WEBVTT
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:01.520
Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.199
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:28.239
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:29.519 --> 00:00:31.920
Alright, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:32.000 --> 00:00:33.439
And this solo episode.
00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:37.920
Don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
00:00:38.079 --> 00:00:40.719
As always, the link will be in the show notes.
00:00:40.880 --> 00:00:49.920
Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get it in the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it all around the world.
00:00:50.159 --> 00:00:50.799
All right.
00:00:51.200 --> 00:00:53.039
So let's talk about some things today.
00:00:53.119 --> 00:00:54.640
And I'm going to start it with a story.
00:00:54.719 --> 00:00:56.799
I've been liking these little stories.
00:00:56.960 --> 00:00:57.920
I hope that you have.
00:00:58.240 --> 00:01:00.399
Let me know if you do, let me know if you don't.
00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:08.879
So imagine me, phone in my left hand, thumb scrolling through grinder, cigarette in my right hand, not inhaling.
00:01:09.120 --> 00:01:10.319
Never inhaled cigarettes.
00:01:10.480 --> 00:01:11.359
I don't know why.
00:01:11.519 --> 00:01:13.599
I tried to get addicted to cigarettes.
00:01:13.760 --> 00:01:16.079
Just one thing I could not get addicted to was nicotine.
00:01:16.239 --> 00:01:18.239
But you know, I like the aesthetic of it.
00:01:18.480 --> 00:01:29.359
I had both feet up on the patio banister, and it was a bright Saturday afternoon, and I was having a conversation with a guy on Grinder about partying.
00:01:29.920 --> 00:01:31.439
I was doing the math in my head.
00:01:31.599 --> 00:01:37.760
Okay, so Saturday night into Sunday morning, I could get some rest, be ready for work.
00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:39.840
I think I can make this work.
00:01:40.239 --> 00:01:42.719
One voice said, go for it.
00:01:43.200 --> 00:01:48.560
Another voice, another part of me, said, This is not who you are.
00:01:48.959 --> 00:02:02.239
You're going to lock yourself in this room with this guy who could be in psychosis or look totally different than his pigs for 48 hours, and you are going to regret this on Monday.
00:02:02.400 --> 00:02:10.560
Some people call that the angel and the devil, which I do not, but for uh visual sake, you can imagine that.
00:02:11.120 --> 00:02:13.520
This voice said, Why don't you go hiking today?
00:02:13.680 --> 00:02:15.840
Why don't you call a friend and do something fun?
00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:19.919
Do something that doesn't leave you broken on a weekday.
00:02:20.159 --> 00:02:25.439
And not knowing which voice to listen to, I thought, hmm, well, let me look at his dick pics.
00:02:26.080 --> 00:02:27.599
That'll help me decide.
00:02:27.919 --> 00:02:29.439
So I kept listening.
00:02:29.680 --> 00:02:32.400
Two different voices, two different parts.
00:02:32.639 --> 00:02:37.759
And I was thinking through it, I looked up from his portfolio of nudes.
00:02:38.240 --> 00:02:46.960
If part of me wants to use, and part of me doesn't want to use, then who the hell am I?
00:02:47.680 --> 00:02:49.439
Who's watching these voices?
00:02:49.599 --> 00:02:52.639
Who is the person observing these two parts?
00:02:54.159 --> 00:03:00.479
That was one of the many spiritual epiphanies that I had during my active use.
00:03:01.199 --> 00:03:06.719
It was moments that I pulled on in early recovery that I recalled.
00:03:06.879 --> 00:03:08.560
Still do recall it, obviously.
00:03:08.719 --> 00:03:12.719
And in early recovery, I learned about parts integration.
00:03:13.039 --> 00:03:15.680
And that's what I want to share with you today.
00:03:15.919 --> 00:03:16.560
All right.
00:03:16.800 --> 00:03:30.639
So working with the part of me who wants to use meth revolutionized my recovery, and it helped me develop in a really deep spiritual way, an emotional way too, psychologically.
00:03:30.800 --> 00:03:39.520
It also alleviated a ton of shame that I had developed sitting around in a circle, introducing myself as an addict.
00:03:40.159 --> 00:03:44.719
My soul self is not an addict, okay?
00:03:45.439 --> 00:03:46.479
Can't be.
00:03:46.800 --> 00:03:52.400
A soul light consciousness cannot be an addict.
00:03:52.960 --> 00:03:59.520
However, part of me had developed addictive patterns associated with chemsex.
00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:04.960
A part of me who I created, I programmed, and I nurtured.
00:04:07.199 --> 00:04:14.000
So once I got to know him, I was knowing myself in a deeper level.
00:04:15.120 --> 00:04:22.160
And my entire life became brighter, more open, and most of all, whole.
00:04:22.720 --> 00:04:24.720
More whole, wholeness.
00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:34.800
So I let my clients, or I tell my clients, um, that I don't want to hear them say, I want to use, or I have a craving.
00:04:35.040 --> 00:04:39.439
Instead, we say, a part of me wants to use.
00:04:39.839 --> 00:04:43.360
A part of me is experiencing a craving.
00:04:44.560 --> 00:04:52.560
I get eyes rolling at me a lot, and you might be rolling your eyes listening to this, but it makes a big difference.
00:04:53.199 --> 00:05:00.639
This allows you to begin a dialogue with that part and separate your whole identity from the behavior.
00:05:00.879 --> 00:05:03.360
All right, so how do we dialogue with this part?
00:05:04.800 --> 00:05:08.079
So once you name it, then you can go a little deeper.
00:05:08.240 --> 00:05:11.040
You can actually have a conversation with this part.
00:05:11.680 --> 00:05:14.079
So I like to personify it.
00:05:14.160 --> 00:05:16.160
So the first method is personification.
00:05:16.240 --> 00:05:21.680
So I want you to ask yourself, what does this part that wants to use, what is he what does he look like, he, she, they?
00:05:22.079 --> 00:05:23.279
What do they look like?
00:05:23.519 --> 00:05:31.920
Does it have a shape, a color, a texture, an age, a gender, a expression, an essence?
00:05:32.560 --> 00:05:39.920
Some men see it as a shadow or some type of reflection of themselves or a younger version of themselves.
00:05:40.079 --> 00:05:44.160
Some see it as something protective, like maybe it's armor.
00:05:44.319 --> 00:05:48.000
Some see it as something like a hungry ghost, right?
00:05:48.319 --> 00:05:50.480
Or a wolf or something like that.
00:05:50.639 --> 00:05:51.920
But don't overthink it.
00:05:52.160 --> 00:05:57.279
The image that comes up is typically going to be the right image.
00:05:57.439 --> 00:06:01.360
Now, once you see it, you give it a name.
00:06:02.160 --> 00:06:08.160
A lot of you will see it as something evil at first, and then give it some evil name.
00:06:08.319 --> 00:06:09.120
Try not to.
00:06:09.279 --> 00:06:12.240
Try not to give it an evil name because you're giving yourself an evil name.
00:06:12.399 --> 00:06:14.079
You're calling yourself something evil.
00:06:14.240 --> 00:06:20.879
You know, when we say Tina the Bitch or whatever, or the devil part of me, that's just working against yourself.
00:06:21.040 --> 00:06:22.560
This is all parts of you.
