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Welcome to the Strengthen Live Podcast! I'm your host, Andrea Urquhart. This is the place for trailblazing, empathetic leaders who are also recovering people pleasers! If you have a big heart and your passion is supporting others to change their lives for the better, find home and belonging here.
I thought long and hard about what to call today’s episode. I really wanted to call it Bossing Boundaries because that’s what we’re talking about – really taking ownership of our boundaries. If we don’t take ownership, they tend to leak – fairly quickly and maybe even just dissolve away completely. That’s if we even have any in place already.
The dilemma with Bossing Boundaries as a title was this: My audience of trailblazing empathetic leaders and recovering people pleasers often have a very conflicted relationship with boundaries.
I wonder what your relationship with boundaries is like?
That big old bear called Shame tends to patrol those boundaries, masquerading as “consideration for others” and "keeping an open door" or "keeping an open inbox" for those we’re committed to rescuing, serving and leading. I wasn’t sure you’d even open this episode and hear what I’d really like to share with you if I called it Bossing Boundaries! That’s why I lured you in with another big theme of today’s episode – compassion!
Boundaries can be really problematic for high-capacity empathetic leaders with struggle with their rescuer conscience. Have you got one of those?
Let’s face it, being available for others, helping others, being sought by others to help, and simply being a “good human” can feel good.
It can also be utterly draining. And that’s where Shame Bear loves to come in, roaring around – damning us if we do and damning us if we don’t.
That voice of: “If you cared, you do this or be available” when we choose a boundary, and equally “You’re too kind, too available to others” when we don’t patch those leaky holes or simply discard our boundaries altogether.
With my Bossing Boundaries title, I worried that this would directly conflict with my listeners natural instinct to be supportive and available to others. That self-questioning we do of not wanting to be bossy in anything but to help and support, and yet, if you want to survive and beat that emotional and physical boom and bust, changing your relationship with boundaries is a must.
Let me explain how I see this and how I help my clients own their boundaries and stay true to their empathetic values.
Firstly, understand what leaky boundaries actually do:
One of the first topics I raise with new clients in 1:1s or in groups is this one of Leaky Boundaries.
Now stay with me here! This isn’t about shaming – I know that boundary setting and boundary maintaining is truly tricky. Especially when caving in to please others is a lifelong habit so far.
But boundary building is one of the first places to start when we’re nurturing our emotional strengths and defending our wellbeing.
Now whilst the power of “yet”
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is truly awesome in growth mindset and making progress, the power of a well-executed and graciously firm “no” or “not yet” gives us the space to grow, reboot and rise again. We need both the power of yet and the power of "not yet" or even “never” in our lives.
Do you have boundaries you use to defend your own wellbeing? And if you do, are they leaky in any way?
Secondly, let’s reflect on what your idea of a boundary is anyway:
When you hear the word, do you feel constrained? Perhaps you had a strict upbringing or have been trained in a profession with very defined parameters. Maybe you’re a free spirited type person and the idea of boundaries feels confining to you?
Or do you think “ownership”? Or maybe even “failure” or "shame" because you can help others with their boundaries but yours are all over the floor and practically non-existent?
For me, it’s definitely about ownership. Ownership of my lane, my physical and spiritual energy, my body, my emotional energy, how I bring myself to relationships and how I prefer others to bring themselves to me in relationships, and so much more.
It’s also about freedom. Not just for me, but for you too. If you can reframe your relationship with boundaries, you’re gifting yourself a beautiful and nurturing kind of freedom.
A healthy boundary that we define and defend is really permission giving for us. Whilst it might cause others to brake to a halt or recoil, it provides us with the space we need as highly empathetic leaders and professionals to function optimally. That’s bringing out the best in us.
But our boundaries can be firm yet also compassionate. Compassion doesn’t have to mean leaky.
If you’re a regular listener or client, you’ll know by now that I’m invitational – it’s one of my functional values as I serve clients – that means I’m not about telling everyone exactly what I think they should do. I know that we are all unique. We share our humanity in common, there are many principles about human functioning that are common to us all BUT what works for you in any given moment or season is not necessarily what works for someone else. The application into your life, who you are and who you are becoming is personal.
That’s actually one of the central foundations of professional coaching. Any programmes should include personalised application. So, my coaching style is to broaden your perspective and invite you to think about your own experience, inner story and behavioural patterns – from there we can get personalising with what’s an effective next step for you.
I invite you today to think about boundaries as simply a beautiful piece of land in which you function best. In it, your energy is renewed, some of your most creative and inspiring thinking takes place, your body is refreshed, and you reboot so that you can be productive and bring your best self to the projects and relationships that you want to.
Imagine that piece of land not as a boring, square field with your name and energy on it.
Think of it as a rich landscape with mountains and forests, streams and a safe place to live, rest and even have fun.
Now, you might be thinking – “But all that land that is me, isn’t something I want to keep to myself all the time. I’m empathetic, I’m a leader of people, I want to give of myself too in my work and relationships. That’s why boundaries are so hard and don’t work for me!”
