TRANSKRIBEERI 🔗
WEBVTT
1
00:00:01.330 --> 00:00:05.669
Well, recently I was thinking about my own thought processes,
2
00:00:06.070 --> 00:00:11.009
the ones that keep me or lead me back to
3
00:00:11.070 --> 00:00:14.539
the thoughts of returning to porn. And as I think
4
00:00:14.619 --> 00:00:18.100
about it, maybe they may mirror some of the thoughts
5
00:00:18.280 --> 00:00:22.420
you have, some of maybe the mind drift that you have,
6
00:00:22.980 --> 00:00:27.320
or the thoughts that lead you back to porn. Perhaps
7
00:00:27.379 --> 00:00:29.460
the insights that I offer you today could be of
8
00:00:29.600 --> 00:00:32.890
use to you, maybe by the end of this podcast,
9
00:00:33.030 --> 00:00:37.189
you're thinking, you know what, Vern, that's just you. So
10
00:00:37.469 --> 00:00:40.070
I guess we'll find out about that after the break,
11
00:00:40.109 --> 00:00:40.850
which one it is.
12
00:00:41.229 --> 00:00:42.030
So welcome aboard.
13
00:00:52.859 --> 00:00:56.780
When it comes to porn, are you stuck spinning out
14
00:00:57.140 --> 00:01:01.520
or slipping backwards in your life? If so, then welcome
15
00:01:01.659 --> 00:01:05.879
to the Finding Traction podcast, a show dedicated to those
16
00:01:05.939 --> 00:01:09.799
who are looking to gain recovery momentum away from porn
17
00:01:10.180 --> 00:01:15.109
and toward the life and relationships they have always hoped for. Now,
18
00:01:15.469 --> 00:01:22.370
here's your host, Vern Tompke.
19
00:01:22.969 --> 00:01:26.810
Well, before I get into today's idea around Mind Drift,
20
00:01:26.829 --> 00:01:29.489
let me just say we have a brand new finding
21
00:01:29.530 --> 00:01:33.180
traction group that is happening this fall. It's the fall
22
00:01:33.200 --> 00:01:37.420
of 2026 and the leaves are falling, but maybe you
23
00:01:37.500 --> 00:01:40.459
are tired of falling and you're saying, you know what?
24
00:01:40.939 --> 00:01:43.019
I need to get into a group, a group of
25
00:01:43.420 --> 00:01:47.849
committed guys, motivated guys that want to seriously and permanently
26
00:01:48.250 --> 00:01:52.030
put porn in the rear view mirror. And what we
27
00:01:52.069 --> 00:01:56.430
do offer is a 52 week video finding traction course.
28
00:01:57.390 --> 00:02:00.519
I lead the group. We walk through the material together.
29
00:02:01.239 --> 00:02:04.780
We stay connected with each other on WhatsApp throughout the week.
30
00:02:05.280 --> 00:02:08.860
And many, many guys are finding this is a great
31
00:02:08.919 --> 00:02:11.819
way for me to turn the corner on what has
32
00:02:11.879 --> 00:02:17.129
become embedded, problematic use of porn in my life. So
33
00:02:17.169 --> 00:02:19.289
if you're looking for hope for the first full year
34
00:02:19.330 --> 00:02:23.270
of porn recovery, please reach out to me. My email
35
00:02:23.389 --> 00:02:30.180
is bandofbrothers.care at gmail.com. There's also a link in your
36
00:02:30.219 --> 00:02:33.280
show notes, uh, about the circle platform. It's a way
37
00:02:33.319 --> 00:02:36.080
that you can get access to all sorts of free
38
00:02:36.180 --> 00:02:39.189
resources that I've prepared, you know, that I've made over
39
00:02:39.210 --> 00:02:42.969
the last five, six years. And also you can watch
40
00:02:43.009 --> 00:02:46.150
the first lesson, uh, the first two lessons of the
41
00:02:46.189 --> 00:02:49.810
finding traction course, the video course, uh, there on the
42
00:02:49.849 --> 00:02:53.569
circle platform as well for free. All right, well, let's
43
00:02:53.610 --> 00:02:58.610
get into this idea of mind drift and, uh, I
44
00:02:58.650 --> 00:03:02.110
guess recently I had a bit of an epiphany as
45
00:03:02.210 --> 00:03:07.469
I was examining my thoughts, you know, around returning to porn.
