11:14.720 --> 00:11:17.360 So it was almost like I was meditating on that. 00:11:17.440 --> 00:11:24.080 And and another thing I do in my meditation, tell me if this is weird, but sometimes I do see visions. 00:11:24.639 --> 00:11:27.919 It's happened to me before where I will like see something. 00:11:28.080 --> 00:11:35.120 A lot of the times it's colors or it's like shapes that are like have light around them. 00:11:35.440 --> 00:11:42.240 Um, and so this has happened to me before, but oftentimes in my meditation, I'll say, like, show me your face. 00:11:43.360 --> 00:11:47.039 And I want to, yeah, and it's like, but that's me. 00:11:47.120 --> 00:11:49.519 Like, I want to see the face of Jesus. 00:11:49.840 --> 00:11:56.559 But in this meditation that I had yesterday, I was told, I don't have a face. 00:11:57.840 --> 00:11:58.960 It was so weird. 00:11:59.039 --> 00:12:00.159 It was like so obvious. 00:12:00.320 --> 00:12:02.159 And I was like,

oh, oh yeah. 00:12:02.480 --> 00:12:16.720 Because how can we put a face onto something that is so much bigger than you know, our physical body, having two eyes, you know, two ears, a nose, a mouth. 00:12:16.799 --> 00:12:18.080 Like it's bigger than that. 00:12:18.240 --> 00:12:29.279 And I do think, though, that Jesus is that connection to God, where it's like sometimes we do want to have something or a person that we can picture. 00:12:29.360 --> 00:12:35.200 And that's why we have Jesus, but we have to remember that Jesus is also connected to God. 00:12:35.279 --> 00:12:37.759 And so, like, they're one in the same. 00:12:38.399 --> 00:12:41.759 So, anyway, this was this whole meditation. 00:12:43.120 --> 00:12:46.720 And I just felt, I kind of felt assured. 00:12:46.879 --> 00:12:48.639 I felt affirmed. 00:12:49.200 --> 00:12:57.360 I felt as though everything that I'm doing currently in my life, every step that I'm taking is being guided completely. 00:12:57.679 --> 00:13:00.000 I'm being so protected. 00:13:00.960 --> 00:13:14.799 And I just felt a sense of love and a sense of peace after I had that little conversation with God or Jesus or the Holy Spirit. 00:13:15.120 --> 00:13:18.159 And I just feel blessed by that. 00:13:18.399 --> 00:13:24.480 And um I didn't get a chance to meditate this morning, I will not lie. 00:13:24.879 --> 00:13:35.840 So, you know, it's it's a it's a continued thing, but even just having that space, that moment, that that time was so powerful for me. 00:13:36.159 --> 00:13:37.840 Yeah, I love that. 00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:40.879 Thanks for sharing that so openly and beautifully. 00:13:41.039 --> 00:13:57.840 And what I'm feeling from what you said is that this is a journey, and it is completely personal to you, and what you're experiencing is true to you. 00:13:59.039 --> 00:14:06.720 And for me, I don't want to get too far into it. 00:14:06.879 --> 00:14:18.480 I think that we'll save that for another topic about um my just our relationship with Jesus and and how that's kind of manifested. 00:14:18.720 --> 00:14:28.960 But this morning when I was meditating, um, I did the the soul heart meditation, the one that was shared on here. 00:14:29.360 --> 00:14:50.159 And I just had this this vision of um, because I knew we were gonna hop on here and record, where it was like Jesus was kind of like, get you know how somebody can come behind you and like give you a little massage on your like back and be like, that's what I felt. 00:14:50.320 --> 00:14:53.600 I was like, he was just like like saying, I got you. 00:14:53.759 --> 00:15:17.120 Like I see him as just a my bestest friend, as somebody that is that is so beautiful, walking aside me and not so much looking where I'm looking way up at him, but he's he's with me, he's next to me, and he's he's comforting me, and he's like, I got you. 00:15:17.279 --> 00:15:20.639 Like you're not you're not gonna fall. 00:15:21.440 --> 00:15:24.000 Oh I love that. 00:15:24.159 -->

