TRANSKRIBEERI 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.240
Welcome to the Intentional Leaders Podcast.
00:00:02.319 --> 00:00:11.839
This podcast is where we give tips, tools, and ideas for leaders to be more confident, competent, focused, clear, and intentional.
00:00:12.080 --> 00:00:25.359
On today's episode, we're going to explore the intersection between the conflict and pressure situations you may find yourself in and the emotional agility to regulate how you want to show up.
00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:55.679
So three key things that you'll learn in this podcast today is one, a four-step process from moving from an automatic reaction to an intentional response, and then recognize those triggers and stories and patterns that quietly might take over when your stress is high, but also strengthen trust and psychological safety with your team by modeling emotional responsibility and emotional adulthood while not suppressing what you're feeling.
00:00:56.159 --> 00:00:58.079
Let's take a listen.
00:01:00.880 --> 00:01:07.519
Today I want to talk about the intersection of conflict, stress, and emotional agility.
00:01:07.680 --> 00:01:24.000
Now, I have covered all of these topics on podcasts before, but I want to bring them all together in a way to say what do we do in the moment when we're experiencing a conflict or a disconnect, and we want to manage our emotions on purpose.
00:01:24.239 --> 00:01:32.959
So the concept of emotional agility actually was coined by Susan David in her book, conveniently called Emotional Agility.
00:01:33.519 --> 00:01:43.519
But it is about the ability to experience your emotions without allowing them to automatically affect your behavior.
00:01:43.760 --> 00:01:47.519
So if you are a student of Victor Frankel et al.
00:01:47.680 --> 00:01:52.959
who was a Holocaust survivor who wrote Man's Search for Meaning, I think that's the name of it.
00:01:53.439 --> 00:01:58.480
But he talked about like between stimulus and response, we have a choice.
00:01:58.719 --> 00:02:05.280
And I think that choice is important to recognize in terms of how we navigate our emotional reactions.
00:02:05.439 --> 00:02:07.439
And he talks about response.
00:02:07.599 --> 00:02:09.759
And I consider a response a choice.
00:02:09.919 --> 00:02:15.199
I'm being deliberate and intentional versus being reactive to a situation.
00:02:15.360 --> 00:02:21.280
So if something happens, I get irritated, I get angry, and then I react in a way that doesn't build trust.
00:02:21.520 --> 00:02:25.919
So that difference between responsiveness and reactivity is huge.
00:02:26.080 --> 00:02:29.759
And in the middle of that lies emotional agility.
00:02:29.919 --> 00:02:32.080
And why is that important for you as a leader?
00:02:32.240 --> 00:02:34.960
Because one, you're your emotions are contagious.
00:02:35.199 --> 00:02:44.240
You have energy, and the more power you have, and I mean power dynamics, the more it is going to affect people around you in a good or not good way.
00:02:44.560 --> 00:02:47.840
And I remember, I think I've been thinking a lot about my career.
00:02:47.919 --> 00:02:52.319
I crossed paths with someone who I worked with many, many years ago as an outside consultant.
00:02:52.479 --> 00:02:58.400
And I remembered back to the days where I thought, ew, I wasn't not very emotionally agile.
00:02:58.479 --> 00:03:01.680
I don't even know like my emotions and how to manage them well.
00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:05.199
And I always look back on that as the dark times, the dark ages of Cindy Wetland.
00:03:05.439 --> 00:03:10.159
And like, oh, now I still can't always do it, but at least I'm cognizant of how important it is.
00:03:10.319 --> 00:03:15.120
Um, but I think when we get in that stress situation too, it narrows our perspectives, right?
00:03:15.199 --> 00:03:20.400
We don't see as much around us and we don't see the choices we could be making.
00:03:20.479 --> 00:03:28.319
Um, and the bummer is when we react in that moment, when we're reactive, people remember that, right?
00:03:28.400 --> 00:03:29.120
They remember it.
00:03:29.280 --> 00:03:32.240
They don't remember all the times we stayed calm and cool and collected.
00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:38.000
They remember the times we went off the handle or we flew off the handle or we didn't react in a way that was awesome.
