KOPYA NG SALIN 🔗
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Hello, lovelies, and welcome to another episode.
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I am so excited for today's topic.
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We are covering how to have a relationship reset during the summer months.
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This is the perfect time to invest in your relationship differently so that you could take it to the next level.
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Usually, during the rest of the school year or regular work year, we get too busy to really focus intentionally on how we want our relationship to go and we end up creating an average relationship.
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So in today's episode, I'm going to show you what average looks like and then I'm going to show you what you need to do to reset during the summertime to create an extraordinary relationship.
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So we're going to take the love to the next level.
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Now I'm going to cover this topic by showing you the five areas of relationship that flow from our successful relationship strategy.
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There are five areas that I have identified as key areas in relationship that, when we invest in them, we create the changes that we want and we take our love to the next level.
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So I'm going to teach you the five areas.
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I'm going to show you how, in each area, an average relationship might play out and what it will look like in that particular area when the relationship is separating from the next level of love and up levels relationship, what that looks like.
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And then I'm going to show you how to intentionally invest in your relationship during this time to shift from ordinary to extraordinary.
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Okay, without further ado, here we go.
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The first area is your mindset, the context, the perspective that you bring to your relationship, how you choose to look at your partner, at your relationship, at your interactions, what belief systems you have, what perspectives you have, what lenses you use, what scripts, what mental baggage you bring to your relationship.
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That's creating the interactions and the circumstances that you have with your partner.
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Now, in this particular area, what partners do is that they have a tendency to not be fully accountable for themselves, to not be fully accountable for themselves.
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They blame their partner for what's happening, they point fingers, they don't own themselves, they accuse their partner of things, they make assumptions, they assign motives, so they're a little what we call dirty right.
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So they don't show up with the best way of looking at things, with grace, with perspective, with higher understanding, with a more compassionate approach.
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We're two people having a human experience here.
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Nobody's perfect.
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So what the partners do when they're in the average or ordinary relationship is that they're not fully accountable, not fully owning themselves.
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They are dismissing, passing on the bucket, like I said.
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I said emotives and like doing these things so that their partner is the reason why they're not happy, why things are not working.
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If the partner only changed, then things would be better.
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That's kind of like the perspective or approach here.
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The way that this might show up is that when there's an argument, let's say, the language is about accusation.
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It's about what the other person did or didn't do, where they are coming from, why they are doing things.
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They go in the person's circle.
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They assume they mind read.
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They think about why their partner might be doing things.
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So they are in their head.
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They think about what their partner should be doing.
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So they are owning their partner instead be doing things.
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So they're in their head.
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They think about what their partner should be doing.
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So they're owning their partner instead of themselves.
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They think about okay, they should be doing this, they should be doing that, they should be thinking this, they should be thinking that they should be feeling like this, they should be feeling like that.
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Right, so they are owning the other person.
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They are leaving their circle and they're going inside the other person's circle where all their stuff about themselves are and they are dictating how the other person should be operating.
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So they're disempowering themselves and they're disempowering their partner when they're doing that, because now their circle is empty, the other person's circle is crowded.
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So that dirty way of operating, making those assumptions, assigning those motives, being in the other person's circles, not being accountable for oneself but owning the other person, all that kind of stuff it's a way of being disempowered and creating friction with the partner.
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What happens also at this level, when we're more in the average way of operating, is that we have funky ways of looking at roles and expectations in relationships.
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So, like I said earlier, this particular area has to do with how we think and
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what beliefs we bring into the relationship.
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So we may look at things like expectations of our partner that are sexist, if you may, or very traditional there's nothing wrong with traditional, as long as it's not subservient right or disempowering of the other person and so what we want to do here is be on the lookout for those things.
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Anything that's disempowering for either partner doesn't serve right.
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So what are the expectations?
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What are the beliefs around marriage, commitments, different, the genders of the partners, money, power distribution, taking care of things.
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So what are the thoughts that the partners are bringing in that you, you might not fully drive with each other?
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They're not really expressed until you're playing out things that undercuts or undermines connection and each other's well-being and each other's empowerment, and so, unfortunately, that's how a lot of partners operate.
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That's what an average relationship looks like.
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All that stuff is unexamined and not addressed and not explicit, and they play a role in how the interactions play out and how things are set up in the home and in the relationship, and it doesn't really work.
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This is where the partners get stuck in impasses and in different ways of being in the relationship.
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That doesn't allow the individuals to grow, for the relationship to evolve and for their needs to be met, and there's a lot of fighting and not getting along, not progressing in life, all kinds of things, all kinds of ways that this plays out.
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Now, that's the average, ordinary way.
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This is the most common way that couples operate.
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Of course, there's a whole spectrum to everything, and everything that I said is not going to be 100% a couple right.
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So some of those things may apply, some of the things might not apply, but that flavor of that is what plays out.
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So what we want to do is up-level all of that.
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Change the mindset, one, and the ownership and accountability two, and the boundaries three, so that both of us are empowered.
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What does that mean?
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So, clearing up the expectations and having expectations that are realistic of a human being in the context of life, right, not having unrealistic expectations of how the person is supposed to be able to do things, how much they're supposed to do, how available they're supposed to be, all these kinds of things.
