Please Don't Commit Crimes: täielik transkriptsioon

Zodiac. 00:04:38.064 --> 00:04:44.035 Whereas, you know, like Hogwarts only has four houses and there's 12 in the Zodiac. 00:04:44.035 --> 00:04:47.605 But like Scorpios are kind of thought of. 00:04:47.694 --> 00:04:49.704 Maybe tell me if you don't agree. 00:04:50.365 --> 00:04:52.920 Scorpios are kind of thought of as like the Slitherin. 00:04:53.425 --> 00:04:55.345 I mean, I don't think that's incorrect. 00:04:56.154 --> 00:04:59.995 I mean other, there are other signs who are very capable of evil things. 00:05:00.024 --> 00:05:00.324 Oh, absolutely. 00:05:00.324 --> 00:05:02.035 But they hide it so much better. 00:05:02.274 --> 00:05:02.814 Yeah. 00:05:03.324 --> 00:05:04.584 Scorpios just kind of are like, 00:05:05.425 --> 00:05:07.134 yes, I am evil and I don't give a shit. 00:05:07.165 --> 00:05:08.425 I am, let me. 00:05:08.785 --> 00:05:11.214 Let me show you the ways yeah, 00:05:11.274 --> 00:05:11.634 yeah. 00:05:11.725 --> 00:05:16.470 Which is funny because I have a lot of Scorpios in my life. 00:05:18.410 --> 00:05:22.884 Uh, so Henley's an Aries with a Scorpio rising, but she also has a cancer moon. 00:05:23.365 --> 00:05:29.185 Your moon represents your feelings and cancers have every feeling ever and they have it really big, 00:05:29.334 --> 00:05:30.415 real big feelings. 00:05:30.595 --> 00:05:34.944 And so she has lots of feelings and they're very large 00:05:36.055 --> 00:05:37.464 and she's spicy about it. 00:05:37.675 --> 00:05:38.394 Yeah. 00:05:38.665 --> 00:05:41.605 And uh, she's a perfect combination of Justin and I. 00:05:41.605 --> 00:05:44.935 So I am an Aries with a Taurus rising and a cancer moon. 00:05:45.625 --> 00:05:49.615 Justin is a Scorpio with a cancer rising and a Pisces moon. 00:05:50.785 --> 00:05:51.355 Jesus. 00:05:51.535 --> 00:05:51.954 Yeah. 00:05:51.954 --> 00:06:03.144 So she is the perfect little combination of the both of us and the cancer rising is why Justin is not evil yet is a solid Scorpio, 00:06:03.384 --> 00:06:04.014 I would say. 00:06:04.014 --> 00:06:06.475 Justin has evil tendencies. 00:06:06.745 --> 00:06:07.345 Yes. 00:06:07.899 --> 00:06:08.199 Yes. 00:06:08.300 --> 00:06:09.860 They're, they're, they're mischievous. 00:06:09.980 --> 00:06:11.540 They're mischievous tendencies. 00:06:11.540 --> 00:06:11.750 Yes. 00:06:11.750 --> 00:06:12.050 It's not 00:06:12.050 --> 00:06:14.480 necessarily evil for Justin, but it's pop up. 00:06:14.480 --> 00:06:15.649 He can be diabolic. 00:06:15.709 --> 00:06:17.360 Yeah, he's like the diabolical. 00:06:17.389 --> 00:06:17.810 Yeah. 00:06:17.990 --> 00:06:19.579 He's, he's like, Dr. 00:06:19.579 --> 00:06:21.360 Finkelstein in, in Phinneas and Ferb. 00:06:21.379 --> 00:06:21.860 He's, 00:06:22.100 --> 00:06:22.639 there you go. 00:06:22.699 --> 00:06:24.529 Not actually gonna accomplish anything. 00:06:24.529 --> 00:06:25.100 There you go. 00:06:25.100 --> 00:06:25.279 Yeah. 00:06:25.279 --> 00:06:26.149 He has all the plans. 00:06:27.230 --> 00:06:27.839 Ha, ha ha. 00:06:28.129 --> 00:06:28.579 So, yeah. 00:06:29.029 --> 00:06:29.269 Yeah. 00:06:29.269 --> 00:06:32.180 No, he needs you to, to, to execute the plan. 00:06:32.629 --> 00:06:36.410 He'll try to come up with it, but it won't go further than that. 00:06:36.439 --> 00:06:36.860 No. 00:06:36.860 --> 00:06:37.225 Without your support. 00:06:37.225 --> 00:06:40.850 No, he, he uses me as like a, a, a compass. 00:06:42.050 --> 00:06:45.290 He's like, so I'm having this feeling and I'd really like to do it. 00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:49.910 Uh, and I'm like, well, that's interesting. 00:06:51.529 --> 00:06:59.540 How, how does knowing her signs, like, how does that help you parent her? 00:07:00.110 --> 00:07:01.079 How does that help you, like, engage? 00:07:01.079 --> 00:07:03.259 Well, first of all, it scares the shit out of me. 00:07:03.319 --> 00:07:03.920 I mean, that's fair. 00:07:04.204 --> 00:07:12.605 And second, I really do see her as a pretty good conglomeration of Justin and I. 00:07:13.024 --> 00:07:13.324 Yeah. 00:07:13.714 --> 00:07:18.334 Like temperament wise, she is pretty solidly both. 00:07:18.694 --> 00:07:19.084 Yeah. 00:07:20.345 --> 00:07:27.305 Um, which both throws Justin and me separately. 00:07:27.605 --> 00:07:27.935 Yeah. 00:07:28.384 --> 00:07:29.404 In different ways. 00:07:29.464 --> 00:07:29.975 Yeah. 00:07:30.545 --> 00:07:34.475 Because like when she's having this insane emotion that's just really big and kind of ragey. 00:07:34.625 --> 00:07:34.954 Yeah. 00:07:35.165 --> 00:07:36.605 I'm like, dude, I get you. 00:07:38.314 --> 00:07:43.685 But we do have to breathe through it because stabbing people is considered like at least assault. 00:07:43.985 --> 00:07:44.134 Yeah. 00:07:44.134 --> 00:07:45.334 It might even go up to murder. 00:07:45.754 --> 00:07:45.995 Right. 00:07:45.995 --> 00:07:47.024 It depends on where you stab them.. 00:07:47.225 --> 00:07:49.774 Um, yeah. 00:07:49.805 --> 00:07:54.064 Whereas Justin, when she gets ragey, he's just like, what is happening? 00:07:54.454 --> 00:07:55.144 Stopped. 00:07:55.144 --> 00:07:55.595 What? 00:07:58.595 --> 00:08:03.245 I don't know how we went from zero to 60, but we did so. 00:08:04.055 --> 00:08:10.745 And then I don't understand when she's being really mischievous, because I also just don't, I don't do that for several reasons. 00:08:10.834 --> 00:08:11.194 Yeah. 00:08:11.285 --> 00:08:11.615 But 00:08:12.574 --> 00:08:15.574 yeah, no, she's having spent quality time with her. 00:08:15.574 --> 00:08:19.055 She is a, a good balance of the two of you. 00:08:19.324 --> 00:08:19.774 Yeah. 00:08:20.285 --> 00:08:20.735 Yeah. 00:08:22.225 --> 00:08:22.704 Anywho. 00:08:24.214 --> 00:08:25.115 That's my child. 00:08:25.415 --> 00:08:26.435 That's your child. 00:08:26.944 --> 00:08:32.044 Um, your child is also very touch oriented. 00:08:32.794 --> 00:08:33.274 Hate it. 00:08:33.754 --> 00:08:34.205 Yeah. 00:08:34.585 --> 00:08:35.335 How do

you deal with that? 00:08:35.335 --> 00:08:38.125 Because you are not a touchy person? 00:08:38.154 --> 00:08:39.325 For several reasons. 00:08:39.325 --> 00:08:40.345 For several reasons. 00:08:40.345 --> 00:08:43.524 And like to the point where I don't usually hug you. 00:08:43.705 --> 00:08:48.085 When I see people, I'm like to greet them or like, I'm a hugger, but I'm like, I don't hug you. 00:08:48.745 --> 00:08:52.735 I always tell people that I will initiate a hug. 00:08:54.220 --> 00:08:55.419 If I want one. 00:08:55.424 --> 00:08:55.745 Mm-hmm. 00:08:55.855 --> 00:08:57.429 Like I will, I will ask you. 00:08:57.549 --> 00:08:57.970 Yes. 00:08:57.970 --> 00:08:58.840 And you have if I can 00:08:58.840 --> 00:08:59.230 have one. 00:08:59.620 --> 00:09:11.559 Um, and then if I see you are offering hugs, like as a goodbye or a hello and I don't want one, I will typically not fully remove myself from a situation, but like kind of remove myself enough that there is like a, 00:09:11.860 --> 00:09:12.684 you kind of Irish goodbye 00:09:12.705 --> 00:09:13.539 the imaginary wall. 00:09:13.570 --> 00:09:15.264 Yeah, There's like an imaginary wall there. 00:09:15.264 --> 00:09:15.325 Yeah. 00:09:15.325 --> 00:09:19.284 That everyone can kind of feel and see like, oh, you stepped away. 00:09:19.404 --> 00:09:19.855 Got it. 00:09:19.945 --> 00:09:20.245 Yeah. 00:09:20.575 --> 00:09:25.315 So how does, how does that,'cause Henley has been Henley 00:09:25.315 --> 00:09:27.355 out my butt for forever. 00:09:27.414 --> 00:09:28.044 For forever. 00:09:28.044 --> 00:09:29.394 Like she, she, she 00:09:29.394 --> 00:09:31.164 came out and then she wanted to go back in. 00:09:31.164 --> 00:09:31.404 I don't know. 00:09:31.404 --> 00:09:31.644 Yeah. 00:09:31.705 --> 00:09:36.355 She's just like attached to you much to your chagrin. 00:09:36.384 --> 00:09:41.934 But how much harder has that been as she's gotten older? 00:09:42.085 --> 00:09:46.825 When Justin is also a touch oriented person, 00:09:48.804 --> 00:09:50.904 it was easier when she was little. 00:09:52.000 --> 00:09:57.309 Because holding her was the primary method of caring for her. 00:09:57.315 --> 00:09:57.634 Right. 00:09:57.789 --> 00:10:00.220 I held her, when I nursed her, I held her. 00:10:00.250 --> 00:10:01.960 You know, we always, yes, we are. 00:10:01.960 --> 00:10:04.659 Those parents, we held her for her to go to bed because you know what? 00:10:04.659 --> 00:10:10.629 I am not letting my child scream for two hours at night because she can't sleep because she doesn't know how to regulate. 00:10:10.629 --> 00:10:13.690 At the age of six months old, that's not the time to learn. 00:10:13.720 --> 00:10:14.559 She's not ready. 00:10:14.620 --> 00:10:14.919 Yeah. 00:10:17.840 --> 00:10:18.559 It makes sense. 00:10:18.559 --> 00:10:22.820 You six months old, she's, she's still within the window. 