WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:06.480
Think of all the times you've been asked to do something, and before you could even think it through, you heard the words come out of your mouth.
00:00:06.799 --> 00:00:08.640
Sure, I'd be happy to.
00:00:08.880 --> 00:00:18.000
Then you felt stuck between disappointing the person or thing you committed to and being true to what you wanted or needed, which didn't include doing it.
00:00:18.239 --> 00:00:27.600
It happens to us all, especially when we're in times of higher stress, in positions where we feel the need to prove ourselves, or when we're looking for new opportunities to come our way.
00:00:27.839 --> 00:00:31.440
But for every yes you didn't mean, there was a recipient.
00:00:31.679 --> 00:00:37.920
Somebody got the favor, the extra shift, the weekend, and the version of you that showed up smiling but depleted.
00:00:38.079 --> 00:00:46.479
And you did it because you didn't want to disappoint someone else, which is valid, but the thing is, the disappointment that you were avoiding wasn't truly avoided.
00:00:46.640 --> 00:00:48.880
It just got redirected back to you.
00:00:49.119 --> 00:00:55.520
Hi, I'm Jordana, the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the Imbrief podcast, and today we're talking about boundaries.
00:00:55.759 --> 00:00:59.600
Specifically, building the willingness to disappoint people.
00:00:59.840 --> 00:01:05.680
That's what a boundary actually costs, not conflict like most of us think, and not confrontation.
00:01:05.920 --> 00:01:09.920
Just discomfort of someone being briefly let down by your no.
00:01:10.159 --> 00:01:15.040
And for many of us, we've been paying an incredibly high price just to avoid that moment.
00:01:17.120 --> 00:01:18.319
This is in brief.
00:01:18.480 --> 00:01:19.760
Let's get to it.
00:01:28.319 --> 00:01:34.239
When you say yes to something you don't have the capacity or desire for, the cost doesn't vanish.
00:01:34.400 --> 00:01:35.599
It just transfers.
00:01:35.920 --> 00:01:46.480
The other person's disappointment, which would have lasted probably a moment, soon becomes your resentment, which lasts far longer and sometimes beyond the whole commitment.
00:01:46.719 --> 00:01:51.920
Their brief discomfort becomes your Saturday or your energy, your evening, your margin.
00:01:52.239 --> 00:01:55.519
We do it because we think we're being kind and helpful.
00:01:55.680 --> 00:01:58.400
But chronic over agreeing isn't generosity.
00:01:58.560 --> 00:02:03.760
It's a transfer program where you're always the payer and the ledger always compounds.
00:02:04.079 --> 00:02:10.000
See, one reluctant yes is nothing, a few hours or days of doing something that you don't really want to do.
00:02:10.240 --> 00:02:15.680
But a decade of them is a life shaped substantially by other people's requests.
00:02:15.840 --> 00:02:30.800
A calendar full of obligations you never choose, relationships subtly soured by resentment the other person doesn't even know exists, and a quiet, growing distance from your own preferences because you've overridden them so many times that they stopped speaking up.
00:02:31.199 --> 00:02:34.000
Still we do it because the no is hard.
00:02:34.159 --> 00:02:38.240
But even though it's hard, it's important that we understand it's not weakness.
00:02:38.479 --> 00:02:40.479
For most of us, it's just history.
00:02:40.719 --> 00:02:45.120
Somewhere, being agreeable was rewarded or being difficult was punished.
00:02:45.360 --> 00:02:48.159
In service, availability was a requirement.
00:02:48.319 --> 00:02:52.479
The reliable one who never says no gets trusted and promoted.
00:02:52.719 --> 00:03:00.000
In families, the peacekeeper role often gets assigned early and never revoked, and the yes reflex is trained.
00:03:00.240 --> 00:03:04.879
Which is good news in a way because trained things can be retrained.
00:03:05.120 --> 00:03:15.280
There's also a story we tell ourselves that requires a bit more examination, and it's the belief that disappointing someone or telling them no damages the relationship.
00:03:15.520 --> 00:03:17.039
Mostly that's backwards.
00:03:17.199 --> 00:03:20.240
Relationships aren't damaged by honest no's.
00:03:20.400 --> 00:03:32.960
They're damaged by dishonest yeses, by the resentment that builds, the withdrawal that follows, the eventual blow up or fade out that the other person never saw coming because you never once said no along the way.
