رونوشت کامل Episode 123: The Learning Never Lets Up

Sphere, and I hate everything to do with that fucking guy and his loser friends who aren't even funny. 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:21.600 Anyway, um, so yeah. 00:05:23.360 --> 00:05:43.600 Back in May, I talked to you a bit about an event that took place, and basically what had happened was my friend Chris, my good friend Chris Olson, who I grew up with, went to camp with, uh, was a friend to me, a friend to my brother, friend to many people that I knew. 00:05:43.920 --> 00:05:51.439 Just a beam of light energy, always positive, always trying to find the good in every scenario. 00:05:51.600 --> 00:06:01.120 Supporter of the arts, athletic, musical, friendly to everybody, just a really sweet, all-around golden guy. 00:06:01.600 --> 00:06:02.959 He he passed. 00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:12.720 Uh, I'm gonna say, I think it was around May 17th, and that that set in motion a lot of things in my summer. 00:06:13.040 --> 00:06:32.720 I think I was at a place previous to that where I was just kind of struggling a bit, struggling to find meaning, uh, struggling to find joy, you know, getting worried a lot about finances, being a full-time, mostly full-time artist, um, worried about a lot of things. 00:06:33.279 --> 00:06:48.160 And, you know, it set off a chain of events, and I'm not gonna say self-destructive, but it definitely put me in a place where, you know, I went through a bit of a what does it all mean phase. 00:06:48.560 --> 00:07:00.639 And though, you know, it was grounded by my daughter and time with her and good friends and good conversations with them, just a strange, uh, a really strange time. 00:07:01.519 --> 00:07:07.759 And a lot of that mid-May feeling was was really rough. 00:07:07.839 --> 00:07:29.439 And then a skip ahead to about, I think, five or six days later, after Chris had passed, I learned of another friend in the Ottawa music world named Kirby, who is a lovely human being and is involved with theater, involved with music, just a uh another beam of light, who I think is, I'm gonna guess, maybe around 40, I'm not sure. 00:07:29.839 --> 00:07:36.720 And she was diagnosed with uh stage four cancer of some kind, I'm not sure the exact one. 00:07:37.040 --> 00:07:39.759 But there was a get-together for her, so I went to that. 00:07:40.240 --> 00:07:52.480 And then later that night, I came home, and the events of that night I'm not gonna get into the detail of, but all you can know is that I was not drinking. 00:07:52.800 --> 00:07:59.439 Uh, I'd maybe had one beer at this get-together for Kirby, feeling sad from that, feeling sad from the Chris thing. 00:07:59.519 --> 00:08:14.160 And then I got into I wouldn't even call it an altercation, just a brutal situation with a young police officer who felt very cocksure, very aggressive that he had me doing something wrong, and he kept pushing and pushing and pushing. 00:08:14.319 --> 00:08:17.600 And I was like, Well, no, I don't want to do that. 00:08:18.000 --> 00:08:27.360 Um, and I was literally walking in my neighborhood um when this thing happened, and it it just is so unfortunate the whole thing. 00:08:27.519 --> 00:08:29.920 I don't want to talk about it or go into details. 00:08:30.079 --> 00:08:33.120 Um, I'm not a drinker-driver person. 00:08:33.200 --> 00:08:39.759 I I had a patch of that in my past and I grew from it, and it's not something I do. 00:08:40.399 --> 00:08:55.519 So, yeah, I this situation really took me aback because it wasn't a uh blood alcohol test, it was something called a refusal where I, again, as I said, had one beer, was walking home, just not in the mood to deal with anyone. 00:08:55.759 --> 00:09:03.279 Aggressive cop in my face, pushing, pushing, pushing while I'm walking, wants to do breathalyzer, breathalyzer, breathalyzer, breathalyzer in my face. 00:09:03.360 --> 00:09:06.480 And so I was like, Well, I know I don't have to do it, so I'm not gonna. 00:09:06.639 --> 00:09:07.600 So I refused. 