TRANSKRIP 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:10.000 --> 00:00:14.160
Hi, welcome to another simple step here on Blended Family Breakthrough.
00:00:14.320 --> 00:00:18.800
When Kim and I got married, I didn't have any biological kids of my own yet.
00:00:19.120 --> 00:00:26.640
That meant I was considered a childless stepparent, or as one wife we coach likes to say, a child-free stepparent.
00:00:27.280 --> 00:00:33.439
Early on, I remember the excitement and fun of being part of my stepdaughter Annika's life.
00:00:33.600 --> 00:00:36.399
I got to teach her things like how to ride a bike.
00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:42.240
We had tea parties together, and we shared lots of sweet parent-child kinds of moments.
00:00:42.479 --> 00:00:52.240
And as meaningful as those experiences were, they didn't completely satisfy the part of me that still longed to have a biological child of my own.
00:00:52.479 --> 00:00:58.479
Last week we interviewed Laura Petherbridge, who's been a childless stepmom for 40 years.
00:00:58.719 --> 00:01:02.560
When we asked her about this challenging role, here's what she said.
00:01:02.960 --> 00:01:09.840
If your identity is wrapped up in being a stepmom or even being a wife, you're going to be in big trouble.
00:01:10.159 --> 00:01:16.959
That's a simple statement, but it names something really important, especially for childless stepparents.
00:01:17.439 --> 00:01:26.879
Because when you enter a blended family without children of your own, it can feel like step-parenting becomes the primary way you prove that you belong.
00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:36.799
You may feel pressure to love quickly, bond deeply, serve sacrificially, and fit into a family system that already existed before you arrived.
00:01:37.040 --> 00:01:42.879
And if you're not careful, your role as step parent can start becoming more than a role.
00:01:43.040 --> 00:01:45.280
It can become your identity.
00:01:45.760 --> 00:01:52.159
And when that happens, everything the kids do or don't do can feel very personal.
00:01:52.719 --> 00:01:55.680
If they pull away, you feel rejected.
00:01:55.840 --> 00:01:59.760
If they prefer their biological parent, you feel replaced.
00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:03.280
If they don't appreciate your effort, you feel invisible.
00:02:03.519 --> 00:02:07.840
If they resist your presence, you start wondering, what's wrong with me?
00:02:08.080 --> 00:02:10.159
That's a painful place to live.
00:02:10.400 --> 00:02:16.560
And when the role mingles with identity, it amplifies the personal pain.
00:02:17.199 --> 00:02:23.199
For childless stepmoms specifically, there can be another layer of grief underneath it all.
00:02:23.439 --> 00:02:26.639
You may have imagined motherhood looking a certain way.
00:02:26.879 --> 00:02:34.639
You may have hoped that being a stepmom would feel a deep desire to nurture, experience real family and purpose.
00:02:34.879 --> 00:02:46.080
And when the relationship with your stepchildren feels distant, complicated, or one-sided, it can stir up disappointment and powerlessness that you might not know how to deal with.
00:02:46.560 --> 00:02:51.439
That's why putting your full identity into step-parenting can lead to trouble.
00:02:51.680 --> 00:03:04.000
If your sense of worth depends on how your stepchildren respond to you, you're placing your satisfaction in the relationship and in your family experience in the hands of someone you don't fully control.
00:03:04.560 --> 00:03:12.719
Like Laura said, the person who dictates the relationship between the step parent and the stepchild is the stepchild.
00:03:13.280 --> 00:03:20.960
The reality is your value cannot be built on your stepchild's acceptance, acknowledgement, or response to you.
00:03:21.120 --> 00:03:23.680
That's too much pressure for you and for them.
00:03:24.159 --> 00:03:28.159
And most of the time, their response isn't really about you.
00:03:28.800 --> 00:03:36.400
So, how does a stepparent, especially a childless stepmom, hold on to a healthy sense of identity?
00:03:36.639 --> 00:03:40.560
Well, first, remember that stepparent is a role.
00:03:40.719 --> 00:03:44.240
It's an important role, but it's not who you are.
00:03:44.879 --> 00:03:57.599
You're also a fully formed human with unique gifts, personal interests, important convictions, real friendships, experiences, callings, and needs that existed before this family ever formed.
00:03:57.759 --> 00:03:59.759
And these things still matter.
00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:06.159
Your identity has to be rooted in something deeper than how well stepfamily life is going.
00:04:06.719 --> 00:04:10.960
Second, give yourself permission to grieve honestly.
00:04:11.199 --> 00:04:18.000
If being a stepparent has been more painful than you expected, you don't need to have shame over that for yourself.
00:04:18.319 --> 00:04:25.360
You can love your spouse, care about the kids, and still grieve that this role doesn't feel the way you hoped it would.
00:04:25.759 --> 00:04:30.560
You can admit, I wanted to matter more than I seem to matter right now.
