תעתיק 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:14.480
What would you think of a mother who moved with her daughter to university, shared her room, got her breakfast in the morning, cooked her meals, put on her socks and shoes, changed her bedlinen, washed her clothes, ran around town doing errands for her.
00:00:14.800 --> 00:00:16.000
Mm-hmm, me too.
00:00:16.160 --> 00:00:17.199
But listen up.
00:00:17.519 --> 00:00:27.280
I am now living at Oxford University, sharing my daughter's bedroom because her injuries were so bad that she can't physically do a lot of these things yet.
00:00:27.519 --> 00:00:32.719
The university has been incredibly supportive, but Oxford is super high pressure at the best of times.
00:00:32.960 --> 00:00:38.719
She needs to be with her friends, but she also needs her rest and a high protein diet, etc., etc.
00:00:38.960 --> 00:00:43.439
And I don't want this horrible situation to be any more painful than necessary.
00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:46.880
So this is the best way to launch her.
00:00:47.119 --> 00:00:49.840
If you're thinking, wait a second, what injuries?
00:00:50.000 --> 00:00:52.560
Then go back and listen to the hot water bottle warning.
00:00:52.880 --> 00:00:56.000
Or you can read all about it by clicking the link in the notes.
00:00:56.159 --> 00:00:56.960
Your choice.
00:00:57.200 --> 00:01:06.480
Anyway, I'm telling you all of this because I have a terrific interview I'm dying to share with you about why giving our kids rewards doesn't work.
00:01:06.719 --> 00:01:10.480
But I don't have access to good enough Wi-Fi to edit it and I'm dog tired.
00:01:10.640 --> 00:01:16.159
And who am I to tell you to put less pressure on yourself if I'm not prepared to take my own advice?
00:01:16.319 --> 00:01:19.920
So instead, I thought, you know what we all need right now?
00:01:20.079 --> 00:01:21.599
It's the amazing Dr.
00:01:21.760 --> 00:01:22.239
Jodi.
00:01:22.560 --> 00:01:28.959
Again, she knows her stuff, she even made a lot of you cry, and I think her message deserves repeating.
00:01:29.120 --> 00:01:31.680
Stay fearless, fill your life with wonder.
00:01:31.840 --> 00:01:32.400
Here's Dr.
00:01:32.560 --> 00:01:33.120
Jodi.
00:01:36.879 --> 00:01:43.519
Hello and welcome to Teenagers Untangled, the audio hug for everyone supporting someone going through the tween and teen years.
00:01:43.599 --> 00:01:48.480
I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters.
00:01:48.799 --> 00:01:54.640
Now, what one thing can we teach our kids that will make the most difference to their lives?
00:01:54.879 --> 00:01:59.359
Today's guest is convinced that teaching our kids emotional regulation is vital.
00:01:59.599 --> 00:02:01.840
What do we mean by emotional regulation?
00:02:02.079 --> 00:02:04.799
Why is it so important and how can we teach it?
00:02:04.959 --> 00:02:05.200
Dr.
00:02:05.280 --> 00:02:13.280
Jodie Carrington is a psychologist who's written three best-selling books, speaks on hundreds of stages globally each year, and hosts the podcast Unlowly.
00:02:13.520 --> 00:02:17.680
She's also a mum to three, a hockey coach and passionate about human connection.
00:02:17.919 --> 00:02:19.039
Welcome to the show, Dr.
00:02:19.199 --> 00:02:19.919
Jodie.
00:02:20.319 --> 00:02:21.599
Ah, thank you for having me.
00:02:21.680 --> 00:02:23.360
That long list just made me exhausted.
00:02:23.520 --> 00:02:26.879
When you said those things, I was like, holy Lord, I don't know how I'll be hanging on.
00:02:27.039 --> 00:02:27.680
I did breathe.
00:02:27.919 --> 00:02:28.879
Oh, thank you so much.
00:02:29.199 --> 00:02:41.039
I read your book, Kids These Days, and so much of it resonated with my own experience, both in terms of, you know, what I looked for from adults around me when I was growing up and what has made the most difference with my own kids.
00:02:41.199 --> 00:02:51.520
And we're going to talk about emotional regulation, but I want to start with a concept of behaviorism and how we can recognize those ideas and why they're so problematic.
00:02:51.840 --> 00:02:53.360
Okay, let's take it from the top.
00:02:53.599 --> 00:02:56.479
The definition of emotional regulation is how not to lose your friggin' mind.
00:02:56.560 --> 00:02:56.879
Okay.
00:02:57.120 --> 00:02:59.039
How to stay calm in times of distress.
00:02:59.120 --> 00:03:03.439
And it is the greatest, in fact, the only thing of importance that you will teach your children.
00:03:03.759 --> 00:03:07.039
When you can stay calm in times of distress, you will do well in this world.
00:03:07.199 --> 00:03:12.000
It is the greatest predictor of emotional well-being and it is the greatest predictor of success.
00:03:12.240 --> 00:03:14.960
We're all born with three ways to regulate emotion.
00:03:15.039 --> 00:03:15.840
We get them for free.
00:03:15.919 --> 00:03:16.240
Okay.
00:03:16.400 --> 00:03:20.719
Regardless of age, race, religion, socioeconomic, status, or gender, identity, we all come with three for free.
00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:21.120
Okay.
00:03:21.759 --> 00:03:24.400
Fight, flight, and freeze.
00:03:24.800 --> 00:03:32.400
The job of big people is to teach kids all the rest of the ways to regulate emotion, how to stay calm in times of distress.
00:03:32.560 --> 00:03:32.879
Okay.
00:03:33.280 --> 00:03:38.560
So I'm going to give you the neuroanatomy behind emotional regulation.
00:03:38.639 --> 00:03:38.960
Okay.
00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:45.599
So I if you're just, I don't know if we get a video on this, but if you're just listening to this, I want you just to imagine in your mind's eye, okay?
00:03:45.680 --> 00:03:46.639
I want you to put your hand up.
00:03:46.879 --> 00:03:48.000
Hopefully you're not driving.
00:03:48.159 --> 00:03:50.639
Put your hand up and tuck your thumb in the inside of your palm.
00:03:50.800 --> 00:03:51.120
Okay.
00:03:51.360 --> 00:03:53.520
And there wrap your fingers around your thumb.
00:03:53.759 --> 00:03:56.479
Now, in front
Load full transcript
of your face now is a hand model of your brain.
00:03:56.639 --> 00:03:56.800
Okay.
00:03:56.879 --> 00:04:00.319
So your thumb is tucked in the inside, your fingers are wrapped around your thumb.
00:04:00.560 --> 00:04:03.360
That is about the same size of the brain that's currently sitting in your skull.
00:04:03.520 --> 00:04:03.840
Okay.
00:04:04.479 --> 00:04:09.439
And it sort of anatomically, your arm represents your spinal cord, your wrist is your brainstem.
00:04:09.520 --> 00:04:11.759
If you flip your fingers up, tucked inside is your limbic system.
00:04:11.840 --> 00:04:12.960
That is the most primitive part of our brain.
00:04:13.039 --> 00:04:16.399
So our babies develop interceptively, all of us do, from the inside out.
00:04:16.560 --> 00:04:23.600
And the limbic system, the most primitive part of your brain, houses the three emotional regulation strategies we get for free: fight, flight, and freeze.
00:04:23.839 --> 00:04:27.920
What separates humans from most other mammals is the prefrontal cortex that wraps around the limbic system.
00:04:28.000 --> 00:04:31.600
So if you put your fingers now wrapping around your thumb, that's your prefrontal cortex.
00:04:31.680 --> 00:04:33.199
And it's it sits right above your eyeballs.
00:04:33.279 --> 00:04:33.519
Okay.
00:04:33.600 --> 00:04:35.759
I always say everything you've ever learned lives right above your balls.
00:04:35.839 --> 00:04:38.319
People really like that, but it's about it's not true.
00:04:38.480 --> 00:04:39.600
But it's about your balls.
00:04:39.680 --> 00:04:41.839
Your eyeballs is where your prefrontal cortex sits.
00:04:42.000 --> 00:04:44.079
And it houses everything you've ever learned in your life.
00:04:44.240 --> 00:04:44.480
Okay.
00:04:44.639 --> 00:04:52.959
So for you and me, if I were to ask you your first childhood phone number, if I were to ask you the pin number to your bank card, you could, many people could regurgitate that for me.
00:04:53.040 --> 00:04:56.000
My my childhood phone number was 336-3234.
00:04:56.079 --> 00:04:57.600
I can tell you the pin number to my bank card.
00:04:57.680 --> 00:04:59.519
Any language you speak lives up there.
00:04:59.839 --> 00:05:12.720
Any musical instrument you play, if you play a musical instrument, if you've ever play a sport, everything you've ever learned in your life, including how to use your words, how to be kind, how to apologize, anything you've ever learned in your life.
00:05:12.800 --> 00:05:15.439
So my friend Dan Siegel said, I want you to think about this like a lid.
00:05:15.600 --> 00:05:19.360
When your lid is on, you have access to everything you've ever learned in your life.
00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:28.959
So if you've ever looked at your children and you were proud of them, they were using their words or they were being kind to grandma or they're finally being nice to their siblings, you're like, that's who your baby is.
00:05:29.199 --> 00:05:31.120
That's them with their lid on.
00:05:31.439 --> 00:05:34.399
And rarely do we judge our babies in this capacity.
00:05:34.560 --> 00:05:36.560
We usually judge it in any other way, right?
00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:37.920
But that's who they are.
00:05:38.639 --> 00:05:46.560
Like if you've ever gone on a second date in your life and you you decided to go on that second date because your prospective partner's lid was on.
00:05:46.800 --> 00:05:47.120
Yeah?
00:05:47.279 --> 00:05:48.160
Have you ever heard this?
00:05:48.319 --> 00:05:49.680
She's flipped her lid.
00:05:50.480 --> 00:05:51.680
He's lost his friggin' mind.
00:05:51.759 --> 00:05:53.600
That's the definition of emotional dysregulation.
00:05:53.759 --> 00:05:56.399
You don't lose your ability to be great, you lose access to it.
00:05:56.879 --> 00:06:02.639
And when you bring a baby home from the hospital, yeah, when you when you bring a baby home from the hospital, how do they let you know what they need?
00:06:02.879 --> 00:06:03.279
They cry.
00:06:03.519 --> 00:06:03.839
They cry.
00:06:04.000 --> 00:06:08.240
They lose their friggin' mind because there's not a lot up there yet that says, listen, mom, I'm gonna need a bum change.
00:06:08.399 --> 00:06:09.920
Or dad, let me out of here.
00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:11.199
Grandma's voice is annoying.
00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:12.240
They lose their friggin' mind.
00:06:12.319 --> 00:06:13.759
And you know what the job of big people is?
00:06:14.560 --> 00:06:19.439
It's in the words of Ram Das, who's a dead guy, a philosopher, a yogi, changed my whole life.
00:06:19.600 --> 00:06:23.759
He said these this string of words that changed everything for me as a mom and a clinician.
00:06:23.839 --> 00:06:27.040
He said this we are all just here walking each other home.
00:06:28.319 --> 00:06:29.439
Oh, that's wonderful.
00:06:30.160 --> 00:06:32.319
Nobody gets out of here alive.
