התמלול המלא של Episode 12 – Debriefing

fairly obvious when you turned into a giant silver lady Smasher, but at least you did your whole science-y research thing. MAX Do you have any idea why you were able to transform when you did? Was it your anger? SOPHIA My emotions did trigger the transformation, yes, but I was only able to do so because of my injury. REN When Sally tried to firebomb you? SOPHIA Yes. I hit my head, which damaged a surgically implanted neural inhibitor. I ran many tests, and it would seem that the inhibitor had prevented me from being able to transform in the past. TAMMY So you think you’ve always been able to do that, but a chip in your head blocked it? SOPHIA Not in as few words, but yes. I believe that the neural inhibitor is also what prevents me from remembering my past. I am not sure if my amnesia was intended, or if it was an unfortunate side effect. REN Are you starting to remember anything? SOPHIA I wish that was the case, but no, I am not. I still see images and people that seem familiar in my dreams, but that is it. REN I wonder if Lucid Lucy could do some dreamwalking for you, to see what she can find out. SOPHIA This is a possibility. MAX Sophia, who would put something in your head? Do you think it was Smasher? SOPHIA I am not sure. It is hard to believe that my own father would go to such lengths to suppress my abilities. TAMMY Yeah, but he’s obviously been lying to you this whole time. You can’t trust him. MAX Okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but what if he doesn’t know that you’re his daughter? What if your mother never told him she was pregnant, and she left town, or, ooo, what if– REN Clone! What if you’re a female clone? TAMMY I think we’re getting carried away. SOPHIA Actually, I did discover some irregularities in my DNA, but I do not know if they were caused by having a superpowered parent, or if I am, in fact, a clone. Or something clone-adjacent. REN It would be so cool if you were a clone! Maybe that would explain how you have two powers. SOPHIA I am not the only person to have two powers. It is rare, but not impossible. Perhaps my transformative power is hereditary, and my memory is my own unique ability. MAX Sophia, if there was ever a time for a father-daughter heart-to-heart, this is it. You need to talk to him. SOPHIA Thank you for the segue into discussing my upcoming departure from Rose City. I tried to reach out to Smasher, but he was unavailable. To make matters worse, no one else from the A-league has been heard from in over a week. Even in the midst of their intergalactic adventures, they had been sending back progress reports every day or so. It has now been eight days with no word. TAMMY What does that mean? Are they okay? SOPHIA I do not know, but it is my responsibility to find out the answer. MAX So, what, you have to spend time researching new ways to contact them? SOPHIA No, I am traveling to their last known location. TAMMY By yourself? SOPHIA No, I am being accompanied by another A-league sidekick, Chameleon, and I was

granted permission to bring one additional team member. REN Is it anyone we know? SOPHIA Yes, Ren. It is you. REN Uhh... What now? SOPHIA In light of my new power upgrade, I was promoted to hero status, at least for the interim. However, considering the lack of control I have in my transformed state, I would like you there for a failsafe, in case I lose it again. REN Oh, great, I’m always the backup plan. SOPHIA Also, I really enjoy you as a person. If I am to be sent off into space for months, I would love to have your company. REN Can I… think about it? I don’t know if I can leave my family for that long. TAMMY Do it, kid. Max and I can check in on your family if you want. MAX Hey, if I had a chance to travel to another galaxy to try to save some of the top heroes in the universe, I would definitely do it. I wonder if my powers work with aliens? Or at least alien animals? REN You would really help my family? What if they need money? TAMMY We got you. Seriously. The universe needs you. REN I know I’m coming off as apprehensive, but I’m also freaking out inside, and I don’t know how to express myself. So, umm. Yes. SOPHIA Yes? Are you sure? REN Yes. Holy BLEEP. I’m going to outer space! SOPHIA I am delighted! REN Does that mean I can stop calling myself Snoozy Susie? SOPHIA Yes, you will no longer work for Lucid Lucy. As my sidekick, you can use whatever name you like best. REN Well, then, you can all start calling me... Lullaby! I’m working on