00:00:12Welcome to Just Breathe Parenting
00:10:37Understanding Allyship
00:17:45Embracing Discomfort in Learning
00:27:20Understanding Allyship and Inclusivity
00:35:26Understanding Equality and Equity
ABOUT THIS EPISODE
Are you wondering how to truly support LGBTQ teens beyond simply saying “I’m an ally”?
For many parents, allyship can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing or unsure how to advocate for your LGBTQ child in everyday life. In this episode, Heather shares practical, compassionate guidance to help parents move from good intentions to meaningful LGBTQ allyship that builds trust, safety, and connection.
In this episode, you’ll learn how to:
- Become a stronger ally for LGBTQ teens through everyday actions that create emotional safety
- Avoid common mistakes parents and allies make when responding to gay, queer, lesbian, or transgender loved ones
- Build confidence advocating for LGBTQ inclusion at home, in schools, online, and in your community
Press play to discover simple but powerful ways parents can practice authentic allyship and become the safe, supportive advocate LGBTQ teens truly need.
Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!
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Listen to *NEW* episodes every Tuesday and Friday!
At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and grow their capacity for courageous, compassionate connection.
For parents, allies, and those pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.
Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in, I see you. And I’m so glad you’re part of this journey.
More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen is a safe and supportive podcast in a heartfelt and empowering space where a mom and advocate offers practical guidance and education to parents and allies, fostering empathy, kindness, love, and strong boundaries while supporting LGBTQ teens and the diverse LGBTQ community—including gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, transgender, and queer individuals—through conversations about mental health, grief, gender identity, sexual orientation, human rights, social justice, parenting, parent support, and meaningful LGBTQ allyship and allyship in action.
This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:
Podscribe - https://podscribe.com/privacy
English
United States
SHOW NOTES 🔗
TRANSCRIPT 🔗
Heather Hester
00:01:25
Welcome to Just Breathe Parenting youg LGBTQ Team, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child.
Heather Hester
00:01:38
My name is Heather Hester, and I am so grateful you are here.
Heather Hester
00:01:42
I want you to take a deep breath and know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the Just Breathe nest.
Heather Hester
00:01:52
Whether today's show is an amazing guest or me sharing stories, resources, strategies, or lessons I've learned along our journey, I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop, having a cozy chat.
Heather Hester
00:02:09
Most of all, I want you to remember that, that wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.
Heather Hester
00:02:27
Welcome to Just Breathe.
Heather Hester
00:02:29
I am so happy that you are here today.
Heather Hester
00:02:32
It is the last Tuesday of June and my last episode for Pride Month 2022, and it has just so much fun doing all of the different episodes that I've done for this month, as well as the social media that I hope you've all had a chance to check out.
Heather Hester
00:02:59
My daughter Isabel, actually helped me a lot with this.
Heather Hester
00:03:05
And every day of this month, we have featured somebody who has had who has just made it so much easier for our kids, who has done something special, who has been an advocate, who has been an activist, who has just made their mark for the LGBTQIA community in a way that needs to be recognized.
Heather Hester
00:03:35
And so some people have been people that you would expect to see in a list like this.
Heather Hester
00:03:40
Others we just had so much fun learning about.
Heather Hester
00:03:44
So I do hope that you enjoyed it and if you haven't seen it yet, have a chance to enjoy it.
Heather Hester
00:03:50
So I thought it would be great to end this month with an episode on how to be a good ally.
Heather Hester
00:03:59
I have done this topic before and I believe a couple years ago actually, and I have added a lot to it and expanded it a great deal.
Heather Hester
00:04:13
So I really thought it would be just thought it was important to do it again and to offer some new insight and some new thoughts on the topic.
Heather Hester
00:04:23
And it's something that I feel like we're kind of all wanting to learn about and continue learning about.
Heather Hester
00:04:30
So anyway, as I talk about this topic, it is one that I feel like I talk about a lot in different ways, and I think kind of my one of my favorite topics to discuss outside of, you know, how you can best support your child when they came come out.
Heather Hester
00:04:52
But as I was looking up things that I really wanted to share specifically today, I came across a quote that I thought was rather timely, and I wanted to share it with you all.
Heather Hester
00:05:05
J.
Heather Hester
00:05:06
Dodd said, allyship is not showing the world how good you are being.
Heather Hester
00:05:12
It is showing the world how backwards it is.
Heather Hester
00:05:16
I again believe this is very timely.
Heather Hester
00:05:20
But it's also even more than that, it is a chance for us to really recognize that it is extraordinarily vital for us to put differences aside and to advocate for each other's basic human rights.
Heather Hester
00:05:42
And remember that that is what a lot of these issues boil down to.
Heather Hester
00:05:50
It's easy to get stuck in the weeds.
Heather Hester
00:05:52
It's easy to get really wound up about different specific things that are said, but really just kind of listening to that, keeping that in mind, taking that to heart.
Heather Hester
00:06:08
So in a broad term, many of the ideas that I have today, the suggestions that I'm going to make about being a good ally, can cross over to being a good ally for any group, any person.
Heather Hester
00:06:25
But I'm going to talk about them today, specifically with regard to the LGBTQIA community and LGBTQIA people.
Heather Hester
00:06:36
So who can be an ally?
Heather Hester
00:06:38
Right.
Heather Hester
00:06:38
That's one of the big questions.
Heather Hester
00:06:40
Who can do this?
Heather Hester
00:06:41
Well, it's anyone who knows and cares about an LGBTQIA person.
Heather Hester
00:06:48
For some, being an ally is as easy as breathing, right?
Heather Hester
00:06:54
It's just a no brainer.
Heather Hester
00:06:56
For others, it's something that you want to do and you feel compelled to do, but it takes intentional effort.
Heather Hester
00:07:07
Wherever you are on that continuum, you are showing up for the person or the people you care about in a very meaningful way.
Heather Hester
00:07:18
So I want to start out with a definition of ally, because I love words, you know that.
Heather Hester
00:07:26
And I thought this would be a great way to kind of get a base understanding of what an ally is.
Heather Hester
00:07:36
According to Merriam Webster, it is a person or a group that provides assistance and support in an ongoing effort, activity, or struggle.
Heather Hester
00:07:48
So my addition to that is specific to the LGBTQIA community.
Heather Hester
00:07:54
It is a straight and or cisgender person who has a genuine strong concern for their well being.
Heather Hester
00:08:01
One who supports and affirms LGBTQIA people and advocates for equal rights.
Heather Hester
00:08:09
It is also someone within the community, for example, a bisexual person, who is an ally to non binary people.
Heather Hester
00:08:19
You may be an expert on your own identity or your own orientation, and yet know very little about others under the LGBTQIA umbrella or how to be an ally to other marginalized communities.
Heather Hester
00:08:36
So this really can is for everyone, right?
Heather Hester
00:08:41
I mean, that's kind of what it boils down to.
Heather Hester
00:08:44
So I really want you to take a moment right now.
Heather Hester
00:08:47
You can pause this and really think about what being a good ally means.
Heather Hester
00:08:55
To you in this moment, what is your definition that you have in your head?
Heather Hester
00:09:05
I also believe that an ally is one who confronts challenges that LGBTQIA people experience and believes that they are societal.
Heather Hester
00:09:19
For example, heterosexism or heteronormativity, which is what we learned about a few weeks ago from Chris Tompkins.
Heather Hester
00:09:29
Right?
Heather Hester
00:09:30
Such a great learning opportunity and just so much to think about.
Heather Hester
00:09:36
But both of those, in different ways, are the assumption that everyone is or should be straight.
Heather Hester
00:09:44
Another example of this is by prejudice, harmful, preconceived ideas about bisexual people.
Heather Hester
00:09:52
And I'd also like to add to that false, misinformed, right at the base of all of this.
Heather Hester
00:10:00
What is it we all know?
Heather Hester
00:10:03
Fear.