00:09:07.840 --> 00:09:11.279 And now, knowing what I know now, would I go back and take it? 00:09:11.440 --> 00:09:14.320 Yes, in all likelihood for sure. 00:09:14.639 --> 00:09:32.480 But you know, here we are, and uh, so I had to go from May 22nd till August 22nd with no license, no driving abilities, knowing I've been booked at festivals in different cities, in different towns. 00:09:32.799 --> 00:09:34.080 How's that gonna happen? 00:09:34.240 --> 00:09:38.240 But I gotta tell you, I really had to lean on some people. 00:09:38.480 --> 00:09:43.759 I really had to talk, to get things out, to have some great conversations. 00:09:44.159 --> 00:09:45.519 People like Frank. 00:09:45.759 --> 00:09:52.559 Frank picked me up in Peterborough, and then he drove me all the way from Peterborough to Ottawa. 00:09:52.639 --> 00:09:54.799 That's a solid three hours. 00:09:55.039 --> 00:09:57.200 I couldn't believe that he he did that. 00:09:57.360 --> 00:10:01.279 And he came from Toronto to do it, I should mention that. 00:10:01.360 --> 00:10:12.159 So another two hours to Peterborough, and then another three to drive me home, and then he had something that I think he had to do in Ottawa, but again, who does that? 00:10:12.399 --> 00:10:15.200 What a beautiful man, Frank Yacabucci. 00:10:15.360 --> 00:10:15.919 Shout out. 00:10:16.080 --> 00:10:27.600 Then my friend Ali, Ali Turpin, who is also my mechanic, also just a great um human being, took me to Four Winds Festival, and that was unbelievable. 00:10:27.679 --> 00:10:29.039 It's such a long way. 00:10:29.200 --> 00:10:43.200 Uh, we stopped at my friend Sajan and Shelly's on the way up, which is about four hours, and then we went all the way up to four winds um and just enjoyed that. 00:10:43.360 --> 00:10:47.360 We had a really good time, some really good chats. 00:10:47.679 --> 00:10:56.879 Um, I was just had lots of good comedy conversations with Allie and she loves to smoke the Siggies. 00:10:56.960 --> 00:10:59.919 So that was happening, you know, a lot

during the drive. 00:11:00.080 --> 00:11:04.720 And you know, some other people too who drove me places this summer. 00:11:05.279 --> 00:11:09.279 Um, my friend Jenny from Quebec, unbelievable. 00:11:09.440 --> 00:11:12.559 Just I think she picked me up in Almont and then took me home. 00:11:12.720 --> 00:11:14.879 My friend Sajan, who's been a great friend forever. 00:11:15.039 --> 00:11:16.559 Sagin and Shelley. 00:11:16.960 --> 00:11:24.960 Um Sajan drove me around quite a bit this summer to a few different things and was so helpful and so kind and loving. 00:11:25.120 --> 00:11:31.679 Uh, Stephen Stanley, the great musician, also like Sajan, who's a great musician, also, makes music under Hollow Sage. 00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:35.120 Stephen Stanley drove me around quite a bit. 00:11:35.360 --> 00:11:45.759 He drove me from Kingston to Ottawa just recently, and then he drove me from I want to say, yeah, Wolf Island, Kingston, to um Uxbridge. 00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:54.960 And we had, you know, such a fun time and some really great chats, and it was great to spend some time with him. 00:11:55.039 --> 00:11:57.120 My friend Tayard Frost picked me up in Ottawa. 00:11:57.279 --> 00:12:03.840 We went up and played Motel Chelsea in Quebec a little under an hour, maybe 45 minutes that drive each way. 00:12:04.159 --> 00:12:06.720 And just had some great convos with people. 00:12:06.879 --> 00:12:14.720 My friend Jacqueline, uh Derek, Mel, so many people that stepped in and were like, Yeah, I can drive you. 00:12:14.799 --> 00:12:16.000 It's not a big deal. 00:12:16.240 --> 00:12:17.919 I'm going that way anyway. 00:12:18.080 --> 00:12:22.960 You know, I think I'm someone who is used to being pretty resourceful. 00:12:23.039 --> 00:12:26.240 I'm used to being very independent, used to operating a lot on my own. 00:12:26.320 --> 00:12:29.519 And this summer, just the way the cookie crumbled, I couldn't. 00:12:29.679 --> 00:12:31.759 I had to depend on others. 