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I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, the podcast for parents with older kids in their 20s and 30s who are struggling.
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If you're here for the first time, you'll appreciate this episode because I'm going to talk about what failure to launch is, what it isn't, who it applies to, who it doesn't, how to look at it so it doesn't seem so stigmatizing, and then five suggestions that you can do to help your adult child move through it.
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If you've been listening for a while, then you're familiar with what failure to launch is, but I have never talked about it this way, and I think you'll love this.
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So let's take a deep breath together and lean into today's episode as I, what's the word?
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Deconstruct failure to launch.
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And I promise you'll walk away with hope and guidance.
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So let's get started.
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Several years ago I wrote a list of the 15 signs of failure to launch.
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It's been downloaded thousands of times, and not because it's free.
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These are parents just like you who are quietly going through this, and although they feel very alone, it's actually happening all over the world.
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The link to this free resource is in the show notes and on my website under Free Resources, and it's also the very first episode I did.
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So let me begin with what failing to launch into adulthood is not.
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If your adult is working, studying, participating in chores, contributing to living expenses, being responsible, managing their own life, balancing their time efficiently, taking care of themselves, eating well, sleeping regular hours, engaging in physical activity, managing their emotions with maturity, communicating respectfully, has friends outside the house, is motivated, is discovering themselves, has some goals and perhaps a plan for their future.
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They are not failing to launch.
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In fact, they're doing just fine.
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Not every day is perfect, and this list doesn't mean they have to be doing everything on it, but for the most part, that's what it means to be an adult.
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And if what I just said even remotely resembles their current life, I think they're doing pretty good.
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Now it might not be exactly what you wanted or expected for them, but you've got to let them experience life.
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So you keep your dreams away from theirs.
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By the way, did you notice I didn't mention living at home?
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Because today that is not available to everyone, nor is it a prerequisite to living a full life.
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Here's who failing to launch does not apply to.
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An adult child with physical, mental, neurodevelopmental, or emotional health issues.
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I sincerely hope that they're under the care of a doctor and getting the proper treatment.
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If your son or daughter tells you or shows you signs that they're struggling, get them help.
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If they deny it or refuse treatment after being diagnosed, you've really got to manage that.
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Don't say you can't, please.
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They're under your roof and they aren't well.
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You've got leverage.
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Most importantly, they should never use their mental health as an excuse to live like a zombie in their room.
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Nor should you.
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In fact, the sooner you come to terms with this truth, the better you can manage it.
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Which brings me to this question.
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Why do some parents struggle with the term failure to launch?
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It's not a real medical issue.
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It's just a description of their current lifestyle.
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They are failing to launch into adulthood.
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Does the word failure make you uncomfortable?
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First of all, we're not telling them that they're failing.
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It's just between us.
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And many people actually want to identify the problem for what it is so they can find the solutions.
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What irks me is when others call these adult children lost or stuck.
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I find these words are used to soften reality, but they actually don't describe the truth.
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In the literal sense, your adult child is neither lost nor stuck.
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They're in their bedroom, avoiding responsibility, remaining emotionally and financially dependent, and not making progress toward building an independent life.
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Calling them lost or stuck might make you feel better, but it won't make a difference in the long run.
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So I'll be honest and I'll tell you that I think these words are a cop out, and it's that gentle approach which has allowed these young adults to carry on this way for so long.
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Oh, Johnny, he's just a little lost.
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He'll find his way soon.
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My Jenny, she's just stuck in the mud of life.
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We're hoping that she'll unstick herself when she's ready.
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My goodness, could we be any more pandering?
Load full transcript
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These words undermine the seriousness of this stage in your young person's life.
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There's so much that needs to be addressed.
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Lost and stuck, just don't cut it.
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Whereas the term failure to launch has roots.
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In fact, these issues have been around longer than most of your kids.
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Here's a quick history lesson, which I think you'll find interesting.
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Failure to launch may sound like a modern parenting problem, but it's not.
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They used terms like delayed transition to adulthood to describe their behavior.
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A few years later, similar patterns were being documented in North America, where sociologists and psychologists began noticing that young adults were also not hitting the traditional milestone markers of adulthood.
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In the late 1990s, Japanese psychiatrist Tamaki Saito brought attention to a phenomenon called hikiki omori.
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He was seeing young people who had completely withdrawn from society, often staying isolated at home for months, even years, while remaining completely dependent on their families.
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What's so interesting is that this was happening on the other side of the world at the same time that researchers were studying it here.
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Different cultures were using different languages, but they were observing a similar challenge.
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Young people who are having difficulty moving into adulthood.
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In 2000, psychologist Jeffrey Arnett introduced the term emerging adults to describe the period between adolescence and adulthood, roughly ages 18 to 29.