00:03:33.199 --> 00:03:35.199
A true no is information.
00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:37.520
It lets people know where you actually are.
00:03:37.759 --> 00:03:40.800
And over time, that's what trust is made out of.
00:03:41.360 --> 00:03:46.800
Notice too what your yes is worth to the people around you when it's automatic, which is probably nothing.
00:03:47.039 --> 00:03:53.439
If you say yes to everything, your yes carries no information and in turn for many carries no value.
00:03:53.680 --> 00:03:58.000
But a no here and there is what makes your yes a currency instead of a reflex.
00:03:58.159 --> 00:04:03.120
And the people who agree selectively are the ones whose agreement means something.
00:04:03.439 --> 00:04:09.599
Now all of this sounds great, but for someone who has trained themselves to say yes almost immediately, it's useless advice.
00:04:09.759 --> 00:04:12.159
And trust me, this is coming from a pro.
00:04:12.479 --> 00:04:16.000
So here are a few mechanics that can help along the way.
00:04:16.319 --> 00:04:18.240
First, buy time.
00:04:18.639 --> 00:04:21.759
The yes reflex operates at conversational speed.
00:04:21.920 --> 00:04:27.040
Someone asks, and the agreement is out of your mouth before your actual capacity gets a vote.
00:04:27.360 --> 00:04:30.079
So, install in an automatic delay.
00:04:30.240 --> 00:04:35.279
Instead of your reflexive answer of sure, turn the reflexive answer into, let me check on that.
00:04:35.360 --> 00:04:36.639
I'll get back to you tomorrow.
00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:47.600
That one sentence used consistently catches the majority of reluctant yeses before they happen, because with 12 hours of distance, your real answer becomes clearer.
00:04:47.839 --> 00:04:50.560
Second, say no without a court case.
00:04:50.800 --> 00:04:58.879
We have a natural, societally programmed instinct to justify, to build an airtight explanation that the other person must accept.
00:04:59.120 --> 00:05:07.759
After all, the justification creates a win-win situation where you don't have to do the thing, but the other person understands why you can't and isn't disappointed.
00:05:08.000 --> 00:05:12.399
But the thing to keep in mind is that an explanation invites negotiation.
00:05:12.720 --> 00:05:15.439
Every reason you give is a thing that they can argue with.
00:05:15.680 --> 00:05:20.560
I'm sorry, I'm busy Friday can be pushed back with, oh okay, well, how about Saturday?
00:05:20.800 --> 00:05:25.439
Compare that to, I can't take that on right now, which is complete on its own.
00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:29.199
A kind tone, a clean sentence, and no appeal process.
00:05:29.759 --> 00:05:33.920
Third, expect discomfort and let it be the price.
00:05:34.160 --> 00:05:37.120
When you start declining, two things are probably going to happen.
00:05:37.360 --> 00:05:42.399
One, you'll feel guilt, and that's the old training firing, and it fades with repetition.
00:05:42.639 --> 00:05:51.600
But then you'll see that some people will push back, and notably, these are likely the ones who benefited most from your reflex to say yes.
00:05:51.839 --> 00:05:56.480
A person who reacts badly to a reasonable boundary is showing you what the arrangement was.
00:05:56.720 --> 00:06:01.519
They weren't necessarily valuing you, they were valuing your availability.
00:06:01.680 --> 00:06:06.160
And while that's uncomfortable to realize, and it's also very useful to know.
00:06:06.639 --> 00:06:09.519
Fourth, aim the courage where it counts.
00:06:09.839 --> 00:06:12.959
This isn't about becoming a person who declines everything.
00:06:13.199 --> 00:06:17.279
I'm sure there are plenty of yeses in your life that are wholehearted and should stay.
00:06:17.519 --> 00:06:20.639
But to audit that, ask yourself a simple question.
00:06:20.879 --> 00:06:26.079
Which recurring yeses in my life currently produce the most private resentment?
00:06:26.319 --> 00:06:30.480
If one immediately pops to mind, wonder no longer, that's the one.
00:06:30.639 --> 00:06:32.399
That's the boundary that's due.
00:06:32.560 --> 00:06:35.759
So don't worry about walling yourself off on all sides at once.
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:41.920
Sometimes one honest no delivered kindly can defuse the request that's been costing you the most.
