התמלול המלא של Unapologetically Authentic – Lois Bates-Stubbs on Swapping Toxic Relationships for Self-Discovery and Entrepreneurship

Yeah, about 18 months all in all Speaker: 00:04:30 now. Speaker: 00:04:31 >> Wo0: So I, as everybody knows, Speaker: 00:04:34 a chaotic ADHD head and Speaker: 00:04:37 I have always got so many Speaker: 00:04:39 millions of ideas in my head for my Speaker: 00:04:42 business. And I said, lois, can you Speaker: 00:04:45 help me? I just need somebody to go, you can Speaker: 00:04:48 do this. You should not do that. So we had a power hour, Speaker: 00:04:51 didn't we? And Lois was like, Speaker: 00:04:53 right, all of these are brilliant, obviously, Speaker: 00:04:56 but let's just focus on three. Speaker: 00:04:59 So we did, but then, then I Speaker: 00:05:02 got my access to work grant and Speaker: 00:05:05 Lois became my Speaker: 00:05:08 life. Basically, Lois Speaker: 00:05:11 runs my life and my Speaker: 00:05:14 business and my, in my personal life. I would not be where I am Speaker: 00:05:17 without you and I love you with my entire soul. Speaker: 00:05:20 Also, interestingly, Lois has been helping Speaker: 00:05:22 me with the whole female 5 million Speaker: 00:05:25 project. My next question is, why did you get involved with Speaker: 00:05:28 female 5 million, Larry? Speaker: 00:05:29 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Well, you asked me to. Speaker: 00:05:30 >> Wo0: So. Speaker: 00:05:36 So there's. So obviously there's the working aspect, but then you Speaker: 00:05:39 actually joined in with the female 5 million. And why. Speaker: 00:05:42 Why did you do that? Speaker: 00:05:43 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Yeah, absolutely. So that, yes, there was the work aspect, which I was already Speaker: 00:05:46 involved in. And then the more this project grew and I think Speaker: 00:05:49 I was one of the first people who said to you, Wendy, this is gonna be massive. Like, Speaker: 00:05:52 I could see it coming. we were actually working on Speaker: 00:05:55 something complete. Sorry, I'm going off on a tangent. We were working on Speaker: 00:05:58 something completely different because Wendy has always said she Speaker: 00:06:01 wants to leave a legacy. so we were working on a Speaker: 00:06:04 completely different thing and it seemed like we hit stumbling blocks Speaker: 00:06:06 every inch of the way with this other project that we were trying to get off the Speaker: 00:06:09 ground. And then female 5 million came Speaker: 00:06:12 up, which I just named myself originally. Speaker: 00:06:15 Fuck the Patriarchy I called it. Didn't even realise I'd Speaker: 00:06:18 made that name up. And then Wendy was like, you do know, you just titled Speaker: 00:06:21 this. Oh, sorry. Speaker: 00:06:25 And it just felt so natural and it just Speaker: 00:06:28 snowballed and grew so naturally. And the Speaker: 00:06:31 more it went on and the more women I saw Speaker: 00:06:33 emailing you and DMing you and so on, the more it Speaker: 00:06:36 tapped into A, like, my morals, my Speaker: 00:06:39 sense of morals and something that I would want to be involved in and Speaker: 00:06:42 support and, B, also kind of made me realise that Speaker: 00:06:44 I had a story and a past there Speaker: 00:06:48 as well. and then it really sealed the deal when Speaker: 00:06:51 I came and did the shoot that day and met all the other women Speaker: 00:06:53 that were in the Manchester M shoot. Speaker: 00:06:56 And, everyone was sort of sat around talking about their Speaker: 00:06:58 experiences. It sounds really silly, but it Speaker: 00:07:01 was almost like a penny drop moment for me that actually I've been Speaker: 00:07:04 through some abusive and toxic stuff myself Speaker: 00:07:07 and I think obviously you must know that deep down anyway, but I Speaker: 00:07:10 think we suppress it that hard. It sometimes Speaker: 00:07:13 takes being in that surrounding to make you go, oh, Speaker: 00:07:16 actually, yeah, that's. That's me as well. And that's what led to Speaker: 00:07:19 me doing the other podcast that you mentioned earlier and now wanting Speaker: 00:07:22 to come here and. And share again. Speaker: 00:07:24 >> Wo0: Big shout out to Carrie, who did a Speaker: 00:07:27 podcast series featured about Speaker: 00:07:29 female 5 million. because some of the women at that Speaker: 00:07:32 Manchester sheet said to her that they would like to Speaker: 00:07:35 do something to support. And it was really lovely. Speaker: 00:07:38 So we can put a link to that. Should Speaker: 00:07:41 we put a link to that or should we not? Because it's like, Speaker: 00:07:44 yeah, we absolutely Put. Speaker: 00:07:46 >> Annabelle: A link to that. Speaker: 00:07:47 >> Wo0: So we'll put a link to that in the show. Speaker: 00:07:49 Notes you said Speaker: 00:07:52 about being with those women Speaker: 00:07:55 brought to your attention, I guess, that, you'd been Speaker: 00:07:58 through some. Some abusive times. Speaker: 00:08:01 Are you happy to share some of your experiences Speaker: 00:08:04 with us? Speaker: 00:08:04 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: yeah, of course. So I think the reason I didn't Speaker: 00:08:07 necessarily see it as abusive was because, thankfully, Speaker: 00:08:10 touch wood, it was never physical abuse. And, that Speaker: 00:08:13 seems like, I don't know, almost in my head, that was like a line Speaker: 00:08:16 of, oh, no, you just had a rough relationship rather than it Speaker: 00:08:18 being abusive as such. Speaker: 00:08:21 And then when I look back, there was Speaker: 00:08:24 domestic violence in my childhood. Obviously Speaker: 00:08:27 not. Not towards me, but. So I think that's why, Speaker: 00:08:30 in my head, it was only if it came to physical abuse Speaker: 00:08:33 that it was abuse. And I think in my bid Speaker: 00:08:36 to avoid that, I put up with

some other really, Speaker: 00:08:39 really toxic shit that I shouldn't have put up Speaker: 00:08:41 with, ultimately. so first Speaker: 00:08:44 proper relationship I had, credit where credit's due. That was lovely. There Speaker: 00:08:47 was nothing, nothing toxic about that. It was as love should Speaker: 00:08:50 be for your first love, you know, pure. Speaker: 00:08:52 >> Wo0: That makes me. Speaker: 00:08:55 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: But I think the heartbreak that came at the end of Speaker: 00:08:57 that made me feel maybe a little bit Speaker: 00:09:00 more desperate than I was before. Does Speaker: 00:09:03 that sound awful? Speaker: 00:09:04 >> Wo0: But no, no, completely understandable. You want to Speaker: 00:09:07 be loved? Speaker: 00:09:08 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Yeah, absolutely. So I. I met this guy who Speaker: 00:09:11 I lost a lot of weight then, after that Speaker: 00:09:13 relationship. And it was in the time where, Speaker: 00:09:16 like, WAG culture was in, so your looks were very, very Speaker: 00:09:19 important. And I met this guy who genuinely, I