WEBVTT
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Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.119
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:28.239
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:29.440 --> 00:00:33.280
All right, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and the solo episode.
00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:38.799
Don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode, and the link is in the show notes.
00:00:38.960 --> 00:00:49.920
Please subscribe, like, and remember to rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm in the to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it.
00:00:50.240 --> 00:00:52.159
Say the same thing every week, but oh well.
00:00:52.240 --> 00:01:00.159
Okay, so listen, I do not care what anyone says, and I usually don't care what anyone says about anything, but when it comes to recovery, I don't care what anyone says.
00:01:00.320 --> 00:01:06.799
Recovery from chemsex is an entirely different journey than with any other substance or process addiction.
00:01:06.959 --> 00:01:20.000
Because these men aren't just quitting a chemical, they are walking away from a community, a culture, and at times a safe haven from the burden of societal norms right now.
00:01:20.400 --> 00:01:21.680
Just being a gay man.
00:01:22.239 --> 00:01:32.879
When you leave chem sex behind, you are not leaving behind a vice, you are leaving behind an identity, a set of relationships, a way of moving through the world.
00:01:33.519 --> 00:01:37.120
And when you leave it behind, you are grieving.
00:01:37.840 --> 00:01:43.920
You are given a temporary relief from the shit that gay men have to live with on a daily basis.
00:01:44.400 --> 00:01:47.599
You were given a free ticket to fuck without shame.
00:01:48.560 --> 00:01:52.560
You were given a free ticket to pursue your kinks and fetishes.
00:01:53.040 --> 00:01:56.959
You were given a ticket to have freedom from pain.
00:01:57.840 --> 00:02:05.439
And of course, we eventually realize that chem sex may provide relief from suffering, but it also becomes the cause of it.
00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:14.879
And that is when we realize that suffering, suffering that it causes outweighs that temporary relief that it provides.
00:02:15.439 --> 00:02:17.840
So we must walk away.
00:02:18.639 --> 00:02:21.439
That part of us must die.
00:02:22.240 --> 00:02:28.879
But the grief of this man that we were able to embody is very real.
00:02:29.680 --> 00:02:43.439
And I have found it helpful for men in recovery to compare their grieving process to the five stages of grief, first mapped out by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, for people facing death, physical death.
00:02:43.680 --> 00:02:47.199
And you may not move through these stages in order.
00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:53.039
You may spiral back and forth, you may camp out in one for days, weeks, months.
00:02:53.439 --> 00:02:55.360
That is how grief works.
00:02:55.520 --> 00:02:57.599
Okay, so let's go through these five stages.
00:02:57.759 --> 00:02:59.360
First one, denial.
00:02:59.599 --> 00:03:04.080
Denial is where most guys live before they even reach out to me or to anyone else.
00:03:04.400 --> 00:03:10.319
For me, I barely had time to be in denial because of my frequency of use.
00:03:10.639 --> 00:03:15.919
When you're slamming multiple times a day, your brain won't function at any kind of critical level.
00:03:16.159 --> 00:03:20.240
So but I do think subconsciously I was denying the problem.
00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:26.719
Because even when I was being evicted from my own home, I couldn't comprehend that it was actually happening.
00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:31.840
The sheriff put his arm around me, he was gently like escorted me out the door.
00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:35.039
And I stood on the street looking at my house in shock.
00:03:35.199 --> 00:03:37.520
Like I was officially unhoused.
00:03:38.319 --> 00:03:41.599
Denial for many guys can sound like this.
00:03:41.840 --> 00:03:43.360
Well, I can moderate.
00:03:43.680 --> 00:03:45.199
I can keep this going.
00:03:45.680 --> 00:03:47.680
I only take it for energy anyway.
00:03:48.000 --> 00:03:49.919
I can use it on the weekends.
00:03:50.240 --> 00:03:51.919
This is not a problem yet.
00:03:52.400 --> 00:03:54.400
My life is not falling apart yet.
00:03:55.120 --> 00:03:58.879
My dealer and my users' buddies are my best friends.
00:03:59.520 --> 00:04:00.719
The sex is incredible.
00:04:00.879 --> 00:04:02.400
The community accepts me.
00:04:02.639 --> 00:04:04.319
This is where I belong.
