KOPYA NG SALIN 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:04.559
You know, there's a few things I'm getting tired of hearing from women.
00:00:05.120 --> 00:00:09.919
I've heard women say, Oh, I only stayed in a relationship because of the kids.
00:00:10.080 --> 00:00:12.160
I grew up in a broken home.
00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:13.919
It's been 21 years.
00:00:14.080 --> 00:00:17.039
I left the relationship and I'm never going back.
00:00:17.679 --> 00:00:25.039
Or even things like, well, you know, I'm not perfect, so I can't expect my partner to be perfect.
00:00:25.760 --> 00:00:33.439
Logically, these things make sense, but ultimately, you have the power to change the direction of your life.
00:00:33.920 --> 00:00:37.759
You cannot get better until you believe you deserve better.
00:00:37.920 --> 00:00:41.840
If you're a woman who recently had a narcissistic breakup, check out the F Then workbook.
00:00:42.000 --> 00:00:48.960
Over the past two years, I've spoken to about a hundred women, and in the workbook, I detail the most common ways women end up in narcissistic relationships.
00:00:49.119 --> 00:00:53.520
If that's something that interests you, you can find a link to the workbook in the description below.
00:00:53.920 --> 00:00:58.479
I'm going to share a story with you that really hits close to home for me.
00:00:58.960 --> 00:01:07.760
I was speaking to someone and she informed me that she did stay in her relationship for a long period of time because of the children.
00:01:08.799 --> 00:01:22.799
And I personally have grown up in a pretty healthy household, but I have seen the impact that a negative parent or a negative relationship, how that can affect the children.
00:01:23.680 --> 00:01:28.480
When I was 14 years old, I stopped going to my father's house.
00:01:28.719 --> 00:01:32.239
My father had been locked up periodically throughout my childhood.
00:01:32.400 --> 00:01:33.519
He wasn't absent.
00:01:33.680 --> 00:01:35.680
He just was locked up.
00:01:35.920 --> 00:01:41.040
And even from his jail cell, my father was taking care of me financially.
00:01:41.200 --> 00:01:44.959
He had people on the outside that helped take care of business.
00:01:45.920 --> 00:01:53.599
When he got out at the age of 14, I remember weekend after weekend, I would go and spend time at my siblings' house.
00:01:53.840 --> 00:01:55.200
Their mother would pick me up.
00:01:55.359 --> 00:01:56.879
Both our parents grew up with each other.
00:01:56.959 --> 00:01:58.879
They'd known each other since they were in grade school.
00:01:59.040 --> 00:02:03.439
But their mother, my stepmother, would pick me up and I would go spend time with my siblings.
00:02:03.680 --> 00:02:10.879
Well, when my father got back, the effect that he had over the family was extremely negative.
00:02:11.199 --> 00:02:13.680
We used to joke around, we used to play.
00:02:13.840 --> 00:02:14.960
It was a great experience.
00:02:15.120 --> 00:02:16.560
I had a great time with my siblings.
00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:19.120
But when he got out, he was toxic.
00:02:19.280 --> 00:02:20.639
He was negative to everybody.
00:02:20.800 --> 00:02:23.039
My siblings, the women he was with.
00:02:23.199 --> 00:02:26.400
And I was observing this at the age of 14.
00:02:26.560 --> 00:02:30.400
And I knew, okay, I'm at the age where I'm becoming a man.
00:02:30.719 --> 00:02:33.520
I'm developing more masculine traits.
00:02:33.919 --> 00:02:44.240
And something within side of me, the God with inside of me, my subconscious, was telling me, if I stay in this environment, I'll never become the person that I want to become.
00:02:44.479 --> 00:02:45.759
My father won't allow it.
00:02:45.919 --> 00:02:48.879
My father won't allow me to build my confidence and my strength.
00:02:49.120 --> 00:02:51.840
So I stopped going over to my siblings' house.
00:02:52.080 --> 00:02:54.240
Fast forward to the age of 18.
00:02:54.800 --> 00:03:00.319
My father actually called my mother one night and he asked her, he's like, hey, why doesn't my son want to spend time with me?