thought, Speaker: 00:09:22 was the best looking person I ever seen in my entire Speaker: 00:09:24 life. and it got off to a great start. Everything was Speaker: 00:09:27 lovely. And then as time went on, he would Speaker: 00:09:30 constantly comment on my weight. So I'd gone from like a size Speaker: 00:09:33 24 to a 12 to 14 at the time. And Speaker: 00:09:36 he would do things like buy me size 8 clothes for Speaker: 00:09:39 inspiration and, just, like, not let me Speaker: 00:09:41 eat. We would go out and I Speaker: 00:09:44 knew he would be watching what I'd eaten. So say if we went out for Speaker: 00:09:47 a meal, I would get something tiny and I wouldn't be anything, like, Speaker: 00:09:50 full, but I knew he would have something to say if I Speaker: 00:09:53 ate again later on. So I would literally say, oh, I'll go Speaker: 00:09:56 get these drinks. I'd buy a packet of Crisp and I'd go and eat them in the toilet Speaker: 00:09:59 so he couldn't see me eating them because I Speaker: 00:10:02 was starving. And then we. I mean, Speaker: 00:10:05 literally, like I said, it was the WAG era. Looks were kind of Speaker: 00:10:08 Everything. And we used to be that couple that would go places and they'd let us in Speaker: 00:10:11 for free, you know, just because we looked good in Speaker: 00:10:13 there. And yet I was never Speaker: 00:10:16 able to enjoy that or revel in that kind Speaker: 00:10:19 of confidence and enjoy, though, you know, they're short years that you Speaker: 00:10:22 get that kind of window. And I wasn't able Speaker: 00:10:25 to enjoy it because of how he treated me. And I remember specifically Speaker: 00:10:28 we went to Ladies Day at Aintree, and Speaker: 00:10:31 I'd bought this wonderful dress, and I felt like a million dollars. Speaker: 00:10:34 In retrospect, I can now see that everyone was looking at me like Speaker: 00:10:37 women and men alike. And, he gave me a Speaker: 00:10:40 cuddle. And he whispered in my ear, I was wearing a size Speaker: 00:10:43 14 dress. And he said, I've just seen the size of your Speaker: 00:10:46 dress, you fat. Just took Speaker: 00:10:49 it all away. Every bit of, Speaker: 00:10:52 like, goodness. He just took it Speaker: 00:10:55 away. Speaker: 00:10:56 >> Wo0: It's. It's when they do it so no Speaker: 00:10:59 one else can hear and Speaker: 00:11:02 then go back to being charming to everyone Speaker: 00:11:04 else. Speaker: 00:11:05 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Yeah. And even delivered in a way that looked as though he Speaker: 00:11:08 was being nice to me because he called me in for a cuddle, you Speaker: 00:11:11 know, he didn't, like, grab me in a horrible way or Speaker: 00:11:14 try and do it, even privately. It was literally just pulled me into a Speaker: 00:11:17 cuddle so it looked like he was being lovely. And then, Speaker: 00:11:21 So, yeah, that was not great. Speaker: 00:11:24 So. Speaker: 00:11:26 >> Wo0: Wanker. Speaker: 00:11:27 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: I know. Absolutely. Speaker: 00:11:28 >> Wo0: Sorry. Speaker: 00:11:29 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Absolutely. You're right. Speaker: 00:11:31 >> Wo0: Bokers. Speaker: 00:11:34 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Then. So off the back of that, I kind of went Speaker: 00:11:36 into, like, the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm Speaker: 00:11:39 gonna sound such a. When I say this, but I then went for somebody Speaker: 00:11:42 who I knew wasn't good enough for me. Speaker: 00:11:45 That sounds awful, but. But Speaker: 00:11:48 I did. That's ultimately what I did. And it was somebody that I went to Speaker: 00:11:51 school with, like primary school. And we just happened to Speaker: 00:11:54 make friends on Facebook, went on a date and so on. Speaker: 00:11:58 and I did the complete opposite. I just ate away Speaker: 00:12:01 my problems. I didn't want to be that attractive anymore. Speaker: 00:12:04 I literally fed myself to the point that I felt Speaker: 00:12:07 unattractive because I didn't want that anymore. I Speaker: 00:12:10 thought if. If at my best, I'm still not good enough, Speaker: 00:12:13 then I'm not interested in being my best. Like, forget Speaker: 00:12:16 it. so I was with this other guy. He had two young Speaker: 00:12:18 kids. We moved in together. He Speaker: 00:12:21 was the closest to being physically Speaker: 00:12:24 abusive. And I think it would have gone that way at, Speaker: 00:12:27 ah, some point had we carried on down that path. Speaker: 00:12:30 But actually he very much just dumped me with his two young kids. Speaker: 00:12:33 He Ran up a load of debt in my name. I Speaker: 00:12:35 left that relationship with 10 grands

worth of debt. Now, bearing in mind Speaker: 00:12:38 I was about 23, Speaker: 00:12:41 24 then, so we're talking 15, 16 years Speaker: 00:12:44 ago. So 10 grand was a hell of a lot of money Speaker: 00:12:47 for a young woman to be in debt by. Speaker: 00:12:50 I, remember when I tried to leave him the first time he pulled his Speaker: 00:12:53 daughters out of bed, who were 4 and 7 at the time, Speaker: 00:12:56 and told them that I was leaving them, that Speaker: 00:12:59 I didn't love them anymore, and just guilt tripped me into Speaker: 00:13:02 staying for that little bit longer because they were Speaker: 00:13:05 heartbroken. So essentially was abusive to his kids at the same time. Speaker: 00:13:07 >> Wo0: Yeah. Speaker: 00:13:08 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Putting them through massive emotional turmoil that Speaker: 00:13:11 they didn't need. So that did mean that I stayed a little bit Speaker: 00:13:13 longer. I knew next time I broached that Speaker: 00:13:16 subject they needed to not be there. Speaker: 00:13:20 So I did again to leave. And, that was a time when I thought Speaker: 00:13:23 actually he could have, he could have really hurt Speaker: 00:13:25 me. M he square. He was a big guy as well, Speaker: 00:13:28 big built, very tall. And he squared up to Speaker: 00:13:31 me and he was like, I'll kill you. Speaker: 00:13:34 And I don't know where it came from. My dad just always used to say to Speaker: 00:13:37 me, even if you're terrified, don't let anybody see that you're Speaker: 00:13:40 terrified. So I literally, literally squared back up to him. I said, Speaker: 00:13:43 come on then, big man, kill me. And he just Speaker: 00:13:46 went with rage and just walked away and I Speaker: 00:13:49 left. But that could have gone very differently. Speaker: 00:13:51 I'm acutely aware that could have been, yeah, a very, very Speaker: 00:13:55 different outcome. And like I say, I think had a bat down Speaker: 00:13:57 then it would have. Speaker: 00:13:59 >> Wo0: Been very, it would have 100 have. Speaker: 00:14:01 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Been very, very different. Off the back of that. Speaker: 00:14:06 >> Wo0: You all right? Speaker: 00:14:07 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: I'm okay. I'm trying