From Prison to Purpose: Surrender, Motherhood, and Finding Inner Authority with Misty McCray: täielik transkriptsioon

arrested federal before and I didn't know what any of this meant the severity of it at the time they took me in and they let me know that I was looking at 45 62 00:04:45,208 --> 00:04:48,464 years to life and 63 00:04:48,464 --> 00:04:49,364 Yeah. 64 00:04:49,785 --> 00:04:50,506 Yeah. 65 00:04:50,506 --> 00:04:52,698 But I didn't comprehend that. 66 00:04:52,698 --> 00:04:57,051 I was like, okay, I'll just still get a bond and this is what's going to happen. 67 00:04:57,051 --> 00:04:57,947 It'll be fine. 68 00:04:57,947 --> 00:05:01,069 So after a couple of days, I was informed. 69 00:05:01,069 --> 00:05:02,971 Well, this is the federal system. 70 00:05:02,971 --> 00:05:04,212 It's not like the state. 71 00:05:04,212 --> 00:05:07,294 It's very likely you're not going to be getting a bond. 72 00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:10,166 And then it's like, what do you mean? 73 00:05:12,068 --> 00:05:12,056 And so now I'm starting to have questions. 74 00:05:12,056 --> 00:05:14,567 And I'm not even in fear yet. 75 00:05:14,567 --> 00:05:18,559 I'm just kind of in shock and just in disbelief in no way. 76 00:05:18,559 --> 00:05:27,230 And then a lady by the name of Hope, three days into this, comes to me and hands me an envelope and she says, my pastor gave me this. 77 00:05:27,230 --> 00:05:28,510 I'd like to share it with you. 78 00:05:28,510 --> 00:05:30,703 I feel, you know, that I need to. 79 00:05:30,703 --> 00:05:36,264 in those days that time, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 80 00:05:36,264 --> 00:05:43,410 So she hands me this and I just like, could feel how this is a big deal, whatever this was. 81 00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:54,287 And so I waited till I was alone and I went into my room when my bunkie wasn't there and I opened this up and it was, it comes from Malachi He sits as a refiner and a purifier of 82 00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:55,208 silver. 83 00:05:55,208 --> 00:06:03,076 And so the story goes, there were some women in a Bible study who were curious about what this meant about the character and nature of God. 84 00:06:03,089 --> 00:06:09,282 And one of the ladies was curious and so she called a silversmith and said, you know, can I come watch? 85 00:06:09,282 --> 00:06:11,083 And he said, yeah. 86 00:06:11,083 --> 00:06:14,926 And she didn't mention anything about her curiosity as to why. 87 00:06:14,926 --> 00:06:20,272 And she watched him hold a piece of silver over the fire where the flames were the hottest to burn away impurities. 88 00:06:20,272 --> 00:06:24,751 And she said she thought about us being in such a hot spot to burn away our impurities as well. 89 00:06:24,751 --> 00:06:29,002 And so I obviously was thinking about, I was in a pretty hot spot. 90 00:06:29,002 --> 00:06:35,464 the story goes on that she watches and she says to the silversmith, so how do you know when the silver is fully refined? 91 00:06:35,464 --> 00:06:38,178 And he said, that's easy when I see my image in it. 92 00:06:38,178 --> 00:06:41,359 So if you're feeling the heat of the fire, just know that God has his eyes on you. 93 00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:44,241 He'll keep watching you until he sees his image in you. 94 00:06:44,241 --> 00:06:52,304 And so it was that moment that I held onto that and I fully trusted that, okay, whatever happens is going to happen and thank you, God. 95 00:06:52,559 --> 00:06:54,642 And so, yeah. 96 00:06:54,642 --> 00:07:01,805 Okay, so first of all, so I am picturing 24 year old Misty McCray. 97 00:07:01,805 --> 00:07:07,668 You have spent your life in a little bit of dysfunction, lack of support. 98 00:07:07,668 --> 00:07:15,445 And so you go seeking community in the wrong group of people and end up in a pretty hot spot. 99 00:07:15,445 --> 00:07:22,896 And through those actions and you go to try to start life new, you move away and think that this is it. 100 00:07:22,896 --> 00:07:27,576 and then you get a knock on the door and you get taken away. 101 00:07:27,576 --> 00:07:29,696 You surrender to the experience. 102 00:07:29,696 --> 00:07:36,147 And next thing you realize, you're looking at 45 years in prison. 103 00:07:36,147 --> 00:07:39,383 Holy fucking shit. 104 00:07:39,383 --> 00:07:40,472 Absolutely yes. 105 00:07:40,472 --> 00:07:40,944 Yeah. 106 00:07:40,944 --> 00:07:55,225 And what was it like, like that feeling and that realization set in for you uh coupled with this woman offering you a bit of a lifeline in a way or a bit of perspective. 107 00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:59,836 Yeah, knew there was, it was a life sentence, not a death sentence, you know. 108 00:07:59,836 --> 00:08:04,096 And I didn't know if I would die in prison. 109 00:08:04,435 --> 00:08:06,534 But I knew that I needed to get living. 110 00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:07,160 Yeah. 111 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:07,987 Yeah. 112 00:08:08,144 --> 00:08:09,235 Oh my God. 113 00:08:09,235 --> 00:08:17,827 I just I want to stop and honor that woman that 24 year old you 20 years ago. 114 00:08:17,859 --> 00:08:18,731 Yeah. 115 00:08:19,505 --> 00:08:20,676 Oh man. 116 00:08:20,676 --> 00:08:21,997 So then what happened? 117 00:08:21,997 --> 00:08:28,453 I I'm thinking about this where you have like, yes, a minor arrest record and you're looking at 45 years. 118 00:08:28,453 --> 00:08:33,538 Did you feel like you were accurately and appropriately represented by the court system all those things? 119 00:08:33,538 --> 00:08:36,330 Tell me how this all unfolded from there. 120 00:08:36,551 --> 00:08:42,689 I was appointed a beautiful attorney that came to see me and was like there for me. 121 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:51,655 And that gave me, even though he often did not have answers for me, he would show up and let me know, hey, look, just so you know, there's not really new answers. 122 00:08:51,655 --> 00:08:52,755 How you doing? 123 00:08:52,755 --> 00:08:57,837 And I'm like, well, I have no idea. 124 00:08:58,345 --> 00:09:01,067 And have you actually even been convicted?

