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Well, hello and welcome to Inside Marcy's Mind.
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My name is Marcy Backett and I am your host.
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Okay, I have a question.
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Who made all the rules?
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Life is full of all these rules that nobody told you about, right?
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Like nobody knows.
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You know, I'm not talking about the real rules.
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I'm just talking about, you know, those ones that seem to just be a part of life and you don't know how that happened.
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Like why everybody gets into an elevator and turns around and stares at the door?
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Or why we say hello to someone in the grocery store and then spend the next 20 minutes desperately trying not to run into them again?
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Or why someone says, we should get together sometime and no one pulls out a calendar.
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Why bother even saying it?
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Why do we feel like it's a thing?
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Apparently, we've all agreed to participate in an elaborate social performance and nobody gave me the script, right?
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I know we've talked about similar things before, but we're going to talk about it again because it's bugging me.
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Well, here we are in November, and I'm recording all three podcasts today because I was traveling Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.
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So if I sound a little punchy by the end of this episode, you'll know why, because this is the last episode I'm recording.
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But again, here we are.
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Here we are.
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Welcome to Inside Marcy's Mind.
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It's a beautiful day here in Chicago.
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It's cold.
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I've just spent three days in Connecticut.
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It was stunning.
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It was 70 degrees.
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I was on the Atlantic coast.
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I was at a little um learning retreat for my cathedral.
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It was lovely.
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I have to be honest.
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The weather was great.
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The setting was stunning.
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This beautiful retreat center run by nuns on uh the coast of Connecticut in a little town called Madison.
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It's near Yale.
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Um, it was lovely, lovely.
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I had a view of the ocean from my room.
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Uh it was just what I need.
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It gave me energy.
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It taught me something and it renewed my soul.
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And I'll take it all, right?
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I'll take it all.
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I'll take all of it.
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Had a weird little interesting thing happen on the plane.
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The uh steward that was bringing uh the drinks down when he came to our row.
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I thought he was asking me what I would like to drink.
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And I said, water with ice.
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And he looked at me and he said, I'm not talking to you.
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I was talking to the man next to you.
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Okay, then that was something.
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So guess what happened when I got my little survey today?
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I left that information in my survey, right?
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There it is.
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It was a it was an awful feeling.
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It made me feel awful.
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But you know what?
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I didn't dwell on it.
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I let it go.
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But I did put it in the survey.
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I love those surveys sometimes, don't you?
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What else is happening?
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Life is just moving too fast.
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It's November.
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Before we know it, it'll be that we'll be talking about Thanksgiving on this podcast next week.
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Um, next Friday, I'll be traveling to California to spend some time with friends and our kids.
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We're gonna be able to be with all of our all of our kids, the two of our kids and Sharon on uh a week from Monday.
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And I'm excited about that.
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We're going to that new George Lucas Museum.
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Should be a fun day.
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And then I'll be bringing to home a new kitty petunia.
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Baby Kitty Petunia is gonna come home with me.
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The one that Kyle found under the car and hasn't been able to find a home for or a rescue that will take it.
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It's like all these rescues, oh, we help animals.
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No, they don't.
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No, they don't.
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The um the animal control in Kyle's City of Torrance told Kyle to let it go.
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So Kyle has bonded with it for the last eight weeks and it's gonna come home with me.
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So my kitties are gonna have the shock of a lifetime when I get home.
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Looking forward to that trip.
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I traveled for
Load full transcript
the first time with my new defibrillator installed.
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All went well.
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So that first is over, which is a great feeling.
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I'm very happy to have that done and moving on with my life.
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Now it's just a part of my life.
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It doesn't scare me in any way.
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And I can fly, I can walk, I can run, I can go.
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Oh, I've also been back in the pool, you know, my favorite place.
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Back to my water aerobics with my new defibrillator.
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So all is good in my life.
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Except for our warped floors from a leaking dish, not a dishwasher or washing machine, and now you can barely open my front door.
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But that's getting addressed.
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So let's talk about all these rules.
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The elevator rule.
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Let's begin with there.
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I'm riding elevators multiple times a day.
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Why is it that the moment we step into an elevator, we all become very serious?
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I it is it is true.
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Everybody's very serious.
