Unknown Speaker :
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Welcome to Just Breathe parenting your LGBTQ teen. My name is Heather Hester and I am excited to be with you to transform the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.
So today is part three of our time with Connor and Connor sharing his story with us so graciously. lets you know that whatever is going on with you with your child
You're not alone in this and and it can be really hard at times and confusing.
And it could also be really, really beautiful. It can open up your relationship in ways that you never ever dreamed it would it can open up just your eyes, your mind and opportunities just to see things differently and to be differently in this world. So with that, I will let Connor jump on here and we're going to start with I think we left off last time with him getting ready to leave for NYU last fall and so that's when we're going to jump back in. So Connor thanks course I'm
leaving for NYU was think it was a whole it was there was a lot of emotions there at that time. don't recall where we had kind of cut off. So I'll maybe repeat some but, um, you know, it's remember it being very like, it was, you know, the summer was kind of chaotic and like, it was a struggle. But then like, then came August and I was like, Oh my god, like I'm actually going to school soon, like, I've got to be in New York by myself. And to say I wasn't ready was an understatement. But we we were I was insistent like I was not going to not go as I kind of saw that as like my salvation, like go in New York, everything was gonna be fine. all my problems are going to be solved. I was going to be a perfect student there was gonna be no issues right away again. Needless to say, that was not the case. But I think everyone was kind of maybe a little naive, really putting a lot of weight on like, we're doing this. It's gonna be okay. We're gonna manage, you know, like it's, it'll be okay. At this point, though, I was still very much in Pretty heavy use and struggling with that. And there really wasn't a ton of trust between me and my parents. And yeah, I would say it was pretty. It was it was a pretty chaotic time.
I think that's very, very accurate. And I think that your, your observation of how we all approached it is, is spot on. I think we so wanted you to have this experience to have this and, and New York, we knew in so many ways, and NYU and so anyways was the perfect place for you. The question was, you know, would you be able to handle all of the, you know, outside forces coming at you and available to you. And so, yes, we were naive, but I think that it's probably a good thing that we were Because we all just jumped in and and you know, at that point we'd kind of, we'd weathered some some stuff, some storms, right? And so we knew that, okay, well, whatever comes our way we will, we could do this, we can do this and sent him off and, you know, really tried to just say, Okay, this is, you know, the first semester of college is tough. It's gonna be very tough. You know, we knew that. You know, there's a lot of really good things that come out of persevering through whatever comes at you, as you know, in your first semester, first year of college, no matter where you are. So anyway, so I'll let you I'll let you continue, but I just had to
all they're all very true. But yeah, I think the term trial by fire, it's an excellent, but it's a good way to describe my situation when I got there. I mean, I remember I had For this program, it was like this service program. I think it was like 100 kids from the freshman class like came like a week early. It did like a whole service project. And I had originally applied because it just meant I would get to move in a week earlier. But it turned out to be an amazing experience. And like, I remember it, like that still stands out is probably one of the like, my first semester, it was definitely my best experience, you know, met a couple of my, like, closest friends at NYU, from that first week. And it was just like, it was a very cool experience and like, a kind of it sent me off at you know, it's my first week in New York. This is my experience and it was just like a week of just like really empowering really positive things. So I was kind of there it was like, okay, you know, I think I got this like this. This seems all right. You know, I've met some really cool people so far. learned a lot and you know, it's going okay, I think was probably that was the first week I think by about the second maybe third week, I was back to, you know, a got back on the apps got back on, you know, everywhere, kind of broke my promise to myself pretty quick and was you know, using and bringing all those behaviors with me to New York and this time it was kind of I had I was in full control of full autonomy to do whatever I want and that I did.
And I and I'd like to add to that from as his mother, you know, Connor once again is is masterful because I he is his dad and I both you talk to us, you know, every week we would talk sometimes, you know, more than once text and you know, glowing reports talk about his classes. He had a No very interesting roommate and, and just all these experiences of things he was doing and, and you know, I'm doing great and we're like oh, okay, this is good like Connors transitioning just fine. And, and, and he's, you know, he's been through a lot so far and in his young life and, and that's probably helped him with the transition not being as difficult perhaps as you know, friends of mine were sharing their kids transitions, and they were difficult and, and I was like, you know, thinking to myself, cutters doing fine and yeah, not so much. And I I think he's gonna probably jump in here on a parent's weekend next year and I'll I'll I'll respond to his thoughts on that.
Yeah, yeah, so I think let's see so parents weekend was, I think it was like the last It was like the weekend of Halloween. So that was like, you know, I guess that was like, that was a good that was at least a solid two months into the semester like more than about halfway and yeah, I mean I was this point I was doing, I had kind of gotten into my routine of going to one class a week, maybe two if I was feeling it in person, I, the only the only I figured out which classes I would get marked absent for and so I would go to those classes, then the rest of the time I would spend sleeping during the day and then you know, doing doing whatever else at night, and so I wasn't doing so hot and I think by the time that you guys got there, it was very clear at least once you guys were To see me and, you know, interact with me in person, it was quite clear that things were not, in fact, going as swimmingly as I had, you know, tried to portray them. But you know, this is, this was Other than that, like, it was a very big turning point, like I remember, you know, sitting in that restaurant the first night, and just being really straightforward about or not, it kind of took Actually, that's not true. I wasn't very straightforward about it, it took some teasing, but it'd be you know, and eventually when the truth came out, just being like very I remember the conversation just being so bizarre to me because I was in the same position that I was, you know, two months ago with my use and with like, my like, and the struggling but the conversation that I was having with my parents and was so it was so bizarre for me because it was like, you know, like you guys had taken on the role that you know, you should very appropriate for the time Like, you know, yes, were your parents. But this isn't like the same parent child relationship they used to before. Like, this is your life. This is like, you know, your decisions and like, you know, basically, you know, giving me the autonomy. But at the same time, you're like, we just want to help. And so I think that was like, it was very nice to hear that like, okay, like, I felt like I was taking on this, taking everything on my own. And like, that was kind of just like, the way that I'd done things forever. Like I would was very, like, see myself is very independent. And so I kind of tried to take on the weight of, you know, being alone in a big city living on my own for the first time living in college, you know, dealing with heavy use issues dealing with like, all of this and it just like it wasn't something that I was able to do. And that was very clear. You know, this was a huge point where it was kind of like it felt like it wasn't necessarily working against you guys are kind of like working to like work around you guys. But now, there was like kind of an element of like we were working together to kind of eventually figure stuff out. So, yeah, I'll let you respond.
