WEBVTT
00:00:00.880 --> 00:00:11.039
What do you do when the things that used to drive you, the things that matter so deeply that you are pressed to take action on them don't drive you forward anymore?
00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:13.759
At first, it may feel like a malfunction.
00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:22.079
Over time, it may feel like you're losing a sense of who you are, and unaddressed, it can seem like maybe you never knew who you were to begin with anyway.
00:00:22.320 --> 00:00:23.440
Hi, this is Jordana.
00:00:23.600 --> 00:00:32.159
I'm the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the In Brief podcast, and today we're talking about values and how they can change after big life experiences.
00:00:32.479 --> 00:00:37.600
But while it may feel that you're losing yourself, evolving priorities aren't a sign of inconsistency.
00:00:37.759 --> 00:00:40.240
They're just a sign that you've been paying attention.
00:00:42.159 --> 00:00:43.280
This is in brief.
00:00:43.520 --> 00:00:44.799
Let's get to it.
00:00:54.320 --> 00:00:58.240
Over your lifetime, you built a life around a set of values.
00:00:58.399 --> 00:01:05.599
They could have been ideals that you were handed in youth, or ones you adapted to in service, or even some that you just learned along the way.
00:01:05.760 --> 00:01:13.599
And those values could be anything: achievement, mission, justice, advancement, being the one who could always be counted on.
00:01:13.840 --> 00:01:17.680
But whatever they were, those values organized everything.
00:01:17.920 --> 00:01:23.200
What you said yes to, what you sacrificed, and even how you measured a good year.
00:01:23.439 --> 00:01:25.200
But then something shifted.
00:01:25.359 --> 00:01:27.920
It could have been gradually or maybe all at once.
00:01:28.079 --> 00:01:30.480
And now things just don't feel the same.
00:01:30.719 --> 00:01:38.719
The promotion that would have thrilled you five years ago leaves you a little flat, or the pace you used to thrive on now just feels like noise.
00:01:38.959 --> 00:01:43.200
And soon you catch yourself caring about things you never used to think about.
00:01:43.519 --> 00:01:51.680
Time, peace, presence, or health, and caring way less about things that used to actually define who you were.
00:01:52.159 --> 00:01:57.280
If you're like a lot of people going through this shift, you might treat it as a problem rather than just information.
00:01:57.519 --> 00:02:02.239
You try and reignite the old drive, and then when nothing sparks, you wonder what's wrong with you.
00:02:02.480 --> 00:02:06.480
And before you know it, you feel like a stranger inside your own priorities.
00:02:06.719 --> 00:02:10.960
So let me first say this clearly: there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
00:02:11.120 --> 00:02:14.639
Your values have simply changed because your life has changed.
00:02:14.800 --> 00:02:16.319
And here's why it happens.
00:02:16.560 --> 00:02:19.919
See, values aren't installed once at a human factory.
00:02:20.080 --> 00:02:21.759
They're actually conclusions.
00:02:21.919 --> 00:02:25.199
They're conclusions your mind draws from what you've lived.
00:02:25.439 --> 00:02:30.080
When you were 22, your conclusions were based on 22 years of information.
00:02:30.319 --> 00:02:34.400
And not all information, only the information that you had access to.
00:02:34.639 --> 00:02:38.639
What you lived, what you experienced, what you saw and heard, and were taught.
00:02:38.879 --> 00:02:47.919
Now, since then, every deployment, every loss, every birth, every failure, and even every quiet Tuesday has added data.
00:02:48.240 --> 00:02:55.120
So some of the conclusions you ended up with, the values you held as personal truths, couldn't stay the same.
00:02:55.280 --> 00:02:59.599
There was more information, more lived experiences to go off of.
00:02:59.919 --> 00:03:02.240
So the conclusions updated.
00:03:02.479 --> 00:03:05.520
And really it would be strange if they didn't, right?
00:03:05.919 --> 00:03:14.639
But those big experiences like major transitions or life shifts, what I like to call hijacks, reorder things especially fast.
00:03:15.199 --> 00:03:22.479
Just think about it this way: anyone who has watched a friend or family member die young holds time differently afterwards.
00:03:22.719 --> 00:03:27.759
Anyone who's missed years of their kids' lives for work weighs presence differently.