00:06:22.800 --> 00:06:22.959
Right?
00:06:23.120 --> 00:06:28.079
And if you're familiar with um internalized family systems, there are no bad parts.
00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:33.839
So just think of a word or name that would describe the essence of the part that wants to use.
00:06:33.920 --> 00:06:37.040
Now you can ask it questions because it's separate from you and you can imagine it.
00:06:37.199 --> 00:06:38.480
So what do you want?
00:06:39.040 --> 00:06:39.680
Part?
00:06:40.240 --> 00:06:42.319
What are you protecting me from?
00:06:43.680 --> 00:06:46.399
What were you programmed to do?
00:06:46.879 --> 00:06:49.920
And why did that make sense at the time?
00:06:50.959 --> 00:06:51.839
Big questions.
00:06:52.079 --> 00:06:54.160
Okay, so a second method could be a letter.
00:06:54.639 --> 00:06:58.240
You write to this part, and you can ask it directly, what is it that you really want?
00:06:58.560 --> 00:06:59.120
A part?
00:07:00.160 --> 00:07:01.360
It's not meth.
00:07:02.319 --> 00:07:04.800
Meth is the delivery system, and it's not sex.
00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:07.439
Probably.
00:07:08.240 --> 00:07:10.000
Meth is the vehicle.
00:07:10.560 --> 00:07:14.319
But understand that your part wants something deeper.
00:07:14.959 --> 00:07:16.399
It wants safety for you.
00:07:16.560 --> 00:07:18.240
It wants connection for you.
00:07:18.480 --> 00:07:20.639
It wants to numb out the pain for you.
00:07:20.879 --> 00:07:24.399
It wants to give you pleasure, power, visibility, rest.
00:07:25.759 --> 00:07:29.519
So write the questions down, then allow that part to answer.
00:07:29.680 --> 00:07:31.519
So then you write from that part.
00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:35.759
Some people say to use your non-dominant hand when you're writing from that part.
00:07:35.920 --> 00:07:41.600
There's something about crossing that threshold into the other side of your brain that lets the answers come a little more freely.
00:07:41.839 --> 00:07:46.079
But write out this part, what this part's telling you.
00:07:46.240 --> 00:07:47.600
And then write back.
00:07:47.839 --> 00:07:50.480
You're having a conversation on the page.
00:07:50.800 --> 00:07:53.680
Sounds kind of silly, but it really isn't when you start doing it.
00:07:53.839 --> 00:08:06.480
So a letter to this part, a letter from this part, back and forth, until you understand, until you have come to an agreement or some type of at least a better knowing, right?
00:08:06.639 --> 00:08:08.720
A better relationship, rapport.
00:08:08.879 --> 00:08:11.279
So the third method is a meditative ask.
00:08:11.439 --> 00:08:13.040
I like this one myself.
00:08:13.279 --> 00:08:18.160
You don't write, you sit and you ask the question in your mind, what is it that you want?
00:08:18.720 --> 00:08:19.759
You picture it.
00:08:19.839 --> 00:08:24.000
Maybe you picture it in a chair next to you, or in the same room, or we're sitting beside you.
00:08:24.079 --> 00:08:25.120
What do you need?
00:08:25.439 --> 00:08:26.639
And you wait.
00:08:27.120 --> 00:08:30.720
You stay in that quiet, be receptive.
00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:34.159
The answers sometimes just come, they bubble up.
00:08:34.639 --> 00:08:49.120
Sometimes it's a word or a vision, sometimes it's an image or a feeling, sometimes it's a just a whole set of words or conversation that you didn't wouldn't even expect.
00:08:49.440 --> 00:08:54.879
All three of these methods are doing the same thing, though.
00:08:55.200 --> 00:08:59.679
They're turning a craving into a conversation.
00:09:01.440 --> 00:09:12.960
They're turning this fragmentation you're experiencing of this part, that part, this part into listening and integrating and mediating, learning.
00:09:14.080 --> 00:09:22.320
Cause listen, what you say after I am matters more than you think.
00:09:24.080 --> 00:09:32.240
When you say a part of me wants to use, you're telling yourself the absolute truth.
00:09:33.519 --> 00:09:44.480
When you say I'm having a craving, you're still separating yourself from it a little bit, right?
00:09:45.440 --> 00:09:52.240
I'm having, I'm experiencing, a part of me is experiencing a craving, not I am the craving.
00:09:52.799 --> 00:09:55.120
It's my craving, right?
00:09:56.399 --> 00:10:03.120
When it's not yours, when it's separate from, you get to observe it and have a conversation with it and learn from it.
00:10:03.519 --> 00:10:11.519
When you say, I am an addict or I am an alcoholic, you've just made that part your whole identity.
00:10:11.759 --> 00:10:19.600
You've claimed in your soul, your soul self, that that's who you've always been, and that's who you'll always be.
00:10:19.840 --> 00:10:21.440
You've made it permanent.
00:10:21.679 --> 00:10:23.679
You've made it a life sentence.
00:10:24.720 --> 00:10:29.919
Your soul self, your truest light, is not an addict.
00:10:30.559 --> 00:10:33.120
It never was and it never will be.
00:10:33.360 --> 00:10:34.960
It doesn't want to use.
00:10:35.120 --> 00:10:43.519
And listen, if you're listening to this podcast, if you are in my program, if you are reading my emails, you don't want to use.
00:10:48.879 --> 00:10:58.960
Every time you sit in a room and you say these words, I am an addict, every time you repeat them, you're reinforcing the program.
00:11:00.960 --> 00:11:03.840
And you're getting deeper into that identity.
00:11:04.159 --> 00:11:07.759
And I'll bet you there are ways it's showing up.
00:11:09.360 --> 00:11:16.639
And you're telling your nervous system, your subconscious mind, your whole being, this is what you are.
00:11:17.279 --> 00:11:19.759
You are destined to be an addict.
00:11:19.840 --> 00:11:21.200
It's a life sentence.
00:11:21.360 --> 00:11:24.080
You're always on guard, you're never going to get better.
00:11:24.240 --> 00:11:25.120
This is permanent.
00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:27.279
This is who you will always be.
00:11:27.919 --> 00:11:29.840
And that's why the language matters.
00:11:30.000 --> 00:11:35.519
That's why a part of me changes everything for you.
00:11:35.679 --> 00:11:42.159
And you will feel an immediate relief in your nervous system when you say, a part of me wants to use.
00:11:42.559 --> 00:11:46.080
Because it keeps the truth intact.
00:11:46.240 --> 00:11:49.919
Your true self is not labeled.
00:11:51.039 --> 00:11:56.559
Nowhere inside you are you going to find a label that says addict.
00:12:00.879 --> 00:12:04.080
So when you say a part of me, it keeps the door open.
00:12:04.159 --> 00:12:05.200
It keeps you free.
00:12:05.440 --> 00:12:08.639
All right, so let's talk about integrating these two parts.
00:12:09.440 --> 00:12:11.039
So there are two parts, right?
00:12:11.200 --> 00:12:14.240
One who wants to use and one who doesn't want to use.
00:12:14.720 --> 00:12:16.960
But neither one of them are actually you.
00:12:17.519 --> 00:12:19.360
You get to be the mediator.
00:12:19.840 --> 00:12:22.639
So I want you to picture an infinity symbol.
