KOPYA NG SALIN 🔗
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Giving my heart to you in this way doesn't feel shameful.
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It doesn't feel like a less important reason than me pursuing my pleasure.
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It actually feels selfless if you can't see them flipping my hair.
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And I'm basically the mother Teresa, is how that inconsequential piece feels.
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I'm Gabby, and you're listening to While I've Got You.
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Let's start the show.
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I've been sitting on this idea for quite some time now.
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It came to me when I asked myself the question: Am I actually ambitious or am I just afraid of being forgotten?
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I've always really resonated with Beyonce's song, I Was Here, when she says that she wants to leave her footprints on the sands of time.
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And so, on one hand, I can see where my ambition comes from.
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It comes from wanting to have a community and make an impact and hopefully leave people for the better.
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But I also know that there's a part of me that, like I mentioned in my last episode, that just wants to be heard.
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Whatever that means, whatever that says about me, whether it's vanity and fame that it sounds like I'm pursuing, part of me wants to be known.
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You can probably see why I've been sitting on this idea for a little while.
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It's such a messy topic, it feels like.
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And it wasn't until this week that I felt like I was maybe ready to sit down and chat with it, chat with you guys about it.
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This week I've been catching up on Abbott Elementary.
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Great show.
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If you haven't checked it out, you must.
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And I've gotten through the episodes where Gregory and Janine are planning their first couple's vacation, and things sort of turn into an argument, trying to decide whether they should fly or if they should drive.
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It causes a really big riff in their relationship, and it's not until the older, wiser character, Barbara, comes to offer some hard-earned wisdom to Janine that things sort of clicked and made me want to revisit this idea that I had written down and written about so long ago.
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She tells Janine that when these arguments in the relationship come up, she has to look at the why beneath the why.
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Such a simple concept.
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The what do you want?
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And then what do you actually want?
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For example, this podcast, the why that I would share with you, is simple.
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I enjoy talking, I enjoy being in conversation.
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And I want to build a community that gives people the space and the safe space to live in the both and.
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But the why beneath that feels a little bit messier.
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Am I just pursuing my passions or avoiding being inconsequential?
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Now, I also saw Wicker this week, which was completely different than what I initially expected it was going to be.
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It was really symbolic and powerful and wasn't just 50 shades of gray with like a wicker basket.
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So if you haven't seen it, I do recommend check it out.
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I would like to see it again because there were so many little things that I didn't pick up on that I would love to get the opportunity to notice again.
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But I saw Wicker this week and there's a scene, no spoilers, where the wicker man is talking about the duality of a path and the fact that you can be on a path coming from something or going towards something else.
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And the perspective of which is which and which one is happening all comes down to whoever's on the journey.
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So does my why beneath the why, does that second, more true, more authentic why come from an earnest pursuit of my passions?
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Does it come from the fear of being inconsequential, forgettable, unimpactful?
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Or is there just a messier third option in which I just feel the need to tie a purpose to my pleasure, to my passion?
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I think I'll probably jump back and forth between not wanting to be inconsequential and not wanting to be forgotten.
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And I think being forgotten is a lot more about other people and other people's memory.
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I'm thinking about, we just finished Halloween, and I'm thinking about um the day of the dead and the ofrenda and the importance and the some symbolism behind it of making sure that your family and those that have passed on are not forgotten, that they live on in the memories of the people that they leave behind.
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So forgotten is about other people, and inconsequential is about whether what you did and what you put into the world mattered.
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And so I feel a little bit of both of those.
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And so I will use them interchangeably, but I wanted to express that I know that they are different.
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If you're anything like me, then maybe you have found a new hobby or a new thing that sparks joy.
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And as soon as you got into it a little bit, you were like, How do we monetize this?
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How do we make this thing that I'm
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enjoying make money for me?
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And of course, a little bit of that has to do with the fact that I'm sure a vast majority of us are living in this economy and trying to sort up from down and left from right and figure out what our next step is.
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So trying to make the things that we enjoy when there is such limited time for joy, so much is dedicated to working and surviving, when there's so little joy, when you find something you do enjoy, for me, there's always been an inkling of, and how do I assign my joy a metric and make my joy work for me?
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Not necessarily a bad idea.
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I mean, I grew up with the adage, if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life.
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And then I started loving a lot of things and trying to make them be work.
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I think that both of those things, whether it's pursuing and doing this work for the love of the game, which absolutely exists, and also trying to put one foot in front of the other and create something that I can offer to the world, give to the world, and it be of consequence, is also an important factor.
