TRANSKRIPTIO 🔗
Shannon: Hi, Ashley. Thank you so much for being on In Between Them today. I'm so excited to talk to you.
Ashley Noelle: Me too. Thank you for having me.
Shannon: I'm so excited to talk to you for so many reasons because I think what you're doing is so fantastic. I think it hits on many things and many relevant things, many very basic things that I think get overlooked. And but at the crux of it, it's to strengthen and just create such a peaceful, strong, blended family situation, which I think gets overlooked and isn't. isn't its own topic that people are kind of trying to tackle. And so I just love that that is kind of what you have come to. And I want to, you know, have you tell your story so we can figure out how you kind of landed there. But for just to kind of start, just give a little brief intro of of you and kind of your current situation and maybe how you just briefly came to creating this. And then we'll dive into kind of all the specifics and details.
Ashley Noelle: Yeah. so I currently am in a blended family of five. That's three boys and two girls came together. and honestly, I had been in a I grew up in a blended family, and then I was previously in one in my first marriage. ages were a little different, so it was a different kind of structure. And this time we were, you know, coming into this with some preteens and then teenagers now. And we just started like having these like when you can tell there's a little bit of an animal, the like elephant in the room, a little bit of eggshells. Everyone moved in and it's kind of awkward. and really my biggest push to my partner was just I think we should start asking them questions. I think we should start talking to them and honestly like let's hear from the kids and as a family you know, what do we need to do and what structure do we need to build for this new family? Because it's not, you know, it's not this typical boy meets girl, we get married, then we have kids. We've both had existing lives before. We've had, you know, nine to ten years with our kids already. And we need to bring some of those what we can bring together that's similar or what we need to change, but what is our family going to look like go forward? So we had no plan to make this into a product at all. It was truly something we just did as as a family. family like at our at our coffee table and it just kind of grew from there. I had a couple people just mention like this would be so helpful for the community. And I realized there really wasn't a lot of resources or tools in this way that were available for blended families when it's such a big part of our population now.
Shannon: When was that? Like when you said, hey, we need to just start asking them questions and it kind of started the snowball. How long ago was that?
Ashley Noelle: that was about three years ago. I'd say we were living together maybe four to six months, something around that time frame. because when we first moved in, you know, it was there's excitement, it's fun, you know, it's new, let's figure it out. And then shortly after, when like real life is settling in
Shannon: Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: and school routines or sports or food, you start to realize like there's a lot of, you know, little things that can add up to a lot of tension. And I just not that I can none of us can you know force our family to figure it out and it can't happen overnight. but what were just some things we could start to ask our kids to honestly just see like what's going on? What do you guys need? How can we help? And that's where these grew.
Shannon: Yeah. Well, and I think as I, you know, I'm kind of talking to your children in th fifteen years, you know, is kind of my my niche. And as you're saying that, I'm thinking about all of the people that I've talked to who continually say, I just wish someone would have heard me. I wish someone would have asked me. I wish I could have offered up an opinion or a thought or felt like I mattered. And I would imagine that simply asking questions. gives children, even if it is a disagreement, or even if, you know, you say that's great, I don't think that's what we're gonna do, or whatever it is, they're still a part of it and they still feel heard and they feel like they matter and and then it becomes like a working conversation where I'm sure wonderful different things come out of it that isn't even what you guys started with, you know, and and I think that It may be a blend, you know, a the impetus behind it is this blended bond. And I love that, but I don't see any reason why it's just not for parents talking to kids, you know, or or maybe kids
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: who are where their parents have gone through a divorce and there isn't a new person involved, but there's just so much going on for that child. That no one is asking them questions about. And so I just think you've really hit on something really important. especially this day and age where kids seem to be very disconnected.
Ashley Noelle: Right.
Shannon: you're like forcing them to connect in the most natural, beautiful way. And I I just think that's wonderful. I, you know, I wanted to ask you too, When like so you said th about three years ago, when did you actually come out with the cards? Like the actual game itself? Wow.
Ashley Noelle: Last October. So not even a year ago. Well, it took about maybe a year and a half to two years of working on it when I actually decided to finally add a friend. She's like, You should make this. And so I had to do a lot of digging, how to create a business, how to create this brand. I have a design background and graphic design, so that part was easy, but I had n no idea about the rest and how to go about this. So it was a lot of silent work for I'd say about a year and a half. And then yeah, just last October is when we started selling them and launching them. and I was nervous because I'm, you know, you're putting something out there. It's a little vulnerable.
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And I actually had a cousin of mine who he's a very big like entrepreneur of different businesses and he's younger than me. And he actually said, he's like, Ashley, he's like, just put it out there. He's like, you're doing something actually more for like humanity, where if it's not perfect, you'll figure it out and people will give grace. He's like, it's not like you're, you know, doing this as like a product driven thing. This is more like from the heart. He's like, I think you just
Shannon: Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: go for it. And honestly, it was like the biggest push that I needed because I can sometimes feel like a perfectionist with like I want it to be perfect. And and honestly, it was realizing that I just need to like let it go and we'll work through. through it and let's just see how it responds.
Shannon: Yeah. What great advice, you know. Yeah, absolutely.
Ashley Noelle: Yeah, right.
Shannon: I think that a lot of us get stuck into, you know, I'm not ready yet. It's not ready yet. You know, even starting my podcast, I was like, I don't have the right space. What about this? I don't have and then finally this woman said, Just start recording. Just like your message is what people need to hear. So just start recording. And I was like, Okay. Yes. Absolutely.
Ashley Noelle: Yep. Yep. The route doesn't matter, just getting it out there. I actually tell my kids a lot, because I do it myself. I always say like in my head, one, two, three, jump. Like you're gonna like jump off a cliff or like into a water or something. I tell that to myself and I tell it my daughter a lot, because she gets a little like hesitant on things. I'm like, one, two, three, jump, girl, like just go. And like we go from there.