00:03:28.000 --> 00:03:39.680
Anyone who achieved the thing they wanted the most in all of the world and then realized that they felt nothing learned something about achievement that no one could have told them in advance.
00:03:39.840 --> 00:03:44.319
Those aren't mood swings or emotional reactions, they're lessons.
00:03:44.479 --> 00:03:48.159
And those lessons are what transform into future values.
00:03:48.400 --> 00:03:53.919
So even though it's completely natural, there are two things that make this value shift really hard.
00:03:54.159 --> 00:03:55.759
The first is internal.
00:03:56.240 --> 00:03:59.039
Are you who you thought you were anymore?
00:04:01.199 --> 00:04:04.080
In this state, consistency feels like integrity.
00:04:04.240 --> 00:04:06.960
You made commitments based on old values.
00:04:07.199 --> 00:04:12.319
You told people who you were, and if you couldn't, the values that you held in front of them did.
00:04:12.800 --> 00:04:17.680
So in this case, changing feels like breaking your word to your former self.
00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:22.879
But here's the thing: integrity isn't defined as loyalty to a previous version of you.
00:04:23.040 --> 00:04:25.040
It's honesty about the current one.
00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:32.959
The real integrity problem is continuing to live by values that you no longer hold and performing as a self that isn't there anymore.
00:04:33.360 --> 00:04:37.839
But the second thing that makes this hard is external, how other people see you.
00:04:38.079 --> 00:04:41.600
They knew the old you and they calibrated to that person.
00:04:41.920 --> 00:04:45.759
So when your priorities shift, some of them might say, You've changed.
00:04:45.920 --> 00:04:47.680
And it might sound like an accusation.
00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:52.959
Hell, it might even be an accusation, but you need to address it as an observation.
00:04:53.199 --> 00:04:54.959
Yes, you've changed.
00:04:55.199 --> 00:04:56.560
You are supposed to.
00:04:57.199 --> 00:05:02.639
The alternative to changing is stagnation, and life is nothing but constant change.
00:05:02.959 --> 00:05:11.519
Still, the knowing of this feeling and experience around a value shift is hard, even when you know it's natural and actually a good sign of growth.
00:05:11.680 --> 00:05:14.879
But that's only because nobody rechecks their values on purpose.
00:05:15.120 --> 00:05:21.279
We set our lives up around the values that we hold at that time: the job, the schedule, the commitments.
00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:25.759
But then when the values quietly move, the life stops fitting.
00:05:25.839 --> 00:05:29.600
And we can't figure out why everything feels off initially.
00:05:29.839 --> 00:05:33.680
The mismatch isn't dramatic, but it is noticeable.
00:05:33.920 --> 00:05:39.120
After all, you're running a today life on last decade's operating system.
00:05:40.000 --> 00:05:44.480
So how do we finish this shift and embrace who we've become while acknowledging who we are?
00:05:44.720 --> 00:05:46.639
Well, we make it deliberate.
00:05:46.800 --> 00:05:48.399
Here's a quick exercise.
00:05:48.639 --> 00:05:57.120
Without looking at any list and without considering what you're supposed to say, write down a few things that actually matter to you right now.
00:05:57.439 --> 00:06:01.439
See where your mind goes when it's quiet or the things that you crave when it's not.
00:06:01.600 --> 00:06:03.199
Take a look at what you envy.
00:06:03.439 --> 00:06:07.439
Envy is embarrassingly honest data about what you want.
00:06:07.680 --> 00:06:11.120
Look at what you've stopped being willing to trade away or negotiate on.
00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:14.000
As you think through these things, write them down.
00:06:14.079 --> 00:06:18.079
And then when you're done, compare that list to your calendar and your commitments.
00:06:18.399 --> 00:06:25.839
You may notice that you see gaps in what you say you value and how you actually show up.
00:06:26.160 --> 00:06:29.920
The gaps that you find aren't character flaws, they're just deferred maintenance.
00:06:30.079 --> 00:06:33.519
Your life was built by someone with a different list of values.
00:06:33.680 --> 00:06:36.959
And now that you know what needs renovating, you can adjust.
00:06:37.199 --> 00:06:41.360
Not all at once, but at least a little bit and on purpose.