to think of my Speaker: 00:14:10 timeline, what happened next. Speaker: 00:14:14 and then after that I met somebody else. Speaker: 00:14:16 And not that they were necessarily abusive Speaker: 00:14:19 in the same way, but they were like emotional and Speaker: 00:14:22 neglectful. They'd been a friend for a really long Speaker: 00:14:25 time. We'd worked together and as a friend, Speaker: 00:14:27 he was brilliant. I would say we were close to best friends Speaker: 00:14:30 and we were friends for a really long time. We would go Speaker: 00:14:33 out together, we'd have a really good laugh together. Speaker: 00:14:36 He massively, massively loved, bombed Speaker: 00:14:39 me in the early days. Speaker: 00:14:42 and then over time he just Speaker: 00:14:45 completely started to neglect me. Out drinking with his friends all the Speaker: 00:14:48 time, not interested in me. He would just. I never Speaker: 00:14:51 officially moved in with him, but spent a lot of time living at the flat that he Speaker: 00:14:54 was in. At the time, and I put all my own Speaker: 00:14:57 money into it, did it all up. It was a beautiful little Speaker: 00:14:59 home. and he would just go out a weekend and Speaker: 00:15:02 trash it when he came back in drunk. Or I would come Speaker: 00:15:05 to stay with my mum for a while and it would be just completely Speaker: 00:15:08 trashed when I got back. he would leave me to Speaker: 00:15:11 do everything by myself. Like, not that I really Speaker: 00:15:14 believe in kind of boy jobs and girl jobs, but I remember we'd bought a Speaker: 00:15:16 2A, a desk. And you know what it says on the Speaker: 00:15:19 box? This is for two men to build kind of thing. And he let Speaker: 00:15:22 me sit there on the floor and just make it myself. He was just, he just Speaker: 00:15:25 didn't care basically. So by the time I'd come Speaker: 00:15:28 off the back of that, I just, Speaker: 00:15:31 I guess my self worth was just in complete tatters Speaker: 00:15:34 because I felt as though Speaker: 00:15:37 at, ah, my best, I wasn't good enough. I Speaker: 00:15:40 was only then used for money and somebody had loathed me so much Speaker: 00:15:42 they'd come close to literally wanting to kill me. Speaker: 00:15:46 And then somebody was so nonchalant about me. It was Speaker: 00:15:48 just as though, I don't. Speaker: 00:15:50 >> Wo0: Know, it didn't exist. Speaker: 00:15:51 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Yeah, like I didn't exist. Like I'm just not an important person. Speaker: 00:15:55 so, yeah, it's, it was, it's been quite the Speaker: 00:15:57 roller coaster. Speaker: 00:15:59 >> Wo0: Oh, babe, I'm so sorry. Speaker: 00:16:02 Buckers, I just want to check in with you for a second. Are you all Speaker: 00:16:05 right? Speaker: 00:16:06 >> Annabelle: I'm so sorry. I'm just feeling really Speaker: 00:16:09 emotional. Listening. I think what's making me Speaker: 00:16:12 feel emotional is, is two things. One is a lot of Speaker: 00:16:14 what you're saying, Lois, resonates Speaker: 00:16:17 and there's a, A lot of Speaker: 00:16:20 what you're saying is bringing back some memories for Speaker: 00:16:23 me. it's always interesting when you, like, I find it Speaker: 00:16:26 interesting how you don't need to know somebody very well, but the Speaker: 00:16:29 second you become aware that you have some shared Speaker: 00:16:32 experiences, you just feel such a connection to Speaker: 00:16:34 someone. And also Speaker: 00:16:39 we're recording this

with video so we can, Speaker: 00:16:42 we can see each other. And the things that I'm hearing Speaker: 00:16:45 you say just feel so Speaker: 00:16:47 disconnected from this Speaker: 00:16:50 vibrant, beautiful face on the screen. Speaker: 00:16:53 And we've met what we've. I've been lucky enough to meet you Speaker: 00:16:56 once in real life and remember you just being this Speaker: 00:16:58 vibrant, joyful Speaker: 00:17:00 presence. And it. I. I'm. I'm crying because Speaker: 00:17:03 I'm fucking angry to Speaker: 00:17:06 hear what you're talking about and know that it's not Speaker: 00:17:09 a. This is. This happens Speaker: 00:17:12 to so, so many people. Speaker: 00:17:15 So many people coming, like, just to Speaker: 00:17:18 hear these stories coming from somebody who, Speaker: 00:17:21 I mean, no, nobody deserves it. I'm, Speaker: 00:17:24 I'm getting very, like, waffly now, but Speaker: 00:17:27 I'm just struggling. It's, I'm feeling emotional Speaker: 00:17:30 because I'm fucking angry that Speaker: 00:17:33 this happens Speaker: 00:17:35 full stop. And I'm feeling Speaker: 00:17:38 angry that it happened to you. Speaker: 00:17:40 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: There's, I think that. And I hope I'm articulating this Speaker: 00:17:43 correctly, but there are people who enter into Speaker: 00:17:46 kind of mutually toxic relationships Speaker: 00:17:49 100%. And, again, I'm not saying anybody deserves Speaker: 00:17:52 what comes from that. I think that's a terrible arrangement and nobody should have got Speaker: 00:17:55 into. But the line is maybe a little bit more blurred about kind of who's Speaker: 00:17:58 right and who's wrong when that happens. Speaker: 00:18:01 And then there's people who I think in the majority of cases Speaker: 00:18:04 go into a relationship and just love with all their, heart Speaker: 00:18:07 and hope to God that that's enough. Speaker: 00:18:08 >> Annabelle: Yeah, best of intentions. Speaker: 00:18:10 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: And I think then when that comes back and it isn't Speaker: 00:18:13 enough, it just causes such Speaker: 00:18:16 damage, such self doubt. And it does give Speaker: 00:18:19 you that feeling that you've just said of like, Speaker: 00:18:21 injustice. You just think, how can I, or Speaker: 00:18:24 how can this other person give so much? Speaker: 00:18:27 And, this is what we get in return. Speaker: 00:18:29 >> Wo0: So that's me, right? I, I love, Speaker: 00:18:32 like, you know, by just by being friends, how much Speaker: 00:18:35 I love you. Right. I have got so much love to Speaker: 00:18:38 give and I, and I Speaker: 00:18:41 am really thoughtful and Speaker: 00:18:44 I always want to make another person Speaker: 00:18:47 happy and I want to be Speaker: 00:18:49 useful and that's, that's just in my life. But when Speaker: 00:18:52 it comes to a partner and it's not Speaker: 00:18:55 reciprocated, then Speaker: 00:18:58 I, I'm like, right, I'm not good enough. Speaker: 00:19:00 I'll try and be something else. I'll try and be what they want Speaker: 00:19:03 me to be. Yeah. So I try harder, do Speaker: 00:19:06 different things. Yeah, a Speaker: 00:19:09 hundred percent. and that actually turned out to Speaker: 00:19:12 be, such Speaker: 00:19:15 a bad thing that the Speaker: 00:19:18 guy I was with took the piss out of that so Speaker: 00:19:21 much that a friend had to sit Speaker: 00:19:24 us both down. Like, for example, I was at a friend's Speaker: 00:19:27 house. He'd been taking