Shannon: Yeah, that's wonderful. Yeah, yeah, I love that. Well, if you could just kind of, you know, take me back through your blended family story. So I know you said you grew up in that. And I don't know if that means your parents were together and got divorced or if you found yourself as a child in a blended family. So kind of take me through a little bit of your blended family journey and experience.
Ashley Noelle: Yeah, it's kind of a unique layer. So when I have a older sister, she's eighteen months older than me. and she was actually given up for adoption right at birth. Then I was born about a year later and my parents they were married at the time, but they divorced when I was about two. And then my mother met my stepfather when I was about three years old, maybe. He's the main father figure that I had growing up, so it's my stepdad. And then they had my younger brother, 10 years apart. So, and then my sister, who was given up for adoption, has been back since she's been like 17 in the family, like Like not like you would never guess that we weren't raised together. And so we have this wild layer of like None of us, actually minus my younger brother, none of us really have had like that full family, you know, nuclear unit. We've all had this
a little bit of dicey PC upbringing. except my brother, which is funny. We joked about it recently at a family reunion. We're like, yours your parents are the only ones that are like you're still together after all this time. and so growing up, that was, I mean, my My main childhood was all with my stepfather. I did meet my biological dad when I was 16. And we had like a short relationship until I was about 20 or 21 and he passed away. but being raised, it was, you know, kind of instant. Yes, I, you know, my stepdad took me in as his own. But I had so many questions and unanswered, you know, feelings or understanding of what went on. And I always knew I had this, you know, sister. And then all of a sudden I had a, you know, a brother ten years later. And just trying to figure that out as a teenager was just a lot of you want to be able to like make sense of things and and I you know I don't ever knock my parents for anything because it was just a different time but they weren't asking the questions and I didn't really have that voice to, you know, express what I was needing either.
Shannon: Was there ever a point where you feel like you got clarity or answers that you were looking for or that you knew exactly what you needed?
Ashley Noelle: I think older. when I entered my twenties, I started doing a lot of digging myself of understanding, you know, my father, my upbringing, my you know, my relationship with my sister. We've kind of had to navigate that on our own of understanding what that would look like and kind of piecing together, you know, what did all happen and how did we come to be? And 'cause I think a lot, you know, we can hear our mom goes through, you know, her own things and feelings. So we all share the same mother. of the you know the journey. but we remind her that like without any of those, you know, core moments that you've had in these, you know, three children, all three of us wouldn't be here in this like, you know, this life, this family, these grandchildren, they wouldn't all be here without that. So it's it really took a lot of my own deep diving. Whether it was figuring out my connections to my family, doing a lot of therapy, just because I think in that space, I felt so like a void, just a big giant, like missing puzzle piece within me to under like I think all of us really want to know like where do we come from? Who are we? Like where's our family? All of that. And when those pieces were so sporadic, it's hard to find like, okay, how do I place these and where do they belong and what relationships do I build with these individuals now too?
Shannon: So when you so did you ever try when you were young to ask questions or because I you know, I think that having these feelings is one thing, but knowing how to ask and and knowing how I not just ask, I guess, how to articulate what it is you're wondering about, you know, not to mention all the feelings around it, but just even having the words to say, you know.
Ashley Noelle: Yeah, I remember a handful of times trying to, you know, express a feeling or ask some questions. that's where I think my parents just, you know, different time and different understanding. They really just were like, You're a kid, like don't worry about it, or like kind of gets brushed under, or you don't need to talk about that now, or you don't need to worry about that now. which I understand, like that happens in a lot of families, but I think that leaves the child feeling so lost and
Shannon: Mm-hmm. Absolutely.
Ashley Noelle: like and then kind of also feeling like my does my feelings not matter? Do my you know what I'm expressing not mean anything? and you want it to feel like some value to your parents too.
Shannon: Yeah, I think it's funny. I I think probably in general, kids are like that, right? In any even in-tect family, kids still
Ashley Noelle: Yes, yeah.
Shannon: want to feel these certain things. They still are gonna have questions and they may still have parents that are married and happily married that still don't communicate well or answer their questions, you know. But when you layer in these other layers of family dynamics, whether it's a blended family or a divorced family. I think you have kids that have more questions. And then when there isn't an answer given, I think what I've discovered is kids are then filling in those gaps a lot of times. And
Ashley Noelle: Yes.
Shannon: then most often, unfortunately, they're filling in those gaps with inaccurate information or oftentimes blaming themselves for things that are entirely not their fault. Did you find that you did any kind of filling in the gaps for yourself until you got more information?
Ashley Noelle: Yeah, I think I always like or and and almost maybe in a positive way too, like I would kind of create like, this is mu what must have happened or this is how the story must have went for my own, you know, sake of needing something. And then as I got older starting to dig and figure out, you know, the real things. But it is kind of like it sounds wild to say, but now I'm thinking back. I'm like, you almost kind of create your own version of a I don't want to say fantasy world, like I need to create some sort of story to make sense of this life for me, until I figure out. And I think so it is a little bit of like living in this, this is what I created that my family, you know, maybe was or would have been.
Shannon: Right.
Ashley Noelle: and then getting older and just really putting some real, you know, facts to it and understanding. And I think honestly, too, it took me a long time, even like probably to my mid thirties, of even like having like grace for my parents because I think I had a lot of anger for a lot of time of the unknown of just why didn't they talk about this? Why didn't they ask about my feelings or why did they expose me to like, you know, you know, these different scenarios without giving any context. So it took a long time to almost forgive
and kind of move forward.
Shannon: Mm-hmm.
Ashley Noelle: But I needed to do that, you know, for my own sake of my relationship with my parents.
Shannon: Yeah, I think as you probably have navigated your journey and you're finding how critical communication is in these situations, it's gotta make you reflect and be like, you know, and
Ashley Noelle: That's just
Shannon: not like you're and to your point, you're not blaming them, but it
Ashley Noelle: No.
Shannon: you can't help but be like, gosh, you guys, it wasn't that hard. You know, it could have been so much easier. It's it's like very eye opening.