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I think both of those things can be true and can exist.
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And there's nothing inherently wrong about the why beneath the why of either of those options.
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I don't think.
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What's that um Twilight quote of I never gave, I never gave any thought to the way that I would die, but dying in the place of someone I love feels like a good way to go, something like that.
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That's what what I want to create.
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That's what my initial why feels like.
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It feels like it's not a bad thing to be afraid of not leaving an impact on the world.
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This is my heart I'm putting out here.
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This is my soul that I put into these episodes.
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And I try to package them in a way that they are a true expression of myself, but also a love letter to you.
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Also a community building and space that I'm trying to have for you as well.
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And so giving my heart to you in this way doesn't feel shameful.
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It doesn't feel like a less important reason than me pursuing my pleasure.
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It actually feels selfless.
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If you can't see I'm flipping my hair, and I'm basically the mother Teresa, is how that inconsequential piece feels.
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I think the icky part comes from feeling like my passion or my pleasure has to be assigned some sort of metric and has to serve a purpose beyond my own contentment.
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And in doing so, I assign these arbitrary metrics of success that either stop me from having any joy or passion or pleasure or contentment in the thing that I am doing, or that put me in this waiting game of feeling like I can't start until it's perfect.
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I can't do this until I hit this moment.
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And I think that's where the icky part comes from, where the messiness happens.
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I think I've had to juggle that a little bit this week.
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It's been such a ridiculously chaotic week.
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It's been frustrating, it's been full of micromanaging and just irritating people.
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And I usually try to have this episode recorded by Wednesday night at the latest so I can record it, cut my clips, and start advertising it on Thursday.
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And I've been fairly consistent doing that, getting this episode out Thursday morning-ish, early afternoon, so that way you guys can enjoy it.
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But I have been so tired and so burned out this week.
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And if this is my love letter to you, I don't want to half-ass it.
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And yesterday I made the decision to go to bed early-ish, early for me.
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I made the decision instead of to push through and try to make this come together so that way I could follow arbitrary schedule that I set for myself and that I've convinced myself I'm too big or too in progress or too whatever to have diverted from.
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And I had to stop myself and just remember whichever the why beneath the why is, I'll try to stop saying it after.
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That'll be the last time, hopefully.
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Whatever the, okay, I'm about to say it again.
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Why beneath the why is, I'm losing the joy, I'm losing the contentment, I'm losing the passion that comes behind it.
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If I am so beholden to making this work and the purpose of this work tied to a metric, like releasing an episode every Thursday.
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I think the question is bigger than do I love it, love it?
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Or am I afraid of not having it?
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Am I afraid of what happens if I don't assign this purpose, assign this internal, external validation to this thing that I want to do, to my passion?
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I think it's a bigger question than that.
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I think it's whether or not it costs me anything.
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If it costs me the enjoyment and the contentment that this thing that I'm passionate about is supposed to bring me.
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So whether you're running from obscurity or you're running towards notoriety, whatever your version of that is and however it
shows up in your life, I think we all have goals and things that we're chasing after.
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I think we all have the why that we tell ourselves.
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And I think when you have a why or you have a dream or you have any sort of goal that you're pursuing, it's so easy to stop living for today.
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So easy to lose sight of the journey, to like lose the plot.
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And for me personally, my drive can get me so stuck and so beholden to whatever metrics, so beholden to looking at where I want this journey to go, looking at what success looks like for me, assigning it this weight that extends beyond the most important form of self-love and self-expression that I could ever have, which is to constantly be in pursuit of what brings me joy, of what brings me pleasure, what ignites my passions.
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A couple of years ago, I was going through this whole like revamp of my life leading up to the new year.
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This is probably, if I had to guess, maybe 2023 or 2024.
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All of December, I was taking every personality test that you could think of.
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I was looking at my birth chart and my like astrology and my zodiac.
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I was looking at um what kind of uh like manifesting generator I am, I can't remember what they're called.
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I was looking up all of these different things about my myself, my Enneagram, anything that I could think that might help me figure out what I wanted to pursue, what I wanted for the following year, and be able to set systems up and have things in place to get me to this unnamed summit that I knew I wanted to get to, but didn't know the right path, what was even at the top of the summit, nothing.
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I had none of that information.
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And so I was like, I'm starting from scratch.
