Remember and Forgive: täielik transkriptsioon

00:05:59.199 --> 00:06:00.399 That was disappointing. 00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:17.040 We'd already knocked out two months, started over, and then something that really hit home for me was there was a dude in my platoon who worked across the street from one of the towers, and he was off that day. 00:06:17.680 --> 00:06:19.600 And he joined because of that. 00:06:19.839 --> 00:06:24.639 And like, and his I don't know if he was lying or being honest, but he seemed sincere. 00:06:24.959 --> 00:06:31.759 And I was like, holy crap, this dude is here because like he had an off day and then he chose to fight. 00:06:31.839 --> 00:06:32.800 Like, whoa. 00:06:34.399 --> 00:06:41.839 So graduate basic training, and I do like six to eight months next um homeland defense. 00:06:41.920 --> 00:06:45.759 They activated a lot of the national guard because everybody was in freak out mode. 00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:54.319 Yeah, like I have my own theories on 9-11 from doing a lot of research after I got out. 00:06:54.480 --> 00:06:59.040 I was like, I got old enough to start thinking and analyzing. 00:06:59.199 --> 00:07:01.600 So I have my own theories there. 00:07:02.000 --> 00:07:11.839 Um but we do uh rotation doing homeland security, guarding bases in Alabama, Alabama National Guard. 00:07:12.480 --> 00:07:25.680 After that, they had started the war in Iraq, which piggybacked not really off of the war in Afghanistan, but it's just like we want another war. 00:07:26.000 --> 00:07:28.079 We I want to finish my daddy's war. 00:07:28.240 --> 00:07:33.040 You know, like I don't know what like I and I was a kid, I didn't really care. 00:07:33.519 --> 00:07:37.519 So they asked for volunteers to go to Iraq, and I was like, boom, I'll go. 00:07:38.079 --> 00:07:41.920 So a few months later, I'm packing my bags, going to Iraq. 00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:48.560 Go to Fort Carson, Colorado for a couple of weeks, or maybe a month or two, and then we go to Iraq. 00:07:48.800 --> 00:07:55.839 Um so the first tour was a liaison. 00:07:56.480 --> 00:07:58.720 Uh we were a group of nine soldiers. 00:07:58.879 --> 00:08:02.160 There's like three officers, three NCOs, and three fours. 00:08:02.560 --> 00:08:07.199 I was just promoted, so I was literally had no idea what was going on about anything. 00:08:07.360 --> 00:08:10.000 All I knew was to get dressed and do what I was told. 00:08:10.480 --> 00:08:16.800 Um, so we get attached to the division main of 4th Infantry Brigade. 00:08:17.360 --> 00:08:18.959 Fourth Infantry Division. 00:08:19.920 --> 00:08:31.199 We deploy and we end up getting positioned or stationed, I guess you'd call it, put in this fob that was uh to Saddam Hussein's old palace complex into crit. 00:08:31.519 --> 00:08:38.080 So literally, we're like living right by a palace, like massive. 00:08:38.159 --> 00:08:40.320 Like one was a bombed out. 00:08:40.720 --> 00:08:50.720 Um so we ended up shifting from doing the officers, did the liaison work, which made no sense.

00:08:50.879 --> 00:09:06.559 Why would you bring in officers from the Alabama National Guard to the 4th Infantry Division to be a liaison between their division level and their battalion level when you have a division of soldiers? 00:09:06.799 --> 00:09:08.559 I never could understand that. 00:09:08.799 --> 00:09:10.720 And I so I had no job. 00:09:10.960 --> 00:09:15.679 So for like a couple for a hot minute, like I had nothing to do except just exist. 00:09:16.879 --> 00:09:27.360 And then there was this colonel that worked with civil affairs, and he needed some dudes to go with him because he just did all kinds of crazy stuff all the time. 00:09:27.600 --> 00:09:30.480 So we're like, we'll go, we were bored. 00:09:30.799 --> 00:09:37.279 So we became his personal security detachment, just going on all these crazy little adventures all the time. 00:09:37.679 --> 00:09:39.440 Same as Colonel Jackson. 00:09:39.840 --> 00:09:42.559 He eventually went ro native. 00:09:42.720 --> 00:09:54.720 And when I say went native, like there was this local Sheikh's son who started helping us, and he would help us find these cachets and the dudes that were attacking where we lived. 00:09:54.879 --> 00:10:03.200 And said and IEDs just started, but we were seeing more firefights, RPGs, but this was when not IEDs were evolving. 00:10:03.279 --> 00:10:14.720 Like you'd see an ammo can stuffed with some C4 with a deck cord, and like we had soft-shelled Humvees, so people were getting torn up, but it wasn't as much so in 2005. 00:10:14.879 --> 00:10:18.320 2005 was horror, basically. 00:10:18.399 --> 00:10:19.759 It was like Fuckville. 00:10:20.240 --> 00:10:27.039 And so we were working this dude that worked for Colonel Jackson. 00:10:27.200 --> 00:10:31.519 We had met him, he spoke English, and he was helping us all the time. 00:10:31.679 --> 00:10:33.200 We saw him nearly daily. 00:10:33.360 --> 00:10:39.120 Like he had access to our compound, they'd let him drive on, um, and then he gets killed one day. 00:10:39.440 --> 00:10:41.840 He got ambushed because he was helping us. 00:10:42.639 --> 00:10:52.720 And so as a kid, like I was 19, or I just turned 20, like that was my first experience of like seeing somebody dead that I knew, and I was like, uh. 00:10:53.600 --> 00:10:56.960 Like, and I compartmentalize it, like I felt nothing. 00:10:59.200 --> 00:11:05.039 And but I kept accepting him to like pop up and like make a joke and be like, haha, I got you. 00:11:05.200 --> 00:11:09.519 And it was like, F, that's a real person that I knew laying there. 00:11:09.679 --> 00:11:13.679 And it's not funny, I'm just wrapping this in a little bit of laugh. 00:11:14.000 --> 00:11:19.279 So um now I'm laughing at myself for doing that even it's serious business. 00:11:19.759 --> 00:11:25.840 But so Colonel Jackson, he kind of went native, he started shifting his perspective on the war. 00:11:26.480 --> 00:11:27.360 He disappeared. 00:11:27.440 --> 00:11:29.360 Like within

a couple of days, he was gone. 00:11:30.320 --> 00:11:45.840 Um, and that's the only word I got was that he went native and he got replaced by this um dude that had been a Navy SEAL, but then he started working with civil affairs in the army, and we started rolling around with him all the time. 00:11:46.159 --> 00:11:47.279 Dude didn't give a F. 00:11:47.360 --> 00:11:49.120 He carried an AK-47. 00:11:49.919 --> 00:11:56.960 Um he was cool because I remember my boots were so small, I was busting out of them after six months. 00:11:57.600 --> 00:12:01.360 My feet hurt, and he's like, he's like, we're gonna take care of that. 00:12:01.519 --> 00:12:04.879 And he was the first person that actually took care of me in that manner. 00:12:05.120 --> 00:12:09.840 So we went to this other compound, we went over to where the PX was. 00:12:10.000 --> 00:12:14.320 It's an area for soldiers to buy stuff, little like a business. 00:12:14.559 --> 00:12:22.080 And we go to the connexes behind it, and he starts cutting locks, and he's and he finds a connex full of boots, and he just starts digging through it. 00:12:22.159 --> 00:12:24.480 Like he's straight stealing, but he doesn't give an F. 00:12:24.879 --> 00:12:26.000 He's like, What size do you wear? 00:12:26.080 --> 00:12:30.000 And he digs around and he finds me the right pair of boots that fit. 00:12:30.159 --> 00:12:39.120 And oh my gracious, that changed my life because my feet felt good after like seven months and then like miserable. 00:12:39.679 --> 00:12:40.639 That was awesome. 00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:46.720 And then one day he used us as bait, like right outside of our compound. 00:12:46.799 --> 00:12:57.440 There's in Takrit, like there was this little town where there was this big um soccer field, and they we had reports that they were RPGs fired from there. 00:12:57.679 --> 00:13:15.440 And so we go out there one day and we're just driving around circles in that area, and he's like 500, 600 meters away in a little truck, a pickup truck, because we stole pickup trucks and up armor BMWs and like all and stopped driving our Humvees and we started driving just trucks. 00:13:15.759 --> 00:13:24.159 We shouldn't have stole, but he Colonel Jackson said there were blue tags from the government and the civilians weren't supposed to have them, so it's okay for us to take them. 00:13:25.360 --> 00:13:39.200 Um so this new Colonel he was driving a pickup truck and we were in the back of a high top Hum V soft shell, just driving around, and after a couple hours I realized we're bait. 00:13:39.600 --> 00:13:46.000 Like it's us by ourselves driving around, riding around where that RPG hit was. 00:13:46.159 --> 00:13:47.600 I was like, that sucks. 