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You get in, you turn around, you face the door, and you stare straight ahead as though you're awaiting for important instructions from NASA.
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That's a NASA, NASA.
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That's how it feels.
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You could have been having the most wonderful conversation with someone in the lobby, but the minute you get into that metal box silence.
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Now, if the elevator stops and somebody else gets on, everybody makes the tiniest adjustment.
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And this is true.
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Half steph to the left, half steph to the right, a quarter step backwards, a slight turn of the shoulders.
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It is like a very restrained ballet.
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It is the I call it the elevator ballet.
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And if someone gets on and faces back of the elevator, oh, now we're all uncomfortable.
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What are they doing?
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Don't they know the rule?
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Turn around.
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I think it's a social experiment, is what I think every elevator ride.
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And what about the person who holds the door open for somebody who's still 40 feet away?
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Now nobody has to.
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Oh God, this is so true.
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Now everybody has to wait while that person performs the awkward little jog.
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Thank you.
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And I'm going to tell you right now, I don't want to jog.
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No problem.
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But is it a but isn't it a problem, or wasn't it a problem, or who felt that you should hold the door open, or why did you hold the door open?
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It becomes a whole thing in everybody's mind.
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It's true.
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It is true.
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All right, the grocery store reunion.
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You know, the place where you run into someone at the grocery store and you see them and you come around the corner face to face and you go, Oh, hello, how are you?
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Wonderful.
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How are you?
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You chat for a minute, you say goodbye, perfectly normal interaction.
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Then you go to aisle five, and there they are again.
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Now what?
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Do you say hello again?
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Do you pretend that you didn't see them?
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Do you make a little joke?
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Do you ha ha?
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Do you just do that little side wave?
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What do you do?
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It's so freaking awkward.
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You know, and and that little wave works once.
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What if you're in aisle four and you see them again or at the dairy?
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It is so weird.
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Why is it weird?
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I don't know.
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At this point, you've basically been reunited more times than a long-lost family.
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You've reunited in every freaking aisle.
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You've reunited at the ice cream.
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I don't know.
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It's a weird thing.
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So then you find yourself trying to like you see them down that lane, so you go down another lane.
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Like it becomes this whole thing.
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I don't know why that is.
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But see, that's another one of those rules.
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All right.
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Now this happens a lot.
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It's the sidewalk dance.
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Now, in the suburbs, it happens differently than it does in the city.
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But you know that dance.
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You're walking towards someone, you step right, they step right, you step left, they step left.
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Now you're both smiling awkwardly.
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You step right again, and so today at this
point, you're practically rehearsing for dancing with the stars.
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And then somebody says, sorry, why are we apologizing?
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Neither of us have committed a crime.
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We just accidentally choreographed a duet, but we're apologizing.
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And really funny part is that both people are trying so hard to be polite that neither one of you can get out of the other's ways.
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And that happens at four-way stops in the suburbs.
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It's a whole thing.
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You go, no, you go, you go, you wave people off.
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It's a whole thing.
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It actually happens in cars where it's dangerous.
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Sometimes I think we need turn signals and review mirrors when we're walking.
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And let me tell you, city walking is a whole nother thing.
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There are rules, people.
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There are rules.
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Again, the unwritten rules.
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The right of the road, you kind of do the same rules that you have in a car, but people come from different countries, different rules, drive on different sides.
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It's it's insane.
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And Craig is a horrible driver.
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He's a horrible walker.
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I'm just saying.
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I hate walking with Craig.
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I hate driving with Craig.
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Because Craig still drives, he walks the same way he drives.
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He doesn't really care.
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And it causes problems for me because I'm trying to get out of it's it's a thing.
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It's a thing.
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And we don't need to get into it because it's just ridiculous.
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All right.
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There's that restaurant check performance.
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And I hate this one.
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And my girlfriends and I have it all figured out, so we don't do this, but you've done it.
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Let's talk about paying the restaurant bill.
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Four people have enjoyed a lovely dinner.
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Everybody's happy.
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The server puts the check on the table and suddenly the evening becomes about community theater.
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Oh, let me get that.
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No, no, I've got it.
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Absolutely not.
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Please, I insist.
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Meanwhile, everybody has actually touched the bill, but nobody's paying it.