00:10:23.210 --> 00:10:26.059 Like she's, she hasn't even been out as long as she was in 00:10:26.389 --> 00:10:26.840 No. 00:10:27.539 --> 00:10:45.419 She, she has existed for like, just over a year and most of that was like as a very small multicellular organism that is assumed to be a fetus, but isn't any who, um, 00:10:45.610 --> 00:10:48.509 Jenesa is a, uh, biology person. 00:10:48.884 --> 00:10:49.514 I am. 00:10:50.054 --> 00:10:51.044 So, yeah. 00:10:51.404 --> 00:10:52.154 Which I appreciate. 00:10:52.154 --> 00:10:58.664 I'm not, I'm not, I'm, no, I, I, like, I did chemistry, I like to blow shit up and light it on fire. 00:10:59.024 --> 00:10:59.865 That's not chemistry. 00:10:59.865 --> 00:11:01.004 That's thermodynamics. 00:11:01.164 --> 00:11:01.674 But okay. 00:11:02.215 --> 00:11:04.955 We did, we did some of, you're such a snot we did 00:11:06.715 --> 00:11:07.105 of love. 00:11:07.164 --> 00:11:08.215 It's part of chemistry. 00:11:08.215 --> 00:11:08.664 It's true. 00:11:08.664 --> 00:11:10.345 And that was my favorite part of chemistry. 00:11:10.615 --> 00:11:12.774 It's part, it's a very small part of chemistry. 00:11:12.774 --> 00:11:13.014 Very small. 00:11:13.014 --> 00:11:15.985 It's why I didn't really like chemistry all that much. 00:11:16.345 --> 00:11:16.855 It's hard. 00:11:17.004 --> 00:11:23.835 But so, so now that she is, is older and theoretically more independent, how is that going? 00:11:23.955 --> 00:11:27.975 Like, how does that, how has that shifted with the 00:11:27.975 --> 00:11:28.815 She's heavy. 00:11:29.054 --> 00:11:29.875 She is so heavy. 00:11:29.875 --> 00:11:31.245 She's also so bony. 00:11:31.725 --> 00:11:33.105 It's a strange combination. 00:11:33.110 --> 00:11:33.220 Um. 00:11:34.169 --> 00:11:36.330 She really hurts you with her elbows. 00:11:36.330 --> 00:11:40.799 Not on purpose, but like she's just climbing you like a jungle gym because that's what she do. 00:11:41.309 --> 00:11:42.809 And girl bony, 00:11:42.875 --> 00:11:43.825 she's so bony. 00:11:43.825 --> 00:11:47.669 I mean, she works out almost every day because she is so active. 00:11:47.730 --> 00:11:47.940 Yeah. 00:11:48.330 --> 00:12:04.799 And kid is muscly and bony and now that I have lost as much weight as I have, it hurts her bony head on my bony now shoulder, which I haven't seen a bone in my shoulder for a really long time, but like it hurts. 00:12:04.825 --> 00:12:16.250 So, um, there are definitely times where I need space and I have learned that it's because of my A DHD and I get overwhelmed. 00:12:16.610 --> 00:12:16.909 Yeah. 00:12:17.149 --> 00:12:21.200 And then I just start to have a panic attack or I get really cranky. 00:12:21.230 --> 00:12:23.299 'cause when I get overwhelmed I get really grumpy. 00:12:23.570 --> 00:12:25.070 So one of those two things happen. 00:12:25.220 --> 00:12:28.159 Both of those are not conducive to snuggling. 00:12:28.850 --> 00:12:29.659 That is true. 00:12:30.080 --> 00:12:35.330 That is, how do you, how do you talk to her about that? 00:12:35.330 --> 00:12:39.830 Like,

do you tell her mom is over stemmed or moms feeling overwhelmed? 00:12:39.980 --> 00:12:40.250 Yeah. 00:12:40.519 --> 00:12:41.899 She totally knows what that means. 00:12:42.019 --> 00:12:53.649 Um, and, at our house if, if something like that is happening, um, I, we, we say that mommy's brain is not allowing that right now. 00:12:54.370 --> 00:12:55.090 Oh, I like that. 00:12:55.240 --> 00:13:00.370 Um, because it really is something or other doing with my brain. 00:13:00.610 --> 00:13:00.669 Yeah. 00:13:00.674 --> 00:13:04.360 There is a chemical that isn't there or is there that shouldn't be there. 00:13:04.360 --> 00:13:07.870 Or should, yeah, something's not right. 00:13:09.639 --> 00:13:11.110 What did you just drop Lily? 00:13:11.649 --> 00:13:14.169 I'm gonna guess Lily had food in her cone. 00:13:14.529 --> 00:13:17.649 'cause there's a, a bowl of kibble over there. 00:13:17.649 --> 00:13:17.740 Mm-hmm. 00:13:18.100 --> 00:13:19.345 Sometimes it gets stuck. 00:13:19.809 --> 00:13:21.159 You had little tree keeper. 00:13:21.309 --> 00:13:21.759 Yeah. 00:13:22.600 --> 00:13:22.870 Great. 00:13:23.019 --> 00:13:23.259 Look at 00:13:23.259 --> 00:13:23.440 those 00:13:23.440 --> 00:13:23.769 eyes. 00:13:23.769 --> 00:13:24.370 She kind of wants 00:13:24.370 --> 00:13:24.759 to murder me. 00:13:24.759 --> 00:13:25.539 She's, yeah. 00:13:25.884 --> 00:13:26.065 Little 00:13:26.065 --> 00:13:26.245 bit. 00:13:26.245 --> 00:13:26.784 She mad. 00:13:27.294 --> 00:13:37.404 Um, so she's, she's understanding, she, she's, she makes me feel really guilty about it. 00:13:37.404 --> 00:13:44.784 Not maliciously, but she does this thing where when I'm like, Henley, I can't, right now, mommy's brain is not gonna allow that to happen. 00:13:44.784 --> 00:13:46.705 Like, I just can't do it. 00:13:46.794 --> 00:13:47.695 I can't handle that. 00:13:48.414 --> 00:13:52.705 And then she gets this like, really pouty face and she's like, okay, I'll just go over here. 00:13:52.855 --> 00:13:53.664 Oh my gosh. 00:13:53.725 --> 00:13:56.274 When she does that, I go, okay. 00:13:56.725 --> 00:13:58.735 Because she, she, she knows. 00:13:58.825 --> 00:13:59.875 She does know. 00:13:59.904 --> 00:14:00.534 She knows. 00:14:00.534 --> 00:14:04.434 But then, but then the part of me that's still a traumatized little child 00:14:04.524 --> 00:14:04.735 Yeah. 00:14:04.735 --> 00:14:05.904 Is like, don't do that. 00:14:06.264 --> 00:14:07.284 Don't be sad. 00:14:07.674 --> 00:14:08.095 Yeah. 00:14:08.455 --> 00:14:12.475 But also, I can't go, go talk to your dad. 00:14:12.475 --> 00:14:13.705 He loves to snuggle. 00:14:14.065 --> 00:14:15.384 He does love to snuggle. 00:14:15.534 --> 00:14:17.544 And then she's like, no, I don't want Dad, I want you. 00:14:17.544 --> 00:14:23.485 I'm like, why you two are supposed to just be there for each other and leave me alone? 00:14:24.575 --> 00:14:26.379 I thought this was gonna be perfect. 00:14:26.440 --> 00:14:27.129 It wasn't. 00:14:27.759 --> 00:14:28.210 No. 00:14:28.210 --> 00:14:30.429 The touchy people don't wanna touch each other. 00:14:30.610 --> 00:14:33.580 No, they don't wanna snuggle each other, 00:14:33.909 --> 00:14:34.509 which is so rude. 00:14:34.509 --> 00:14:36.039 They still wanna snuggle me. 00:14:38.139 --> 00:14:38.559 I hate it. 00:14:40.059 --> 00:14:43.000 Sometimes I like it, but sometimes I really don't. 00:14:43.179 --> 00:14:51.610 What do you, what do you tell yourself in those moments where you feel that little kid version of you like reacting to her? 00:14:51.850 --> 00:14:52.120 What do you 00:14:52.120 --> 00:14:53.139 to that specifically? 00:14:53.320 --> 00:14:58.090 Yeah, like to, when anytime you feel that coming out, when you're like engaging with Henley. 00:15:00.129 --> 00:15:01.269 It depends on what it's about. 00:15:02.200 --> 00:15:17.440 Um, in that specific situation, it makes me feel like I just need to go back on whatever I said and get over the fact that I don't, that my brain and my body are not in a place where I can handle that. 00:15:17.740 --> 00:15:19.570 Like my nervous system is not okay. 00:15:19.570 --> 00:15:19.580 Mm-hmm. 00:15:20.904 --> 00:15:25.075 And it makes me wanna just be like, you're gonna deal with it because she needs you. 00:15:26.695 --> 00:15:26.904 Yeah. 00:15:26.904 --> 00:15:29.365 So you've got both of those like at the same time. 00:15:29.394 --> 00:15:29.695 Yeah. 00:15:29.695 --> 00:15:32.605 And then I feel the really big mom guilt about it. 00:15:33.595 --> 00:15:50.184 And then I have to choose between enforcing the boundary I just made or going back on it hard so that she doesn't look hurt. 00:15:50.634 --> 00:15:51.024 Yeah. 00:15:52.345 --> 00:15:52.615 Yeah. 00:15:53.664 --> 00:15:58.644 How, how many times a day would you say you guys get some version of that? 00:15:59.245 --> 00:16:00.565 The, the feeling bad? 00:16:00.684 --> 00:16:01.134 Yeah. 00:16:02.215 --> 00:16:04.164 Or the, I'm going to be the sad. 00:16:04.164 --> 00:16:05.725 I'm gonna go over here then. 00:16:06.595 --> 00:16:07.225 It's a lot. 00:16:07.495 --> 00:16:07.975 Um, 00:16:07.975 --> 00:16:09.504 is it less since she's in school? 00:16:10.225 --> 00:16:10.764 I mean, yeah. 00:16:10.764 --> 00:16:11.934 It was less than over the summer. 00:16:13.254 --> 00:16:14.695 Got to the point over the summer where. 00:16:15.865 --> 00:16:19.404 I very frequently told people, you can take her. 00:16:19.404 --> 00:16:21.054 I'm gonna throw her in the garbage. 00:16:22.284 --> 00:16:22.644 Yeah. 00:16:22.705 --> 00:16:24.294 She still fits in the trash can. 00:16:24.759 --> 00:16:25.059 She does. 00:16:25.065 --> 00:16:27.205 She can head in there because I'm done. 00:16:27.475 --> 00:16:27.745 Yeah. 00:16:29.034 --> 00:16:31.884 She's just, she needs attention. 00:16:32.304 --> 00:16:32.514 Yeah. 00:16:32.725 --> 00:16:33.804 All of the time. 00:16:34.495 --> 00:16:35.514 Which is hilarious. 00:16:35.544 -->