00:12:32.080 --> 00:12:33.679 So I did. 00:12:34.080 --> 00:12:38.000 And um, yeah, I'm on the the other side of that now. 00:12:38.080 --> 00:12:40.159 I still, by the way, do have a GoFundMe going. 00:12:40.240 --> 00:12:44.720 You can find it on my Instagram or on my Facebook page. 00:12:44.960 --> 00:12:49.600 Um, you can find it, I think, on my website as well, graven.ca. 00:12:50.159 --> 00:13:00.960 So if if you want to help with my legal situation, it would be greatly appreciated as I'm still going to court, but but but here's the good news I do have my license back. 00:13:01.279 --> 00:13:20.240 And just the last few days driving around, having that autonomy, knowing that I'm legally able to drive again after serving the penalty, being put in the penalty box, as they say in Slapshot, uh, it's a good feeling. 00:13:20.480 --> 00:13:28.480 I feel really freaking grateful that I I have such a great crew, a great throng of friends, you know. 00:13:29.120 --> 00:13:36.000 Um yeah, real plethora,

to quote three amigos, El Guapo. 00:13:36.799 --> 00:13:41.840 It's uh there are so many helpers out there. 00:13:42.000 --> 00:13:42.799 There really are. 00:13:43.039 --> 00:13:44.559 It goes back to my Mr. 00:13:44.720 --> 00:13:53.679 Rogers experience when I saw that documentary back in, I think it was 2017 or 2018. 00:13:54.480 --> 00:13:56.320 Uh really changed my life. 00:13:56.559 --> 00:14:04.559 It helped me to realize that you know kindness is real and you don't need to do it expecting anything back. 00:14:04.799 --> 00:14:08.480 You can just be kind and expect nothing. 00:14:08.639 --> 00:14:19.840 Just for the fuck of it, just for the dang social experiment fun of feeling good in your heart, in your soul, that you just held a door for somebody. 00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:23.519 Took another seven seconds out of your day to wait for someone else to come through. 00:14:23.679 --> 00:14:33.039 Maybe they're having that shitty of a day that that little tiny, seemingly innocuous action changed the course of their lives. 00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:37.200 And I experienced a lot of kindness back from people uh this summer. 00:14:37.279 --> 00:14:40.879 And and friends, I'm telling you, it makes the world go round. 00:14:41.279 --> 00:14:42.559 It really does. 00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:55.360 And in all my highways and byways of this summer, I would say uh my faith in people is at a a good level, especially just knowing that, you know, I have some great friends. 00:14:55.519 --> 00:15:00.080 I've got some people in my life who who really care about me, and I really care about them. 00:15:00.639 --> 00:15:03.519 And I'm I'm thankful, you know. 00:15:03.679 --> 00:15:10.639 Uh Dennis, too, by the way, Dennis drove me all over and helped pick up Ron Hawkins when he came here and played in my garage. 00:15:10.879 --> 00:15:18.399 Uh by the way, I should mention, I know we're like halfway through the pod, but I am playing with Ron Hawkins September 4th and 5th in Burlington. 00:15:18.480 --> 00:15:21.039 Uh, Friday night is fully sold out. 00:15:21.200 --> 00:15:23.200 Saturday night, there's only six tickets left. 00:15:23.360 --> 00:15:25.679 So would love to see you if you want to come. 00:15:25.759 --> 00:15:30.080 It's Labor Day, and still, you know, Ron packs the house. 00:15:30.240 --> 00:15:34.240 I uh I pack uh shacks, I would say. 00:15:34.639 --> 00:15:36.639 Graven is the shack packer. 00:15:36.799 --> 00:15:39.519 No, but I'm I'm really thankful to be playing with him. 00:15:39.679 --> 00:15:47.279 Uh Ron has been really supportive to me, and and we're gonna have a great time um at those shows in Burlington September 4th and 5th. 00:15:47.440 --> 00:15:52.080 Uh September 11th, I'm playing at Cafe 1870 in Wakefield. 00:15:52.159 --> 00:15:53.200 Would love to see you there. 00:15:53.360 --> 00:15:59.679 And you can see my um my shows at uh at Graven.ca we hope hope to see you. 00:15:59.919 --> 00:16:08.080 Um yeah, so we'd really appreciate um

