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Welcome back to the Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, where inner work meets everyday life.
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I'm your host, Dr.
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Allison Sukamelli, and today's conversation is for anyone who has ever walked away from work with tears in their eyes, not because they hated the work itself, but because they loved it.
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And there's a particular kind of grief that doesn't receive much attention.
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We tend to talk openly about grieving relationships or acknowledge the pain of losing loved ones.
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We often recognize the sadness of moving away from home or watching our children grow up, but we rarely talk about grieving a career you were passionate about because of the people around you slowly and sometimes invisibly were poisoning the environment.
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And sometimes it isn't the profession itself that breaks your heart, it's what happens inside the profession and what those in leadership positions allow to continue for whatever reason or are the poison themselves at times.
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And maybe you are or were a teacher who adored watching students discover something new.
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Maybe you are or were a nurse who loved caring for patients.
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Maybe you are a therapist, a social worker, an artist, a nonprofit leader, or someone who once woke up excited to go to work.
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Then something changed.
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Perhaps gossip became the culture, perhaps bullying became disguised as leadership, and maybe integrity became inconvenient and tasks shifted from being meaningful to just checking a box and moving on with whatever the thing was.
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And maybe every day felt less about doing meaningful work and more about surviving difficult people who will just never get it.
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And eventually you found yourself grieving something that still technically existed.
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You still have the job, the career you once loved, once had dreamed about.
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You just no longer have the experience that made you fall in love with it or stay in love with it.
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And that's where psychology gives us language for something many people may feel, but struggle to recognize or explain.
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And one of the most important concepts for understanding this experience comes from family therapist Dr.
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Pauline Boss, who developed the theory of ambiguous loss.
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Traditionally, grief follows something visible: a funeral, a divorce, a retirement, an ending everyone can recognize.
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Ambiguous loss is different.
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It's grieving something that hasn't completely disappeared.
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The loss is real, but it's difficult to point to.
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Or in this case, the job is still there.
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You may still have your classroom, your office, your hospital floor, your business, your title, and your paycheck, which, let's be honest, is what in a sense holds you hostage in the now toxic environment that you once loved and couldn't wait to be a part of.
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From the outside, if you try to express to people that this feeling is not simply about having worked in this career for a long time, and I'm talking decades, people assume nothing significant has changed.
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They might even say things to you like, at least you still have a job, lots of people would love to work here, maybe you're just stressed out, but internally something precious has already been lost.
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Things like the purpose, your purpose, even.
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The excitement of a new school year, new students, new patients, the culmination of a major project, whatever the case may be.
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The sense of belonging no longer exists in a toxic environment.
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Sometimes it may even seem like the circus of sugar and silence.
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You may even be the target of a twisted truth that you can't escape, perpetuated by unhappy, middle-aged adult clicks, which is truly sad for them.
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Remember, salt and sugar look the same.
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And the joy of being you and doing what you have always done in your role is just no longer there.
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This, again, is ambiguous loss.
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And because there is no socially recognized ritual for grieving it, people often suffer in silence.
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Psychologists call this disenfranchised grief, a concept introduced by grief researcher Dr.
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Kenneth Doka.
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And disenfranchised grief refers to losses that society doesn't fully recognize or validate.
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And because others don't see them as legitimate, the grieving person often feels pressure to minimize or hide their pain.
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Imagine someone saying, I miss the version of my career that no longer exists.
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There isn't a sympathy card for that.
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There isn't bereavement leave, although there really should be.
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And no one gathers around with casseroles because your passion quietly died over the course of three difficult years or longer.
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And instead, many people turn inward and begin asking themselves an even more painful question.
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What's wrong with me?
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Load full transcript
And one of the cruelest effects of toxic environments is that they slowly convince healthy people that they're the problem.
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And psychologist Albert Bandora described a concept called self-efficacy, our belief that we can effectively influence our environment and succeed through our own actions.
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Toxic environments with toxic leadership can chip away at believing in ourselves, even if nothing has changed, even if we continuously try harder without the environment changing or yielding to accept what we have always done so well.
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Healthy workplaces strengthen self-efficacy.
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Over time, your confidence expands because your efforts produce meaningful results.
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Toxic environments do the opposite.
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No matter how competent you are, the rules keep changing.
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Integrity is punished, dishonesty is rewarded, hard work goes unnoticed, the goalposts move, the conversations happen behind closed doors.
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You begin preparing not for your work, but for people's reactions or how they interact with you.
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And eventually your brain learns something psychologists call learned helplessness, first described by Dr.
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Martin Seligman.
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And when repeated efforts fail to improve difficult circumstances, people often stop believing their actions matter.
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Not because they're weak or ineffective, but because their nervous system has been taught that effort no longer changes the outcome.
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And think about that for a moment.
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The exhaustion isn't always from doing the work.
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Sometimes it's from carrying the emotional weight of navigating unpredictability every single day.
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You spend so much energy anticipating conflict, decoding hidden agendas, wondering whether today's interaction will be supportive or subtly undermining.
