TRANSKRIPTIO 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:04.475 --> 00:00:09.467
Hey, it's Kate Brownfield from ADHDkidscanthrive.com. I'm your host and your
00:00:09.467 --> 00:00:14.337
guest today, and we're going to talk about homework with our children who have
00:00:14.337 --> 00:00:18.453
ADHD and why reminders don't work and what might help instead.
00:00:18.702 --> 00:00:24.487
If homework in your house has turned into you asking some version of your child
00:00:24.487 --> 00:00:27.677
on a nightly basis, did you check Google Classroom?
00:00:27.886 --> 00:00:30.365
Did you start your homework? Did you finish your homework?
00:00:30.603 --> 00:00:33.586
Are you sure there isn't anything else due for tomorrow?
00:00:33.830 --> 00:00:38.627
And if this is happening night after night, you will learn as a parent that
00:00:38.627 --> 00:00:42.689
homework can become so much more than just getting the homework done.
00:00:42.892 --> 00:00:48.267
Child starts to get frustrated, you get frustrated, you're trying to be helpful,
00:00:48.267 --> 00:00:52.477
but you feel like it's not working, and you get to a point where it's like,
00:00:52.477 --> 00:00:55.611
am I actually helping anymore, and what can I do?
00:00:55.843 --> 00:00:58.957
And there's one question parents always ask me, and.
00:00:59.377 --> 00:01:02.948
I reflected on this all the time as a parent of my children,
00:01:03.209 --> 00:01:09.507
am I supporting their development of skills around organizational skills,
00:01:09.507 --> 00:01:12.960
planning, thinking, time management when it comes to homework,
00:01:13.193 --> 00:01:16.414
or am I just being the skill on their behalf?
00:01:16.641 --> 00:01:20.565
And that's really what I want to explore with you on this episode.
00:01:20.815 --> 00:01:25.297
I'm not going to give you 10 homework hacks. I want to help you zoom in on what
00:01:25.297 --> 00:01:30.027
is happening with homework, but also zoom out and think about the bigger goal.
00:01:30.288 --> 00:01:34.741
Because getting your child through school in a good way is really the name of the game.
00:01:34.967 --> 00:01:39.420
And by in a good way, I don't mean perfectly or happily.
00:01:39.646 --> 00:01:43.280
I don't mean without missed assignments or frustrating nights.
00:01:43.518 --> 00:01:45.747
I mean helping them get through school.
00:01:46.467 --> 00:01:52.940
Growing capability, less shame, and a relationship with you that isn't completely
00:01:52.940 --> 00:01:55.238
consumed by homework management.
00:01:55.441 --> 00:02:00.329
Tonight's workshop worksheet matters. Tonight's worksheet matters.
00:02:00.596 --> 00:02:06.494
But the bigger question is, what is my child learning about themselves as they move through school?
00:02:06.697 --> 00:02:09.830
So let's start by zooming all the way in.
00:02:10.091 --> 00:02:14.540
Where is homework actually breaking down? Before we try to fix the homework
00:02:14.540 --> 00:02:19.692
problem. We need to understand where the process is breaking down for the child who is in front of you.
00:02:19.954 --> 00:02:23.216
When my son was in junior high, his backpack was a mess.
00:02:23.466 --> 00:02:27.530
Everything was in there. Papers, old papers, assignments, pencils,
00:02:27.530 --> 00:02:30.590
fidgets, food, things that supposedly
00:02:30.590 --> 00:02:33.746
had been turned in but somehow were still living in the backpack.
00:02:33.978 --> 00:02:37.583
If you have this child, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
00:02:37.821 --> 00:02:40.750
And I remember looking ahead toward high school and thinking,
00:02:40.750 --> 00:02:42.018
we got to figure this out.
00:02:42.285 --> 00:02:45.690
And I was looking for an executive function coach or a tutor,
00:02:45.690 --> 00:02:50.160
some kind of outside support that would help my son.
00:02:50.375 --> 00:02:56.210
And I came across this book called The Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week,
00:02:56.210 --> 00:03:03.599
Helping Disorganized and Distracted Boys Succeed in School and Life by Anna Homayun. And I read it.
00:03:03.871 --> 00:03:09.430
There's a section about doing this very detailed binder system to transport
00:03:09.430 --> 00:03:14.590
and keep work organized by subject and transport the work back and forth from
00:03:14.590 --> 00:03:18.661
school to home, home to school, in a very organized way.