00:06:32.560 --> 00:06:36.560
And the only job of parents is the walking.
00:06:37.360 --> 00:06:39.759
And so what's interesting is it's in our bones.
00:06:39.839 --> 00:06:40.480
You don't have to learn this.
00:06:40.560 --> 00:06:41.839
You don't have to read another parenting book.
00:06:41.920 --> 00:06:42.800
You don't have to do anything else.
00:06:42.879 --> 00:06:47.680
You already know moms, you already know dad, what you need to do because it's in your bones.
00:06:48.079 --> 00:06:53.120
You could read my book, which is really helpful, but most other things you already know, and I'll tell you why.
00:06:53.600 --> 00:06:58.480
The first sound that every human felt first on this globe was what?
00:06:58.879 --> 00:07:03.199
Dun dun, dum, dum, dum, dum, the heartbeats of our mamas.
00:07:03.680 --> 00:07:09.360
And whether she's alive or you have a relationship with her or not, your understanding of emotional regulation is in your bones.
00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:13.199
Because what we don't need in times of distress is somebody to tell us what to do.
00:07:13.360 --> 00:07:15.199
We need
somebody to show us.
00:07:15.439 --> 00:07:19.120
And if the big people aren't okay, the little people don't stand a chance.
00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:21.360
You can't tell anybody how to calm down.
00:07:21.439 --> 00:07:22.399
You have to show them.
00:07:22.639 --> 00:07:25.600
Never in the history of telling, I mean, anybody's still married?
00:07:25.759 --> 00:07:30.240
Never in the history of somebody saying to you, oh, relax, Rachel, did you go?
00:07:30.720 --> 00:07:31.680
So here's what's interesting.
00:07:32.399 --> 00:07:32.959
Good point.
00:07:33.279 --> 00:07:33.759
Right?
00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:38.079
When you were this is a universal response to a crying infant, okay?
00:07:38.160 --> 00:07:50.319
In your country, my country, uh globally, okay, regardless of age, race, religion, socioeconomic status, or gender identity, if you're emotionally regulated and come upon another human, an infant that's crying, you are neurobiologically wired to pick that baby up.
00:07:50.480 --> 00:07:57.439
Okay, if it's just you and that kid, you come upon an infant in a car seat, nobody else is around, you're like, oh, you wouldn't just walk by and be like, oh shoot, I hope somebody gets that one.
00:07:57.680 --> 00:07:59.519
You are neurobiologically wired to pick that up.
00:07:59.600 --> 00:08:18.000
And even if you've never held a baby, like if I were to zoom in into Afghanistan or Nigeria or Guyana or um Scotland or Newfoundland, Canada, and I were to watch somebody come upon a crying infant, they would pick that baby up, even if they've never held a baby, and they would engage in a rhythmic exchange.
00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:18.879
Hmm.
00:08:19.360 --> 00:08:19.920
Hmm.
00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:25.439
In an effort to regulate them, to put their lid back on, to walk them home.
00:08:26.160 --> 00:08:28.160
So here's what's interesting.
00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:36.879
If babies have people, walkers in their world that are regulated, they start to learn how to regulate their emotion because people are showing them that.
00:08:37.039 --> 00:08:39.360
So if you come, you can imagine the exact opposite of this.
00:08:39.440 --> 00:08:42.000
You come from multiple generations of abuse, neglect, and trauma.
00:08:42.240 --> 00:08:43.679
Big people are not okay.
00:08:43.759 --> 00:08:49.200
They're dysregulated, they're losing their mind, usually for their own because nobody's done it for them.
00:08:49.360 --> 00:08:52.080
You can't give away something you've never received.
00:08:52.399 --> 00:08:56.559
And our greatest job is in the walking because you can't teach anybody whose lids flipped.
00:08:56.639 --> 00:08:58.399
It's neurobiologically impossible.
00:08:58.559 --> 00:09:00.240
You cannot learn with a flipped lid.
00:09:00.639 --> 00:09:10.720
And historically, what we've learned about behaviorism is we know people are best when their lids are on because they're predictable, they're calm, and they have access to the best parts of them.
00:09:11.039 --> 00:09:16.559
So my forefathers of psychology were sitting around, I imagined this in my mind, and they were like, How do we get people to be calm?
00:09:16.639 --> 00:09:18.720
Because we need people calm on this globe.
00:09:18.799 --> 00:09:19.600
What are we gonna do?
00:09:19.759 --> 00:09:24.159
And my forefathers of psychology, the boys I like to call them, Watson and Skinner, were sitting around.
00:09:24.240 --> 00:09:25.759
And Watson was like, I got it.
00:09:26.080 --> 00:09:26.799
Come to my lab.
00:09:26.960 --> 00:09:29.600
Look what happens when you shock a rat.
00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:32.559
Oh, son of a gun.
00:09:32.799 --> 00:09:34.240
It stops the behavior.
00:09:34.480 --> 00:09:34.879
Huh?
00:09:35.600 --> 00:09:39.360
And then Skinner was like, I uh I got the other side of that.
00:09:39.440 --> 00:09:40.080
Come to my lab.
00:09:40.240 --> 00:09:44.399
Look what happens when you reward a pigeon with colored water.
00:09:44.559 --> 00:09:46.879
Oh, shoot, it does more pecking.
00:09:46.960 --> 00:09:48.000
Let's do that with children.
00:09:48.159 --> 00:09:48.399
Okay.
00:09:48.559 --> 00:09:52.799
Let's do the rewards and consequences because look how effective this works to getting people back home.
00:09:54.399 --> 00:10:00.559
The interesting thing is there was a lot of other things that were going on when we implemented the concept of behaviorism.
00:10:00.960 --> 00:10:04.240
Because the tr the problem with a strict behavioral model is it works.
00:10:04.399 --> 00:10:07.039
If you have a big enough stick, you can get anybody to comply.
00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:07.519
Okay.
00:10:07.600 --> 00:10:08.080
Just ask.
00:10:08.480 --> 00:10:09.840
Yeah, but my husband pointed that out.
00:10:09.919 --> 00:10:10.799
I said, torture doesn't work.
00:10:10.879 --> 00:10:12.000
He went, No, it does actually work.
00:10:12.480 --> 00:10:12.799
It does.
00:10:15.120 --> 00:10:17.840
The question is then, what does it leave you with?
00:10:18.480 --> 00:10:22.799
And historically, what we didn't know we had to measure was relationship and connection.
00:10:23.039 --> 00:10:24.480
Because that was built in.
00:10:24.639 --> 00:10:31.679
Think about in one generation, Rachel, think about the score of footage of the house that our grandfathers were raised in and the score of fortage of the house in which we raise our babies.
00:10:31.840 --> 00:10:37.600
It is estimated that our great-grandparents looked at their children 72% more of the time than we look at our babies today.
00:10:37.840 --> 00:10:42.080
So if you were parenting from a strict behavioral model, it was kind of okay.
00:10:42.159 --> 00:10:43.440
Because I always give this example.
00:10:43.519 --> 00:10:46.159
So I grew up on a farm in rural Alberta, Canada.
00:10:46.320 --> 00:10:50.720
And if we were out chasing the cows, and I'm not very fast, I'm five foot frigall in real life.
00:10:50.879 --> 00:10:56.080
And so if I couldn't catch up and I'd let
some cow through the gate, my dad would be like, What the hell?
00:10:56.399 --> 00:10:57.360
Jesus H.
00:10:57.519 --> 00:10:59.440
Murphy, what are you doing?
00:10:59.679 --> 00:11:01.679
And so then I'm devastated, I'm sad.
00:11:01.840 --> 00:11:07.360
But within 30 minutes, we're back in the house, sitting around a kitchen table the size of a coffee cup.
00:11:07.519 --> 00:11:09.759
And he may never have said to me, I don't remember this.
00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:11.679
I'm saying to me, baby girl, I'm so sorry.
00:11:11.840 --> 00:11:13.440
But he would say, Pass a piece.
00:11:13.840 --> 00:11:16.080
Or he would say, What time's your ring acking?
00:11:16.480 --> 00:11:19.360
And so there was opportunity to repair and bring them back home.
00:11:19.440 --> 00:11:23.120
And there was enough connection in that community to walk us back there.
00:11:24.080 --> 00:11:28.799
Now, in this last decade, we've never seen anxiety and depression this high in kids.
00:11:29.039 --> 00:11:33.440
For the first time in history, we are dying faster from emotional illness than we are from physical illness.
00:11:33.600 --> 00:11:35.039
And we are worried about the kids.
00:11:35.200 --> 00:11:36.159
I am not worried about the kids.
00:11:36.240 --> 00:11:38.240
I've been a child psychologist for over 20 years.
00:11:38.399 --> 00:11:40.799
I've assessed and treated over a thousand kids.
00:11:41.039 --> 00:11:43.440
And I had not one time have I met a bad baby.
00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:44.240
Not one time.
00:11:44.399 --> 00:11:47.039
I've met a lot of babies who are emotionally dysregulated.
00:11:47.200 --> 00:11:56.399
And the issue is you can bring your kid to me all day long and say, I need you to see my kid every time I say, absolutely, I'd love to assess your child, but I need to see you first.
00:11:56.639 --> 00:11:58.799
And people say, Oh, you think I'm the problem?
00:11:59.200 --> 00:12:00.159
You think I'm the problem?
00:12:00.240 --> 00:12:01.039
And I say this.
00:12:02.159 --> 00:12:02.480
No.
00:12:02.879 --> 00:12:04.399
I'm nodding my head, yes.
00:12:04.720 --> 00:12:05.039
No.
00:12:05.519 --> 00:12:07.039
But you know the solution.
00:12:07.200 --> 00:12:11.039
Because if you are not okay, I can do a quality gold standard treatment.
00:12:11.200 --> 00:12:13.519
An hour, I can charge you 300 bucks an hour.
00:12:13.679 --> 00:12:14.960
I can do all the things.
00:12:15.039 --> 00:12:17.759
And assessment's important because I need to know what's going on with that baby.
00:12:17.840 --> 00:12:24.799
The treatment lies within the system because emotional regulation is a practice again and again and again.
00:12:24.879 --> 00:12:26.799
The job of little people is to lose their mind.
00:12:27.039 --> 00:12:28.799
The job of big people is to walk them home.
00:12:28.960 --> 00:12:30.320
Again and again and again and again.
00:12:30.399 --> 00:12:35.200
And it's exhausting, which is why we've never needed so much important like support for parents.
00:12:35.360 --> 00:12:37.200
This is why your podcast is critical.
00:12:37.360 --> 00:12:44.320
This is why we need to, in solidarity, come back together and say it's never been so hard to parent because this world is so disconnected and overwhelmed.
00:12:44.480 --> 00:12:52.240
We got so many stupid people on dumb platforms telling people erroneous and harmful information.
00:12:52.399 --> 00:12:54.799
Like, did you have a dolphin-assisted pool birth?
00:12:54.879 --> 00:12:55.440
Oh, you didn't.
00:12:55.519 --> 00:12:56.000
Okay, shit.
00:12:56.080 --> 00:12:57.360
Well, your kid's gonna have ADHD.
00:12:57.519 --> 00:13:03.039
Yes, and this whole, this whole kind of narrative that if you didn't do all of this before the age of two, you forget it.