00:15:25.840 That's so that's so beautiful. 00:15:25.919 --> 00:15:28.080 That's the power of meditation, right? 00:15:28.480 --> 00:15:29.919 Truly, yeah. 00:15:30.399 --> 00:15:36.879 And the thing that's that I think is important to, you know, like I said, I don't meditate every day. 00:15:37.039 --> 00:15:38.639 If I could, that'd be amazing. 00:15:38.879 --> 00:15:49.600 Maybe when I get back in routine, I will, but you know, each one of us has the capability of accessing that part of us, right? 00:15:49.679 --> 00:15:56.960 Like having a conversation with God, having a vision that Jesus is is giving you a gentle massage on the shoulders. 00:15:57.200 --> 00:16:02.799 Um having any sort of knowing, that's what Amy said in our podcast. 00:16:02.960 --> 00:16:05.440 Having that knowing, all of us have access to that. 00:16:05.679 --> 00:16:08.799 Now, exactly like you said, it is personal though. 00:16:09.039 --> 00:16:11.039 How you get there, it's personal. 00:16:11.279 --> 00:16:14.399 What you see, personal, what you hear, personal. 00:16:14.559 --> 00:16:21.919 It doesn't make it any less than um, because in the end, whatever you took from that, right? 00:16:22.080 --> 00:16:24.000 Jesus told you, I got you. 00:16:24.159 --> 00:16:27.600 You're don't be afraid, do not fear, I got you. 00:16:27.759 --> 00:16:32.000 Like God told me, hey, like you can be at peace. 00:16:32.480 --> 00:16:38.720 I'm with you during this this time of of change and whatever. 00:16:38.879 --> 00:16:40.960 And I just think that's important to know. 00:16:41.039 --> 00:16:44.720 Like, we can all access it, it's right there. 00:16:45.279 --> 00:16:51.600 Yep, and it's and it's all through our our body and our senses because we talked about that. 00:16:51.679 --> 00:17:01.120 The divine spark is within you, and it's it's so available to us because it is in us, right? 00:17:02.080 --> 00:17:05.039 That's why it's so personal, so amazing. 00:17:05.200 --> 00:17:18.160 Well, I look forward to seeing where these uh experiences take us, but let's jump into today's topic, which is vulnerability, right? 00:17:18.240 --> 00:17:24.720 That vulnerability hangover, which you so lovingly came up with and are experiencing. 00:17:24.960 --> 00:17:47.200 I think this is just such a um such an important one to talk about because now we have started this podcast and we are being pretty vulnerable and we are sharing parts of ourselves that we maybe wouldn't have shared before, and also we are sharing it to the world, to the public. 00:17:49.359 --> 00:17:52.000 So, what what's been going on for you with that? 00:17:53.839 --> 00:18:46.720 It's so what I'm noticing is that being or practicing authenticity, it's not a cultural norm because we are constantly getting influenced on a daily basis from our families, social media, the news, and it is a practice, but I will say from when I first had an opportunity to share on a podcast on this type of more, I guess more of a larger scale, we'll say the first time I did it, it was with the two sober girls. 00:18:47.599 --> 00:18:54.559 And so I shared, and I remember after it was done, I like blacked out. 00:18:54.720 --> 00:19:07.359 Like I don't remember what I said, and all I can remember the following day, because they're they're on the process of like they record and then they share it. 00:19:07.839 --> 00:19:11.200 So there's not a ton of time like in between. 00:19:11.440 --> 00:19:19.279 And so the next morning I'm I'm messaging Michaela and I'm like, girlfriend, like if that was shitty, like just delete it. 00:19:19.519 --> 00:19:22.079 Like I don't, I don't care. 00:19:22.240 --> 00:19:25.200 Like it's not, you know, it's not that deep. 00:19:25.279 --> 00:19:30.480 It's not that if it sounds bad, then just delete it. 00:19:32.880 --> 00:19:36.400 And I'm and I'm also like, wait, can you edit this part? 00:19:36.559 --> 00:19:41.599 And the and I'm just like having this almost like meltdown. 