No, I love that and you do such a lovely job of being able to reflect. And really, you know, one of one of the gifts of everything you've been through is that you are incredibly self aware. And which allows you to reflect and to be really, I think, as you've gone through different things, you're able to be more and more honest with yourself, and then you know, vastly with us, right? What I recall very clearly from that time, is phone call that we had a day or two before your dad and I came and you did you know we talked and you I won't say you are completely honest, but you were the most honest you had been up to that point. And and we're just very much like, things are not going well. And I don't feel good about where everything is and I'm, I'm a little bit scared. And I feel alone and I feel you know, overwhelmed and I feel you know, all of these feelings that are totally normal and natural for you know, any first year college kid being you know, not just away at college but in a big city. You know, all by yourself, you know, it was just such you were super vulnerable. And so I knew going into seeing you that weekend. Oh so anxious to see you. I mean, I still remember like standing outside of the hotel and waiting for you to walk from your dorm there and like literally running and jumping over that. Your arms like oh my gosh. You I mean, I could just go, I know. And I mean, I was stunned at guys just was written all over your face your body language your she was oh my goodness. So then I was so worried I am super happy that you know, again your dad and I were like okay, we different approach and different time and you know what what's what do we think might work for where we are right now and I'm so glad it did work and that you know there was a pivotal time it was a you know change in the direction, whatever you want to say. Right? So, so we left this was the end of October. And so you had about a month well, month before Thanksgiving and then about three weeks after that until Christmas. So we're gonna talk a little bit about that time.
I mean, there's nothing that like very specifically sticks out from this time it gets more just a general feeling, which is like, you know, after after parents weekend, I guess. I'd like to say I felt like okay, like, things are a little more like in control, which was like, sort of the case like, I guess, really, it was a very, very, very, very, very slow transition and slow change from like, where I was before my parents before. I had parents weekend versus like after. So first, it was still very much the same struggle, and the same kind of emotions and behaviors. However, it was something where I wasn't entirely keeping it to myself, like I felt that I could I could come to my parents to talk about these things. It was hard because everything was still very much not going well, but I guess it was. It was also nice to have, you know, at least it wasn't like I was keeping it all to myself because that would made it so much harder. But like it kind of just continued on this like, messy, just kind of inconsistent, I think is a good word because like I could, like, you know, get my shit together and, you know, be doing well for like, you know, two weeks at a time and then I would you know kind of fall apart again. And so it just became very cyclical for like the next two months, I would say a month and a half. I don't know, there was something about it, like I remember earlier on kind of feeling this way and like here definitely feel this way. Like, just kind of like a complacency with like, Okay, this is, I guess this is where it's going to be at. And you know what, like, I can manage this, like, you know, if I'm able to just like stay consistent for a couple weeks at a time then I can like get myself together and then it's like, you know, it is what it is. And I think it was very concerning, but at the same time, it's kind of like, okay, like, that's just the circumstances of my situation.
I was just thinking that when you came home at Christmas time Yeah, that right before Christmas, I remember so clearly. And you've never really shared. If anything, you know, it's just been kind of like there was this moment in time. And so I don't know if there was something specific that happened. Or if you just kind of said, this, this is it. But I remember you coming home and saying, I realized that if I don't turn things around, pull myself together, I'm gonna be dead by 21. And that scared me so badly. You know, you were home for a month, during, you know, Christmas in the new year. And, you know, just kind of watching you every moment and then realizing that there was a definite shift. And it was small. It was very subtle, but there was a shift. And you were really committed to this new path. Yeah, know what you want. I mean, anything I think there's a lot to share about that. But, you know,
yeah, sorry. I'm totally cutting off, but go ahead.
So yeah, I mean, I guess this was a little a little part of the story that I hadn't really brought up because I wasn't sure if it would like tie in at all, but I guess this does tie in. So, um, you know, there was a love interest at this point that had been kind of like, you know, I'd met this guy and York and been talking to him since back in oh my gosh, like, before I'd gotten it was the April before I gone to college. So April of 2019. We had kind of just been like texting and talking all summer and then when I finally got to New York, like we started hanging out, but it was like very spotty because I was still a hot mess. You know, like I was stupid. There was still like a, like a connection that I had had with him. That was more organic and real than like the other the connections I was making there. Anyway, like it had gotten to a point with him because I, you know, he was he knew, you know, basically he knew what was going on. And he saw it happening and like he had been very supportive and like trying like kind of you and understanding and like trying to like help, but there reached a point, you know, where I kept lying, and they kept going behind his back and all that. And it was around Christmas. Yeah, right before Christmas was right. It was the week before or the weekend before finals week, which is like my last week that I was there. And I remember the last time so I had gone out and I used and then I hung out with him the next day, but I didn't tell about it. I totally lied about it. But then he caught me in a lie. And it was one of those moments where you just like less than like, you can keep doing it. Doing but I don't want to have any part of it. And I can't be a part of that. You know, you're sick and you need help. And, you know, but it was something where it's like, I needed to hear that. Because I couldn't like say that for myself, if that made sense. Like it was just kind of like a kick in the ass that I need in the butt so that I needed because I mean, like, and I don't want to say like, Oh, well, it's like, it was all him like he was why I got sober or clean or whatever. But like, I It should be noted, that was like, it was a big it was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. I think that finally got me to be like, okay, like, I do really value the relationship that I have with him. And it is, by far the healthiest and most sustainable thing that is in my life right now. And that's not something that I can really afford to lose. And I guess like, you know, I had made attempts in the past like, okay, yeah, like, I'll stop like, it'll be fine. But I didn't know what was doing. About this time other than just like, you know, I felt like it was more of like an ultimatum. Like if I doubt, then I'm going to lose this relationship. And that was I think I really just needed that I needed that like thought to be like, Okay, well, like if I do decide to use, then this will be gone. So, yeah, I was really kind of holding on to that in my early weeks of being clean.
Was there anything that was? Was it specifically from that conversation? Or what finally struck you that you realized how dangerous and how potentially deadly the things that you are engaging in were that made you say, You know what?
I don't stop. I'm happy here.
I mean, I think that's I mean, it's a great question. I think like, it was very much
You know, I think I knew,
in my logical mind, I knew I was well aware of like, how dangerous the stuff I was doing how easily I could die from it get hurt from it involved throwing people, whatever it may be like it was, like stupidly risky. But you know, when you're in that mindset of addiction, it's very much like
it is what it is because you know, it feels good.
Unless you're, you know, in addiction, it is harder to understand that I know that you guys understand that just because you're surrounded by it for past several years, but yeah, like it was very much like the risk was the reward, like the reward always outweighs the way outweighs the risk, even if it's a very small reward. But anyway, I think like the conversation like I do appreciate you mentioning that because it does sound like oh, like it was just this. I did it for a guy and like, you know, like, it wasn't that but I think that conversation helps To me kind of just view everything that I was doing through a slightly different lens. Almost just like it kind of, I guess it just kind of like helped me kind of wake up to truly wake up to like, how, just how much I was be like I was destroying everything, like my grades were that I didn't like I had never gotten grades so low before. I had never just been in this constant state of like, stress and anxiety and felt so isolated. I had, you know, I'd made like three friends. And, you know, the guy who I really liked was, you know, like he this was the last straw sort of thing. I was like, I felt so awful all the time, like physically, and I was kind of just like decaying. So there was like, all of this that like I just I think I finally was able to open my mind to and realize like Sure, this is all like 1,000% because of my use and because I, you know, the way that I'm behaving, and clearly the only way that anything's going to change is if I take out the use. And I think I just the timing of everything was also very fortunate, just like having like, okay, you know, basically making this decision to be clean. And then like two days later, going back home for winter breaks, then I had a month to kind of like, just sit with that at home, and
really process it and I guess just kind of
accept that that was the path that I wanted to take.
