התמלול המלא של Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 1

then there's 79 00:03:37.030 --> 00:03:40.650 loads of merch there that you're railroaded into buying. There's 80 00:03:40.689 --> 00:03:42.009 no performance element. 81 00:03:42.030 --> 00:03:42.789 They don't do anything. 82 00:03:42.849 --> 00:03:46.169 And they're lovely girls, but they just have like a 83 00:03:46.270 --> 00:03:48.909 step and repeat, you know, that branding board in the back. 84 00:03:49.400 --> 00:03:52.479 And they stand there and the children cue to hug 85 00:03:52.539 --> 00:03:54.650 them and record a quick TikTok where they stick their 86 00:03:54.669 --> 00:03:55.030 tongue out. 87 00:03:55.490 --> 00:03:57.590 And then they resume and they cue. 88 00:03:57.250 --> 00:04:01.810 Again to do the same. And it's really a weird, 89 00:04:01.909 --> 00:04:03.729 you wait. I don't know what it's going to be 90 00:04:03.750 --> 00:04:04.750 when your daughters are 10. 91 00:04:04.750 --> 00:04:05.449 I know. 92 00:04:05.689 --> 00:04:06.150 Oh, no. 93 00:04:06.189 --> 00:04:09.280 It's only five years away for me. It's like we're 94 00:04:09.319 --> 00:04:12.460 in Black Mirror, isn't it? 95 00:04:13.080 --> 00:04:15.099 I can't believe how out of the loop I am 96 00:04:15.139 --> 00:04:18.019 when you describe that. Am I old? 97 00:04:18.040 --> 00:04:22.810 No, you are peacefully unaware right now and enjoy this 98 00:04:22.949 --> 00:04:25.629 time because we all have different struggles at different stages 99 00:04:25.689 --> 00:04:28.069 of parenthood. And this is the one I'm in right now. 100 00:04:28.089 --> 00:04:30.629 I'm very ashamed to say that I paid a teenager 101 00:04:30.629 --> 00:04:33.069 800 pounds to visit my house last June. 102 00:04:33.250 --> 00:04:33.670 Did you? 103 00:04:33.870 --> 00:04:35.129 Because she's on TikTok. 104 00:04:35.290 --> 00:04:37.480 Yeah. So did I, but I got it out of 105 00:04:37.500 --> 00:04:38.000 the papers. 106 00:04:40.569 --> 00:04:43.670 So you paid a TikTok, like basically a corporate appearance fee, 107 00:04:43.769 --> 00:04:45.129 to come to your daughter's house? 108 00:04:45.449 --> 00:04:46.209 Exactly that. 109 00:04:46.230 --> 00:04:48.750 It was the only thing Violet wanted for her birthday. 110 00:04:48.829 --> 00:04:50.629 She said, will you get this TikToker to come to 111 00:04:50.670 --> 00:04:51.110 the house? 112 00:04:51.360 --> 00:04:51.709 Wow. 113 00:04:51.769 --> 00:04:54.139 And I said, all right. So I reached out to 114 00:04:54.199 --> 00:04:57.199 this teen. It felt very dirty, just a teenage girl. 115 00:04:58.079 --> 00:05:00.579 I was like, how much. 116 00:05:01.240 --> 00:05:02.839 How much is it going to cost me to get 117 00:05:02.860 --> 00:05:04.120 you come dance in my kitchen? 118 00:05:04.139 --> 00:05:11.939 I think it's a weird thing where Me and Josh 119 00:05:11.949 --> 00:05:13.639 are at the stage now where the kids are really 120 00:05:13.699 --> 00:05:16.720 young and we sort of feel quite young still. 121 00:05:16.779 -->

00:05:18.660 Like, oh, we sort of know about cool stuff, but 122 00:05:18.699 --> 00:05:20.420 we don't. We're completely oblivious. 123 00:05:20.480 --> 00:05:22.459 It's only when your kids get a bit older, like 124 00:05:22.480 --> 00:05:25.750 your daughter's 10 now, that they bring into this new world. 125 00:05:25.769 --> 00:05:27.850 You go, oh, that's what's going on. We're in this 126 00:05:27.870 --> 00:05:29.970 weird fallow period where we don't know what is cool 127 00:05:30.029 --> 00:05:32.209 or what is popular. And then you get brought into 128 00:05:32.250 --> 00:05:32.850 it by your kids. 129 00:05:33.189 --> 00:05:36.449 Do you think my parents were thinking about, like, we're 130 00:05:36.470 --> 00:05:39.209 talking about TikTok and they were talking about that, like, about, like, 131 00:05:39.259 --> 00:05:40.779 gladiators or like. 132 00:05:42.540 --> 00:05:46.970 All Josh wants is to meet Jazz in a mall. 133 00:05:47.889 --> 00:05:50.410 I spent 300 quid on getting Shadow to come round 134 00:05:50.430 --> 00:05:53.050 for the afternoon to hit him with a massive cotton bud. 135 00:05:57.990 --> 00:05:59.889 That was a brilliant Catherine Ryan. If you want to 136 00:05:59.910 --> 00:06:01.829 listen to the whole interview, you can find it right 137 00:06:01.860 --> 00:06:05.459 at the start. Series one, episode one. That and the 138 00:06:05.500 --> 00:06:07.439 rest of the clip details can be found in the 139 00:06:07.519 --> 00:06:11.300 episode listing. Up next is comedian John Richardson and the 140 00:06:11.339 --> 00:06:14.259 perils of trying to make food that both he and 141 00:06:14.360 --> 00:06:15.399 his daughter enjoy. 142 00:06:18.040 --> 00:06:19.579 Good afternoon, John Richardson. 143 00:06:19.639 --> 00:06:20.060 How are you? 144 00:06:20.490 --> 00:06:21.629 Yes, I'm very well. How are you? 145 00:06:22.009 --> 00:06:22.350 Yeah. 146 00:06:22.860 --> 00:06:24.120 We're all right, aren't we? 147 00:06:24.139 --> 00:06:26.319 Yeah, we're fine. I think we're good. Do you want 148 00:06:26.339 --> 00:06:28.439 to just take me through? So you've got one, you've 149 00:06:28.459 --> 00:06:29.040 got a daughter. 150 00:06:29.319 --> 00:06:30.939 We have a daughter who's three years old. 151 00:06:30.959 --> 00:06:31.589 Three years old. 152 00:06:31.600 --> 00:06:32.300 About three and a half. 153 00:06:32.620 --> 00:06:37.639 Proper three-nager, which is the term that I've been taught. Proper, bolshie, 154 00:06:37.959 --> 00:06:40.720 won't do what she's told, but in a sort of witty, 155 00:06:41.040 --> 00:06:43.459 you know, both of us are comics. So yeah, she's 156 00:06:43.519 --> 00:06:45.930 learned how to use humour as a way of deflecting 157 00:06:45.970 --> 00:06:47.730 from being an absolute pain in the arse. 158 00:06:47.949 --> 00:06:50.470 Which I can't. 159 00:06:50.250 --> 00:06:53.360 Criticise her for, because... That's the one thing I've taught her. 160 00:06:53.779 --> 00:06:56.790 I mean,

to let you into what's happening, it's, what 161 00:06:56.819 --> 00:06:59.649 is it, half past one. I'm having a beer because 162 00:06:59.689 --> 00:07:05.569 lunch was just an absolute nightmare. We had a nice morning. 163 00:07:05.689 --> 00:07:09.189 We went for our walk, came back, cooked a lovely curry, 164 00:07:10.069 --> 00:07:12.350 no spice in it so that Elsie could have some, 165 00:07:13.129 --> 00:07:15.810 put it down in front of her, just went absolutely apeshit, 166 00:07:15.829 --> 00:07:17.810 wouldn't touch it. And I've had a few meals where 167 00:07:17.850 --> 00:07:19.389 I've said, look, you know, we need you to eat 168 00:07:19.470 --> 00:07:22.329 and we need to understand what meal times are. And 169 00:07:22.389 --> 00:07:25.410 today I said, I like this curry, so I'm going 170 00:07:25.430 --> 00:07:27.430 to leave you with your mother and you can do 171 00:07:27.470 --> 00:07:28.550 what you need to do. And I'm going to eat 172 00:07:28.569 --> 00:07:30.230 it in a different room because I'm sick of you 173 00:07:30.250 --> 00:07:31.050 ruining my meals. 174 00:07:31.470 --> 00:07:36.170 And you had your bland curry on your own. 175 00:07:37.110 --> 00:07:39.310 I chopped some chilies in mine. I put some coriander 176 00:07:39.360 --> 00:07:41.480 in it. All the stuff she doesn't like that I 177 00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:45.939 omitted to handcraft a meal for a child that is 178 00:07:46.019 --> 00:07:48.980 now halfway through some fish dippers and waffles. 179 00:07:49.180 --> 00:07:51.980 Do you think maybe... You'd made her carry too bland. 