46
00:03:08.509 --> 00:03:11.400
And let me set the, you know, let me give
47
00:03:11.439 --> 00:03:14.099
you the setting here for how I had this epiphany.
48
00:03:14.780 --> 00:03:18.400
Now I am an empty nester. All my kids have
49
00:03:18.419 --> 00:03:18.900
left home.
50
00:03:20.280 --> 00:03:22.689
And one of the things that I like to do
51
00:03:23.150 --> 00:03:25.909
just for enjoyment or my spare time is.
52
00:03:25.830 --> 00:03:28.840
Play video games. I'm not too old to play video games.
53
00:03:29.759 --> 00:03:33.879
Uh, and I could even play violent or semi-violent video
54
00:03:33.900 --> 00:03:39.009
games because I don't have young boys looking over my shoulder.
55
00:03:39.389 --> 00:03:42.750
Dad, you know, they're killing a person. All right.
56
00:03:42.770 --> 00:03:46.030
Uh, one of my favorite games is Assassin's Creed. I'm
57
00:03:46.069 --> 00:03:48.569
playing right now. Not that I don't play the game.
58
00:03:48.889 --> 00:03:51.430
That's got three letters that start with G. Um, if
59
00:03:51.449 --> 00:03:56.439
you're wondering, but, uh, I am, uh, uh, really enjoying
60
00:03:56.500 --> 00:04:00.300
that as something I just do in my spare time. Now, uh,
61
00:04:00.479 --> 00:04:02.560
one of the things I do is I use my
62
00:04:02.620 --> 00:04:05.680
PS five. I'm out here in my room and, uh,
63
00:04:05.840 --> 00:04:08.569
it's a separate room and you know, it's where I
64
00:04:08.590 --> 00:04:12.169
do my podcast and it's where I play my video games. And, uh,
65
00:04:12.330 --> 00:04:16.379
in order to use my PS five, uh, my wife
66
00:04:16.500 --> 00:04:20.319
has to type the password in on the controller. which
67
00:04:20.430 --> 00:04:25.149
means that I only get to play video games when
68
00:04:25.189 --> 00:04:25.610
she's home.
69
00:04:26.470 --> 00:04:26.790
All right.
70
00:04:26.829 --> 00:04:28.470
And that goes back to a whole bunch of other
71
00:04:28.490 --> 00:04:32.410
tools that you will have heard from me in older episodes.
72
00:04:32.550 --> 00:04:33.290
You tracking with me?
73
00:04:33.329 --> 00:04:35.730
Yeah. So that's what I do. She comes in. I
74
00:04:36.060 --> 00:04:38.879
want
Load full transcript
to play my video game. She comes in, types
75
00:04:38.899 --> 00:04:40.720
the password in, goes back out.
76
00:04:41.120 --> 00:04:41.439
All right.
77
00:04:42.019 --> 00:04:46.379
Now, here is what I've noticed. She types the password in.
78
00:04:47.540 --> 00:04:51.589
She leaves the room. And what is the very first
79
00:04:51.990 --> 00:04:59.709
thought that I have? Well, Vern, perhaps I could use
80
00:05:00.149 --> 00:05:05.319
this time to check out YouTube, which is on here,
81
00:05:06.620 --> 00:05:11.360
or even the internet. And it's the very first thought
82
00:05:11.740 --> 00:05:15.860
that I have. Maybe you noticed a thought like that.