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So that's one, the expectations, and aligning with your beliefs around roles, around definitions of things commitment, marriage, like I was saying before, partnership spouses, long-term commitment, like what do these things mean to each of you?
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And so you take them to the next level.
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What is the highest perspective that you could take on all of those concepts?
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The definition of marriage, what's the highest level of how you could look at marriage, the purpose of marriage, how to be married, what marriage is supposed to do for a person and for a couple, right, sometimes we look at marriage as just the practical of life and how to just be in a long-term commitment.
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We miss the higher implication of marriage, the higher purpose for it, the higher union that is in the two people coming together and the purpose for it.
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So one of the things that we teach in our work is that that partnership is a vehicle for evolving ourselves as human.
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So talk about one of the highest perspectives that we could use marriage for the way to look at marriage.
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And so from that highest perspective, then everything that our partner does is for us, even if it doesn't feel so good, like, how do we take that?
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What's the gift in that for us?
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That's a much different way of looking at our partnership, our partner and our relationship in the gift that it is.
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So our partner is our life partner with a capital P.
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Our relationship is a playground for us to play and practice getting better at being human and playing on the game of life.
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Playing on the game of life, our marriage, the relationship, the commitment is all for us.
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In that container, in that arrangement, in that vehicle is the mechanism for us to get to have everything exposed.
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Play with process, addressed so that we see all the parts of ourselves, so that we integrate all the parts.
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All the things get triggers, all things get triggered, all the things get addressed, all the things get healed.
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You see, that's a much higher perspective and way of looking at our relationship.
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So that's one area in the relationship this is element one we call it, where we address the average way, the dirty way, and average doesn't necessarily mean bad, right, it could just be, it could be working fine for people, but the message that I'm offering is that it could be much better.
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So it might not be the worst and you might not be filing for divorce, but it's okay, right?
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And I'm offering that you could take it to the next level and really take things to epic love to next
level, love to like the much higher perspective and grander experience with your relationship and your life.
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That's what's on offer here today, and so with element one, we will go from average and ordinary to this higher perspective and way of looking at things and operating with that other lens, so that we go to the next level.
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Now some exercises that you could do here to help with this is explore some of the expectations and meanings that you have around concepts about relationship, so long-term commitment, marriage, spouse relationship, exclusivity, genders, roles, wife, husband, whatever, right?
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So all of the different roles.
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Just play with what they mean for you and see if there's anything funky in there, right, so, but be honest so you get something out of the exercise.
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Define it to the fullest, go to the bottom of the expectations and meaning and assumptions and beliefs that you have.
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You might unearth some things that you're carrying, some blueprints that you're carrying from how your parents' marriage played out or all the things that you see in life, and see how they need to be cleaned up and updated and upgraded so you fully own those beliefs and those expectations and then you could share them with your partner and you could flesh them out together, you could clean them up together, you could align on things and then operate from a higher level of looking at things.
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Okay, so that's element one.
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Element two has to do with communication and alignment.
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Now, notice that I'm sharing an ordinary, an average relationship.
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I'm not describing the worst.
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When people are like really in bad, bad shape and they're barely making it, obviously the things that I'm describing could be really bad, right.
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So the other way on the spectrum, so, for example, with the mindset one, you could add farther down the spectrum, on the negative side, if people are really really struggling, things like distrust, disloyalty, cheating, betrayal, like all kinds of things in there, like the way that people operate, accusing, hiding things, lying, operate, accusing, hiding things, lying, like all just this funky behavior, right?
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So there's a whole spectrum here.
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I'm going to go in the middle of the way and then have to upgrade things, assuming that your relationship is in pretty okay shape and you just want to take things to the next level.
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If you are on the other side of the spectrum, all these things still apply to you.
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Just know that that suffering is going to be a little more intense for you.
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It makes complete sense.
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There's no shame in any of this, and we just have to take the things that I'm offering to heart more in terms of do that little deeper work and you might need support.
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Right, you can't potentially just do this on your own.
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You might need to get individual sessions with us, private sessions or with anybody to help you do the work if you need it.
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If you're struggling when it comes to communication, the way that an average or ordinary relationship looks like in terms of communication is that the communication is fairly superficial.
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Is that the communication is fairly superficial?
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It's functional.
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It focuses on the practical of life, on the logistics, on getting things done.
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It might address some things People share things, stories of every day and just some things that are happening.
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You might find that that sometimes you have like miscommunications, that you don't fully align with things, that you misinterpret things, that you have bad communication habits.
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We have a blog post that lists all the I think we call them the dirty dust of communication.
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So it shows you all the different ways that we think that we're communicating properly but we're totally not, and also some of the skills and tools that you might need to upload your communication.
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So I'll link that for you.
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And it's just some bad communication habits, like walking away when somebody's talking, interrupting them, looking away, not giving eye contact, not showing that you're understanding what's being said, just all kinds of things.
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This is how most people communicate most of the time, not very ideal for getting on the same page and feeling heard and feeling understood and really bonding and getting to know each other, which is what an extraordinary relationship would have.
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We take those things for granted, that those things should be given.
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We communicate at a much superficial, bland, practical, everyday kind of level.