180 00:07:52.240 --> 00:07:55.139 She said there was pepper in it. And there isn't 181 00:07:55.500 --> 00:07:57.980 because I... Fuck the fucking thing. But you can't say 182 00:07:58.019 --> 00:07:59.379 that to a three-year-old. 183 00:07:59.420 --> 00:08:01.899 Can you? 184 00:08:01.959 --> 00:08:03.980 I know exactly what's in it because I put it 185 00:08:04.019 --> 00:08:07.079 in there. What I'm learning is when the rage kicks 186 00:08:07.139 --> 00:08:10.889 in instantly, that's my fault, not hers. So when she 187 00:08:10.949 --> 00:08:12.490 says that and I say, oh, look, I promise you 188 00:08:12.509 --> 00:08:14.589 there isn't. Come over here and I'll show you the ingredients. 189 00:08:14.629 --> 00:08:16.170 And look, you helped me, didn't you? Because you did 190 00:08:16.189 --> 00:08:20.329 the mushrooms. That's rational good, daddy. The minute the reaction 191 00:08:20.350 --> 00:08:24.790 to that is, the fuck it isn't any pepper. When 192 00:08:24.829 --> 00:08:27.230 that thought comes to my head, I think, you need 193 00:08:27.269 --> 00:08:30.410 to go away now because she's bored of you as well. 194 00:08:30.509 --> 00:08:33.389 So I went in a different room and I think 195 00:08:33.649 --> 00:08:34.730 that was the right policy. 196 00:08:35.269 --> 00:08:36.690 Oh, that's nice. How's your beer? 197 00:08:36.870 --> 00:08:41.610 The beer is cold and delicious and it's the first of, well, 198 00:08:41.649 --> 00:08:44.029 not many because, you know, there'll be this whole round 199 00:08:44.080 --> 00:08:45.340 to have again at tea time, won't there? 200 00:08:45.379 --> 00:08:49.669 LAUGHTER What are you making for tea? Are you doing 201 00:08:49.710 --> 00:08:50.350 a lot of cooking? 202 00:08:50.669 --> 00:08:54.129 Yeah, food's my sort of go-to, you know, I wake 203 00:08:54.169 --> 00:08:56.070 up in the morning and I need to know what 204 00:08:56.090 --> 00:08:58.669 we're having. So last night at quarter to 12, I 205 00:08:58.690 --> 00:09:01.840 suddenly decided we had to have Bircher muesli for breakfast. 206 00:09:02.700 --> 00:09:06.159 So I was clattering around in the kitchen, soaking oats. 207 00:09:06.340 --> 00:09:08.139 She didn't eat that either. What she does, she eats 208 00:09:08.200 --> 00:09:10.480 until she's not hungry. She doesn't eat until she's full. 209 00:09:10.620 --> 00:09:12.000 I don't know if you're experiencing this. 210 00:09:12.320 --> 00:09:14.759 I've got two and one eats, the younger one eats 211 00:09:14.840 --> 00:09:18.279 everything and all the dinner, really good. The other one doesn't, 212 00:09:18.330 --> 00:09:20.259 like you say, will have one mouthful and goes, oh, 213 00:09:20.470 --> 00:09:22.429 I'm not starving hunger anymore. 214 00:09:22.690 --> 00:09:23.029 I'm off. 215 00:09:23.450 --> 00:09:25.509 And then an hour later, can I have a sandwich? 216 00:09:25.529 --> 00:09:26.210 Can I have some bread? 217 00:09:26.370 --> 00:09:26.629 Yeah. 218 00:09:26.870 --> 00:09:28.590 I know, but it sort of makes sense, doesn't it? 219 00:09:28.929 --> 00:09:30.870 When there's so many toys in the house, the sort 220 00:09:30.889 --> 00:09:32.759 of policy is, well, I'll just pick. You know, like 221 00:09:32.779 --> 00:09:34.259 when you're at a house party, you go, I'll just 222 00:09:34.320 --> 00:09:34.919 pick at stuff. 223 00:09:35.039 --> 00:09:35.259 Yeah. 224 00:09:35.679 --> 00:09:38.740 You can't explain to her. You need to sit and 225 00:09:38.899 --> 00:09:41.080 continue to... I know you know what it tastes like 226 00:09:41.120 --> 00:09:43.740 and you're not hungry anymore, but the policy is you 227 00:09:43.799 --> 00:09:47.019 now shovel this gruel into your face until it slightly hurts. 228 00:09:48.250 --> 00:09:50.429 I don't know if the words the policy is are 229 00:09:50.450 --> 00:09:51.710 going to be helpful to her. 230 00:09:54.129 --> 00:09:56.850 She genuinely has picked up. And it's one of those 231 00:09:56.870 --> 00:09:58.549 things you don't know you're saying it until they say 232 00:09:58.570 --> 00:10:00.440 it back to you. She'll say now she'll say to 233 00:10:00.460 --> 00:10:04.500 me okay daddy here's the deal and then we have 234 00:10:04.600 --> 00:10:10.320 a negotiation here's the deal i eat this waffle and 235 00:10:10.360 --> 00:10:13.139 then that's it and then we can play and you 236

00:10:13.159 --> 00:10:14.960 have to say yeah okay fine. 237 00:10:15.250 --> 00:10:16.889 John, with these deals, you've got to be prepared to 238 00:10:16.929 --> 00:10:19.330 walk away. That's the thing. If you're going to show 239 00:10:19.370 --> 00:10:20.029 any strength. 240 00:10:20.309 --> 00:10:22.240 I'm too prepared to walk away. That's the problem. 241 00:10:22.429 --> 00:10:24.480 I've got a little bit of a tip for trying 242 00:10:24.500 --> 00:10:26.259 to get to eat lunch, because like I said, mine 243 00:10:26.299 --> 00:10:30.000 don't really do it. Do a picnic buggy. But what 244 00:10:30.019 --> 00:10:31.820 you do is make them a packed lunch, put them 245 00:10:31.840 --> 00:10:33.899 in the buggy with it, and then you walk for 246 00:10:33.919 --> 00:10:35.379 an hour whilst they eat their lunch. 247 00:10:35.779 --> 00:10:37.539 That is a good little tip, Rob. 248 00:10:38.169 --> 00:10:39.649 It's a lovely tip, but then you get to an 249 00:10:39.750 --> 00:10:42.580 age where she needs to learn to sit and eat 250 00:10:42.620 --> 00:10:45.279 a meal, you know, because this lockdown situation, she's not 251 00:10:45.299 --> 00:10:48.059 going to nursery anymore. And nursery was where she was learning, 252 00:10:48.440 --> 00:10:49.940 you know, you can be a bit of a prick 253 00:10:49.960 --> 00:10:53.059 at home while we're eating tea, but you can't, if 254 00:10:53.100 --> 00:10:55.120 you mess around at nursery, you'll get told off and 255 00:10:55.139 --> 00:10:56.070 you just won't get lunch. 256 00:10:56.159 --> 00:10:58.049 Well, that was my, I tell you, that was my 257 00:10:58.649 --> 00:11:02.230 saving grace whenever I did some bad, like weak parenting 258 00:11:02.889 --> 00:11:05.730 was I'd always think she's picking it up at nursery 259 00:11:05.750 --> 00:11:08.120 and So it doesn't matter if I drop the ball 260 00:11:08.179 --> 00:11:11.220 a bit. She's eating great food at nursery. So this 261 00:11:11.259 --> 00:11:14.379 cheese on toast is fine. And now I haven't got that. 262 00:11:14.860 --> 00:11:16.320 Yeah, but you worry too much because when they go, 263 00:11:16.360 --> 00:11:18.659 we've got to teach him to use a knife and fork. No, 264 00:11:18.899 --> 00:11:21.639 I've never met anyone at 37. you go to a restaurant, 265 00:11:21.659 --> 00:11:24.360 they're just like shoveling soup up with their hands because 266 00:11:24.379 --> 00:11:25.100 they never learn. 267 00:11:25.940 --> 00:11:27.730 They will learn at some point. Do you know what 268 00:11:27.750 --> 00:11:29.169 I mean? Like the same with sitting down. 269 00:11:29.230 --> 00:11:31.690 It's like, you don't see like grownups at weddings wandering 270 00:11:31.750 --> 00:11:34.409 about just eating a baguette because that's just what I 271 00:11:34.409 --> 00:11:34.929 did as a kid. 272 00:11:35.230 --> 00:11:37.730 You meet someone, he's like, yeah, I do want this meal, 273 00:11:37.750 --> 00:11:39.149 but you're right to push me

