התמלול המלא של 39 - Stability Over Performance With Special Guest Ric Taylor

wardrobe planning. 00:04:35.750 --> 00:04:41.509 That would be that would be some some some some big detail for for the dads listening here. 00:04:41.750 --> 00:04:57.750 These those are the guys that have really built the foundation and structure for for moving forward, which leads us into what we're gonna talk about today, which is building a foundation versus putting on a show during during dating. 00:04:57.829 --> 00:05:11.189 And so dads listening, you guys, you know, kind of you get when you get divorced, the first when you get divorced, and one of the initial thoughts you have is oh crap, like I'm in the dating world now, right? 00:05:11.269 --> 00:05:14.709 So there's this moment, there's this moment of panic, maybe. 00:05:14.870 --> 00:05:27.109 And and and if any guy's gonna be honest, he's gonna he's gonna say, Yeah, I was like, something like holy shit, or what the heck, or how am I gonna do this, or like some kind of like reckoning. 00:05:27.349 --> 00:05:40.469 And so what we what we're gonna what we're gonna dive into today is just kind of the thesis that there's all of this noise out there, there's game tactics, there's this, and there's that. 00:05:40.629 --> 00:05:47.589 And what we want to talk about is why stability is so much more important than performance. 00:05:47.829 --> 00:05:51.509 So, you know, let's just let's just start out with some comments. 00:05:51.589 --> 00:06:03.829 And and and and Dallas, if you'll just start us out with some comments around that and why that is really, really important, then let's just dive into that, starting out with the performance trap kind of idea. 00:06:04.149 --> 00:06:09.029 Well, if what you're focused on is your performance, you're kind of working from the outside in. 00:06:09.269 --> 00:06:10.870 Your what is my appearance? 00:06:11.029 --> 00:06:11.909 How funny am I? 00:06:11.990 --> 00:06:13.509 What are the reactions that I'm getting? 00:06:13.589 --> 00:06:15.669 And all this is a very external place. 00:06:16.069 --> 00:06:20.149 And you can't build from the outside in, you have to build from the inside out. 00:06:20.469 --> 00:06:33.589 When you start with a calm, cool, collected, grounded foundation, then your natural personality, your natural attractive qualities, your natural um charm and charisma should emanate out from that place. 00:06:33.669 --> 00:06:39.990 And your performance in that way becomes grounded, it becomes connected, and really, in a lot of ways, it becomes a lot more quiet. 00:06:40.229 --> 00:06:43.189 And women want to warm up slowly to a guy. 00:06:43.349 --> 00:06:50.629 They they don't want to, they don't want to like be jumping after, you know, some kind of touchdown dance with a man most of the time. 00:06:50.789 --> 00:06:51.990 That's not what they're looking for. 00:06:52.149 --> 00:06:56.709 They're looking for a man who has been winning it over and over again from his core. 00:06:57.109 --> 00:07:00.469 So that's that's the difference between grounded and performative, and from my take. 00:07:00.629 --> 00:07:02.389 But Rick, what do you what do you have to say, man? 00:07:02.469 --> 00:07:05.430 You're the guest, you're bringing a whole new voice to this table. 00:07:05.750 --> 00:07:06.789 This is a great topic. 00:07:06.949 --> 00:07:13.589 So, guys coming off a divorce have have built some structure, especially if they have kids, a lot of structure. 00:07:13.750 --> 00:07:23.430 Kids take a lot of structure, and they've partnered with somebody to build that structure, and then they're going through divorce, which un undoes that all that structure, structure. 00:07:23.509 --> 00:07:25.349 So they have to rebuild it themselves. 00:07:25.509 --> 00:07:45.909 And then they get back into dating, and I've done it, and uh, there's there's a slow drift into rebuilding structure on my own without my partner, and depending on how the div the marriage was or the relationship and the divorce, the saying goes the divorce goes the way the marriage went. 00:07:46.069 --> 00:07:57.829 And so a lot of guys will come out of a relationship like that with basically no structure at all because they've allowed their ex to build all of that for them. 00:07:58.069 --> 00:08:05.430 And other guys are they have some structure, and but they get back into dating thinking, I'm gonna find another partner. 00:08:05.909 --> 00:08:06.870 They're probably not thinking this. 00:08:06.949 --> 00:08:11.669 This is very unconscious, but they're gonna find another partner to help co-create new structure. 00:08:11.990 --> 00:08:16.069 But in the dating world, like you just said, Dallas, that's that's not how it happens. 00:08:16.310 --> 00:08:19.349 Women are looking for a guy who already has structure. 00:08:19.750 --> 00:08:24.229 And I I have this saying that confidence is stability. 00:08:24.549 --> 00:08:27.750 Confidence is what stability looks like on the outside. 00:08:28.229 --> 00:08:34.070 So what we're really talking about, I mean, there's confidence on the surface, but underneath that is the stability. 00:08:34.310 --> 00:08:52.949 And so So, what I'm what I'm hearing the both of you kind of say is that without having that that structure already designed in your life, having done that that hard work, that basically you're just counting on something that is not authentically who you are, right? 00:08:53.029 --> 00:08:57.189 So that which is probably one of the reasons why so many guys get caught up. 00:08:57.269 --> 00:09:00.389 And and I and I'll I'll be honest, I was guilty of this as well. 00:09:00.789 --> 00:09:05.909 Everything that you guys just described was me post- post-divorce. 00:09:06.069 --> 00:09:11.110 I did all the wrong stuff, started dating right away, like had done none of this foundational stuff. 00:09:11.350 --> 00:09:28.710 And what that led to was the the performative stuff, talking, you know, thinking about game theory and reading about game theory and how to do this and how

to do that, and like how many, you know, how many dates and how until you do this, and and how long before you do that, and all that stuff. 00:09:28.870 --> 00:09:36.069 And none of that was authentically who I was, and what didn't allow me the opportunity to bring out who I was, right? 00:09:36.230 --> 00:09:37.429 It was just me performing. 00:09:37.669 --> 00:09:53.350 So, you know, the tactics, like we get all these tactics out here, and and and I know we do talk about tactics on our show here, but the taxes that we're talking about are really foundational to what to what you guys are are describing there. 00:09:53.509 --> 00:10:06.710 So you know, let's just let's just comment on some of the stuff that's out there that is, you know, I I I don't want to diminish all of it because there's a lot of truth in in some of it. 00:10:06.949 --> 00:10:16.549 But if you're using it as this mask as performative, then it doesn't what you guys described, it doesn't allow who you are to to shine through. 00:10:16.629 --> 00:10:20.870 And that's what you want, because otherwise you're just gonna be finding people that do not fit. 00:10:21.029 --> 00:10:24.149 And that's what I have done for you know, I have done for so long. 00:10:24.309 --> 00:10:33.829 It was the wrong fit because I well, it wasn't me who was there, it was me performing whoever it was, like whatever I was trying to do at the time. 00:10:34.149 --> 00:10:35.509 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:10:35.750 --> 00:10:37.110 Dallas, this is your thing. 00:10:37.269 --> 00:10:38.389 What what do you see? 00:10:38.710 --> 00:10:43.750 So one of the I I get the two top questions that I get is where do I meet women? 00:10:43.909 --> 00:10:49.350 And then what do I say to a and two, what do I say to a woman when I want to approach when I meet her? 00:10:49.590 --> 00:10:53.029 And that second one is literally they're asking for a script. 00:10:53.509 --> 00:11:00.470 There's this idea that there are some magic words out there that we say and her pants just fall off, and we get to take her home and have fun with her. 00:11:00.870 --> 00:11:05.029 And it's a it's a complete, it's a complete illusion the fact that that exists. 00:11:05.350 --> 00:11:13.590 However, a lot of what I actually provide for guys is helping them articulate their thoughts in ways that are effective. 00:11:13.909 --> 00:11:25.750 So what's interesting, and and I I will I will share with them after I help, after I listen to them, I understand where they are, and I figure out, you know, what what what the what the constraint is that they're trying to get past. 00:11:25.909 --> 00:11:28.069 I'll ask them, hey, is this kind of what you're trying to say? 00:11:28.149 --> 00:11:29.509 And they'll go, yes, that's it. 00:11:29.590 --> 00:11:31.509 That that's exactly what I'm shooting for. 00:11:32.069 --> 00:11:37.509 And then I will, and then I will break apart what I said and why it's effective. 00:11:37.829 --> 00:11:42.870 And then what I'm doing is I'm I'm showing them the principle underneath the script. 00:11:43.829 --> 00:11:48.069 And and and the the trick is to you learn the principles. 00:11:48.149 --> 00:11:50.230 That's something that we that we can learn externally. 00:11:50.309 --> 00:11:59.350 That's where the tradition of older men, I wish it was still around, to help the younger men understand the principles so that we know how to be effective in a masculine way. 00:11:59.509 --> 00:12:04.549 But then we have to add the individual identity component, which is what do I actually want to say? 00:12:04.710 --> 00:12:05.829 What is my voice? 00:12:06.069 --> 00:12:15.509 And that's what takes it from a performance to uh to an adventure, too, to an in an inhabited, a lived-in experience that we're inviting the woman to share in with us. 00:12:15.829 --> 00:12:16.069 Yeah. 00:12:16.230 --> 00:12:20.789 Hey, Rick, so let me ask you, let me ask you this from a therapeutic mindset. 00:12:21.029 --> 00:12:24.710 Is this so wouldn't this just create more anxiety? 00:12:24.870 --> 00:12:32.789 Because if you're just trying to perform something, if the performance doesn't go well, basically, then you're gonna be disappointed, right? 00:12:32.870 --> 00:12:40.949 So this isn't a strong foundation working backwards from all these theories and ideas to to trying to build the foundation, right? 00:12:41.269 --> 00:12:41.990 Yeah, yeah. 00:12:42.230 --> 00:12:43.110 Stage fright. 00:12:43.269 --> 00:12:48.069 It's like you're out on stage and you've got your script, and holy crap, am I gonna be able to perform this? 00:12:48.470 --> 00:12:52.470 And and and you've got Dallas on and in the back of your mind, like, what did he say? 00:12:52.710 --> 00:12:57.829 And so actually, what's in the back of their mind is what would Dallas do? 00:12:58.309 --> 00:13:05.590 Which I do, well, actually, which isn't a bad thing, because you know, in a sense, I'm I'm a role model for them. 00:13:05.669 --> 00:13:11.909 They're wondering what would he do in this situation, not what did Dallas say to do in this situation, right? 00:13:12.149 --> 00:13:22.309 So it's not a memorized perform thing, it's a principle thing, and you're trying to find it and go, oh, he would he would tell the truth and spin it in a positive way. 00:13:22.549 --> 00:13:23.590 How do I do that? 00:13:23.750 --> 00:13:25.590 What do I say to follow that principle? 00:13:25.829 --> 00:13:26.870 Yeah, yeah. 00:13:27.350 --> 00:13:39.669 So there's this transition that happens, and so I you're working with guys, Dallas, who are kind of at the beginning of that transition, they haven't quite got the language in them, and so they're learning the language. 00:13:39.829 --> 00:13:39.990 Yeah. 00:13:40.149 --> 00:13:53.509 I'm I'm working with guys who are in it for the long haul, and they're developing their stability in their health, their body, and their finances, in their ability to build relationships. 00:13:53.669 --> 00:14:01.590