00:16:38.634 'cause it's not like she's ever been deprived of attention. 00:16:38.634 --> 00:16:39.804 And I think that's why 00:16:39.924 --> 00:16:41.095 that could make sense. 00:16:41.754 --> 00:16:46.254 I, I don't know. 00:16:46.524 --> 00:16:54.174 I, I want her to, it's getting to the point now where it's like, okay, you are, you're almost six and a half. 00:16:54.325 --> 00:17:09.805 You shouldn't be playing by yourself all the time, but like when you get home from school and you've been with 25 to 30 kids all day, you, you should want to just not stop. 00:17:09.805 --> 00:17:10.375 Stop. 00:17:10.734 --> 00:17:11.035 Yeah. 00:17:12.535 --> 00:17:12.805 Yeah. 00:17:13.674 --> 00:17:14.724 But she, she doesn't, 00:17:16.404 --> 00:17:17.964 her social battery is, 00:17:18.744 --> 00:17:20.305 she's the energizer bunny. 00:17:20.484 --> 00:17:20.724 Yeah. 00:17:20.785 --> 00:17:21.924 Of the social battery. 00:17:22.134 --> 00:17:22.434 It's, 00:17:22.434 --> 00:17:23.095 that's fair. 00:17:23.454 --> 00:17:25.855 I, people call me an energizer bunny. 00:17:25.855 --> 00:17:29.125 They call, someone called me an energizer bunny at work a couple weeks ago and I'm like, 00:17:30.174 --> 00:17:31.285 they don't know you very well. 00:17:31.555 --> 00:17:33.204 I'm like, I just get my shit done. 00:17:33.595 --> 00:17:35.365 I don't think that makes me an energizer bunny. 00:17:35.365 --> 00:17:35.964 'cause I'm over here going, 00:17:35.964 --> 00:17:37.315 was this like on a call or something? 00:17:37.315 --> 00:17:38.515 Yeah, it was like a video call. 00:17:38.845 --> 00:17:41.244 Was it with people you could swear in front of? 00:17:42.355 --> 00:17:43.644 I mean, it probably could have. 00:17:44.335 --> 00:17:44.815 I didn't, 00:17:44.815 --> 00:17:47.755 if I felt comfortable swearing, I would've said like, bitch where, 00:17:49.434 --> 00:17:54.849 I mean this was like my supervisor, our manager, and like department probably can't 00:17:54.849 --> 00:17:55.049 do that. 00:17:55.240 --> 00:17:55.529 Yeah. 00:17:55.750 --> 00:17:55.970 No. 00:17:56.190 --> 00:17:56.410 But 00:17:56.414 --> 00:17:58.974 like at my work where we're all just kind of friends, I've been like, bitch, 00:17:58.974 --> 00:18:00.085 where that's true. 00:18:00.085 --> 00:18:03.484 Like it was nice to get that recognition of yes, we see the work you're doing. 00:18:04.599 --> 00:18:05.619 You energize your bunny. 00:18:05.619 --> 00:18:06.519 You, and I'm going, 00:18:07.839 --> 00:18:10.210 I'm glad you think I'm energetic because I'm dying. 00:18:10.214 --> 00:18:10.315 I'm, 00:18:10.509 --> 00:18:12.009 I'm going to go take a nap. 00:18:12.009 --> 00:18:14.259 Do I can't do that anymore. 00:18:14.589 --> 00:18:16.509 Uh, I do that on my lunch break sometimes. 00:18:16.555 --> 00:18:16.875 I don't know. 00:18:16.875 --> 00:18:16.894 I can't. 00:18:16.894 --> 00:18:20.859 Well, I did until I have an internship that I do on my lunch break. 00:18:21.130 --> 00:18:21.339 Yeah. 00:18:22.720 --> 00:18:25.839 I used to be able to, but now I'm properly medicated. 00:18:26.769 --> 00:18:27.549 Yeah. 00:18:28.634 --> 00:18:31.630 Like, I want to go to sleep to escape everything. 00:18:31.839 --> 00:18:37.329 What was, what was that transition like going from like the, your big med shift? 00:18:37.329 --> 00:18:39.369 'cause you've, if you're comfortable talking about it, I'm 00:18:39.369 --> 00:18:39.670 cool. 00:18:40.089 --> 00:18:48.250 Um,'cause you've had a pretty significant that's, that's, that's like downplaying it. 00:18:48.430 --> 00:18:52.599 You've had a big fucking shift in your meds in the last 00:18:52.690 --> 00:18:54.789 Yeah, because I started seeing a year. 00:18:55.720 --> 00:18:56.230 Yeah. 00:18:56.259 --> 00:18:58.299 I, I have a, 00:19:00.789 --> 00:19:03.220 I have A-P-M-H-N-P. 00:19:04.720 --> 00:19:08.859 Psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner, for those of you who don't speak Alphabet. 00:19:09.369 --> 00:19:16.240 Um, instead of, so that is the person that is now taking care of my mental health medication needs. 00:19:17.470 --> 00:19:24.250 Before it was my primary care physician who I recently dumped because I am, 00:19:26.109 --> 00:19:27.789 she fired him real hard. 00:19:28.210 --> 00:19:29.470 I, and he deserved it. 00:19:29.740 --> 00:19:31.960 He didn't listen to me. 00:19:33.250 --> 00:19:34.269 Yeah, that's a problem. 00:19:35.319 --> 00:19:42.279 And I don't know everything, and I can fully admit that, but I do know my body better than pretty much anybody. 00:19:42.279 --> 00:19:45.250 So when I tell you things, you need to listen. 00:19:48.009 --> 00:19:52.839 And so I fired him and I got specialists for basically everything. 00:19:53.650 --> 00:19:53.859 Yeah. 00:19:54.220 --> 00:19:57.160 Um, and one of them was for psychiatric meds. 00:19:57.549 --> 00:20:03.039 Um, and I had been diagnosed with. 00:20:03.519 --> 00:20:11.079 Bipolar two, which you can expound on because I still don't understand it. 00:20:11.650 --> 00:20:12.160 That's okay. 00:20:12.819 --> 00:20:13.630 Like, I'm fine. 00:20:13.630 --> 00:20:14.109 Don't want it. 00:20:14.109 --> 00:20:14.259 I'm 00:20:14.259 --> 00:20:14.559 fine. 00:20:14.559 --> 00:20:15.190 No, we're good. 00:20:15.430 --> 00:20:15.819 I'll go. 00:20:15.940 --> 00:20:17.079 Here's the, here's what we'll do. 00:20:17.230 --> 00:20:20.859 I'll go back later and I'll record an insert right here. 00:20:22.329 --> 00:20:22.569 Boom. 00:20:22.750 --> 00:20:23.019 Okay. 00:20:23.500 --> 00:20:23.799 Okay, 00:20:24.640 --> 00:20:25.089 we're back. 00:20:25.089 --> 00:20:26.049 We're back. 00:20:26.680 --> 00:20:38.140 Um, so I was diagnosed with bipolar two and then after having Henley Oh, I was put on Seroquel. 00:20:38.319 --> 00:20:40.569 Seroquel is a tranquilizer. 00:20:41.109 --> 00:20:41.289 Yeah, 00:20:41.515 --> 00:20:41.894 it is. 00:20:44.410 --> 00:20:45.400 It is for mania. 00:20:45.579 --> 00:20:48.605 It is for,

yeah. 00:20:48.609 --> 00:20:48.700 Yeah. 00:20:49.420 --> 00:20:59.319 So I had been on that from 2013 until 2024. 00:20:59.755 --> 00:21:03.954 So pretty much actually the whole time that we've known each other. 00:21:04.075 --> 00:21:04.585 Yes. 00:21:04.644 --> 00:21:05.664 You were on Seroquel? 00:21:05.785 --> 00:21:05.964 Yes. 00:21:06.325 --> 00:21:06.505 Yeah. 00:21:07.315 --> 00:21:12.865 Um, and I was a zombie. 00:21:13.674 --> 00:21:15.384 I could sleep anytime. 00:21:16.224 --> 00:21:18.025 I was constantly depressed. 00:21:18.505 --> 00:21:27.025 Um, my anxiety just kept building and getting better because I couldn't feel it until it was like a pressure cooker up to the point where it was just like, 00:21:27.835 --> 00:21:28.075 yeah. 00:21:29.005 --> 00:21:32.224 Um, So you had an, an 00:21:32.224 --> 00:21:33.484 anxiety explosion? 00:21:33.545 --> 00:21:34.085 I did. 00:21:34.085 --> 00:21:41.075 I kept having anxiety explosions and I was told by my therapist who I, I actually think was like a counselor. 00:21:41.164 --> 00:21:41.194 Okay. 00:21:41.795 --> 00:21:44.194 Because she was not able to diagnose or prescribe. 00:21:44.974 --> 00:21:47.194 So it may have more been like a counselor situation. 00:21:47.194 --> 00:21:47.795 I don't really know. 00:21:47.795 --> 00:21:48.095 Yeah, maybe. 00:21:48.694 --> 00:21:50.134 Um, I didn't question it. 00:21:50.134 --> 00:21:50.734 She helped me. 00:21:51.305 --> 00:21:58.414 Um, but she was like, you should go see this person who's like two doors down from my office. 00:21:58.684 --> 00:22:04.414 Make an appointment with him and you should just, you should go do that and I'll pass along my notes because we're all in the same practice. 00:22:05.075 --> 00:22:07.474 Um, just, you know, just give me permission to do that. 00:22:07.474 --> 00:22:08.015 I'm like, great. 00:22:08.015 --> 00:22:08.525 I love it. 00:22:08.585 --> 00:22:12.305 I love not having to brief people on all of my crap. 00:22:12.545 --> 00:22:13.325 Everything. 00:22:13.384 --> 00:22:13.654 Yeah. 00:22:14.345 --> 00:22:24.545 Um, so did that, went to him and he was like, yeah, you do not have bipolar at all, so we're gonna get you off that Seroquel right now. 00:22:25.535 --> 00:22:29.164 So 11 years of misdiagnosis and mis medication. 00:22:29.194 --> 00:22:29.615 Yes. 00:22:31.355 --> 00:22:35.134 Um, and then he was like, okay, why did you go on that? 00:22:35.134 --> 00:22:40.265 And I told him my symptoms and he's like, that sounds to me a lot like. 00:22:40.894 --> 00:22:42.664 You were misdiagnosed. 00:22:43.025 --> 00:22:53.434 Like a lot of women were in the 2010s, uh, because they had adult, they were women with adult A DHD. 00:22:54.335 --> 00:22:55.174 Oh, yeah. 00:22:56.134 --> 00:22:57.994 And I was like, okay. 00:22:57.994 --> 00:22:59.525 But it didn't get really bad. 00:23:00.065 --> 00:23:07.265 Like the reason I'm seeking it out now is because in 2019 I had a child and I feel like I'm going crazy.