00:03:38.240 --> 00:03:40.000
Those are the memorable things, right?
00:03:40.080 --> 00:03:40.960
That's the bummer.
00:03:41.120 --> 00:03:51.439
Um, and I think when our when the conditions around us are difficult, that's when leadership really becomes more authentic, right?
00:03:51.520 --> 00:03:54.479
Like there's pressure, there's stuff going on.
00:03:54.719 --> 00:03:58.159
How are you showing up when those conditions exist?
00:03:58.319 --> 00:04:00.319
That's important for all of us to know.
00:04:00.639 --> 00:04:06.800
So intentional responses create a lot of psychological safety, and that's what we wanted.
00:04:07.039 --> 00:04:10.800
So a couple weeks ago, this is true confession time.
00:04:10.960 --> 00:04:20.160
A couple weeks ago, I had a leadership experience that had been going on for a few months, and this was the culmination of that several month experience.
00:04:20.319 --> 00:04:36.000
And in between these classes, the um the teams were doing independent work, but in these last two classes, they had to work together as their self-directed work teams and do some additional work to officially graduate from the class.
00:04:36.240 --> 00:04:39.920
Well, that second to last day, we were doing two half days.
00:04:40.160 --> 00:04:47.439
Some people didn't show up, some people were late, some people were not on camera, some people were absent and didn't tell me they were not going to be there.
00:04:47.759 --> 00:04:51.519
And right away, I could feel my stress level going up.
00:04:51.759 --> 00:04:55.040
And right away, I got super agitated about it.
00:04:55.199 --> 00:05:01.199
And in that moment, I felt
Load full transcript
big emotions of like stress and irritation and frustration.
00:05:01.519 --> 00:05:04.560
And I uh and I felt it.
00:05:04.720 --> 00:05:05.839
All right, I felt it.
00:05:06.079 --> 00:05:16.639
And what I noticed is I was really trying to work through it simultaneously as experiencing it, which is very difficult, very difficult to do.
00:05:16.800 --> 00:05:26.720
Um, but I also learned a really important lesson that I could do a better job of preventing that situation from actually occurring to begin with.
00:05:27.040 --> 00:05:37.199
So I want to share a little bit of this reflection because I also want to talk about those moments when we're under stress or conflict.
00:05:37.360 --> 00:05:44.560
And again, I've done a lot of conflict uh podcasts and articles and blogs.
00:05:44.639 --> 00:05:48.079
Uh, conflict is a natural occurrence, right?
00:05:48.160 --> 00:05:49.600
We can't eliminate conflict.
00:05:49.839 --> 00:05:54.639
But when we understand where do we try to go when we're under conflict?
00:05:54.720 --> 00:06:03.680
And for any of you that have taken uh in many of my classes, we do the Thomas Kilman conflict assessment where you find out are you a fighter or flighter?
00:06:03.839 --> 00:06:14.000
Um, and typically I would be a flighter, but in that moment I went into fight mode because I I was there and I couldn't flight unless I like we're done for today.
00:06:14.160 --> 00:06:15.680
No, I couldn't do that in a class.
00:06:15.839 --> 00:06:17.279
But um, I went into fight mode.
00:06:17.360 --> 00:06:20.720
I could feel myself like, ah, I was upset about this.
00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:27.360
So the five conflict styles are if we're feeling less assertive and less cooperative, we can avoid or accommodate.
00:06:27.519 --> 00:06:29.199
We can also compromise.
00:06:29.360 --> 00:06:37.839
Um, and then the two most assertive are either compete, where I'm gonna tell you what we're gonna do, or be collaborative where we figure it out together.
00:06:38.160 --> 00:06:43.439
But those recognitions of our conflict style are important.
00:06:43.759 --> 00:06:46.720
And like I said, I typically would be a flighter.
00:06:46.959 --> 00:07:00.240
And then if that's not available to me, I'm probably gonna be a fighter, and not in a way that is collaborative, because that ability to regulate my emotions in the moment is still a journey for me.
00:07:00.560 --> 00:07:19.199
So, um, what happened in that moment is uh all that upsetness started coming out to the people in class, and that was not really appropriate for them to be a target of my reactivity because they were the ones that showed up, right?