125 00:09:01,075 --> 00:09:01,885 No. 126 00:09:01,974 --> 00:09:03,556 so this is what happened. 127 00:09:03,556 --> 00:09:08,430 Three years I sat in a county jail waiting to be sentenced. 128 00:09:08,430 --> 00:09:11,252 So for three years I didn't have a verdict. 129 00:09:11,252 --> 00:09:15,954 For three years I sat there needing dental work. 130 00:09:15,954 --> 00:09:21,980 For three years I sat there I was only allowed three books because it was a county jail. 131 00:09:21,980 --> 00:09:24,617 So I couldn't educate myself. 132 00:09:24,617 --> 00:09:26,614 or like, my God. 133 00:09:26,786 --> 00:09:27,526 I know. 134 00:09:27,526 --> 00:09:29,707 And so, and there was no library. 135 00:09:29,707 --> 00:09:31,019 It's a county jail. 136 00:09:31,019 --> 00:09:38,871 So I felt a lot like in some regards, I was decaying, like wasting away. 137 00:09:38,871 --> 00:09:41,274 But I just dug deeper inside. 138 00:09:41,274 --> 00:09:43,223 That's all I had, you know. 139 00:09:43,223 --> 00:09:50,463 And at this point, if you had had more financial resources, would you have been able to post bail and then wait for sentencing and home? 140 00:10:03,137 --> 00:10:04,542 Well, one person. 141 00:10:10,098 --> 00:10:13,121 Like it was so important for me for it to be clean. 142 00:10:13,121 --> 00:10:14,081 It was my house. 143 00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:16,666 lived there, you know, everybody else was coming and going. 144 00:10:16,666 --> 00:10:22,969 and I would like save cups for like paper cups that I would get from commissary with coffee in it or whatever. 145 00:10:22,969 --> 00:10:25,111 would save those for the new people coming in. 146 00:10:25,111 --> 00:10:29,112 And like, I, it just, I made it my business to just. 147 00:10:29,112 --> 00:10:40,106 have reasons to get up every day and I would write and I would exercise and I did everything I could just to stay sane and I wrote apologies to everybody I could ever think 148 00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:43,349 of and I fast, I prayed, I did all that. 149 00:10:43,349 --> 00:10:49,475 And then I just knew that when I was going to court, I finally got a court date and I signed 24 to life. 150 00:10:49,475 --> 00:10:52,147 And so I didn't know what was going to happen. 151 00:10:52,147 --> 00:10:53,789 No, no, no, no, they came. 152 00:10:53,789 --> 00:10:58,442 two and half years in and said, would you like to sign the 24 years to life? 153 00:10:58,442 --> 00:11:00,386 And I did not. 154 00:11:00,386 --> 00:11:03,535 And so they gave me another offer and it was 15 to life. 155 00:11:03,535 --> 00:11:10,360 So that's always a gamble, but anyway, pled guilty 15 to life and they could give me whatever they wanted. 156 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:14,891 Went to court and I was sentenced nine years plus five years probation. 157 00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:21,846 And was sent to Tallahassee, Florida where I spent the rest of the five years there. 158 00:11:21,846 --> 00:11:26,293 And I educated myself, I learned all the things that mattered to me. 159 00:11:26,293 --> 00:11:30,092 And you work in federal prison, so it's not an option. 160 00:11:30,092 --> 00:11:31,678 Tell me what that means. 161 00:11:31,708 --> 00:11:36,859 So everybody has a job and all the federal prisons have a specific 162 00:11:36,859 --> 00:11:47,739 a specific job that they outsource and so this particular one was 411 so like a call service And so that's where I wanted to be at because that's where all the money was at 163 00:11:47,739 --> 00:11:52,723 but that was stressful I did get on it worked for a little bit and it was really stressful. 164 00:11:53,403 --> 00:11:58,304 Oh Yeah, you get paid Yeah, you get paid pennies on the dollar 165 00:11:59,704 --> 00:12:00,059 at the unicorn is what they call it. 166 00:12:00,059 --> 00:12:01,739 Every prison has a unicorn. 167 00:12:01,919 --> 00:12:08,329 At that particular one, I think the going rate, start out at like 36 cents an hour. 168 00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:11,738 And then you can work your way up to like 60 something cents an hour. 169 00:12:11,738 --> 00:12:16,961 And if you were doing overtime when that was allowed, could almost make a dollar an hour. 170 00:12:17,781 --> 00:12:18,019 But I left with money. 171 00:12:18,019 --> 00:12:23,222 when I went home from prison, like, you know, saved all my money and it's kind of a thing. 172 00:12:23,222 --> 00:12:24,960 anyway, I made everyday count. 173 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:28,626 I started telling my story to the juveniles in the area. 174 00:12:28,626 --> 00:12:33,568 They would either come into the prison or we would go like to a local Red Cross and share. 175 00:12:33,708 --> 00:12:37,225 So there was like, you know, maybe 10 of us on the compound of about. 176 00:12:37,277 --> 00:12:42,485 thousand women who were volunteered and selected to be able to be in this program. 177 00:12:42,485 --> 00:12:46,243 And so I became the mentor to others and 178 00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:50,243 Sometimes you do a lot of work and you work really hard and nobody sees it. 179 00:12:50,243 --> 00:12:54,047 or you feel like doesn't matter but it matters to you, you know? 180 00:12:54,047 --> 00:12:57,998 I feel like that in motherhood too sometimes, you know? 181 00:12:58,166 --> 00:12:59,566 Oh, girl. 182 00:13:00,566 --> 00:13:02,019 I hear you there. 183 00:13:02,019 --> 00:13:15,276 It sounds also like based on you taking the role of keeping the unit clean and saving the cups from commissary that and making sure that the people coming in had support and 184 00:13:15,276 --> 00:13:20,588 resources that you started your mothering journey long before you became a mama. 185 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:27,719 yeah, I was that was the first time I was in the mama role Yeah 186 00:13:28,055 --> 00:13:40,183 How did you find, even in like a prison community, I imagine that that social structure of people looking out for each

other and taking care of each other, because everyone's got 187 00:13:40,183 --> 00:13:46,192 good days and bad days, how important was that to you in your survival? 188 00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:47,754 It was pretty remarkable. 189 00:13:47,754 --> 00:13:52,667 had women who, like when I got to federal, like when I was in the county jail, I was the mama. 190 00:13:52,667 --> 00:14:03,880 And then when I got to federal prison, I had some women who kind of took me under their wing to just like, like they would cook meals and bring it to me and we would sit and eat 191 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:04,681 together. 192 00:14:04,681 --> 00:14:09,304 they would, you know, women group together, you find your tribe wherever you go. 193 00:14:09,304 --> 00:14:10,424 you know, they 194 00:14:11,208 --> 00:14:22,983 in our free time, you know, you can do whatever you want to do, go outside and sit in the beautiful weather, on the grass, you know, have a meal together, can meet and go to the 195 00:14:22,983 --> 00:14:31,890 cafeteria together and laugh or, you know, like, I mean, you learn to live within the walls um and we do. 196 00:14:31,890 --> 00:14:33,215 m 197 00:14:33,215 --> 00:14:38,839 You know, there's crocheting, there's all kinds of leather, there's all kinds of things you can do. 198 00:14:38,839 --> 00:14:42,913 For me, I leaned into what I'm still doing is body work. 199 00:14:42,913 --> 00:14:55,152 So getting into the body, whether it was Pilates or on the weight pile with weights or whether it was, I finally got into yoga before I left and I learned everything I could. 