अनुलिपि 🔗
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Foreign.
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This is high function revealed. People see what I get done. What I want to talk about is how I got this way, what I learned growing up, what it takes to keep going, and what I'm starting to notice about the things I do over and over again.
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Some of those patterns have served me well, some I'm still working through. And I'm curious whether you see them in your life, too.
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Season 1 what you don't see Episode 2 How I learned to handle everything I've been thinking about how quickly I move toward a solution. Even when something hurts, there's something practical to do. Make a decision, work out the next step, Keep things moving.
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But what happens to the feeling while I'm doing all that?
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When do I get to be disappointed or scared or admit that I didn't want to be the person responsible for figuring it out? This time?
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I know that I'm capable.
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What I'm trying to understand is why having that ability can feel so much like an obligation.
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There's something strange about being good at getting through things.
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People can see that you got through them. You can see it yourself. The problem was handled, the work got done.
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Whatever needed to happen happened. And that can become the whole assessment.
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How are you doing?
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Well, look, everything is still going.
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But that doesn't tell you very much about how someone feels inside the life they're keeping going.
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That's what I want to get into today, the connection between living through painful things and becoming very good at functioning in my life. Those things have existed together, and I'm trying to understand where they became tangled.
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Because being able to do something and being okay while you do it are two separate questions.
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I haven't always given them equal attention.
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I genuinely like figuring things out.
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Give me an idea and I can see possibilities.
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Give me a problem, and I'm interested in how we might solve it.
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I've built a career using that part of myself.
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There is pleasure in it. There's creativity. There's satisfaction in taking something that feels complicated and finding a way through that.
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I don't want to erase that by deciding every strength I have must be a symptom of something.
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But I do want to notice when the problem solving starts. Before I've had a chance to understand what the problem actually means to me.
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Someone disappoints you and your mind is already adjusting the plan.
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Something falls through and you're working out the replacement.
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You're hurt, but there are consequences to deal with, so you deal with those, and all of that may be necessary.
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Life doesn't Clear your calendar because you're upset.
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What interests me is what happens afterward.
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Do I come back to myself?
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Do I ever return to the part where something hurt?
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Or does handling the situation become the way? I convince myself that I've dealt with the whole thing?
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Because I can understand what happened. I can explain it. I can even understand why the other person behaved the way they did.
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That doesn't necessarily mean I've let myself feel anything about it.
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Sometimes an explanation gives me somewhere to go when the feeling is harder to sit with.
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When I think about my history, I think about how much life continued while difficult things were happening.
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There wasn't always a clear moment when something was over. Everyone understood it, and then you could begin again.
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You continued with what was unresolved.
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And I wonder how much practice I got at that, continuing before I felt ready.
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Finding something I could do when there was so much I couldn't change.
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I can't draw a straight line from every experience to every habit I have today.
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But I can recognize something familiar in the way I respond to uncertainty.
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I start looking for what I can do.
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There is relief in having a next step. It gives my attention somewhere to go. It gives me a little influence over what happens next.
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And sometimes that's useful.
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Sometimes it also means I'm taking on more responsibility.
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Because responsibility feels easier to tolerate than uncertainty.
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If I'm doing something about it, at least I'm doing something, leaving it unresolved, waiting to see what someone else does.
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That can be much harder.
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Even when I'm tired, even when I would really like someone else to take a turn.
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This is where I can can quietly become.
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I should.
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I can see what needs to happen, so I should do it. I. I know how to organize it so it makes sense for me to take it on.
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I could explain what I need, wait, follow up, possibly be disappointed.
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Or I could just handle it.
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And in that moment, handling it may genuinely be easier.
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But I think about what happens when you make that decision over and over. You become the person who knows, the person who remembers, the person who notices what hasn't been done yet.
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People begin to expect it. You begin to expect it from yourself.
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Then there's barely a decision anymore.
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Something needs handling, and you're already involved.
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I want to pay attention to that moment.
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The moment before I volunteer myself internally.
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Has anyone actually asked me?
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Have I decided that this belongs to me because I'm capable of doing it?
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What would happen if I gave someone else enough space to notice?
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I don't mean those as questions I've Mastered. I mean them as questions I can easily skip when I'm busy being efficient.
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Very efficient.
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Apparently even my overthinking would like to produce a deliverable.
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There's another part of this that's uncomfortable to admit.
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Sometimes I may want to help and also want control over how the help happens.
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Because I can already see the moving parts. I've thought about what could go wrong. I have a sequence in mind, so handling something over isn't always restful. Immediately now I have to tolerate someone approaching it differently. I have to work out whether the difference matters or whether I'm uncomfortable because I'm no longer directing it.