00:12:23.440 --> 00:12:25.519
And if you get the study guide, you'll see it.
00:12:25.679 --> 00:12:30.399
Your soul self sits in the center, watching your true light.
00:12:30.639 --> 00:12:34.799
On one side, the part that wants to use, on the other side, the part that doesn't want to use.
00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:47.519
Both were formed from conditioning in your life because oftentimes the part that doesn't want to use also is a shaming part, an inner critic part.
00:12:49.200 --> 00:12:53.039
You have to be really careful about the tone and the frequency of the part that doesn't want to use.
00:12:53.200 --> 00:12:54.240
It is not good.
00:12:54.480 --> 00:12:56.799
Neither one of them are good or bad.
00:12:57.279 --> 00:13:00.080
But they are both trying to protect you in some way.
00:13:01.039 --> 00:13:16.799
So when you're not connected to your center, your full self, when you stop labeling yourself, your true self, if you're not there, that you you will get pulled back and forth along that loop over and over.
00:13:17.039 --> 00:13:22.159
And some men get stuck using and staying stuck in that loop for years.
00:13:23.600 --> 00:13:25.919
So you don't pick a side.
00:13:26.480 --> 00:13:29.759
You get curious about both sides.
00:13:30.399 --> 00:13:33.600
So let me show you how this works in one way.
00:13:33.759 --> 00:13:40.320
And I'm going to use a real client's example, not his name or anything, but he did give me permission to share the work we did together.
00:13:40.480 --> 00:13:48.080
So you're going to find a link to a worksheet in the study guide for this practice.
00:13:48.320 --> 00:13:48.639
Okay?
00:13:48.879 --> 00:13:50.720
This is a worksheet that I use in my program.
00:13:50.799 --> 00:14:04.720
So you're going to ask each part a question and then integrate the answers so that both sides get what they want, and you are finally in control of your life's direction.
00:14:05.039 --> 00:14:05.360
Okay.
00:14:05.759 --> 00:14:08.399
First your question is what is your core belief?
00:14:08.639 --> 00:14:10.159
You're going to ask each side.
00:14:10.399 --> 00:14:13.759
The part that wants to use, these are the examples from my client.
00:14:14.080 --> 00:14:20.240
His core belief, the part that wants to use, said, We love the euphoric and naughty sex on meth.
00:14:20.639 --> 00:14:28.879
The part that doesn't want to use said, the connectedness and chemistry of sober sex is way more powerful and fulfilling.
00:14:29.600 --> 00:14:31.360
So you don't want to pick a side.
00:14:37.519 --> 00:14:39.120
Again, neither one is wrong.
00:14:39.279 --> 00:14:42.080
One wants euphoria, one wants connection.
00:14:42.480 --> 00:14:44.159
They're not working against each other.
00:14:44.240 --> 00:14:48.159
They're both pointing at the same thing from different sides.
00:14:48.559 --> 00:14:50.320
They want to help you.
00:14:50.799 --> 00:14:52.720
So an integrated belief.
00:14:52.879 --> 00:14:55.120
This is when you put them together.
00:14:55.440 --> 00:15:03.360
The example we came up with was sober connected sex can be euphoric and naughty.
00:15:03.759 --> 00:15:04.720
There you go.
00:15:04.960 --> 00:15:07.759
The whole fight resolved.
00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:12.799
You've mediated, you've given them both what they want, and freeing you.
00:15:13.519 --> 00:15:17.279
So nothing was eliminated or defeated.
00:15:17.440 --> 00:15:18.559
There's no battle.
00:15:18.799 --> 00:15:21.360
Both parts got what they asked for.
00:15:21.759 --> 00:15:23.919
So then we talk about the method.
00:15:24.240 --> 00:15:25.840
Okay, part that wants to use.
00:15:25.919 --> 00:15:27.120
What's your method?
00:15:27.600 --> 00:15:30.480
I continuously pitch ideas.
00:15:31.279 --> 00:15:38.240
So this part that wants to use, he was saying that the client was saying it was continually giving him new ideas to how to use, right?
00:15:38.320 --> 00:15:40.480
Or we could always do this and we could always do that, right?
00:15:40.559 --> 00:15:41.360
But we could do here.
00:15:41.519 --> 00:15:44.879
The part that doesn't want to use, patient.
00:15:45.360 --> 00:15:50.320
There was an open invitation to find dopamine in other ways.
00:15:50.559 --> 00:15:54.879
Okay, so one is very loud and relentless, like here's this idea, here's this idea.
00:15:55.039 --> 00:15:56.320
One is patient.
00:15:56.960 --> 00:16:04.399
But both are trying to get him to a feeling, to protect him, to give him something.
00:16:04.720 --> 00:16:07.279
So we came up with an integrated method.
00:16:07.519 --> 00:16:11.440
So when you write the integrated method, you'll see this on the worksheet.
00:16:11.679 --> 00:16:15.200
You frame it as when I feel, comma, I find.
00:16:16.000 --> 00:16:26.960
So when I feel ideas to use, okay, I find my own dopamine hit in another way.
00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:30.399
The method isn't, right?
00:16:30.559 --> 00:16:32.639
The method isn't fight the pitch.
00:16:32.799 --> 00:16:38.480
It's hear the pitches and go get the thing both are asking for.
00:16:46.960 --> 00:16:50.799
When I feel ideas to use, this is for him.
00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:57.279
So when he starts hearing those ideas to use, I find my own dopamine hits.
00:16:57.440 --> 00:16:59.840
He goes and knows, he has a plan.
00:17:00.240 --> 00:17:03.120
How am I going to get dopamine in another way?
00:17:03.360 --> 00:17:12.000
And that will satisfy the part that wants to use, who's giving you ideas on dopamine, and it satisfies the part that doesn't want to use, because it's getting his dopamine.
00:17:12.160 --> 00:17:13.920
Two, you are in charge.
00:17:17.440 --> 00:17:19.279
So then we look at the fears.
00:17:19.599 --> 00:17:21.839
Part that wants to use, what's your fear?
00:17:23.680 --> 00:17:27.119
He fears that you're going to be bored and dull.
00:17:27.839 --> 00:17:33.039
The part that doesn't want to use says, I fear that you will be unfulfilled.
00:17:35.359 --> 00:17:36.960
How do I integrate that?
00:17:38.000 --> 00:17:39.279
So it's the same fear.
00:17:39.920 --> 00:17:43.119
I'm going to be bored and dull, and I'm going to be unfulfilled.
00:17:43.359 --> 00:17:50.880
Both parts are terrified of a flat gray life for our client, for this person.
00:17:52.480 --> 00:17:55.920
So with the fears, you want to name the opposite.
00:17:56.799 --> 00:17:57.279
Right?
00:17:57.920 --> 00:18:00.240
It's the presence of what you actually want.
00:18:00.480 --> 00:18:03.839
So our opposites were I belong.
00:18:04.960 --> 00:18:10.480
I am welcomed, I am interesting, and I am content.
00:18:11.680 --> 00:18:15.440
Those are the opposite of the fears that both parts have.
00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:23.519
So you take those opposites, and then you find all the evidence that will support them.
00:18:24.160 --> 00:18:24.960
I belong.
00:18:25.119 --> 00:18:26.079
Where do you belong?