Heather Hester
00:10:06
In a broad sense, allies can help validate a cause.
Heather Hester
00:10:11
They can be a cultural bridge.
Heather Hester
00:10:14
They can model what is possible.
Heather Hester
00:10:20
However, an ally is not an identity.
Heather Hester
00:10:27
I want to repeat that because many think that the A an LGBTQIA stands for ally, and it does not.
Heather Hester
00:10:38
Ally is not an identity.
Heather Hester
00:10:41
It is a label.
Heather Hester
00:10:43
And I'd actually like to take that one step further and say it is a verb.
Heather Hester
00:10:50
When we think of allyship in terms of the actions we can take to support and advocate, it automatically removes that ego right that need to have a label or have a, like, I am part of this and really just kind of move into that action.
Heather Hester
00:11:12
That doing this is what I am doing to help, removes that ego and falls in line with that wise old adage, actions speak louder than words.
Heather Hester
00:11:25
Furthermore, ally is just.
Heather Hester
00:11:29
It's more personal.
Heather Hester
00:11:31
So the big question is, how can we be the best possible ally to our kids, our grandkids, our nieces, our nephews, our friends, our students, our coworkers, whomever, right?
Heather Hester
00:11:45
You name it.
Heather Hester
00:11:45
How can we be the best possible ally?
Heather Hester
00:11:50
So, as usual, I found lots of amazing information, and I have, you know, lots of research that I've already done that I've kind of tapped into.
Heather Hester
00:12:03
And so I thought it might be.
Heather Hester
00:12:06
Even though I've expanded a lot on my original podcast episode, I still thought it would be helpful to keep this as more of a How to Be a good ally 101 and let this be information that is kind of a starting point for you.
Heather Hester
00:12:24
So you can just grab what resonates with you and research more from there.
Heather Hester
00:12:30
Run with it.
Heather Hester
00:12:32
Additionally, for simplicity, I summarize this for you into eight ways anyone can be an ally.
Heather Hester
00:12:42
And then at the very end, we're going to talk about how to handle or how to answer some really typical questions that you may get as an ally.
Heather Hester
00:12:54
So here are the eight ways that anyone can be a good ally.
Heather Hester
00:13:01
First, be a good listener.
Heather Hester
00:13:05
As in be present.
Heather Hester
00:13:09
See and hear the person who is speaking to you.
Heather Hester
00:13:15
Now, I know you hear that and you think, got it.
Heather Hester
00:13:18
You say that all the time, Heather.
Heather Hester
00:13:21
And we all have the intention of listening, right?
Heather Hester
00:13:27
We think we are listening, but really being able to be an active listener present in a conversation takes effort and it takes being quite intentional, which, for those of you who can do this naturally, bravo.
Heather Hester
00:13:50
I know for me it took a lot of work and there are still times where I'm like, oh, I'm so tired.
Heather Hester
00:13:58
But it is really super meaningful when you can be present, when you can see and hear that person who is speaking to you, when you can really create that space between the two of you where there is true deep understanding.
Heather Hester
00:14:18
So, of course this takes work, right?
Heather Hester
00:14:22
This is, in some cases work getting to the place where you believe that all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, should be treated with dignity and respect.
Heather Hester
00:14:39
But do the work.
Heather Hester
00:14:41
Do the work.
Heather Hester
00:14:43
Another part of this is knowing what to say and what not to say when someone comes out to you.
Heather Hester
00:14:52
So I'm just going to give you a few examples, and these might be quite obvious and I would like as I'm doing this.
Heather Hester
00:14:58
I'm sure you can think of a bunch more as I'm saying them, but these are the ones.
Heather Hester
00:15:02
I just felt that this was kind of an important thing to say and why.
Heather Hester
00:15:06
So when someone comes out to you, here are a few things you can say that are wonderful to say.
Heather Hester
00:15:14
Congratulations, I'm so happy for you.
Heather Hester
00:15:19
Or you can say, thank you for trusting me enough to let me know the things that you don't want to say.
Heather Hester
00:15:33
And I share these because you know which ones of these I've done first and foremost.
Heather Hester
00:15:40
Are you sure you know the reasons why Just don't do it.
Heather Hester
00:15:53
Another one not to say is, this might be a phase.
Heather Hester
00:15:58
Again, as with, are you sure?
Heather Hester
00:16:03
The person who is sharing this information with you has likely been thinking about this for weeks, months, years.
Heather Hester
00:16:15
They are sure it is not a phase, regardless of their age.
Heather Hester
00:16:23
And the final one is, when did you decide this?
Heather Hester
00:16:31
Again with this one.
Heather Hester
00:16:34
It's the word decide, not a decision.
Heather Hester
00:16:38
It would be like me asking anyone out there who is straight, when did you decide to be straight?
Heather Hester
00:16:46
When did I decide to be, you know, a cisgender, straight white woman?
Heather Hester
00:16:57
Not something I decided.
Heather Hester
00:16:59
Right?
Heather Hester
00:16:59
So likewise, someone who is sharing with you their sexual orientation or gender identity, not a decision.
Heather Hester
00:17:10
So I'm sure you can add Your own to this.
Heather Hester
00:17:13
And, you know, we could of course, probably spend an entire episode on that.
Heather Hester
00:17:17
But to keep moving, I want to encourage you to not be afraid to ask questions.
Heather Hester
00:17:26
It is good to be curious and to want to learn.
Heather Hester
00:17:30
And in that curiosity, just remember to be respectful in asking your questions and being curious.
Heather Hester
00:17:41
And think about, you know, your wording, think about your audience, think about your where you are at the time that you are asking these.
Heather Hester
00:17:50
Additionally, in this work, challenge stereotypes as well as your own unconscious bias.
Heather Hester
00:18:02
Educate yourself on LGBTQIA history, issues, policies, adversity.
Heather Hester
00:18:11
Have conversations with LGBTQIA people and learn about their experiences.
Heather Hester
00:18:18
Do not be afraid of making mistakes.
Heather Hester
00:18:21
It's going to happen.
Heather Hester
00:18:23
It's going to happen.
Heather Hester
00:18:23
You are human and it's part of the learning experience.
Heather Hester
00:18:27
This is something that Connor always reminds me that it is much better to make a mistake while trying than to just stay silent.
Heather Hester
00:18:38
And trust me, I still make mistakes on a daily basis and I've just gotten better at picking myself up and continuing to move on.
Heather Hester
00:18:48
So the next point, and this kind of leads into the next point, which is get comfortable with being comfortable.
Heather Hester
00:18:56
I know I say this one a lot.
Heather Hester
00:18:57
It applies here too.
Heather Hester
00:18:59
You are learning all new information.
Heather Hester
00:19:03
If you are the type of person who is working to shift your mindset or if you are confronting your own previously held prejudices or biases, this education is going to be uncomfortable.
Heather Hester
00:19:20
That is okay.
Heather Hester
00:19:22
Breathe through that discomfort and allow yourself the space and time to process what you are learning.
Heather Hester
00:19:30
Embrace that you will make those mistakes.
Heather Hester
00:19:33
You are human.
Heather Hester
00:19:35
The goal is not to be perfect.
Heather Hester
00:19:38
It is for all to be free, to live authentically.
Heather Hester
00:19:46
The next one is to hold shared secrets, meaning do not out people or share their orientation or identity with others.
Heather Hester
00:19:58
It is not your story to share to build on that one a little bit in case it's not super clear.
Heather Hester
00:20:06
If someone has confided in you their sexual orientation and or their gender identity, that is they are trusting you with that information.
Heather Hester
00:20:18
That is not your information now to share with someone else.
Heather Hester
00:20:22
That is your information, trusted information to hold on to.
Heather Hester
00:20:28
And it can be in the case of having a child share this information with you, such as when Connor came out to us, many, many conversations.
Heather Hester
00:20:42
And it's a great conversation starter for thank you for sharing this with us.
Heather Hester
00:20:47
And then as we moved days and weeks and months, who do you want to share this information with?
