Episode 144: Boundaries Aren't Selfish, They're Necessary

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Welcome to another episode of K-12 Education Untangled.
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My name is Dr Kim J Fields, former corporate manager turned education researcher and advocate, and I'm the host of this podcast.
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I got into this space after dealing with some frustrating interactions with school educators and administrators, as well as experiencing the microaggressions that I faced as an African American mom raising my two kids, who were in the public school system.
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I really wanted to understand how teachers were trained and what the research provided about the challenges of the public education system.
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Once I gained the information and the insights that I needed, I was then equipped to be able to successfully support my children in their educational progress.
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This battle-tested experience is what I provide as action steps for you to take.
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It's like enjoying a bowl of educational research with a sprinkling of mother wisdom on top.
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If you're looking to find out more about current information and issues in public education that could affect you and your children, and the action steps that you can take to give your children the advantages they need, then you're in the right place.
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Thanks for tuning in today.
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I know that staying informed about K-12 public education trends and topics is important to you, so keep listening.
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Give me 30 minutes and I'll untangle the latest trends, issues and topics pertaining to this constantly evolving K-12 public education environment.
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In this episode, I'll be sharing my thoughts about the importance of setting boundaries.
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Anyone who knows me even for a short amount of time knows that I have no interest in the latest political craziness that's going on in America and what's being reported on a daily basis in the media.
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And what's being reported on a daily basis in the media.
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My husband, however, has an affinity to listen to this negativity and shares the latest news as well as his fears about these situations.
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It's as if he has some magnet that attracts him to bad news and negativity.
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I've told him several times that I have no interest in hearing this noise.
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However, he didn't really seem to get it until I set a firm boundary about not expressing the latest foolishness with me.
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I also let him know that I would not be participating in any conversations around these topics.
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Did he like that?
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I set that boundary, no, but I didn't set it for him.
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What it did do was change the topic of conversation when he wanted to talk to me.
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I let him know that talking about politics disturbs my spirit and setting a boundary around that area helps me maintain my mental wellness and well-being.
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This means that he'll have to change what he wants to talk to me about.
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Oh well, is it likely that he'll still try to insert some updates about politics when talking to me?
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Sure, but at that time I'll simply reiterate my boundary.
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I discuss why it's necessary to set boundaries in your personal and professional life in this episode.
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Let's untangle this.
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Setting boundaries will set you free, and here's the number one reason why most people don't set boundaries the fear of someone getting mad at them.
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But I ask you, is their getting mad a you problem or a them problem?
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So what are boundaries?
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Boundaries are the limits that we set to protect our personal space, emotions, time and digital presence.
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They're essential because they help us maintain a sense of identity, protect our well-being and ensure respectful interactions in both personal and professional settings.
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Boundaries are basically the expectations and meaning that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.
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According to therapist Nedrick Lover-Trawag, there are certain signs that let you know that you need to establish boundaries.
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These signs include when you feel overwhelmed.
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When you feel resentment toward people for asking for your help.
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When you avoid phone calls and interactions with people you think might ask something of you.
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When you make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return and getting nothing in return, when you feel burned out and when you frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing because you have no time for yourself, these are all signs that you need to set boundaries.
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What happens when you don't set boundaries?
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Well, you begin to feel taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed and bitter, all of which are the result of resentment that you feel because you didn't set any limits, and being resentful impacts the way you deal with people.
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It breeds conflicts, it can make you paranoid and it can cause you to put up a wall.
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In fact, long-term resentment affects how you perceive the intention of others.
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It shows up in things when you feel like you're doing something out of obligation for others instead of out of just the pure joy of helping.
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And let's be real resentment can be palpable.
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There are different types of boundaries, and each type has its significance.
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One type of boundary are physical boundaries.
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These involve personal space and physical touch.
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They're crucial for feeling safe and comfortable in your environment.
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For example, my home office is my personal sanctuary.
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I set it up that way by intent, and I have things placed in areas around my office in the way that I want, because these things make me feel comfortable.
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The furnishings I have in my office, the knickknacks and mementos that I have in there, are there for a reason and I don't like them to be disturbed.