Yeah, I think those are all I appreciate you sharing that because I think that is, it's very powerful, and it's important information for people to hear and people to learn from. So that We can all understand addiction better, and understand kind of the thinking that goes behind it. And, you know, I think one of the extraordinary things you are obviously clearly very, very bright and and this addiction was still able to get to you, right? So it's not a, you know, there's a lot of stigma surrounding right addiction, right. And so I think that so many points you made there are very, very powerful and that you were able to have the clarity to, to see them and to be able to separate things out. And you're right having that the timing was a gift. And you know, it was a divine gift, I believe. And I do still, you know, I'm so grateful for that, and grateful for the time that you were able to have to just process to just, you know, sit with all of these very, very uncomfortable things and come and come to terms with how you wanted to shift and change and, and make the commitment to do so. Which is phenomenal. So that, you know, thankfully you, you were here. So let's talk a little bit about really between the time between New Year than COVID heading. And I I'd like for you to talk a little bit in this about finding your therapist who has been just phenomenal or true. I mean, you know, I did kind of chase them down a little bit. But
before you find in
she just wants to pat on the back about
you know what he just when I read about him and you know, I did all that research and I read about him and I was like, Oh my gosh, he's so perfect like to like, Look everyone I basically begged to this guy to take Connor on as a client.
So stars kind of aligned on that one. They did.
They did it was meant to be so anyway, go ahead.
I got it. So odd thinking back to like, you know, the beginning of this year, just because it was like a different lifetime. But I guess yeah, it's like the two and a half months that I was in school for the second semester. It was so just starkly different from my first semester, and for my entire like, first semester spirit Like outside of just the school aspect, like just life. And yes, I was still like very, very, very early recovery. But there was just there was the the way that of having to lie about everything of you know, falling behind and everything, just like the stress and everything that came along with using was not there. So it was kind of I just felt like I was able to just really authentically, like take part in my college experience. And one of the things that was actually like quite fortuitous is I was in computer science first semester, which was probably part of why I did so poorly. Because that just wasn't for me. And I had switched to it's like technology and art, I guess, like that's the best way to describe it. But it's called integrated digital media. And it's still at the engineering school. So it was like it was very easy to like switch this major. And the classes I took for it. There's just so So much more interesting. I remember I was taking my favorite class was the cinematography class. And I just remember like, it was, it was so weird to be able to go to these classes and find genuine genuine interest in them and the work that I was doing and, and like, you know, it's like even though it's like okay, yeah, I could still skip them but like, there's like, I actually, like, want to go to them. And like, I was like, making friends, which again, was crazy, actually, like spending time with people and like, not just, it was just, it was so different. Like, I had like, like, you know, a best friend and like a friend group and like, all these things that like, were such a struggle in high school and, you know, my first semester that like, God, like it was, it was it was so I just felt very secure for the first time in a long time. And the relationship that I had with this guy like it was, you know, exclusive edit was just, you know, it was There was, like, more definition to it than there was before. So it was like all these things. And then also meeting my therapist, for the first time actually only got to have one session with him before COVID we had to go home, but he was still like, great. And like, just in summary, you know, like it was it was just, it was a very positive time. And I was like, okay, like, things are going well, though, I guess It should also be noted that like I was, it wasn't like, I was just like, you know, out of sight out of mind. Like, I got to go back to New York and I was like, definitely struggling still to, like, keep my word dust to myself to like, not use, like I was still. I still had the apps and like my profiles. So like I was still on there, which was so stupid. And like I realized I was literally slake again. crona not great at all. That was Earth. shattering but you know, the timing of getting sent home like I was just I was I remember just being very close to using un. And just like with the circumstances and like I just like I was I was it could have been messy. And once again, I was kind of lucky with the timing. But other than that it was like I was doing quite well.
So just to kind of a reflective question on that, which we've never talked about. So we everyone gets to hear the answer the question and the answer for the first time right here. I know that was very difficult for you. And then you've been home now for five months, and you'll be going back to New York and a couple of weeks. And so what what has shifted or what makes you feel Do you feel more confident that you will be able to either delete those apps not be tempted? How are things different? Now? How are you going back to New York approaching things in a different way? Or are you going back to New York approaching things in a different way?
Good question. Thank you. No, I mean, I think I haven't like given a ton of conscious thought to this, you know, I think with like, with the apps, profiles, all that like, I've kept it off my phone and like, I'd like to keep it that way. I may, you know, need to have accountability on that. And like, just have, you know, through like, your, your computer or something like block certain websites, because sometimes those can't help myself. But, you know, hypothetically, I do feel like much, you know, like, out of sight out of mind. Like, if I don't have them, then I'm not going to worry about it and it won't be a temptation. So there's that because I feel like that's definitely the easiest way for me to fall back into like, Oh, well, maybe I could just you know, once, but that's not the case. But other than that, I mean, it's again, Corona. Not not the greatest, but it definitely helps with no physical interaction whatsoever with anyone. I guess there's also doubt of like I, you know, at least for another six months to a year, I don't really have to worry about even thinking about associating with strangers, and that'll be good. But in all honesty, like now, I feel like I do relationships that I have with you guys with the guy who I'm seeing and the, you know, the friends that I have there, like there's just, there's relationships that I care about. There's support pieces I have in place, especially having my therapist there. And there's just like I have, you know, I've seen what can happen if I actually, you know, put forth effort in like six, you know, like to have drive to succeed in school. And so I feel like that like that energy is kind of carrying over into the fall and like there's like, being able to sign up for my classes and like, have genuine interest and like everything that I signed up for almost everything I signed up for, is, again, totally unfounded, or unheard of, but like, I'm very, I'm very much excited for that. And so it's like, it's still you know, since I am still all that have had, like, I think like eight months, by the time that I'm back, still very much as well like keeping me out of sight out of mind, like just keeping myself busy and busy with things that I enjoy doing. But it's just like, I do feel like this, like there's this opportunity right now. I guess like I'm at a point where it's like I can more authentically kind of figure out like what do I like what do I enjoy, like trying things out and doing all this and like that does desire that drive that curiosity is, I think, just been given to me apart by being clean. Yeah.
