WEBVTT
00:00:01.600 --> 00:00:09.039
Welcome to She's Honestly Mental, a podcast for women who are done pretending they're fine when they're falling apart on the inside.
00:00:09.039 --> 00:00:16.640
I'm your host, Karina Robinson, ADHD Brain, Medicated Mind, and proud mental health hospital alumni.
00:00:16.640 --> 00:00:20.320
Still here, still showing up somehow.
00:00:20.320 --> 00:00:27.039
This is the space for the fillers, the fixers, and the ones who carry it all and still wonder if it's enough.
00:00:27.039 --> 00:00:33.119
We talk about the chaos, the connection, and everything in between because silence nearly killed me.
00:00:33.119 --> 00:00:36.000
And these conversations save lives.
00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:41.520
Alright, cacao in hand, headphones on, chaos semi-contained.
00:00:41.520 --> 00:00:43.600
Let's get honestly mental.
00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:52.079
So in this episode, we're going to talk about why this space matters and why I am done pretending.
00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:55.119
I was probably done pretending a little while ago, but anyway.
00:00:55.119 --> 00:01:13.599
Alright, so guys, let's chat a little bit more about the community, about the big vision, and how honestly grateful I am to have you here in this space with me.
00:01:13.599 --> 00:01:24.000
Because if it wasn't for you guys, and I feel like I'm just saying this to like probably my only two listeners, and to be honest, they're probably my best friends.
00:01:24.000 --> 00:01:28.000
Or it's actually Laura who's doing the editing for me.
00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:32.000
Like, if it's any more than that, fuck, thank you.
00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:40.319
So I built this space because I really couldn't find one like it.
00:01:40.319 --> 00:01:46.799
There's lots of spaces out there and lots of people out there that are like, I'm a life coach, and I've definitely been down this path before.
00:01:46.799 --> 00:01:58.959
So um, if you've been following along for a while, you know I've kind of dabbled with like coaching and wanting to be a dueler and like trying to help people with their business, be an online business manager and all of these things.
00:01:58.959 --> 00:02:01.599
And I remember talking to Courtney.
00:02:01.599 --> 00:02:03.680
Shout out to Courtney from Steekin Wilder.
00:02:03.680 --> 00:02:06.719
Um she's my astrologist and she's fucking amazing.
00:02:06.719 --> 00:02:10.560
She's one of my tools in my toolbox of my support.
00:02:10.560 --> 00:02:25.280
And one of my other friends thinks it's absolutely hilarious because I'll be sitting here talking about like dead serious stuff, whether it's buildings, SOPs, talking about HR, business structure, all of these, you know, marketing and stuff like that.
00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:34.240
And then I'll come out with, well, my astrologist actually said to me that I'm in my Chiron season and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:02:34.240 --> 00:02:36.560
So this currently means X, Y, Z.
00:02:36.560 --> 00:02:46.000
Or in my human design, I'm a generator and I have an open throat, which means, and she's just like, dude, you clearly are ADHD.
00:02:46.400 --> 00:02:48.560
I was like, oh, yeah, dad.
00:02:49.439 --> 00:02:54.400
So for me, this space is not about fixing.
00:02:54.400 --> 00:03:03.039
It's not about telling you how these are your 10 steps, how to build boundaries and how to do these hard conversations and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:03:03.039 --> 00:03:11.599
This podcast is about really honoring you and that space of where you're at and helping you build your toolbox and helping you find the support that you need.
00:03:11.599 --> 00:03:18.479
I created, she's honestly mental was funny because, like you can scroll back through my Instagram.
00:03:18.479 --> 00:03:34.319
I've probably had it for about eight or nine years, and it's gone from selling doTERRA essential oils to being a hypnobirthing practitioner, to being a dualer, to then kind of just being a personal blog where I just openly spoke about my mental health.
00:03:34.319 --> 00:03:35.919
And then I was like, oh, hang on a minute.
00:03:35.919 --> 00:03:42.319
I want to be a VA, I want to be an online business manager, so like let's just switch gears and all these other things.
00:03:42.319 --> 00:03:45.120
And I remember when we had our third baby.
00:03:45.120 --> 00:03:48.719
So we've got three boys, 12, 10, and two and a half.
00:03:48.719 --> 00:03:53.439
And holy shit, love these guys so much, but they are my biggest teachers.
00:03:53.439 --> 00:03:54.719
I tell you what.
00:03:54.719 --> 00:04:03.199
I was sitting there breastfeeding my third baby, and I just said to my husband, like, I just had this wild idea.
00:04:03.199 --> 00:04:06.879
I was like, oh my gosh, I'm honestly mental.
00:04:06.879 --> 00:04:07.680
That's it.
00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:08.719
Honestly mental.
00:04:08.719 --> 00:04:09.759
Like, that's the brand.
00:04:09.759 --> 00:04:12.159
Like, that's my new Instagram handle.
00:04:12.159 --> 00:04:13.280
I want merch.
00:04:13.280 --> 00:04:14.719
I want stickers.
00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:15.680
I want a community.
00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:16.720
Like, I want all the things.
00:04:16.720 --> 00:04:18.000
I'm gonna be able to help women.
00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:19.839
I'm gonna be able to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:04:19.839 --> 00:04:22.720
And like, dudes, that was two and a half years ago.
00:04:22.720 --> 00:04:26.639
And we're here now, uh, August 2025.
00:04:26.639 --> 00:04:28.959
And I'm kind of just beginning now.
00:04:28.959 --> 00:04:32.240
Like, it's percolating, it's fermenting.
00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:34.000
This is all in my time.
00:04:34.000 --> 00:04:36.639
This is all when it feels right.
00:04:36.639 --> 00:04:38.800
This is not me forcing.
00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:46.399
Because I know when I force, when I try to sell, when I try to be strategic and all these other things, the universe is like, Karina jokes.
00:04:46.399 --> 00:04:48.800
You have no control over this bitch.
00:04:48.800 --> 00:04:54.319
You can sit in the passenger seat for a bit and like let me take you for a drive.
00:04:54.319 --> 00:05:03.439
And it's gonna be really fucking scenic because when taking the shortcut these days, we are taking the beautiful, winding coastal road through all the mountains.
00:05:03.439 --> 00:05:09.600
It's probably actually gonna make you a little bit karstic, but anyway, it'll just build character.
00:05:09.600 --> 00:05:12.319
Like I said, I don't know where this is gonna go.
00:05:12.319 --> 00:05:18.399
As someone with verbal diarrhea and loves a good spiral, I'm trusting the process.
00:05:18.399 --> 00:05:20.560
So I have one little thing.
00:05:20.560 --> 00:05:23.759
So we've got the messy middle, which is my online community.
00:05:23.759 --> 00:05:29.519
You can follow the link in my bio in my Instagram at She's Honestly Mental, but it's a free community.
00:05:29.519 --> 00:05:33.040
It's built to be able to hold women where they're at.
00:05:33.040 --> 00:05:37.519
And so the really cool thing that I love about the messy middle is we have an offload checklist.
00:05:37.519 --> 00:05:45.439
So the offload checklist is a way to be able to provide safety for the people participating in the group.
00:05:45.439 --> 00:05:55.920
And so, like, if you want to vent, you want to be like, oh my god, my husband's such a jerk, he spilt my milk or whatever, or he didn't put the toilet seat down.
00:05:55.920 --> 00:06:01.199
Like, get that vent because like just getting it off your chest in a safe place is okay.
00:06:01.199 --> 00:06:02.480
But it's like you preface it.
00:06:02.480 --> 00:06:08.480
You're like, vent incoming, my husband is a jerk, or my kids, they're so XYZ.