And so little by little they start to develop this just inner confidence, so they don't really have to have a script, they just be themselves. 00:14:01.909 --> 00:14:06.949 And it's that transition that sometimes it takes a month, sometimes it takes 10 years. 00:14:07.189 --> 00:14:11.429 And because there is an some self-esteem stuff going on. 00:14:11.590 --> 00:14:12.949 Well, what if I'm not good enough? 00:14:13.110 --> 00:14:14.069 That's the big one. 00:14:14.230 --> 00:14:15.350 I'm not worthy. 00:14:15.669 --> 00:14:34.789 And especially depending on how that previous relationship went before the divorce, especially at the tail end of any relationship, as it's unwinding, there's a lot of conflict, there's a lot of harsh words, and that those are the last things that we in our last relationship, that's how it went. 00:14:34.949 --> 00:14:43.829 And so the residue of that previous relationship are still sticking around for guys who are getting back into dating and they've just come off a divorce. 00:14:44.069 --> 00:14:45.909 I don't know what you guys think about this. 00:14:46.069 --> 00:14:50.389 What do you think about how long how long should someone wait before they start dating? 00:14:50.870 --> 00:14:54.230 Jude's got his rules, so I'll let him I'll let him speak to that. 00:14:55.110 --> 00:14:55.429 Okay. 00:14:56.069 --> 00:15:18.789 Well, so what what I've what I've found personally, but also with with the guys I work with is that getting through at least the seasons post-divorce, like once the divorce is finalized, everything's done, you've got parenting plans, you've got the fine, you know, the financial structure is in, you know, you kind of have an idea of the lay of the land. 00:15:18.949 --> 00:15:28.309 Now get through full seasons, all four seasons once, because it allows you the opportunity to settle into the new circumstances. 00:15:28.549 --> 00:15:35.829 It allows your kids to settle into the new circumstances, you to get a new rhythm, uh, create a new rhythm. 00:15:35.909 --> 00:15:50.389 There's so much work that needs to be done with the the kiddos and providing a place that is safe and secure for them to be comfortable before one being distracted, or two, introducing somebody new. 00:15:50.549 --> 00:15:53.590 And I speak this from doing the absolute opposite. 00:15:55.029 --> 00:15:55.509 Honestly. 00:15:55.590 --> 00:16:00.789 And I look back and it and there were benefits to to what happened, and I see why that it happened. 00:16:00.949 --> 00:16:11.829 But if I could go back and I could tell my my divorcing self what to do and what might be better for me, that would be the the suggestion that that I would make. 00:16:11.990 --> 00:16:21.189 And then start with what we're talking about, which is starting to build that foundation, because what happens during divorce is just chaos, right? 00:16:21.269 --> 00:16:28.789 Like the chaos factors, your your routine is a is is a mess, and your your confidence has taken a hit. 00:16:28.949 --> 00:16:39.750 We all every time we have a relationship that's that that that is not successful, whether it's dating, whether it's a divorce, we take a little of a concept, a little bit of a confidence hit, right? 00:16:39.829 --> 00:16:41.110 We kind of think about stuff. 00:16:41.189 --> 00:16:43.269 We think, well, what what did I do wrong? 00:16:43.429 --> 00:16:46.149 Is is there something I could do better if you're healthy? 00:16:46.309 --> 00:16:51.269 If you're not healthy, you you spiral into to much worse self-talk. 00:16:51.509 --> 00:16:59.669 But and there's emotional volatility too, especially during a divorce, because there's so much you know, so much complexity. 00:16:59.990 --> 00:17:10.870 And you're going through as you're going through the grieving process for so many different things, which is one thing I don't think one of the things that the divorce dads that I've talked to don't know, I didn't know. 00:17:11.029 --> 00:17:27.990 You're divorcing, you're you're during your divorce, you're not only going through grieving the end of the relationship, but you're grieving the change of circumstances with your kids, you're grieving maybe selling a house that you built, you're grieving a different lifestyle, like you're grieving all these different things. 00:17:28.309 --> 00:17:31.509 You're you're also grieving the loss of the future. 00:17:31.750 --> 00:17:31.990 Right. 00:17:32.389 --> 00:17:36.950 You had a picture of how this was gonna go, and you have to let go of that dream. 00:17:37.109 --> 00:17:39.190 Like that's a huge thing to grieve as well. 00:17:39.430 --> 00:17:40.069 Yeah, yep. 00:17:40.230 --> 00:17:40.869 Yeah, exactly. 00:17:41.829 --> 00:17:52.470 So I did the same thing, Jude, after my divorce, started dating, and I what you just said, if I could go back and tell myself, don't do that, I'd still probably have done it anyway. 00:17:52.629 --> 00:17:52.789 Yeah. 00:17:53.190 --> 00:17:54.069 That's true. 00:17:55.269 --> 00:17:55.910 That's yeah. 00:18:01.670 --> 00:18:04.950 Uh yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:18:05.269 --> 00:18:09.029 And I think it's it seems like it's an easy confidence hit. 00:18:09.109 --> 00:18:13.750 Like, I'm gonna go date, I'm gonna be successful, and I'm gonna take a I'm gonna, it's gonna boost me up. 00:18:13.829 --> 00:18:14.950 This is what I need. 00:18:15.269 --> 00:18:22.470 And and and so I have a lot of guys who do that and they come back and they're like, Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna date for a while. 00:18:22.789 --> 00:18:26.389 And maybe everybody has to go through it a little bit. 00:18:26.950 --> 00:18:33.029 Well, so so Jude, you mentioned that every time we are in a relationship and then it fails, we take a hit. 00:18:33.109 --> 00:18:35.029 And and I completely believe that's true. 00:18:35.349 --> 00:18:49.910 I believe one of our best, I don't know if it's defenses, but one of our one of our healthiest ways to unhook ourselves from those peaks