00:03:00.479 --> 00:03:06.400
Because throughout those last four years, my father would ask me, Hey, you want to come stay with me for the weekend after a football game?
00:03:06.479 --> 00:03:09.280
He was like, Hey, you want to come home, come over with us and stay with us?
00:03:09.439 --> 00:03:10.800
I would say no every time.
00:03:10.879 --> 00:03:11.840
I said, No, I'm good.
00:03:11.919 --> 00:03:12.400
I'm cool.
00:03:12.560 --> 00:03:14.719
So he reached out to my mom when I was 18.
00:03:14.960 --> 00:03:18.479
He asked her, Why doesn't my son want to spend time with me?
00:03:18.800 --> 00:03:24.240
She knew the answer, but she felt it was best that the two of us speak.
00:03:24.560 --> 00:03:29.039
So my mother hung up the phone with my father, told him to call me.
00:03:29.199 --> 00:03:33.199
My mother walked to my room and she said, Hey, your father's going to give you a call a call.
00:03:33.360 --> 00:03:34.719
And this is what he asked me.
00:03:34.800 --> 00:03:36.240
And I said, Why didn't you tell him?
00:03:36.400 --> 00:03:38.400
She said, You should talk to him about it.
00:03:38.639 --> 00:03:40.800
So my father did call me.
00:03:40.960 --> 00:03:42.719
I remember I was on my bed.
00:03:42.879 --> 00:03:47.439
I had my PlayStation controller in my hand, and I was playing John Madden at that time, right?
00:03:47.680 --> 00:03:51.919
So this is around 2006, 2005.
00:03:52.400 --> 00:03:55.680
My father, he asked me, like, hey man, so what's going on?
00:03:55.759 --> 00:03:58.719
You know, you don't ever come and stay with me and wondering what's bothering you.
00:03:58.879 --> 00:04:01.520
And I asked him, Do you really want to know?
00:04:01.919 --> 00:04:03.919
He said, Yeah, I really want to know.
00:04:04.080 --> 00:04:05.520
And I was like, You sure?
00:04:05.840 --> 00:04:07.599
He's like, Yes, I'm sure.
00:04:07.919 --> 00:04:09.759
And I told my father the truth.
00:04:10.000
Load full transcript
--> 00:04:17.040
I told him that I feel like you show out more for the people who don't matter than the people who do matter.
00:04:17.199 --> 00:04:22.800
I feel like you want to get a lot of attention from people and pretend to be someone that you're not.
00:04:23.199 --> 00:04:25.199
And then we suffer from that.
00:04:25.360 --> 00:04:27.439
I didn't like the way that you treated my siblings.
00:04:27.519 --> 00:04:30.160
I don't like the way you speak to the woman that you're seeing.
00:04:30.800 --> 00:04:35.040
And I'm also becoming a man, and I feel like you will get in the way of that.
00:04:35.920 --> 00:04:37.040
He cussed me out.
00:04:37.120 --> 00:04:43.600
I put the phone on the bed, but I can hear him cussing me out as the phone is on the bed and I'm just playing my PlayStation.
00:04:43.839 --> 00:04:48.560
When the phone stopped shaking, I stopped hearing the sounds coming out of the phone.
00:04:48.800 --> 00:04:51.920
I picked it up and he's like, Hello, you hear me?
00:04:52.319 --> 00:04:54.639
I was like, Yeah, I heard you, which I didn't.
00:04:54.879 --> 00:04:56.319
He said, All right, and he hung up.
00:04:56.480 --> 00:04:58.639
A few days later, his my stepmother called me.
00:04:58.720 --> 00:05:01.680
She said, You know your father cried after that conversation.
00:05:03.040 --> 00:05:03.680
He cried.
00:05:03.759 --> 00:05:05.519
So I knew it meant something to him.
00:05:05.600 --> 00:05:06.240
It mattered to him.
00:05:06.399 --> 00:05:14.160
Even though he did not know how to communicate himself in an effective way at that time, I still knew in my heart my father cared.
00:05:14.240 --> 00:05:21.120
And I learned years down the road, years later, after we had another conversation, what was really going on within him.