200 00:14:55,152 --> 00:15:00,686 And as I was learning, I started taking over those classes and leading some of them and 201 00:15:00,686 --> 00:15:08,402 That's where my first opportunity to really lead in groups of people in this way started happening. 202 00:15:08,402 --> 00:15:14,648 And all that that was born and that was birthed at that time is what I brought with me outside. 203 00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:20,554 I also took classes from the community college and I took, uh I got a business certificate. 204 00:15:20,554 --> 00:15:23,369 And so I just focused on all business. 205 00:15:23,369 --> 00:15:26,860 I just knew getting out, like getting a job, I'm not much of an employee. 206 00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:40,094 I can work for people, I can be an employee, but I really like to kind of do my own thing or, you know, just, it's like teaching yoga or personal training is like more in the arena 207 00:15:40,094 --> 00:15:45,706 that I'm interested in something creative or fun rather than just like a nine to five. 208 00:15:45,706 --> 00:15:48,204 And I also knew that having a record, 209 00:15:48,204 --> 00:15:52,284 You know, like you hear how much the world's gonna be against you. 210 00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:53,701 I was really fearful. 211 00:15:53,701 --> 00:15:58,801 was more afraid the day I left prison than the day I was arrested, for sure. 212 00:15:59,381 --> 00:15:59,946 For sure. 213 00:15:59,946 --> 00:16:13,567 looked like when you found out after all that you got through waking up every day, finding something to look forward to, finding purpose, educating yourself, sharpening your wit, 214 00:16:13,567 --> 00:16:22,978 your mindset, which by the way, that just, I imagine, and I want to acknowledge that there was probably many women there who did not do that. 215 00:16:22,978 --> 00:16:24,700 yeah, there were many who did not. 216 00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:28,503 A lot of people were just getting by, counting their days down literally. 217 00:16:28,503 --> 00:16:38,152 I had the privilege of being in a unit where there were lifers and people doing long sentences and they have a different, like they're not going anywhere, you know, so they're 218 00:16:38,152 --> 00:16:41,653 not, there's not, they're more settled. 219 00:16:41,747 --> 00:16:45,520 you know, and they've decided, right, I'm going to be here. 220 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:46,740 A lot of them. 221 00:16:47,121 --> 00:16:56,165 But they also give out medication in prison that sedates people who, you know, who just kind of wants to check out more, can't deal with it, you know. 222 00:16:56,165 --> 00:17:03,224 And there are some rowdy people, but for the most part, I never was, I never engaged with any of that or was really around it. 223 00:17:03,224 --> 00:17:06,997 So I was really, I feel very fortunate and female prisons are 224 00:17:06,997 --> 00:17:09,877 not rough like what we hear the men's prisons are. 225 00:17:09,877 --> 00:17:11,253 Not really. 226 00:17:11,253 --> 00:17:12,836 Not in comparison. 227 00:17:12,927 --> 00:17:29,215 One curiosity that I have is being in prison with people who've done a multitude of crimes, some that maybe would be rendered unconscionable and some maybe more minor. 228 00:17:30,357 --> 00:17:34,170 What did it teach you about unconditional love? 229 00:17:34,566 --> 00:17:36,186 There was one little girl. 230 00:17:36,186 --> 00:17:36,966 Oh my god. 231 00:17:36,966 --> 00:17:37,954 I love her 232 00:17:37,954 --> 00:17:42,787 What I learned in my own journey is that hurt people hurt people and I don't believe that. 233 00:17:42,787 --> 00:17:43,857 people are just evil. 234 00:17:43,857 --> 00:17:49,710 And there was one little girl who was doing hundreds of years. 235 00:17:49,710 --> 00:17:53,261 She was sentenced to hundreds of years because of child pornography. 236 00:17:53,261 --> 00:17:58,573 And a lot of people were hard on her. 237 00:17:58,573 --> 00:18:00,495 She was a really small little girl. 238 00:18:00,495 --> 00:18:02,547 But I got to know her on purpose. 239 00:18:02,547 --> 00:18:04,240 and she always had her head down. 240 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:08,805 Anyway, I got to know her on purpose and I learned that that was her story. 241 00:18:08,805 --> 00:18:10,027 She was molested. 242 00:18:10,027 --> 00:18:16,493 And so when she had

children, you know, her father did it to her and the man that she lived with abused her in these ways. 243 00:18:16,493 --> 00:18:20,027 And so she allowed this to happen to her children and was in on it. 244 00:18:20,027 --> 00:18:24,672 But that's all she knew, you know, and I just, it's not cool to. 245 00:18:24,672 --> 00:18:27,617 not even know someone and to treat them poorly. 246 00:18:27,617 --> 00:18:33,496 So anyway, we're all human beings experiencing life and nobody's more right than the other one. 247 00:18:33,496 --> 00:18:39,332 I know that, you know, we've all been taught like what's right or wrong or good or bad but 248 00:18:39,404 --> 00:18:45,546 You know, we lay in the bed at night and some people feel justified because they didn't do the thing that someone else did. 249 00:18:45,786 --> 00:18:49,188 Or they feel terrible for doing, you know, something. 250 00:18:49,188 --> 00:18:52,869 But what I understand is that we're all just living. 251 00:18:52,869 --> 00:18:54,944 We're all just doing our best. 252 00:18:54,944 --> 00:19:01,448 I mean, how many times like, it's like I was vegan once before, hardcore. 253 00:19:01,448 --> 00:19:06,700 I thought everybody needed to be vegan and I chastised those who weren't, right? 254 00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:09,021 Even if I didn't out loud, I did in my... 255 00:19:09,101 --> 00:19:11,063 I thought I knew more than someone else. 256 00:19:11,063 --> 00:19:16,466 and then over the time, over years, like I was like, wow, I need more nourishment, you know? 257 00:19:16,466 --> 00:19:18,847 And so I changed what I was doing. 258 00:19:18,847 --> 00:19:24,900 And anyway, I've had several of those experiences where I was all in on some decision of thinking I was right. 259 00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:28,582 And then I woke up the next day after years of having that 260 00:19:28,744 --> 00:19:32,941 you know, belief system and I woke up the next day and was like, okay. 261 00:19:32,982 --> 00:19:33,463 right. 262 00:19:33,463 --> 00:19:38,116 um 263 00:19:38,116 --> 00:19:46,804 new realities and being aware that we don't know what we would do in a certain situation when. 264 00:19:46,804 --> 00:19:59,907 threatened when in need, when under specific circumstances, and that when we look at the human in each other and remember that all of us are human and so deeply flawed and made of 265 00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:07,650 love that that is when we can foster connection and peace within ourselves and peace within each other. 266 00:20:07,650 --> 00:20:11,470 And I just I love that you said that you met her on purpose. 267 00:20:12,331 --> 00:20:13,251 Yeah. 268 00:20:13,415 --> 00:20:17,654 I bet there are no words for how much that mattered to her. 269 00:20:17,654 --> 00:20:28,240 Yeah, she would always have her head down and she would wear like a beanie and she was always down and then after some time, you know, she started brightening up and she moved 270 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,342 it back and so she wasn't always covered. 271 00:20:30,342 --> 00:20:34,091 It's like she was coming to life, you know, it's really beautiful to watch. 