I think that's, that's awesome. That's kind of what I was thinking. You know, just from my, my observations of watching you and conversations that Connor Connor is also an early bird. And so he is he is often up with me and the puppy. And that's our time when we get to chat about life. And we talk about lots of different things which is so much fun, but it's been really fun for me to to watch these shifts in him and, you know, things that I always have known were there, but that he's discovering and you know, watching his absolute it does Light and having, you know getting such good grades in his second semester. And then you know, a saying his summer school class with literally almost a perfect score, right? I know and, you know working out like caring about you know, his physical health he eats so healthy, eats a lot to FYI oh my goodness, you know, he's he's he has the metabolism of a teenage metabolism and so it's just you know, all these beautiful pieces that have been you know, as your mom really fun for me to observe and, and just hope that they have become enough of a habit and something that you've seen like the positive results from and and you feel so good about where you are and where you're going. Knowing that that will give you the strength that you need when things are hard. So anyway, I'm glad. Thank you for answering that impromptu question. I appreciate it. So we've basically come to present day and Connor getting ready to leave for New York in a few weeks. As long as everything keeps going, you know, relatively well, he'll be going back to a modified schedule and a modified living situation. and New York. I just would love Connor if you could share as you've shared your whole story from really kind of, you know, the past at least the past, you know, four or five years of your story. And if there are any words of wisdom that you would like to share or any kind of overarching lessons, anything like that, that you would like to share? Just to kind of wrap this up for everybody? Yeah, for sure.
So, you know, may sound a little cliche, but I think that I mean, one of the biggest things that you I still always think about, and I don't know, I just I like it and I think, you know, realizing that being, you know, a part of the LGBT community, specifically, you know, being gay, you know, coming out, is, you know, when I came out, I thought, you know, like, Okay, this is it, I'm done. And like I mentioned, like, it's the coming out process, it's kind of never ending. Because there's always more that, in my experience, there was always more that I would learn about myself, and, you know, still of learning about myself. And, you know, there's like, it's also it's like, it's like, it's like a comfort level that you have with yourself. And I feel like over time, you know, when I first came out, I was so inspired that came with being a teenager, but like just being so insecure, and unsure and you're just like not really loving myself to where I am today where, yeah, I still have a ways to go, but the person that I am and the way that I see myself is so much. Like, I just, I just have so much more appreciation for who I am. And like, can embrace myself. And I know that sounds corny, but like, not at all. Like, it's very much like, I'm not the same person that was four years ago and like, that's something that I can take pride and be happy of. I know, it's like, again, all Kumbaya, but, you know, I think that just that, I use that as my motto in terms of like trusting the process, because, you know, yeah, you might end up you know, going on a rocky road. And you know, that looks different for everyone. My story is entirely unique to me. But the underlying themes are, you know, there bears similarity, you know, and we all kind of have the similarities of like, it is a lengthy process. And it is a hard process. And there's so much that you have to learn about yourself that you will learn about yourself in the process. But just understanding that, like, you can continue to grow and like just love the person that you're becoming Earth become, no matter no matter how low you get, or whatever. But yeah.
No, I love that. I love that. I love that so much. You guys have to know that I literally have tears in my eyes right now. Because you know, as all parents can attest to. One of the things that you want to hear your kids say is that they love themselves and that they appreciate themselves and it has certainly been a long road getting here and so it brings me great joy. Hear that. And you just said something just now that reminded me of a really important shift that we made that I also want to share, because I think it's very important. And that and, you know, so many of us as parents say, you have such great potential you have, you know, you are XYZ you can do XYZ you, you know, and looking forward and toward, you know, child's future or what we think their future might be and saying, you know, and tried to visualize that and, and saying that in a way that's not at all mal intent, saying that right. It is totally trying to be supportive and rah rah and you've got this and we love you and realizing at some point that that is actually can be damaging. And what is really important to say is actually I love who you are right now. Right now in this moment in time I see you, and I love you. And I think you are extraordinary. I think you know, list off whatever characteristics you know you love about your child in this moment in time, you are creative, you are caring, you are kind, you are whatever, I will tell you that that is for me as mom and and in this process don't only with Connor but with his siblings, you know, it's one of those things that really helps you to stay present as well. Right and, and grounded and less anxious about the future because you're appreciating who everybody is right now. So I just wanted to add that in as well to kind of complement what you said. I appreciate you so much and I appreciate you sharing all of this with such honesty and just being so real and You're welcome. So before I wrap it up, is there anything else that you'd like to add?
Yeah, I guess I can, you can call this effort. And so I'm just going to click Share ran through, but like, I like you kind of when you were mentioning just like, you know, I guess, appreciating your child for who they are in this moment in time. And, you know, kind of going along with that is just this philosophy that I feel like, you know, isn't by any means unique to me, but like, it's just a philosophy of like, appreciating the impermanence and the sense of like, it's really hard to, you know, feel good about yourself or feel good about anything when you're in a really dark place. Like I speak from personal experience, and it's, it just can feel so suffocating. But, you know, accepting the fact that like, literally everything is impermanent, and in the sense that like, you know, the situation you're in right now is it's going to change eventually. It's going to Get better eventually. it you know, it has to you have to reach your bottom at some point. It also just like it, how it's helped me and it can help you like, just appreciate when things are going well and when you are happy with yourself and like just recognizing that recognizing how great that is, and appreciating it and being more present in that. Because I just think that kind of sets you up so much better in the future. And that's something that like, you know, I've been saying to myself for the longest time and like, I don't know if I really believed it. But you know, and especially in the age of Corona, really just being present in those moments that are great, because, you know, while they may be fleeting right now, it's still like, I don't know, it's good stuff. So
it is good stuff and I think you're right i think that is
one of the gifts of
the age. of Corona as as you've called it, and as your brother Rowan calls it, Corona break. There are so many things, all you have to do is hop on social media or the news to feel, you know, to see and hear all of the horrible things. So, here are, you know, these are a few good things and I feel like we've really tried so hard to like, see these beautiful moments and these beautiful, and I know that, you know, this is definitely the gift of time together and the gift of being able to appreciate each other and I know the six of us have had we've had more laughter in this house and more just silliness and you know, at some point we all thought it was a good idea to get a puppy and, and she has been an absolute delight, but I don't know that you know, we would have thought that was such a good idea at any other time you get there. It has been a really, I guess what I'm trying to say is it Yes, yes yes yes to what Connor said and you know just appreciating and recognizing those really really good things and I think that goes into you know, when you appreciate the great things that sends a message to the universe that you want more so you're ready for more you're open for more right so on that note, we will we will wrap it up today. Thank you so much again Connor for doing this this was so much fun or
and we won't have
another counter episode for a while guys because he's he's going back to school. So we have to we have to enjoy. Well, let's let's hope that Let's hope that some, some good things are gonna happen. And you are able to safely stay in New York. So this is where I'm going to leave all of you today. And I just want to thank you so much for joining us being with us on this trip down memory lane. And, you know, we want to remind you to just breathe, to take that few minutes every single day to just focus on your breath and allow it to calm you and center you and just give you that strength and clarity that comes from just breathing.
And I'm going to throw out
something new this time, which is if you have ideas for this podcast for me, or feedback, I would love to hear from you. So please shoot me an email at hh at chrysalis mama.com Um, and I will have this in my show notes as well so you can link right to it. As always, I would love for you to subscribe to and review this podcast on whatever platform you're listening to. While you're on my website, chrysalis mama.com go ahead and subscribe to my newsletter, to stay informed, get podcast updates and the like. And if you are looking for a community of people who are going through similar journeys and just started similar places for you, I have a private, just free Facebook community. And you could go ahead and ask to join that through the christless mama Facebook page. And finally, just feel free to share this with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone. Until next time,
0:17
Welcome to Just Breathe parenting your LGBTQ teen. My name is Heather Hester and I am excited to be with you to transform the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.