around in a buggy 274 00:11:39.190 --> 00:11:39.850 while I eat it. 275 00:11:40.110 --> 00:11:49.629 LAUGHTER And because it's only fair, and for the purposes 276 00:11:49.669 --> 00:11:52.950 of balance, of course, here's John's wife Lucy with her 277 00:11:53.049 --> 00:11:55.029 version of the curry gate scandal. 278 00:11:57.350 --> 00:12:00.909 He made her a corn curry with brown rice. 279 00:12:01.029 --> 00:12:03.269 I mean, I'm tapping out of that as an adult. 280 00:12:04.549 --> 00:12:05.889 He never said that, did he, Josh? 281 00:12:05.970 --> 00:12:07.879 No, he said it was a lovely curry. 282 00:12:08.120 --> 00:12:12.500 It was a lovely curry for John. For someone who's 283 00:12:12.539 --> 00:12:13.820 trying to not like food. 284 00:12:18.169 --> 00:12:19.750 You can't expect a kid to eat that. 285 00:12:20.149 --> 00:12:22.889 No, so she pretended that she wanted a poo and 286 00:12:22.929 --> 00:12:23.950 I made her chicken dippers. 287 00:12:25.870 --> 00:12:28.769 Does she play you off against each other then? Does 288 00:12:28.789 --> 00:12:30.389 she understand the different characters? 289 00:12:30.629 --> 00:12:31.750 God, she's so clever. 290 00:12:31.970 --> 00:12:35.730 She's been doing it, yeah. She's had me particularly wrapped 291 00:12:35.750 --> 00:12:39.320 around it. She listens to John, he's the disciplinarian, and me, 292 00:12:39.389 --> 00:12:41.879 I'm wrapped around her finger. I don't even realise I'm 293 00:12:41.889 --> 00:12:44.559 doing stuff and then before I know it, like, a 294 00:12:44.799 --> 00:12:47.950 whole Easter egg's gone. And she's still in her pyjamas 295 00:12:47.970 --> 00:12:48.809 and it's four. 296 00:12:50.450 --> 00:12:53.529 O'clock. You're the good cop then and John's the bad cop. 297 00:12:53.750 --> 00:12:55.129 Do you know what I think it is? 298 00:12:55.700 --> 00:12:58.639 She sees me as like her older sister. 299 00:12:58.799 --> 00:12:59.779 Yeah. 300 00:12:59.860 --> 00:13:02.240 Like a sibling. It's hard. 301 00:13:02.600 --> 00:13:04.519 My wife's a bit like that with the two girls. 302 00:13:04.580 --> 00:13:06.399 And sometimes in the morning, if it's her turn to 303 00:13:06.419 --> 00:13:08.230 get up with them and she goes in and they're 304 00:13:08.269 --> 00:13:11.190 arguing and fighting and she starts shouting, I can't work 305 00:13:11.269 --> 00:13:12.370 out which one's my wife. 306 00:13:13.750 --> 00:13:15.370 It just sounds like they're all the same. 307 00:13:15.610 --> 00:13:16.730 I've got three daughters. 308 00:13:17.210 --> 00:13:18.669 I can't work out the voices. 309 00:13:19.850 --> 00:13:20.409 Oh, God. 310 00:13:20.509 --> 00:13:22.309 I do that with her socks. I can't work out 311 00:13:22.370 --> 00:13:23.309 whose socks are who. 312 00:13:28.590 --> 00:13:29.350 It's tricky. 313 00:13:29.529 --> 00:13:32.100 It's just no one can prepare you, can they? Like 314 00:13:32.129 --> 00:13:35.220 how it changes your relationship and your home.

315 00:13:35.240 --> 00:13:35.440 Yeah. 316 00:13:35.539 --> 00:13:35.779 Yeah. 317 00:13:36.230 --> 00:13:38.429 Is your home in a good state? Like, John must 318 00:13:38.470 --> 00:13:39.669 be keeping it pretty sharp. 319 00:13:39.789 --> 00:13:42.110 It's all bollocks, this thing about him being tidy. 320 00:13:42.330 --> 00:13:42.629 Is it? 321 00:13:42.690 --> 00:13:44.110 He's absolutely not tidy. 322 00:13:44.169 --> 00:13:44.590 No, no. 323 00:13:44.909 --> 00:13:47.980 It'll line up like tins in the fridge, but everything 324 00:13:48.049 --> 00:13:51.120 else will just be. And he's not clean. He doesn't 325 00:13:51.200 --> 00:13:55.179 hoover or dust or anything like that. It's all, I 326 00:13:55.220 --> 00:13:57.580 can't believe it. People think, oh, he must have a 327 00:13:57.580 --> 00:13:58.279 real tidy house. 328 00:13:58.360 --> 00:13:59.039 No, I do it all. 329 00:13:59.399 --> 00:14:00.019 Do you? 330 00:14:00.080 --> 00:14:02.200 I do everything. Yeah, I do everything. 331 00:14:02.279 --> 00:14:05.419 Because he was quite angry about the strainer in the sink. 332 00:14:05.669 --> 00:14:06.649 Apart from that, yeah. 333 00:14:06.789 --> 00:14:07.710 That's his thing, is it? 334 00:14:07.870 --> 00:14:10.909 Yeah, we do argue a lot about stuff like that, 335 00:14:10.929 --> 00:14:12.929 but I think it's really good to argue, isn't it? 336 00:14:13.070 --> 00:14:14.960 Yeah, I think you need it. When you hear a 337 00:14:15.019 --> 00:14:18.500 couple that doesn't argue, I find that very creepy. 338 00:14:18.799 --> 00:14:21.379 Do you know what's happening if there's a couple who 339 00:14:21.419 --> 00:14:24.139 isn't arguing? One of them's having an affair. 340 00:14:24.539 --> 00:14:28.570 In lockdown, that'd be ambitious, though, wouldn't it? You only 341 00:14:28.629 --> 00:14:29.710 get an hour in the park. 342 00:14:31.149 --> 00:14:33.049 That's what doggers have been waiting for for years. 343 00:14:33.070 --> 00:14:39.559 LAUGHTER The next highlight from the archives, the brilliant Ellie 344 00:14:39.620 --> 00:14:43.379 Taylor runs us through some questionable breastfeeding training advice. 345 00:14:45.700 --> 00:14:47.220 How did you get on with that? Because Lou found 346 00:14:47.240 --> 00:14:49.929 that quite difficult with the breastfeeding stuff. Did you enjoy 347 00:14:49.950 --> 00:14:53.570 it or was it hard? What was your experience of that? 348 00:14:53.610 --> 00:14:54.110 For me, it was. 349 00:14:56.490 --> 00:14:58.710 It was pretty easy at the beginning and it came 350 00:14:58.750 --> 00:15:00.570 quite naturally and I was really chuffed. But then I 351 00:15:00.610 --> 00:15:04.610 got mastitis a couple of times, which was like absolute hell. 352 00:15:04.850 --> 00:15:06.230 Oh my God. 353 00:15:06.870 --> 00:15:09.929 I don't understand what the fuck nature is doing. So 354 00:15:09.950 --> 00:15:14.320 the first time I had it, she was seven weeks old. 355 00:15:14.549 --> 00:15:18.279 I'm recovering from a cesarean still. Like you're obviously at 356 00:15:18.379 --> 00:15:22.419 the lowest ebb you can possibly imagine. And then nature 357 00:15:22.460 --> 00:15:24.700 decides to infect one of your tits. 358 00:15:26.629 --> 00:15:28.649 I'm sorry to laugh. 359 00:15:29.210 --> 00:15:31.710 But it was, I mean, it was, there were always 360 00:15:31.769 --> 00:15:34.409 dark moments of humor in these situations. And I remember like, 361 00:15:34.580 --> 00:15:36.460 I've never been in so much pain and I was 362 00:15:36.500 --> 00:15:40.059 like hallucinating with this fever. And we got a breastfeeding 363 00:15:40.100 --> 00:15:41.940 coach to come around and try and sort of work 364 00:15:41.980 --> 00:15:43.779 out why I'd got mastitis and try and help the latch. 365 00:15:44.000 --> 00:15:46.610 And she was this strange Russian lady. And to try 366 00:15:46.830 --> 00:15:50.230 and sort of help me work out the latch, she got, 367 00:15:50.570 --> 00:15:52.690 she pulled out of her bag, I'm crying on the 368 00:15:52.710 --> 00:15:54.169 sofa in the most pain I've ever been in my life. 369 00:15:54.429 --> 00:16:00.340 She pulls out an Elmo hand puppet and starts to 370 00:16:00.360 --> 00:16:04.600 sort of demonstrate the perfect latch with the Elmo puppet 371 00:16:04.700 --> 00:16:06.059 on my infected tit. 372 00:16:06.419 --> 00:16:07.200 Oh God. 373 00:16:07.259 --> 00:16:09.259 Oh my word. At the time I was... Are you 374 00:16:09.299 --> 00:16:09.720 sure this was. 375 00:16:11.340 --> 00:16:15.570 Oh, the days of pre-corona, had it been disinfected? How 376 00:16:15.610 --> 00:16:18.919 many breasts has this Elmo been on? That'll weigh Lineker 377 00:16:19.000 --> 00:16:24.490 of hand puppets in. feeling that moment Ellie that you're 378 00:16:24.509 --> 00:16:26.490 just sat there because I well I. 379 00:16:26.429 --> 00:16:29.370 Was I was you know very I was very vulnerable 380 00:16:29.389 --> 00:16:31.429 at that moment so I was like a lady what 381 00:16:31.450 --> 00:16:35.929 to do Elmo will help me um reflecting back on 382 00:16:35.970 --> 00:16:41.429 it that I was like what the fuck um. 383 00:16:40.620 --> 00:16:43.320 That Elmo's got some stories to tell hasn't it bloody 384 00:16:43.399 --> 00:16:44.059 up can. 385 00:16:44.019 --> 00:16:45.740 I throw some other options at you of what you 386 00:16:45.759 --> 00:16:47.879 would be accepting because you accepted Elmo obviously like a 387 00:16:47.899 --> 00:16:49.840 sort of cartoon figure if she just whipped out of 388 00:16:49.860 --> 00:16:53.799 ventriloquist doll how would you feel Because it must. 389 00:16:53.700 --> 00:16:56.070 Be a level of the cuddly toy you'd accept to 390 00:16:56.090 --> 00:16:59.009 do that. You know, go, hold up. No, no, no, no, no. 391 00:16:59.049 --> 00:17:00.590 This is one step too far. 392 00:17:01.350 --> 00:17:03.610 If it had kind eyes, I'd let anything have a 393 00:17:03.629 --> 00:17:04.750 go at that