272 00:20:34,091 --> 00:20:47,232 So as you were, you navigated probably the most difficult circumstances, one of the most difficult circumstances that any woman could imagine themselves being in. 273 00:20:47,232 --> 00:20:52,752 so then the clock is ticking and you know, countdown is on. 274 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,412 Maybe it's okay. 275 00:20:54,712 --> 00:20:56,412 Two months to go. 276 00:20:56,412 --> 00:21:00,754 30 days, 24, 16, nine. 277 00:21:01,078 --> 00:21:11,709 What was it like for you as the days were going on and you knew that you were going to be able to walk as free as you were going to be? 278 00:21:11,709 --> 00:21:28,186 man that was I prayed I specifically asked where to go because that was a situation where was I going to go when I leave here because this is ultimately where I'm going to be and 279 00:21:28,186 --> 00:21:40,249 in the federal system you don't just get to choose to move somewhere else because it's not working out so like wherever you go you kind of need to you kind of to stay put 280 00:21:40,331 --> 00:21:48,378 And so I had an opportunity to go to Jacksonville, Florida with people that I didn't know and start brand new, or I could go back home to. 281 00:21:48,378 --> 00:21:49,053 uh 282 00:21:49,053 --> 00:21:50,353 me what that means. 283 00:21:50,433 --> 00:21:56,372 So you moved in groups and so, okay, so. 284 00:21:56,372 --> 00:22:06,015 relationship with someone that I had briefly met prior to my arrest who had chosen to stay with me through the journey. 285 00:22:06,156 --> 00:22:12,880 So it wasn't an intimate relationship, but it was kind of an agreement, like I'm here for you. 286 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:14,720 And I said, OK to that. 287 00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:20,034 So when it came time to leaving, I had to give an address and it was either go back home to my family. 288 00:22:20,034 --> 00:22:31,635 to all the things that I know and all the things that I've like worked on, you know, a benefit in that situation for me was that I got to think for myself, I didn't have the 289 00:22:31,635 --> 00:22:36,590 same family origin, expectations, history, like I could be whoever I wanted to be. 290 00:22:36,590 --> 00:22:39,453 And I knew that getting out of prison was going to be the same way. 291 00:22:39,453 --> 00:22:45,538 If I went back home, it's the same person I've always been that my family says that I am. 292 00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:46,578 that I'm not. 293 00:22:46,578 --> 00:22:49,338 Or it's go to a new land. 294 00:22:49,338 --> 00:22:58,758 I think of the Taylor Swift, there's a line in one of her songs where it says the version of me, the version you thought I was, who was she? 295 00:22:58,758 --> 00:23:04,438 And it's like the identities that people attach to other people. 296 00:23:04,438 -->

00:23:15,598 And I could see so much, not only fear, but like deep recognition of what's true for you to say, no, I'm not going to fall into that identity because I see myself as something 297 00:23:15,598 --> 00:23:16,446 different. 298 00:23:16,446 --> 00:23:16,927 Right. 299 00:23:16,927 --> 00:23:24,711 And I'd also worked for eight years to heal parts of myself that were family related. 300 00:23:25,471 --> 00:23:28,292 So I didn't want to go there. 301 00:23:29,712 --> 00:23:34,794 But I had a new opportunity that was just as scary because I didn't know what was going to happen. 302 00:23:34,794 --> 00:23:35,695 I had no idea. 303 00:23:35,695 --> 00:23:39,417 And so I come from a small town and now I'm choosing to go to a large city. 304 00:23:39,417 --> 00:23:42,318 And the things that you hear from people that 305 00:23:42,318 --> 00:23:52,332 end up back in prison that left or like they were late coming back to the halfway house they you know didn't show up somewhere or you know and of course they're more innocent 306 00:23:52,332 --> 00:24:02,187 maybe than they really are based on their story but you know you leave prison thinking my well for me the biggest fear was like my god i never want to come back here i have to do 307 00:24:02,187 --> 00:24:05,348 it all perfectly right and i'm not sure if i can 308 00:24:05,558 --> 00:24:10,320 What if I'm innocently wrong and I get lost or you know, just anything could happen. 309 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:13,041 What if my probation officer is like, nope, that's it. 310 00:24:13,041 --> 00:24:14,392 You're going back, you know? 311 00:24:14,392 --> 00:24:18,373 And so like you live with these fears of not knowing what's going to happen. 312 00:24:18,373 --> 00:24:23,888 And then I'm living in a place with a man who I'm not involved with in that way. 313 00:24:23,888 --> 00:24:26,997 And like, but what if I get there and he changes his mind? 314 00:24:26,997 --> 00:24:29,978 Cause I've had history that says that people do that. 315 00:24:30,918 --> 00:24:30,614 you know, and it's 316 00:24:30,614 --> 00:24:36,228 And what if there's some invisible agreement that you weren't aware of that he's going to have an expectation of you? 317 00:24:36,734 --> 00:24:38,353 Oh gosh. 318 00:24:39,057 --> 00:24:39,547 Yeah. 319 00:24:39,547 --> 00:24:45,237 so getting in that car was that day walking out of prison was incredibly scary. 320 00:24:45,237 --> 00:24:47,872 I remember, I mean I was just shaking, I was so scared. 321 00:24:47,872 --> 00:24:51,019 But I'd already had myself a job before I got out. 322 00:24:51,019 --> 00:24:52,230 Like I really worked hard. 323 00:24:52,230 --> 00:24:54,484 I was like all-star student, man. 324 00:24:54,484 --> 00:24:55,899 I was like all-star prisoner. 325 00:24:55,899 --> 00:25:08,179 I got out, I already had a job, I already had everything lined up, like I was working on getting it all together and so I had a little more security and

control of what was going 326 00:25:08,179 --> 00:25:09,859 on and not having to live with 70. 327 00:25:09,859 --> 00:25:18,760 I was trying to remove the barriers of fear and so I get out, I move in, I have a mantra on my leg. 328 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:31,707 and I am driving now like 30-40 minutes to work to a mall, to public facility, like all the temptations like I have to be at the job, like I can't like go walk around anywhere, 329 00:25:31,707 --> 00:25:36,489 like I'll be in trouble or I'm afraid I will, like it was just a huge fear thing. 330 00:25:36,489 --> 00:25:43,412 I remember like when I went in people still had pagers and only a few people had those big box cell phones. 331 00:25:43,433 --> 00:25:48,004 And when I got out eight years later, so I went in at 24, I got out at 32. 332 00:25:48,004 --> 00:25:50,624 It's almost a whole decade of my life. 333 00:25:50,624 --> 00:25:59,924 And I just remember like the phones, I was like, can you just get me an older phone that has like the keyboard on it? 334 00:25:59,924 --> 00:26:02,564 Because I don't even, this is too much for me. 335 00:26:02,564 --> 00:26:07,524 And then like paying for like gas at the pump. 336 00:26:07,524 --> 00:26:08,504 What? 337 00:26:08,630 --> 00:26:11,282 And then I always used cash for everything. 338 00:26:11,282 --> 00:26:16,874 now everybody has these cards, you know? 339 00:26:16,874 --> 00:26:23,939 And so I didn't know if I was supposed to hand it to the cashier or if there was a box I'm supposed to stick it in. 340 00:26:23,939 --> 00:26:25,339 I don't know how to work it. 341 00:26:25,339 --> 00:26:27,550 Like it was such a big thing. 342 00:26:27,550 --> 00:26:30,001 And my anxiety was so... 343 00:26:30,001 --> 00:26:34,825 Bad, I never had so much anxiety in my life and I didn't know how to deal with all these really big emotions. 344 00:26:34,825 --> 00:26:42,341 Like I learned a lot when I was in prison, but they don't really like, there's nothing that's offered that's like be with this emotion, you know? 345 00:26:42,611 --> 00:26:46,845 And what does that even mean? 346 00:26:47,586 --> 00:26:55,483 Right, and so anyway, I was just doing absolutely the best that I could and I would come home and just like, 347 00:26:55,483 --> 00:26:59,465 cry, lay in the bed, you know, like nauseous. 