So today is part three of our time with Connor and Connor sharing his story with us so graciously. lets you know that whatever is going on with you with your child
You're not alone in this and and it can be really hard at times and confusing.
And it could also be really, really beautiful. It can open up your relationship in ways that you never ever dreamed it would it can open up just your eyes, your mind and opportunities just to see things differently and to be differently in this world. So with that, I will let Connor jump on here and we're going to start with I think we left off last time with him getting ready to leave for NYU last fall and so that's when we're going to jump back in. So Connor thanks course I'm
leaving for NYU was think it was a whole it was there was a lot of emotions there at that time. don't recall where we had kind of cut off. So I'll maybe repeat some but, um, you know, it's remember it being very like, it was, you know, the summer was kind of chaotic and like, it was a struggle. But then like, then came August and I was like, Oh my god, like I'm actually going to school soon, like, I've got to be in New York by myself. And to say I wasn't ready was an understatement. But we we were I was insistent like I was not going to not go as I kind of saw that as like my salvation, like go in New York, everything was gonna be fine. all my problems are going to be solved. I was going to be a perfect student there was gonna be no issues right away again. Needless to say, that was not the case. But I think everyone was kind of maybe a little naive, really putting a lot of weight on like, we're doing this. It's gonna be okay. We're gonna manage, you know, like it's, it'll be okay. At this point, though, I was still very much in Pretty heavy use and struggling with that. And there really wasn't a ton of trust between me and my parents. And yeah, I would say it was pretty. It was it was a pretty chaotic time.
I think that's very, very accurate. And I think that your, your observation of how we all approached it is, is spot on. I think we so wanted you to have this experience to have this and, and New York, we knew in so many ways, and NYU and so anyways was the perfect place for you. The question was, you know, would you be able to handle all of the, you know, outside forces coming at you and available to you. And so, yes, we were naive, but I think that it's probably a good thing that we were Because we all just jumped in and and you know, at that point we'd kind of, we'd weathered some some stuff, some storms, right? And so we knew that, okay, well, whatever comes our way we will, we could do this, we can do this and sent him off and, you know, really tried to just say, Okay, this is, you know, the first semester of college is tough. It's gonna be very tough. You know, we knew that. You know, there's a lot of really good things that come out of persevering through whatever comes at you, as you know, in your first semester, first year of college, no matter where you are. So anyway, so I'll let you I'll let you continue, but I just had to
all they're all very true. But yeah, I think the term trial by fire, it's an excellent, but it's a good way to describe my situation when I got there. I mean, I remember I had For this program, it was like this service program. I think it was like 100 kids from the freshman class like came like a week early. It did like a whole service project. And I had originally applied because it just meant I would get to move in a week earlier. But it turned out to be an amazing experience. And like, I remember it, like that still stands out is probably one of the like, my first semester, it was definitely my best experience, you know, met a couple of my, like, closest friends at NYU, from that first week. And it was just like, it was a very cool experience and like, a kind of it sent me off at you know, it's my first week in New York. This is my experience and it was just like a week of just like really empowering really positive things. So I was kind of there it was like, okay, you know, I think I got this like this. This seems all right. You know, I've met some really cool people so far. learned a lot and you know, it's going okay, I think was probably that was the first week I think by about the second maybe third week, I was back to, you know, a got back on the apps got back on, you know, everywhere, kind of broke my promise to myself pretty quick and was you know, using and bringing all those behaviors with me to New York and this time it was kind of I had I was in full control of full autonomy to do whatever I want and that I did.
And I and I'd like to add to that from as his mother, you know, Connor once again is is masterful because I he is his dad and I both you talk to us, you know, every week we would talk sometimes, you know, more than once text and you know, glowing reports talk about his classes. He had a No very interesting roommate and, and just all these experiences of things he was doing and, and you know, I'm doing great and we're like oh, okay, this is good like Connors transitioning just fine. And, and, and he's, you know, he's been through a lot so far and in his young life and, and that's probably helped him with the transition not being as difficult perhaps as you know, friends of mine were sharing their kids transitions, and they were difficult and, and I was like, you know, thinking to myself, cutters doing fine and yeah, not so much. And I I think he's gonna probably jump in here on a parent's weekend next year and I'll I'll I'll respond to his thoughts on that.
Yeah, yeah, so I think let's see so parents weekend was, I think it was like the last It was like the weekend of Halloween. So that was like, you know, I guess that was like, that was a good that was at least a solid two months into the semester like more than about halfway and yeah, I mean I was this point I was doing, I had kind of gotten into my routine of going to one class a week, maybe two if I was feeling it in person, I, the only the only I figured out which classes I would get marked absent for and so I would go to those classes, then the rest of the time I would spend sleeping during the day and then you know, doing doing whatever else at night, and so I wasn't doing so hot and I think by the time that you guys got there, it was very clear at least once you guys were To see me and, you know, interact with me in person, it was quite clear that things were not, in fact, going as swimmingly as I had, you know, tried to portray them. But you know, this is, this was Other than that, like, it was a very big turning point, like I remember, you know, sitting in that restaurant the first night, and just being really straightforward about or not, it kind of took Actually, that's not true. I wasn't very straightforward about it, it took some teasing, but it'd be you know, and eventually when the truth came out, just being like very I remember the conversation just being so bizarre to me because I was in the same position that I was, you know, two months ago with my use and with like, my like, and the struggling but the conversation that I was having with my parents and was so it was so bizarre for me because it was like, you know, like you guys had taken on the role that you know, you should very appropriate for the time Like, you know, yes, were your parents. But this isn't like the same parent child relationship they used to before. Like, this is your life. This is like, you know, your decisions and like, you know, basically, you know, giving me the autonomy. But at the same time, you're like, we just want to help. And so I think that was like, it was very nice to hear that like, okay, like, I felt like I was taking on this, taking everything on my own. And like, that was kind of just like, the way that I'd done things forever. Like I would was very, like, see myself is very independent. And so I kind of tried to take on the weight of, you know, being alone in a big city living on my own for the first time living in college, you know, dealing with heavy use issues dealing with like, all of this and it just like it wasn't something that I was able to do. And that was very clear. You know, this was a huge point where it was kind of like it felt like it wasn't necessarily working against you guys are kind of like working to like work around you guys. But now, there was like kind of an element of like we were working together to kind of eventually figure stuff out. So, yeah, I'll let you respond.
