WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.120
It's inevitable.
00:00:01.360 --> 00:00:09.039
At some point in your transition, you'll run into someone you know and they'll ask you the simplest but also hardest question.
00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:11.039
So, what are you doing now?
00:00:11.279 --> 00:00:19.039
Depending on where you're at in your life shift, you may experience a wide range of super fast, almost subconscious responses.
00:00:19.280 --> 00:00:22.079
Comfort, apathy, even panic.
00:00:22.320 --> 00:00:27.120
It's not that the question itself is complicated, and it's not that the answer is either.
00:00:27.280 --> 00:00:32.479
But for many, the question itself stirs up an almost reflexive reaction.
00:00:32.799 --> 00:00:41.039
And that is your body's response to the mental weight of the gap between what you're doing and what you think you should be doing by now.
00:00:41.280 --> 00:00:46.240
Hi, this is Jordiana, the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the In Brief podcast.
00:00:46.320 --> 00:00:52.240
And today we're talking about expectations, the ones you set for yourself and the ones other people hand you.
00:00:52.399 --> 00:01:02.719
We're going to talk about why they can get heavier after a major life change, how to tell which ones deserve to be kept, and how to put down the ones that were never yours to carry at all.
00:01:04.799 --> 00:01:05.920
This is in brief.
00:01:06.159 --> 00:01:07.439
Let's get to it.
00:01:24.719 --> 00:01:30.319
The timeline says, okay, by now you should have the career figured out.
00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:33.920
And by this point in time, you should be making a certain amount.
00:01:34.159 --> 00:01:39.599
And over here, you should feel settled, established, and clear on where you're going.
00:01:39.920 --> 00:01:47.280
And here's the thing: if you're on that timeline and everything is falling into place according to plan, you probably don't even register it.
00:01:47.519 --> 00:01:54.719
But if you aren't, well, that's when the script comes in to run an internal dialogue that tells the story of how you're doing.
00:01:54.959 --> 00:01:57.040
Sometimes that script is positive.
00:01:57.280 --> 00:01:57.920
You got this.
00:01:58.000 --> 00:02:00.239
Things are just hard right now, but they'll get better.
00:02:00.560 --> 00:02:04.799
Sometimes, though, that script is head trash personified.
00:02:04.959 --> 00:02:08.319
You know, things would be better if you weren't so bad at it.
00:02:08.639 --> 00:02:11.919
Or I can't believe you failed again.
00:02:12.639 --> 00:02:16.800
But here's the most important thing worth noticing about that script.
00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:19.120
You didn't write most of it.
00:02:19.280 --> 00:02:20.719
You inherited it.
00:02:21.120 --> 00:02:26.639
Some of it came from the military, a culture where progression is visible and timelines are universal.
00:02:27.120 --> 00:02:32.319
Rank told everyone exactly where you stood and you learned to measure yourself against the schedule.
00:02:32.479 --> 00:02:38.240
They gave you checklists and tap and told you how long everything would take for you to resettle after leaving service.
00:02:38.400 --> 00:02:43.360
They told you everyone wanted to hire veterans and you'd have no problem finding your next steps.
00:02:43.599 --> 00:02:45.919
Some of the expectations came from family.
00:02:46.080 --> 00:02:49.599
They taught you early how to handle conflict and stress.
00:02:49.759 --> 00:02:54.400
Your inner voice grew from what you heard growing up and absorbed as truth.
00:02:54.560 --> 00:03:02.960
They told you who you were, even if that definition was an external perception related to how they saw you within the larger whole.
00:03:03.199 --> 00:03:13.759
And of course, some of the script came from people you served with, and some came from a younger version of you who made very confident predictions about a life that they hadn't lived.
00:03:14.240 --> 00:03:22.240
The problem is that wherever it came from, you are carrying all of it, whether it makes sense or not.
00:03:22.960 --> 00:03:32.159
Every expectation from every source is stacked on top of each other, creating a mountain of how things should be and how you should be within the world.
00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:36.479
And when your real life doesn't match the stack, you don't question the stack.
00:03:36.639 --> 00:03:38.240
You question yourself.
00:03:39.039 --> 00:03:42.879
But here's the thing: expectations are not obligations.
