رونوشت کامل Is Self-Help a Scam?

to shame you. 00:02:20.240 --> 00:02:26.159 I'm asking because I think the answer reveals something uncomfortable about the model itself. 00:02:26.800 --> 00:02:37.199 The self-help industry is worth, depending on which report you look at, somewhere between$10 and$40 billion globally. 00:02:37.680 --> 00:02:38.879 Let that sink in. 00:02:39.120 --> 00:02:44.400 That's an industry with a serious financial interest and you never quite getting there. 00:02:44.879 --> 00:02:46.240 Think about how it works. 00:02:46.400 --> 00:02:50.960 If a book actually solved all your problems, you would never buy it again. 00:02:51.439 --> 00:02:52.800 You would be done. 00:02:53.120 --> 00:02:55.039 And that's not what happens. 00:02:55.280 --> 00:02:58.240 You finish, for example, Atomic Habits. 00:02:58.479 --> 00:02:59.360 Okay, wait a second. 00:02:59.520 --> 00:03:01.919 Listen, actually I think it was a good book, okay? 00:03:02.240 --> 00:03:03.680 But then what happens? 00:03:03.919 --> 00:03:08.719 You feel inspired for two weeks, then life happens, the habits slip. 00:03:08.879 --> 00:03:12.000 Let's be honest, they don't stick around for a long time. 00:03:12.240 --> 00:03:15.919 And six months later, I don't know, you're buying a new book. 00:03:16.240 --> 00:03:26.639 Bootcamp or masterclass that you have seen on Instagram, and you pay$27 for it, or$100, or whatever the price tag is. 00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:30.800 Each product implies that the last one wasn't quite enough. 00:03:31.039 --> 00:03:34.479 And the message underneath is always the same. 00:03:34.639 --> 00:03:38.080 You're broken, we can fix you for a price. 00:03:38.240 --> 00:03:39.919 That's really not wellness. 00:03:40.240 --> 00:03:44.080 That's a subscription model built on your insecurity. 00:03:44.479 --> 00:03:48.319 I know that hurts, but this is something that I had to tell myself as well. 00:03:48.560 --> 00:03:57.439 This was a serious conversation when I started looking into different ways to broaden my own brand, if you will. 00:03:57.599 --> 00:03:59.520 And I'm not very business savvy. 00:03:59.840 --> 00:04:10.560 So I took all the courses, but when I looked at it and sat with myself for a while, after spending a lot of money, I actually realized no, this is not how it works, this is not helpful. 00:04:10.800 --> 00:04:22.000 All the information I'm getting from these books or courses or masterclasses or whatever is something that I could have found by doing some simple research. 00:04:31.519 --> 00:04:35.360 Now, here is why I want to bring in therapy. 00:04:35.680 --> 00:04:39.920 Because I think it exposes exactly what self-help gets wrong. 00:04:40.160 --> 00:04:53.279 In a real therapy session or in a real therapeutic work setting, whether that's CBT, psychodynamics, somatic, whatever modality, the goal is never to add more habits to a broken system. 00:04:53.519 --> 00:04:55.600 The goal is to understand the system. 00:04:55.759 --> 00:04:59.199 To ask why do I keep doing the things that I don't want to do? 00:04:59.439 --> 00:05:01.120 Why do I sabotage? 00:05:01.360 --> 00:05:04.399 Why does progress feel so threatening? 00:05:04.639 --> 00:05:06.480 What am I actually afraid of? 00:05:06.720 --> 00:05:10.319 Those are not questions self-help wants you asking. 00:05:10.560 --> 00:05:15.439 Because if you really answered them, you might not need the next book anymore. 00:05:15.759 --> 00:05:19.600 Self-help says do more, be more, optimize more. 00:05:19.759 --> 00:05:23.439 Therapy says slow down, look at why you keep running. 00:05:23.680 --> 00:05:27.920 One of those is very comfortable because it just forgets about everything else. 00:05:28.079 --> 00:05:36.319 It just wants you to build something new, but building something new on top of something rotten will ultimately just break down. 00:05:36.480 --> 00:05:42.480 And the other one, which is usually therapy, is very confronting and it's painful to go through it. 00:05:42.720 --> 00:05:52.560 While one wants to make millions of you, the other one forces you to look at your life and yourself and to find out what actually the problem is. 00:05:52.800 --> 00:06:01.199 Now I want to specifically talk about productivity culture for a second, because I think it's one of the most ridiculous corners of self-help. 00:06:01.439 --> 00:06:12.800 There is this idea that if you just structure your time perfectly, time block your calendar, do deep work, eat a frog, protect your mornings, I don't know. 00:06:13.120 --> 00:06:16.000 You will finally become the person you want to be. 00:06:16.319 --> 00:06:19.920 And look, I'm not against structure and routine. 