WEBVTT
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Chemsex.
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Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
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Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
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Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
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Alright, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and the solo episode.
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Don't forget there's a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
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The link is in the show notes, as usual.
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Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it.
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All right.
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So you've been following this series.
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We've been comparing the five stages of grief to the journey of chemsex recovery.
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And again, I'm going to remind you this process outlined here is the world according to Dallas.
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There is no official peer-reviewed studies to back this up.
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There's nothing out there scientific that will tell you that there is actual five stages of grief.
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This is what I've observed, and this is a comparison that I think helps quite a bit.
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So if you've been following and you see yourself in any of the examples, in any of the stages, my work here is done because my intent is not to offer a prescribed set of stages for you to follow, but to help facilitate articulating how you might be feeling and to offer some direction on that.
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So my intentions are very pure here.
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I want to ensure you.
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So we assure you.
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Did I say insure you?
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I don't want to insure you.
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I want to assure you.
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We have walked through the whole road together here, right?
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Denial, anger, bargaining, depression.
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The four stages that I propose each man in chemsex recovery has to move through in his own time, in his own order, sometimes circling back, sometimes camping out, but always moving toward their healing.
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And now we're at the last one: acceptance.
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If you don't go any further in listening to this podcast, I want you to really observe that, absorb this.
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Acceptance is not a destination, it's a state of being.
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It's an action.
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Acceptance is a daily orientation.
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It is the practice of inhabiting your new life instead of mourning the old one.
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It's taking your one foot out of the old life and putting both foot in the new, right?
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It's that moment.
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It's repeated thousands of times when you stop fighting and you surrender to what is.
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So, all right, so let's go through this very carefully so that you can understand what acceptance is.
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So, the root of the word, the Latin origins of the word acceptance.
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It means to bring something close to oneself, to hold it close.
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So I'm not going to break it down for you.
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You can Google it if you want to see all the iterations of the word to get the full picture.
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But so acceptance is an action word.
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It is the deliberate act of taking something toward yourself, of opening up your arms and pulling something in that you might have otherwise pushed away.
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Literally, acceptance means to do this again and again and again.
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It is not a one-time motion.
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It is a practice.
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Acceptance is a practice, a discipline, a way of living.
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Acceptance is the practice of taking toward yourself the parts of yourself that you've been pushing away, the parts you've been rejecting.
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So there's a part of you who you've you've been grieving, right, through this whole process.
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That part of you has died.
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You distance yourself from him, the things he said, the things he did, things he was aroused by why under the influence.
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But acceptance, in its root meaning, asks something different of you now.
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Acceptance asks you to take him back.
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Not to become him again, not to invite him back into the driver's seat, not to let him run to show the show, but to love him.
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The part of you that lied, the part of you that enjoyed it, the part of you that hurt people, the part of you that wanted to use, part of you that even now sometimes misses it.
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The part of you that picked up the pipe for the first time, part of you that kept picking it up after you knew what it was doing, the part of you that did things in those rooms that you have never told anyone.
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All of those parts, you bring them back, you hold them close, you love them anyway that was still you, and there's nothing bad about them.
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You have been rejecting them, you have been pushing them away, you have been treating them like a previous tenant who trashed the apartment, somebody you're glad to get rid of, someone you would never invite back in.
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But those parts are not a previous tenant.
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Those parts are you, aspects of you.
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They have always been you.
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And as long as you keep them at arm's length, treating them as an aberration, an enemy, a stain, they will continue to operate in the basement of your life without your awareness.
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Shadow work, by the way, if you haven't listened to my podcast on shadow work, please do.
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They will surface in moments of stress.
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They will whisper in moments of loneliness.
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They will find ways to be heard, one way or the other.
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The way home is not to keep pushing.
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The way home is acceptar.
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Acceptar is that root word of acceptance, to take them toward you, to bring them close, to love them anyway, unconditionally.
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This does not mean celebrating what happened.
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It does not mean approving what you did.
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It does not mean rewriting the harm into something it wasn't.
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It means standing in front of the mirror and including everyone when you look in there.
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And loving yourself anyway.
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The man who hurt people, he is you, love him anyway.
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The man who lied, he is you, love him anyway.
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The man who chose the pipe over his family, he is you, love him anyway.
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The man who did things in those rooms that he still cannot name out loud, he is you.
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Love him anyway.
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The man who, in spite of all the work, still sometimes feels the pull on a Friday night.
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He is you.
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Love him anyway.
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The man who enjoyed it, this is often the hardest one.
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The man who in the middle of all the destruction had moments of pleasure, connection, ecstasy, and belonging that were real.
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He is you.
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Love him anyway.
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Loving these parts does not mean letting them drive.
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It means letting them sit in the room with you.
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It means stopping the war you have been waging against yourself in the name of recovery.
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It works against yourself.
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Men who skip this part of acceptance build recoveries that look beautiful on the outside, but remain brittle on the inside.
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You know these people.
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They've done all the right things, they have processed denial, they have moved through anger, they've closed the door on bargaining, they've sat in depression, they look, they have arrived at what looks like acceptance.
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But underneath, they are still at war with the man they were.
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They hate him.
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They have not pulled him toward them.
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They have only pushed him further away.
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This is why some men, years in recovery, suddenly relapse with no apparent trigger.