and valleys, you know, the lows and highs that we hit emotionally, is is to try to feed and nurture and maintain free agency. 00:18:50.389 --> 00:18:57.269 Because a lot of the times when we go into that relationship and we're like, oh, we're building something, we're doing this, we've found each other, we, we, we. 00:18:57.509 --> 00:19:01.509 And we I mean there's huge advantages to we when you're building something together. 00:19:01.670 --> 00:19:02.150 Absolutely. 00:19:02.950 --> 00:19:09.829 But when you're like, I found my other half, well, a lot of times we give we abandon free agency moment. 00:19:10.150 --> 00:19:10.389 Yeah. 00:19:11.029 --> 00:19:15.109 But but when we maintain free agency and we go, well, is this the right woman for me? 00:19:15.349 --> 00:19:17.430 You know, I've been dating her for a month now. 00:19:17.509 --> 00:19:20.150 Uh, I've got the hots for her, she's got the hots for me. 00:19:20.309 --> 00:19:23.990 But I'm going to continue to ask myself, is this the right woman for me? 00:19:24.150 --> 00:19:30.869 When I maintain that independence and free agency, that helps to level out the peaks and the valleys that the emotions hit. 00:19:31.029 --> 00:19:41.750 You know, on the high level, you're enjoying it, but you're also realizing, okay, just because we're having like an amazing honeymoon month doesn't mean that we're necessarily, you know, set for life with each other. 00:19:41.990 --> 00:19:47.829 And when things fail, it's not that I'm a complete failure failure because because the relationship failed. 00:19:47.910 --> 00:19:53.750 It's like, no, no, no, I was still getting to know her, and that maintaining that free agency is a huge component to that. 00:19:54.069 --> 00:19:54.230 Yeah. 00:19:54.309 --> 00:20:00.789 And when you say and when you say a free agency, that means you haven't committed yet to a committed relationship. 00:20:00.950 --> 00:20:01.670 Is that what you're saying? 00:20:01.750 --> 00:20:02.869 Or how do you describe that? 00:20:02.950 --> 00:20:07.430 Because free agency, you know, Greg Adams talks about you know the free agent life and stuff like that. 00:20:07.509 --> 00:20:11.029 So define for us what what you're what you mean in free agency. 00:20:11.349 --> 00:20:15.829 Uh free agency for me really means uh sidestepping dependency. 00:20:16.230 --> 00:20:16.549 Okay. 00:20:17.029 --> 00:20:23.589 So um it doesn't necessarily you can be committed, but I would say you still want to maintain free agency in that commitment. 00:20:23.910 --> 00:20:43.349 Yeah, and and you yeah, we're not talking about so so so this is more of an intellectual free agency in talking about agency first and being a free agent, not like free agency like in the sports where I'm a free agent and I'm looking to, you know, just do my own thing, get as much money, get as much many women as as possible. 00:20:43.509 --> 00:20:48.230 That's kind of the the mindset in the in the dating world, is the free agent life and mindset. 00:20:48.309 --> 00:20:53.750 So that's why I wanted to be clear with with the the listeners because they hear us talking about free agency. 00:20:53.829 --> 00:20:56.150 It's not the free agency that you're kind of hearing out there. 00:20:56.230 --> 00:21:09.349 It's your it's your agency and making sure that you're not bound, you know, that you are creating your own life and who you are to bring to that relationship something that you can like bring together, right? 00:21:09.750 --> 00:21:21.109 Yeah, and and Rick, I think this would be a perfect time to talk about one of the diagrams that you shared with us because you have you've got this awesome one where you have, you know, the massive arrow of movement. 00:21:21.349 --> 00:21:25.430 And I assume this is more or less the masculine journey, the hero's journey. 00:21:25.589 --> 00:21:36.629 You know, you have this huge arrow of movement, and then you have a whole array of directions you can go in, and then there's the sort of like sunset happy ending, destination, you know, that we're all headed for. 00:21:37.029 --> 00:21:41.829 And and and I feel like this is a diagram for the masculine free agent. 00:21:41.910 --> 00:21:43.829 And thank you, Jude, for clarifying that. 00:21:44.069 --> 00:21:47.910 This isn't just I'm gonna go anywhere, do whatever I want, cavalier style. 00:21:48.069 --> 00:21:48.629 No, no, no. 00:21:48.710 --> 00:21:55.190 This is free agency as in I need to find movement and direction and destination for myself as a man. 00:21:55.269 --> 00:21:56.470 But Rick, it's your diagram. 00:21:56.549 --> 00:21:58.789 Please yeah, thanks for bringing that up. 00:21:58.950 --> 00:22:05.269 Well, so masculinity, the way I I I should say up front, it's basically it's not a clinical diagnosis. 00:22:05.430 --> 00:22:07.670 It's just a bundle of behaviors and you put a linear. 00:22:09.109 --> 00:22:10.950 Can we make this official somehow? 00:22:11.109 --> 00:22:13.509 Because I feel like honestly, that's lacking. 00:22:13.750 --> 00:22:15.109 I mean I know. 00:22:15.349 --> 00:22:18.470 Clinical it it people anyway, so 00:22:19.430 --> 00:22:21.190 That's a whole nother episode, Dallas. 00:22:21.910 --> 00:22:22.150 Yeah, yeah. 00:22:23.589 --> 00:22:23.910 I'm sorry. 00:22:25.029 --> 00:22:26.549 Masculinity's got three parts. 00:22:26.789 --> 00:22:28.950 Masculinity is always moving. 00:22:29.190 --> 00:22:37.190 And and I should say most men are mostly masculine with a little bit of femininity, and most women are feminine with a little bit of masculinity. 00:22:37.349 --> 00:22:39.829 So masculinity wants to be moving. 00:22:40.069 --> 00:22:48.950 And a lot of men, when they and so masculinity is moving in a direction, like you said, Dallas, for a particular outcome or some purpose. 00:22:49.190 --> 00:22:56.629 A lot of guys have been their purpose has been sabotaged or it's been given away or it's been manipulated away somehow. 00:22:56.789 --> 00:22:59.829

And they're still moving because masculinity wants to move. 00:22:59.990 --> 00:23:04.869 And so they're often moving in circles and it feels very stuck. 00:23:05.190 --> 00:23:20.869 And and so when I see a lot of guys, they come out of divorce and they've they've allowed, not allowed, but the arrangement in their partnership is that their partner also does a lot of the purpose building and creating that purpose. 00:23:21.029 --> 00:23:24.710 And so they find themselves after divorce circling. 00:23:24.789 --> 00:23:27.349 They're still moving, but they're moving in circles. 00:23:27.750 --> 00:23:29.190 Chasing their tail a little bit. 00:23:29.349 --> 00:23:31.269 That's a good, yeah, that's a good analogy. 00:24:45.789 --> 00:24:46.109 Yeah. 00:24:46.349 --> 00:24:47.389 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:24:47.549 --> 00:24:48.509 It's very common. 00:24:48.669 --> 00:24:53.869 And and that's why it can take a month to 10 years is to find that purpose. 00:24:54.109 --> 00:24:57.069 So getting back to, you know, what does that look like? 00:24:57.309 --> 00:25:00.349 I I typically will tell guys start with your kids. 00:25:02.669 --> 00:25:04.029 One purpose. 00:25:05.549 --> 00:25:07.629 There's the the big overall purpose. 00:25:07.709 --> 00:25:12.189 It's to, I want to be a millionaire by the time I'm 30, or I want to. 00:25:12.829 --> 00:25:16.429 I was gonna say, if you've got kids, let your kids be the anchor. 00:25:16.589 --> 00:25:19.949 Let your kids be the core and you build from that. 00:25:20.269 --> 00:25:35.389 So the next one is so after your kids, it's your body, whether that means getting back in the gym or just some sort of exercise and eating right, because those two things, maybe not kids so much, but definitely working on your body, you control that. 00:25:35.469 --> 00:25:37.789 That's that agency that you're talking about. 00:25:38.109 --> 00:25:43.229 Is you start with things that you can control and things that you are absolutely committed to. 00:25:43.469 --> 00:25:45.229 So your kids and your body. 00:25:45.469 --> 00:25:48.189 And then probably I would add one more after that. 00:25:48.349 --> 00:25:49.309 Yeah, financial, right? 00:25:49.389 --> 00:25:49.709 Exactly. 00:25:49.869 --> 00:25:51.789 Kind of the three pillars, yeah, for sure. 00:25:52.029 --> 00:25:52.269 Yes. 00:25:52.589 --> 00:25:53.789 Dude, were you reading my notes? 00:25:53.869 --> 00:25:55.149 You're you're kind of like Dallas. 00:25:55.229 --> 00:25:59.309 You you guys are prophetic in in how you put this together. 00:25:59.469 --> 00:26:16.189 But I mean, I I I joke with that, but it's it's the it's it's it's true though, because we've you know we've got the benefit of being down the road here a little bit and having done this and also do this work every single day to understand these three three these three pillars. 00:26:16.269 --> 00:26:20.749 But it is incredibly, incredibly important to to focus on those things. 00:26:20.909 --> 00:26:40.029 So, you