Listen, I’m going to say something you may not have heard before:
Too many people think of boundaries as a line people may or may not cross.
But what if we think of them as a sturdy fence around the beautiful landscape of our strengths, capacity and wellbeing into which we build intentional gates?
If your boundaries are leaking all the time and you know it, it’s time to build a sturdy fence and put gates in it.
Think on that for a moment. You are allowed to have a sturdy boundary and you are also allowed to decide when you step through it and when others are allowed to step through it!
That is bossing boundaries.
And for empathetic, big-hearted people like ourselves, when we focus on those gateways, we’re introducing compassion into our boundary bossing. Think of these as gates of compassion. And you know what, that old bear Shame really hates compassion – it’s a real recoil rocket for Shame.
Those gates of compassion that we build into our boundaries are where our non-negotiables and negotiables are. They don’t collide there. They're held there. Because you can have negotiables and non-negotiables in your boundaries.
Here’s another reflection: Boundaries are personal to you.
That’s why you need to own them, to be the boundary boss in your own life.
There is no single, generic way to do them or enforce them but there is a lot of wisdom out there from people about how they nurture and defend their boundaries. Being open to suggestions from others can help us find our own groove in this.
I’m not keen on hearing people say “I know I should…” about boundaries - it’s a little red flag to me that Shame bear is hanging around.
I much prefer an “I really want to have this boundary, but I also feel like this…”. That’s beautiful honesty and it’s helps us create the boundary fence and also the gates of compassion.
“I know I should…” is often about an external pressure we feel to do boundaries in a particular way. It’s tough to defend a personal boundary on someone else’s shoulds – there’s an open door to shame and feeling like a failure right there! So, let’s close that one and look for doors and open gateways that we can hang our “I really want to…” label on.
This is how we personalise our boundaries: We reflect on what we want to add to, defend or increase in our lives and we get really clear on what we want to build or create in that. Notice there’s not a boundary in sight yet in that kind of reflection!
So let's think on that: What do you really want to build in your life, to defend and to increase?
It could be more time to reboot and recharge.
It might be not
feeling disappointed with ourselves for abandoning ourselves once again to please other people’s expectations.
It may be career or client related and we feel that we’re simply too empathetic and too kind and find ourselves in a behavioural loop of being taken advantage of – or maybe even being very complicit in that ourselves too.
We personalise by asking: What do I want? This helps us define that stunning landscape we’re going to build a boundary around. A boundary that gives us the security and freedom we need. Safety to heal when that’s what we need. Space to refresh, create and produce.
Secondly, once we know what we want and we what we personally need protected in our land, let’s notice what the invaders are:
What or who continually invades that land we’re trying to nurture and defend?
So, if you really need 8 hours sleep, or if you can only get that book written without distraction, then what are the invaders that keep preventing those from happening?
If you need to extract yourself from a toxic relationship, or if you know you have backed yourself into a draining corner of being too available or too busy, what’s creating the breaks or leaks in your boundary?
It's great to identify these things and they really help us to know what boundaries we need to put in place.
But we live in the real world, right? So yes, to building a firm boundary fence that doesn’t let those invaders in and at the same time, let’s be real:
It’s not possible to 100% all the time prevent a boundary breakdown. That’s when something comes in to invade or rock the sanctuary we’ve been creating.
And these aren’t necessarily people who we want to keep out, it’s usually their behaviour. Sometimes our boundary is created to keep specific people out too, but usually, we just want to have more ownership of how we allow them to be with us or relate with us – and when.
We have responsibilities, there are people we love in this world and there are unpredictable emergences. So, to work with realistic boundaries, it helps to get clear on a couple of things:
- When is it okay for this boundary to be interrupted?
- How do we ensure we’re flexible for permitted incursions yet still maintain the general boundary?
I think of this as creating gates of compassion. We don’t want our boundary line broken down and disrespected but if we create clear gateways, both we and others can use them.
Here’s a very practical example:
We might teach a child not to raise their voice at us. That’s a boundary. But we’ll also teach them it’s okay to do so if they’re in danger or need an adult’s help fast. That’s a compassionate gate.
Then of course we’ll have to teach them what raising your voice for danger sounds like: "Try to use words as soon as you can rather than scream" we might say.
But we know that in some circumstances, they won’t be able to help but scream. And that’s okay. That gate was open. We’d prefer them to go through it a certain way, but there are times when they can
simply run through it to us.
That is bossing our boundaries. Notice that to do so, we also become teachers. Teachers and gatekeepers. Letting others know what’s okay for us and when.
This isn’t being narcissistic, it’s protective. Remember, we’re defending our wellbeing and optimum functioning.
Here’s another example:
We may have a person who is always leaning on us to do a specific thing for them but really, we don’t have the time to keep doing that. We need to spend more of our time doing something else because they are not our only priority.
So, we ask ourselves: Do we want to put up a full boundary or do we want to create a gateway? And what does that gateway look like?
Perhaps it’s saying: I am happy to help you, but I also have other things I need to give my attention to right now. If you can make a start on it, I can help you in x,y,z way on this specific day.