No, I love that and you do such a lovely job of being able to reflect. And really, you know, one of one of the gifts of everything you've been through is that you are incredibly self aware. And which allows you to reflect and to be really, I think, as you've gone through different things, you're able to be more and more honest with yourself, and then you know, vastly with us, right? What I recall very clearly from that time, is phone call that we had a day or two before your dad and I came and you did you know we talked and you I won't say you are completely honest, but you were the most honest you had been up to that point. And and we're just very much like, things are not going well. And I don't feel good about where everything is and I'm, I'm a little bit scared. And I feel alone and I feel you know, overwhelmed and I feel you know, all of these feelings that are totally normal and natural for you know, any first year college kid being you know, not just away at college but in a big city. You know, all by yourself, you know, it was just such you were super vulnerable. And so I knew going into seeing you that weekend. Oh so anxious to see you. I mean, I still remember like standing outside of the hotel and waiting for you to walk from your dorm there and like literally running and jumping over that. Your arms like oh my gosh. You I mean, I could just go, I know. And I mean, I was stunned at guys just was written all over your face your body language your she was oh my goodness. So then I was so worried I am super happy that you know, again your dad and I were like okay, we different approach and different time and you know what what's what do we think might work for where we are right now and I'm so glad it did work and that you know there was a pivotal time it was a you know change in the direction, whatever you want to say. Right? So, so we left this was the end of October. And so you had about a month well, month before Thanksgiving and then about three weeks after that until Christmas. So we're gonna talk a little bit about that time.
I mean, there's nothing that like very specifically sticks out from this time it gets more just a general feeling, which is like, you know, after after parents weekend, I guess. I'd like to say I felt like okay, like, things are a little more like in control, which was like, sort of the case like, I guess, really, it was a very, very, very, very, very slow transition and slow change from like, where I was before my parents before. I had parents weekend versus like after. So first, it was still very much the same struggle, and the same kind of emotions and behaviors. However, it was something where I wasn't entirely keeping it to myself, like I felt that I could I could come to my parents to talk about these things. It was hard because everything was still very much not going well, but I guess it was. It was also nice to have, you know, at least it wasn't like I was keeping it all to myself because that would made it so much harder. But like it kind of just continued on this like, messy, just kind of inconsistent, I think is a good word because like I could, like, you know, get my shit together and, you know, be doing well for like, you know, two weeks at a time and then I would you know kind of fall apart again. And so it just became very cyclical for like the next two months, I would say a month and a half. I don't know, there was something about it, like I remember earlier on kind of feeling this way and like here definitely feel this way. Like, just kind of like a complacency with like, Okay, this is, I guess this is where it's going to be at. And you know what, like, I can manage this, like, you know, if I'm able to just like stay consistent for a couple weeks at a time then I can like get myself together and then it's like, you know, it is what it is. And I think it was very concerning, but at the same time, it's kind of like, okay, like, that's just the circumstances of my situation.
I was just thinking that when you came home at Christmas time Yeah, that right before Christmas, I remember so clearly. And you've never really shared. If anything, you know, it's just been kind of like there was this moment in time. And so I don't know if there was something specific that happened. Or if you just kind of said, this, this is it. But I remember you coming home and saying, I realized that if I don't turn things around, pull myself together, I'm gonna be dead by 21. And that scared me so badly. You know, you were home for a month, during, you know, Christmas in the new year. And, you know, just kind of watching you every moment and then realizing that there was a definite shift. And it was small. It was very subtle, but there was a shift. And you were really committed to this new path. Yeah, know what you want. I mean, anything I think there's a lot to share about that. But, you know,
yeah, sorry. I'm totally cutting off, but go ahead.
So yeah, I mean, I guess this was a little a little part of the story that I hadn't really brought up because I wasn't sure if it would like tie in at all, but I guess this does tie in. So, um, you know, there was a love interest at this point that had been kind of like, you know, I'd met this guy and York and been talking to him since back in oh my gosh, like, before I'd gotten it was the April before I gone to college. So April of 2019. We had kind of just been like texting and talking all summer and then when I finally got to New York, like we started hanging out, but it was like very spotty because I was still a hot mess. You know, like I was stupid. There was still like a, like a connection that I had had with him. That was more organic and real than like the other the connections I was making there. Anyway, like it had gotten to a point with him because I, you know, he was he knew, you know, basically he knew what was going on. And he saw it happening and like he had been very supportive and like trying like kind of you and understanding and like trying to like help, but there reached a point, you know, where I kept lying, and they kept going behind his back and all that. And it was around Christmas. Yeah, right before Christmas was right. It was the week before or the weekend before finals week, which is like my last week that I was there. And I remember the last time so I had gone out and I used and then I hung out with him the next day, but I didn't tell about it. I totally lied about it. But then he caught me in a lie. And it was one of those moments where you just like less than like, you can keep doing it. Doing but I don't want to have any part of it. And I can't be a part of that. You know, you're sick and you need help. And, you know, but it was something where it's like, I needed to hear that. Because I couldn't like say that for myself, if that made sense. Like it was just kind of like a kick in the ass that I need in the butt so that I needed because I mean, like, and I don't want to say like, Oh, well, it's like, it was all him like he was why I got sober or clean or whatever. But like, I It should be noted, that was like, it was a big it was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. I think that finally got me to be like, okay, like, I do really value the relationship that I have with him. And it is, by far the healthiest and most sustainable thing that is in my life right now. And that's not something that I can really afford to lose. And I guess like, you know, I had made attempts in the past like, okay, yeah, like, I'll stop like, it'll be fine. But I didn't know what was doing. About this time other than just like, you know, I felt like it was more of like an ultimatum. Like if I doubt, then I'm going to lose this relationship. And that was I think I really just needed that I needed that like thought to be like, Okay, well, like if I do decide to use, then this will be gone. So, yeah, I was really kind of holding on to that in my early weeks of being clean.
Was there anything that was? Was it specifically from that conversation? Or what finally struck you that you realized how dangerous and how potentially deadly the things that you are engaging in were that made you say, You know what?
I don't stop. I'm happy here.
I mean, I think that's I mean, it's a great question. I think like, it was very much
You know, I think I knew,
in my logical mind, I knew I was well aware of like, how dangerous the stuff I was doing how easily I could die from it get hurt from it involved throwing people, whatever it may be like it was, like stupidly risky. But you know, when you're in that mindset of addiction, it's very much like
it is what it is because you know, it feels good.
Unless you're, you know, in addiction, it is harder to understand that I know that you guys understand that just because you're surrounded by it for past several years, but yeah, like it was very much like the risk was the reward, like the reward always outweighs the way outweighs the risk, even if it's a very small reward. But anyway, I think like the conversation like I do appreciate you mentioning that because it does sound like oh, like it was just this. I did it for a guy and like, you know, like, it wasn't that but I think that conversation helps To me kind of just view everything that I was doing through a slightly different lens. Almost just like it kind of, I guess it just kind of like helped me kind of wake up to truly wake up to like, how, just how much I was be like I was destroying everything, like my grades were that I didn't like I had never gotten grades so low before. I had never just been in this constant state of like, stress and anxiety and felt so isolated. I had, you know, I'd made like three friends. And, you know, the guy who I really liked was, you know, like he this was the last straw sort of thing. I was like, I felt so awful all the time, like physically, and I was kind of just like decaying. So there was like, all of this that like I just I think I finally was able to open my mind to and realize like Sure, this is all like 1,000% because of my use and because I, you know, the way that I'm behaving, and clearly the only way that anything's going to change is if I take out the use. And I think I just the timing of everything was also very fortunate, just like having like, okay, you know, basically making this decision to be clean. And then like two days later, going back home for winter breaks, then I had a month to kind of like, just sit with that at home, and
really process it and I guess just kind of
accept that that was the path that I wanted to take.