00:06:42.720 --> 00:06:45.759
Now, doing all these things isn't going to solve all the problems.
00:06:45.839 --> 00:06:51.600
You're probably still going to feel a bit guilty now and again, especially as you begin to set standards for yourself.
00:06:51.839 --> 00:06:55.040
But keep in mind that disappointing someone is not harming them.
00:06:55.199 --> 00:06:57.040
Adults survive being told no.
00:06:57.199 --> 00:07:01.920
They get told no constantly by schedules, by budgets, by everyone with functioning boundaries.
00:07:02.160 --> 00:07:06.879
You are not the last line of defense against other people's disappointment, and you never were.
00:07:07.040 --> 00:07:11.279
Treating yourself like you are is just grandiosity that dresses up like kindness.
00:07:11.759 --> 00:07:15.279
What's actually at stake here is bigger than any single request.
00:07:15.439 --> 00:07:23.600
A life where you can't disappoint anyone is a life where everyone's preferences outranke yours, permanently, structurally, and by policy.
00:07:23.759 --> 00:07:31.839
The occasional willingness to let someone down is what makes it possible to build days and goals and achievements that are recognizably yours.
00:07:32.079 --> 00:07:36.639
The fact is, in this situation, someone is going to be disappointed either way.
00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:41.360
The only real question is whether it's occasionally them or constantly you.
00:07:45.759 --> 00:07:51.120
Leaving the military can feel chaotic, especially when you feel you should have a plan right away.
00:07:51.360 --> 00:07:54.480
But not knowing what's next doesn't mean you're failing.
00:07:54.639 --> 00:07:56.399
It means you're in transition.
00:07:56.639 --> 00:08:12.959
At the Recon Network, we help veterans and military spouses navigate transition by focusing on stability, direction, and alignment before outcomes are expected, so you can map your future without rushing the wrong move or spending years building a life out of sync with your purpose.
00:08:13.199 --> 00:08:15.199
Don't rush your next step.
00:08:15.360 --> 00:08:17.920
Navigate it with intention with Recon.
00:08:18.480 --> 00:08:22.800
Learn more about our programs and services at recon.vet.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:06.480
Think of all the times you've been asked to do something, and before you could even think it through, you heard the words come out of your mouth.
00:00:06.799 --> 00:00:08.640
Sure, I'd be happy to.
00:00:08.880 --> 00:00:18.000
Then you felt stuck between disappointing the person or thing you committed to and being true to what you wanted or needed, which didn't include doing it.
00:00:18.239 --> 00:00:27.600
It happens to us all, especially when we're in times of higher stress, in positions where we feel the need to prove ourselves, or when we're looking for new opportunities to come our way.
00:00:27.839 --> 00:00:31.440
But for every yes you didn't mean, there was a recipient.
00:00:31.679 --> 00:00:37.920
Somebody got the favor, the extra shift, the weekend, and the version of you that showed up smiling but depleted.
00:00:38.079 --> 00:00:46.479
And you did it because you didn't want to disappoint someone else, which is valid, but the thing is, the disappointment that you were avoiding wasn't truly avoided.
00:00:46.640 --> 00:00:48.880
It just got redirected back to you.
00:00:49.119 --> 00:00:55.520
Hi, I'm Jordana, the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the Imbrief podcast, and today we're talking about boundaries.
00:00:55.759 --> 00:00:59.600
Specifically, building the willingness to disappoint people.
00:00:59.840 --> 00:01:05.680
That's what a boundary actually costs, not conflict like most of us think, and not confrontation.
00:01:05.920 --> 00:01:09.920
Just discomfort of someone being briefly let down by your no.
00:01:10.159 --> 00:01:15.040
And for many of us, we've been paying an incredibly high price just to avoid that moment.
00:01:17.120 --> 00:01:18.319
This is in brief.
00:01:18.480 --> 00:01:19.760
Let's get to it.
00:01:28.319 --> 00:01:34.239
When you say yes to something you don't have the capacity or desire for, the cost doesn't vanish.
00:01:34.400 --> 00:01:35.599
It just transfers.
00:01:35.920 --> 00:01:46.480
The other person's disappointment, which would have lasted probably a moment, soon becomes your resentment, which lasts far longer and sometimes beyond the whole commitment.