00:18:26.240 --> 00:18:30.319
Find a place in your life where you belong and anchor into that.
00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:33.200
I'm welcomed.
00:18:33.279 --> 00:18:34.160
Where are you welcomed?
00:18:34.240 --> 00:18:34.960
I'm interesting.
00:18:35.039 --> 00:18:35.759
I'm content.
00:18:36.079 --> 00:18:43.440
You make it your mission every day to find evidence of those being true.
00:18:43.680 --> 00:18:47.039
And that alleviates the fears both have.
00:18:47.839 --> 00:18:58.480
Because if you feel belonging and you anchor into that every day and you find the evidence, look, I belong here in this group, I belong with this person.
00:18:59.680 --> 00:19:07.279
Even if it's your dog, then you're not feeding the fear of the part that wants to use.
00:19:07.839 --> 00:19:09.359
I hope this is making sense.
00:19:09.519 --> 00:19:09.920
All right.
00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:11.599
Then we go into the wishes.
00:19:11.759 --> 00:19:14.319
What do the what wish do these parts have?
00:19:14.559 --> 00:19:23.359
So when we asked the part that wants to use for him, the part that wants to use says, I wish that you have an exciting life.
00:19:24.799 --> 00:19:30.960
The part that doesn't want to use says, I wish for you to be thriving.
00:19:32.799 --> 00:19:40.799
So the that's the part you've been calling your enemy that's wishing you have an exciting life.
00:19:40.960 --> 00:19:45.039
The part that wants to use just wanted him to have an exciting life.
00:19:45.920 --> 00:19:49.039
So the integrated wishes are the same.
00:19:49.359 --> 00:19:50.640
I want you to be safe.
00:19:50.799 --> 00:19:52.000
I wish you to be loved.
00:19:52.160 --> 00:19:54.319
I wish you to have an exciting life.
00:19:54.640 --> 00:19:57.119
I wish you to be thriving.
00:19:57.680 --> 00:20:00.880
You take these wishes and you just use them and you love them.
00:20:00.960 --> 00:20:04.160
And like, oh, both parts want the best for me.
00:20:04.400 --> 00:20:07.119
An exciting life and a thriving life.
00:20:07.759 --> 00:20:08.319
Wow.
00:20:08.480 --> 00:20:10.559
So this is that's integration.
00:20:11.200 --> 00:20:18.160
Although we could say this is integration light, because these this is really the very basic steps in this process.
00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:23.839
Remember, I am not, I'm not helping you get, I'm helping you get ready for therapy.
00:20:24.000 --> 00:20:25.759
I am not therapizing you.
00:20:25.920 --> 00:20:29.200
So I'm not going deep into internalized family systems.
00:20:29.359 --> 00:20:30.720
I haven't been trained.
00:20:30.960 --> 00:20:37.279
But this is such a powerful exercise that'll get you started and moving along that direction.
00:20:37.519 --> 00:20:42.240
So not trying to fight or eliminate either part of yourself.
00:20:43.359 --> 00:20:53.759
It's just understanding what it needs and finding a way to give it that without doing what we don't desire, which is use meth.
00:20:55.039 --> 00:21:03.359
So then you close in this conversation the way you'd close any real conversation with parts of with anyone else.
00:21:03.599 --> 00:21:07.279
You thank both parts for showing up, for talking to you.
00:21:07.440 --> 00:21:09.759
You tell them, I hear you.
00:21:10.400 --> 00:21:24.240
Even if you don't agree with how they've been going about it, I hear what you're doing, I hear what you're saying, I hear what you want, I understand that I've been giving you permission to do this in the past, but now we're changing directions.
00:21:24.319 --> 00:21:25.839
And then you state your intention.
00:21:26.079 --> 00:21:34.559
I'm going to find healthy ways to get you both happy, to meet the needs of both of you.
00:21:35.279 --> 00:21:36.799
Because you're part of me.
00:21:37.039 --> 00:21:39.519
The part that uses is still me.
00:21:39.839 --> 00:21:41.440
It's a part of me.
00:21:42.720 --> 00:21:44.480
It's not my identity.
00:21:45.759 --> 00:21:50.400
Because the I the real me is mediating between the two.
00:21:51.200 --> 00:21:54.400
So I did, like I said, I did build a worksheet for this.
00:21:55.039 --> 00:21:56.720
It's a two-page worksheet.
00:21:56.960 --> 00:22:04.000
On the first, you're going to map out both parts across those four questions core beliefs, the method, the fear, and the wish.
00:22:04.160 --> 00:22:09.920
And on the second, you find the sentences that give both of them what they want.
00:22:10.559 --> 00:22:14.160
The examples above that we talked about here are already on the sheet.
00:22:14.400 --> 00:22:18.160
So you can see the shape of the work before you do it on your own.
00:22:18.319 --> 00:22:23.839
I'm going to put the link in the study guide to this worksheet.
00:22:24.000 --> 00:22:25.119
It's in Google Sheets.
00:22:25.279 --> 00:22:27.759
Download it, print it, or fill it out on the screen.
00:22:27.839 --> 00:22:30.559
It's a fillable PDF, and you can save it.
00:22:31.599 --> 00:22:33.039
Then do it again.
00:22:33.599 --> 00:22:35.039
Again and again and again.
00:22:35.119 --> 00:22:36.000
Do it again in a month.
00:22:36.160 --> 00:22:37.200
Do it again in a week.
00:22:37.440 --> 00:22:38.720
See what's changed.
00:22:38.960 --> 00:22:40.400
Maybe methods are changing.
00:22:40.640 --> 00:22:44.480
Listen, these parts are you, they change too.
00:22:44.799 --> 00:22:47.359
Maybe it's softer, maybe it's easier the second time.
00:22:47.519 --> 00:22:48.480
Keep doing it.
00:22:48.720 --> 00:22:54.400
Because again, the goal is never to kill that part of you that wants to use, never to fight it.
00:22:54.640 --> 00:23:02.480
The goal is to find out what it's been asking for all along and give it what it wants and give the other parts what it wants.
00:23:03.759 --> 00:23:06.480
Everybody inside you can be happy.
00:23:07.279 --> 00:23:12.640
Acceptance of yourself, love of yourself is pulling these parts closer.
00:23:13.039 --> 00:23:32.640
When you push them away, when the when you know the addiction is doing push-ups in the parking lot, or the monkey on my back, or that's the enemy, or whatever it is, all these comments, all these attitudes about the part of you that uses pushes it away.
00:23:33.119 --> 00:23:40.480
Which means I'm fearing it, I'm hating it, I'm push, I'm I am fragmenting myself.
00:23:41.519 --> 00:23:48.480
If you want peace, contentment, wholeness, then you bring all the parts close.
00:23:49.039 --> 00:23:49.599
All right.
00:23:49.759 --> 00:23:51.119
Hope that helps.
00:23:51.440 --> 00:23:51.920
Love you.
00:23:52.079 --> 00:23:58.400
If you want to join in the conversation, you can comment on Spotify, you can comment on YouTube, you can send me a DM.
00:23:58.480 --> 00:24:03.119
I'm on social media on all platforms at all times.
00:24:04.240 --> 00:24:04.799
All right.
00:24:05.119 --> 00:24:06.960
Have a great week.
