התמלול המלא של 3 Emotions Hiding Behind "I'm Fine" | EP 170

wine, sometimes it's running, sometimes like literal running, like running not running away from people, but you know, exercising. Avoiding. Avoiding speaker-1: Also that avoid avoiding conversations. speaker-0: like, you know, just hit the pantry or hit a closet and you're just constantly organizing because you're avoiding. And there there's just so many ways. And ladies, we don't have to tell you that. What we wanna talk about is that. We know it's sometimes unspoken that you feel this way, but you don't know what to do with it. And obviously, everything under our whole series with this unspoken series is bringing things into the light. And we want to have this conversation because we know because we each do it differently. And this was in very good conversation between the two of us that there's a lot more behind the I'm fine or I'm busy. And there's a lot of emotions that lead to the things that we do on the daily. And it affects our relationships. And so, you know, a lot of this really is a just bringing it to the surface and talking about it so that, you know, at the end of this episode, you can really say, Okay, yeah, this is maybe what I'm dealing with. Or I don't know what it is that I'm dealing with, but I know that I'm hiding something and we want to help you reveal it. speaker-1: Yes. And one of the factors that makes a difference on how we handle or what we cope or what how we try to control them a lot of times stems from what we did as a kid. And it just becomes habit. So often, you know, we've heard you know, you've all the cliches, right? Stop crying. Don't be so sensitive. You're too emotional. you're okay. You know, those are the Those are little things and hello, I do that because I as a mom too, I will write off my kiddo's emotions too, because I'm also trying to, you know, like when they're toddlers and you don't want them to cry every single time they fall, because you have they have to get up. You can't let them be sad every single time. And so you so we I mean again, not all of this is bad. This is all in moderation, but a lot of it is just habits and what we have grown up. dealing with or accustomed to. speaker-0: And and let me ask you this, because this is something that I so I've said this to Chris new numerous times. Like we each grew up in obviously our different homes and then we bring our emotions into You guys grew up in different homes. Thank you very much. Marty. Obviously, we have multiple backgrounds coming in, raising the kids, right? Well, I rem I didn't grow up in a home that like raised their voice. Like my parents were just speaker-1: You didn't have yellow. speaker-0: I didn't have yellers. I mean, it's just it was I didn't. And then I became a yeller. And I'm like, where did that come from? And I blame Chris. In all reality, I don't even know where that came from. Like he it wasn't that he did, it was just that it I don't know. It was that underlying emotion. And I now, as 20 years later, well, 18. My oldest is only 18, but through conversation through therapy, my response to it was because it was affecting my emotions. So my kids' emotions affected my emotions. Like when they would cry, I would get anxious. When they would like be freaking out, I would it was affecting my peace. And that, you know, we we worked through a lot of this. Like my peace and comfort is like when I feel the most calm and settled and can accomplish the world. But if my peace is rocked and I'm having all these emotions myself stem from something they're going through, I try to control their emotions so my emotions are controlled. Yeah. You know, so speaker-1: Well, and I want to say this too, is it's not always the fact that you became a yeller, that's your personality. speaker-0: I mean I'm loud? No. speaker-1: Well, yes, but I think that's too is it is something that God gave you specifically. And it's not good or bad. It's not because, you know, you were raised one way and you became another. I think for you, I mean, you have a household of four kids and they're going a thousand different directions, including, you know, and Chris is going different directions. It's what God called you to be and learn how to do. Yeah. So I just wanted to speaker-0: always uses that though, 'cause that's where the refining has come from. speaker-1: Right, right. But we can like you and I, we'll have very different responses in a same conflict. And speaker-0: Yeah. speaker-1: one thing I mean, and also like if you're in a group of friends, if there's like some like disconnect in a group of friends, you can very easily tell you go, you've got the friend that wants to talk about it immediately, you've got the one who just needs time and space, the one who Cries, you know, you can see her just tearing up in the corner and I'm going, stop it. Don't be don't get emotional. I know. speaker-0: See there, she felt stop it. Don't be in emotion. And the crier over here is going, Do you don't see me? You don't see me. I feel so unseen. I feel so unloved because you're telling me to stop. speaker-1: I know, I am a terrible person. And then you get the one that gets quiet that just shuts down. and then one that gets productive is like, Well, great, let's get on the calendar and mark the next time we're all gonna see each other. speaker-0: And I get to say the last one. Okay. And the one who gets sarcastic. Wait, did I just point one hand? speaker-1: You did. You did That is not nice. Do you see how I'm treated in this podcast? speaker-0: Don't know that. Now here's now here's where I get to give her the love because obviously we all deal with things differently. Humor is her like one of her outlets. And there's such a gift because I'll tell you what, if I was doing this podcast and this girl didn't make me laugh, this would be one boring podcast. You would speaker-1: Y'all would cry all the time. speaker-0: all I don't know if you'd cry all the time, but you'd be like, Okay, this is a sob story.