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Because those exiled parts of them, you probably heard this in IFS, internal family systems, the ones they refuse to love eventually demand to be heard.
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And the only voice those parts know how to use is the voice of using.
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If you love them now, while you are chem sex-free, while you have the tools, while you have the support, they do not need to scream later.
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They can sit with you, they can be a part of you, they can be integrated into the man you are becoming instead of haunting him.
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He informs him.
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They inform him.
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The man you were in that scene is not your enemy.
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Tina is not your enemy.
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He was a man in pain who found a temporary solution that became imprisoned.
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He is not someone to defeat, he is not someone to pull toward you, to take into your arms to love until he no longer needs to fight your attention.
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That is what acceptar actually asks.
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That is the practice of taking yourself, all of yourself, toward yourself.
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That is acceptance.
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Okay, so how did this show up?
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How did it show up for me?
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I don't have a single dramatic story for this stage, right?
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This is what kind of makes it a little bit harder to talk about, but the other stages had tangible thresholds, right?
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Eviction, jail, uh, the moment I knew I was being arrested, you know, the moment I sat in the cell and the weight of everything finally landed.
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Acceptance was different, though.
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Acceptance happened in little pieces.
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It happened in the mornings when I woke up and I realized, hey, I have not thought about Tina in three days.
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Not because I had been working hard at not thinking about it, but because my mind had quietly turned its attention to other things.
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Books I wanted to read, a workout I was looking forward to, a friend I was excited to see.
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It happened in the afternoon.
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I drove past the place where I used to use and felt the flicker of recognition, but without the flicker of the pool.
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That place was just a place.
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The version of me who had been there was not me anymore.
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I didn't hate him anymore.
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It happened in the evening when I was alone in my apartment, and the loneliness came.
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The way it always comes for men in this work, and I noticed that the loneliness was not asking me to use.
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The loneliness was just asking to be witnessed, to be sat with.
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So I made tea, wrote in my journal, and I went to bed.
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And in the morning, I was still here.
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It happened in the conversations with my mother where I heard her voice and registered with something close to like a wonder.
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Wow.
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I was the man she had been praying for.
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I was her son again.
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I had become him.
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The man she had hoped existed underneath all that chaos was actually here in this body on this phone call, telling her I loved her without performance, without anger.
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Those were not dramatic moments.
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They were very small, but they begin to accumulate.
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That is what acceptance looks like.
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It's not a single dramatic ending.
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It's not a it's not running across the finish line.
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It's not a thousand, it's a thousand small affirmations of new life.
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Each one quietly proving that that old self is gone and the new self is real.
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So in the opening of these this series, I introduced you to the 2.0 version of yourself, the man you are becoming, the man on the other side of this grief.
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Acceptance is the stage where you stop talking about him and you start being him.
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This is the work of the rest of your life.
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And it begins with a very clear picture.
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Who is the 2.0 version of you?
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Who is the highest and best version?
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How does he wake up in the morning?
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What does he reach for?
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Does he reach for his phone or does he sit with his coffee?
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Does he scroll or does he stretch?
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Does he check the apps that used to feed his hunger?
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Or has he deleted them and felt the freedom?
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Having no notifications waiting.
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How does he move through his day?
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Does he take his time?
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Does he eat real food?
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Does he take his time chewing?
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Does he look at the men around him without immediately calculating whether they want him or whether he wants them?
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Does he move his body?
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Does he work with focus instead of frenzy?
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Does he keep his word?
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How does he spend his evenings?
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Does he have a practice for those hours?
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Does he have a routine?
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Does he read?
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Does he cook?
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Does he call someone he loves?
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Does he go to bed when he's tired instead of staying up trying to find some feeling that the night used to provide him?
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How does he handle the longing?
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Because the longing comes back.
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Even after years it comes back.
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He does not pretend it does not exist.
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He does not panic when it shows up.
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He acknowledges it.
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He observes it.
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He asks it what it wants.
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He gives it what it actually needs, which is almost never the substance, but almost always some form of connection, presence, or rest.
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How does he handle the loneliness?
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Because the loneliness is the most consistent companion of the man in this stage.
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You're starting over here.
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He's got the tools for it.
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He calls a friend, he goes to a meeting, or he goes to a group, he writes, he walks, he lets himself feel it without it becoming a big crisis.
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He has learned that loneliness is not a sign that something is wrong.
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It's just a feeling.
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Feelings are fleeting.
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Feeling is healing.
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He can be with it.
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How does he handle rejection?
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Because this new life is not going to be free of rejection.
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The men he wants will not always want him back.
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The opportunities he reaches for will not always open.
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The vision he has for his life will not always materialize on his timeline.
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He has developed the capacity to be disappointed without disappearing.
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To grieve a small loss without using it as evidence that he should give up.
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How does he handle joy?
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The ChemSec life had its own version of joy, right?
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And the new version is going to ask you to develop a different one, a slower one, a more sustainable one, a natural one.
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The 2.0 version of you can sit in a moment of joy without needing it to escalate, without needing it to document it, to share it, or protect it.
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He can let it be what it is and then let it pass.
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Because he knows more joy is coming.
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This man is not a fantasy.
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He is real.
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Acceptance is not forgiving the people who hurt you.
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Acceptance is not absolving anyone of anything.