00:13:47.759 --> 00:13:48.799 I didn't like that. 00:13:49.679 --> 00:13:54.080 Um so that tour ended pretty uneventfully. 00:13:54.159 --> 00:13:56.080 There was a lot of other cool stories in it. 00:13:57.039 --> 00:14:13.120 Get back home, and because I was at division level, I wasn't allowed to get a combat infantry badge, which is like the cream of the crop for an infantryman, besides a EIB or a ranger tab, and I didn't have any of that. 00:14:13.279 --> 00:14:16.080 I never went to any cool guy schools or anything. 00:14:16.320 --> 00:14:21.360 So I was like, I need to go back to get my combat infantry badge to be in combat. 00:14:22.240 --> 00:14:27.679 And we were like in like these teeny tiny little skirmishes, but nothing that qualified as combat. 00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:35.039 So 2005 rolls around, I volunteer again, and we deployed this place called Eusophia. 00:14:35.519 --> 00:14:37.200 It's the triangle of death. 00:14:37.519 --> 00:14:44.799 It's Eusophia, Ludafia, Mammedia, and anybody watching, you can go um Google it or search it. 00:14:44.960 --> 00:14:47.919 It was like the deadliest place on earth at that point in time. 00:14:48.159 --> 00:14:50.799 And it was the gateway to Fallujah. 00:14:51.919 --> 00:14:59.440 And so within like a week or so, we started taking IEDs like crazy. 00:14:59.600 --> 00:15:04.559 Like it's like they waited and they held off, and then they started hammering us. 00:15:04.799 --> 00:15:16.399 Our my squad leader was um injured, his arm was injured, um, the driver, his eye was jacked up, so they med backed them, and it's like, well, there goes our squad leader, he's gone. 00:15:16.639 --> 00:15:33.519 And uh this dude, Staff Sergeant Lindsay, stepped up from being the team leader to being the squad leader, and let me tell you what, anybody out there, remember the name Michael Lindsay or Slim, that dude was badass. 00:15:33.679 --> 00:15:35.360 Like he was a leader, in my opinion. 00:15:35.519 --> 00:15:38.960 I loved him because he talked to me like a human. 00:15:39.279 --> 00:15:42.720 He was just a person talking to other people. 00:15:42.879 --> 00:15:44.879 He didn't have much of an ego. 00:15:45.600 --> 00:15:50.000 And we were like in a combat zone now in New Sophia. 00:15:50.559 --> 00:15:58.080 We were taking small arms fire, ambushes, IEDs, V-beds, which are vehicle-borne IEDs. 00:15:58.320 --> 00:16:00.879 We had complex attacks on our compound. 00:16:01.039 --> 00:16:04.799 We lived in a old potato factory with Iraqi army. 00:16:05.360 --> 00:16:07.840 Um, and it was nothing more than that. 00:16:07.919 --> 00:16:12.639 It was a potato factory, and you could not trust trust the Iraqi army. 00:16:12.960 --> 00:16:21.919 They were I don't know, they just don't have the I don't know, they're not trustworthy. 00:16:22.240 --> 00:16:46.159 And so one night that stuck out the most with Lindsay was that we started driving at night with our nods instead of traveling at day at all, at daytime, because we would go to these little outposts we had to go swap out dudes, and we'd rotate out like a squad every week or so, and these were like strategic positions in our area. 00:16:46.399 --> 00:17:09.839 And we one night we were going out there in the dark

because we're like, you know, we're not getting hit in the daytime, so we're doing it nighttime, and he took us on an entirely new route through an area that we had never been, but every little while he'd stop, get out the map, look at it, and it took several hours, but he got us there safely in like one of the peak times that we were getting hit. 00:17:10.720 --> 00:17:16.480 And that night I was just like, this dude is badass, like he just navigated us with a map. 00:17:16.640 --> 00:17:25.759 Like he wasn't using a GPS or anything, he had a fucking map, and he's just like following the routes in a freaking war zone, and he freaking did it. 00:17:25.839 --> 00:17:28.240 I was like, that is awesome. 00:17:28.400 --> 00:17:31.440 Navigating land nav in itself is not the funnest. 00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:37.839 But so yeah, that um that tour was pretty rough. 00:17:38.000 --> 00:17:46.480 Like there were days when they were body bags laying out there in the um in the heat, they'd be laying out there for a couple of days. 00:17:46.799 --> 00:17:59.839 Um we were getting Humvees hit literally every day, medvax every couple of days, which is like a chopper coming in to take the dude and carry him out because they're wounded. 00:18:00.079 --> 00:18:01.759 These IEDs were massive. 00:18:01.920 --> 00:18:05.519 They were leaving holes the size of hot dub hot tubs in the road. 00:18:06.000 --> 00:18:06.880 Jesus Christ. 00:18:07.279 --> 00:18:11.359 Cutting up armored Humvees, like the front end would be cut off. 00:18:11.680 --> 00:18:21.759 Just and there was only one person in our chalk, their trick gun truck that didn't get hit the whole time. 00:18:22.079 --> 00:18:22.640 Wow. 00:18:22.880 --> 00:18:27.440 They were nervous by the end because you're just waiting for your turn. 00:18:27.519 --> 00:18:32.559 Like I don't remember the tally, the complete number. 00:18:32.880 --> 00:18:46.240 I remember Sergeant Ray or Lieutenant Edwards had said it was somewhere between like eighty and a hundred IEDs we took in the course of like six months, which is stupid ridiculous. 00:18:46.559 --> 00:18:47.200 Damn. 00:18:47.440 --> 00:19:06.240 And so we finally got hit, and thankfully it was just like a small one on the back left corner panel, but it was enough to knock me out for a second, and it was just like this massive overpressure blast that just freaking rattled. 00:19:06.720 --> 00:19:11.279 Like I had like a mild TBI from it. 00:19:11.440 --> 00:19:12.640 I could barely hear. 00:19:13.279 --> 00:19:30.960 But once I got that over, I was like, okay, dude, like the stress of waiting was insane, and some dudes really didn't handle that stress very well, you know, of waiting for the next attack or the next firefight or the next ID. 00:19:31.200 --> 00:19:38.720 We got mortared at least two to three times a week easily. 00:19:38.880 --> 00:19:43.519 And that's and you can't do anything with mortars, you know, you're just like getting mortared. 00:19:43.680 -->

00:19:46.000 And these these guys got smart. 00:19:46.079 --> 00:20:00.240 They would have this little stand that was welded to a T that's like standing up on the ground with a tube welded to it with a kitchen timer attached to wires and set the timer and go. 00:20:00.480 --> 00:20:03.680 And that's how they would attack our fob or a little base. 00:20:04.640 --> 00:20:17.839 And like they attacked us one time with they had body armor, they had RPKs, they had mortar rounds, V-bids, um, and uh RPGs. 00:20:18.000 --> 00:20:20.160 They had a complex attack on our compound. 00:20:21.200 --> 00:20:24.400 Um that was that was pretty intense. 00:20:24.559 --> 00:20:27.200 It was like a free-for-all for a little while. 00:20:27.599 --> 00:20:32.720 Um then in our first sergeant, he got taken out. 00:20:33.359 --> 00:20:35.359 They used the word eviscerated. 00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:47.440 Um there was nights where a Humphrey would come in and it's like the inside of it just had chunks on the inside of it, and it's like dripping blood and chunks. 00:20:47.680 --> 00:20:53.680 And I remember we were out there and the captain he that was in charge of us, he was a tanker captain. 00:20:53.839 --> 00:20:54.880 He was super cool. 00:20:55.039 --> 00:20:59.359 Like he was there for the men, and he let us infantry dudes do our thing. 00:20:59.519 --> 00:21:02.079 And I remember he looked in it, he's like, get this gone tonight. 00:21:02.160 --> 00:21:03.599 I don't want anybody seeing it. 00:21:03.839 --> 00:21:09.519 And like that stuff was like it sticks with you, like it it really does. 00:21:09.759 --> 00:21:16.480 Um and then Cooper, he caught some shrapnel to his calf, and they sent him home. 00:21:17.119 --> 00:21:41.839 Um and then after so I want Brian Shaver and um Johnson to be remembered if anybody's watching this, because um Johnson later died of cancer, and um Shaver uh checked out from the world on his own after that tour. 00:21:42.640 --> 00:21:54.960 Um so that I remember going to his funeral, and then I was late going to a beach trip with my family, and I show up down there, and they didn't give a f. 00:21:55.279 --> 00:21:57.200 I was like, Yeah, I was at a friend's funeral. 00:21:57.359 --> 00:21:59.200 They didn't ask me about it, they didn't care. 00:21:59.440 --> 00:22:03.200 Like But these civilians did not care at all. 00:22:04.160 --> 00:22:06.880 And I was like, Y'all are some cold people. 00:22:07.279 --> 00:22:09.200 Like so anyway. 