00:06:20.160 --> 00:06:23.519 Routine actually calms your mind and your nervous system. 00:06:24.319 --> 00:06:26.879 Structure can be really helpful. 00:06:27.120 --> 00:06:32.560 But ask yourself this why are you so desperate to be productive? 00:06:33.439 --> 00:06:41.439 Because more often than not, when I sit with that question with myself or my clients, what comes up is fear. 00:06:42.240 --> 00:06:44.800 Fear of being worthless. 00:06:45.120 --> 00:06:49.839 Fear that is, I don't know, if I'm not producing, I have no value. 00:06:50.079 --> 00:06:52.319 This is what the world was feeding you. 00:06:52.480 --> 00:06:54.959 The fear that rest is laziness. 00:06:55.120 --> 00:06:58.560 The fear that slowing down means you're falling behind. 00:06:58.800 --> 00:07:02.319 And no productivity system addresses that fear. 00:07:02.560 --> 00:07:06.240 It gives you a new outfit, nothing else. 00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:13.600 You can have the most optimized calendar in the world and still feel completely empty at the end of the day. 00:07:13.839 --> 00:07:20.160 And when that happens, self-help is the answer for what you shouldn't do. 00:07:20.639 --> 00:07:26.000 Self-help always wants you to say, I need you to do better. 00:07:26.480 --> 00:07:31.199 The answer self-help offers is you need a better system.

00:07:31.439 --> 00:07:33.839 Not maybe the system isn't the problem. 00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:35.920 Maybe there is something else. 00:07:43.920 --> 00:07:47.759 Here's another thing that bothers me about traditional self-help. 00:07:48.160 --> 00:07:51.120 It's almost aggressively individualistic. 00:07:51.360 --> 00:07:57.120 It's all about your habits, your mindset, your discipline, your morning routine, whatever. 00:07:57.360 --> 00:08:03.600 The implicit message is if your life isn't where you want to be, it's a you problem. 00:08:04.079 --> 00:08:09.040 Do better, work harder, think longer, believe more. 00:08:09.199 --> 00:08:12.160 But what about the external conditions people live in? 00:08:12.319 --> 00:08:19.199 What about the systemic barriers, the generational trauma, the economic pressure, the communities people are raised in? 00:08:19.439 --> 00:08:26.720 What about the fact that some people are starting from harder places and telling them to journal their way out of it? 00:08:26.879 --> 00:08:27.920 It just doesn't help. 00:08:28.000 --> 00:08:29.199 It's not helpful. 00:08:29.360 --> 00:08:31.519 It's actually brutal and cruel. 00:08:31.839 --> 00:08:34.559 Real therapy acknowledges contexts. 00:08:34.720 --> 00:08:38.080 It says, of course you responded this way. 00:08:38.559 --> 00:08:41.360 And here is the situation you lived. 00:08:41.759 --> 00:08:46.559 Understand where you're coming from to understand who you are today. 00:08:46.799 --> 00:08:51.120 Self-help too often says winners find a way regardless. 00:08:51.279 --> 00:08:52.960 But honestly, that's not empowerment. 00:08:53.039 --> 00:08:55.759 That's playing dressed up as inspiration. 00:09:04.720 --> 00:09:14.240 Okay, I don't want to just bash everything without offering something real, some type of solution that you can that you could use and build on. 00:09:14.399 --> 00:09:16.879 Because I do believe change is possible. 00:09:17.039 --> 00:09:19.039 And I have seen it over and over again. 00:09:19.200 --> 00:09:26.960 I have seen it in therapy rooms, in honest conversations, in my own life, in people who do the actual work. 00:09:27.200 --> 00:09:29.279 So what is it that actually works? 00:09:29.440 --> 00:09:32.480 Number one, relationships over content. 00:09:32.879 --> 00:09:35.679 The research on this is pretty consistent. 00:09:35.919 --> 00:09:40.720 Human connection is one of the most powerful agents of change we have. 00:09:40.960 --> 00:09:42.799 Not a book, not a course. 00:09:43.039 --> 00:09:45.519 A person who sees you and stays. 00:09:45.759 --> 00:09:53.840 Therapy works in large part because of the therapy relationship between the therapist and the client, not the techniques. 00:09:54.879 --> 00:09:58.399 Number two, understanding before action. 00:09:59.279 --> 00:10:03.519 Before you try to change a behavior, try to understand it. 00:10:03.840 --> 00:10:05.679 What function does it serve? 