00:13:03.120 --> 00:13:03.679
They're broken.
00:13:03.840 --> 00:13:04.720
Surely it's never changed.
00:13:04.960 --> 00:13:06.720
No, I wouldn't do what I do if this is true.
00:13:06.799 --> 00:13:08.080
Now, the the data's really clear.
00:13:08.159 --> 00:13:12.639
I mean, zero to two, um, particularly early on, is really critical in terms of neural development.
00:13:12.720 --> 00:13:13.039
Okay.
00:13:13.440 --> 00:13:20.000
So we want to, the greatest investment, if I were to ask, and I, you know, I spoke at the United Nations um just over a year ago.
00:13:20.080 --> 00:13:23.039
And the question to me was, what do we do about this mental health crisis?
00:13:23.200 --> 00:13:24.799
And I said, here, here's what's interesting.
00:13:24.960 --> 00:13:27.919
We're in an understandable human response to a loneliness epidemic.
00:13:28.159 --> 00:13:34.720
And your greatest intervention is in the big people, teachers, parents, police officers, those doing the walking.
00:13:34.879 --> 00:13:38.799
Because if they're not okay, the people we're serving don't stand a chance.
00:13:39.039 --> 00:13:42.399
And one of the loneliest groups on the planet right now are young moms.
00:13:42.720 --> 00:13:46.399
Because if you're breastfeeding in the middle of the night, I mean, I our oldest is 15.
00:13:46.480 --> 00:13:56.720
And so when I had him, so introduction of the smartphone was 2006, introduction of the forward-facing cameras 2009, we saw a massive decline in emotional health in about 2013.
00:13:56.879 --> 00:14:01.600
When I was breastfeeding our son at 2000, in 2010, you know, and I overwhelmed as many parents.
00:14:01.919 --> 00:14:03.519
I mean, I had worked as a child psychologist.
00:14:03.600 --> 00:14:05.759
I I wrote a best-selling book called Kids These Days.
00:14:05.840 --> 00:14:06.799
It's so friggin' good.
00:14:06.960 --> 00:14:10.080
If you watch me with my own personal children, you wouldn't buy the book.
00:14:10.320 --> 00:14:12.480
I wrote that thing when I was regulated.
00:14:13.600 --> 00:14:14.639
So what is so critical?
00:14:15.039 --> 00:14:15.679
Exactly, yes.
00:14:15.919 --> 00:14:17.600
Was how do we walk each other back home?
00:14:17.759 -->
00:14:24.639
And so back then in 2010, I had access to one major opinion that could derail me when I was feeling incompetent, and it was my mother-in-law, you know?
00:14:24.799 --> 00:14:26.639
Because I'd be like, Lori, I don't know what to do.
00:14:26.799 --> 00:14:28.799
And she'd be like, oh, just put some booze in his bottle.
00:14:28.960 --> 00:14:32.159
And I'd be like, listen, I think things have changed a little, right?
00:14:32.399 --> 00:14:35.120
This is the advice for Nikki don't do that.
00:14:36.399 --> 00:14:38.080
Dip their soother in a little rum.
00:14:38.240 --> 00:14:40.879
And so I was like, oh, buddy, I think times have changed a little.
00:14:41.039 --> 00:14:58.399
Now, mamas who are breastfeeding in the middle of the night, scrolling, emotionally exhausted, hormonal, they have access to 48 million opinions, saying things, and and usually with with people in platforms that are wearing creams and they're just got their shit together, it appears that they do.
00:14:58.480 --> 00:14:59.039
They don't.
00:14:59.360 --> 00:14:59.679
Okay.
00:15:00.559 --> 00:15:05.200
And so this constant comparison with a first generation of parents to have access to social media.
00:15:05.279 --> 00:15:06.480
We are so concerned about kids.
00:15:06.639 --> 00:15:07.519
Mm-mm, mm-mm.
00:15:07.759 --> 00:15:08.720
They're gonna be all right.
00:15:08.879 --> 00:15:09.679
I promise you.
00:15:09.919 --> 00:15:14.879
Our greatest intervention and support right now is places like this for people to land to say, is this supposed to be hard?
00:15:14.960 --> 00:15:16.559
Oh my God, never harder.
00:15:17.200 --> 00:15:18.000
Can you do it?
00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:19.039
Absolutely.
00:15:19.360 --> 00:15:22.720
And the only way we do this well is if we continue to fill each other up.
00:15:22.879 --> 00:15:24.720
Come on back home to the best parts of us.
00:15:24.799 --> 00:15:25.840
Your baby's gonna be okay.
00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:31.279
If you're invested in listening to a podcast called Teenagers Untangled, your babies are lucky to have you.
00:15:31.440 --> 00:15:32.080
Full stop.
00:15:32.320 --> 00:15:34.000
Well, you're so lovely, thank you.
00:15:34.559 --> 00:15:36.320
And I'm learning all the time too.
00:15:36.399 --> 00:15:40.000
And the whole point is that I'm making mistakes, we're all making mistakes.
00:15:40.159 --> 00:15:40.639
It's fine.
00:15:40.720 --> 00:15:43.279
It's about how do we get back from those mistakes?
00:15:43.519 --> 00:15:45.200
You only need to get this right 30% of the time.
00:15:45.279 --> 00:15:47.919
So the data would suggest that we're gonna screw this up 70% of the time.
00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:58.159
In order to create emotionally regulated children, you will have bad days, you will be overwhelmed, you will be fighting with your partner or their father or their mother, you will be losing your ever love and Jesus mind.
00:15:58.240 --> 00:16:00.399
Let's like assume that full permission.
00:16:00.720
--> 00:16:01.039
Okay.
00:16:01.679 --> 00:16:08.399
Our job is to figure out how we stay regulated and connected to the best of our ability at least 30% of the time.
00:16:08.559 --> 00:16:08.879
Okay.
00:16:09.279 --> 00:16:10.240
And we can do that.
00:16:10.320 --> 00:16:11.200
That's gonna be okay.
00:16:11.360 --> 00:16:18.960
In this very noisy, busy world, we need to watch what we're consuming, staying very connected to the people who also get it, and bring us back home.
00:16:19.039 --> 00:16:23.519
And back home, I mean our shoulders are dropped, our tongue is from the roof of our mouth.
00:16:23.600 --> 00:16:26.159
That's what an emotionally regulated body feels like.
00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:29.600
You can wiggle your toes, your breath is easier.
00:16:29.840 --> 00:16:34.080
And typically speaking, Rachel, we wake up checking our phones.
00:16:34.320 --> 00:16:36.960
We're the first generation in the history who does who've done that.
00:16:37.120 --> 00:16:37.360
Yeah.
00:16:37.600 --> 00:16:41.759
And our cortisol is through the roof before we even step into our kitchens.
00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:43.519
We've strapped on an Apple Watch.
00:16:43.600 --> 00:16:44.720
That's a cortisol shooter.
00:16:44.799 --> 00:16:45.440
It's shooting us.
00:16:45.519 --> 00:16:47.120
Everybody's connected to my Apple Watch.
00:16:47.200 --> 00:16:47.440
Okay.
00:16:47.600 --> 00:16:48.000
My parents.
00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:50.080
Checking your sleep, checking your sleep before you.
00:16:50.720 --> 00:16:57.360
I got a ring, I got a watch, I got a phone, I got all this data that suggested to me you're a disaster.
00:16:57.600 --> 00:16:59.120
That's why I want to throw a punch everybody.
00:16:59.200 --> 00:17:00.960
At least we got a reason, you know.
00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:08.000
But they think the greatest thing we will ever teach this next generation is understanding the importance of your neurochemistry, the connection between your head and your heart.
00:17:08.240 --> 00:17:14.000
Because you can drink all the kale and do all the yoga, but it's a waste of time if you're doing that in a dysregulated body.
00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:17.759
I need to bring you back home so you can show your babies how to do that again and again and again.
00:17:17.839 --> 00:17:18.960
And it's never an end game.
00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:19.599
We won't arrive.
00:17:19.839 --> 00:17:20.160
Yeah.
00:17:20.400 --> 00:17:33.759
And I loved one of the things you said in your book, and it was about the real critical importance of children having at least one adult in their life who is irrationally passionate about that child.
00:17:33.920 --> 00:17:38.319
And I learned that actually after I'd had kids, and I'd had dogs.
00:17:38.480 --> 00:17:44.160
And the dogs, you know, when you come home, they are absolutely wild crazy as soon as you walk through the door.
00:17:44.240 --> 00:17:46.720
And I remember thinking, wow, why did I have kids?
00:17:46.799 --> 00:17:49.680
I mean, I could have just had the dogs and they love me immediately.
00:17:49.839 --> 00:17:58.799
But the whole thing was, I thought, what about if I met my children and my husband every morning with that much enthusiasm?
00:17:59.039 --> 00:18:00.960
And it's it's amazing.
00:18:01.200 --> 00:18:05.839
Tony Morrison, she she wrote the The Bluest Eyes, she's a most beautiful author.
00:18:05.920 --> 00:18:07.119
She calls it the light up.
00:18:08.160 --> 00:18:10.079
And I can give you examples of this all the time.
00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:14.240
You know, you watch airport reunions or a grandma who hasn't seen her grandbaby for a while.
00:18:14.319 --> 00:18:15.119
That's the light up.
00:18:15.519 --> 00:18:17.599
And and we're so good at it.
00:18:17.680 --> 00:18:18.079
You're right.
00:18:18.160 --> 00:18:21.039
Animals do not give us the negative feedback that humans do.
00:18:21.200 --> 00:18:22.720
So we light up much easier.
00:18:22.880 --> 00:18:23.200
Yeah.
00:18:23.359 --> 00:18:24.240
But we all need it.
00:18:24.319 --> 00:18:26.240
And the ones, listen, this is so critical.
00:18:26.400 --> 00:18:29.839
The ones who need it the most are the hardest to give it to our personal husbands.
00:18:32.160 --> 00:18:34.400
I mean, like I lit up on our first date.
00:18:34.480 --> 00:18:35.039
I was so impressed.
00:18:35.200 --> 00:18:36.240
We've been there at 18 years.
00:18:36.319 --> 00:18:37.599
I was so impressed with him.
00:18:37.680 --> 00:18:41.279
He's got his PhD in ruminant nutrition, which basically means he feeds cows.
00:18:41.519 --> 00:18:43.119
And I was so impressed.
00:18:43.279 --> 00:18:45.599
He had a pickup truck and like he was so smart.
00:18:45.680 --> 00:18:47.119
He judged cattle all over the world.
00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:48.400
I was enamored.
00:18:48.559 --> 00:18:48.880
Okay.
00:18:49.119 --> 00:18:49.599
Could not wait.
00:18:49.680 --> 00:18:51.680
I was so do you want to check cows?
00:18:51.839 --> 00:18:52.319
Yes, I do.
00:18:52.400 --> 00:18:52.880
Oh my God.
00:18:52.960 --> 00:18:54.079
Do you want to like now?
00:18:54.160 --> 00:18:55.759
I'm like, are you kidding me?
00:18:55.920 --> 00:18:57.359
You had a couple of bloats in the yard.
00:18:57.519 --> 00:18:58.319
Womp womp.
00:18:58.480 --> 00:19:00.000
Agriculture's so hard.
00:19:00.160 --> 00:19:02.160
I'm saving the children of America.