00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:09.759
And there's like zero judgment.
00:06:09.759 --> 00:06:13.519
We like meet you where you're at, you know, everyone's on their own journey.
00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:21.040
And then by just being like, This is a vent, people can comment lol's same, or like, oh my gosh, I get it.
00:06:21.040 --> 00:06:24.319
But it just helps like normalize, like you're not on your own.
00:06:24.319 --> 00:06:27.360
But then the other things too is like you need advice.
00:06:27.360 --> 00:06:30.879
You're like, hey, I'm chasing advice, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:06:30.879 --> 00:06:34.240
And it then gives safety around the person responding.
00:06:34.240 --> 00:06:36.160
They're like, Oh, this person's just venting.
00:06:36.160 --> 00:06:37.600
I don't actually need to say anything.
00:06:37.600 --> 00:06:40.959
Like, they just want a little love heart emoji or something.
00:06:40.959 --> 00:06:45.040
Or they're actually asking for how do you build structure in your day?
00:06:45.040 --> 00:06:50.560
Like, one of the things we struggle with at home is like trying to get our boys to do jobs around the house.
00:06:50.560 --> 00:06:55.040
And one of my friends, who's a school psych, she's just an absolute legend.
00:06:55.040 --> 00:07:00.560
She shared the other day on her Instagram, she's like, I've created a habit tracker for my kids.
00:07:00.560 --> 00:07:05.120
And since I've changed it from being a chore chart to a habit tracker, the kids are frothing.
00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:06.800
They're absolutely loving it.
00:07:06.800 --> 00:07:08.079
And I was like, okay, cool.
00:07:08.079 --> 00:07:10.639
Let me gamify this for my kids.
00:07:10.639 --> 00:07:19.120
And so I jumped on Canva and a little chat GPT and I gamified this habit tracker for my kids, and I had to sign a little contract, and they earn XP.
00:07:19.120 --> 00:07:21.279
So if your kids are gamers, you know what it is.
00:07:21.279 --> 00:07:25.680
I don't even understand some of the things that I put in this little contract for them, but they're frothing over it.
00:07:25.680 --> 00:07:30.240
And this week I'm away and my husband's at home with them, and he's like, they're actually doing it.
00:07:30.240 --> 00:07:34.160
Someone is the Kitchen King for the week, and the other one's a laundry legend for the week.
00:07:34.160 --> 00:07:36.800
And they're owning those spaces.
00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:39.759
So it was like, this is what actually works for their brains.
00:07:39.759 --> 00:07:43.360
So let's be in a space where we find things that work for the brains.
00:07:43.360 --> 00:07:48.480
And like connecting and collaborating and all of these things is just so important in life.
00:07:48.480 --> 00:07:54.480
And that's why I really believe that sharing my story is a way to be able to build connection.
00:07:54.480 --> 00:08:05.439
One of the first stories that I read that helped me go, holy shit, it is not just me, is Brene Brown's Braving the Wilderness.
00:08:05.439 --> 00:08:15.199
She talks about her story of growing up, being like the only white girl at an all-black school, these kind of things, and like her naming Brene.
00:08:15.199 --> 00:08:18.000
I fuck, I just love that woman so much.
00:08:18.000 --> 00:08:21.360
It just really normalized girlhood for me.
00:08:21.360 --> 00:08:23.839
And then she talks a lot about her relationship with her husband.
00:08:23.839 --> 00:08:30.639
She speaks so much about shame and how much we like shame on ourselves and like shame and should are like in the same boat for me.
00:08:30.639 --> 00:08:33.200
They're like, would you shit on yourself?
00:08:33.200 --> 00:08:34.159
No.
00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:36.559
So why are you shooting on yourself?
00:08:36.559 --> 00:08:38.799
Like, why are you covering yourself in shame?
00:08:38.799 --> 00:08:41.759
Like, ooh, no, we don't do that here.
00:08:41.759 --> 00:08:43.440
We don't do that here.
00:08:43.440 --> 00:08:45.519
We just go, you know what?
00:08:45.519 --> 00:08:47.840
I'm just in a really shit spot at the moment.
00:08:47.840 --> 00:08:52.320
Like, no, I should be cleaning the house or I should be folding the washing or blah, blah, blah.
00:08:52.320 --> 00:08:56.080
Like, we're just like just honoring where we're at.
00:08:56.080 --> 00:08:58.399
The washing will be there tomorrow.
00:08:58.399 --> 00:08:59.679
Can be done tomorrow.
00:08:59.679 --> 00:09:01.679
That's why they invented washing machines, you know?
00:09:01.679 --> 00:09:03.440
Gotta do a rinse cycle three times.
00:09:03.440 --> 00:09:03.840
Cool.
00:09:03.840 --> 00:09:04.799
Me too.
00:09:04.799 --> 00:09:09.600
I'm not the first one, and you're definitely not the first one, and you're definitely not the only one that does that.
00:09:09.600 --> 00:09:11.279
I couldn't even tell you the amount of times.
00:09:11.279 --> 00:09:15.200
That's why I've got a laundry legend at home and my kids do a lot of this stuff for me.
00:09:15.200 --> 00:09:17.679
So that's what the messy middle is about.
00:09:17.679 --> 00:09:20.320
It's like dishonoring that space.
00:09:20.320 --> 00:09:21.919
We don't need to wear masks here.
00:09:21.919 --> 00:09:23.519
You don't need to clean up the mess.
00:09:23.519 --> 00:09:25.279
Like, I'm coming over to your house.
00:09:25.279 --> 00:09:26.639
Please don't do the dishes.
00:09:26.639 --> 00:09:28.240
Like, please don't perform for me.
00:09:28.240 --> 00:09:29.759
We don't do performances here.
00:09:29.759 --> 00:09:30.879
We just do real.
00:09:30.879 --> 00:09:37.440
I suppose I want to give a little bit more of a snippet of my second hospital admission.
00:09:37.440 --> 00:09:46.320
So, my second hospital admission was when I was hospitalized in December and I was home just before Christmas.
00:09:46.320 --> 00:09:49.840
And that was just, I feel like I was in an alternate universe.
00:09:49.840 --> 00:09:52.000
I was so heavily medicated.
00:09:52.000 --> 00:09:53.919
I wasn't functioning.
00:09:53.919 --> 00:10:02.399
Like I could do the things, but I just didn't have a lot of brain capacity because the medication had really dulled me out, which is what my body needed at the time.
00:10:02.399 --> 00:10:08.879
It's like when you break your leg, you put the cast on, you leave the cast on until the leg is healed.
00:10:08.879 --> 00:10:13.600
At that time, my brain and my body really needed to reset.
00:10:13.600 --> 00:10:19.519
And that's where the use of medication was so amazing because it was able to help my body reset.
00:10:19.519 --> 00:10:23.759
And it gave me the opportunity, and this is something I'll talk about a little bit later.
00:10:23.759 --> 00:10:27.919
We'll talk about like neural pathways and all of these really cool things.
00:10:27.919 --> 00:10:38.799
But it's if you start to tell yourself the same thing over and over and over again, your body will believe it in its DNA, in its genetics and everything.
00:10:38.799 --> 00:10:41.279
Like it truly believes it.
00:10:41.279 --> 00:10:49.440
And so that's why sometimes when you're saying affirmations, like I am worthy, I am beautiful, I am loved, they make you want to vomit.
00:10:49.440 --> 00:10:58.240
One really cool little thing that I remember some naturopath homeopath told me about, or kinesiologist, whatever.
00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:00.799
I like, I've done all the modalities, I feel like.
00:11:00.799 --> 00:11:10.240
She goes, It's something like, I truly love and accept myself as I am, as I was, and as I always will be.