00:03:43.199 --> 00:03:44.560
They're assumptions.
00:03:44.800 --> 00:03:56.800
They were assumptions about what your life should look like, made at a specific point in time by a specific person who often didn't even know you and certainly didn't have your current reality in view.
00:03:57.039 --> 00:04:01.360
Those assumptions deserve to be examined, not obeyed.
00:04:01.680 --> 00:04:03.199
So let's examine them.
00:04:03.439 --> 00:04:08.560
Take any expectation that's weighing on you and run it through three questions.
00:04:08.800 --> 00:04:11.199
The first is whose is it?
00:04:11.599 --> 00:04:14.400
Is this expectation actually yours?
00:04:14.639 --> 00:04:20.319
Something that you chose because it reflects what you want, or did you absorb it from someone else?
00:04:20.560 --> 00:04:22.240
This is an important distinction.
00:04:22.480 --> 00:04:29.199
A lot of what feels like ambition is really just other people's opinions that moved in and never left.
00:04:29.519 --> 00:04:32.160
The second question, is it current?
00:04:32.480 --> 00:04:37.600
Even if it was yours once, was it set by a version of you that no longer exists?
00:04:37.839 --> 00:04:42.000
The 25-year-old who planned your life didn't know what you know now.
00:04:42.160 --> 00:04:44.560
They hadn't lived through what you've lived through.
00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:50.000
Those expectations were built on the information available at the time, and times have changed.
00:04:50.160 --> 00:04:54.639
You have better information and likely a lot more self-awareness than you did back then.
00:04:54.959 --> 00:04:58.480
An adaptation to that reality is not failure.
00:04:58.720 --> 00:05:02.079
The third question: Does it serve where you're going?
00:05:02.399 --> 00:05:09.600
Some expectations pull you forward, they stretch you in directions you actually want to grow, but some just sit on your chest.
00:05:09.759 --> 00:05:11.920
They don't motivate you, they judge you.
00:05:12.079 --> 00:05:16.800
And in those cases, they aren't really standards, they're just added weight.
00:05:17.120 --> 00:05:18.639
That distinction matters.
00:05:18.879 --> 00:05:23.680
Releasing an expectation is not equivalent to lowering your standards.
00:05:23.920 --> 00:05:28.639
Standards are about how you show up, your integrity, your effort, your follow-through.
00:05:28.879 --> 00:05:32.160
Expectations are about outcomes on timelines.
00:05:32.319 --> 00:05:41.199
You can hold high standards and still release the expectation that your life follows someone else's schedule or someone else's trajectory.
00:05:41.519 --> 00:05:45.839
The harder part, of course, is dealing with other people's expectations.
00:05:46.079 --> 00:05:54.800
Family who expected a certain outcome or a career path, the peers who exited alongside you, but who measure you by where they think you should be.
00:05:54.959 --> 00:06:04.319
A community with really strong opinions about what success after service looks like, but little understanding about how that success is truly attained.
00:06:04.560 --> 00:06:13.120
Sure, you can't stop people from having expectations of you, but you can stop signing for the package because that's almost exactly what happens.
00:06:13.360 --> 00:06:20.240
Someone hands you an expectation and you take ownership of a standard that you never fully agreed to.
00:06:20.560 --> 00:06:30.560
Then later, if it isn't a fit for you, you begin defending yourself against it, explaining, justifying, overperforming, signaling that you accepted it as truth.
00:06:30.800 --> 00:06:37.199
And while it can feel aggressive to push back against those expectations, the alternative isn't necessarily confrontation.
00:06:37.360 --> 00:06:39.040
It's just declining to carry it.
00:06:39.279 --> 00:06:41.279
Thanks, but that's not the stage I'm at.
00:06:41.439 --> 00:06:42.319
Full stop.
00:06:42.639 --> 00:06:47.519
No explanation, no defense required, not even for grandma.
00:06:47.920 --> 00:06:51.680
As for the expectations you decide to keep, make them explicit.
00:06:51.839 --> 00:06:52.800
Write them down.
00:06:53.040 --> 00:07:02.000
Because expectations that live only in the back of your mind operate like judges, and expectations you've consciously chosen operate like guides.
00:07:02.160 --> 00:07:05.759
It's the same feedback, but a completely different weight.