any support you can give through the GoFundMe, any help you can give. 00:16:08.159 --> 00:16:09.120 But how how are you? 00:16:09.279 --> 00:16:12.240 You know, what's happening with all of you? 00:16:12.399 --> 00:16:14.720 How has your summer been? 00:16:15.279 --> 00:16:19.759 Have you had to do some digging on your own, like I have? 00:16:20.320 --> 00:16:23.840 What's serving you and not serving you these days? 00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:26.159 Have you taken stock of that? 00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:30.720 I think it's important, you know, especially being adults, getting older. 00:16:31.600 --> 00:16:33.519 Our time is limited, man. 00:16:33.679 --> 00:16:44.240 Our resources, our abilities to move to and fro, just to make plans with friends, you realize like, oh man, summers are a treat. 00:16:44.559 --> 00:16:48.720 Any time off that you have is a treat and a total gift. 00:16:49.039 --> 00:16:50.559 So use it accordingly. 00:16:51.039 --> 00:16:58.559 You know, don't waste it away just doing silly shit or packing things in because you're like, oh, I need to do this. 00:16:58.639 --> 00:17:02.000 You know, I really, it's been too long since I've seen that person. 00:17:02.080 --> 00:17:05.359 I really got to mark that X in that box and do it. 00:17:05.680 --> 00:17:09.440 No, do the things, don't don't be led by shame and guilt. 00:17:09.920 --> 00:17:14.960 Lead by your gut, lead by what you're feeling, what you need to do. 00:17:15.440 --> 00:17:27.200 If you're feeling that you need a weekend to yourself, to be quiet, to watch some movies, to just lay low, to unplug from people, hey man, heed that voice. 00:17:27.359 --> 00:17:28.480 There's probably something there. 00:17:28.559 --> 00:17:30.799 There's a reason why you're feeling that way. 00:17:31.039 --> 00:17:40.799 If you're feeling like you need to get out, like you need to see people, you are wasting away, um, being on your own and you need the social interaction, do it. 00:17:41.119 --> 00:17:43.519 You know, feed from that. 00:17:44.079 --> 00:17:52.079 Get your um emotional and intellectual glitz and glamour stimulated. 00:17:52.559 --> 00:17:54.799 Just be happy with that, you know. 00:17:54.880 --> 00:17:59.279 Plug in those Christmas lights in your brain and watch things light up. 00:18:00.160 --> 00:18:02.240 Just see the chain reaction. 00:18:03.039 --> 00:18:05.119 You know, you really gotta listen to yourself. 00:18:05.200 --> 00:18:08.799 And and one thing I did I had to do this summer was listen to myself. 00:18:09.039 --> 00:18:14.240 Um, I hope I feel like I am in a calmer place lately. 00:18:14.400 --> 00:18:15.920 I feel like I'm in an okay state. 00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:21.039 I'm just kind of able to accept and not reject, not push against. 00:18:21.119 --> 00:18:30.640 I think in early May, when my situation changed, when I realized that I couldn't, you know, drive the things were going to change, I was in full-on fight mode. 00:18:30.880 --> 00:18:35.839 My body was

in fight mode, my head was in fight mode, my heart. 00:18:36.079 --> 00:18:38.799 I was like rage, rage, rage. 00:18:38.960 --> 00:18:40.319 You know, this is wrong. 00:18:40.480 --> 00:18:41.440 What's happened? 00:18:41.680 --> 00:18:44.160 I need to, you know, fight against it. 00:18:44.319 --> 00:18:52.880 I I still do believe that, but there's a part of me through this grief counseling that I did, but shout out to Stacy, by the way. 00:18:53.039 --> 00:18:57.119 Uh, you guys can look Stacy up on my Instagram at Graven Canada. 00:18:57.200 --> 00:18:59.359 I've tagged her in quite a few things. 00:18:59.599 --> 00:19:05.680 Uh, incredible grief counselor from Boston who just found me out of the blue and said, Would you can I offer you some free sessions? 00:19:05.839 --> 00:19:16.559 Like you just seem like a good human, and she's uh has a great family down in Boston and just so thankful to connect with this person. 