00:11:10.240 --> 00:11:17.360
And that was really powerful for me because I was like, huh, I do love myself.
00:11:17.360 --> 00:11:18.960
And it's really big.
00:11:18.960 --> 00:11:29.519
So yeah, when those affirmations and stuff like that make you feel like gross, or there's no way that that could be true about me, just like baby steps, babe.
00:11:29.519 --> 00:11:44.480
Like you walk around my house and I've got like little sticky notes of like you can and you can choose, and those things, and they might not feel true or doable in the time, but the more I see them, the more I'm like, oh, actually, yeah.
00:11:44.480 --> 00:11:45.840
Yeah.
00:11:45.840 --> 00:11:53.360
I remember I've been journaling on and off for the last I don't know, long time, 10 years, I suppose.
00:11:53.360 --> 00:11:56.000
And very sporadically.
00:11:56.000 --> 00:12:00.159
And I've always kind of said to myself, like, I am proud of you.
00:12:00.159 --> 00:12:04.080
I am super proud of you, or proud of me.
00:12:04.080 --> 00:12:11.919
Like, I'm really proud of me for whatever I managed to achieve that day, or whatever I know that I've been able to grow over that period.
00:12:11.919 --> 00:12:15.759
It's just powerful the things that you say to yourself.
00:12:15.759 --> 00:12:22.480
So rewind, I was discharged just before Christmas, 2019.
00:12:22.480 --> 00:12:38.399
And then New Year's 2020, like so January 2020, I managed to convince my husband that even with all of the medication that I'm on, it would be totally okay for me to fall pregnant.
00:12:38.399 --> 00:12:40.000
Loser.
00:12:40.000 --> 00:12:44.320
Absolutely, that's a no for me.
00:12:44.320 --> 00:12:47.440
But I did, I fell pregnant straight away.
00:12:47.440 --> 00:12:51.440
And I remember flying to Perth to see my psychiatrist for a checkup.
00:12:51.440 --> 00:12:55.120
I think it was like six weeks after I'd been discharged.
00:12:55.120 --> 00:12:58.159
And I was like, surprise, I'm pregnant.
00:12:58.159 --> 00:13:01.600
And honestly, you could have seen her jaw hit the floor.
00:13:01.600 --> 00:13:09.039
And she's like, Karina, no, the medication that you're on could actually cause a spontaneous abortion.
00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:14.879
And I was like, you know, like if that's what happens, it's meant to be, I'll be fine.
00:13:14.879 --> 00:13:16.720
Like, it's God's plan.
00:13:16.720 --> 00:13:29.120
And so then the next week I went and had a scan, and the scenographer was like, Look, the baby's a little bit small for the time like at the time, like maybe you're not so far along as you thought.
00:13:29.120 --> 00:13:30.159
There's no heartbeat there.
00:13:30.159 --> 00:13:33.200
And I was like, okay, cool, go back in a week and have a scan.
00:13:33.200 --> 00:13:40.639
And then at like, remember going to the toilet at like 2:30 that afternoon and started bleeding.
00:13:40.639 --> 00:13:44.000
And I rang the doctor's surgery straight away.
00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:48.159
And my doctor, who used to be an obstetrician, he's like, come down.
00:13:48.159 --> 00:13:53.919
And went down and he said, Look, doll, like it's not looking great, but these things could happen.
00:13:53.919 --> 00:13:55.200
We'll just see what happens.
00:13:55.200 --> 00:14:00.720
And then the next morning, I was like, that was it.
00:14:00.720 --> 00:14:02.559
I lost the pregnancy.
00:14:02.559 --> 00:14:06.960
And so I remember honestly the pain.
00:14:06.960 --> 00:14:08.320
I felt like I was in labor.
00:14:08.320 --> 00:14:09.200
It was just insane.
00:14:09.200 --> 00:14:10.320
It was horrible.
00:14:10.320 --> 00:14:17.440
So I went up to the ED and I got this nurse, and she was just like, What's wrong?
00:14:17.440 --> 00:14:21.840
And I was like, Well, I miss Carrie, and she's just okay.
00:14:21.840 --> 00:14:23.679
And what's your medical history?
00:14:23.679 --> 00:14:27.360
And so I just had to tell her about the mental health stuff and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:14:27.360 --> 00:14:35.679
And she's like, okay, well, we'll have to just put that under mental health, like admit you, kind of like bring you in under mental health instead of maternity.
00:14:35.679 --> 00:14:40.159
And I was like, you're just literally rubbing the salt in the wound.
00:14:40.159 --> 00:14:41.360
Do you need to?
00:14:41.360 --> 00:14:47.440
Like, please just honor where I'm at right now and I'm really fucking struggling and I'm in a fucking shit ton of pain.
00:14:47.440 --> 00:14:48.960
And I'm not okay.
00:14:48.960 --> 00:14:50.799
It doesn't matter if I'm here for mental health.
00:14:50.799 --> 00:14:53.279
It doesn't matter if I'm here just because I want to chit-chat.
00:14:53.279 --> 00:14:54.960
Like, please don't.
00:14:54.960 --> 00:14:59.519
I'll preface this in saying, like, not all medical professionals are like that.
00:14:59.519 --> 00:15:09.279
And I'd like to say there's less medical professionals like that these days than what there was years ago, just because of how openly people talk about mental health these days.
00:15:09.279 --> 00:15:12.320
So we lost that beautiful baby.
00:15:12.320 --> 00:15:17.279
And the same time my husband was like, Oh, by the way, I want to start my own business.
00:15:17.279 --> 00:15:19.600
And I was like, Are you fucking kidding me?
00:15:19.600 --> 00:15:24.960
Like at that time, he was the leading hand for my parents with their earth-moving construction business.
00:15:24.960 --> 00:15:33.120
And literally the day before things were pretty heated and I was not doing great.
00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:42.720
And something was going on with my eldest, and he's had asthma his whole life, and he was coughing heaps, and I was just in bed, like melting down.
00:15:42.720 --> 00:15:47.840
And I yelled at my husband, I'm like, just fucking give him his medication.
00:15:47.840 --> 00:15:55.679
And I just hate it when I get like this sometimes, but this is a bit like of the PTSD stuff.
00:15:55.679 --> 00:15:59.679
And I was just super fucking triggered, I suppose is the word for it.
00:15:59.679 --> 00:16:05.440
And I went out there and I grabbed his medicine bag and I threw it so hard against the wall.
00:16:05.440 --> 00:16:10.240
And of course, then the shame spiral hit me, and I was like, You're a fucking dickhead, you're an idiot.
00:16:10.240 --> 00:16:17.919
So I just walked out of the house and I left, and I didn't have my phone on, I didn't have shoes on.
00:16:17.919 --> 00:16:19.759
And like this is a thing.
00:16:19.759 --> 00:16:24.960
Like I grew up with like you never left the house without having shoes on.
00:16:24.960 --> 00:16:26.559
We don't do that.
00:16:26.559 --> 00:16:29.360
We are not seen in public without shoes on.
00:16:29.360 --> 00:16:37.759
And I walked up to the bridge and I kind of just looked and I went, I'm done.
00:16:37.759 --> 00:16:41.759
And I actually just a little bit was like, God, is this it for me?
00:16:41.759 --> 00:16:50.960
And I kept walking and I walked past friends' houses that I know that I could have walked into and asked for help.
00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:54.799
And I had no idea what was going on.
00:16:54.799 --> 00:17:02.480
And I know now that they call it disassociated, where you're actually not in your body.
00:17:02.480 --> 00:17:10.720
And I realized now, obviously, having gone through my mental health of how often I would disassociate.