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Now I'm not saying that you should go to, or what I'm offering is that we should go to this depth of processing and communication and being intimate emotionally in every conversation.
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Right, that's not practical for everyday life, but a lot of couples never go there or hardly ever go there and so they are missing that depth to knowing and understanding each other and to feeling more connected and more on the same page and understood and gotten and cherished and just being bonded right.
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The whole thing is out the window when we barely touch base or barely connect on things, and again, that's pretty much what an average couple does.
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If you're struggling, then you have the escalated fights, the bigger fights, the really crazy communication with really damaging language and damaging way of speaking.
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I mean, then it goes the other way, right?
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So what we want to do here is clean this up, put better habits in place, more tools in place, more intentionality in place.
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So the ordinary version of this I described it as kind of bland.
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In a nutshell, the extraordinary version of it the partners are very intentional about going deeper into topics, being curious, making sure that they really understand their partner, being attuned, using all the communication tools and skills so that they're really in sync and on the same page about whatever they are addressing.
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Even the basic communication goes smooth, and I'm not suggesting perfection, because nobody's perfect and we're all human and we all have moments in life where things are a little wonky right.
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Those are far and few between, they're not the norm.
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So you line up on the communication, these partners.
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They feel that the partner really gets them, that they synchronize much easier.
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If there is a little bump on the road, they're much quicker to repair, they know how to repair, they know how to apologize, they have meaningful apologies, they have mechanisms for more easily making decisions, for collaborating in terms of making choices and solving problems and repairing this moment of disconnect or friction.
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So all these things, regular basic communication, just goes to the next level, where the partners are really in sync and really smooth on the same page.
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So for this one, the takeaway is to check out those resources for communication tools and skills so that you could start cleaning yourself up and putting in place better tools and better skills and better know-how so that you can more easily get on the same page and have smoother interactions that just take things to a deeper level when needed and that prevent friction and problems and miscommunication and issues in the everyday.
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Okay, so that was element two.
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All that information flows from our area of relationship that we call element two.
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The third one is clarity and dynamics.
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This one has to do with how we repeat patterns.
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What happens a lot is that we might get triggered in our relationship.
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We have our flavor of sensitivities, our partner has theirs, everybody has theirs, and when we're in relationship with our partner, the way that they tend to show up is practically for us right.
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When we are sensitive, when we're not resourced in general but a lot of times we can manage things better and then when we do our work, we are less and less and less sensitive and hypersensitive to these things.
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But in these moments when we might get triggered, what happens is that we respond in a way that our partner gets triggered back and then they respond to that trigger in a way that triggers us back and we get stuck in this loop.
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And that's our dynamics and that's how these are the patterns.
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Now, patterns have to do with that the triggers, how things play out and we keep looping, but also things that repeat, like the same issues that we keep having or the same circumstances that keep coming up.
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So it shows up in other, different ways the patterns.
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But when I'm talking about patterns and dynamics, I'm referring to this thing there's something that gets triggered and a partner gets triggered back and we just keep triggering each other, or we might address it, but very superficially, so nothing gets healed and fully repaired.
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So we continue to walk around with the same wound and the same sensitivities and the same triggers and we don't make any progress.
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And so this is where the beauty of a relationship is, where the big mechanism, the gift that's our partner, is perfectly tailored to trigger our stuff so that we have the opportunity to address them and heal them right and grow from them.
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So, with this, what we want to do actually before I give you what we want to do is I want to describe the average first.
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Do actually, before I give you what we want to do, is I want to describe the average first.
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So the average couple, the ordinary couple.
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The way that this will play out is that they might get into a tiff or they might get hurt and again they address it superficially or not fully, and then they might not feel fully resolved at the end of the conversation.
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They might not even bring up that they're triggered or upset about something or that they don't like something, or they might bring it up in a feisty way and then a fight happens and they might stop the fight moment, so it doesn't get too bad, but they don't fully resolve it.
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They don't fully address what's underneath.
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So they might bypass the moment, either by not saying anything or by barely addressing it, where one person might apologize or acknowledge it quick, whatever, and then move on.
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But they don't go to the depth of like, okay, what got triggered, what is happening, what's coming up, how is this a pattern, what is the depth of this and what's needed instead.
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Right, so that's now we start moving into the higher level.
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So they do the more superficial version of this.
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So, again, either they don't address it or they barely address it and it's not sufficient to make any kind of changes or evolution in a relationship where they're struggling.
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The triggers are explosive, much bigger, much more frequent, much more intense.
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It's much harder to repair.
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They barely there's barely repair acknowledgement.
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People have give the cold shoulder, the cold treatment, or they break up, they get back together.
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It's all this drama.
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So like, really like nuttiness is happening, like more chaos and drama.
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And they're messy, they're hurt a lot of the times.
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They're dissatisfied a lot of the times they're struggling a lot of the times they're dissatisfied a lot of the times you're struggling a lot of the times and there's a lot of up and down.
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They're great, they're not okay.
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They're great, they suck, like this kind of feeling, and they they have a big question mark on their relationship.
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They don't know if this is what they want, they don't know if they want to stay in it and they just struggle.
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So that's what the other side looks like now.