00:04:31.120 --> 00:04:34.720
Or, I thought we would feel more like a family by now.
00:04:35.120 --> 00:04:40.399
Or, I'm sad that I give so much and still feel like an outsider.
00:04:40.720 --> 00:04:44.639
Honest grief isn't bitterness, it's part of healing.
00:04:45.120 --> 00:04:49.279
Third, build a life outside of the step parent role.
00:04:49.439 --> 00:04:51.920
That's not selfish, that's healthy.
00:04:52.240 --> 00:05:01.839
Maintain friendships, pursue meaningful work, stay connected to your faith, invest in hobbies, service, creativity, health, and rest.
00:05:02.480 --> 00:05:07.439
Spend time with people who know you apart from your role in the blended family.
00:05:07.759 --> 00:05:14.480
Because when your whole emotional world revolves around the stepkids, every interaction becomes too loaded.
00:05:14.720 --> 00:05:20.399
But when your identity is broader and stronger, you can show up with more peace.
00:05:20.959 -->
Load full transcript
00:05:24.079
Fourth, adjust your expectations.
00:05:24.399 --> 00:05:28.240
Your stepchildren may never relate to you exactly the way you hoped.
00:05:28.399 --> 00:05:32.560
That doesn't mean you failed or that the relationship has no value.
00:05:32.800 --> 00:05:35.759
You may never become mom or dad.
00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:42.879
You may, however, become a steady, kind, trustworthy adult that they can come to look up to.
00:05:43.120 --> 00:05:48.879
You may not get affection right away, you may have to move slowly at your stepchild's pace.
00:05:49.040 --> 00:05:58.959
You might not always be included as an insider, and you can still enjoy opportunities to build memories and find your unique groove as a family.
00:05:59.199 --> 00:06:05.600
You may not get the family experience that you imagined, and you can still have meaningful influence.
00:06:05.839 --> 00:06:13.680
The goal isn't to force a certain identity, the goal is to live with wisdom, humility, and emotional health.
00:06:14.000 --> 00:06:20.879
So, if you're a step parent listening today, especially if you don't have children of your own, we want you to hear this.
00:06:21.120 --> 00:06:23.920
You're not failing because bonding is slow.
00:06:24.160 --> 00:06:36.000
You're not selfish because you have needs, you're not unloving because you have limits, and you are not less valuable because your stepchildren don't fully see your efforts right now.
00:06:36.319 --> 00:06:40.160
Your role matters, but it's not your whole identity.
00:06:40.399 --> 00:06:45.600
And when your identity is secure and healthy, you can love with more freedom.
00:06:45.839 --> 00:06:50.240
You don't have to chase acceptance, force closeness, or prove your worth.
00:06:50.399 --> 00:06:57.600
You can be steady, kind, patient, and present without losing yourself.
00:06:58.160 --> 00:07:02.000
This week's simple step is to ask yourself one honest question.
00:07:02.319 --> 00:07:12.240
Where have I been expecting my step-parent role to give me a sense of worth, belonging, or purpose that I need to strengthen somewhere else?
00:07:12.560 --> 00:07:18.240
Then choose one small way to reconnect with your identity beyond step-parenting.
00:07:18.480 --> 00:07:22.879
You might spend some time with an old friend or cultivate a new friendship.
00:07:23.120 --> 00:07:27.439
Consider taking up a new hobby or doing something that you used to enjoy.
00:07:27.759 --> 00:07:30.800
Join a club or engage in community.
00:07:30.959 --> 00:07:35.120
Focus on some self-care, some rest and rejuvenation.
00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:36.800
Get adventurous.
00:07:37.120 --> 00:07:44.240
Feed your soul and be open to exploring different ways to find purpose and create security in yourself.
00:07:44.560 --> 00:07:50.879
Your simple step might be to have an honest conversation with your spouse, to share your struggles or your needs.
00:07:51.120 --> 00:07:55.360
Or maybe you've realized that some therapeutic support would be helpful.
00:07:55.600 --> 00:08:01.439
Just be sure to find a counselor or a coach who's experienced with blended family dynamics.
00:08:01.759 --> 00:08:05.839
The bottom line is that a healthier you is not a threat to your stepfamily.
00:08:05.920 --> 00:08:07.600
It's actually a gift to them.
00:08:07.839 --> 00:08:18.879
And when you remember who you are, apart from how the kids respond, you'll be avoiding trouble and be better equipped to love them with patience, wisdom, and freedom.
00:08:19.199 --> 00:08:26.240
Step parenting can be meaningful, but it was never meant to become the whole foundation of your identity.
00:08:26.480 --> 00:08:33.440
Next week, we're going to be celebrating National Step Family Day by exploring the super strengths of a blended family.
00:08:33.679 --> 00:08:35.279
Hey, thanks for joining me today.
00:08:35.360 --> 00:08:40.960
I hope you have a great week, and we'll see you back here in two weeks for another simple step.