348 00:26:59,465 --> 00:27:03,306 It was, was really intense. 349 00:27:03,306 --> 00:27:10,627 And how I got through that is I don't even know honestly, being out is you have more options. 350 00:27:10,627 --> 00:27:12,838 Being free is you have more options. 351 00:27:12,838 --> 00:27:20,030 And when you've been limited with options for a long time and you get used to that, you don't know how to live with a lot of options. 352 00:27:20,030 --> 00:27:21,550 And it's scary. 353 00:27:21,718 --> 00:27:26,221 And something else that happened to me is when I got arrested, I stopped bleeding. 354 00:27:26,221 --> 00:27:28,002 I stopped having my moon cycle. 355 00:27:28,002 --> 00:27:29,662 My body shut down. 356 00:27:29,883 --> 00:27:35,646 Six years in, I had my hormones tested, my blood tested, my hormone levels, and everything came back normal. 357 00:27:35,646 --> 00:27:38,758 I knew they were, but the PA wanted to give it a check. 358 00:27:38,758 --> 00:27:44,110 And anyway, six months before I got out, my body started activating again. 359 00:27:44,311 --> 00:27:50,618 Six months before I got out, my mind started turning on and remembering and having cravings. 360 00:27:50,618 --> 00:27:55,122 for things that like I smoked cigarettes and I was totally against it. 361 00:27:55,122 --> 00:28:03,710 I turned my whole life around 180 degrees to exercising now and leading classes and I'm just like this healthy super, super healthy person. 362 00:28:03,811 --> 00:28:05,679 I'm never gonna do that stuff again. 363 00:28:05,679 --> 00:28:09,276 And then like months before I get out, my body is like craving it. 364 00:28:09,276 --> 00:28:14,140 And it's so interesting like how the body remembers. 365 00:28:14,140 --> 00:28:16,882 And now you've got all of that coming up again. 366 00:28:16,940 --> 00:28:18,551 And you don't know how to deal with that. 367 00:28:18,551 --> 00:28:26,488 You don't know, you know, and then you've still got a probation and community service and a job to go to and a new city and a new place. 368 00:28:26,488 --> 00:28:29,039 And it's overwhelming. 369 00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:30,900 It's overwhelming. 370 00:28:31,181 --> 00:28:31,682 Yeah. 371 00:28:31,682 --> 00:28:35,086 And then how, so how long was that probationary period? 372 00:28:35,086 --> 00:28:38,842 It's just that liminal space between being free and not free at all. 373 00:28:38,842 --> 00:28:49,286 So I had a monitor for six months on my leg and that was go where you say you're going, which is work and back and you have enough time to stop and get gas or whatever. 374 00:28:49,286 --> 00:28:51,447 Like there's no time, extra time. 375 00:28:51,447 --> 00:28:56,131 You go there and back and even at your home, I was so afraid to even walk outside the house. 376 00:28:56,131 --> 00:29:02,415 The probation officer I had initially was really strict and so it was basically like confined to the house. 377 00:29:02,415 --> 00:29:04,227 Got that off after six months. 378 00:29:04,227 --> 00:29:06,581 and started to venture out a little bit. 379 00:29:06,581 --> 00:29:10,205 And I had a five-year sentence of probation. 380 00:29:10,205 --> 00:29:17,751 And in the federal, like when they sentence your probationary period, that's just as much a part of your sentence. 381 00:29:17,812 --> 00:29:26,299 And so if you have a lesser, like you have to actually petition the courts to ask if you can have less probation period. 382 00:29:26,594 --> 00:29:29,025 Most people don't ever even ask, but I did. 383 00:29:29,025 --> 00:29:30,827 I wanted off of paper. 384

00:29:30,827 --> 00:29:32,169 I wanted to be free. 385 00:29:32,169 --> 00:29:42,696 And so I had, you know, friends and people had known me, employers, everybody write letters on my behalf and the judge granted it at two and a half years. 386 00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:48,581 Yeah, it was also scary. 387 00:29:49,041 --> 00:29:50,863 Yeah, yeah. 388 00:29:50,863 --> 00:29:52,604 When I got arrested, 389 00:29:52,716 --> 00:29:54,377 and they brought me the paperwork. 390 00:29:54,377 --> 00:30:03,794 was one of the things that really got me the most was this sheet of paper that says the United States of America versus Misty Ray McCray. 391 00:30:03,794 --> 00:30:08,347 It like the entire government, the entire country. 392 00:30:08,347 --> 00:30:10,888 I felt so insignificant. 393 00:30:10,888 --> 00:30:14,469 And then I heard God say, baby. 394 00:30:14,469 --> 00:30:17,620 I got you and I'm way bigger than that, you know? 395 00:30:17,620 --> 00:30:19,481 So I was like, okay. 396 00:30:19,641 --> 00:30:31,506 And then to get at the end of it all after the probation and to be released early and to get a letter from the judge who sentenced you saying you are released. 397 00:30:31,747 --> 00:30:35,509 It was, yeah, that was, that was a sigh of relief. 398 00:30:35,650 --> 00:30:40,803 But I still for years, it's so funny because I just thought about this just a couple of days ago. 399 00:30:40,803 --> 00:30:42,224 It's only been very recently. 400 00:30:42,224 --> 00:30:45,366 I've been out since November 2012. 401 00:30:45,366 --> 00:30:59,477 So for 13 years now, and it has just been recently, like very recently, like this year, like months that if I see blue lights, I'm not startled. 402 00:30:59,477 --> 00:31:06,562 Like my internal system doesn't seize up when I see a cop pass by or, you know, like, 403 00:31:06,801 --> 00:31:21,178 I'm finally like There's a whole new part of my story that I just completely have relived that story in my own personal life in a different way With motherhood Like I totally Wow, 404 00:31:21,178 --> 00:31:28,769 like I prayed for this baby and two years later I got pregnant and then motherhood has been alone 405 00:31:28,769 --> 00:31:33,182 and dysfunction inside my family unit with just me and my husband. 406 00:31:33,182 --> 00:31:39,217 We had some previous issues that weren't addressed and so he's my only support. 407 00:31:39,217 --> 00:31:50,685 We don't have like other people keeping the baby and so for three solid years now it's just been me and the baby and trying to work a job and trying to be in the community or 408 00:31:50,685 --> 00:31:55,608 just like anything and so I and I literally this year 409 00:31:55,935 --> 00:31:57,466 just died all over again. 410 00:31:57,466 --> 00:32:03,252 was having sensations in my head and I didn't know what they were, where they were coming from. 411 00:32:03,252 --> 00:32:03,988 And 412 00:32:03,988 --> 00:32:06,829 sensations as in like actual feeling. 413 00:32:06,829 --> 00:32:13,032 Yeah, and so October a year ago, my mother-in-law passed away with an aneurysm. 414 00:32:13,032 --> 00:32:16,413 And so I'm having all these crazy sensations out of nowhere. 415 00:32:16,413 --> 00:32:19,925 And so that's just still been on, you know, our hearts. 416 00:32:19,925 --> 00:32:25,327 And so I'm like, I get in my head and I'm like, my God, am I like having an aneurysm? 417 00:32:25,327 --> 00:32:27,307 Am I like having some brain stuff? 418 00:32:27,307 --> 00:32:28,219 Like what's going on? 419 00:32:28,219 --> 00:32:31,900 But it was a moment where it was, 420 00:32:32,281 --> 00:32:36,782 I was feeling like I was gonna lose consciousness for like an hour at a time. 421 00:32:36,782 --> 00:32:47,537 And this was happening day after day and I ended up getting my levels checked at the hospital and long story short is like six months ago, I had the big question, do you wanna 422 00:32:47,537 --> 00:32:49,367 live or die? 423 00:32:49,367 --> 00:32:51,590 And it was like, I wanna live. 424 00:32:51,590 --> 00:32:55,708 Actually, this is probably when you and I met 425 00:32:55,708 --> 00:32:57,799 And some of that, was the beginning of it. 426 00:32:57,799 --> 00:33:04,124 um And it was at that time that I was, I feel like I had been dying up into that point. 