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And there are different levels of commitment.
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Somebody makes one little gesture, another makes another little gesture, and then there's the one person who announces, next time it's on me.
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Next time, are we keeping records?
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Is there a spreadsheet?
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Because if there is, I would like to review the terms.
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Now we started going out with a couple, and uh they we paid when we went out to just make it easy because we didn't know how they split a check.
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Next time they paid.
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The third time I said we we agreed, okay, we've all done our turn.
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Now we will split the bill.
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And then that becomes a whole thing.
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But I've learned because I don't drink.
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My part of the bill is always smaller.
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I just don't care.
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Splitting a bill is just fine with me.
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And I've learned a long time to let that piece go.
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I want it easy, I want it quick, I want it fast.
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All right.
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The waiting room mystery.
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Here's one that absolutely fascinates me.
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You walk into a waiting room, there are 20 empty chairs, you choose one, you settle in, maybe you take out a book, your phone, you're doing whatever, and then another person walks right in.
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20 chairs, 19 are empty, and they sit right next to you.
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Why?
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We have an entire room.
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We could each have our own little territory, but now you're sitting shoulder to shoulder pretending this is perfectly normal.
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And then you feel weird if you're gonna get up and change, because then you feel like it's offensive.
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Why do you care about their feelings?
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They didn't care about yours when you sat dead that when they sat down.
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And then there are the people who want to have a conversation.
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This is why I have my giant headphones.
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Stick them on anywhere you don't want to talk to anybody.
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Or just put your earbuds in.
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If they start talking to you, just point to your earbuds.
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Even if you're not listening to anything.
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My friend Shane used to do that at work.
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One time I came up to him, I said, Oh, I'm sorry I didn't see.
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He goes, There's nothing going on.
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I just do that so nobody talks to me.
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Sorry, Shane, I just let your cat out of the bag.
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That's one of the so there you go.
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The waiting room mystery.
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Ugh, there's this one may be my favorite unwritten written rule.
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You run into somebody you haven't seen in a long time.
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You have a nice conversation.
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As you're leaving, one of you has says that obligatory rule, we should get together sometime.
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Oh, absolutely.
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We really should.
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Let's do that.
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And then everybody goes home.
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No dates, no plans, no calendar, no nothing.
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Apparently, we should get together sometime is sometimes just an elaborate way of saying goodbye.
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And I wonder when did we all agree to this?
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Because occasionally, and I mean it, I want to get together.
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Should I pull out my calendar?
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Would that frighten the other person?
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Imagine somebody saying we should have lunch sometime, and you immediately respond, wonderful, Wednesday at 12:30.
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See, that's just weird, right?
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Maybe they're just saying it to be polite.
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They don't really want to have lunch with you.
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It is all these are just weird things.
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It's like a ceremony that nobody taught us.
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Okay, the unwritten rules hall of fame.
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All right, let's nominate our finalists.
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The elevator stair, the grocery store repeated hello, the sidewalk dance, the restaurant check performance, the waiting room seating mystery, and the completely imaginary lunch date.
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Which one wins?
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You know what I think is so funny?
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We spend our entire lives learning how to behave in society.
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And so much of it is completely made up.
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Somebody started doing something, everybody else copied it.
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And now here we are with these rules.
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The rules of engagement.
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I think the next time somebody asks me why I do something, I may have to admit I absolutely have no idea.
00:13:37.440 --> 00:13:39.039
I just thought it was a rule.
00:13:39.200 --> 00:13:42.639
And I know there's a lot of rules that we probably didn't
touch on today.
00:13:42.799 --> 00:13:46.559
I know they're swirling through your head, but Marcy, but Marcy.
00:13:47.200 --> 00:13:49.600
And maybe we're all just trying to be polite.
00:13:49.840 --> 00:13:53.039
Now, beneath all the silliness, I think there's something rather nice.
00:13:53.279 --> 00:13:57.360
Most of these unwritten rules exist because we're trying to get along.
00:13:57.600 --> 00:13:58.799
It really is.
00:13:59.039 --> 00:14:00.960
We're trying not to embarrass people.
00:14:01.120 --> 00:14:02.480
We're trying to be kind.