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And by the time you actually begin your work, you've already used much of your emotional capacity.
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And the work you once loved becomes associated with chronic vigilance.
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And that's a heartbreaking psychological shift.
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And there's another theory that helps explain why leaving or even staying can feel so devastating.
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Psychologists Edward Dessey and Richard Ryan develop self-determination theory, one of the most influential frameworks for understanding human motivation.
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And according to their research, human beings thrive when three psychological needs are consistently met: autonomy, competence, and relatedness.
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And autonomy is feeling that we have meaningful choice and agency.
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And agency, of course, is the ability to make intentional choices, take action, and influence the direction of your own life rather than feeling powerless or controlled by circumstances.
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Competence is feeling capable and effective, while relatedness is feeling connected to other people.
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And notice something interesting here.
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None of those needs mention money.
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None mention prestige.
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None mention job titles.
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Because while those things may matter, they aren't what nourish us psychologically over the long term.
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Think back to a time when you truly loved your work.
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You probably felt trusted.
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You knew your skills mattered.
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You felt connected to at least a few people around you.
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You had room to grow and you were beginning to flourish.
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Now imagine those three needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness, slowly disappearing.
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Every decision becomes micromanaged.
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Your expertise is questioned.
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Relationships become competitive rather than collaborative.
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And fear replaces trust.
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The work itself may remain exactly the same, but the psychological conditions that allowed you to love it have quietly eroded.
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And eventually, people often conclude, I don't love this anymore.
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And sometimes, after decades of feeling this way, it's hard to even tolerate an ounce of what now feels like nothing more than a job.
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You can't even really say it's your career anymore because all the love for it is lost.
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But sometimes the statement, I don't love this anymore, isn't entirely true.
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Sometimes what they no longer love is the environment surrounding the work.
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And those are two very different losses.
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So if you've ever said, I don't even recognize myself anymore, or I used to love this job, what happened to me?
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I want you to know that psychology has been asking the same questions for decades.
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And one of the most overlooked truths about toxic workplaces is this: work is never just about work.
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Work is about identity, belonging, purpose, and contribution.
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It's about the relationships we build with people who stand beside us every day.
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And when those relationships become unsafe and untrustworthy, the wound often runs much deeper than professional disappointment.
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And it begins to resemble betrayal.
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And psychologist Dr.
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Jennifer Fried, who developed betrayal trauma theory, originally studied betrayal within close relationships, families, caregivers, and intimate partnerships.
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Her work revealed something profound.
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The deepest psychological wounds often occur when the people we depend on become the source of harm.
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And at first glance, you might think, well, that's about family, not work.
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But consider how much of your life unfolds inside your workplace.
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Many adults spend eight, ten, or even twelve hours each day with coworkers and supervisors.
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Over the course of a career, those relationships accumulate thousands of conversations, shared projects, stressful deadlines, celebrations, disappointments, and moments of vulnerability.
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You trust people with your ideas, sometimes with your fears, mistakes, and dreams.
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You collaborate with people on your team.
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You play both mentor, but also know when to ask for help.
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And problems are solved together.
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And in healthy workplaces, those experiences strengthen psychological safety.
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And however, in unhealthy workplaces, those same moments become opportunities for manipulation.
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Information shared in confidence becomes gossip.
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Mistakes become ammunition and targets for ridicule and shame.
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And success becomes something others resent rather than celebrate.
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And trust, the invisible foundation beneath every healthy team, begins to erode.
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And what makes betrayal particularly painful isn't simply that someone behaved badly.
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It's that the person occupied a position where trust once felt reasonable.
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Someone in a leadership position, a mentor, a department chair, a colleague you believed was a friend, a leadership team that promised transparency.
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Betrayal hurts because our brains naturally predict safety from people we've learned to trust.
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And when that expectation is shattered, our nervous system doesn't simply file the experience under a bad day at work.
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It asks a much larger question.
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If I was wrong about them, what else am I wrong about?
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And that question often leads people into something psychologists call cognitive dissonance, a concept introduced by Leon Festinger.
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And cognitive dissonance occurs when two deeply held beliefs collide.
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For example, this school values students, but leadership consistently rewards behavior that hurts students.
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Or we're a family here, but people are publicly humiliated when they disagree.
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Or perhaps hard work is recognized, but the people who manipulate others seem to advance the fastest.
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And our brain does not like contradictions.
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So we instinctively search for explanations.
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Sometimes we conclude, maybe I misunderstood, maybe I'm too sensitive, maybe I need to work harder.
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And we often blame ourselves first because believing we're the problem feels strangely more controllable than accepting that an entire system may be unhealthy.
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And if I'm the problem, perhaps I can fix it.
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But if the environment itself is toxic, that realization is much harder to accept and often impossible to change unless healthy leaders are in place and not willing to allow a toxic culture to exist and run the show, so to speak.
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And another important concept is psychological safety, developed through the research of Dr.
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Amy Edmondson at Harvard Business School.
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And psychological safety doesn't mean everyone agrees.
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It doesn't mean there are no difficult conversations.