Ashley Noelle: Yeah. Yeah. One hundred percent. And I think, especially after like having my daughter becoming a stepmom, kind of living in the shoes that my mom or, you know, stepdad were in. I just wanted to do different. And granted I'll I know one of these days, you know, my kid's gonna have an issue with something that I did. But I wanted to do the best that I can with what I'm given right now. And I think it would have like The only thing that made sense is what did I need as a preteen? What did I need as a teenager in this same scenario? how can I, you know, make this you know, journey a little bit easier for my daughter or my stepsons? just kind of putting yourself in their shoes, which is the another simple thing to say and do, but it means so much because we can all like guess and they're just kids, but they're They're humans and they're gonna grow up and have, you know, this history and what does their childhood reflect back on. And I just wanna do my best, you know, now and going
Shannon: Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: forward.
Shannon: Yeah, absolutely. I I wanted to ask when you kind of connected with your dad when you were sixteen, did you get clarity out of and I'm sorry that he passed really early, it sounds like.
Ashley Noelle: Yeah, I didn't exactly get clarity at that time. I more got like the almost a little bit of Disney dad, like he told me all these, you know, great elaborate things about him or his life, or, you know, the time that he did spend with me when I was a baby. so it was kind of like that instant like dopamine hit. I was like, my gosh, cool, like awesome. And then as it like settled in and I got older, I was understanding what he was going through. my biological dad suffered from alcoholism. So I had it was a lot of like just the good fun stories and not a lot of the, you know know, truth and hard part in it as well. So when I as I grew up and as I got older, I was able to ask a little bit more from him, but I actually learned more from one of his ex-wives, who's I call my stepmom. She has shared probably the most information loving and the hard stuff with me about my dad. They just had a really beautiful relationship in marriage. They were kind of like best friends and she went through a lot of hard times with him. And so when we were, we actually met at his funeral and it was it's like one of my favorite relationships that grew from my dad's side because she gave so much context and like factual information that helped me finally piece together like who my dad was. beautiful and the hard parts, but it just gave me so many answers that I needed filled so bad. And I knew like my mom wasn't one that wanted to talk about him or anything. So I knew I that was like the that was the information I needed to hear. And it took until his funeral unfortunately, but it finally brought a lot of peace to a lot of things.
Shannon: That's absolutely amazing. You know,
Ashley Noelle: No.
Shannon: I mean, what a what a f what a wonderful person to be willing to give that all to you. And how wonderful
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: for you to feel comfortable with her to get, you know, I mean, I and what a gift to get that information because, like you said, the beautiful and the hard, but it's all it's all part of the story, you know, and and
Ashley Noelle: That's all needed. Mm-hmm.
Shannon: yeah, so that's really pretty amazing.
Ashley Noelle: Yeah, she's a special human. That's where I'm like it's funny, I call her my stepmom because like if they would have been, you know, together still,
Shannon: Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: she would have been. but it's the relationship that we have. We, you know, stay in touch. She I see her when I'm you know, in her area for the holidays. She always has like she just actually sent me recently some pictures more pictures she came across. so she always gives me like visuals of him or he was a singer, so I have a lot of his audio tracks and she just was able to share so much. But then she also, like I said, she did share the hard times of what the ugly part looked like. And as hard as it's how as hard as it is to hear, it was it just made so much more sense of what life was and why things, you know, unfolded
Shannon: Right.
Ashley Noelle: the way they did.
Shannon: Yeah. And not that you did this, but in an in a situation where, like I said, kids blame themselves. You know, let's say you had gone down that path and you had blamed yourself, you would have now had all these reasons not to blame yourself, you know. And so for a lot of kids who live in that place, I think you just very wonderfully exemplified why more information
Ashley Noelle: Mm-hmm.
Shannon: is so critical and helpful and it doesn't have to be only the good stuff. It it's it's someone's whole story and understanding all of that, you know, can be hard. But yeah. Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: It's just the truth. Like you just need the honest, the honesty. I think that's even with like our kids now, I'm very big on like I give them, you know, the truth of just here's here's the fun part, but also, you know, here's the negative part, or you know, here's the things that were great. But then there also comes with, you know, things that are not so great. because it's all about balance. And I usually I truly feel the the more you keep from your child, Obviously, like within reason, an appropriate
amount, the more you withhold from them, the more they question and are concerned and they're gonna build different scenarios. They may blame themselves, they may have anger towards you. You may see it come out in just how they're acting. And when they just are kind of begging for just a little bit of understanding, like I am here, you know, as a person, I'm gonna be an adult one day. Just give me a little bit of something to understand. so I think it's
Shannon: Yeah, yeah.
Ashley Noelle: so important to speak up with them.
Shannon: Yeah, I mean, you've said it a couple of times where you've kind of said different people reference kids and like, they're kids, they don't know, or what you know, and and it's it's funny how people say that, but then kids will shock you with the questions that they ask. And it's like we can't put them in the box of they're just kids and they don't know, and then actually just even reflect on some of the very big questions that they ask, which doesn't mean that they can handle, the adult version of the
Ashley Noelle: Okay.
Shannon: information, but they're thinking about it. And so
Ashley Noelle: yes.
Shannon: giving them something, I think, is just it's so validating for who they are. Like you said, they're humans and they have
Ashley Noelle: Yeah. Thank you.
Shannon: kind of innate ways of thinking and processing. And and yes, it's different, but it doesn't mean that it's not going on in there, you know. It's always listening.
Ashley Noelle: Yeah, they are always smarter than we think. I'm always
Shannon: Ha ha ha.
Ashley Noelle: always listening. I'm always wildly surprised the things that our kids will pick up. I'm like, you heard that? Even on the silliest things. I'm like, You were listening.
Shannon: Yeah, yeah. It it's
Ashley Noelle: Yes.
Shannon: So you you have your your own childhood story, and then you said you have kind of your second blended family story. So take me a little bit through that one. In order just to connect the dots to
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: how you, you know, came to where you are now.