Heather Hester
00:20:55
Who would you like for us to share this information with?
Heather Hester
00:20:58
Who do you want us to be there with you when you share the information?
Heather Hester
00:21:02
So it just opens A door for really great conversations as the next one is a big one.
Heather Hester
00:21:12
It's Speak up online, in person.
Heather Hester
00:21:19
Speak Up Social media, of course, is one way to do this.
Heather Hester
00:21:24
It's probably the easiest way to show allyship.
Heather Hester
00:21:28
You can also do it by volunteering.
Heather Hester
00:21:31
You can volunteer online, you can volunteer in person, and you can show solidarity online as well as in person.
Heather Hester
00:21:41
But I have a few ways that you can volunteer.
Heather Hester
00:21:46
Show that allyship by volunteering.
Heather Hester
00:21:49
And again, this can be done in person or online.
Heather Hester
00:21:56
I talk about a lot of these organizations a lot, but they are a great place to get started and can even help guide you if you're looking for something that is more specific to your community, what your community might have of available.
Heather Hester
00:22:11
If you cannot find something outright, starting with one of these larger organizations may help you find something.
Heather Hester
00:22:20
May help you even start something.
Heather Hester
00:23:17
So here's my list and you can find all of these on my website if you want more information.
Heather Hester
00:23:24
But I laid off with the Trevor Project.
Heather Hester
00:23:27
You know how much I love them.
Heather Hester
00:23:30
Gilson is another one, and I don't talk about them enough.
Heather Hester
00:23:33
But what their mission is is to create safe and affir schools for everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, their gender identity or their gender expression.
Heather Hester
00:23:45
Another wonderful one is the Tyler Clementi foundation.
Heather Hester
00:23:49
And then of course hrc, which is the Human Rights Campaign.
Heather Hester
00:23:54
P Flag, It Gets Better and sage, which is one that I sometimes forget about what I'm talking about.
Heather Hester
00:24:04
But it's a really, really important one because it is a national organization that offers supportive services and consumer resources to older LGBTQIA people and their caregivers.
Heather Hester
00:24:19
So really lovely one there to check out.
Heather Hester
00:24:24
Showing up as an ally in real life is a privilege and it can also feel really uncomfortable.
Heather Hester
00:24:36
But it is something that is so important to do and the more that you do it, like anything, the easier it's going to get, right?
Heather Hester
00:24:47
The more that you'll find your wording, you'll find your footing.
Heather Hester
00:24:51
But here are a few situations that you might find yourself in or a few ways that you can really show up as a great ally.
Heather Hester
00:25:00
In situations where someone is using slurs or insensitive language, speak up.
Heather Hester
00:25:09
It doesn't have to be an argument.
Heather Hester
00:25:11
It can be very calm.
Heather Hester
00:25:13
It can be calmly saying that's not okay, please don't use that word or please don't use that phrase again.
Heather Hester
00:25:21
I know this can be awkward, especially at the beginning, but making others aware that their words can be hurtful is a step toward affecting change.
Heather Hester
00:25:32
Another one, and kind of similar, is respectfully correcting others if they misgender someone.
Heather Hester
00:25:40
So this can be done very much with sincerity.
Heather Hester
00:25:45
It can be done with the spirit of educating others.
Heather Hester
00:25:48
And I really, truly believe that people want, in a general sense, there are more people who really want to be kind and just don't know any better.
Heather Hester
00:26:00
So by offering this information in a kind way and a gentle way, not only shows the person that you're with that you have their back, that you are a solid, trustworthy ally.
Heather Hester
00:26:15
It also shows the people that you are talking to that this can be done very respectfully.
Heather Hester
00:26:21
And learning doesn't have to be scary or crazy or radical or whatever other words you want to use, right?
Heather Hester
00:26:32
Be inclusive.
Heather Hester
00:26:34
Be aware of opportunities to increase connection and decrease isolation, which is something that's been really big over the past few years.
Heather Hester
00:26:44
This is also a really important skill to instill in your children as they learn to connect with others and be aware of others.
Heather Hester
00:26:57
Promote diversity in your workplace.
Heather Hester
00:26:59
Diversity, equity, and inclusion is rightly becoming very important at many companies.
Heather Hester
00:27:05
If your company already has a DEI group, find out how to get involved.
Heather Hester
00:27:10
If they don't, see what you can do to start one.
Heather Hester
00:27:15
And the last one I share with some caveats, especially as we are ending Pride Month 2022.
Heather Hester
00:27:25
I love, love, love seeing people in Pride gear when I'm out and about.
Heather Hester
00:27:31
It just makes me smile, it makes me happy.
Heather Hester
00:27:36
And I of course, have my own favorite things that I wear.
Heather Hester
00:27:40
I have my favorite T shirts, I have my favorite hats that I wear throughout the year.
Heather Hester
00:27:45
Here's where my caveat is.
Heather Hester
00:27:47
There's a fine line.
Heather Hester
00:27:51
I think it is so important that LGBTQIA people dress authentically, dress to express who they are.
Heather Hester
00:28:03
And it is important to be aware of rainbow capitalism and only purchase from companies who truly support LGBTQIA people.
Heather Hester
00:28:15
So I was saying this the other day to another group and a great question came up, which is how do we know, how do we know who supports LGBTQIA people and who doesn't?
Heather Hester
00:28:28
And my answer to that was a couple of ways.
Heather Hester
00:28:33
First, a lot of these companies will have right on their website if they are supporting the Trevor Project or It Gets Better or PFLAG or hrc, any of these, they'll have it right there.
Heather Hester
00:28:46
They want you to know and you can follow that through to make sure that that is accurate.
Heather Hester
00:28:52
Right?
Heather Hester
00:28:53
You can also do it the other way around, which is get on the website of whatever your, you know, your favorite organizations are.
Heather Hester
00:29:03
And a lot of times, especially during June, they will list out the companies who, you know, they recommend who are supporting them, who they, you know, are giving kind of the thumbs up to.
Heather Hester
00:29:17
So those are two easy ways to do that.
Heather Hester
00:29:21
The next way to be a good ally is to support equality.
Heather Hester
00:29:28
Educate yourself about policies that protect LGBTQIA people from discrimination within your workplace, discrimination at your kids schools, within your community, and so on.
Heather Hester
00:29:43
So this is a really, really big one and one that is really, as we all know, coming under fire in many, many ways across our country and different states.
Heather Hester
00:29:56
And, you know, is certainly worth a much longer conversation than a 32nd bit here.
Heather Hester
00:30:05
Find out what the policies are at your kids school.
Heather Hester
00:30:10
Find out what the policies are in your community, in your county, in your state.
Heather Hester
00:30:16
And really, that's a great starting place to know where things are and where you can support and where you can speak up or volunteer.
Heather Hester
00:30:33
The next one is learn the language.
Heather Hester
00:30:38
It's respectful, first of all, and it reflects your desire to be an ally when you use the right words and the right pronouns.
Heather Hester
00:30:48
Never assume someone's sexual orientation or gender identity.
Heather Hester
00:30:53
Ask if you're unsure and if it's appropriate.
Heather Hester
00:30:59
My website has a basic glossary that you can go to and look at.
Heather Hester
00:31:05
And in a few weeks, I will be rolling out an in depth workshop on the language of lgbtqia, what words mean and how to use them appropriately.
Heather Hester
00:31:19
If this is something you are interested in, please, I have a link in the notes, the show notes.
Heather Hester
00:31:26
Click on that link and I will make sure that you get information as soon as I roll this course out.
Heather Hester
00:31:36
Another way that you can just be aware or you may hear this going on around you, especially from your kids.
Heather Hester
00:31:44
This is something I learned first, of course, from my kids, which was a few years ago Connor started using the word y'all.
Heather Hester
00:31:52
Now, we're from the Chicago area, we don't use that word here.
Heather Hester
00:31:58
Not that I have anything against it at all.