00:23:07.625 --> 00:23:07.805 Yeah. 00:23:07.805 --> 00:23:09.125 I can't remember anything. 00:23:09.575 --> 00:23:13.384 I can't, I can't focus, I can't do anything. 00:23:13.384 --> 00:23:15.724 I feel like I've straight up lost my mind. 00:23:16.295 --> 00:23:20.255 And he's like, mark things on this piece of paper. 00:23:21.545 --> 00:23:27.005 And he gave me a little quiz, which I'm used to taking anyway from my anxiety and depression. 00:23:27.424 --> 00:23:28.204 PHQ 00:23:28.204 --> 00:23:29.015 and the gad. 00:23:29.315 --> 00:23:30.035 Is it GAD seven, 00:23:30.365 --> 00:23:31.444 PHQ nine, and the GAD seven? 00:23:31.505 --> 00:23:32.289 Yeah, that's what it's Yeah. 00:23:32.295 --> 00:23:34.625 I take those every three months. 00:23:34.714 --> 00:23:34.954 Yep. 00:23:35.255 --> 00:23:35.525 Yep. 00:23:36.335 --> 00:23:38.765 Um, and, uh. 00:23:40.444 --> 00:23:43.835 My, my PHQ nine was the highest it could be. 00:23:44.075 --> 00:23:44.194 Oh yeah. 00:23:44.194 --> 00:23:44.704 At that point. 00:23:44.704 --> 00:23:44.884 Yeah. 00:23:45.275 --> 00:23:48.515 Um, and my depression was not great. 00:23:49.924 --> 00:23:53.404 Um, and oh my God, I had a DHD. 00:23:54.755 --> 00:23:55.009 What, what? 00:23:56.765 --> 00:24:09.605 Um, so we had to do a lot of slow med changes because it was, I mean, it was 13 years of meds. 00:24:09.845 --> 00:24:10.174 Yeah. 00:24:10.924 --> 00:24:12.454 That was like in your system? 00:24:12.575 --> 00:24:13.025 Yeah. 00:24:13.085 --> 00:24:14.464 Or like yeah, 13 years. 00:24:14.464 --> 00:24:14.644 How 00:24:14.644 --> 00:24:15.005 long? 00:24:15.005 --> 00:24:15.694 I don't remember. 00:24:15.694 --> 00:24:19.984 How long was the transition before you were like actually off the Seroquel? 00:24:21.545 --> 00:24:22.115 Um, 00:24:23.194 --> 00:24:29.404 I, I got switched from,'cause we, we talked about why I was put on the Seroquel in the first place. 00:24:29.464 --> 00:24:29.825 Right. 00:24:29.974 --> 00:24:33.994 Um, and it was because I have a hard time with mood stabilization. 00:24:34.115 --> 00:24:38.644 So because I have a hard time with mood stabilization, the male doctor. 00:24:38.974 --> 00:24:41.765 Who didn't really care was like, Ugh, then you're bipolar. 00:24:41.765 --> 00:24:41.825 Ugh. 00:24:43.744 --> 00:24:47.494 No, it's because I have a hard time stabilizing my moods. 00:24:48.904 --> 00:24:48.994 Yeah. 00:24:49.025 --> 00:24:50.855 Because I have depression and anxiety. 00:24:50.855 --> 00:24:53.075 And a DHD, sir. 00:24:53.740 --> 00:24:54.305 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:24:54.335 --> 00:24:57.214 Anyway, I can't thank God for specialists. 00:24:57.214 --> 00:25:01.805 I, I mean, I, this is probably me making excuses for him. 00:25:02.494 --> 00:25:07.775 I try not to judge him too hard on the mental health aspect things, because those are, that's like a niche thing. 00:25:08.464 --> 00:25:12.154 And if you don't have a lot of training in that, yeah. 00:25:12.154 --> 00:25:13.565 You

are gonna misdiagnose things. 00:25:13.625 --> 00:25:17.704 And I feel like primary care physicians think they know things. 00:25:17.704 --> 00:25:19.565 'cause they had to take like a psych class. 00:25:21.545 --> 00:25:23.494 I mean, yeah, that would make sense. 00:25:23.525 --> 00:25:26.345 But it's so much deeper than that. 00:25:26.434 --> 00:25:29.759 Well, and I think it, it depends on the, the doctor too, like. 00:25:30.365 --> 00:25:34.714 Like my, my PCP is like, how's your depression? 00:25:34.714 --> 00:25:35.555 How's your anxiety? 00:25:35.555 --> 00:25:36.605 Do I need a refill? 00:25:36.605 --> 00:25:37.204 Any of your meds? 00:25:37.384 --> 00:25:39.515 Are you still seeing your prescriber? 00:25:40.174 --> 00:25:40.984 How's that going? 00:25:40.984 --> 00:25:42.154 I'm like, it's great. 00:25:42.154 --> 00:25:43.115 He's like, cool. 00:25:43.115 --> 00:25:44.464 If you need anything, let me know. 00:25:44.914 --> 00:25:45.065 Yeah. 00:25:45.065 --> 00:25:46.144 Why wasn't like that? 00:25:46.144 --> 00:25:46.204 No, 00:25:46.924 --> 00:26:00.605 I, I have been very fortunate in that the doctors have had who they either know something but know the limits of what they know or just like, I don't know really a lot of anything here, let me send you somewhere that does 00:26:01.444 --> 00:26:01.565 No. 00:26:01.565 --> 00:26:01.894 Which makes 00:26:01.894 --> 00:26:03.065 me so mad for you. 00:26:03.394 --> 00:26:10.684 I, um, I don't have a good relationship with primary care physicians at all. 00:26:10.954 --> 00:26:11.164 Yeah. 00:26:11.255 --> 00:26:12.575 I've never had one. 00:26:12.694 --> 00:26:18.845 I'm hoping that this one is a good one that I have right now who is new and I've only seen once. 00:26:18.964 --> 00:26:20.255 He was okay. 00:26:21.184 --> 00:26:23.255 He knew I was really anxious about it. 00:26:23.255 --> 00:26:24.875 'cause he saw Justin first. 00:26:25.565 --> 00:26:26.494 Oh, that's right. 00:26:26.585 --> 00:26:28.295 He worked through his lunch. 00:26:29.480 --> 00:26:32.210 To like, and you were really anxious going into that appointment. 00:26:32.210 --> 00:26:33.619 I was, we were texting Yeah. 00:26:33.619 --> 00:26:38.509 A lot about that because he saw my husband first and he was like, oh, I have another Ross today. 00:26:38.509 --> 00:26:39.680 He is like, that's my wife. 00:26:39.680 --> 00:26:41.359 And he's like, oh, okay. 00:26:41.569 --> 00:26:47.119 And he looks, and he's like, that is a complicated list of concerns. 00:26:48.740 --> 00:26:49.009 Yeah. 00:26:49.015 --> 00:26:54.049 Because I have a very long list of things, um, that I'm working on. 00:26:54.859 --> 00:27:02.210 Well, and you have, you have advocated for yourself when you need, when you think there's something going on. 00:27:03.200 --> 00:27:03.589 Yeah. 00:27:03.950 --> 00:27:10.910 Because you've had to Ma'am, just hang out in your little cone. 00:27:11.089 --> 00:27:11.420 Okay. 00:27:12.619 --> 00:27:16.250 We'll put pictures of how adorable you are while you hate me. 00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:24.200 She's like, um, she's destroyed that cone. 00:27:24.710 --> 00:27:25.039 Yeah. 00:27:25.099 --> 00:27:25.309 Yeah. 00:27:26.464 --> 00:27:26.855 Good girl. 00:27:27.005 --> 00:27:29.224 She looks like a little like babushka cat. 00:27:29.285 --> 00:27:30.005 She does a little bit. 00:27:30.005 --> 00:27:34.025 She also sometimes reminds me of the lamp from Pixar, like the Pixar lamp. 00:27:34.744 --> 00:27:35.720 There have been a couple times she's trying to 00:27:35.720 --> 00:27:36.000 get outta it. 00:27:36.125 --> 00:27:37.505 She's so pissed. 00:27:37.565 --> 00:27:37.775 Yeah. 00:27:37.775 --> 00:27:41.615 Oh, she tries to get out of it all the time and she's like, I can't even give myself a bath. 00:27:41.644 --> 00:27:42.305 Thank goodness. 00:27:42.305 --> 00:27:43.319 It has like the sinchy. 00:27:44.099 --> 00:27:46.240 Oh, so it velcros and cinch. 00:27:46.579 --> 00:27:47.119 That's good. 00:27:47.464 --> 00:27:48.065 Yeah, that's 00:27:48.065 --> 00:27:48.515 been helpful. 00:27:49.115 --> 00:28:03.335 Um, so yeah, I went from Seroquel tranquilizers to a mood stabilizer and then we switched me off my anti-depression, anti-anxiety meds onto something else. 00:28:03.839 --> 00:28:06.515 'cause I get real ragey when it's that time of the month. 00:28:07.474 --> 00:28:10.085 Uh, and so we started. 00:28:10.640 --> 00:28:13.759 Looking for something that was better for PMDD, which guess what? 00:28:13.759 --> 00:28:14.839 I do have that. 00:28:15.529 --> 00:28:22.099 Um, I could commit a lot of crimes while I am PMSing and I will feel bad about them later. 00:28:22.460 --> 00:28:24.259 I could commit a lot of crimes. 00:28:24.589 --> 00:28:25.579 Oh, I love that. 00:28:26.299 --> 00:28:32.569 You know, it's helpful not to feel bad about it in the moment'cause that means you'll be more effective at the committing of the crime. 00:28:35.180 --> 00:28:41.809 Yeah, but also like I have, I, I feel like that that would be harder to 00:28:41.809 --> 00:28:42.289 get out of 00:28:42.289 --> 00:28:42.380 in 00:28:42.380 --> 00:28:42.769 court. 00:28:43.220 --> 00:28:45.920 That's, this is not me telling anyone to go commit crime. 00:28:45.980 --> 00:28:46.609 No, don't do that. 00:28:47.119 --> 00:28:48.890 But just observing. 00:28:49.789 --> 00:28:55.430 We, we kid, we kid don't, please don't commit crimes and attribute it to this podcast. 00:28:55.759 --> 00:28:56.119 No. 00:28:56.539 --> 00:28:58.039 You can attribute other things. 00:28:58.039 --> 00:29:03.049 This is not, this is not legal advice or medical advice. 00:29:05.150 --> 00:29:05.869 That's so true. 00:29:06.410 --> 00:29:14.299 Um, but how does, how does it feel now to have a doctor who like listened and was informed when you went in? 00:29:14.299 --> 00:29:15.559 It was kind of nice. 00:29:15.650 --> 00:29:15.920 Yeah. 00:29:15.924 --> 00:29:15.934 I 00:29:15.934 --> 00:29:18.349 mean, like, by

kind of, I mean really, I almost cried. 00:29:18.980 --> 00:29:22.400 Um, he listened to me when I said that my hand joints hurt. 00:29:23.329 --> 00:29:27.589 Um, because I have something called, um, it's called scleroderma. 00:29:28.279 --> 00:29:36.440 It is a thickening of the skin tissue, and it is a very close relative of rheumatoid arthritis. 00:29:37.160 --> 00:29:49.400 And so I was told by a rheumatologist that I went to go see that if I ever have, start having joint pain, that is kind of like, am I getting arthritis? 00:29:49.400 --> 00:29:51.829 Like, is this, are my joints swollen? 00:29:51.829 --> 00:29:52.490 Are they sore? 00:29:52.490 --> 00:29:56.119 Like I also have very hypermobile finger joints. 00:29:56.119 --> 00:29:57.710 So like, are they getting stuck? 00:29:58.369 --> 00:30:00.380 And you're not able,'cause they do. 00:30:00.589 --> 00:30:00.859 Yeah. 00:30:01.069 --> 00:30:07.880 I'll like be pushing on my pen or whatever and like my joint will get stuck in the up position and I have to like click it back down. 00:30:07.880 --> 00:30:07.910 Oh. 00:30:08.390 --> 00:30:20.329 Um, so, uh, I was supposed to talk to my PCP, um, my, the past, the, the last one. 00:30:20.779 --> 00:30:35.089 Um, he was like, huh, well, I mean if you want to, we can go get, we can get you an x-ray and we can test you for RH factors or RA factors, um, in your blood. 00:30:35.089 --> 00:30:35.960 And I was like, okay. 00:30:36.529 --> 00:30:39.500 Um, and that's not kept. 00:30:39.769 --> 00:30:42.200 Um, so I went and got x-rays. 00:30:42.200 --> 00:30:49.819 There was no, uh, degeneration of the tissue, um, which is good. 00:30:50.269 --> 00:30:51.680 And there were no RA factors. 00:30:52.174 --> 00:30:53.555 That can change. 00:30:53.585 --> 00:30:56.855 Like just because you don't have them now doesn't mean you won't have them later. 00:30:57.005 --> 00:30:57.214 Yeah, 00:30:57.515 --> 00:30:58.595 they just haven't come out yet. 00:30:59.045 --> 00:31:18.095 And uh, I learned after, uh, talking with my new PCP, uh, what made him concerned was that I was still having the pain I was having months later and it was just getting progressively worse'cause it's in my hands and 00:31:18.335 --> 00:31:19.444 those are kind of important. 00:31:19.654 --> 00:31:22.535 And he looked at the X-ray and he is like, well yeah, there's no degeneration. 00:31:22.535 --> 00:31:26.884 'cause you just started seeing symptoms like six months ago. 00:31:27.484 --> 00:31:30.545 Degeneration, especially with ra, it doesn't happen for a while. 00:31:30.545 --> 00:31:32.464 Like that is when you're having a problem. 00:31:33.005 --> 00:31:35.464 Yeah, that's when you're past the prevention phase. 00:31:37.265 --> 00:31:45.394 So, um, that doctor was waiting, the, the old doctor was waiting for me to have a problem apparently instead of taking care of the one I was having. 00:31:46.085 --> 00:31:47.765 That's, that's lovely, isn't it? 00:31:48.005 --> 00:31:48.545 Um.