Ashley Noelle: Yeah, so my first marriage, my then husband at the time, or well first boyfriend, had a child previously. which the funniest part was that I think in any other realm, if I didn't grow up the way that I grew up, it would have been a little more like deterring to like stay away, like this seems like a lot. But the fact that I grew up with such like with my stepfather, with you know, kind of this like layered, you know, childhood. It only made me feel more comfortable to enter into a blended family, like openly. And didn't mean I have I had all the answers, but I just thought like, I you know, I can do this. Like I've lived this. This should be, you know, great. And my stepdaughter, she was much younger at the time, entered when she was very young. but and it was really wonderful. we just had a lot of difficulty. with the co-parent. we had a lot of always a battle just a lot of hard times
at a younger age because I got married about I think 26 27 which I tell my kids now like don't get married until after 30
Shannon: Yeah. Absolutely agree.
Ashley Noelle: I so it it feels because I look back and I just think I'm like, it was so young, like we were going through so many hard times without even like truly growing up yet. And which was, you know, kind of along the route. We were together six years and through that our daughter was born. And then it just became very heavy. it was hard. Once my child was born, it was so hard to navigate all the difficult custody issues we were going through with being a new mom. And like, I have to, you know, be here for this little tiny human. I can't like I'm losing myself, you know, through all the, you know, the stress and hard times. we unfortunately, you know, had to dissolve ways just because it became way too much and I just didn't really feel supported as like the wife and you know stepmom that I just really needed to be I I kind of knew I wouldn't be the mom I wanted to be if I stayed in that scenario.
Shannon: Mm-hmm.
Ashley Noelle: The beautiful part is that we've never had, you know, bad terms. We had a don't get me wrong, like going through a divorce is not fun. It's still difficult. But for example, like I still have always had a relationship with that previous stepdaughter. She was actually just over this weekend to visit when my you know brother and sister were in town because she was still very connected Connected to the family. I still see her like every weekend when I'm, you know, bringing my daughter by her father's or something. So we Him and I always made an agreement that the girls would come first and what do they need? How do we keep this still healthy? Cause it wasn't on them that we needed to separate. It was just life. and we didn't want them to feel bad for any of that. So my stepdaughter, she's still been a part of my life. I love it. 'cause it feels like that's the hardest part is kind of like losing that, you know, relationship. And the best part was we just didn't actually have to lose it. It just adjusted and changed. But I knew I just needed to be, you know, in a healthier space to, you know, raise my daughter.
Shannon: Yeah. I think that, you know, from that child's perspective again, that is so profound, you keeping relationship. Because one of the biggest things that I hear people say is when my parents got divorced, then I never saw these people again. Whether it's family or family friends, just people that were important to them when their parents were together. And so you get that break of your parents, but then you lose this whole fraction of people. And
Ashley Noelle: Sure.
Shannon: it's a much bigger loss. And so for
Ashley Noelle: yeah.
Shannon: people who've described keeping, you know, keeping some of these intact and being able to still see different family members or connect keep connections, it has been a game changer for them. For people who
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: have felt like my, my kind of immediate world changed, but my village stayed the same. I
Ashley Noelle: Yes.
Shannon: think their life was as good as it could have been under the circumstances because they
Ashley Noelle: One hundred.
Shannon: were able to keep all of that around them. And so, you know, hearing you say we just decided that, you know, it's the same relationship. It just looks different essentially, from a kid's perspective. And coming over to see your family members, I mean, that
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: That's what kids need and it's it's that ability that you've had to maturely look at the situation and
Ashley Noelle: Mm.
Shannon: go, just because we made this decision that was better for us, I think people, some recognize that that doesn't mean that it's a better situation for the children. So
Ashley Noelle: Sure.
Shannon: how can we still make it fruitful for them so that they don't feel this shift that we have felt and
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: I just I commend you for being that way. Obviously, I think it has a lot to do with what you saw growing up, but also clearly you've just thought about what makes the most sense, and how children are impacted. And and that's probably so much of my message is if we could just understand more what kids are feeling in these situations, people could do divorce better. because everyone
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: does it so poorly because they're not able to do what you said, which is kind of set set yourself aside and say, I've got to do right by these kids. And then having someone who agrees with you, which is, you
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: know, a huge part of the battle, but it's a great example of being able to do that.
Ashley Noelle: And I say that you truly 'cause you can have like no one, you know, enters a marriage to get divorced. You there once was love, there was connection, you know, and so I think at the end of the day No matter what, like you just have to put your personal feelings aside a little bit when there's children involved, because now this is their childhood, you know, this is part of their life. Us as adults, I mean, even as adults, we're still figuring out how to navigate, you know, breakups and divorces, but just think of if it's so hard for us as adults, it is that much harder or more confusing for the child. So I just think overall, it's if you can remove your personal feelings, any of that, you know, there you can still feel all the things. But it's still like this child's, you know, dad, or this child's
Shannon: Mm.
Ashley Noelle: mom, or this child's upbringing. And I just really think the more that we are prioritizing the kids' perspective, because they're gonna grow up to be adults one day, it's only shaping their future, you know, it's only helping. the whole thing when you mentioned earlier about, you know, they still get to have their village. That another one of those silly comments we always hear, like it takes a
village, but it truly does. Like I love knowing that. That even you know, my daughter, she has a wonderful stepmom. And I know that she has this other village. If she needs something that maybe I can't connect with or understand, I know she has someone in her circle, in her family that can be there for her too. Doesn't change, you know, my relationship. We she doesn't love me any less. Like it's just you have extra help. Because we have that with friendships. Like we should, our kids should have that as well.
Shannon: Right. Yeah, you don't think of it like that where I have multiple friends. So you know what I mean? And they all serve different purposes. It's it's one doesn't
Ashley Noelle: Yeah. For different reasons and different things. Yeah.
Shannon: take away from the other.