00:04:05.360 --> 00:04:13.520
Denial is the belief that you can sustain the chemsex life indefinitely without the consequence.
00:04:14.639 --> 00:04:19.360
It is the voice that's minimizing the problems.
00:04:20.319 --> 00:04:26.319
It is the voice that compares your using to other guys who may be way worse.
00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:30.639
Setting you up to look different, right?
00:04:30.879 --> 00:04:34.480
Like this is not denial, is not uh stupidity.
00:04:35.279 --> 00:04:36.800
Denial is survival.
00:04:37.519 --> 00:04:43.360
Your brain is protecting you from a truth that you're not ready to face yet.
00:04:44.240 --> 00:04:47.600
But denial also has an expiration date.
00:04:48.160 --> 00:04:51.839
Because at some point the evidence becomes undeniable.
00:04:52.720 --> 00:04:57.439
The ge outs that stack up, the money disappears, the loneliness deepens.
00:04:57.680 --> 00:05:10.560
Even in a room full of guys, the paranoia sets in, the body breaks down, and then you have a choice whether to keep denying or finally admit that this is costing you something you cannot afford to lose.
00:05:11.199 --> 00:05:14.480
And that is when the grief begins.
00:05:16.240 --> 00:05:18.399
Now, stage two, anger.
00:05:18.560 --> 00:05:26.639
So once you admit that there is a problem, the anger might come fast and it might come white hot, and anger needs a target.
00:05:26.879 --> 00:05:34.399
So during this stage, I held such unfounded contempt for those who cared for me the most.
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I was so bitter toward my mother and my sister who had kept me alive and safe during my youth when I had made so many misguided decisions.
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I was like a little child throwing a tantrum.
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Somebody took my candy away.
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And how I spent time dwelling on all the injustice in the world.
00:05:57.519 --> 00:05:59.759
Why couldn't I just enjoy myself?
00:05:59.920 --> 00:06:01.600
Why can't I just do this?
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You know, I just want to just have some kind of joy in my life.
00:06:05.279 --> 00:06:09.519
I've spent all my life uh in the closet and trying to be somebody different.
00:06:09.600 --> 00:06:12.480
And the one time I find something, you know, all the shit.
00:06:12.800 --> 00:06:15.120
Why can't I just live the life I want?
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Some other anger points that you may have, probably more reasonable.
00:06:19.680 --> 00:06:23.600
You're angry at your dealer for making it easy for you to use and relapse.
00:06:23.680 --> 00:06:26.639
You're angry at the guys who introduced you to this in the first place.
00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:35.680
You're angry at yourself for being so hungry for connection and loan and for connection and validation and attention that you walked into it willingly.
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:40.639
You are angry at the community for making it feel like home when it was actually quicksand.
00:06:41.040 --> 00:06:46.319
You are angry that you have to give up something that felt so good, so alive, and so real.
00:06:46.560 --> 00:06:56.079
You are angry that other guys get to keep using without consequences, you think, while you are here having to rebuild everything, which is bullshit.
00:06:56.319 --> 00:07:01.439
You are angry at recovery, at your coach, at your sponsor, at the process.
00:07:01.680 --> 00:07:09.920
It's asking you to grieve something beautiful and something terrible at the same time and asking you to do some hard work.
00:07:10.720 --> 00:07:13.519
The anger is righteous, okay?
00:07:13.759 --> 00:07:14.959
It is justified.
00:07:15.120 --> 00:07:23.680
But it is also the energy that can propel you forward, or it can keep you stuck.
00:07:24.399 --> 00:07:34.000
If you stay in anger without moving through it, you will use again just to punish everyone who hurt you, including yourself.
00:07:34.879 --> 00:07:36.959
The anger's telling you something here, though.
00:07:37.199 --> 00:07:44.240
Something something real was taken from you, and it hurts, and you're angry, and that's okay.
00:07:44.879 --> 00:07:47.120
All right, so let's talk about bargaining.
00:07:47.360 --> 00:07:52.639
Bargaining is a negotiation between the life you had and the life you're building.
00:07:52.720 --> 00:07:53.519
It's like a buffering.
00:07:53.680 --> 00:07:54.720
I also call it buffering.
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Bargaining buffering.