00:01:46.719 --> 00:01:51.920
Their brief discomfort becomes your Saturday or your energy, your evening, your margin.
00:01:52.239 --> 00:01:55.519
We do it because we think we're being kind and helpful.
00:01:55.680 --> 00:01:58.400
But chronic over agreeing isn't generosity.
00:01:58.560 --> 00:02:03.760
It's a transfer program where you're always the payer and the ledger always compounds.
00:02:04.079 --> 00:02:10.000
See, one reluctant yes is nothing, a few hours or days of doing something that you don't really want to do.
00:02:10.240 --> 00:02:15.680
But a decade of them is a life shaped substantially by other people's requests.
00:02:15.840 --> 00:02:30.800
A calendar full of obligations you never choose, relationships subtly soured by resentment the other person doesn't even know exists, and a quiet, growing distance from your own preferences because you've overridden them so many times that they stopped speaking up.
00:02:31.199 --> 00:02:34.000
Still we do it because the no is hard.
00:02:34.159 --> 00:02:38.240
But even though it's hard, it's important that we understand it's not weakness.
00:02:38.479 --> 00:02:40.479
For most of us, it's just history.
00:02:40.719 --> 00:02:45.120
Somewhere, being agreeable was rewarded or being difficult was punished.
00:02:45.360 --> 00:02:48.159
In service, availability was a requirement.
00:02:48.319 --> 00:02:52.479
The reliable one who never says no gets trusted and promoted.
00:02:52.719 --> 00:03:00.000
In families, the peacekeeper role often gets assigned early and never revoked, and the yes reflex is trained.
00:03:00.240 --> 00:03:04.879
Which is good news in a way because trained things can be retrained.
00:03:05.120 --> 00:03:15.280
There's also a story we tell ourselves that requires a bit more examination, and it's the belief that disappointing someone or telling them no damages the relationship.
00:03:15.520 --> 00:03:17.039
Mostly that's backwards.
00:03:17.199 --> 00:03:20.240
Relationships aren't damaged by honest no's.
00:03:20.400 --> 00:03:32.960
They're damaged by dishonest yeses, by the resentment that builds, the withdrawal that follows, the eventual blow up or fade out that the other person never saw coming because you never once said no along the way.
00:03:33.199 --> 00:03:35.199
A true no is information.
00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:37.520
It lets people know where you actually are.
00:03:37.759 --> 00:03:40.800
And over time, that's what trust is made out of.
00:03:41.360 --> 00:03:46.800
Notice too what your yes is worth to the people around you when it's automatic, which is probably nothing.
00:03:47.039 --> 00:03:53.439
If you say yes to everything, your yes carries no information and in turn for many carries no value.
00:03:53.680 --> 00:03:58.000
But a no here and there is what makes your yes a currency instead of a reflex.
00:03:58.159 --> 00:04:03.120
And the people who agree selectively are the ones whose agreement means something.
00:04:03.439 --> 00:04:09.599
Now all of this sounds great, but for someone who has trained themselves to say yes almost immediately, it's useless advice.
00:04:09.759 --> 00:04:12.159
And trust me, this is coming from a pro.
00:04:12.479 --> 00:04:16.000
So here are a few mechanics that can help along the way.
00:04:16.319 --> 00:04:18.240
First, buy time.
00:04:18.639 --> 00:04:21.759
The yes reflex operates at conversational speed.
00:04:21.920 --> 00:04:27.040
Someone asks, and the agreement is out of your mouth before your actual capacity gets a vote.
00:04:27.360 --> 00:04:30.079
So, install in an automatic delay.
00:04:30.240 --> 00:04:35.279
Instead of your reflexive answer of sure, turn the reflexive answer into, let me check on that.
00:04:35.360 --> 00:04:36.639
I'll get back to you tomorrow.
00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:47.600
That one sentence used consistently catches the majority of reluctant yeses before they happen, because with 12 hours of distance, your real answer becomes clearer.
00:04:47.839 --> 00:04:50.560
Second, say no without a court case.
00:04:50.800 --> 00:04:58.879
We have a natural, societally programmed instinct to justify, to build an airtight explanation that the other person must accept.
00:04:59.120 --> 00:05:07.759
After all, the justification creates a win-win situation where you don't have to do the thing, but the other person understands why you can't and isn't disappointed.