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Forgiveness may come in its own time, through its own work, or it may not.
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You may forgive some people and you may not forgive others.
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You may forgive yourself for some things and not for other things.
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What acceptance asks of you is to let go of past stories and change the narrative so it doesn't define you anymore.
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Who you are today, or even in this very second, doesn't have to be a reflection of your past.
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It can reflect the future through the vision of who you're becoming.
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You've accepted the challenge.
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Acceptance is taking steps forward toward your best and highest potential until you look nothing like the man you were.
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You do not have to be okay with any of it.
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You do not have to bless it.
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You don't have to find the silver lining or the spiritual lesson or the redemptive frame.
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You just stop being that man.
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Period.
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Stop dragging your past into the present because it won't let you move forward.
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How did you show up while you're in active use?
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I'll bet you were inconsistent, volatile, emotions were volatile, unresponsive to texts and calls, unreliable, chasing, instant gratification.
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Now, how can you show up in recovery?
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How can you show up as the best and highest version of you, somebody who doesn't use?
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Simple answer is to do the complete opposite of all those behaviors.
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Acceptance is not the end of grief either.
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I need to say this because the structure of the five stages can make it sound like acceptance closes the book.
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And you're going to say, When is my grieving over?
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But it doesn't.
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Grief comes back in waves.
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It comes back on anniversaries.
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It comes back when you smell a particular cologne or scent.
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It comes back when a song plays in a coffee shop that you just listen to when you're high.
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It comes back when you see a man on the street, he reminds you of someone you knew before.
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It comes back in the slow afternoons, in quiet evenings, and moments when your guard is down, you're lying down for a nap.
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Acceptance does not mean the grief is over.
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Acceptance is when the past has lost its meaning.
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You don't panic anymore.
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You do not interrupt the return of grief as evidence that you have not done the work.
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You do not assume that because you are feeling this way that something is wrong with your recovery, you're not catastrophizing anymore.
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You are someone new.
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That is a past life.
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You may grieve it, it may come, but it's not an emergency.
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You let the grief have its visit, you acknowledge it, you sit with it for as long as it needs to be there.
00:19:58.480 --> 00:20:08.079
You let yourself remember, feel, cry if crying comes, and then when the visit's complete, you return to your life.
00:20:08.400 --> 00:20:09.359
No problem.
00:20:10.160 --> 00:20:14.960
This is the end of the series, but it is not the end of the work.
00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:20.720
The five stages of grief are not a road that you're going to walk one time.
00:20:21.039 --> 00:20:27.599
It's a spiral that you keep returning to at different elevations throughout your recovery journey.
00:20:28.799 --> 00:20:32.720
You will hit denial again in some new form, about some new layer.
00:20:33.359 --> 00:20:49.920
You will move through anger again, you will catch yourself bargaining, you will sit with depression, you will return back to acceptance over and over until you are a best and highest potential of yourself.
00:20:51.200 --> 00:20:54.960
But each time you go through this spiral, you go through it faster.
00:20:55.599 --> 00:21:00.319
Each time you go through it with more skill, more learning, more maturity.
00:21:01.359 --> 00:21:06.240
And each time you come out a little more whole.
00:21:07.680 --> 00:21:09.839
That is what this work all is.
00:21:10.480 --> 00:21:22.559
It's not a one-time graduation, it's a practice, a discipline, a way of being a man in the world who has lived what you have lived and is still standing.
00:21:23.359 --> 00:21:24.960
You are doing it.
00:21:25.200 --> 00:21:33.119
You're not behind, you're not too late, you're not too damaged, you are right on time for the life you're growing into.
00:21:34.160 --> 00:21:36.880
Grieving is real, the losses are real.
00:21:37.039 --> 00:21:40.319
The man you were really has died.
00:21:41.519 --> 00:21:45.200
Now, you get to pull that part of you.
00:21:45.759 --> 00:21:46.240
Him.
00:21:46.559 --> 00:21:52.160
You get to pull him close, embrace him, and you drop the shame of the past.
00:21:52.480 --> 00:21:54.000
Not angry at him anymore.
00:21:54.720 --> 00:21:56.240
Not ashamed of anymore.
00:21:57.759 --> 00:21:58.640
He's gone.
00:21:59.839 --> 00:22:01.279
In memorial, right?
00:22:01.680 --> 00:22:05.519
Pulling these parts close to you, that's integration.
00:22:07.519 --> 00:22:14.799
But that is when you're going to feel whole when you accept it all as part of you.
00:22:16.079 --> 00:22:17.440
So I want you to keep going.
00:22:18.480 --> 00:22:23.519
The man that you are becoming is worth every second.
00:22:25.440 --> 00:22:26.400
Hope this helps.
00:22:26.559 --> 00:22:28.720
I hope that you will join me in the conversation.
00:22:28.960 --> 00:22:30.640
You can comment on Spotify.
00:22:30.799 --> 00:22:32.240
You can comment on YouTube.
00:22:32.559 --> 00:22:34.400
You can DM me on social media.
00:22:34.480 --> 00:22:36.400
I'm everywhere at all times.
00:22:36.960 --> 00:22:37.759
Love you guys.
00:22:37.920 --> 00:22:39.519
Talk to you next week!
