رونوشت کامل 68: Balancing Having a Missionary and Aging Parents

kind of dysregulated at times. 00:03:01.449 --> 00:03:03.189 And so you're trying to create some of that. 00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:15.370 And at the same time, you're fielding calls from your siblings, doctor's offices your parents that maybe are calling you and they don't remember that they've told you things already. 00:03:16.655 --> 00:03:20.134 It's not just doing these things that that's exhausting. 00:03:20.134 --> 00:03:21.185 It's also holding. 00:03:21.185 --> 00:03:27.484 It's holding the emotions, holding the mental load, holding the responsibility, holding your own heart. 00:03:27.905 --> 00:03:35.224 That feels like at times that it's quietly breaking and stretching in a lot of directions all at the same time. 00:03:35.594 --> 00:03:45.734 And it can be really, really tempting to believe that you're at the mercy of all of it, and that is just how it has to be now and that you're trapped. 00:03:46.875 --> 00:03:48.554 But this is what I want you to hear. 00:03:48.554 --> 00:03:51.344 You can love people deeply and still have boundaries. 00:03:51.884 --> 00:03:59.924 You can show up for other people and you can stay totally connected and grounded in yourself, and you can honor the stewardship. 00:04:00.759 --> 00:04:07.389 Of helping and assisting your parents without losing your sovereignty doesn't, you don't have to be swallowed up. 00:04:09.250 --> 00:04:18.400 So here's where I'm gonna bring in a little bit of coaching'cause this is like the good stuff and this is what we all really want help with, is your brain loves to be efficient. 00:04:19.300 --> 00:04:24.850 And when your brain is exhausted or overwhelmed, it's gonna serve you up the easiest narrative possible. 00:04:25.150 --> 00:04:26.379 This is too much. 00:04:26.980 --> 00:04:28.389 No one else is helping. 00:04:29.139 --> 00:04:31.900 I'm always the one stuck doing everything. 00:04:32.590 --> 00:04:34.329 I can't do this anymore. 00:04:34.930 --> 00:04:36.009 Does this sound familiar? 00:04:36.009 --> 00:04:36.639 Any of you guys? 00:04:37.360 --> 00:04:40.000 Hopefully something am thiss resonates with you. 00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:42.639 This is really a victim brain, and it's not wrong. 00:04:42.639 --> 00:04:46.660 It's not bad, it's just doing what your brain does. 00:04:47.650 --> 00:04:57.040 But if we're not onto it, then we start to believe those thoughts is truth and then we start living from them and we can create a lot of resentment and anger. 00:04:58.895 --> 00:05:13.925 And we'll start showing up like women who are stuck and more powerless and we start talking like we have no options, and we start parenting and caregiving from a place of resentment and burnout, which that is totally not where we wanna be. 00:05:14.265 --> 00:05:24.765 Instead what if you paused and you just got really curious, what if you notice those thoughts and you're just able to gently ask yourself, oh, is that true? 00:05:25.395 --> 00:05:31.455 Or is that just my brain on autopilot trying to feed me some thoughts and ideas? 00:05:32.205 --> 00:05:36.585 So what if you could say, I can see that my brain, I can see what it's doing here. 00:05:37.245 --> 00:05:39.254 It thinks that I'm stuck, but I'm not. 00:05:39.285 --> 00:05:40.605 I may be stretched. 00:05:41.115 --> 00:05:45.015 It may be a hard season, but I'm also wise, capable, and resourceful. 00:05:46.335 --> 00:05:50.444 You get to be onto your brain and from here you get to choose something different. 00:05:50.694 --> 00:05:54.145 You have to kind of be onto like what your brain feeds you. 00:05:54.175 --> 00:06:01.405 'cause we create neuro pathways when we have thoughts that we choose to think over and over again. 00:06:01.405 --> 00:06:06.564 I can tell you something that happens to me, that my brain is uberly efficient. 00:06:06.855 --> 00:06:16.694 And when I get overwhelmed, stressed, or I feel like I'm stretched, my brain likes to say things like, you need a treat. 