To Love Is to Be Vulnerable: Why Locking Your Heart Away Doesn't Keep It Safe — It Changes It | Ft. Ashley Negron

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Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm
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Josh Negron, and this show is all about sharing
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lessons, ideas, and strategies that sharpen your
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thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you
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to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in.
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Welcome back to the show. I'm joined again by
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my co -host, Ashley, my wife. And we've recently
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gone through all the new Harry Potter books in
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Audible, the full cast editions, which we highly
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recommend. They are so fun. And then, unfortunately,
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they were over. So we were like, well, crap,
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what do we do now? So we got the Tales of the
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Beetle and the Bard, some themed children's stories
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that J .K. has written, and their... very folky
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and weird, but in that universe. So it's funny
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to listen to them. And there was one story in
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particular that caught our attention just based
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on just the kind of the lessons it teaches called
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The Warlock with the Hairy Heart. And so the
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general story is that a young... warlock watches
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people around him and they fall in love and they
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get hurt and he realizes that he wants no part
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of that cycle it seems to be he's like well if
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you don't love then you can't get hurt and so
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he uses dark magic to remove his own heart and
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he locks it away and then it works he feels nothing
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he's untouchable he's admired years later he
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decides that he wants a wife now this is purely
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as an acquisition it's not he doesn't crave it
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a wife or anything like that but it's purely
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kind of like a a status move for him in that
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story. And when she asks where his heart is,
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he takes her down to show her his prize and kind
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of how he's achieved this great feat. And in
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that moment in the story, he decides to put the
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heart back in. But what's been sealed away in
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the dark all of these years is become something
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entirely different and something in the story
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that's described as monstrous and no longer human.
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And unfortunately, in the story, it destroys
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them both quite intensely, might I add. It's
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a pretty gruesome story. And so the detail that
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matters most here is that his heart didn't die
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in the box. It actually changed. The lesson in
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that, I think, is teased pretty obviously. Now,
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it's a little intense that it's aimed towards
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kids because initially when you read it, you're
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like, wow, that's that's pretty graphic. But
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it caught my attention because I think. Oftentimes,
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kids in that age, they already know this truth.
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Right. It's like kids get in these, you know,
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the best they're betrayed by their best friend
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and all of these like dynamic things that happen
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when, you know, the cost isn't as as severe as
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it is in adult relationships. And or they might
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have something truly tragic happen, like, you
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know, a divorce in the in the family. And that
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might be a moment where they decide to take,
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you know, therapists talk about this, where people
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take these and we'll talk about later in the
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episode. But when people make these vows to themselves,
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like I'll never allow or I'll never do. this.
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Those kinds of things are very similar to this
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magic described in the story. Ashley, what did
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this story make you think about when you heard
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it? I do. I think you're right. I think that
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we all have circumstances and situations in our
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lives that it feels like it would be easier to
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just lock away our heart and to never extend
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that grace again. You know, we've all we've all
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been hurt by somebody at some point in our lives.
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And we we have to convince ourselves to actually
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not just lock that away. Right. That has to be
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a choice. To go, you know what, I'm going to
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keep choosing to love or I'm going to extend
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this olive branch or I'm going to choose to not
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follow down the same path or I'm going to choose
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to break the cycle that I've watched for a long
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time. Whatever that issue may be for you. You
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know, I think it's a conscious choice and a conscious
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effort to say, nope, I'm going to take a chance
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on love again because I think that it's worth
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it. And it is. What this really made me think
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about is a quote that I read from C .S. Lewis
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many, many years ago. He wrote it back in The
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Four Loves in 1960. And I'll just read the full
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quote because it's very poetic, but it gets to
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the same point in a different way. And he says,
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to love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything
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and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.
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If you want to make sure of keeping it intact,
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you must give it to no one, not even an animal.
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Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little
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luxuries. Avoid all entanglements. Lock it up
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safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
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My goodness. And in that casket, safe, dark,
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motionless, airless, it will change. It will
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not be broken. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable,
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irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. Yeah,
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there's a lot in there. Such a powerful quote.
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Absolutely. And, you know, he brings this distinction
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of that vulnerability isn't a risk of love. It's
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the same thing as love. You can't have love without
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vulnerability. They're both required. They're
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in the same recipe. And that the alternative
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isn't actually safety. It's all of these, and
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I love how he describes it, hobbies and little
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luxuries, avoiding entanglements, you know, those
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surface level butterfly relationships. That's
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similar to what the warlock was described in
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having in that story. He had no deep, meaningful
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relationships. And then... When he described
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the good things, you know, that it becomes unbreakable.
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Initially, it's like, oh, yes, that sounds great.