know, Dallas, if you're as opposed to working backwards, if you're starting with, and and Rick, maybe you can comment on this, if you're starting with this in those that time post-divorce, these these three pillars, what are you doing physically, financially, and as a as a parent to build that foundation? 00:26:40.589 --> 00:26:41.229 Right. 00:26:41.469 --> 00:26:42.029 Right. 00:26:42.349 --> 00:26:45.229 Um that's a question. 00:26:45.469 --> 00:26:46.349 Yeah, that's a question. 00:26:46.429 --> 00:26:47.869 What yeah, what specifically? 00:26:48.029 --> 00:26:58.349 Like, what are you so it's uh yeah, we're saying, okay, you need to pay attention to physical, financial, and and and parental, but like what do you need to be doing with those in order to build that foundation? 00:26:58.749 --> 00:27:03.789 So if confidence is what stability looks like from the outside, it's about it's about creating stability. 00:27:03.949 --> 00:27:22.349 Get your kids, get get the uh the custody plan down and locked in and and pick them up, drop them off at practice and school and all that stuff, and come up with a way to talk to your ex in a way that's respectful, and the kids see it, and they they're like, okay, they at least they're talking to each other. 00:27:22.589 --> 00:27:23.229 If you can. 00:27:23.389 --> 00:27:24.589 Not everybody can do that. 00:27:24.829 --> 00:27:25.309 Yeah. 00:27:25.629 --> 00:27:30.429 Finances, there's finances are the kind of thing that has multiple dependencies on other people. 00:27:30.509 --> 00:27:32.269 It's usually a job or something like that. 00:27:32.349 --> 00:27:37.789 You don't have quite as much agency there, but it is, you know, you need to have an income. 00:27:38.029 --> 00:27:41.069 And but the core one is your kids and your body. 00:27:41.309 --> 00:27:49.709 And for people who are just starting out, I highly recommend start with your body because as soon as you start working on it, the next day you feel it. 00:27:49.789 --> 00:27:53.629 You feel the acid in your muscles, and you're like, oh yeah, okay. 00:27:53.789 --> 00:27:57.229 And and it you feel it, and that's that's what we're after. 00:27:57.629 --> 00:28:10.429 And working out on a regular basis or exercising starts to create a time-based structure, and that's that leads to confidence and the confidence that you bring to dating eventually. 00:28:10.589 --> 00:28:14.109 So Rick, I love I love the word structure. 00:28:14.269 --> 00:28:16.269 I think structure is really where it's at. 00:28:16.429 --> 00:28:18.829 In the finances, that structure looks like a budget. 00:28:18.989 --> 00:28:23.869 You have your income side, you have your expenses side, and you want to make sure you've got something left over at the end of the month. 00:28:24.029 --> 00:28:24.909 That's the structure. 00:28:25.149 --> 00:28:30.909 And when it comes to the workouts, you know, going in regularity, consistency, that's what provides the structure. 00:28:31.149 --> 00:28:37.869 When it comes to the diet, I mean, for me, basically, you've you've got a calorie budget very similar to a dollar budget. 00:28:38.109 --> 00:28:41.629 There's a certain amount of calories that you burn with your active metabolic rate. 00:28:41.709 --> 00:28:49.069 You want to know what that is, and you want to start consuming at or maybe a little less than that to get yourself in the shape that you want. 00:28:49.709 --> 00:28:52.349 And then obviously with the children, you want the structure as well. 00:28:52.989 --> 00:29:11.229 When you when you exercise, when you uh provide and then follow an exercise structure within yourself as a man, and you do that consistently, week after week, month after month, and that's part of who you are, and that's part of the the heat and the basic the basic uh fiber that you bring to a date. 00:29:11.789 --> 00:29:29.309 Women are gonna relax into it because you're structured, you have that masculine frame, you have this this like, oh, he's solid, and and your body shows it, and your pocketbook shows it, and you know, your your structure with you know your kids and you know your ex, it shows it. 00:29:29.469 --> 00:29:34.909 She's gonna look at that and relax because she's like, good, I don't have to bring any structure to the table. 00:29:35.149 --> 00:29:41.149 This guy actually has a surplus of structure, and that means that as a woman, I can relax and be free. 00:29:41.789 --> 00:29:44.749 I can be more carefree, don't have to worry about things as much. 00:29:44.909 --> 00:29:47.629 I can get in the passenger seat of the car and let him drive. 00:29:48.269 --> 00:29:48.829 Yeah, yeah. 00:29:49.069 --> 00:30:01.229 And I want to draw the I I want to uh draw the line between doing that post-divorce in your life for your kids, because you need to do that for your kids, in number one, right? 00:30:01.309 --> 00:30:03.069 That's just a that's a given. 00:30:03.389 --> 00:30:06.829 But that that then translates into your dating life. 00:30:06.989 --> 00:30:31.949 So if you take this mindset, which is building that foundation first with your family for and for yourself, that will directly translate to being able to show that, like, like Rick talked about in the in the beginning, just the fact that you committed, that you had kids, like you've already, and and then we've talked about in the in other episodes, Dallas, you've already got something built in there, guys. 00:30:32.109 --> 00:30:36.669 You just don't maybe know that you that you do have that, right? 00:30:36.749 --> 00:30:40.509 And and and and I know a lot of guys listening are going, oh my god, like working out. 00:30:40.589 --> 00:30:44.829 And Dallas is talking about diet, and then I gotta exercise, and now I've got to put together a budget. 00:30:44.909 --> 00:30:50.749 And I didn't, my wife always did the budget, and and it's like, okay, yes, that's probably true. 00:30:51.069 --> 00:30:56.349 Another reason why you should take those

four seasons and take one of those things. 00:30:56.429 --> 00:30:58.589 You don't have to do it all at once, right? 00:30:58.669 --> 00:31:01.069 Now you're gonna have to keep parenting the whole time, okay. 00:31:01.149 --> 00:31:01.629 I hope. 00:31:02.429 --> 00:31:05.229 But take one, the physical fitness, like you said, Rick. 00:31:05.629 --> 00:31:05.949 Amen. 00:31:06.269 --> 00:31:16.749 It is the easiest, fastest thing to start having some immediate results for for your mental, emotional, for your physical, like it will impact everything else. 00:31:16.909 --> 00:31:18.269 So just start small. 00:31:18.349 --> 00:31:21.949 And that and that can be like it can just be starting walks. 00:31:22.109 --> 00:31:27.229 Some guys that I work with, I'm like, all right, you're just gonna walk 15 minutes today. 00:31:27.389 --> 00:31:27.789 That's it. 00:31:27.949 --> 00:31:28.909 That's all you're gonna start. 00:31:28.989 --> 00:31:30.269 That's all you're gonna start doing. 00:31:30.509 --> 00:31:33.229 And and and you're gonna get up five minutes earlier. 00:31:33.469 --> 00:31:35.229 Like something, like something like that. 00:31:35.309 --> 00:31:36.589 So you don't have to do it all once. 00:31:36.669 --> 00:31:42.989 You're not gonna, and this is a big thing that I get with a lot of the divorce dads, because we're dead, you know, we're we're fixers, met, we're men, right? 00:31:43.069 --> 00:31:43.869 We want to fix stuff. 00:31:43.949 --> 00:31:49.069 So immediately post divorce, it's like, I've changed it my whole life, I'm fixing everything. 00:31:49.229 --> 00:31:57.869 Like they get in men's groups and they do this, and they're like subscribed to all that and everything else, and it's like, slow down, guys. 00:31:58.029 --> 00:32:01.069 Like, you're not gonna go find the why the new wife. 00:32:01.229 --> 00:32:02.589 It's like, no, no, no, no, no. 00:32:02.749 --> 00:32:03.629 Slow down. 00:32:03.869 --> 00:32:07.789 These, you know, these three pillars that we're talking about here, take one for it. 00:32:07.869 --> 00:32:09.789 What what what's the what's the saying, guys? 00:32:09.869 --> 00:32:16.749 It takes uh 21 days to to change a habit and 90 days to change your life, like make a lifestyle change, right? 00:32:16.909 --> 00:32:18.109 Yep, yeah, yeah. 00:32:18.349 --> 00:32:27.389 You know, the coaching I do is built on the idea that there's eight different areas of life, and you can pick one that has leverage that can bring up the other ones. 00:32:27.469 --> 00:32:29.869 You know, a rising tide brings up other boats. 00:32:30.269 --> 00:32:39.549 And so if you work on your physical health, often it helps with your social life and it brings that confidence to your job and and it affects everything. 00:32:39.789 --> 00:32:43.789 So the other one is is social, and so we're sitting here, you know. 00:32:43.949 --> 00:32:46.269 I I I really want to emphasize what you just said, Jude. 00:32:46.429 --> 00:32:47.069 Take your time.

00:32:47.149 --> 00:32:59.469 We're we're three guys sitting here, you know, throwing advice at you, but it is four seasons, it's a good 12 months of don't beat yourself up over oh I gotta do all this right now. 00:32:59.629 --> 00:33:00.909 So I'm glad you said that. 00:33:01.469 --> 00:33:13.549 Yeah, well, and and the other thing is is I don't think any of us are are suggesting don't talk to women or avoid women or like you know, throw yourself up in the house. 00:33:14.589 --> 00:33:20.269 I think we're just saying, you know, don't like don't jump to that next relationship, right? 00:33:20.349 --> 00:33:22.109 Like you can be social. 00:33:22.589 --> 00:33:27.709 Even Dallas and I have talked on other episodes of recreational dating and and and doing that. 00:33:27.789 --> 00:33:30.029 Like that's that's healthy, right? 00:33:30.109 --> 00:33:37.789 Like you want to be testing that having warm interactions with everybody in in your life, including members of the opposite sex. 00:33:37.949 --> 00:33:39.149 Like, that's all good. 00:33:39.309 --> 00:33:44.749 Just don't, you know, don't jump into that relationship because you're gonna it's gonna be disappointing. 00:33:44.829 --> 00:33:49.869 Taking it back to what we're talking about, that will create more anxiety, that's gonna make you feel like crap. 00:33:49.949 --> 00:33:58.349 You you talked about, well, both of you talked about like the ups and downs, or the the the disappointment cycle, or the I'm not, I hear this all the time. 00:33:58.429 --> 00:34:01.469 Well, I'm not dating you, it's been awful, it's awful dating out there. 00:34:01.549 --> 00:34:08.030 Like you get all this doom and gloom, and it's like, come on, like it's it's it's really not, but that's because you haven't done the work yourself. 00:34:08.190 --> 00:34:13.389 Like, so you'll avoid all those ups and downs if you have built that foundation. 00:34:13.550 --> 00:34:20.909 Because like then Dallas says, well, while you do might you might take, and and I guess a hit is not really the good word for it, right, Dallas. 00:34:20.989 --> 00:34:24.750 It's just like like reflection if a rel when a relationship ends. 00:34:24.829 --> 00:34:26.510 Or like that's how I feel now. 00:34:26.670 --> 00:34:29.550 Before it was I I felt like I was taking a confidence hit. 00:34:29.710 --> 00:34:34.989 Now I feel like, well, it's an opportunity for me to reflect, but I don't I don't take a hit, right? 00:34:35.070 --> 00:34:36.510 So you got to get to that point. 00:34:36.750 --> 00:34:37.469 Yeah, yeah. 00:34:37.630 --> 00:34:41.869 You know, and and when we're you know, this episode's talking about you know performance and how it's a bad thing. 00:34:42.030 --> 00:34:42.110 Right. 00:34:42.269 --> 00:34:44.750 And I I want to reframe it here, Harold. 00:34:44.829 --> 00:34:52.989 When you take that first year and you're getting back to basics where you're you're working out, you're doing exercises, you're connecting with your kids,