00:05:21.199 --> 00:05:23.040
You know, and it was a part of my healing.
00:05:23.279 --> 00:05:32.800
With that being said, fast forward years later, I'm speaking to my stepmother, and then she's talking to me about the children, the children that my father spent the most time around.
00:05:32.959 --> 00:05:34.560
And she said, look at your siblings.
00:05:34.720 --> 00:05:39.360
Your siblings that spent time with their father, look at the impact he's had on their life.
00:05:39.759 --> 00:05:42.560
Look at their self-confidence, look at the things that they achieved.
00:05:42.720 --> 00:05:48.079
Basically saying that they didn't achieve much, but you look at his kids that did not grow up under his roof.
00:05:48.399 --> 00:05:49.759
We're all doing well.
00:05:50.319 --> 00:05:52.560
So I say that to say this.
00:05:54.800 --> 00:06:03.279
Staying in an unhealthy, abusive, toxic relationship because of the children, you don't do this because of the children.
00:06:04.560 --> 00:06:08.079
You do this because you don't truly believe you deserve better.
00:06:08.560 --> 00:06:12.959
And you're using this as a as an excuse to not become better.
00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:28.079
I don't know when this happened, but at some point in time, whether it was society, whether it was your family, or just other children, someone gave you an identity.
00:06:28.959 --> 00:06:32.399
And that identity told you that, hey, this is the best that I can do.
00:06:33.439 --> 00:06:35.120
This is what I deserve.
00:06:35.680 --> 00:06:37.199
Maybe you grew up seeing it.
00:06:37.279 --> 00:06:41.040
You grew up seeing toxicity within a relationship.
00:06:41.360 --> 00:06:50.399
Even if you watch relationships on television, you're either going to see a single parent or you're going to see two people arguing all the time.
00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:52.560
A lot of relationships, you have drama.
00:06:52.639 --> 00:06:54.720
That's the whole point of drama, it's entertainment.
00:06:54.959 --> 00:06:56.160
But those are our references.
00:06:56.319 --> 00:07:01.439
If we don't see it modeled in our home, we're going to get our idea of a relationship from the media.
00:07:01.920 --> 00:07:06.639
You may have already heard this before in many different ways.
00:07:07.519 --> 00:07:10.000
But ultimately, you have the power to change.
00:07:10.319 --> 00:07:12.959
You are not your mind, you're not your body.
00:07:13.120 --> 00:07:18.079
You own your mind and you own your body, but you need to find out who you really are.
00:07:18.720 --> 00:07:22.160
And the you is your connection with God.
00:07:22.319 --> 00:07:29.839
It's your spirit, it's your subconscious mind, it's your connection to the universe and everything it has to offer.
00:07:30.079 --> 00:07:34.079
A relationship with someone else is not going to make you a happier person.
00:07:34.319 --> 00:07:43.199
If you were to leave your relationship and jump into another one, there's a very good chance you will still attract the same kind of person because you're operating at a certain vibration.
00:07:43.439 --> 00:07:51.199
Claiming your I am, raising your confidence, getting your power is going to help you attract somebody that's a lot healthier.
00:07:51.360 --> 00:07:55.759
Your life isn't changing because you're living in these mental chains.
00:07:56.319 --> 00:07:58.800
You make excuses for your actions.
00:07:59.360 --> 00:08:09.439
You make excuses for their actions, but on a very deep level, you're making these excuses because you don't truly believe that you can change and that you can get something better.
00:08:09.600 --> 00:08:10.560
You know, it's weird.
00:08:10.879 --> 00:08:18.480
A lot of women, they'll get in these bad relationships because they don't want to deal with their own stuff.
00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:24.959
When I was 18, late teens, early 20s, I would intentionally get in relationships I knew were short-term.
00:08:25.120 --> 00:08:30.800
When I really liked a woman and she really liked me, I never invested into that.
00:08:30.959 --> 00:08:34.559
I never dated her, didn't do anything with her because I felt uncomfortable.
00:08:34.720 --> 00:08:39.519
On a very deep level, I didn't
believe I deserved to be loved in that kind of way.