00:07:06.720 --> 00:07:08.720
So here's what I want you to do this week.
00:07:08.959 --> 00:07:11.759
Name one expectation that's been sitting on you.
00:07:11.920 --> 00:07:12.560
Just one.
00:07:12.800 --> 00:07:14.319
Run it through the three questions.
00:07:14.480 --> 00:07:15.199
Whose is it?
00:07:15.360 --> 00:07:16.079
Is it current?
00:07:16.160 --> 00:07:17.680
And does it serve where I'm going?
00:07:17.920 --> 00:07:20.000
If it fails, put it down.
00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:23.519
Not dramatically, not with a big announcement.
00:07:23.759 --> 00:07:33.600
Just stop carrying it and take a minute and feel the weight release and acknowledge that you won't pick it up again, even accidentally.
00:07:34.079 --> 00:07:36.639
You'll likely notice something else once you do.
00:07:36.879 --> 00:07:43.680
The energy that expectation was consuming will come back to you and can fuel your journey to the right place.
00:07:43.920 --> 00:07:48.639
Because carrying weight takes effort, even when you're standing still.
00:07:48.879 --> 00:07:52.399
You don't have to meet every expectation you were handed.
00:07:52.639 --> 00:07:55.439
Most of them weren't designed with you in mind anyway.
00:08:00.000 --> 00:08:05.360
Leaving the military can feel chaotic, especially when you feel you should have a plan right away.
00:08:05.600 --> 00:08:08.720
But not knowing what's next doesn't mean you're failing.
00:08:08.879 --> 00:08:10.639
It means you're in transition.
00:08:10.879 --> 00:08:27.199
At the Recon Network, we help veterans and military spouses navigate transition by focusing on stability, direction, and alignment before outcomes are expected, so you can map your future without rushing the wrong move or spending years building a life out of sync with your purpose.
00:08:27.439 --> 00:08:29.360
Don't rush your next step.
00:08:29.600 --> 00:08:32.159
Navigate it with intention with Recon.
00:08:32.720 --> 00:08:37.039
Learn more about our programs and services at recon.vet.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.120
It's inevitable.
00:00:01.360 --> 00:00:09.039
At some point in your transition, you'll run into someone you know and they'll ask you the simplest but also hardest question.
00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:11.039
So, what are you doing now?
00:00:11.279 --> 00:00:19.039
Depending on where you're at in your life shift, you may experience a wide range of super fast, almost subconscious responses.
00:00:19.280 --> 00:00:22.079
Comfort, apathy, even panic.
00:00:22.320 --> 00:00:27.120
It's not that the question itself is complicated, and it's not that the answer is either.
00:00:27.280 --> 00:00:32.479
But for many, the question itself stirs up an almost reflexive reaction.
00:00:32.799 --> 00:00:41.039
And that is your body's response to the mental weight of the gap between what you're doing and what you think you should be doing by now.
00:00:41.280 --> 00:00:46.240
Hi, this is Jordiana, the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the In Brief podcast.
00:00:46.320 --> 00:00:52.240
And today we're talking about expectations, the ones you set for yourself and the ones other people hand you.
00:00:52.399 --> 00:01:02.719
We're going to talk about why they can get heavier after a major life change, how to tell which ones deserve to be kept, and how to put down the ones that were never yours to carry at all.
00:01:04.799 --> 00:01:05.920
This is in brief.
00:01:06.159 --> 00:01:07.439
Let's get to it.
00:01:24.719 --> 00:01:30.319
The timeline says, okay, by now you should have the career figured out.
00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:33.920
And by this point in time, you should be making a certain amount.
00:01:34.159 --> 00:01:39.599
And over here, you should feel settled, established, and clear on where you're going.
00:01:39.920 --> 00:01:47.280
And here's the thing: if you're on that timeline and everything is falling into place according to plan, you probably don't even register it.
00:01:47.519 --> 00:01:54.719
But if you aren't, well, that's when the script comes in to run an internal dialogue that tells the story of how you're doing.
00:01:54.959 --> 00:01:57.040
Sometimes that script is positive.
00:01:57.280 --> 00:01:57.920
You got this.
00:01:58.000 --> 00:02:00.239
Things are just hard right now, but they'll get better.