point, I think. 394 00:17:04.769 --> 00:17:06.609 Fair enough. You're very vulnerable. 395 00:17:06.829 --> 00:17:07.670 And did it work? 396 00:17:09.009 --> 00:17:11.170 Well, it got better, and I don't know. And then 397 00:17:11.230 --> 00:17:13.450 I got mastitis again, and it was just sort of 398 00:17:13.470 --> 00:17:13.930 a pile of shit. 399 00:17:13.950 --> 00:17:14.539 I don't understand. 400 00:17:14.579 --> 00:17:16.380 You brought Oscar the Grouch around that time. 401 00:17:18.259 --> 00:17:19.660 Big bird. I had a go on the other one. 402 00:17:20.200 --> 00:17:26.500 LAUGHTER That gold cookie monster stayed at home. Yeah. 403 00:17:26.619 --> 00:17:26.799 Yeah. 404 00:17:26.859 --> 00:17:28.920 So it was like, I did like miss it though. 405 00:17:28.940 --> 00:17:31.180 When I stopped breastfeeding, I did miss it. But then I, 406 00:17:31.319 --> 00:17:33.420 I got really quite, I remember getting quite emotional. Like 407 00:17:33.819 --> 00:17:36.220 it's the end of our journey together. I'm just going 408 00:17:36.240 --> 00:17:37.869 to feed her one last time. And then she started 409 00:17:37.920 --> 00:17:39.529 biting me and I was like, Oh, do you know what? 410 00:17:39.569 --> 00:17:41.349 I think we're done. And it was less, yeah, it 411 00:17:41.390 --> 00:17:43.230 was less, it was less sad to let it go. 412 00:17:43.369 --> 00:17:44.750 But I didn't, yeah, I do still kind of miss 413 00:17:44.769 --> 00:17:46.250 it in a way. Although when I hear about some 414 00:17:46.269 --> 00:17:47.470 of my friends who are still doing it and their 415 00:17:47.490 --> 00:17:49.630 kids are 18 months old and like, They're not sleeping 416 00:17:49.650 --> 00:17:51.740 through the night and stuff. I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. 417 00:17:51.980 --> 00:17:52.839 I'm fine with bottles now. 418 00:17:52.980 --> 00:17:53.420 Thank you. 419 00:17:53.440 --> 00:17:53.519 Yeah. 420 00:17:54.039 --> 00:17:56.980 Yeah, that is tough. There's so much pressure, especially if 421 00:17:57.000 --> 00:17:59.380 they're starting to bite, just tap out. That's when Lou did, 422 00:17:59.420 --> 00:18:02.309 especially with my offspring. You can't have them nibbling away 423 00:18:02.349 --> 00:18:03.430 at those jeans. 424 00:18:07.430 --> 00:18:09.970 Now it's time for comedy legend Jack D and his 425 00:18:10.059 --> 00:18:11.940 tale of the terror of twins. 426 00:18:14.660 --> 00:18:17.380 And they're twins, aren't they? So your two sons are twins. 427 00:18:17.440 --> 00:18:18.079 They're twins. 428 00:18:18.180 --> 00:18:21.559 So they're both 22, and they're non-identical, so they're very, 429 00:18:21.599 --> 00:18:27.019 very different. So it's not like you've got two kind 430 00:18:27.059 --> 00:18:28.680 of identical freaks going. 431 00:18:28.500 --> 00:18:29.539 Around the place. 432 00:18:29.599 --> 00:18:36.799 LAUGHTER Couldn't have any telepathy and all that going on 433 00:18:36.819 --> 00:18:41.809 at the table. That would not work

for me. If 434 00:18:41.869 --> 00:18:43.990 they had been identical, I think I would have just 435 00:18:44.049 --> 00:18:46.289 done eeny, meeny, miny, moe and sold one of them. 436 00:18:49.190 --> 00:18:50.980 I just wouldn't want that going on, would you? 437 00:18:51.000 --> 00:18:52.460 It'd be horrible. 438 00:18:52.480 --> 00:18:54.720 They speak their own little language and everything. 439 00:18:56.140 --> 00:18:59.740 What was the moment like when you realised that you 440 00:18:59.779 --> 00:19:01.259 were going to have three, but now you're going to 441 00:19:01.299 --> 00:19:02.140 have four children? 442 00:19:02.630 --> 00:19:05.950 Well, the news was broken to me actually by Hattie, 443 00:19:06.009 --> 00:19:07.089 who's our eldest daughter. 444 00:19:07.130 --> 00:19:09.369 She was then, she was, she was what, six. 445 00:19:09.589 --> 00:19:13.529 And I got paid, I was working at ITV and 446 00:19:14.470 --> 00:19:17.180 I got paid to go to the front desk. And 447 00:19:17.759 --> 00:19:20.119 when I turned up, Jane, my wife was there with 448 00:19:20.160 --> 00:19:23.940 Hattie and Phoebe, our two daughters. My memory is Hattie 449 00:19:24.059 --> 00:19:27.019 running towards me with this photo, the scan photo. 450 00:19:27.420 --> 00:19:30.119 Saying, there are two of them, there are two of them. 451 00:19:30.279 --> 00:19:32.480 Really exciting, because we hadn't found out until it was 452 00:19:32.500 --> 00:19:37.680 about a 20-week scan or something. And the guy doing 453 00:19:37.700 --> 00:19:39.640 the sort of thing, he said, oh, have we told 454 00:19:39.680 --> 00:19:40.769 you if they're identical or not? 455 00:19:40.789 --> 00:19:43.490 And Jane said, what? And that's how we found out. 456 00:19:43.509 --> 00:19:46.019 You know, what you're talking about wow. 457 00:19:50.690 --> 00:19:52.589 We were lucky there because we'd already had two children, 458 00:19:52.650 --> 00:19:55.549 so we kind of knew a bit about how to 459 00:19:55.589 --> 00:19:57.930 look after babies and kids and stuff like that. I 460 00:19:57.950 --> 00:20:00.750 think I've got friends, and you probably know people as well, 461 00:20:00.769 --> 00:20:03.839 who have twins first time round, and I just don't 462 00:20:03.900 --> 00:20:07.640 know how they cope with that. Because that is a 463 00:20:07.740 --> 00:20:10.480 bad enough shot with one of them, isn't it? You know, 464 00:20:11.039 --> 00:20:14.240 one baby will ruin your life. What did two do 465 00:20:14.359 --> 00:20:17.660 at the same time? Two of them coming in, I mean, 466 00:20:17.700 --> 00:20:18.359 just awful. 467 00:20:18.400 --> 00:20:18.599 Yeah. 468 00:20:19.390 --> 00:20:19.980 So what's it. 469 00:20:19.970 --> 00:20:23.299 Like having twins? Are you putting them down to bed 470 00:20:23.319 --> 00:20:25.839 at the same time? Are you trying to bath? Is 471 00:20:25.880 --> 00:20:27.779 it all like you're just trying to double team them 472 00:20:27.819 --> 00:20:29.759 in that sense? 473 00:20:29.960 --> 00:20:33.779 No, they were never in sync with each other. They 474 00:20:33.819 --> 00:20:35.960 could never kind of like both be hungry at the 475 00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:38.140 same time, both be tired at the same time. They 476 00:20:38.220 --> 00:20:42.559 did shift work. That's what it was. So it was 477 00:20:42.579 --> 00:20:46.740 24-hour full-on. You'd have one would fall asleep, the other 478 00:20:46.809 --> 00:20:48.329 one wake up, and so you have to get them 479 00:20:48.369 --> 00:20:49.710 out of the room in case they wake the other 480 00:20:49.809 --> 00:20:53.309 one up. It really was chaos. In fact, a couple 481 00:20:53.329 --> 00:20:55.170 of times we just hired a nanny, me and Jane, 482 00:20:55.230 --> 00:20:57.269 and just went away to a hotel for the weekend 483 00:20:57.289 --> 00:21:01.170 to sleep. Literally, just a hotel down the road. 484 00:21:01.309 --> 00:21:02.990 We're just going to sleep. 485 00:21:03.329 --> 00:21:05.269 It wasn't even a nice hotel, just down there. It 486 00:21:05.490 --> 00:21:07.230 was an ibis down the road. We just went there 487 00:21:07.250 --> 00:21:08.279 to sleep for 25 hours. 