Episode 149: Beyond Bubble Baths — Redefining Self-Care

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Welcome to another episode of Code twelve Public Education Insights, Empowering Parents of Color Podcast.
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The podcast that converges at the intersection of educational research and parental actions.
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It's about making the trends, topics, and theories in public education understandable so that you can implement them into practical, actionable strategies that work for your children.
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My name is Dr.
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Kim J.
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Fields, former corporate manager, turned educational researcher and advocate, and I'm the host of this podcast.
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I got into this space after dealing with some frustrating interactions with school educators and administrators, as well as experiencing the microaggressions that I faced as an African-American mom raising my two kids who were in the public school system.
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I really wanted to understand how teachers were trained and what the research provided about the challenges of the public education system.
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Once I gained the information and the insights that I needed, I was then equipped to be able to successfully support my children in their educational progress.
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This battle-tested experience is what I provide as action steps for you to take.
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It's like enjoying a bowl of educational research with a sprinkling of motherwood wisdom on top.
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If you're looking to find out more about the current information and issues in education that could affect you or your children, and the action steps you can take to give your children the advantages they need, then you're in the right place.
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Thanks for tuning in today.
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I know that staying informed about K-12 public education trends and topics is important to you, so keep listening.
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Give me 30 minutes or less, and I'll provide insights on the latest trends, issues, and topics pertaining to this constantly evolving K-12 public education environment.
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You're more than a parent.
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You're a person with individual needs, wants, and desires.
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You show up for your family, friends, and children.
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While you support your children through their educational attainment journey, you also need support because you can't help your child be his or her best if you're not at your best.
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These end-of-the-month episodes are dedicated to helping you on a personal level feel supported and empowered to elevate your parenting journey.
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I call these once-a-month episodes the Half-Hour Headway: Quick Tips for Initiating Transformation.
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In this episode, I'll be sharing my thoughts about self-care, what it is, what it isn't, and why you can't afford to ignore it.
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Don't get me wrong, I love a good massage and facial.
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I used to treat myself to both of these at least every four to six weeks.
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But these are not what true self-care is all about.
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Yes, they feel great and even made me believe that I was taking care of myself, although many aspects of my mindset hadn't been adjusted or upgraded.
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A better approach would have been to take the time for solitude to examine my thoughts, what was behind the decisions that I made, and what things truly mattered to me.
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Not just goals, but values, because values are who you are while you are achieving your goals.
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I discussed why it's necessary to practice self-care in your personal life in this episode.
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Let's gain some insights on this.
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True self-care begins on the inside, not on the outside with products and solutions like retreats, crystals, bubble baths, or even yoga classes.
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Real self-care is an internal process that involves making difficult decisions that will pay off in the long run and produce a fulfilling life built around the relationships and activities that matter most to you.
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Self-care is an inside job, just like happiness is.
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Self-care involves setting boundaries, learning to treat yourself with compassion, making choices that bring you closer to your true self and living a life aligned with your values.
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It's hard work, but it is achievable.
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Self-care involves changing how you talk to yourself and focusing on what matters most to you.
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Think of self-care as a verb that focuses on your internal decision-making processes, allows you to get your needs met in your relationships, brings you closer to yourself and what's important to you, and requires learning to cope with feelings of guilt as part of the process.
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It requires self-knowledge, self-compassion, and a willingness to make difficult decisions.
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In a recent study of more than 2,000 mothers conducted by a psychologist at Oklahoma State University, the well-being of mothers is linked to four factors, and see if you can relate to these.
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One, feeling unconditionally loved.
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Two, feeling confident when distressed.
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Three, authenticity in relationships, and four, satisfaction with friendships.
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Real self-care is about changing your internal reality.
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No one's going to give you permission to take care of yourself.
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Only you can decide to do that.
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Unlike temporary fixes of cleanses, massages, and aromatherapy, the internal process lasts forever.
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This internal work has the power to create external change.
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Self-care is about doing what matters most, those activities that are congruent with your values, emphasizing personal growth, acceptance of your authentic self, and connection to meaning or purpose.
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This is linked to better health outcomes, sleep, longer lifespan, and lower levels of inflammation.
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And we know from scientific reading that inflammation is a number one cause of aging.
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These are four principles of self-care according to Dr.
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Puja Lakshmi.
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One, setting boundaries and moving past guilt.
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Set the boundaries, manage the guilt.
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Two, treat yourself with compassion, speaking to yourself with compassion, not judgment.
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Three, understanding the authentic version of yourself, including your core values, beliefs, and desires.
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When your outside environment matches your inside environment, then you're in alignment.
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And four, asserting your power, looking inside yourself and making decisions from a place of reflection and consideration.
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These principles build on each other.
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Self-care is really about discipline.
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It's not about perfection, it's about moving in the right direction.
