תעתיק 🔗
WEBVTT
1
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.000
Foreign.
2
00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:19.000
This is high Function revealed. People see what I get done. What I want to talk about is how I got this way, what I learned growing up, what it takes to keep going, and what I'm starting to notice about the things I do over and over again.
3
00:00:19.000 --> 00:00:28.000
Some of those patterns have served me well, some I'm still working through, and I'm curious whether you see them in your life too.
4
00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:40.000
Season 1 what yout Don't See Episode 4 Raised by Chaos Chasing Perfect Content Note this episode discusses childhood trauma.
5
00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:48.000
On one of the most traumatic days of my life, I went back to history class and earned a grade of 100 plus the bonus.
6
00:00:48.000 --> 00:00:59.000
I was a teenager already capable of functioning through trauma so well that the grade could tell you one story and the rest of my day could tell you another.
7
00:00:59.000 --> 00:01:02.000
Maybe you know that particular contradiction.
8
00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:07.000
Something happens that you can barely put into words and somehow you still deliver.
9
00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:10.000
You know the answers, you do the work.
10
00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:14.000
Looking at the result, even you have to wonder how you pulled it off.
11
00:01:14.000 --> 00:01:20.000
That grade stayed with me. What it reveals has changed.
12
00:01:20.000 --> 00:01:27.000
Now I can see how young I was when I learned to put one experience aside and give another part of my life my full attention.
13
00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:31.000
I can also see how much I wanted that attention to lead somewhere.
14
00:01:31.000 --> 00:01:37.000
I was raised by chaos. Chasing perfect and looking for a way out.
15
00:01:37.000 --> 00:01:46.000
School mattered in all three I had to test to get into both middle school and my high school.
16
00:01:46.000 --> 00:01:49.000
I was afraid to attend the local schools.
17
00:01:49.000 --> 00:01:53.000
One thing I always knew I was getting out.
18
00:01:53.000 --> 00:02:02.000
Even with everything happening around me, I could look ahead, find something I was good at, use it to reach a place I wanted to be.
19
00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:06.000
That belongs in the conversation about compartmentalization, too.
20
00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:15.000
I could still think about a future while managing the present academic ability gave me options and I wanted to use them.
21
00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:19.000
Maybe achievement meant something like that to you.
22
00:02:19.000 --> 00:02:45.000
The result mattered because of where it could take you. You were working toward a possibility while still living inside the circumstances you wanted to leave for high school. That brought me to Norman Thomas on 33rd street and Park Avenue in the city, aka Manhattan. For anybody who's not from New York, high rises, an absurd amount of taxis, Grand Central Station, the train, the sheer pace of it all.
23
00:02:45.000 --> 00:02:50.000
I'm pretty sure that energy fueled my curiosity.
24
00:02:50.000 --> 00:03:00.000
Not exactly a low stimulation environment, and I wanted to be a part of it. By then I had already attended five elementary schools.
25
00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:02.000
Five.
26
00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:19.000
Making friends came easily. I had plenty of practice being new at Norman Thomas. My friends came from all over the city and all kinds of backgrounds. I I was a rock girl with my rock Friends. And some of those people are still close to me today.
27
00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:22.000
What mattered was the consistency.
28
00:03:22.000 --> 00:03:26.000
Those friendships gave me, the kind of family stability I needed.
29
00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:38.000
Even now, I can almost transport myself into those hallways. The people, the music, the shows I did there. Certain experiences come back with their feelings still attached.
30
00:03:38.000 --> 00:03:44.000
The whole period is extraordinarily vivid to me.
31
00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:47.000
And I remember a girl with a lot going on for her.
32
00:03:47.000 --> 00:03:55.000
Bright, popular, the do gooder. I cared about my grades and I enjoyed my life at school.
33
00:03:55.000 --> 00:04:02.000
Yes, I wore a lot of black. That wasn't a complete psychological assessment. I did wear pink Converse.