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:01.520
Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.199
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:28.239
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:29.519 --> 00:00:31.920
Alright, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:32.000 --> 00:00:33.439
And this solo episode.
00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:37.920
Don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
00:00:38.079 --> 00:00:40.719
As always, the link will be in the show notes.
00:00:40.880 --> 00:00:49.920
Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get it in the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it all around the world.
00:00:50.159 --> 00:00:50.799
All right.
00:00:51.200 --> 00:00:53.039
So let's talk about some things today.
00:00:53.119 --> 00:00:54.640
And I'm going to start it with a story.
00:00:54.719 --> 00:00:56.799
I've been liking these little stories.
00:00:56.960 --> 00:00:57.920
I hope that you have.
00:00:58.240 --> 00:01:00.399
Let me know if you do, let me know if you don't.
00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:08.879
So imagine me, phone in my left hand, thumb scrolling through grinder, cigarette in my right hand, not inhaling.
00:01:09.120 --> 00:01:10.319
Never inhaled cigarettes.
00:01:10.480 --> 00:01:11.359
I don't know why.
00:01:11.519 --> 00:01:13.599
I tried to get addicted to cigarettes.
00:01:13.760 --> 00:01:16.079
Just one thing I could not get addicted to was nicotine.
00:01:16.239 --> 00:01:18.239
But you know, I like the aesthetic of it.
00:01:18.480 --> 00:01:29.359
I had both feet up on the patio banister, and it was a bright Saturday afternoon, and I was having a conversation with a guy on Grinder about partying.
00:01:29.920 --> 00:01:31.439
I was doing the math in my head.
00:01:31.599 --> 00:01:37.760
Okay, so Saturday night into Sunday morning, I could get some rest, be ready for work.
00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:39.840
I think I can make this work.
00:01:40.239 --> 00:01:42.719
One voice said, go for it.
00:01:43.200 --> 00:01:48.560
Another voice, another part of me, said, This is not who you are.
00:01:48.959 --> 00:02:02.239
You're going to lock yourself in this room with this guy who could be in psychosis or look totally different than his pigs for 48 hours, and you are going to regret this on Monday.
00:02:02.400 --> 00:02:10.560
Some people call that the angel and the devil, which I do not, but for uh visual sake, you can imagine that.
00:02:11.120 --> 00:02:13.520
This voice said, Why don't you go hiking today?
00:02:13.680 --> 00:02:15.840
Why don't you call a friend and do something fun?
00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:19.919
Do something that doesn't leave you broken on a weekday.
00:02:20.159 --> 00:02:25.439
And not knowing which voice to listen to, I thought, hmm, well, let me look at his dick pics.
00:02:26.080 --> 00:02:27.599
That'll help me decide.
00:02:27.919 --> 00:02:29.439
So I kept listening.
00:02:29.680 --> 00:02:32.400
Two different voices, two different parts.
00:02:32.639 --> 00:02:37.759
And I was thinking through it, I looked up from his portfolio of nudes.
00:02:38.240 --> 00:02:46.960
If part of me wants to use, and part of me doesn't want to use, then who the hell am I?
00:02:47.680 --> 00:02:49.439
Who's watching these voices?
00:02:49.599 --> 00:02:52.639
Who is the person observing these two parts?
00:02:54.159 --> 00:03:00.479
That was one of the many spiritual epiphanies that I had during my active use.
00:03:01.199 --> 00:03:06.719
It was moments that I pulled on in early recovery that I recalled.
00:03:06.879 --> 00:03:08.560
Still do recall it, obviously.
00:03:08.719 --> 00:03:12.719
And in early recovery, I learned about parts integration.
00:03:13.039 --> 00:03:15.680
And that's what I want to share with you today.
00:03:15.919 --> 00:03:16.560
All right.
00:03:16.800 --> 00:03:30.639
So working with the part of me who wants to use meth revolutionized my recovery, and it helped me develop in a really deep spiritual way, an emotional way too, psychologically.
00:03:30.800 --> 00:03:39.520
It also alleviated a ton of shame that I had developed sitting around in a circle, introducing myself as an addict.
00:03:40.159 --> 00:03:44.719
My soul self is not an addict, okay?
00:03:45.439 --> 00:03:46.479
Can't be.
00:03:46.800 --> 00:03:52.400
A soul light consciousness cannot be an addict.
00:03:52.960 --> 00:03:59.520
However, part of me had developed addictive patterns associated with chemsex.
00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:04.960
A part of me who I created, I programmed, and I nurtured.
00:04:07.199 --> 00:04:14.000
So once I got to know him, I was knowing myself in a deeper level.
00:04:15.120 --> 00:04:22.160
And my entire life became brighter, more open, and most of all, whole.
00:04:22.720 --> 00:04:24.720
More whole, wholeness.
00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:34.800
So I let my clients, or I tell my clients, um, that I don't want to hear them say, I want to use, or I have a craving.
00:04:35.040 --> 00:04:39.439
Instead, we say, a part of me wants to use.
00:04:39.839 --> 00:04:43.360
A part of me is experiencing a craving.
00:04:44.560 --> 00:04:52.560
I get eyes rolling at me a lot, and you might be rolling your eyes listening to this, but it makes a big difference.
00:04:53.199 --> 00:05:00.639
This allows you to begin a dialogue with that part and separate your whole identity from the behavior.
00:05:00.879 --> 00:05:03.360
All right, so how do we dialogue with this part?
00:05:04.800 --> 00:05:08.079
So once you name it, then you can go a little deeper.
00:05:08.240 --> 00:05:11.040
You can actually have a conversation with this part.
00:05:11.680 --> 00:05:14.079
So I like to personify it.
00:05:14.160 --> 00:05:16.160
So the first method is personification.
00:05:16.240 --> 00:05:21.680
So I want you to ask yourself, what does this part that wants to use, what is he what does he look like, he, she, they?
00:05:22.079 --> 00:05:23.279
What do they look like?
00:05:23.519 --> 00:05:31.920
Does it have a shape, a color, a texture, an age, a gender, a expression, an essence?
00:05:32.560 --> 00:05:39.920
Some men see it as a shadow or some type of reflection of themselves or a younger version of themselves.
00:05:40.079 --> 00:05:44.160
Some see it as something protective, like maybe it's armor.
00:05:44.319 --> 00:05:48.000
Some see it as something like a hungry ghost, right?
00:05:48.319 --> 00:05:50.480
Or a wolf or something like that.
00:05:50.639 --> 00:05:51.920
But don't overthink it.
00:05:52.160 --> 00:05:57.279
The image that comes up is typically going to be the right image.
00:05:57.439 --> 00:06:01.360
Now, once you see it, you give it a name.
00:06:02.160 --> 00:06:08.160
A lot of you will see it as something evil at first, and then give it some evil name.
00:06:08.319 --> 00:06:09.120
Try not to.
00:06:09.279 --> 00:06:12.240
Try not to give it an evil name because you're giving yourself an evil name.
00:06:12.399 --> 00:06:14.079
You're calling yourself something evil.
00:06:14.240 --> 00:06:20.879
You know, when we say Tina the Bitch or whatever, or the devil part of me, that's just working against yourself.
00:06:21.040 --> 00:06:22.560
This is all parts of you.