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And then he goes impenetrable. And that's like
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you start to kind of get the sense that maybe
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this isn't the best play. And then the last word,
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irredeemable. And just like in the story. It
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was too far gone. It was so changed, so different,
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so not human that it destroyed not only him,
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but her as well. So it becomes at some point
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like beyond rescue unless some major, major shifts
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occur. And so to bring it together, both stories
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talk about how a sealed heart doesn't stay preserved,
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right? Because like if you're preserving food,
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you're wanting it to remain unchanged. and the
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same so that you can eat it later, right? But
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not so, the heart doesn't work that way. So if
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you lock it up, you cannot preserve it. It changes,
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it transforms into something terrible. So let's
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talk through some of the things that people can
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do that cause them to justify taking these kinds
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of actions, right? So for example, like I just
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mentioned, some people will have these surface
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relationships. Some personalities are more prone
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to these than others. Like we've talked about
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before, the social, personality types depending
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on the the test that you take like the color
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codes the easiest one the yellows for example
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they are they are very social they're fun driven
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they're motivated by fun and so one disadvantage,
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unless they work on it intentionally, is that
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they can have a lot of shallow relationships,
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which avoids accountability, but also avoids
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fulfillment and deep meaningful relationships.
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But this isn't just personality related. It can
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be a result of someone who's been hurt, who knows
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that if they just remain surface level in all
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of their relationships, then they can't be hurt.
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Like people who use humor as a defense mechanism
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when people get too close. Like we all know,
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right? We've all interacted with people who,
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when you get too deep, they have some way of
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kind of bringing it back to some shallow surface,
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right? Humor is an easy one to point to because
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that's a common play that people will just, you
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ask a serious question, they'll just make a joke
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and shrug it off and then it's over, right? Now
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what's crazy is some people can even do this
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in a marriage. How would you? How would you frame
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that, Ashley? As a female who is highly independent
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and likes to do things on my own, you definitely
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have to work at not closing yourself off to that.
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It's so easy to ask for help, but then give you
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0 .5 seconds to get up and do exactly what I
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asked you to do, right? There's a reason that
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there's all of those reels and memes about that.
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But I think there's also a reason that there's
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all these other reels and memes about the fact
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that I used to be this highly independent woman
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and then... my spouse came along and now I get
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mad when I have to go get my own coffee and I
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have to drive myself somewhere and I have to
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put in my own directions and I have to whatever,
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right? Like those are just all silly things.
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But when you allow someone into that space within
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your heart, you learn that you don't want to
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do everything by yourself and you don't want
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to be the only person to do that. And you want
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to include them and you want to continue to build
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that relationship together. And so, yes, that's
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a funny way to look at it, but you definitely
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want to not wall off your spouse in that way
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and try to just do everything on your own, but
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yet allow them to help you and to help each other,
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not just one direction or the other. Absolutely.
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Another one that we had talked about off camera
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of how people do this. is sometimes people avoid
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the vulnerable moments. Like for example, if
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someone who's grieving or having a hard time,
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sometimes it's too easy to avoid reaching out
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to them. And the common thing is that people
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are like, well, I don't know what to say. So
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I'm just not going to say anything. When in that
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moment, it's just as powerful to that person
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who's grieving to know that someone's thinking
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about them. And so sometimes if you worry that
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you're going to say the wrong thing and you don't
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want to say something stupid, like anything that
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starts with at least, please can that. Absolutely.
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Then an easy cheat is letting someone know, hey,
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thinking about you. that's an easy one to do
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that. And so, yeah, I think about how many people
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reached out to us, you know, after, after we
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lost Sarah, who didn't know Sarah, you know,
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no, no connection whatsoever, but people who
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just said, Hey, I'm really sorry to hear about
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your friend. I'm thinking about you praying for
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you, whatever that that looked like. It meant
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a lot for them to acknowledge that loss. Or for
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people to go, hey, how are you today? And so
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those conversations were so nice and so helpful
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and to know that people were thinking about us
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and that they cared. Yeah, that was huge. Sometimes
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people choose less important things than human
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relationships to kind of replace that kind of
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thing. So, I mean, it can be anything like the
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things that C .S. Lewis talks about. It can be
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anything from a pet to a hobby, a routine, and
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these days a screen. We see families that go
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out to dinner and then they're all on their cell
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phones. And so what kind of vulnerability and
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intimacy is going on there while they're breaking
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bread on their cell phones? Another one is using
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cynicism as armor. I think we talked earlier
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about humor. Cynicism is also another powerful
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way to kind of detach. This is a little bit more
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like sophisticated where it's kind of cool to
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be aloof. And avoid that connection. And it's
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just kind of comes, that's just kind of how people
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project themselves. And then the last one we
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had talked about is just staying busy. You know,
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we're all busy. We all got stuff going on. And
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that makes it very, very difficult. We noticed
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that, you know, throughout the years, throughout
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the decades, being intentional with relationships
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takes in. intentionality and focus to to schedule,
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find time together and the busier that you get
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through life. And, you know, when when people
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have kids in certain ages that are starting sports
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and the parents have to sometimes be in three
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different places at once, it's crazy. And so
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so getting that time with them is is very difficult
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to find time where all the schedules match up.