00:17:10.720 --> 00:17:12.079
And it was a lot.
00:17:12.079 --> 00:17:20.240
I was flying to Perth the next day to see my psychiatrist and got meet with my brother to meet the bookkeeper and all of the other things.
00:17:20.240 --> 00:17:26.880
And I just said to myself, like, I went and sat on the beach, and I just was like, okay, I'll sleep here the night.
00:17:26.880 --> 00:17:28.799
I just I can't go home.
00:17:28.799 --> 00:17:30.079
I'm done.
00:17:30.079 --> 00:17:32.240
I don't know what to do.
00:17:32.240 --> 00:17:41.359
And then I just kind of got up and kept walking, and I was like, I really hope no one sees me because I'm actually really fucking crazy right now and I'm like losing my shit.
00:17:41.359 --> 00:17:48.559
And I walked to my in-laws' house and I could hear my kids laughing.
00:17:48.559 --> 00:17:53.759
So I knew my kids were safe, but I also then probably knew that my husband was out looking for me.
00:17:53.759 --> 00:18:08.799
And I feel so shit about this, but just the whole thing, like I'm just so grateful for him for someone to love me so deeply when I couldn't love myself.
00:18:08.799 --> 00:18:10.000
Like, fuck.
00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:12.240
That's a thing, right?
00:18:12.240 --> 00:18:21.680
And I I press my mother-in-law's, like, she's got like this fancy gate thing, and I press the like doorbell, and I just was like, It's me.
00:18:21.680 --> 00:18:23.039
Can you please take me home?
00:18:23.039 --> 00:18:31.119
And she's just come out and we've just given me a hug, we've jumped in the car and she's taken me home to my husband, and my kids had no idea that I was there.
00:18:31.119 --> 00:18:34.559
And yeah, it just was a lot, like it was a lot.
00:18:34.559 --> 00:18:43.200
And the next day I jumped on the plane, I flew to Perth, I met with my brother, and you know, like we went to the casino and we did all the things and everything was fine.
00:18:43.200 --> 00:18:56.319
And then the next day when I saw my psychiatrist, I actually had an appointment with a psychologist, and she's like, Oh, um, Karina, I don't really think that you're you're safe right now, and I don't really know if you should be going home.
00:18:56.319 --> 00:19:00.799
And I was like, Oh, no, I'm good, like, I'm fine, like, let's keep going.
00:19:00.799 --> 00:19:10.000
And by the time I'd walked from my psychologist's office to my psychiatrist's office, the psychologist, like, and there's literally like 20 meters between the two of them.
00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:13.519
The psychologist had rung the psychiatrist and kind of given her a bit of a heads up.
00:19:13.519 --> 00:19:22.640
And I sat down, I spoke to the psychiatrist, and she's just like, if you're happy to, I really think the best thing for you to do is to be readmitted.
00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:27.680
I was just like, um, okay if you say so.
00:19:27.680 --> 00:19:30.799
And just so fucking grateful my sister.
00:19:30.799 --> 00:19:34.400
She worked around the corner and I I rang her and I was like, you need to come get me.
00:19:34.400 --> 00:19:36.480
Please come and get me.
00:19:37.119 --> 00:19:49.039
Being someone who has always looked after everyone else, I really, really needed someone to hold me.
00:19:50.079 --> 00:20:13.920
And I think that's what I found so helpful in getting the support that I needed and being in hospital because I was able to have that space where someone else could look after me and just give me that break from reality for a little bit.
00:20:15.200 --> 00:20:18.160
And that's why I openly talk about this.
00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:39.839
Because being in a mental health hospital isn't straight jackets, it's not being in pattered rooms, it's group therapy, it's conversations, it's about being held, it's about having access to doctors and specialists and nurses that are trained in holding space for people that are not well.
00:20:39.839 --> 00:20:45.920
It's just so important that we have these conversations, that we normalize them.
00:20:45.920 --> 00:20:57.680
And I really hope that the people that have supported me and loved me through all of my mess truly know how grateful I am.
00:20:57.680 --> 00:21:14.880
And I always say those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter, because the people that I were worried that I was really worried about making judgment of me and all of the rest of it, I actually have learnt not to give a fuck about them.
00:21:14.880 --> 00:21:20.400
Because the people who truly know me, truly love me, and want me to be here.
00:21:20.400 --> 00:21:25.680
So that's a bit more about my story.
00:21:25.680 --> 00:21:32.640
And holy shit, when I say I'm grateful to be alive and I'm grateful to be here, I truly, truly mean it.
00:21:32.640 --> 00:21:34.400
I'm really excited.
00:21:34.400 --> 00:21:35.920
I'm excited for this podcast.
00:21:35.920 --> 00:21:39.759
I'm excited to see where she's honestly mental lands.
00:21:39.759 --> 00:21:50.880
I would really love to be able to build a not-for-profit, one that can help pay for women who can't afford to get the support that they need.
00:21:50.880 --> 00:22:08.079
And I really hope that by the time I actually leave this planet, leave this universe, leave this world, that prioritizing your mental health is just as normal as prioritizing your physical health.
00:22:08.079 --> 00:22:17.759
I hope that as my children grow up, it's completely normal to discuss things and to be like, hey, I'm actually really struggling and to be met with empathy instead of judgment.
00:22:17.759 --> 00:22:19.359
How amazing.
00:22:19.359 --> 00:22:24.559
Thanks for joining me for another episode of She's Honestly Mental.
00:22:24.559 --> 00:22:39.039
Make sure you jump into my Instagram and check out the links in my bio because if you haven't actually already stalked me on socials, you're missing out because my content's so funny.
00:22:39.039 --> 00:22:41.680
But I've got the messy middle, which is the group.
00:22:41.680 --> 00:22:42.160
It's free.
00:22:42.160 --> 00:22:43.920
Did I mention that it's actually for free?
00:22:43.920 --> 00:22:46.559
Because I'm not here to make money off of this.
00:22:46.559 --> 00:22:56.960
Anything that I make off of She's Honestly Mental or anything is actually going to be put aside for funding my not-for-profit eventually.
00:22:56.960 --> 00:23:04.480
So that's like I say, my big, scary, audacious goal, the one that makes me want to spew, but the one that I feel like I've been put on this planet to do.
00:23:04.480 --> 00:23:10.400
And I really, really hate selling to people.
00:23:10.400 --> 00:23:11.359
It's gross.
00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:13.680
Did you I also do the chaos letters?
00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:21.039
Anyway, so the chaos letters is like a one-time kind of once a week, maybe twice a week, once every second week whenever I feel like it.
00:23:21.039 --> 00:23:26.880
I just have this chaos that's in my brain that I kind of like voice note and then drop it into an email and send it out.
00:23:26.880 --> 00:23:32.000
So come hang out at the messy middle, subscribe to the chaos letters, and keep listening.
00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:33.519
Thanks for joining.
00:23:33.519 --> 00:23:37.200
Thanks for hanging out with me on She's Honestly Mentor.
00:23:37.200 --> 00:23:46.960
If today's episode cracked open something inside of you or gave you space to exhale, come say hi over at Instagram at She's Honestly Mentor.
00:23:46.960 --> 00:23:50.720
Or send this to someone who needs to hear that they're not alone.
00:23:50.720 --> 00:23:57.279
And if you haven't yet, hit that follow button so the next episode lands in your messy feed right where it belongs.
00:23:57.279 --> 00:23:59.759
Until next time, take care of your brain.
00:23:59.759 --> 00:24:00.960
You're not broken.
00:24:00.960 --> 00:24:02.480
You're just honestly mental.
00:24:02.480 --> 00:24:04.160
And all the best people are.