00:08:39.840 --> 00:08:42.399
So I dabbled in short-term relationships.
00:08:42.559 --> 00:08:45.919
And in some way, shape, or form, you're doing the same thing.
00:08:46.320 --> 00:08:50.960
You're spending time with men you know who need help.
00:08:51.200 --> 00:08:52.720
You know they're broken.
00:08:52.879 --> 00:08:57.519
You know they're chaotic, but you've become comfortable in chaos.
00:08:57.759 --> 00:09:01.919
You know there's things that you need to work on within yourself personally.
00:09:02.799 --> 00:09:10.080
But instead of working on your own stuff, you invest into another person who has junk that they haven't dealt with.
00:09:10.240 --> 00:09:18.720
And this becomes your excuse and your distraction from healing, from doing the work that you really need to do to change your life and your relationships.
00:09:18.960 --> 00:09:20.559
These are only excuses.
00:09:21.440 --> 00:09:29.440
Another thing that I commonly hear is I'm just waiting on God to find me a man, to bring the right man into my life.
00:09:29.840 --> 00:09:32.399
God is not going to save you.
00:09:33.039 --> 00:09:34.879
You have to save you.
00:09:35.440 --> 00:09:41.279
God gave you all the tools that you need to live a prosperous life.
00:09:42.559 --> 00:09:48.639
There are people who are in better conditions, but I promise you, everybody has trials in life.
00:09:48.799 --> 00:09:53.919
And those trials that we experience are there to help us grow.
00:09:55.840 --> 00:10:01.759
God's intention is not for you to be somebody else's punching bag, to live life on a lower level.
00:10:02.080 --> 00:10:07.200
Think of it like this a part of God exists in each and every one of us.
00:10:07.919 --> 00:10:15.919
You have an ocean that's at one size, you have a lake that's at another size, and you have a cup of water that fits at another size, right?
00:10:17.200 --> 00:10:20.720
All three of those have components of water.
00:10:21.200 --> 00:10:27.360
The same components of water, the same components in that cup are the same components that are in that lake.
00:10:27.600 --> 00:10:30.720
It's the same components in that lake are the same components in that ocean.
00:10:30.879 --> 00:10:35.440
And it works the same way with our connection to source energy.
00:10:36.480 --> 00:10:41.759
God created the universe, the planets, the trees, everything around you.
00:10:41.919 --> 00:10:46.559
But we also have that same source energy that allows us to create.
00:10:46.879 --> 00:10:48.720
God isn't going to create for us.
00:10:49.039 --> 00:10:54.879
God gives us the opportunity to build a relationship with Him.
00:10:55.759 --> 00:11:04.639
And you build a better relationship with God by building a relationship with that God energy within you, listening to it, living from it, and walking in it.
00:11:04.799 --> 00:11:06.720
There's no reason for you to be fearful.
00:11:06.879 --> 00:11:08.639
There's no reason for
you to have anxiety.
00:11:08.799 --> 00:11:12.000
You have to walk as if God is walking right beside you.
00:11:12.159 --> 00:11:14.480
You don't need anybody else's approval.
00:11:14.639 --> 00:11:18.960
You don't need men in your life to make you feel like you're valuable.
00:11:19.360 --> 00:11:21.519
Value comes from the inside.
00:11:21.759 --> 00:11:28.159
And once you understand that, you'll no longer be in these relationships where you need somebody to fill a void for you.
00:11:28.399 --> 00:11:31.360
You attract somebody else who is whole because you're whole.
00:11:31.519 --> 00:11:33.679
You have to make the decision to change your mind.
00:11:33.840 --> 00:11:36.080
You have to make the decision to change your mind.
00:11:36.399 --> 00:11:37.759
I had to do it.
00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:42.879
I'm actually, I didn't even expect myself to be in this position 10 years ago.
00:11:43.840 --> 00:11:48.159
But you have to take those first steps to actually change your outcome.
00:11:49.200 --> 00:11:53.039
Your inputs affect your outputs.
00:11:53.679 --> 00:11:54.799
What does that mean?