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Sometimes we schedule stuff out a couple of months
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ahead of time. with people just so we can make
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sure and have some time with them. And I know
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for you and I, that has been something very valuable
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throughout the decades as we've grown in our
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relationships. Yeah. As an adult, we always laugh
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that like, man, it takes us 27 business days
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to be able to hang out, right? But you have to
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be intentional with that. And you do have to.
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You know, as you were sitting here talking, I
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literally thought of a list of like five people
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that I need to text and be like, hey, when can
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you hang out between now and October? Because
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that's where we're at, right? But like, I want
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to make time for those people. I love those people.
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I want to hear what's going on in their life.
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I want to invest in them. I want to feed them.
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I want to play a game, whatever that looks like,
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right? And so it does just take intentionality.
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And I think probably in today's culture, that
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single piece and then our phones are probably
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two of the biggest things that keep us from connection
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because it's so much easier to just pick up your
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phone and to just swipe and scroll and it is
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easy to get busy and not realize like, oh my
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gosh, I haven't seen that person in six months,
00:12:54.139 --> 00:12:57.539
right? Unless you're in that same social circle
00:12:57.539 --> 00:13:00.220
or unless your kids play the same sports together.
00:13:00.909 --> 00:13:03.929
or they are in some activity together or you're
00:13:03.929 --> 00:13:07.309
intentional you're you're just not gonna see
00:13:07.309 --> 00:13:10.970
people and that can be its own form of hurt you
00:13:10.970 --> 00:13:13.110
know I think about like adult and friendships
00:13:13.110 --> 00:13:16.220
and like Sometimes it can feel so one -sided
00:13:16.220 --> 00:13:18.080
that you're the only person like reaching out
00:13:18.080 --> 00:13:21.519
asking, but you have no idea what that other
00:13:21.519 --> 00:13:23.639
person is struggling with, what they're thinking
00:13:23.639 --> 00:13:26.039
about. Maybe they just genuinely don't have the
00:13:26.039 --> 00:13:28.799
capacity or that's an area that's really not
00:13:28.799 --> 00:13:31.000
good for them and they rely on other people for
00:13:31.000 --> 00:13:34.019
that invite and are always down to say yes, but
00:13:34.019 --> 00:13:36.639
they rely on other people. And so I think that's
00:13:36.639 --> 00:13:38.480
probably one of the biggest things when it comes
00:13:38.480 --> 00:13:40.840
to this, like don't let your heart be hardened.
00:13:41.480 --> 00:13:43.460
you're going to probably be rejected and you
00:13:43.460 --> 00:13:46.179
may be forgotten from something. But ask the
00:13:46.179 --> 00:13:49.059
questions. Be the human to reach out. Be the
00:13:49.059 --> 00:13:50.980
one that says, hey, I want to spend time with
00:13:50.980 --> 00:13:53.620
you. I want to do this. Look for ways to do that
00:13:53.620 --> 00:13:56.379
or invite people into your home, right? You may
00:13:56.379 --> 00:13:58.519
have to be the one that's taking that initiative
00:13:58.519 --> 00:14:00.759
and not always relying on other people. And it
00:14:00.759 --> 00:14:04.899
can be so easy to do that. And I think... We
00:14:04.899 --> 00:14:08.159
are all so guilty of it. And so it just takes
00:14:08.159 --> 00:14:10.620
time and intentionality. Yep. When you were saying
00:14:10.620 --> 00:14:13.820
that, it made me think of how tempting it is
00:14:13.820 --> 00:14:16.480
in your head to start keeping that scoreboard
00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:19.580
of, you know, well, I've asked the last blah,
00:14:19.659 --> 00:14:22.679
blah, blah times. And just that humility and
00:14:22.679 --> 00:14:26.759
that grace is so, so important. I had a dear,
00:14:26.940 --> 00:14:29.679
like one of my oldest friends, the best man at
00:14:29.679 --> 00:14:32.039
my wedding, he was very honest with me. He's
00:14:32.039 --> 00:14:34.950
like, hey, man, I was a military. kid. And when
00:14:34.950 --> 00:14:37.350
I it's out of sight, out of mind, it's nothing
00:14:37.350 --> 00:14:40.210
personal. Like if I don't see someone, I don't
00:14:40.210 --> 00:14:42.649
think about them. And, you know, you can have
00:14:42.649 --> 00:14:45.250
your opinions about that. But if you're thinking
00:14:45.250 --> 00:14:47.850
of it in the way that I would recommend that
00:14:47.850 --> 00:14:50.289
you do, you don't think too deeply about that
00:14:50.289 --> 00:14:53.200
at all. It's someone admitting to you that it's
00:14:53.200 --> 00:14:55.139
not their strong suit. Some people don't even
00:14:55.139 --> 00:14:57.080
just they don't they're not even aware of that.