00:07:56.240 --> 00:08:01.920
I tried negotiating with Tina, but let me tell you, Tina will always win the negotiation.
00:08:02.160 --> 00:08:09.839
After some time being meth-free, I would convince myself that I was strong enough to use meth recreationally.
00:08:10.000 --> 00:08:11.120
Many milestones.
00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:14.639
I got to many milestones and relapsed because I thought I was strong enough.
00:08:14.720 --> 00:08:16.000
I thought I got to negotiate.
00:08:16.079 --> 00:08:19.040
I tried to fit so many different variables in place.
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I'm going to use once a month.
00:08:20.720 --> 00:08:22.399
I'm only going to use on vacation.
00:08:22.639 --> 00:08:24.480
I'm only going to use with so-and-so.
00:08:24.800 --> 00:08:26.560
Nothing ever worked for me.
00:08:26.800 --> 00:08:27.920
How are you bargaining?
00:08:28.079 --> 00:08:33.039
It might sound like if I just stay friends with these guys but don't use, I can keep the community.
00:08:33.279 --> 00:08:36.960
If I just see my dealer once to say goodbye, I can have closure.
00:08:37.200 --> 00:08:44.000
If I just go to one party sober, I can have sex and prove that I have control and I don't have to use.
00:08:44.480 --> 00:08:45.679
Tried that one.
00:08:45.919 --> 00:08:56.399
If I can be one of those guys who uses recreationally, who can handle it once in a while, I can maintain my relationships, my job, and my dignity.
00:08:56.720 --> 00:09:06.480
Bargaining is looking for every possible loophole, every exception, every way you might be different from the other guys who could not moderate.
00:09:06.720 --> 00:09:17.279
Bargaining is the compromise your mind offers you when you realize you can't have you cannot have both the chemsex life and your freedom.
00:09:17.519 --> 00:09:23.919
You're looking for the middle ground, the way to keep your part keep the parts you loved without paying the price.
00:09:24.240 --> 00:09:27.360
Listen, bargaining often looks also like a relapse.
00:09:27.519 --> 00:09:30.320
You meet up with an old friend, you tell yourself it's just to catch up.
00:09:30.399 --> 00:09:32.480
In the back of your mind, you know what's happening.
00:09:32.720 --> 00:09:37.600
Your body remembers, your nervous system recognizes this ritual, and suddenly you're using again.
00:09:37.679 --> 00:09:39.919
And you tell yourself, it's just this one time.
00:09:40.080 --> 00:09:42.080
I can stop whenever I want.
00:09:42.320 --> 00:09:45.600
Bargaining is the ghost of denial, but it's wearing a new mask.
00:09:45.759 --> 00:09:48.799
It is your grief trying to find a way to have it all.
00:09:49.039 --> 00:09:52.559
But there is no middle ground between freedom and the pull of myth.
00:09:52.720 --> 00:09:57.360
I'm telling you, the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can grieve fully.
00:09:57.519 --> 00:09:58.799
All right, depression.
00:09:59.120 --> 00:10:02.480
Depression is where the bargaining stops working.
00:10:02.720 --> 00:10:06.480
You've tried every negotiation, every loophole, every compromise.
00:10:06.720 --> 00:10:10.799
You have finally accepted that you cannot have both of these worlds.
00:10:10.960 --> 00:10:13.759
And that acceptance feels like you're drowning.
00:10:14.000 --> 00:10:20.080
When I was spit out on the other side of my bargaining, which looked like sitting in a jail, I fell into despair.
00:10:20.320 --> 00:10:28.000
The magnitude of what I had done and the magnitude of the road before me sunk me into a very dark pit.
00:10:28.159 --> 00:10:30.960
I was frozen with fear and regret.
00:10:31.120 --> 00:10:37.200
But depression can lead you right back to use because it feels like meth is the only relief.
00:10:37.440 --> 00:10:43.919
But thank God I was being drug tested multiple times a week because that forced me to feel my feelings.
00:10:44.159 --> 00:10:47.120
Depression and grief is not clinical sadness.
00:10:47.200 --> 00:10:49.440
It is the weight of finality.
00:10:49.679 --> 00:10:58.080
It is the moment you understand that those guys, that community, that version of yourself, that is gone and you will not get it back.
00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:04.240
The friendships that were built on shared using cannot exist in the same way sober most of the time.