00:11:55.200 --> 00:12:15.120
That means what you're watching, what you're listening to, the books you're reading, if you're reading books, everything that you're receptive to is going to have a direct impact on who you become, who you are, your I am.
00:12:15.360 --> 00:12:22.799
If you're unhappy with the type of relationships that you've been in, the people that you're attracting, take a break.
00:12:23.039 --> 00:12:28.960
If you find yourself dealing with these narcissistic men, the only thing they have in common is you.
00:12:30.240 --> 00:12:37.200
So what you really have to find out is what is it that you're doing that's attracting these kinds of men?
00:12:37.440 --> 00:12:42.080
What is it that you're doing that makes you receptive to these types of men?
00:12:43.279 --> 00:12:49.919
Because if it happened more than once, there's definitely something within you that likes these men.
00:12:51.279 --> 00:12:54.320
One thing I commonly see is that these women are love-bombed.
00:12:54.399 --> 00:12:56.080
So maybe you've been love-bombed.
00:12:56.320 --> 00:13:00.399
Maybe for you to feel good about yourself, you need male attention and validation.
00:13:00.639 --> 00:13:10.799
So the type of man who is insecure and needs that attention and validation as well, he's going to be texting you all the time because he doesn't have anything else going on.
00:13:10.960 --> 00:13:14.639
He's going to become whoever you need him to become.
00:13:14.879 --> 00:13:23.519
Because in the most cases, a lot of cases, people have a vision of the type of relationship that they want and they start to visualize the relationship with this person.
00:13:23.679 --> 00:13:29.279
And that person will sense that and they'll become the person they believe they need to be to make that relationship work.
00:13:29.519 --> 00:13:31.840
Maybe you're sleeping with people too fast.
00:13:32.799 --> 00:13:35.519
These are the types of questions that you need to ask yourself.
00:13:35.679 --> 00:13:38.320
What kind of relationship did you see modeled growing up?
00:13:38.639 --> 00:13:42.720
What obvious toxic traits are you bringing to the relationship?
00:13:42.879 --> 00:13:45.039
Are you verbally and mentally abusive?
00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:46.480
Are you manipulative?
00:13:46.799 --> 00:13:49.679
I had a conversation with a woman.
00:13:49.919 --> 00:13:56.399
She told me that the guy she was with, things started off great.
00:13:57.039 --> 00:14:01.919
Text her multiple times a day, saw each other at least twice a week.
00:14:02.399 --> 00:14:09.600
Things were cool for the first few months, but then after three to four months, it got very toxic, abusive.
00:14:09.840 --> 00:14:19.519
He accused her of the things that he was doing, basic narcissistic traits, lying, being very verbally harsh to her.
00:14:21.039 --> 00:14:23.360
And she didn't understand why it happened.
00:14:23.440 --> 00:14:25.840
The relationship ultimately fell apart.
00:14:26.159 --> 00:14:31.600
But there's something in her that is on the same vibration as this person.
00:14:32.399 --> 00:14:39.120
Now, I've had a few, actually three women so far, reach out to me about their businesses.
00:14:40.399 --> 00:14:57.919
Rather than reach out to me directly and send me an email saying that they wanted to talk about business, they went to my link, the link that I use for people to schedule meetings for my program, and they use that link to show up to basically promote their business.
00:14:58.159 --> 00:15:02.960
So when I jump on the call, I'm expecting a conversation about the Choose Better Method program.
00:15:03.279 --> 00:15:04.879
Instead, we're talking about their business.
00:15:05.039 --> 00:15:07.120
That's a very subtle sign of manipulation.
00:15:07.279 --> 00:15:09.200
I bet it's completely unconscious.
00:15:09.519 --> 00:15:15.200
My point is this that there's things that you're doing that are in your everyday life.
00:15:15.279 --> 00:15:21.679
It may not even be related to a relationship where you're showing up dishonestly, where you're being manipulative.
00:15:21.840 --> 00:15:26.720
And somewhere in your life, you're vibrating on that same level as that guy is.
00:15:26.960 --> 00:15:28.879
You need to figure out what that is exactly.