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: divorce is so just warped with so much personal adult emotion. And we have these children and we bring them into the world and we know that we're responsible for them. But there's something that happens when you get divorced for a lot of people where that responsibility dims a little bit because it's like you kind of rise up a little bit in that. and it's for lots of different reasons, lots of different psychological things are going on when people have to start over or, Amicably split versus get cheated on versus just things go sideways versus violence. Like there's so much. But at the end of the day, and you kind of said it, we're responsible for their childhood. And
Ashley Noelle: Mm-hmm.
Shannon: they are going to be a version of themselves that we guide them through. And so
Ashley Noelle: Yes.
Shannon: if you truly wanted them and want to be responsible for them, then doing the best you can. You know, and back to your point, we're not perfect and we're not gonna do everything right and we're gonna mess things up, but the intention behind it I think is really what matters. And so, you know, that kind of brings us back to the blended bond and and and I will continue to say that it's a wonderful tool in the way that you created it. I do think that you have like many different versions you could blow up and make it even bigger. But
Ashley Noelle: yeah
Shannon: But talking, you know, just about this, I think the one thing that I have realized, and I think I mentioned this to you, is communication is one of the most basic things that we can do. But it breaks down for so many reasons, but then you layer that on top of the world that we live in where nobody communicates, there's such disconnection, there's such bad information, no one's really listening to anyone. And we're trying to raise kids in this environment. And so aside from, and I I really do want to get into like how you come up with the questions and the topics, and I want to know about all that. But one of the things that dawned on me as you were talking was what an amazing opportunity to model just talking. You know, aside
Ashley Noelle: Mm. Just talking.
Shannon: from all of it,
just looking at it from just purely a parenting perspective. you're modeling, hey, we sit down and we talk. We sit down and we ask questions. And like you had mentioned to me and we'll probably get into, you know, sometimes it's not like, hey, what's like what do you want to do for your life? Like what is your greatest value? It's like what makes you sad, you know, or or things that are hard. And modeling a hard conversation couldn't probably be any more valuable than right now, you know, and
Ashley Noelle: Mm-hmm.
Shannon: So I just think the basic level of communication and what it is is an incredible need across the board for everybody. But talk to me a little bit about, you know, how you come up with what's on, you know, what are these questions and and how did you come up with them and and what's the intent behind them?
Ashley Noelle: Yeah. they started just by once in a while I would think of something that just was like, I could get like kind of like what answers do I want to get from them and then backing up to like, Okay, what's the question to ask? I used to keep them in my notes app. I'd be like work or something and just like think of something and like, okay, this would be great. And truly, when I started then taking the questions and, you know, needing to make more, I started categorizing them. Cause I'm like, well, let's make this, you know, a little more focused. So they go into growth, trust, connection, action, takeaways, and then fun cards I did too. So it was kind of taking the questions that we would ask, how can we categorize them? Because maybe you have a family that needs to, you know, work on growth. So let's focus on the growth. questions or work on, you know, actionable things. Let's work on that. or just like the free-for-all. Or our favorite or the fun part is like the fun cards, which was just truly activities that we liked to do as a blended family that like really brought us together. like if it's like taking your kids camping or just in your backyard, like you get to work together as a team and like skill building and unlike understanding who is skilled in what is so valuable in the family, especially a blended family, just because you're all like newly in this what are you really great At what are your strengths? What are the weaknesses? Where can I jump in? And we've even noticed that with our kids that there's some strengths, like maybe my daughter has, or maybe that the boys have. And then you know the other one kind of you know fills in the gap or helps them understand the opposite side. so it was activities like that that helped us just work together. My daughter always says, like, an activity she wants to do is build an IKEA table without the instructions altogether. I'm like, Maybe by yourself first. but it was really like just what did I wanna hear? And I think I always was open to hear, like, I wanna hear like what do I need to do better as a step parent for you? What do you need in this home to feel, you know, more safe or that it feels like home? Like even if it's like the hard thing, it's the answer that I need, you know, to move forward. So I think it was always what do I want to get from them and gain from this? And then backing up to like, okay, what's the right question to prompt them to get to this point?
Shannon: Mm-hmm. That's a really smart way to do it, which is to back into the answer you're looking for, you
Ashley Noelle: Mm-hmm.
Shannon: know, versus just sitting down trying to think of what are the questions. Because
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: ultimately that information is what you're actually looking for. That conversation,
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: that uncovering of something is really the, you know, the the core of what
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: the connection will end up being around.
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: as you were saying the talking about the skill building and the camping, I thought, what a great way to recognize the strengths in kids and to kind of you it's not, I mean, you may be saying it very much like that, but you may just be talking about it a little bit more In a like in a we're assigning tasks or we're trying to figure things out, however that's unfolding. But you're helping these kids recognize attributes in the others
Ashley Noelle: As well.
Shannon: that they may not ever or or anytime soon have been recognizing. And
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: what a way to can to connect them and to help them appreciate their differences, but also their strengths, you know, which they may not be seeing until. they're older or, you
Ashley Noelle: Mm-hmm.
Shannon: know, it it just at any point. And so I think that's a really neat thing that jumped out at me that it's bringing that to light a lot earlier than what it might happen.
Ashley Noelle: And actually with that, we did an activity. It was at our old house. We we should actually probably do it again soon. we each had a piece of paper with everyone's name on top of each paper, and we passed it around like the dinner table, and like everyone had to write like, what's your one favorite thing or something you love about you know this person of the family? which was so great. And they all like taped them up in their bedrooms, which to read that, especially as you know, step siblings, to read like, my stepbrother thinks that I'm really great at that. this or my stepsister thinks I'm really great at that. Like just to encourage that 'cause it can feel so like tense when you're all moving in. And for full disclosure, like our three are they're all three are thirteen. So we're all on the same age.
Shannon: Right, I'm a race. Incredible.
Ashley Noelle: Yeah. So just of like getting that a little bit of like self-esteem boost from within your own family, from within this like new chosen
Shannon: Mm.