Speaker: 00:19:30 photos, came back, came into the house Speaker: 00:19:33 where I'd been, and he went, oh, I just left my Speaker: 00:19:36 laptop, I left my laptop in the car. Go and get it. And Speaker: 00:19:39 I just went and got it. And everyone was just like, Speaker: 00:19:42 what are you doing? And like it didn't even occur to Speaker: 00:19:45 me, like, I was his Speaker: 00:19:47 slave. I was his slave. Speaker: 00:19:50 And, and it was okay because I was, I Speaker: 00:19:53 They'll definitely love me if I do it. But Speaker: 00:19:56 it's just ridiculous. Like, Speaker: 00:19:59 the amount. Speaker: 00:20:02 Sorry. The dogs just barked. Speaker: 00:20:05 Like, the things. I know. It's an ADHD Speaker: 00:20:08 thing as well. It's also a trauma response. It's Speaker: 00:20:10 also, like, Speaker: 00:20:13 ptsd. Like, there's a. It could be many, many Speaker: 00:20:16 things that I'm Speaker: 00:20:19 working on now. So, like, love of my life, I ain't Speaker: 00:20:22 doing none of that for you. Speaker: 00:20:25 Like, it's just. It just Speaker: 00:20:28 blows my mind. Like, I am a strong, independent Speaker: 00:20:31 woman. How those things Speaker: 00:20:34 can even. Not. Like, they can knock somebody who's Speaker: 00:20:37 so kind, beautiful, independent, Speaker: 00:20:40 strong. Like, it's mad. It's Speaker: 00:20:42 mad. Speaker: 00:20:43 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: It is. And I think. But that comes from. It Speaker: 00:20:46 doesn't start like that, Right. If we went out on a date with Speaker: 00:20:49 someone and they were, like, waving their red flags everywhere, Speaker: 00:20:52 we'd be like. Speaker: 00:20:53 >> Wo0: I mean, thank you. Speaker: 00:20:53 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: I'm out. Bye. Speaker: 00:20:54 >> Wo0: I mean, he was. And he went, you, don't want to get with Speaker: 00:20:57 me. I'm a bastard. And then my brain Speaker: 00:21:00 went, don't tell me what to do. Speaker: 00:21:03 >> Annabelle: That's. But that's it in itself, Wendy, isn't it? Speaker: 00:21:06 Like, that's something that someone has Speaker: 00:21:09 said to cause a Speaker: 00:21:11 specific response in you. And that, It is Speaker: 00:21:14 so

seductive, the idea that you could be the one to Speaker: 00:21:17 change that. Oh, but I'll be the one that he won't want to Speaker: 00:21:20 be a bastard, too. Speaker: 00:21:23 >> Wo0: I don't think it was even that. Speaker: 00:21:24 >> Annabelle: Work harder. Speaker: 00:21:26 >> Wo0: I think it was the hundred percent. Speaker: 00:21:28 Don't tell me what to do. Like, people don't tell me what to do, and Speaker: 00:21:31 I'll just. Like, someone tells me to do something, I'll do the opposite. M. Speaker: 00:21:34 That's. That's what I think that was. Speaker: 00:21:37 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: I feel like these manipulative people, Speaker: 00:21:39 though, know that. Like, they know the right things to say. Speaker: 00:21:42 You know, he could have been on a date with you, Wendy, and said that, because he Speaker: 00:21:45 knew that was how to get to you and Speaker: 00:21:48 get you to be like. And equally have been on another Speaker: 00:21:51 date with me and said something completely Speaker: 00:21:53 different because he would have known that was how to get me. Speaker: 00:21:56 And I swear to God, that's what these really good manipulators. Speaker: 00:21:59 Manipulators, are able to do. I really do. Speaker: 00:22:02 >> Wo0: Okay. Because I've always kind of blamed myself for Speaker: 00:22:05 not listening. Speaker: 00:22:09 Like a knob. Speaker: 00:22:12 Anyway, Speaker: 00:22:14 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: It's never your fault. It's never. Speaker: 00:22:17 >> Wo0: I mean, let's not have a Speaker: 00:22:20 therapy session for me today. Speaker: 00:22:24 >> Annabelle: I feel like this is one for all of us. Speaker: 00:22:26 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Yeah. Speaker: 00:22:28 >> Annabelle: You weren't a Knob. You weren't a knob for not listening. Speaker: 00:22:31 Okay, We, I think we, Speaker: 00:22:34 we all do the best that Speaker: 00:22:37 we can do at the time with the knowledge and experience and Speaker: 00:22:40 emotional. Speaker: 00:22:41 >> Wo0: I was 20. Speaker: 00:22:42 >> Annabelle: Maturity that we. Speaker: 00:22:43 >> Wo0: No, I was 19. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Speaker: 00:22:46 yeah, yeah. Speaker: 00:22:47 >> Annabelle: I couldn't even work a microwave when I was Speaker: 00:22:49 19. So, yeah, you know, like, Speaker: 00:22:53 you've not got quite as much to be, to Speaker: 00:22:56 be going out into the world with when you're 19. Speaker: 00:22:58 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Yeah. You can't judge your 20 year old Speaker: 00:23:01 self by your 30 odd, 40 odd year old Speaker: 00:23:04 standards because you weren't that same person and you didn't have Speaker: 00:23:07 that same maturity. Speaker: 00:23:08 >> Annabelle: God, I want that on a T shirt. Speaker: 00:23:10 >> Wo0: I mean, I'm not the same person I was when we met, am Speaker: 00:23:12 I? Speaker: 00:23:17 We like to show people

that we're not men, bashers, Speaker: 00:23:20 blah, blah, blah. I love men. Please, can I have one? Speaker: 00:23:23 No, I'm joking. Speaker: 00:23:26 >> Annabelle: A good one? Speaker: 00:23:27 >> Wo0: Yeah, I'd like a, nice one, please. Speaker: 00:23:30 Have you got any positive examples of men showing their Speaker: 00:23:33 support? Speaker: 00:23:35 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Oh, my God, let me rack my brains. Speaker: 00:23:42 >> Wo0: No, no, I haven't Speaker: 00:23:45 none off the. Speaker: 00:23:46 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Top of my head, Speaker: 00:23:50 but I'm sure they're out there. I'm Speaker: 00:23:53 sure they exist, just not in my world. Speaker: 00:23:57 You know what? One thing I will say, I actually have had, I Speaker: 00:23:59 don't have many male friends at the moment. but I have Speaker: 00:24:02 had some fantastic male Speaker: 00:24:05 friends previously who, you know, I Speaker: 00:24:08 wouldn't have a bad word to say against them. I Speaker: 00:24:11 would just, I guess, be trepidicious of saying they'd be Speaker: 00:24:14 great partners because I know those two things are sometimes very Speaker: 00:24:16 separate. Speaker: 00:24:17 >> Wo0: Oh, God. It doesn't have to be a partner. It could be anybody. It Speaker: 00:24:20 could be somebody that you've worked with. It could be just like any man. Speaker: 00:24:23 It could be somebody you met on LinkedIn. It could be your Speaker: 00:24:25 son. Speaker: 00:24:26 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Oh, well, my son, obviously. Yeah. He's not a man yet, though. He's only 11, Speaker: 00:24:29 but yeah, of course. And that, God, that's a whole other topic, isn't Speaker: 00:24:32 it? Because there's this fight as Speaker: 00:24:35 the mum of a, of a boy, to