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On the every day we might have, like I said, this kind of like okay, barely addressing things or getting over things or not addressing things, and we forget about them.
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We'll put them to the side, like you know that kind of stuff, and then until the next fight, or until the next argument, until the next trigger and with this agreement, it's not really a big fight because we manage ourselves right, so it's like an average relationship.
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We're ordinary.
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It's not really a big fight because we manage ourselves right, so it's like an average relationship.
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We're ordinary, it's not terrible, but we're making do.
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Now, the extraordinary version of this is you go much deeper, right?
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So this is where a lot of clients get to.
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They start doing this deeper work, where the conversations they go to.
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That meaning those emotional patterns, those
mental patterns, those mindsets, those perspectives, the emotional feelings, the wounds that keep repeating what is the wound, the core wound that they're carrying, that keeps getting poked by the most innocuous of things, and so they, they tune in, they figure okay.
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So how is this about me?
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What's happening for me?
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How do I address it?
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What I need to give to myself?
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How do I reframe this?
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How do I soothe this?
00:25:36.000 --> 00:25:36.842
What do I do with this?
00:25:36.842 --> 00:25:53.381
Whatever it is and depending on what's coming up then, how much of that, how do I package it and how much of that do I share with my partner so that they are in the know and they could make amends, they could help, they could help repair, heal.
00:25:54.863 --> 00:25:56.373
When we do that for each other, in that stretch, we're growing.
00:25:56.373 --> 00:25:56.994
We are evolving in the healing.
00:25:56.994 --> 00:25:57.416
We're both evolving.
00:25:57.416 --> 00:25:58.540
We're both becoming more whole, we're more integrated.
00:25:58.540 --> 00:25:59.664
We're growing, we are evolving in the healing.
00:25:59.664 --> 00:26:00.268
We're both evolving.
00:26:00.268 --> 00:26:02.773
We're both becoming more whole, we're more integrated.
00:26:02.773 --> 00:26:04.357
We address projections.
00:26:04.357 --> 00:26:09.280
We see what, what, what things we we are assigning to our partner.
00:26:09.280 --> 00:26:10.285
Meanwhile they are ours.
00:26:10.285 --> 00:26:13.135
Those are shadows and projections, things that we don't own like.
00:26:13.396 --> 00:26:22.250
There's so much deeper work here, so that that extraordinary relationship is taking a moment to process at a slightly deeper level, right.
00:26:22.250 --> 00:26:24.837
So I just gave a lot of clinical language there.
00:26:24.837 --> 00:26:35.433
If you're more of a lay person and you're not getting private support with therapy or coaching, then you might not have some of that language, but it's fine, right?
00:26:35.433 --> 00:26:41.944
The point is to pause and take a moment to access the deeper stuff.
00:26:41.944 --> 00:26:46.138
What is coming up, what can I connect that to?
00:26:46.138 --> 00:26:55.903
What is the need around that thing and how do I consciously get that need met, and intentionally, as opposed to haphazardly, by default and by doing funky business?
00:26:55.903 --> 00:27:01.184
So that's what the extraordinary relationship relationship does.
00:27:01.184 --> 00:27:11.162
They take things a little deeper, they analyze at that deeper level, they do their side for themselves with it, they bring into the relationship and do the relational part with it, with their partner.
00:27:12.647 --> 00:27:14.634
Every conversation doesn't have to be a therapy session.
00:27:14.634 --> 00:27:17.490
Every conversation doesn't have to go to all the depths.
00:27:17.490 --> 00:27:20.800
Every single issue doesn't have to be this much work, right?
00:27:20.800 --> 00:27:30.413
We use a judgment when things could be let go, when things need to be addressed only within ourselves, when things need to be brought to our partner to what level?
00:27:30.413 --> 00:27:30.535
Right.
00:27:30.535 --> 00:27:38.761
So you use your judgment in terms of how much you invest into each thing, the timing of it, the depth of it, intensity of it, whatever depends on what's happening, how important the thing is about.
00:27:38.761 --> 00:27:42.792
The depth of it, intensity of it, whatever depends on what's happening, how important the thing is.
00:27:42.792 --> 00:27:47.698
So you create what you want and you put as much effort, as little effort as makes sense for you and your relationship.
00:27:47.698 --> 00:27:50.621
But that's what the extraordinary couple would do.
00:27:50.621 --> 00:28:01.038
They would invest in the depths, in the richness of this, so they're more intimate with their partner partner.
00:28:01.038 --> 00:28:06.759
They know each other at the deeper level, at the more soul level, at the more essence right.
00:28:06.759 --> 00:28:15.809
They are a unit, a true partnership in healing, growing and evolving and becoming their best human self and having the best human experience.
00:28:15.950 --> 00:28:34.997
That's the whole point of this, okay, so so as an exercise for this, as a takeaway, something that you can start doing to take this area, this element, to the next level, is to start paying attention to what are the themes, the things that come up, what's the repeating fight that you have?
00:28:34.997 --> 00:28:47.538
What are the specific things that you're hypersensitive to or that you're finicky about or that you have sensitivities about, what are the things that really annoy you about your partner?
00:28:47.538 --> 00:28:51.902
Just find the patterns and grab as many of these patterns as possible.