00:15:29.039 --> 00:15:29.759
Are you lying?
00:15:29.919 --> 00:15:32.399
Do you lie in different situations outside of a relationship?
00:15:32.480 --> 00:15:36.159
Maybe you lie within the relationship, but do you lie outside of it?
00:15:36.399 --> 00:15:40.080
You have to be honest with yourself and you have to want to change.
00:15:40.399 --> 00:15:43.679
Most people, period, do not want to change.
00:15:43.759 --> 00:15:47.440
They want to change their outcome, but they don't want to change their actions.
00:15:47.679 --> 00:15:49.519
And it doesn't work that way.
00:15:50.240 --> 00:16:01.840
You can't, if you want to play a classical piece on a piano, you're going to have to do the work to develop the skills to play that classical piece on the piano.
00:16:02.080 --> 00:16:05.759
See, a lot of you, you just want to play the cat classical piece.
00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:16.159
You don't want to do the work that involves finger place placement, chord progression, understanding the keys, feeling the music.
00:16:16.399 --> 00:16:20.080
You have to feel, you have to be on the same vibration.
00:16:20.240 --> 00:16:26.480
You have to feel and be in tuned with a certain type of person in order to attract that person.
00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:29.759
If you don't do that, it will never happen in your life.
00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:35.200
There's another thing I want to go over with you, something called the, it's called hypnotic rhythm.
00:16:35.519 --> 00:16:38.720
I got this phrase from the book, Outwitting the Devil.
00:16:39.039 --> 00:16:45.919
Hypnotic So the way hypnotic rhythm works is that there's a certain way in life that we naturally operate.
00:16:46.320 --> 00:16:57.200
You can expect as that that could be in the sign of maybe you had a relationship where you can time how long things will go well, how long things will go bad, how long things will go well right before they go bad.
00:16:57.279 --> 00:17:00.879
It's like we all we automatically have a rhythm to our life.
00:17:01.120 --> 00:17:03.279
What we eat, how often we work out.
00:17:03.440 --> 00:17:06.240
There's things that we do on an automatic process.
00:17:07.519 --> 00:17:14.559
And you need to get control of your hypnotic rhythm, your unconscious, automatic processes.
00:17:14.960 --> 00:17:22.079
And the only way you can do that, you have to make the conscious decision that you want to have a different outcome in your life.
00:17:22.319 --> 00:17:29.440
You have to fill your mind with the images of what you want your life to look like, what you want your relationship to look like.
00:17:29.599 --> 00:17:30.960
How does that person feel?
00:17:31.200 --> 00:17:32.799
How do they wake up in the morning?
00:17:33.039 --> 00:17:34.400
What is their hobbies like?
00:17:34.559 --> 00:17:35.599
What do they look like?
00:17:35.759 --> 00:17:38.720
And you have to think about that every day.
00:17:39.519 --> 00:17:42.640
Make sure you do it before you sleep, make sure you do it when you wake up.
00:17:42.880 --> 00:17:47.200
You have to become that person, become the person that you want to attract.
00:17:47.599 --> 00:17:50.799
Once you've done that, it's going to change your vibration.
00:17:50.960 --> 00:17:56.079
It's going to change your hypnotic rhythm, and it'll be a part of your everyday process.
00:17:56.319 --> 00:17:58.559
You have to want better for your life.
00:17:59.119 --> 00:18:01.599
I have conversations with people, they just want a vent.
00:18:01.680 --> 00:18:04.799
Nobody's trying to really invest into their self-improvement.
00:18:04.960 --> 00:18:12.720
You invest into your career, you invest into your education, but you don't invest into your spiritual health.
00:18:13.039 --> 00:18:19.119
The most important relationship you'll ever have in your life is not the relationship with another man, it's a relationship with yourself.
00:18:19.359 --> 00:18:21.759
Anyways, I'm Coach Jeron Brown.
00:18:22.079 --> 00:18:22.960
Leave a comment.
00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:24.720
I'd like to hear your thoughts.
00:18:24.960 --> 00:18:26.559
I'll catch you next time.
00:18:26.880 --> 00:18:27.680
Peace.