83
00:05:15.920 --> 00:05:18.540
Here's another one I've noticed that I've heard guys say
84
00:05:18.600 --> 00:05:22.480
to me. You know, whenever my wife types in the
85
00:05:23.519 --> 00:05:27.829
screen time password, let's say I have to update an
86
00:05:28.050 --> 00:05:31.149
app or there's a banking or an airline app or
87
00:05:31.189 --> 00:05:34.410
something that I got to download. My very first thought
88
00:05:34.470 --> 00:05:38.810
is this, you know what? I could right now download
89
00:05:39.050 --> 00:05:43.069
another app that won't be filtered or, you know, that
90
00:05:43.129 --> 00:05:48.410
I can go around screen time with. I think that
91
00:05:48.470 --> 00:05:51.490
experience with the guys I hang out.
92
00:05:51.850 --> 00:05:52.610
Is pretty common.
93
00:05:53.790 --> 00:05:58.089
So this is where my epiphany started. And my epiphany
94
00:05:58.129 --> 00:06:04.310
was this, this is where my acting out starts. And
95
00:06:04.389 --> 00:06:08.949
I think that there is a very subtle mind drift
96
00:06:09.889 --> 00:06:15.120
that many of us don't recognize because it's so subtle.
97
00:06:16.269 --> 00:06:20.470
And it slowly but surely moves us towards acting out.
98
00:06:21.589 --> 00:06:25.410
So let's walk through what I think that mind drift is.
99
00:06:25.930 --> 00:06:29.569
The very first thing that happens to me in these examples,
100
00:06:29.610 --> 00:06:33.420
or maybe you have similar examples in other contexts, is this.
101
00:06:33.959 --> 00:06:34.480
You know what?
102
00:06:35.720 --> 00:06:42.639
I could do this. Now that's a pretty innocuous thought, right?
103
00:06:42.699 --> 00:06:49.339
Pretty harmless. It's hypothetical. It's just a possibility.
104
00:06:50.959 --> 00:06:56.259
And we don't recognize it as problematic or dangerous, and
105
00:06:56.319 --> 00:06:57.759
it just sits there.
106
00:06:58.420 --> 00:07:00.019
You know, I could do this.
107
00:07:02.079 --> 00:07:10.939
But when it is uncontested, over time, that mind drift
108
00:07:11.000 --> 00:07:15.620
of that thought, I could do this, I find can
109
00:07:15.689 --> 00:07:18.560
morph into the second thought.
110
00:07:19.540 --> 00:07:26.139
You know, I might do this. Now, here's the thing.
111
00:07:27.300 --> 00:07:34.120
That also feels somewhat safe because in this sense, I
112
00:07:34.230 --> 00:07:40.449
might do this. I'm still just in the realm of probability, right?
113
00:07:41.910 --> 00:07:44.310
And the thing about probability, well, it's kind of like
114
00:07:44.699 --> 00:07:47.110
You know, there's a probability that the Cowboys are going
115
00:07:47.120 --> 00:07:49.290
to win the Super Bowl this year. And it's just,
116
00:07:49.319 --> 00:07:52.230
you know, it's getting smaller every time I watch them.
117
00:07:53.129 --> 00:07:58.870
But it's just a probability. And it may not be likely,
118
00:07:59.170 --> 00:08:03.209
but it's a probability. I might do this. It sits
119
00:08:03.310 --> 00:08:08.110
there and I allow it to sit there. But over time,
120
00:08:09.209 --> 00:08:17.910
that probability begins to grow. And eventually, it morphs and
121
00:08:17.970 --> 00:08:22.170
crosses a boundary, it's hard to know where, into the
122
00:08:22.949 --> 00:08:26.029
third step in this mind drift.
123
00:08:27.350 --> 00:08:31.629
I will do this at some point.
124
00:08:33.659 --> 00:08:45.909
Now, we're firmly in the context of eventuality. at some point,
125
00:08:46.490 --> 00:08:51.529
I will do this. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,
126
00:08:52.580 --> 00:08:58.659
but when the right situation or opportunity arises, I will
127
00:08:58.679 --> 00:08:59.019
do this.
128
00:08:59.740 --> 00:09:00.330
I will take it.