Ashley Noelle: family together versus like, you know, they just love me because they're my brother or whatever. It's no, they this is a choice, you know, to
work together. and
Shannon: Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: it's one of our favorite activities that we've done. It was it really like melted my heart as a mom to look
Shannon: Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: around and see like all and they did it for, you know, myself and my fiance as well. So it was fun for us to even have like their favorite things about. us. and we even did one for the dog. We keep it it's still taped up over her food bowl. Just in case she wants to know what we love about her. Yeah.
Shannon: cute. That's Yeah, of course. Yeah, you gotta loop in the dog. That's really funny.
Ashley Noelle: a really great activity especially as a newly you know after some time after you've been you know blended for a little bit. to just kind of give, like you said, just speaking some positives like to each other, what you're really great at. Because I think there's nothing better for kids, especially in that mix, to all of a sudden hear like, they see this in me or they see that I'm great at this. And it just builds that muscle and that self esteem like so high. And I think
Shannon: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: they just want to feel seen in a blunded family that they they didn't get lost in the mix.
Shannon: Yeah. Well, and I I was reflecting actually on someone that I had spoken with who had this very vivid memory of her dad showing affection to her stepsister, and how jarring that was for her and how it really changed the trajectory of what she how she felt like she fit in this new situation. and I think when you have children in general, you know, I've experienced myself is like you compliment someone, like one of your kids, your kid's friends or something, and then your kid kind of looks at you like, well, I'm good at that too. And it's like, well, yeah, I w I was only
Ashley Noelle: Yes.
Shannon: saying he's I didn't say then you're bad at that. Like it's not a
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: kind of back to the I can have multiple friends and like nothing
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: is taken from the other. And What a wonderful way to share positives to everyone. And
Ashley Noelle: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Shannon: it's no one's feeling slighted, no one's feeling left out, and everyone's participating. So
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: it's like this equal opportunity to boost everybody up, which, you know, could probably then the next time you decide to give one of them a compliment in front of the others. Maybe it's it just is not a big deal because they
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: know that you know all these wonderful things about them all, you know.
Ashley Noelle: really great point. Yeah. It maybe like softens the blow of like kind of seeing that interaction. I
Shannon: Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: know that was kind of a big one for us, especially since my fiance had two twin boys. So first of all, very like you know more intense household and we were a little more softer. And so when the boys would start to see, you know, how my fiance would interact with my daughter and it's like soft and calm, they'd be well why aren't you like that with us? And he's like, you've never you always come at me hard. Like we've never like done it like that before. which also just told us that like and I think another part is really huge is knowing your kids, whether blended family or not, their love languages were for one of the boys to see like, you know, maybe the back rubs or something. He's like, I like that too. And so, you know, okay, I can do that over here as well. I'm glad to know that like, you know, that means something to you. So I think it's it's really great to it's hard to balance as like parent and step parent between the kids because it is two different, you know, ways of growing up.
Shannon: Mm-hmm.
Ashley Noelle: But you learn some more maybe about your own child, about your stepchild, and how you can integrate like, okay, I've done this with my daughter, how can I find a way of weaving that in with the boys as well?
Shannon: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: just to make everyone feel like appreciated and loved.
Shannon: It's funny you mentioned love languages. We were actually having that conversation the other day, talking to my son about what his love language is. And it's funny, it's it's that's such a thing that's thrown around. And you know that there's people who either know the concept or they've actually read
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: the book. But I don't know if people really live by that. Like when they're dating or when they're raising kids. It's it's actually such a huge thing to understand. You know, I know there's someone in my family that their love language is a very distinct thing, but it is how they love everyone else. And
Ashley Noelle: Mm, mm-hmm.
Shannon: it's very hard because a lot of who they're putting that on is not how anyone else needs to be loved. And so it's very off-putting in a lot of ways. And I just don't think it's ever occurred to that person, you know? And so if you'd had that conversation and identified that. You know, we all want to be loved, but but we can get it in different ways and different things matter to us or make us feel more loved or we connect with it. I think it's such a great thing to talk about at a young age because
Ashley Noelle: Mm-hmm. yeah.
Shannon: it sets them up to then go into a relationship aware of, this person needs this. No wonder this isn't working, you know.
Ashley Noelle: One hundred percent. One hundred percent. Yes, I notice it. it's been fun 'cause we do we've always naturally kind of talked about the love languages. and it's been fun to see the kids use the terms and decipher like even with their friendships or their crushes or whatever it is.
Shannon: Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: it's been helpful because I'm like, you have started young, so this is great. You're more aware of like what our others feelings like maybe you love, you know, physical touch and like hugs and all that, but maybe someone else doesn't. And you know, being
aware of that and being conscious of it. Or I know like I know my fiance loves words of affirmation. And I know sometimes I'm not the best at doing that when I'm just like, why do I have to give you words of affirmation for basic things? But I know it speaks volume. So when and he's even told me like we've talked through where he's like, can you give me some reassurance a little more often? So then it, you know, encourages me to keep, you know, going. I'm like, yes, I have to learn that that is something that, you know,
Shannon: Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: means a lot to you, and I have to exercise that muscle a little differently.
Shannon: Yeah. Yeah. It's hard when it's not your love language, you know, because it just doesn't
Ashley Noelle: Yeah, yes, yeah.
Shannon: naturally occur to you then. I think, you know, that's such a great example of do I have to do that? You know, and you're like, well,
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: if this person's doing this and it's not natural for them, they're doing it for me, I can do
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: it. You know what I mean? It's all just a s a circle. But that that's really cute and really funny. I think that it
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: kind of goes with a lot of what we're saying, which is what you're teaching them with communication in general, what you're teaching them to communicate, but also to be able to communicate hard things, you know. I
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: mean, those are those are life skills, but you're using them in this way that's very safe. You're teaching them in this way that's very helpful and
Ashley Noelle: More.