427 00:33:04,124 --> 00:33:13,209 Like just depleted and nonstop, just like not caring for myself, not even knowing how to anymore or what that even meant. 428 00:33:13,270 --> 00:33:17,672 And everything just, this has been a realization is like, feel so depleted. 429 00:33:17,793 --> 00:33:20,200 And so six months ago, I was like, 430 00:33:20,200 --> 00:33:22,131 All right, I wanna live, I wanna live. 431 00:33:22,131 --> 00:33:27,116 And so that's when I got up and I was like, okay, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna figure it out. 432 00:33:27,116 --> 00:33:33,844 Like, because I feel like I just had the complete wind knocked out of me over a couple of years of mothering alone. 433 00:33:33,844 --> 00:33:37,368 And I was also still like vegetarian closer to vegan. 434 00:33:37,368 --> 00:33:43,633 And I just, you know, I just feel like I just wasn't nourished, you know, the relationship, everything. 435 00:33:43,633 --> 00:33:44,614 And so, 436 00:33:44,912 --> 00:33:48,966 It was at that point I thought, I'm going to choose to live and everything's going to get better. 437 00:33:48,966 --> 00:34:00,157 And it was like, no, you needed to make a firm decision because now you really got to face a bunch of things that you haven't let your body feel. 438 00:34:00,157 --> 00:34:04,321 And so I went through this huge like six months of like feeling. 439 00:34:04,321 --> 00:34:08,655 I've felt every emotion and now I am like genuinely 440 00:34:08,655 --> 00:34:20,301 I am noticing myself, I'm like in the kitchen and I don't have the same, like I'll hear a loop in my head about something that I would have

previously worried about and I just 441 00:34:20,301 --> 00:34:25,523 witnessed it and it just, it's like it goes away and I'm like, okay. 442 00:34:26,366 --> 00:34:27,126 Isn't it so funny? 443 00:34:27,126 --> 00:34:31,189 Like our feelings when we allow them, they float. 444 00:34:31,189 --> 00:34:32,690 It's 90 seconds. 445 00:34:32,690 --> 00:34:37,202 And if you just sit with them, they pass through and you can acknowledge them. 446 00:34:37,202 --> 00:34:40,934 You can feel them and and then move forward. 447 00:34:52,971 --> 00:34:42,848 here's something that that. 448 00:34:42,848 --> 00:34:52,443 something that I think is really interesting is that when we are aware that we're in a prison, it's easier to understand. 449 00:34:52,443 --> 00:34:54,604 Okay, I have to get through this. 450 00:34:54,604 --> 00:34:58,277 Here are the tools I'm going to utilize one day at a time. 451 00:34:58,457 --> 00:35:03,800 And in many ways, our society has structured. 452 00:35:04,028 --> 00:35:08,182 And you could tell me to go fuck myself because I haven't been in prison and all those things. 453 00:35:08,182 --> 00:35:10,523 Sorry, you're so disturbing. 454 00:35:10,704 --> 00:35:11,724 But it's like. 455 00:35:11,812 --> 00:35:20,575 And then you think about like all these other prisons that we actually are living in in society and that the walls aren't visible, but they're there. 456 00:35:20,575 --> 00:35:27,657 So, for example, mothering alone, that is a a prison in some ways. 457 00:35:27,997 --> 00:35:37,111 And then thinking about like corporate America and having to have a job and pay to be alive and all those things, it's a prison. 458 00:35:37,111 --> 00:35:49,376 And when we start to acknowledge where we are, when we acknowledge the confines, it's almost like that is when we can find the steps to get out. 459 00:35:49,376 --> 00:35:51,197 So being really radically honest. 460 00:35:51,197 --> 00:35:56,919 The prison that you were in, it was obvious and literal. 461 00:35:57,019 --> 00:36:03,421 But for the prison that you found yourself in later, it had to be acknowledged. 462 00:36:03,421 --> 00:36:03,946 Mm-hmm. 463 00:36:03,946 --> 00:36:15,700 You had to hit the bottom and then had to start to find those same, maybe the same tools, find something to be positive about every day and start to navigate back home to yourself. 464 00:36:15,700 --> 00:36:17,873 So how does that land with you? 465 00:36:17,873 --> 00:36:20,796 That was all coming up for me while you were talking. 466 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:26,250 So what I realized really big about the prisons that we 467 00:36:26,250 --> 00:36:32,205 find ourselves in, put ourselves in, are in, is to someone it could be cancer. 468 00:36:32,205 --> 00:36:37,107 To someone it might be a divorce, a death of their child or a close family member. 469 00:36:37,107 --> 00:36:40,788 For me it was a physical prison. 470 00:36:40,788 --> 00:36:44,440 And going through that physical experience in that way, 471 00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:51,495 I see more clearly in myself and in others where we box ourselves in. 472 00:36:57,159 --> 00:36:56,912 we get the opportunity to say this is where we are in our lives every single day. 473 00:36:57,013 --> 00:37:06,120 And when there's bigger things, you know, like recently I woke up and, you know, realized that I'm just being negative and where, 474 00:37:06,162 --> 00:37:09,755 like earlier this year, it's like I had gotten so depleted. 475 00:37:09,755 --> 00:37:11,718 I didn't do it on purpose. 476 00:37:11,758 --> 00:37:13,720 I wasn't doing that on purpose. 477 00:37:13,720 --> 00:37:22,825 But you know, I'd gotten more grim and darker and felt more depleted and woke up and was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, what am I doing? 478 00:37:22,825 --> 00:37:24,726 What am I going to do about this? 479 00:37:24,726 --> 00:37:31,440 You know, and I, and it's, it's that way in life with all of us and all of our things, you know, 480 00:37:31,797 --> 00:37:44,837 we are every day we get to choose and this is where i'm at right now is this choice that i'm making right now depleting me or nourishing me is this person depleting me or 481 00:37:44,837 --> 00:37:54,163 nourishing me if this is this strength depleting me or nourishing me is this rest depleting me or nourishing me like 482 00:37:54,163 --> 00:38:03,889 And I think right now I'm really landing because that's really big for me is We could say is it right or wrong is it good or bad is it which one's most best right? 483 00:38:03,889 --> 00:38:13,479 You know, maybe it's a rock and a hard place, but it's like With every decision and it doesn't matter how far down you are and sometimes we do have to hit the rock bottom before 484 00:38:13,479 --> 00:38:15,455 we are willing to m 485 00:38:15,455 --> 00:38:19,282 see how far, how bad it really is. 486 00:38:19,525 --> 00:38:23,108 Well, the universe just keeps getting louder. 487 00:38:23,705 --> 00:38:28,373 So if you don't pay attention, it's going to wallop you over the head one day. 488 00:38:28,905 --> 00:38:39,126 So my question to you is, what advice do you have for people who are navigating a prison, literal or situational? 489 00:38:39,126 --> 00:38:40,109 It's all inside. 490 00:38:40,109 --> 00:38:41,362 It's an inside job. 491 00:38:41,362 --> 00:38:48,149 I believe in my own personal experience that we are the creators of our reality. 492 00:38:48,149 --> 00:38:56,929 And sometimes it's really, really, really, really hard to admit to ourselves that we had a part, that we're not just the victim. 493 00:38:56,929 --> 00:39:04,975 And sometimes that's really hard, but once we can make that decision, we are gaining our power back to do something about it. 494 00:39:04,975 --> 00:39:05,835 So, 495 00:39:05,917 --> 00:39:14,237 Maybe you are looking at 45 years or maybe you are looking at something that terrifies you by accepting where you are.