00:03:18.894 --> 00:03:22.353
And I remember thinking this makes a lot of sense and also.
00:03:22.639 --> 00:03:28.014
There is absolutely no way my child's going to do all of this. So I adapted it.
00:03:28.275 --> 00:03:32.582
And looking back, I think that might have been one of the most useful lessons.
00:03:32.582 --> 00:03:39.672
I didn't say, here's the ADHD system, and now we need to do exactly what she
00:03:39.672 --> 00:03:42.515
is saying in the exact way she is saying it.
00:03:42.736 --> 00:03:48.355
Instead, I said, what part of this actually might work for the child that I have in front of me?
00:03:48.529 --> 00:03:54.272
And for us, that meant we simplified the recommended binder system that she
00:03:54.272 --> 00:03:55.617
writes about in her book.
00:03:55.867 --> 00:03:59.588
We really pared it down and kept it very, very simple.
00:03:59.837 --> 00:04:04.882
And was it perfect? Absolutely not. There were definitely times when I wanted
00:04:04.882 --> 00:04:09.641
to say the binder is literally right there, but it worked well enough.
00:04:09.879 --> 00:04:14.292
And what mattered was that there was now something outside of his brain helping
00:04:14.292 --> 00:04:17.797
him to do some of the remembering and organizing.
00:04:17.971 --> 00:04:20.438
And that is a very important distinction.
00:04:20.647 --> 00:04:24.768
Sometimes our kids don't need another reminder to remember better.
00:04:25.001 --> 00:04:29.337
They need a system that requires less remembering.
00:04:29.592 --> 00:04:33.261
We often say, go do your homework, as though homework is one thing.
00:04:33.534 --> 00:04:36.883
But homework actually
Load full transcript
asks a child to do quite a lot.
00:04:37.116 --> 00:04:41.872
They need to know what was assigned, know where their materials are to be able
00:04:41.872 --> 00:04:45.080
to complete that assignment, figure out where to begin.
00:04:45.341 --> 00:04:50.882
Then they got to get themselves started, stick with the work that is needed,
00:04:50.882 --> 00:04:55.337
finish it, deal with their emotional frustration that's coming soon.
00:04:55.633 --> 00:04:58.652
Up around doing this work and finish it.
00:04:58.919 --> 00:05:02.482
And then somehow remember to get the finished work where it needs to go.
00:05:02.697 --> 00:05:07.165
So your child can completely understand a math assignment and be really good
00:05:07.165 --> 00:05:11.521
at math and still struggle terribly with everything around math.
00:05:11.776 --> 00:05:16.077
That's one of the most useful questions, I think, as a parent you can ask.
00:05:16.333 --> 00:05:19.526
Where is the process breaking down for my child?
00:05:19.787 --> 00:05:23.735
Not why won't They just do it. Why won't they just finish it?
00:05:23.735 --> 00:05:25.569
Just do your homework, right?
00:05:25.807 --> 00:05:27.931
Where is this breaking down?
00:05:28.197 --> 00:05:32.801
Because why they won't do it puts us into a battle with our child.
00:05:33.027 --> 00:05:36.295
Where is this breaking down makes you as a parent curious.
00:05:36.533 --> 00:05:42.977
And curiosity gives us information. Sometimes the problem isn't just organization.
00:05:43.180 --> 00:05:46.570
Sometimes homework has emotional weight attached to it.
00:05:46.831 --> 00:05:51.086
I recently had Brendan Mahan on the podcast talking about what he calls the
00:05:51.086 --> 00:05:54.587
wall of awful. And homework is a great place to see that.
00:05:54.831 --> 00:05:59.306
If your child has had enough difficult experiences with school,
00:05:59.306 --> 00:06:03.218
around school, around homework, sitting down doing the homework at night,
00:06:03.473 --> 00:06:06.103
there's frustration there. There's embarrassment.
00:06:06.375 --> 00:06:10.282
There's a sense of being behind, a feeling of here we go.
00:06:10.503 --> 00:06:14.916
So sometimes the better question isn't, how do I get them to start?
00:06:14.916 --> 00:06:18.305
It's, what is making starting feel so hard?
00:06:18.514 --> 00:06:22.484
And then maybe we lower the doorway into the task.
00:06:22.699 --> 00:06:25.944
Let's see what's due. Let's figure out where to begin.