you're creating stability. 00:34:53.150 --> 00:34:55.949 That is actually genuine real performance. 00:34:56.110 --> 00:35:02.909 Yeah, you're establishing an individual performance level and you're a winner on a first person level. 00:35:03.070 --> 00:35:12.590 Yeah, you're doing it privately, nobody's looking, but you know that you've gone to the gym 50 weeks in a row over the last year because you took too off to go to Maui or something. 00:35:13.150 --> 00:35:15.389 But but you you know that you're doing that. 00:35:15.469 --> 00:35:26.830 And then when you show up to the date, you're not then beginning a performance, you're demonstrating a high performance level that you've had as an individual man by yourself individually. 00:35:27.230 --> 00:35:33.790 And dude, I I I can totally hear and see all the guys rolling their eyes and like, oh, I have to do all this work, you have to do all this work. 00:35:33.950 --> 00:35:44.430 Yeah, let's just make it clear if you want masculine energy that is sexy and appealing, not just to women, but to everyone, that comes from discipline. 00:35:44.590 --> 00:35:44.910 Yeah. 00:35:45.150 --> 00:35:51.150 Doing the work by itself, achieving a level of performance to the point where you're winning requires discipline. 00:35:51.390 --> 00:35:53.230 All masculinity comes from discipline. 00:35:53.309 --> 00:35:54.590 There's no two ways about it. 00:35:54.910 --> 00:35:57.550 Yeah, you've got to drive to that outcome, that purpose. 00:35:57.869 --> 00:36:05.630 If you don't mind, I I'd like to share the the other diagram, the feminine diagram, because this is it's completely different than the masculine. 00:36:05.789 --> 00:36:06.910 It's and it's pretty simple. 00:36:07.309 --> 00:36:08.829 You're saying so Rick, hold on. 00:36:08.910 --> 00:36:13.070 You're saying there's differences between men and women and masculine and no, no, no, no, no. 00:36:13.070 --> 00:36:16.990 There's differences between diagrams about diagrams about democracy. 00:36:18.829 --> 00:36:21.150 I just sometimes it's confusing out there. 00:36:21.390 --> 00:36:21.550 Okay. 00:36:22.110 --> 00:36:23.390 Same colors though. 00:36:23.630 --> 00:36:30.510 So the feminine like to have experiences, and and they'll remember the experiences. 00:36:30.590 --> 00:36:36.190 There were colors, there was food, there were people, there were conversations, all the aspects of that experience. 00:36:36.430 --> 00:36:43.950 And then they want to have feelings and emotions about that experience, and they want to reprocess those emotions. 00:36:44.110 --> 00:36:52.190 So they talk about it, they think about it, they write about it, and those emotions lead to the next experience, and then the next one, and the next one. 00:36:52.269 --> 00:36:59.550 And it's a completely different and it can seem a little chaotic from the outside as a masculine person. 00:36:59.869 --> 00:37:03.470 But when you put the two together, it actually and it works. 00:37:03.710 --> 00:37:12.510 The masculine is driving in a direction, and the feminine is creating experiences, and and you put the two together, it is pretty amazing. 00:37:12.910 --> 00:37:28.430 And so I wanted to share that because the feminine is looking for a guide, a guiding masculinity going somewhere, and the masculinity is wanting to create purpose that feeds and pleases the feminine. 00:37:28.670 --> 00:37:30.910 And so that's just my take on it. 00:37:31.070 --> 00:37:38.670 But mass good, healthy masculinity wants good outcomes for the feminine, and yeah, that's how they work together. 00:37:38.829 --> 00:37:42.349 And so creating experiences is core, I believe. 00:37:42.750 --> 00:37:44.030 This is a question for Dallas. 00:37:44.349 --> 00:37:49.070 Creating experiences for the feminine is what creates successful dating. 00:37:49.230 --> 00:37:49.390 Yeah. 00:37:49.630 --> 00:37:50.430 Does that sound right? 00:37:50.990 --> 00:37:51.550 Absolutely. 00:37:52.110 --> 00:37:53.390 There's a bunch of things that tie in. 00:37:53.470 --> 00:38:00.590 So one of them is I talk with my clients about how the masculine is the author and the feminine is the editor. 00:38:01.630 --> 00:38:07.390 So our job is from scratch to create, you know, design a date, invite her to it, all of that. 00:38:07.470 --> 00:38:08.990 We're we're writing it from there. 00:38:09.070 --> 00:38:14.510 And then we leave it up to her to edit and change according to her preferences, to tweak the experience. 00:38:14.829 --> 00:38:20.829 And in order to have a really good story, a really good book, you need both an author and an editor involved. 00:38:20.990 --> 00:38:24.110 The author by himself is only going to come up with a so-so book. 00:38:24.269 --> 00:38:27.150 The editor doesn't have any raw material to work with. 00:38:27.309 --> 00:38:27.550 Yeah. 00:38:27.710 --> 00:38:29.150 So that that's the first thing. 00:38:29.309 --> 00:38:35.550 The second thing is I I talk with men that women respond to the experience they have in your presence. 00:38:35.789 --> 00:38:44.110 It I agree that the events are the experience that she's happening, but on an even more fundamental level, what is the experience I have in this man's company? 00:38:44.750 --> 00:38:49.230 I I show up and he's nervous, he's performing, he feels he has to prove something. 00:38:49.710 --> 00:38:59.789 That's not an experience that most women want to have again because that's going to spin up their nervous energy through the mirroring and through through the you know, just being in the company of it, that'll spin up their own nervous energy. 00:39:00.349 --> 00:39:09.070 When a man shows up with some with some deep free agent performance where he's really achieved things, her experience is going to be relaxed. 00:39:09.230 --> 00:39:11.630 She's going to feel calm and regulated in his presence. 00:39:11.789 --> 00:39:24.110 She's going, you know, and particularly if he has reached a level of achievement

in his own life where he can laugh at himself, where he can he, you know, because humor really is a sign that I've got nothing to worry about. 00:39:24.269 --> 00:39:24.430 Yeah. 00:39:25.150 --> 00:39:26.910 There's there's clowning, which is different. 00:39:27.070 --> 00:39:45.230 But when I can genuinely laugh at myself because everything's taken care of in my life, you know, I just had the oil changed in my car, I've got a bunch of money in the account, you know, I've I've been working out like crazy and eating well, so I can have these hot wings and not worry about it, followed by followed by cheesecake and all the beer I want. 00:39:45.470 --> 00:39:49.070 You know, and I can laugh about it because this is my feasting moment. 00:39:49.710 --> 00:39:58.190 Well, that part of the experience, she's gonna be like, wow, you know, if I snuggle up with this guy, man, I get to relax, I get to have this experience. 00:39:58.349 --> 00:40:11.070 And then within the container, she can then edit that experience and you know, color it different colors and you know, you know, prepare a picnic basket to bring with it and go off on weird tangents, you know, on the road trip. 00:40:11.390 --> 00:40:13.390 And that's you know, and and that experience. 00:40:13.550 --> 00:40:23.869 But but her ex, you know, a lot of guys think a woman wants a resume, you know, that she I need to have, you know, six-pack abs, six feet tall, six, you know, uh, six-figure income. 00:40:24.110 --> 00:40:25.309 You know, there's a bunch of other things. 00:40:25.390 --> 00:40:28.510 And if I bring this resume, she's gonna like me and she's gonna say yes. 00:40:28.590 --> 00:40:35.789 And it's like, and women might even tell us this, but you know, state of preferences versus revealed preferences. 00:40:35.950 --> 00:40:36.110 Right. 00:40:36.430 --> 00:40:41.309 When you're actually there, the woman goes for the other guy that just made them laugh. 00:40:41.550 --> 00:40:50.190 Well, what was her experience with the man that made that made her laugh versus the guy that was so serious and nervous and hoping he gets the job based on his resume? 00:40:50.510 --> 00:40:51.150 Yeah. 00:40:51.630 --> 00:41:06.670 There is a whole other component we're leaving out, and that is that the the other person across the table at the date has also gone through a breakup of some kind, potentially a divorce, and has kids and is dealing with a lot of the same stuff we're talking about from the feminine side. 00:41:07.070 --> 00:41:17.470 And if if you want to get really serious with that person, you're going to encounter their constraints and their stories and all of that that they're working on as well. 00:41:17.710 --> 00:41:22.110 So it's just another reason to potentially hold off from getting serious. 00:41:22.430 --> 00:41:29.230 Well, and let's talk about that too, Rick, because that's a really great point, is we're all a work in progress in general, right? 00:41:29.309 --> 00:41:30.750 No matter where we're at. 00:41:31.070 --> 00:41:34.110 How do you communicate with somebody? 00:41:34.269 --> 00:41:41.710 So what Dallas just described, I love I love how Dallas describes things because it's it's what I aspire to be every time, right? 00:41:41.789 --> 00:41:45.869 Like when you describe the the life, okay, but I'm not there, right? 00:41:45.950 --> 00:41:48.430 There's so many parts of my life, I'm still working on one. 00:41:48.910 --> 00:42:07.230 How do you do that post-divorce just and and describe that without without trauma dumping or like whatever else to to somebody that you're you know that that you are that masculine, that you are that you are working towards something, but you might not be there yet? 00:42:07.390 --> 00:42:10.190 I don't think we're ever fully there, right? 00:42:10.510 --> 00:42:15.550 Um we shouldn't ever fully be there if we're in our masculine, we should always be striving and working. 00:42:15.630 --> 00:42:16.750 But how do we do that? 00:42:16.829 --> 00:42:26.670 How do we describe that post-divorce in conversation with you know without sounding, you know, like we don't have our our you know what together? 00:42:26.990 --> 00:42:30.269 You know what we're really talking about, we haven't brought up the word authentic. 00:42:30.510 --> 00:42:36.590 It's it gets used a lot, but I'm just gonna say I I'm a big proponent of just being completely honest. 00:42:36.829 --> 00:42:40.990 And and this is where I'm at, and this is what I'm this is why I'm dating. 00:42:41.150 --> 00:42:42.670 That's what I hope to get out of it. 00:42:42.990 --> 00:42:46.349 And you don't have to say much more than that unless you get asked questions. 00:42:46.510 --> 00:42:47.070 I'm not sure. 00:42:47.150 --> 00:42:48.750 I don't know if that's what you're asking to. 00:42:49.230 --> 00:42:58.670 Well, Dallas knows I really need really specific rules and scripts and like you know, directions. 00:42:58.829 --> 00:43:02.829 So give me a give me a script, Dallas. 00:43:05.789 --> 00:43:07.150 What am I giving you a script to? 00:43:07.390 --> 00:43:13.309 I don't think I'm no, no, I I how do we how do we convey that? 00:43:13.470 --> 00:43:31.070 How do we convey that to um so Rick brought up the put Rick brought up the point that we're sitting across from somebody that's going through, likely maybe even gone through a doors like us, that is having the same challenges, and we are post-divorce, and our life feels like chaos. 00:43:31.150 --> 00:43:40.990 We're working on our masculine, everything we just described, but we're starting to date, and but and but we want to let them we we want to be authentic. 00:43:41.070 --> 00:43:59.550 Uh the the word that that Rick was bringing up about where we're at, but not sound like not be trauma dumping or you know, just like like or performative, like we're talking about, like we're not performing or we're not faking it to we're we're making it, like we're being authentic. 00:44:00.110