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It means people believe they can speak honestly without fear of humiliation, retaliation, or punishment.
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And think about the healthiest team you've ever been a part of.
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Maybe it wasn't perfect.
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Maybe people disagreed, mistakes happened, deadlines were stressful, but you weren't afraid to ask questions.
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You could admit when you didn't know something.
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You trusted that feedback was given to help, not to shame.
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That sense of safety allows creativity to flourish and innovation to grow.
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And this is what deepens relationships.
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People become willing to take healthy risks because they know one mistake won't define them.
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Now imagine the opposite.
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You rehearse every email before sending it.
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You second guess every sentence you say in meetings or don't feel safe enough to speak at all anymore.
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And you wonder which casual conversation might
later be repeated out of context and edited to fit a toxic narrative.
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And you begin editing your personality before anyone else has the chance to criticize it.
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Over time, you stop bringing your full self to work.
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Not because you've changed, but because you've learned that authenticity carries consequences.
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That is not professionalism.
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That is adaptation to an unsafe environment.
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And when our nervous system perceives ongoing threat, it gradually shifts from creativity into survival.
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Eventually, your body starts preparing for work before you've even arrived.
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Your stomach tightens Sunday afternoon.
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Sleep becomes lighter or unmanageable Sunday night.
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Your heart races when a particular name appears in your inbox.
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Your shoulders tense walking through certain doors.
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These are not signs of weakness.
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They're signs of a nervous system trying to protect you.
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The tragedy is that your body often cannot distinguish between a physical predator and chronic relational threat.
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To your nervous system, repeated social danger is still danger.
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And this helps explain something many people feel ashamed to admit.
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You may go home completely exhausted, even though your actual workload wasn't unusually heavy.
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You're exhausted because emotional labor consumes energy too.
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And researcher Dr.
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Christina Maslow, whose work on burnout has shaped organizational psychology for decades, reminds us that burnout isn't simply about working long hours.
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It's about chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed.
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And the World Health Organization describes burnout through three primary dimensions: emotional exhaustion, cynicism or psychological distance from work, and a reduced sense of professional effectiveness.
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And notice what's missing.
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Burnout isn't defined by laziness.
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It isn't a lack of resilience.
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It isn't a poor work ethic.
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In fact, many people who burn out were once the most passionate employees in the building.
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The people who volunteered, stayed late, mentored others, cared deeply.
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Burnout often begins where passion meets prolonged powerlessness.
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The very qualities that once made
someone exceptional become the qualities that leave them vulnerable when the environment refuses to support healthy, sustainable work.
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And perhaps this is the hardest part.
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Many people don't realize they're grieving while they're still employed.
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They assume they simply need another vacation, another long weekend, another school break, another fresh start in August, but every return feels heavier than the last.
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Not because they've stopped caring, but because they've been caring too much for too long.
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And eventually the heart begins protecting itself by letting go of the very thing it once loved.
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And that realization can be profoundly painful, but it can also be the beginning of something important.
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Because before we can rebuild our lives, we have to first understand what we've actually lost.
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And we're about to explore exactly that the loss of professional identity, why leaving a toxic workplace can feel like losing a piece of yourself, and how psychology helps us begin putting those pieces back together.
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And so far, you may have noticed that we've spent surprisingly little time talking about the job itself.
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Instead, we've talked about belonging, safety, trust, identity, because that's often what people are actually grieving, not the position, not the title, but the version of themselves that once existed within it, and that distinction matters.
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And one of the questions I hear most often is this why can't I just move on?
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And it's a fair question.
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After all, people change jobs every day.
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They retire, they relocate, they switch careers.
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So why does leaving a toxic workplace sometimes feel so much heavier?
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And part of the answer comes from identity theory and the work of sociologist Helen Rose Fuchs Ebah, who studied what she called role exit, the psychological process of leaving an identity that has become part of who we are.
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Think about the roles you hold: teacher, nurse, parent, coach, therapist, police officer, artist, pastor, researcher.
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Those words describe what we do, but after enough years, they also become part of how we understand ourselves.
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You don't simply say, I work as a teacher.
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Many people say, I am a teacher.
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Notice the difference.
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The profession has become intertwined with identity.
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And when that identity is suddenly threatened, grief extends far beyond employment.
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You're not just asking, where will I work?
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You're asking, who am I now?
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And that question is deeply human and it deserves compassion.
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And for many people, work is one of the primary places where meaning is created.
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And psychiatrist Victor Frankel, author of Man's Search for Meaning, believed that human beings are sustained not merely by comfort, but by purpose.
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And Frankel survived the unimagined horrors of Nazi concentration camps, and his work reminds us that meaning can become a powerful psychological anchor even in suffering.
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And when our work aligns with our values, it becomes more than a paycheck.
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It becomes an expression of who we are.
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A teacher doesn't simply deliver lessons, they witness confidence growing in a quiet student.
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They celebrate breakthroughs.
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They watch curiosity ignite.
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A nurse isn't merely administering medication.