00:31:48.934 --> 00:32:00.275 So now I'm on a medication that is for arthritis pain and I take it daily and I actually don't have sore finger joints every 25 seconds. 00:32:00.575 --> 00:32:01.204 Yay. 00:32:01.414 --> 00:32:02.075 Which is nice. 00:32:02.525 --> 00:32:02.765 It's 00:32:02.765 --> 00:32:03.694 validating too. 00:32:03.694 --> 00:32:05.644 You're like, I'm not crazy. 00:32:05.644 --> 00:32:06.634 I did know. 00:32:06.964 --> 00:32:08.525 So I did know what's happening. 00:32:08.555 --> 00:32:12.095 Doctors think I'm lying when I say I am pain tolerant. 00:32:13.025 --> 00:32:13.295 Yeah. 00:32:13.805 --> 00:32:13.954 Which 00:32:13.954 --> 00:32:15.904 is dumb, which is annoying to me. 00:32:15.964 --> 00:32:16.295 Yeah. 00:32:17.224 --> 00:32:19.625 I didn't know I was pain tolerant until I was in labor. 00:32:20.285 --> 00:32:22.055 Yeah, I remember hearing about that. 00:32:23.315 --> 00:32:29.285 But apparent, like apparently I am, and doctors think I'm lying like all the time, 00:32:30.904 --> 00:32:32.045 which is just like, 00:32:32.045 --> 00:32:40.714 like if I say that I am in pain because I am not crying and squirming or whatever, I'm not acting quote normal. 00:32:42.275 --> 00:32:42.724 Um. 00:32:43.414 --> 00:32:48.005 Because I, I essentially have the pain scale of like someone with chronic pain. 00:32:48.575 --> 00:32:48.724 Yeah. 00:32:49.684 --> 00:32:57.845 I don't necessarily have chronic pain, in my opinion, because I feel like the people that I know with chronic pain have a lot worse pain than I do. 00:32:58.115 --> 00:32:58.265 Yeah. 00:32:58.775 --> 00:33:04.174 But like my pain scale is kind of there like a seven. 00:33:04.174 --> 00:33:09.005 To me, I thought labor was like a eight or a nine. 00:33:11.585 --> 00:33:11.734 Huh. 00:33:13.474 --> 00:33:16.384 So if I tell you that I'm hurting at like a seven 00:33:16.744 --> 00:33:17.075 Yeah. 00:33:18.095 --> 00:33:20.644 That's, that's pretty freaking high to me. 00:33:20.855 --> 00:33:21.154 Yeah. 00:33:21.845 --> 00:33:27.335 Um, I mean, when I broke my ankle I was like, it's like a five. 00:33:27.365 --> 00:33:27.785 Right. 00:33:27.785 --> 00:33:28.805 You're like, it's fine. 00:33:29.285 --> 00:33:32.345 I mean, just go walk on the, on it to the car and they're like, don't. 00:33:32.795 --> 00:33:32.944 Yeah. 00:33:32.944 --> 00:33:33.214 Right. 00:33:33.214 --> 00:33:33.305 It's 00:33:33.575 --> 00:33:34.144 like, ugh. 00:33:35.045 --> 00:33:40.384 Um, but yeah, I just, I mean, it feels good that I'm being heard Good. 00:33:40.474 --> 00:33:40.954 And that I'm. 00:33:41.555 --> 00:33:45.154 I'm not getting written in my notes that I'm maligning. 00:33:45.904 --> 00:33:46.204 Ugh. 00:33:46.625 --> 00:33:47.404 I hate that. 00:33:48.005 --> 00:33:48.934 That's the worst. 00:33:49.295 --> 00:33:49.625 That's 00:33:49.805 --> 00:33:50.134 Lily. 00:33:50.134 --> 00:33:51.875 Are you talking to your adoring fans? 00:33:53.045 --> 00:33:54.154 Oh, you are.

00:33:54.154 --> 00:33:54.515 Okay. 00:33:54.724 --> 00:33:55.984 You have a lot of feelings about that. 00:33:55.984 --> 00:33:56.075 I have 00:33:57.154 --> 00:33:59.525 a lot of feelings about this net around my head, mom. 00:33:59.529 --> 00:33:59.730 Yeah. 00:34:00.009 --> 00:34:00.019 Yeah, 00:34:00.910 --> 00:34:01.329 you do. 00:34:02.440 --> 00:34:03.089 Yeah, you do. 00:34:04.924 --> 00:34:11.434 Do you think that your anxiety has gotten better? 00:34:11.885 --> 00:34:12.125 No. 00:34:12.215 --> 00:34:19.835 Knowing that you have somebody who's gonna listen, like your anxiety about like going to not like every day anxiety. 00:34:19.925 --> 00:34:21.815 You started grad school at the end of July. 00:34:21.815 --> 00:34:23.210 Your anxiety has just gotten worse. 00:34:23.409 --> 00:34:27.034 I was like, no, because I'm in grad school and 00:34:27.034 --> 00:34:29.224 I understand I have two jobs. 00:34:29.224 --> 00:34:32.045 I'm in grad school and I'm a mom and I'm trying to be a wife and stuff. 00:34:32.045 --> 00:34:33.485 It's like, yeah. 00:34:34.429 --> 00:34:37.280 I don't have a life, um, about the provider. 00:34:37.280 --> 00:34:45.889 Yes, I do feel like I am going to be heard, and if I have a concern, I can make an appointment and I can voice my concerns and they'll actually look at it. 00:34:46.309 --> 00:34:46.610 Yeah. 00:34:46.730 --> 00:34:58.369 Um, what this new provider said when I, at the end of that appointment, um, the first one that we had, and the only one I've had really, um, was uh, I was like, thank you for listening to me. 00:34:58.369 --> 00:35:00.170 He goes, that is literally my job. 00:35:01.250 --> 00:35:03.440 And I was like, thank you. 00:35:03.889 --> 00:35:04.219 Yeah. 00:35:04.280 --> 00:35:06.469 For doing that part of your job. 00:35:06.679 --> 00:35:07.400 Yeah. 00:35:08.239 --> 00:35:08.690 Yeah. 00:35:08.690 --> 00:35:12.260 Especially after having had the opposite for such a long time. 00:35:12.289 --> 00:35:12.650 Yeah. 00:35:12.739 --> 00:35:15.349 And it's been every doctor I've ever had. 00:35:15.409 --> 00:35:15.800 Yeah. 00:35:16.849 --> 00:35:19.099 They're all men, number one. 00:35:20.210 --> 00:35:20.599 Yeah. 00:35:20.599 --> 00:35:26.809 And see the, the weird thing, like my experience with male doctors is the opposite. 00:35:26.929 --> 00:35:28.514 Like I have had, it's great for you. 00:35:28.940 --> 00:35:29.960 It's weird. 00:35:30.320 --> 00:35:39.320 It's weird, like I've had better experiences with the male doctors I've worked with than the female doctors with like one exception, but yeah. 00:35:39.320 --> 00:35:54.349 Well, and then like, I think after one of them also made me allergic to things and I broke out in hives and it was the first time I got high on Benadryl, on accident, and I was with my mother, 00:35:54.409 --> 00:35:56.179 and then he took it like peanuts. 00:35:57.139 --> 00:35:57.409 Well, we all 00:35:57.409 --> 00:35:57.559 make 00:35:57.559 --> 00:35:58.039 choices. 00:35:58.940 --> 00:36:25.639 Um, I, having been to in a medical situation with you and seeing you interact with doctors, you aren't like overly pushy, but you are very, um, assured in how you speak to them, which is something I can't do. 00:36:26.135 --> 00:36:26.344 Yeah. 00:36:28.445 --> 00:36:36.335 Because as soon as someone's like trying to gaslight me about what I'm feeling pain wise or health or like emotion wise, right? 00:36:36.425 --> 00:36:38.045 I'm like, you must be right. 00:36:38.675 --> 00:36:39.005 Right. 00:36:39.335 --> 00:36:42.335 And you shut down because you're used to people disbelieving you. 00:36:42.724 --> 00:36:43.264 Yes. 00:36:43.505 --> 00:36:44.585 I even gaslight myself. 00:36:44.824 --> 00:36:46.505 I mean, yeah. 00:36:46.804 --> 00:36:48.034 I gaslight myself. 00:36:50.074 --> 00:36:56.405 So the meds you're on now, how do you feel those are going after you're tranquilizer 00:36:56.795 --> 00:36:59.105 experience to like, I'm no longer a zombie. 00:36:59.105 --> 00:37:10.505 I've cried more in the past six to nine months or so, being like the full change has been there for about six months. 00:37:10.505 --> 00:37:10.775 Yeah. 00:37:11.344 --> 00:37:11.795 Um. 00:37:13.550 --> 00:37:20.719 I've cried more in that past six months than I did in the 11 years I was taking the Seroquel, and I fucking hate it. 00:37:20.784 --> 00:37:21.074 Yeah. 00:37:22.400 --> 00:37:22.730 Yeah. 00:37:22.789 --> 00:37:24.860 I severely dislike it. 00:37:25.184 --> 00:37:25.755 It's not great. 