00:06:26.165 --> 00:06:28.092
Let's do the first piece together.
00:06:28.330 --> 00:06:34.564
Not because you as a parent are taking over, but because sometimes starting is the hardest part.
00:06:34.826 --> 00:06:36.866
Behavior is information it's
00:06:36.866 --> 00:06:41.658
telling us. So let's talk about making a plan that matches the problem.
00:06:41.919 --> 00:06:46.250
Once we understand a little bit more about what is happening, we can make a plan.
00:06:46.476 --> 00:06:53.117
And I mean a plan,
not 15 ADHD strategy. Parents have plenty of information.
00:06:53.355 --> 00:06:58.056
I know many of you read the books, you listen to social media experts,
00:06:58.056 --> 00:07:02.476
you listen to podcasts, and you could still be standing in your kitchen at 730
00:07:02.476 --> 00:07:04.713
at night going, why won't they just get the homework done?
00:07:04.934 --> 00:07:09.514
So let's bring it down to what is the next thing that actually happens.
00:07:09.788 --> 00:07:14.310
My child might need. Maybe your child comes home from school completely spent.
00:07:14.565 --> 00:07:19.355
They've been sitting, focusing, following directions. Maybe they've been getting in trouble all day.
00:07:19.604 --> 00:07:24.829
They're navigating social experiences. They're trying to hold things together all day.
00:07:25.061 --> 00:07:28.910
Even when they're getting in trouble, they're trying to hold it together all day.
00:07:29.118 --> 00:07:36.410
And then we say, okay, come home, do your homework, and then move on with life, right? So.
00:07:36.758 --> 00:07:39.800
Let's think about this. Maybe they need a little transition.
00:07:40.009 --> 00:07:44.136
Maybe they need food, water, movement, some downtime.
00:07:44.397 --> 00:07:48.570
Not because the homework is going to go away, but because timing matters.
00:07:48.797 --> 00:07:50.991
Maybe getting started is the sticky point.
00:07:51.230 --> 00:07:56.048
Then the first step needs to be tiny, a tiny first step. Open the Google Classroom,
00:07:56.048 --> 00:07:59.199
find the assignment. Let's do the first problem together.
00:07:59.437 --> 00:08:01.358
Just put your name at the top of the paper.
00:08:01.619 --> 00:08:05.348
Maybe your child works better when somebody is nearby. You might want to sit
00:08:05.348 --> 00:08:09.590
at the kitchen table doing your own work while they work. That's called body doubling.
00:08:09.816 --> 00:08:13.328
You're not hovering. You're not nagging. You're just simply there with them.
00:08:13.582 --> 00:08:18.994
The goal here is not to collect strategies. The goal is to match the support
00:08:19.226 --> 00:08:21.147
to where your child needs the support.
00:08:21.356 --> 00:08:25.398
You have my permission to do that. Okay, the other point I want to make is when
00:08:25.398 --> 00:08:29.565
helping starts to cause parents. So I want to zoom out just a little bit.
00:08:29.826 --> 00:08:33.898
Because there was another part of the binder story personally that I understand
00:08:33.898 --> 00:08:36.055
very differently now in my life.
00:08:36.321 --> 00:08:40.808
My son did not use the binder perfectly, as I mentioned, but when he didn't
00:08:40.808 --> 00:08:42.829
use it, I would get frustrated.
00:08:43.067 --> 00:08:47.018
And at the time, I was thinking, just use the binder, or why didn't you turn
00:08:47.018 --> 00:08:49.505
that in? It was right there attached to the binder.
00:08:49.766 --> 00:08:54.514
But looking back, I see there was another
layer underneath my frustration.
00:08:54.774 --> 00:08:58.968
When the system failed, the work came back to me. If the assignment disappeared,
00:08:58.968 --> 00:09:02.028
suddenly I was thinking about it. Where is it? Was it turned in?
00:09:02.028 --> 00:09:03.731
Can we find another copy?
00:09:03.980 --> 00:09:09.960
What's going to happen to the great, right? His missing work was taking up space in my brain.
00:09:10.191 --> 00:09:13.538
And I had my own life, my own work, my own responsibilities,
00:09:13.538 --> 00:09:15.957
things I wanted to actually think about.
00:09:16.182 --> 00:09:20.398
I had already done school, and I didn't particularly want to do it again.
00:09:20.607 --> 00:09:22.104
And that gets exhausting.
