How Parents and LGBTQ Allies Can Reclaim Meaning, Energy, and Time

Host
00:01:15
Welcome to Just Breathe.

Host
00:01:16
I am so happy you are here.

Host
00:01:19
I hope that you have been taking care of yourself and your loved ones, that you have been resting and enjoying time, doing the things that bring you peace, that you have turned down the volume on the political chaos because it is only meant to exhaust you.

Host
00:01:36
Right now is the time to take a breath, to do your inner work, to learn how to expand your capacity and most of all to titrate your news intake.

Host
00:01:48
Everything that is happening right now is meant to make you feel anxious and on edge.

Host
00:01:53
But please keep in mind not everything is a five alarm fire.

Host
00:01:59
They want us to feel that way because everything outrageous that has come from them, they hope to dull your senses and most of all they want you to tune out.

Host
00:02:12
That is what we cannot do.

Host
00:02:15
So while we are in this limbo stage, let's take the time to rejuvenate, to spend time with people we love, to visit the places that bring us joy, to fill our souls because there will be work to be done and we all need to be ready.

Host
00:02:36
To that end, I will be taking a break to just breathe and be present with my family and really enjoy this time of year that typically brings so much magic.

Host
00:02:49
In a few days I will be posting a playlist of the Top episodes of 2024 for your listening and sharing enjoyment.

Host
00:02:57
But before I do that I want to share today's guest who is an absolute delight and someone I felt was a kindred spirit from the moment we met.

Host
00:03:09
Aransa Savas is a well being and leadership coach who created a uniquely holistic and proven approach to coaching that blends practical science backed techniques with energy coaching.

Host
00:03:23
She shares with such a vulnerability that just draws you in and I am so happy to bring you our conversation.

Host
00:03:35
Welcome back to Just Breathe.

Host
00:03:38
I am so happy you all are here today and I'm really thrilled for you to be part of this conversation that I get to have with this wonderful person that I just met or was introduced to by a mutual friend and we have just found that we have so many things in common and have had such a fun time connecting and sharing and so I'm really thrilled for you to meet Aransas today and get to know more about the beautiful things that she is doing in the world.

Host
00:04:15
So we're just going to jump right in and I want to talk first and learn more about you have this amazing podcast the Uplifters which I get to be a guest on and I'm so honored that you asked but I wonder if you could share a little more about about the podcast in and of itself, but in the greater sense, the why did you start this, and what are you wanting this to create in the world?

Aransas Savas
00:04:44
Thank you so much for having me.

Aransas Savas
00:04:47
It is such a joy to connect with inspiring women who are led by purpose like you.

Aransas Savas
00:04:55
And to get to spend this time with you is just such a joy on every level.

Aransas Savas
00:05:00
And I guess that's really the whole answer to why I created the Uplifters.

Aransas Savas
00:05:05
So the Uplifters podcast is designed to support and celebrate women of purpose.

Aransas Savas
00:05:12
So when I say that, I'm talking about women from all walks of life who are living with bravery and who are really on a mission to make a positive impact with their lives.

Aransas Savas
00:05:26
And so I get to talk to women who are trailblazers, who are perhaps the first to ever have done what they've done to everyday women who, in their little communities, they are creating ripples of impact.

Aransas Savas
00:05:42
And I just deeply believe that women especially have the power to change the world.

Aransas Savas
00:05:49
And there's incredible research that shows that the people we spend the most time with have a direct correlation of our own experience.

Aransas Savas
00:05:58
And I think that's especially true for the courage with which we live.

Aransas Savas
00:06:01
And so I've spent my life on a mission to surround myself with really inspiring, courageous women, believing that I'm going to be better because the people I'm with make me better.

Aransas Savas
00:06:15
But I also found that I was curious about the women who were inspiring the women who inspired me.

Aransas Savas
00:06:21
And so I created the Uplifters podcast as a chain of inspiration.

Aransas Savas
00:06:29
And so each guest recommends a woman who inspires her, and then I get to talk to them and learn from them and share them with all the other Uplifters.

Aransas Savas
00:06:38
And we've just formed this incredible community of women who are so diverse and so unique, and yet we share common values.

Aransas Savas
00:06:51
And on the surface, you think, how could these women have anything in common?

Aransas Savas
00:06:55
And yet, as you hear our stories, you find that these are women who find value and strength and community, who care about leaving a positive impact, who care about their own personal growth, who care about.

Aransas Savas
00:07:13
About learning.