Heather Hester
00:32:00
In fact, I quite like it.
Heather Hester
00:32:03
I think it sounds very warm and inviting.
Heather Hester
00:32:06
But that's just not how we speak up north, right?
Heather Hester
00:32:10
We have always used the words like you guys or ladies and gentlemen.
Heather Hester
00:32:17
So I finally asked him, you know, why he switched and started using that?
Heather Hester
00:32:24
And he said, because it's inclusive of everyone.
Heather Hester
00:32:29
I was like, oh my gosh, of course.
Heather Hester
00:32:33
That makes so much sense.
Heather Hester
00:32:35
So kind of putting all of that together, I've always had this, like, it sounds inviting, right?
Heather Hester
00:32:42
It sounds welcoming and it's inclusive.
Heather Hester
00:32:48
So you can use y'all and no one is going to feel left out.
Heather Hester
00:32:55
So if you don't already use y'all, it's going to take a Little work.
Heather Hester
00:33:02
I still goof and say, you know, you guys or whatever, but I am slowly making the shift and it's worth it and it's actually quite fun.
Heather Hester
00:33:18
So I highly recommend this.
Heather Hester
00:33:22
Finally offer financial support if you are able.
Heather Hester
00:33:25
Any LGBTQIA nonprofit would be delighted with your support.
Heather Hester
00:33:31
And believe it or not, a five dollar donation does make a difference.
Heather Hester
00:33:36
So consider hopping on the website before the end of this month especially and supporting your favorite favorite nonprofit.
Heather Hester
00:33:51
So here is just.
Heather Hester
00:33:53
Here are, I should say, a few questions that you will probably get as an ally and just a few suggestions on ways you can answer them.
Heather Hester
00:34:07
I know it can be tricky.
Heather Hester
00:34:09
It can be, again, it can be uncomfortable.
Heather Hester
00:34:12
But kind of knowing ahead of time what might be coming your way, you know, really thinking about why it is you believe what you believe and why it is that you are an ally will really help you form your answers and help you come up with the words that sound the most like you.
Heather Hester
00:34:33
But I thought I would throw these out there for you just to give you, just to kind of get you started.
Heather Hester
00:34:39
So the first statement is, I thought we were in a good place with LGBTQIA rights and inclusion.
Heather Hester
00:34:48
So depending on where you live, this may seem like a fair question or a fair statement, or it may seem like it's very far from the truth.
Heather Hester
00:34:59
Right?
Heather Hester
00:34:59
This is a very geographical type statement.
Heather Hester
00:35:03
Here is why it is actually the latter and why allies are desperately needed.
Heather Hester
00:35:11
LGBTQIA individuals do not have legal protection on a federal level in the United States.
Heather Hester
00:35:18
In many states, there is still widespread discrimination, meaning you can lose your job, you can not qualify for housing funding or lose your housing.
Heather Hester
00:35:32
You can have service refused to you at a restaurant or a retail store.
Heather Hester
00:35:38
And the examples go on and on.
Heather Hester
00:35:41
In other countries around the world, being LGBTQIA is a crime punishable by prison and in some cases, death.
Heather Hester
00:35:53
It can also be helpful to approach this statement by showing examples of what a straight cisgender person can do that are often exponentially more difficult for an LGBTQIA person.
Heather Hester
00:36:10
So, using myself as an example, I can go to the bathroom pretty much anywhere I am.
Heather Hester
00:36:18
I have no problem finding a bathroom.
Heather Hester
00:36:21
I can hold hands with my husband in public and nobody bats an eye.
Heather Hester
00:36:27
I can go to any ER anywhere and receive respectful medical care.
Heather Hester
00:36:37
And I can see representation of myself in books, in stories, in history that is taught in movies and other media, right?
Heather Hester
00:36:56
So think about that.
Heather Hester
00:37:01
The next one that you might hear or be asked is, I treat everyone the same.
Heather Hester
00:37:08
What's wrong with that?
Heather Hester
00:37:10
So while this one is really frustrating I do actually believe that it's coming from a place of kindness.
Heather Hester
00:37:18
A lot of cases, it's just one that needs gentle education.
Heather Hester
00:37:23
There are two ways to help people understand why this is, at best, not helpful and at worst, incredibly offensive.
Heather Hester
00:37:34
The first way is educating others about the difference between equality and equity.
Heather Hester
00:37:40
The most effective way to show this is by using personal stories.
Heather Hester
00:37:44
Your own personal stories.
Heather Hester
00:37:46
Right?
Heather Hester
00:37:47
But defining the term also works.
Heather Hester
00:37:49
So here you go.
Heather Hester
00:37:52
Equality means everyone is getting the same.
Heather Hester
00:37:55
But this only works if everyone has started in the same place and.
Heather Hester
00:38:01
Or everyone has the same needs.
Heather Hester
00:38:05
Equity means every individual has or is given what they need to succeed or live happily.
Heather Hester
00:38:12
See the difference?
Heather Hester
00:38:15
The second way to illustrate this is more conversational, discussing how all humans have different identities, different beliefs, different abilities, different life experiences, and different needs, and they don't necessarily want to be treated the same as everyone else.
Heather Hester
00:38:37
There's a lot of difference in there, right?
Heather Hester
00:38:39
So this becomes more about seeing people on an individual or human level and recognizing and respecting needs.
Heather Hester
00:38:49
And there are so many ways you can illustrate this, but, you know, one that is just very common is, you know, thinking about how you might respect someone coming into your home who has a food allergy, right?
Heather Hester
00:39:05
You have someone coming over for dinner, you're having a dinner party, and one of your friends has a peanut allergy.
Heather Hester
00:39:12
Now, would you serve peanut chicken for dinner?
Heather Hester
00:39:16
Probably not, right?
Heather Hester
00:39:19
It is the same thing.
Heather Hester
00:39:21
It is the same thing.
Heather Hester
00:39:22
So it's just respecting individual needs.
Heather Hester
00:39:30
The next one that I'm going to share is a little bit triggering for me.
Heather Hester
00:39:34
It's a little bit hard, but I know that it's one I've seen pop up dozens of times this month.
Heather Hester
00:39:40
And I just really felt that it was important to address.
Heather Hester
00:39:44
And that is, why isn't there a straight Pride parade?
Heather Hester
00:39:49
So this one is the reason it is triggering is because it is part of one of the final conversations I had with my brother three years ago.
Heather Hester
00:40:02
And that is a story for another day.
Heather Hester
00:40:05
But it kind of falls into that same category as questions like, where's my special safe place?
Heather Hester
00:40:15
Or why should LGBTQIA people get special rights?
Heather Hester
00:40:20
And so on.
Heather Hester
00:40:22
So here's a few ways you can answer these type of questions.
Heather Hester
00:40:29
First, straight Pride happens every day.
Heather Hester
00:40:34
Meaning straight and cisgender people see themselves represented everywhere all of the time.
Heather Hester
00:40:42
In art, in film, in corporate.
Heather Hester
00:40:46
Right life, in awards and inventions.
Heather Hester
00:40:53
An LGBTQIA child can go through a typical K through 12 curricula and think that no LGBTQIA person has ever done anything of note or contributed to society.
Heather Hester
00:41:08
In any way.
Heather Hester
00:41:10
And as we all know, there are those who are unfortunately actively working to make sure that never happens.
Heather Hester
00:41:18
There's answer number one.
Heather Hester
00:41:21
Number two LGBTQIA people are not seeking special rights, they're seeking human rights, the rights that many take completely for granted or worse, abuse to keep themselves in power.
Heather Hester
00:41:44
Human rights the next When a child or teenager is bullied about race or religion, they typically have their parents to turn to for support and helpful suggestions because their parents have probably been through similar situations, right?
Heather Hester
00:42:07
However, parents and family members can sometimes be an additional source of stress or harm for an LGBTQIA plus child or teenager, leaving them with no one and no place to go.