00:00:01.600 --> 00:00:09.039
Welcome to She's Honestly Mental, a podcast for women who are done pretending they're fine when they're falling apart on the inside.
00:00:09.039 --> 00:00:16.640
I'm your host, Karina Robinson, ADHD Brain, Medicated Mind, and proud mental health hospital alumni.
00:00:16.640 --> 00:00:20.320
Still here, still showing up somehow.
00:00:20.320 --> 00:00:27.039
This is the space for the fillers, the fixers, and the ones who carry it all and still wonder if it's enough.
00:00:27.039 --> 00:00:33.119
We talk about the chaos, the connection, and everything in between because silence nearly killed me.
00:00:33.119 --> 00:00:36.000
And these conversations save lives.
00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:41.520
Alright, cacao in hand, headphones on, chaos semi-contained.
00:00:41.520 --> 00:00:43.600
Let's get honestly mental.
00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:52.079
So in this episode, we're going to talk about why this space matters and why I am done pretending.
00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:55.119
I was probably done pretending a little while ago, but anyway.
00:00:55.119 --> 00:01:13.599
Alright, so guys, let's chat a little bit more about the community, about the big vision, and how honestly grateful I am to have you here in this space with me.
00:01:13.599 --> 00:01:24.000
Because if it wasn't for you guys, and I feel like I'm just saying this to like probably my only two listeners, and to be honest, they're probably my best friends.
00:01:24.000 --> 00:01:28.000
Or it's actually Laura who's doing the editing for me.
00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:32.000
Like, if it's any more than that, fuck, thank you.
00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:40.319
So I built this space because I really couldn't find one like it.
00:01:40.319 --> 00:01:46.799
There's lots of spaces out there and lots of people out there that are like, I'm a life coach, and I've definitely been down this path before.
00:01:46.799 --> 00:01:58.959
So um, if you've been following along for a while, you know I've kind of dabbled with like coaching and wanting to be a dueler and like trying to help people with their business, be an online business manager and all of these things.
00:01:58.959 --> 00:02:01.599
And I remember talking to Courtney.
00:02:01.599 --> 00:02:03.680
Shout out to Courtney from Steekin Wilder.
00:02:03.680 --> 00:02:06.719
Um she's my astrologist and she's fucking amazing.
00:02:06.719 --> 00:02:10.560
She's one of my tools in my toolbox of my support.
00:02:10.560 --> 00:02:25.280
And one of my other friends thinks it's absolutely hilarious because I'll be sitting here talking about like dead serious stuff, whether it's buildings, SOPs, talking about HR, business structure, all of these, you know, marketing and stuff like that.
00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:34.240
And then I'll come out with, well, my astrologist actually said to me that I'm in my Chiron season and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:02:34.240 --> 00:02:36.560
So this currently means X, Y, Z.
00:02:36.560 --> 00:02:46.000
Or in my human design, I'm a generator and I have an open throat, which means, and she's just like, dude, you clearly are ADHD.
00:02:46.400 --> 00:02:48.560
I was like, oh, yeah, dad.
00:02:49.439 --> 00:02:54.400
So for me, this space is not about fixing.
00:02:54.400 --> 00:03:03.039
It's not about telling you how these are your 10 steps, how to build boundaries and how to do these hard conversations and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:03:03.039 --> 00:03:11.599
This podcast is about really honoring you and that space of where you're at and helping you build your toolbox and helping you find the support that you need.
00:03:11.599 --> 00:03:18.479
I created, she's honestly mental was funny because, like you can scroll back through my Instagram.
00:03:18.479 --> 00:03:34.319
I've probably had it for about eight or nine years, and it's gone from selling doTERRA essential oils to being a hypnobirthing practitioner, to being a dualer, to then kind of just being a personal blog where I just openly spoke about my mental health.
00:03:34.319 --> 00:03:35.919
And then I was like, oh, hang on a minute.
00:03:35.919 --> 00:03:42.319
I want to be a VA, I want to be an online business manager, so like let's just switch gears and all these other things.
00:03:42.319 --> 00:03:45.120
And I remember when we had our third baby.
00:03:45.120 --> 00:03:48.719
So we've got three boys, 12, 10, and two and a half.
00:03:48.719 --> 00:03:53.439
And holy shit, love these guys so much, but they are my biggest teachers.
00:03:53.439 --> 00:03:54.719
I tell you what.
00:03:54.719 --> 00:04:03.199
I was sitting there breastfeeding my third baby, and I just said to my husband, like, I just had this wild idea.
00:04:03.199 --> 00:04:06.879
I was like, oh my gosh, I'm honestly mental.
00:04:06.879 --> 00:04:07.680
That's it.
00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:08.719
Honestly mental.
00:04:08.719 --> 00:04:09.759
Like, that's the brand.
00:04:09.759 --> 00:04:12.159
Like, that's my new Instagram handle.
00:04:12.159 --> 00:04:13.280
I want merch.
00:04:13.280 --> 00:04:14.719
I want stickers.
00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:15.680
I want a community.
00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:16.720
Like, I want all the things.
00:04:16.720 --> 00:04:18.000
I'm gonna be able to help women.
00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:19.839
I'm gonna be able to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:04:19.839 --> 00:04:22.720
And like, dudes, that was two and a half years ago.
00:04:22.720 --> 00:04:26.639
And we're here now, uh, August 2025.
00:04:26.639 --> 00:04:28.959
And I'm kind of just beginning now.
00:04:28.959 --> 00:04:32.240
Like, it's percolating, it's fermenting.
00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:34.000
This is all in my time.
00:04:34.000 --> 00:04:36.639
This is all when it feels right.
00:04:36.639 --> 00:04:38.800
This is not me forcing.
00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:46.399
Because I know when I force, when I try to sell, when I try to be strategic and all these other things, the universe is like, Karina jokes.
00:04:46.399 --> 00:04:48.800
You have no control over this bitch.
00:04:48.800 --> 00:04:54.319
You can sit in the passenger seat for a bit and like let me take you for a drive.
00:04:54.319 --> 00:05:03.439
And it's gonna be really fucking scenic because when taking the shortcut these days, we are taking the beautiful, winding coastal road through all the mountains.
00:05:03.439 --> 00:05:09.600
It's probably actually gonna make you a little bit karstic, but anyway, it'll just build character.
00:05:09.600 --> 00:05:12.319
Like I said, I don't know where this is gonna go.
00:05:12.319 --> 00:05:18.399
As someone with verbal diarrhea and loves a good spiral, I'm trusting the process.
00:05:18.399 --> 00:05:20.560
So I have one little thing.
00:05:20.560 --> 00:05:23.759
So we've got the messy middle, which is my online community.
00:05:23.759 --> 00:05:29.519
You can follow the link in my bio in my Instagram at She's Honestly Mental, but it's a free community.
00:05:29.519 --> 00:05:33.040
It's built to be able to hold women where they're at.
00:05:33.040 --> 00:05:37.519
And so the really cool thing that I love about the messy middle is we have an offload checklist.
00:05:37.519 --> 00:05:45.439
So the offload checklist is a way to be able to provide safety for the people participating in the group.
00:05:45.439 --> 00:05:55.920
And so, like, if you want to vent, you want to be like, oh my god, my husband's such a jerk, he spilt my milk or whatever, or he didn't put the toilet seat down.
00:05:55.920 --> 00:06:01.199
Like, get that vent because like just getting it off your chest in a safe place is okay.
00:06:01.199 --> 00:06:02.480
But it's like you preface it.
00:06:02.480 --> 00:06:08.480
You're like, vent incoming, my husband is a jerk, or my kids, they're so XYZ.