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:01.360
Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.119
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.559 --> 00:00:28.160
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:28.719 --> 00:00:32.640
Alright, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and the solo episode.
00:00:32.799 --> 00:00:36.000
Don't forget there's a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
00:00:36.079 --> 00:00:38.320
The link is in the show notes, as usual.
00:00:38.560 --> 00:00:46.399
Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it.
00:00:46.640 --> 00:00:47.280
All right.
00:00:47.679 --> 00:00:49.840
So you've been following this series.
00:00:49.920 --> 00:00:55.439
We've been comparing the five stages of grief to the journey of chemsex recovery.
00:00:55.679 --> 00:01:02.159
And again, I'm going to remind you this process outlined here is the world according to Dallas.
00:01:02.399 --> 00:01:05.840
There is no official peer-reviewed studies to back this up.
00:01:05.920 --> 00:01:12.000
There's nothing out there scientific that will tell you that there is actual five stages of grief.
00:01:12.159 --> 00:01:17.200
This is what I've observed, and this is a comparison that I think helps quite a bit.
00:01:17.359 --> 00:01:37.519
So if you've been following and you see yourself in any of the examples, in any of the stages, my work here is done because my intent is not to offer a prescribed set of stages for you to follow, but to help facilitate articulating how you might be feeling and to offer some direction on that.
00:01:37.680 --> 00:01:39.760
So my intentions are very pure here.
00:01:39.840 --> 00:01:40.879
I want to ensure you.
00:01:41.120 --> 00:01:43.040
So we assure you.
00:01:43.200 --> 00:01:44.319
Did I say insure you?
00:01:44.400 --> 00:01:45.359
I don't want to insure you.
00:01:45.439 --> 00:01:46.719
I want to assure you.
00:01:46.959 --> 00:01:50.159
We have walked through the whole road together here, right?
00:01:50.319 --> 00:01:52.799
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression.
00:01:52.959 --> 00:02:10.319
The four stages that I propose each man in chemsex recovery has to move through in his own time, in his own order, sometimes circling back, sometimes camping out, but always moving toward their healing.
00:02:10.479 --> 00:02:13.919
And now we're at the last one: acceptance.
00:02:14.080 --> 00:02:21.120
If you don't go any further in listening to this podcast, I want you to really observe that, absorb this.
00:02:21.599 --> 00:02:28.479
Acceptance is not a destination, it's a state of being.
00:02:28.800 --> 00:02:30.159
It's an action.
00:02:30.879 --> 00:02:33.840
Acceptance is a daily orientation.
00:02:34.479 --> 00:02:42.080
It is the practice of inhabiting your new life instead of mourning the old one.
00:02:42.319 --> 00:02:46.800
It's taking your one foot out of the old life and putting both foot in the new, right?
00:02:46.960 --> 00:02:47.919
It's that moment.
00:02:48.319 --> 00:02:55.520
It's repeated thousands of times when you stop fighting and you surrender to what is.
00:02:55.680 --> 00:03:02.879
So, all right, so let's go through this very carefully so that you can understand what acceptance is.
00:03:03.120 --> 00:03:09.840
So, the root of the word, the Latin origins of the word acceptance.
00:03:10.159 --> 00:03:16.639
It means to bring something close to oneself, to hold it close.
00:03:16.960 --> 00:03:18.560
So I'm not going to break it down for you.
00:03:18.639 --> 00:03:24.240
You can Google it if you want to see all the iterations of the word to get the full picture.
00:03:24.400 --> 00:03:27.840
But so acceptance is an action word.
00:03:28.719 --> 00:03:39.919
It is the deliberate act of taking something toward yourself, of opening up your arms and pulling something in that you might have otherwise pushed away.
00:03:40.240 --> 00:03:45.759
Literally, acceptance means to do this again and again and again.
00:03:45.919 --> 00:03:48.080
It is not a one-time motion.
00:03:48.560 --> 00:03:50.400
It is a practice.
00:03:50.639 --> 00:03:55.280
Acceptance is a practice, a discipline, a way of living.
00:03:56.000 --> 00:04:05.599
Acceptance is the practice of taking toward yourself the parts of yourself that you've been pushing away, the parts you've been rejecting.
00:04:05.759 --> 00:04:11.840
So there's a part of you who you've you've been grieving, right, through this whole process.
00:04:12.400 --> 00:04:14.639
That part of you has died.
00:04:15.360 --> 00:04:24.079
You distance yourself from him, the things he said, the things he did, things he was aroused by why under the influence.
00:04:24.720 --> 00:04:29.680
But acceptance, in its root meaning, asks something different of you now.
00:04:30.959 --> 00:04:35.439
Acceptance asks you to take him back.
00:04:36.399 --> 00:04:47.279
Not to become him again, not to invite him back into the driver's seat, not to let him run to show the show, but to love him.
00:04:49.360 --> 00:05:05.120
The part of you that lied, the part of you that enjoyed it, the part of you that hurt people, the part of you that wanted to use, part of you that even now sometimes misses it.
00:05:05.360 --> 00:05:16.800
The part of you that picked up the pipe for the first time, part of you that kept picking it up after you knew what it was doing, the part of you that did things in those rooms that you have never told anyone.
00:05:17.199 --> 00:05:27.680
All of those parts, you bring them back, you hold them close, you love them anyway that was still you, and there's nothing bad about them.