00:11:04.480 --> 00:11:09.840
The dealer who was your best friend will not be your best friend when you stop buying, most of the time.
00:11:10.080 --> 00:11:17.759
The sex, the rush, the feeling of being wanted and desired and seen in that specific way, that is not coming back in the same form.
00:11:18.080 --> 00:11:37.440
Depression is where you give yourself permission to grieve what was real and what was good and what was alive in that life, even though it was destroying you, because it is okay to admit that you had a good time, that you will allow your you that will allow you to move to the next stage.
00:11:38.320 --> 00:11:44.159
This is the moment to practice allowing your emotions to fully express themselves.
00:11:44.480 --> 00:11:47.600
Feel the depression fully.
00:11:47.919 --> 00:11:51.919
Do not make yourself feel better, feel the depression better.
00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:55.600
Because in that depression is the final surrender.
00:11:55.919 --> 00:12:01.919
You wave that white flag, and in that surrender is the readiness to move on.
00:12:03.039 --> 00:12:04.960
Lastly, acceptance.
00:12:05.200 --> 00:12:09.200
Acceptance is not happiness about what you lost, it's not gratitude for the pain.
00:12:09.360 --> 00:12:14.240
Acceptance is the moment you stop fighting the reality of your new life.
00:12:14.399 --> 00:12:15.600
It's calling you.
00:12:15.759 --> 00:12:18.879
Your new identity, your new life is pulling you forward.
00:12:19.120 --> 00:12:24.159
It is the moment you fully embody and emotionally connect with the 2.0 version of yourself.
00:12:24.399 --> 00:12:31.519
You have viscerally connected with your new identity and you have a clear idea of how you're going to show up after myth.
00:12:31.759 --> 00:12:34.480
You start asking yourself, what would this version of me do right now?
00:12:34.639 --> 00:12:35.600
What would he be thinking?
00:12:35.759 --> 00:12:38.159
How would he spend his day, his time, his energy?
00:12:38.480 --> 00:12:44.720
Acceptance is when you have taken your vision and embraced it with every cell of your body.
00:12:44.879 --> 00:12:50.720
The chemsex identity is gone and you are still here, you're still alive, you're still worthy.
00:12:50.879 --> 00:12:56.399
The guys, the dealer, the community, the rush, that that chapter has closed.
00:12:56.960 --> 00:13:02.159
And you do not have to keep one door, one foot in that doorway hoping that it opens again.
00:13:02.399 --> 00:13:06.240
Acceptance is when you can remember the good moments without needing to go back.
00:13:06.480 --> 00:13:16.720
You can acknowledge that you had real connection, real pleasure, real belonging in that life, and also know with absolute certainty that staying would have killed you.
00:13:16.960 --> 00:13:23.919
You are building something that lasts, and you are becoming somebody you actually want to be.
00:13:24.159 --> 00:13:36.879
All right, so you may see yourself in all five of these sages, and you may spiral between them back and forth, and you may camp out in one for longer than it feels comfortable for you, but that is the shape of real grief.
00:13:37.120 --> 00:13:38.799
The invitation here is very simple.
00:13:38.960 --> 00:13:41.279
Where are you showing up the most right now?
00:13:41.440 --> 00:13:42.320
Let's look at that.
00:13:42.559 --> 00:13:45.360
Which stage is asking for your attention right now?
00:13:45.600 --> 00:13:56.559
So in the podcast ahead, we're going to break down each stage in depth, and you're going to learn what it actually feels like to move through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.
00:13:56.720 --> 00:14:06.240
And you will get a real plan for processing each one, tools that work with what arises, and a path forward from wherever you are standing right this minute.
00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:09.039
And for now, just notice.
00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:11.840
Just witness where you live in this grief.
00:14:12.159 --> 00:14:17.919
That awareness is already the beginning of moving through it.
00:14:18.159 --> 00:14:19.840
All right, guys, I hope you enjoyed this.
00:14:19.919 --> 00:14:20.720
I hope this helps.
00:14:20.879 --> 00:14:27.039
Please give me comments on YouTube and Spotify if you'd like, or DM me on any social media anywhere at any time.
00:14:27.200 --> 00:14:27.679
Love you.
00:14:27.919 --> 00:14:28.960
See you next week.