34
00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:10.000
I don't think I came across as a depressed kid. If you knew me then, this good times you remember were real.
35
00:04:10.000 --> 00:04:14.000
So were the experiences you might never have imagined.
36
00:04:14.000 --> 00:04:19.000
Maybe someone remembers a period of your life fondly and you do too.
37
00:04:19.000 --> 00:04:24.000
Except your memory includes something they knew nothing about.
38
00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:25.000
Same years.
39
00:04:25.000 --> 00:04:37.000
More than one truth that was my teenage life. Belonging, ambition, pleasure. And experiences that didn't necessarily show in my performance.
40
00:04:37.000 --> 00:04:42.000
Getting into those schools had already shown me that ability could help me move forward.
41
00:04:42.000 --> 00:04:48.000
Once I had some stability, there was room to keep achieving.
42
00:04:48.000 --> 00:04:56.000
Learn the material, know the answer, earn the grade. An outcome I could influence. A little control.
43
00:04:56.000 --> 00:05:03.000
And then one day the principal asked to see me. There were authorities there who wanted to hear my story.
44
00:05:03.000 --> 00:05:09.000
After that conversation, I took the escalator back up to history class.
45
00:05:09.000 --> 00:05:16.000
That was the day I earned the hundred plus the bonus.
46
00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:25.000
Stay with that return to class. For a moment I had just been talking about something deeply traumatic.
47
00:05:25.000 --> 00:05:32.000
Yet I could concentrate, recall what I knew and perform at that level.
48
00:05:32.000 --> 00:05:39.000
By that age, my ability to
Load full transcript
compartmentalize was already remarkable.
49
00:05:39.000 --> 00:05:42.000
Back then, I was a girl doing it.
50
00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:46.000
Today I'm the woman recognizing what it took.
51
00:05:46.000 --> 00:05:50.000
When the authorities wanted to hear my story, I felt heard.
52
00:05:50.000 --> 00:05:52.000
Until I didn't.
53
00:05:52.000 --> 00:06:10.000
Again speaking to courage. Then came the pressure I felt to retract, to restore some version of normal so everyone else could be okay and I could still reach that part of myself that knew the history.
54
00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:17.000
I feel blessed that I could do that. Whatever made it possible to keep going, I'm grateful I had it.
55
00:06:17.000 --> 00:06:23.000
Looking back, I feel pride alongside questions I couldn't have asked then.
56
00:06:23.000 --> 00:06:27.000
How did I learn to move between those experiences so young?
57
00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:30.000
How much of the woman I am now was already there.
58
00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:35.000
Taking that escalator back to class.
59
00:06:35.000 --> 00:06:42.000
Think about a day when you surprised yourself with what you managed to accomplish. What else was happening?
60
00:06:42.000 --> 00:06:49.000
Sometimes we remember the results so clearly that we barely stop to consider the circumstances.
61
00:06:49.000 --> 00:06:57.000
That same ability extended beyond the classroom as a Teenager. I was working with a doctor on the weekends and earning my own money.
62
00:06:57.000 --> 00:07:07.000
Independence was already taking shape. I'd used my ability to get into schools I wanted to attend. Now I was discovering what I could manage for myself.
63
00:07:07.000 --> 00:07:12.000
I left home the day I graduated high school.
64
00:07:12.000 --> 00:07:15.000
By then, I'd been moving toward that decision for years.
65
00:07:15.000 --> 00:07:24.000
I could compartmentalize enough to concentrate on what was in front of me and still look ahead to what I wanted next.
66
00:07:24.000 --> 00:07:29.000
That's what stands out to me now. My ambition was alive in all of it.
67
00:07:29.000 --> 00:07:32.000
Maybe you recognized that in your own life.
68
00:07:32.000 --> 00:07:39.000
What were you already building before anyone else understood where you were headed?
69
00:07:39.000 --> 00:07:46.000
When I trace that resourcefulness further back, I reach a much earlier childhood memory.
70
00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:56.000
I used to grab myself in the dark and say, you are alive. You are alive.