00:19:41.839 --> 00:19:43.920 And internally, she's not seeing it. 00:19:44.000 --> 00:19:46.160 She's just seeing the words that I'm sending her. 00:19:46.400 --> 00:19:48.400 I'm like feeling ill. 00:19:48.640 --> 00:19:50.559 I'm feeling out of control. 00:19:51.759 --> 00:19:56.720 Um, it's like I'm I'm being picked on in a way. 00:19:57.359 --> 00:20:01.440 And she was like, girlfriend, it's all good. 00:20:01.599 --> 00:20:02.319 It was amazing. 00:20:02.480 --> 00:20:03.039 You did great. 00:20:03.200 --> 00:20:05.119 And I was like, okay, whatever. 00:20:06.000 --> 00:20:16.079 And so it gets it gets released, and it took me, Julie, like months to work up the courage to listen. 00:20:16.240 --> 00:20:19.440 And this was maybe two and a half years ago. 00:20:20.319 --> 00:20:30.240 And um, because I I just shared like my sobriety story and and all that, and so that was my first experience of of doing that. 00:20:30.319 --> 00:21:11.920 And I also remember the process of before pressing that record button with them, what I was feeling internally, and I was feeling um like I was sick, like my stomach was was just flipping, and I was feeling my heart was racing, so I was experiencing a lot of physical, um, yeah, just I was just feeling out of control physically, and so that's kind of my experience with the process of of being vulnerable and sharing what's on my heart because it's it was so foreign to me. 00:21:12.400 --> 00:21:26.720 And now not to say that it's that it's like so simple and it's flowing, but I'm also feeling a lot more comfortable in this in this um type of experience. 00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:37.359 But it's taken a lot to to get to this point, but it was practice, and if I if I waited until it was perfect, I would have never done it because of my ego. 00:21:39.440 --> 00:21:40.079 Right. 00:21:40.960 --> 00:21:54.480 Well, and even with this podcast, um there were many moments where we had to tell each other, it doesn't have to be perfect. 00:21:55.839 -->

00:21:59.759 Like we are follow, we are following spirit, we are letting spirit. 00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:01.359 Spirit guide us. 00:22:01.599 --> 00:22:08.160 We have not, I think we've done such a good job with this podcast, and mainly because this is our heart work right here. 00:22:08.240 --> 00:22:10.319 This is literally straight from our hearts. 00:22:10.559 --> 00:22:13.759 We are not editing these episodes. 00:22:13.920 --> 00:22:18.079 Um we are not re-recording tons of episodes. 00:22:18.400 --> 00:22:21.440 We are just laying it out like it is. 00:22:21.759 --> 00:22:27.839 And I think it's front because from the beginning, we have always said, like, this is just spirit-led. 00:22:28.319 --> 00:22:30.319 Whatever comes from it, comes from it. 00:22:30.480 --> 00:22:33.039 We have not tried to overthink this. 00:22:33.200 --> 00:22:36.240 We are not trying to put on a show. 00:22:37.039 --> 00:22:43.680 And I just think following that feeling of like, okay, like it's okay to be vulnerable. 00:22:43.839 --> 00:22:56.559 Like this is this is not, we're not called to live in fear, sharing our true self, like being ourselves is actually what we're called to do. 00:22:56.960 --> 00:22:57.440 Yeah. 00:22:57.680 --> 00:23:09.440 And I think that a lot of times you have to, you have to practice it to learn more about who your true self is and reveal your true self as. 00:23:09.599 --> 00:23:12.559 So you, so it is practicing authenticity. 00:23:12.720 --> 00:23:20.319 And my um that that whole phrase practicing authenticity was from um Dawn from our sober community. 00:23:20.400 --> 00:23:26.480 So shout out to Dawn, because I know she's listening to this podcast, which is so generous and so sweet. 00:23:27.359 --> 00:23:34.559 But when she said that, I was like, whoa, um, that's exactly what what is happening. 