00:19:02.400 --> 00:19:02.720
Okay.
00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:09.039
So what happens is we lose the light up and it is still the greatest gift you can ever give anybody.
00:19:09.200 --> 00:19:09.759
Acknowledgement.
00:19:09.920 --> 00:19:10.160
Do you know?
00:19:10.240 --> 00:19:12.640
I I heard this quote the other day that just blew my mind, Rachel.
00:19:12.720 --> 00:19:14.240
I think I need to write a whole book around it.
00:19:14.559 --> 00:19:19.119
Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.
00:19:19.359 --> 00:19:19.759
Yes.
00:19:19.920 --> 00:19:20.480
Yes.
00:19:20.720 -->
00:19:21.119
One hundred.
00:19:21.519 --> 00:19:25.599
And we are allowing devices to steal our attention.
00:19:25.759 --> 00:19:33.839
And I noticed when my kids were little and I'd started coaching parenting in inner city London for parents of younger kids.
00:19:34.079 --> 00:19:39.839
And I realized I would be talking to my kids and I'd be like, oh, you're so cute and I love you and I love you, love you.
00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:44.400
And then suddenly there'd be a ping on my phone and I think, oh no, I need to pay attention to that.
00:19:44.559 --> 00:19:46.079
And they'd get a cold shoulder.
00:19:46.240 --> 00:19:54.000
And once I was aware of that, it made me much more careful about the way that I related to my kids because why do they deserve that from me?
00:19:54.160 --> 00:20:04.079
And that intentional, you know, putting your phone away or whatever when they're around can make such an incredible difference to this connection and this relationship, right?
00:20:04.400 --> 00:20:06.000
It's so friggin' hard though, isn't it?
00:20:06.240 --> 00:20:11.039
We've never been this attention fragmented and we've never been this sleep deprived as humans.
00:20:11.200 --> 00:20:14.480
We'll stay up and watch Netflix till two o'clock in the morning because we just got to get one more show.
00:20:14.640 --> 00:20:19.519
And we were watching a movie last night, and Evan, our middle guy, was so excited for us to all watch this together.
00:20:19.599 --> 00:20:21.200
So everybody was down there and we're watching this movie.
00:20:21.279 --> 00:20:25.279
And I'm I was like, I had I'm very connected to this game called Block Blast right now.
00:20:25.359 --> 00:20:27.759
I'm I'm just committed to getting the highest score.
00:20:27.920 --> 00:20:34.079
So while the movie's on, I like pick my phone up and just like play a little game, you know, that's attention fragmentation.
00:20:34.160 --> 00:20:35.440
So you're doing two things at once, right?
00:20:35.519 --> 00:20:36.400
And we do this all the time now.
00:20:36.640 --> 00:20:37.680
Double greening.
00:20:37.839 --> 00:20:38.720
Yes, they call it.
00:20:38.799 --> 00:20:39.039
Yeah.
00:20:39.200 --> 00:20:44.799
And so he said to me, he pauses the movie and he said, I we're not we're not continuing until you're ready to watch them.
00:20:45.119 --> 00:20:50.240
And I was like, I love it.
00:20:50.480 --> 00:20:54.559
My husband's like, because I'm always saying to him, like, put your phone down, put your phone down.
00:20:54.640 --> 00:20:55.440
And he's like, Okay, fine.
00:20:55.680 --> 00:20:57.119
I have to leave my phone in another room.
00:20:57.279 --> 00:20:58.640
Otherwise, it's yeah, I'm tempted.
00:20:58.799 --> 00:20:59.440
I will pick it up.
00:20:59.519 --> 00:21:04.079
And I know that when we're together, I need to pay attention because it's so tempting.
00:21:04.240 --> 00:21:07.200
While we're on this subject, repair is critically important too.
00:21:07.279 --> 00:21:11.359
If he did a very simple mom, you know, and then you'd say, Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry.
00:21:11.599 --> 00:21:14.079
But we can't always feel regulated.
00:21:14.160 --> 00:21:19.279
We can't always be in a mood that c that where we can walk our kids home.
00:21:19.599 --> 00:21:29.200
And that requires us to somehow get from there to the point where we can either apologize or we can support them in some other way.
00:21:29.359 --> 00:21:30.559
What are your suggestions?
00:21:30.720 --> 00:21:33.039
How can we manage these sorts of situations?
00:21:33.119 --> 00:21:40.240
Or, you know, if they come home and they're being arsy with us and you you just want to slap them or just shout at them and yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:21:40.400 --> 00:21:42.559
So I this concept of repair is really interesting.
00:21:42.640 --> 00:21:48.240
So the Gottmans, John and Julie Gottman, have done probably the most profound work on relationships and connection.
00:21:48.319 --> 00:21:48.559
Okay.
00:21:49.039 --> 00:21:51.279
And I often think about this from a couple's perspective.
00:21:51.359 --> 00:21:58.799
So the greatest predictor of marriages that make it and marriages that don't come down to one thing after they're like multiple decades of research, and they can just sew it to one thing.
00:21:58.880 --> 00:21:59.039
Okay.
00:21:59.119 --> 00:22:03.839
So it's not a much more You have how much sex you have, how much uh alike or different you are.
00:22:04.160 --> 00:22:08.240
The greatest predictor of couples that make it in couples that don't is your capacity to repair.
00:22:08.799 --> 00:22:09.359
Whoa.
00:22:09.920 --> 00:22:11.920
Because it's critical for us.
00:22:12.400 --> 00:22:14.799
And you can't tell anybody how to apologize.
00:22:14.880 --> 00:22:15.839
You have to show them.
00:22:16.160 --> 00:22:20.559
One of the greatest things you will ever do with and for your children is to apologize to them.
00:22:20.799 --> 00:22:24.480
Apologize to your partner in front of them and mean it.
00:22:24.720 --> 00:22:26.079
Um, I've often said this.
00:22:26.160 --> 00:22:31.039
I mean, I remember I read this research early when I was writing Feeling Scene, and I was like, oh God, we gotta demonstrate this for our children.
00:22:31.119 --> 00:22:33.519
So Aaron and I had a big fight about something like ridiculous.
00:22:33.599 --> 00:22:35.599
And then I was like, hey, okay, get back in here.
00:22:35.759 --> 00:22:40.799
And so, like, we would apologize in private, you know, we would figure it out, or he would send a text or make me laugh or something like that.
00:22:40.880 --> 00:22:42.240
And I'd be like, Okay, fine, fine.
00:22:42.319 --> 00:22:42.960
That was ridiculous.
00:22:43.039 --> 00:22:43.440
I'm sorry.
00:22:43.519 --> 00:22:45.440
And I'm like, now we have to go apologize in front of the children.
00:22:45.519 --> 00:22:46.319
And he's like, What?
00:22:46.480 --> 00:22:48.799
I'm like, well, they need to know that they just had this.
00:22:48.960 --> 00:22:53.359
So like I would haul him out into the living room and be like, okay, babes, daddy would like to say something to me.
00:22:53.920 --> 00:22:55.359
And he's like, I love it.
00:22:55.680 --> 00:22:57.200
Mom said she's sorry.
00:22:57.359 --> 00:22:59.920
And I'm like, I that's not how it went.
00:23:00.079 --> 00:23:01.599
But I think it's it's so fascinating.
00:23:01.680 --> 00:23:10.079
You know, like when we, if you think about the square footage of the house that you were raised in, you know, if your parents had a knockdown shoot 'em out, uh, you knew about it.
00:23:10.319 --> 00:23:12.720
If they fixed it, you also knew about it.
00:23:12.960 --> 00:23:13.359
Right.
00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:16.559
And we we don't have that same capacity.
00:23:16.720 --> 00:23:19.119
And so you can't give away something you've never received.
00:23:19.200 --> 00:23:27.119
And so sometimes on purpose, it's a lot of our capacities to um repair, respond, and you know, sort of demonstrate what that looks like.
00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:29.039
Because, you know, I say this to teachers all the time.
00:23:29.279 --> 00:23:35.200
I work, you know, lots in the education system because teachers spend more waking hours with our babies in the run of a school week than their parents do.
00:23:35.359 --> 00:23:36.960
And teachers, thank you.
00:23:37.279 --> 00:23:39.599
Oh my gosh, they're the greatest investment right now of all time.
00:23:39.680 --> 00:23:39.839
Yeah.
00:23:40.240 --> 00:23:44.160
We've done a historically very poor job of that in many countries.
00:23:44.799 --> 00:23:49.519
But the idea is, you know, this capacity to know that we're gonna screw it up, we're gonna mess it up.
00:23:49.599 --> 00:23:52.559
We come from a generation that would suggest might is right.
00:23:52.880 --> 00:23:54.160
Do not show weakness.
00:23:54.400 --> 00:23:55.920
Consequences must be immediate.
00:23:56.160 --> 00:24:00.960
The hard part about that is that when your lid is flipped, if consequence is immediate, it is falling on deaf ears.
00:24:01.119 --> 00:24:05.440
Not because your kids cannot attend to it, it's because neurobiologically they can't.
00:24:05.680 --> 00:24:08.319
So I often think about these words that I think are so critical.
00:24:08.480 --> 00:24:21.039
These days, more than anything, in this attention-fragmented, overwhelmed, noisy world, you have to collect before you direct, which means you have to pull a prefrontal cortex on before you can teach or consequence or make sense of the behavior.
00:24:21.200 --> 00:24:22.799
Consequences are not bad.
00:24:22.960 --> 00:24:24.559
It's when you do them that matters.
00:24:24.640 --> 00:24:27.920
If you're consequencing when somebody's emotionally dysregulated, it's a waste of time.
00:24:28.000 --> 00:24:30.319
They'll say things like, Oh, yeah, fine, take it away.
00:24:30.559 --> 00:24:32.319
But then you're losing your iPad and your iPod.
00:24:32.480 --> 00:24:34.160
They're like, fine, you suck, take it all.
00:24:34.240 --> 00:24:37.920
And in your head, you're like, holy shit, we're it we're in trouble, right?
00:24:38.079 --> 00:24:38.240
Yeah.
00:24:38.400 --> 00:24:40.000
That baby's when you go next.
00:24:40.240 --> 00:24:40.640
Yes.
00:24:40.799 --> 00:24:42.720
That baby's not regulated, right?
00:24:42.960 --> 00:24:47.599
So when that happens to me, I always think, and it happens often, I need a timeout.
00:24:47.839 --> 00:24:50.720
I'm a massive believer in timeouts for you, not them.
00:24:51.039 --> 00:24:51.359
Okay.
00:24:51.519 --> 00:24:56.960
Because I don't know what we think, but when we send a kid, you know, out into the hallway or to their bedroom, what do you think they're doing in there?
00:24:57.119 --> 00:24:59.039
Just deep breathing and reflecting.
00:24:59.440 --> 00:25:02.720
They're 12, they're whatever, they're 34, doesn't matter, it never gets old.
00:25:02.799 --> 00:25:03.519
I'm gonna take a break.
00:25:03.599 --> 00:25:06.000
And and it, and then my lid comes back on.
00:25:06.480 --> 00:25:08.319
And then I teach, right?
00:25:08.720 --> 00:25:13.759
And it's like you're the you're the greatest investment of all time for your children.