00:14:57.200 --> 00:14:59.919
And so does it really matter? That's not a question
00:14:59.919 --> 00:15:02.559
that I can answer for you. But I know in some
00:15:02.559 --> 00:15:05.000
of my relationships, the scales sometimes tip.
00:15:05.370 --> 00:15:07.769
opposite way. And it's like, hey, okay, well,
00:15:07.909 --> 00:15:10.250
if it's a relationship that I think is valuable,
00:15:10.389 --> 00:15:13.309
and one that I want to maintain, then why would
00:15:13.309 --> 00:15:16.070
it matter who's the one that's it's just something
00:15:16.070 --> 00:15:18.490
I want people to think about, you know, and so
00:15:18.490 --> 00:15:20.750
getting consumed by the head trash associated
00:15:20.750 --> 00:15:23.529
with things like keeping score. I mean, we can
00:15:23.529 --> 00:15:25.809
talk about that in a marriage to how that's not
00:15:25.809 --> 00:15:29.629
not great. I'm also an introvert. And so if I
00:15:29.629 --> 00:15:33.740
had my natural choice, sometimes I don't want
00:15:33.740 --> 00:15:36.919
to be around people. And so and it's because
00:15:36.919 --> 00:15:38.840
sometimes people are like, I didn't even know
00:15:38.840 --> 00:15:41.120
you were an introvert. And when I'm around my
00:15:41.120 --> 00:15:44.399
people, I'm I'm way more extroverted or omnivore
00:15:44.399 --> 00:15:46.799
or whatever you want to call it. But I there
00:15:46.799 --> 00:15:49.919
are times that I would rather just default to
00:15:49.919 --> 00:15:52.539
staying home, not going out, even if it is with
00:15:52.539 --> 00:15:54.559
my people. It's like, you know, can we just stay
00:15:54.559 --> 00:15:56.580
in? I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want
00:15:56.580 --> 00:15:59.159
to do anything. And so out of all those things,
00:15:59.320 --> 00:16:01.240
sometimes it doesn't have to be anything on that
00:16:01.240 --> 00:16:03.299
list. It can just be. I don't want to go out
00:16:03.299 --> 00:16:04.899
and do anything or I don't want to be with anyone
00:16:04.899 --> 00:16:07.139
or I don't want to see anyone. And so it's OK
00:16:07.139 --> 00:16:11.220
to to to wrestle with any of these things. But
00:16:11.220 --> 00:16:14.299
like we talked about in these stories there,
00:16:14.500 --> 00:16:18.759
I think it is valuable to find out if you've
00:16:18.759 --> 00:16:22.580
made any personal policies with yourself that
00:16:22.580 --> 00:16:25.779
come out of the pain. or the hurt that you've
00:16:25.779 --> 00:16:28.379
experienced. Because if that's the case, then
00:16:28.379 --> 00:16:31.120
that could be holding you back in your relationships.
00:16:31.399 --> 00:16:35.299
And I think that is something that would be fruitful
00:16:35.299 --> 00:16:38.320
work. That if you really start digging into that,
00:16:38.379 --> 00:16:41.299
either by yourself or with a therapist, these
00:16:41.299 --> 00:16:43.440
are things that they specialize in and identifying
00:16:43.440 --> 00:16:46.679
ways, little promises you made to yourself, commitments,
00:16:47.000 --> 00:16:49.899
policies that you've built to use some kind of
00:16:49.899 --> 00:16:52.379
like work language. These are things that you've
00:16:52.379 --> 00:16:54.990
decided because you got hurt. People can make
00:16:54.990 --> 00:16:57.350
these like promises to themselves. Well, I will
00:16:57.350 --> 00:17:02.309
never allow someone ever again to have this power
00:17:02.309 --> 00:17:05.869
over me or or whatever. And this is this goes
00:17:05.869 --> 00:17:09.190
right along with with these stories. So the you
00:17:09.190 --> 00:17:12.289
know, the warlock, he's he's not stupid. He watched
00:17:12.289 --> 00:17:15.789
people get destroyed by love. And he drew from
00:17:15.789 --> 00:17:18.009
his perspective, a very rational conclusion.