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:01.520
Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.119
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:28.239
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:29.440 --> 00:00:33.280
All right, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and the solo episode.
00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:38.799
Don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode, and the link is in the show notes.
00:00:38.960 --> 00:00:49.920
Please subscribe, like, and remember to rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm in the to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it.
00:00:50.240 --> 00:00:52.159
Say the same thing every week, but oh well.
00:00:52.240 --> 00:01:00.159
Okay, so listen, I do not care what anyone says, and I usually don't care what anyone says about anything, but when it comes to recovery, I don't care what anyone says.
00:01:00.320 --> 00:01:06.799
Recovery from chemsex is an entirely different journey than with any other substance or process addiction.
00:01:06.959 --> 00:01:20.000
Because these men aren't just quitting a chemical, they are walking away from a community, a culture, and at times a safe haven from the burden of societal norms right now.
00:01:20.400 --> 00:01:21.680
Just being a gay man.
00:01:22.239 --> 00:01:32.879
When you leave chem sex behind, you are not leaving behind a vice, you are leaving behind an identity, a set of relationships, a way of moving through the world.
00:01:33.519 --> 00:01:37.120
And when you leave it behind, you are grieving.
00:01:37.840 --> 00:01:43.920
You are given a temporary relief from the shit that gay men have to live with on a daily basis.
00:01:44.400 --> 00:01:47.599
You were given a free ticket to fuck without shame.
00:01:48.560 --> 00:01:52.560
You were given a free ticket to pursue your kinks and fetishes.
00:01:53.040 --> 00:01:56.959
You were given a ticket to have freedom from pain.
00:01:57.840 --> 00:02:05.439
And of course, we eventually realize that chem sex may provide relief from suffering, but it also becomes the cause of it.
00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:14.879
And that is when we realize that suffering, suffering that it causes outweighs that temporary relief that it provides.
00:02:15.439 --> 00:02:17.840
So we must walk away.
00:02:18.639 --> 00:02:21.439
That part of us must die.
00:02:22.240 --> 00:02:28.879
But the grief of this man that we were able to embody is very real.
00:02:29.680 --> 00:02:43.439
And I have found it helpful for men in recovery to compare their grieving process to the five stages of grief, first mapped out by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, for people facing death, physical death.
00:02:43.680 --> 00:02:47.199
And you may not move through these stages in order.
00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:53.039
You may spiral back and forth, you may camp out in one for days, weeks, months.
00:02:53.439 --> 00:02:55.360
That is how grief works.
00:02:55.520 --> 00:02:57.599
Okay, so let's go through these five stages.
00:02:57.759 --> 00:02:59.360
First one, denial.
00:02:59.599 --> 00:03:04.080
Denial is where most guys live before they even reach out to me or to anyone else.
00:03:04.400 --> 00:03:10.319
For me, I barely had time to be in denial because of my frequency of use.
00:03:10.639 --> 00:03:15.919
When you're slamming multiple times a day, your brain won't function at any kind of critical level.
00:03:16.159 --> 00:03:20.240
So but I do think subconsciously I was denying the problem.
00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:26.719
Because even when I was being evicted from my own home, I couldn't comprehend that it was actually happening.
00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:31.840
The sheriff put his arm around me, he was gently like escorted me out the door.
00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:35.039
And I stood on the street looking at my house in shock.
00:03:35.199 --> 00:03:37.520
Like I was officially unhoused.
00:03:38.319 --> 00:03:41.599
Denial for many guys can sound like this.
00:03:41.840 --> 00:03:43.360
Well, I can moderate.
00:03:43.680 --> 00:03:45.199
I can keep this going.
00:03:45.680 --> 00:03:47.680
I only take it for energy anyway.
00:03:48.000 --> 00:03:49.919
I can use it on the weekends.
00:03:50.240 --> 00:03:51.919
This is not a problem yet.
00:03:52.400 --> 00:03:54.400
My life is not falling apart yet.
00:03:55.120 --> 00:03:58.879
My dealer and my users' buddies are my best friends.
00:03:59.520 --> 00:04:00.719
The sex is incredible.
00:04:00.879 --> 00:04:02.400
The community accepts me.
00:04:02.639 --> 00:04:04.319
This is where I belong.