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And in starting from scratch, I was talking to a friend who so beautifully reminded me that the challenge of life, the challenge of living, is enjoying the moment and being in the moment, appreciating the journey, like finding beauty and finding joy and finding love in the mundane, that the fulfillment of life doesn't come from hitting the next milestone.
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It doesn't come from accomplishing that goal.
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The difficult work in life is to find fulfillment in the day-to-day to that goal, in the journey to that goal.
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And especially because every attainment to the summit moves the moves the goalpost, moves the summit further away.
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So if you can't enjoy the journey to whatever your goal is, you'll get to that goal, accomplish it.
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The joy will be fleeting because you didn't allow yourself to feel it in the moments that it mattered, in the day-to-day.
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You held it away from yourself.
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You held yourself back from the joy, from the contentment of the journey, and told yourself that once you got there, once you got to that place, then you could celebrate.
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Once you got to that place, then you could have a little bit more joy.
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Once you got to this place, things would be better.
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And I think, and I'm working on trying to learn, like I said, this is to me, this is probably the most challenging part about living is to be present and in the now.
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But I think that with joy and with pleasure and with contentment in the mix, the journey becomes about a larger pursuit of pleasure and passion and the things that like set your soul on fire, and way less about the fear of being inconsequential.
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So, for anyone that is moving so fast that they haven't stopped to really brutally be honest about the why beneath your why.
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I'm sorry, I had to say it again.
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You haven't asked yourself, why do I want this?
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Why do I truly want this?
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Why am I doing it this way?
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If you haven't asked yourself, what does today offer me that might just last today?
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And if I'm so focused on what I might gain or what might be there waiting for me in the future and in what seems currently unattainable in the thing that you're working towards, what is the thing that you're gonna miss out to that already miss out on that already exists today that you can't see if you are not looking on your level, if you're only looking up into the future?
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Then ask yourself, how can you bring that contentment?
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How can you bring that pleasure?
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How can you bring that joy into this exact moment on your path towards your goals, on your path to wherever you see yourself at next, whether you are on your path toward something or on your path away from something?
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What I'm inviting you to notice is the day-to-day opportunities for that joy or finding contentment, even if it's in the little moments, even if you are content for 10 minutes a day drinking a coffee, like find that.
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Focus on those moments.
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And maybe if we stop asking ourselves these big life-altering questions, like, am I happy?
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Or what do I want to do with my life?
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We'll stop being so blocked from the task of pursuing pleasure every day in little ways.
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I'm starting to think, and I'm curious to find out as I
work on this, and maybe you'll be with me on this journey working on finding the little moments every day in a real way, not in a prescriptive, like meditate way, unless that's the way that you find contentment.
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I just mean instead of trying to see the big picture, or instead of letting a bad day or a too good day put you in a blue sky scenario in which you're only looking at how things could be better, and instead try to find ways to be so grounded in your body and in the moment that even on your worst days, you're like, but I'm here and I'm vibing.
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And I found a parking spot, and that was enough for today.
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It's making me, it's making me think of the cheetah girls and their song Cinderella.
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I can slay my own juggle.
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You know the vibes.
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It's making me think of um when they say my knight in shining armor is me and I'm gonna set me free.
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Like, yes, come on, Disney Channel, bringing it in hot and heavy, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
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And that's exactly what I am working on and trying to do.
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It's such a difficult thing to be both driven and grounded in the present moment, to be moving forward.
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Hey, come on, come on, witcher, not Witcher, come on, wicker, bring it back.
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To be moving forward and away from something and simultaneously right here, everywhere, all together, all at once, upside down.
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Like all of that is so difficult to do at one time.
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And I think maybe it happens in the little moments where we are pursuing pleasure for the sake of pleasure, passions for the sake of passions, contentment, finding contentment for the sake of being content, instead of having to assign some metric, instead of having to double down and ask our question of Am I doing this for love, for the love of the game?
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Is this really what I want?
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Or am I afraid of what I could end up not being?
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Yikes.
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Pause, pause a little bit on that.
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Am I afraid?
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Am I running from the thing that I could end up not being and missing all of the great, glorious, wonderful things I am right now?
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I think that the best form of self-care is finding the things that spark joy, is finding the things that bring you pleasure.
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I think that is the biggest form of self-care is having those moments and maintaining those moments, even finding those moments in the mundane.
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And I think that that's like the best way to fall in love with yourself.
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Like let your passions, let your pleasure, let all of that romanticize who you are in this moment.