00:17:18.599 --> 00:17:21.359
He's like, well, grief is real, betrayal is real,
00:17:21.460 --> 00:17:24.940
and some people are bad people, you know, bad
00:17:24.940 --> 00:17:27.539
actors out there. Jordan Peterson talks a lot
00:17:27.539 --> 00:17:31.609
about... the power of malevolence on people and
00:17:31.609 --> 00:17:34.309
how it affects and destroys them. He's like,
00:17:34.349 --> 00:17:38.549
it's not even, you know, hardship and suffering.
00:17:38.690 --> 00:17:42.049
He's like, those two are tough, but sometimes
00:17:42.049 --> 00:17:44.930
life is just hard. He's like, malevolence is
00:17:44.930 --> 00:17:48.910
really what messes people up and causes some
00:17:48.910 --> 00:17:52.710
severe damage because malevolence is when someone
00:17:52.710 --> 00:17:55.880
else out there is doing something with bad intent.
00:17:56.059 --> 00:17:57.940
We've all been hurt by someone who's like, oh
00:17:57.940 --> 00:18:00.140
my gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. And
00:18:00.140 --> 00:18:02.259
they genuinely mean that. They didn't mean to.
00:18:02.319 --> 00:18:05.099
It was an accident, a misunderstanding, something
00:18:05.099 --> 00:18:08.519
like that. But let's not be naive. You will run
00:18:08.519 --> 00:18:11.019
across people, or if you haven't already, you
00:18:11.019 --> 00:18:15.180
have, in this world that do not have your best
00:18:15.180 --> 00:18:18.380
interest at heart. And those are the worst that
00:18:18.380 --> 00:18:21.339
can cause the things that these stories both
00:18:21.339 --> 00:18:23.660
talk about that can cause you to decide, you
00:18:23.660 --> 00:18:26.400
know what? I'm not gonna allow myself to be hurt
00:18:26.400 --> 00:18:28.960
again. And so we don't, we wanna be, we wanna
00:18:28.960 --> 00:18:31.839
recognize those moments and not take those lightly.
00:18:31.980 --> 00:18:34.539
If you've been severely hurt by someone, this
00:18:34.539 --> 00:18:37.839
is something that you should do. If it's severe
00:18:37.839 --> 00:18:39.980
enough, you should do with a professional because
00:18:39.980 --> 00:18:41.880
we don't wanna minimize those things and just
00:18:41.880 --> 00:18:43.660
be like, no, just put yourself back out there.
00:18:43.720 --> 00:18:46.819
It doesn't matter. There's a reason why you have.
00:18:47.559 --> 00:18:49.619
impulse to protect yourself because you were
00:18:49.619 --> 00:18:52.859
hurt by a bad actor. So that being said, it goes
00:18:52.859 --> 00:18:56.079
back to the heart of the question. If we know
00:18:56.079 --> 00:18:59.640
that the risk is not always worth the reward,
00:18:59.859 --> 00:19:02.519
we all know the math, if you will, the emotional
00:19:02.519 --> 00:19:06.519
math. Why would people open up anyway? And we've
00:19:06.519 --> 00:19:09.880
talked about in previous episodes, the loss we've
00:19:09.880 --> 00:19:12.200
experienced recently of someone very dear to
00:19:12.200 --> 00:19:15.640
us. And this is a scenario where You know, we
00:19:15.640 --> 00:19:17.839
weren't mistreated or anything like that. It's
00:19:17.839 --> 00:19:20.859
just the pain that we all feel when we love someone
00:19:20.859 --> 00:19:24.119
and then they're no longer with us and the pain
00:19:24.119 --> 00:19:26.880
that we feel. And at any stage of this, did I
00:19:26.880 --> 00:19:29.099
ever think, man, well, that wasn't worth it.
00:19:30.460 --> 00:19:34.200
But conceivably, the more you love someone, the
00:19:34.200 --> 00:19:37.779
more pain. I feel like you could feel when they're
00:19:37.779 --> 00:19:39.460
not here anymore. So we've talked about that
00:19:39.460 --> 00:19:43.579
before. And I saw a quote here that grief is
00:19:43.579 --> 00:19:47.160
the tax on having loved. Which is a cool way
00:19:47.160 --> 00:19:49.960
to put that. I've heard it also said like that
00:19:49.960 --> 00:19:53.000
grief is a love with nowhere to go. There's a
00:19:53.000 --> 00:19:55.140
couple other quotes that people told me around
00:19:55.140 --> 00:19:57.000
that time that I was like, oh, that's really
00:19:57.000 --> 00:20:00.559
cool. But by Lewis's logic here, it says that
00:20:00.559 --> 00:20:03.000
the only way to have avoided this pain is to
00:20:03.000 --> 00:20:05.539
not have loved them altogether. And again, like
00:20:05.539 --> 00:20:08.380
I said, that is not a trade that I'm up for.