00:19:16.640 --> 00:19:21.440 I sh I, you know, there were a few moments where going into sessions with her, I was like, I feel pretty okay. 00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:27.200 And then I would start crying, you know, just out of nowhere. 00:19:27.599 --> 00:19:35.920 And it's amazing to see what things need to be unpacked, what things need to be uncorked from your cellar. 00:19:36.160 --> 00:19:50.720 Sometimes we we keep things under lock and key, we keep things just ruminating too long, just percolating around and around and you know, getting carbonated and fizzy and that that pressure. 00:19:53.440 --> 00:19:55.200 It just needs to be let out. 00:19:55.599 --> 00:19:57.759 So I hope you can find ways to do that. 00:19:57.839 --> 00:20:00.480 I've I've had a good summer of doing that. 00:20:00.640 --> 00:20:08.720 I had to write down some um short-term and long-term goals, and I thought I would share those with you as you um go forth. 00:20:08.799 --> 00:20:10.319 This won't be a super long one today. 00:20:10.400 --> 00:20:14.720 I just wanted to get back into it and to let you know that I still love you. 00:20:14.880 --> 00:20:16.720 I'm still here, I'm still with you. 00:20:16.960 --> 00:20:22.079 I've just been, you know, turning the dial back on a lot of things lately. 00:20:22.720 --> 00:20:25.359 But I am I know the fall is coming. 00:20:25.519 --> 00:20:29.680 I know we're all on a school schedule in our minds, things are gonna get busy. 00:20:29.920 --> 00:20:33.440 People are gonna go, oh, we only have September, maybe October for some good weather. 00:20:33.519 --> 00:20:36.319 So let's do this and this and this, and things start getting packed up. 00:20:36.559 --> 00:20:41.920 So I am feeling that crunch a bit with booking shows and different things, but what can we do? 00:20:42.160 --> 00:20:47.519 Um so here were some of my short and long-term goals. 00:20:48.799 --> 00:20:56.240 Number one, appreciate the present instead of pining for what I don't have. 00:20:56.799 --> 00:20:59.359 That's still something that's very hard for me. 00:20:59.920 --> 00:21:03.759 I think about music a lot and I've thought about it a lot lately. 00:21:03.920 --> 00:21:09.119 Even some of my journal entries on my phone, I'm like, oh, rereading them, going, what the hell? 00:21:09.359 --> 00:21:11.359 Was I drunk when I wrote that? 00:21:11.680 --> 00:21:19.920 Because there there is some there are some things about music where I go, oh, you know, this person got that. 00:21:20.400 --> 00:21:24.480 You know, that person got another nomination for this bullshit album. 00:21:24.640 --> 00:21:28.960 It sounds like nothing, there's no originality or uniqueness to it. 00:21:29.200 --> 00:21:33.680 It sounds cookie-cutter, store-bought, bullshit. 00:21:34.000 --> 00:21:36.559 But you know, what can I do? 00:21:36.880 --> 00:21:40.720 It's so useless to stay in that state of mind, to stay there. 00:21:41.039 --> 00:21:45.519 You can have thoughts, you can think things, we all need to get things out, sound them out. 00:21:45.680 --> 00:21:49.440 You all need to have friends where you can go, oh, you know, this really irked me. 00:21:49.680 --> 00:21:53.279 But to stay in that is so dumb. 00:21:54.319 --> 00:22:12.720 And to think about, you know, man, for years and years I worked so Many different jobs that I hated, where I was plugged in incorrectly, where I was just sort of swimming, like doggy paddling in the deep end, because I I didn't know what I was doing. 00:22:12.880 --> 00:22:14.880 It's not even that I couldn't figure it out. 00:22:15.039 --> 00:22:20.160 I'm a pretty smart, intuitive guy, but I didn't want to be there. 00:22:20.400 --> 00:22:31.279 And I was like, my talents, my abilities, my gifts are not fitting into this character that I'm playing right now, just to make money. 00:22:31.599 --> 00:22:34.799 It it's not equating, it doesn't work. 00:22:35.119 --> 00:22:38.400 And I lived that life for decades, man. 00:22:39.359 --> 00:22:46.720 Probably from about age 19 to about like 39, I would say. 00:22:47.200 --> 00:22:48.960 What is that, 20 years? 