00:23:35.119 --> 00:23:43.039 And it does matter who you get to practice your authenticity with. 00:23:45.119 --> 00:24:02.799 Because it allows you to work through some things, and that's why community and at least having one person to really reveal what your soul came here to do or what you're experiencing, it takes practice. 00:24:04.559 --> 00:24:15.200 I mean, why do you think in why do you think in our society though, there is such a fear of being authentic? 00:24:16.160 --> 00:24:27.200 Like in true authenticity, you know, like not not like just true, authentic, vulnerable, sharing your true heart out into the world. 00:24:27.440 --> 00:24:30.880 Why are we so afraid? 00:24:31.279 --> 00:24:34.400 Yeah, and I think, and I'm curious what you think. 00:24:34.480 --> 00:24:37.200 I think it's the fear of being judged. 00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:41.359 We want to be liked. 00:24:42.640 --> 00:24:48.720 There's a part of us, the ego part that that wants to be liked by everybody. 00:24:52.880 --> 00:24:57.039 Which, but people, it's funny because I've heard people say that. 00:24:57.200 --> 00:25:01.039 And granted, I believe I used to feel

that way. 00:25:01.519 --> 00:25:09.279 And I think a lot of that stemmed from not just being liked, but also a fear of like confrontation. 00:25:09.920 --> 00:25:27.440 Like if I if I'm just nice to everybody, if I'm just what everybody wants me to be, then I won't ever have to have a moment where I'm like, oh, needing to be at odds with somebody, which I you know still shy away from. 00:25:27.920 --> 00:25:33.200 But that really came out as like a oh, I have to be a people pleaser. 00:25:33.759 --> 00:25:46.960 Um, but yeah, like I don't know, the judgment piece of it is funny because there is judgment in the world, right? 00:25:47.119 --> 00:25:52.960 But something I've been practicing and and what helped me get get through this. 00:25:53.119 --> 00:25:57.839 And the reason we're sharing this is not because, oh, we've been through through the other side. 00:25:58.160 --> 00:25:58.400 Right. 00:25:58.559 --> 00:26:01.519 You know, like I don't care what anybody thinks about me anymore. 00:26:01.680 --> 00:26:04.799 You know, I'm I'm I can be vulnerable all the time. 00:26:05.039 --> 00:26:07.440 That is not why we're sharing this at all. 00:26:07.599 --> 00:26:09.839 We're sharing this because this is so real. 00:26:10.880 --> 00:26:14.960 And I think especially for us on this channel, right? 00:26:15.200 --> 00:26:24.000 This identity of being a podcaster, of of sharing all these parts of ourselves, even dark parts of ourselves, it's really scary. 00:26:24.240 --> 00:26:29.119 And we're real humans on the opposite side of this microphone. 00:26:29.519 --> 00:26:35.200 We we have real lives that we're living, and so we are still working on this, is what I'm trying to say. 00:26:35.359 --> 00:26:38.400 This is not, this is not like a one and done. 00:26:38.799 --> 00:26:51.839 But uh the judgments, though, I think that something helped me when I finally realized nobody is thinking about me as much as I think they are. 00:26:53.680 --> 00:27:01.759 People actually are not judging me as much as my ego wants me to believe that they are. 00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:02.640 Right. 00:27:03.279 --> 00:27:08.960 Because in the end, people honestly are most of the time thinking about themselves. 00:27:10.400 --> 00:27:24.160 And the other piece of that is that if they are judging me, it usually has to do with something about themselves than it does have to do with me. 00:27:24.960 --> 00:27:35.359 So even if they are feeling some type of way about me, it has less to do with what I'm doing and more to do with what they're feeling. 00:27:36.559 --> 00:27:40.000 I don't know, but that has helped me in some regard. 00:27:40.319 --> 00:27:52.400 Yeah, and I think that depending on your the size of your social circle, each person has their own version of you from their lens, from their eyes. 00:27:52.640 --> 00:27:54.400 So that's their perception. 00:27:54.559 --> 00:27:58.799 So you can have hundreds, thousands of perceptions of you. 00:27:59.039 --> 00:28:01.440