a catchphrase, but it’s not quite there yet. TAMMY Um, if you knock people out, literally no one will ever hear your catchphrase. You’d be wasting your words on piles of sleeping bodies. REN Crap, I never thought of that. It doesn’t matter. Anyway, Lullaby feels good. Not too cutesy, not too aggressive. It’s the porridge that’s just right. MAX But didn’t you already try out Lullaby? REN Yeah, it was one of Lucy’s rejects. And I don’t care! SOPHIA Well, Lullaby, I will brief you on the details after we finish this debrief. MAX This is really less of a debrief, and more of a group conversation trying to tie up loose ends. TAMMY Speaking of loose ends, have you talked to ID since your time in the shipping container? MAX What does that have to do with loose ends? SOPHIA  I believe it was a derogatory reference to anal sex. MAX Loose ends? Ew, gross! No! I haven’t seen him. REN To be fair, you never see him. MAX You know what I mean. And no, I haven’t heard from him since we all woke up from Ren’s snoozefest. TAMMY Interesting. MAX Please don’t tease me about him again. It’s bad enough that I have a weird unjustifiable crush on an invisible guy, but now that I know that he knows about it? It’s a good thing I can’t see him, because if I did, I would probably melt into a puddle of shame. TAMMY So, you didn’t talk about anything, like, non-work related during your time stuck together? MAX You’re needling me. Why are you needling me? TAMMY Because it’s fun. SOPHIA Tammy, I do not know if you should be the one to tell Max about– REN Oh, come on, just rip off the bandaid! We all suck at secrets. MAX What secret? Oh god, is he here listening to this, too? We need to get him one of those cat collars with the jingling bells. TAMMY Hey, you could pick one up at Pet Universe with your employee discount. MAX Tammy. TAMMY He’s not here, I promise. MAX And? TAMMY Your slightly creepy crush appears to be… mutual. MAX What do you mean, mutual? REN How were you valedictorian of anything? SOPHIA Max. You are interested in Invisidude. Invisidude is interested in you. That makes the attraction mutual. MAX Umm, okay, but, so, he’s– He– What? TAMMY Oh come on, this is when you’re at a loss for words? MAX Is this... an assumption, or, like, public knowledge? TAMMY Public knowledge? More like, pubic knowledge! MAX Ew, too far, Tam, even for you. SOPHIA Max, he told us. I think he meant it. TAMMY I’m just surprised he didn’t tell you! MAX Well, I was in the middle of, you know, being kidnapped, so it didn’t really come up. TAMMY Oh, no, it probably came up, but you couldn’t see it. MAX Ugh, have you been hitting the box wine again? You’re extra raunchy tonight. REN She just misses Linus. They’re in looooooove. TAMMY Shut up, Karen. REN BLEEP. Shutting up now. MAX So, what do I do? TAMMY What do you mean, what do you do? You like each other. Do something about it. MAX I don’t even know what he looks like. TAMMY Are you afraid he’s an uggo? REN Well, if he’s invisible, I don’t think that would matter. MAX No, that’s not it. I- I don’t really know anything about him. SFX: PHONE VIBRATION MAX Tammy, why did you just text me, we’re like 5 feet apart. TAMMY I sent you his number. MAX Oh. Why does it say Elijah? TAMMY Because that’s his name, stupid. He wasn’t born with that terrible alias. No offense, Ren. REN What’s that supposed to mean? MAX So, umm, thanks, I guess. Maybe I’ll text him to see how he’s doing after that whole Sally Mander thing… TAMMY You do whatever you wanna do. I facilitated it, so my role is now complete. If we’re done talking about Max, now, I also have news. MAX Oh god, you’re not pregnant are you? TAMMY Shut up, no, I’m not pregnant. Considering how many times we’ve discussed my condom purchases, that would be shocking. There was something else that Fourth Wall told me back when I met him and ID at the audition. He told me that I was never going to be a sidekick again. SOPHIA Does this mean that you are quitting? REN Or are you going solo, vigilante style? MAX I hope not. Vigilantes don’t make any money, and we still have a lot of bills to pay. TAMMY No, nothing like that. I–I’m finally going legit. MAX Uh, what? TAMMY Fourth Wall passed along some information to the B-league, about the behavior of one of their heroes, uh, Slap. She’d apparently been mistreating and, um, abusing her sidekicks, so she was kicked off the team. Which left an opening. For me! MAX Tampon. Are you serious? Don’t mess with me. TAMMY Maxipad, I’m as serious as a punch to the boob.