00:25:13.920 --> 00:25:15.680
And I promise you your babies are doing okay.
00:25:15.759 --> 00:25:20.319
I promise you that when we think about them as regulated humans, their job is to lose their mind.
00:25:20.480 --> 00:25:21.440
I say this to parents all the time.
00:25:21.599 --> 00:25:22.640
I want their hearts to get broken.
00:25:22.720 --> 00:25:27.119
I want them to get fired from their jobs, all in the context of the safety of your relationship.
00:25:27.279 --> 00:25:33.279
Because as we walk them home, we're creating scripts for them to figure out how to do that when they get away from us.
00:25:33.519 --> 00:25:38.960
And part of the issue is we just want, most of the time, when I ask parents what they want for their kids, Rach, they say this.
00:25:39.119 --> 00:25:40.480
I just want them to be happy.
00:25:40.640 --> 00:25:42.240
It's so dumb, right?
00:25:42.400 --> 00:25:43.599
Because nobody's happy all the time.
00:25:43.680 --> 00:25:50.960
You and I didn't wake up this morning and be like, oh, I'm just so happy with this 50-year-old body, or I'm just so happy with this person I married, you know?
00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:52.319
We're not happy all the time.
00:25:52.480 --> 00:25:56.559
My greatest wish for your children and mine is that they have the capacity to feel all the emotions.
00:25:56.720 --> 00:26:01.200
And one of the greatest strategies to pull a lid back on are these simple words, ready?
00:26:02.000 --> 00:26:04.240
Tell me more.
00:26:04.480 --> 00:26:04.799
Yes.
00:26:05.039 --> 00:26:05.759
Curiosity.
00:26:06.000 --> 00:26:08.799
Because when people are losing their minds, I hate you, mom, you suck.
00:26:08.960 --> 00:26:09.680
This is so stupid.
00:26:09.759 --> 00:26:11.839
I'm never doing this
again, you fat cow.
00:26:12.079 --> 00:26:15.200
What we want is to teach in that moment, hey, enough.
00:26:15.359 --> 00:26:16.400
Watch your tone.
00:26:16.640 --> 00:26:17.920
That is, use your words.
00:26:18.000 --> 00:26:18.960
You don't speak to me like that.
00:26:19.119 --> 00:26:20.000
All of which are true.
00:26:20.799 --> 00:26:23.119
It's not if I'm gonna have that conversation, it's when.
00:26:24.000 --> 00:26:28.240
If I take a if I do this and go, that's not how I kidding.
00:26:28.400 --> 00:26:29.119
What is happening here?
00:26:29.279 --> 00:26:30.720
Tell me, hey, tell me more.
00:26:31.039 --> 00:26:31.359
What am I?
00:26:31.839 --> 00:26:33.039
I say this to my kids often.
00:26:33.200 --> 00:26:36.000
Mostly I say this to my team, but what am I missing?
00:26:36.880 --> 00:26:38.079
Uh, what's the hardest part?
00:26:38.240 --> 00:26:38.880
Well, I like that.
00:26:38.960 --> 00:26:39.759
What am I missing?
00:26:39.920 --> 00:26:40.160
Uh-huh.
00:26:40.240 --> 00:26:40.400
Yes.
00:26:40.559 --> 00:26:41.440
What's the hardest part?
00:26:41.599 --> 00:26:45.440
And and typically when I say tell me more, or what's the hardest part?
00:26:45.519 --> 00:26:47.200
I don't want it, I want I don't want you to tell me more.
00:26:47.279 --> 00:26:48.160
I've already figured it out.
00:26:48.240 --> 00:26:50.799
I just want you to listen for the love of all that is holy.
00:26:51.039 --> 00:26:53.759
But I am, tell me more, and what is the hardest part?
00:26:53.920 --> 00:26:57.519
Are really strategies for us as parents to get lids back online.
00:26:58.480 --> 00:27:04.960
And that works for your partner, that works for your employee, that works for the, you know, upset person at the coffee shop.
00:27:05.599 --> 00:27:10.079
The fundamental prerequisite of all of this is that it requires our own emotional regulation.
00:27:10.400 --> 00:27:14.960
So you are the greatest investment right now of all time, not because you're the problem, but because you're the solution.
00:27:15.119 --> 00:27:24.880
And we've spent a whole sort of decade talking about self-care, which is such BS, because you can drink all the KO and do all the yoga, but if you're doing it in a dysregulated body, it's a waste of time.
00:27:25.200 --> 00:27:35.519
So our greatest intervention right now is spending a lot of time wondering about where our shoulders are and dropping them, giving ourselves permission to be like, it's okay to rest, to nap.
00:27:35.599 --> 00:27:40.480
Well, we come from a generation where our dads would have said to us, taking a nap is asinine, you know, you're lazy.
00:27:40.960 --> 00:27:45.680
But our dads were raised in a generation where when they came home from work, nobody could get them.
00:27:46.160 --> 00:27:50.000
My work starts generally when I put my babies to bed.
00:27:50.400 --> 00:28:03.759
And so taking a rest during the day, napping, putting my shoulders down, doing a workout class, whatever the deal is, to sort of regulate my system doesn't happen anymore on nine to five.
00:28:04.079 --> 00:28:08.559
Because we were supposed to make hay while the sun shone because that's all we had time for.
00:28:08.720 --> 00:28:14.079
After that, everybody went home, shops were locked up, we had no access to anybody's, and Sundays were a day of rest.
00:28:14.240 --> 00:28:17.039
So you had to work your ass off Monday to Friday.
00:28:17.359 --> 00:28:21.839
And then the society built in this rest concept for us.
00:28:22.160 --> 00:28:24.960
We're not we're not made for this much noise.
00:28:25.200 --> 00:28:26.960
We're not made for this much stimulation.
00:28:27.119 --> 00:28:29.039
We don't even pee and we're checking our phones.
00:28:29.200 --> 00:28:32.319
Then we, as we said, you know, we strap ourselves to watches and rings.
00:28:32.559 --> 00:28:35.759
And then when our babies ask us a question, we're like, what?
00:28:37.680 --> 00:28:42.880
Because the concept of burnout isn't you isn't isn't a function of the work you do.
00:28:43.039 --> 00:28:45.519
It's a function of your ability or lack thereof to rest.
00:28:45.599 --> 00:28:47.039
And we are not good.
00:28:47.279 --> 00:28:49.119
We don't have a script for rest.
00:28:50.079 --> 00:29:04.319
And I love your point about how um you're you want your child to go through dysregulation in your own family, in your home, in your relationship more than anywhere else, because you're the person who's most connected to them.
00:29:04.400 --> 00:29:06.400
You're the person who can do that walk home.
00:29:06.559 --> 00:29:13.039
And also what I found fascinating was I I I recently wrote a Substack about this, is that we don't actually have to have an answer.
00:29:13.200 --> 00:29:14.559
And it took me a while to get that.
00:29:14.640 --> 00:29:18.880
And you know, I remember saying that to her mother and she said, They always feel like I need to give them an answer.
00:29:18.960 --> 00:29:20.240
And I said, No, no, no, you don't.
00:29:20.480 --> 00:29:22.720
You're not that good with a soft landing place.
00:29:22.880 --> 00:29:24.559
You just need to be able to listen.
00:29:24.960 --> 00:29:26.240
Collect before you direct.
00:29:26.559 --> 00:29:27.039
Collect.
00:29:27.200 --> 00:29:27.759
I love that.
00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:30.079
In fact, you don't even have the answer most of the time.
00:29:30.160 --> 00:29:32.880
And that's what, you know, when you come home from work, you don't want the answer.
00:29:33.039 --> 00:29:36.319
If you just said to your partner, Oh my gosh, this was awful.
00:29:36.559 --> 00:29:37.440
I hate people.
00:29:37.599 --> 00:29:38.319
This is so dumb.
00:29:38.400 --> 00:29:39.359
I want to throw punch everybody.
00:29:39.440 --> 00:29:40.000
You know what I'm gonna do?
00:29:40.079 --> 00:29:40.640
I'm gonna quit.
00:29:40.799 --> 00:29:42.400
What we don't want is somebody to fix it.
00:29:42.480 --> 00:29:45.359
We don't want somebody to be like, Oh, did you
drink your water today?
00:29:45.519 --> 00:29:46.480
Did you go for a run?
00:29:46.640 --> 00:29:50.720
Hey, you what you want is somebody to be like, okay, let me pour the wine.
00:29:50.880 --> 00:29:51.440
Come here.
00:29:51.599 --> 00:29:52.319
Tell me more.
00:29:52.480 --> 00:29:53.440
Tell me more, huh?
00:29:53.680 --> 00:29:56.319
Because you know I'm not gonna quit, generally speaking, right?
00:29:56.480 --> 00:30:00.160
I may feel like it, but you know, I I know what I need to do.
00:30:00.319 --> 00:30:02.400
And like, let me give an example of this in my practice.
00:30:02.559 --> 00:30:05.759
When people come to me and just say, you know what, um, can I see you, Dr.
00:30:05.839 --> 00:30:06.480
Carrington?
00:30:06.559 --> 00:30:07.920
I'm feeling anxious, depressed.
00:30:08.079 --> 00:30:09.039
Should I leave my husband?
00:30:09.200 --> 00:30:10.960
Should I ever talk to my mother-in-law again?
00:30:11.279 --> 00:30:13.200
I don't know, but you do.
00:30:13.920 --> 00:30:15.920
And my job is to walk you home.
00:30:16.160 --> 00:30:20.640
My job is to get you back out of your head and into your heart because you're like, this is so stupid.
00:30:20.720 --> 00:30:21.519
She's such a cow.
00:30:21.599 --> 00:30:22.640
I did this, I don't even know.
00:30:22.720 --> 00:30:23.599
I should have married my husband.
00:30:24.559 --> 00:30:24.960
Uh-huh.
00:30:25.119 --> 00:30:26.319
Some of those things might be true.
00:30:26.400 --> 00:30:30.559
But we need to bring you back to the best parts of you to regulate you to walk you home.
00:30:30.880 --> 00:30:33.440
It is what the best, what our best friends do.
00:30:33.920 --> 00:30:37.440
It is what's it's what's it is what the best leader does.
00:30:37.599 --> 00:30:40.960
And it is certainly why we fall in love with people.
00:30:41.440 --> 00:30:47.839
And when we fall in love with people, we we fall in love with people because they had at one point the capacity to regulate us.
00:30:47.920 --> 00:30:51.920
Now, the longer we stay with people, we tend to want to fix them.
00:30:52.240 --> 00:30:54.880
Because if they're not okay, we're not okay.
00:30:55.119 --> 00:30:55.440
Yeah?
00:30:55.599 --> 00:31:03.279
Like in our first date, I could listen all day long to my husband or our second date, where he's like, you know, I have this cold and I'm feeling yucky, and I just like whatever.
00:31:03.359 --> 00:31:06.480
And like in the beginning, I was like, oh, baby doll, I'll make you soup.
00:31:06.640 --> 00:31:12.480
Now we got three kids on the ground together, and you know, we're trying to lose our minds every single day, keeping everything afloat.
00:31:12.640 --> 00:31:16.400
And if he were to say to me, I'm so sick and tired, I'd be like, oh, you're fine.
00:31:16.640 --> 00:31:20.000
Because now we're in this position that if he's not okay, I'm not okay.