00:06:22.800 --> 00:06:22.959
Right?
00:06:23.120 --> 00:06:28.079
And if you're familiar with um internalized family systems, there are no bad parts.
00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:33.839
So just think of a word or name that would describe the essence of the part that wants to use.
00:06:33.920 --> 00:06:37.040
Now you can ask it questions because it's separate from you and you can imagine it.
00:06:37.199 --> 00:06:38.480
So what do you want?
00:06:39.040 --> 00:06:39.680
Part?
00:06:40.240 --> 00:06:42.319
What are you protecting me from?
00:06:43.680 --> 00:06:46.399
What were you programmed to do?
00:06:46.879 --> 00:06:49.920
And why did that make sense at the time?
00:06:50.959 --> 00:06:51.839
Big questions.
00:06:52.079 --> 00:06:54.160
Okay, so a second method could be a letter.
00:06:54.639 --> 00:06:58.240
You write to this part, and you can ask it directly, what is it that you really want?
00:06:58.560 --> 00:06:59.120
A part?
00:07:00.160 --> 00:07:01.360
It's not meth.
00:07:02.319 --> 00:07:04.800
Meth is the delivery system, and it's not sex.
00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:07.439
Probably.
00:07:08.240 --> 00:07:10.000
Meth is the vehicle.
00:07:10.560 --> 00:07:14.319
But understand that your part wants something deeper.
00:07:14.959 --> 00:07:16.399
It wants safety for you.
00:07:16.560 --> 00:07:18.240
It wants connection for you.
00:07:18.480 --> 00:07:20.639
It wants to numb out the pain for you.
00:07:20.879 --> 00:07:24.399
It wants to give you pleasure, power, visibility, rest.
00:07:25.759 --> 00:07:29.519
So write the questions down, then allow that part to answer.
00:07:29.680 --> 00:07:31.519
So then you write from that part.
00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:35.759
Some people say to use your non-dominant hand when you're writing from that part.
00:07:35.920 --> 00:07:41.600
There's something about crossing that threshold into the other side of your brain that lets the answers come a little more freely.
00:07:41.839 --> 00:07:46.079
But write out this part, what this part's telling you.
00:07:46.240 --> 00:07:47.600
And then write back.
00:07:47.839 --> 00:07:50.480
You're having a conversation on the page.
00:07:50.800 --> 00:07:53.680
Sounds kind of silly, but it really isn't when you start doing it.
00:07:53.839 --> 00:08:06.480
So a letter to this part, a letter from this part, back and forth, until you understand, until you have come to an agreement or some type of at least a better knowing, right?
00:08:06.639 --> 00:08:08.720
A better relationship, rapport.
00:08:08.879 --> 00:08:11.279
So the third method is a meditative ask.
00:08:11.439 --> 00:08:13.040
I like this one myself.
00:08:13.279 --> 00:08:18.160
You don't write, you sit and you ask the question in your mind, what is it that you want?
00:08:18.720 --> 00:08:19.759
You picture it.
00:08:19.839 --> 00:08:24.000
Maybe you picture it in a chair next to you, or in the same room, or we're sitting beside you.
00:08:24.079 --> 00:08:25.120
What do you need?
00:08:25.439 --> 00:08:26.639
And you wait.
00:08:27.120 --> 00:08:30.720
You stay in that quiet, be receptive.
00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:34.159
The answers sometimes just come, they bubble up.
00:08:34.639 --> 00:08:49.120
Sometimes it's a word or a vision, sometimes it's an image or a feeling, sometimes it's a just a whole set of words or conversation that you didn't wouldn't even expect.
00:08:49.440 --> 00:08:54.879
All three of these methods are doing the same thing, though.
00:08:55.200 --> 00:08:59.679
They're turning a craving into a conversation.
00:09:01.440 --> 00:09:12.960
They're turning this fragmentation you're experiencing of this part, that part, this part into listening and integrating and mediating, learning.
00:09:14.080 --> 00:09:22.320
Cause listen, what you say after I am matters more than you think.
00:09:24.080 --> 00:09:32.240
When you say a part of me wants to use, you're telling yourself the absolute truth.
00:09:33.519 --> 00:09:44.480
When you say I'm having a craving, you're still separating yourself from it a little bit, right?
00:09:45.440 --> 00:09:52.240
I'm having, I'm experiencing, a part of me is experiencing a craving, not I am the craving.
00:09:52.799 --> 00:09:55.120
It's my craving, right?
00:09:56.399 --> 00:10:03.120
When it's not yours, when it's separate from, you get to observe it and have a conversation with it and learn from it.
00:10:03.519 --> 00:10:11.519
When you say, I am an addict or I am an alcoholic, you've just made that part your whole identity.
00:10:11.759 --> 00:10:19.600
You've claimed in your soul, your soul self, that that's who you've always been, and that's who you'll always be.
00:10:19.840 --> 00:10:21.440
You've made it permanent.
00:10:21.679 --> 00:10:23.679
You've made it a life sentence.
00:10:24.720 --> 00:10:29.919
Your soul self, your truest light, is not an addict.
00:10:30.559 --> 00:10:33.120
It never was and it never will be.
00:10:33.360 --> 00:10:34.960
It doesn't want to use.
00:10:35.120 --> 00:10:43.519
And listen, if you're listening to this podcast, if you are in my program, if you are reading my emails, you don't want to use.
00:10:48.879 --> 00:10:58.960
Every time you sit in a room and you say these words, I am an addict, every time you repeat them, you're reinforcing the program.
00:11:00.960 --> 00:11:03.840
And you're getting deeper into that identity.
00:11:04.159 --> 00:11:07.759
And I'll bet you there are ways it's showing up.
00:11:09.360 --> 00:11:16.639
And you're telling your nervous system, your subconscious mind, your whole being, this is what you are.
00:11:17.279 --> 00:11:19.759
You are destined to be an addict.
00:11:19.840 --> 00:11:21.200
It's a life sentence.
00:11:21.360 --> 00:11:24.080
You're always on guard, you're never going to get better.
00:11:24.240 --> 00:11:25.120
This is permanent.
00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:27.279
This is who you will always be.
00:11:27.919 --> 00:11:29.840
And that's why the language matters.
00:11:30.000 --> 00:11:35.519
That's why a part of me changes everything for you.
00:11:35.679 --> 00:11:42.159
And you will feel an immediate relief in your nervous system when you say, a part of me wants to use.
00:11:42.559 --> 00:11:46.080
Because it keeps the truth intact.
00:11:46.240 --> 00:11:49.919
Your true self is not labeled.
00:11:51.039 --> 00:11:56.559
Nowhere inside you are you going to find a label that says addict.
00:12:00.879 --> 00:12:04.080
So when you say a part of me, it keeps the door open.
00:12:04.159 --> 00:12:05.200
It keeps you free.
00:12:05.440 --> 00:12:08.639
All right, so let's talk about integrating these two parts.
00:12:09.440 --> 00:12:11.039
So there are two parts, right?
00:12:11.200 --> 00:12:14.240
One who wants to use and one who doesn't want to use.
00:12:14.720 --> 00:12:16.960
But neither one of them are actually you.
00:12:17.519 --> 00:12:19.360
You get to be the mediator.
00:12:19.840 --> 00:12:22.639
So I want you to picture an infinity symbol.