Or perhaps we’ll decide that our gateway is just for advice now for that person: "I think you can give this a go yourself" we might say, "I’m happy to answer any questions or give feedback though."
And for those of you who have very leaky boundaries around when someone pays you or not, which we mentioned last week, compassionate gateways could be a really great way to think about this for you.
You get to decide the gates you create in your boundaries.
With charging, for example, you might set up a notice on your compassionate gateway. There might be a donation box for pro bono work. There might be a half-price and full price option you trust people to honestly choose at the gate.
Whatever compassionate gates you create in your boundaries, know that you also have to enforce them. And if you’re familiar with living in the countryside, you’ll know that we don’t keep gates open. We only open them for entrance and exit, and then we close them again.
Now, on to our third area of reflection:
What are we going to do with the shame we feel around setting and defending boundaries?
Shame is a big word but it’s actually the big emotion that sits very firmly at the root of most of our struggles with boundary setting. The shame we fear if we set one, the shame we fear about how others might react to us. The shame we fear if we don’t set one.
It’s like this big old bear just sitting there on our boundary line making us afraid to actually set it up and stick to it. Meanwhile, it’s sharp claws are picking holes in our boundaries too.
You know how else Shame gets some of us? By telling us we’re not worth setting boundaries for. By telling us this insidious lie that pleasing others is what gives us value and worth. By telling us we just can’t and to give up on them – "And anyway, you’re a rescuer, you’re a people person, you’re an empath, just keep on rolling with that because if you stop any of those you aren’t being true to yourself!"
Does that inner push and pull sound familiar? How dare Shame shame us in our areas of strength?!
Empathy and compassion are always key antidotes to shame. It’s
so ironic that highly empathetic people often struggle with shame though!
This is why I believe that gates of compassion are so key for bossing boundaries.
And it’s amazing how useful they can be. We’re so used to a24/7 society and social media that it’s easy to feel like we have to be 24/7 rescuing (we'll talk more about that another time!), leading, and peopling.
I recently phoned somewhere at lunchtime, and they had an out of office voicemail on. They’re closed between 1 and 2pm and that was that. I had to readjust my schedule to theirs. And guess what? I did!
When you put a boundary in place, people will readjust. Especially if they know there’s a gate and what time it opens.
And what about the things we don’t want in our lives anymore – and perhaps you also have one or two people you don’t want on your land either?
Well, gates help here too because we simply don’t open them to those things or people that we don't want in our space. You might wander down to the gate and have a quick conversation if needed – especially with an ex you still have to have some contact for a very specific reason or a habit you’ve walked away from. You can stand at that gate and look out onto the thing you no longer want in your life, and you can turn around and look at the beauty of the land you’ve been nurturing and defending:
That energy, that creativity, that safe place for you and that sanctuary that you totally have the choice when and where you share it with others. We're talking about your energy, your skills, your capacity and your wellbeing.
Today, I invite you to check your boundary lines. To protect your wellbeing investment in yourself. To dare to define and design what you really want your life to look like and to name sections of that; that boundary fence you want to build.
And for the things where you feel a push and pull, consider building a compassionate gate. Give it a name, define any signage for it – those phrases you’re going to use to let people know if and when the gate will open to them.
And you know what? Over time, people will respect those. But, as always, the person who has to respect them first is us. We have to own them: Bossing our own boundaries, fixing leaks and opening compassion gateways when we want to. Those gates of compassion that we define – because none of us want that big old bear of Shame hanging around!
You know, you’re allowed to have boundaries. You’re allowed to own them. You’re allowed to define them. And you’re allowed to create gates in them as well.
Notice other people’s boundaries this week:
When has someone said: “Not now”, “Not yet” or “No” to you or others? How did they do that? What effect did it have?
Can you create firm boundaries with gates that communicate compassion to others and hold your wellbeing and emotional health with self-compassion and strength too?
Please also know that many people really find boundaries very difficult to create and maintain. If you’re one of them, you’re not alone.
Defining our boundaries is not a one-time action, not for anybody – it’s definitely a journey that and a learning curve for most of us. Not only because of how each of us are as individuals, but also because our lives, relationships and circumstances are continually evolving. But just because boundaries can be tricky, it doesn’t mean that we can’t build them or learn to defend them with compassion and wisdom.
We’re all learning.
If you’re new here, I'm Andrea Urquhart, an Emotion & Positive Psychology coach specialising in confidence growth, inner story and defending your wellbeing so you can live unapologetically and grow your business or leadership your way and at your pace.
I'm privileged to be trusted to coach coaches and other wellbeing professionals who are usually, but not always, neuro-divergent. So, while you're pouring your life out for others, I'm holding space for you.
What's not to love about that?!
To work 1:1 with me or join my new weekly group coaching programme for neuro-divergent professional women, message me on LinkedIn or head to Strengthenlive.com to complete a Request A Callback form.
Have a great week and I’m looking forward to hearing how you get on with boundary bossing and your compassion gate creation and gatekeeping!
Thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to welcoming you next time!