129
00:09:01.980 --> 00:09:06.480
And you say, well, why does that sit there unopposed? Well,
130
00:09:06.519 --> 00:09:12.570
because we haven't done anything yet. We at this point
131
00:09:12.970 --> 00:09:18.940
don't have anything yet to confess. There's no actions. We
132
00:09:19.000 --> 00:09:25.049
haven't crossed a behavioral line. Yet if someone could peer
133
00:09:25.129 --> 00:09:27.990
into our mind, they would know, you know what?
134
00:09:29.049 --> 00:09:30.250
It's just a matter of time.
135
00:09:31.710 --> 00:09:36.009
And then the fourth drift, of course, is the end result,
136
00:09:36.370 --> 00:09:40.629
which is the acting out, the relapse. And that, of course,
137
00:09:40.710 --> 00:09:44.330
is where the spell is broken and And where we
138
00:09:44.389 --> 00:09:51.360
now see things clearly again. We're kind of like Charlie Brown,
139
00:09:51.519 --> 00:09:54.440
you know, that thinks, well, this time, maybe this time,
140
00:09:55.000 --> 00:09:57.809
Lucy won't pull the ball back and I won't end
141
00:09:57.889 --> 00:09:58.850
up flat on my back.
142
00:10:00.360 --> 00:10:03.340
And we might even be asking ourselves, how did we
143
00:10:03.379 --> 00:10:05.539
get here? How did this happen?
144
00:10:06.320 --> 00:10:08.279
I mean, the spell is broken and I see what
145
00:10:08.320 --> 00:10:11.220
a schmuck I feel like I've been, but how did
146
00:10:11.279 --> 00:10:15.720
I get here? How did my actions get here? Well,
147
00:10:15.879 --> 00:10:18.379
I would submit to you today that your actions got
148
00:10:18.460 --> 00:10:25.669
here because your mind slowly drifted here. So, to summarize,
149
00:10:26.710 --> 00:10:36.470
we went from possibility to probability, then eventually to an
150
00:10:36.950 --> 00:10:43.610
eventuality that ended in a relapse. And all the time
151
00:10:43.809 --> 00:10:49.970
through that, we never opposed or confronted that mind drift.
152
00:10:52.049 --> 00:10:57.129
So you may ask, well, where is the point of intervention?
153
00:10:57.149 --> 00:11:00.289
And I guess you could say, well, I guess the
154
00:11:00.379 --> 00:11:05.639
point of intervention is any point up to relapse. And
155
00:11:05.679 --> 00:11:11.580
there's always intervention, any point along this process. But the
156
00:11:11.600 --> 00:11:15.460
question I want to ask today is, where is the best.
157
00:11:15.799 --> 00:11:17.259
Point of intervention?
158
00:11:18.289 --> 00:11:20.610
And I think most of us would probably look at
159
00:11:20.669 --> 00:11:23.529
what I've just described and go, well, I'm thinking, Vern,
160
00:11:23.570 --> 00:11:26.860
that the right answer is right at the very beginning
161
00:11:27.340 --> 00:11:32.840
of the process. And I would say to you, yeah. Now,
162
00:11:33.399 --> 00:11:36.019
this may get a little bit woo-woo. By that, I
163
00:11:36.100 --> 00:11:40.240
mean flaky or mystical or New Age or something. But
164
00:11:40.320 --> 00:11:43.409
I want you to think about how could I confront
165
00:11:43.529 --> 00:11:47.960
my thoughts at the very beginning of this process? where
166
00:11:48.019 --> 00:11:54.899
I go, you know what? I could do this. That's
167
00:11:55.080 --> 00:11:59.679
where it started. And so this is what I would
168
00:11:59.740 --> 00:12:02.950
suggest or what I would submit to you is how
169
00:12:03.039 --> 00:12:08.889
to confront your thinking at the very beginning. As soon as,
170
00:12:09.210 --> 00:12:11.669
let me use my example. As soon as I have
171
00:12:11.750 --> 00:12:16.070
the idea, my wife types the password in, she walks
172
00:12:16.149 --> 00:12:19.799
out of the room, My first thought is, I could
173
00:12:19.860 --> 00:12:24.759
do this. I could use this PS5 to act out with.