71
00:07:56.000 --> 00:08:01.000
I understand now that I dissociated as a younger child.
72
00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:05.000
That's the language I have today.
73
00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:14.000
Back then, I had those words and the act of holding on to myself. You are alive.
74
00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:23.000
When I look at that little girl, I understand how strong I am.
75
00:08:23.000 --> 00:08:30.000
She was already finding a way to reach herself.
76
00:08:30.000 --> 00:08:33.000
I want to give her credit for that.
77
00:08:33.000 --> 00:08:38.000
I can't explain every connection between her and the teenager in history class.
78
00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:48.000
I can recognize something persistent in both the ability to find a way through, to keep some part of life moving.
79
00:08:48.000 --> 00:08:51.000
The word that comes to me is pivot.
80
00:08:51.000 --> 00:09:00.000
She could pivot, land, make an entrance, make an exit. There was a grace in how she adjusted and found her footing again.
81
00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:08.000
By high school, some of that grace had gone into managing the atmosphere within my family.
82
00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:10.000
That's delicate for me to say.
83
00:09:10.000 --> 00:09:12.000
I love my family.
84
00:09:12.000 --> 00:09:26.000
I always remember feeling responsible for making things feel normal. After I'd spoken about something that mattered to me, I was living the experience and helping other people manage. Hearing about it.
85
00:09:26.000 --> 00:09:40.000
Consider how much attention that takes. Your own feelings are there, and you're also thinking about the room, how everyone is reacting, how to make the next moment easier.
86
00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:54.000
Maybe you finally said something difficult only to find yourself guiding the other person through the conversation, choosing your words carefully, trying to be understood while helping them feel comfortable.
87
00:09:54.000 --> 00:09:59.000
Where does what you needed to say go in all of that?
88
00:09:59.000 --> 00:10:03.000
At school, getting something right had a more straightforward result.
89
00:10:03.000 --> 00:10:10.000
Effort could earn recognition. Doing well could bring attention and a feeling of being loved.
90
00:10:10.000 --> 00:10:17.000
It had also opened doors. I had tested into schools I wanted to attend.
91
00:10:17.000 --> 00:10:23.000
I was earning money. My ability had practical value in a life I was beginning to build.
92
00:10:23.000 --> 00:10:27.000
And I liked being good at things.
93
00:10:27.000 --> 00:10:38.000
I still do that. Pleasure deserves its place in this story. So do curiosity, talent, ambition and the people I loved being around.
94
00:10:38.000 --> 00:10:44.000
There was a whole person there with more going on than any single explanation could hold.
95
00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:50.000
But I can see why achievement became something I reached for when other parts of life felt beyond my control.
96
00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:56.000
As a result, offered something solid evidence that my effort could change an outcome.
97
00:10:56.000 --> 00:11:02.000
What I want to understand is where wanting to do well became needing to get everything right.
98
00:11:02.000 --> 00:11:05.000
I knew achievement could move me forward.
99
00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:10.000
How much did I come to depend on that feeling?
100
00:11:10.000 --> 00:11:14.000
That question reaches directly into my life today.
101
00:11:14.000 --> 00:11:19.000
I
build businesses, hold several titles, take on a lot.
102
00:11:19.000 --> 00:11:27.000
There is real satisfaction in turning an idea into something that exists and recognizing what needs to happen next.
103
00:11:27.000 --> 00:11:33.000
I can see the beginnings of that ability in the teenager I've been describing.
104
00:11:33.000 --> 00:11:42.000
She could concentrate, adapt and pursue an opportunity while managing circumstances other people couldn't see.
105
00:11:42.000 --> 00:11:44.000
I'm proud of her.
106
00:11:44.000 --> 00:11:49.000
I'm also interested in what happens after capability becomes familiar.
107
00:11:49.000 --> 00:11:55.000
Once I know I can function through something difficult, do I begin to expect it of myself every time?
108
00:11:55.000 --> 00:11:58.000
Do you?