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They're comforting frightened families, holding someone's hand, helping people through some of the hardest moments of their lives.
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And an artist isn't simply creating, they're translating emotion into something others can see.
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Meaning transforms labor into purpose.
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But toxic environments interrupt that connection.
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Instead of asking, how can I serve?
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People begin asking, how do I survive today?
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And that's a profound psychological shift.
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Purpose quietly gives way to self-protection.
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And psychologists Desi and Ryan would likely say that this represents more than dissatisfaction.
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It's the erosion of intrinsic motivation.
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And intrinsic motivation comes from doing something because it is inherently meaningful or enjoyable.
00:23:04.400 --> 00:23:14.160
Extrinsic motivation comes from outside rewards or pressures, salary, evaluations, recognition, or avoiding punishment.
00:23:14.480 --> 00:23:22.160
And most people who enter helping professions begin with extraordinary intrinsic motivation.
00:23:22.400 --> 00:23:28.000
They love the work, they believe in the mission, they're energized by contribution.
00:23:28.240 --> 00:23:34.480
But toxic environments slowly replace intrinsic motivation with survival.
00:23:34.799 --> 00:23:44.640
Instead of thinking, I can't wait to teach this lesson, you begin thinking, I hope no one creates another unnecessary conflict today.
00:23:44.880 --> 00:23:47.759
And that's not necessarily about
the students.
00:23:48.640 --> 00:23:53.440
Instead of focusing on creativity, you focus on damage control.
00:23:54.079 --> 00:23:56.559
Instead of growing, you shrink.
00:23:56.799 --> 00:24:02.799
And over time, you may mistakenly conclude, maybe I've lost my passion.
00:24:03.279 --> 00:24:06.160
But sometimes your passion isn't gone.
00:24:06.319 --> 00:24:09.440
It's simply buried beneath chronic stress.
00:24:09.680 --> 00:24:14.480
Think about a beautiful garden after weeks of heavy ash from a wildfire.
00:24:14.720 --> 00:24:16.880
The flowers haven't disappeared.
00:24:17.039 --> 00:24:18.400
They've been covered.
00:24:18.640 --> 00:24:21.359
The soil is still alive underneath.
00:24:21.599 --> 00:24:23.680
The conditions have changed.
00:24:23.920 --> 00:24:27.279
And sometimes healing isn't about planting a brand new garden.
00:24:27.519 --> 00:24:32.960
Sometimes it's about clearing away whatever never belonged there in the first place.
00:24:33.839 --> 00:24:43.759
And another concept that helps explain this experience comes from organizational psychologist Stephen Hobafall and his conservation of resources theory.
00:24:44.000 --> 00:24:51.200
The theory proposes that people naturally strive to build, protect, and preserve valuable resources.
00:24:51.519 --> 00:24:54.079
Those resources aren't limited to money.
00:24:54.240 --> 00:25:07.119
They include time, energy, health, relationships, confidence, hope, professional reputation, a sense of competence, and emotional stability.
00:25:07.680 --> 00:25:11.440
And every day we invest these resources into our work.
00:25:11.839 --> 00:25:14.559
Healthy workplaces replenish them.
00:25:14.799 --> 00:25:17.200
You leave tired but fulfilled.
00:25:17.359 --> 00:25:19.440
You leave drained but proud.
00:25:19.680 --> 00:25:23.200
You may have been challenged yet energized by the mission.
00:25:23.519 --> 00:25:26.400
Toxic workplaces do something different.
00:25:26.640 --> 00:25:32.160
They require constant withdrawals while offering very few deposits.
00:25:32.640 --> 00:25:36.720
And every difficult interaction costs emotional energy.
00:25:36.960 --> 00:25:40.960
Every act of self-protection costs mental energy.
00:25:41.200 --> 00:25:44.640
Every sleepless night costs physical energy.
00:25:44.960 --> 00:25:47.440
Every betrayal costs trust.
00:25:47.759 --> 00:25:51.039
Every unfair accusation costs confidence.
00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:56.000
And eventually your psychological bank account becomes overdrawn.
00:25:56.400 --> 00:26:01.200
And imagine trying to buy groceries with an account that's been drained month after month.
00:26:01.440 --> 00:26:03.359
Eventually the card declines.
00:26:03.519 --> 00:26:08.960
Not because you're irresponsible, but because there simply isn't enough left.
00:26:09.279 --> 00:26:11.759
And burnout often works the same way.
00:26:12.000 --> 00:26:22.880
People aren't empty because they lack character, they're empty because they've been making emotional withdrawals for far too long without opportunities to replenish what they've lost.
00:26:23.119 --> 00:26:28.559
And this helps explain another experience that confuses many people.
00:26:28.960 --> 00:26:34.960
They finally leave the toxic workplace and expect to feel immediate relief.
00:26:35.359 --> 00:26:38.240
Instead, they feel exhausted.
00:26:38.480 --> 00:26:40.240
They sleep more than usual.
00:26:40.480 --> 00:26:42.319
They cry unexpectedly.
00:26:48.799 --> 00:26:50.319
Not necessarily.