00:22:49.279 --> 00:22:49.599 God. 00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:51.839 Yeah. 00:22:52.240 --> 00:23:01.759 Until then, and I really realized like I need to do more with music, and I was getting more just signs and things that were saying you should try it. 00:23:02.000 --> 00:23:02.720 Is it hard? 00:23:02.880 --> 00:23:03.519 Is it difficult? 00:23:03.680 --> 00:23:06.480 Are there some days where I'm like, I want to give up the ghost? 00:23:06.799 --> 00:23:16.799 Because the highest, quote unquote, highest places you can go, like award ceremony ceremonies and things like that, and these conferences, a lot of times I want nothing to do with. 00:23:17.119 --> 00:23:18.960 I want nothing to do with any of them. 00:23:19.039 --> 00:23:22.480 I don't want anything to do with industry stuff, gatekeepy bullshit. 00:23:22.640 --> 00:23:24.799 I think it's all very detrimental. 00:23:25.119 --> 00:23:39.599 But to get to where I have

arrived at and am still going down the road of and still progressing within is a total blessing. 00:23:39.759 --> 00:23:41.200 And I have to see it as that. 00:23:41.359 --> 00:23:42.880 I can't see it any other way. 00:23:43.200 --> 00:24:11.440 Man, I've had some incredible opportunities to open for some incredibly talented artists, to share stages at festivals with some incredibly talented artists, um, to have musicians, music makers, creators who I look up to, whose albums I've owned for years and years, and I'd listen to them and ruminate over them over and over, and just their songs are just etched into the mosaic of my brain. 00:24:11.680 --> 00:24:17.200 To have some of those people say, Man, you have some great songs. 00:24:18.000 --> 00:24:20.000 I mean, unbelievable. 00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:28.079 There's nothing like that in the world, and I'm so lucky, you know, to live this life, to do it. 00:24:28.240 --> 00:24:33.920 So I feel like I've maybe broken through some glass ceilings in that regard. 00:24:34.000 --> 00:24:37.519 And I I'm just trying to care less about the shit that I can't control. 00:24:37.680 --> 00:24:46.720 I just, you know, worried, uh, not worried, but thinking about geographics, really loving this album as it ruminates more. 00:24:46.799 --> 00:24:52.160 And by the way, I got a chance to listen to it for the first time since it came out the other week. 00:24:52.400 --> 00:24:55.680 So about six months from when it was released, it came out in March. 00:24:55.759 --> 00:24:56.960 It's now August. 00:24:57.279 --> 00:25:05.759 I took a stroll through the Bruce Pitt and I listened to it front to back, and I was like, fuck, man, I am really happy with this record. 00:25:06.160 --> 00:25:09.200 And that takes a lot sometimes for me to say that. 00:25:09.440 --> 00:25:13.119 And just that feeling of like, well, I like this. 00:25:13.359 --> 00:25:14.960 I'm okay with it. 00:25:15.279 --> 00:25:20.000 I'm, you know, always growing, progressing, thinking of different things I want to do. 00:25:20.319 --> 00:25:32.960 But for six days with Melissa and Charles and Jamie and Jordan and Frank, like to pound out what we did, truly something really, really magical. 00:25:33.119 --> 00:25:36.720 Something really, really otherworldly. 00:25:37.119 --> 00:25:38.160 But I digress. 00:25:38.240 --> 00:25:42.400 That's all part of appreciating the present instead of pining for what I can't have. 00:25:42.559 --> 00:25:45.920 And I'm just feeling more thankful. 00:25:46.640 --> 00:25:57.599 Um, number two, in my goals out of three, I said I would like to move towards a more sober lifestyle. 00:25:57.839 --> 00:26:00.400 And I was back there about a year ago. 00:26:00.799 --> 00:26:07.279 A year ago, this time, I was kind of just wandering my way back into drinking here and there. 00:26:07.599 --> 00:26:09.359 Just the odd time. 00:26:09.519 --> 00:26:10.400 Very seldom. 00:26:10.559 --> 00:26:14.880 I'd be like, oh yeah, tonight, yeah, I might have a couple, whatever. 