Shannon: wonderful for your family, but that's just gonna translate to adulthood in such a profound way that
Ashley Noelle: Well yeah.
Shannon: you're gonna be like, my gosh, this is all because we were talking, you know,
Ashley Noelle: As kids.
Shannon: Yeah. Yeah, it's really it's really neat. I was
Ashley Noelle: Yeah. I think of how it was it's going to start oozing into like when they have jobs, when they have coworkers, when
Shannon: Yes.
Ashley Noelle: they have friendships, like just kind of really coming and having those conversations and just being upfront about it and kind of like what we were talking about earlier, like maybe it weeds out the ones that you know are not meant to be there. But you should always, I think for so long, like I felt I didn't have a voice. So I think it's so even more empowering for me to empower my kids to speak up. Because I think no matter if it's hard to hear or not, they should have a space to be able to say, like, no, you hurt my feelings because of this. Or I really wish you could do this differently. Or I have to say, like, I'm really sorry, you know, I reacted inappropriately or more. angry or something like that. and just they're already getting that skill younger that it makes me so excited to see them as adults because I'm I'm hoping it you know sticks.
Shannon: Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: but I I mean we see it now
which I always tell them it's so hard to parent you guys, but you're gonna be amazing adults because they're already like instilling some of these things that we do. So we're getting like we're having conversations kind of with little many adults. which is hard.
Shannon: Yes. Well, you're you're also as you were saying this too, I'm thinking, you know, I'm I I'm I'm recounting many interactions with children these days where they don't ask you anything. They say nothing. They barely can look you in the
Ashley Noelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Shannon: eye. And I'm thinking, my gosh. So not only are you teaching them to communicate and all of that, but you're actually prompting them with questions. So there can
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: be questions that stick in their head that They're in a different room with different people in a different situation and they ask like a really big question that opens up an amazing conversation, you know? And
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: what a also a gift to be giving them just to learn how to converse with people and to not,
Ashley Noelle: Yeah. Yeah.
Shannon: you know, to not be afraid to ask a just ask somebody a question. It's that's how you get to know people and you know, so I I just think there's There's so much value in what you're doing in in the way you're doing it, but also in like the repercussions of it over time, you know? I I'm sure you thought of all of that when you were doing it, but I'm just as you're saying all these things, I'm like, and then when they're 30, this is gonna happen and that's gonna be great and it you're gonna connect the dots there and going on, you know.
Ashley Noelle: It's still it still like comes out where I don't realize and I think it's truly because like Like I always say, this is really from our family to yours. Like this was not like that an idea that was created, it like just grew. And so things still like surprise me or I realized like, my gosh, this will be helpful, you know, in work. That just
Shannon: Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: like I'm realizing that, you know, just like a few months ago when they're starting to talk about jobs at culvers or whatever.
Shannon: Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: so I realized it's still like coming to light where it didn't have this, you know, big plan in place or profound thing. It was just like, how do I help these, you know, blended? that families connect more like we were starting to do.
Shannon: Yeah. I mean it it's very shark tanky, you know, if you're thinking about it. But but I so
Ashley Noelle: Well
Shannon: I did want to ask you a little bit how like how you get it out there and what the response has been from what you have done since I think you said October.
Ashley Noelle: Yeah. a lot of big like I really work on like social media presence. That's been like the biggest one. just connecting with a lot of accounts that have a lot of blended families and just speaking out about it. Cause it was really eye-opening when I started this and kind of
launching like this new brand and new business. When your algorithm starts to change, I was like just flooded with like, my gosh, there's all these families, all these people, all these accounts that are like, you know, wanting to help in the same ways, just different, you know, tools or ideas. And so it was just like collaborating and like, how can we work together? How can we share? I actually do a lot of work with therapists, which would be this is kind of surprising. I never
Shannon: Mm. Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: thought that was going to be the route. And it was my sister, she's a therapist, and she actually told me before it launched, she's like, I bet most of your, you know, clientele is gonna be therapists. And I was like, No, like families. And sure enough, it's been therapists who want to either use it in their practice or they it helps them prompt with such situations like this, because not all, you know, therapists are, you know. certified in like a blended family route.
Shannon: Yeah, yeah.
Ashley Noelle: and it's even just things that they can give to their, you know, clients of just some takeaways. Like here's some things maybe just to ask. Like let's get like dig down to the nitty-gritty. So that's been really wonderful to see that it's just more implemented in like a mental health way even.
Shannon: Absolutely.
Ashley Noelle: and then I even have been starting to talk with some schools and social workers of kind of questions that can be at the schools since that's where a lot of the teens and kids are, you know, if they're they might have issues at home, what are some
Shannon: Uh-huh.
Ashley Noelle: things you can talk through? so it's I could have if you asked me in October where this was gonna go, I would have not even known. I would have said, like, just one family, please. And the way it's grown and the routes it's going into has been just so overwhelmingly like amazing. And it's just for me, it's just it makes my heart grow like the Grinch when like the heart grows.
Shannon: Mm-hmm. I believe
Ashley Noelle: just to see that it's even just talked about. I think.
Shannon: Really? Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: That was the other part of growing up in a blended family. I didn't really know anyone else in a blended family. So we just didn't talk about it. Nobody really knew. Everyone just assumed like I was my stepdad's kid. And now it's just, it's so much of an open space to talk about it. Like, and
Shannon: No.
Ashley Noelle: it's such a big part of our population, whether it's, you know, co-parenting or single parents or blended families, like that's most of that's half of our population right there.
Shannon: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's so many of the things that you said right there make me think just like to what you said about nobody else was in a blended family, or if they were, they weren't talking about it. I mean, I hear that constantly of people saying I was the only person in my
Ashley Noelle: Mm-hmm.
Shannon: class that was divorced,
you know, and or that would that was from a divorced family. And I just think there's so much that in schools too, where, you know, it's kind of a weird it's kind of a weird balancing act because you you've gotta hit the kids in the right way and
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: in the right safe group or right safe spaces with some of this information. But I do think that if they can connect with other kids. that are feeling a lot of this because they do feel so alone. I mean, my son,
Ashley Noelle: Mm-hmm.