00:31:20.240 --> 00:31:21.279
He's my person.
00:31:21.759 --> 00:31:26.960
And so my intention isn't to sort of thwart his efforts for connection.
00:31:27.039 --> 00:31:27.920
It's self-serving.
00:31:28.000 --> 00:31:28.960
I want him to be okay.
00:31:29.039 --> 00:31:36.960
And I'm just concerned that if I like give into this process subconsciously, then he's gonna stay whiny and broken and I'll have to do all of this alone.
00:31:37.200 --> 00:31:40.319
And so the ID child on your hands, which is so true.
00:31:40.400 --> 00:31:43.279
And women, you know, I historically women are much better at this than men.
00:31:43.519 --> 00:31:44.640
I have two sons and a daughter.
00:31:44.720 --> 00:31:46.960
So this isn't about feminism versus patriarchy.
00:31:47.039 --> 00:31:49.200
It's patriarchy has been such a system that kills us.
00:31:49.279 --> 00:31:56.559
The highest rate of suicide in most countries around this globe are middle-aged men because we have come from generations that indicated this.
00:31:56.720 --> 00:31:58.240
Boys don't cry.
00:31:58.480 --> 00:32:00.880
And you see, anxiety and depression will not kill you.
00:32:01.119 --> 00:32:02.559
Not talking about it, might.
00:32:03.519 --> 00:32:11.200
So, this idea of tell me more, of bring me into an emotional language where I can regulate your neurochemistry, it is not only life-changing, it is life-saving.
00:32:11.440 --> 00:32:18.559
What we really stood out to me was you were talking about how the kids who need this most are the ones who are they're harder to deal with.
00:32:18.640 --> 00:32:21.519
We've got we've got teachers who listen, we've got all sorts of people who listen to this.
00:32:21.680 --> 00:32:34.799
If you've got a child who's quite defensive, who's lying, cheating, stealing, whatever, and they're difficult to reach, are there suggestions you can do for how can we help that child kind of calm down and feel safe with us?
00:32:35.119 --> 00:32:36.319
This is my favorite.
00:32:36.559 --> 00:32:39.440
So I work 10 years on a lock psychiatric inpatient unit for kids.
00:32:39.519 --> 00:32:42.000
So the hitters, the kickers, the biter, someone's a tight F off.
00:32:42.079 --> 00:32:43.440
I love those babies.
00:32:43.680 --> 00:32:54.319
And I'll tell you what, I learned nothing in grad school that equipped me for hanging on to some of the most dysregulated babies because I was trained to ask this question what is wrong with this one?
00:32:54.480 --> 00:33:00.000
And they came with litanyes of stacks of diagnoses and files the size of the St.
00:33:00.079 --> 00:33:00.559
James, eh?
00:33:00.720 --> 00:33:07.519
And it'd be like, this guy's a hitter, a kicker, a biter, this one got ADHD, ODD, CD, he's whatever, whatever, attachment disorder.
00:33:08.240 --> 00:33:09.680
We always ask what was wrong with this one.
00:33:09.759 --> 00:33:12.240
We never asked what happened to this one.
00:33:13.039 --> 00:33:16.000
And when you start to ask that question, what happened here?
00:33:16.400 --> 00:33:21.440
It evokes in us as parents, caregivers, teachers, empathy.
00:33:21.920 --> 00:33:24.160
And empathy is the antidote to burnout.
00:33:24.480 --> 00:33:28.640
I promise you, I've assessed and treated a thousand kids, and I have not met a bad one.
00:33:28.720 --> 00:33:30.720
I've met a lot of people who don't ask that question.
00:33:30.880 --> 00:33:32.480
Because we're we want them to be regulated.
00:33:32.559 --> 00:33:33.359
The intention is good.
00:33:33.519 --> 00:33:38.480
We want to fix them, we want to give them the strategies, the motivators and the triggers that's gonna keep them calm.
00:33:38.640 --> 00:33:48.079
But you have to figure out why they're doing it first because you can give them all the anxiety regulation strategies, but if they're getting the heck beat out of them at home, um, do not do that.
00:33:48.319 --> 00:33:51.119
You have to ask what has happened here first.
00:33:51.519 --> 00:33:54.319
It doesn't excuse or condone the behavior, don't get me wrong.
00:33:54.400 --> 00:33:54.720
Okay.
00:33:54.880 --> 00:33:58.240
It's not okay to hit and kick and lie and cheat and steal and tell people laugh off.
00:33:58.319 --> 00:33:59.920
Okay, but there's a reason.
00:34:00.319 --> 00:34:02.319
Every single time there's a reason.
00:34:02.640 --> 00:34:02.960
Really?
00:34:03.039 --> 00:34:03.279
Yes.
00:34:03.519 --> 00:34:07.200
And the job of big people is to figure out what happened here, not what's wrong here.
00:34:07.440 --> 00:34:07.519
Yes.
00:34:07.599 --> 00:34:09.840
And so go low and slow, as you said in the book.
00:34:10.079 --> 00:34:10.639
Oh my goodness.
00:34:10.719 --> 00:34:11.599
I'll give you an example of this.
00:34:11.679 --> 00:34:16.960
So oftentimes how I started writing books and speaking is so after I left the children's hospital, I met my husband.
00:34:17.039 --> 00:34:18.320
We had our babies, we moved to a small town.
00:34:18.480 --> 00:34:22.800
I opened a practice and I started to consult with schools in a rural part of our province.
00:34:22.960 --> 00:34:24.559
And um, there was not a lot of resources.
00:34:24.639 --> 00:34:26.960
And so teachers would be like, oh my God, we don't know what to do with this kid.
00:34:27.039 --> 00:34:28.639
We have never seen a kid like this.
00:34:28.719 --> 00:34:31.199
And I'd be like, Okay, which is quite common, you know.
00:34:31.360 --> 00:34:41.039
So I would come in and there would be a file and motivators and triggers and in, you know, individual program plans for these babies, and you know, all the best intentions, all these people just exhausted and overwhelmed and so committed to this child.
00:34:41.280 --> 00:34:43.280
And I would say, Okay, this is beautiful work.
00:34:43.360 --> 00:34:44.880
I just have a few questions, okay?
00:34:45.360 --> 00:34:46.719
Who can tell me his middle name?
00:34:46.880 --> 00:34:48.159
What level is he on in Fortnite?
00:34:48.320 --> 00:34:49.920
What's his favorite chocolate bar?
00:34:50.480 --> 00:34:51.280
Oh, yes.
00:34:51.760 --> 00:34:53.119
But
call it over his eyes.
00:34:54.159 --> 00:34:59.679
And when I start to get a team of people who can tell me those things, you watch that baby do amazing things.
00:35:00.239 --> 00:35:02.239
Because when you're acknowledged, you rise.
00:35:02.960 --> 00:35:07.599
And when we don't feel seen or acknowledged, we lose access to the best parts of us.
00:35:07.679 --> 00:35:10.960
So we have to stay in fight or flight just to get connection.
00:35:11.199 --> 00:35:14.000
We call it attention seeking, I call it connection seeking.
00:35:14.559 --> 00:35:23.039
And if all you know how to get connection is to say, shut up, you fat cow, or my hoodie's up, my hair's down, I'm not listening to anybody.
00:35:23.920 --> 00:35:27.119
We can only treat people the way we've been treated.
00:35:27.679 --> 00:35:30.400
The chaos is necessary to learn the calm.
00:35:30.639 --> 00:35:33.599
You have to get emotionally dysregulated to learn how to regulate.
00:35:33.760 --> 00:35:38.000
You could read all about building biceps and getting fit, but you have to do the work in order to do that, right?
00:35:38.079 --> 00:35:40.239
If you've never done a push-up in your life, you're not going to get a bicep.
00:35:40.480 --> 00:35:40.800
Okay.
00:35:41.119 --> 00:35:42.880
Same is true for emotional regulation.
00:35:42.960 --> 00:35:48.159
If I need to learn how to breathe through something or use my words or be kind, somebody has to show me that.
00:35:48.400 --> 00:35:50.880
Create that neural pathway again and again and again.
00:35:50.960 --> 00:35:57.280
When my lid is flipped and they bring me back home, that's creating a neural pathway that that baby will have access to when you're not there.
00:35:57.519 --> 00:36:00.880
And you have to put a lid back on umptee, million, hundred thousand times.
00:36:00.960 --> 00:36:08.320
That's why the job of parenting and teaching and educating and grandparenting, it's why it takes a village, because none of us are this good to do it alone.
00:36:08.480 --> 00:36:12.079
And we've never seen, never seen such a high rate of single-parent households.
00:36:12.320 --> 00:36:17.360
We've lost access to grandparent and grandparent like figures in the last 10 years, like we've never seen.
00:36:17.519 --> 00:36:23.360
The job of educators has never been this important because they are actually not doing the work of literacy and numeracy anymore.
00:36:23.440 --> 00:36:27.360
Because you can't teach literacy and numeracy if you're to emotionally dysregulated babies.
00:36:27.599 --> 00:36:32.079
And so, my biggest point in our country has been a lot of conversations about training of educators.
00:36:32.239 --> 00:36:35.679
Because if you get into this to teach literacy and numercy, you should get out.
00:36:36.239 --> 00:36:39.280
You have the holy calling of building relationships with humans.
00:36:39.440 --> 00:36:40.400
That's your job.
00:36:40.639 --> 00:36:43.679
And if you do that well, you will teach them astronomical
things.
00:36:44.000 --> 00:36:44.480
Fascinating.
00:36:44.719 --> 00:36:50.000
Are there things that we can be doing on a day-to-day basis where we can say we can put these things in place and this will help us?
00:36:50.239 --> 00:36:50.719
Yes.
00:36:50.880 --> 00:36:55.039
So there's five things that I talk about in kids these days, and there's a million, but I I'll just give you my top five.
00:36:55.119 --> 00:36:56.880
And they sort of go like in succession.
00:36:56.960 --> 00:36:57.199
Okay.
00:36:57.360 --> 00:37:02.000
So one is sort of before we even have that assholery-ish like behavior come up.
00:37:02.239 --> 00:37:05.280
So I want you to show genuine interest in the things they care about.
00:37:05.440 --> 00:37:08.960
So I want you to spend a little bit of time thinking about like what gets them right now.
00:37:09.119 --> 00:37:16.480
And it's usually things that you don't care about, like Starbucks, Sephora, silly, ridiculous, like Tyler the Creator, Sane Clown Posse.
00:37:16.719 --> 00:37:19.360
That's all music that they listen to, right?
00:37:19.519 --> 00:37:20.480
Clash of Clans.
00:37:20.559 --> 00:37:24.880
I just downloaded Clash of Clans on my phone so I can learn how to fight battles, Battle of the Clan.
00:37:25.119 --> 00:37:28.880
I can't remember some kind of game that both of my boys are playing right now.
00:37:29.039 --> 00:37:31.679
They're like, you can't support video games.
00:37:31.760 --> 00:37:32.800
Yeah, yeah, you can.
00:37:32.960 --> 00:37:34.239
You gotta meet them where they're at.
00:37:34.400 --> 00:37:48.480
I am over Taylor Swift, but I'll tell you, I know every single word to every single song that woman has ever, and she's you know, an icon, obviously, but I, you know, so we gotta show genuine interest in the things they care about.