No. But I'm also a gift. speaker-1: Yeah. It was just Yes. I'm the person I'm also the person that in the thread like wanted to just when somebody sends the voice message and it's all the things going on and my response is, you know, hey, praying for you. But isn't it nice to know that you're the normal one in the family? Like now, like those kind of moments, like that's I mean, it's not what you want to hear, but it is. I'm that's just my response. It's speaker-0: It's just her brain. speaker-1: just my brain. And so that's how God made me. And I love it. speaker-0: Yes. speaker-1: So with that, your common response of the communicating the feelings, concealing the feelings, and controlling the feelings. And we kind of talked about all of this. speaker-0: Well, one of the one of the things, and I don't know where like the communication part comes in. Maybe it's the I don't know, is it the controlling part? Because it's not the concealing, because if you're concealing, you're not talking about your emotions. Right. And you're acting like you're calm and you've got it all together. You know those friends that do that. You're like, gosh, how is she just so put together? But then there's the one who wants to communicate and process everything, which is me. Like I'm a processor. I d I don't need to like I don't have to get to the result that's in my head. Like I just need to get to a result that makes sense with somebody else. Like it's just a processing. Yeah. Sometimes when I send you voice memos, I mean you hear it. I'm like, I just had to get that out. Now I feel better. And you didn't respond to me. It was just I just had to get that out. speaker-1: Right. You just had to talk through it yourself. speaker-0: Yeah. So I guess that's probably a control aspect of just like I'm a verbal person. speaker-1: I think that's partly communicating too. I think because you're saying what you feel or what you're trying to process and either it's clarifying as you bring words to it, and then at the end you're like, okay. Like that's it is what it is because you're very good at like once you know what an emotion is that you're feeling, you're like, got it, done. Even if it's something like I'm disappointed or I'm sad, like you're just like, Yeah. Okay, I'm sad. Versus somebody who'd be like, I'm sad. I can't be sad. Why am I sad? I have so much to be grateful for. How do I have, you know, those kinds of things but I don't speaker-0: Do you think that's from like being told that you shouldn't feel that way? I was never told I couldn't feel anything. I mean, I was always an emotional person, you know, the I would say that as growing up, I was more of the cheerful one, you know, the joy, the positive. I think as you become an adult and then you kind of I don't think I felt as much as what I feel now, like the sad, the fear, the anxiousness, all that kind of stuff. I feel like that I didn't feel that stuff as a kid. I feel it more now as a speaker-1: Yeah, that comes with motherhood. That's one of the buggers that comes with motherhood. Yeah. speaker-0: But I would I was like always able to like express. And so that's why I think so for someone like you were saying, it's like, I'm sad, I shouldn't feel this way, blah, blah, blah. I don't know if it's necessarily someone's taught that person that or they didn't have the experience of like growing up that way, of being able to expose the emotions. Maybe their parent didn't know what to do with those emotions, you know, so they don't know what to do with them. But I think that comes from if it's not how they were raised, even maybe culture. You know, because it's like, well, if you are expressing your and it's not even grief, but it's like shame or embarrassment, or if you're expressing those emotions in someone is like, great, like I totally understand what you're, you know, it's that's great that you're feeling that way, or not I wouldn't say great, but you know what I'm saying, like acknowledging it, but also not needing it. speaker-1: I think that there are situations where people, it's the minimizing of pain speaker-0: There you go. speaker-1: where it is concealing without intent to conceal. It's not so there's part of it that is like I'm feeling like it's just what it is. Yeah. I'm fine. I've got to deal with this. This is going to this is going to have. But also too, it's that if I sit in this too long, then I have to acknowledge the difficulty, the hard, the other pieces that are gonna come into this. I think that the concealing aspect of when so I would say that I would conceal and I tend to conceal. I think I concealing control. So with concealing, it's I'm fine. Like I don't want to deal with it. speaker-0: Mm-hmm. speaker-1: You've got this, you know, you could figure it out. You can, you know, this the emotion doesn't matter. We just don't put a lot of emphasis on the emotion of feeling it. Because we're like, well, what does it do? It doesn't do anything. If I'm mad, great, I'm mad, but that's not going to solve the problem. So why do I have to dwell on that? speaker-0: Well, and let me ask because this is something we've talked about before when I'm mad and something that like if it let's go marriage, because I mean that's Okay, yeah. Yeah. If you're mad at your husband, it's if I hold it, I'm going to blow about something stupid, like how he puts it in the dishwasher, like puts a dish in the dishwasher, or like not picking up his clothes on the floor or whatever, which I don't care about either of those on a day-to-day basis. But if I'm building That concealing and not talking about something that's bothering me, it will come out in another way of a fight or something silly. Don't you think? speaker-1: I think so, but I think the level of where it comes out is different for everybody. speaker-0: Of how much you can mm, that's a good point. speaker-1: Because I think two is that suppress suppress. I think there are those that are really