00:28:51.902 --> 00:29:07.036
Make a list, grab all the things and do this kind of exploration, brain dump thing and track it and log it and observe, right, and then see is there a pattern to the patterns?
00:29:07.036 --> 00:29:09.000
Can you see like what?
00:29:09.000 --> 00:29:10.663
What do you see right?
00:29:10.663 --> 00:29:10.843
What?
00:29:10.843 --> 00:29:12.251
What things jump at you?
00:29:12.251 --> 00:29:19.311
What can you identify as like oh, if I had to pick one thing, this thing is like oh, this is the thing that gets me right.
00:29:19.311 --> 00:29:20.714
So that's one thing that you could do.
00:29:20.714 --> 00:29:38.738
See if you could grab a pattern that kind of grabs all the other patterns too, if you may, or a pattern that's like you might find that you have a few, but this particular one is like oof, if I address this one, I'm going to be pretty, pretty, pretty good shape If I remove this thing.
00:29:38.738 -->
00:29:41.241
Like most of the things will fall off right.
00:29:41.241 --> 00:29:46.684
Like most of the other things are like eh, whatever, they're not that big of a deal.
00:29:46.684 --> 00:29:47.490
That kind of concept, right?
00:29:47.490 --> 00:29:53.135
So just use your judgment in terms of how do you process what you captured and what you want to focus on.
00:29:53.135 --> 00:29:58.753
Then you're going to play with that pattern, you're going to observe how does it show up where?
00:29:58.994 --> 00:30:00.656
What discussions do you need to have with your partner?
00:30:00.656 --> 00:30:02.500
What journaling do you need to do?
00:30:02.500 --> 00:30:04.703
Do you need to discuss it with your therapist?
00:30:04.703 --> 00:30:11.992
Do you need to bring into couples therapy?
00:30:11.992 --> 00:30:12.935
Do you need to read on it?
00:30:12.935 --> 00:30:13.880
Do you need to learn a skill on it?
00:30:13.880 --> 00:30:15.505
Do you need to do psychosomatic work on it?
00:30:15.505 --> 00:30:16.729
Do you need to do some tapping on it?
00:30:16.729 --> 00:30:19.836
Do you need to use other tools to regulate and heal and release things?
00:30:19.836 --> 00:30:24.810
So there might be a bunch of different modalities that you could apply and you don't have to apply all.
00:30:24.810 --> 00:30:43.121
But there's different things that you could do to release, to reprogram, to heal, to let go, to regulate, to repattern, to rewire or to reconstruct within yourself, to rebuild you, literally right From your brain to your nervous system, to all the things.
00:30:43.121 --> 00:30:47.401
The patterns are not just behaviors, not just thoughts and not just feelings.
00:30:47.401 --> 00:30:54.523
They are literally also how your body is constructed, where that stuff sits in your body, the energy.
00:30:54.523 --> 00:30:57.298
So we're working at a lot of different levels here.
00:30:57.298 --> 00:31:04.163
So you choose what's calling to you, what's resonating, at what level you need to work, at what level you want to address this, and then you go.
00:31:04.163 --> 00:31:05.913
Have fun, you play with it, okay.
00:31:05.913 --> 00:31:08.619
So that's a takeaway for that one, okay.
00:31:09.221 --> 00:31:12.595
The next one is element connection and intimacy.
00:31:12.595 --> 00:31:15.801
So this is the funner one of all the other ones.
00:31:15.801 --> 00:31:25.513
The other ones I feel like work and this one is more whatever fun is now at the ordinary or average level.
00:31:25.513 --> 00:31:33.805
What this looks like is that partners don't spend that much time together or they spend a lot of time together but they're not really connecting.
00:31:33.805 --> 00:31:35.310
They're just in the same space.
00:31:35.310 --> 00:31:37.377
That's one.
00:31:37.377 --> 00:31:40.366
Two there's little affection.
00:31:40.366 --> 00:31:49.617
Three there's little physical intimacy like actual physical interactions, consummations, having sexy time.
00:31:49.617 --> 00:31:56.260
The next one is they don't have much fun together.
00:31:56.260 --> 00:31:58.816
Flirting got lost.
00:31:58.816 --> 00:32:02.916
Conversations are superficial, interactions are superficial.
00:32:02.916 --> 00:32:19.519
They might be out of the loop on things in knowing about their partner and being emotionally intimate and in the know and in sync with how the partner's feeling, how the partner's looking at things, what the partner is experiencing, the partner's looking at things, what the partner is experiencing.
00:32:19.519 --> 00:32:21.284
So there's a disconnect.
00:32:21.284 --> 00:32:24.472
So they're just a lot of different things that just they're just there.
00:32:24.472 --> 00:32:26.778
So they might have basic time together.
00:32:26.778 --> 00:32:28.082
They might have some fun together.
00:32:28.082 --> 00:32:28.281
They.
00:32:28.281 --> 00:32:34.417
They have okay sex in okay enough frequency, like everything's just okay.
00:32:35.799 --> 00:32:43.134
Now people who are struggling, they go the other way and they are feeling totally alone, totally disconnected.
00:32:43.134 --> 00:32:44.277
They barely have any sex.