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And it's a lifelong pursuit.
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Every choice that busy professional women make comes at the expense of something else, especially if they have children.
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And they end up blaming themselves or feeling guilty based on the decisions that they make in many instances.
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Asking questions and gathering information when someone makes a demand of you puts a different type of pressure on the power dynamic in the family system.
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It acknowledges that you have a choice.
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A critical part of self-care is identifying your values or those values you want to embody and then making a list of ways to explore those.
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Do you host dinner parties?
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Then let's try this dinner party exercise.
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Imagine you have$200 to throw any kind of dinner party you want.
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What would it look like and feel like?
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Is your mind drawn to the food, music, or the company?
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Is it a big event or an intimate gathering?
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This type of exercise can help you identify what means the most to you so that you can make decisions that align with those values.
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This is an example of value alignment with lifestyle.
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And it's the same process that you would use to identify your values in every aspect of your life.
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Here's the main thing I want you to remember.
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Self-care is not a thing to do, it's a way to be.
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You set boundaries with people, situations, and even our mind, meaning our thoughts and our feelings.
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With feelings of guilt, think about this.
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Where does your guilt get you in the long run?
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Do you feel better after your work or your family life when you let guilt lead?
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Whenever someone makes a request of you, you have three choices.
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You can say yes, you can say no, or you can negotiate by asking questions and then making a decision.
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When it comes to boundaries, though, we are training the people in our lives how to treat us with our words, decisions, and actions.
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When we verbalize a clear boundary assertively, it helps other people understand how we expect them to behave.
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And in the long run, this saves not only time, but your energy.
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To learn more about the importance of setting boundaries, check out episode 144, in which I discuss more details about this critical skill.
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The second principle about self-care is about treating yourself with compassion.
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Self-compassion generally encompasses three areas.
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One, replacing self-judgment with self-kindness, two, recognizing your shared humanity, and three, being curious about the negative thoughts that you have instead of believing that they are absolute truth.
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The first step of self-compassion is giving yourself permission to practice it.
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Self-compassion helps build self-clarity.
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Did you know that rest is a form of self-compassion?
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It's a sign of strength when you recognize that one of the most important things you can do is rest.
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The third principle of self-care is that it brings you closer to yourself.
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In order to bring you closer to yourself, you have to identify values and that you are engaged in activities that align with those values.
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Here's how I see the difference between goals and values.
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Goals are tangible objectives, like I want to go to graduate school.
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Values, on the other hand, are desired qualities of action.
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They are who you are when you are working toward your goals, even if you fail achieving your goals.
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State it another way: goals are things that you do, and values are the way that you do them.
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Values cause you to look inward, not an outward comparison to how other people live their lives.
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Use your values to more clearly understand what you want and need to live a fulfilling life.
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Aligning your lifestyle with your values means making sure that your outside matches your inside.
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When your life is out of alignment with your values, you end up feeling conflicted and miserable.
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It's important to remember that values change over time.
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It's just human nature.
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In a different season of our lives, we may have different priorities.
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The fourth principle of self-care is asserting and embracing your power.
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Embracing your power and goals means that you have a both and mindset as opposed to an either or mindset.
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Understand the power of hope.
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Hope is not something we don't have, it's a skill that we build.
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Giving back through the power that you have generates more power for everyone else.
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This is how you truly live an empowered life.
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Is self-care something that you struggle with?
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I'm not just talking about that act of doing self-care.
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What I'm talking about is having a self-care state of mind daily.
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Do you need support in this area?
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Then I encourage you to go to NoExcusesCoaching.com forward slash work with me to schedule a free 30-minute call in which we'll discuss your current situation and work out a plan to create your self-care state of mind.
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As is the usual case for these personal thought-provoking episodes, I end with relevant quotes or a clean joke.
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I invite you to ponder these quotes.
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Self-care is not self-indulgence, it's self-preservation.
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A reframed quote from Audrey Lord.
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The challenge is not to be perfect, it is to be whole.
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Jane Fonda.
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Lighten up on yourself.
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No one is perfect.
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Gently accept your humanness.
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Deborah Day.
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And when you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings you joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.
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Jean Shonata Bolan.
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Did you enjoy this episode?
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If so, go to my podcast website at K12Education Insights.budsprout.com and leave me a text message about how you're enjoying my show.
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That's K12Education Insights.budsprout.com.
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Go to the episode description page and click on the Send Me a Text Message link.
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Again, it's K12Education Insights.budsprout.com and leave me a text message today.
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Be sure to subscribe to this podcast to make sure that you get the latest episodes.
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And also, share this episode with anyone that you think will find it valuable.
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Be sure to tell your friends, family, and community about my content.
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Thanks for listening today.
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I hope you'll come back for more 212 educational discussions with even more exciting topics to get the insights on.
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Until next time, aim to learn something new every day.