496 00:39:14,237 --> 00:39:23,868 But once you say, all right, I played a part in this or I am in on this, what do I want to do about it? 497 00:39:24,128 --> 00:39:26,888 And your choices might be limited today. 498 00:39:26,888 --> 00:39:32,968 But if you choose the best decision today for yourself, then you can do that every day. 499 00:39:32,968 --> 00:39:34,548 And before you know it, 500 00:39:34,548 --> 00:39:36,198 your life won't look the same anymore. 501 00:39:36,198 --> 00:39:43,253 you can literally change your situation just by searching and seeking within yourself. 502 00:39:43,253 --> 00:39:49,027 You know, it's, it's really getting honest with yourself and choosing what you want. 503 00:39:49,027 --> 00:39:55,271 You can stay mad, you can stay hurt, you can stay the victim, or you can choose to express 504 00:39:55,273 --> 00:39:56,465 in healthy way hopefully. 505 00:39:56,465 --> 00:40:05,533 Some of that, those tears or that anger, that grief, you can feel it, you can let it consume you and you can go within. 506 00:40:05,533 --> 00:40:10,226 You can let it burn you all the way up, but what's gonna be left is the beauty. 507 00:40:10,226 --> 00:40:14,869 You can choose joy, you can choose life, you can, we all can. 508 00:40:15,611 --> 00:40:28,687 And then when we hold up the piece of silver, see our own reflection, the image of God by which we were created. 509 00:40:28,786 --> 00:40:31,416 The purity are innocence. 510 00:40:31,428 --> 00:40:38,832 So now you're a mom, you've navigated all of this, you're figuring out what's next for you. 511 00:40:38,832 --> 00:40:42,425 And as we were talking before the show started about 512 00:40:42,425 --> 00:40:45,607 motherhood and its limitations and all those things. 513 00:40:45,607 --> 00:40:50,209 For us, many prison, it's it looks one way. 514 00:40:50,209 --> 00:40:52,511 We all understand sort of what this looks like. 515 00:40:52,511 --> 00:40:57,393 And motherhood, we've been told that it looks one way and we all understand what this looks like. 516 00:40:57,393 --> 00:40:58,614 It's the pregnancy glow. 517 00:40:58,614 --> 00:41:01,856 It's the the love. 518 00:41:01,856 --> 00:41:07,148 It's the cute little chubby hands and, you know, all of the stuff. 519 00:41:07,148 --> 00:41:11,826 But what we haven't been told about are all of the bits in between. 520 00:41:11,826 --> 00:41:23,931 the human part of motherhood where you have to unbecome all that you were and become all that you are while simultaneously like keeping someone else alive and navigating the 521 00:41:23,931 --> 00:41:24,272 world. 522 00:41:24,272 --> 00:41:35,483 And I don't believe that motherhood was meant to be done alone and the way that society has been, we've got these households and there's roles within the households and we're all 523 00:41:35,483 --> 00:41:37,583 sort of navigating this separately. 524 00:41:37,583 --> 00:41:38,056 Mm-hmm. 525 00:41:38,056 --> 00:41:45,038 you that some of my most fun nights in motherhood are when my best friend comes over with her kids and then we can take turns. 526 00:41:45,038 --> 00:41:46,328 The kids are entertaining each other. 527 00:41:46,328 --> 00:41:50,030 They learn from each other and we're in it together. 528 00:41:50,030 --> 00:41:56,895 And one of the most important tools that I've used is human design. 529 00:41:56,895 --> 00:42:04,797 And that's helped me to figure out one, like understanding myself more has allowed me to break the mold. 530 00:42:04,797 --> 00:42:13,722 because I don't understand a lot of the way that society has been structured when we really get to brass tacks about it. 531 00:42:13,722 --> 00:42:18,304 I don't understand the image of mother that has been pitched to us. 532 00:42:18,304 --> 00:42:28,410 So when I stopped and exactly like you said, looked inward, it's all in me, started to understand myself and get to know myself more, where I make decisions, how I understand 533 00:42:28,410 --> 00:42:34,429 things, what I need to do to recharge, that information was so empowering for me to take. 534 00:42:34,429 --> 00:42:48,178 the next step forward to kind of like unlock the gates of my own life, in everything so that I could show up exactly as I am all the time unapologetically. 535 00:42:48,619 --> 00:42:55,424 So tell me how human design has helped you come back home to yourself in motherhood and otherwise. 536 00:42:55,818 --> 00:43:04,863 Yeah, so I think for me, I learned about myself and the human design sort of briefly and I'm a projector. 537 00:43:05,223 --> 00:43:07,624 So that started making a lot of sense. 538 00:43:07,624 --> 00:43:08,864 It's like, okay. 539 00:43:08,864 --> 00:43:14,749 And so learning that I needed to wait for the invite and all of my relationships was helpful. 540 00:43:14,749 --> 00:43:20,672 But just very recently, I have graduated to unlocking 541 00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:24,919 the emotional inner authority, which is 542 00:43:24,919 --> 00:43:27,951 I believe in my opinion a huge part of what I'm doing on the planet. 543 00:43:27,951 --> 00:43:35,105 And so as you say like, you know, how would someone, how do I work with someone or how, does that look like? 544 00:43:35,185 --> 00:43:36,647 It's, I'm the projector. 545 00:43:36,647 --> 00:43:39,248 So what people give me is a mirror. 546 00:43:39,248 --> 00:43:41,629 You know, I'm able to project that. 547 00:43:41,629 --> 00:43:43,079 I'm able to see. 548 00:43:43,079 --> 00:43:45,371 I'm also very intuitive and I have 549 00:43:45,553 --> 00:43:59,036 I'm Pisine and like water all kind of fire in my chart and so like I am a strong personality but all my life I was I showed up strong because I am a Leo son so people 550 00:43:59,036 --> 00:44:08,386 thought I was confidence when I was shaking in my boots but it was when I hit motherhood that I was stripped in ways that I've never been 551 00:44:08,654 -->

00:44:20,185 Stripped before not even a prison sentence did it because there was no one else to care for it could just it was just me and then when it came like I felt so weak and 552 00:44:20,448 --> 00:44:26,923 I went back and learned a little more about the human design and still have so much more to discover there. 553 00:44:26,923 --> 00:44:36,361 But I now understand that the phase that I'm in is I have literally like started to peer in, unlock and open the door of my inner authority. 554 00:44:36,361 --> 00:44:44,872 And I'm learning now how to be that in a society that once wronged me for being free. 555 00:44:44,872 --> 00:44:45,467 gosh. 556 00:44:45,467 --> 00:44:57,564 It's like a true full circle right now in my life where I know when I was making decisions like to drive the drug dealer somewhere that I was breaking the law, but had codes. 557 00:44:57,564 --> 00:44:58,633 I wasn't gonna... 558 00:44:58,633 --> 00:45:07,268 allow a first-time user, a pregnant woman, somebody under 18, nobody ever in my presence was able to use any drugs like that, never. 559 00:45:07,268 --> 00:45:18,601 I thought I was a good human, and so when I got arrested, and it was such a huge, hefty consequence, that I still believe with all my heart, will forever believe that I prayed. 