Heather Hester
00:42:24
As we all know and have talked about many, many times, the rates for suicide and suicide attempts are significantly higher for LGBTQIA adolescents, teens and young adults than they are for their straight cisgender peers.
Heather Hester
00:42:40
Having even one safe person or safe place for LGBTQIA children or teens literally saves lives.
Heather Hester
00:42:55
Remember that being an ally is both a noun and a verb.
Heather Hester
00:43:01
Education and shifting take time.
Heather Hester
00:43:05
You will make mistakes and those around you will make mistakes.
Heather Hester
00:43:09
But it is far, far better to make those mistakes and keep moving forward than to not try at all.
Heather Hester
00:43:16
Our kids and the LGBTQIA community need us.
Heather Hester
00:43:25
Thank you so much for being here today and listening in.
Heather Hester
00:43:29
If you would like more information about my LGBTQIA language workshop, click on the link in the Show Notes and I will make sure that you get on the list.
Heather Hester
00:43:40
Until next time.
Heather Hester
00:43:44
Thanks so much for joining me today.
Heather Hester
00:43:47
If you enjoyed today's episode, I would be so grateful for a rating or a review.
Heather Hester
00:43:55
Click on the link in the show notes or go to my website chrysalismama.com to stay up to date on my latest resources as well as to learn how you can work with me.
Heather Hester
00:44:07
Please share this podcast with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone.
Heather Hester
00:44:13
And remember to just breathe.
Heather Hester
00:44:17
Until next time.
Heather Hester
00:44:20
Sa.
00:01:25
Welcome to Just Breathe Parenting youg LGBTQ Team, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child.
Heather Hester
00:01:38
My name is Heather Hester, and I am so grateful you are here.
Heather Hester
00:01:42
I want you to take a deep breath and know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the Just Breathe nest.
Heather Hester
00:01:52
Whether today's show is an amazing guest or me sharing stories, resources, strategies, or lessons I've learned along our journey, I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop, having a cozy chat.
Heather Hester
00:02:09
Most of all, I want you to remember that, that wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.
Heather Hester
00:02:27
Welcome to Just Breathe.
Heather Hester
00:02:29
I am so happy that you are here today.
Heather Hester
00:02:32
It is the last Tuesday of June and my last episode for Pride Month 2022, and it has just so much fun doing all of the different episodes that I've done for this month, as well as the social media that I hope you've all had a chance to check out.
Heather Hester
00:02:59
My daughter Isabel, actually helped me a lot with this.
Heather Hester
00:03:05
And every day of this month, we have featured somebody who has had who has just made it so much easier for our kids, who has done something special, who has been an advocate, who has been an activist, who has just made their mark for the LGBTQIA community in a way that needs to be recognized.
Heather Hester
00:03:35
And so some people have been people that you would expect to see in a list like this.
Heather Hester
00:03:40
Others we just had so much fun learning about.
Heather Hester
00:03:44
So I do hope that you enjoyed it and if you haven't seen it yet, have a chance to enjoy it.
Heather Hester
00:03:50
So I thought it would be great to end this month with an episode on how to be a good ally.
Heather Hester
00:03:59
I have done this topic before and I believe a couple years ago actually, and I have added a lot to it and expanded it a great deal.
Heather Hester
00:04:13
So I really thought it would be just thought it was important to do it again and to offer some new insight and some new thoughts on the topic.
Heather Hester
00:04:23
And it's something that I feel like we're kind of all wanting to learn about and continue learning about.
Heather Hester
00:04:30
So anyway, as I talk about this topic, it is one that I feel like I talk about a lot in different ways, and I think kind of my one of my favorite topics to discuss outside of, you know, how you can best support your child when they came come out.
Heather Hester
00:04:52
But as I was looking up things that I really wanted to share specifically today, I came across a quote that I thought was rather timely, and I wanted to share it with you all.
Heather Hester
00:05:05
J.
Heather Hester
00:05:06
Dodd said, allyship is not showing the world how good you are being.
Heather Hester
00:05:12
It is showing the world how backwards it is.
Heather Hester
00:05:16
I again believe this is very timely.
Heather Hester
00:05:20
But it's also even more than that, it is a chance for us to really recognize that it is extraordinarily vital for us to put differences aside and to advocate for each other's basic human rights.
Heather Hester
00:05:42
And remember that that is what a lot of these issues boil down to.
Heather Hester
00:05:50
It's easy to get stuck in the weeds.
Heather Hester
00:05:52
It's easy to get really wound up about different specific things that are said, but really just kind of listening to that, keeping that in mind, taking that to heart.
Heather Hester
00:06:08
So in a broad term, many of the ideas that I have today, the suggestions that I'm going to make about being a good ally, can cross over to being a good ally for any group, any person.
Heather Hester
00:06:25
But I'm going to talk about them today, specifically with regard to the LGBTQIA community and LGBTQIA people.
Heather Hester
00:06:36
So who can be an ally?
Heather Hester
00:06:38
Right.
Heather Hester
00:06:38
That's one of the big questions.
Heather Hester
00:06:40
Who can do this?
Heather Hester
00:06:41
Well, it's anyone who knows and cares about an LGBTQIA person.
Heather Hester
00:06:48
For some, being an ally is as easy as breathing, right?
Heather Hester
00:06:54
It's just a no brainer.
Heather Hester
00:06:56
For others, it's something that you want to do and you feel compelled to do, but it takes intentional effort.
Heather Hester
00:07:07
Wherever you are on that continuum, you are showing up for the person or the people you care about in a very meaningful way.
Heather Hester
00:07:18
So I want to start out with a definition of ally, because I love words, you know that.
Heather Hester
00:07:26
And I thought this would be a great way to kind of get a base understanding of what an ally is.
Heather Hester
00:07:36
According to Merriam Webster, it is a person or a group that provides assistance and support in an ongoing effort, activity, or struggle.
Heather Hester
00:07:48
So my addition to that is specific to the LGBTQIA community.
Heather Hester
00:07:54
It is a straight and or cisgender person who has a genuine strong concern for their well being.
Heather Hester
00:08:01
One who supports and affirms LGBTQIA people and advocates for equal rights.
Heather Hester
00:08:09
It is also someone within the community, for example, a bisexual person, who is an ally to non binary people.
Heather Hester
00:08:19
You may be an expert on your own identity or your own orientation, and yet know very little about others under the LGBTQIA umbrella or how to be an ally to other marginalized communities.
Heather Hester
00:08:36
So this really can is for everyone, right?
Heather Hester
00:08:41
I mean, that's kind of what it boils down to.
Heather Hester
00:08:44
So I really want you to take a moment right now.
Heather Hester
00:08:47
You can pause this and really think about what being a good ally means.
Heather Hester
00:08:55
To you in this moment, what is your definition that you have in your head?
Heather Hester
00:09:05
I also believe that an ally is one who confronts challenges that LGBTQIA people experience and believes that they are societal.
Heather Hester
00:09:19
For example, heterosexism or heteronormativity, which is what we learned about a few weeks ago from Chris Tompkins.
Heather Hester
00:09:29
Right?
Heather Hester
00:09:30
Such a great learning opportunity and just so much to think about.
Heather Hester
00:09:36
But both of those, in different ways, are the assumption that everyone is or should be straight.
Heather Hester
00:09:44
Another example of this is by prejudice, harmful, preconceived ideas about bisexual people.
Heather Hester
00:09:52
And I'd also like to add to that false, misinformed, right at the base of all of this.
Heather Hester
00:10:00
What is it we all know?
Heather Hester
00:10:03
Fear.
Heather Hester
00:10:06
In a broad sense, allies can help validate a cause.
Heather Hester
00:10:11
They can be a cultural bridge.
Heather Hester
00:10:14
They can model what is possible.
Heather Hester
00:10:20
However, an ally is not an identity.
Heather Hester
00:10:27
I want to repeat that because many think that the A an LGBTQIA stands for ally, and it does not.
