KOPYA NG SALIN 🔗
Welcome to the Strengthen Live Podcast! I'm your host, Andrea Urquhart. This is the place for trailblazing, empathetic leaders who are also recovering people pleasers! If you have a big heart and your passion is supporting others to change their lives for the better, find home and belonging here.
So, without wanting it to sound like a high school science lesson, today we’re diving into a energy and capacity! Do you ever struggle with your potential, knowing you can do so much more and maybe many things better than you currently manage, but your body and your emotional and mental capacity just doesn’t feel like it can carry everything you want to do and be in this world?
Potential can weigh heavy in us when it doesn’t have an outlet.
And often that’s not just about mindset or external opportunities, it’s also about truly understanding our own capacity and energy; how it flows, how it depletes and how it reboots – and ideally, how to live without the boom and bust of fill our bucket, empty our bucket then fill it up again. But instead, keeping our tank ready with enough in it for all that we want and need to do.
Back to potential again. Learning to pair our potential with our understanding of our energy can help us make decisions about what really matters to us. When we’re not nurturing our potential or creating spaces and times for us to do that with our best energy, then our potential continually takes a back burner whilst we’re busy using our energy on other things.
Now I get it, we live in the real world and have real life responsibilities.
That’s frustrating. There are so many people who wrestle with their potential, feeling frustrated. Yet what if releasing and developing our potential is closely linked to understanding our own mental, emotional and physical capacity, and then making decisions and habits that honour our own particular energy and capacity needs?
I’ll talk more about honouring our needs later. Just to be clear, I’m talking about our physical energy, the energy it takes to process emotions and show up in life, and the mental energy that our work and getting things done takes.
Knowledge is power. And knowing ourselves in this area can dramatically influence how we spend our time and invest in our potential – the things already brimming over in us that we want to use and develop.
What marks many successful people out are the choices they’ve learnt to make with their time and energy.
Knowing what we personally need to get clarity on something. Knowing what we need to make decisions. Knowing what we ourselves need to do and what we can delegate it to others.
Energy is a powerful topic that so many people wrestle with, and it’s a particular challenge and strength in the AuDHD and neurodivergent community. And one of the biggest paradoxes about it is that human capacity and energy is both finite (that’s limited) but also something that ebbs and flows and that can be increased.
If you’re new here or new to the term AuDHD – it simply refers to someone who has both Autistic and ADHD traits.
If you’re autistic and ADHD—or think you might be—then you probably already know that our energy doesn’t run on a standard battery. It’s more like a solar panel in a thunderstorm one day...and a rocket launch the next!
So today, we’re unpacking the AuDHD Energy Paradox: that’s “All or Nothing”. What fuels us, what drains us, and how we can begin to build a relationship with our energy that’s sustainable and self-honouring. So, if self-honouring sounds woo woo to you and you keep thinking “I wish she wouldn’t say that!” don’t worry, it’s intentional and we’ll get to that later!
Now, if you’re neurotypical and you’re in a leadership role in a workplace, school, church, or community or other faith space—you might be wondering: “Why does this matter to me if I’m not neurodivergent?”
Here’s the thing: When we don’t allow people (including ourselves) to honour their energy, everyone suffers. But neurodivergent folks often suffer first and likely the hardest sometimes. And just because you may be neurotypical, it doesn’t mean that you’re immune to burnout. So, I invite you to stay with us and be open to what you can learn today and understand about your own energy as well as other people’s.
Let’s look at a few examples:
Workplaces that demand constant output without flexibility can push AuDHD employees into burnout fairly quickly. They may mislabel them as “unreliable,” or “not finishers”, or force them to mask until they collapse.
Churches and faith spaces that emphasize constant volunteering, socializing, or emotional expressiveness might also unknowingly exclude people who need a different level of solitude, sensory regulation, or quiet reverence.
You know that “If you’re not here, you’re not with us” type of ethos can actually more harmful to community building than many leaders realise.
So do take care and take some time to think about this:
Does your community, whatever it is, actually exclude and maybe even harm people unintentional because of your philosophy, ethos or just the way that you say things and the expectations that you put on people?
AuDHDers, other neuro-divergent people and those with chronic illnesses might be literally exhausted by the whole process of getting ready for, getting to, and attending and interacting at any kind of traditional and Pentecostal church meetings or other faith meetings. They may seem “all in” when they’re attending, but they may feel “done in” when they return home.
And let’s look at schools: Schools that penalise rest, stimming, or non-linear productivity (that means doing things the way we expect everyone else to from start to finish) train children to ignore their bodies—teaching them shame instead of self-trust.
Even mental health services can become part of the problem if they’re focused only on compliance, not compassion and understanding about this.
When we create systems that don’t allow for rest, rhythm, pacing, or divergence of
Load full transcript
any kind—we’re not just creating friction for neurodivergent people. We’re creating cultures of pressure, and burnout potentially for everybody.