00:07:19.759 --> 00:07:26.079
That's the irony, is like they weren't the people that weren't there or were late or whatever, they're actually there.
00:07:26.240 --> 00:07:30.079
I should have been like reinforcing the crap out of them for being there.
00:07:30.399 --> 00:07:33.120
But this was me navigating my emotions.
00:07:33.279 --> 00:07:38.000
So when you think about emotional agility, it's about the choices we're making in the moment.
00:07:38.160 --> 00:07:39.519
How in the world do we do that?
00:07:39.680 --> 00:07:41.680
And I want to give you four thoughts.
00:07:41.920 --> 00:07:51.600
When you're in that moment, when you feel that tension, that conflict, that problem that is occurring, and you start to feel yourself feeling the feels.
00:07:51.680 --> 00:07:55.839
And I was feeling frustration and upset and irritation and impatience.
00:07:57.199 --> 00:07:58.240
There's a lot of them.
00:07:58.639 --> 00:08:00.319
They weren't very positive.
00:08:00.399 --> 00:08:04.160
Um, is number one, notice before we're reacting.
00:08:04.480 --> 00:08:14.319
The number one important element of emotional agility is being is pausing and naming our emotion in that moment.
00:08:14.639 --> 00:08:15.759
And that's hard to do.
00:08:15.839 --> 00:08:22.560
It's hard for it, it was hard for me to do because at the time there were a lot of people in this class and I was trying to navigate through it.
00:08:22.879 --> 00:08:27.600
But in theory, if you can take that moment to feel it, right?
00:08:27.839 --> 00:08:33.039
Feel that emotion and feel and label it from emotional intelligence.
00:08:33.200 --> 00:08:34.399
We call that name it detainment.
00:08:34.559 --> 00:08:40.799
And I know I've talked about that before too, but you have to be able to name it in order to bring the emotional energy down.
00:08:41.120 --> 00:08:52.720
And so I was trying to process that, process what emotion I was feeling to bring the negative energy down so I could choose a better response because I felt myself getting very reactive.
00:08:52.879 --> 00:08:54.159
That is job one.
00:08:54.320 --> 00:08:58.960
If you can't name the emotion that you're having, it's very difficult to do something with it.
00:08:59.200 --> 00:09:05.440
But number two, separate the facts from the story that we're telling ourselves.
00:09:05.679 --> 00:09:13.360
So the story can sound like this always happens, the, you know, people don't care, blah, blah, blah.
00:09:13.519 --> 00:09:15.039
We can tell ourselves a lot.
00:09:15.279 --> 00:09:18.159
And our brain tells us a lot of stories.
00:09:18.399 --> 00:09:21.279
Our brain goes negative a lot.
00:09:21.600 --> 00:09:22.799
And why does it do that?
00:09:22.960 --> 00:09:25.519
It does that as a self-protective mechanism.
00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:27.039
It's a defense mechanism, right?
00:09:27.200 --> 00:09:30.000
We tell ourselves, like, oh, the world is a scary, horrible place.
00:09:30.159 --> 00:09:31.600
I'm doing the best I can.
00:09:31.840 --> 00:09:37.519
And we we do a lot of that storytelling because we fill in the blanks for things that we don't know, right?
00:09:37.679 --> 00:09:40.559
We don't know all the information, so we tell ourselves a story.
00:09:40.639 --> 00:09:42.720
And then our brain is like, okay, I got this.
00:09:42.799 --> 00:09:44.399
Now I know what's going on.
00:09:44.559 --> 00:09:46.879
But that is not true, right?
00:09:47.279 --> 00:09:51.679
So in my story, what I had to separate was what were the facts?
00:09:51.840 --> 00:09:53.519
Okay, there were a couple people that were late.
00:09:53.679 --> 00:09:57.360
There are a couple people who didn't have the camera on, there are a couple people that were absent.
00:09:57.600 --> 00:10:02.320
And out of those people that were absent, some communicated and some did not.
00:10:02.559 --> 00:10:04.320
All right, those are the facts.