00:06:19.814 --> 00:06:21.375 I think you need some sugar. 00:06:21.375 --> 00:06:22.485 And then you'll feel better. 00:06:22.485 --> 00:06:23.504 And normally I don't. 00:06:23.504 --> 00:06:33.715 I feel worse, but my brain, I've done that for so long, I have to make a very conscious effort to be able to see it and see what my brain is feeding me. 00:06:33.715 --> 00:06:34.435 And also. 00:06:34.985 --> 00:06:42.935 I also love to say back to my brain, I'm choosing this, so let me give you a separate example. 00:06:42.965 --> 00:06:58.385 Other than aging parents, have you ever been in a sacrament meeting that is a testimony meeting and there's A few people that get up and, you know, bear their testimony every month like clockwork and it can be kind of annoying at times. 00:06:59.015 --> 00:07:07.444 And I was actually having this conversation with one of my friends and we were talking about it and I said, you know how I stay out of resentment towards that? 00:07:07.475 --> 00:07:08.525 And she was like, how? 00:07:08.525 --> 00:07:11.944 And I said, I just tell myself, no, no, I'm choosing this. 00:07:13.340 --> 00:07:15.620 And so I do that in a lot of areas in my life. 00:07:15.620 --> 00:07:22.100 Like if I see resentment coming in, or I see kind of like an annoyance, I'm like, oh, I'm choosing this. 00:07:22.340 --> 00:07:24.470 I'm choosing to attend church. 00:07:24.770 --> 00:07:26.450 I'm choosing to come to Sacrament. 00:07:26.450 --> 00:07:34.170 I'm choosing to be open to whatever I'm being taught, I'm choosing this and it's very, very proactive. 00:07:34.500 --> 00:07:42.040 So this also helps when you have aging parents and you're helping is just being able to tell yourself like, I'm choosing this. 00:07:42.564 --> 00:07:44.245 In this moment, I'm choosing this. 00:07:44.485 --> 00:07:45.865 I'm choosing to help them. 00:07:46.435 --> 00:08:00.905 And this is something that I mentioned, I am facing, I, I deal with this on a daily basis and my parents aren't getting any younger, as

long as I'm staying focused on them and helping them, like I'm choosing this, then I can stay pretty clean. 00:08:00.905 --> 00:08:14.495 But if I start looking around and my brain starts feeding me ideas like, your siblings should be helping more or so and so should call them, or maybe her ministering sister should be visiting her more often. 00:08:14.495 --> 00:08:21.694 If I do anything like that, then I start to create resentment and I am creating it, and because I'm creating it. 00:08:21.735 --> 00:08:23.115 I can uncreate it. 00:08:23.655 --> 00:08:33.855 And so it's like being really on to what your brain is doing so that you don't create those resentment pathways and you keep things very cleaned up. 00:08:33.914 --> 00:08:37.215 And that is something that I am working on myself. 00:08:37.215 --> 00:08:37.904 And so I. 00:08:38.809 --> 00:08:42.080 That's one of the reasons I really wanted to share it. 00:08:42.179 --> 00:08:44.429 Let me say something really clear here. 00:08:44.460 --> 00:08:52.590 This isn't about spiritually bypassing hard stuff, and I'm not here to tell you just be grateful or just to think happy thoughts. 00:08:52.590 --> 00:08:54.689 That's totally not it. 00:08:55.139 --> 00:09:04.019 I'm here to help you notice when your brain is telling you a story that keeps you disempowered and we really wanna protect your energy and it doesn't mean. 00:09:04.529 --> 00:09:07.559 Protecting your energy does not mean pretending. 00:09:07.559 --> 00:09:08.519 Everything's fine. 00:09:09.059 --> 00:09:11.909 My mom having cancer does not feel fine. 00:09:12.329 --> 00:09:16.139 I'm not gonna pretend like that feels fine, right? 00:09:16.589 --> 00:09:21.480 It means noticing when I start carrying somebody else's emotional backpack, I. 00:09:21.824 --> 00:09:23.594 And gently putting this down. 00:09:24.164 --> 00:09:26.084 So I love backpacks. 