00:05:27.839 --> 00:05:41.680
You have been rejecting them, you have been pushing them away, you have been treating them like a previous tenant who trashed the apartment, somebody you're glad to get rid of, someone you would never invite back in.
00:05:41.839 --> 00:05:46.399
But those parts are not a previous tenant.
00:05:47.199 --> 00:05:51.279
Those parts are you, aspects of you.
00:05:51.839 --> 00:05:53.839
They have always been you.
00:05:54.240 --> 00:06:07.600
And as long as you keep them at arm's length, treating them as an aberration, an enemy, a stain, they will continue to operate in the basement of your life without your awareness.
00:06:08.560 --> 00:06:14.480
Shadow work, by the way, if you haven't listened to my podcast on shadow work, please do.
00:06:15.279 --> 00:06:17.680
They will surface in moments of stress.
00:06:17.839 --> 00:06:20.399
They will whisper in moments of loneliness.
00:06:20.639 --> 00:06:23.759
They will find ways to be heard, one way or the other.
00:06:24.000 --> 00:06:28.000
The way home is not to keep pushing.
00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:31.360
The way home is acceptar.
00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:42.399
Acceptar is that root word of acceptance, to take them toward you, to bring them close, to love them anyway, unconditionally.
00:06:42.720 --> 00:06:46.720
This does not mean celebrating what happened.
00:06:46.879 --> 00:06:49.040
It does not mean approving what you did.
00:06:49.279 --> 00:06:52.720
It does not mean rewriting the harm into something it wasn't.
00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:59.120
It means standing in front of the mirror and including everyone when you look in there.
00:06:59.360 --> 00:07:01.439
And loving yourself anyway.
00:07:01.759 --> 00:07:06.480
The man who hurt people, he is you, love him anyway.
00:07:06.639 --> 00:07:09.920
The man who lied, he is you, love him anyway.
00:07:10.160 --> 00:07:15.199
The man who chose the pipe over his family, he is you, love him anyway.
00:07:15.600 --> 00:07:20.399
The man who did things in those rooms that he still cannot name out loud, he is you.
00:07:20.959 --> 00:07:22.639
Love him anyway.
00:07:23.040 --> 00:07:29.040
The man who, in spite of all the work, still sometimes feels the pull on a Friday night.
00:07:29.360 --> 00:07:30.160
He is you.
00:07:30.480 --> 00:07:31.759
Love him anyway.
00:07:32.160 --> 00:07:34.959
The man who enjoyed it, this is often the hardest one.
00:07:35.120 --> 00:07:42.959
The man who in the middle of all the destruction had moments of pleasure, connection, ecstasy, and belonging that were real.
00:07:43.279 --> 00:07:44.160
He is you.
00:07:44.800 --> 00:07:46.160
Love him anyway.
00:07:46.800 --> 00:07:51.040
Loving these parts does not mean letting them drive.
00:07:51.279 --> 00:07:54.160
It means letting them sit in the room with you.
00:07:54.399 --> 00:08:02.000
It means stopping the war you have been waging against yourself in the name of recovery.
00:08:02.639 --> 00:08:04.240
It works against yourself.
00:08:04.480 --> 00:08:12.160
Men who skip this part of acceptance build recoveries that look beautiful on the outside, but remain brittle on the inside.
00:08:12.319 --> 00:08:13.360
You know these people.
00:08:13.600 --> 00:08:26.720
They've done all the right things, they have processed denial, they have moved through anger, they've closed the door on bargaining, they've sat in depression, they look, they have arrived at what looks like acceptance.
00:08:27.199 --> 00:08:32.879
But underneath, they are still at war with the man they were.
00:08:33.279 --> 00:08:34.480
They hate him.
00:08:34.720 --> 00:08:37.840
They have not pulled him toward them.
00:08:38.559 --> 00:08:41.919
They have only pushed him further away.
00:08:42.240 --> 00:08:48.480
This is why some men, years in recovery, suddenly relapse with no apparent trigger.
00:08:48.720 --> 00:08:59.200
Because those exiled parts of them, you probably heard this in IFS, internal family systems, the ones they refuse to love eventually demand to be heard.
00:09:00.240 --> 00:09:05.200
And the only voice those parts know how to use is the voice of using.
00:09:06.159 --> 00:09:17.039
If you love them now, while you are chem sex-free, while you have the tools, while you have the support, they do not need to scream later.
00:09:17.440 --> 00:09:29.279
They can sit with you, they can be a part of you, they can be integrated into the man you are becoming instead of haunting him.
00:09:30.559 --> 00:09:32.000
He informs him.
00:09:32.159 --> 00:09:33.200
They inform him.
00:09:33.440 --> 00:09:37.200
The man you were in that scene is not your enemy.
00:09:37.440 --> 00:09:39.360
Tina is not your enemy.
00:09:39.919 --> 00:09:45.679
He was a man in pain who found a temporary solution that became imprisoned.
00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:54.480
He is not someone to defeat, he is not someone to pull toward you, to take into your arms to love until he no longer needs to fight your attention.
00:09:56.879 --> 00:10:00.559
That is what acceptar actually asks.
00:10:01.600 --> 00:10:08.480
That is the practice of taking yourself, all of yourself, toward yourself.