Whatever organisation you’re part of, notice the burnout rates – not just of those who are currently there, but look at the amount of people who step back or who step aside from full involvement, volunteering or full-time work. And even, notice those who come and go but don’t want to get fully involved – that may actually be about the expectations they feel they need to meet and maybe energy and capacity wise they can’t and that’s why they’re not taking that next step that you’d like them to with your organisation.
These people may well be honouring their own capacity and energy.
But when we normalize honouring energy—when we model flexibility, choice, and curiosity without shame —we make space for all kinds of brilliance to thrive and all kinds of people to come together and work together.
This work and understanding isn’t just for AuDHDers. It’s a call to every leader, educator, pastor, manager, and friend:
Are you perpetuating (that means keeping going) a culture that excludes the 1 in 7 of the population who are thought to be neurodivergent? And what about the 40 to 50% of the adult UK population who live with some kind of long-term illness or health condition? Many of those will also be managing energy and capacity around all of the responsibilities that they have in their life.
Can we, as leaders, let people show up with their actual energy—not the energy we expect or want from them? Can we design our moving forward of our projects and the expectations within communities to allow for different energy and capacity without – and this is very, very important – without making people who have less energy or capacity feel that they are being seen or that they are being treated or judged as less.
Because here’s one thing about many AuDHDers: their energy can be all or nothing. So when they’re all in and full on, that’s some serious high capacity they’re lending and gifting to you!
Honouring people’s needs and differences is what belonging looks like.
It’s what being inclusive looks like.
And it’s what being neuro-affirmative looks like.
And my hope and prayer for you, if you’re a leader who gets frustrated with others and their energy and capacity is this: that you don’t push yourself so far that you learn this lesson the hard way through burn out yourself.
Now let’s move on and name what it often feels like to live with an AuDHD brain.
You might swing between:
- Bursts of hyperfocus where you forget to eat, go to the bathroom, or even blink...
- Maybe times of high-energy where you feel you can take on the world and big ambitions feel like they’re simple to achieve.
- Or difficulty processing and getting started with things because you’re mind is just going off at a tangent, and then suddenly your energy is just gone.
- And how about full-body shutdowns where even answering a text feels impossible because you just need to reboot.
Sound familiar at all?
This is not laziness. It’s not a character flaw. It’s not poor time management. It’s actually the neruodivergent nervous system—which has likely spent decades navigating a modern world that wasn't built for it. I do love though, how the majority of neurodivergent people share that they recharge and feel grounded when they’re out in nature. So the modern world may bring challenges, but the natural world, including moving around in it and moments of awe and wonder have a very grounding and regenerating effect.
If you’ve been masking your traits, forcing yourself to push through sensory overload, or constantly adapting to expectations that drain you—then of course you’re exhausted. Of course, your energy feels chaotic, especially if you’re AuDHD.
Now you know, your body is wise. It’s protecting you.
And this wisdom within our body isn’t something we always appreciate. Especially if we’re people pleasers who feel under other people’s expectations or we put ourselves under their expectations – we can feel that our body is letting us down – letting others down even. But when we learn to have a different relationship with our body, we learn that we have inbuilt physical wisdom there too. Learning to listen to and understand our body is one of the greatest wellbeing and productivity gifts anyone can give themselves.
And just a gentle reminder here that while these patterns are common in AuDHDers, eah person’s experience is their own. Your experience is yours. The way your energy shows up may look completely different from someone else’s—even if they have the same diagnosis or “labels” as you - and even from your own patterns last month. And that’s okay.
Let’s go a bit deeper with this. Why does AuDHD energy feel so different?
Well, with ADHD, your dopamine system is wired to crave stimulation, novelty, and interest-based engagement. You’re literally wired to be looking for something more. You might rev up for exciting tasks and stall out on boring ones—no matter how “important” they are.
With autism, you may also have sensory sensitivities, some executive functioning differences, or a deep need for routine and predictability—all of which affect your energy output.
Now if you combine those very different traits and ways of being, and it’s like driving a car with a hyperdrive engine and super-sensitive brakes. So, you might accelerate fast...and then crash just as fast.
It’s inconsistent. It’s nonlinear. And it’s very real for many people.
Here are a few common AuDHD energy patterns:
1. The Boom and Bust Cycle – I’ve already mentioned.
That’s when we feel amazing one day and do all the things... only to crash a few days or even weeks after.
2. When your body is saying “No!”
Your mind wants to keep going, but your body shuts down—physically, emotionally, or socially. This is so frustrating – but the more we make peace with it, the easier it is to actually reboot from this, to ground, to
calm and just let that capacity and energy rise again.