00:09:26.804 --> 00:09:35.594 I am an outdoor enthusiast of epic proportions, and so this idea of emotional backpack really resonates with me. 00:09:35.594 --> 00:09:38.654 But it can be anything for you, like whatever it is. 00:09:39.044 --> 00:09:48.404 When you start noticing you're carrying somebody else's emotional backpack, or if you're putting on somebody else's emotional shoes, if you're drowning in somebody else's emotional. 00:09:48.429 --> 00:09:49.269 Pool. 00:09:49.899 --> 00:09:58.360 It's gently being able to set it down or to get out of that pool and it means you just have to ask yourself some really simple questions. 00:09:58.360 --> 00:09:59.769 Is this mine to carry? 00:10:00.610 --> 00:10:04.329 Do I like who I am when I show up this way? 00:10:05.589 --> 00:10:09.159 What would love do here for them and for me? 00:10:10.254 --> 00:10:14.694 probably my favorite question is, do I like who I am when I show up this way? 00:10:15.474 --> 00:10:22.745 Because when I show up, resentful, angry, annoyed, snarky I don't love the way that feels. 00:10:22.745 --> 00:10:25.605 I don't love the way that, feels in my body. 00:10:25.934 --> 00:10:28.304 And I usually end up having some regrets. 00:10:29.039 --> 00:10:30.539 So this is real work. 00:10:30.539 --> 00:10:34.919 Like honest to goodness, when people talk about deep work, this is deep work. 00:10:34.919 --> 00:10:36.089 It's not flashy. 00:10:36.659 --> 00:10:43.230 No one's gonna give you a gold star, but it's work that helps you stay very steady and helps you start to shift. 00:10:43.349 --> 00:10:56.019 And I find that if it gets a little overwhelming and I start getting, resentful one of the things that I like to do is I just like to take it to God in prayer and just open my heart and just ask him to help me carry this load. 00:10:57.664 --> 00:11:03.365 This is the work that allows you to answer your missionaries email with a really deep presence instead of pressure. 00:11:03.814 --> 00:11:10.384 'cause sometimes we get, we feel a lot of pressure if they're struggling, but it's like being really present and being really aware. 00:11:10.834 --> 00:11:16.954 It, it also allows you to take your mom to an appointment without spiraling and resentment. 00:11:17.654 --> 00:11:28.564 It allows you to have conversations with your siblings without thinking about all the things they should be doing, kinda keeps you cleaned up and keeps your side of the street cleaned up. 00:11:29.344 --> 00:11:39.964 It's what helps you pause before you say yes to one more thing because you know that your energy is sacred, and it's also being able to know when to step back and to take care of yourself. 00:11:40.485 --> 00:11:51.884 Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is to take a nap because honest to goodness, if you're lacking sleep, none of this is gonna come together well for you. 00:11:52.485 --> 00:11:53.985 Sometimes you have to say no. 00:11:53.985 --> 00:11:54.794 I said, no. 00:11:54.794 --> 00:11:59.324 This week I had my ministering sisters that wanted to come and visit me. 00:11:59.324 --> 00:12:06.375 I'm in the middle of doing a big move where I am actually moving in with my parents to help them during the week. 00:12:06.855 --> 00:12:12.495 And I, I initially, I felt a little bit of pressure like, oh, I need to let him come. 00:12:12.495 --> 00:12:15.254 But then I just said, I actually don't have the energy this week. 00:12:15.404 --> 00:12:17.204 And so I just said, I can't this week. 00:12:17.204 --> 00:12:17.924 It's not a good time. 00:12:18.924 --> 00:12:29.394 Sometimes it's sitting in your car and crying and then deciding on purpose that you're going to keep showing up anyway and you're gonna show up from just a different emotional place. 00:12:29.814 --> 00:12:31.764 And sometimes you're just gonna show up tired. 00:12:31.764 --> 00:12:31.824 I. 00:12:32.250 --> 00:12:33.480 And that's okay too. 00:12:35.559 --> 00:12:39.939 I just want to remind you of something that this season will not last forever. 00:12:39.939 --> 00:12:41.620 So how do you wanna