00:10:10.000 --> 00:10:11.840
That is acceptance.
00:10:12.960 --> 00:10:14.960
Okay, so how did this show up?
00:10:15.440 --> 00:10:17.120
How did it show up for me?
00:10:18.480 --> 00:10:21.919
I don't have a single dramatic story for this stage, right?
00:10:22.080 --> 00:10:30.159
This is what kind of makes it a little bit harder to talk about, but the other stages had tangible thresholds, right?
00:10:30.320 --> 00:10:37.600
Eviction, jail, uh, the moment I knew I was being arrested, you know, the moment I sat in the cell and the weight of everything finally landed.
00:10:37.759 --> 00:10:40.080
Acceptance was different, though.
00:10:40.399 --> 00:10:42.799
Acceptance happened in little pieces.
00:10:43.679 --> 00:10:51.039
It happened in the mornings when I woke up and I realized, hey, I have not thought about Tina in three days.
00:10:51.360 --> 00:10:58.480
Not because I had been working hard at not thinking about it, but because my mind had quietly turned its attention to other things.
00:10:58.720 --> 00:11:05.200
Books I wanted to read, a workout I was looking forward to, a friend I was excited to see.
00:11:05.440 --> 00:11:06.799
It happened in the afternoon.
00:11:06.879 --> 00:11:14.159
I drove past the place where I used to use and felt the flicker of recognition, but without the flicker of the pool.
00:11:14.559 --> 00:11:16.320
That place was just a place.
00:11:17.120 --> 00:11:21.039
The version of me who had been there was not me anymore.
00:11:21.279 --> 00:11:23.519
I didn't hate him anymore.
00:11:25.919 --> 00:11:31.679
It happened in the evening when I was alone in my apartment, and the loneliness came.
00:11:32.080 --> 00:11:37.120
The way it always comes for men in this work, and I noticed that the loneliness was not asking me to use.
00:11:37.679 --> 00:11:41.919
The loneliness was just asking to be witnessed, to be sat with.
00:11:42.639 --> 00:11:47.519
So I made tea, wrote in my journal, and I went to bed.
00:11:49.120 --> 00:11:51.759
And in the morning, I was still here.
00:11:52.399 --> 00:12:00.000
It happened in the conversations with my mother where I heard her voice and registered with something close to like a wonder.
00:12:00.320 --> 00:12:00.960
Wow.
00:12:01.360 --> 00:12:04.159
I was the man she had been praying for.
00:12:04.320 --> 00:12:05.519
I was her son again.
00:12:05.679 --> 00:12:06.639
I had become him.
00:12:06.799 --> 00:12:18.399
The man she had hoped existed underneath all that chaos was actually here in this body on this phone call, telling her I loved her without performance, without anger.
00:12:20.559 --> 00:12:23.120
Those were not dramatic moments.
00:12:23.360 --> 00:12:27.600
They were very small, but they begin to accumulate.
00:12:27.919 --> 00:12:30.320
That is what acceptance looks like.
00:12:30.799 --> 00:12:33.039
It's not a single dramatic ending.
00:12:33.679 --> 00:12:36.720
It's not a it's not running across the finish line.
00:12:36.799 --> 00:12:41.279
It's not a thousand, it's a thousand small affirmations of new life.
00:12:42.480 --> 00:12:50.240
Each one quietly proving that that old self is gone and the new self is real.
00:12:50.879 --> 00:13:01.360
So in the opening of these this series, I introduced you to the 2.0 version of yourself, the man you are becoming, the man on the other side of this grief.
00:13:01.679 --> 00:13:07.919
Acceptance is the stage where you stop talking about him and you start being him.
00:13:08.799 --> 00:13:12.080
This is the work of the rest of your life.
00:13:12.320 --> 00:13:14.480
And it begins with a very clear picture.
00:13:14.639 --> 00:13:17.039
Who is the 2.0 version of you?
00:13:17.200 --> 00:13:19.360
Who is the highest and best version?
00:13:19.519 --> 00:13:21.120
How does he wake up in the morning?
00:13:21.279 --> 00:13:22.240
What does he reach for?
00:13:22.399 --> 00:13:25.279
Does he reach for his phone or does he sit with his coffee?
00:13:25.519 --> 00:13:27.279
Does he scroll or does he stretch?
00:13:27.440 --> 00:13:30.000
Does he check the apps that used to feed his hunger?
00:13:30.240 --> 00:13:32.559
Or has he deleted them and felt the freedom?
00:13:33.039 --> 00:13:35.200
Having no notifications waiting.
00:13:35.440 --> 00:13:36.879
How does he move through his day?
00:13:37.039 --> 00:13:38.320
Does he take his time?
00:13:38.559 --> 00:13:39.919
Does he eat real food?
00:13:40.080 --> 00:13:41.360
Does he take his time chewing?
00:13:41.440 --> 00:13:46.879
Does he look at the men around him without immediately calculating whether they want him or whether he wants them?
00:13:47.120 --> 00:13:48.639
Does he move his body?
00:13:48.879 --> 00:13:52.480
Does he work with focus instead of frenzy?
00:13:52.799 --> 00:13:54.720
Does he keep his word?
00:13:55.519 --> 00:13:57.279
How does he spend his evenings?