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Another type of boundary is emotional boundaries.
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These protect your emotional well-being by allowing you to separate your feelings from others.
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They help in managing emotional responses and avoiding burnout.
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I mentioned this earlier, but understanding what's a you problem and what's a me problem is very important for establishing emotional boundaries.
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It helps you to identify the monkeys that you allow to hang around your neck and what things you won't allow to be placed on your neck or your back.
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The third type of boundary are time boundaries.
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These involve managing how you spend your time, ensuring you have enough time for work, rest and leisure.
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They're vital for productivity and avoiding over-commitment.
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Take an inventory or make a list of everything you need to do at work and at home for just one week.
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How long does it take you to accomplish each task During this exercise?
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Identify what you really have to do and what can be delegated.
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You might be surprised at how much time you can actually save by refining your to-do list.
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The fourth type of boundary involves digital boundaries.
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These relate to your online presence and how you manage digital interactions.
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They help in preventing digital overload and maintaining privacy.
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A good practice is to monitor how many hours a day you spend on social media, and of course, there are apps to help you track that social media and of course, there are apps to help you track that.
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Another good practice is to not sleep with your phone on the nightstand next to your bed.
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One last practice that you can incorporate is to implement a morning routine that doesn't involve social media.
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Whether that's prayer, meditation, reading spiritual texts, stretching or journaling, any of these activities help set your day up for one that's productive and energetic.
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The best part is that none of these practices are about responding to the world's or other people's requests or crises.
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The benefits of setting boundaries include improved mental health.
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Boundaries help reduce stress and anxiety by preventing overwhelm and ensuring you have time for self-care.
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Another benefit of setting boundaries is increased productivity.
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By setting limits on your time and energy, you can focus better on tasks and avoid distractions.
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One last benefit that I'll mention right now of setting boundaries is better work-life balance.
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Boundaries ensure that you have time for both work and personal life, preventing burnout and promoting overall well-being.
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A boundary is a cue to others for how to treat you.
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Now.
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Communicating your boundaries is a different topic unto itself, but there are some things to consider.
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First, be clear and direct about your boundary that you're setting.
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Use I statements to express your needs clearly.
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Stay calm and respectful by approaching the conversation with empathy and understanding.
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And finally, be consistent when communicating boundaries.
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Reinforce your boundaries regularly to ensure they are respected.
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The process of knowing when you have a boundary issue, communicating the need for a boundary and following up with action is a process that isn't always pretty, and dealing with what comes after can be quite uncomfortable.
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But the more you do it, the easier it gets.
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But the more you do it, the easier it gets, especially when you experience the peace of mind that follows.
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These are some of the reasons why people don't respect your boundaries, according to Nedger Glover, twop.
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You don't take yourself seriously, you don't hold people accountable, you apologize for setting boundaries, you allow too much flexibility, you speak in uncertain terms, you haven't verbalized your boundaries because they're all in your head.
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You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough and you assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.
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These are the reasons people don't respect your boundaries.
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There are common challenges to setting those boundaries and ways to overcome them.
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One common challenge is guilt, or fear of rejection.
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The way to overcome that is to remind yourself that boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships.
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Another common challenge is pushback from others.
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To overcome that, stand firm and reiterate your boundaries if they are challenged.
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Yet another common challenge is internal resistance.
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You can overcome this by practicing self-compassion and reminding yourself of the benefits of boundaries.
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Other challenges include people ignoring your boundary, rationalizing and questioning your boundary, defensiveness, ghosting people, giving you the silent treatment and, ultimately, acceptance.
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Regardless of these common challenges, there's a significant reason to set boundaries.
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You need to set boundaries because they are a safeguard to overextending yourself.
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They are a self-care practice.
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They define roles in relationships.
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They communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in relationships.
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They are parameters for knowing what to expect in relationships.
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They're a way that you ask people to show up by upholding your needs.
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They are a way to communicate your needs to others.
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They are a way to create healthy relationships.
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They are a way to create clarity and they are a way to feel safe.