488 00:21:12.930 --> 00:21:14.630 Was there a point, though, where you thought they might 489 00:21:14.650 --> 00:21:16.829 be identical? Because I swear, all babies are the same. 490 00:21:17.390 --> 00:21:19.369 Was you just looking at them going, are you sure 491 00:21:19.390 --> 00:21:19.710 they're not? 492 00:21:19.730 --> 00:21:21.710 And then eventually they. 493 00:21:21.890 --> 00:21:24.750 No, one of them is quite a lot chunkier than 494 00:21:24.769 --> 00:21:26.930 the other one. Charlie comes out first, and he's the 495 00:21:26.970 --> 00:21:30.539 big bruiser. He was taking up all the space. And 496 00:21:30.559 --> 00:21:35.079 then Miles comes out, and he's a little bit more 497 00:21:35.140 --> 00:21:37.420 sort of petite and small. But, you know, I mean, 498 00:21:37.440 --> 00:21:39.559 it's great. And then the doctor goes, right, let's see 499 00:21:39.599 --> 00:21:41.539 what number three is. And Jane nearly. 500 00:21:44.859 --> 00:21:47.180 Jane practically fell off the table. And he goes, oh, 501 00:21:47.220 --> 00:21:49.440 just joking. I said, yeah, all right, all right, just 502 00:21:49.460 --> 00:21:52.140 leave that to me. 503 00:21:52.180 --> 00:21:54.720 That is a great line, though, for someone to. 504 00:21:54.839 --> 00:21:56.369 I know, but I felt like I said, look, I 505 00:21:56.380 --> 00:21:58.720 know the safe limits of humour in my household. 506 00:22:00.009 --> 00:22:01.289 And you've gone way past it. 507 00:22:03.079 --> 00:22:04.630 Do they get on well, then? They do. 508 00:22:04.710 --> 00:22:06.609 They do get on well. Because, I mean, partly they 509 00:22:06.630 --> 00:22:10.109 get on well because they're complete opposites to each other. 510 00:22:10.130 --> 00:22:11.009 And that, I think, is. 511

00:22:12.519 --> 00:22:14.670 One of the sort of redeeming features. If you have 512 00:22:14.710 --> 00:22:17.529 twins who decide not to be like each other or 513 00:22:17.569 --> 00:22:20.690 just aren't anyway, and they right from day one would 514 00:22:20.849 --> 00:22:22.569 not do the same thing as each other. So if 515 00:22:22.589 --> 00:22:25.660 they were doing the same homework, one would do coloring 516 00:22:25.740 --> 00:22:27.559 in and the other one decided not to color in 517 00:22:27.599 --> 00:22:29.539 and just, you know, scribble over it or something. And 518 00:22:29.559 --> 00:22:32.000 it would just be, it was always, I will not 519 00:22:32.039 --> 00:22:34.930 do what he does and vice versa. So they're never, 520 00:22:35.289 --> 00:22:38.430 They were never competing, never trod on each other's territory. 521 00:22:38.730 --> 00:22:40.329 So in that respect, it's quite good. And I always 522 00:22:40.349 --> 00:22:42.349 think if you put them together, you'd have the perfect human, 523 00:22:42.390 --> 00:22:43.410 but they just. 524 00:22:43.250 --> 00:22:46.849 Have very, very, very opposite views. 525 00:22:53.670 --> 00:22:57.710 Next up is Daisy Mae Cooper and her daughter's patriotic 526 00:22:57.910 --> 00:22:58.630 potty training. 527 00:23:01.019 --> 00:23:04.640 Daisy, what's your setup at home? What's your kid's setup? 528 00:23:04.660 --> 00:23:08.480 So it's me and my husband and our two-year-old daughter 529 00:23:08.500 --> 00:23:12.400 who's just become a complete nightmare. 530 00:23:12.420 --> 00:23:13.380 Oh, really? 531 00:23:13.420 --> 00:23:13.640 Yeah. 532 00:23:13.809 --> 00:23:14.680 Oh, my God. 533 00:23:14.769 --> 00:23:15.970 During lockdown or? 534 00:23:16.210 --> 00:23:17.170 During lockdown. 535 00:23:17.289 --> 00:23:20.809 It's just got naughtier and naughtier and naughtier and naughtier. 536 00:23:21.210 --> 00:23:22.750 What kind of things? 537 00:23:23.309 --> 00:23:24.549 It's so weird. 538 00:23:24.589 --> 00:23:28.650 So she's decided to use the shed as like an 539 00:23:28.829 --> 00:23:34.990 outdoor privy. And she's been taking– that's why I was– 540 00:23:35.049 --> 00:23:37.309 do you know what was so mental? I'm losing my 541 00:23:37.329 --> 00:23:40.349 mind so much that I was looking up to see, 542 00:23:40.509 --> 00:23:43.930 you know, if kids have been reincarnated from World War II, 543 00:23:43.970 --> 00:23:45.069 and that's why she's. 544 00:23:49.160 --> 00:23:50.799 Any evidence to suggest she has? 545 00:23:50.900 --> 00:23:52.960 Well, no. 546 00:23:53.500 --> 00:23:56.420 The only evidence I have is she's ripping her nappy 547 00:23:56.559 --> 00:24:01.380 off She's done about three poos in the shed. And 548 00:24:01.420 --> 00:24:06.750 the latest one she was really proud of because for V-Day, 549 00:24:06.950 --> 00:24:10.190 we had these kind of little cocktail sticks with little 550 00:24:10.250 --> 00:24:13.890 flags on them that we had in cupcakes. And

she'd 551 00:24:13.950 --> 00:24:16.750 managed to find one of them in the garden and 552 00:24:17.299 --> 00:24:21.630 put it in her poo in the shed. LAUGHTER And 553 00:24:21.670 --> 00:24:26.309 then called me over to come and witness it. And 554 00:24:26.369 --> 00:24:29.079 I just stared at it for about 30 seconds. 555 00:24:29.150 --> 00:24:31.380 Just complete bafflement. 556 00:24:32.880 --> 00:24:34.119 Are you doing potty training then? 557 00:24:34.700 --> 00:24:35.339 We tried. 558 00:24:35.400 --> 00:24:38.440 She was brilliant before lockdown. She really enjoyed it. But 559 00:24:38.500 --> 00:24:39.700 now she just doesn't. 560 00:24:39.480 --> 00:24:41.789 Give a fuck. She doesn't give a fuck about anyone 561 00:24:41.809 --> 00:24:43.329 or anything. 562 00:24:44.170 --> 00:24:45.430 It's just horrendous. 563 00:24:47.210 --> 00:24:49.960 What did you do with the kind of, flag poo 564 00:24:50.440 --> 00:24:52.619 did you did you say that it was good or 565 00:24:52.640 --> 00:24:55.779 did you what did it have a british flag in 566 00:24:55.960 --> 00:24:59.539 it like a kind of union track like we've claimed. 567 00:24:59.029 --> 00:25:02.970 It yes that's exactly what it was i just i 568 00:25:03.130 --> 00:25:06.710 i stood in silence for about 30 seconds because it was. 569 00:25:06.630 --> 00:25:08.250 Like in respectful silence to our flag. 570 00:25:10.490 --> 00:25:13.390 It's like something the far left would put on a poster. 571 00:25:14.009 --> 00:25:20.230 About Brexit, isn't it? 572 00:25:20.269 --> 00:25:21.730 So are you still working at the moment? Is your 573 00:25:21.750 --> 00:25:22.789 husband working from home? 574 00:25:23.390 --> 00:25:26.630 My husband's a landscape gardener, so he sort of can 575 00:25:26.670 --> 00:25:29.049 go out now and do sort of jobs and stuff. 576 00:25:29.529 --> 00:25:31.049 So I've been. 577 00:25:30.930 --> 00:25:36.059 Left at home with the devil child. I mean, I 578 00:25:36.119 --> 00:25:40.349 do love her very much, but it's just becoming... because 579 00:25:40.390 --> 00:25:42.670 she just doesn't understand why she can't go to the 580 00:25:42.809 --> 00:25:46.609 park or why she can't go see Nanny. She's so 581 00:25:46.710 --> 00:25:48.710 sick of FaceTiming relatives. 582 00:25:49.509 --> 00:25:49.950 Oh, yeah. 583 00:25:50.109 --> 00:25:53.119 It's just, and I'm just putting Bing on, and it's 584 00:25:53.160 --> 00:25:57.579 just on a constant, like a 24-hour repeat of Bing episodes. 585 00:25:57.920 --> 00:25:59.859 My daughter, who's two and a half, she's got no 586 00:25:59.920 --> 00:26:03.480 interest in FaceTime. So it just gets offensive to the 587 00:26:03.539 --> 00:26:04.859 relatives very quickly. 588 00:26:05.259 --> 00:26:07.220 It's so awkward. They go, do you want to speak 589 00:26:07.240 --> 00:26:07.680 to Nanny? 590 00:26:07.759 --> 00:26:08.829 No, no. 591 00:26:09.819 --> 00:26:13.000 I want Paw Patrol. But nanny's here. No, Paw Patrol. 