00:02:00.560 --> 00:02:04.799
Sometimes, though, that script is head trash personified.
00:02:04.959 --> 00:02:08.319
You know, things would be better if you weren't so bad at it.
00:02:08.639 --> 00:02:11.919
Or I can't believe you failed again.
00:02:12.639 --> 00:02:16.800
But here's the most important thing worth noticing about that script.
00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:19.120
You didn't write most of it.
00:02:19.280 --> 00:02:20.719
You inherited it.
00:02:21.120 --> 00:02:26.639
Some of it came from the military, a culture where progression is visible and timelines are universal.
00:02:27.120 --> 00:02:32.319
Rank told everyone exactly where you stood and you learned to measure yourself against the schedule.
00:02:32.479 --> 00:02:38.240
They gave you checklists and tap and told you how long everything would take for you to resettle after leaving service.
00:02:38.400 --> 00:02:43.360
They told you everyone wanted to hire veterans and you'd have no problem finding your next steps.
00:02:43.599 --> 00:02:45.919
Some of the expectations came from family.
00:02:46.080 --> 00:02:49.599
They taught you early how to handle conflict and stress.
00:02:49.759 --> 00:02:54.400
Your inner voice grew from what you heard growing up and absorbed as truth.
00:02:54.560 --> 00:03:02.960
They told you who you were, even if that definition was an external perception related to how they saw you within the larger whole.
00:03:03.199 --> 00:03:13.759
And of course, some of the script came from people you served with, and some came from a younger version of you who made very confident predictions about a life that they hadn't lived.
00:03:14.240 --> 00:03:22.240
The problem is that wherever it came from, you are carrying all of it, whether it makes sense or not.
00:03:22.960 --> 00:03:32.159
Every expectation from every source is stacked on top of each other, creating a mountain of how things should be and how you should be within the world.
00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:36.479
And when your real life doesn't match the stack, you don't question the stack.
00:03:36.639 --> 00:03:38.240
You question yourself.
00:03:39.039 --> 00:03:42.879
But here's the thing: expectations are not obligations.
00:03:43.199 --> 00:03:44.560
They're assumptions.
00:03:44.800 --> 00:03:56.800
They were assumptions about what your life should look like, made at a specific point in time by a specific person who often didn't even know you and certainly didn't have your current reality in view.
00:03:57.039 --> 00:04:01.360
Those assumptions deserve to be examined, not obeyed.
00:04:01.680 --> 00:04:03.199
So let's examine them.
00:04:03.439 --> 00:04:08.560
Take any expectation that's weighing on you and run it through three questions.
00:04:08.800 --> 00:04:11.199
The first is whose is it?
00:04:11.599 --> 00:04:14.400
Is this expectation actually yours?
00:04:14.639 --> 00:04:20.319
Something that you chose because it reflects what you want, or did you absorb it from someone else?
00:04:20.560 --> 00:04:22.240
This is an important distinction.
00:04:22.480 --> 00:04:29.199
A lot of what feels like ambition is really just other people's opinions that moved in and never left.
00:04:29.519 --> 00:04:32.160
The second question, is it current?
00:04:32.480 --> 00:04:37.600
Even if it was yours once, was it set by a version of you that no longer exists?
00:04:37.839 --> 00:04:42.000
The 25-year-old who planned your life didn't know what you know now.
00:04:42.160 --> 00:04:44.560
They hadn't lived through what you've lived through.
00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:50.000
Those expectations were built on the information available at the time, and times have changed.
00:04:50.160 --> 00:04:54.639
You have better information and likely a lot more self-awareness than you did back then.
00:04:54.959 --> 00:04:58.480
An adaptation to that reality is not failure.
00:04:58.720 --> 00:05:02.079
The third question: Does it serve where you're going?
00:05:02.399 --> 00:05:09.600
Some expectations pull you forward, they stretch you in directions you actually want to grow, but some just sit on your chest.
00:05:09.759 --> 00:05:11.920
They don't motivate you, they judge you.
00:05:12.079 --> 00:05:16.800
And in those cases, they aren't really standards, they're just added weight.
00:05:17.120 --> 00:05:18.639
That distinction matters.