109
00:11:58.000 --> 00:12:08.000
If you've pulled something off on one of the hardest days of your life, what exactly do you expect of yourself on an ordinary Tuesday?
110
00:12:08.000 --> 00:12:11.000
That's where chasing perfect gets complicated.
111
00:12:11.000 --> 00:12:21.000
There's always another improvement available, another detail to refine, another result within reach.
112
00:12:21.000 --> 00:12:23.000
And I know how to keep going.
113
00:12:23.000 --> 00:12:28.000
The question is what I'm expecting the next achievement to give me.
114
00:12:28.000 --> 00:12:44.000
Sometimes I simply love the work I wanted to see how good it can be. Other times I want control, recognition, or the satisfaction of having one part of my life turned out as intended.
115
00:12:44.000 --> 00:12:49.000
It helps to recognize which desire is doing the asking.
116
00:12:49.000 --> 00:12:58.000
Think about an ability you're proud of, something people rely on you for. You may have learned it so young that it barely registers as skill anymore.
117
00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:03.000
What did it make possible for you when you first needed it?
118
00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:10.000
I want to leave room for admiration in that answer. We spend plenty of time examining what's wrong with us.
119
00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:16.000
Sometimes I look back and think, look at what that girl figured out.
120
00:13:16.000 --> 00:13:21.000
Look at the possibilities she could still see.
121
00:13:21.000 --> 00:13:25.000
I still want that hundred, let's be honest.
122
00:13:25.000 --> 00:13:29.000
And apparently I'd like the bonus, too.
123
00:13:29.000 --> 00:13:34.000
Even my idea of easing up seems to involve full marks.
124
00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:37.000
But I want to understand the girl behind that result.
125
00:13:37.000 --> 00:13:44.000
What she enjoyed, what. What she was reaching for and what she could set aside long enough to keep moving.
126
00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:49.000
I can hold the weight of that day and my pride and her together.
127
00:13:49.000 --> 00:13:55.000
That applies to the younger girl in the dark, too, the one saying, you are alive.
128
00:13:55.000 --> 00:14:01.000
I recognize her resourcefulness now in ways I couldn't then.
129
00:14:01.000 --> 00:14:05.000
There were maybe 3,000 students in those hallways.
130
00:14:05.000 --> 00:14:13.000
I sometimes wonder how many other girls were functioning through the things the rest of us couldn't see.
131
00:14:13.000 --> 00:14:17.000
In my own life, I can trace how achievement became a way forward.
132
00:14:17.000 --> 00:14:34.000
Getting into those schools, earning my own money, finding places where my effort could change the outcome. I was learning that I could count on my ability. And somewhere in there, being good at things became tangled up with needing to get everything right.
133
00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:37.000
That's the thread I'm following.
134
00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:50.000
Raised by chaos, chasing perfect, becoming so good at functioning that I could keep moving toward a future while setting aside what was happening in the present.
135
00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:52.000
There's strength in that.
136
00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:54.000
There's ambition.
137
00:14:54.000 --> 00:15:01.000
There's also the question of how much control I expected perfection to give me.
138
00:15:01.000 --> 00:15:12.000
Maybe you recognize that expectation in yourself. You know you're capable. You've proved it. But does every difficult day have to become another demonstration?
139
00:15:12.000 --> 00:15:15.000
I'm proud of that girl's hundred.
140
00:15:15.000 --> 00:15:18.000
I'm proud of the life she was finding her way toward.
141
00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:24.000
I can trust her ability without asking her to be perfect.
142
00:15:24.000 --> 00:15:36.000
Next time, I want to follow another part of this pattern. When you become good at making things work, people come to rely on you. You and being needed can get tangled up with wanting to be loved.
143
00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:40.000
That's where we'll go next.
144
00:15:40.000 --> 00:15:59.000
Thanks for spending this time with me. If you recognize something from your own life today, I'd love for you to tell me that story. I'll talk to you next time.