00:10:04.480 --> 00:10:08.159
Like, do I have to be all dramatic about it when I look at the facts?
00:10:08.559 --> 00:10:08.879
No.
00:10:09.519 --> 00:10:18.960
But separating that story and telling our brain to like simmer down, like, here's the real scoop brain, we almost have to go through that process.
00:10:19.200 --> 00:10:22.159
So, number one is notice before we react.
00:10:22.320 --> 00:10:27.039
That choice and that space that Victor Frankel talked about is essential.
00:10:27.279 --> 00:10:32.000
Then we got to clean up our brain and all the stories it's telling us that are not true.
00:10:32.159 --> 00:10:36.000
And then get really number three is getting curious about the emotion.
00:10:36.320 --> 00:10:40.240
My emotion was frustration and irritation on the surface.
00:10:40.480 --> 00:10:43.840
But when I really thought more about it, that wasn't really it.
00:10:43.919 --> 00:10:46.320
It wasn't people not following the rules or not really.
00:10:46.480 --> 00:11:07.120
What I was really upset about were was this experience in the last two days of this experience, those people who did not attend or who were late or who not actively engaged in the training, it mattered to their teams that they were on, that they were going to be doing work in these last two days together.
00:11:07.360 --> 00:11:14.240
So if I didn't show up or I was late or I wasn't engaged, it was gonna affect other people on my team.
00:11:14.480 --> 00:11:26.240
And that's where I really understood the upsetness is okay, I people are having an impact on other people in their teams.
00:11:26.480 --> 00:11:27.200
Do they know that?
00:11:27.360 --> 00:11:29.279
Are they taking ownership over that?
00:11:29.600 --> 00:11:31.919
And that was the emotion.
00:11:32.080 --> 00:11:34.159
I was upset because of that.
00:11:34.480 --> 00:11:48.399
And and then I what was interesting about that is so the folks that were there and in attendance, they had to do some more heavy lifting for the people who weren't there.
00:11:49.840 --> 00:11:54.799
The the response that I could have chosen, and I got there.
00:11:55.120 --> 00:11:56.159
Thankfully, I got there.
00:11:56.320 --> 00:12:03.759
I hope I got there, but the in the moment, I was not being supportive of the people who were there, I was being resentful of the people who weren't there.
00:12:04.080 --> 00:12:08.399
Whereas, like what was really upsetting me was their experience.
00:12:08.559 --> 00:12:15.519
And so I was inadvertently contributing to the stress of how I was reacting in the moment.
00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:45.120
And when I got through that day and really thought about it, it was a powerful, it was a powerful thought process to go through to realize that my reactive self was actually going against what I really wanted to accomplish, and my true intention was to demonstrate empathy and compassion and focus and confidence for the people who were there, right?
00:12:45.919 --> 00:12:52.240
But I wasn't in the moment doing that, I was too irritated and upset.
00:12:52.480 --> 00:13:11.200
Um, so all of this cool was recorded, and I thought someday a more healthy, open version of Cindy might go through that video and actually watch myself because I was really curious, like, how did I show up?
00:13:11.360 --> 00:13:13.279
There was a lot of voices in my head.
00:13:13.360 --> 00:13:18.639
I don't know how I showed up as externally, as much turmoil as I had internally.
00:13:18.799 --> 00:13:25.039
What I do know is that I started out stressed and talking fast and being kind of agitated.
00:13:25.200 --> 00:13:30.720
And then I I felt myself being able to relax when I realized, like, what do I need to do here?
00:13:30.960 --> 00:13:37.759
And that is step number four in emotional agility is choosing the behavior relative to your intention.
00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:39.440
What do you really want to do?
00:13:39.600 --> 00:13:39.759
Right?
00:13:39.919 --> 00:13:42.159
Like, what is what is my purpose?
00:13:42.399 --> 00:13:48.799
My purpose is to be there for the people who are there and create the best experience and the best learning environment I can.
00:13:49.039 --> 00:13:54.639
And so that had to be my focus, and that allowed me to choose different responses.
00:13:54.960 --> 00:14:04.320
So I think if I want to be supportive in the moment, the ability to process all of that for all of us is very difficult.