00:05:18.879 --> 00:05:23.680
Releasing an expectation is not equivalent to lowering your standards.
00:05:23.920 --> 00:05:28.639
Standards are about how you show up, your integrity, your effort, your follow-through.
00:05:28.879 --> 00:05:32.160
Expectations are about outcomes on timelines.
00:05:32.319 --> 00:05:41.199
You can hold high standards and still release the expectation that your life follows someone else's schedule or someone else's trajectory.
00:05:41.519 --> 00:05:45.839
The harder part, of course, is dealing with other people's expectations.
00:05:46.079 --> 00:05:54.800
Family who expected a certain outcome or a career path, the peers who exited alongside you, but who measure you by where they think you should be.
00:05:54.959 --> 00:06:04.319
A community with really strong opinions about what success after service looks like, but little understanding about how that success is truly attained.
00:06:04.560 --> 00:06:13.120
Sure, you can't stop people from having expectations of you, but you can stop signing for the package because that's almost exactly what happens.
00:06:13.360 --> 00:06:20.240
Someone hands you an expectation and you take ownership of a standard that you never fully agreed to.
00:06:20.560 --> 00:06:30.560
Then later, if it isn't a fit for you, you begin defending yourself against it, explaining, justifying, overperforming, signaling that you accepted it as truth.
00:06:30.800 --> 00:06:37.199
And while it can feel aggressive to push back against those expectations, the alternative isn't necessarily confrontation.
00:06:37.360 --> 00:06:39.040
It's just declining to carry it.
00:06:39.279 --> 00:06:41.279
Thanks, but that's not the stage I'm at.
00:06:41.439 --> 00:06:42.319
Full stop.
00:06:42.639 --> 00:06:47.519
No explanation, no defense required, not even for grandma.
00:06:47.920 --> 00:06:51.680
As for the expectations you decide to keep, make them explicit.
00:06:51.839 --> 00:06:52.800
Write them down.
00:06:53.040 --> 00:07:02.000
Because expectations that live only in the back of your mind operate like judges, and expectations you've consciously chosen operate like guides.
00:07:02.160 --> 00:07:05.759
It's the same feedback, but a completely different weight.
00:07:06.720 --> 00:07:08.720
So here's what I want you to do this week.
00:07:08.959 --> 00:07:11.759
Name one expectation that's been sitting on you.
00:07:11.920 --> 00:07:12.560
Just one.
00:07:12.800 --> 00:07:14.319
Run it through the three questions.
00:07:14.480 --> 00:07:15.199
Whose is it?
00:07:15.360 --> 00:07:16.079
Is it current?
00:07:16.160 --> 00:07:17.680
And does it serve where I'm going?
00:07:17.920 --> 00:07:20.000
If it fails, put it down.
00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:23.519
Not dramatically, not with a big announcement.
00:07:23.759 --> 00:07:33.600
Just stop carrying it and take a minute and feel the weight release and acknowledge that you won't pick it up again, even accidentally.
00:07:34.079 --> 00:07:36.639
You'll likely notice something else once you do.
00:07:36.879 --> 00:07:43.680
The energy that expectation was consuming will come back to you and can fuel your journey to the right place.
00:07:43.920 --> 00:07:48.639
Because carrying weight takes effort, even when you're standing still.
00:07:48.879 --> 00:07:52.399
You don't have to meet every expectation you were handed.
00:07:52.639 --> 00:07:55.439
Most of them weren't designed with you in mind anyway.
00:08:00.000 --> 00:08:05.360
Leaving the military can feel chaotic, especially when you feel you should have a plan right away.
00:08:05.600 --> 00:08:08.720
But not knowing what's next doesn't mean you're failing.
00:08:08.879 --> 00:08:10.639
It means you're in transition.
00:08:10.879 --> 00:08:27.199
At the Recon Network, we help veterans and military spouses navigate transition by focusing on stability, direction, and alignment before outcomes are expected, so you can map your future without rushing the wrong move or spending years building a life out of sync with your purpose.
00:08:27.439 --> 00:08:29.360
Don't rush your next step.
00:08:29.600 --> 00:08:32.159
Navigate it with intention with Recon.
00:08:32.720 --> 00:08:37.039
Learn more about our programs and services at recon.vet.