00:10:06.720 --> 00:10:09.120 What was it protecting you from? 00:10:09.519 --> 00:10:14.879 When you know that change becomes possible, because willpower alone doesn't do the work. 00:10:15.039 --> 00:10:18.159 It achieves nothing without understanding. 00:10:19.919 --> 00:10:26.960 Number three, tolerating discomfort instead of optimizing the way out of it. 00:10:27.440 --> 00:10:29.440 Guys, this is extremely important. 00:10:29.679 --> 00:10:33.679 We live in a society that doesn't like uncomfortable situations. 00:10:34.000 --> 00:10:38.799 Discomfort is the number one enemy of our generation. 00:10:39.200 --> 00:10:44.399 This is why we spend so much time scrolling and not thinking and feeling. 00:10:44.639 --> 00:10:46.559 Growth is uncomfortable. 00:10:46.799 --> 00:10:51.279 And the self-help industry often promises a smooth path. 00:10:51.679 --> 00:10:55.519 And that trust me, just trust me, that doesn't exist. 00:10:55.679 --> 00:10:58.080 There is no smooth path to growth. 00:10:58.240 --> 00:10:59.120 There isn't. 00:10:59.440 --> 00:11:05.679 The real work involves sitting with hard feelings, not hacking your way past them. 00:11:06.320 --> 00:11:09.919 Number four, community and accountability. 00:11:10.240 --> 00:11:12.960 Listen, it's not about the influencer you follow. 00:11:13.039 --> 00:11:14.960 Of course you might like influencers. 00:11:15.120 --> 00:11:17.039 You know, I follow them too. 00:11:17.440 --> 00:11:22.080 Actual humans in your actual life who know your actual situation. 00:11:22.320 --> 00:11:23.759 This is irreplaceable. 00:11:23.919 --> 00:11:29.120 I think you all might ask me for a conclusion now, or you know, some type of reflection. 00:11:29.519 --> 00:11:31.519 Is self-help really a scam? 00:11:31.759 --> 00:11:33.519 Okay, listen, here is where I end. 00:11:33.759 --> 00:11:35.519 The content isn't always the problem. 00:11:35.679 --> 00:11:45.919 Actually, there are a few things that I really like about the books that I read from that industry or from that corner of the internet or the the books world. 00:11:46.159 --> 00:11:51.039 And I'm an I'm a very fast reader, so trust me, I have read quite a few books. 00:11:51.200 --> 00:11:54.320 Some books carry really useful ideas. 00:11:54.480 --> 00:11:58.480 Some frameworks do help people orient themselves around it. 00:11:58.639 --> 00:12:00.559 And I think this is also important. 00:12:00.639 --> 00:12:03.279 I cannot just bash everything, you know. 00:12:03.519 --> 00:12:06.080 I'm not saying burn it all down. 00:12:06.240 --> 00:12:13.279 What I'm saying is be suspicious of any industry that profits from your belief and your insecurities. 00:12:14.080 --> 00:12:18.240 You know, they want you to believe that you're not enough and that you need to be better. 00:12:19.279 --> 00:12:22.879 Be suspicious of solutions that never quite solve the problem. 00:12:24.240 --> 00:12:31.600 Be suspicious of advice that ignores your history, your context, your nervous system, and your humanity. 00:12:32.080 --> 00:12:36.799 And it replaces all of that with five steps or a morning routine. 00:12:37.039 --> 00:12:39.519 I'm telling you, that will ultimately fail. 00:12:40.159 --> 00:12:43.600 You're not a broken machine that needs better software. 00:12:43.759 --> 00:12:52.799 You're a person complex, so many facets, shaped by experiences in your life deserving real understanding. 00:12:53.120 --> 00:12:58.879 Real understanding unfortunately doesn't sell as well as PDF guides. 00:12:59.200 --> 00:13:06.399 The most radical thing you might be able to do is stop consuming content about your life and start actually living it. 00:13:06.639 --> 00:13:11.759 Maybe with help, real help, human help, but on your own terms. 00:13:12.320 --> 00:13:14.480 So this is what I have got today. 00:13:14.879 --> 00:13:20.080 If that episode hits somewhere, share it with someone who needs to hear it. 00:13:20.320 --> 00:13:21.360 Leave a review. 00:13:21.519 --> 00:13:25.679 It really helps if you leave me a review on Apple Podcasts. 00:13:26.240 --> 00:13:27.840 And yeah. 00:13:28.799 --> 00:13:34.480 If you want to go deeper on any of this, I link some resources in the show notes. 00:13:34.559 --> 00:13:36.080 I'm Iman Tohami. 00:13:36.399 --> 00:13:39.039 This is Said in Therapy. 00:13:39.360 --> 00:13:40.960 Take care of yourself. 00:13:41.919 --> 00:13:44.879 And I mean that in the realest way possible.