Heather Hester
00:10:38
Ally is not an identity.
Heather Hester
00:10:41
It is a label.
Heather Hester
00:10:43
And I'd actually like to take that one step further and say it is a verb.
Heather Hester
00:10:50
When we think of allyship in terms of the actions we can take to support and advocate, it automatically removes that ego right that need to have a label or have a, like, I am part of this and really just kind of move into that action.
Heather Hester
00:11:12
That doing this is what I am doing to help, removes that ego and falls in line with that wise old adage, actions speak louder than words.
Heather Hester
00:11:25
Furthermore, ally is just.
Heather Hester
00:11:29
It's more personal.
Heather Hester
00:11:31
So the big question is, how can we be the best possible ally to our kids, our grandkids, our nieces, our nephews, our friends, our students, our coworkers, whomever, right?
Heather Hester
00:11:45
You name it.
Heather Hester
00:11:45
How can we be the best possible ally?
Heather Hester
00:11:50
So, as usual, I found lots of amazing information, and I have, you know, lots of research that I've already done that I've kind of tapped into.
Heather Hester
00:12:03
And so I thought it might be.
Heather Hester
00:12:06
Even though I've expanded a lot on my original podcast episode, I still thought it would be helpful to keep this as more of a How to Be a good ally 101 and let this be information that is kind of a starting point for you.
Heather Hester
00:12:24
So you can just grab what resonates with you and research more from there.
Heather Hester
00:12:30
Run with it.
Heather Hester
00:12:32
Additionally, for simplicity, I summarize this for you into eight ways anyone can be an ally.
Heather Hester
00:12:42
And then at the very end, we're going to talk about how to handle or how to answer some really typical questions that you may get as an ally.
Heather Hester
00:12:54
So here are the eight ways that anyone can be a good ally.
Heather Hester
00:13:01
First, be a good listener.
Heather Hester
00:13:05
As in be present.
Heather Hester
00:13:09
See and hear the person who is speaking to you.
Heather Hester
00:13:15
Now, I know you hear that and you think, got it.
Heather Hester
00:13:18
You say that all the time, Heather.
Heather Hester
00:13:21
And we all have the intention of listening, right?
Heather Hester
00:13:27
We think we are listening, but really being able to be an active listener present in a conversation takes effort and it takes being quite intentional, which, for those of you who can do this naturally, bravo.
Heather Hester
00:13:50
I know for me it took a lot of work and there are still times where I'm like, oh, I'm so tired.
Heather Hester
00:13:58
But it is really super meaningful when you can be present, when you can see and hear that person who is speaking to you, when you can really create that space between the two of you where there is true deep understanding.
Heather Hester
00:14:18
So, of course this takes work, right?
Heather Hester
00:14:22
This is, in some cases work getting to the place where you believe that all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, should be treated with dignity and respect.
Heather Hester
00:14:39
But do the work.
Heather Hester
00:14:41
Do the work.
Heather Hester
00:14:43
Another part of this is knowing what to say and what not to say when someone comes out to you.
Heather Hester
00:14:52
So I'm just going to give you a few examples, and these might be quite obvious and I would like as I'm doing this.
Heather Hester
00:14:58
I'm sure you can think of a bunch more as I'm saying them, but these are the ones.
Heather Hester
00:15:02
I just felt that this was kind of an important thing to say and why.
Heather Hester
00:15:06
So when someone comes out to you, here are a few things you can say that are wonderful to say.
Heather Hester
00:15:14
Congratulations, I'm so happy for you.
Heather Hester
00:15:19
Or you can say, thank you for trusting me enough to let me know the things that you don't want to say.
Heather Hester
00:15:33
And I share these because you know which ones of these I've done first and foremost.
Heather Hester
00:15:40
Are you sure you know the reasons why Just don't do it.
Heather Hester
00:15:53
Another one not to say is, this might be a phase.
Heather Hester
00:15:58
Again, as with, are you sure?
Heather Hester
00:16:03
The person who is sharing this information with you has likely been thinking about this for weeks, months, years.
Heather Hester
00:16:15
They are sure it is not a phase, regardless of their age.
Heather Hester
00:16:23
And the final one is, when did you decide this?
Heather Hester
00:16:31
Again with this one.
Heather Hester
00:16:34
It's the word decide, not a decision.
Heather Hester
00:16:38
It would be like me asking anyone out there who is straight, when did you decide to be straight?
Heather Hester
00:16:46
When did I decide to be, you know, a cisgender, straight white woman?
Heather Hester
00:16:57
Not something I decided.
Heather Hester
00:16:59
Right?
Heather Hester
00:16:59
So likewise, someone who is sharing with you their sexual orientation or gender identity, not a decision.
Heather Hester
00:17:10
So I'm sure you can add Your own to this.
Heather Hester
00:17:13
And, you know, we could of course, probably spend an entire episode on that.
Heather Hester
00:17:17
But to keep moving, I want to encourage you to not be afraid to ask questions.
Heather Hester
00:17:26
It is good to be curious and to want to learn.
Heather Hester
00:17:30
And in that curiosity, just remember to be respectful in asking your questions and being curious.
Heather Hester
00:17:41
And think about, you know, your wording, think about your audience, think about your where you are at the time that you are asking these.
Heather Hester
00:17:50
Additionally, in this work, challenge stereotypes as well as your own unconscious bias.
Heather Hester
00:18:02
Educate yourself on LGBTQIA history, issues, policies, adversity.
Heather Hester
00:18:11
Have conversations with LGBTQIA people and learn about their experiences.
Heather Hester
00:18:18
Do not be afraid of making mistakes.
Heather Hester
00:18:21
It's going to happen.
Heather Hester
00:18:23
It's going to happen.
Heather Hester
00:18:23
You are human and it's part of the learning experience.
Heather Hester
00:18:27
This is something that Connor always reminds me that it is much better to make a mistake while trying than to just stay silent.
Heather Hester
00:18:38
And trust me, I still make mistakes on a daily basis and I've just gotten better at picking myself up and continuing to move on.
Heather Hester
00:18:48
So the next point, and this kind of leads into the next point, which is get comfortable with being comfortable.
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00:18:56
I know I say this one a lot.
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00:18:57
It applies here too.
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00:18:59
You are learning all new information.
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00:19:03
If you are the type of person who is working to shift your mindset or if you are confronting your own previously held prejudices or biases, this education is going to be uncomfortable.
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00:19:20
That is okay.
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00:19:22
Breathe through that discomfort and allow yourself the space and time to process what you are learning.
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00:19:30
Embrace that you will make those mistakes.
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00:19:33
You are human.
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00:19:35
The goal is not to be perfect.
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00:19:38
It is for all to be free, to live authentically.
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00:19:46
The next one is to hold shared secrets, meaning do not out people or share their orientation or identity with others.
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00:19:58
It is not your story to share to build on that one a little bit in case it's not super clear.
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00:20:06
If someone has confided in you their sexual orientation and or their gender identity, that is they are trusting you with that information.
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00:20:18
That is not your information now to share with someone else.
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00:20:22
That is your information, trusted information to hold on to.
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00:20:28
And it can be in the case of having a child share this information with you, such as when Connor came out to us, many, many conversations.
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00:20:42
And it's a great conversation starter for thank you for sharing this with us.
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00:20:47
And then as we moved days and weeks and months, who do you want to share this information with?
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00:20:55
Who would you like for us to share this information with?
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00:20:58
Who do you want us to be there with you when you share the information?
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00:21:02
So it just opens A door for really great conversations as the next one is a big one.
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00:21:12
It's Speak up online, in person.
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00:21:19
Speak Up Social media, of course, is one way to do this.
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00:21:24
It's probably the easiest way to show allyship.
Heather Hester
00:21:28
You can also do it by volunteering.
Heather Hester
00:21:31
You can volunteer online, you can volunteer in person, and you can show solidarity online as well as in person.