00:14:04.480 --> 00:14:10.320
Um, and until we're aware of those behaviors, it's also hard to make a choice to do something different.
00:14:10.720 --> 00:14:16.399
So emotional agility is a journey, it's a practice, right?
00:14:16.559 --> 00:14:20.960
It's kind of like people would always tell me years ago about yoga, it's a practice.
00:14:21.120 --> 00:14:22.879
You don't get good at it right away.
00:14:23.039 --> 00:14:28.799
You do it and then you get better at it because you're practicing, but you always have to bring yourself back to yourself.
00:14:28.960 --> 00:14:44.080
And the same with emotional agility and to be able, the the difference between reactivity and responsiveness means we have to come back to ourselves and be really grounded in what's going on for us and what we're feeling and the story that we're telling ourselves.
00:14:44.399 --> 00:14:47.600
But all of those things matter, right?
00:14:47.759 --> 00:14:52.320
That self-regulation allows the choices to
happen, right?
00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:58.080
If we suppress it, if in the moment I suppressed it, which is what I used to do many years ago.
00:14:58.240 --> 00:15:02.799
Well, I still maybe I still do, maybe I still do that sometimes a lot.
00:15:02.960 --> 00:15:07.840
But anyway, um, suppress it is suck it in, suck it up, compartmentalize it.
00:15:07.919 --> 00:15:13.519
I talk about this in emotional intelligence classes all the time because most people think they should control it, right?
00:15:13.679 --> 00:15:14.879
I need to control it.
00:15:15.039 --> 00:15:16.960
I need to zip it in, suck it up.
00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:24.159
And even when I think of the word control, my shoulders go up and I think, no, we're holding in that emotion.
00:15:24.320 --> 00:15:25.440
That is not healthy.
00:15:25.679 --> 00:15:30.799
Maybe short term, you think, okay, I gotta, I gotta hold it in till I can figure out what to do with it.
00:15:31.039 --> 00:15:36.080
But as a leader, when you're in front of people, how do you navigate that, right?
00:15:36.240 --> 00:15:37.840
Can you really control it?
00:15:38.080 --> 00:15:42.879
Because that control or suppression is still gonna come out.
00:15:43.120 --> 00:15:49.200
So we have to be thoughtful of the choices we're making in the here and now, and that's the tricky part.
00:15:49.519 --> 00:16:00.000
So here's what I want you to be thinking about as you navigate those difficult situations, those moments in time where you feel like, what is happening here?
00:16:00.159 --> 00:16:12.799
I'm in a staff meeting, I'm in a group meeting, I'm doing something, I'm doing a presentation, I'm just talking to my team, I'm talking to a coworker or my boss, and you feel that moment where you're just not where things aren't right.
00:16:12.960 --> 00:16:14.159
That's not what you expected.
00:16:14.320 --> 00:16:23.039
There's a gap between what you wanted to happen and what is, and then drop into that emotion without judging it.
00:16:23.200 --> 00:16:23.600
Right?
00:16:23.919 --> 00:16:27.679
We are we are wired to be angry and and mad and sad.
00:16:27.759 --> 00:16:42.159
We can react to all those things, but we have to figure out what is what is the feeling, what is it, and and then separate the facts from the story that we tell ourselves.
00:16:42.399 --> 00:16:54.960
And it's really easy to tell ourselves stories about people that we've known for a long time because we can we can say, well, historically this is the story, and then we drag that story into the future.
00:16:55.120 --> 00:16:56.960
That's not always true, right?
00:16:57.200 --> 00:17:02.879
So part of it is just separating that piece and then get below the emotion.
00:17:03.039 --> 00:17:17.440
And as I mentioned to me, it wasn't the irritation and the frustration with people who weren't there, it was the upsetness with the people who were there that they weren't gonna have as good of an experience as they should have or could have.
00:17:17.680
--> 00:17:25.119
That's what caused my upset was for them compassion for that experience and wanting them to have a good one.
00:17:25.359 --> 00:17:27.519
So you got to sometimes go below the surface.
00:17:27.680 --> 00:17:30.960
I've talked a lot um recently with people about fear.