00:09:22.354 --> 00:09:25.674
I don't think parents need to feel guilty admitting that.
00:09:25.814 --> 00:09:30.158
You can love your child deeply and also be tired of carrying so much of their
00:09:30.158 --> 00:09:31.960
executive functioning, right?
00:09:32.193 --> 00:09:36.425
Sometimes underneath, why can't you just do that, is actually...
00:09:36.704 --> 00:09:40.094
I don't think I can keep carrying this for both, and that matters.
00:09:40.344 --> 00:09:45.544
Because if the entire homework system only works because one exhausted parent
00:09:45.544 --> 00:09:50.113
is holding the whole thing together, that system probably needs to evolve eventually.
00:09:50.351 --> 00:09:55.274
And that brings me back to, am I supporting their skill development,
00:09:55.274 --> 00:09:57.339
or am I the skill for them?
00:09:57.566 --> 00:10:02.425
And I want to be very clear here, I'm not saying they're old enough, let them fail.
00:10:02.622 --> 00:10:06.871
That is far too simplistic for kids with ADHD. There's a lot of nuance in that.
00:10:07.080 --> 00:10:11.887
And it's very custom based on who your child is in front of you.
00:10:12.090 --> 00:10:18.667
Sometimes our kids need scaffolding for way longer than we expected and envisioned in our mind.
00:10:18.882 --> 00:10:22.156
And that is okay. And scaffolding can change.
00:10:22.400 --> 00:10:26.022
And that's my whole point. So that brings us to the bigger picture here.
00:10:26.260 --> 00:10:30.010
You do not have to be your child's entire team for their entire life.
00:10:30.225 --> 00:10:35.484
Sometimes growing independence doesn't mean they need less support.
00:10:35.484 --> 00:10:37.342
It means the support moves.
00:10:37.562 --> 00:10:44.598
Maybe more of the support comes through a teacher, the resource specialist at their school, a tutor.
00:10:44.842 --> 00:10:48.744
Maybe your child begins having one of those conversations with their teacher
00:10:48.744 --> 00:10:50.641
that you used to have on their behalf.
00:10:50.902 --> 00:10:56.565
They are still supported, but you no longer are the only person holding the whole thing together.
00:10:56.792 --> 00:11:00.604
And that can be really important for your relationship, because eventually we
00:11:00.604 --> 00:11:05.304
don't want every conversation with our child to be, did you do this?
00:11:05.304 --> 00:11:07.548
Did you turn it in? What's due tomorrow?
00:11:07.821 --> 00:11:13.371
Did you check portal? We don't want our primary role to become homework manager.
00:11:13.615 --> 00:11:18.904
And this is where I want to zoom all the way out. We are not just trying to
00:11:18.904 --> 00:11:20.761
get tonight's worksheet turned in.
00:11:20.987 --> 00:11:25.463
We're trying to help our children get through school in a good way. Not perfectly.
00:11:25.804 --> 00:11:30.785
Not without struggle, but in a way that helps them understand themselves,
00:11:31.005 --> 00:11:36.944
in a way that builds capability, in a way that teaches them, this is hard for me.
00:11:37.176 --> 00:11:40.230
This is what's going to help me. I know I need support.
00:11:40.439 --> 00:11:45.466
I'm capable of asking for help. I can make a mistake and recover from it.
00:11:45.727 --> 00:11:51.082
That is the larger goal. And homework is one of those places where we practice
00:11:51.082 --> 00:11:55.228
it on a regular basis over time, over years.
00:11:55.455 --> 00:11:59.182
And there's another piece here that I think parents need permission to look at.
00:11:59.425 --> 00:12:02.992
I grew up with a strong belief that school was something you did correctly.
00:12:02.992 --> 00:12:07.471
You met expectations, you turned things in, you did what you were supposed to do.
00:12:07.680 --> 00:12:13.154
So when my child wasn't succeeding inside that system, some of it started to feel very personal.
00:12:13.386 --> 00:12:18.302
And under that was a really hard, harder question for me. If my child isn't
00:12:18.302 --> 00:12:20.573
succeeding, does that mean I'm failing too?
00:12:21.386 --> 00:12:26.378
This one's taken me years to work through. I don't think I consciously understood
00:12:26.517 --> 00:12:30.563
that at the time, but now I'm wiser for it.
00:12:30.772 --> 00:12:35.841
And when I reflect back, it definitely was something that was happening in the background.