00:26:50.559 --> 00:26:57.599
Sometimes this is what happens when the nervous system finally realizes it's safe enough to stop surviving.
00:26:57.839 --> 00:27:01.440
Think about carrying an impossibly heavy backpack for years.
00:27:01.680 --> 00:27:09.039
While you're carrying it, adrenaline helps keep you moving, but the moment you set it down, your muscles begin to ache.
00:27:09.279 --> 00:27:12.000
You finally notice how tired you've become.
00:27:12.160 --> 00:27:14.559
And healing often begins that way.
00:27:14.799 --> 00:27:17.599
The collapse doesn't always happen during the crisis.
00:27:17.839 --> 00:27:21.359
Sometimes it begins after the crisis ends.
00:27:21.759 --> 00:27:29.920
And one of the most painful misunderstandings surrounding toxic workplaces is the belief that leaving means you weren't strong enough.
00:27:30.160 --> 00:27:32.799
I would gently challenge that idea.
00:27:33.119 --> 00:27:40.559
Leaving can require extraordinary courage, especially when your identity has been built around that profession.
00:27:41.200 --> 00:27:45.839
Especially when people outside the situation don't understand.
00:27:46.319 --> 00:27:49.279
Especially when you still love the work itself.
00:27:49.680 --> 00:27:52.720
Sometimes courage doesn't look like staying.
00:27:52.960 --> 00:27:59.119
Sometimes courage looks like refusing to let unhealthy people redefine your worth.
00:27:59.599 --> 00:28:04.160
And there is a difference between perseverance and self-abandonment.
00:28:04.400 --> 00:28:07.279
Healthy perseverance moves us towards growth.
00:28:07.599 --> 00:28:15.920
Self-abandonment asks us to repeatedly violate our own values just to remain somewhere that continues to diminish us.
00:28:16.240 --> 00:28:19.119
And those two things are not the same.
00:28:19.440 --> 00:28:21.680
And perhaps you've noticed something else.
00:28:21.920 --> 00:28:33.440
When people leave toxic workplaces, they often say things like, I miss my students, I miss my patients, I miss my clients, I miss the families, I miss creating.
00:28:33.759 --> 00:28:37.200
Rarely do they say, I miss the dysfunction.
00:28:37.440 --> 00:28:43.599
They miss the purpose, they miss the calling, they miss the parts that reflected who they truly were.
00:28:43.839 --> 00:28:45.920
And that realization matters.
00:28:46.160 --> 00:28:51.920
Because if purpose still lives inside you, then what you've lost may not be your calling.
00:28:52.160 --> 00:28:57.680
It
may simply be the environment that prevented your calling from flourishing.
00:28:57.920 --> 00:29:02.000
And that distinction can become the beginning of hope.
00:29:02.240 --> 00:29:09.920
And if you spent months or perhaps years in a toxic workplace, healing doesn't begin the moment you leave.
00:29:10.160 --> 00:29:14.880
In many ways, that's when it finally becomes possible.
00:29:15.440 --> 00:29:23.680
Because for the first time in a long time, your nervous system is no longer devoting all of its energy to survival.
00:29:23.920 --> 00:29:27.599
Instead, it can begin asking a different question.
00:29:28.079 --> 00:29:33.279
Who am I now that I don't have to spend every day protecting myself?
00:29:33.680 --> 00:29:41.839
That question can feel unsettling, but it can also become one of the most important questions of your life.
00:29:42.160 --> 00:29:49.519
One of the greatest tragedies of a toxic workplace is that it often changes the story we tell ourselves.
00:29:49.759 --> 00:29:56.240
When environments become consistently unhealthy, we stop seeing the problem as external.
00:29:56.559 --> 00:29:58.960
Instead, we internalize it.
00:29:59.200 --> 00:30:06.160
And maybe I'm too emotional, maybe I'm not resilient enough, maybe I expect too much, maybe I'm the difficult one.
00:30:06.480 --> 00:30:09.119
These thoughts don't emerge in a vacuum.
00:30:09.359 --> 00:30:15.759
They're often the result of repeated experiences that slowly erode our confidence.
00:30:16.160 --> 00:30:26.640
And psychologist Aaron Beck, one of the founders of cognitive therapy, explained that our experiences shape the beliefs we develop about ourselves, others, and the world.
00:30:26.880 --> 00:30:45.920
And when painful experiences occur over and over again, they can create deeply rooted assumptions, such as people can't be trusted, speaking up only makes things worse, my needs don't matter, or no matter how hard I work, it will never be enough.
00:30:46.400 --> 00:30:54.960
And those beliefs may have helped us survive in one environment, but they don't necessarily belong in every environment.
00:30:55.279 --> 00:31:04.720
And part of healing is learning to ask: is this belief universally true, or is it something I learned in one particular place?
00:31:05.519 --> 00:31:08.960
And that distinction can be life-changing.
00:31:09.680 --> 00:31:15.279
Healing also requires something many high-achieving people find incredibly difficult: rest.