00:32:44.277 --> 00:32:46.300
They.
00:32:46.300 --> 00:32:54.553
They can't have fun together whenever they try to have time together, there's fighting, arguing, things might really escalate.
00:32:54.553 --> 00:33:00.238
They don't know how to have fun, they don't have adventures, they don't have common experiences, they don't create memories right.
00:33:00.238 --> 00:33:07.304
There's no celebrations, no rituals, no gifts, no, just there's just no good stuff.
00:33:07.304 --> 00:33:22.519
I don't know how else to describe it, just like it's kind of bland, so that's when the relationship is struggling, then the more normal when I just described the very, very bland, the extraordinary relationship in turn.
00:33:22.519 --> 00:33:33.036
Now, the adventures are there, the memories are there, the rituals are there, the celebrations are there, the daily connection is there, the affection is there, the sex, intimacy is there.
00:33:33.036 --> 00:33:34.675
Sex to the next level is there.
00:33:34.675 --> 00:33:41.855
The passion, the interest, the fun, the flirting, the playfulness, all these things are there.
00:33:41.855 --> 00:33:47.422
That's what the extraordinary relationship feels and looks like.
00:33:48.509 --> 00:34:27.655
So the takeaway with this one is to explore with each other how is our intimacy, how is our fun, our rhythms, our rituals, our practices, our celebrations, and just kind of have, have a chat, do a state of the union kind of conversation about how is this area feeling and brainstorm how can we make it better, what would be fun, what would be exciting, what would be sexy, what would be more, what would be exciting, what would be sexy, what would be more romantical, what are some of the things that you guys would expect to have in connection, and how do you take them to the next
level?
00:34:27.655 --> 00:34:41.764
Now I focus more on the fun side of that, but a lot of times when people are in the ordinary version of the relationship, the emotional connection is was missing, not so much the fun comes after, right.
00:34:41.764 --> 00:34:47.425
So if you're not feeling emotionally connected, you can't go have fun or be physically intimate and have the best sex.
00:34:47.425 --> 00:34:52.257
So then we started there, right?
00:34:52.257 --> 00:34:53.699
So how can we have more intimate conversations?
00:34:53.699 --> 00:34:55.724
How can we have more intimate conversations?
00:34:55.724 --> 00:34:57.967
How can we have more connection habits?
00:34:57.967 --> 00:35:03.318
How can we build in things that would enrich our time together?
00:35:03.318 --> 00:35:05.498
How do we protect our time together?
00:35:05.498 --> 00:35:07.217
How do we set up time together?
00:35:07.217 --> 00:35:10.597
How do we schedule sexy time?
00:35:10.597 --> 00:35:11.581
Don't shoot the messenger.
00:35:11.581 --> 00:35:19.561
Schedule the one time a week so you have at least some, and then the rest could be all spontaneous, right so?
00:35:19.561 --> 00:35:22.597
But at least you have the one if you don't have, if you're not having any.
00:35:22.597 --> 00:35:29.114
So when the idea of scheduling sexy time, people cringe at that.
00:35:29.114 --> 00:35:36.880
But that's just so that people who don't have any have at least some, and then it doesn't mean that that's the only kind that you have and the only one that you have.
00:35:36.880 --> 00:35:39.023
Okay, it's just a little clarification there.
00:35:39.023 --> 00:35:44.730
So you do that and you have appreciation session.
00:35:44.829 --> 00:35:51.643
There's so many different ways to enrich the relationship and to add more emotional connection and more intimacy.
00:35:51.643 --> 00:35:54.338
So explore these.
00:35:54.338 --> 00:35:59.373
You might want to do it first like a little exploration for yourself, like, hmm, how am I feeling about things?
00:35:59.373 --> 00:36:01.219
What are the areas that are bugging me?
00:36:01.219 --> 00:36:02.851
What would I want a little bit more?
00:36:02.851 --> 00:36:04.434
What am I longing for?
00:36:04.434 --> 00:36:05.597
What would I love?
00:36:05.597 --> 00:36:08.291
How do I want to really enjoy and feel my partner?
00:36:08.291 --> 00:36:13.902
Then get a handle on that idea and then invite your partner into a conversation.
00:36:13.902 --> 00:36:20.757
The reason why I suggested that is because sometimes we might go in like, ah, what are all these things right?
00:36:20.757 --> 00:36:26.278
And our partner feels attacked or not good enough or that they're lacking, and then it's not a very pretty productive conversation.
00:36:26.278 --> 00:36:27.594
It kind of makes things worse.
00:36:27.594 --> 00:36:35.309
And so go in, gentle, right, curious, inviting and sharing, sharing the longing.
00:36:35.309 --> 00:36:42.056
No criticism, no shaming, no blaming, none of the funky business and just an invitation for more.
00:36:42.056 --> 00:36:46.778
So that's the fun there.
00:36:46.778 --> 00:36:47.641
So play with that.
00:36:47.641 --> 00:36:51.432
How do we take things to the next level Now.
00:36:51.452 --> 00:37:12.443
So that was element four, and now we're going to go into element five, which is collaboration and partnership, and in this one, what the ordinary average relationship looks like is that the partners manage the business of life the best that they can.