just make sure Speaker: 00:24:38 that they don't fall into that toxic Speaker: 00:24:40 masculinity trap. He is Speaker: 00:24:43 naturally quite effeminate. which is great. I love Speaker: 00:24:46 that about it. And he's such a sweet Speaker: 00:24:49 boy, but. And I know Speaker: 00:24:52 this is not nurture. There are some elements of his Speaker: 00:24:55 nature that alarm me. The way he Speaker: 00:24:58 can be even now at 11, and I'll be like, Speaker: 00:25:01 okay, we need to get that out of you. Speaker: 00:25:04 Almost like it's Instinctual. Which is crazy. Speaker: 00:25:07 he's just naturally. Aggressive is not the Speaker: 00:25:10 right word. But when I compare him to my Speaker: 00:25:12 daughter, he's very hands on and, Speaker: 00:25:15 full on very. And he, he does struggle with Speaker: 00:25:18 that. Taking no for an answer, like, particularly. So I've drilled it into Speaker: 00:25:21 him always. Like, if anybody says, you don't Speaker: 00:25:24 touch me, you don't come near me, you don't. And you don't have to Speaker: 00:25:27 understand why. And it might be that yesterday they were Speaker: 00:25:30 okay with it, but now they're not. It's. Speaker: 00:25:33 You just stop. And that is that. And to be fair, Speaker: 00:25:35 he will feed that information back to me about interactions Speaker: 00:25:38 he's had with like, girls at school or just out in the wide, wide Speaker: 00:25:41 world. But like with his sister, for example, Speaker: 00:25:44 he will not stop. He will keep going. He will be very Speaker: 00:25:47 aggressive with her. he's very touchy feely and his Speaker: 00:25:50 affection. And so am I. We're both like Speaker: 00:25:53 that. She isn't. She's a lot more standoffish Speaker: 00:25:56 and cold. So some days she'll be all over him and I Speaker: 00:25:59 love you so much. Another day she's like, don't touch me. He Speaker: 00:26:02 massively struggles with that. And we'll try and force Speaker: 00:26:04 his love. Almost like he's got that, he thinks Speaker: 00:26:07 he's got that right to do it. So that's a Speaker: 00:26:10 big conversation piece. Speaker: 00:26:11 >> Wo0: I mean it is confusing. That is confusing. Speaker: 00:26:14 but, but 100. That needs to be learned. Speaker: 00:26:18 but I, but I can see how it would be confusing for somebody Speaker: 00:26:21 especially. Speaker: 00:26:22 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Right. Speaker: 00:26:22 >> Wo0: Yeah, of course. Of course. Yeah. Speaker: 00:26:25 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: But I mean, what I would say he's very emotionally mature. Speaker: 00:26:28 Incredibly emotionally mature. So I do. Speaker: 00:26:30 >> Wo0: He's a good laugh as well. Speaker: 00:26:32 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Yes, he's very funny. He's very, very funny. Speaker: 00:26:35 And I think he, I do think, genuinely think he will mature out of it Speaker: 00:26:38 with the right messaging given to him over and over Speaker: 00:26:40 again. but on the flip side of that, you know, say Speaker: 00:26:43 something kind of, to the detriment of Speaker: 00:26:46 females. I suppose she can also have some very Speaker: 00:26:49 typically toxic female traits. Speaker: 00:26:51 >> Wo0: Yeah. Speaker: 00:26:51 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Such as massively elaborate on things that he's Speaker: 00:26:54 done. Supposedly. She Speaker: 00:26:57 will. She's like, Speaker: 00:26:59 the boy who cried wolf. Kind of like she'll, you know, Speaker: 00:27:03 you. Speaker: 00:27:03 >> Wo0: Need to get that out of her. Speaker: 00:27:05 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: You just hit me. And I know my kids well Speaker: 00:27:08 enough to know. I'm like, he hasn't. She'll say things like, he Speaker: 00:27:10 just punched me in the face. And I'm like, no, Speaker: 00:27:13 no, he definitely did not do that. Like, that's not who he Speaker: 00:27:16 is so they both do it. They both did it. And it's just really Speaker: 00:27:19 interesting to see how much of, of Speaker: 00:27:22 that natural

masculine versus feminine energy Speaker: 00:27:25 can be in people. Speaker: 00:27:26 >> Wo0: I think it's also another layer on that because this is Speaker: 00:27:29 sibling rivalry. Right? So it's not just Speaker: 00:27:32 male, female. They're brother and sister. Speaker: 00:27:34 So like, there's always. Because I do that with my sister as Speaker: 00:27:37 well. Punch her in the face. Speaker: 00:27:41 I wouldn't, I wouldn't. I love you, Jen. Speaker: 00:27:43 And like, but, but they definitely. That's, Speaker: 00:27:46 that's, that's the sibling thing. So I mean, Speaker: 00:27:49 you could look into that forever and ever, but I think that's Speaker: 00:27:52 just natural and it will just grow out. But Speaker: 00:27:55 yeah, just keep doing what you're doing. Definitely. Speaker: 00:27:58 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Oh, we can do. Right? Speaker: 00:27:59 >> Wo0: That's exactly all we can do. Just be a good person, be there Speaker: 00:28:02 for them. Like, you have to give them some Speaker: 00:28:05 trust. Speaker: 00:28:09 Let's talk about your business a little bit. Speaker: 00:28:11 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Okay. Speaker: 00:28:12 >> Wo0: What are some of the obstacles that. Speaker: 00:28:13 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: You faced in my business? Speaker: 00:28:16 So, yeah, in fairness, the actual Speaker: 00:28:19 running of my business has been touch wood. Speaker: 00:28:22 Straightforward was probably the wrong word, but relatively, Speaker: 00:28:25 relatively obstacle free for the most part. Speaker: 00:28:28 But then maybe I'm thinking of that in a very positive light. the Speaker: 00:28:31 actual, I guess for me the biggest obstacle at first was the Speaker: 00:28:34 just the self belief in actually doing it. And Speaker: 00:28:36 actually, okay, off the ground, that was Speaker: 00:28:39 a big barrier to overcome. When do you know? Because I've spoken Speaker: 00:28:42 to you about this a lot, that like, I don't come from any Speaker: 00:28:45 money at all. I don't come from a Speaker: 00:28:48 massively successful family or Speaker: 00:28:50 anything. So there was a, there was a lot of that Speaker: 00:28:53 work to be done in, in starting the business and actually making Speaker: 00:28:56 it, making it a success. And even then, as it has Speaker: 00:28:59 become successful, I have constant, Speaker: 00:29:01 constant imposter syndrome all of the Speaker: 00:29:04 time. Like today I went, when I went for my Speaker: 00:29:07 treatment this morning, the lady's like, oh, you look very nice. Speaker: 00:29:10 And I said, oh, I'm filming a podcast later. And in the back of my head Speaker: 00:29:13 I'm going water, knob. Like, do you think you Speaker: 00:29:16 are like, telling people that you're doing. Tell Speaker: 00:29:18 them. So imposter syndrome's Speaker: 00:29:21 definitely been a biggie for me. And then of