good at suppressing all of it and it can come out affected at them at themselves versus others. You can take it out on yourself. speaker-0: yeah. speaker-1: So I think that's so while I see that the the concealing is I mean, I'm not saying it's great, it's not, all of these can be good. In some circumstances. Like sometimes you're in a situation where I'm sorry, you do have to just figure it out and get over it without the emotion. Like you you just have to you can process the emotions later, but you do get through speaker-0: I was just gonna say that speaker-1: at something. Yeah. And especially too is I find that if everybody else around me is emoting and all the emotions emoting. speaker-0: Did you just say emoji? speaker-1: I did. I did. Okay. Emoting you I'm like, okay, hold on. Like I've got to be the one that goes, we got to do this and this and you can control this. speaker-0: For sure I as a mother that happens because it is everybody else has emotions too. And especially, you know, as you get into these middle school, high school years, these teenagers, you know, they are having their own anxieties, their own fears, their own overwhelm, their own pressures. And so when they walk in the door at night and they want to unload it on you, but something has just happened either, you know, with a friend or a spouse or whatever, you do you kind of have to go, okay, I'm gonna deal with that later. I'm present. This is what I need to do right now. Yeah. And then you just need to remember to go pick up that later and either bring it, you know, bring it to the Lord. Obviously, is probably the first option. And I had to learn that the hard way. I'm just gonna say that. As a very emotional person, I used to always choose a friend first. And I used to always just pick up the phone. This is what I'm dealing with. This is what we're going through. This is like, you know, and there's nothing wrong with talking to your friend, but there is something wrong without taking it to the Lord first. Because you give him the ability to soften your heart and you give him the ability to like just, you know, give you a little bit more discernment discernment of what you're supposed to do with those emotions and those feelings so that you don't send it, say it out loud to say a friend, say to somebody else, and then it becomes bigger because they are not feeding you, but processing it with you. And then you're taking something on from that conversation that you didn't need. So again, we are this whole conversation is really to encourage you to take things to God because he is not intimidated by your emotions. And if you know the Lord, you know he already knows them because he knows you. Yeah. And he knows what you're thinking and feeling as well. But being able to take it to him and process it with him just gives him the the burden, you know, gives him the weight, gives him the the praise and joy sometimes that he needs, you know. But yeah, I just had to pause on that

one because I don't know where I was before, but there's parametapause for you. That train of thought but there we are. speaker-1: And we're back. But the last one being controlling. And controlling and concealing, I think, are very there's a fine line in between the two. Because I think with controlling, concealing, you just you suppress and then and move on and it didn't happen. But the controlling part is where you're like, I'm not avoiding my feelings. I'm just deep cleaning the baseboards. You know, I'm not anxious. I just need a 12 color coded list. I'm not angry. I'm just extremely efficient and slightly louder than usual. Like you're taking on something that an extra productive being productive. And a lot of times people can be like, that's such a good way to process something. And it can be if you're processing in your head or if you're talking to God while you're doing those productive things. But it can also, if you're not, if it's just the, you know, the ignoring and things like that, it's not going to. You're just numbing it and you're not actually doing anything about speaker-0: It's just yeah, it's a control thing, but you just said numbing, which then we can need to talk about coping. There are many ways to cope also as well with our emotions. And I've actually been talking more recently about the numbing coping mechanism. And sometimes it's wine, you know, ladies, we it's a type of medicine. we not it's not a type of medicine. It's one that we have used as our COVID. I hated it. speaker-1: COVID. COVID my gosh. I used wine all the time. Yeah. speaker-0: Yep. Which you obviously processed that, you know, and went through that for different reasons, but became sober for a very long time. And I would say that I definitely did in COVID. I was drinking wine almost nightly. But now it's become something that is like I I love that people are talking about it more now. I don't know if you are. I we are in and realizing what a crutch it became. But something that we always talk to our kids about is like, you