00:31:16.000 --> 00:31:22.000
Not because rest is the reward for hard work, but because rest is part of recovery.
00:31:22.319 --> 00:31:25.039
And our culture often celebrates endurance.
00:31:25.279 --> 00:31:37.759
We admire people who push through exhaustion, who never call in sick, who always volunteer for one more responsibility, who carry everyone else's burdens while quietly ignoring their own.
00:31:38.079 --> 00:31:48.000
But psychologist Kristen Neff, whose work on self-compassion has transformed the field of psychology, reminds us that healing isn't fueled by self-criticism.
00:31:48.240 --> 00:31:50.079
It's fueled by kindness.
00:31:50.400 --> 00:31:53.359
And self-compassion isn't making excuses.
00:31:53.920 --> 00:31:55.920
It isn't lowering standards.
00:31:56.160 --> 00:32:03.519
It's responding to your own suffering with the same warmth you would offer someone you deeply love.
00:32:04.000 --> 00:32:11.119
Imagine a close friend came to you and said, I spent years in a workplace where I was constantly undermined, blamed, and exhausted.
00:32:11.279 --> 00:32:13.680
I don't know why I just can't bounce back.
00:32:13.920 --> 00:32:17.039
Would you answer, you should be over it by now?
00:32:17.359 --> 00:32:18.480
Probably not.
00:32:18.720 --> 00:32:22.240
You'd likely say something like, Of course you're hurting.
00:32:22.480 --> 00:32:23.599
Anyone would be.
00:32:23.759 --> 00:32:25.599
You've carried so much.
00:32:26.319 --> 00:32:33.920
The question then becomes, why is it often easier to extend compassion to everyone else than to ourselves?
00:32:34.160 --> 00:32:37.839
And another part of healing involves reconnecting with our values.
00:32:38.079 --> 00:32:46.000
And psychologist Stephen Hayes, founder of acceptance and commitment therapy, encourages people to distinguish between pain and purpose.
00:32:46.240 --> 00:32:51.519
Pain is inevitable, but we don't want pain making our decisions forever.
00:32:51.759 --> 00:32:55.279
Instead, we ask, what kind of person do I want to be?
00:32:55.519 --> 00:32:58.400
What values do I want my life to reflect?
00:32:58.640 --> 00:33:02.079
Notice that these questions aren't about proving yourself.
00:33:02.240 --> 00:33:05.279
They're about remembering yourself.
00:33:05.599 --> 00:33:15.839
And maybe one of your values is curiosity or creativity, integrity, justice, compassion, growth, connection, or service.
00:33:16.319 --> 00:33:22.799
Those values may have been overshadowed in a toxic environment, but they were never destroyed.
00:33:23.039 --> 00:33:26.160
Think of them like stars hidden behind storm clouds.
00:33:26.400 --> 00:33:30.240
The clouds can obscure them, they cannot erase them.
00:33:30.880 --> 00:33:41.039
And one of the most hopeful realizations in recovery is understanding that your values often outlive the environment that had tried to silence them.
00:33:41.359 --> 00:33:44.640
And there's another concept I find incredibly encouraging.
00:33:44.880 --> 00:33:51.039
Psychologists Richard Tadeshi and Lawrence Calhoun introduced the idea of post-traumatic growth.
00:33:51.279 --> 00:33:52.640
Now I want to be careful here.
00:33:52.799 --> 00:33:56.799
Post-traumatic growth is not the belief that trauma is good.
00:33:57.119 --> 00:34:05.039
Trauma is painful, workplace betrayal is painful, bullying is painful, loss is painful.
00:34:05.279 --> 00:34:09.039
The goal is never to romanticize suffering.
00:34:09.280 --> 00:34:26.079
Instead, post-traumatic growth describes
the possibility that people can emerge from profound hardship with new perspectives, deeper relationships, great appreciation for life, and a clearer understanding of themselves.
00:34:26.480 --> 00:34:31.039
Sometimes people discover boundaries they never knew they needed.
00:34:31.280 --> 00:34:35.679
Sometimes they become more discerning about the environments they choose.
00:34:35.840 --> 00:34:39.920
Sometimes they stop confusing busyness with worthiness.
00:34:40.239 --> 00:34:45.599
And sometimes they realize they were chasing approval instead of alignment.
00:34:45.840 --> 00:34:51.280
And sometimes they rediscover the very passion they thought had disappeared.
00:34:51.519 --> 00:34:55.599
Not because the workplace changed, but because they did.
00:34:56.320 --> 00:35:01.039
And one of the questions worth asking is this: what exactly did I lose?
00:35:01.280 --> 00:35:08.880
Was it the profession, or was it the illusion that everyone within the profession shared your values?
00:35:09.360 --> 00:35:11.039
Did you lose your calling?
00:35:11.280 --> 00:35:15.920
Or did you lose a particular place where that calling could no longer thrive?
00:35:16.159 --> 00:35:18.559
Those are very different questions.
00:35:19.360 --> 00:35:23.440
And if you've been a longtime listener, you know that I'm fascinated by symbols.
