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Nicky Veenvliet: Let's talk about the cliche, the nuance, like the pressure that personal development can put on you. The the two sides of the coin, so to speak. So yesterday somebody came into my world who was like, ⁓ my god, your content's amazing, you're speaking my language, this is exactly how I feel. And she reminded me of a post that I put up on my Instagram feed talking about some of the bullshit that happens in this personal development world. I've also had a conversation this morning with a client who's going through some really fucking hard Practical and logistical stuff. ⁓ and and the question being, do I just need to change the way I'm looking at this? And this is the challenge that comes up when it comes to doing any kind of personal development. ⁓ first of all, I wanna say it's cliche, but it's fucking that it's not it's not cliche for a reason. But every single one of our fucking patterns was formed from zero to seven. If you haven't gone and done any work on your childhood. If you haven't gone and look at your patterns of childhood, like that's why you'll keep running up against the same shit, right? ⁓ and not from a place of like I know maybe some ⁓ in some therapy situations and psych, this is something that happens as well where clients often come to me after they've been to a psych where it's like, ⁓ my god, I went to a psych and they did uncover it. They uncovered all of the layers and all of the shit that happened and all of the maybe complex equivalents. So you know I Had this happen as a child, therefore I believe and think this, therefore I act this way. but they haven't actually done anything to change it, to shift it, to ⁓ give you a clean up the fucking unconscious mindset around it and to give you a new kind of perspective on it, right? and so, like honestly, I'm so kind of fierce around this as I've gone back out into the world, as I've built my business over the last 12 months. And just gone out into the world more, been in more rooms where I'm speaking to people who've never done any personal development before. Like, ⁓ I'm just so much fiercer on the fact that if you're like, Yeah, I got over something by just sucking it up, by by getting on with it, by ⁓ ignoring it and moving on, won't do that again. Whoops, lesson learned. I call massive fucking bullshit. Sorry, I'm not sorry. ⁓ Because I come across too many people and having done this work for so long, it's very easy for me to very quickly see a pattern and it's very hard for me to ignore. So whilst being very cliche, again, sorry not sorry, your childhood is what shaped you. Your childhood is where all of your belief systems were formed. Now of course you went on and had other experiences and other Learnings and other unlearnings and other people in your world that ⁓ that fit into that. But once you have a set belief system that you're like, this is how you know X is, this is how women are, you spend the rest of your life proving yourself right. Your subconscious mind cannot be wrong. Your subconscious mind is again exactly what it says, subconscious. You literally ninety-nine percent of your decisions and choices are coming from the unconscious. I I know that's really Fucking frustrating and challenging, but that's why. Well, maybe it's not frustrating and challenging for you. Maybe it's just like, nope, that's not true. I'm not doing that. I'm in complete charge of my faculties. And you are, you are in complete charge of what your subconscious mind gives you. ⁓ and you can probably spot this in other people more than you can spot it in yourself. Like, why do you think that? Like, I know you've got that friend who's fucking phenomenal, who's like ha thinks she's not good enough and dates the dickhead and fucking, you know, doesn't ask for the pay rise and accepts fucking life in a different way. I know you've got that friend and you're looking at her going, what the fuck is wrong with her? I can tell you what's wrong with her. There's a belief system that happened from zero to seven that she's playing out over and over again 'cause she hasn't gone in and looked at it. ⁓ and not that there's anything wrong with that. But it is costing you in your daily life, right? In your ⁓ in your adult life and so again another conversation I had with a client yesterday where we can acknowledge the problem, we can find the problem, then we have to work on the problem. So you know w like I've said before, the women that come to me, smart women, know what's going on in their head, but sometimes it's like in the body, it's somatic. It's like your nervous system, your soul, your energetic systems will not let you act any differently. You know how you can see yourself fucking yourself over. You can see yourself self sabotaging. But you can't kinda stop it and then you beat yourself up for it. That's the deeper work. That's the stuff that's happening like ⁓ from the unconscious, right? From a place of deep, deep certainty. Anyway, I'm fucking digressing like a motherfucker on this one, aren't I? Anyway, so let's talk about the ⁓ kind of nuances around not doing that work because just toughen up and and suck it up kind of thing. ⁓ and I want to tell you guys there is a place for that. So personal development and I I will die on this hill. ⁓ it can be used for positive, it can be used to really fucking drag you down. ⁓ if you've ever worked with a coach or a therapist or been in a relationship with someone who has a little bit of personal development awareness and they use that language against you. Where they're like, you know, ⁓ you're gaslighting me or you're this or you're that. And ⁓ you know, I I I ⁓ using it as an excuse, basically. I think I spoke about this in the last one as well. Like labeling it, using it as an excuse. So I was just talking, ⁓ my god, I'm talking about all my clients today. I was just talking to another client who has gone through something really big and she's having some
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self-awareness. Now, something that I want you guys to know is we are all all things. Let me say it again. We are all all things. So when we see shitty behaviour in others, when we see things like that person's ⁓ insecure, that person's a narcissist, blah, blah, So are we. We are all all things. We are not like fucking, you know, God or Buddha sitting on a fucking mountain going like, ⁓ I can see all the challenges and all the negatives in them, but not me. And this is where we get shame from. Because the shame comes from, I'm a good person, you're not a good person. And it's like We're all good and we're all bad. We are all all things and you get to through personal development ⁓ and personal responsibility be the person that goes, Okay, what do I want to do with these pieces of information? So the client that I was speaking to is having some awareness about her relationship patterns, and going like, fuck, maybe he was right and the fact is he is right to an extent. But rather than going into shame and blame and I'm so shit and ⁓ my god, I'm the worst person in the world and he's just like black white, hundred percent right, hundred percent wrong. Right? It's like, cool. What how amazing to have that reflection? What do we want to do with that information? Yeah. By the other token, my client that's going through very strategic problems, it doesn't matter how much she mindsets this, the only mindset change that needs to happen ⁓ is that she needs to make a different choice. Is that coming from a place of ⁓ like I couldn't have done it any differently? Yeah, you could, there's a fucking million ways to do things, there's a million options, there's a million ways to do things. ⁓ It's hard, let's figure it out. You know what I mean? So it's not just like love and light and la la and woo-woo. That's technical language, la la and woo-woo. But I just want you to think about this work being of service to you, not fixing you, not something that's like gonna fix you, like, ⁓ my god, I need this because I'm so broken. No, you don't. You will figure this out. ⁓ but it's a c it's a co Collaboration, it's a co-creation, and have some discernment around it. So the words nuance are used fucking a million times a day, and discernment. Like where does this sit? Because there's no like this is why there's no one book that everyone follows. How many fucking iterations, how many interpretations, how many personal development books are there? ⁓ that you know, maybe you relate to this one and your friend relates to that one and Because we all have a different way of hearing that information and we all have a different need at a different time and different seasons of our lives. And so discernment is so fucking important. Like I've said to you guys before, sometimes I'm listening to coaches how I like Fucking get up off your ass and get shit done, right? If I am in burnout and overwhelm and doing too much and overfunctioning, that is not a helpful fucking message. ⁓ and so this is where like I see the overfunction as they go toward that kind of message as well. But it's like actually, you fuckers need to learn how to stand still for a minute, hear yourself, make some decisions like discernment. What is it that you need in this season? And the biggest, my biggest fucking most important passion or drive or concern or whatever the word is for me is that I teach my clients to be discerning for themselves. I literally had a client come back recently. She had to take some time away because she was getting so physically sick ⁓ from the panic of trying to fix herself and she was like I I need to press pause on this contract. I cannot do this right now. And I have never been prouder of her. You know it wasn't like ⁓ you're not doing the work like you have to keep going. It's like you actually made a choice Coming from a very uncomfortable place, let feeling like you're letting someone down, but choosing you. And I've never been proud of her. And that's the work. And now when she's come back in, wow, we're making fucking leaps and bounds. Because again, when you start choosing yourself from a place of discernment, not from a place of fear. And this is the thing, how do you know the difference? I can't tell you that in one fucking sound by or podcast. You have to come and have a conversation, probably multiple conversations, for you to start knowing the