SOPHIA I can vouch for her. I have experienced a boob punch, and it was quite serious. MAX Tammy, I don’t know what to say. I’m glad to hear Slap is being kicked to the curb. TAMMY Thanks, bro. Slap had it coming, but I was still surprised that she finally got “me too’d.” MAX Does this mean you’re moving out? TAMMY Oh, god no. But it does mean you can finally quit Pet Universe and stop worrying about my share of the rent! MAX I’ll take it. REN So, you’ll be working on the B-league alongside Lucid Lucy and the others? TAMMY I mean, yeah, if I have to. I still think she’s a psychotic BLEEP, but yes. SOPHIA Tammy, does this mean that you will have your own sidekick? TAMMY Oh. Wow. I never thought of that. MAX After the hundreds of auditions you’ve been on, you’ll finally be the one in control! That sounds pretty fun. I mean for you, not for the sidekicks. TAMMY I don’t know, it probably won’t be that– Hey, wait a minute. Why are you all smiling like a bunch of idiots? Does my discomfort amuse you? REN Sorry, I’m just thinking about going into outer space. SOPHIA I am thinking about finding my father. MAX And I’m thinking about what to text to Invisidude. I mean, Elijah. TAMMY Thank you for all being the worst sidekick support group ever. Thanks for focusing on my issues. SOPHIA Will I even be welcome anymore? Tammy and I are no longer going to be sidekicks. TAMMY Well, I live here, so I’m not going anywhere. MAX Sophia, when you and Ren get back to Earth, you’re always welcome here. Once a sidekick, always a sidekick. TAMMY No, Max, honey, that’s not how that works. There’s like a super clear distinction. MAX Hey, not always! What about duos and teams? They bypass the hero-sidekick dynamic and work together as equals! Like, uh, Wine and Cheese! REN Who’s that? SOPHIA Wine and Cheese were a superpowered duo in the 1970’s. TAMMY That’s a pretty dated reference, Max. Do you have any current or relevant examples? MAX I’ll think on it. TAMMY Duos don’t work because there’s always a power struggle. Our egos can get really big. MAX Is that why you like Linus so much? His huge… ego? TAMMY I please the fifth. Plead! Not please. I plead the fifth. MAX Well, that was a Freudian Slip if I’ve ever heard one. TAMMY You know, I ran into a henchie one time named Freudian Slip. MAX Oh, no. SOPHIA Was this henchperson able to force people to reveal information from their subconscious through accidental word substitutions? TAMMY Umm, no, he was a clumsy therapist. SOPHIA Oh. That is less exciting. TAMMY Yeah, that’s what I thought, too. He tried to psychoanalyze me while tripping and falling. It was pretty sad. MAX Speaking of sad, I’m trying to imagine you hosting your own auditions for sidekicks. You’re not gonna like anyone. TAMMY That’s not true. I like all of you, and you’re sidekicks. SOPHIA Correction, I am an interim hero now. TAMMY See what I mean about the ego thing? SOPHIA I do not have an inflated ego. I am proud of my accomplishments. There is a big difference. TAMMY Not as big as your ego. REN I didn’t know you were getting a promotion, Sophia, but I brought something for you, so I guess you can think of it as a congratulations gift. SOPHIA Why did you bring it for me, if you did not originally have a reason? REN Well, you mentioned you never knew when your birthday was, so you never celebrated it. I wanted to surprise you with a birthday present… SOPHIA Ren, I… I have no words. I do not really have a family to speak of, but… you