know, when you stop a A habit or whatever, you have to fill it with something else. You know, if you stop scrolling, you have to fill it with something good, right? Like being in the Word or reading a book or going on a walk. So when that nightly, like, gosh, I need wine, you know, stops, then sometimes it just turns into, well, Netflix or just another like coping mechanism of just vegging out or and none of those things are bad. Again, I still love a glass of wine and I still love Netflix, but speaker-1: Everything with. speaker-0: Moderation. Exactly. But the point is like if you are underlyingly not processing your emotions and those are the things that you're doing to avoid, just check yourself. You know, ask yourself those questions. Yeah. Check yourself before you rack yourself. Have a good one. speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. I would that's all right. Well, okay, so let's talk about some of the emotions that we tend to hide. Anger is one. That one is one that, you know, nice Christian women aren't supposed to be angry. So it comes out as we're irritable, we're snappy. Sarcasm I use as a s that's speaker-0: Are you defending it? speaker-1: I'm defending sarcasm because I don't think it's always I don't think it's always anger. Or maybe I am angry all the time and that's why I live in sarcasm. But resentment, coldness, okay. And then you've got the sadness and grief because we're uncomfortable sitting in it. You've got fear and anxiety. We make it okay by saying we're we call it, you know, well, I'm just thinking about all the other possibilities, or I'm just being prepared, or, you know, going through worst case scenarios of what if I just want to make sure. Jealousy. This one, I think people have a really hard time admitting, which is where the comparison comes in. And we're embarrassed to admit it. And honestly, I think that would be probably one of the feelings that I would have the hardest time because it's you're admitting a weakness. Like jealousy is that that weakness. But again, you can feel it. It's not bad. Right. But it's the s the action that comes and how you handle it. speaker-0: That's exactly what I was gonna say. And I think that there's there is a all these emotions that you're talking about are valid and they are, you know, God breathed, obviously. You know, it's something that we should all we're all experiencing at different times. But it is just like with anger. It's like we can be angry, it's not a sin, but it's what we do with it. Right. You know, do we use it to wound someone else? Okay, well, obviously there then it's a sin. Or are we using it to get what we want or whatever? Like it's there. It's the same with all the emotions, you know? It's and I think that what I my biggest thing that I wanted to bring to the table was like this conversation and opening up because there are, as our listeners are listening, people like me and people like you. And I am a feeler and I am someone who, if you know me, you'd know my feelings. You know when I'm I'm passionate, I'm loud, I'm like over the top happy, or I'm like angry, or I'm like, really upset and devastated by something. Like I just feel really big. And for the longest time I felt awful being like that because not everybody met me there. And so this is where I just wanted to like these feelings and emotions that some people hide because you're too much for people. Ladies, if you feel and you're failers, you're not too much. I promise. It's a gift God has given us. And it's sometimes if we're not recognizing it in ourselves, we are recognizing emotions in the other people. And we get to call them out of people, like my dear friend sitting across from me here, just on a different screen. I get to know because I feel what she's feeling and I get to bring that out of her. It's a gift. That's not a bad thing. And she also can be like, Hey, you might want to just get a, you know, reel it in. You're feeling way

too much. That's not truth. That's not real. speaker-1: And I think too is that on the the flip side you've got me who where you can be feeling something really big and then I'm gonna snap you back to earth with like a sarcastic or something funny to get you out of grief or whatever. And it's just something like, because emotions are temporary. They're not they're not permanent and speaker-0: Feelings aren't facts. speaker-1: Feelings aren't facts. So they they can change and they can change quickly. Yeah. So do we ever feel that God needs the edited version of us when we come to Him? Like we may pray the polished prayer while we're still angry and scared or exhausted or disappointed, the where we're just like, Yay, I'm thank you, Lord. I'm so grateful for all the things. But I, you know, and then in my head I'm really going, but I really wanted that opportunity to go through and this hasn't gone through or why did my husband get let go? Or yeah, where you're not like because he can't handle it. speaker-0: Yeah. that's I definitely walked through that for sure. And I can't give a specific example. I just think it was like before I really knew. I mean, I've always I've known him for years, but I think this is like, I don't know, it's kind of a 40s revelation. I don't know if it's very menopause revelation, whatever. Like I've had this conversation a lot of like with a lot of women, I all of a sudden have just got this like, I don't give up attitude. And it's not that I don't care. That's not what I mean because I have