00:04:05.360 --> 00:04:13.520
Denial is the belief that you can sustain the chemsex life indefinitely without the consequence.
00:04:14.639 --> 00:04:19.360
It is the voice that's minimizing the problems.
00:04:20.319 --> 00:04:26.319
It is the voice that compares your using to other guys who may be way worse.
00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:30.639
Setting you up to look different, right?
00:04:30.879 --> 00:04:34.480
Like this is not denial, is not uh stupidity.
00:04:35.279 --> 00:04:36.800
Denial is survival.
00:04:37.519 --> 00:04:43.360
Your brain is protecting you from a truth that you're not ready to face yet.
00:04:44.240 --> 00:04:47.600
But denial also has an expiration date.
00:04:48.160 --> 00:04:51.839
Because at some point the evidence becomes undeniable.
00:04:52.720 --> 00:04:57.439
The ge outs that stack up, the money disappears, the loneliness deepens.
00:04:57.680 --> 00:05:10.560
Even in a room full of guys, the paranoia sets in, the body breaks down, and then you have a choice whether to keep denying or finally admit that this is costing you something you cannot afford to lose.
00:05:11.199 --> 00:05:14.480
And that is when the grief begins.
00:05:16.240 --> 00:05:18.399
Now, stage two, anger.
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So once you admit that there is a problem, the anger might come fast and it might come white hot, and anger needs a target.
00:05:26.879 --> 00:05:34.399
So during this stage, I held such unfounded contempt for those who cared for me the most.
00:05:34.639 --> 00:05:44.639
I was so bitter toward my mother and my sister who had kept me alive and safe during my youth when I had made so many misguided decisions.
00:05:45.120 --> 00:05:47.920
I was like a little child throwing a tantrum.
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Somebody took my candy away.
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And how I spent time dwelling on all the injustice in the world.
00:05:57.519 --> 00:05:59.759
Why couldn't I just enjoy myself?
00:05:59.920 --> 00:06:01.600
Why can't I just do this?
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You know, I just want to just have some kind of joy in my life.
00:06:05.279 --> 00:06:09.519
I've spent all my life uh in the closet and trying to be somebody different.
00:06:09.600 --> 00:06:12.480
And the one time I find something, you know, all the shit.
00:06:12.800 --> 00:06:15.120
Why can't I just live the life I want?
00:06:15.759 --> 00:06:19.439
Some other anger points that you may have, probably more reasonable.
00:06:19.680 --> 00:06:23.600
You're angry at your dealer for making it easy for you to use and relapse.
00:06:23.680 --> 00:06:26.639
You're angry at the guys who introduced you to this in the first place.
00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:35.680
You're angry at yourself for being so hungry for connection and loan and for connection and validation and attention that you walked into it willingly.
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:40.639
You are angry at the community for making it feel like home when it was actually quicksand.
00:06:41.040 --> 00:06:46.319
You are angry that you have to give up something that felt so good, so alive, and so real.
00:06:46.560 --> 00:06:56.079
You are angry that other guys get to keep using without consequences, you think, while you are here having to rebuild everything, which is bullshit.
00:06:56.319 --> 00:07:01.439
You are angry at recovery, at your coach, at your sponsor, at the process.
00:07:01.680 --> 00:07:09.920
It's asking you to grieve something beautiful and something terrible at the same time and asking you to do some hard work.
00:07:10.720 --> 00:07:13.519
The anger is righteous, okay?
00:07:13.759 --> 00:07:14.959
It is justified.
00:07:15.120 --> 00:07:23.680
But it is also the energy that can propel you forward, or it can keep you stuck.
00:07:24.399 --> 00:07:34.000
If you stay in anger without moving through it, you will use again just to punish everyone who hurt you, including yourself.
00:07:34.879 --> 00:07:36.959
The anger's telling you something here, though.
00:07:37.199 --> 00:07:44.240
Something something real was taken from you, and it hurts, and you're angry, and that's okay.
00:07:44.879 --> 00:07:47.120
All right, so let's talk about bargaining.
00:07:47.360 --> 00:07:52.639
Bargaining is a negotiation between the life you had and the life you're building.
00:07:52.720 --> 00:07:53.519
It's like a buffering.
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I also call it buffering.