difference. Because the feeling of discernment. ⁓ you won't you won't be comfortable if you've never been taught it, if you've never been given that. ⁓ and if you come from the same generation or environment or upbringing as a lot of ⁓ myself and a lot of the people I work with, you weren't taught to listen to yourself. You were taught to take instruction. So you're raised in a behaviouralist parenting model where it was like Do what you're told and you will get love. You'll be a good girl. You'll be you'll get rewarded, right? ⁓ you were never taught to go, hang on, I want to work through this emotion. I've got feelings of my own here. ⁓ I want to, I'm angry about this. Let me let me process this emotion out. Most of us were raised in environments where people around us couldn't handle those big feelings that we needed to just process through, right? So we learned to suppress and do what we were told. So discernment is not something that is familiar to your nervous system. It's familiar to your fucking head. You're like, why didn't I say this? Why didn't I do that? Why didn't I fucking make a different choice? Why do I keep fucking rap, right, right? How many times have we had those conversations with yourself? but learning to sit in discernment, learning to sit in that uncomfortable list, learning to sit in letting people down, it's a really big part of the personal development journey. It's not just all love and light and ignore everything and you know. It's okay. ⁓ not my mu not my circus, not my monkeys, and you know, the let them theory. Let them let's let them do
whatever they want. Fuck that bitch. Like I did that for a long time. It cost me a lot of my self-esteem and my self-worth. ⁓ because it came from a place of avoidance, not from a place of I guess peace or understanding. Right, yeah, let them, because it's nothing to do with me. That's very different to let them. I'm gonna go over here and avoid it because I can't fucking handle it. Right? Alright, I feel like I've gone in a thousand different directions on this today. I don't even know how long I've been talking. however, coming into the personal development world, coming into my world, not just the personal development world, because there's a million coaches out there, there's a million books out there, there's a million podcasts for you to listen to. But I want you to listen to or watch out for where they are encouraging your discernment versus where there is you're looking for bias, like negative bias. So like For example, sometimes I will share with my clients some information. So there are other coaches out there who are specifically niched ⁓ in the space of relationships and narcissism or in the space of money or in the space of business ⁓ and or in the space of like ⁓ parent child stuff or inner child work, right? ⁓ and I will specifically send them some information going like, Hey, have a listen to this. And my caveat, my disclaimer is always listen to this for now. Like get the validation for now. Don't fucking get stuck in the validation of yeah, that's the behaviour. Poor me, I should have known better. Like you want the validation to start with and then you want to take your fucking power back. You want the validation to go, Yeah, that was fucked. ⁓ Like let's let's unpack that and go, fuck, let's give your little child a hug. My god, she did exactly what she was meant to do. She did exactly what she needed to do to survive. You do not need to behave that way anymore. Let's go heal that. Let's go talk to that. You know what I mean? Let's go f ⁓ like figure that out for her so that you're not behaving like a fucking seven-year-old for the rest of your life. Like zero to seven, all of our neural pathways are made. And then we repeat those cycles over and over and over and over. And we call ourselves adults and we do adult things and we go up into the world. But the minute that we get that emotional trigger, we're back to seven or five or four or whatever it might be, right? and so looking at it from a a negative bias, I guess I wanna say, like, poor me, like yeah, that I'm the victim of that has a place, guys. It has a real place. We want it from a place of validation and acknowledgement. We do not want it from a place of identity, ⁓ and we do not want to stay there. Like There is no fucking way that you have to stay there. So again, my message is if you're coming into my world, my number one, I guess, outcome for you will be self-awareness, observation from without shame, and discernment. Discment. Knowing what you need at any given moment. You don't need to be so so rigid, so so strict, so good, so follow the rules, so Do what you're told, so tick the boxes so that mummy and daddy are happy or whatever that version is for you. Yeah. ⁓ it's really, really important that you are able to be autonomous and make your own choices from a place of what you want, not from a place of rebellion and pushing away and void. Anyway, big conversation, big deep conversation. If that sounds like something you want to chat about, ⁓ reach out, go to my website, message me on Instagram, like, I don't care, find me. Find me, message me, ask me, let's chat. Alright, ciao ciao, you guys. Mm-hmm.