course, the more actual sort Speaker: 00:29:24 of business things, the early days is Speaker: 00:29:27 working with the wrong clients, you know, ignoring red flags because you're just Speaker: 00:29:30 desperate to get people on board. and then Speaker: 00:29:33 end. Speaker: 00:29:33 >> Wo0: Oh, is there a pattern? Speaker: 00:29:36 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: No. Speaker: 00:29:42 And then obviously things happen. Do you Speaker: 00:29:45 mind me sharing the access to work story? Speaker: 00:29:46 >> Wo0: When don't Mind me sharing about that at all. Speaker: 00:29:49 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: So, like, things will happen where. So when Wendy came to me with the Speaker: 00:29:52 Access to Work grant, that was a huge influx Speaker: 00:29:55 of business into my business. I think it was Speaker: 00:29:58 about 40 grand or something. I think. Speaker: 00:30:00 >> Wo0: Yeah. Speaker: 00:30:00 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Didn't it? It was huge. And then a year later, all of a Speaker: 00:30:03 sudden, bam. It was pulled. It was less than halved, Speaker: 00:30:05 which. Speaker: 00:30:06 >> Wo0: More than halved. Speaker: 00:30:08 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Yeah. Which impacted Wendy's business, Speaker: 00:30:11 impacted my business, impacted the businesses of my Speaker: 00:30:14 team, who were all freelance answers. That's Speaker: 00:30:17 probably been one of the biggest blows to my Speaker: 00:30:19 business. Speaker: 00:30:20 >> Wo0: Sorry. Speaker: 00:30:21 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: It's not your fault. And it was just made harder by the Speaker: 00:30:24 fact it happened to a friend. Not just a Speaker: 00:30:26 random. Not that I'd like. Speaker: 00:30:28 >> Wo0: Yeah. Speaker: 00:30:29 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Random client. But, you know, when you're close to someone as well and Speaker: 00:30:31 know how much that has meant, that's really Speaker: 00:30:34 hard. And I. And when I. I'm not Speaker: 00:30:37 like the most professional boss in the world and I rang Speaker: 00:30:40 my team and I literally sobbed. I was like, I'm so Speaker: 00:30:43 sorry. Speaker: 00:30:45 >> Wo0: That's because you're a good person and you're empathetic and you understand. Speaker: 00:30:48 And it's not like we don't want. Speaker: 00:30:51 Oh, sorry. It's just. Speaker: 00:30:53 >> Annabelle: So can we just add a bit of context there, just for anyone who Speaker: 00:30:56 doesn't know about the access to work what that Speaker: 00:30:59 is? Speaker: 00:30:59 >> Wo0: Yes, absolutely. So I've got ADHD Speaker: 00:31:02 and the government have got a scheme called Access to Work Speaker: 00:31:05 where you can apply. It is for people Speaker: 00:31:08 who are disabled. have Speaker: 00:31:11 got long, term, illness, Speaker: 00:31:14 etc. Etc. So I Speaker: 00:31:17 applied for access to work summer before last Speaker: 00:31:20 and

it took maybe two months for me Speaker: 00:31:23 to get it all, go through it all. Speaker: 00:31:26 and they. And they gave me loads of support. Speaker: 00:31:29 They gave me a pot of money, which I don't have Speaker: 00:31:32 access to for support worker, which is Speaker: 00:31:34 Lois. And they give you stuff Speaker: 00:31:37 like money for headphones. Thank you very much, Speaker: 00:31:40 software. So Monday.com, is Speaker: 00:31:43 what they gave me other bits and bobs, depending who you Speaker: 00:31:46 are, what your problems are, what you're struggling with, Speaker: 00:31:49 etc. Etc. And an ADHD coach. Speaker: 00:31:52 Right. Siobhan Fox. I'm getting her on here. She's Speaker: 00:31:55 absolutely wonderful. She's also changed my life. Speaker: 00:31:58 So I had X amount of Speaker: 00:32:01 money, Lois's hourly rate paid Speaker: 00:32:04 with how many hours a week support? Speaker: 00:32:07 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: It was about 90amonth, wasn't it? Or maybe more like 90 Speaker: 00:32:10 to 95amonth. It was. It was. It was a lot. Speaker: 00:32:12 >> Wo0: Yeah. So. So I was getting help with my Speaker: 00:32:15 business. Speaker: 00:32:16 >> Wo0: Like I Could Speaker: 00:32:19 actually live. Like, like I Speaker: 00:32:22 was struck. I was genuinely struggling with Speaker: 00:32:25 my life, wasn't I? Speaker: 00:32:28 And, and my business. Speaker: 00:32:30 And now they have. Speaker: 00:32:33 So they've more than halved it. And Speaker: 00:32:36 it's had a real effect on me. Speaker: 00:32:39 My business, you, your business, them, their Speaker: 00:32:42 business. And so we're appealing it at the moment. Speaker: 00:32:45 >> Annabelle: So you essentially got used to a certain level of support. Speaker: 00:32:49 Everything was going great and then boom, they cut it Speaker: 00:32:51 and they were just like, deal with it. Speaker: 00:32:54 >> Wo0: Yeah, yeah, right. Speaker: 00:32:56 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: With no warning either. Like, for me, I Speaker: 00:32:59 just think. And I get. So I get it, I get it. There's. There's only Speaker: 00:33:02 a certain amount of money that they can distribute. I mean, Speaker: 00:33:05 you know, we've worked together to, to work out a solution Speaker: 00:33:07 and make it work as best we can with, with what's available Speaker: 00:33:10 to us now. But like Wendy said, if you Speaker: 00:33:13 weren't as close as we are, you didn't have as open Speaker: 00:33:16 communication as we do. There's Speaker: 00:33:19 every, every likelihood that your support Speaker: 00:33:22 worker, as we're known, when we're helping access to work clients, would just be like, Speaker: 00:33:24 okay, see ya. And that would be that. and your entire Speaker: 00:33:27 support network that you've had for a year has just Speaker: 00:33:30 been pulled out from undo. And I just felt

as though. And again, Speaker: 00:33:33 absolutely, I'm grateful for it as well because of the impact it had on my Speaker: 00:33:36 business. But it just feels so when I think they did Speaker: 00:33:39 it, they rolled it out. They didn't think so much about it. They didn't Speaker: 00:33:42 put really any stringent guidelines in there. Ah. And Speaker: 00:33:45 then they put incredibly stringent ones in there, just bam, Speaker: 00:33:47 overnight. Whereas actually might have been quite Speaker: 00:33:50 nice and say, right, we're going to approve this for you again for Speaker: 00:33:53 another year. However, you need to be aware that in 12 Speaker: 00:33:56 months from now, these guidelines are coming in. And that would give you Speaker: 00:33:59 12 months to prepare to pivot things in your Speaker: 00:34:02 business to set yourself up so you can maybe pay out Speaker: 00:34:05 of your own pocket for some more hours. All of those, you know, just logistics in Speaker: 00:34:08 the background, whereas literally it pulled the rug out from Speaker: 00:34:11 under, definitely two businesses, but more than that, with my team