00:35:23.599 --> 00:35:25.920
And here's one that comes to mind.
00:35:26.239 --> 00:35:30.079
Imagine a beautiful lemon tree planted in poisoned soil.
00:35:30.320 --> 00:35:35.360
The leaves begin to wilt, the fruit becomes sparse, branches weaken.
00:35:35.599 --> 00:35:39.679
Someone walks by and says, that tree just isn't healthy anymore.
00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:42.719
But what if the problem isn't the tree?
00:35:42.960 --> 00:35:48.239
What if the roots are desperately trying to survive in soil that has become toxic?
00:35:48.480 --> 00:35:52.639
We would never blame the tree for failing to flourish under those conditions.
00:35:52.800 --> 00:35:59.519
Yet we often blame ourselves for not thriving in environments that continually undermine our well-being.
00:35:59.760 --> 00:36:03.039
And perhaps the healthier question isn't what's wrong with me?
00:36:03.280 --> 00:36:06.880
Maybe it's what kind of soil have I been planted in.
00:36:07.199 --> 00:36:11.039
Sometimes changing the soil changes everything.
00:36:11.280 --> 00:36:15.199
And as you begin healing, you'll likely notice something surprising.
00:36:15.440 --> 00:36:19.840
The parts of yourself you thought had disappeared begin quietly returning.
00:36:20.000 --> 00:36:31.039
You laugh a little more easily, ideas begin flowing again, you notice beauty again, your curiosity returns, you wake up without immediately feeling dread.
00:36:31.280 --> 00:36:34.000
You remember what it feels like to breathe deeply.
00:36:34.239 --> 00:36:39.519
And these moments may seem small, but psychologically they're incredibly significant.
00:36:39.920 --> 00:36:45.119
They're signs that your nervous system is beginning to recognize safety again.
00:36:45.360 --> 00:36:49.599
They're reminders that the person you thought you'd lost wasn't gone.
00:36:49.840 --> 00:36:52.000
They were protecting themselves.
00:36:52.400 --> 00:36:57.920
Waiting, waiting for an environment where they no longer had to live in survival mode.
00:36:58.079 --> 00:37:02.480
And perhaps that's one of the most hopeful truths we can carry forward.
00:37:02.960 --> 00:37:06.960
Sometimes healing isn't about becoming someone new.
00:37:07.199 --> 00:37:11.760
Sometimes it's about finally having the freedom to become yourself again.
00:37:12.000 --> 00:37:17.679
And as we come to the end of today's conversation, I'd like to leave you with one final thought.
00:37:17.920 --> 00:37:21.199
Sometimes the greatest loss isn't leaving the job.
00:37:21.440 --> 00:37:31.039
Sometimes the greatest loss is staying so long that you begin forgetting who you were before the environment convinced you that you weren't enough.
00:37:31.280 --> 00:37:33.760
And that is a loss worth grieving.
00:37:34.000 --> 00:37:38.320
Not because you failed, but because you cared deeply.
00:37:38.639 --> 00:37:47.280
And one of the most painful myths our culture tells us is that if we're truly passionate, we should be able to endure anything.
00:37:47.519 --> 00:37:51.039
If you really love teaching, you'll tolerate the politics.
00:37:51.280 --> 00:37:56.239
If you really love nursing, you'll accept impossible expectations.
00:37:57.280 --> 00:38:02.719
If you really love helping people, you'll sacrifice your own well-being without complaint.
00:38:03.039 --> 00:38:10.639
But nowhere in psychology do we find evidence that passion makes us immune to chronic harm.
00:38:10.880 --> 00:38:13.519
In fact, we often find the opposite.
00:38:13.840 --> 00:38:24.400
The people who suffer most deeply are frequently the ones who cared the most, because every betrayal violated something they genuinely believed in.
00:38:24.639 --> 00:38:28.559
Every act of dishonesty conflicted with their integrity.
00:38:28.800 --> 00:38:32.559
Every unnecessary cruelty collided with their compassion.
00:38:32.800 --> 00:38:35.760
Their pain wasn't evidence that they cared too much.
00:38:36.000 --> 00:38:39.360
It was evidence that they cared sincerely.
00:38:39.679 --> 00:38:43.920
And I'd also like to speak to something that often happens after people leave.
00:38:44.159 --> 00:38:46.800
Many carry an invisible burden of guilt.
00:38:46.960 --> 00:38:52.880
They wonder if they gave up too soon, if they should have stayed longer, if they could have handled things differently.
00:38:53.039 --> 00:38:55.440
And those are understandable questions.
00:38:55.760 --> 00:38:58.239
But I'd invite you to ask another one.
00:38:58.480 --> 00:39:06.559
Ask yourself, was I asking myself to survive in conditions I would never encourage someone I love to tolerate?
00:39:06.960 --> 00:39:12.480
Sometimes we judge ourselves
by standards we would never apply to another human being.
00:39:12.719 --> 00:39:24.400
Imagine your closest friend describing years of being publicly undermined, excluded, manipulated, constantly anxious, unable to sleep, losing confidence, beginning to question their own reality.