560 00:45:18,696 --> 00:45:29,105 for help and that's how it came to me but there's still the human aspect like it's like the spirit knows but there's still the human and the body and so I'm unlocking I let 561 00:45:29,105 --> 00:45:41,957 myself like I truly died and like went there this year it was what my body has needed to be free again because after some of that happening I feel like I literally just unlocked 562 00:45:41,957 --> 00:45:44,066 some of that trauma from prison 563 00:45:44,066 --> 00:45:49,101 I've just been dealing with life since I got out and I actually felt into all of that. 564 00:45:49,101 --> 00:46:01,997 And so the inner authority to say like, I'm a mom, that's how it is, or whatever it is to just be able to be authentic and be myself and then working with people is, well. 565 00:46:01,997 --> 00:46:02,877 It's all of that. 566 00:46:02,877 --> 00:46:13,404 It's showing up and holding space for someone else, asking good questions for them to discover their own truth, and just really discovering for themselves, like how to be 567 00:46:13,404 --> 00:46:14,054 authentic. 568 00:46:14,054 --> 00:46:17,447 And that's, as long as we're doing that, we're in that. 569 00:46:17,447 --> 00:46:27,083 We're in the channel when we are true to ourselves, our truth of who we are, not our trauma, not true to our trauma, not true to our stories that 570 00:46:27,083 --> 00:46:32,247 not true to the mental, but like true to our authenticity. 571 00:46:32,247 --> 00:46:33,377 It's our God nature. 572 00:46:33,377 --> 00:46:34,138 It's the love. 573 00:46:34,138 --> 00:46:36,359 It's the source of all that is. 574 00:46:36,359 --> 00:46:46,900

It's like when we're true to that and living by that, there's nothing that could ever not be the best thing that ever happened to us, even when it hurts like hell, like a prison 575 00:46:46,900 --> 00:46:47,511 sentence. 576 00:46:47,511 --> 00:46:48,411 Wow. 577 00:46:48,732 --> 00:46:59,139 And I think it's an important thing to note too, is that even like your mindset and everything that took you through the prison system and knowing that you needed a reset, 578 00:46:59,139 --> 00:47:10,395 surrendering to the experience, being positive, supporting other people and all of those things, that even still after that, you had to enter a society where it goes into high 579 00:47:10,395 --> 00:47:11,845 gear survival mode. 580 00:47:11,845 --> 00:47:14,687 You have to pay the bills, you have to do this and this. 581 00:47:14,687 --> 00:47:16,804 And so your life went on and on. 582 00:47:16,804 --> 00:47:23,424 and you didn't have the space or the safety to fully process all of the grief of the whole experience. 583 00:47:23,424 --> 00:47:28,364 Cause you've been in survival mode since August, 2005. 584 00:47:28,684 --> 00:47:35,224 And then now your body released it so that you can access a deeper layer of truth. 585 00:47:35,224 --> 00:47:43,744 And I almost view this like a cycle and you're spinning onward and people think that growth is linear or if you think that growth is linear, like you wrong. 586 00:47:43,790 --> 00:47:44,885 It's a barrel. 587 00:47:44,885 --> 00:47:53,691 it is a, yeah, it is a spiral and, and just the fact that you acknowledge that, yes, everything that you had got you to this moment. 588 00:47:53,691 --> 00:48:05,736 And then once you found one, like a safe community of women and more trust in yourself, finding similar language to identify all the things that you went through and additional 589 00:48:05,736 --> 00:48:08,877 tools at that point, you could set this down. 590 00:48:08,933 --> 00:48:12,065 so glad that you were here and that you joined today. 591 00:48:12,065 --> 00:48:17,519 And I have one question for you because I know you've got a kid with an iPad and I've got to go to a kindergarten party. 592 00:48:19,660 --> 00:48:21,181 Real life in, baby. 593 00:48:22,150 --> 00:48:25,339 What are you doing today to show up unapologetically? 594 00:48:25,425 --> 00:48:29,629 I'm doing what's right for me, even when nobody else understands that. 595 00:48:29,629 --> 00:48:31,271 and it's okay. 596 00:48:35,614 --> 00:48:41,324 yeah so Instagram she became the way is my handle 597 00:48:41,324 --> 00:48:53,418 and you can look me up Misty McCray on Facebook and she became the way at gmail.com is always a personal way to just send me an email if you're ever interested in reaching out 598 00:48:53,418 --> 00:48:53,905 and 599 00:48:53,905 --> 00:49:06,785 I hope that you continue to tell your story and I hope you continue to tell the story of all of the women that you've touched over the course of your journey because you are truly 600 00:49:06,785 --> 00:49:11,265 an earth angel and God put you there for a reason. 601 00:49:11,265 --> 00:49:13,665 It's almost like you knew it all along. 602 00:49:13,691 --> 00:49:17,291 Yeah, thank you Ashley. 603 00:49:17,710 --> 00:49:30,468 I have plans of starting a podcast myself and some of the people I want to interview, some of the most important people are the ones that I spent prison time with. 604 00:49:30,468 --> 00:49:35,739 People who I just admired for, you know, had been there for 28 years already. 605 00:49:35,739 --> 00:49:41,401 and I watched them living their life there, you know, and just remarkable human beings. 606 00:49:41,401 --> 00:49:44,440 so that'll be coming as well. 607 00:49:45,872 --> 00:49:48,542 yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm doing it. 608 00:49:48,542 --> 00:49:49,620 I'm doing it for sure. 609 00:49:49,620 --> 00:49:57,794 I wanna, you know, just have some really great conversations because I believe that how we remember is through stories. 610 00:49:57,794 --> 00:50:00,830 And it's like when someone hears my story, 611 00:50:00,830 --> 00:50:05,233 what they take from it is something that is the part of the story for them. 612 00:50:05,233 --> 00:50:07,385 That's their piece that they need. 613 00:50:07,385 --> 00:50:12,449 And, you know, we're all connecting in stories and in words. 614 00:50:12,449 --> 00:50:25,279 it's also, I don't like to use the word healing, but, you know, it's very nurturing, I think, for ourselves to be able to share our own medicine, our own journey, and how much 615 00:50:25,279 --> 00:50:28,601 we get out of it just from sharing it, much less what 616 00:50:28,601 --> 00:50:30,173 others are receiving. 617 00:50:30,173 --> 00:50:38,743 And so I really appreciate you having me on today and just being a bright light in my life and and many others. 618 00:50:38,743 --> 00:50:41,506 And thank you so, so much, Ashley. 619 00:50:42,572 --> 00:50:44,453 The feeling is quite mutual. 620 00:50:44,453 --> 00:50:48,125 I'm so glad that our paths crossed and I can't wait to see where you go. 621 00:50:48,125 --> 00:50:52,504 So for all of those listening in, give Misty a follow. 622 00:50:52,504 --> 00:50:56,775 I know that you are going to hear her name over and over and over again. 623 00:50:56,775 --> 00:51:02,750 And can't wait to see what you do with your story because the ripple of it is just incredible. 624 00:51:02,750 --> 00:51:05,570 I could talk with you all day and ask you a thousand questions. 625 00:51:05,770 --> 00:51:12,726 But thank you for sharing your magic with For those of you tuning in, please like, follow, comment, share and 626 00:51:12,726 --> 00:51:23,680 send me an email at hello at Ashley D Logan comm we want to hear from you or follow along on Instagram at Ashley D Logan comm or at unapologetically yours podcast. 627 00:51:23,680 --> 00:51:24,761 I'm Ashley. 628 00:51:24,761 --> 00:51:30,478 This is Misty and until next time we are unapologetically yours.