as well, that Speaker: 00:34:13 were helping me support Wendy. Speaker: 00:34:18 >> Wo0: What do you wish you'd known about Speaker: 00:34:21 being a woman in business when you first started? Speaker: 00:34:24 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Oh, that's a really good question. Speaker: 00:34:29 I guess I wish I'd known more about how important it is to Speaker: 00:34:32 be authentic and not be scared to be Speaker: 00:34:35 yourself. Speaker: 00:34:36 >> Wo0: How did you learn that, Lois? Speaker: 00:34:39 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: You might have had something to do with it. Speaker: 00:34:44 I mean, I'm not complaining Because I feel like my business has grown quite quickly Speaker: 00:34:47 anyway and I'm relatively happy with it, but I feel like it could have grown even Speaker: 00:34:50 quicker had I known that. Because I look back now to my Speaker: 00:34:53 first burst into LinkedIn and it makes me want to Speaker: 00:34:56 laugh. I'm wearing a grey polo neck and my hair back Speaker: 00:34:59 in a bun and I'm like. Speaker: 00:35:03 >> Wo0: We need to see this photo. That needs to be a post, girl. Speaker: 00:35:06 That needs to be a post. Oh, my Speaker: 00:35:09 God. Speaker: 00:35:10 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Yeah, literally, like, so corporate. And in my head I was Speaker: 00:35:13 like, oh, this isn't, this isn't overly corporate. This is okay. Speaker: 00:35:16 And, yeah, it literally makes me laugh. I'm like, who even is that person? Because that's Speaker: 00:35:19 not me. Speaker: 00:35:21 >> Wo0: Oh, I love it. I love it. And now Speaker: 00:35:24 you've worked with me as well now, haven't you? You've worked Speaker: 00:35:27 with me, with. You had a pop up shoot with me. How Speaker: 00:35:30 was that? Speaker: 00:35:30 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Wonderful. I absolutely loved it. Speaker: 00:35:32 >> Wo0: What did you think it was going to be like? Speaker: 00:35:34 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Do you know What? I wasn't 100% sure because I, I did Speaker: 00:35:37 have a little dalliance with being in a girl band back in the day, so I Speaker: 00:35:40 wasn't a complete stranger to the camera. Speaker: 00:35:45 Just like dropping that in there. Speaker: 00:35:47 >> Wo0: Sorry, sorry, sorry. Speaker: 00:35:50 Hold up. Speaker: 00:35:51 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Rewind. Speaker: 00:35:55 >> Wo0: What? Speaker: 00:35:56 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Yeah, I'm sure I've told you this before. Yeah, I used to, I Speaker: 00:35:59 used to be in a girl band and we got really close to the precipice Speaker: 00:36:02 of, like, some proper success. and then we were Speaker: 00:36:05 just so young, we just kind of gave up on it. Speaker: 00:36:08 but yeah, so I, I've had photos Speaker: 00:36:10 before. Speaker: 00:36:12 >> Wo0: Can I see those photos? Speaker: 00:36:15 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: They're probably just at my mum's somewhere because they're just Speaker: 00:36:18 old. Like, I'm talking a long time. Speaker: 00:36:19 >> Wo0: I know your mum. I know your mum. I'm gonna ask your Speaker: 00:36:22 mum. Speaker: 00:36:25 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: So, yeah, there was, there was that. Speaker: 00:36:28 But it had been a long time since I'd been in front of a camera. and Speaker: 00:36:31 yeah, I just didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what to expect. And I Speaker: 00:36:34 was more nervous than I thought when I initially turned up. Speaker: 00:36:37 Up, despite knowing you really well anyway. Speaker: 00:36:40 But it took you literally just a few minutes to sort of Speaker: 00:36:43 find out where my comfort zone was and hope. Speaker: 00:36:46 I think you, like, pushed me enough to try a couple of new Speaker: 00:36:48 things, but without going so far, it made me uncomfortable Speaker: 00:36:51 and you just honed in on kind of my Speaker: 00:36:54 zone of excellence, shall we say. And Speaker: 00:36:57 yeah, I loved it. I absolutely loved it. Speaker: 00:37:00 >> Wo0: Thank you. right, so last question. We're Speaker: 00:37:02 Asking everybody this. Can you tell us one piece Speaker: 00:37:05 of clothing or an outfit or an accessory or something like Speaker: 00:37:08 that that makes you feel your most Speaker: 00:37:11 powerful or beautiful when you wear it? Speaker: 00:37:14 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Yes, I can. I have a whole story to give you about Speaker: 00:37:17 this. Okay. Because it's really recent, Speaker: 00:37:19 so. I've been through such a massive Speaker: 00:37:22 personal transformation in terms Speaker: 00:37:25 of everything we said earlier, like, pivoting myself from the Speaker: 00:37:28 life that I had to the life that I've

got now. But for me, Speaker: 00:37:30 that work had to be done internally before it Speaker: 00:37:33 became an external thing. But I guess there's Speaker: 00:37:36 been, like, baby steps the whole way of, like, me just. I don't know, just taking, like, Speaker: 00:37:39 better care of myself in various ways. and then recently, Speaker: 00:37:42 I've lost three and a half stone. Wendy, I weighed myself. Speaker: 00:37:46 >> Wo0: Congratulations. Speaker: 00:37:48 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: so. And that was a big thing for me. I've never been able to sort of master losing Speaker: 00:37:51 weight before, and just I've been dressing Speaker: 00:37:54 generally better anyway and more in the way that I wanted to dress Speaker: 00:37:57 rather than I had to dress because I was a size 24. And you're Speaker: 00:38:00 limited, right. There's not as much to go at. Speaker: 00:38:04 so a few weeks ago, we went to the Christmas markets in Speaker: 00:38:06 Manchester. And I love everybody who shows up wearing something from Speaker: 00:38:09 Scamp and Dude. I am, like, massively fangirling. I'm like, oh, my God, Speaker: 00:38:12 I love all their stuff. I didn't know they had a shop in Speaker: 00:38:15 Manchester. and I went, oh, there's a Scamp and Speaker: 00:38:17 dude there. Speaker: 00:38:19 >> Wo0: Dangerous. Speaker: 00:38:20 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: So I was like, I'm gonna go in just for Speaker: 00:38:23 some inspiration for when I finished my weight loss journey. Speaker: 00:38:26 Journey. Like, that's why I'm going in this shop. Just want to get Speaker: 00:38:28 a feel for it. And again, it was a little bit of a push out my comfort zone Speaker: 00:38:32 because I'm used to Primark, right? Like, you're like Speaker: 00:38:34 cattle in there. And I went. And I was like, oh, Speaker: 00:38:37 my God, this shop is glow. It was just me. Like, it was Speaker: 00:38:40 me all over. I was like, this is the most glorious thing that has ever happened Speaker: 00:38:43 in my life. And I'm, like, looking through all these wonderful Speaker: 00:38:46 dresses, and the Mana dress, as it Speaker: 00:38:49 turns out, came over. And not in a, you Speaker: 00:38:52 fat cow kind of way. We put two Speaker: 00:38:55 sizes of everything out. She said, so if it's not your size, it's out. Give Speaker: 00:38:58 me a shout. I can go and get it from the back. So I ended up entering into Speaker: 00:39:01 a conversation with her about the fact that I had recently lost weight. And I Speaker: 00:39:04 wasn't actually sure what Size I needed. Speaker: 00:39:07 I had a size 18 of this particular dress in my Speaker: 00:39:10 hand. She said, I think that'll fit you, Speaker: 00:39:13 but if you want me to go and grab you a size 20 just so you can try it, Speaker: 00:39:16 like, I will. So I said, yeah, can you do that? So she took this Speaker: 00:39:18 dress off