00:37:48.719 --> 00:37:51.119
And likely you will not give a rip about it.
00:37:51.280 --> 00:37:55.599
But seeking first to understand, this is Stephen Covey's basic stuff on leadership.
00:37:55.679 --> 00:37:56.800
He stole it from the Bible.
00:37:56.880 --> 00:38:00.079
And he basically said, you seek first to understand before being understood.
00:38:00.239 --> 00:38:05.039
So trying to understand a 13-year-old right now is asinine because you're like, what is the snap face?
00:38:05.280 --> 00:38:07.119
Show me how you give me a filter.
00:38:07.199 --> 00:38:08.000
How do I do this?
00:38:08.159 --> 00:38:10.880
If you don't know what's cool right now, ask them.
00:38:11.119 --> 00:38:11.440
Ask them.
00:38:11.840 --> 00:38:12.000
Awesome.
00:38:12.159 --> 00:38:12.559
Just awesome.
00:38:12.719 --> 00:38:12.960
Yeah.
00:38:13.119 --> 00:38:15.920
So number one, showing genuine interest in the things they care about.
00:38:16.000 --> 00:38:19.119
You know, get to get to play video games, listen to their music, go for, okay?
00:38:19.360 --> 00:38:23.519
Number two, getting eyes is really important to me these days.
00:38:23.599 --> 00:38:28.400
Okay,
because we look at our kids far less than any generation prior to us ever have.
00:38:28.639 --> 00:38:32.639
And so I think about one of the greatest places to get eyes with your child.
00:38:32.719 --> 00:38:34.559
And people say, what about what if they're on the spectrum?
00:38:34.719 --> 00:38:44.079
What if, like, you know, if they're visually impaired, obviously physical proximity matters, but I even babies on the spectrum who are neurodivergent make eye contact to judge safety.
00:38:44.239 --> 00:38:52.960
And so I want you to really notice you being able to see their face is critical because you can tell more about what's going on with your baby rather than texting, you know, are you okay?
00:38:53.199 --> 00:38:53.679
Fine.
00:38:53.920 --> 00:38:57.440
And you take one look at their facial structure, you know, right?
00:38:57.599 --> 00:38:58.960
You've you you've raised these babies.
00:38:59.039 --> 00:39:00.000
You you've given birth to them.
00:39:00.079 --> 00:39:01.039
You you understand what's going on.
00:39:01.360 --> 00:39:02.719
So getting eyes becomes important.
00:39:02.800 --> 00:39:06.559
One of the most important things you can ever do with a teenager these days is go for a drive.
00:39:06.719 --> 00:39:08.000
Cars are so critically important these days.
00:39:08.079 --> 00:39:08.559
You wanna know why?
00:39:08.639 --> 00:39:10.239
Because they're locked in, they can't get out.
00:39:10.480 --> 00:39:14.159
And it affords us the only place where physical proximity is still a thing.
00:39:14.400 --> 00:39:14.719
Okay?
00:39:14.960 --> 00:39:16.800
And you're not, and you're and it's not too intense.
00:39:16.880 --> 00:39:17.679
It's like next time.
00:39:17.920 --> 00:39:18.559
You're side by side.
00:39:20.239 --> 00:39:21.360
So, really critical.
00:39:21.440 --> 00:39:24.239
Um, bedtime, regardless of age, still becomes important.
00:39:24.320 --> 00:39:27.199
I have a 15-year-old, so I always have to knock now before I do a tuck-in.
00:39:27.360 --> 00:39:28.800
But he's often in bed before I am.
00:39:28.880 --> 00:39:40.239
So even if I can do one night a week, one night a month, just to say, hey, can I just step in for a second and sit at the foot of the bed, grab onto their feet, especially if the lights are out, those are sometimes the best conversations.
00:39:40.400 --> 00:39:43.760
My 13-year-olds both, I tucked them both in last night for the first time in a couple of weeks.
00:39:43.920 --> 00:39:47.440
And Evan just said to me, Oh, this has been a long time since you rubbed my back, mom.
00:39:48.079 --> 00:39:50.800
And sometimes I get the best conversations.
00:39:50.960 --> 00:39:53.599
Mom, did I tell you that this kid was smoking weed?
00:39:53.840 --> 00:39:54.800
Tell me more.
00:39:55.840 --> 00:39:57.519
That great phrase, tell me more.
00:39:58.000 --> 00:40:02.320
You know, and my Libby said to me the other day, Oh, I got I got a huge crush and a boy named Jamie.
00:40:02.400 --> 00:40:09.840
And I so it's like really creating those spaces really happens in that the 007 secret trick for me is food.
00:40:10.480 --> 00:40:12.480
You cannot chew and swallow with a flip lid.
00:40:12.639 --> 00:40:14.079
It's neurobiologically impossible.
00:40:14.320 --> 00:40:16.480
And we come from a generation, right?
00:40:16.800 --> 00:40:19.119
We come from a generation where food is seen as a reward.
00:40:19.280 --> 00:40:21.119
You pick up your toys, you get a snack.
00:40:21.440 --> 00:40:23.199
You um, you know, do all these things.
00:40:23.280 --> 00:40:26.400
I'm gonna reward you with uh a cookie, whatever the deal is.
00:40:26.639 --> 00:40:31.360
And the hard part, particularly at the children's hospital, I would walk around everywhere with snacks in my pocket.
00:40:31.519 --> 00:40:35.199
So gummies, cookies, skittles, whatever, huh?
00:40:35.360 --> 00:40:37.280
Because you can't regulate a kid with a carrot stick.
00:40:37.360 --> 00:40:37.840
Don't be dumb.
00:40:38.000 --> 00:40:38.239
Okay.
00:40:38.480 --> 00:40:42.239
When we just had the worst breakup of our life, we were like, oh, I just want a salad.
00:40:42.400 --> 00:40:45.679
No, we wanted ice cream and wine, okay?
00:40:45.760 --> 00:40:47.519
And kids are the same, not the wine part.
00:40:47.599 --> 00:40:59.679
But they when they're really dysregulated, I would come onto a unit and like, for example, like if I take you to the nth degree and I have a kid hanging from the ceiling and they've destroyed something, um, I would walk in and be like, this is a tough one, eh?
00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:04.159
And the nurse would be like, if you give the kid a cookie, if you will award this behavior.
00:41:04.320 --> 00:41:11.039
So the idea would be I would sort of get eyes if I could, and if they were grunting or hissing, I have to stop speaking.
00:41:11.119 --> 00:41:15.119
Because if you can't produce language from a neurophysiological perspective, you can't process it.
00:41:15.360 --> 00:41:20.480
So if kids are going like this, and you are like, use your words.
00:41:20.639 --> 00:41:23.119
That's ridiculous because they can't process it yet.
00:41:23.280 --> 00:41:30.559
So if kids can't produce language, if if he's so distressed that he's just going like this to me, eh, my only job is to do this.
00:41:31.440 --> 00:41:31.760
Okay.
00:41:32.239 --> 00:41:40.559
And the second he can start to swear at me, I now know his lid is coming back on because he's now accessing his broca's and his Wernicke's area in the left prefrontal cortex.
00:41:40.639 --> 00:41:40.800
Okay.
00:41:40.880 --> 00:41:43.519
So he can be like, shut up, get out of here, you stupid cow.
00:41:43.679 --> 00:41:45.199
The question is, is now the time to teach?
00:41:45.280 --> 00:41:50.000
Should I be like, uh-uh, uh, uh, uh we don't use those words here at the Alberta Children's Hospital?
00:41:50.480 --> 00:41:53.920
No, because what would happen is his lid would just flip right?
00:41:54.480 --> 00:41:55.840
It's not time yet.
00:41:56.320 --> 00:41:58.880
So I might say to him, Oh my gosh, this was a rat, a bad one.
00:41:58.960 --> 00:41:59.599
Hey, Jacob.
00:41:59.679 --> 00:42:00.800
Yes, she's a stupid cow.
00:42:00.880 --> 00:42:02.159
She made me do my math sheet.
00:42:02.239 --> 00:42:02.559
I bet.
00:42:02.800 --> 00:42:03.760
I just got some snacks here.
00:42:03.840 --> 00:42:06.480
I'm wondering, do you want some some snacks?
00:42:06.719 --> 00:42:07.840
I don't like snacks.
00:42:08.639 --> 00:42:09.760
You got any cookies?
00:42:11.599 --> 00:42:12.079
Let me see.
00:42:12.159 --> 00:42:13.440
I think I got some here, yeah.
00:42:13.599 --> 00:42:19.119
And the second you can chew and swallow, then your lid comes back on, which means you're safer for me and everybody else.
00:42:19.679 --> 00:42:20.719
And now I teach.
00:42:20.960 --> 00:42:23.519
Now I say, This is a bad one, eh?
00:42:24.000 --> 00:42:27.360
And if you see kids do this, take that deep breath.
00:42:27.519 --> 00:42:28.880
You can't do that with a flip lid.
00:42:29.039 --> 00:42:30.960
So now I know he's coming back home to me.
00:42:31.599 --> 00:42:35.119
And now I'm gonna say, sh, you know, what happened here?
00:42:35.280 --> 00:42:37.519
You know, what what what should we do next, or whatever the deal is.
00:42:37.599 --> 00:42:44.559
And he might say, like, she told me if I didn't finish my math sheet, I couldn't go up for recess and I built that forward out there, and I don't know how to do math.
00:42:44.960 --> 00:42:45.440
I know.
00:42:45.840 --> 00:42:47.360
Math is hard for me too, buddy.
00:42:47.440 --> 00:42:48.960
Okay, come here, come sit here over here.
00:42:49.039 --> 00:42:50.239
Let's figure this out.
00:42:50.880 --> 00:42:53.679
And then we talk consequences if that's what's necessary.
00:42:53.840 --> 00:42:55.119
Then we talk about what's next.
00:42:55.199 --> 00:42:56.559
Okay, it's like a two-part process.
00:42:56.639 --> 00:42:58.480
I need to get that lid on, and then we teach.
00:42:58.639 --> 00:43:02.079
So he might say, Well, this is a really bad one, and I wrecked everything in here.
00:43:02.239 --> 00:43:04.079
Okay, well, what do you think we should do?
00:43:04.480 --> 00:43:06.719
Well, I could I could clean it all up.
00:43:06.960 --> 00:43:07.360
Yeah.
00:43:07.519 --> 00:43:08.719
I mean, I could help you do that.
00:43:08.880 --> 00:43:09.679
That's part of it.
00:43:09.920 --> 00:43:12.239
And I think maybe we need to apologize to Miss S.
00:43:13.280 --> 00:43:13.599
Okay.
00:43:14.239 --> 00:43:15.039
Can you help me?
00:43:15.199 --> 00:43:16.000
Yeah, I can.
00:43:16.079 --> 00:43:19.199
Because if nobody's never apologized to a kid, they can't give it away, right?
00:43:19.280 --> 00:43:21.360
So I am gonna show you how to do all these things.
00:43:21.519 --> 00:43:24.639
And now maybe you miss recess or maybe you have to do your master, whatever the deal is.
00:43:24.719 --> 00:43:26.000
The
consequence is really irrelevant.
00:43:26.159 --> 00:43:28.480
The teaching has just happened in the bringing home.