00:13:57.679 --> 00:13:59.759
Does he have a practice for those hours?
00:13:59.919 --> 00:14:00.799
Does he have a routine?
00:14:00.879 --> 00:14:01.519
Does he read?
00:14:01.600 --> 00:14:02.080
Does he cook?
00:14:02.159 --> 00:14:03.360
Does he call someone he loves?
00:14:03.519 --> 00:14:10.639
Does he go to bed when he's tired instead of staying up trying to find some feeling that the night used to provide him?
00:14:12.080 --> 00:14:14.159
How does he handle the longing?
00:14:14.399 --> 00:14:16.480
Because the longing comes back.
00:14:16.879 --> 00:14:18.960
Even after years it comes back.
00:14:19.200 --> 00:14:21.519
He does not pretend it does not exist.
00:14:21.919 --> 00:14:23.919
He does not panic when it shows up.
00:14:24.159 --> 00:14:25.759
He acknowledges it.
00:14:26.799 --> 00:14:28.320
He observes it.
00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:30.399
He asks it what it wants.
00:14:30.639 --> 00:14:41.919
He gives it what it actually needs, which is almost never the substance, but almost always some form of connection, presence, or rest.
00:14:42.480 --> 00:14:44.399
How does he handle the loneliness?
00:14:44.799 --> 00:14:48.720
Because the loneliness is the most consistent companion of the man in this stage.
00:14:50.720 --> 00:14:52.159
You're starting over here.
00:14:52.879 --> 00:14:54.320
He's got the tools for it.
00:14:54.480 --> 00:15:02.960
He calls a friend, he goes to a meeting, or he goes to a group, he writes, he walks, he lets himself feel it without it becoming a big crisis.
00:15:03.360 --> 00:15:07.120
He has learned that loneliness is not a sign that something is wrong.
00:15:07.360 --> 00:15:09.039
It's just a feeling.
00:15:09.840 --> 00:15:11.759
Feelings are fleeting.
00:15:12.480 --> 00:15:14.000
Feeling is healing.
00:15:14.320 --> 00:15:15.519
He can be with it.
00:15:15.679 --> 00:15:17.600
How does he handle rejection?
00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:21.279
Because this new life is not going to be free of rejection.
00:15:21.440 --> 00:15:23.519
The men he wants will not always want him back.
00:15:23.679 --> 00:15:26.080
The opportunities he reaches for will not always open.
00:15:26.240 --> 00:15:29.759
The vision he has for his life will not always materialize on his timeline.
00:15:29.919 --> 00:15:36.799
He has developed the capacity to be disappointed without disappearing.
00:15:37.039 --> 00:15:41.919
To grieve a small loss without using it as evidence that he should give up.
00:15:42.159 --> 00:15:44.000
How does he handle joy?
00:15:44.480 --> 00:15:47.279
The ChemSec life had its own version of joy, right?
00:15:47.440 --> 00:15:54.320
And the new version is going to ask you to develop a different one, a slower one, a more sustainable one, a natural one.
00:15:54.480 --> 00:16:02.799
The 2.0 version of you can sit in a moment of joy without needing it to escalate, without needing it to document it, to share it, or protect it.
00:16:02.960 --> 00:16:07.840
He can let it be what it is and then let it pass.
00:16:09.279 --> 00:16:13.039
Because he knows more joy is coming.
00:16:14.159 --> 00:16:16.399
This man is not a fantasy.
00:16:16.799 --> 00:16:17.759
He is real.
00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:44.480
Acceptance is not forgiving the people who hurt you.
00:16:44.639 --> 00:16:47.440
Acceptance is not absolving anyone of anything.
00:16:47.759 --> 00:16:52.240
Forgiveness may come in its own time, through its own work, or it may not.
00:16:52.559 --> 00:16:55.120
You may forgive some people and you may not forgive others.
00:16:55.279 --> 00:16:57.919
You may forgive yourself for some things and not for other things.
00:16:58.159 --> 00:17:10.079
What acceptance asks of you is to let go of past stories and change the narrative so it doesn't define you anymore.
00:17:10.400 --> 00:17:16.880
Who you are today, or even in this very second, doesn't have to be a reflection of your past.
00:17:17.039 --> 00:17:21.680
It can reflect the future through the vision of who you're becoming.
00:17:21.839 --> 00:17:24.400
You've accepted the challenge.
00:17:24.559 --> 00:17:33.599
Acceptance is taking steps forward toward your best and highest potential until you look nothing like the man you were.
00:17:33.920 --> 00:17:36.240
You do not have to be okay with any of it.
00:17:36.319 --> 00:17:37.680
You do not have to bless it.
00:17:37.839 --> 00:17:42.160
You don't have to find the silver lining or the spiritual lesson or the redemptive frame.
00:17:42.240 --> 00:17:45.119
You just stop being that man.
00:17:46.079 --> 00:17:47.039
Period.
00:17:48.079 --> 00:17:55.440
Stop dragging your past into the present because it won't let you move forward.
00:17:56.720 --> 00:17:59.759
How did you show up while you're in active use?
00:18:00.079 --> 00:18:10.400
I'll bet you were inconsistent, volatile, emotions were volatile, unresponsive to texts and calls, unreliable, chasing, instant gratification.