00:07:54.959 --> 00:07:55.920
Bargaining buffering.
00:07:56.240 --> 00:08:01.920
I tried negotiating with Tina, but let me tell you, Tina will always win the negotiation.
00:08:02.160 --> 00:08:09.839
After some time being meth-free, I would convince myself that I was strong enough to use meth recreationally.
00:08:10.000 --> 00:08:11.120
Many milestones.
00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:14.639
I got to many milestones and relapsed because I thought I was strong enough.
00:08:14.720 --> 00:08:16.000
I thought I got to negotiate.
00:08:16.079 --> 00:08:19.040
I tried to fit so many different variables in place.
00:08:19.199 --> 00:08:20.560
I'm going to use once a month.
00:08:20.720 --> 00:08:22.399
I'm only going to use on vacation.
00:08:22.639 --> 00:08:24.480
I'm only going to use with so-and-so.
00:08:24.800 --> 00:08:26.560
Nothing ever worked for me.
00:08:26.800 --> 00:08:27.920
How are you bargaining?
00:08:28.079 --> 00:08:33.039
It might sound like if I just stay friends with these guys but don't use, I can keep the community.
00:08:33.279 --> 00:08:36.960
If I just see my dealer once to say goodbye, I can have closure.
00:08:37.200 --> 00:08:44.000
If I just go to one party sober, I can have sex and prove that I have control and I don't have to use.
00:08:44.480 --> 00:08:45.679
Tried that one.
00:08:45.919 --> 00:08:56.399
If I can be one of those guys who uses recreationally, who can handle it once in a while, I can maintain my relationships, my job, and my dignity.
00:08:56.720 --> 00:09:06.480
Bargaining is looking for every possible loophole, every exception, every way you might be different from the other guys who could not moderate.
00:09:06.720 --> 00:09:17.279
Bargaining is the compromise your mind offers you when you realize you can't have you cannot have both the chemsex life and your freedom.
00:09:17.519 --> 00:09:23.919
You're looking for the middle ground, the way to keep your part keep the parts you loved without paying the price.
00:09:24.240 --> 00:09:27.360
Listen, bargaining often looks also like a relapse.
00:09:27.519 --> 00:09:30.320
You meet up with an old friend, you tell yourself it's just to catch up.
00:09:30.399 --> 00:09:32.480
In the back of your mind, you know what's happening.
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Your body remembers, your nervous system recognizes this ritual, and suddenly you're using again.
00:09:37.679 --> 00:09:39.919
And you tell yourself, it's just this one time.
00:09:40.080 --> 00:09:42.080
I can stop whenever I want.
00:09:42.320 --> 00:09:45.600
Bargaining is the ghost of denial, but it's wearing a new mask.
00:09:45.759 --> 00:09:48.799
It is your grief trying to find a way to have it all.
00:09:49.039 --> 00:09:52.559
But there is no middle ground between freedom and the pull of myth.
00:09:52.720 --> 00:09:57.360
I'm telling you, the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can grieve fully.
00:09:57.519 --> 00:09:58.799
All right, depression.
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Depression is where the bargaining stops working.
00:10:02.720 --> 00:10:06.480
You've tried every negotiation, every loophole, every compromise.
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You have finally accepted that you cannot have both of these worlds.
00:10:10.960 --> 00:10:13.759
And that acceptance feels like you're drowning.
00:10:14.000 --> 00:10:20.080
When I was spit out on the other side of my bargaining, which looked like sitting in a jail, I fell into despair.
00:10:20.320 --> 00:10:28.000
The magnitude of what I had done and the magnitude of the road before me sunk me into a very dark pit.
00:10:28.159 --> 00:10:30.960
I was frozen with fear and regret.
00:10:31.120 --> 00:10:37.200
But depression can lead you right back to use because it feels like meth is the only relief.
00:10:37.440 --> 00:10:43.919
But thank God I was being drug tested multiple times a week because that forced me to feel my feelings.
00:10:44.159 --> 00:10:47.120
Depression and grief is not clinical sadness.
00:10:47.200 --> 00:10:49.440
It is the weight of finality.
00:10:49.679 --> 00:10:58.080
It is the moment you understand that those guys, that community, that version of yourself, that is gone and you will not get it back.