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Those aren't always the same thing, of course. There are situations where the details matter, where someone hasn't followed through, where my concern is based on my experience.
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But I want to be honest enough to ask, in this particular situation, what am I responding to?
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What's happening now?
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What I'm afraid will happen if I stop paying attention?
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I think that distinction matters because otherwise I can keep working long after the actual work is done.
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Checking, anticipating, preparing for the next problem. From the outside, it may look like being thorough.
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Inside, I want
to know whether I ever get to feel finished.
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And what does finished even feel like?
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If you're used to measuring your day by what you handled, an open space can feel unfamiliar.
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There's no immediate task telling you where to put your attention.
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You might notice that you're tired.
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You might notice that you're angry about something you agreed to.
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You might realize you've spent so much time asking what needs to happen that you don't have an immediate answer to what you want.
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That last question can be surprisingly difficult.
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What do I want?
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Without first calculating what's practical, what someone else needs, or what will create the least disruption.
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I'm not talking about a grand reinvention.
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Sometimes the answer might be very ordinary.
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I want an evening without another decision.
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I want to talk about something without immediately turning it into a plan.
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I want to be upset without having to demonstrate that I also understand everyone else's position.
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I want a little time before I become reasonable, because I can be reasonable. I can see the context. I can explain the pressures another person is under. But where do my feelings fit into that understanding?
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I don't want to explain myself out of having them.
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One of the things I'm trying to make room for is a more complete answer to how am I doing?
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There can be work I'm proud of and something personal I'm struggling with. I can enjoy a conversation and feel exhausted afterward.
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I can make a good decision and still grieve the fact that I had to make it. Those things exist in the same day, and I think I need that room because the word functioning can sound so complete, as if it describes the whole person.
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Really, it might describe a few things you can observe. Did she show up?
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Did she respond? Did she get it done?
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Yes. But did she feel safe enough to be honest? Did she. Did she know what she needed? Did she have anything left afterward?
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You might need to ask her, and she might need a minute to work out the answer.
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I might need a minute.
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I also don't want to turn this into another assignment where I have to become excellent at understanding myself.
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There is something almost funny about that possibility.
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Oh, I see. I've been putting pressure on myself. Let me fix that immediately and do an excellent job of it.
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I know that impulse, but I don't think every realization needs a project plan.
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Sometimes I need to notice something and resist rushing to improve it.
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Notice that I said yes quickly. Notice that I'm irritated.
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Notice that I keep thinking about a conversation I told myself was fine.
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That information deserves some attention before I turn it into an action.
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Especially the irritation, because it's easy to judge myself for feeling resentful about something I agreed to do.
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Well, you said yes.
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I did, and I can take responsibility for that answer while also asking whether it was an honest one.
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Did I have the time?
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Did I want to.
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Did I think I was allowed to say anything else?
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That's a more useful conversation than telling myself I shouldn't feel or what I feel.
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I'm not trying to become less capable.
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I like being someone who can build, contribute, make decisions and find a way forward.
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I want more choice in how I use that ability.
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I want to recognize the difference between something I'm excited to take on and something I've accepted before, checking whether I have anything left to give.
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And when something painful happens, I want to remember that solving the practical part doesn't mean I'm finished with the emotional part.
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I may still need to talk.
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I may need time.
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I may need to admit that something mattered more than I let on.
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None of that is canceled out by the fact that I managed.
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If you recognize yourself in this, think about one thing you're handling right.
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Just one Something you've already made a plan for, something people might assume you have under control.
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If someone asked you how you were doing with it, would you give them a progress report?
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Would you tell them what's been arranged, what you've decided? What happens next?
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What would your answer be if you couldn't describe a single task?
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If you had to say how it feels?
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You don't have to tell anyone immediately.
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You don't have to have a beautifully worded answer.
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I'm interested in whether we give ourselves enough time to find one.
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Because I know how to tell you what I'm doing.
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I want to get better at recognizing how I am.
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Next time, I want to talk about support.
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My life has included people who loved me and people who tried to help.
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It has also included long stretches when I felt very much on my own.
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I want to talk about the help that came in pieces, what it means to have something you can count on, and how complicated receiving support can become when you're used to arranging everything yourself.
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For today, I'm leaving myself with this.
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Before I ask what I'm going to do about something, can I give myself a moment to notice how I feel about it?
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Even if the answer is inconvenient and even if there's nothing I can do to change it yet?
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Thanks for spending this time with me. If you recognize something from your own life today, I'd love for you to tell me that story. I'll talk to you next time.