00:18:10.640 --> 00:18:14.079
Now, how can you show up in recovery?
00:18:14.319 --> 00:18:18.880
How can you show up as the best and highest version of you, somebody who doesn't use?
00:18:19.440 --> 00:18:23.680
Simple answer is to do the complete opposite of all those behaviors.
00:18:28.160 --> 00:18:33.039
Acceptance is not the end of grief either.
00:18:33.359 --> 00:18:40.400
I need to say this because the structure of the five stages can make it sound like acceptance closes the book.
00:18:40.640 --> 00:18:43.039
And you're going to say, When is my grieving over?
00:18:43.200 --> 00:18:44.160
But it doesn't.
00:18:44.400 --> 00:18:46.559
Grief comes back in waves.
00:18:46.880 --> 00:18:48.960
It comes back on anniversaries.
00:18:49.119 --> 00:18:52.880
It comes back when you smell a particular cologne or scent.
00:18:53.039 --> 00:18:57.039
It comes back when a song plays in a coffee shop that you just listen to when you're high.
00:18:57.119 --> 00:19:01.599
It comes back when you see a man on the street, he reminds you of someone you knew before.
00:19:02.799 --> 00:19:13.200
It comes back in the slow afternoons, in quiet evenings, and moments when your guard is down, you're lying down for a nap.
00:19:13.680 --> 00:19:16.640
Acceptance does not mean the grief is over.
00:19:17.119 --> 00:19:21.920
Acceptance is when the past has lost its meaning.
00:19:25.119 --> 00:19:26.880
You don't panic anymore.
00:19:27.039 --> 00:19:32.240
You do not interrupt the return of grief as evidence that you have not done the work.
00:19:32.799 --> 00:19:40.160
You do not assume that because you are feeling this way that something is wrong with your recovery, you're not catastrophizing anymore.
00:19:40.480 --> 00:19:42.720
You are someone new.
00:19:42.880 --> 00:19:45.440
That is a past life.
00:19:45.920 --> 00:19:50.799
You may grieve it, it may come, but it's not an emergency.
00:19:51.200 --> 00:19:58.240
You let the grief have its visit, you acknowledge it, you sit with it for as long as it needs to be there.
00:19:58.480 --> 00:20:08.079
You let yourself remember, feel, cry if crying comes, and then when the visit's complete, you return to your life.
00:20:08.400 --> 00:20:09.359
No problem.
00:20:10.160 --> 00:20:14.960
This is the end of the series, but it is not the end of the work.
00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:20.720
The five stages of grief are not a road that you're going to walk one time.
00:20:21.039 --> 00:20:27.599
It's a spiral that you keep returning to at different elevations throughout your recovery journey.
00:20:28.799 --> 00:20:32.720
You will hit denial again in some new form, about some new layer.
00:20:33.359 --> 00:20:49.920
You will move through anger again, you will catch yourself bargaining, you will sit with depression, you will return back to acceptance over and over until you are a best and highest potential of yourself.
00:20:51.200 --> 00:20:54.960
But each time you go through this spiral, you go through it faster.
00:20:55.599 --> 00:21:00.319
Each time you go through it with more skill, more learning, more maturity.
00:21:01.359 --> 00:21:06.240
And each time you come out a little more whole.
00:21:07.680 --> 00:21:09.839
That is what this work all is.
00:21:10.480 --> 00:21:22.559
It's not a one-time graduation, it's a practice, a discipline, a way of being a man in the world who has lived what you have lived and is still standing.
00:21:23.359 --> 00:21:24.960
You are doing it.
00:21:25.200 --> 00:21:33.119
You're not behind, you're not too late, you're not too damaged, you are right on time for the life you're growing into.
00:21:34.160 --> 00:21:36.880
Grieving is real, the losses are real.
00:21:37.039 --> 00:21:40.319
The man you were really has died.
00:21:41.519 --> 00:21:45.200
Now, you get to pull that part of you.
00:21:45.759 --> 00:21:46.240
Him.
00:21:46.559 --> 00:21:52.160
You get to pull him close, embrace him, and you drop the shame of the past.
00:21:52.480 --> 00:21:54.000
Not angry at him anymore.
00:21:54.720 --> 00:21:56.240
Not ashamed of anymore.
00:21:57.759 --> 00:21:58.640
He's gone.
00:21:59.839 --> 00:22:01.279
In memorial, right?
00:22:01.680 --> 00:22:05.519
Pulling these parts close to you, that's integration.
00:22:07.519 --> 00:22:14.799
But that is when you're going to feel whole when you accept it all as part of you.
00:22:16.079 --> 00:22:17.440
So I want you to keep going.
00:22:18.480 --> 00:22:23.519
The man that you are becoming is worth every second.
00:22:25.440 --> 00:22:26.400
Hope this helps.
00:22:26.559 --> 00:22:28.720
I hope that you will join me in the conversation.
00:22:28.960 --> 00:22:30.640
You can comment on Spotify.
00:22:30.799 --> 00:22:32.240
You can comment on YouTube.
00:22:32.559 --> 00:22:34.400
You can DM me on social media.
00:22:34.480 --> 00:22:36.400
I'm everywhere at all times.
00:22:36.960 --> 00:22:37.759
Love you guys.
00:22:37.920 --> 00:22:39.519
Talk to you next week!