--> 00:44:00.829 I got a script. 00:44:01.150 --> 00:44:02.030 But still masculine. 00:44:02.190 --> 00:44:02.510 Yeah. 00:44:05.550 --> 00:44:07.150 I do, you know I do. 00:44:08.670 --> 00:44:11.150 Rick, you work with couples also, right? 00:44:11.390 --> 00:44:12.269 I do in relationships. 00:44:12.670 --> 00:44:15.550 So when you're so let's start it, let's reverse engineer this. 00:44:15.789 --> 00:44:15.950 Okay. 00:44:16.190 --> 00:44:23.789 So when when there's a couple and the people are not being authentic with each other, how do you help them be authentic? 00:44:24.110 --> 00:44:30.110 Because I think being authentic with a stranger or someone that you've only met on a couple of dates is probably even more challenged. 00:44:30.269 --> 00:44:30.910 Well, I don't know. 00:44:30.990 --> 00:44:32.030 They both have their challenges. 00:44:32.190 --> 00:44:36.750 But let's let's start maybe with how you help people be authentic in some of the couples' work that you do. 00:44:37.070 --> 00:44:39.470 Yeah, here's a great question to ask yourself. 00:44:39.630 --> 00:44:44.110 What's at risk if you say what the the thing you don't want to say, what could happen? 00:44:44.269 --> 00:44:45.710 What's the worst thing that can happen? 00:44:45.869 --> 00:44:53.390 And unless we'll just sort of explore that, it's probably not gonna be that bad in real life, but let's that's that's where most people get stuck. 00:44:53.550 --> 00:44:54.430 What's the risk? 00:44:55.710 --> 00:44:56.829 Tonight, that's the risk. 00:44:56.910 --> 00:44:57.630 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:44:57.950 --> 00:45:00.990 Or this person doesn't like me or won't go out with me again. 00:45:01.309 --> 00:45:01.630 Yeah. 00:45:01.789 --> 00:45:06.829 And surprising, maybe it's not surprising, that's the same issue that most guys have in their marriage as well. 00:45:07.070 --> 00:45:14.349 Not gonna have sex tonight, and we're gonna have conflict, and tomorrow it's it's gonna be grumpy, grumpy time in the house. 00:45:14.670 --> 00:45:16.910 And so that's the risk. 00:45:17.230 --> 00:45:21.950 But it's it's actually it it's deeper than that, just saying the words. 00:45:22.110 --> 00:45:33.390 But sex is one of those things that has for guys, it's it's it communicates you're the guy, I've picked you, and everything about you is good enough to be here in this moment and have sex. 00:45:34.269 --> 00:45:38.990 And in a marriage, for a lot of guys, that's what they're living for. 00:45:39.390 --> 00:45:48.590 But if they've developed their stability for themselves, they're they've got their physical health in place, their kids are good, the relationship is good enough. 00:45:48.750 --> 00:45:57.070 If they've got that stability, they're not so reliant on sex as the main meat, the main part of the meal, if that makes sense. 00:45:57.710 --> 00:46:02.510 And it puts them at risk that I'm just after sex. 00:46:02.750 --> 00:46:06.110 And that that puts a guy at a lot of risk. 00:46:06.269 --> 00:46:08.829 That he's thinking, there's a lot of risk here. 00:46:08.910 --> 00:46:11.630 If I say things the wrong way, I'm gonna lose out. 00:46:11.869 --> 00:46:14.829 And that's not I I I don't know. 00:46:14.990 --> 00:46:18.510 Dallas, you're I'm I'm Dallas knows how to articulate what I'm saying. 00:46:18.590 --> 00:46:19.070 I can tell. 00:46:19.309 --> 00:46:19.789 I think so. 00:46:19.950 --> 00:46:26.430 Well, I think what it is is they're setting they're setting sex up as the single point of failure in their happiness system. 00:46:26.670 --> 00:46:27.070 Yes. 00:46:27.390 --> 00:46:38.590 And you don't ever, you know, as a man, like if you've got one point that you're relying on, like you're, you know, two is one, one is none, you know, three's for me in any survival scenario. 00:46:38.750 --> 00:46:38.910 Right. 00:46:39.070 --> 00:46:41.070 I don't want one single point of failure. 00:46:41.309 --> 00:46:47.309 I want to, you know, and I think here, honestly, we're talking about the reward survival system of the dopamine in the body. 00:46:47.550 --> 00:46:47.789 Yes. 00:46:48.030 --> 00:46:53.470 You know, sex is a very, very powerful source of dopamine for men. 00:46:53.710 --> 00:46:53.950 Yeah. 00:46:54.190 --> 00:47:04.750 And, you know, and there's there's the there's the uh phasic dopamine, you know, which is the spikes, the the quick hits that we get that come from, you know, junk food, alcohol, video games, pornography, you know, and and sex. 00:47:05.150 --> 00:47:09.950 And then there's the there's the tonic dopamine system that is much more grounded and healthy. 00:47:10.030 --> 00:47:14.590 Uh it's sort of the the complex carbohydrates as opposed to the sugary carbohydrates. 00:47:14.670 --> 00:47:14.829 Yeah. 00:47:15.070 --> 00:47:35.789 And if you and when you have that masculine energy engaged in yourself, and you're drawing the desire from your wife or your partner or your date to have sex with you, when you're drawing them towards you, that that that create that actually creates a more healthy, balanced cocktail in the reward system. 00:47:36.190 --> 00:47:42.750 Because the desire from her means that you're not grabbing after you're you're not you're not trying to get a quick hit where you can. 00:47:42.990 --> 00:47:45.550 You've got a you've got a very complex source of things. 00:47:45.710 --> 00:47:58.990 If you came to that date, or if, or let's say in the marriage, if you're coming to that discussion at the end of the day after you've been to the gym, yeah, you are coming there with a whole different level of groundedness and authenticity. 00:47:59.230 --> 00:48:09.550 And I think you're I I I'd I'd love to know what you have to say about this, Rick, but I know for me, like like right now, I am currently downstairs redoing flooring in my condo. 00:48:09.710 --> 00:48:10.190 Oh, nice. 00:48:10.349 --> 00:48:12.670 And it is one of the most grueling processes. 00:48:12.750 --> 00:48:21.390 It was it was