Yeah, I think those are all I appreciate you sharing that because I think that is, it's very powerful, and it's important information for people to hear and people to learn from. So that We can all understand addiction better, and understand kind of the thinking that goes behind it. And, you know, I think one of the extraordinary things you are obviously clearly very, very bright and and this addiction was still able to get to you, right? So it's not a, you know, there's a lot of stigma surrounding right addiction, right. And so I think that so many points you made there are very, very powerful and that you were able to have the clarity to, to see them and to be able to separate things out. And you're right having that the timing was a gift. And you know, it was a divine gift, I believe. And I do still, you know, I'm so grateful for that, and grateful for the time that you were able to have to just process to just, you know, sit with all of these very, very uncomfortable things and come and come to terms with how you wanted to shift and change and, and make the commitment to do so. Which is phenomenal. So that, you know, thankfully you, you were here. So let's talk a little bit about really between the time between New Year than COVID heading. And I I'd like for you to talk a little bit in this about finding your therapist who has been just phenomenal or true. I mean, you know, I did kind of chase them down a little bit. But
before you find in
she just wants to pat on the back about
you know what he just when I read about him and you know, I did all that research and I read about him and I was like, Oh my gosh, he's so perfect like to like, Look everyone I basically begged to this guy to take Connor on as a client.
So stars kind of aligned on that one. They did.
They did it was meant to be so anyway, go ahead.
I got it. So odd thinking back to like, you know, the beginning of this year, just because it was like a different lifetime. But I guess yeah, it's like the two and a half months that I was in school for the second semester. It was so just starkly different from my first semester, and for my entire like, first semester spirit Like outside of just the school aspect, like just life. And yes, I was still like very, very, very early recovery. But there was just there was the the way that of having to lie about everything of you know, falling behind and everything, just like the stress and everything that came along with using was not there. So it was kind of I just felt like I was able to just really authentically, like take part in my college experience. And one of the things that was actually like quite fortuitous is I was in computer science first semester, which was probably part of why I did so poorly. Because that just wasn't for me. And I had switched to it's like technology and art, I guess, like that's the best way to describe it. But it's called integrated digital media. And it's still at the engineering school. So it was like it was very easy to like switch this major. And the classes I took for it. There's just so So much more interesting. I remember I was taking my favorite class was the cinematography class. And I just remember like, it was, it was so weird to be able to go to these classes and find genuine genuine interest in them and the work that I was doing and, and like, you know, it's like even though it's like okay, yeah, I could still skip them but like, there's like, I actually, like, want to go to them. And like, I was like, making friends, which again, was crazy, actually, like spending time with people and like, not just, it was just, it was so different. Like, I had like, like, you know, a best friend and like a friend group and like, all these things that like, were such a struggle in high school and, you know, my first semester that like, God, like it was, it was it was so I just felt very secure for the first time in a long time. And the relationship that I had with this guy like it was, you know, exclusive edit was just, you know, it was There was, like, more definition to it than there was before. So it was like all these things. And then also meeting my therapist, for the first time actually only got to have one session with him before COVID we had to go home, but he was still like, great. And like, just in summary, you know, like it was it was just, it was a very positive time. And I was like, okay, like, things are going well, though, I guess It should also be noted that like I was, it wasn't like, I was just like, you know, out of sight out of mind. Like, I got to go back to New York and I was like, definitely struggling still to, like, keep my word dust to myself to like, not use, like I was still. I still had the apps and like my profiles. So like I was still on there, which was so stupid. And like I realized I was literally slake again. crona not great at all. That was Earth. shattering but you know, the timing of getting sent home like I was just I was I remember just being very close to using un. And just like with the circumstances and like I just like I was I was it could have been messy. And once again, I was kind of lucky with the timing. But other than that it was like I was doing quite well.
So just to kind of a reflective question on that, which we've never talked about. So we everyone gets to hear the answer the question and the answer for the first time right here. I know that was very difficult for you. And then you've been home now for five months, and you'll be going back to New York and a couple of weeks. And so what what has shifted or what makes you feel Do you feel more confident that you will be able to either delete those apps not be tempted? How are things different? Now? How are you going back to New York approaching things in a different way? Or are you going back to New York approaching things in a different way?
Good question. Thank you. No, I mean, I think I haven't like given a ton of conscious thought to this, you know, I think with like, with the apps, profiles, all that like, I've kept it off my phone and like, I'd like to keep it that way. I may, you know, need to have accountability on that. And like, just have, you know, through like, your, your computer or something like block certain websites, because sometimes those can't help myself. But, you know, hypothetically, I do feel like much, you know, like, out of sight out of mind. Like, if I don't have them, then I'm not going to worry about it and it won't be a temptation. So there's that because I feel like that's definitely the easiest way for me to fall back into like, Oh, well, maybe I could just you know, once, but that's not the case. But other than that, I mean, it's again, Corona. Not not the greatest, but it definitely helps with no physical interaction whatsoever with anyone. I guess there's also doubt of like I, you know, at least for another six months to a year, I don't really have to worry about even thinking about associating with strangers, and that'll be good. But in all honesty, like now, I feel like I do relationships that I have with you guys with the guy who I'm seeing and the, you know, the friends that I have there, like there's just, there's relationships that I care about. There's support pieces I have in place, especially having my therapist there. And there's just like I have, you know, I've seen what can happen if I actually, you know, put forth effort in like six, you know, like to have drive to succeed in school. And so I feel like that like that energy is kind of carrying over into the fall and like there's like, being able to sign up for my classes and like, have genuine interest and like everything that I signed up for almost everything I signed up for, is, again, totally unfounded, or unheard of, but like, I'm very, I'm very much excited for that. And so it's like, it's still you know, since I am still all that have had, like, I think like eight months, by the time that I'm back, still very much as well like keeping me out of sight out of mind, like just keeping myself busy and busy with things that I enjoy doing. But it's just like, I do feel like this, like there's this opportunity right now. I guess like I'm at a point where it's like I can more authentically kind of figure out like what do I like what do I enjoy, like trying things out and doing all this and like that does desire that drive that curiosity is, I think, just been given to me apart by being clean. Yeah.