00:37:25.755 --> 00:37:25.764 I 00:37:25.909 --> 00:37:27.920 cry almost every week when I go to therapy. 00:37:28.099 --> 00:37:28.340 Yeah. 00:37:29.750 --> 00:37:36.739 And then I say, I'm sorry, and then I get talked to about saying sorry for existing, and then I cry more. 00:37:39.019 --> 00:37:41.900 Does your therapist tell you that it's okay for you to take up space? 00:37:43.760 --> 00:37:44.090 Oh 00:37:44.300 --> 00:37:45.650 yeah, she did yesterday. 00:37:45.650 --> 00:37:51.710 Kat, Kat and my therapist, I think, are the same person in different bodies. 00:37:52.070 --> 00:37:56.030 I, I get that from a number of my friends. 00:37:56.210 --> 00:37:56.539 They're like. 00:37:57.500 --> 00:37:58.760 My therapist said the same thing. 00:37:58.760 --> 00:37:59.929 I'm like, I don't know what to tell you. 00:37:59.929 --> 00:38:01.579 I'm working on getting my, my degree. 00:38:01.579 --> 00:38:01.969 Okay. 00:38:02.150 --> 00:38:02.539 And then I 00:38:02.539 --> 00:38:05.269 usually see you on Saturdays and I have therapy on Fridays. 00:38:05.275 --> 00:38:05.565 It's terrible. 00:38:05.625 --> 00:38:06.469 So it's like, yes. 00:38:06.619 --> 00:38:09.139 She just said that less than 24 hours ago. 00:38:10.849 --> 00:38:11.329 So Yes. 00:38:12.500 --> 00:38:13.789 It's so fucking annoying though. 00:38:13.789 --> 00:38:19.250 You're like, I can take up whatever space I want and it could be this little tiny spot

right here. 00:38:19.250 --> 00:38:19.309 No, 00:38:19.309 --> 00:38:19.460 I can't. 00:38:19.460 --> 00:38:21.409 I'm not supposed to leave a trace. 00:38:21.559 --> 00:38:30.500 Catherine, you made a spicy mischievous on the cusp of Light and Dark Jedi. 00:38:30.619 --> 00:38:31.550 Oh, she's her. 00:38:31.550 --> 00:38:33.050 She does her own thing. 00:38:33.050 --> 00:38:33.829 That's not me. 00:38:36.394 --> 00:38:36.684 Okay. 00:38:37.010 --> 00:38:40.789 I mean, I think she's a pretty significant trace just to put that out there. 00:38:41.659 --> 00:38:42.349 She's not me. 00:38:42.349 --> 00:38:43.039 She's her. 00:38:43.250 --> 00:38:43.400 Alright. 00:38:44.750 --> 00:38:46.820 I like the rationalization that's going into this. 00:38:47.539 --> 00:38:48.170 It's very nice. 00:38:48.175 --> 00:38:48.545 Very nice. 00:38:48.710 --> 00:38:49.369 I'm really good at it. 00:38:49.460 --> 00:38:49.880 I know. 00:38:50.780 --> 00:38:51.860 That's why we have a good time. 00:38:52.400 --> 00:38:55.730 Oh, my therapist literally told me yesterday. 00:38:58.550 --> 00:39:02.929 Because, oh, back to the parenting of my child when I'm trying to reparent myself. 00:39:02.929 --> 00:39:03.349 Here we go. 00:39:03.349 --> 00:39:04.340 Perfect example. 00:39:04.699 --> 00:39:11.539 And Liz's been having that this thing where whenever we have to correct her for something. 00:39:12.170 --> 00:39:12.920 Yes. 00:39:13.940 --> 00:39:14.659 Anything. 00:39:15.440 --> 00:39:21.530 And it can be something really simple like, Hey kid, you forgot to pick up that toy. 00:39:21.650 --> 00:39:22.789 You left the toy over there. 00:39:23.150 --> 00:39:24.409 I did ask you to pick it up. 00:39:25.309 --> 00:39:26.510 You picked up the rest of them. 00:39:26.510 --> 00:39:27.050 Awesome job. 00:39:27.050 --> 00:39:28.579 But I also need that one picked up. 00:39:29.210 --> 00:39:31.039 And she's just like, oh, sorry. 00:39:31.460 --> 00:39:33.829 And she just gets really small in on herself. 00:39:34.340 --> 00:39:45.289 And at first I thought she was just doing it for like attention or something, and then I'm like, no, no, because Justin and I don't really give her attention for it. 00:39:45.289 --> 00:39:46.639 We're like, we're not mad at you, dude. 00:39:46.969 --> 00:39:47.269 Yeah. 00:39:47.329 --> 00:39:48.440 We just need you to go do the thing. 00:39:49.369 --> 00:39:51.980 Um, and uh. 00:39:53.480 --> 00:40:09.170 So I've been trying to figure out how to parent her through it and how to talk to her in a way that will help her see and understand that she's not in trouble. 00:40:09.260 --> 00:40:10.369 I'm not angry. 00:40:11.030 --> 00:40:11.960 None of those things. 00:40:11.960 --> 00:40:17.929 Like this is not, this does not have to be a negative thing, but it is a thing that does need to be handled. 00:40:18.019 --> 00:40:18.320 Yeah. 00:40:19.250 --> 00:40:33.590 Um, and uh, I was telling my therapist that,'cause I was just like, I don't, I don't know what to do and my therapist was not asking this question for any reason, but for, to like, gauge things a little bit. 00:40:33.710 --> 00:40:33.980 Yeah. 00:40:34.010 --> 00:40:41.420 This was not a read, this was not like a Hmm, like a, like that like sly side look that and everybody else do. 00:40:41.480 --> 00:40:41.630 I'm, 00:40:41.630 --> 00:40:43.159 it's, I've perfected it over many years. 00:40:43.405 --> 00:40:43.844 It's like, but 00:40:43.844 --> 00:40:45.445 do you look uhhuh? 00:40:46.264 --> 00:40:48.320 So she, she looks at me and she goes. 00:40:49.835 --> 00:40:50.405 Okay. 00:40:50.585 --> 00:40:52.445 How many times a day do you, would you say? 00:40:52.445 --> 00:40:53.224 You say sorry. 00:40:53.315 --> 00:40:57.875 And I was just like taken aback and I just like crunched my chin into my neck. 00:40:58.324 --> 00:40:58.534 Mm-hmm. 00:40:59.164 --> 00:41:00.485 And you turtle hard. 00:41:00.539 --> 00:41:06.005 I turtled really hard and I was like, oh my God, it's me. 00:41:08.014 --> 00:41:09.574 And she was like, what? 00:41:09.934 --> 00:41:12.965 Because that's not the, like, that's not why she said it. 00:41:12.965 --> 00:41:13.204 That 00:41:13.204 --> 00:41:14.375 wasn't where she was going with it. 00:41:14.375 --> 00:41:14.764 No, 00:41:14.795 --> 00:41:15.695 not at all. 00:41:15.994 --> 00:41:18.934 Um, and I was like, it's me. 00:41:18.934 --> 00:41:21.094 It's a learned behavior from me. 00:41:22.474 --> 00:41:26.764 And she was like, not what I meant, but tell me about that. 00:41:26.885 --> 00:41:27.489 Tell me more. 00:41:28.324 --> 00:41:32.675 And I was like, I apologize, like all the time. 00:41:33.005 --> 00:41:34.534 'cause I feel like I need to. 00:41:34.594 --> 00:41:38.974 And she was like, oh, like when I didn't see you in the waiting room earlier and I came and got you. 00:41:38.974 --> 00:41:40.414 And I said, oh, I didn't see you there. 00:41:40.414 --> 00:41:41.405 And you said, sorry. 00:41:43.054 --> 00:41:43.849 I was like, uhhuh. 00:41:47.105 --> 00:41:49.625 And I was just like, yeah, that. 00:41:49.744 --> 00:41:52.295 And she was like, so you apologize for existing? 00:41:52.445 --> 00:41:55.324 And I'm like, no. 00:41:55.775 --> 00:41:57.244 Why are you talking to me like that? 00:41:57.304 --> 00:41:58.864 I don't apologize for existing. 00:41:58.864 --> 00:42:00.364 I'm a delightful person. 00:42:00.664 --> 00:42:04.625 I apologize for people having to remember that I exist when I'm gone. 00:42:07.355 --> 00:42:09.094 Her brains are so fucking weird. 00:42:09.574 --> 00:42:10.025 Yeah, 00:42:10.565 --> 00:42:11.704 they're so weird. 00:42:13.114 --> 00:42:15.065 And I like your therapist. 00:42:15.605 --> 00:42:16.505 Yeah, she's great. 00:42:18.905 --> 00:42:21.815 But like making that connection even though that's not what she meant. 00:42:21.815 --> 00:42:22.175 You're like, 00:42:22.684 --> 00:42:25.625 fuck, I hate therapy epiphanies. 00:42:25.925 --> 00:42:26.494 Oh yeah.