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00:21:41
But I have a few ways that you can volunteer.
Heather Hester
00:21:46
Show that allyship by volunteering.
Heather Hester
00:21:49
And again, this can be done in person or online.
Heather Hester
00:21:56
I talk about a lot of these organizations a lot, but they are a great place to get started and can even help guide you if you're looking for something that is more specific to your community, what your community might have of available.
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00:22:11
If you cannot find something outright, starting with one of these larger organizations may help you find something.
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00:22:20
May help you even start something.
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00:23:17
So here's my list and you can find all of these on my website if you want more information.
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00:23:24
But I laid off with the Trevor Project.
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00:23:27
You know how much I love them.
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00:23:30
Gilson is another one, and I don't talk about them enough.
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00:23:33
But what their mission is is to create safe and affir schools for everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, their gender identity or their gender expression.
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00:23:45
Another wonderful one is the Tyler Clementi foundation.
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00:23:49
And then of course hrc, which is the Human Rights Campaign.
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00:23:54
P Flag, It Gets Better and sage, which is one that I sometimes forget about what I'm talking about.
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00:24:04
But it's a really, really important one because it is a national organization that offers supportive services and consumer resources to older LGBTQIA people and their caregivers.
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00:24:19
So really lovely one there to check out.
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00:24:24
Showing up as an ally in real life is a privilege and it can also feel really uncomfortable.
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00:24:36
But it is something that is so important to do and the more that you do it, like anything, the easier it's going to get, right?
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00:24:47
The more that you'll find your wording, you'll find your footing.
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00:24:51
But here are a few situations that you might find yourself in or a few ways that you can really show up as a great ally.
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00:25:00
In situations where someone is using slurs or insensitive language, speak up.
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00:25:09
It doesn't have to be an argument.
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00:25:11
It can be very calm.
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00:25:13
It can be calmly saying that's not okay, please don't use that word or please don't use that phrase again.
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00:25:21
I know this can be awkward, especially at the beginning, but making others aware that their words can be hurtful is a step toward affecting change.
Heather Hester
00:25:32
Another one, and kind of similar, is respectfully correcting others if they misgender someone.
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00:25:40
So this can be done very much with sincerity.
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00:25:45
It can be done with the spirit of educating others.
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00:25:48
And I really, truly believe that people want, in a general sense, there are more people who really want to be kind and just don't know any better.
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00:26:00
So by offering this information in a kind way and a gentle way, not only shows the person that you're with that you have their back, that you are a solid, trustworthy ally.
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00:26:15
It also shows the people that you are talking to that this can be done very respectfully.
Heather Hester
00:26:21
And learning doesn't have to be scary or crazy or radical or whatever other words you want to use, right?
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00:26:32
Be inclusive.
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00:26:34
Be aware of opportunities to increase connection and decrease isolation, which is something that's been really big over the past few years.
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00:26:44
This is also a really important skill to instill in your children as they learn to connect with others and be aware of others.
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00:26:57
Promote diversity in your workplace.
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00:26:59
Diversity, equity, and inclusion is rightly becoming very important at many companies.
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00:27:05
If your company already has a DEI group, find out how to get involved.
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00:27:10
If they don't, see what you can do to start one.
Heather Hester
00:27:15
And the last one I share with some caveats, especially as we are ending Pride Month 2022.
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00:27:25
I love, love, love seeing people in Pride gear when I'm out and about.
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00:27:31
It just makes me smile, it makes me happy.
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00:27:36
And I of course, have my own favorite things that I wear.
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00:27:40
I have my favorite T shirts, I have my favorite hats that I wear throughout the year.
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00:27:45
Here's where my caveat is.
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00:27:47
There's a fine line.
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00:27:51
I think it is so important that LGBTQIA people dress authentically, dress to express who they are.
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00:28:03
And it is important to be aware of rainbow capitalism and only purchase from companies who truly support LGBTQIA people.
Heather Hester
00:28:15
So I was saying this the other day to another group and a great question came up, which is how do we know, how do we know who supports LGBTQIA people and who doesn't?
Heather Hester
00:28:28
And my answer to that was a couple of ways.
Heather Hester
00:28:33
First, a lot of these companies will have right on their website if they are supporting the Trevor Project or It Gets Better or PFLAG or hrc, any of these, they'll have it right there.
Heather Hester
00:28:46
They want you to know and you can follow that through to make sure that that is accurate.
Heather Hester
00:28:52
Right?
Heather Hester
00:28:53
You can also do it the other way around, which is get on the website of whatever your, you know, your favorite organizations are.
Heather Hester
00:29:03
And a lot of times, especially during June, they will list out the companies who, you know, they recommend who are supporting them, who they, you know, are giving kind of the thumbs up to.
Heather Hester
00:29:17
So those are two easy ways to do that.
Heather Hester
00:29:21
The next way to be a good ally is to support equality.
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00:29:28
Educate yourself about policies that protect LGBTQIA people from discrimination within your workplace, discrimination at your kids schools, within your community, and so on.
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00:29:43
So this is a really, really big one and one that is really, as we all know, coming under fire in many, many ways across our country and different states.
Heather Hester
00:29:56
And, you know, is certainly worth a much longer conversation than a 32nd bit here.
Heather Hester
00:30:05
Find out what the policies are at your kids school.
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00:30:10
Find out what the policies are in your community, in your county, in your state.
Heather Hester
00:30:16
And really, that's a great starting place to know where things are and where you can support and where you can speak up or volunteer.
Heather Hester
00:30:33
The next one is learn the language.
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00:30:38
It's respectful, first of all, and it reflects your desire to be an ally when you use the right words and the right pronouns.
Heather Hester
00:30:48
Never assume someone's sexual orientation or gender identity.
Heather Hester
00:30:53
Ask if you're unsure and if it's appropriate.
Heather Hester
00:30:59
My website has a basic glossary that you can go to and look at.
Heather Hester
00:31:05
And in a few weeks, I will be rolling out an in depth workshop on the language of lgbtqia, what words mean and how to use them appropriately.
Heather Hester
00:31:19
If this is something you are interested in, please, I have a link in the notes, the show notes.
Heather Hester
00:31:26
Click on that link and I will make sure that you get information as soon as I roll this course out.
Heather Hester
00:31:36
Another way that you can just be aware or you may hear this going on around you, especially from your kids.
Heather Hester
00:31:44
This is something I learned first, of course, from my kids, which was a few years ago Connor started using the word y'all.
Heather Hester
00:31:52
Now, we're from the Chicago area, we don't use that word here.
Heather Hester
00:31:58
Not that I have anything against it at all.
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00:32:00
In fact, I quite like it.
Heather Hester
00:32:03
I think it sounds very warm and inviting.
Heather Hester
00:32:06
But that's just not how we speak up north, right?
Heather Hester
00:32:10
We have always used the words like you guys or ladies and gentlemen.
Heather Hester
00:32:17
So I finally asked him, you know, why he switched and started using that?
Heather Hester
00:32:24
And he said, because it's inclusive of everyone.
Heather Hester
00:32:29
I was like, oh my gosh, of course.
Heather Hester
00:32:33
That makes so much sense.
Heather Hester
00:32:35
So kind of putting all of that together, I've always had this, like, it sounds inviting, right?
Heather Hester
00:32:42
It sounds welcoming and it's inclusive.
Heather Hester
00:32:48
So you can use y'all and no one is going to feel left out.
Heather Hester
00:32:55
So if you don't already use y'all, it's going to take a Little work.
Heather Hester
00:33:02
I still goof and say, you know, you guys or whatever, but I am slowly making the shift and it's worth it and it's actually quite fun.
Heather Hester
00:33:18
So I highly recommend this.
Heather Hester
00:33:22
Finally offer financial support if you are able.
Heather Hester
00:33:25
Any LGBTQIA nonprofit would be delighted with your support.
Heather Hester
00:33:31
And believe it or not, a five dollar donation does make a difference.