me and she took it to the changing room. Set the changing room Speaker: 00:39:21 up for me. I was like, oh, my God, what's this? This Speaker: 00:39:24 is new. So I went through Speaker: 00:39:27 feeling like the absolute dogs do dahs. Speaker: 00:39:32 tried this dress on, and lo and behold, this Speaker: 00:39:34 size 18 that I've not been for, like, 10 years at Speaker: 00:39:37 least fit me. And I was like, Speaker: 00:39:40 yeah. And I'm stood there going, here is. Yes. Speaker: 00:39:43 And cubicle. and then I Speaker: 00:39:46 heard my husband say outside, it's okay. She doesn't need Speaker: 00:39:49 that. She's in the size 18. And the mum was like, oh, that's Speaker: 00:39:52 brilliant. So she said, come out. Let me see. So Speaker: 00:39:54 she's there being like a massive cheerleader. I got talking a Speaker: 00:39:57 bit more depth about my weight loss journey and stuff, and I Speaker: 00:40:00 was like, okay, I have to have this dress now. Like, that wasn't in the plan, Speaker: 00:40:03 but I have to have it. And then I got to the checkout, and Speaker: 00:40:06 they're wrapping it up, and they're really lovely and chatty as well. And the woman on Speaker: 00:40:09 the other, till she finished serving, she looked over at me. She was Speaker: 00:40:12 like, oh, my God. And I wasn't in the dress then. I was just in what I Speaker: 00:40:15 turned up in. She was like, oh, my God, look at you. She's like, you're so Speaker: 00:40:18 glamorous. Look how gorgeous you look. And then turned Speaker: 00:40:21 to my daughter and was like, and you're a little fashionista like Speaker: 00:40:24 your mummy as well, aren't you? I was like, this is the best day of Speaker: 00:40:27 my life. Speaker: 00:40:30 So I bought this dress, and it's. The dress, Speaker: 00:40:33 yes, because it's a beautiful dress, but it's also the story Speaker: 00:40:36 behind the dress and the feelings that that gave me. And I swear Speaker: 00:40:39 to God, it can be in a million pieces by the time I'm Speaker: 00:40:42 95. But it will still be in my wardrobe because of, like, the Speaker: 00:40:44 story that that holds. Speaker: 00:40:46 >> Wo0: Oh, I love it. Speaker: 00:40:48 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: Yeah, I love it. It's just the best. And it just. It's a Speaker: 00:40:51 beautiful dress. It's fairly simple, really. Just a. A Speaker: 00:40:54 long black dress with puff sleeves. and Speaker: 00:40:57 it's got. I don't know the correct word, like Speaker: 00:40:59 glittery stripes running all the way through it in Speaker: 00:41:02 different, beautiful, different colours. it just Speaker: 00:41:05 Fits beautifully. I wore it over Christmas, so, yeah, it Speaker: 00:41:08 was just a fantastic experience. And it does. It Speaker: 00:41:11 does feel nicer on as well than, like, Speaker: 00:41:14 cheap. Speaker: 00:41:14 >> Wo0: Oh, babe. I went shopping with Sam. Speaker: 00:41:17 I. Me and Sam went to Bistar. I Speaker: 00:41:20 bought some Vivian Westwood tracksuit bottoms. Speaker: 00:41:24 They, are the most Speaker: 00:41:27 beautiful things I've ever had on my Speaker: 00:41:30 legs. And I've had men on my legs. Speaker: 00:41:34 Like, I've. I've had many Speaker: 00:41:37 things on my legs. They are, Honestly, Speaker: 00:41:40 I put them on and I'm walking around and Speaker: 00:41:43 I'm like, oh, my God. Just the way it's. It. The Speaker: 00:41:45 weight of it, the way it hangs, the. Speaker: 00:41:48 The. Oh, the organic, beautiful Speaker: 00:41:51 cotton that is the way it feels on Speaker: 00:41:54 your. Oh, my. Who needs Speaker: 00:41:56 a man? I just need Vivian West. Oh, my God. Speaker: 00:42:02 Westwood. Back, Come back. I miss Speaker: 00:42:04 you. Like, they are Speaker: 00:42:06 beautiful. So I Speaker: 00:42:09 100 get what you're saying Speaker: 00:42:12 with, like, the way it feels on you. Speaker: 00:42:15 That Sam Harman, she. She ain't Speaker: 00:42:17 bullshitting. Speaker: 00:42:19 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: She's really not. Speaker: 00:42:20 >> Wo0: Have I mentioned her in every single recording of my Speaker: 00:42:23 podcast? Speaker: 00:42:24 >> Annabelle: Pretty much, yeah. Speaker: 00:42:26 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: She's such a woman's woman, though. Like, how can you not in Speaker: 00:42:29 a podcast? Speaker: 00:42:30 >> Wo0: I know, I know. Big up, Sam Harman. Speaker: 00:42:33 >> Annabelle: We'll have to put a link to her episode in the show notes for this Speaker: 00:42:36 one. Speaker: 00:42:37 >> Wo0: Yeah, 100%. Lois, I love you Speaker: 00:42:40 so much. Thank you for everything you do for Speaker: 00:42:42 me. Thank you for coming on. Speaker: 00:42:45 Thank you for sharing your story. Speaker: 00:42:48 And just like, I love you. Speaker: 00:42:51 >> Lois Bates Stubbs: I love you too. And it's my pleasure. Thank you for having Speaker: 00:42:54 me. Speaker: 00:42:57 >> Wo0: That's it for today's episode of Don't Fucking Tell Me what to Wear Speaker: 00:43:00 or How to Run My Business on the Woopod with me, Speaker: 00:43:03 Wendy Gannon. This is more than just a podcast. Speaker: 00:43:06 It's part of female 5 million. Head to the link in the Speaker: 00:43:09 show notes to find out more about our movement to empower women. Speaker: 00:43:12 If this episode spoke to you in any way, made you laugh, Speaker: 00:43:15 made you cry, or maybe it inspired you, share Speaker: 00:43:18 it with a friend who needs to hear it. Leave us a rating and a Speaker: 00:43:21 review, and let's keep this movement growing. Speaker: 00:43:24 And while I've got you here, my photography is the way that Speaker: 00:43:27 I fight back against the patriarchy. I empower Speaker: 00:43:30 female founders with the confidence to be themselves in their Speaker: 00:43:32 business, to really enjoy their photo shoot and Speaker: 00:43:35 actually love their photos so then they can grow Speaker: 00:43:38 their business, increase their prices, and get paid what they Speaker: 00:43:41 deserve. If you want to work with me, drop Speaker: 00:43:44 me a message. All the info you need to contact me is in the show Speaker: 00:43:47 notes. Until next time, keep doing you. Speaker: 00:43:50 And remember, you are part of something bigger. bye.