00:42:26.494 --> 00:42:27.394 No, they're the worst. 00:42:30.364 --> 00:42:30.724 Yeah. 00:42:31.534 --> 00:42:31.954 Yeah. 00:42:32.164 --> 00:42:33.275 That was a big one yesterday. 00:42:34.474 --> 00:42:34.864 And I told 00:42:34.864 --> 00:42:38.224 Justin And you still agreed to come podcast with me tonight. 00:42:38.284 --> 00:42:39.094 I did. 00:42:39.184 --> 00:42:40.295 That was a choice. 00:42:41.014 --> 00:42:42.784 Yeah, it's'cause I had cookies. 00:42:43.505 --> 00:42:44.494 No, I haven't eaten one. 00:42:44.585 --> 00:42:45.125 I know you. 00:42:45.125 --> 00:42:46.684 There's a whole plate of cookies. 00:42:47.030 --> 00:42:47.630 Right there. 00:42:47.630 --> 00:42:49.400 And I haven't eaten any of this batch. 00:42:49.550 --> 00:42:50.269 Like none of them. 00:42:50.599 --> 00:42:50.809 Why? 00:42:50.809 --> 00:42:51.860 Because I was coming over. 00:42:51.920 --> 00:42:54.650 No, like I took some, where'd I go? 00:42:54.769 --> 00:43:00.139 Oh, when we went up to Tiger Today can you do me a favor and take a picture of this? 00:43:00.260 --> 00:43:00.349 Yeah. 00:43:00.530 --> 00:43:01.219 That's happening. 00:43:05.780 --> 00:43:06.289 Fucking cat. 00:43:08.389 --> 00:43:09.679 Fucking cat with a fucking cat. 00:43:11.554 --> 00:43:11.795 Thank 00:43:11.795 --> 00:43:12.184 you. 00:43:12.190 --> 00:43:12.844 You are welcome. 00:43:13.775 --> 00:43:15.934 Um, anyhow, 00:43:16.594 --> 00:43:18.364 anything, I don't know what we're talking about. 00:43:19.684 --> 00:43:21.155 Me having feelings and, 00:43:21.215 --> 00:43:21.905 oh, yeah. 00:43:22.715 --> 00:43:23.405 Feelings. 00:43:23.585 --> 00:43:24.065 Ugh. 00:43:24.155 --> 00:43:25.985 Taking up space and having feelings. 00:43:26.045 --> 00:43:26.494 Yeah. 00:43:26.675 --> 00:43:28.775 That, see, I tried to forget it. 00:43:28.985 --> 00:43:29.375 Yeah. 00:43:29.675 --> 00:43:29.855 Yeah. 00:43:29.855 --> 00:43:30.275 You did. 00:43:30.875 --> 00:43:33.664 You tried to remove yourself from that space. 00:43:33.664 --> 00:43:36.065 Didn't, didn't work 00:43:36.304 --> 00:43:36.965 back out of it. 00:43:39.005 --> 00:43:50.074 How, how, I mean, I know it's been less than 24 hours, but like, how, how did that shift your thinking, like when you had that stupid therapy epiphany? 00:43:50.494 --> 00:43:51.425 Because those are the worst. 00:43:51.454 --> 00:43:51.875 They're so 00:43:51.875 --> 00:43:52.385 annoying. 00:43:52.505 --> 00:43:54.574 So those are the ones I talked to Justin about. 00:43:54.664 --> 00:43:54.934 Yeah. 00:43:55.175 --> 00:43:57.155 I don't tell him everything in therapy. 00:43:57.184 --> 00:43:57.454 Yeah. 00:43:57.605 --> 00:43:59.494 Because then I'm having to rehash it. 00:43:59.494 --> 00:44:12.574 And a lot of times, especially lately, because we are doing inner child work, um, I don't have the capacity to break it down again Right. 00:44:12.755 --> 00:44:14.074 That night or whatever. 00:44:14.284 --> 00:44:14.525 Yeah. 00:44:14.735 --> 00:44:23.824 Um, so I, but I do tell him things that will impact like how we parent. 00:44:23.945 --> 00:44:24.215 Yeah. 00:44:24.965 --> 00:44:28.625 Um, or how I relate to him or whatever. 00:44:28.954 --> 00:44:31.385 So that is one of the things I told him. 00:44:31.474 --> 00:44:36.514 And he got the smirk on his face where he's like, I could have told you all of this. 00:44:38.074 --> 00:44:38.855 Um, I can 00:44:38.855 --> 00:44:42.045 see, I can see it on his face too, that like, like. 00:44:42.804 --> 00:44:45.889 That, that that kind of ches your cat, like mm-hmm. 00:44:46.429 --> 00:44:47.539 Please, with myself. 00:44:47.539 --> 00:44:49.940 Did did she, did she say that, that Kathy the canary? 00:44:49.940 --> 00:44:50.119 Yeah. 00:44:50.119 --> 00:44:50.130 Uhhuh. 00:44:50.130 --> 00:44:50.655 Did she say that? 00:44:50.655 --> 00:44:50.855 Uhhuh? 00:44:50.855 --> 00:44:51.054 Yeah. 00:44:51.139 --> 00:44:52.429 Did your therapist say that to you? 00:44:53.809 --> 00:45:13.099 Um, and, uh, so he is, I always, whenever I tell my therapist or anybody else, like how big of a support Justin is for my mental health and growth and development, I feel guilty because of how much he helps me. 00:45:13.519 --> 00:45:18.739 He, I'm always afraid that someone's gonna be like, you can't just use your husband as a crutch. 00:45:21.650 --> 00:45:22.940 But he's my best friend. 00:45:22.940 --> 00:45:23.000 Yeah. 00:45:23.630 --> 00:45:29.269 We've been together for 21 years. 00:45:29.269 --> 00:45:29.539 You've 00:45:29.539 --> 00:45:32.179 been together longer than you weren't together? 00:45:32.210 --> 00:45:37.460 Yeah, we've been together for over half our lives and I mean. 00:45:38.630 --> 00:45:41.809 I If I can't go, if I can't go to him, who am I going to? 00:45:42.079 --> 00:45:42.769 That's true. 00:45:44.750 --> 00:45:45.769 It's a Lucy. 00:45:46.309 --> 00:45:47.449 It is a Lucy. 00:45:49.400 --> 00:45:50.900 Oh, she just had a snacky snack. 00:45:50.929 --> 00:45:50.960 Oh, 00:45:52.340 --> 00:45:52.969 I'm taking a 00:45:52.969 --> 00:45:53.090 cookie. 00:45:53.869 --> 00:45:59.000 So these are the cookies that everyone is like raving about if they're terrible. 00:45:59.000 --> 00:46:01.190 Tell me anything about where, 00:46:02.480 --> 00:46:03.199 when they get them 00:46:03.199 --> 00:46:04.880 from you, when they, they eat them. 00:46:05.630 --> 00:46:05.989 Okay. 00:46:06.199 --> 00:46:08.269 John has requested multiple dozen. 00:46:08.929 --> 00:46:12.775 Ellie can, Ellie can eat like seven in one Go Uhhuh. 00:46:14.659 --> 00:46:14.989 Yeah. 00:46:15.800 --> 00:46:17.360 Uh, Rick loved them. 00:46:17.360 --> 00:46:17.690 Very sweet. 00:46:18.650 --> 00:46:20.090 That's why there's sea salt on them. 00:46:20.780 --> 00:46:21.260 I can taste 00:46:21.260 --> 00:46:21.679 the salt. 00:46:21.800 --> 00:46:22.340 It's good. 00:46:23.150 --> 00:46:29.090 Um, so I am a milk chocolate girl and I have been for a really long time.

00:46:29.150 --> 00:46:29.449 Yeah. 00:46:29.900 --> 00:46:31.880 But I think milk chocolate's getting to be too sweet for me. 00:46:32.179 --> 00:46:32.900 Yeah, that's real. 00:46:33.110 --> 00:46:33.739 You know what's funny? 00:46:33.860 --> 00:46:35.150 Semi-sweet chocolate chips. 00:46:35.659 --> 00:46:36.320 Shut up. 00:46:36.409 --> 00:46:36.710 Yep. 00:46:37.414 --> 00:46:37.985 No. 00:46:38.045 --> 00:46:42.994 Yeah, I got the Costco bag, 72 ounces of chocolate chips. 00:46:43.085 --> 00:46:44.195 Oh, you so, 00:46:44.195 --> 00:46:47.795 uh, also these are not semi-sweet. 00:46:48.784 --> 00:46:50.375 No, no, they are not. 00:46:50.644 --> 00:46:51.155 Um, 00:46:52.954 --> 00:46:53.704 I mean, they're good. 00:46:53.795 --> 00:46:54.514 They are good. 00:46:54.965 --> 00:46:56.164 I must send you home with some. 00:46:56.494 --> 00:46:56.945 They're good. 00:46:58.114 --> 00:46:58.534 Yeah. 00:46:58.835 --> 00:47:06.485 Um, but yeah, when it's something like that, I involve Justin and he's like, yeah, I know. 00:47:06.485 --> 00:47:09.244 And then he kind of helps me, um, 00:47:12.994 --> 00:47:17.315 by like, I'll say something, he's like, reframe that. 00:47:20.105 --> 00:47:20.284 Why? 00:47:20.284 --> 00:47:21.815 Or, or he'll straight up ask like, why are you saying sorry? 00:47:22.594 --> 00:47:25.054 And not in like that exasperated way that's like, why are you 00:47:25.054 --> 00:47:25.684 saying sorry? 00:47:25.864 --> 00:47:26.135 Yeah. 00:47:26.135 --> 00:47:26.764 It's just like, 00:47:28.070 --> 00:47:28.309 I want 00:47:28.570 --> 00:47:28.789 you 00:47:28.789 --> 00:47:33.545 to, to like, he, me, he picked up the language he knows and he's, that's helpful too. 00:47:33.755 --> 00:47:34.505 He's a yarn husband. 00:47:34.900 --> 00:47:36.335 He's, he's a dance husband. 00:47:36.364 --> 00:47:37.594 He's a dance dad. 00:47:37.625 --> 00:47:38.074 Yeah. 00:47:38.824 --> 00:47:39.784 No, he's Mr. 00:47:39.784 --> 00:47:40.295 Justin. 00:47:40.565 --> 00:47:41.135 He's Mr. 00:47:41.135 --> 00:47:45.994 Justin whose pants can't stay up at dance recitals makes everybody very uncomfortable. 00:47:46.025 --> 00:47:47.795 His pants can't stay up ever. 00:47:48.514 --> 00:47:52.114 I think I'm gonna have to make him start wearing suspenders. 00:47:52.114 --> 00:47:52.474 Suspenders, yes. 00:47:52.474 --> 00:47:52.744 When 00:47:52.744 --> 00:47:58.414 we're at dance concerts, because he just moons everybody and he's in charge of preschoolers. 00:48:01.114 --> 00:48:01.474 Yeah. 00:48:01.625 --> 00:48:08.795 And he doesn't know he, it's so consistent that he cannot tell, literally cannot tell that half of his ass crack is out. 00:48:09.125 --> 00:48:09.304 Yep. 00:48:10.505 --> 00:48:10.925 Bless him. 00:48:13.864 --> 00:48:15.514 Oh, Justin, 00:48:15.724 --> 00:48:18.934 he's, he is a pretty, pretty boy. 00:48:19.715 --> 00:48:20.885 I'm swirling a lot. 00:48:21.034 --> 00:48:21.730 Yeah, that's okay. 00:48:21.730 --> 00:48:22.085 Can you tell 00:48:22.085 --> 00:48:24.934 my a DHD meds went, wore off about 20 minutes ago. 00:48:24.965 --> 00:48:25.264 Yeah. 00:48:25.264 --> 00:48:25.985 Yeah, I can. 00:48:26.434 --> 00:48:30.264 Do you wanna like, actually talk about something that could like close off the, the thing yeah, sure. 00:48:31.284 --> 00:48:32.184 You're better at this than me. 00:48:32.244 --> 00:48:32.875 I don't know what to do. 00:48:34.284 --> 00:48:49.045 So what is something, what is advice that you would give yourself like five years ago you, or 10 years ago? 00:48:49.045 --> 00:48:49.284 You, 00:48:51.114 --> 00:48:52.344 those are very different people. 00:48:52.494 --> 00:48:53.304 I know. 00:48:54.295 --> 00:48:55.195 You want both or one. 00:48:55.255 --> 00:48:55.735 What do you want? 00:48:56.784 --> 00:48:57.324 Pick one. 00:48:58.554 --> 00:48:59.034 Okay, fine. 00:48:59.034 --> 00:49:01.445 Five years ago, you, five years ago, me. 00:49:02.514 --> 00:49:03.925 What advice would you give yourself? 00:49:03.925 --> 00:49:04.014 Well, 00:49:04.855 --> 00:49:07.074 in September of the year of our Lord 2020 00:49:09.565 --> 00:49:09.925 Yes. 00:49:09.925 --> 00:49:10.434 Continue. 00:49:11.994 --> 00:49:14.545 When the world, after the world stopped working. 00:49:15.355 --> 00:49:15.505 Yeah. 00:49:15.715 --> 00:49:18.625 And there were dolphins in Venice and the canals. 00:49:18.625 --> 00:49:18.835 Yeah. 00:49:18.835 --> 00:49:19.255 Continue. 