00:17:31.119 --> 00:17:33.039
Uh, fear is an interesting emotion.
00:17:33.200 --> 00:17:38.640
A lot of the things that cause a stress or anxiety or overwhelm are actually fear in disguise.
00:17:38.720 --> 00:17:44.720
When we when we dig down into it, most of us don't say, Well, I'm afraid, I'm afraid of this, I'm afraid of that.
00:17:44.880 --> 00:17:46.160
Most people don't go around saying that.
00:17:46.319 --> 00:17:49.759
We say instead, I'm stressed, I'm overwhelmed, I'm anxious.
00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:52.799
But fear underlies a lot for us.
00:17:52.960 --> 00:17:57.519
So just think about that as you experience stress or overwhelm or anxiety.
00:17:57.599 --> 00:17:59.920
Is there any fear bubbling below the surface?
00:18:00.160 --> 00:18:03.920
And then the fourth one is choosing the behavior based on your intention.
00:18:04.240 --> 00:18:06.160
What do you really want to do?
00:18:06.480 --> 00:18:12.640
Reactivity tends to result in behaviors that erode trust, right?
00:18:12.720 --> 00:18:16.240
And create that unpredictability with us and others.
00:18:16.559 --> 00:18:22.720
Responsiveness tends to be the healthy choices that we make, the ones that we know, right?
00:18:22.960 --> 00:18:36.079
Breathing, active listening, getting curious, being open-minded, uh, understanding, compassion, all those beautiful things that we know we're supposed to do, but in the moment, they don't feel accessible to us.
00:18:36.319 --> 00:18:40.720
And we have to create the space to make them accessible to us.
00:18:40.960 --> 00:18:58.559
And if we could, um if we can really realize that emotional agility isn't about feeling less, it's not feeling less, it's creating the space between what is happening and how we're choosing to respond and making an intentional choice.
00:18:58.880 --> 00:19:02.319
And that is our power, right?
00:19:02.480 --> 00:19:06.240
That's our power as a human being, is the ability to decide.
00:19:06.400 --> 00:19:10.559
And that was a lot of Victor Frankel's message is we get that choice.
00:19:10.720 --> 00:19:16.480
But sometimes we feel like we don't have it, and we have to get back our power in order to do it.
00:19:16.720 --> 00:19:27.039
And I think one of the key things that is helpful for us as a leader is when we're able to do this, we're being a good role model for other people to do the same thing.
00:19:27.359 --> 00:19:37.039
We're not modeling being a victim of situations and stress and things that are outside of our control.
00:19:37.359 --> 00:20:03.759
What we're modeling is emotional adulthood, that we're going to take ownership over how we react and why, and that we're going to respond in ways that create trust, build our credibility, and help our teams feel better about the job they're doing, feel more confident, more competent, and they feel more trust in us to show up in a way that supports psychological safety.
00:20:03.920 --> 00:20:08.559
And I think that's the lesson is how do we do that intentionally?
00:20:09.039 --> 00:20:16.319
I mentioned in this podcast episode, Victor Frankel, his best known work is called Man's Search for Meaning.
00:20:16.480 --> 00:20:29.680
And it combines his surviving Nazi concentration camps with his belief that while we can't control our circumstances, we can retain the freedom to choose our response and find meaning in our life.
00:20:29.839 --> 00:20:32.640
And I think this is what this episode is all about.
00:20:32.960 --> 00:20:36.079
We are the only ones in the universe that can do this.
00:20:36.240 --> 00:20:54.720
And so emotional agility isn't about always being calm or never being frustrated or even pretending that bad things don't exist in our world and our feelings, but it means that we recognize that while we don't have control over those situations in the moment, we can take ownership over what we do next.
00:20:54.880 --> 00:20:56.960
And that is emotional adulthood.
00:20:57.119 --> 00:21:06.960
And when you practice that consistency consistently, what you'll do is give people around you the permission to understand and learn how to do the same.
00:21:07.279 --> 00:21:17.920
If this episode helped you create a little bit more space between those feelings and reacting, subscribe to the Intentional Leaders Podcast so you don't miss out on what's next.