174
00:12:25.919 --> 00:12:31.090
I immediately confront myself and go, no, I cannot do this.
175
00:12:31.549 --> 00:12:36.149
I will not do this. This will not happen.
176
00:12:37.090 --> 00:12:42.269
This is not how this plays out. This PS5 is
177
00:12:42.389 --> 00:12:47.480
for my positive enjoyment. I will not use it. to
178
00:12:47.559 --> 00:12:52.299
get me off track. Otherwise I'm going to lose my
179
00:12:52.379 --> 00:12:57.480
enjoyment of it. Um, you know, I, I am not
180
00:12:57.539 --> 00:13:01.000
the kind of person who would do that. I'm not
181
00:13:01.039 --> 00:13:03.519
the kind of sneaky guy that would do one thing
182
00:13:03.580 --> 00:13:06.639
in one room while my wife is in the other room,
183
00:13:07.169 --> 00:13:10.570
like a kid stealing cookies. That is not the kind
184
00:13:10.610 --> 00:13:13.730
of man that I am. That's not going to happen.
185
00:13:14.049 --> 00:13:18.620
Not today. this little weed that appears next to my
186
00:13:18.679 --> 00:13:21.929
nice vegetables, I'm pulling it out. I'm stamping on it.
187
00:13:22.340 --> 00:13:26.570
Not going to happen. You see that whole idea. It's not,
188
00:13:26.850 --> 00:13:29.330
I could do this. It's like, I could not do this.
189
00:13:29.750 --> 00:13:32.590
I will not do this. Ain't going to happen. I
190
00:13:32.710 --> 00:13:36.529
recognize the very beginning of that thought. And I say,
191
00:13:36.610 --> 00:13:40.480
that is not my future. That thought will not be
192
00:13:40.600 --> 00:13:47.259
resident in my mind at all. And On top of that,
193
00:13:47.990 --> 00:13:50.730
you say, well, I am also going to, with the
194
00:13:50.789 --> 00:13:52.629
guys that I hang out with, and I have a
195
00:13:52.669 --> 00:13:54.990
lot of great guys I hang out with in recovery
196
00:13:55.389 --> 00:13:59.950
in the different groups, I'm going to tell this to
197
00:13:59.990 --> 00:14:03.679
them that I've had this thought, that I could do this,
198
00:14:04.559 --> 00:14:06.980
because that's going to break the spell in one sense,
199
00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:12.059
me simply speaking it out, simply telling other guys. Oh,
200
00:14:12.720 --> 00:14:15.029
and then I'm doing a podcast on it. So that
201
00:14:15.149 --> 00:14:20.200
really seals the deal. I confront the thought. I say, no,
202
00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:22.340
I'm not going to let it sit there. I'm not
203
00:14:22.379 --> 00:14:25.740
going to let it slowly gain momentum while it pretends
204
00:14:25.799 --> 00:14:26.659
to be innocuous.
205
00:14:28.299 --> 00:14:28.480
Right?
206
00:14:28.960 --> 00:14:32.110
So where's your mind drift? What are the thoughts that
207
00:14:32.210 --> 00:14:36.629
lead you back to porn? Maybe you want to do
208
00:14:36.690 --> 00:14:39.850
the same kind of excavation that I did around those
209
00:14:39.929 --> 00:14:43.529
thoughts and begin to interrogate them, begin to confront them.
210
00:14:44.299 --> 00:14:48.940
Hopefully my example and my revelation here gives you a
211
00:14:48.980 --> 00:14:53.710
little bit of ideas on how to do that. Guys,
212
00:14:53.870 --> 00:14:57.769
I'd love your feedback on this podcast. I also did
213
00:14:57.789 --> 00:15:00.789
this one on YouTube as well. Love to get your feedback.
214
00:15:01.809 --> 00:15:09.509
Reach out to me. My email is bandofbrothers.care at gmail.com.
215
00:15:10.009 --> 00:15:10.690
We'll see you next time.