00:22:10.400 --> 00:22:15.839 Um that tour wrapped up with some really cool stories also. 00:22:16.400 --> 00:22:17.440 Get home. 00:22:18.160 --> 00:22:23.200 And I started really dealing with PTSD real hard. 00:22:23.359 --> 00:22:25.440 Like I I was not doing too good. 00:22:25.519 --> 00:22:35.519 I was still in combat mode, carrying guns everywhere, just freaking amped up and just unhappy. 00:22:35.839 --> 00:22:36.640 Missing it. 00:22:37.920 --> 00:22:41.920 Um then I was like, I'll go back for another tour. 00:22:42.160 --> 00:22:45.279 Maybe something will happen and it'll end everything. 00:22:45.759 --> 00:22:47.920 Because I was like, I just peaked in life. 00:22:48.079 --> 00:22:51.119 I can never do anything that will be more amazing than this tour. 00:22:51.359 --> 00:22:52.640 So it's time to check out. 00:22:52.799 --> 00:22:54.640 Life will never be this amazing. 00:22:55.599 --> 00:23:00.559 So I go back, and um this was my third tour. 00:23:00.799 --> 00:23:06.480 Like I'd started dating a girl before my first one, and we stayed together, but like I kept leaving and kept leaving. 00:23:06.640 --> 00:23:09.839 So it's like I was emotionally gone. 00:23:10.079 --> 00:23:14.640 Like I in her heart, it felt like I had abandoned her. 00:23:14.880 --> 00:23:17.599 In my heart, it's like I'm serving my country. 00:23:17.920 --> 00:23:24.319 But I had no ability to put myself in her shoes and see that I abandoned her. 00:23:24.559 --> 00:23:27.599 So on my third tour, that ended our marriage. 00:23:27.759 --> 00:23:28.480 It ended. 00:23:28.880 --> 00:23:43.200 Um and my third tour is it was just like I was working in a in a tactical operations center for a captain, um, helping gun trucks that were escorting logistics up into Iraq. 00:23:43.279 --> 00:23:49.119 And we did some I went up and direct some on that tour, but mostly I was Kuwait on that tour. 00:23:50.000 --> 00:24:00.880 Um come back after that, and life just pretty much collapsed, and I started drinking heavy, like drinking, popping pills. 00:24:01.039 --> 00:24:08.720 Like I never went to the doctor to get pills, but I was always asking people for pain pills, and if they had it, I would pop it. 00:24:09.039 --> 00:24:16.799 And I learned that there were some pills you could take that you wouldn't feel the effects of alcohol, so you could hammer down even way, way more alcohol. 00:24:17.039 --> 00:24:23.839 So I was like, cool, like I'm discovering, I'm a scientist discovering these chemical like interactions. 00:24:24.400 --> 00:24:34.319 And I had a ranger buddy who introduced me to the clean canteen, it was like 40 ounces, and he's like, I have this because you can keep beer in it and it won't leave the flavor behind. 00:24:34.880 --> 00:24:36.559 So I was drinking all day. 00:24:36.640 --> 00:24:38.240 I had a canteen full of beer. 00:24:38.480 --> 00:24:49.440 I would go somewhere, I was stopping, grabbing a tall boy, filling up my clean canteen, trashing the can because I wasn't gonna have an open container, and I was smart about it. 00:24:49.519 --> 00:24:55.039 Like, if you're disciplined, you can go a long time drinking into popping pills. 00:24:55.279 --> 00:25:00.720 Like, you have to be very disciplined, but it catches up to you, like it did for me. 00:25:01.119 --> 00:25:29.920 And so I was drinking all the time wine, alcohol, beer, pills, and I sharded I sharded, oh my gosh, I started working at a shooting school, which was kind of my salvation because um

these were guys that were rotating in and out all the time from overseas, and they were always amped up, and they were always working contracts and stuff like Blackwater and all that. 00:25:30.160 --> 00:25:32.160 Yeah, so I felt at home. 00:25:32.319 --> 00:25:43.039 I'm at a shooting school, these guys are amped up, and I feel the palpable feeling of war that they're always being ready for war, and I liked being that environment, so I fit in. 00:25:43.279 --> 00:25:46.960 Trying to be in civilian world didn't fit in, but being here it fit in perfectly. 00:25:47.119 --> 00:25:48.000 I was like, yes. 00:25:49.519 --> 00:25:51.680 So I was able to drink even more. 00:25:53.039 --> 00:26:02.720 I I showed up, I would show up to duty hammered, doing doing my work, and they didn't say anything, they're just like, How you doing? 00:26:02.960 --> 00:26:06.240 And I was like, I'd rather be in Iraq or Afghanistan. 00:26:06.480 --> 00:26:11.920 And uh this dude, he was like, I don't know about that. 00:26:12.400 --> 00:26:13.839 And I was like, I do. 00:26:14.240 --> 00:26:22.319 Um but it was nice being there because these dudes were like rotating in and out of it, and I felt at home there. 00:26:22.799 --> 00:26:25.119 But that eventually had to come to an end. 00:26:25.359 --> 00:26:31.440 Um and I eventually reclassed to Combat Medic, so that was cool. 00:26:31.839 --> 00:26:33.759 Uh and I really loved that. 00:26:33.920 --> 00:26:35.279 It was awesome. 00:26:35.599 --> 00:26:59.599 And I got to help do some really cool stuff, got to help save a life once, and then um I reclassed to infantry, or not reclassed, but I went back to infantry battalion because I was in an airborne slot with my combat medic job, but I could never run fast enough with all my training. 00:26:59.680 --> 00:27:13.359 Like I trained and trained and trained, so I finally told first sergeant, I was like, hey, like, Deke, I I need to transfer out because I'm holding up somebody else's airborne slot, and there's a lot of people that could go. 00:27:13.519 --> 00:27:22.240 So I I reclass, not reclass, dang it, I transferred out, and shortly after that I was in training and I got sick. 00:27:22.480 --> 00:27:34.480 Like I got a rare disease called transverse myitis, and like I lost the ability to walk, and I had it left me with spinal cord damage from C1 to C5. 00:27:34.799 --> 00:27:40.240 There was swelling which jacked up like swelling inside my spinal cord. 00:27:40.880 --> 00:27:49.039 And the last day I wore my uniform officially, I was being wheeled into a Forest General Hospital in Mississippi. 00:27:49.519 --> 00:27:50.160 Wow. 00:27:50.400 --> 00:27:52.720 That that was a heartbreaker. 00:27:52.880 --> 00:27:54.480 I had to say bye to the uniform. 00:27:54.960 --> 00:28:01.039 So that's kind of my 16 years in a nutshell. 00:28:05.039 --> 00:28:07.119 Do you believe it's true what they say? 00:28:07.279 --> 00:28:10.880 I saw I had watched a phenomenal documentary about the

Iraq War. 00:28:10.960 --> 00:28:12.319 It was short, but it's great. 00:28:12.400 --> 00:28:14.079 It's called The Army We Had. 00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:23.039 And one of the uh one of the vets in it, he said that uh with war you become old, old young men. 00:28:23.200 --> 00:28:25.920 What would you have to say about that, that statement? 00:28:26.160 --> 00:28:33.759 Like the idea that you just you grow up so quickly at a young age when you're still vulnerable and aren't even aware of it. 00:28:37.200 --> 00:28:46.880 It's like sending a boy to war and then maturing in ways you can't imagine, but still being incredibly childish. 00:28:47.200 --> 00:28:51.759 So it's like you're this old man with this psyche of a kid. 00:28:54.079 --> 00:28:58.000 I I would say you gain experience. 00:28:59.839 --> 00:29:05.759 It changes your perception on the world, and you see a lot of things that age you. 00:29:06.160 --> 00:29:09.200 You're just like you just have to sit with it for years. 00:29:09.599 --> 00:29:13.920 And it's like an old man on a porch, you know, on a farm. 00:29:14.000 --> 00:29:16.000 He's seen a lot of stuff over eight years. 00:29:16.400 --> 00:29:26.240 But take a dude and as young and compress that into like a year or five or six years and compress just tons of traumatic events. 00:29:26.960 --> 00:29:30.240 And yeah, I g I guess I could see how that would age you. 00:29:30.799 --> 00:29:43.680 Um but I guess the big thing is like not having a way to process that or how to integrate that at all. 00:29:44.319 --> 00:29:57.759 And so it's like these different parts of you, one's super mature, one super immature, still a kid, and then one part's a broken heart, you know, like what what do you do with this? 00:29:59.119 --> 00:29:59.759 Yeah. 00:30:00.400 --> 00:30:09.519 When I I so my backstory, I uh I do not have any veteran status, though I do come from uh a family of multiple service members. 00:30:09.680 --> 00:30:17.200 I was medically rejected from joining the armed forces, uh, even though I qualified for 12 different positions within the United States Coast Guard. 00:30:17.359 --> 00:30:21.279 Uh and when I was a contract, a civilian contract for the U.S. 00:30:21.279 --> 00:30:27.759 Navy, they with the amount of knowledge and stuff I had, they said this guy has got like military material written all over him. 00:30:27.920 --> 00:30:35.279 But of course, we all know that medicine medical uh conditions are the biggest red flag that really kind of push you away and stuff. 00:30:35.440 --> 00:30:40.880 Uh so I found myself stuck in the civilian sector versus getting to see some real action. 00:30:41.039 --> 00:30:55.599 Um but one thing that I I kind of gotta say I got a bit of a thrill out of it is that I would go upstairs to maps to kind of take care of like the um like the medic med docs and all their paperwork and stuff like that. 00:30:55.759 --> 00:30:57.039 And I'll never forget it. 00:30:57.200 --> 00:31:05.039 I remember