00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:09.759
And there's like zero judgment.
00:06:09.759 --> 00:06:13.519
We like meet you where you're at, you know, everyone's on their own journey.
00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:21.040
And then by just being like, This is a vent, people can comment lol's same, or like, oh my gosh, I get it.
00:06:21.040 --> 00:06:24.319
But it just helps like normalize, like you're not on your own.
00:06:24.319 --> 00:06:27.360
But then the other things too is like you need advice.
00:06:27.360 --> 00:06:30.879
You're like, hey, I'm chasing advice, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:06:30.879 --> 00:06:34.240
And it then gives safety around the person responding.
00:06:34.240 --> 00:06:36.160
They're like, Oh, this person's just venting.
00:06:36.160 --> 00:06:37.600
I don't actually need to say anything.
00:06:37.600 --> 00:06:40.959
Like, they just want a little love heart emoji or something.
00:06:40.959 --> 00:06:45.040
Or they're actually asking for how do you build structure in your day?
00:06:45.040 --> 00:06:50.560
Like, one of the things we struggle with at home is like trying to get our boys to do jobs around the house.
00:06:50.560 --> 00:06:55.040
And one of my friends, who's a school psych, she's just an absolute legend.
00:06:55.040 --> 00:07:00.560
She shared the other day on her Instagram, she's like, I've created a habit tracker for my kids.
00:07:00.560 --> 00:07:05.120
And since I've changed it from being a chore chart to a habit tracker, the kids are frothing.
00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:06.800
They're absolutely loving it.
00:07:06.800 --> 00:07:08.079
And I was like, okay, cool.
00:07:08.079 --> 00:07:10.639
Let me gamify this for my kids.
00:07:10.639 --> 00:07:19.120
And so I jumped on Canva and a little chat GPT and I gamified this habit tracker for my kids, and I had to sign a little contract, and they earn XP.
00:07:19.120 --> 00:07:21.279
So if your kids are gamers, you know what it is.
00:07:21.279 --> 00:07:25.680
I don't even understand some of the things that I put in this little contract for them, but they're frothing over it.
00:07:25.680 --> 00:07:30.240
And this week I'm away and my husband's at home with them, and he's like, they're actually doing it.
00:07:30.240 --> 00:07:34.160
Someone is the Kitchen King for the week, and the other one's a laundry legend for the week.
00:07:34.160 --> 00:07:36.800
And they're owning those spaces.
00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:39.759
So it was like, this is what actually works for their brains.
00:07:39.759 --> 00:07:43.360
So let's be in a space where we find things that work for the brains.
00:07:43.360 --> 00:07:48.480
And like connecting and collaborating and all of these things is just so important in life.
00:07:48.480 --> 00:07:54.480
And that's why I really believe that sharing my story is a way to be able to build connection.
00:07:54.480 --> 00:08:05.439
One of the first stories that I read that helped me go, holy shit, it is not just me, is Brene Brown's Braving the Wilderness.
00:08:05.439 --> 00:08:15.199
She talks about her story of growing up, being like the only white girl at an all-black school, these kind of things, and like her naming Brene.
00:08:15.199 --> 00:08:18.000
I fuck, I just love that woman so much.
00:08:18.000 --> 00:08:21.360
It just really normalized girlhood for me.
00:08:21.360 --> 00:08:23.839
And then she talks a lot about her relationship with her husband.
00:08:23.839 --> 00:08:30.639
She speaks so much about shame and how much we like shame on ourselves and like shame and should are like in the same boat for me.
00:08:30.639 --> 00:08:33.200
They're like, would you shit on yourself?
00:08:33.200 --> 00:08:34.159
No.
00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:36.559
So why are you shooting on yourself?
00:08:36.559 --> 00:08:38.799
Like, why are you covering yourself in shame?
00:08:38.799 --> 00:08:41.759
Like, ooh, no, we don't do that here.
00:08:41.759 --> 00:08:43.440
We don't do that here.
00:08:43.440 --> 00:08:45.519
We just go, you know what?
00:08:45.519 --> 00:08:47.840
I'm just in a really shit spot at the moment.
00:08:47.840 --> 00:08:52.320
Like, no, I should be cleaning the house or I should be folding the washing or blah, blah, blah.
00:08:52.320 --> 00:08:56.080
Like, we're just like just honoring where we're at.
00:08:56.080 --> 00:08:58.399
The washing will be there tomorrow.
00:08:58.399 --> 00:08:59.679
Can be done tomorrow.
00:08:59.679 --> 00:09:01.679
That's why they invented washing machines, you know?
00:09:01.679 --> 00:09:03.440
Gotta do a rinse cycle three times.
00:09:03.440 --> 00:09:03.840
Cool.
00:09:03.840 --> 00:09:04.799
Me too.
00:09:04.799 --> 00:09:09.600
I'm not the first one, and you're definitely not the first one, and you're definitely not the only one that does that.
00:09:09.600 --> 00:09:11.279
I couldn't even tell you the amount of times.
00:09:11.279 --> 00:09:15.200
That's why I've got a laundry legend at home and my kids do a lot of this stuff for me.
00:09:15.200 --> 00:09:17.679
So that's what the messy middle is about.
00:09:17.679 --> 00:09:20.320
It's like dishonoring that space.
00:09:20.320 --> 00:09:21.919
We don't need to wear masks here.
00:09:21.919 --> 00:09:23.519
You don't need to clean up the mess.
00:09:23.519 --> 00:09:25.279
Like, I'm coming over to your house.
00:09:25.279 --> 00:09:26.639
Please don't do the dishes.
00:09:26.639 --> 00:09:28.240
Like, please don't perform for me.
00:09:28.240 --> 00:09:29.759
We don't do performances here.
00:09:29.759 --> 00:09:30.879
We just do real.
00:09:30.879 --> 00:09:37.440
I suppose I want to give a little bit more of a snippet of my second hospital admission.
00:09:37.440 --> 00:09:46.320
So, my second hospital admission was when I was hospitalized in December and I was home just before Christmas.
00:09:46.320 --> 00:09:49.840
And that was just, I feel like I was in an alternate universe.
00:09:49.840 --> 00:09:52.000
I was so heavily medicated.
00:09:52.000 --> 00:09:53.919
I wasn't functioning.
00:09:53.919 --> 00:10:02.399
Like I could do the things, but I just didn't have a lot of brain capacity because the medication had really dulled me out, which is what my body needed at the time.
00:10:02.399 --> 00:10:08.879
It's like when you break your leg, you put the cast on, you leave the cast on until the leg is healed.
00:10:08.879 --> 00:10:13.600
At that time, my brain and my body really needed to reset.
00:10:13.600 --> 00:10:19.519
And that's where the use of medication was so amazing because it was able to help my body reset.
00:10:19.519 --> 00:10:23.759
And it gave me the opportunity, and this is something I'll talk about a little bit later.
00:10:23.759 --> 00:10:27.919
We'll talk about like neural pathways and all of these really cool things.
00:10:27.919 --> 00:10:38.799
But it's if you start to tell yourself the same thing over and over and over again, your body will believe it in its DNA, in its genetics and everything.
00:10:38.799 --> 00:10:41.279
Like it truly believes it.
00:10:41.279 --> 00:10:49.440
And so that's why sometimes when you're saying affirmations, like I am worthy, I am beautiful, I am loved, they make you want to vomit.
00:10:49.440 --> 00:10:58.240
One really cool little thing that I remember some naturopath homeopath told me about, or kinesiologist, whatever.
00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:00.799
I like, I've done all the modalities, I feel like.
00:11:00.799 --> 00:11:10.240
She goes, It's something like, I truly love and accept myself as I am, as I was, and as I always will be.