That's not your true self. 00:28:02.799 --> 00:28:16.480 And my question is, or something to consider, why would you try to be those versions when you can just settle in and just be your true self? 00:28:16.799 --> 00:28:20.799 But we're not really taught how to practice authenticity. 00:28:21.920 --> 00:28:33.920 We're we're taught to behave, we're taught to keep the peace, um, to be subtle and don't do don't do too much. 00:28:35.200 --> 00:28:35.680 Right. 00:28:36.480 --> 00:28:40.559 You know, and I think it's just practice. 00:28:40.720 --> 00:28:47.200 It's practice to share what's on your heart without any fear. 00:28:47.519 --> 00:28:56.559 But the the fear part is is what we have to be aware of as we continue this journey. 00:28:57.039 --> 00:28:57.519 Mm-hmm. 00:28:57.759 --> 00:28:58.240 Mm-hmm. 00:29:00.319 --> 00:29:02.240 And can I ask you a question? 00:29:02.480 --> 00:29:19.519 What, because I don't know if any of our listeners might connect to you on this, but when you shared about having that vulnerability hangover, especially when you first recorded that podcast with uh the two sober girls, what were some of like those thoughts that you were having? 00:29:19.759 --> 00:29:23.839 Because and maybe we can identify them to ego. 00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:42.799 I don't know if you have any um specific ones, but I know that like for me, if I'm super vulnerable, I and and if I feel like the next day weird about it, usually it's like one thing I said, and then I have to keep going over that one line. 00:29:43.039 --> 00:29:48.000 And sometimes like the ego is so manipulative. 00:29:48.319 --> 00:29:52.559 I will think about, oh, what if this person heard me say this? 00:29:53.119 --> 00:29:59.680 What does that person now think about me after I said this or after they heard me say this or saw me do this? 00:29:59.839 --> 00:30:02.799 And then I'll be like, Well, now what about that person? 00:30:03.200 --> 00:30:04.960 And then what about that person? 00:30:05.359 --> 00:30:06.640 And then what about that person? 00:30:06.720 --> 00:30:15.039 And that I don't that goes along with what you are saying, that there's like a million different versions of ourselves in people's minds. 00:30:15.519 --> 00:30:22.160 But yeah, I don't know if there's any specific thoughts, and then yeah, how can we connect that back to ego? 00:30:23.359 --> 00:30:24.720 Yeah, a few things. 00:30:24.880 --> 00:30:48.319 I think that when you asked what I was hearing when I was kind of exposing my truth and my experience about sobriety, my ego was saying, You sound so stupid, you're not like smart enough, you're not creative enough. 00:30:48.640 --> 00:30:56.480 So it was it was just it was just a a constant like sense of lack that it wasn't good enough. 00:30:57.119 --> 00:31:06.720 So that's what I was experiencing, but it just wasn't true. 00:31:10.559 --> 00:31:20.799 Yes, and uh if I can connect that with something I've dealt with just recently, like two years ago, I started a new position in uh school. 00:31:20.880 --> 00:31:30.319 So I was a teacher, but then I became a literacy coach, and that required me to work with adults and help adults become better teachers. 00:31:30.400 --> 00:31:35.279 And some of these teachers were teaching way longer than I've been teaching, right? 00:31:35.359 --> 00:31:39.119 Like 10, 20 more years than I have ever been teaching. 00:31:39.279 --> 00:31:43.920 And I was in a position where I was needing to help them become a better teacher. 00:31:44.240 --> 00:31:47.200 So this imposter syndrome took over. 00:31:47.519 --> 00:31:54.480 And I had very similar thoughts when I went to work where it was you're not good enough. 