00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:47.279
But keep in mind that renovations don't last forever, and you can and you should expect this to happen again.
00:06:47.439 --> 00:06:52.480
The values you write down today are still provisional, and 10 more years of living will update them too.
00:06:52.720 --> 00:06:57.360
But the ultimate goal isn't to find your final lasting values anyway.
00:06:57.519 --> 00:07:13.439
It's to stay in honest contact with your current ones and understand that the message they are sending you, this is what matters most, is a guidepost that can offer you direction in hard times and a decision matrix when things are confusing.
00:07:13.759 --> 00:07:19.199
The people who seem most lost in midlife aren't usually people who lack values.
00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:22.319
Oftentimes they're just people who are still living in their old ones.
00:07:22.480 --> 00:07:30.800
And the people who seem most alive are the ones who gave themselves permission to want what they want now, not what they wanted when they started.
00:07:31.040 --> 00:07:35.680
Now, a value shift, especially when in transition, doesn't mean you've lost yourself.
00:07:35.839 --> 00:07:39.839
It only means you've updated and you need to adjust your acceptance of the shift.
00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:43.920
After all, the only mistake is living by a list that you no longer believe in.
00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:46.399
So live by one that's true now.
00:07:51.199 --> 00:07:55.600
Most transition programs assume you already know what you want.
00:07:55.759 --> 00:07:57.680
But if you don't, then what?
00:07:58.160 --> 00:08:03.439
At the Recon Network, we run free events year-round to meet you where you are.
00:08:03.680 --> 00:08:15.759
From our annual VET Summit to online workshops and even in-person local events, we provide real training, real conversations, and practical insights you can use the same day.
00:08:15.920 --> 00:08:20.720
With a goal to get you the tools you need to find direction and meaning now.
00:08:21.439 --> 00:08:25.439
So if you don't know what you want or where you want to go, no worries.
00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:27.759
There's no cost, no pressure.
00:08:27.920 --> 00:08:30.079
Just support when you need it.
00:08:30.319 --> 00:08:36.080
So find your next event at recon.bet and join us for something new.
00:00:00.880 --> 00:00:11.039
What do you do when the things that used to drive you, the things that matter so deeply that you are pressed to take action on them don't drive you forward anymore?
00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:13.759
At first, it may feel like a malfunction.
00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:22.079
Over time, it may feel like you're losing a sense of who you are, and unaddressed, it can seem like maybe you never knew who you were to begin with anyway.
00:00:22.320 --> 00:00:23.440
Hi, this is Jordana.
00:00:23.600 --> 00:00:32.159
I'm the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the In Brief podcast, and today we're talking about values and how they can change after big life experiences.
00:00:32.479 --> 00:00:37.600
But while it may feel that you're losing yourself, evolving priorities aren't a sign of inconsistency.
00:00:37.759 --> 00:00:40.240
They're just a sign that you've been paying attention.
00:00:42.159 --> 00:00:43.280
This is in brief.
00:00:43.520 --> 00:00:44.799
Let's get to it.
00:00:54.320 --> 00:00:58.240
Over your lifetime, you built a life around a set of values.
00:00:58.399 --> 00:01:05.599
They could have been ideals that you were handed in youth, or ones you adapted to in service, or even some that you just learned along the way.
00:01:05.760 --> 00:01:13.599
And those values could be anything: achievement, mission, justice, advancement, being the one who could always be counted on.
00:01:13.840 --> 00:01:17.680
But whatever they were, those values organized everything.
00:01:17.920 --> 00:01:23.200
What you said yes to, what you sacrificed, and even how you measured a good year.
00:01:23.439 --> 00:01:25.200
But then something shifted.
00:01:25.359 --> 00:01:27.920
It could have been gradually or maybe all at once.
00:01:28.079 --> 00:01:30.480
And now things just don't feel the same.
00:01:30.719 --> 00:01:38.719
The promotion that would have thrilled you five years ago leaves you a little flat, or the pace you used to thrive on now just feels like noise.
00:01:38.959 --> 00:01:43.200
And soon you catch yourself caring about things you never used to think about.
00:01:43.519 --> 00:01:51.680
Time, peace, presence, or health, and caring way less about things that used to actually define who you were.