Heather Hester
00:33:36
So consider hopping on the website before the end of this month especially and supporting your favorite favorite nonprofit.
Heather Hester
00:33:51
So here is just.
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00:33:53
Here are, I should say, a few questions that you will probably get as an ally and just a few suggestions on ways you can answer them.
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00:34:07
I know it can be tricky.
Heather Hester
00:34:09
It can be, again, it can be uncomfortable.
Heather Hester
00:34:12
But kind of knowing ahead of time what might be coming your way, you know, really thinking about why it is you believe what you believe and why it is that you are an ally will really help you form your answers and help you come up with the words that sound the most like you.
Heather Hester
00:34:33
But I thought I would throw these out there for you just to give you, just to kind of get you started.
Heather Hester
00:34:39
So the first statement is, I thought we were in a good place with LGBTQIA rights and inclusion.
Heather Hester
00:34:48
So depending on where you live, this may seem like a fair question or a fair statement, or it may seem like it's very far from the truth.
Heather Hester
00:34:59
Right?
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00:34:59
This is a very geographical type statement.
Heather Hester
00:35:03
Here is why it is actually the latter and why allies are desperately needed.
Heather Hester
00:35:11
LGBTQIA individuals do not have legal protection on a federal level in the United States.
Heather Hester
00:35:18
In many states, there is still widespread discrimination, meaning you can lose your job, you can not qualify for housing funding or lose your housing.
Heather Hester
00:35:32
You can have service refused to you at a restaurant or a retail store.
Heather Hester
00:35:38
And the examples go on and on.
Heather Hester
00:35:41
In other countries around the world, being LGBTQIA is a crime punishable by prison and in some cases, death.
Heather Hester
00:35:53
It can also be helpful to approach this statement by showing examples of what a straight cisgender person can do that are often exponentially more difficult for an LGBTQIA person.
Heather Hester
00:36:10
So, using myself as an example, I can go to the bathroom pretty much anywhere I am.
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00:36:18
I have no problem finding a bathroom.
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00:36:21
I can hold hands with my husband in public and nobody bats an eye.
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00:36:27
I can go to any ER anywhere and receive respectful medical care.
Heather Hester
00:36:37
And I can see representation of myself in books, in stories, in history that is taught in movies and other media, right?
Heather Hester
00:36:56
So think about that.
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00:37:01
The next one that you might hear or be asked is, I treat everyone the same.
Heather Hester
00:37:08
What's wrong with that?
Heather Hester
00:37:10
So while this one is really frustrating I do actually believe that it's coming from a place of kindness.
Heather Hester
00:37:18
A lot of cases, it's just one that needs gentle education.
Heather Hester
00:37:23
There are two ways to help people understand why this is, at best, not helpful and at worst, incredibly offensive.
Heather Hester
00:37:34
The first way is educating others about the difference between equality and equity.
Heather Hester
00:37:40
The most effective way to show this is by using personal stories.
Heather Hester
00:37:44
Your own personal stories.
Heather Hester
00:37:46
Right?
Heather Hester
00:37:47
But defining the term also works.
Heather Hester
00:37:49
So here you go.
Heather Hester
00:37:52
Equality means everyone is getting the same.
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00:37:55
But this only works if everyone has started in the same place and.
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00:38:01
Or everyone has the same needs.
Heather Hester
00:38:05
Equity means every individual has or is given what they need to succeed or live happily.
Heather Hester
00:38:12
See the difference?
Heather Hester
00:38:15
The second way to illustrate this is more conversational, discussing how all humans have different identities, different beliefs, different abilities, different life experiences, and different needs, and they don't necessarily want to be treated the same as everyone else.
Heather Hester
00:38:37
There's a lot of difference in there, right?
Heather Hester
00:38:39
So this becomes more about seeing people on an individual or human level and recognizing and respecting needs.
Heather Hester
00:38:49
And there are so many ways you can illustrate this, but, you know, one that is just very common is, you know, thinking about how you might respect someone coming into your home who has a food allergy, right?
Heather Hester
00:39:05
You have someone coming over for dinner, you're having a dinner party, and one of your friends has a peanut allergy.
Heather Hester
00:39:12
Now, would you serve peanut chicken for dinner?
Heather Hester
00:39:16
Probably not, right?
Heather Hester
00:39:19
It is the same thing.
Heather Hester
00:39:21
It is the same thing.
Heather Hester
00:39:22
So it's just respecting individual needs.
Heather Hester
00:39:30
The next one that I'm going to share is a little bit triggering for me.
Heather Hester
00:39:34
It's a little bit hard, but I know that it's one I've seen pop up dozens of times this month.
Heather Hester
00:39:40
And I just really felt that it was important to address.
Heather Hester
00:39:44
And that is, why isn't there a straight Pride parade?
Heather Hester
00:39:49
So this one is the reason it is triggering is because it is part of one of the final conversations I had with my brother three years ago.
Heather Hester
00:40:02
And that is a story for another day.
Heather Hester
00:40:05
But it kind of falls into that same category as questions like, where's my special safe place?
Heather Hester
00:40:15
Or why should LGBTQIA people get special rights?
Heather Hester
00:40:20
And so on.
Heather Hester
00:40:22
So here's a few ways you can answer these type of questions.
Heather Hester
00:40:29
First, straight Pride happens every day.
Heather Hester
00:40:34
Meaning straight and cisgender people see themselves represented everywhere all of the time.
Heather Hester
00:40:42
In art, in film, in corporate.
Heather Hester
00:40:46
Right life, in awards and inventions.
Heather Hester
00:40:53
An LGBTQIA child can go through a typical K through 12 curricula and think that no LGBTQIA person has ever done anything of note or contributed to society.
Heather Hester
00:41:08
In any way.
Heather Hester
00:41:10
And as we all know, there are those who are unfortunately actively working to make sure that never happens.
Heather Hester
00:41:18
There's answer number one.
Heather Hester
00:41:21
Number two LGBTQIA people are not seeking special rights, they're seeking human rights, the rights that many take completely for granted or worse, abuse to keep themselves in power.
Heather Hester
00:41:44
Human rights the next When a child or teenager is bullied about race or religion, they typically have their parents to turn to for support and helpful suggestions because their parents have probably been through similar situations, right?
Heather Hester
00:42:07
However, parents and family members can sometimes be an additional source of stress or harm for an LGBTQIA plus child or teenager, leaving them with no one and no place to go.
Heather Hester
00:42:24
As we all know and have talked about many, many times, the rates for suicide and suicide attempts are significantly higher for LGBTQIA adolescents, teens and young adults than they are for their straight cisgender peers.
Heather Hester
00:42:40
Having even one safe person or safe place for LGBTQIA children or teens literally saves lives.
Heather Hester
00:42:55
Remember that being an ally is both a noun and a verb.
Heather Hester
00:43:01
Education and shifting take time.
Heather Hester
00:43:05
You will make mistakes and those around you will make mistakes.
Heather Hester
00:43:09
But it is far, far better to make those mistakes and keep moving forward than to not try at all.
Heather Hester
00:43:16
Our kids and the LGBTQIA community need us.
Heather Hester
00:43:25
Thank you so much for being here today and listening in.
Heather Hester
00:43:29
If you would like more information about my LGBTQIA language workshop, click on the link in the Show Notes and I will make sure that you get on the list.
Heather Hester
00:43:40
Until next time.
Heather Hester
00:43:44
Thanks so much for joining me today.
Heather Hester
00:43:47
If you enjoyed today's episode, I would be so grateful for a rating or a review.
Heather Hester
00:43:55
Click on the link in the show notes or go to my website chrysalismama.com to stay up to date on my latest resources as well as to learn how you can work with me.
Heather Hester
00:44:07
Please share this podcast with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone.
Heather Hester
00:44:13
And remember to just breathe.
Heather Hester
00:44:17
Until next time.
Heather Hester
00:44:20
Sa.
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