00:20:08.539 --> 00:20:13.369
Negative. One of the most beautiful relationships
00:20:13.369 --> 00:20:15.769
we've ever had. And so Ashley, you talked a little
00:20:15.769 --> 00:20:18.609
bit about in previous episodes, the journey of
00:20:18.609 --> 00:20:21.170
getting off of social media. In this day and
00:20:21.170 --> 00:20:23.549
age, that's another type of connection that people
00:20:23.549 --> 00:20:25.990
are like, well, I have, you know, I've got 2000
00:20:25.990 --> 00:20:29.109
Facebook friends. How has that journey of you
00:20:29.109 --> 00:20:30.890
getting off there? Has it helped you connect
00:20:30.890 --> 00:20:34.289
with people in reality versus social? Like, how's
00:20:34.289 --> 00:20:36.390
that been for you? Right. You know, it is in
00:20:36.390 --> 00:20:38.990
our world today. It is so easy to be like, yeah,
00:20:39.029 --> 00:20:41.279
I'm connected to everybody. I could just reach
00:20:41.279 --> 00:20:44.579
out do whatever but I started to notice that
00:20:44.579 --> 00:20:48.400
first of all my algorithm was very much controlling
00:20:48.400 --> 00:20:51.700
who I was seeing and what I was getting fed first
00:20:51.700 --> 00:20:55.200
of all I it became more about like ads and political
00:20:55.200 --> 00:20:59.839
posts and you know or whatever crazy mass chaos
00:20:59.839 --> 00:21:02.700
was going on in the world rather than like the
00:21:02.700 --> 00:21:04.740
things that were going on in people's lives and
00:21:04.740 --> 00:21:08.140
knowing that like like anybody else we most people
00:21:08.140 --> 00:21:10.859
only post the good, right? Like they only post
00:21:10.859 --> 00:21:14.500
the shiny, happy, polished version of themselves,
00:21:14.700 --> 00:21:18.559
not the real thing. And so one of the only ways
00:21:18.559 --> 00:21:20.220
that you're going to know what's actually going
00:21:20.220 --> 00:21:23.220
on in someone's life is to spend time with them,
00:21:23.259 --> 00:21:26.000
to sit down, to eat a meal together, to reach
00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:28.940
out, to listen to those little nudges that say,
00:21:29.019 --> 00:21:30.789
hey, you should... Text that person and check
00:21:30.789 --> 00:21:33.009
up on them. I found any time that that person
00:21:33.009 --> 00:21:36.089
pops into my head, I'm like, you know what? I
00:21:36.089 --> 00:21:38.589
really need to do that. And later I find out
00:21:38.589 --> 00:21:41.089
that there's a reason. They're going through
00:21:41.089 --> 00:21:42.809
something or there was something happening at
00:21:42.809 --> 00:21:45.109
that moment that they just needed that encouragement.
00:21:45.430 --> 00:21:49.210
And so when you build actual deep relationships
00:21:49.210 --> 00:21:51.470
with people, it changes the way that you look
00:21:51.470 --> 00:21:55.329
at life. And every time that we have built deep
00:21:55.329 --> 00:21:57.650
relationships with people, I have found that,
00:21:57.670 --> 00:22:00.200
yes, I'm going to get hurt. Yes, it is going
00:22:00.200 --> 00:22:04.380
to be hard. And every time it is so, so worth
00:22:04.380 --> 00:22:06.220
it. You know, the things that I have learned
00:22:06.220 --> 00:22:09.380
about myself, about being a friend, about how
00:22:09.380 --> 00:22:11.539
to take care of other people, about what showing
00:22:11.539 --> 00:22:15.380
up when it's hard, those things matter, right?
00:22:15.559 --> 00:22:18.240
You know, I will never forget the people that
00:22:18.240 --> 00:22:19.859
showed up at our house the day that we lost your
00:22:19.859 --> 00:22:23.200
mom. Like our house was flooded with people to
00:22:23.200 --> 00:22:26.079
take care of us who were here, who showed up,
00:22:26.079 --> 00:22:29.319
who put their own lives on hold. Right. And what
00:22:29.319 --> 00:22:32.000
how different that that day might have been had
00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:34.380
we not been investing in those people before
00:22:34.380 --> 00:22:36.880
life got hard. Had we not built and formed a
00:22:36.880 --> 00:22:39.660
friendship before it got hard so that when it
00:22:39.660 --> 00:22:42.819
was hard, we weren't carrying that burden alone.