00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:04.240
The friendships that were built on shared using cannot exist in the same way sober most of the time.
00:11:04.480 --> 00:11:09.840
The dealer who was your best friend will not be your best friend when you stop buying, most of the time.
00:11:10.080 --> 00:11:17.759
The sex, the rush, the feeling of being wanted and desired and seen in that specific way, that is not coming back in the same form.
00:11:18.080 --> 00:11:37.440
Depression is where you give yourself permission to grieve what was real and what was good and what was alive in that life, even though it was destroying you, because it is okay to admit that you had a good time, that you will allow your you that will allow you to move to the next stage.
00:11:38.320 --> 00:11:44.159
This is the moment to practice allowing your emotions to fully express themselves.
00:11:44.480 --> 00:11:47.600
Feel the depression fully.
00:11:47.919 --> 00:11:51.919
Do not make yourself feel better, feel the depression better.
00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:55.600
Because in that depression is the final surrender.
00:11:55.919 --> 00:12:01.919
You wave that white flag, and in that surrender is the readiness to move on.
00:12:03.039 --> 00:12:04.960
Lastly, acceptance.
00:12:05.200 --> 00:12:09.200
Acceptance is not happiness about what you lost, it's not gratitude for the pain.
00:12:09.360 --> 00:12:14.240
Acceptance is the moment you stop fighting the reality of your new life.
00:12:14.399 --> 00:12:15.600
It's calling you.
00:12:15.759 --> 00:12:18.879
Your new identity, your new life is pulling you forward.
00:12:19.120 --> 00:12:24.159
It is the moment you fully embody and emotionally connect with the 2.0 version of yourself.
00:12:24.399 --> 00:12:31.519
You have viscerally connected with your new identity and you have a clear idea of how you're going to show up after myth.
00:12:31.759 --> 00:12:34.480
You start asking yourself, what would this version of me do right now?
00:12:34.639 --> 00:12:35.600
What would he be thinking?
00:12:35.759 --> 00:12:38.159
How would he spend his day, his time, his energy?
00:12:38.480 --> 00:12:44.720
Acceptance is when you have taken your vision and embraced it with every cell of your body.
00:12:44.879 --> 00:12:50.720
The chemsex identity is gone and you are still here, you're still alive, you're still worthy.
00:12:50.879 --> 00:12:56.399
The guys, the dealer, the community, the rush, that that chapter has closed.
00:12:56.960 --> 00:13:02.159
And you do not have to keep one door, one foot in that doorway hoping that it opens again.
00:13:02.399 --> 00:13:06.240
Acceptance is when you can remember the good moments without needing to go back.
00:13:06.480 --> 00:13:16.720
You can acknowledge that you had real connection, real pleasure, real belonging in that life, and also know with absolute certainty that staying would have killed you.
00:13:16.960 --> 00:13:23.919
You are building something that lasts, and you are becoming somebody you actually want to be.
00:13:24.159 --> 00:13:36.879
All right, so you may see yourself in all five of these sages, and you may spiral between them back and forth, and you may camp out in one for longer than it feels comfortable for you, but that is the shape of real grief.
00:13:37.120 --> 00:13:38.799
The invitation here is very simple.
00:13:38.960 --> 00:13:41.279
Where are you showing up the most right now?
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Let's look at that.
00:13:42.559 --> 00:13:45.360
Which stage is asking for your attention right now?
00:13:45.600 --> 00:13:56.559
So in the podcast ahead, we're going to break down each stage in depth, and you're going to learn what it actually feels like to move through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.
00:13:56.720 --> 00:14:06.240
And you will get a real plan for processing each one, tools that work with what arises, and a path forward from wherever you are standing right this minute.
00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:09.039
And for now, just notice.
00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:11.840
Just witness where you live in this grief.
00:14:12.159 --> 00:14:17.919
That awareness is already the beginning of moving through it.
00:14:18.159 --> 00:14:19.840
All right, guys, I hope you enjoyed this.
00:14:19.919 --> 00:14:20.720
I hope this helps.
00:14:20.879 --> 00:14:27.039
Please give me comments on YouTube and Spotify if you'd like, or DM me on any social media anywhere at any time.
00:14:27.200 --> 00:14:27.679
Love you.
00:14:27.919 --> 00:14:28.960
See you next week.