because this is like everything you just said about like compartmentalizing and like an old man with a kid's persona. 00:31:05.200 --> 00:31:14.240 There was this one guy, he was like uh he just signed his contract to uh be infantry for the marines, I think he's think it was. 00:31:14.559 --> 00:31:20.960 And I basically, this is when I would put kids to the test to find out how truly mature you really are. 00:31:21.200 --> 00:31:25.279 And I said to him, you know, there's not always gonna be a paper target at the end of that gun. 00:31:25.359 --> 00:31:26.319 And he's like, Yeah, I know that. 00:31:26.400 --> 00:31:28.720 I'm like, so what are you gonna do when that day comes? 00:31:28.799 --> 00:31:31.039 And he's like, Well, I'm gonna follow orders from the chain of command. 00:31:31.119 --> 00:31:33.440 And I'm like, what are you gonna do if it's a child? 00:31:35.759 --> 00:31:41.359 I'm like, you're doing overwatch and a rooftop in southern Syria. 00:31:41.519 --> 00:31:49.200 You see a kid who's probably about eight years old walking towards you, who's got um what you can identify as an RKG Russian grenade. 00:31:49.279 --> 00:31:50.079 He's eight years old. 00:31:50.240 --> 00:31:53.119 You really think he has the capacity to process that on his head? 00:31:53.359 --> 00:31:54.640 What are you gonna do? 00:31:54.880 --> 00:31:57.119 And he just was completely speechless. 00:31:57.359 --> 00:32:08.480 Then I'm like, and then after everything is said and done, after you've done your like 16 for you or 20 years, like a lot of people aim for, you gotta get back to the regular world. 00:32:08.640 --> 00:32:16.160 All you know how to do is how to shoot, kill, and be this disciplined kind of machine, I guess is the word to use. 00:32:16.319 --> 00:32:22.640 How do you take all of that and transition it back into the real world, into the civilian civilian world? 00:32:23.119 --> 00:32:28.799 And he said to me, You've spoken to me better than any recruiter I've ever spoken with. 00:32:30.799 --> 00:32:37.839 I will never forget that any circumstances, because yeah. 00:32:39.599 --> 00:32:41.279 That's a big question. 00:32:41.680 --> 00:32:42.319 Yeah. 00:32:42.720 --> 00:32:44.880 How do you integrate that afterwards? 00:32:45.200 --> 00:32:46.559 Like, what do you do with that? 00:32:46.960 --> 00:32:47.359 Yeah. 00:32:47.599 --> 00:32:52.960 Um I don't think a recruiter would uh want to ask somebody that because then they get to thinking. 00:32:53.119 --> 00:32:56.000 It's like you need to get them while they're young. 00:32:56.240 --> 00:32:59.119 I had to give them basically it was kind of this thing. 00:32:59.200 --> 00:33:04.640 I was allowed to give them a reality check only after they had signed their contract. 00:33:04.799 --> 00:33:06.880 This kid's already signed his paperwork. 00:33:06.960 --> 00:33:07.839 He's locked in. 00:33:07.920 --> 00:33:13.519 He's just about to be sworn into the Marine Corps, so uh he's got no turning back. 00:33:17.680 --> 00:33:18.640 Interesting. 00:33:18.960 --> 00:33:19.599 Yeah. 00:33:19.920 --> 00:33:23.279 I was only allowed to do it after they'd signed the paperwork. 00:33:23.519 --> 00:33:25.200 And what is it? 00:33:25.839 --> 00:33:38.160 So I know that uh there were some people who didn't totally love it, but the people who did respect it per se was uh the Marines and the Navy. 00:33:38.400 --> 00:33:52.400 Primarily if I was talking with guys who were interested in becoming like recon Marines and SEALs and stuff like that, because they themselves said they would give them the reality check um when the time was right and stuff. 00:33:52.559 --> 00:33:56.880 So I wasn't like forbidden from doing it, but people didn't always love it. 00:33:57.039 --> 00:34:00.720 So they were like, if you're gonna give them a reality check, you gotta wait until they've signed their contract. 00:34:00.799 --> 00:34:02.559 We don't want them stepping away. 00:34:03.759 --> 00:34:04.319 Yeah. 00:34:04.559 --> 00:34:07.519 You wouldn't want to save them from a life of heartache. 00:34:08.239 --> 00:34:09.119 No, no. 00:34:09.360 --> 00:34:21.119 I I just want for me, it's this I wanted like I mean, I was in my mid-20s and stuff when I when I was doing that and stuff. 00:34:21.199 --> 00:34:23.360 So I already I knew enough. 00:34:23.519 --> 00:34:37.679 And like I grew up during Iraq and Afghanistan, and so I mean, when you're seven years old and you watch 9-11 happen, you don't really understand too much, but you know that this is a terrible, terrible thing. 00:34:37.840 --> 00:34:41.679 Uh a day we will never forget under any circumstances. 00:34:42.079 --> 00:34:44.960 And like you said, it was a big, it was a big boom. 00:34:45.119 --> 00:34:58.159 It was a big um uh I guess the the way I like to look at it, it's when terror strikes America that patriotism ignites itself once again, that we truly come together. 00:34:58.400 --> 00:35:04.480 Like the country has to freeze as a whole in order for us to unite. 00:35:04.719 --> 00:35:08.400 Like I what's your perception on that? 00:35:08.480 --> 00:35:14.480 Because part of me feels that's rather devastating knowing that that's the uh the price that has to be paid. 00:35:16.639 --> 00:35:21.840 It just shows that we don't have a unifying vision in this land, in this group of people. 00:35:22.880 --> 00:35:30.079 Um and then it takes a huge event like that to mobilize people. 00:35:31.360 --> 00:35:47.360 But it was like a fulcrum to get the war machine going because there was so much advancement in the last 20 years in the military technology because the funding was just opened up. 00:35:47.599 --> 00:35:51.199 So there was all these companies that made massive amounts of money. 00:35:51.840 --> 00:35:58.559 You had all these troopies coming in to deploy, you know, they're like a God and country, or just country. 00:35:59.440 --> 00:36:08.000 And it's sad you don't see that without such a terri uh a

terrifying event. 00:36:08.559 --> 00:36:30.000 And then our our country needs a unifying vision, it needs unity, it doesn't need an event to mobilize people to go to war and start the war machine all over, but it looks like it's happening again, which is not funny, it's just I sad. 00:36:30.719 --> 00:36:35.039 I've I know what the Vietnam vets felt like when they saw people going to Iraq. 00:36:35.280 --> 00:36:36.880 Because I heard stuff like this. 00:36:37.119 --> 00:36:39.840 Now I see it happening to in my generation. 00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:45.199 It's like, oh, I'm the Vietnam vet now, and I'm watching another war, and it's like, damn it. 00:36:45.599 --> 00:36:46.719 We don't need that. 00:36:46.960 --> 00:36:52.320 We should have this is just Paul Miller's opinion. 00:36:52.719 --> 00:36:56.800 We should have a unified vision for healing and unity in this nation. 00:36:57.039 --> 00:37:01.280 Or let me say group of people, or I'll say that. 00:37:01.840 --> 00:37:16.400 We need people to see each other as souls and to stand up and be like, hey, let's start healing this group of people and get unified and not get unified off of the idea of war or being attacked. 00:37:17.280 --> 00:37:20.639 Um and I'll just add this little piece. 00:37:20.800 --> 00:37:24.079 After I was discharged, I had a lot of time to think. 00:37:24.239 --> 00:37:32.960 And I started researching 9-11, researching the facts behind it, watched a lot of documentaries, and it left me disillusioned. 00:37:33.199 --> 00:37:37.119 It left me just feeling empty. 00:37:37.360 --> 00:37:43.519 And I did research on why we went to Iraq, the events leading up to it, what the basis was. 00:37:43.679 --> 00:37:45.039 Was there really a basis? 00:37:46.000 --> 00:37:51.840 That left me hollow and disillusioned and angry, and I was like, this is what the Vietnam vets felt like. 00:37:52.480 --> 00:37:54.000 Did all that for nothing. 00:37:55.199 --> 00:38:08.880 But but I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that we have this massive amount of people in this nation, or this group of people now that are veterans that actually care about people. 00:38:09.519 --> 00:38:12.320 And I'm thinking to myself, hmm. 00:38:13.519 --> 00:38:14.719 That's for a reason. 