00:14:02.639 --> 00:14:04.159
We're trying to not be rude.
00:14:04.320 --> 00:14:06.960
We're trying to make everyday encounters comfortable.
00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:11.759
We just occasionally make them much more complicated than necessary.
00:14:12.159 --> 00:14:16.639
And there are those stupid things you say and you walk away thinking, why'd I even say that?
00:14:17.919 --> 00:14:20.639
And I think that's what makes people so entertaining.
00:14:20.799 --> 00:14:26.240
We're all walking around trying to behave correctly in situations where nobody actually knows the rules.
00:14:26.559 --> 00:14:33.200
So maybe the next time you do the sidewalk dance or you run into somebody for the fourth time in the grocery store, just laugh.
00:14:33.919 --> 00:14:38.240
Because chances are the other person is feeling just as awkward as you are.
00:14:38.480 --> 00:14:42.240
And I'm gonna tell you my one of my, I'm not doing this anymore.
00:14:42.480 --> 00:14:44.879
I ask people their name over and over again.
00:14:45.039 --> 00:14:46.879
And I always share mine back.
00:14:47.200 --> 00:14:49.679
And I just say, I am sorry.
00:14:49.919 --> 00:14:52.639
I would love to say I remember, but what is your name?
00:14:52.879 --> 00:14:55.279
And they'll tell me, and I'll say, Mine's Marcy.
00:14:55.440 --> 00:14:57.120
A lot of times they'll go, Oh, I know.
00:14:57.279 --> 00:14:58.399
I don't think they do.
00:14:58.639 --> 00:15:00.639
But again, it's that an unwritten rule.
00:15:00.720 --> 00:15:02.240
They don't want to feel that way.
00:15:02.480 --> 00:15:06.799
I don't know who made up the rule that we can't ask somebody their name over and over again.
00:15:08.480 --> 00:15:16.240
It it especially, and I and we get weirder the more we've we've been sitting next to somebody in church for 10 years and we don't remember their name.
00:15:16.480 --> 00:15:18.879
I have no problem anymore going, you know what?
00:15:19.039 --> 00:15:20.559
It has escaped my mind.
00:15:21.840 --> 00:15:24.000
Find a little rule that works for you.
00:15:24.240 --> 00:15:29.679
Here's my question for you this week: what's an unwritten rule of everyday life that makes no sense to you?
00:15:29.919 --> 00:15:32.559
If you want to share it with me, great, you know how to do that.
00:15:32.879 --> 00:15:36.240
Marcybacchusmedia.com.
00:15:37.120 --> 00:15:41.519
That's my website, or Marcybacchusmedia at gmail.com.
00:15:43.519 --> 00:15:49.120
I want to thank you for spending time with me on Inside Marcy's Mind.
00:15:49.200 --> 00:16:00.240
Again, if you are enjoying this and you want to listen to my other podcasts, we have Aging Aid for Sissies, where we're discussing about how things finally stopped working.
00:16:00.960 --> 00:16:03.519
I'm sorry, I didn't even say that right.
00:16:03.759 --> 00:16:07.759
We were discussing the things we finally stopped worrying about.
00:16:08.159 --> 00:16:19.519
And over at Unbottled, we talk about we can still have gratitude on bad days and why we're and why recovery also does not require us to be cheerful every minute.
00:16:19.679 --> 00:16:23.440
And I'm gonna tell you, if you don't have a drinking problem, that's fine.
00:16:23.519 --> 00:16:30.000
You can still listen to Unbottled because I'm telling you, you're addicted to either shopping, MMs, or something.
00:16:30.159 --> 00:16:32.399
Something that you want to let go of in your life.
00:16:32.480 --> 00:16:36.559
And I'm gonna tell you, you can find those tools at Umbu in Unbottled.
00:16:37.039 --> 00:16:45.919
So until next time, keep laughing, stay curious, and remember, just because everybody does something doesn't mean anybody knows why we're doing it.
00:16:47.039 --> 00:16:49.360
If you're on a walk, continue your walk.
00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:51.440
If you're driving, drive safe.
00:16:51.679 --> 00:16:54.960
And until next week, this is Marcy.
00:16:55.360 --> 00:16:57.200
This is inside Marcy.