00:12:23.440 --> 00:12:25.519
And if you get the study guide, you'll see it.
00:12:25.679 --> 00:12:30.399
Your soul self sits in the center, watching your true light.
00:12:30.639 --> 00:12:34.799
On one side, the part that wants to use, on the other side, the part that doesn't want to use.
00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:47.519
Both were formed from conditioning in your life because oftentimes the part that doesn't want to use also is a shaming part, an inner critic part.
00:12:49.200 --> 00:12:53.039
You have to be really careful about the tone and the frequency of the part that doesn't want to use.
00:12:53.200 --> 00:12:54.240
It is not good.
00:12:54.480 --> 00:12:56.799
Neither one of them are good or bad.
00:12:57.279 --> 00:13:00.080
But they are both trying to protect you in some way.
00:13:01.039 --> 00:13:16.799
So when you're not connected to your center, your full self, when you stop labeling yourself, your true self, if you're not there, that you you will get pulled back and forth along that loop over and over.
00:13:17.039 --> 00:13:22.159
And some men get stuck using and staying stuck in that loop for years.
00:13:23.600 --> 00:13:25.919
So you don't pick a side.
00:13:26.480 --> 00:13:29.759
You get curious about both sides.
00:13:30.399 --> 00:13:33.600
So let me show you how this works in one way.
00:13:33.759 --> 00:13:40.320
And I'm going to use a real client's example, not his name or anything, but he did give me permission to share the work we did together.
00:13:40.480 --> 00:13:48.080
So you're going to find a link to a worksheet in the study guide for this practice.
00:13:48.320 --> 00:13:48.639
Okay?
00:13:48.879 --> 00:13:50.720
This is a worksheet that I use in my program.
00:13:50.799 --> 00:14:04.720
So you're going to ask each part a question and then integrate the answers so that both sides get what they want, and you are finally in control of your life's direction.
00:14:05.039 --> 00:14:05.360
Okay.
00:14:05.759 --> 00:14:08.399
First your question is what is your core belief?
00:14:08.639 --> 00:14:10.159
You're going to ask each side.
00:14:10.399 --> 00:14:13.759
The part that wants to use, these are the examples from my client.
00:14:14.080 --> 00:14:20.240
His core belief, the part that wants to use, said, We love the euphoric and naughty sex on meth.
00:14:20.639 --> 00:14:28.879
The part that doesn't want to use said, the connectedness and chemistry of sober sex is way more powerful and fulfilling.
00:14:29.600 --> 00:14:31.360
So you don't want to pick a side.
00:14:37.519 --> 00:14:39.120
Again, neither one is wrong.
00:14:39.279 --> 00:14:42.080
One wants euphoria, one wants connection.
00:14:42.480 --> 00:14:44.159
They're not working against each other.
00:14:44.240 --> 00:14:48.159
They're both pointing at the same thing from different sides.
00:14:48.559 --> 00:14:50.320
They want to help you.
00:14:50.799 --> 00:14:52.720
So an integrated belief.
00:14:52.879 --> 00:14:55.120
This is when you put them together.
00:14:55.440 --> 00:15:03.360
The example we came up with was sober connected sex can be euphoric and naughty.
00:15:03.759 --> 00:15:04.720
There you go.
00:15:04.960 --> 00:15:07.759
The whole fight resolved.
00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:12.799
You've mediated, you've given them both what they want, and freeing you.
00:15:13.519 --> 00:15:17.279
So nothing was eliminated or defeated.
00:15:17.440 --> 00:15:18.559
There's no battle.
00:15:18.799 --> 00:15:21.360
Both parts got what they asked for.
00:15:21.759 --> 00:15:23.919
So then we talk about the method.
00:15:24.240 --> 00:15:25.840
Okay, part that wants to use.
00:15:25.919 --> 00:15:27.120
What's your method?
00:15:27.600 --> 00:15:30.480
I continuously pitch ideas.
00:15:31.279 --> 00:15:38.240
So this part that wants to use, he was saying that the client was saying it was continually giving him new ideas to how to use, right?
00:15:38.320 --> 00:15:40.480
Or we could always do this and we could always do that, right?
00:15:40.559 --> 00:15:41.360
But we could do here.
00:15:41.519 --> 00:15:44.879
The part that doesn't want to use, patient.
00:15:45.360 --> 00:15:50.320
There was an open invitation to find dopamine in other ways.
00:15:50.559 --> 00:15:54.879
Okay, so one is very loud and relentless, like here's this idea, here's this idea.
00:15:55.039 --> 00:15:56.320
One is patient.
00:15:56.960 --> 00:16:04.399
But both are trying to get him to a feeling, to protect him, to give him something.
00:16:04.720 --> 00:16:07.279
So we came up with an integrated method.
00:16:07.519 --> 00:16:11.440
So when you write the integrated method, you'll see this on the worksheet.
00:16:11.679 --> 00:16:15.200
You frame it as when I feel, comma, I find.
00:16:16.000 --> 00:16:26.960
So when I feel ideas to use, okay, I find my own dopamine hit in another way.
00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:30.399
The method isn't, right?
00:16:30.559 --> 00:16:32.639
The method isn't fight the pitch.
00:16:32.799 --> 00:16:38.480
It's hear the pitches and go get the thing both are asking for.
00:16:46.960 --> 00:16:50.799
When I feel ideas to use, this is for him.
00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:57.279
So when he starts hearing those ideas to use, I find my own dopamine hits.
00:16:57.440 --> 00:16:59.840
He goes and knows, he has a plan.
00:17:00.240 --> 00:17:03.120
How am I going to get dopamine in another way?
00:17:03.360 --> 00:17:12.000
And that will satisfy the part that wants to use, who's giving you ideas on dopamine, and it satisfies the part that doesn't want to use, because it's getting his dopamine.
00:17:12.160 --> 00:17:13.920
Two, you are in charge.
00:17:17.440 --> 00:17:19.279
So then we look at the fears.
00:17:19.599 --> 00:17:21.839
Part that wants to use, what's your fear?
00:17:23.680 --> 00:17:27.119
He fears that you're going to be bored and dull.
00:17:27.839 --> 00:17:33.039
The part that doesn't want to use says, I fear that you will be unfulfilled.
00:17:35.359 --> 00:17:36.960
How do I integrate that?
00:17:38.000 --> 00:17:39.279
So it's the same fear.
00:17:39.920 --> 00:17:43.119
I'm going to be bored and dull, and I'm going to be unfulfilled.
00:17:43.359 --> 00:17:50.880
Both parts are terrified of a flat gray life for our client, for this person.
00:17:52.480 --> 00:17:55.920
So with the fears, you want to name the opposite.
00:17:56.799 --> 00:17:57.279
Right?
00:17:57.920 --> 00:18:00.240
It's the presence of what you actually want.
00:18:00.480 --> 00:18:03.839
So our opposites were I belong.
00:18:04.960 --> 00:18:10.480
I am welcomed, I am interesting, and I am content.
00:18:11.680 --> 00:18:15.440
Those are the opposite of the fears that both parts have.
00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:23.519
So you take those opposites, and then you find all the evidence that will support them.
00:18:24.160 --> 00:18:24.960
I belong.
00:18:25.119 --> 00:18:26.079
Where do you belong?