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He stated that many young people were taking longer to establish careers, relationships, and independence, and viewed this as a normal stage of exploration and self-discovery.
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However, this is an important distinction.
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An emerging adult is figuring things out, maybe even changing directions.
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It's a period of self-exploration, but they are heading toward independence.
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Whereas failure to launch describes a young adult whose progress has stalled.
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They aren't emerging.
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They're not exploring careers, traveling the world, trying new things, or actively in search of themselves.
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They're often doing the exact opposite.
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They're withdrawing, avoiding responsibility, remaining financially dependent, and putting adulthood on hold.
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Emerging adults are not failing to launch.
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After the 2006 movie starring Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker, the phrase failure to launch became much more widely recognized in pop culture.
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The movie introduced the idea of young adults who were comfortable staying dependent on their parents, not being responsible, and had little motivation to build an independent life of their own.
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In more recent years, Dr.
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Mark McConville has contributed significantly to this issue.
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In his 2020 book, Failure to Launch, Why Your Twenty Something Hasn't Grown Up and What to Do About It, he explores the psychological and family dynamics behind why some young adults have difficulty moving towards independence.
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In fact, I'm actually having Dr.
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McConville join me on the podcast next month to dive deeper into why this happens and what parents need to understand to help their young adults move forward.
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I hope you're a subscriber to launch so you won't miss the episode when it drops.
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So here's the takeaway.
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Failure to launch has been around longer than most of your kids.
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This is not a new and taboo concept, so please don't be ashamed of the term.
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It's not a permanent label that defines who your young adult is, and most importantly, it's not saying that they have failed as a person.
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It's just describing a pattern of delayed progress toward adulthood, and it can be temporary.
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Just like a chapter in a book, this is a part of their story and nowhere near the end.
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But to move past this stage, to turn the page, it does require intervention.
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As we get close to wrapping up, I hope that I've given you something to think about, and as with all episodes, I'd like to leave you with five tangible suggestions that you can work with.
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So here we go.
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Number one, no more minimizing or making excuses for their current lifestyle.
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They aren't simply lost or stuck.
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They aren't even emerging adults.
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They are choosing to stay in the safest, most comfortable place.
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What is keeping them from moving forward is fear.
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Fear of being judged, fear of failing, fear of the unknown.
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You have an adult child who is afraid to grow up, and it's time you see it for what it is and stop allowing this to carry on.
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Number two, change the dynamic of your relationship.
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Whatever is going on right now
between the two of you has to evolve.
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Your relationship needs to become more honest.
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Connect with them, have regular conversations that are meaningful and engaging.
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Not just when will you get a job, but what would you like to do with your life if you weren't afraid to fail?
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That's one of my favorite questions to ask young adults.
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To start connecting with your son or daughter, take an interest in what they like, what they want, and who they are.
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They'll be surprised at first, but they'll like it.
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Have conversations about their goals, their values, their future, and what kind of life they want to build.
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Connection has to come before correction.
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They need a parent who is emotionally invested in them, who believes in their ability and isn't afraid to let them know.
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Number three, stop doing for your young adult what they are capable of doing for themselves.
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Stop making their appointments, stop managing their responsibilities, stop cleaning up their messes, and stop removing every obstacle from their path.
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They need to become responsible for their own life.
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This will help them overcome their insecurities and develop self-confidence and self-efficacy.
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Every time you step in and do something they could have done for themselves, you're sending the message, I don't think you're capable.
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And then you wonder why they aren't doing anything.
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Number four, don't be afraid to set and uphold consequences.
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Your adult child needs a push.
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They need some skin in the game, and that's what consequences do.
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For example, if you continue gaming all day, then this will happen.
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If you choose not to work, then that will happen.
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If you're not contributing to the household, and so on.
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Consequences, my friend, are not punishments.
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They help your young adult understand that their choices have outcomes.
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Being an adult is full of them.
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Your job is to not make life easier so they never struggle.
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Your job is to help create the consequences and conditions where they learn that they are capable of handling life.
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And number five, become the parent they need now.
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Look at your adult child.
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Do you see someone who is capable but just wasting time?
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They need to know you believe in them.
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They don't need you to manage their life and rescue them from every mistake or keep lowering the bar.
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They need a parent who tells them they are capable of doing more.
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A parent who is willing to have difficult conversations, set healthy boundaries, and lovingly hold them accountable.
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Your job is not to parent a child, it is to help launch an adult.
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I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
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Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode.
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Please share this with someone who would benefit from it.
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And if you really do love listening to Launch, leaving a review really helps us to get in front of more parents who also want to help their adults grow.
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As always, thank you for being here.