00:37:12.443 --> 00:37:14.789
They grind day in and day out.
00:37:14.789 --> 00:37:17.597
They have some responsibilities that they kind of know.
00:37:17.597 --> 00:37:23.039
I do these things, he or she does these things and you wing things as you go.
00:37:23.039 --> 00:37:39.855
You might have some systems, you might have some ideas of division of labor who does what kind of thing and you might have some goals as to like, okay, when and how your vacation, or what kind of things you want to achieve in life, and kind of what.
00:37:39.855 --> 00:37:57.762
You're shooting for some idea where your finances are, how things are going, what, maybe some financial goals, and where you want to go, plans for the future, when you want to buy your home or the next home, or projects that you might want to do.
00:37:57.762 --> 00:37:59.396
So you might have some idea about these things.
00:37:59.396 --> 00:38:02.195
A lot of times people don't.
00:38:02.195 --> 00:38:04.338
So that's the average relationship.
00:38:06.030 --> 00:38:08.900
If you're struggling, all of these things are a question mark.
00:38:08.900 --> 00:38:11.757
You don't know the answer to any of these things.
00:38:11.757 --> 00:38:15.119
Some of these things are secrets or hidden stuff.
00:38:15.119 --> 00:38:16.795
There's betrayal here.
00:38:16.795 --> 00:38:22.960
One partner takes care of a lot of things, the other one doesn't do anything, so it's a lot of codependence and lopsided things.
00:38:22.960 --> 00:38:33.652
Here's where you see how addictions affect the relationship, how much you could count on your partner, how much they're able to do and handle the codependent partners.
00:38:33.652 --> 00:38:38.338
They're scared of a lot of things and they over-function.
00:38:39.190 --> 00:38:41.436
And this is where you see all the funkiness of life play out.
00:38:41.436 --> 00:38:48.980
The home is in disarray, there is a lot of debt, there's a lot of illnesses, things don't work.
00:38:48.980 --> 00:38:50.295
There's a lot of messes.
00:38:50.295 --> 00:38:53.398
The partnership doesn't work well.
00:38:53.398 --> 00:39:02.835
There is a grind Not grinding the way that we use it in business Like oh well, grinding and I didn't make it, you know, working hard.
00:39:02.835 --> 00:39:09.721
Like a grind, like difficulty, like things, like the gears don't turn properly, it's not smooth, right, it's challenging.
00:39:09.721 --> 00:39:14.105
That's
when the relationship is struggling, like everything's messy and chaotic.
00:39:14.105 --> 00:39:16.802
The regular relationship or the average relationship.
00:39:16.802 --> 00:39:30.177
The average relationship, the ordinary relationship most things work okay, right, there's not no big problems, things are in order, things are progressing, life is good, things are working fine, perfect.
00:39:31.260 --> 00:39:37.958
In the extraordinary relationship, the partners have visions, they have purpose, they have big goals.
00:39:37.958 --> 00:39:42.271
They have purpose, they have big goals, they have things that they're working towards.
00:39:42.271 --> 00:39:45.199
There's direction, there's a way that they do life.
00:39:45.199 --> 00:39:58.431
There's a specific division of labor, so they know what everybody's supposed to do, what everybody has agreed to do, what's the pieces of the relationship and the admin of life that they carry.
00:39:58.431 --> 00:40:01.077
There is a smooth collaboration.
00:40:01.077 --> 00:40:03.101
There's partnership right.
00:40:03.101 --> 00:40:13.590
They work to their strengths, they use their skills, they use their internal and external resources to make the relationship and the joint life work better.
00:40:13.590 --> 00:40:15.431
There is a joint vision.
00:40:15.431 --> 00:40:16.972
There are shared goals.
00:40:16.972 --> 00:40:18.094
Life worked better.
00:40:18.094 --> 00:40:18.733
There is a joint vision.
00:40:18.733 --> 00:40:19.255
There are shared goals.
00:40:19.255 --> 00:40:19.954
There's amazing parenting.
00:40:19.954 --> 00:40:21.755
There's an amazing loving home.
00:40:21.755 --> 00:40:31.601
Things work well, things are smooth, people are healthy and have vitality and things work well and there is abundance.
00:40:32.481 --> 00:40:41.807
And it doesn't mean that listen, the starting of a relationship doesn't mean that it's perfect and doesn't mean that things don't go wrong and that life doesn't happen to them.
00:40:41.807 --> 00:40:52.800
The thing is that they're set up so well and they have such a good system and they're doing their work and they're investing in the things that they could handle things so much better, so they don't get knocked out as much.
00:40:52.800 --> 00:40:55.237
They don't get thrown off.
00:40:55.237 --> 00:40:57.878
I mean, life happens and they deal with it.
00:40:57.878 --> 00:41:08.380
It's much easier because they have the stuff in place and they have the partnership and the bond and all the resources and they've done their work that they could handle things easier.
00:41:08.380 --> 00:41:23.072
They are inspiring as individuals and as a couple, as a family, couple, as a family.
00:41:23.072 --> 00:41:23.972
They just have.
00:41:23.972 --> 00:41:27.581
Their homes are just peaceful, harmonious, inviting, welcoming, pretty right, all the things.