show up in it? 00:12:42.069 --> 00:12:50.889 The habits that you create now, the grounding time for yourself, the being onto your brain of being able to honor your energy. 00:12:50.990 --> 00:12:53.990 these things can last a lifetime and they're a gift. 00:12:54.469 --> 00:12:55.569 And you're missionary. 00:12:55.990 --> 00:12:57.219 They don't need a perfect mom. 00:12:58.209 --> 00:12:59.289 They need a real one. 00:12:59.679 --> 00:13:26.500 They need a resilient real mom and one who's learning how to live from her calm center, that when you get activated and you're in team hyper or team hypo, that you also can draw on the information you've gathered about yourself so that you can regain your footing and get your legs back under you, and you can get back to your calm center so that you can show up the way that you want. 00:13:27.129 --> 00:13:29.569 But your missionary they need to see this. 00:13:31.879 --> 00:13:34.129 And your parents, they don't need a hero. 00:13:35.059 --> 00:13:43.129 They just need a daughter who knows her limits and offers what she can without pretending that she doesn't have any. 00:13:43.789 --> 00:13:44.750 And you, you need, you. 00:13:46.564 --> 00:13:57.064 You need to be fully present, fully human, fully capable of walking through all of this with grace, even when it's messy and it feels really hard. 00:13:57.934 --> 00:14:03.605 So take a deep breath here and get really curious about what your brain is telling you. 00:14:03.605 --> 00:14:06.724 And remember that you're not a victim of this life. 00:14:07.024 --> 00:14:10.834 You're the author of it, and you're doing a beautiful. 00:14:11.269 --> 00:14:12.139 Beautiful job. 00:14:13.370 --> 00:14:23.389 So if this episode helped you breathe just a little bit easier, maybe calm your nervous system down just a little bit, you can come over and hang out with me on Instagram. 00:14:24.029 --> 00:14:27.299 That's the main place I hang out and I'm not on there a ton. 00:14:27.299 --> 00:14:29.579 I actually don't do a lot of social media anymore. 00:14:29.579 --> 00:14:29.610 I. 00:14:30.610 --> 00:14:41.110 And then there's, this is the kind of work that we can do together every week on this podcast, learning how to stay regulated, to be present, and to choose love without losing ourselves. 00:14:41.110 --> 00:14:45.519 So just remember that you're not alone, you're not stuck. 00:14:46.120 --> 00:14:53.860 You're just in the middle of something really important and you've, you've got this, and that is what I have for you today. 00:14:53.889 --> 00:14:56.169 Now, I wanted to start a new thing. 00:14:56.485 --> 00:15:04.105 On my podcast, I got an email the other day that said I had fan mail on my podcast and I was like, wait, what? 00:15:04.434 --> 00:15:05.544 What is fan mail? 00:15:05.964 --> 00:15:10.956 So I was really excited to go in and read what somebody sent me. 00:15:11.579 --> 00:15:11.699 I. 00:15:11.699 --> 00:15:19.794 And so I decided that from now on, if somebody sends me fan mail, I'm just going to include it at the end of my podcast, so I'm just gonna read it. 00:15:20.245 --> 00:15:21.894 It said thank you for your podcast. 00:15:21.894 --> 00:15:25.314 I have one missionary out and one who is about to submit an application. 00:15:25.794 --> 00:15:31.860 I just wanted to tell you how happy I feel after I listen to your podcast and how helpful the topics you cover are. 00:15:33.529 --> 00:15:34.879 Oh, I love this. 00:15:35.360 --> 00:15:42.349 And I actually did a search to see if there was a way that I could respond to fan mail and that I could, you know, send out a thank you. 00:15:42.829 --> 00:15:47.059 But there isn't because it, it, it does come through basically anonymous. 00:15:47.059 --> 00:15:47.689 So I. 00:15:48.324 --> 00:15:50.394 Thank you so much for sending this. 00:15:50.424 --> 00:15:55.804 This came from Sheridan, Wyoming, thanks for, for listening and thank you so much for the message. 00:15:56.254 --> 00:16:11.194 Alright, everybody, have a fantastic week and let's just keep working slowly through this life together and hopefully we can just make small shifts, small changes, and continue to open our heart to Christ. 00:16:11.584 --> 00:16:12.485 We'll see you next week. 00:16:12.485 --> 00:16:12.844 Bye-bye.