are the sister I’ve always wanted. You’re so sweet. It means so much to me, thank you. TAMMY Holy BLEEPing BLEEP, did anyone else hear that? She used not one, but two contractions. SOPHIA Yes, that has happened occasionally since my transformation the other day. It’s odd. It is odd. I do not like it. TAMMY Well, I love it! REN Umm. Sophia. You can open it, you know. There’s something in the envelope. SOPHIA Oh, yes, sorry, I will open it now. (squeals) MAX Well? What did she get you? SOPHIA (squeals) TAMMY Did she just have her first orgasm? MAX What is it? SOPHIA It’s a gift card for build-a-bear! TAMMY Oh, brother. REN Just let me know when you want to go, and we can go together! SOPHIA I can pick a furry body husk, stuff it with filling and love, dress it up, and give it a name! REN Uh, yup. That’s how it works! SOPHIA The minute we return to the planet, we shall go. This will give me a reason to survive and come back! REN Uh, survive? How dangerous is this mission? SOPHIA It is partially fact-finding, partially diplomatic, and we also may be inserted into the middle of an intergalactic war with the Kromin Empire. REN Uh, maybe I need to think about this more. MAX Hey, just remember, you’re going to space! REN Oh, uh. Yay. SFX: PHONE VIBRATION MAX Uh, oh. He just texted me back. TAMMY Who, ID? MAX Yeah. I’m afraid to read it. TAMMY What did you text him? MAX I asked if he wanted to meet up and talk about everything that happened. TAMMY Well, that was vague. What did he say? MAX He said, “Sure, when are you free?” TAMMY That’s not terrible! SOPHIA I am optimistic for you, Max. REN Yeah, go hit that. TAMMY Ew, Ren, respect your elders. REN Okay, boomer. TAMMY Oh, no you didn’t. I need more wine. MAX Maybe you shouldn’t have any more. TAMMY We have a lot to celebrate! SFX: SONIC HICCUP MAX BLEEP, her sonic hiccups are back! Cover your ears! SFX: SONIC HICCUP SOPHIA What should we do? MAX Get out! TAMMY No, don’t go, I can stop! SOUND: SONIC HICCUP REN I have an idea. MAX Ren, get away from her, what are you doing? SFX: SONIC HICCUP TAMMY Hey, don’t invade my personal space! REN Shh, shh, just listen… TAMMY What are you– MAX What just happened? Is she okay? REN Yep, she’s fine. I just put her to sleep. MAX How did you do that without putting all of us to sleep? REN I whispered into her ear and sang as softly as I could. SOPHIA Have you used your power like this before? REN No, I just... tried it. I wasn’t sure if she’d fall asleep, because whispering doesn’t use your vocal cords, and I wasn’t sure if you would be affected or not, but, hey! It worked! SOPHIA It is nice to see you growing more comfortable with your powers. During our space voyage, maybe we can test the limits of your abilities. REN Yeah, why not? MAX So, what do we do with my sister? REN Eh, just let her sleep it off. SOPHIA Will she miss out on the rest of our celebration? MAX She celebrates enough, she’ll be fine. REN Hey, even if she’s butthurt about it, you know what they say: You snooze, you lose! Hey, that’s a good catchphrase. MAX Okay, so I guess we’re doing catchphrases. Sophia, let’s tap another box of wine and… Let’s get Buckwild! SOPHIA I am glad I do not have a catchphrase. MAX Yeah, that’s probably for the best. MAX In this episode of Second Fiddles, Max is voiced by Mat Johnson, Tammy is voiced by Liz Thompson, Ren is voiced by Kristy Barkan, Sophia is voiced by Robyn Rime, and Fourth Wall is voiced by John Pupo. Thanks for listening.