00:31:54.640 --> 00:31:56.160 Who do you think you are? 00:31:56.880 --> 00:32:03.119 Who do you think you are telling these teachers what to do when you don't you don't even know what you're doing? 00:32:03.599 --> 00:32:20.720 You know, and I think feeding into those ideas of lack can get really comfortable because you then start to believe it like actually I'm not creative enough, actually, I'm not smart enough, actually, I'm not this. 00:32:20.880 --> 00:32:34.000 And and the egoic tendency is to try harder, yeah, try harder or also try to be approved by others that you know that are listening. 00:32:34.240 --> 00:32:51.119 And so you are working so hard in the moment of trying to control their perception, but you don't understand, you're not consciously thinking that you're just trying to be liked and approved when we cannot control perceptions of others. 00:32:51.680 --> 00:32:55.359 There's it's impossible, right? 00:32:56.000 --> 00:33:09.920 And then you get into this like energy state of chaos because you are working overtime, your mind is working over time, and for me, I'm a I'm a very go-getter type person, you know. 00:33:10.079 --> 00:33:13.039 I'm I'm just I I have a ton of energy. 00:33:13.119 --> 00:33:15.920 Well, I used to before I had a baby. 00:33:16.559 --> 00:33:18.960 You will, but it'll come back. 00:33:19.119 --> 00:33:20.160 I I hear. 00:33:20.480 --> 00:33:59.119 But um, you know, I was expanding a lot of energy, just trying to keep up with my ego, like trying to read more books about becoming a better literacy coach, trying to to listen to more podcasts, trying to have more conversations, trying to be be more of exactly what you said, becoming what people want me to be, fulfilling their perception of me so that there is no judgment that I was exhausted, and that exhaustion turned into depression because my energy was tapped. 00:33:59.279 --> 00:34:04.480 I was so tapped, but but like you said, it's it all comes from this lack. 00:34:05.039 --> 00:34:05.519 Yes. 00:34:05.759 --> 00:34:10.960 And it's so funny that you're saying this because you're a literacy coach, right? 00:34:11.039 --> 00:34:13.199 You're stepping into a new identity. 00:34:13.360 --> 00:34:19.440 Like, for instance, we're stepping into kind of a

new identity as oh, like we're a podcaster. 00:34:19.760 --> 00:34:20.079 Right. 00:34:21.679 --> 00:34:30.159 And now I'm noticing ego, this negative chatter activity, isn't it? 00:34:30.239 --> 00:34:32.639 It's not a thing, it's an activity. 00:34:32.800 --> 00:34:36.639 So it needs identities to maintain relevance. 00:34:37.599 --> 00:34:44.960 So your ego will take advantage of your new identity, and so you're either good or you're bad. 00:34:47.199 --> 00:35:18.639 And so your ego believes that now you're a literacy coach, your ego believes you're a podcaster, and so if you're not maintaining excellence and in ego mind of perfection, that's not real, um, then it's going to continue to judge you because you believe you're your identity. 00:35:22.880 --> 00:35:28.960 And on that note, you are not a podcaster. 00:35:29.440 --> 00:35:29.920 Right. 00:35:30.159 --> 00:35:30.880 Exactly. 00:35:31.039 --> 00:35:35.760 No, but you also are, no, um yes, in the ego sense. 00:35:36.159 --> 00:35:38.719 It's it it's a creative process. 00:35:38.960 --> 00:35:44.000 I am right, I am I am following the breadcrumbs. 00:35:44.239 --> 00:35:49.440 I'm doing things that are energizing me yet challenging me. 00:35:50.639 --> 00:36:04.639 That's why it's so important to have a discernment and understanding of these egoic beliefs of lack, because it it will latch on to whatever identities you have. 00:36:04.880 --> 00:36:09.360 It could be a very liberating identity, though, too. 00:36:09.519 --> 00:36:12.000 So really take a look at your identities. 00:36:12.159 --> 00:36:14.239 Is it limiting or is it liberating? 00:36:15.679 --> 00:36:30.960 Because the thing about ego, this activity, it is completely oblivious to God, it is completely unaware of our true identity, and so it it needs to maintain relevant relevance. 