a glued-down laminate, and I've been scraping it up and I'm laying it, and I'm, you know, and I'm doing it by myself, which is like extra slow and grueling. 00:48:21.550 --> 00:48:21.950 Yeah. 00:48:22.190 --> 00:48:27.309 But there is something so so just ready to be honest when I'm done. 00:48:27.710 --> 00:48:35.550 I just, you know, uh, and and you know, dealing with conflict, you know, there was a you know, some text messages, you know, that like I need to reply to. 00:48:35.630 --> 00:48:38.910 And after I worked, I was like, let's just let's just tell the truth here. 00:48:38.990 --> 00:48:42.030 You know, I'm this feels a little stressful to me because of this and that. 00:48:42.110 --> 00:48:46.269 And I lay it out, and the response I get is thank you for just telling me the truth. 00:48:46.430 --> 00:48:46.670 Yeah. 00:48:46.829 --> 00:48:49.230 That's yeah, I what I get is a thank you. 00:48:49.390 --> 00:48:56.190 Yeah, and I gotta say, like, as a man, I think what most of us want to hear is thank you for being the way you are. 00:48:56.430 --> 00:49:00.190 Like appreciating the fact that, like, first of all, thank you for like doing flooring. 00:49:00.269 --> 00:49:01.230 Like, that's awesome, you know? 00:49:02.110 --> 00:49:05.789 And then two, thank you for being honest, for being authentic. 00:49:06.030 --> 00:49:10.030 And I, you know, like here's the last thing I feel like I'm going in a lot of directions here. 00:49:10.269 --> 00:49:23.070 The other thing that I tell men is uh the the clients I work with is that the feminine is inherently more vulnerable in life, and we forget that all the time as guys because we're not getting the wow wow wah that we want. 00:49:23.630 --> 00:49:27.070 Um, you gotta remember that women are in a more vulnerable place. 00:49:27.309 --> 00:49:31.390 So we need to lead, we need to put ourselves out there first. 00:49:31.630 --> 00:49:37.710 And whoever goes first in that vulnerability of the authenticity, you're kind of the hero. 00:49:37.950 --> 00:49:38.269 Yeah. 00:49:38.590 --> 00:49:40.430 When when you're the one going, you know what? 00:49:40.510 --> 00:49:42.829 Yo, can I, you know, like a script here, dude. 00:49:42.910 --> 00:49:44.670 You know, it's like, can I be honest for a minute? 00:49:44.829 --> 00:49:46.990 This is what I would say with somebody, can I be honest with you for a minute? 00:49:47.070 --> 00:49:48.750 Can I tell you what it is I really want here? 00:49:48.910 --> 00:49:50.349 Like all this other stuff doesn't really matter. 00:49:50.510 --> 00:49:52.110 You know what I really want is this. 00:49:52.349 --> 00:49:54.110 What really matters to me is this. 00:49:54.349 --> 00:50:00.110 When I cut through the crap and I'm vulnerable that way, oh, that just it it it burns off all the fog. 00:50:00.269 --> 00:50:01.950 Yeah, and and we're and we're in a good place. 00:50:02.030 --> 00:50:06.750 And then if I went there first, first of all, in myself, I feel proud and good

and clean. 00:50:06.910 --> 00:50:11.309 I've got no regrets afterward because I went there and I I said what I wanted to say. 00:50:11.550 --> 00:50:11.710 Right. 00:50:12.110 --> 00:50:20.910 And then secondly, looking back on it, I mean, like, I love that I can count on this man to break ground and go there first. 00:50:21.309 --> 00:50:22.030 Yeah, right. 00:50:22.190 --> 00:50:30.910 And and we're not saying like when we say vulnerability, it doesn't mean that that you're just dumping all of like you're not having a therapy session, right? 00:50:31.230 --> 00:50:37.309 Being vulnerable is saying, hey, I'm not, you know, I my finances aren't quite where I want them to be yet. 00:50:37.390 --> 00:50:45.470 I'm rebuilding and you know, I'm doing this, or I've started this business, or I'm I'm working, or or doing whatever to do that. 00:50:45.550 --> 00:50:52.349 But to your point, Dallas, that's being in your in your masculine helps you to just do that. 00:50:52.510 --> 00:50:53.309 You just do. 00:50:53.470 --> 00:50:54.190 We do, right? 00:50:54.349 --> 00:50:55.150 You just do that. 00:50:55.230 --> 00:51:02.910 So if you're surrounding all of your life with the masculine things, like you're talking about doing flooring or whatever that might be. 00:51:03.070 --> 00:51:11.950 So divorce, this gives you guys, you're going your life is going to look different than it does now in 12 months. 00:51:12.110 --> 00:51:13.869 Yeah, just it's going to. 00:51:14.110 --> 00:51:19.070 There's no it's already changing, it's probably in the middle of chaos, it's going to change. 00:51:19.309 --> 00:51:24.829 You have the ability to decide which direction you want that to go and how you want that to change. 00:51:24.990 --> 00:51:25.150 Right. 00:51:25.470 --> 00:51:26.990 So get into that. 00:51:27.070 --> 00:51:28.030 Your your masculine. 00:51:28.110 --> 00:51:33.789 That's an opportunity for maybe if you liked home improvements and you didn't do those before, start doing those again. 00:51:34.110 --> 00:51:36.990 If you liked motorcycle, I just I bought a motorcycle. 00:51:37.470 --> 00:51:41.230 So I just I put uh to teach my daughters how to to ride a motorcycle. 00:51:41.309 --> 00:51:42.910 We're going to Moab this weekend, right? 00:51:43.150 --> 00:51:46.190 I had to my buddy and came over and we we had to put it together. 00:51:46.269 --> 00:51:48.590 We built we built a motorcycle on Monday. 00:51:48.829 --> 00:51:52.030 Uh so so and I was like, this is so much fun. 00:51:52.190 --> 00:51:54.990 It was frustrating, a little parse of it, but we're done. 00:51:55.150 --> 00:51:57.950 And it's like, this is so much, this was so much fun. 00:51:58.030 --> 00:52:03.309 And I'll tell you what, it's gonna be so much fun putting my daughters on that and teaching them how to ride a motorcycle. 00:52:03.550 --> 00:52:08.829 Because got here's a little side tip that dads don't ever let your daughters get on a motorcycle with a guy. 00:52:08.990 --> 00:52:13.950 Okay, anyway, that's just a something, you know, just a dad tip there. 00:52:14.110 --> 00:52:22.670 But my point being, get into your masculine, like you said, Dallas, all these points, because all these points then help you to show up to that date. 00:52:22.829 --> 00:52:31.309 And and I and I also want to to bring in, you know, we talked about codependency and guys that are giving love, which I think was what you were describing, Dallas. 00:52:31.550 --> 00:52:35.470 Like, like we're giving, we're giving in order to get back. 00:52:35.789 --> 00:52:36.910 Stop, stop that. 00:52:37.070 --> 00:52:48.510 If you're creating this life, if you're creating all these points, like you said, one failure point of her not liking you or didn't like how you pipe your hair or whatever, is not gonna wreck your life. 00:52:48.750 --> 00:52:53.390 Because there's gonna be one, another one that's gonna go, Wow, he's awesome. 00:52:53.550 --> 00:52:54.910 I want him, right? 00:52:54.990 --> 00:52:57.150 And that's the one you're looking for, trust me. 00:52:57.470 --> 00:52:58.910 So there's some natural tension. 00:52:58.990 --> 00:53:04.030 I just want to, we've already said it, but I'll say it again that there is some timing that has to happen here. 00:53:04.190 --> 00:53:12.110 Coming right off a divorce, a lot of guys they don't have the finances, they're living in their the the basement of their marital home or whatever. 00:53:12.190 --> 00:53:18.829 And the story that they have to tell, if they're gonna be honest on a date, is not a story that they want to share. 00:53:18.990 --> 00:53:22.590 And I get that, and that's just the reality of coming off a divorce. 00:53:22.750 --> 00:53:29.710 And so that's probably a good reason to wait, unless you're gonna be really honest and say, you know what, I'm dating just to have fun. 00:53:30.110 --> 00:53:33.230 And and and if that's what it is, then be honest. 00:53:33.550 --> 00:53:33.869 Right. 00:53:34.110 --> 00:53:36.990 So I I get asked that question well, what do I say? 00:53:37.070 --> 00:53:39.950 I I don't, you know, I'm this is my life right now and it sucks. 00:53:40.030 --> 00:53:41.390 So what am I supposed to say? 00:53:41.630 --> 00:53:43.550 Well, when it's my life and it sucks. 00:53:43.789 --> 00:53:45.869 You know, when it comes to it, that's what you say. 00:53:46.750 --> 00:53:55.150 Well, and and it and it does, but I I I just make my life better. 00:53:55.470 --> 00:53:56.110 Yeah. 00:53:57.070 --> 00:53:58.750 Hey, never know. 00:53:59.150 --> 00:54:00.510 Shoot your shot. 00:54:01.309 --> 00:54:06.910 So when it when it comes to the finances, I think there is a way to slightly reframe this. 00:54:07.230 --> 00:54:12.430 Somebody who's sitting on, you know, a trust fund, you know, okay, they've got a bunch of money, that's great. 00:54:12.590 --> 00:54:14.590 Well, net worth is only one thing. 00:54:14.829 --> 00:54:18.670 Are you are you coming away each month, each year with