00:49:19.260 --> 00:49:19.400 Yeah. 00:49:20.125 --> 00:49:20.275 Yeah. 00:49:20.275 --> 00:49:21.025 When the world was, when, 00:49:21.835 --> 00:49:25.105 when like the ozone layer was just starting to be able to breathe a little bit. 00:49:25.105 --> 00:49:25.164 Yeah. 00:49:25.195 --> 00:49:27.565 And then we just fucked it all back up again. 00:49:27.594 --> 00:49:27.775 Yeah. 00:49:28.344 --> 00:49:28.764 Um, 00:49:30.114 --> 00:49:32.485 and then we decided to dip out of any global 00:49:34.795 --> 00:49:35.335 whatever, 00:49:35.335 --> 00:49:36.025 anything. 00:49:36.085 --> 00:49:36.295 Yeah. 00:49:36.295 --> 00:49:36.744 Anyway, 00:49:39.324 --> 00:49:40.224 I didn't pick him. 00:49:42.594 --> 00:49:42.985 Very important. 00:49:43.764 --> 00:49:43.974 Yeah. 00:49:44.724 --> 00:49:47.905 Um, five years ago, me, 00:49:52.824 --> 00:49:54.114 Henley was like 18 months. 00:49:54.175 --> 00:49:55.465 Henley was my whole life then. 00:49:55.795 --> 00:49:56.065 Yeah. 00:49:57.954 --> 00:50:01.164 So like when I say five years ago, me, Henley was 18 months. 00:50:02.605 --> 00:50:09.594 Because that's how I, me, I've measured my life up until very recently when I started doing things for me again. 00:50:10.735 --> 00:50:11.695 Oh, okay. 00:50:12.954 --> 00:50:18.324 So can't say I was like super unhappy then. 00:50:18.474 --> 00:50:18.775 Yeah. 00:50:19.135 --> 00:50:20.574 But it was different, 00:50:21.235 --> 00:50:21.655 right? 00:50:22.135 --> 00:50:22.945 It was very different. 00:50:23.184 -->

00:50:27.445 I was, I was mom, I was nursing three babies. 00:50:27.655 --> 00:50:27.954 Yeah. 00:50:28.224 --> 00:50:36.534 I was, I was, I was just starting to teach dance. 00:50:36.684 --> 00:50:40.195 I had no ambition to go back to school. 00:50:40.224 --> 00:50:43.585 'cause I figured I just wouldn't, that would not be in the cards for me. 00:50:45.835 --> 00:50:54.414 And I did not think that, I, I don't even think I was really good friends with Ellie at that point. 00:50:54.420 --> 00:50:54.739 Mm-hmm. 00:50:54.954 --> 00:50:55.045 I 00:50:55.045 --> 00:50:56.034 didn't know Tricia. 00:50:56.034 --> 00:50:56.125 Mm-hmm. 00:50:57.085 --> 00:50:59.699 Um, I had some. 00:51:00.744 --> 00:51:07.974 I still had some very unhealthy relationships, like friendships that have since gone away. 00:51:08.364 --> 00:51:08.605 Yeah. 00:51:09.295 --> 00:51:11.844 Um, and I was still talking to my parents. 00:51:12.775 --> 00:51:13.135 Yeah. 00:51:13.494 --> 00:51:14.485 That's a big shift. 00:51:15.025 --> 00:51:19.315 Um, the last time. 00:51:23.155 --> 00:51:23.335 Yeah. 00:51:23.364 --> 00:51:26.304 'cause it was that la it was the next May that I was like, I'm out. 00:51:26.394 --> 00:51:26.844 Goodbye. 00:51:26.905 --> 00:51:27.264 Yeah. 00:51:27.715 --> 00:51:28.164 Yeah. 00:51:28.405 --> 00:51:29.394 We're not coming back. 00:51:30.925 --> 00:51:31.434 Um, 00:51:32.530 --> 00:51:34.405 that was, that was a tough one for you. 00:51:36.324 --> 00:51:40.494 It wasn't tough because I missed my, my mom, it was specifically my mother. 00:51:40.554 --> 00:51:40.885 Yeah. 00:51:41.394 --> 00:51:41.695 Right. 00:51:41.994 --> 00:51:44.875 It was tough because I knew I was cutting myself off from my siblings. 00:51:44.974 --> 00:51:45.905 Who still lived with her. 00:51:46.235 --> 00:51:55.594 Um, but yeah, I, or not even like advice, I would, would you just tell yourself, I don't know. 00:51:55.594 --> 00:52:02.375 I would just say that'cause that's when I started therapy, that's when I, I started actually looking after myself. 00:52:02.375 --> 00:52:04.744 I started creating boundaries. 00:52:05.135 --> 00:52:28.835 I started and it, I think it was because of Henley really, because up until that point, I hadn't had the pe, the people I was protecting were my siblings and I could only protect them so much when they still lived there. 00:52:29.105 --> 00:52:29.585 When. 00:52:31.054 --> 00:52:31.925 All of that stuff. 00:52:32.014 --> 00:52:32.255 Right. 00:52:32.525 --> 00:52:39.304 Um, I also had knowledge that like things weren't happening, so That's great. 00:52:39.514 --> 00:52:40.954 Sorry, I'm being so cryptic. 00:52:41.434 --> 00:52:43.025 Um, we love vague. 00:52:43.264 --> 00:52:43.684 It's good. 00:52:44.164 --> 00:52:46.985 Uh, how about this? 00:52:47.014 --> 00:52:50.914 If you, if you have this in your life, you know exactly what I'm talking about. 00:52:50.945 --> 00:52:51.094 Yep. 00:52:51.179 --> 00:52:51.400 Yep. 00:52:51.425 --> 00:53:16.534 Um, but Henley was the first time that something had happened and I had to have my mother watch her and it was overnight and I gave her the bedtime routine. 00:53:16.534 --> 00:53:18.815 It was something emergent had happened. 00:53:18.815 --> 00:53:26.014 Like it was not a choice of me leaving her, it was who I could have her be with. 00:53:26.434 --> 00:53:26.675 Yeah. 00:53:27.034 --> 00:53:29.284 Um, and so. 00:53:30.739 --> 00:53:33.050 I gave her the, the night team routine. 00:53:33.050 --> 00:53:35.389 I gave her the list of foods that she eats. 00:53:35.389 --> 00:53:38.329 I gave her, like, her little schedule, all of that stuff. 00:53:38.329 --> 00:53:43.489 I, I enabled every part of taking care of her. 00:53:43.789 --> 00:53:43.940 Yeah. 00:53:45.110 --> 00:53:55.969 Um, and when I came back to get her, I had brought over six diapers. 00:53:56.570 --> 00:54:01.010 There were, there were four left, and I'd been gone for 36 hours. 00:54:03.320 --> 00:54:05.210 Um, she had not been bathed. 00:54:08.210 --> 00:54:17.869 Um, and my brother was the one taking care of her, not while, while my mother took a nap. 00:54:20.480 --> 00:54:26.420 Um, so that was when I, I drew the line. 00:54:27.019 --> 00:54:27.199 Yeah. 00:54:27.199 --> 00:54:27.260 Um. 00:54:29.420 --> 00:54:31.969 Because I tolerated a lot of things for myself. 00:54:32.750 --> 00:54:33.170 Right. 00:54:33.260 --> 00:54:42.739 But I made a decision very early on in my pregnancy that that would not be happening to my child. 00:54:43.130 --> 00:54:43.340 Right. 00:54:43.429 --> 00:54:43.940 None of it. 00:54:45.530 --> 00:54:45.949 Um, 00:54:45.980 --> 00:54:47.119 I remember we talked about that. 00:54:47.780 --> 00:54:48.139 Yeah. 00:54:48.230 --> 00:54:48.289 A 00:54:48.295 --> 00:54:48.619 lot. 00:54:48.675 --> 00:54:48.965 Yeah. 00:54:50.389 --> 00:54:51.530 Because I was really scared. 00:54:51.860 --> 00:54:52.190 Yeah. 00:54:53.989 --> 00:55:00.590 And I still am because I, that's the only parenting I know of a young child. 00:55:00.739 --> 00:55:01.010 Yeah. 00:55:01.400 --> 00:55:04.849 I mean, yes, I have Justin's parents, but I've only known them since I was like 18. 00:55:04.969 --> 00:55:05.690 I was grown up by then. 00:55:05.960 --> 00:55:06.829 Right, right. 00:55:06.829 --> 00:55:06.949 It's a 00:55:06.949 --> 00:55:07.789 different kind of parent. 00:55:08.599 --> 00:55:08.929 Yeah. 00:55:09.889 --> 00:55:12.380 So, yeah. 00:55:12.769 --> 00:55:18.440 But you're, you're doing things, you're consciously making different choices. 00:55:19.190 --> 00:55:20.659 And I think that that's what I would tell myself. 00:55:20.659 --> 00:55:22.940 Like, you're, it's a hard thing you're doing. 00:55:25.715 --> 00:55:29.675 And it feels really mean because you are used to being the punching bag. 00:55:30.125 --> 00:55:30.364 Yeah. 00:55:31.235 --> 00:55:35.344 And you feel like you are abandoning your siblings. 00:55:35.344 --> 00:55:38.945 You feel like all of these things. 00:55:39.125 --> 00:55:39.394 Yeah. 00:55:43.505 --> 00:55:53.704 But another thing I've learned from this therapist is when those thoughts come in, I now have to ask myself, whose voice is it in? 00:55:54.605 --> 00:55:55.594 It's in my mother's. 00:55:55.775 --> 00:55:56.045 Yep. 00:55:57.844 --> 00:55:58.175 Oof. 00:55:58.235 --> 00:55:58.445 Yeah. 00:55:58.445 --> 00:55:59.045 And I hate it. 00:55:59.500 --> 00:55:59.780 Mm-hmm. 00:56:00.664 --> 00:56:06.755 Um, so I have to just kind of be like, okay, well who's, who is saying that met? 00:56:07.804 --> 00:56:12.155 And if it's not me, who is it and why? 00:56:13.925 --> 00:56:15.844 And do I need to tell them to fuck off? 00:56:17.105 --> 00:56:19.835 And if it is me, why is that? 00:56:20.434 --> 00:56:20.704 Yeah. 00:56:20.739 --> 00:56:21.030 Yeah. 00:56:21.635 --> 00:56:22.025 Um. 00:56:22.130 --> 00:56:22.190 Yeah. 00:56:22.730 --> 00:56:27.320 But yeah, I, I had all those feelings of like, I'm, this is not the right thing. 00:56:27.349 --> 00:56:28.909 Who does this to their parent? 00:56:28.909 --> 00:56:33.619 Like, she has been there for me through Henley being a baby. 00:56:33.829 --> 00:56:34.670 No, she wasn't. 00:56:35.510 --> 00:56:36.019 Anyway. 00:56:36.710 --> 00:56:37.760 Um mm-hmm. 00:56:39.079 --> 00:56:46.909 So I would just tell myself that you're doing, you are doing a hard thing, but a good thing. 00:56:48.230 --> 00:56:49.369 I think that's good advice. 00:56:50.449 --> 00:56:52.159 That was a very long answer to that question. 00:56:52.400 --> 00:56:53.449 I like long answers. 00:56:55.159 --> 00:56:55.760 No, it was good. 00:56:56.030 --> 00:56:57.409 Thank you for chatting with me. 00:56:57.889 --> 00:56:58.250 Yep. 00:56:58.639 --> 00:57:02.900 And Lily, who I think is asleep on my left mostly. 00:57:07.440 --> 00:57:09.481 So with that, the cats and I are gonna go. 00:57:09.871 --> 00:57:13.351 Lily was very excited to participate in that episode. 00:57:13.440 --> 00:57:16.440 I don't know if you notice, but she is all over the place. 00:57:17.041 --> 00:57:22.981 Um, if you are not already, please like, share and subscribe to, sorry, that's my inside voice. 00:57:22.981 --> 00:57:24.181 Wherever you're listening. 00:57:24.451 --> 00:57:27.721 Also, make sure you're doing that for any podcast you listen to. 00:57:27.751 --> 00:57:32.371 It helps boost all the algorithm e things and it makes our day. 00:57:33.630 --> 00:57:36.181 Follow us on all the socials we are at, sorry. 00:57:36.181 --> 00:57:44.130 That's my inside voice on Instagram and Facebook, and you can check out the guest bios and other fun info at, sorry. 00:57:44.130 --> 00:57:46.021 That's my inside voice.com. 00:57:46.440 --> 00:57:47.251 Thanks for listening. 00:57:47.280 --> 00:57:48.121 We'll talk to y'all soon. 00:57:48.300 --> 00:57:48.751 Bye