00:01:52.159 --> 00:01:57.280
If you're like a lot of people going through this shift, you might treat it as a problem rather than just information.
00:01:57.519 --> 00:02:02.239
You try and reignite the old drive, and then when nothing sparks, you wonder what's wrong with you.
00:02:02.480 --> 00:02:06.480
And before you know it, you feel like a stranger inside your own priorities.
00:02:06.719 --> 00:02:10.960
So let me first say this clearly: there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
00:02:11.120 --> 00:02:14.639
Your values have simply changed because your life has changed.
00:02:14.800 --> 00:02:16.319
And here's why it happens.
00:02:16.560 --> 00:02:19.919
See, values aren't installed once at a human factory.
00:02:20.080 --> 00:02:21.759
They're actually conclusions.
00:02:21.919 --> 00:02:25.199
They're conclusions your mind draws from what you've lived.
00:02:25.439 --> 00:02:30.080
When you were 22, your conclusions were based on 22 years of information.
00:02:30.319 --> 00:02:34.400
And not all information, only the information that you had access to.
00:02:34.639 --> 00:02:38.639
What you lived, what you experienced, what you saw and heard, and were taught.
00:02:38.879 --> 00:02:47.919
Now, since then, every deployment, every loss, every birth, every failure, and even every quiet Tuesday has added data.
00:02:48.240 --> 00:02:55.120
So some of the conclusions you ended up with, the values you held as personal truths, couldn't stay the same.
00:02:55.280 --> 00:02:59.599
There was more information, more lived experiences to go off of.
00:02:59.919 --> 00:03:02.240
So the conclusions updated.
00:03:02.479 --> 00:03:05.520
And really it would be strange if they didn't, right?
00:03:05.919 --> 00:03:14.639
But those big experiences like major transitions or life shifts, what I like to call hijacks, reorder things especially fast.
00:03:15.199 --> 00:03:22.479
Just think about it this way: anyone who has watched a friend or family member die young holds time differently afterwards.
00:03:22.719 --> 00:03:27.759
Anyone who's missed years of their kids' lives for work weighs presence differently.
00:03:28.000 --> 00:03:39.680
Anyone who achieved the thing they wanted the most in all of the world and then realized that they felt nothing learned something about achievement that no one could have told them in advance.
00:03:39.840 --> 00:03:44.319
Those aren't mood swings or emotional reactions, they're lessons.
00:03:44.479 --> 00:03:48.159
And those lessons are what transform into future values.
00:03:48.400 --> 00:03:53.919
So even though it's completely natural, there are two things that make this value shift really hard.
00:03:54.159 --> 00:03:55.759
The first is internal.
00:03:56.240 --> 00:03:59.039
Are you who you thought you were anymore?
00:04:01.199 --> 00:04:04.080
In this state, consistency feels like integrity.
00:04:04.240 --> 00:04:06.960
You made commitments based on old values.
00:04:07.199 --> 00:04:12.319
You told people who you were, and if you couldn't, the values that you held in front of them did.
00:04:12.800 --> 00:04:17.680
So in this case, changing feels like breaking your word to your former self.
00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:22.879
But here's the thing: integrity isn't defined as loyalty to a previous version of you.
00:04:23.040 --> 00:04:25.040
It's honesty about the current one.
00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:32.959
The real integrity problem is continuing to live by values that you no longer hold and performing as a self that isn't there anymore.
00:04:33.360 --> 00:04:37.839
But the second thing that makes this hard is external, how other people see you.
00:04:38.079 --> 00:04:41.600
They knew the old you and they calibrated to that person.
00:04:41.920 --> 00:04:45.759
So when your priorities shift, some of them might say, You've changed.
00:04:45.920 --> 00:04:47.680
And it might sound like an accusation.
00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:52.959
Hell, it might even be an accusation, but you need to address it as an observation.
00:04:53.199 --> 00:04:54.959
Yes, you've changed.
00:04:55.199 --> 00:04:56.560
You are supposed to.
00:04:57.199 --> 00:05:02.639
The alternative to changing is stagnation, and life is nothing but constant change.