592 00:26:13.039 --> 00:26:16.980 Your nan, no. Which one? And then they go, which one? 593 00:26:17.420 --> 00:26:18.880 And you go, oh, Danny Sue. 594 00:26:19.059 --> 00:26:19.380 Nah. 595 00:26:19.640 --> 00:26:19.799 What? 596 00:26:19.900 --> 00:26:23.400 That's it, that matters. Don't do that. Don't ask which 597 00:26:23.519 --> 00:26:25.559 one and then say no. That's it, that matters. 598 00:26:26.039 --> 00:26:26.940 It's so true. 599 00:26:27.420 --> 00:26:29.920 And are you pregnant with your second as well, Daisy? 600 00:26:30.400 --> 00:26:32.680 I'm pregnant with my second as well. So, I mean, 601 00:26:32.700 --> 00:26:34.779 I haven't even thought about the second one. 602 00:26:34.859 --> 00:26:36.779 So how pregnant are you at the moment? 603 00:26:37.500 --> 00:26:41.839 I'm over, just over halfway. So, oh, my God, I 604 00:26:41.859 --> 00:26:46.500 just want to drink. I want to drink so much. 605 00:26:46.579 --> 00:26:47.400 I can't. 606 00:26:48.039 --> 00:26:49.599 I was Googling how many. 607 00:26:49.700 --> 00:26:52.829 I mean, could I have three drinks if being pregnant? 608 00:26:52.869 --> 00:26:54.089 I thought, oh, no, I can't. 609 00:26:54.170 --> 00:26:57.730 I really can't. Your Google history is unbelievable at the moment, 610 00:26:57.789 --> 00:27:01.109 isn't it? Can a child be reincarnated from World War II? 611 00:27:01.230 --> 00:27:02.670 And can I drink when I'm pregnant? 612 00:27:02.789 --> 00:27:10.180 LAUGHTER The penultimate track on this volume is the absolute 613 00:27:10.240 --> 00:27:13.720 banger that is Milk Tray Moment by Shappi Kassandi. 614 00:27:16.150 --> 00:27:18.390 We had this incident that we still talk about, the 615 00:27:18.410 --> 00:27:19.049 kids and I. 616 00:27:19.349 --> 00:27:23.269 The first few days of lockdown was the Milk Tray incident. 617 00:27:23.750 --> 00:27:24.690 Oh, wow. 618 00:27:25.049 --> 00:27:27.130 What happened in the Milk Tray incident then? 619 00:27:27.170 --> 00:27:29.930 Well, I was trying to make life golden and happy 620 00:27:30.009 --> 00:27:32.190 for my children still, because that's what you do as 621 00:27:32.250 --> 00:27:32.829 a parent, right? 622 00:27:32.849 --> 00:27:35.769 You just try and make everything magical. And then the 623 00:27:36.049 --> 00:27:36.910 first few days of. 624 00:27:36.890 --> 00:27:41.089 Lockdown, I just, well, we started cooking and eating together, 625 00:27:41.109 --> 00:27:41.789 all stuff that I. 626 00:27:41.759 --> 00:27:44.579 Don't really do because I'm always out of work. 627 00:27:45.299 --> 00:27:48.059 And I got this box of milk tray. 628 00:27:48.680 --> 00:27:51.900 And this milk tray box meant a lot to me. 629 00:27:51.799 --> 00:27:54.349 Because I went to the co-op to buy it when, 630 00:27:54.710 --> 00:27:56.450 you know, where you felt like you were putting your 631 00:27:56.490 --> 00:27:58.990 life in danger just stepping into a supermarket. 632 00:27:59.009 --> 00:27:59.109 Yeah. 633

00:28:00.059 --> 00:28:02.259 And I bought it and I left it for a 634 00:28:02.299 --> 00:28:05.339 couple of hours. So I don't know, the germs ran 635 00:28:05.420 --> 00:28:13.859 off or whatever. So it stopped being a box of death. 636 00:28:14.839 --> 00:28:16.680 And then my son went to open it and him 637 00:28:16.920 --> 00:28:19.349 and my daughter were squabbling over how to open it. 638 00:28:20.089 --> 00:28:22.609 And my son's like, he's really clever. 639 00:28:22.630 --> 00:28:22.710 Yeah. 640 00:28:23.569 --> 00:28:26.220 And he's normally really careful with things, but he just 641 00:28:26.359 --> 00:28:28.500 ripped the top of the box off so you couldn't 642 00:28:28.619 --> 00:28:29.559 close the box again. 643 00:28:29.599 --> 00:28:32.240 He just ripped it open. Next thing I knew, it. 644 00:28:32.740 --> 00:28:35.509 Was in the bin. Like I put it in the bin. 645 00:28:36.700 --> 00:28:40.420 I just went, right, you're not having it. You don't deserve, 646 00:28:40.480 --> 00:28:42.900 you kids have had everything given to you on a plate. 647 00:28:43.099 --> 00:28:45.200 I never had milk tray when I was a kid. 648 00:28:45.680 --> 00:28:47.640 My parents had nothing. 649 00:28:48.079 --> 00:28:50.279 We didn't have swimming lessons. 650 00:28:51.660 --> 00:28:56.710 And all of this shit came out of like screaming 651 00:28:56.750 --> 00:28:58.609 at my kids at how privileged they are. 652 00:28:59.259 --> 00:29:01.319 And how lucky they are to have a box of chocolates. 653 00:29:01.380 --> 00:29:04.720 You know, we had one chocolate once a year. I was, 654 00:29:05.480 --> 00:29:09.200 I was not Willy Wonka, Charlie. I was like Charlie 655 00:29:09.240 --> 00:29:13.650 from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Just hellish, hellish. It 656 00:29:13.690 --> 00:29:14.190 was awful. 657 00:29:14.210 --> 00:29:15.369 How many days in was this? 658 00:29:16.029 --> 00:29:22.619 I think it was day two. LAUGHTER How did they react? 659 00:29:22.720 --> 00:29:25.240 I mean, they realized they were dealing with a mad woman. 660 00:29:25.559 --> 00:29:29.460 Like they understood that this wasn't normal. And my son just, 661 00:29:29.839 --> 00:29:33.269 he's so polite and he's so calm. And he looked 662 00:29:33.309 --> 00:29:35.250 at me with like fire in his eyes. 663 00:29:35.930 --> 00:29:39.289 And he said, you are behaving really badly. 664 00:29:39.309 --> 00:29:39.890 Yeah. 665 00:29:43.740 --> 00:29:45.440 They went up to their rooms and then I had 666 00:29:45.480 --> 00:29:46.079 to call them. 667 00:29:46.019 --> 00:29:49.410 Down and I sat down and I said listen sometimes 668 00:29:49.470 --> 00:29:53.970 like thunderstorms happen in my head and I can't normally 669 00:29:54.029 --> 00:29:55.670 I'd go out the house or I'd go up to 670 00:29:55.730 --> 00:29:59.630 my room or whatever but there's I I behaved very badly. 671 00:29:59.789 --> 00:30:01.390 And of course I went out the next day and 672 00:30:01.410 --> 00:30:03.410 I bought another box of milk tray that we all 673 00:30:03.509 --> 00:30:04.329 quietly ate. 674 00:30:04.430 --> 00:30:10.750 None of us enjoying it. And it's just sort. 675 00:30:11.160 --> 00:30:14.059 Of, yeah, the milk tray incident was bad. And that's 676 00:30:14.079 --> 00:30:17.180 when I thought, right, I need to meditate. I need to, 677 00:30:17.500 --> 00:30:20.579 you know, look after my head. 678 00:30:23.569 --> 00:30:27.000 And finally. Playing us out this episode is Alex Brooker 679 00:30:27.400 --> 00:30:30.279 with the pros and cons of parenting with a disability. 680 00:30:31.720 --> 00:30:34.640 Today, it's been a big parenting day for me this morning. 681 00:30:35.559 --> 00:30:37.779 She's noticed my hand for the first time. It's the 682 00:30:37.819 --> 00:30:40.799 first ever time my eldest has opened it today. And 683 00:30:40.859 --> 00:30:44.000 she was kind of like, she was going, Daddy, you've 684 00:30:44.039 --> 00:30:47.440 only got two fingers. And I really want, like, technically 685 00:30:47.480 --> 00:30:49.269 it's three, but two are stuck together, but it's fine 686 00:30:49.309 --> 00:30:52.680 if you want to call it two. LAUGHTER But it's 687 00:30:52.700 --> 00:30:55.880 the first time, and, like, it's one of those things where, 688 00:30:55.900 --> 00:30:59.400 you know, like, obviously for me, when I first went to, like, 689 00:30:59.440 --> 00:31:00.819 started thinking about having kids. 690 00:31:01.420 --> 00:31:02.789 It was, like, a really big thing. It was, like, 691 00:31:02.809 --> 00:31:04.150 I wonder how they're going to find it. 692 00:31:04.509 --> 00:31:05.289 She didn't give a shit. 693 00:31:05.390 --> 00:31:06.049 It was, like. 694 00:31:06.130 --> 00:31:08.950 Yeah. Obviously, the youngest was the one that weren't having 695 00:31:08.990 --> 00:31:11.029 it because she let go of me and then ended 696 00:31:11.089 --> 00:31:14.920 up Facebooking me. And I feel like the eldest has 697 00:31:14.980 --> 00:31:17.960 seen that and thought, Yeah, it's not an ideal hand 698 00:31:18.000 --> 00:31:23.599 to hold, but it's better than nothing. I remember we first, 699 00:31:24.329 --> 00:31:26.329 when Mia was like a day old, I kind of 700 00:31:26.930 --> 00:31:29.730 went and met one of my mates at the pub 701 00:31:30.210 --> 00:31:34.150 quickly at lunchtime. And I was like, how are you 702 00:31:34.170 --> 00:31:35.869 finding it? And I was like, mate, I just keep 703 00:31:35.890 --> 00:31:37.869 thinking I'm going to drop it. And he was like, well, 704 00:31:37.890 --> 00:31:39.789 everyone thinks that, doesn't they? What's the worst that can 705 00:31:39.829 --> 00:31:41.900 happen as soon as you have a new kid is 706 00:31:41.920 --> 00:31:42.640 you drop it. 707 00:31:42.960 --> 00:31:44.400 And that's like literally. 708 00:31:43.960 --> 00:31:47.160 Everyone kind of worries about whether you've got big like 709 00:31:47.180 --> 00:31:49.240 i'm sure david seaman