00:22:42.960 --> 00:22:45.960
We weren't walking down that path alone. You
00:22:45.960 --> 00:22:48.759
know, our friend Holly had lost her daughter,
00:22:48.859 --> 00:22:52.200
you know, like I think two months before your
00:22:52.200 --> 00:22:55.579
mom. Right. Maybe even only a month, maybe two.
00:22:55.640 --> 00:22:58.000
No, it was two. And she showed up that afternoon
00:22:58.000 --> 00:23:00.680
with a basket of things that she knew that we
00:23:00.680 --> 00:23:03.019
were going to need because she had just spent
00:23:03.019 --> 00:23:05.440
the last two months living that experience and
00:23:05.440 --> 00:23:07.259
didn't want us to have to figure all that out
00:23:07.259 --> 00:23:11.119
on our own. Now, you don't get that when you
00:23:11.119 --> 00:23:13.740
wall yourself off to people, when you put your
00:23:13.740 --> 00:23:16.380
box, your heart in a box, and you say, this isn't
00:23:16.380 --> 00:23:18.380
worth it. Because I can promise you, even in
00:23:18.380 --> 00:23:21.309
the midst of the hurt, it unequivocally without
00:23:21.309 --> 00:23:23.829
a shadow of a doubt is worth it and i think the
00:23:23.829 --> 00:23:26.450
older that i get and the longer that friendships
00:23:26.450 --> 00:23:32.390
go the more that i see the value in those friendships
00:23:32.390 --> 00:23:35.789
and in you know adventures together in eating
00:23:35.789 --> 00:23:38.650
food together um you know spontaneously going
00:23:38.650 --> 00:23:40.789
to a movie which we did with the friends this
00:23:40.789 --> 00:23:43.529
last week right like all of those things are
00:23:43.529 --> 00:23:47.920
so important and they bring a level of joy to
00:23:47.920 --> 00:23:51.079
life that is unmatched. Again, doesn't mean that
00:23:51.079 --> 00:23:53.880
they're not going to be times of sorrow and pain,
00:23:54.000 --> 00:23:57.319
but boy, is it better to walk along that path
00:23:57.319 --> 00:23:59.539
with other people than by yourself. Yeah. It's
00:23:59.539 --> 00:24:02.460
like, if you, if you get rid of, if you get rid
00:24:02.460 --> 00:24:04.980
of relationships, you're like your emotional
00:24:04.980 --> 00:24:08.160
wavelengths are like dampened and you're just,
00:24:08.200 --> 00:24:10.619
you know, you don't have any highs. You don't
00:24:10.619 --> 00:24:13.240
have any, like, it's just from a relational front.
00:24:13.640 --> 00:24:15.460
And so you're protected from that, you know,
00:24:15.460 --> 00:24:19.700
certain pains. all the blessings are also walled
00:24:19.700 --> 00:24:24.059
off, no access. And when I pull that little string
00:24:24.059 --> 00:24:26.279
there where you talked about when you get prompted
00:24:26.279 --> 00:24:28.579
to text someone, when you're thinking of them,
00:24:28.660 --> 00:24:32.359
man, the hilarious coincidences that are associated
00:24:32.359 --> 00:24:35.599
in those moments. It's comical at this point.
00:24:35.680 --> 00:24:38.380
I made a commitment, I mean, I want to say five
00:24:38.380 --> 00:24:40.720
or six years ago where it was like, anytime I
00:24:40.720 --> 00:24:43.140
get a prompt like that, I will just go ahead
00:24:43.140 --> 00:24:45.460
and send the text, make the phone call. It's
00:24:45.460 --> 00:24:48.509
usually a text. And it's so easy. It doesn't
00:24:48.509 --> 00:24:50.710
cost you anything. You just send a message like,
00:24:50.769 --> 00:24:52.289
hey, thinking about you. Are you doing all right?
00:24:52.329 --> 00:24:55.430
Whatever. And lo and behold, so many times people
00:24:55.430 --> 00:24:57.730
are like, oh, my gosh, like I was, you know,
00:24:57.769 --> 00:24:59.650
this is what's going on. And I can't believe
00:24:59.650 --> 00:25:02.390
you reached out and whatever. You can overemphasize
00:25:02.390 --> 00:25:04.670
that, I guess, if you want to. But I think there's
00:25:04.670 --> 00:25:07.059
something there. Probably a whole nother episode.