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I think if I love myself, there's no running from being unknown.
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And there's no need to run towards being known.
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Because if I love myself, then the best person already knows and loves me.
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And that's me.
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I think this episode is all coming together to say, have your goals, do your thing, pursue your passions, let some of them exist outside of a metric of success, let some of them exist without feeling like they need to be monetized or for public consumption.
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Let some of them be for the sake of being and for yourself.
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And I think when you are looking at those things, when you are looking at all the areas in your life that have some sort of future thinking tied to them.
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And when you were asking yourself what the why beneath the why is, give yourself the space to be honest about what that is.
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I'm still learning and having a hard time putting myself out there and saying, not only do I want to create something and leave this world with something from me, like leave the world with something from me.
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Not only do I want to leave my footprints on the sands of time, I am also trying to be honest and open about what comes with that for me, what that looks like for me.
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And it is not a post-humorous acknowledgement.
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That's just the truth.
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I want to earn my flowers and I want them to be given to me while I am here on this earth.
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And I'm still learning to be comfortable enough with saying that.
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So when you're asking yourself that question, what is the why beneath the why?
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Give yourself the space to be honest.
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Like this is for you to know.
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Talk your shit, be honest about what you want and why you want it.
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Then leave a little bit of space for the fact that there's probably another why beneath that.
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Like we can keep digging and digging and digging.
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The duality of the path, whether you're coming or going, all depends on who's walking it.
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And from the inside, you might not even know which way you're facing.
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And that's okay too.
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Yesterday I needed to rest.
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And yesterday I needed to decompress and hang out on the couch watching traders and real.
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Housewives of Atlanta with my
roommate.
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Something that I am realizing is a guilty pleasure of mine is Real Housewives of Atlanta.
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And I needed that contentment.
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I found it yesterday.
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And today I'm here and I'm present and I'm showing up.
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And neither, neither of those days, neither of what happened takes away from the journey.
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It is the journey.
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And I can hold them both equally with the same weight, with the same appreciation for how I showed up both days, without letting the fear of being inconsequential, without letting the fear of being unknown, without letting the fear of maybe never getting to where I see myself get in the way of that or push me beyond where is good and healthy and purposeful in my life.
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And I'm not, and I did not let the arbitrary metrics or stats or whatever suck the joy out of this process of being here with you.
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I didn't let a little bit late publishing today stop me from feeling like I'm going towards my purpose, that I'm so lucky to be going towards something that I'm passionate about and the opportunity to do it all the days of my life.
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Since I'm still doing listener questions, my question for you to take with you into the week as I take it into mine is what does today have to offer you that might just last today?
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My answer to this question is I'm trying to enjoy the moments that I get home from being out, like out drinking with my friends.
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I usually try to eat before, unless we're going to go get dinner.
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If I eat before, I'll get something extra for later.
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And right now, the thing, the part of my journey that I'm in right now that's bringing me a lot of pleasure and making me feel real content is getting home early, late at night, early morning the next day, and eating like leftover chicken nuggets.
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I know that there will one day come a day.
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There will come a time where this body is not going to be able to process fried foods at one o'clock in the morning, at 2 a.m.
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So I'm sitting in that contentment and being appreciative of where I am in my journey right now, that I can eat chicken nuggies in the middle of the night.
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That is the stuff I'm talking about.
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You can add a little bit more weight and care behind that, but this is a live recording for me.
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This is a live recording for me.
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And so that's the example that came up in my mind.
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I was sitting on the couch maybe about two weeks ago eating leftover fries from McDonald's.
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And I was like, wow, one day I won't get to do this.
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One day I won't be able to.
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Whether it's I'm a parent and can't be out that late, whether someone is also on the couch with me and in my space when I just want to decompress and be antisocial for a little while after being out.
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Like I will never be in this moment again.
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And I want to honor it and enjoy it and find contentment in it.
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Thanks so much for listening to this episode.
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While I've got you, I want to quickly mention once again that I have a Substack.
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I'm going to work on getting a newsletter out.
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So if you want to be a part of conversations with me even more, you can find me on Substack at while I've got you pod, pod.substack.com, and you can subscribe to my newsletter.
00:25:32.240 --> 00:25:33.200
You can follow me over there.
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You're gonna also listen to this episode and all 20 of my other episodes wherever you get your podcast and streaming with video on the YouTube.
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I hope you enjoyed this episode, and I will see you next week.
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Bye.