a net gain or a net loss? 00:54:18.750 --> 00:54:20.430 That's a whole different metric. 00:54:20.670 --> 00:54:24.670 There are people with a bunch of money that are slowly draining it because they're not being productive. 00:54:24.829 --> 00:54:30.110 And those those men are not particularly masculine in the process because they're not producing anything. 00:54:30.269 --> 00:54:30.510 Yeah. 00:54:30.590 --> 00:54:30.750 Yeah. 00:54:30.990 --> 00:54:36.430 If, however, I just went through a divorce and I basically, I, you know, like surfing term, I had a wipeout. 00:54:36.510 --> 00:54:40.510 You know, like I got knocked off my board, smacked on the sand at the bottom of the ocean. 00:54:40.590 --> 00:54:41.630 I'm like, ow. 00:54:42.030 --> 00:54:42.349 Yeah. 00:54:42.590 --> 00:54:43.230 Come back. 00:54:43.309 --> 00:54:45.950 I gotta I gotta take a breather for a second here. 00:54:46.110 --> 00:54:47.710 You know, I I had a wipe out. 00:54:47.789 --> 00:54:50.030 That doesn't mean I'm not a flipping surfer. 00:54:50.510 --> 00:54:53.309 That doesn't mean that I'm gonna give up on the waves. 00:54:53.390 --> 00:54:54.829 That's part of what happens. 00:54:55.070 --> 00:55:07.150 And I think, you know, when you bring to it, it's like, well, you know, I just went through a divorce, so you know, my, you know, I had a bit of a wipeout there financially, but I'm on track and I'm going and I'm rebuilding and I'm going where I want to go. 00:55:07.390 --> 00:55:15.390 Women don't necessarily I yeah, I mean, women care about the net worth, but more than that, they care about a man that's going somewhere with his finances. 00:55:15.630 --> 00:55:15.869 Right. 00:55:16.269 --> 00:55:19.309 What they want to know is that I'm providing a surplus every month. 00:55:19.470 --> 00:55:21.550 They know that that's what's really important. 00:55:22.030 --> 00:55:26.990 So when you present to them, it's like, yeah, I've got about I've got about$8,000 in my savings account right now. 00:55:27.070 --> 00:55:28.990 Like that's my total net worth. 00:55:29.390 --> 00:55:36.110 However, I'm adding to that$800 a month because I'm on a budget and I'm with the kids and we're making good decisions. 00:55:36.190 --> 00:55:38.990 It's like that is something to be proud of. 00:55:39.150 --> 00:55:39.470 Yeah. 00:55:39.710 --> 00:55:42.110 That that is exercising discipline. 00:55:42.269 --> 00:55:47.869 And any woman that listens to it, particularly if she's been through a divorce, she knows what the wipeout is. 00:55:48.030 --> 00:55:49.230 She knows it's traumatic. 00:55:49.550 --> 00:55:56.030 But if you're like, no, but I'm a guy that gets back up, gets in the saddle, and gets going in the direction that he wants to do. 00:55:56.110 --> 00:56:06.190 Because to your diagram, Rick, I don't stop moving and I don't start picking directions, and I'm gonna keep going there no matter how much this stuff gets thrown in my face. 00:56:06.430 --> 00:56:06.670 Right. 00:56:06.829 --> 00:56:07.550 Right, right. 00:56:07.710 --> 00:56:08.349 Yeah. 00:56:08.750 --> 00:56:11.470 So we're we're coming up on time here, guys. 00:56:11.550 --> 00:56:20.990 I wanted to to end on us giving what I'm calling a stability audit for for the for the dog for the dads listening. 00:56:21.309 --> 00:56:32.910 And that is that each one of us is gonna share one thing that that that that the dads can check on this week that is showing that they're they're stabilizing. 00:56:32.990 --> 00:56:34.990 And I'll I'll start and you while you guys think. 00:56:35.230 --> 00:56:39.869 And and that for me is are you making your bed every morning? 00:56:40.190 --> 00:56:44.190 It's very, very again, starting simple, right? 00:56:44.269 --> 00:56:46.510 Is your life in your life's in chaos? 00:56:46.670 --> 00:56:52.590 You got to get up, you're trying to figure out how to get breakfast for the kids, and then get to work, and then pick them up, and then the car doesn't start. 00:56:52.670 --> 00:56:54.990 And like, okay, but did you make your bed? 00:56:55.230 --> 00:57:03.070 Because that's one stable thing that you can do that is going to just provide a nice environment in your room. 00:57:03.230 --> 00:57:13.150 It's also going to demonstrate to your children that you that you are creating a nice environment that you are stable, that you are structured and disciplined. 00:57:13.390 --> 00:57:23.470 It sounds so stupid and so simple, but it is absolutely demonstrating so many things to yourself and to your family to do. 00:57:23.630 --> 00:57:26.030 So that that is my stability audit. 00:57:26.190 --> 00:57:29.230 Are you making your bed every single morning when you get out? 00:57:29.550 --> 00:57:29.869 Like it. 00:57:29.950 --> 00:57:30.110 Yep. 00:57:30.349 --> 00:57:30.670 Rick? 00:57:30.990 --> 00:57:31.470 Yep. 00:57:31.710 --> 00:57:33.390 So on a date, how about this? 00:57:33.550 --> 00:57:41.309 On a date, give her the space to be able to say what she wants to say and reiterate the experience. 00:57:41.550 --> 00:57:50.910 A lot of guys believe that filling the space with talking and talking, especially talking about their sports or the whatever interests them is a good date. 00:57:51.150 --> 00:57:55.710 And there is a quiet power to just being a good listener. 00:57:55.950 --> 00:57:59.150 And it's very powerful on dates. 00:57:59.789 --> 00:58:07.150 And to be able to do it requires that kind of confidence that comes from stability, meaning I I'm good. 00:58:07.309 --> 00:58:09.869 I don't need to say everything about everything. 00:58:09.950 --> 00:58:10.910 I'm I'm good. 00:58:11.070 --> 00:58:12.190 So how about you? 00:58:12.269 --> 00:58:13.390 How are you doing? 00:58:14.430 --> 00:58:19.789 Yeah, and listening, and listening is an excellent, it's an excellent antidote to needing to perform. 00:58:20.110 --> 00:58:21.869 Yeah, yeah, great point. 00:58:22.030 --> 00:58:22.910 Yeah, great point. 00:58:23.309 -->

00:58:25.309 Dallas, your stability audit. 00:58:25.550 --> 00:58:30.110 Okay, for me, the most stabilizing activity I do is being grateful for something. 00:58:30.349 --> 00:58:31.230 Yeah, good one. 00:58:31.550 --> 00:58:37.950 I would say for the dads out there, tell your children how grateful you are to have them in your life. 00:58:38.190 --> 00:58:38.510 Yeah. 00:58:38.670 --> 00:58:43.070 Tell tell them, you know, and when they're not there, make the gratitude statement. 00:58:43.150 --> 00:58:45.230 I'm I'm grateful that my children are healthy. 00:58:45.390 --> 00:58:48.030 I'm grateful that my children are still in the same state as me. 00:58:48.190 --> 00:58:50.750 I'm grateful that I get to see my kids as much as I do. 00:58:50.990 --> 00:58:52.030 Whatever it is. 00:58:52.190 --> 00:58:52.349 Yeah. 00:58:52.990 --> 00:58:56.190 Of course we can look at that the negative way, all the stuff you're not getting with them. 00:58:56.349 --> 00:59:06.030 But to look at it from the positive, grateful side, gratitude is what transforms the experience, or I should say, what chooses our experience from the event that happens. 00:59:06.190 --> 00:59:06.510 Yep. 00:59:06.670 --> 00:59:06.910 Yeah. 00:59:07.070 --> 00:59:07.309 Yep. 00:59:07.710 --> 00:59:13.470 And nothing's nothing stabilizes me more than than uh practicing and particularly articulating gratitude. 00:59:13.789 --> 00:59:14.030 Yeah. 00:59:14.269 --> 00:59:15.390 Good stuff, guys. 00:59:15.630 --> 00:59:15.950 Yeah. 00:59:16.269 --> 00:59:16.990 Fantastic. 00:59:17.230 --> 00:59:19.309 Rick, thank you so much for being here. 00:59:19.550 --> 00:59:24.430 Share with uh the dads how they can how they can touch base with with you. 00:59:24.750 --> 00:59:25.070 Okay. 00:59:25.230 --> 00:59:28.750 It's it's a bit of a long URL, but here it goes. 00:59:29.390 --> 00:59:29.550 Okay. 00:59:30.190 --> 00:59:35.550 Dot lifemaps.online forward slash podcast. 00:59:35.710 --> 00:59:37.710 I built a landing page just for us. 00:59:38.030 --> 00:59:49.470 And people can get on there and sign up and do this session with me where we go through the eight areas of your life and find that one leverage area that can bring up all the other areas. 00:59:49.950 --> 00:59:53.230 And if you don't want to do that, you can get a guide and learn about it. 00:59:53.309 --> 00:59:58.750 So map.lifemaps.online forward slash podcast. 00:59:58.990 --> 01:00:03.230 Otherwise, my counseling is touchbase counseling.com. 01:00:03.950 --> 01:00:04.269 Awesome. 01:00:04.990 --> 01:00:06.590 Honestly, I love doing coaching. 01:00:06.829 --> 01:00:07.630 Counseling's good. 01:00:08.030 --> 01:00:09.070 Coaching's better. 01:00:09.390 --> 01:00:11.230 Yeah, yeah, for sure. 01:00:12.110 --> 01:00:18.910 Well, and again, guys, if if you don't like any of the jokes that you heard today or ever, touch base with Rick. 01:00:19.070 --> 01:00:27.309 If you had a bad experience dating and you're blaming Dallas and I, just contact Rick and let him know because it's all his fault. 01:00:27.390 --> 01:00:28.110 So that's right. 01:00:28.269 --> 01:00:29.869 All right, gentlemen, thank you so much, Rick. 01:00:30.349 --> 01:00:33.070 It's such a pleasure to have you and take care. 01:00:33.309 --> 01:00:33.950 Thanks, guys. 01:00:34.110 --> 01:00:35.390 Thanks for coming on, Rick. 01:00:35.710 --> 01:00:36.349 All right.