00:39:24.639 --> 00:39:28.719
Would you tell them, stay until you have absolutely nothing left to give?
00:39:28.960 --> 00:39:32.960
Or would you gently remind them that their well-being matters too?
00:39:33.199 --> 00:39:40.880
Sometimes wisdom begins when we extend ourselves the same compassion we so freely offer others.
00:39:41.280 --> 00:39:45.760
And earlier in the episode, I mentioned Victor Frankel and the importance of meaning.
00:39:45.840 --> 00:39:48.480
And I'd like to return to that idea for a moment.
00:39:48.719 --> 00:39:52.320
Meaning doesn't always disappear when a chapter ends.
00:39:52.559 --> 00:39:54.480
Sometimes it changes form.
00:39:54.880 --> 00:40:03.039
Perhaps your calling was never tied to one building, one organization, one administrator, one department, or one title.
00:40:03.280 --> 00:40:06.320
Perhaps your calling has always lived within you.
00:40:06.559 --> 00:40:10.400
The building simply gave it a place to be expressed for a season.
00:40:10.559 --> 00:40:14.800
And when that season ends, the calling doesn't necessarily end with it.
00:40:15.039 --> 00:40:20.079
A gifted teacher remains a gifted teacher, even if they teach somewhere else.
00:40:20.400 --> 00:40:26.159
A compassionate therapist remains compassionate regardless of the office they practice in.
00:40:26.320 --> 00:40:31.199
A gifted artist remains creative, even if no one applauds for a while.
00:40:31.519 --> 00:40:38.880
Your environment can limit the expression of your gifts, but it cannot erase the gifts themselves.
00:40:39.119 --> 00:40:42.079
And that distinction is incredibly important.
00:40:42.800 --> 00:40:50.000
Because if your identity has become fused with one specific workplace, leaving can feel like losing your purpose.
00:40:50.239 --> 00:40:55.440
But if your purpose lives within your character, then it travels with you.
00:40:55.760 --> 00:40:59.119
And this reminds me of something we often overlook in nature.
00:40:59.360 --> 00:41:03.519
When a tree is transplanted, it doesn't produce fruit immediately.
00:41:03.760 --> 00:41:05.360
First, it grows roots.
00:41:05.599 --> 00:41:08.480
For a while it may even appear weaker than before.
00:41:08.800 --> 00:41:11.119
Leaves fall, growth slows.
00:41:11.360 --> 00:41:14.239
From the outside, it can look like nothing is happening.
00:41:14.480 --> 00:41:18.559
But beneath the surface, everything important is happening.
00:41:18.800 --> 00:41:24.480
The tree is learning a new environment, its roots are stretching, its foundation is strengthening.
00:41:24.800 --> 00:41:27.360
Only later does new growth appear.
00:41:27.599 --> 00:41:30.960
And human healing often follows the same pattern.
00:41:31.199 --> 00:41:38.800
If you've recently left a toxic workplace and you don't yet feel like yourself, that doesn't mean you've made the wrong decision.
00:41:39.039 --> 00:41:42.000
It may simply mean your roots are still growing.
00:41:42.159 --> 00:41:44.079
So be patient with yourself.
00:41:44.320 --> 00:41:48.960
Growth is often invisible before it becomes visible.
00:41:49.599 --> 00:41:51.360
Okay, so there you have it.
00:41:51.599 --> 00:41:56.960
I hope you'll share today's episode with someone who may be quietly grieving a career they once loved.
00:41:57.199 --> 00:42:03.840
Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer another person is helping them realize they are not alone in what they're feeling.
00:42:04.000 --> 00:42:10.159
And if you're enjoying the Lemon Tree Coaching podcast, follow the show, leave a review, or share this episode.
00:42:10.320 --> 00:42:13.599
It truly helps more people discover these conversations.
00:42:13.920 --> 00:42:23.679
And you can also connect with me on Instagram at the Lemon Tree Coaching, where I share daily reflections on psychology, symbolism, personal growth, and the journey inward.
00:42:24.000 --> 00:42:28.639
And remember, losing a toxic workplace is not the same as losing your purpose.
00:42:28.880 --> 00:42:31.679
Leaving an unhealthy environment is not failure.
00:42:31.840 --> 00:42:37.119
And sometimes the bravest thing we can do is stop confusing endurance with healing.
00:42:37.280 --> 00:42:45.840
And perhaps the most beautiful realization of all is this the place where your gifts were diminished was never the source of your gifts.
00:42:46.079 --> 00:42:48.239
Those gifts have always belonged to you.
00:42:48.480 --> 00:42:52.559
They are still there, waiting for soil where they can bloom again.
00:42:52.800 --> 00:42:54.320
And until next time, this is Dr.
00:42:54.400 --> 00:42:55.760
Allison Sukamelli.
00:42:56.000 --> 00:42:57.760
Keep following the road inward.
00:42:57.920 --> 00:43:02.320
Take care of yourself, and as always, I'll see you next week.