00:25:07.059 --> 00:25:09.180
And we it's funny because we had talked about
00:25:09.180 --> 00:25:11.539
in episode 44, you know, just our observations
00:25:11.539 --> 00:25:14.579
of one of the World Cup games. Right. And just
00:25:14.579 --> 00:25:16.380
kind of the position that puts you in when you're
00:25:16.380 --> 00:25:18.619
protecting the win and you're not playing to
00:25:18.619 --> 00:25:20.539
win, you're you're playing it safe. And this
00:25:20.539 --> 00:25:23.200
is like an ultimate relational version of playing
00:25:23.200 --> 00:25:25.319
it safe. Right. Where you're just like, no, I'm
00:25:25.319 --> 00:25:26.900
going to protect it. I'm not going to let anyone
00:25:26.900 --> 00:25:29.160
in. And then that's going to make sure that I'm
00:25:29.160 --> 00:25:33.759
good. But are you good? So maybe. There's multiple
00:25:33.759 --> 00:25:37.119
calls to action here that you can do. So again,
00:25:37.319 --> 00:25:41.640
if it's been something in your past, if I reference
00:25:41.640 --> 00:25:43.519
that, you're probably thinking of it right now.
00:25:43.599 --> 00:25:47.299
If that definitely has a strong influence on
00:25:47.299 --> 00:25:50.200
your ability to have meaningful relationships,
00:25:50.319 --> 00:25:53.460
then that definitely might be something. that
00:25:53.460 --> 00:25:55.579
would benefit from the help of a professional.
00:25:55.779 --> 00:25:58.460
And that is work that I've personally done. So
00:25:58.460 --> 00:26:00.839
I highly encourage you to take that step and
00:26:00.839 --> 00:26:04.319
do that. For others, if that, if you just notice
00:26:04.319 --> 00:26:07.599
yourself, you know, using cynicism or humor as
00:26:07.599 --> 00:26:09.900
like, you know, keeping people at bay, whatever
00:26:09.900 --> 00:26:12.380
your motivations might be behind that, everyone's
00:26:12.380 --> 00:26:14.400
a little bit different. But it stems from similar
00:26:14.400 --> 00:26:17.480
places of woundedness and hurt by others, you
00:26:17.480 --> 00:26:19.579
know, hurt people hurt people. I would encourage
00:26:19.579 --> 00:26:23.420
you to look at those things and try to kind of
00:26:23.420 --> 00:26:25.440
dig and uncover. If there's someone that you're
00:26:25.440 --> 00:26:27.279
keeping, you know, at a comfortable distance,
00:26:27.539 --> 00:26:29.420
if it's someone that you actually care about,
00:26:29.579 --> 00:26:32.119
you can start making some intentional steps and
00:26:32.119 --> 00:26:35.420
don't, you know, make the step to close the gap.
00:26:35.599 --> 00:26:37.599
Don't keep score. You know, if you're the only
00:26:37.599 --> 00:26:39.839
one taking steps, well, guess what? You're still
00:26:39.839 --> 00:26:41.359
getting closer. It doesn't matter. You know,
00:26:41.440 --> 00:26:44.299
you don't have to be like, well, it's 12 steps
00:26:44.299 --> 00:26:47.000
for me and only you've actually went backwards.
00:26:48.599 --> 00:26:50.720
No, I'm just kidding. So, you know, make the
00:26:50.720 --> 00:26:53.299
call, send the text, ask the real question, give
00:26:53.299 --> 00:26:56.460
a response that's meaningful and real and, and,
00:26:56.539 --> 00:26:58.539
you know, say the thing, whatever it might be.
00:26:58.819 --> 00:27:01.779
Vulnerability has a degree of honesty where you
00:27:01.779 --> 00:27:04.680
have to be open and honest with others. And,
00:27:04.700 --> 00:27:07.980
and that also opens you up to all sorts of things
00:27:07.980 --> 00:27:10.359
like rejection and, and, and those kinds of things,
00:27:10.420 --> 00:27:13.259
which again can, can touch back on, on wounds
00:27:13.259 --> 00:27:15.740
of the past. And, and that's just, that's obviously
00:27:15.740 --> 00:27:19.269
a part of. the journey of optimization in working
00:27:19.269 --> 00:27:22.130
through those things. So remember, just because
00:27:22.130 --> 00:27:25.309
a heart is kept safe doesn't mean it will remain
00:27:25.309 --> 00:27:27.809
a heart forever. Because at some point, if you
00:27:27.809 --> 00:27:30.339
keep protecting it, it might stop being a heart.
00:27:30.440 --> 00:27:33.160
And then you've got an entirely different situation
00:27:33.160 --> 00:27:35.500
on your hands. Thanks for listening to the Optimizing
00:27:35.500 --> 00:27:37.779
Beyond podcast. Remember, growth happens when
00:27:37.779 --> 00:27:40.180
you take action. So subscribe, share this with
00:27:40.180 --> 00:27:42.200
a friend, and most importantly, put what you
00:27:42.200 --> 00:27:44.559
learned into practice. And until next time, remember,
00:27:44.740 --> 00:27:47.259
daily anything changes everything.