00:38:15.280 --> 00:38:36.480 We are all here for a reason, and there's a big shi shift in the narrative now between being disgruntled Vietnam vets, you know, growing their hair out, going hippie, you know, which I understand why they did that to if you take a look at it, you see all these veteran groups springing up for healing to heal the vets. 00:38:36.559 --> 00:38:39.840 And then I just went down the rabbit trail of like, wait a second. 00:38:41.519 --> 00:39:06.079 What if we got to the point where we were done healing ourselves and we're like, how can we unify this nation or this group of people without civil war, without voting, but go after, you know, healing from trauma, you know, healing from like not being able to emotionally validate yourself, connect with other people and on a human level. 00:39:06.320 --> 00:39:08.719 And what if we could do that? 00:39:08.880 --> 00:39:12.639 You know, it's like what it would have been for it wouldn't have been for nothing. 00:39:13.360 --> 00:39:18.239 And that would be the biggest middle finger to the system of like, look what we did. 00:39:18.559 --> 00:39:20.559 We did what nobody else could. 00:39:20.719 --> 00:39:23.039 We didn't collapse and break. 00:39:23.360 --> 00:39:26.079 We took a step back and we're like, how do we heal? 00:39:26.239 --> 00:39:33.199 Oh, some people use ABBA game, some people use THC, some people use meditation, um, some people use the inner work. 00:39:33.280 --> 00:39:38.159 There's always different modalities that they're like, wait a second, like we're gonna do it different now. 00:39:38.400 --> 00:39:41.119 And so that gives me so much hope. 00:39:41.280 --> 00:39:42.159 So much hope. 00:39:43.599 --> 00:39:49.599 Because that is a big problem, is that they prepare for war, but they don't prepare for healing. 00:39:49.920 --> 00:39:56.159 And I was watching an interview with Jocko Willink, and he described it perfectly in a nutshell. 00:39:56.320 --> 00:40:03.039 If we turn back the clock to like our grandparents' generation, the guys from World War II, how did they heal? 00:40:03.199 --> 00:40:05.519 When they came home, they were on a ship home. 00:40:05.599 --> 00:40:11.679 So you're traveling from like the South China Sea to uh Manhattan. 00:40:11.840 --> 00:40:16.559 You got a lot of time together to think, to decompress, to get it out of your system. 00:40:16.639 --> 00:40:25.199 And even if you're not on that boat with guys who are in your unit or your platoon, you're in guys who you're with guys who are in the same area, who'd seen the same shit. 00:40:25.360 --> 00:40:31.760 So you have all that time to tell each other's stories, get it out of your system, and just ventilate, debrief, etc. 00:40:32.000 --> 00:40:36.320 And better yet, when those guys came home, we've seen the footage, we've seen the photos. 00:40:36.400 --> 00:40:37.840 They were welcome like heroes. 00:40:37.920 --> 00:40:42.480 It was kind of like, I don't know, as if the Avengers had won the Battle of New York. 00:40:42.639 --> 00:40:43.280 Yeah. 00:40:43.760 --> 00:40:54.480 But with the Vietnam War, and this is where I feel everything kind of really went downhill in regards to the um the the veteran respect and healing. 00:40:54.639 --> 00:40:57.920 I feel that Vietnam was kind of what pushed it downhill. 00:40:58.159 --> 00:41:12.239 One minute you're in the bush, six miles away from the Cambodian borderline with your battle buddy, out of nowhere, you see like his helmet and his brains fly fly clean off via sniper. 00:41:12.400 --> 00:41:15.360 Next thing you know, Charlie's shooting at you from every other angle. 00:41:15.519 --> 00:41:24.880 You get helicopter lifted out of the area,

you hear a loud boom, and you turn your head and you see Agent Orange burning the entire jungle to the ground. 00:41:25.119 --> 00:41:29.039 When all then you get back to base and they're like, hey pal, you're going home. 00:41:29.280 --> 00:41:37.519 48 hours later, you're sitting at a bar in South Philly smoking a cigarette, drinking Guinness, and you have not gotten an ounce of it out of your system. 00:41:38.000 --> 00:41:48.159 And because of like everything that unraveled with the Pentagon Papers and Nixon and Kissinger, etc., you're not even getting an ounce of respect. 00:41:48.639 --> 00:41:50.960 You've had no time to get it out of your system. 00:41:51.119 --> 00:41:58.320 You don't have people who are high-fiving you, instead, they're spitting on you, and look at where we are today. 00:42:01.280 --> 00:42:02.800 That's a tough thing to deal with. 00:42:03.039 --> 00:42:03.840 I couldn't imagine it. 00:42:04.000 --> 00:42:04.159 Yeah. 00:42:04.400 --> 00:42:07.519 And I wouldn't want to imagine it or be in that situation. 00:42:08.159 --> 00:42:08.480 No. 00:42:09.280 --> 00:42:15.840 That's I I yeah, I Vietnam vets uh put it best. 00:42:16.000 --> 00:42:18.880 He said Americans suffer political amnesia. 00:42:19.199 --> 00:42:27.280 Like we it's almost like we willingly allow ourselves to just relive what we've already been through. 00:42:27.360 --> 00:42:32.639 Like what you had said, you felt how the way the Vietnam uh guys did and stuff like that. 00:42:32.800 --> 00:42:34.159 Uh what do you have to say? 00:42:34.320 --> 00:42:38.480 Is it true that we do honestly suffer political amnesia? 00:42:40.880 --> 00:42:42.960 Not the people that went through it. 00:42:43.360 --> 00:42:52.400 Some people remember it very clearly, but the masses don't know it because they are brainwashed, basically. 00:42:52.559 --> 00:43:02.960 They're like, do this, believe this, be mad at this person, eat this, go here for eight to nine hours a day, you know, and be an automaton. 00:43:04.079 --> 00:43:07.760 But yeah, so the masses they're easily swayed. 00:43:08.000 --> 00:43:10.639 They're easily forgetting what happened. 00:43:11.360 --> 00:43:14.639 And now the attention span is like a goldfish. 00:43:15.519 --> 00:43:19.760 And so they're even easier to sway. 00:43:20.159 --> 00:43:33.039 So but there is that core group that's like, I know, I remember, and and I've had Vietnam vets share me share with me their stories of how they were spit on coming home and knocked a dude out. 00:43:33.760 --> 00:43:37.440 You know, it's like I it's like the division was horrible. 00:43:37.840 --> 00:44:03.440 And and that's like such a uh there was such such a diversion there of humanity where there was this huge portion of civilians that were waking up before the Civil War uh Civil War, the Vietnam War, and during it, you had the hippies and they were labeled that to make them look less than But they were waking up to the systems. 00:44:03.920 --> 00:44:06.320 They were waking up to their autonomy. 00:44:06.480 --> 00:44:12.000 They were having spiritual wakings awakenings by the masses and it got shut down hard. 00:44:12.719 --> 00:44:17.679 But then they saw this war and they're like, oh, let's protest it, you know. 00:44:18.239 --> 00:44:23.599 But if you broke that down analytically, it's like these are still humans that were betrayed. 00:44:23.840 --> 00:44:25.920 You need to love them coming back. 00:44:26.159 --> 00:44:31.280 Because if you're spiritually connected now, you don't need to be mad at the ego. 00:44:31.519 --> 00:44:33.599 Because these young men were drafted. 00:44:35.039 --> 00:44:37.039 And women, it's like, you gotta go. 00:44:37.679 --> 00:44:38.800 No choice. 00:44:39.039 --> 00:44:41.360 Um so they come back. 00:44:41.519 --> 00:44:45.119 You need to they should have come back to hearts and love. 00:44:45.519 --> 00:44:56.159 If you're a hippie, and that's not to um demean that group of people that had their spiritual awakenings because that's an amazing event. 00:44:57.039 --> 00:45:03.840 They just weren't aligned with their hearts and understanding that they need to be loved back into the fold and they need healing. 00:45:04.159 --> 00:45:09.039 And so it was like a a low-level awakening for humanity. 00:45:09.840 --> 00:45:28.960 And then I think we're in another one now with like the spiritual quest, the awakenings, and people like understanding there's a deeper level to our humanity than just our ego and running through this these systems, you know, and being a performing monkey basically. 00:45:30.559 --> 00:45:32.400 I I absolutely agree. 00:45:32.639 --> 00:45:34.159 I mean, I've what is it? 00:45:34.239 --> 00:45:42.239 One of my I have a per diem job at a uh a hospital, and I get no I'd have to say a handful of like Vietnam vets. 00:45:42.320 --> 00:45:53.199 One of the first things I say to them actually is uh welcome home, uh, because I know for a fact, of course, that they didn't get that uh level of love and respect. 00:45:53.280 --> 00:45:56.719 And I actually had one uh when I said that, he he started crying. 00:45:56.960 --> 00:45:59.599 He was like he was moved to tears. 00:45:59.840 --> 00:46:10.079 The fact that this this young guy has the kindness and generosity to just thank me, even though like what I went through, I'm sure he can't perfectly process it. 00:46:10.719 --> 00:46:13.760 I mean, I wasn't alive back then, that's for sure. 00:46:13.920 --> 00:46:18.719 Uh and but uh it's important. 00:46:19.119 --> 00:46:23.039 It's because you have to look at them as a human being. 00:46:23.199 --> 00:46:31.360 Like, I get it, like you you can't let the the political propaganda machine really dictate your thoughts and opinions. 00:46:31.519 --> 00:46:44.400 You have to let humanity dictate uh the reality of what people like yourself and other men and women had put themselves through, and now they're coming home and stuff. 00:46:44.559 --> 00:46:56.159 Like