00:43:28.639 --> 00:43:29.599
That's what's critical.
00:43:29.679 --> 00:43:30.000
Okay.
00:43:30.159 --> 00:43:30.960
You you've noticed this.
00:43:31.039 --> 00:43:36.480
If you've ever seen a kid lose their friggin' mind and they're just like so awful, and then you bring them back home and they're the sweetest.
00:43:36.559 --> 00:43:38.800
And I say, like, what do you think we should do here to fix this?
00:43:38.960 --> 00:43:39.599
Well, okay.
00:43:39.760 --> 00:43:44.400
I thought I'm I'm gonna go I I'd like to paint the whole school and I never need to go up for recess again.
00:43:44.559 --> 00:43:49.280
You know, it's because the thing is when people are flipped, like you and me, when we're flipped, I say asinine things.
00:43:49.360 --> 00:43:56.960
You know, my kids play hockey, and when I get emotionally dysregulated on the bench as a mom, if they call a wrong thing, I'm like, What was that?
00:43:57.440 --> 00:43:58.400
What is wrong with you?
00:43:58.559 --> 00:43:59.840
Are you 13 and infect the rest of the house?
00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:01.039
Is 13.
00:44:01.199 --> 00:44:02.800
I'm a local psychologist.
00:44:02.880 --> 00:44:04.559
I'm screaming on the bench, right?
00:44:04.719 --> 00:44:07.119
We all get emotionally strangulated.
00:44:07.199 --> 00:44:09.599
Our job most of the time is how do we bring it back home?
00:44:09.679 --> 00:44:12.800
And the last thing I always think about is this is never an end game.
00:44:13.199 --> 00:44:14.559
They are such slow learners.
00:44:14.719 --> 00:44:16.239
It doesn't mean you're not doing it right.
00:44:16.719 --> 00:44:20.880
People will say this to me over and over again as we develop programs globally for schools.
00:44:21.039 --> 00:44:23.039
You know, this relationship stuff doesn't work.
00:44:23.519 --> 00:44:24.320
No, no, no, no.
00:44:24.400 --> 00:44:24.880
Look at me.
00:44:25.199 --> 00:44:27.440
It shouldn't work because it's getting undone every night.
00:44:27.679 --> 00:44:29.039
Their job is to lose their mind.
00:44:29.519 --> 00:44:30.639
Our job is to walk them back.
00:44:31.440 --> 00:44:32.559
Again and again and again.
00:44:32.639 --> 00:44:35.840
And where I want you to judge your parenting behavior is with other people's children.
00:44:36.320 --> 00:44:40.159
You're an amazing parent with other people's children because it's easier to stay calm.
00:44:40.239 --> 00:44:43.280
This is why grandparents tend to be better with their grandkids than their own personal children.
00:44:43.440 --> 00:44:46.480
Because you have less skin in the game, so you stay regulated more readily.
00:44:46.800 --> 00:44:49.840
I want you to judge your kid in the presence of your best friend.
00:44:50.880 --> 00:44:54.639
If you sent your teenovers to my teenagers to my house, you know, would they be okay, Rach?
00:44:54.719 --> 00:44:56.159
Would they would they use their manners?
00:44:56.320 --> 00:44:57.440
Would they be kind to my children?
00:44:57.760 --> 00:44:58.320
Oh, 100%.
00:44:58.639 --> 00:44:59.840
And people are always saying that to me.
00:44:59.920 --> 00:45:01.760
They're like, Your kids are the most amazing kids.
00:45:01.840 --> 00:45:04.000
They're so polite, they're so you know helpful.
00:45:04.159 --> 00:45:05.599
They're constantly asking what they can do.
00:45:05.679 --> 00:45:06.400
And I'm like, Really?
00:45:06.480 --> 00:45:07.119
Is that my child?
00:45:07.199 --> 00:45:08.960
Yeah, so you're that's my child.
00:45:09.280 --> 00:45:10.559
Your kid should be the worst with you.
00:45:10.960 --> 00:45:12.079
Then you're doing something right.
00:45:12.559 --> 00:45:16.480
And if you've ever got that compliment as a parent, you're you can retire.
00:45:16.639 --> 00:45:17.519
You're crushing it.
00:45:17.599 --> 00:45:19.039
Your babies are lucky to have you.
00:45:19.280 --> 00:45:24.239
You cannot judge your success as a parent by the feedback of your children in times of lid flip.
00:45:24.400 --> 00:45:27.519
What we're looking for is how they're doing outside of your presence.
00:45:27.599 --> 00:45:38.239
And that if they collapse when they come into your presence at the end of the day, at the end of a long school day, when they've been holding it together, or when they're on sports teams and they're doing their thing and they come home and like this kid's a jerk and this coach is awful.
00:45:38.400 --> 00:45:39.920
Like, yeah, tell me more.
00:45:40.159 --> 00:45:42.880
It's not how I want you to speak about people, but we're gonna get there.
00:45:43.360 --> 00:45:46.079
And I think, yeah, and I love I love you saying, yeah, tell me more.
00:45:46.159 --> 00:45:58.559
And I think one of the things that most of us really struggle with, and I know that I've struggled with it, but I'm getting better at it, is um not getting too emotionally engaged in the story they're telling me.
00:45:58.719 --> 00:46:03.119
So the problem is when you pick up their problem and decide that you've got to hold the problem.
00:46:03.360 --> 00:46:06.639
Because when you try and take the emotion from them, then you end up disregular.
00:46:06.880 --> 00:46:19.760
And my daughter told me, even explicitly, which is amazing, probably when she was about 14, she said to me, Mommy, one of the reasons why most kids won't tell their parents what's going on is because they think the parents don't care, or they think the parent will overreact.
00:46:20.719 --> 00:46:21.760
Two ends of the spectrum.
00:46:22.000 --> 00:46:23.679
Wow, she's so profoundly right.
00:46:23.920 --> 00:46:25.679
And yeah, and she's exactly right.
00:46:25.840 --> 00:46:33.760
And so that's the greatest work I think of parenting in this season of such overwhelm and such influx of data that suggests the kids are not okay.
00:46:33.920 --> 00:46:36.480
Um, they're exposed to way too many things, which is all true.
00:46:36.559 --> 00:46:50.159
But but our regulation, our time off social media, our capacity to find people who can remind us that we're doing a great job, seek platforms and communities like yours, like mine, that just say, uh, we're we're in this together.
00:46:50.320 --> 00:47:03.199
If we can't build villages like we used to in our small communities, let's do this in places where there's educated platforms where we can find data and support and connection and understand that we're none of us are going to get this right.
00:47:03.360 --> 00:47:09.519
And our only job is to to do it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again, and the kids will be all right.
00:47:10.639 --> 00:47:17.679
And is there anything else you'd like to say to any parents who maybe are beating themselves up about uh about their parenting?
00:47:17.760 --> 00:47:21.760
You know, because I always say to people who listen to my podcast, you're a great parent.
00:47:21.840 --> 00:47:33.039
Because the fact that you're even taking time out of a very busy day to listen to anybody talking about parenting means you're seeking support and doing your best with what you've got.
00:47:33.599 --> 00:47:42.239
What what do you think with parents who are who are feel bad about losing it and you know having to say sorry and okay?
00:47:42.320 --> 00:47:44.079
So first of all, it should be this hard.
00:47:44.400 --> 00:47:45.199
I've said this so much.
00:47:45.360 --> 00:47:47.199
My husband and I were like looking at each other the other day.
00:47:47.280 --> 00:47:48.800
I was like, you know, I don't think we want kids.
00:47:48.960 --> 00:47:49.440
I think we're out.
00:47:49.599 --> 00:47:52.639
I think we should let them know that the ship was still out.
00:47:52.719 --> 00:47:53.840
It was it was a good time.
00:47:54.000 --> 00:47:56.960
I mean, we really enjoyed, we've had some nice memories, but we're done now, okay?
00:47:57.199 --> 00:47:58.800
Because it's only holy moly.
00:47:58.880 --> 00:48:03.760
I remember when we brought the twins home, I had three under two, and I said to my dad, I can't do this.
00:48:03.920 --> 00:48:08.000
He's like, Oh, babe, like the little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems.
00:48:08.079 --> 00:48:09.920
And I'm like, it gets worse than this.
00:48:10.800 --> 00:48:18.960
And now, you know, with three teenagers, I I mean, I've I've never loved them more, I don't think, because I just I'm enjoying this phase so much better than any other phase.
00:48:19.280 --> 00:48:19.599
Same.
00:48:19.760 --> 00:48:24.239
But but I've also just I've never felt this incompetent.
00:48:24.320 --> 00:48:28.159
I've never felt this scared, I've never felt this like level of failure.
00:48:28.400 --> 00:48:30.400
And and I know this stuff, right?
00:48:30.559 --> 00:48:36.159
If that's any solace, like as I said to you, like, you know, best-selling parenting book, I know this stuff in my core.
00:48:36.480 --> 00:48:39.039
I lose access to it all the time.
00:48:39.440 --> 00:48:50.239
And I think normalizing that experience, particularly in this season where we've never had a script and so much to compare to, we our greatest investment is not in our kids, it's in each other.
00:48:50.400 --> 00:48:50.960
That's wonderful.
00:48:51.039 --> 00:48:58.639
Thank you so much for filling up our cup and making us understand how important it is to just stay regulated and find our way back to it.
00:48:58.800 --> 00:49:00.480
And you'll screw it up, that's okay too.
00:49:00.559 --> 00:49:00.800
Okay?
00:49:01.119 --> 00:49:01.679
That's okay too.
00:49:02.000 --> 00:49:03.920
Come on back to Punch and I, we got you.
00:49:04.079 --> 00:49:05.519
Yeah, how many times a day?
00:49:05.599 --> 00:49:06.639
Not just whether you do it.
00:49:06.719 --> 00:49:13.360
I mean, it's um so if people want to get hold of you, because I'm sure they will, what should they do?
00:49:13.599 --> 00:49:16.159
Yeah, I mean, I would love your community to be a part of ours.
00:49:16.239 --> 00:49:21.280
Where drjodekerrington.com is where everything lands on our website, and I do lots of fun stuff on social.
00:49:21.519 --> 00:49:25.280
Um, we've created just such a safe, connected community where we have hard conversations.
00:49:25.440 --> 00:49:26.960
So come on over.
00:49:28.960 --> 00:49:29.840
Thank you very much.
00:49:30.000 --> 00:49:33.039
I'll put the contact details in the podcast notes.
00:49:33.280 --> 00:49:34.159
That's it from us.
00:49:34.239 --> 00:49:40.400
Uh, if you want to find out more about my podcast, it's www.teenagersuntangled.com.
00:49:40.559 --> 00:49:45.599
I'm on Substack, or you can email me at teenagersuntangled at gmail.com.
00:49:45.679 --> 00:49:47.440
I'm on Instagram, all the socials.
00:49:47.599 --> 00:49:49.119
Some of them are better than others.
00:49:49.199 --> 00:49:50.320
And that's pretty much it.
00:49:50.400 --> 00:49:51.360
Uh have a great week.
00:49:51.519 --> 00:49:52.559
Big hug from me.
00:49:52.800 --> 00:49:53.280
Bye bye.
00:49:53.440 --> 00:49:54.639
Big hug from me.