00:26:15.920 --> 00:26:23.680 And it was very once in a while, and I was at a point where I hadn't drank for so long, and I thought, you know, it's okay. 00:26:23.759 --> 00:26:29.200 And it's it's not like it's a problem for me, is I can pick it up and put it down. 00:26:29.759 --> 00:26:34.559 But there was a malaise, I think, in my life that started creeping in, and I didn't really recognize it. 00:26:34.720 --> 00:26:36.960 I thought, I can do this once in a while. 00:26:37.039 --> 00:26:38.079 So what's the big deal? 00:26:38.240 --> 00:26:38.960 Who gives a shit? 00:26:39.039 --> 00:26:40.000 It's just alcohol. 00:26:40.240 --> 00:26:45.680 But it slowly led to other things, I think other habits, ritualistic thinking. 00:26:46.160 --> 00:26:54.640 I think about those nine months last year where I was really, really sober, and I just think I had more energy. 00:26:54.799 --> 00:26:56.160 I think I enjoyed life more. 00:26:56.319 --> 00:26:58.880 So that's something that I want to get back to. 00:26:58.960 --> 00:27:03.920 And I've made an agreement with myself that as my 50th birthday approaches, that's right, friends. 00:27:04.000 --> 00:27:06.799 You heard it here, September 23rd. 00:27:07.039 --> 00:27:11.039 I will celebrate the big 5-0 or not celebrate it. 00:27:11.119 --> 00:27:14.319 Maybe I'll just go to a cabin in the woods, hang out by myself. 00:27:14.559 --> 00:27:20.480 Um, I think, you know, I'll probably have a few drinks there, and I think that's gonna be it. 00:27:20.640 --> 00:27:22.799 I think I am uh pulling the curtain. 00:27:22.880 --> 00:27:31.119 I'm not gonna say, you know, for life, but substantially I'm really gonna dial it back because I've lost my love for it. 00:27:31.200 --> 00:27:39.119 I don't love the uh feeling now of like having a few beers, the wake up, the the shitty sleep, you know. 00:27:39.279 --> 00:27:43.680 I like the the it definitely takes my good time and turns it from a 10 to a 12. 00:27:43.759 --> 00:27:46.240 I'm not really a depressive drinker. 00:27:47.200 --> 00:27:52.480 So, but I it's run its course, like all things, and I'm okay with that. 00:27:52.559 --> 00:27:56.960 So that's uh number two of my long-term goals, long and short-term goals. 00:27:57.759 --> 00:28:11.680 And number three, I think it's still kind of being balanced out, but number three is march to my own beat. 00:28:12.319 --> 00:28:14.400 And to really not be afraid to do that. 00:28:14.640 --> 00:28:23.359 Just listen to myself, check in, find out what my gut is saying, and try to follow that path. 00:28:23.440 --> 00:28:40.240 Um, instead of always worrying about, you know, how I'm perceived, how things are, how are the numbers, how are these things moving, you know, just get more into being okay with you, being letting the weird in you shine through. 00:28:40.480 --> 00:28:43.920 You know, that old expression, let your freak flag fly. 00:28:44.160 --> 00:29:06.000 But yeah, just being okay with being me and uh and not trying to fucking get on some, you know, escalator, and and you're you're sizing yourself up as you're taking the ride, you know, higher and higher, and you're sizing yourself up against your opponents, and again, it's just like it's such a losing battle. 00:29:06.319 --> 00:29:12.799 So I would like to just march more to my own beat, whatever that means. 00:29:13.039 --> 00:29:19.599 I hope you can find some meaning from that, and I hope you enjoy, and uh hope you enjoyed this pod. 00:29:19.680 --> 00:29:26.319 It was nice to get back into the Graven Town Pond and swim around a bit here with you. 00:29:26.559 --> 00:29:27.519 Hope you enjoyed it. 00:29:27.680 --> 00:29:29.039 I hope you're all doing okay. 00:29:29.200 --> 00:29:36.559 Um, anytime you have an idea for a podcast or you want to email me or talk to me, I'm at gravencanada at gmail.com. 00:29:36.960 --> 00:29:38.480 Love you all very much. 00:29:38.960 --> 00:29:41.920 Take care of yourself and keep being kind. 00:29:42.079 --> 00:29:43.680 I'll talk to you real soon.