you just you can't I I feel we it's very healthy for us to look at each other as humans on a deeper, deeper level, especially now. 00:46:57.599 --> 00:47:09.360 To get a little bit into the spiritual, like we're multidimensional beings, we have a soul, um, we have a body, we have a mind, so we're operating in different realities. 00:47:09.519 --> 00:47:19.760 We may not be aware of what's on the other side of the veil, basically, but we're here having to navigate this, and we have souls, and everybody else has a soul. 00:47:20.079 --> 00:47:39.039 So when we get trapped in the dogma of they believe this, they believe that, we must hate them, I don't like the way they're wearing their pants, you know, that divides us, and we're divided at to the lowest, tiniest thing, you know, it's ridiculous. 00:47:39.199 --> 00:47:43.920 And so I think it's generational programming wearing off. 00:47:44.079 --> 00:48:01.840 The programming is no longer working, and there's a large group of people waking up, like we're more than just this body, we're more than the clothes we wear, and we connect, and like to what you're saying is like we need to connect on a deeper, deeper level, and we can. 00:48:01.920 --> 00:48:10.320 Yeah, and when we do that, we unify, and it's like the control mechanisms don't want us unified, that's for sure. 00:48:10.559 --> 00:48:12.800 That's their that's the biggest fear. 00:48:13.840 --> 00:48:18.159 Um, but that's my biggest hope is seeing unity. 00:48:18.320 --> 00:48:38.320 I would love to see a Baptist pastor who's a straight a-hole and a trans person who has purple hair and where it dresses super crazy, sit down and have a conversation and be friends and ignore all their stupid beliefs and look at each other as a soul. 00:48:39.679 --> 00:48:44.159 And and that's not to offend anybody, it's just belief systems separate us. 00:48:45.039 --> 00:48:51.039 It's like when are are we gonna have to wait for aliens to invade to get unified on a bigger level? 00:48:51.519 --> 00:49:00.239 Or is the government gonna have a hoax and trick everybody into believing there's an alien invasion so it can be like, oh, let's unify for even bigger space war. 00:49:01.199 --> 00:49:04.639 That will truly be Independence Day, dun dun dun. 00:49:04.880 --> 00:49:05.920 Oh yeah. 00:49:06.880 --> 00:49:07.519 Yes. 00:49:07.760 --> 00:49:09.199 I would need proof though. 00:49:09.360 --> 00:49:10.960 I would need proof of the aliens. 00:49:11.119 --> 00:49:15.679 Let me go talk to them, make sure they're bad, and then I'll join up. 00:49:16.480 --> 00:49:16.880 Yeah. 00:49:17.039 --> 00:49:17.519 I don't know. 00:49:17.599 --> 00:49:19.519 Maybe ask Steven Spielberg for advice. 00:49:19.599 --> 00:49:22.239 He created the most lovable alien that people have ever known. 00:49:22.559 --> 00:49:22.880 E.T. 00:49:23.360 --> 00:49:25.199 Well, I may I throw this out there. 00:49:25.360 --> 00:49:28.719 What about was it Groku on the uh Mandalorian? 00:49:30.079 --> 00:49:30.480 True. 00:49:31.039 --> 00:49:31.199 True. 00:49:31.280 --> 00:49:32.159 People love Groku. 00:49:32.639 --> 00:49:36.960 I don't meet this is no offense, but I think he's a little cuter than E.T., but E.T. 00:49:37.119 --> 00:49:38.480 was still pretty cool. 00:49:39.519 --> 00:49:39.840 Yes. 00:49:40.000 --> 00:49:41.519 Yeah, of course he was. 00:49:41.760 --> 00:49:55.679 Um and speaking of like uh belief, this is uh one of the uh only questions that I really ask uh that's because it is kind of healthy in regards to unraveling the truth. 00:49:56.000 --> 00:50:05.280 With everything you've been through and everything you've seen, do you believe that the war in Iraq was worth the price it was paid? 00:50:06.559 --> 00:50:08.800 No, not at all. 00:50:09.280 --> 00:50:16.480 In my research, there was no foundation for the war in Iraq. 00:50:16.719 --> 00:50:21.280 Within six to eight months, it was rebranded to Operation Iraqi Freedom. 00:50:21.519 --> 00:50:24.320 First, we're going to get WMDs. 00:50:24.800 --> 00:50:25.760 Guess what? 00:50:26.000 --> 00:50:27.440 There were none found. 00:50:27.679 --> 00:50:30.559 If there were, that would have been all over the news. 00:50:30.800 --> 00:50:36.480 See, we told you so, we found them, but they weren't there, what could they do? 00:50:36.719 --> 00:50:38.400 Like, alright, go home, everybody. 00:50:38.639 --> 00:50:39.840 They weren't here. 00:50:40.320 --> 00:50:42.559 No so it was pointless. 00:50:42.719 --> 00:50:47.679 Like they created a war with no basis. 00:50:48.639 --> 00:51:02.320 One of the interviews I saw, and this is over ten years ago, some of the research I did, there was nine intelligence companies that were delivering intel from on the ground in Iraq to the White House. 00:51:02.559 --> 00:51:05.599 And they're coming in, they're like saying, We're seeing no proof of this. 00:51:05.840 --> 00:51:07.360 Like, we're not getting anything. 00:51:07.519 --> 00:51:15.760 And they went in and they changed the information on those reports to say there was stuff to create a war. 00:51:16.719 --> 00:51:23.840 And thus there was a war in Iraq that lasted twenty, I guess Iraq war lasted twenty-something years or less. 00:51:24.719 --> 00:51:42.800 Um then we left big time in 2011, and I remember sitting on the couch, like shortly after I got married, I was visiting me and my wife were I'm not married now, but we were visiting in-laws or her parents in Mobile, Alabama, where I live now. 00:51:43.519 --> 00:51:53.199 And I was watching the news crying because I was watching ISIS go through and just demolish these towns that I'd been in. 00:51:54.239 --> 00:52:02.320 Like I know they'd spent a lot of time in Kurdistan, trashing it, and just these were monsters. 00:52:03.039 --> 00:52:09.039 And I was sitting there, it's like I had a little baby that was just born, I have a wife, another kid on the way. 00:52:09.840 --> 00:52:12.159 Um, I wasn't medically retired

yet. 00:52:12.320 --> 00:52:17.360 I was still in service, but I was just dying on the inside because I wanted to go fight. 00:52:18.480 --> 00:52:23.679 Because this is what really tears me up. 00:52:24.000 --> 00:52:26.159 We went in there and trashed that nation. 00:52:28.079 --> 00:52:31.360 We did a lot of stuff that was not necessary. 00:52:32.480 --> 00:52:36.400 Then we left a power vacuum and we fucking left. 00:52:37.599 --> 00:52:48.320 And there was all these people that get killed because of us, and they were mutilated and tortured and kidnapped and decimated, and that was our fault. 00:52:49.280 --> 00:52:50.159 Nobody else. 00:52:51.199 --> 00:53:17.840 And that sucks so horribly that they one of my life missions now, and I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna do this, is I'm going back to Iraq, and I'm gonna go find the family of our interpreter who was killed, and I'm gonna personally apologize to him because he wouldn't have died if he hadn't helped us. 00:53:19.119 --> 00:53:23.039 And that power vacuum went left if we hadn't have gone over there. 00:53:23.119 --> 00:53:33.679 And what sucks is even though there was tons of troops that went over there, for a long time I played a role in it, and they deserve an apology from me. 00:53:34.639 --> 00:53:39.280 And that is something that I hope and all with all my heart that I get to do. 00:53:39.440 --> 00:53:53.599 I don't care if I I don't know how I'm gonna do it because financially I don't have the funds, and I have kids now, but I'm gonna go back and I'm gonna find that place, and I'm gonna apologize to them before I die. 00:53:54.639 --> 00:53:55.599 Yeah, they deserve that. 00:53:56.400 --> 00:53:58.960 100%, absolutely. 00:53:59.119 --> 00:53:59.920 I totally agree. 00:54:00.079 --> 00:54:13.840 Me, one actually career uh course I had considered was I wanted to be a war correspondent, and I told my friends, like uh, and I it was still I was this is cooking in my brain back when I was a contractor and stuff like that. 00:54:13.920 --> 00:54:18.079 I told them I'd like to go to Iraq, I'd like to go to Libya, and they're like, why the heck would you want to go there? 