all these emotions and I have these cares. It's that I've realized that it's okay to feel that way. It's okay to bring it to God. He's there for all of it. And so I don't carry the weight as much. It's so much easier for me when I pray to just like lay it at his feet and be like, I know this burden isn't mine to carry, but I want to bring it to you because it's heavy on my heart. Like before, I would be like, Okay, how can I help this person? How can I take care of this? What can I do? Because it just there was a responsibility of those emotions that I felt, I guess. And yeah. And I think that was just, you know, not knowing what to do with it. And I've been through a lot of therapy. Maybe that's been helpful. Good. speaker-1: This week. I it's been very helpful for me. Yeah, you're I'm yes, I love you going to therapy because then I just get it for free on the side. That's what I get. Like, and ask her about this. Going back to the emotion piece and how they're not bad is that that Jesus himself showed emotion and we talked about that. He wept, he felt deep sorrow and anguish, he showed compassion, he experienced distress, he expressed righteous anger. I mean in the Bible it even says righteous anger. And if you don't, if you want a quick reality check of what the emotion that Jesus felt, I highly suggest the chosen. Yeah. Because it's such a good example of the emotions that Jesus had to have felt. Because I feel too like the somebody brought up the point that like most of the time when we see Jesus or God played in some kind of media, it's a very flat character. It's very stoic. It's very just As is this is the situation. It's not the emotional, you don't see that because they're like, Well, he's God, he knows everything. Jesus knows everything. Jesus knew everything, knew how it all was gonna turn out, read the end of the book, and then still cried. Yeah. He still cried when Lazarus died. Yeah. But he also knew he was gonna raise him from the dead three days later. Right. Like there's so much of that. Like he knows that the end is going to be. hard and but he still knows that he wins and he still felt the anguish and other things. So I just speaker-0: Well, and I will say too, for those visual people, like the chosen is absolutely great because you can read the Bible, you can listen to the Bible, you know, but like to see it come to life like that and see it, the emotion that you like read and hear when you're in it is really, really cool. speaker-1: Highly recommend if you want something to do this fall with the family, start the Bible recap in October of going through the New Testament, which is chronological. And it's just gonna go, it'll start October first. And you can do that in the UVersion app. And then also watch the chosen because two, it helps you if you know the background of these Bible stories as you're seeing them play out in the chosen. And two, you can see where they took little liberties and things that they, you know, just didn't You know, it doesn't the Bible doesn't say that it didn't happen, but you can just see where they kind of went a little bit further. Yeah. On it. speaker-0: Okay, so that we can wrap this up, I want to give the Bible verse and just like just some encouragement. So the Bible verse that we chose to just really kind of be our faith anchor for just this conversation in general is Psalm sixty two, eight. Pour out your hearts before him. God is a refuge for us. And what you take from here is that to know that your emotions are okay. And if you feel it, great, feel it. Name it and bring it to God. And that's really just our encouragement. And if you don't know your emotions or you don't know what you're struggling with, you don't know how to do it, we do want to just encourage, you know, getting some, you know, professional help and support if you need. I can completely attest to that. I have walked through a lot of really heavy, just a lot of big things in life, especially in the last few years. And it's been such a gift. And I was in it for a little while, wasn't for a while, had to go back in. You know, it's okay. And I just I want to encourage that because I know a lot of people, you know. Some people can't always do that. And I understand that too. But if you're at a place where you just kind of don't know what you're dealing with or how to process it, I just encourage you to seek some help. speaker-1: Yep. So you can feel it, name it, bring it to God, and then choose where you need to go from there. So I we're gonna let we're gonna close. We're gonna close a little different. Yeah. We're gonna close with a prayer today. But as we wrap up, I wanna just say, listener, your emotions do not disqualify you from being faithful. They do not make you too much for God. They do not make you a burden. God already sees the parts that you have tried to hide, your fear, your disappointment, your anger, your sadness, your exhaustion, and he is still near. You do not have to pretend your way into his presence. You can come as you are. speaker-0: Yay. Hallelujah. Amen. All right. Now let's pray. God help us be honest about what is happening inside of us. Give us wisdom to recognize our patterns, courage to speak truth with safe people, grace for the ways we have coped and help to bring every feeling to you. Remind us that you are not afraid of our emotions and teach us to respond in ways that bring healing instead of hiding. Amen. speaker-1: Amen. Until next time, Housewives. Bye. speaker-0: N