I think that's, that's awesome. That's kind of what I was thinking. You know, just from my, my observations of watching you and conversations that Connor Connor is also an early bird. And so he is he is often up with me and the puppy. And that's our time when we get to chat about life. And we talk about lots of different things which is so much fun, but it's been really fun for me to to watch these shifts in him and, you know, things that I always have known were there, but that he's discovering and you know, watching his absolute it does Light and having, you know getting such good grades in his second semester. And then you know, a saying his summer school class with literally almost a perfect score, right? I know and, you know working out like caring about you know, his physical health he eats so healthy, eats a lot to FYI oh my goodness, you know, he's he's he has the metabolism of a teenage metabolism and so it's just you know, all these beautiful pieces that have been you know, as your mom really fun for me to observe and, and just hope that they have become enough of a habit and something that you've seen like the positive results from and and you feel so good about where you are and where you're going. Knowing that that will give you the strength that you need when things are hard. So anyway, I'm glad. Thank you for answering that impromptu question. I appreciate it. So we've basically come to present day and Connor getting ready to leave for New York in a few weeks. As long as everything keeps going, you know, relatively well, he'll be going back to a modified schedule and a modified living situation. and New York. I just would love Connor if you could share as you've shared your whole story from really kind of, you know, the past at least the past, you know, four or five years of your story. And if there are any words of wisdom that you would like to share or any kind of overarching lessons, anything like that, that you would like to share? Just to kind of wrap this up for everybody? Yeah, for sure.
So, you know, may sound a little cliche, but I think that I mean, one of the biggest things that you I still always think about, and I don't know, I just I like it and I think, you know, realizing that being, you know, a part of the LGBT community, specifically, you know, being gay, you know, coming out, is, you know, when I came out, I thought, you know, like, Okay, this is it, I'm done. And like I mentioned, like, it's the coming out process, it's kind of never ending. Because there's always more that, in my experience, there was always more that I would learn about myself, and, you know, still of learning about myself. And, you know, there's like, it's also it's like, it's like, it's like a comfort level that you have with yourself. And I feel like over time, you know, when I first came out, I was so inspired that came with being a teenager, but like just being so insecure, and unsure and you're just like not really loving myself to where I am today where, yeah, I still have a ways to go, but the person that I am and the way that I see myself is so much. Like, I just, I just have so much more appreciation for who I am. And like, can embrace myself. And I know that sounds corny, but like, not at all. Like, it's very much like, I'm not the same person that was four years ago and like, that's something that I can take pride and be happy of. I know, it's like, again, all Kumbaya, but, you know, I think that just that, I use that as my motto in terms of like trusting the process, because, you know, yeah, you might end up you know, going on a rocky road. And you know, that looks different for everyone. My story is entirely unique to me. But the underlying themes are, you know, there bears similarity, you know, and we all kind of have the similarities of like, it is a lengthy process. And it is a hard process. And there's so much that you have to learn about yourself that you will learn about yourself in the process. But just understanding that, like, you can continue to grow and like just love the person that you're becoming Earth become, no matter no matter how low you get, or whatever. But yeah.
No, I love that. I love that. I love that so much. You guys have to know that I literally have tears in my eyes right now. Because you know, as all parents can attest to. One of the things that you want to hear your kids say is that they love themselves and that they appreciate themselves and it has certainly been a long road getting here and so it brings me great joy. Hear that. And you just said something just now that reminded me of a really important shift that we made that I also want to share, because I think it's very important. And that and, you know, so many of us as parents say, you have such great potential you have, you know, you are XYZ you can do XYZ you, you know, and looking forward and toward, you know, child's future or what we think their future might be and saying, you know, and tried to visualize that and, and saying that in a way that's not at all mal intent, saying that right. It is totally trying to be supportive and rah rah and you've got this and we love you and realizing at some point that that is actually can be damaging. And what is really important to say is actually I love who you are right now. Right now in this moment in time I see you, and I love you. And I think you are extraordinary. I think you know, list off whatever characteristics you know you love about your child in this moment in time, you are creative, you are caring, you are kind, you are whatever, I will tell you that that is for me as mom and and in this process don't only with Connor but with his siblings, you know, it's one of those things that really helps you to stay present as well. Right and, and grounded and less anxious about the future because you're appreciating who everybody is right now. So I just wanted to add that in as well to kind of complement what you said. I appreciate you so much and I appreciate you sharing all of this with such honesty and just being so real and You're welcome. So before I wrap it up, is there anything else that you'd like to add?
Yeah, I guess I can, you can call this effort. And so I'm just going to click Share ran through, but like, I like you kind of when you were mentioning just like, you know, I guess, appreciating your child for who they are in this moment in time. And, you know, kind of going along with that is just this philosophy that I feel like, you know, isn't by any means unique to me, but like, it's just a philosophy of like, appreciating the impermanence and the sense of like, it's really hard to, you know, feel good about yourself or feel good about anything when you're in a really dark place. Like I speak from personal experience, and it's, it just can feel so suffocating. But, you know, accepting the fact that like, literally everything is impermanent, and in the sense that like, you know, the situation you're in right now is it's going to change eventually. It's going to Get better eventually. it you know, it has to you have to reach your bottom at some point. It also just like it, how it's helped me and it can help you like, just appreciate when things are going well and when you are happy with yourself and like just recognizing that recognizing how great that is, and appreciating it and being more present in that. Because I just think that kind of sets you up so much better in the future. And that's something that like, you know, I've been saying to myself for the longest time and like, I don't know if I really believed it. But you know, and especially in the age of Corona, really just being present in those moments that are great, because, you know, while they may be fleeting right now, it's still like, I don't know, it's good stuff. So
it is good stuff and I think you're right i think that is
one of the gifts of
the age. of Corona as as you've called it, and as your brother Rowan calls it, Corona break. There are so many things, all you have to do is hop on social media or the news to feel, you know, to see and hear all of the horrible things. So, here are, you know, these are a few good things and I feel like we've really tried so hard to like, see these beautiful moments and these beautiful, and I know that, you know, this is definitely the gift of time together and the gift of being able to appreciate each other and I know the six of us have had we've had more laughter in this house and more just silliness and you know, at some point we all thought it was a good idea to get a puppy and, and she has been an absolute delight, but I don't know that you know, we would have thought that was such a good idea at any other time you get there. It has been a really, I guess what I'm trying to say is it Yes, yes yes yes to what Connor said and you know just appreciating and recognizing those really really good things and I think that goes into you know, when you appreciate the great things that sends a message to the universe that you want more so you're ready for more you're open for more right so on that note, we will we will wrap it up today. Thank you so much again Connor for doing this this was so much fun or
and we won't have
another counter episode for a while guys because he's he's going back to school. So we have to we have to enjoy. Well, let's let's hope that Let's hope that some, some good things are gonna happen. And you are able to safely stay in New York. So this is where I'm going to leave all of you today. And I just want to thank you so much for joining us being with us on this trip down memory lane. And, you know, we want to remind you to just breathe, to take that few minutes every single day to just focus on your breath and allow it to calm you and center you and just give you that strength and clarity that comes from just breathing.
And I'm going to throw out
something new this time, which is if you have ideas for this podcast for me, or feedback, I would love to hear from you. So please shoot me an email at hh at chrysalis mama.com Um, and I will have this in my show notes as well so you can link right to it. As always, I would love for you to subscribe to and review this podcast on whatever platform you're listening to. While you're on my website, chrysalis mama.com go ahead and subscribe to my newsletter, to stay informed, get podcast updates and the like. And if you are looking for a community of people who are going through similar journeys and just started similar places for you, I have a private, just free Facebook community. And you could go ahead and ask to join that through the christless mama Facebook page. And finally, just feel free to share this with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone. Until next time,