00:54:18.320 --> 00:54:19.280 And for me, it was this. 00:54:19.360 --> 00:54:23.119 I'm like, I want to go there to tell the truth. 00:54:23.360 --> 00:54:25.679 I want to meet the people of Iraq. 00:54:26.000 --> 00:54:30.800 I want to kneel down and be like, I'm here to tell your story. 00:54:31.039 --> 00:54:36.320 Like, let me know the truth, not what the American media is feeding me. 00:54:36.559 --> 00:54:38.480 Hear it from the voices of the people. 00:54:38.639 --> 00:54:41.039 It's their homeland, not ours. 00:54:41.760 --> 00:54:50.719 And people have said that we kind of, I guess, we force fed them a system that doesn't work under any circumstances. 00:54:50.880 --> 00:54:56.239 And I I guess I'd have to agree with that, that that is part of the damage we did. 00:54:56.400 --> 00:55:14.320 Um, but I'm like, I want to go there because their story, and when I say there, I mean the people who lived it, the people who witnessed the atrocities, everything, their story deserves to be heard on a much broader and bigger scope. 00:55:18.719 --> 00:55:19.599 I agree with you. 00:55:19.920 --> 00:55:29.039 There was days that we'd be riding around and I couldn't understand why these people were looking at me the way they did with just contempt. 00:55:30.159 --> 00:55:40.800 Just some of the women looked at me with just absolute just contempt, and the men and I got to thinking about that because it really bugged me. 00:55:40.880 --> 00:55:43.440 I was like, shouldn't they be glad I'm here? 00:55:44.719 --> 00:55:49.679 And I had this shift of realizing that I'm not supposed to be here. 00:55:50.559 --> 00:55:52.320 But this is their home. 00:55:52.719 --> 00:55:57.360 These are people just living in nine to five, and we've brought war to them. 00:55:58.960 --> 00:56:09.760 Like, because I changed my thought process once I got out, after a couple of years, I got to thinking, what if Russia invaded? 00:56:10.079 --> 00:56:25.920 Bringing us peace, taking care of our WMDs, and then I wake up one night and there's a squad of dudes will come into my backyard and kick my door in and trash my house and put my family at gunpoint and ransack looking for stuff, then leave. 00:56:26.239 --> 00:56:29.039 And maybe accidentally shoot somebody. 00:56:30.559 --> 00:56:38.880 And then they leave, and my life is trashed in just a moment of them, you know, just going on a hunch. 00:56:39.920 --> 00:56:42.559 It's like yeah. 00:56:43.440 --> 00:56:52.559 I would I would pick up arms and and I totally rationalize and understood the position of the people that did fight us over there. 00:56:53.599 --> 00:56:58.559 Granted, they put it brought in fighters from other countries, they would bring in snipers and stuff like that. 00:57:00.320 --> 00:57:08.480 But it makes sense when a young man's home is invaded that he's like, you know what, I'm gonna do my part to fight for my homeland. 00:57:08.800 --> 00:57:16.960 And what war leaves you it left me with a broken heart and a broken spirit a little bit. 00:57:18.320 --> 00:57:34.639 And then it spent I spent ten to fifteen years working through that and coming to terms, like I had to go through phases, anger, regret, the alcoholism, and I had to come to peace with everything. 00:57:34.880 --> 00:57:49.280 I had to find my inner peace because like it's a transformative experience and it can easily ruin somebody's life, you know, and they can go down a dark path. 00:57:50.239 --> 00:57:55.920 And I've finding that inner peace has been amazing. 00:57:57.039 --> 00:57:59.440 Like that's the best part of it. 00:58:00.159 --> 00:58:03.360 And I don't think I would have ever found this type of peace without war. 00:58:05.119 --> 00:58:06.800 So I don't know. 00:58:06.960 --> 00:58:08.800 Everything does happen for a reason. 00:58:09.599

--> 00:58:10.639 Yes, yeah. 00:58:10.880 --> 00:58:12.559 I I absolutely agree. 00:58:12.719 --> 00:58:26.400 I mean, I I remember one one of the most interesting experiences I've ever had in life that really made me wake up and have a better understanding of the US's presence in Iraq was when I actually met a young woman. 00:58:26.559 --> 00:58:32.159 This was when I was in community college, who was Iraqi and she had survived the war. 00:58:32.400 --> 00:58:48.400 And I was at like the human resources office, and she was explaining uh like everything to uh this flustered person who worked there, being like the she's like, I am the only person in my family who speaks English. 00:58:48.559 --> 00:58:52.400 Uh, none of them they speak the native Iraqi language. 00:58:52.559 --> 00:58:59.679 Uh we are here, and she said, like, our home was blown up during the war. 00:59:00.239 --> 00:59:06.960 And in that moment, I started thinking to myself, wait a second, who blew up their home? 00:59:07.199 --> 00:59:13.519 And I'm like, was it uh the members of Zarkawi's army? 00:59:13.679 --> 00:59:23.519 Uh for those of you who have been living under a rock uh all your life and have never read a history book under any circumstances, Zarkawi was the Al-Qaeda general uh in Iraq. 00:59:23.679 --> 00:59:25.599 Basically, he is the founding father of ISIS. 00:59:25.679 --> 00:59:34.480 He was carried by killed by US uh forces during an airstrike in 2006, I believe it was, uh, but that did not stop ISIS from growing. 00:59:34.719 --> 00:59:37.760 So uh yeah, that's where that comes from. 00:59:39.199 --> 00:59:45.039 And but I also thought to myself, wait, maybe it was us. 00:59:45.679 --> 00:59:54.320 And that opened my eyes even wider and made me realize, holy crap, we weren't meant to be there. 00:59:58.960 --> 01:00:16.480 I feel that once you meet the people who lived it and stuff, and actually take the time to not look at things from Western American eyes, but look through the eyes of an Iraqi or a Syrian or an Afghan, your whole perspective is gonna change. 01:00:19.119 --> 01:00:31.440 I remember coming back after spending so much time in the desert and seeing Americans going going to Walmart and just the change is like this culture is totally different. 01:00:32.079 --> 01:00:40.960 Like so many of those people were happy in a hut with a couple of little pots and pans. 01:00:42.320 --> 01:00:47.440 Not all that and that was like further out in the outskirts in some areas. 01:00:49.760 --> 01:00:54.639 But yeah, there is just this huge disconnect, I guess. 01:00:54.880 --> 01:01:01.360 Just they have no idea what it's like to be in a war-torn country and to endure that. 01:01:02.159 --> 01:01:28.480 Um then I don't know, and I was while you were talking, I was thinking, I don't know which is more difficult having your country invaded and trashed and living through that and having to become a refugee potentially, or going there, being lied to, being used, and having a huge part of your heart like covered up, and then you have to heal for many, many years. 01:01:28.800 --> 01:01:37.840 And then go through the whole process of I was used, we shouldn't have been there, and um now I gotta deal with what I got. 01:01:38.639 --> 01:01:54.719 And I don't know which side of the coin is more painful, but I think there is peace to find on the other side because you can't you don't really know what it is to crave peace until you've been in absolute chaos, I believe. 01:01:55.199 --> 01:01:57.760 And then you're just like, Oh, I want peace. 01:01:58.400 --> 01:02:21.360 Otherwise, like a lot of people in this society probably just go through the turmoil of everyday life and deal with it, and they aren't pushed so much so far to extreme to just to desperately seek peace and find out what that means and how to um internalize it so they can navigate the world. 01:02:21.840 --> 01:02:22.320 Mm-hmm. 01:02:23.920 --> 01:02:34.000 Yeah, it's um it's definitely uh I don't know, sometimes in order to learn the most important lessons in life, you need to endure the hardest ones. 01:02:34.159 --> 01:02:36.639 I think that's the best way to look at it per se. 01:02:37.280 --> 01:02:54.639 Especially uh especially with with war and what you've been through, but also those who who were on the opposite side of the equation, the ones who had the guns aimed at their heads, uh when reality they were, I guess, in many and and I'd have to say majority of the time, not even a threat under any circumstances. 01:02:56.880 --> 01:02:58.639 Now I will say this. 01:03:00.079 --> 01:03:05.440 There are some men in groups over there that are just savages, and they are horrible. 01:03:05.599 --> 01:03:13.679 Like they are at a very low level of humanity, but they might get along with our politicians. 01:03:16.559 --> 01:03:23.920 Because I believe because our politicians are very bankruptly bankrupt people internally. 01:03:24.559 --> 01:03:30.480 Um but they committed atrocities to their own people also. 01:03:30.960 --> 01:03:53.840 So they aren't they are to say to say for somebody to say that everybody was innocent completely is not by any stretch of the means or any stretch true because they were, like I said, just there was a lot of horrible people that did need to be taken out, but were we the ones to do it? 01:03:54.000 --> 01:03:56.000 You know, we're not the police of the world. 01:03:56.639 --> 01:03:56.800 Yes. 01:03:57.119 --> 01:03:58.480 Was that movie Team America? 01:03:58.559 --> 01:04:03.360 We're like America, if yeah, out to say the motherfucker. 01:04:03.679 --> 01:04:05.760 There was like we're the police of the world. 01:04:05.840 --> 01:04:06.960 And I say, no, we're not. 01:04:07.199 --> 01:04:16.960 We should take care of our own herd because we are in pain and suffering and stopped with the war machine. 01:04:17.119 --> 01:04:23.280 Yes, there's lots of money to be made, but that's not the best way to use our