00:11:10.240 --> 00:11:17.360
And that was really powerful for me because I was like, huh, I do love myself.
00:11:17.360 --> 00:11:18.960
And it's really big.
00:11:18.960 --> 00:11:29.519
So yeah, when those affirmations and stuff like that make you feel like gross, or there's no way that that could be true about me, just like baby steps, babe.
00:11:29.519 --> 00:11:44.480
Like you walk around my house and I've got like little sticky notes of like you can and you can choose, and those things, and they might not feel true or doable in the time, but the more I see them, the more I'm like, oh, actually, yeah.
00:11:44.480 --> 00:11:45.840
Yeah.
00:11:45.840 --> 00:11:53.360
I remember I've been journaling on and off for the last I don't know, long time, 10 years, I suppose.
00:11:53.360 --> 00:11:56.000
And very sporadically.
00:11:56.000 --> 00:12:00.159
And I've always kind of said to myself, like, I am proud of you.
00:12:00.159 --> 00:12:04.080
I am super proud of you, or proud of me.
00:12:04.080 --> 00:12:11.919
Like, I'm really proud of me for whatever I managed to achieve that day, or whatever I know that I've been able to grow over that period.
00:12:11.919 --> 00:12:15.759
It's just powerful the things that you say to yourself.
00:12:15.759 --> 00:12:22.480
So rewind, I was discharged just before Christmas, 2019.
00:12:22.480 --> 00:12:38.399
And then New Year's 2020, like so January 2020, I managed to convince my husband that even with all of the medication that I'm on, it would be totally okay for me to fall pregnant.
00:12:38.399 --> 00:12:40.000
Loser.
00:12:40.000 --> 00:12:44.320
Absolutely, that's a no for me.
00:12:44.320 --> 00:12:47.440
But I did, I fell pregnant straight away.
00:12:47.440 --> 00:12:51.440
And I remember flying to Perth to see my psychiatrist for a checkup.
00:12:51.440 --> 00:12:55.120
I think it was like six weeks after I'd been discharged.
00:12:55.120 --> 00:12:58.159
And I was like, surprise, I'm pregnant.
00:12:58.159 --> 00:13:01.600
And honestly, you could have seen her jaw hit the floor.
00:13:01.600 --> 00:13:09.039
And she's like, Karina, no, the medication that you're on could actually cause a spontaneous abortion.
00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:14.879
And I was like, you know, like if that's what happens, it's meant to be, I'll be fine.
00:13:14.879 --> 00:13:16.720
Like, it's God's plan.
00:13:16.720 --> 00:13:29.120
And so then the next week I went and had a scan, and the scenographer was like, Look, the baby's a little bit small for the time like at the time, like maybe you're not so far along as you thought.
00:13:29.120 --> 00:13:30.159
There's no heartbeat there.
00:13:30.159 --> 00:13:33.200
And I was like, okay, cool, go back in a week and have a scan.
00:13:33.200 --> 00:13:40.639
And then at like, remember going to the toilet at like 2:30 that afternoon and started bleeding.
00:13:40.639 --> 00:13:44.000
And I rang the doctor's surgery straight away.
00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:48.159
And my doctor, who used to be an obstetrician, he's like, come down.
00:13:48.159 --> 00:13:53.919
And went down and he said, Look, doll, like it's not looking great, but these things could happen.
00:13:53.919 --> 00:13:55.200
We'll just see what happens.
00:13:55.200 --> 00:14:00.720
And then the next morning, I was like, that was it.
00:14:00.720 --> 00:14:02.559
I lost the pregnancy.
00:14:02.559 --> 00:14:06.960
And so I remember honestly the pain.
00:14:06.960 --> 00:14:08.320
I felt like I was in labor.
00:14:08.320 --> 00:14:09.200
It was just insane.
00:14:09.200 --> 00:14:10.320
It was horrible.
00:14:10.320 --> 00:14:17.440
So I went up to the ED and I got this nurse, and she was just like, What's wrong?
00:14:17.440 --> 00:14:21.840
And I was like, Well, I miss Carrie, and she's just okay.
00:14:21.840 --> 00:14:23.679
And what's your medical history?
00:14:23.679 --> 00:14:27.360
And so I just had to tell her about the mental health stuff and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:14:27.360 --> 00:14:35.679
And she's like, okay, well, we'll have to just put that under mental health, like admit you, kind of like bring you in under mental health instead of maternity.
00:14:35.679 --> 00:14:40.159
And I was like, you're just literally rubbing the salt in the wound.
00:14:40.159 --> 00:14:41.360
Do you need to?
00:14:41.360 --> 00:14:47.440
Like, please just honor where I'm at right now and I'm really fucking struggling and I'm in a fucking shit ton of pain.
00:14:47.440 --> 00:14:48.960
And I'm not okay.
00:14:48.960 --> 00:14:50.799
It doesn't matter if I'm here for mental health.
00:14:50.799 --> 00:14:53.279
It doesn't matter if I'm here just because I want to chit-chat.
00:14:53.279 --> 00:14:54.960
Like, please don't.
00:14:54.960 --> 00:14:59.519
I'll preface this in saying, like, not all medical professionals are like that.
00:14:59.519 --> 00:15:09.279
And I'd like to say there's less medical professionals like that these days than what there was years ago, just because of how openly people talk about mental health these days.
00:15:09.279 --> 00:15:12.320
So we lost that beautiful baby.
00:15:12.320 --> 00:15:17.279
And the same time my husband was like, Oh, by the way, I want to start my own business.
00:15:17.279 --> 00:15:19.600
And I was like, Are you fucking kidding me?
00:15:19.600 --> 00:15:24.960
Like at that time, he was the leading hand for my parents with their earth-moving construction business.
00:15:24.960 --> 00:15:33.120
And literally the day before things were pretty heated and I was not doing great.
00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:42.720
And something was going on with my eldest, and he's had asthma his whole life, and he was coughing heaps, and I was just in bed, like melting down.
00:15:42.720 --> 00:15:47.840
And I yelled at my husband, I'm like, just fucking give him his medication.
00:15:47.840 --> 00:15:55.679
And I just hate it when I get like this sometimes, but this is a bit like of the PTSD stuff.
00:15:55.679 --> 00:15:59.679
And I was just super fucking triggered, I suppose is the word for it.
00:15:59.679 --> 00:16:05.440
And I went out there and I grabbed his medicine bag and I threw it so hard against the wall.
00:16:05.440 --> 00:16:10.240
And of course, then the shame spiral hit me, and I was like, You're a fucking dickhead, you're an idiot.
00:16:10.240 --> 00:16:17.919
So I just walked out of the house and I left, and I didn't have my phone on, I didn't have shoes on.
00:16:17.919 --> 00:16:19.759
And like this is a thing.
00:16:19.759 --> 00:16:24.960
Like I grew up with like you never left the house without having shoes on.
00:16:24.960 --> 00:16:26.559
We don't do that.
00:16:26.559 --> 00:16:29.360
We are not seen in public without shoes on.
00:16:29.360 --> 00:16:37.759
And I walked up to the bridge and I kind of just looked and I went, I'm done.
00:16:37.759 --> 00:16:41.759
And I actually just a little bit was like, God, is this it for me?
00:16:41.759 --> 00:16:50.960
And I kept walking and I walked past friends' houses that I know that I could have walked into and asked for help.
00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:54.799
And I had no idea what was going on.
00:16:54.799 --> 00:17:02.480
And I know now that they call it disassociated, where you're actually not in your body.
00:17:02.480 --> 00:17:10.720
And I realized now, obviously, having gone through my mental health of how often I would disassociate.