Shannon: I think he was in second grade and he said, he came home and said, Mommy, I want to have a splits group. And I was like, You want to what? And he said, I want
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: a group at my school of all the kids who split. And I was like, wow, because in his class he was the only kid and he just felt so odd. And
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: And I often have thought about how many other kids have felt the same thing. And if you could do, you know, in a way connect them that's very
Ashley Noelle: Je
Shannon: under the radar. That's not like
Ashley Noelle: Man.
Shannon: posted on the wall at school, hey, all the kids in a divorce or blended family meet at at the ballot. But
Ashley Noelle: Yeah. Secret handicake.
Shannon: what a wonderful thing to have, you know, these questions and these thoughts where kids are or or for principals to give them to to parents.
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: that you know have the the these l dynamics at home. I it made me think, gosh, I think you should mail a box to every divorce attorney because they could probably just it with their bill give these to every family. But
Ashley Noelle: Yeah, give them
Shannon: it's like even more value for what you've just spent on your attorney, you actually get something that can help you. Yeah. Yeah. But no,
Ashley Noelle: You get something in return, yeah.
Shannon: I think I think what you're doing is I just think it's wonderful. I I would, you know, I don't have a very big anything yet, but I will tell everyone I know. and I did want to ask, do you add like so you created the cards? Do you have
Ashley Noelle: Mm-hmm.
Shannon: like a version two? Do you add to like how is the evolution? Cause I'm sure you still are having more thoughts pop up after you've created it. So what are you
Ashley Noelle: yes.
Shannon: doing?
Ashley Noelle: yeah. So I've been launching little mini like digital versions. they're like smaller versions of the cards. this is specifically like my my deck is actually like you know actual physical deck for the blended families. I have digital of that too. I did do a digital version called just us. So it's meant for single parents and the kids. So when you're going through the divorce or you know, just the separation, kind of questions and discussions that the parent and child or children can have together to talk about like your new norm, what are traditions we can, you know, create, checking in, then seeing how they're doing. And then
in May, I launched a before the blend. So actually, communication cards for the adults before you blend your families, things to talk. about what it's gonna look like financial
Shannon: I love that.
Ashley Noelle: structure what are things we need to like you know parenting ways and all those things that you need to kind of air out and to discuss before you're doing it so that it doesn't when you move it doesn't feel like you know chaos and then it just like implodes
Shannon: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Ashley Noelle: and then occasionally like for Mother's Day, I do a special little free dex of here's questions to ask, like the moms in your family are the step moms, and then a Father's Day one too. and then yeah, we're looking into doing more, but kind of just starting to keep growing where we are with those three main ones as of now.
Shannon: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I would imagine that a lot of the questions can overlap, but
Ashley Noelle: Mm-hmm.
Shannon: then, you know, having very specific ones for certain dynamics,
Ashley Noelle: Yes.
Shannon: I think, can be very, very helpful. So
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: I I just I love it. I love that I that we connected. I love I love, love, love what you're doing. I just think
Ashley Noelle: Initiative.
Shannon: it's so needed. I think you're gonna be huge. I think that you know, it's gonna catch on and the right people are gonna connect with it that are gonna, you know, get you into the places that it can get all get to all the people and all the families that it can help. And yeah. I will. I will I will keep doing it. so just
Ashley Noelle: Thank you. I like your manifesting.
Shannon: w in closing, just kind of tell you know, for the audience for people listening where they can find you and how they can, you know, get their hands on either digital version Or the actual hard copy versions.
Ashley Noelle: Yeah, so we sell everything at blendedbond.com. and then also our Instagram is at the blended bond, and then over on TikTok, it's play blend blended bond. but on our social medias, like I share a lot of our family, I interview the kids, I interview my partner, you know, we talk about, you know, my co-parenting. relationship with, you know, my daughter's stepmom. So I share a lot about this blended family co-parenting environment. And so it's just kind of nice to see some real stories and what we share over there too.
Shannon: You're just such a wonderful and inspiring example of what you can do, you know. You've just, I mean, clearly your childhood gave you the insight, which I think is valuable. And, you know, not everybody has that. So what a blessing to come out of a, you know, a
Ashley Noelle: Yeah.
Shannon: slightly different childhood. but you've just been so intentional about. you know, making kids a part of it and making them feel heard and you know, keeping them in the forefront as you make decisions that put you in better places for you, you know, but
Ashley Noelle: Sure.
Shannon: you've you've kept that balance and you've apparently, you know, found people along the way that have aligned with you in doing that. And I think it's just a wonderful example of how people can do divorce better. They can
Ashley Noelle: yeah.
Shannon: do blended families well.
Ashley Noelle: Mm-hmm.
Shannon: You know, so these kids, they will have all the struggles of life that they will that life will bring them, but
Ashley Noelle: Mm-hmm.
Shannon: this doesn't have to be another one on top of it. And you're you're helping
Ashley Noelle: One hundred percent.
Shannon: to create such a good, strong foundation in the home, no matter what the dynamic is. And that ultimately is what they need, you know. So I just I think
Ashley Noelle: Yeah, thank you. I truly say like the world is hard enough. Like let's make home just the safe space. Like home should just be
Shannon: Yeah. Yes.
Ashley Noelle: where you, you know, it's peace. You can speak up, you can, you know, no judgments. We're just here, we're family. because the outside world is we can't control all of that.
Shannon: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I'm starting to think, okay, who do I know? I can't I want to give these as gifts to people. So, you know, I'll probably be putting in an order for a bunch once I make up my list of people who can benefit. But thank you
Ashley Noelle: Yeah. thank you.
Shannon: again for your time. You're just a wonderful person and this is such a wonderful thing for the world.
Ashley Noelle: Thank you so much. I really appreciate what you're doing and sharing everything too.
Shannon: Thanks.