money and our tax dollars. 01:04:23.679 --> 01:04:24.000 No. 01:04:24.400 --> 01:04:28.079 No, not under any circumstances, that's for sure. 01:04:28.320 --> 01:04:28.719 Yeah. 01:04:29.039 --> 01:04:31.599 And it would be different if we were being invaded. 01:04:32.800 --> 01:04:48.719 If we saw the invasion fleet and the planes and everything, and we're like, all right, let's defend our families versus the other and let's go mess with their soup and totally mess their soup up for years. 01:04:50.159 --> 01:04:52.079 And then just start another war. 01:04:52.800 --> 01:04:53.199 Yeah. 01:04:53.440 --> 01:04:57.119 Like it's I'm laughing at the absurdity of it watching it in real time. 01:04:57.199 --> 01:04:59.039 It's like, oh, there's another war. 01:04:59.199 --> 01:05:04.559 You got it, like and the sad what I thought about the other day, it sucks. 01:05:04.719 --> 01:05:09.280 It's like there's a bunch of young men over there and women that are excited about it. 01:05:09.440 --> 01:05:13.119 They are all about country and they're serving and they're joining up. 01:05:13.599 --> 01:05:14.960 I'm gonna go fight our inn. 01:05:15.840 --> 01:05:41.039 And then there's a whole demographic in America that's all about like hating Islam, you know, and they're like, they're God hating people, you know, and they're and that's like I'm gonna say the demographic of like sixties to eighties year old white men who are like Republican Christians, you're like, yeah, go war, nuke them all, turn it into a glass uh parking lot. 01:05:41.199 --> 01:05:45.519 Like you're you're speaking from a position of ignorance, good sir. 01:05:45.679 --> 01:05:48.079 Like you are locked into dogma. 01:05:48.239 --> 01:05:51.360 You don't understand that we don't need to keep doing war. 01:05:52.000 --> 01:05:59.599 That's a little bit of a This is why like people need to understand that Jack Nicholson was one hundred percent on. 01:06:00.239 --> 01:06:02.159 Honest in the movie A Few Good Men. 01:06:02.400 --> 01:06:04.079 You can't handle the truth. 01:06:04.320 --> 01:06:07.679 Is it one of the most iconic m lines in the history of cinema? 01:06:07.840 --> 01:06:08.400 Absolutely. 01:06:08.559 --> 01:06:12.639 But is it also one of the most honest lines in the history of cinema? 01:06:12.960 --> 01:06:16.719 More honest in the world we live in today than you could possibly imagine. 01:06:17.840 --> 01:06:19.440 And it's a different type of it. 01:06:19.679 --> 01:06:27.840 You know, it's not there, he was like justifying the killing of a Marine of being so strict and regimented. 01:06:28.159 --> 01:06:33.119 We're here, it's like they need to see the truth that war is not the answer. 01:06:34.000 --> 01:06:39.920 It may and the s what sucks is in the movies, it's glorified. 01:06:40.400 --> 01:06:42.559 It's made to look cool, you know. 01:06:42.719 --> 01:06:49.039 And my dad he would be like, Man, you need to watch this war movie, it's a good one. 01:06:49.119 --> 01:06:50.320 You need to watch it. 01:06:50.880 --> 01:06:52.800 And I was just like, What's good about it? 01:06:53.039 --> 01:06:57.440 You know, like I I don't really watch war movies anymore. 01:06:57.599 --> 01:07:05.519 Like, and that's the thing, like I realized he was coming from a place of just absolute ignorance. 01:07:05.920 --> 01:07:07.679 I had no idea what he was talking about. 01:07:08.000 --> 01:07:14.639 And so I was like, all right, let you be ignorant, but don't push for war. 01:07:14.800 --> 01:07:19.519 That's not the best thing, unless it's protecting our backyards. 01:07:19.920 --> 01:07:20.719 I think that's important. 01:07:22.079 --> 01:07:22.800 Yes, yeah. 01:07:22.960 --> 01:07:26.559 And currently the only thing that's invading my backyard is a uh skunk. 01:07:26.719 --> 01:07:27.440 We call him Mr. 01:07:27.599 --> 01:07:28.320 Stinky. 01:07:28.480 --> 01:07:35.519 I I I hate him so much, especially when he decides to uh blow a bomb and our entire apartment smells like his ass. 01:07:35.599 --> 01:07:42.960 And I'm like, by god, I gotta get myself a BB with that's shaped like an AK and just go to town on an He's just hungry. 01:07:43.039 --> 01:07:49.360 He's checking out what the humans are throwing out, the best snacks ever, and he's just leaving you a little love bomb. 01:07:50.159 --> 01:07:59.039 Oh, yeah, I know, but that's the closest thing to a terrorist my wife and I have to deal with is an evil little skunk who comes out and oh my god. 01:07:59.280 --> 01:08:01.360 Yeah, yes, yeah. 01:08:02.079 --> 01:08:03.280 First world problems. 01:08:04.480 --> 01:08:07.840 Yes, yeah, first world problems, definitely. 01:08:08.400 --> 01:08:13.199 And if you want to support this podcast, this is a shout out to all you media junkies out there. 01:08:13.360 --> 01:08:22.560 You want to have a chance to be a guest on the show, you can follow me on Instagram at ATK Media or check me out uh on YouTube at chatterbox-94. 01:08:22.640 --> 01:08:26.079 Don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave your thoughts and comments in the section below. 01:08:26.159 --> 01:08:28.000 You can DM me via Instagram. 01:08:28.159 --> 01:08:33.920 Uh, you can listen into me on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, wherever it is you get your podcasts from. 01:08:34.159 --> 01:08:39.199 For all you vets out there who are listening in on this one, for starters, thank you for your service. 01:08:39.359 --> 01:08:43.600 And if you want to be a guest on Vets Talk Tough, feel free to DM me. 01:08:43.760 --> 01:08:51.199 I'm here not to talk politics, not to talk uh social commotion, not to talk about the propaganda machine. 01:08:51.359 --> 01:08:53.039 I'm here to tell your story. 01:08:56.960 --> 01:09:07.119 Because for those of you out there who don't know what war is and you can't handle the truth, well, listen in and hear the truth. 01:09:07.920 --> 01:09:10.479 Do you mind if I throw a shameless plug in? 01:09:11.359 --> 01:09:12.800 Not under any circumstances. 01:09:12.880 --> 01:09:13.600 I don't mind at all. 01:09:13.920 --> 01:09:21.600 So, um in my journey of healing, I've created a program and I'm in the grassroots phase. 01:09:21.760 --> 01:09:23.840 It's called Uncivilized Rebirth. 01:09:24.000 --> 01:09:37.039 And right now, um I have uh a structure to go through and learn it, and I'm I can coach people through it, veterans specifically, and it's on the school platform, Uncivilized Rebirth. 01:09:37.279 --> 01:09:46.720 And if you're a veteran out there and you're interested in another modality of inner work that may just fit you, check it out. 01:09:46.880 --> 01:09:51.119 It's we'll get on a Zoom call, we'll see if it fits for you. 01:09:51.279 --> 01:09:57.920 And I would love to um help other veterans to navigate the inner world. 01:09:59.680 --> 01:10:03.920 Yes, because it's not everyone needs help right now. 01:10:04.079 --> 01:10:04.560 Everyone. 01:10:04.720 --> 01:10:09.600 We do need to find a way to heal, and we need to find a way to be united once again. 01:10:10.479 --> 01:10:20.720 What is I believe uh Jimmy Carter, he he talked about he said in like 79 or something that we we are dealing with a crisis of confidence. 01:10:21.680 --> 01:10:26.880 And I feel that that's ringing very true now uh in in America. 01:10:28.079 --> 01:10:50.319 Maybe not exactly a full there is a crisis of confidence, but also a crisis of confidence in regards to confident that we as a country can come together and be peaceful and harmonious because that's something that I guess one might say really makes things feel cold and kind of hollow. 01:10:52.560 --> 01:10:55.359 We need a unifying vision, I believe. 01:10:56.079 --> 01:10:58.000 Yes, very much so. 01:10:59.039 --> 01:11:01.039 Paul, it was great having you on the show. 01:11:01.199 --> 01:11:03.119 Thank you very much for your service. 01:11:04.159 --> 01:11:07.600 So until next time, folks, stay high in life. 01:11:07.920 --> 01:11:08.560 Out.