worried about it do you know 710 00:31:49.259 --> 00:31:51.180 what i mean it's like he was worried about. 711 00:31:51.079 --> 00:31:53.339 Being lobbed he was worried about the baby going over 712 00:31:53.359 --> 00:31:53.960 his head. 713 00:31:55.720 --> 00:31:57.910 I used to have that really weird nightmares i was 714 00:31:58.029 --> 00:32:00.730 holding the baby and then rolled over it while i 715 00:32:00.750 --> 00:32:02.769 was asleep and slept on top of it and then 716 00:32:02.910 --> 00:32:04.730 i'd wake up in the night and the baby's in 717 00:32:04.750 --> 00:32:06.369 the cot and i was nowhere near it but these 718 00:32:06.730 --> 00:32:08.630 mad dreams everyone feels the same. 719 00:32:08.549 --> 00:32:10.359 They do and like i was do you know what 720 00:32:10.380 --> 00:32:12.869 it was As I said, the eldest, I feel like 721 00:32:12.910 --> 00:32:16.049 we're really making progress at the moment. She's got over 722 00:32:16.069 --> 00:32:19.430 the hand thing very quickly. I was surprised that was absolutely, 723 00:32:19.450 --> 00:32:21.599 you know, 20 years of my life worrying about nothing. 724 00:32:21.799 --> 00:32:27.319 But then, do you know what? As I said, it's 725 00:32:27.359 --> 00:32:30.359 quite a big thing for me today, that. It's one 726 00:32:30.420 --> 00:32:33.490 of those things that, well, I'll probably think about it. 727 00:32:33.930 --> 00:32:36.490 a bit more like later on. But yeah, it was like, 728 00:32:36.829 --> 00:32:40.539 I was genuinely up until today, like really properly worried. 729 00:32:40.559 --> 00:32:43.519 And also I have thought to myself more recently, it's like, 730 00:32:43.539 --> 00:32:44.660 you're nearly three and a half. 731 00:32:45.119 --> 00:32:46.019 You should have noticed. 732 00:32:46.039 --> 00:32:46.960 You can count now. 733 00:32:47.019 --> 00:32:47.680 We've done a lot. 734 00:32:47.720 --> 00:32:51.039 How many times have I sat you in front of 735 00:32:51.079 --> 00:32:53.339 the iPad and just put like the count in YouTube 736 00:32:53.359 --> 00:32:53.900 video on? 737 00:32:54.180 --> 00:32:55.180 Does she notice the lag? 738 00:32:55.529 --> 00:32:57.009 Oh mate, they love the legs. 739 00:32:57.950 --> 00:33:00.750 Three different ones, haven't I? So today I had my 740 00:33:00.769 --> 00:33:02.000 blue waterproof on. 741 00:33:02.920 --> 00:33:05.180 I was going to say that. In a stream, there 742 00:33:05.200 --> 00:33:07.279 must be a rust risk. But if you've got a 743 00:33:07.279 --> 00:33:08.740 waterproof one. Do you know what? 744 00:33:08.799 --> 00:33:11.900 When I did that swim last year, they gave me 745 00:33:11.980 --> 00:33:13.519 one for getting in and out the water. So it's 746 00:33:13.559 --> 00:33:17.190 basically wood, which isn't the most flexible thing. But it 747 00:33:17.230 --> 00:33:18.670 is literally, for the first time, I've got like a 748 00:33:18.690 --> 00:33:19.210 wooden leg. 749 00:33:21.269 --> 00:33:23.609 So it's not like you imagine. It's not like a pirate. 750 00:33:23.630 --> 00:33:24.910 It does have like a foot on it. 751 00:33:26.529 --> 00:33:28.029 They got you a parrot as well, which is a 752 00:33:28.049 --> 00:33:31.269 bit insensitive. 753 00:33:31.289 --> 00:33:32.349 You were on the feet. 754 00:33:32.839 --> 00:33:36.640 Yeah, she's obsessed because it's, like, really colourful and blue 755 00:33:36.680 --> 00:33:39.279 and that, and she just, like, calls it Daddy's Blue Leg. 756 00:33:39.720 --> 00:33:42.880 I've taught her now to put my leg on sometimes. 757 00:33:42.900 --> 00:33:45.279 When I'm, like, slobbed out on the couch and I've 758 00:33:45.299 --> 00:33:48.019 got my leg off, I've, like, started to teach them. 759 00:33:48.079 --> 00:33:50.160 It took me a little while with my eldest, but 760 00:33:50.660 --> 00:33:53.900 I've taught her to, like, what, like, different bits go together. 761 00:33:53.980 --> 00:33:56.380 To her, I think it's, like, a big bit of duplo. 762 00:33:56.420 --> 00:33:56.519 Yeah. 763 00:33:57.279 --> 00:33:57.539 Yeah. 764 00:33:58.660 --> 00:34:01.170 You are really like a big bit of Duplo. That's 765 00:34:01.250 --> 00:34:03.509 how I view you. 766 00:34:04.309 --> 00:34:05.690 Yeah, best for under fours. 767 00:34:08.170 --> 00:34:11.670 Alex, has your disability stopped you doing anything as a 768 00:34:11.690 --> 00:34:13.750 parent that you would have wanted to do? 769 00:34:13.889 --> 00:34:18.150 The one thing which I'm still always, in the grand 770 00:34:18.170 --> 00:34:20.909 scheme of things, this isn't a big thing, but the 771 00:34:21.010 --> 00:34:23.869 one thing I'm always slightly wary of is, you know 772 00:34:23.929 --> 00:34:26.650 when you have parents and they have their kids on 773 00:34:26.670 --> 00:34:32.329 their shoulders? or something like that. We're not delving into that. 774 00:34:32.449 --> 00:34:37.280 We've given it a little go on the sofa. And 775 00:34:37.320 --> 00:34:40.500 you just go, the juice isn't worth the squeeze. 776 00:34:40.159 --> 00:34:40.699 For either of you. 777 00:34:41.760 --> 00:34:45.840 I'll be honest, Alex, I've got all the necessary limbs 778 00:34:45.900 --> 00:34:48.360 to do that and it's still an absolute nightmare and 779 00:34:48.380 --> 00:34:51.900 they launch themselves off and I've lost both my kids 780 00:34:51.960 --> 00:34:55.539 to terrible shoulder accidents in the past, so it's probably 781 00:34:55.559 --> 00:34:56.039 best left. 782 00:34:56.780 --> 00:34:58.219 We gave it a little go and I just said 783 00:34:58.239 --> 00:35:00.679 to her, just make sure you hold on to daddy's 784 00:35:00.739 --> 00:35:03.300 neck and I don't think she quite realises how important 785 00:35:03.320 --> 00:35:05.380 that bit of it is because I'm not really holding 786 00:35:05.440 --> 00:35:09.320 on to her. She's carrying everything for us and straight 787 00:35:09.940 --> 00:35:12.289 away we did it on the sofa. He just fell 788