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The meaning of boundaries as described in this list comes from several therapists, including Nedra Glover Tuvav.
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So once you've set boundaries, how can you maintain those boundaries?
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One way to maintain boundaries is through regular reflection.
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Periodically assess your boundaries to ensure they are still serving you.
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Your boundaries can change as you grow through personal development.
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In other words, boundaries grow and expand over time as your needs change.
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Another way to maintain boundaries is through adaptability.
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Be willing to adjust boundaries as circumstances change.
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Another way to maintain boundaries is through self-advocacy.
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Continue to communicate and enforce your boundaries.
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There are two steps in setting boundaries communication and action.
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Explicitly stating what you expect is a great way to communicate your boundaries.
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This means that there's little room for others to misinterpret what works for you.
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This can be as simple as letting someone know that you're uncomfortable with their tone.
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Setting this boundary helps the person understand how they speak to you is important, and it also tells them how you expect to be treated.
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Boundaries are often the cure for most relationship problems.
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Both people in a relationship have to participate and respect boundaries on either side.
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These are the signs of an unhealthy relationship 1.
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You are unable to express your needs because the other person refuses to listen.
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Two, the other person refuses to meet reasonable requests.
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Three there's emotional, physical or sexual abuse.
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Four you feel sad, angry, drained or disappointed after most interactions.
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Five the relationship is one-sided you give and they take.
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Six there's a lack of trust in the relationship.
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Seven the other person refuses to change some unhealthy behaviors.
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And eight the other person has an addiction or mental illness that is harmful to you.
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There's a connection between self-care and boundaries.
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Setting boundaries is a form of self-care because it prioritizes your needs and well-being.
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It allows you to recharge and maintain a healthy balance between giving to others and taking care of yourself.
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The root of self-care is setting boundaries.
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This means saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical and mental well-being.
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And now I'll switch over for a brief discussion about challenges in remote environments.
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As far as setting boundaries, basically there's a blurred line between work and home, especially when you work remotely.
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Set specific work hours and create a dedicated workspace.
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If you work from 8 to 5, for example, with a lunch break between 1230 to 130,.
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Explicitly state that you can also put an automated message out that when you leave the office at five o'clock, you'll respond to emails when you return to the office the next day.
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Without setting these clear boundaries, you are letting your co-workers, team leaders and others know that you're available at all times and all days, and this is not a good message to send because it leads to burnout.
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The other aspect of challenges in remote environments involves increased digital communication.
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The goal is to limit screen time and set boundaries for digital interactions.
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Your phone is a device for communications digitally.
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However, it is not available at all times when you're out of the office.
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If that practice continues, there's really no boundary between work and personal life, and there has to be a boundary between them.
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Is setting boundaries something that you struggle with?
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Where are you in need of boundaries right now?
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Are you in need of boundaries right now?
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Take the time right now, yes, while you're listening to this episode, to make a mental note of three places or three relationships where you'd like to set a boundary.
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As is the usual case with these personal, thought-provoking episodes that I provide at the end of each month, I end this episode with either relevant quotes or a clean joke.
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I share this joke for your amusement.
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A woman came home screeching her car into the driveway and ran into the house.
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She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs to her husband Pack your bags.
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I won the lottery.
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The husband said oh my God, what should I pack?
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Beach stuff or mountain stuff?
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It doesn't matter.
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She said Just get out.
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And that wraps up the final episode of season three.
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We'll be taking a summer break now and we'll be back September 2nd with the first episode of season four.
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In the meantime, the first episode of Season 4.
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In the meantime, enjoy some of the other episodes from my catalog.
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Did you enjoy this episode?
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If so, go to my podcast website at k12educationuntangledbuzzsproutcom and leave me a text message about how you're enjoying my show.
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That's k12educationuntangledbuzzsproutcom.
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Go to the episode description page and click on the send me a text message link Again, it's k12educationuntangledbuzzsproutcom and leave me a text message today.
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Thanks for listening to this episode.
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I hope you'll come back for more K-12 educational discussions with even more exciting topics to untangle.
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Until next time, aim to learn something new every day.
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Enjoy your summer.