3. And we also have this idea of Perceived "Laziness"
This is when someone is deeply overstimulated or under-stimulated... but because others don’t see the AuDHDer’s energy patterns, they just assume you’re just unmotivated. It’s like they seem really enthusiastic one minute but they’re just not involved the next.
4. Over-commmited
There’s also the pendulum swing opposite of the perceived laziness – that’s being over-committed or full on, high capacity. Spinning lots of plates, often successfully but with the internal panic and energy needed for that causing a person to stay wired and live for an extended season on high alert.
Now, just because these show up often, doesn’t mean they apply to everyone. Some AuDHDers may never experience shutdowns, and others may not relate to hyperfocus. That’s the beauty—and the complexity—of neurodivergence.
So let’s be clear though: You are not lazy. You are responding to an internal energy system that is dynamic, sensitive, and doing its best to survive and protect you.
Here’s the really good news: You can begin to work with your energy, instead of against it.
So let’s talk about three neuroaffirming strategies to do this.
One is what we call Energy Mapping.
So you rack your energy across a day or week and I actually recommend over a month or two —not just physically, but emotionally and cognitively. So, what you’re doing with your brain as well. Notice hat drains you, what recharges you and you’ll start to notice patterns.
Now when you do this whilst also thinking about your potential that we talked about at the start of the podcast, you can begin to see what’s pulling your energy away from what you really need in place to get those things and projects moving that you really want to bring to life and give your energy to.
A second strategy is to prioritise rest as a high priority need, not as a reward.
Rest isn’t something you earn. It’s part of your rhythm. Build in “buffer zones” between tasks. Use transitional rituals (and again, not being woo woo – this simply means a sequence of actions that can help ground or reboot energy or focus between tasks. For example, at a certain time your alarm goes, you realise you need to stop what you’re doing, empty the kettle, fill it, put it on, maybe go to the window or go out in the garden and look outside, breath in some air, pop back, make your drink, pop back and take the time to drink it. Doing that as a sequence of events could be a type of transition ritual.
That’s just giving yourself the space you need, whether it’s pausing for gratitude or meditation or going and shooting some hoops or goals. You know maybe you need to do something gentle and calm or active to just help you to decompress and be ready for the next thing that you’re going to do.
And a third strategy is really just giving yourself permission to pivot.
I’ve always loved this word pivot. It’s when we abruptly turn from facing or moving
in one direction and then face or move in another. You know, every time somebody makes a decision to prioritise their wellbeing, they are pivoting – it’s a really good thing to do.
Task-switching is an example of this – so that’s when you’re doing one thing but you’re feeling really drained, or you know that if you keep going you’re going to get really drained, so you go do something else.
Task-switching is not only a really healthy habit for people but you can really get to know things about yourself and learning when to do it can actually be really empowering.
Hyperfocus ( so that’s when we stay full on, absorbed in something for an extended period of time) and task-switching aren’t bad— especially if you see them as tools and have awareness. If you hit a wall, then just learn to pivot gently. So, choosing the next best step that meets your nervous system where it is.
And just another reminder that what works for you today might not work tomorrow. And that’s okay, that’s normal, especially if you’re AuDHD. You know energy is a fluid thing. What matters most is staying connected to your own needs and giving yourself permission respond to those.
There’s another dimension we also need to talk about—especially for AuDHD women who menstruate or experience hormone cycles. Because here is the truth: your hormones can dramatically impact your executive function, energy, emotional regulation, and sensory sensitivity—and yet most of us were never taught how or why.
During the follicular and ovulation phases, when your eggs are beginning to be release, you might feel more focused, social, or energized. But during the luteal phase (that’s those days before the bleeding) and especially menstruation, many AuDHDers report:
Increased sensory overwhelm
Difficulty with transitions
Emotional dysregulation
Reduced tolerance for socializing
Executive function drop-offs (so that’s how our brain is managing activities)
Shutdowns or meltdowns that they can’t "explain". Ones that happen where they think “Where did that come from?”.So this is not a weakness. It’s really important to realise that and remember that and tell yourself that —it’s neurobiology and hormones colliding.
This fluctuation can make you feel inconsistent, or like you're "regressing"—especially if you’re trying to stick to routines or expectations that aren’t flex with your body’s cycle. But it’s not regression. It’s your cycle speaking. So it makes sense to be flexible with routines and your energy according to your cycle.
It doesn’t mean a person can’t function during that time – it’s just about awareness and understanding of why certain challenges may be more intense one week and not another. And equally, why energy and being mentally alert and high capacity is a feature for one or two weeks and then not for a week or so.
That said though, for some women it is really, really debilitating during that time.
Some people even report that their masking becomes harder during PMS or their autistic traits become more noticeable. If that’s you, you’re not imagining this—it’s connected with your nervous system.
if you're perimenopausal, menopausal, on HRT, or dealing with conditions like PMDD or endometriosis, all of this can be magnified. There are academics and researchers like Dr Sam Hiew who are working deeply on understanding more about these hormonal links for women with AuDHD.