00:35:12.329 --> 00:35:14.210 backwards on the sofa. I was like, do you know what? Well, 789 00:35:14.670 --> 00:35:17.460 why don't we just walk away? Let's give it something else. 790 00:35:18.039 --> 00:35:20.719 But do you know what? That's pretty much, if I'm 791 00:35:20.960 --> 00:35:24.699 being honest, the only thing that I've not really done. 792 00:35:24.719 --> 00:35:28.550 On the flip side, Alex, has your disability enabled you 793 00:35:28.570 --> 00:35:30.409 to get out of doing other things that is a 794 00:35:30.409 --> 00:35:32.809 bit of a relief? Do you ever play it up 795 00:35:32.869 --> 00:35:35.789 so you go, actually, I don't think I can do this. 796 00:35:35.710 --> 00:35:36.590 Because, you know, the old. 797 00:35:37.090 --> 00:35:39.619 Hand and leg situations probably best you do it have 798 00:35:39.639 --> 00:35:40.320 you ever. 799 00:35:40.199 --> 00:35:43.460 Got out of anything with that honestly if you ask 800 00:35:43.480 --> 00:35:47.420 my wife it is literally every single week i'll use 801 00:35:47.480 --> 00:35:51.599 it like my leg takes i reckon about three seconds 802 00:35:51.659 --> 00:35:54.440 to put on and the amount of times when like 803 00:35:54.480 --> 00:35:56.980 something will be happening i'll be like yeah but i 804 00:35:56.980 --> 00:35:58.519 ain't got my leg on have i as if. 805 00:35:58.500 --> 00:36:00.800 It's like like and it's just. 806 00:36:04.300 --> 00:36:06.559 That's like the ultimate excuse and she'll be like, well, yeah, 807 00:36:06.579 --> 00:36:07.969 but you can go and put it on, can't you? 808 00:36:08.000 --> 00:36:11.099 And it's like, well, yeah, but you're up and yeah, 809 00:36:11.300 --> 00:36:12.460 so you've got both your legs on. 810 00:36:19.380 --> 00:36:21.960 Thanks for listening. We'll see you again soon. For now, 811 00:36:22.000 --> 00:36:26.099 that's what I call Parenting Hell, Volume 2. 812 00:36:29.369 --> 00:36:30.550 Hello, Tom Allen here. 813 00:36:30.840 --> 00:36:31.820 And Susie Ruffle. 814 00:36:32.099 --> 00:36:35.079 We have a podcast called Like-Minded Friends. It's very much 815 00:36:35.119 --> 00:36:37.420 a celebration of, I don't know, what would you say, Suze, 816 00:36:37.440 --> 00:36:38.039 being queer? 817 00:36:38.239 --> 00:36:39.340 Being queer, but also chit-chat. 818 00:36:39.360 --> 00:36:41.179 There's loads of straight people that love it, so I 819 00:36:41.199 --> 00:36:42.460 think that you should come along and listen to it. 820 00:36:42.619 --> 00:36:45.260 There's something for everybody. It's been described as white noise 821 00:36:45.280 --> 00:36:47.860 for gays, but also we had a lovely section about 822 00:36:47.909 --> 00:36:48.619 Glade plug-ins. 823 00:36:50.369 --> 00:36:52.690 So why don't you listen to it? Search Like-Minded Friends 824 00:36:52.730 --> 00:36:55.690 wherever you get your podcasts. That sounded quite professional, didn't it? 825 00:36:55.969 --> 00:36:56.039 Mm. 826 00:36:59.610 --> 00:37:00.679 Hello, I'm Tom Crane. 827 00:37:00.860 --> 00:37:03.159 And I'm Simran Shah. And we're the hosts of the 828 00:37:03.239 --> 00:37:06.820 new food and comedy podcast, My Favourite Takeaway, where each 829 00:37:06.860 --> 00:37:09.280 week we're invited into the home of a celebrity guest 830 00:37:09.500 --> 00:37:12.840 to share their favourite takeaway exactly as they'd normally have it. 831 00:37:12.960 --> 00:37:15.780 We'll be trying it all from Peruvian street food slouched 832 00:37:15.820 --> 00:37:17.440 on James Acaster's L-shaped sofa. 833 00:37:17.579 --> 00:37:20.559 To an Antiguan feast huddled around Andy Oliver's dinner table. 834 00:37:20.820 --> 00:37:23.699 Via an alfresco Indian takeaway sat in Tom Allen's garden. 835 00:37:23.840 --> 00:37:25.059 And we also want to hear from. 836 00:37:24.969 --> 00:37:25.530 You, the listener. 837 00:37:25.730 --> 00:37:27.150 Your takeaway disasters. 838 00:37:27.329 --> 00:37:28.230 Your weird habits. 839 00:37:28.489 --> 00:37:32.510 And your personal takeaway recommendations. You can follow us on Insta, 840 00:37:32.849 --> 00:37:34.230 My Favourite Takeaway Podcast. 841 00:37:34.449 --> 00:37:36.150 On Twitter, at favetakeawaypod. 842 00:37:36.329 --> 00:37:40.320 Or you can email us, hello, at myfavouritetakewaypodcast.com. And don't 843 00:37:40.360 --> 00:37:42.320 forget to subscribe, like and share. 844 00:37:42.559 --> 00:37:45.500 My Favourite Takeaway, the podcast for anyone who loves food 845 00:37:45.579 --> 00:37:46.739 but can't always be bothered. 846 00:37:46.559 --> 00:37:46.869 To cook it. 847 00:37:47.119 --> 00:37:49.380 Available on all podcast platforms now. 848 00:37:53.639 --> 00:37:55.940 Hello, I'm John Richardson and I'm here to tell you 849 00:37:55.980 --> 00:37:59.260 about the Comedians Playing Fantasy Premier League podcast. 850 00:37:59.559 --> 00:38:01.420 I'm Matt Ford and I'm here to tell you that 851 00:38:01.480 --> 00:38:04.539 although our podcast is about Fantasy Premier League, it's not 852 00:38:04.579 --> 00:38:06.380 just for saddos, losers and virgins. 853 00:38:06.599 --> 00:38:09.369 Yeah, it's for cool people like us and you. You're 854 00:38:09.389 --> 00:38:11.110 listening to this, so you must be cool. 855 00:38:11.570 --> 00:38:13.449 Each week we follow the highs and lows of the 856 00:38:13.489 --> 00:38:16.409 fantasy football teams of some of the country's funniest people. 857 00:38:16.789 --> 00:38:18.590 The great thing is, you don't really need to be 858 00:38:18.610 --> 00:38:21.179 into Fantasy Premier League or even football to enjoy it. 859 00:38:21.469 --> 00:38:24.130 That's because each week Matt and I compete with each other, 860 00:38:24.250 --> 00:38:27.050 the lowest scorer in FPL having to do a humiliating 861 00:38:27.110 --> 00:38:30.530 forfeit each week. Spoiler alert, every week so far, it's 862 00:38:30.570 --> 00:38:31.170 been Matthew. 863 00:38:31.190 --> 00:38:33.329 I'll be honest, it's not the start I'd hoped for. 864 00:38:33.510 --> 00:38:35.949 Already I've had to do a humiliating chilli challenge and 865 00:38:35.989 --> 00:38:37.510 try to have a pint with a duck, but it 866 00:38:37.610 --> 00:38:38.139 swam off. 867 00:38:38.760 --> 00:38:41.199 Even ducks don't want to be near Matt Ford. Over 868 00:38:41.219 --> 00:38:43.139 the course of the season, we'll be joined by comedians 869 00:38:43.159 --> 00:38:46.730 such as Russell Howard, Romesh Ranganathan, Maisie Adam, Josh Widdicombe, 870 00:38:46.789 --> 00:38:49.969 Jason Manford, Emily Dean, Rob Beckett and Ian Sterling. 871 00:38:50.190 --> 00:38:50.929 So don't delay. 872 00:38:51.050 --> 00:38:53.570 Pick up your phone and subscribe to the Comedians Playing 873 00:38:53.630 --> 00:38:57.019 Fantasy Premier League podcast now. New episodes are released every 874 00:38:57.059 --> 00:38:58.579 Wednesday until the end of the season. 875 00:39:02.480 --> 00:39:03.739 Hello, I'm Sean Walsh. 876 00:39:03.900 --> 00:39:04.880 And I'm Paul McCaffrey. 877 00:39:05.039 --> 00:39:07.380 And we're here to tell you that our podcast, What's 878 00:39:07.440 --> 00:39:10.119 Upset You Now, is back for a brand new series. 879 00:39:10.199 --> 00:39:11.179 Now, I know what you're thinking. 880 00:39:11.420 --> 00:39:14.429 Do I have time in my life for another comedian-hosted 881 00:39:14.469 --> 00:39:16.210 podcast with my busy schedule? 882 00:39:16.250 --> 00:39:18.010 Well, in most cases, no. 883 00:39:18.210 --> 00:39:19.989 But here's why What's Upset You Now is different. 884 00:39:20.309 --> 00:39:23.690 Each week, we ask ourselves and a guest, what's upset 885 00:39:23.710 --> 00:39:26.889 you now? And we spend exactly 15 minutes discussing and 886 00:39:26.949 --> 00:39:29.809 ranting about the frustrations and idiocies of everyday life. 887 00:39:30.400 --> 00:39:34.000 Anything from a bus driver wanting the exact change. 888 00:39:34.079 --> 00:39:36.039 To those people doing yoga in the park. 889 00:39:36.280 --> 00:39:38.880 And quite often, just simply each other. 890 00:39:39.099 --> 00:39:41.980 Yeah, it's basically anything and everyone. 891 00:39:42.380 --> 00:39:44.659 It's the podcast equivalent of being in the pub with 892 00:39:44.679 --> 00:39:46.869 your two funny mates, putting the world to rights. 893 00:39:47.130 --> 00:39:49.610 Yeah, at 2am, so do expect shouting. 894 00:39:49.849 --> 00:39:54.230 Listen to What's Upset You Now, available on all podcast platforms.