00:05:02.959 --> 00:05:11.519
Still, the knowing of this feeling and experience around a value shift is hard, even when you know it's natural and actually a good sign of growth.
00:05:11.680 --> 00:05:14.879
But that's only because nobody rechecks their values on purpose.
00:05:15.120 --> 00:05:21.279
We set our lives up around the values that we hold at that time: the job, the schedule, the commitments.
00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:25.759
But then when the values quietly move, the life stops fitting.
00:05:25.839 --> 00:05:29.600
And we can't figure out why everything feels off initially.
00:05:29.839 --> 00:05:33.680
The mismatch isn't dramatic, but it is noticeable.
00:05:33.920 --> 00:05:39.120
After all, you're running a today life on last decade's operating system.
00:05:40.000 --> 00:05:44.480
So how do we finish this shift and embrace who we've become while acknowledging who we are?
00:05:44.720 --> 00:05:46.639
Well, we make it deliberate.
00:05:46.800 --> 00:05:48.399
Here's a quick exercise.
00:05:48.639 --> 00:05:57.120
Without looking at any list and without considering what you're supposed to say, write down a few things that actually matter to you right now.
00:05:57.439 --> 00:06:01.439
See where your mind goes when it's quiet or the things that you crave when it's not.
00:06:01.600 --> 00:06:03.199
Take a look at what you envy.
00:06:03.439 --> 00:06:07.439
Envy is embarrassingly honest data about what you want.
00:06:07.680 --> 00:06:11.120
Look at what you've stopped being willing to trade away or negotiate on.
00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:14.000
As you think through these things, write them down.
00:06:14.079 --> 00:06:18.079
And then when you're done, compare that list to your calendar and your commitments.
00:06:18.399 --> 00:06:25.839
You may notice that you see gaps in what you say you value and how you actually show up.
00:06:26.160 --> 00:06:29.920
The gaps that you find aren't character flaws, they're just deferred maintenance.
00:06:30.079 --> 00:06:33.519
Your life was built by someone with a different list of values.
00:06:33.680 --> 00:06:36.959
And now that you know what needs renovating, you can adjust.
00:06:37.199 --> 00:06:41.360
Not all at once, but at least a little bit and on purpose.
00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:47.279
But keep in mind that renovations don't last forever, and you can and you should expect this to happen again.
00:06:47.439 --> 00:06:52.480
The values you write down today are still provisional, and 10 more years of living will update them too.
00:06:52.720 --> 00:06:57.360
But the ultimate goal isn't to find your final lasting values anyway.
00:06:57.519 --> 00:07:13.439
It's to stay in honest contact with your current ones and understand that the message they are sending you, this is what matters most, is a guidepost that can offer you direction in hard times and a decision matrix when things are confusing.
00:07:13.759 --> 00:07:19.199
The people who seem most lost in midlife aren't usually people who lack values.
00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:22.319
Oftentimes they're just people who are still living in their old ones.
00:07:22.480 --> 00:07:30.800
And the people who seem most alive are the ones who gave themselves permission to want what they want now, not what they wanted when they started.
00:07:31.040 --> 00:07:35.680
Now, a value shift, especially when in transition, doesn't mean you've lost yourself.
00:07:35.839 --> 00:07:39.839
It only means you've updated and you need to adjust your acceptance of the shift.
00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:43.920
After all, the only mistake is living by a list that you no longer believe in.
00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:46.399
So live by one that's true now.
00:07:51.199 --> 00:07:55.600
Most transition programs assume you already know what you want.
00:07:55.759 --> 00:07:57.680
But if you don't, then what?
00:07:58.160 --> 00:08:03.439
At the Recon Network, we run free events year-round to meet you where you are.
00:08:03.680 --> 00:08:15.759
From our annual VET Summit to online workshops and even in-person local events, we provide real training, real conversations, and practical insights you can use the same day.
00:08:15.920 --> 00:08:20.720
With a goal to get you the tools you need to find direction and meaning now.
00:08:21.439 --> 00:08:25.439
So if you don't know what you want or where you want to go, no worries.
00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:27.759
There's no cost, no pressure.
00:08:27.920 --> 00:08:30.079
Just support when you need it.
00:08:30.319 --> 00:08:36.080
So find your next event at recon.bet and join us for something new.