00:36:31.119 --> 00:36:34.960 So it's either you uh are listening. 00:36:35.119 --> 00:36:42.639 There's only two two ways to really operate out of love or out of fear, and so God is love, period. 00:36:44.159 --> 00:36:52.239 Ego uh is fear, lack, isolation, separation. 00:36:53.519 --> 00:37:04.320 And I have to continue on a daily basis, multiple times a day, remind me that I'm I'm just a child of God. 00:37:04.639 --> 00:37:07.119 That's my truest identity. 00:37:09.760 --> 00:37:10.239 Yeah. 00:37:11.039 --> 00:37:37.360 I think that's where we and that's where your authenticity really comes through when you can recognize that your true identity is is within you and was created by a glorious higher power, and that you're perfect. 00:37:37.679 --> 00:37:50.800 You are perfect, not the podcaster, you, not the literacy coach, you, not the whatever other identities you abide with, but you are you are a perfectly made, wonderful child of God. 00:37:51.920 --> 00:38:02.000 Yeah, and I I have this um book in my hand right now, and it's called The Mystic Jesus, the Mind of Love by Marion Williamson. 00:38:02.320 --> 00:38:11.360 And it's like one of

those books that I keep bedside just because it's so loving, and I like to go to bed with loving thoughts. 00:38:11.920 --> 00:38:17.440 And so um, this quote popped up j timely, right? 00:38:17.599 --> 00:38:21.840 So this is just offers another lens of what our true identity is. 00:38:22.800 --> 00:38:28.320 Who you are is an unalterable, eternal creation of God. 00:38:28.719 --> 00:38:32.480 Your true self is an undeletable file. 00:38:32.719 --> 00:38:38.159 The fact that it's unchosen doesn't mean it's been deleted from the computer. 00:38:39.039 --> 00:38:44.079 Something in you does know how to live life successfully. 00:38:44.400 --> 00:38:47.119 You're programmed by God to do so. 00:38:47.760 --> 00:38:52.079 But the problem is that your inner computer got hacked. 00:38:53.360 --> 00:39:08.880 Learned powerlessness is a common ploy of the ego mind, convincing you you're fundamentally broken in order to ensure that you always will be. 00:39:10.159 --> 00:39:15.760 The voice that tells you that you cannot change is not the voice of love. 00:39:18.159 --> 00:39:20.960 So that's just another way of looking at that. 00:39:21.280 --> 00:39:21.840 Amen. 00:39:22.079 --> 00:39:26.400 And it totally ties into what we were talking about at the start. 00:39:26.559 --> 00:39:27.760 It's within you. 00:39:29.199 --> 00:39:39.920 This power that we're talking about, this true authentic self is within you, and every person on this planet has access to it. 00:39:40.800 --> 00:39:45.280 Everyone, everyone and go ahead. 00:39:54.000 --> 00:40:08.880 You know, for me, I needed permission in a way to to speak my truth and to share what what my soul and what my heart wants to share. 00:40:09.760 --> 00:40:29.280 And I do, I I I really pray that this inspires um the person listening that that may be a little bit scared to create that business or start that podcast or write that book or write poetry or um and to share it and make music. 00:40:29.519 --> 00:40:54.159 And so um, you know, I think that if you wait until it's perfect, until your ego decides that it's good enough, um, you know, you're you're missing out on opportunity to to learn from the experience of putting something out there and and having a a way of of looking at it and then learning from that the past. 00:40:54.320 --> 00:40:59.599 And it's just a constant um creative process in a way. 00:41:00.559 --> 00:41:17.360 Yeah, and and I will echo that too, and to know that not only are you going to learn from it, but you know, if if the fear of judgment is what's keeping you from doing those things, then you you need to take a look at that. 00:41:17.519 --> 00:41:25.840 You need to really question that, really get curious about where that's coming from, what identities are you holding on to, what fear do you have? 00:41:26.079 --> 00:41:30.239 What what lack is there within your spirit? 00:41:30.559 --> 00:41:32.800 Because there will be a lot of roadblocks. 00:41:32.880 --> 00:41:36.159 We're not