00:41:27.581 --> 00:41:30.487
So that's what's on offer Now for this one.
00:41:30.608 --> 00:41:39.324
If you're operating at the lower levels, then the key is to have conversations around how do we get on the same page?
00:41:39.324 --> 00:41:47.012
Let's explore division, the goals, the systems, the structures, the routines, the division of labor.
00:41:47.012 --> 00:41:48.557
How do we collaborate better?
00:41:48.557 --> 00:41:54.202
So these are all different things that can be put in place so that you could take things to the next level.
00:41:54.202 --> 00:41:59.059
Okay, so quick recap.
00:42:01.190 --> 00:42:17.938
Element number one was context and mindset, and that's where we clean up how we look at things, our belief systems, our expectations and our boundaries, our ownership, so that we don't create friction and stuckness and impasses and keep ourselves small.
00:42:17.938 --> 00:42:21.318
Number two communication and alignment.
00:42:21.318 --> 00:42:32.664
This is where we up-level all of the ways that we communicate, from apology to repair, to problem solving, to communicating more deeply and more meaningfully All of the things.
00:42:32.664 --> 00:42:46.150
Number three is clarity and dynamics, and this one has to do with addressing all of the patterns right, all the emotional patterns, the mental patterns, all the different ways in that we might get in our way.
00:42:46.150 --> 00:42:56.110
We get triggered and we create funky loops and we get stuck in the loops and we don't resolve things and we keep ourselves small in that way, just repeating things that are unpleasant.
00:42:56.110 --> 00:42:58.092
So small in that way, just repeating things that are unpleasant.
00:42:58.092 --> 00:43:07.065
And in that one, when we crack that, the way of doing that is just by meeting our needs, and in that was healing and growth when we meet ours and our partners.
00:43:07.065 --> 00:43:14.362
So that's definitely a beautiful place to play in.
00:43:14.362 --> 00:43:22.505
The next one is connection and intimacy, and here's where we're building all the fun, all the depth and the richness to our togetherness, the definition of us and all the memories and all the fun things.
00:43:22.505 --> 00:43:31.112
And the last one is collaboration and partnership, and this is how we co-create our life experience and our grand life adventure.
00:43:32.817 --> 00:43:40.980
So the next thing that I want to share with you before we go is how to use this summer or any period of time.
00:43:40.980 --> 00:43:46.121
I like summer because there's more spaciousness, there's more sun, there's more fun.
00:43:46.121 --> 00:43:58.746
It's like that we're in the mindset, in the energy of woohoo, and so that's a good energy to kind of ride to help us with this, right?
00:43:58.746 --> 00:44:00.416
So it's the perfect time to have a reset.
00:44:00.416 --> 00:44:06.016
It doesn't mean that this is the only time that you could do a relationship reset, and I talk about this all the time.
00:44:06.016 --> 00:44:17.498
We could do resets at any transition times, from month to month, from week to week, from quarter to quarter, beginning of a year, a birthday, anniversaries, whatever, whenever we want to, or any old day, just because right, whenever we decide to.
00:44:17.498 --> 00:44:21.797
So don't let that the timing be a thing.
00:44:21.797 --> 00:44:30.693
It's just a fun thing for this particular episode, and the timing is just so perfect because all the things make it easier to have a reset right now.
00:44:31.673 --> 00:44:39.702
So go through the five elements and see how you could tie them to summer themes, right.
00:44:39.702 --> 00:44:42.744
So how do you plan vacations?
00:44:42.744 --> 00:44:43.704
How do you have fun?
00:44:43.704 --> 00:44:45.786
What kind of routines do you have?
00:44:45.786 --> 00:45:05.119
How to have little adventures, how to build into your routine a different cadence for connection, for communication, how to explore belief systems around vacation, summer, leisure, fun, adventure right.
00:45:05.119 --> 00:45:15.469
So you could kind of use all the themes, apply them to each of the elements so each of the elements add a little flavor of summer.
00:45:15.469 --> 00:45:27.523
Just take it to the next level, to be more specific and to milk the energy that we have accessible right now, just to make this a little more fun and to have a proper reset, because the energy just lends itself to it.
00:45:27.523 --> 00:45:46.961
Weave in a little summer into them so you have a proper reset so that this July you could plant a flag, so that the rest of the year can have a different flavor.
00:45:46.961 --> 00:45:50.335
You could take things to the next level and have your next level of love.
00:45:51.077 --> 00:45:51.717
Okay, my loves.
00:45:51.717 --> 00:45:54.751
Hopefully that helped you and you found that useful.
00:45:54.751 --> 00:46:00.434
Please give us a thumbs up, a like, a rating, a comment, a subscription, a follow.
00:46:00.434 --> 00:46:02.416
All the things depends on where you're watching this.
00:46:02.416 --> 00:46:19.750
Feel free to check out the description, notes or the page depends on where you're watching this and I'm going to list some other resources blog posts, youtube videos and prior episodes to reinforce some of these comments.
00:46:19.750 --> 00:46:25.003
So you have the tools that you need to help you do each element and help take yourself to the next level.
00:46:25.003 --> 00:46:28.052
Have a fabulous one and I will see you at the next one.
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Bye.