00:18:26.240 --> 00:18:30.319
Find a place in your life where you belong and anchor into that.
00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:33.200
I'm welcomed.
00:18:33.279 --> 00:18:34.160
Where are you welcomed?
00:18:34.240 --> 00:18:34.960
I'm interesting.
00:18:35.039 --> 00:18:35.759
I'm content.
00:18:36.079 --> 00:18:43.440
You make it your mission every day to find evidence of those being true.
00:18:43.680 --> 00:18:47.039
And that alleviates the fears both have.
00:18:47.839 --> 00:18:58.480
Because if you feel belonging and you anchor into that every day and you find the evidence, look, I belong here in this group, I belong with this person.
00:18:59.680 --> 00:19:07.279
Even if it's your dog, then you're not feeding the fear of the part that wants to use.
00:19:07.839 --> 00:19:09.359
I hope this is making sense.
00:19:09.519 --> 00:19:09.920
All right.
00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:11.599
Then we go into the wishes.
00:19:11.759 --> 00:19:14.319
What do the what wish do these parts have?
00:19:14.559 --> 00:19:23.359
So when we asked the part that wants to use for him, the part that wants to use says, I wish that you have an exciting life.
00:19:24.799 --> 00:19:30.960
The part that doesn't want to use says, I wish for you to be thriving.
00:19:32.799 --> 00:19:40.799
So the that's the part you've been calling your enemy that's wishing you have an exciting life.
00:19:40.960 --> 00:19:45.039
The part that wants to use just wanted him to have an exciting life.
00:19:45.920 --> 00:19:49.039
So the integrated wishes are the same.
00:19:49.359 --> 00:19:50.640
I want you to be safe.
00:19:50.799 --> 00:19:52.000
I wish you to be loved.
00:19:52.160 --> 00:19:54.319
I wish you to have an exciting life.
00:19:54.640 --> 00:19:57.119
I wish you to be thriving.
00:19:57.680 --> 00:20:00.880
You take these wishes and you just use them and you love them.
00:20:00.960 --> 00:20:04.160
And like, oh, both parts want the best for me.
00:20:04.400 --> 00:20:07.119
An exciting life and a thriving life.
00:20:07.759 --> 00:20:08.319
Wow.
00:20:08.480 --> 00:20:10.559
So this is that's integration.
00:20:11.200 --> 00:20:18.160
Although we could say this is integration light, because these this is really the very basic steps in this process.
00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:23.839
Remember, I am not, I'm not helping you get, I'm helping you get ready for therapy.
00:20:24.000 --> 00:20:25.759
I am not therapizing you.
00:20:25.920 --> 00:20:29.200
So I'm not going deep into internalized family systems.
00:20:29.359 --> 00:20:30.720
I haven't been trained.
00:20:30.960 --> 00:20:37.279
But this is such a powerful exercise that'll get you started and moving along that direction.
00:20:37.519 --> 00:20:42.240
So not trying to fight or eliminate either part of yourself.
00:20:43.359 --> 00:20:53.759
It's just understanding what it needs and finding a way to give it that without doing what we don't desire, which is use meth.
00:20:55.039 --> 00:21:03.359
So then you close in this conversation the way you'd close any real conversation with parts of with anyone else.
00:21:03.599 --> 00:21:07.279
You thank both parts for showing up, for talking to you.
00:21:07.440 --> 00:21:09.759
You tell them, I hear you.
00:21:10.400 --> 00:21:24.240
Even if you don't agree with how they've been going about it, I hear what you're doing, I hear what you're saying, I hear what you want, I understand that I've been giving you permission to do this in the past, but now we're changing directions.
00:21:24.319 --> 00:21:25.839
And then you state your intention.
00:21:26.079 --> 00:21:34.559
I'm going to find healthy ways to get you both happy, to meet the needs of both of you.
00:21:35.279 --> 00:21:36.799
Because you're part of me.
00:21:37.039 --> 00:21:39.519
The part that uses is still me.
00:21:39.839 --> 00:21:41.440
It's a part of me.
00:21:42.720 --> 00:21:44.480
It's not my identity.
00:21:45.759 --> 00:21:50.400
Because the I the real me is mediating between the two.
00:21:51.200 --> 00:21:54.400
So I did, like I said, I did build a worksheet for this.
00:21:55.039 --> 00:21:56.720
It's a two-page worksheet.
00:21:56.960 --> 00:22:04.000
On the first, you're going to map out both parts across those four questions core beliefs, the method, the fear, and the wish.
00:22:04.160 --> 00:22:09.920
And on the second, you find the sentences that give both of them what they want.
00:22:10.559 --> 00:22:14.160
The examples above that we talked about here are already on the sheet.
00:22:14.400 --> 00:22:18.160
So you can see the shape of the work before you do it on your own.
00:22:18.319 --> 00:22:23.839
I'm going to put the link in the study guide to this worksheet.
00:22:24.000 --> 00:22:25.119
It's in Google Sheets.
00:22:25.279 --> 00:22:27.759
Download it, print it, or fill it out on the screen.
00:22:27.839 --> 00:22:30.559
It's a fillable PDF, and you can save it.
00:22:31.599 --> 00:22:33.039
Then do it again.
00:22:33.599 --> 00:22:35.039
Again and again and again.
00:22:35.119 --> 00:22:36.000
Do it again in a month.
00:22:36.160 --> 00:22:37.200
Do it again in a week.
00:22:37.440 --> 00:22:38.720
See what's changed.
00:22:38.960 --> 00:22:40.400
Maybe methods are changing.
00:22:40.640 --> 00:22:44.480
Listen, these parts are you, they change too.
00:22:44.799 --> 00:22:47.359
Maybe it's softer, maybe it's easier the second time.
00:22:47.519 --> 00:22:48.480
Keep doing it.
00:22:48.720 --> 00:22:54.400
Because again, the goal is never to kill that part of you that wants to use, never to fight it.
00:22:54.640 --> 00:23:02.480
The goal is to find out what it's been asking for all along and give it what it wants and give the other parts what it wants.
00:23:03.759 --> 00:23:06.480
Everybody inside you can be happy.
00:23:07.279 --> 00:23:12.640
Acceptance of yourself, love of yourself is pulling these parts closer.
00:23:13.039 --> 00:23:32.640
When you push them away, when the when you know the addiction is doing push-ups in the parking lot, or the monkey on my back, or that's the enemy, or whatever it is, all these comments, all these attitudes about the part of you that uses pushes it away.
00:23:33.119 --> 00:23:40.480
Which means I'm fearing it, I'm hating it, I'm push, I'm I am fragmenting myself.
00:23:41.519 --> 00:23:48.480
If you want peace, contentment, wholeness, then you bring all the parts close.
00:23:49.039 --> 00:23:49.599
All right.
00:23:49.759 --> 00:23:51.119
Hope that helps.
00:23:51.440 --> 00:23:51.920
Love you.
00:23:52.079 --> 00:23:58.400
If you want to join in the conversation, you can comment on Spotify, you can comment on YouTube, you can send me a DM.
00:23:58.480 --> 00:24:03.119
I'm on social media on all platforms at all times.
00:24:04.240 --> 00:24:04.799
All right.
00:24:05.119 --> 00:24:06.960
Have a great week.