saying it's it's gonna just be laid out for you. 00:41:36.320 --> 00:41:37.280 It might. 00:41:37.840 --> 00:41:53.760 Lord knows that, you know, the Lord, the Holy Spirit is a wonderful, um, a wonderful partner when you start to work on your true true self and and start getting creative from that that lens. 00:41:54.159 --> 00:41:56.400 But there might be other roadblocks. 00:41:56.480 --> 00:42:14.559 But if that one roadblock is is fear of judgment, um I would really definitely take a look at that and consider if it's an illusion or not, because most likely it's the ego manipulating you. 00:42:14.960 --> 00:42:19.519 Um, but gosh, such a good, good conversation. 00:42:20.400 --> 00:42:24.320 I do want to share this one part from a course. 00:42:25.199 --> 00:42:26.639 Liva said that for sure. 00:42:26.960 --> 00:42:30.800 We'll leave it there because I just want to share this one line. 00:42:31.440 --> 00:42:39.920 Um, because I was reading after my meditation too, or no, before my meditation, I was reading a course in miracles. 00:42:40.159 --> 00:42:57.440 And Kylie and I have often talked about when you read a course, every time you read, every time you open it, you will find something that connects to what you're going through on a day-to-day basis. 00:42:57.599 --> 00:42:59.440 I swear it never fails. 00:42:59.599 --> 00:43:04.480 I never fail to find something in there that I'm like, oh, that's exactly what I needed to hear. 00:43:04.559 --> 00:43:10.719 And that's why I think this text is is just so connected to Jesus and a higher power. 00:43:10.880 --> 00:43:14.159 But um, but I want to share this. 00:43:14.400 --> 00:43:21.440 Uh so this is a little bit later in the course, but I'll read this part. 00:43:21.599 --> 00:43:27.280 Okay, to use the power God has given you as he would have it used is natural. 00:43:27.679 --> 00:43:39.360 It is not arrogant to be as he created you, nor to make use of what he gave to answer all of his son's mistakes and set him free. 00:43:40.000 --> 00:43:44.079 The gift of God to you is limitless. 00:43:44.960 --> 00:43:52.159 There is no circumstance it cannot answer, and no problem which is not resolved within its gracious light. 00:43:52.480 --> 00:43:55.840 Abide in peace where God would have you be. 00:43:59.039 --> 00:44:10.239 When we connect to that true inner authentic part of ourselves, that gift limitless, limitless, limitless. 00:44:10.400 --> 00:44:13.599 I mean, it's just there's there's no limit. 00:44:13.920 --> 00:44:26.480 We are called to to share our our true gifts, and and I just pray that Kylie, you and I continue to remember to be authentic and vulnerable in this process. 00:44:26.639 --> 00:44:27.119 Yeah. 00:44:27.440 --> 00:44:43.679 And just ask the Lord to protect us in that and not let any ego tendencies um make us feel like we're inadequate or make us feel like we need to do something that we know is not of God. 00:44:43.840 --> 00:44:47.360 So, and I really pray that for all of our listeners too. 00:44:47.679 --> 00:44:48.320 Amen. 00:44:48.800 --> 00:44:49.440 Amen. 00:44:49.760 --> 00:44:54.079 Well, thank you so much for sharing, and this was amazing. 00:44:54.239 --> 00:45:00.079 And also thank you for our listeners, and um, we would love to connect with you all. 00:45:00.239 --> 00:45:12.400 So if you feel inclined to share your feedback, you know, email us or send you know, write us a review, we'd just love to connect and hear what you're you're thinking so far about um this channel. 00:45:12.559 --> 00:45:16.880 So, and we just thank you so much and um sending you so much love. 00:45:17.840 --> 00:45:18.320 Amen. 00:45:18.480 --> 00:45:19.360 Thank you for listening. 00:45:19.519 --> 00:45:20.719 See you next time.