00:17:10.720 --> 00:17:12.079
And it was a lot.
00:17:12.079 --> 00:17:20.240
I was flying to Perth the next day to see my psychiatrist and got meet with my brother to meet the bookkeeper and all of the other things.
00:17:20.240 --> 00:17:26.880
And I just said to myself, like, I went and sat on the beach, and I just was like, okay, I'll sleep here the night.
00:17:26.880 --> 00:17:28.799
I just I can't go home.
00:17:28.799 --> 00:17:30.079
I'm done.
00:17:30.079 --> 00:17:32.240
I don't know what to do.
00:17:32.240 --> 00:17:41.359
And then I just kind of got up and kept walking, and I was like, I really hope no one sees me because I'm actually really fucking crazy right now and I'm like losing my shit.
00:17:41.359 --> 00:17:48.559
And I walked to my in-laws' house and I could hear my kids laughing.
00:17:48.559 --> 00:17:53.759
So I knew my kids were safe, but I also then probably knew that my husband was out looking for me.
00:17:53.759 --> 00:18:08.799
And I feel so shit about this, but just the whole thing, like I'm just so grateful for him for someone to love me so deeply when I couldn't love myself.
00:18:08.799 --> 00:18:10.000
Like, fuck.
00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:12.240
That's a thing, right?
00:18:12.240 --> 00:18:21.680
And I I press my mother-in-law's, like, she's got like this fancy gate thing, and I press the like doorbell, and I just was like, It's me.
00:18:21.680 --> 00:18:23.039
Can you please take me home?
00:18:23.039 --> 00:18:31.119
And she's just come out and we've just given me a hug, we've jumped in the car and she's taken me home to my husband, and my kids had no idea that I was there.
00:18:31.119 --> 00:18:34.559
And yeah, it just was a lot, like it was a lot.
00:18:34.559 --> 00:18:43.200
And the next day I jumped on the plane, I flew to Perth, I met with my brother, and you know, like we went to the casino and we did all the things and everything was fine.
00:18:43.200 --> 00:18:56.319
And then the next day when I saw my psychiatrist, I actually had an appointment with a psychologist, and she's like, Oh, um, Karina, I don't really think that you're you're safe right now, and I don't really know if you should be going home.
00:18:56.319 --> 00:19:00.799
And I was like, Oh, no, I'm good, like, I'm fine, like, let's keep going.
00:19:00.799 --> 00:19:10.000
And by the time I'd walked from my psychologist's office to my psychiatrist's office, the psychologist, like, and there's literally like 20 meters between the two of them.
00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:13.519
The psychologist had rung the psychiatrist and kind of given her a bit of a heads up.
00:19:13.519 --> 00:19:22.640
And I sat down, I spoke to the psychiatrist, and she's just like, if you're happy to, I really think the best thing for you to do is to be readmitted.
00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:27.680
I was just like, um, okay if you say so.
00:19:27.680 --> 00:19:30.799
And just so fucking grateful my sister.
00:19:30.799 --> 00:19:34.400
She worked around the corner and I I rang her and I was like, you need to come get me.
00:19:34.400 --> 00:19:36.480
Please come and get me.
00:19:37.119 --> 00:19:49.039
Being someone who has always looked after everyone else, I really, really needed someone to hold me.
00:19:50.079 --> 00:20:13.920
And I think that's what I found so helpful in getting the support that I needed and being in hospital because I was able to have that space where someone else could look after me and just give me that break from reality for a little bit.
00:20:15.200 --> 00:20:18.160
And that's why I openly talk about this.
00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:39.839
Because being in a mental health hospital isn't straight jackets, it's not being in pattered rooms, it's group therapy, it's conversations, it's about being held, it's about having access to doctors and specialists and nurses that are trained in holding space for people that are not well.
00:20:39.839 --> 00:20:45.920
It's just so important that we have these conversations, that we normalize them.
00:20:45.920 --> 00:20:57.680
And I really hope that the people that have supported me and loved me through all of my mess truly know how grateful I am.
00:20:57.680 --> 00:21:14.880
And I always say those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter, because the people that I were worried that I was really worried about making judgment of me and all of the rest of it, I actually have learnt not to give a fuck about them.
00:21:14.880 --> 00:21:20.400
Because the people who truly know me, truly love me, and want me to be here.
00:21:20.400 --> 00:21:25.680
So that's a bit more about my story.
00:21:25.680 --> 00:21:32.640
And holy shit, when I say I'm grateful to be alive and I'm grateful to be here, I truly, truly mean it.
00:21:32.640 --> 00:21:34.400
I'm really excited.
00:21:34.400 --> 00:21:35.920
I'm excited for this podcast.
00:21:35.920 --> 00:21:39.759
I'm excited to see where she's honestly mental lands.
00:21:39.759 --> 00:21:50.880
I would really love to be able to build a not-for-profit, one that can help pay for women who can't afford to get the support that they need.
00:21:50.880 --> 00:22:08.079
And I really hope that by the time I actually leave this planet, leave this universe, leave this world, that prioritizing your mental health is just as normal as prioritizing your physical health.
00:22:08.079 --> 00:22:17.759
I hope that as my children grow up, it's completely normal to discuss things and to be like, hey, I'm actually really struggling and to be met with empathy instead of judgment.
00:22:17.759 --> 00:22:19.359
How amazing.
00:22:19.359 --> 00:22:24.559
Thanks for joining me for another episode of She's Honestly Mental.
00:22:24.559 --> 00:22:39.039
Make sure you jump into my Instagram and check out the links in my bio because if you haven't actually already stalked me on socials, you're missing out because my content's so funny.
00:22:39.039 --> 00:22:41.680
But I've got the messy middle, which is the group.
00:22:41.680 --> 00:22:42.160
It's free.
00:22:42.160 --> 00:22:43.920
Did I mention that it's actually for free?
00:22:43.920 --> 00:22:46.559
Because I'm not here to make money off of this.
00:22:46.559 --> 00:22:56.960
Anything that I make off of She's Honestly Mental or anything is actually going to be put aside for funding my not-for-profit eventually.
00:22:56.960 --> 00:23:04.480
So that's like I say, my big, scary, audacious goal, the one that makes me want to spew, but the one that I feel like I've been put on this planet to do.
00:23:04.480 --> 00:23:10.400
And I really, really hate selling to people.
00:23:10.400 --> 00:23:11.359
It's gross.
00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:13.680
Did you I also do the chaos letters?
00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:21.039
Anyway, so the chaos letters is like a one-time kind of once a week, maybe twice a week, once every second week whenever I feel like it.
00:23:21.039 --> 00:23:26.880
I just have this chaos that's in my brain that I kind of like voice note and then drop it into an email and send it out.
00:23:26.880 --> 00:23:32.000
So come hang out at the messy middle, subscribe to the chaos letters, and keep listening.
00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:33.519
Thanks for joining.
00:23:33.519 --> 00:23:37.200
Thanks for hanging out with me on She's Honestly Mentor.
00:23:37.200 --> 00:23:46.960
If today's episode cracked open something inside of you or gave you space to exhale, come say hi over at Instagram at She's Honestly Mentor.
00:23:46.960 --> 00:23:50.720
Or send this to someone who needs to hear that they're not alone.
00:23:50.720 --> 00:23:57.279
And if you haven't yet, hit that follow button so the next episode lands in your messy feed right where it belongs.
00:23:57.279 --> 00:23:59.759
Until next time, take care of your brain.
00:23:59.759 --> 00:24:00.960
You're not broken.
00:24:00.960 --> 00:24:02.480
You're just honestly mental.
00:24:02.480 --> 00:24:04.160
And all the best people are.