00:12:36.096 --> 00:12:40.102
When your child's school performance starts to feel like you're a report card
00:12:40.102 --> 00:12:43.103
too, stepping back can feel terrifying.
00:12:43.318 --> 00:12:46.725
It doesn't feel like I'm giving my child room to grow.
00:12:46.940 --> 00:12:51.602
It can feel like everything is going to fall apart. So sometimes we need to
00:12:51.602 --> 00:12:53.371
get curious about ourselves too.
00:12:53.603 --> 00:12:56.703
What does my child genuinely need from me right now?
00:12:56.918 --> 00:13:01.753
What am I doing because I'm afraid of what might happen if I don't?
00:13:02.003 --> 00:13:06.420
Those are not always the same thing. And this is where advocacy comes in.
00:13:06.676 --> 00:13:10.345
When our kids are younger, we may do a lot of the advocating for them.
00:13:10.583 --> 00:13:14.932
We help teachers understand what they need. We ask
questions when something
00:13:14.932 --> 00:13:17.386
isn't working. We help connect the dots.
00:13:17.653 --> 00:13:21.465
But as they grow, part of getting through school in a good way is helping them
00:13:21.465 --> 00:13:24.497
develop their own voice. For them to say, I'm confused.
00:13:24.735 --> 00:13:30.308
I need help. This isn't working for me. What do I do next? That is self-advocacy.
00:13:30.529 --> 00:13:32.717
And to me, that is part of thriving.
00:13:32.961 --> 00:13:38.034
Independence does not mean I never need anybody. None of us live that way.
00:13:38.284 --> 00:13:44.995
It means I understand myself well enough to recognize when I need support and know what to do next.
00:13:45.215 --> 00:13:49.675
So I don't want to leave you with 10 homework strategies. I want to bring you
00:13:49.675 --> 00:13:52.174
all the way back to this moment.
00:13:52.418 --> 00:13:56.627
Think about one part of your child's school life that you currently carry,
00:13:56.876 --> 00:14:01.381
something you remind them about, something you manage, something you keep track of.
00:14:01.636 --> 00:14:05.625
Don't stop doing it tomorrow because I'm having you reflect on it.
00:14:05.625 --> 00:14:10.995
Just notice it and ask yourself, does my child still genuinely need me to own
00:14:10.995 --> 00:14:13.937
this exactly the way I'm owning it right now?
00:14:14.146 --> 00:14:17.327
And maybe the answer is yes, and that's totally fine.
00:14:17.594 --> 00:14:22.824
But maybe there's one small part that they could begin taking over.
00:14:23.051 --> 00:14:24.804
Maybe the plan needs to change.
00:14:25.036 --> 00:14:28.072
Maybe somebody else needs to become part of the team.
00:14:28.328 --> 00:14:32.571
Maybe something needs to be advocated for your child at school.
00:14:32.774 --> 00:14:37.656
Homework gives us these little daily moments to practice the bigger work.
00:14:37.917 --> 00:14:42.527
The missing worksheet, the messy backpack, child who can't get started.
00:14:42.782 --> 00:14:46.972
Those moments can feel incredibly small and incredibly irritating.
00:14:47.239 --> 00:14:50.339
But underneath them, we're helping a young person learn.
00:14:50.577 --> 00:14:56.265
What do I need? What helps me? Who can support me? And what do I do when something
00:14:56.265 --> 00:14:58.083
doesn't go the way I planned?
00:14:58.338 --> 00:15:03.095
That is the bigger picture. And that brings me back to the idea I want you to
00:15:03.095 --> 00:15:07.092
hear again and again on ADHD Kids Can Thrive.
00:15:07.301 --> 00:15:10.993
Understand what they need. Make a plan.
00:15:11.267 --> 00:15:15.084
Build a team and advocate as they grow.
00:15:15.384 --> 00:15:18.610
Help them learn to do more and more of that for themselves.
00:15:18.871 --> 00:15:23.634
Because getting our kids through school is not just about getting the assignments turned in.
00:15:23.634 --> 00:15:29.088
It is helping them get through school in a good way with growing capability,
00:15:29.315 --> 00:15:34.231
less shame, and knowing that struggle does not mean they are incapable.
00:15:34.452 --> 00:15:37.912
They can struggle and they can still figure out what to do next.
00:15:38.127 --> 00:15:46.695
And to me, my friends, that is part of what it means to thrive in school, at home, and in life.