00:05:08.000 --> 00:05:12.399
But the thing to keep in mind is that an explanation invites negotiation.
00:05:12.720 --> 00:05:15.439
Every reason you give is a thing that they can argue with.
00:05:15.680 --> 00:05:20.560
I'm sorry, I'm busy Friday can be pushed back with, oh okay, well, how about Saturday?
00:05:20.800 --> 00:05:25.439
Compare that to, I can't take that on right now, which is complete on its own.
00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:29.199
A kind tone, a clean sentence, and no appeal process.
00:05:29.759 --> 00:05:33.920
Third, expect discomfort and let it be the price.
00:05:34.160 --> 00:05:37.120
When you start declining, two things are probably going to happen.
00:05:37.360 --> 00:05:42.399
One, you'll feel guilt, and that's the old training firing, and it fades with repetition.
00:05:42.639 --> 00:05:51.600
But then you'll see that some people will push back, and notably, these are likely the ones who benefited most from your reflex to say yes.
00:05:51.839 --> 00:05:56.480
A person who reacts badly to a reasonable boundary is showing you what the arrangement was.
00:05:56.720 --> 00:06:01.519
They weren't necessarily valuing you, they were valuing your availability.
00:06:01.680 --> 00:06:06.160
And while that's uncomfortable to realize, and it's also very useful to know.
00:06:06.639 --> 00:06:09.519
Fourth, aim the courage where it counts.
00:06:09.839 --> 00:06:12.959
This isn't about becoming a person who declines everything.
00:06:13.199 --> 00:06:17.279
I'm sure there are plenty of yeses in your life that are wholehearted and should stay.
00:06:17.519 --> 00:06:20.639
But to audit that, ask yourself a simple question.
00:06:20.879 --> 00:06:26.079
Which recurring yeses in my life currently produce the most private resentment?
00:06:26.319 --> 00:06:30.480
If one immediately pops to mind, wonder no longer, that's the one.
00:06:30.639 --> 00:06:32.399
That's the boundary that's due.
00:06:32.560 --> 00:06:35.759
So don't worry about walling yourself off on all sides at once.
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:41.920
Sometimes one honest no delivered kindly can defuse the request that's been costing you the most.
00:06:42.720 --> 00:06:45.759
Now, doing all these things isn't going to solve all the problems.
00:06:45.839 --> 00:06:51.600
You're probably still going to feel a bit guilty now and again, especially as you begin to set standards for yourself.
00:06:51.839 --> 00:06:55.040
But keep in mind that disappointing someone is not harming them.
00:06:55.199 --> 00:06:57.040
Adults survive being told no.
00:06:57.199 --> 00:07:01.920
They get told no constantly by schedules, by budgets, by everyone with functioning boundaries.
00:07:02.160 --> 00:07:06.879
You are not the last line of defense against other people's disappointment, and you never were.
00:07:07.040 --> 00:07:11.279
Treating yourself like you are is just grandiosity that dresses up like kindness.
00:07:11.759 --> 00:07:15.279
What's actually at stake here is bigger than any single request.
00:07:15.439 --> 00:07:23.600
A life where you can't disappoint anyone is a life where everyone's preferences outranke yours, permanently, structurally, and by policy.
00:07:23.759 --> 00:07:31.839
The occasional willingness to let someone down is what makes it possible to build days and goals and achievements that are recognizably yours.
00:07:32.079 --> 00:07:36.639
The fact is, in this situation, someone is going to be disappointed either way.
00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:41.360
The only real question is whether it's occasionally them or constantly you.
00:07:45.759 --> 00:07:51.120
Leaving the military can feel chaotic, especially when you feel you should have a plan right away.
00:07:51.360 --> 00:07:54.480
But not knowing what's next doesn't mean you're failing.
00:07:54.639 --> 00:07:56.399
It means you're in transition.
00:07:56.639 --> 00:08:12.959
At the Recon Network, we help veterans and military spouses navigate transition by focusing on stability, direction, and alignment before outcomes are expected, so you can map your future without rushing the wrong move or spending years building a life out of sync with your purpose.
00:08:13.199 --> 00:08:15.199
Don't rush your next step.
00:08:15.360 --> 00:08:17.920
Navigate it with intention with Recon.
00:08:18.480 --> 00:08:22.800
Learn more about our programs and services at recon.vet.