I’m not an expert in this, but obviously, as women – for those women who are listening – we’re all experts in our own bodies aren’t we? And it’s really important to just take some time and learn what we can about this, especially if you’re neurodivergent.
So thank you to all those women and academics out there who are sharing their own personal information, taking part in research and creating research to help us all understand more about these links.
Here’s what you can do as well for yourself: If you’re a woman tracking you’re AuDHD energy, it’s a really good idea to also track your hormone cycle and track them alongside each other. You may find predictable patterns that help you prepare, plan for what we call softness or gentleness in your life, or shift expectations instead of powering through and crashing.
And know this: Your cycle is not a flaw. It’s not an enemy withing you. It’s a rhythm.
I’m going to say that again! Know this: Your cycle is not a flaw. It’s not your enemy It’s a rhythm within you.
And just like every other part of your body—it deserves to be honoured.
We’re right back with that “honouring” word again.
So, before we wrap up, I want to take a moment to talk about the word “honor.” You’ve heard me use it a few times today—like honouring your energy or honouring your nervous system—and there’s a reason for that:
To honour something means to recognise its worth, treat it with care, and respond with respect. And that word matters deeply in AuDHD spaces because so many of AuDHDers and neurodivergent people grew up being told they were too much, not enough, disorganised, lazy, dramatic, broken. They felt as though they were not fitting in or couldn’t fit in to others’ expectations.
So instead of fighting our needs or forcing ourselves into neurotypical moulds, we shift the lens. We honour the signals our bodies are giving. We honour the intelligence behind a shutdown, the purpose behind hyperfocus, the truth about our sensory needs, and the genuine validity of our different rythms and pacing.
Honouring is an antidote to shame. It’s a practice of returning to ourselves with gentleness and with self-compassion. And after all, we are all uniquely, beautifully and wonderfully made. And that is truly something to treat with respect.
For AuDHDers, learning to honour our energy isn’t just self-care—it’s also an act of survival. And it’s a liberating one!
In the AuDHD Paradox Coaching Framework we use particular exercises to coach on understanding your personal energy paradox – your unique push and pull, and all or nothing patterns. Whether that’s
longer-term boom and bust burnout cycles or the daily all or nothing ebb and flow of energy.
And with that information, we begin to craft more energy preserving and energy creating patterns, habits and routines. Ones that help you to stop getting frustrated and instead to begin to release the energy you need to protect and nurture so that you really can give capacity to nurturing your potential.
Let me leave you with this:
If your energy feels unpredictable, you’re not broken. You’re not weak. You’re wired differently—get to know your personal rhythms, not as a victim to them, but as someone who understands and respects them.
And if you really feel that something is off with that, don’t forget, of course to seek professional advice. Just as I usually say if you feel need extra help with something, don’t forget to go to a professional, whilst you’re observing your energy, if you notice something is really off or there are things that you really need help with, particularly with the hormones and things, please go and speak to your GP and to a professional. Because there are professionals out there who can help you – whether you’re neurodivergent or not – with understanding whether there is anything else physical that is underlying that is affecting your energy or mood swings and capacity. And also, there are some other interventions, whether that’s through medication or other things that your medical professional may recommend for you as an individual.
So, do remember, take care and don’t be afraid to find the right professionals to help you.
Because although it’s great to get to know yourself in terms of being AuDHD, it’s also important to get that professional advice as well if you’re struggling with youre energy.
If your energy feels unpredictable, you’re not broken, you’re not weak. You’re wired differently. So I invite you to start honouring the way your brain and body move through the world and to learn to listen to and embrace that moving with love, self-compassion and a sense of strength and empowerment.
Thank you for joining me on today’s Strengthen Live podcast. If this episode resonated with you, I’d love if you’d share it with someone else on this journey—or why not even leave a review send a message?
You can also head to strengthenlive.com to discover coaching, courses and live events with me! I’m really excited to offer my Rebel Affirmation Creation online course as a live, online retreat day now. There is a May 2025 date and a June 2025 date – so if you’re ready to show your inner critic the door, then grab your ticket now.
This week, whether you’re neurotypical or neurodivergent, notice your own energy patterns and your focus. Be aware of those around you too – what recharges them, and what depletes them?
Remember that all of our bodies are very finely calibrated, incredibly complex beings that deserve to be respected and understood.
So, no more boom and bust! Well, at least let’s work towards evening that out a bit more! Let’s ramp up the compassion and intelligent acceptance of ourselves and one another’s energy and capacity.
Until next time—rest when you need to, hyperfocus when it flows and it serves you, and always, always stay kind to yourself! I’m looking forward to welcoming you again next time.