Aransas Savas
00:07:16
And we lift each other up and settle, saying, all tides rise together.

Aransas Savas
00:07:21
And so we are really collectively forming a tidal wave that is having huge impact on stages that are both massive and very tiny and intimate.

Aransas Savas
00:07:34
Wow.

Host
00:07:34
I love that.

Host
00:07:37
It is one of the most beautiful talk.

Host
00:07:42
I get the privilege of talking to a lot of people, and I just think it is such a lovely, selfless act to for you to see this as something that is important, that was important and needed in the world and to create this wonderful movement.

Host
00:08:00
So I really appreciate that.

Host
00:08:01
I wonder if you could share because you get to talk to so many beautiful people, a couple of the, like, the most interesting or the most inspiring stories of where they get their courage, where they get their, like that bravery to use their voice or to act on what their purpose is.

Aransas Savas
00:08:26
Yeah, the stories are what keep me going to.

Aransas Savas
00:08:32
And one of the most moving to me is a woman named Helen Artia.

Aransas Savas
00:08:39
And she came to this country from Ecuador as a young girl with her parents who were both activists and really mission driven folks.

Aransas Savas
00:08:52
And they moved here with big dreams and a big desire to have positive impact.

Aransas Savas
00:08:58
And yet there was a lot they didn't know about this country and the way it operated.

Aransas Savas
00:09:04
And so Helen's father unfortunately got cancer early on in their time in America.

Aransas Savas
00:09:12
And the public services available to them without insurance, without good medical care, were really limited.

Aransas Savas
00:09:19
And unfortunately he died at NYC Health and Hospitals Elmhurst.

Aransas Savas
00:09:25
Throughout his life, however short, he managed to impart to his daughter that you can't change the world, but you can change your block.

Aransas Savas
00:09:33
And Helen really took this to heart.

Aransas Savas
00:09:37
And so she decided after her father passed and she got through high school, she went to college and she said, you know what?

Aransas Savas
00:09:44
I'm going to get a degree in public policy and I'm going to learn how to help folks with healthcare.

Aransas Savas
00:09:53
And while there she came to understand that she could have a more immediate impact by starting a health center that directly targeted first generation Americans who are non English speaking in a neighborhood in Queens called Elmhurst, which is the M.O.

Aransas Savas
00:10:07
one of the most diverse neighborhoods in America.

Aransas Savas
00:10:10
And she, through her advocacy there, actively and directly they changed the health trajectory and lifetime expectancies in that neighborhood.

Aransas Savas
00:10:24
Oh, then the pandemic came along.

Aransas Savas
00:10:26
And I'm sorry, it's a bit of a long story, but it's just too good not to share.

Host
00:10:29
Yeah.

Aransas Savas
00:10:29
During the pandemic, Helen decided to stay open.

Aransas Savas
00:10:33
And the pandemic was a very different thing for us in New York than it was for a lot of places.

Aransas Savas
00:10:38
It was not the flu.

Aransas Savas
00:10:40
Early on, we ran past every morning lines and lines of freezer trucks because there were too many bodies to house in side spaces.

Aransas Savas
00:10:51
And a crisis in every sense of the word.

Aransas Savas
00:10:55
And people were dying bathe a minute because we didn't know how to treat this disease.

Aransas Savas
00:11:00
But Helen and her team decided to keep their doors open at their little clinic to serve this community because they had to.

Aransas Savas
00:11:07
And of course, Helen got Covid.

Aransas Savas
00:11:10
And it was still in the early days before they understood anything about treatment, where it was very likely that she would die.

Aransas Savas
00:11:17
She had to be admitted to NYC Health and Hospitals Elmhurst, where her father died.

Aransas Savas
00:11:23
And the people there treated her with extraordinary care and diligence and saved her life.

Aransas Savas
00:11:32
And then a few months later, they went on a search for a new CEO and unsurprisingly, because of her track record, Helen was hired.

Aransas Savas
00:11:44
And so she is now the first female, the first Latin American to lead a hospital in nyc, one of the NYC health hospitals.

Aransas Savas
00:11:56
And she is now having extraordinary impact as a result of that work and has been named the best health, NYC Health and hospitals.

Aransas Savas
00:12:09
And so I talked, I talk about Helen's story because to me it is a story of a woman on a mission being responsive to the needs of the people around her.

Aransas Savas
00:12:21
And I hear that so often from these stories.

Aransas Savas
00:12:24
These women who see a need and they don't walk in with an answer, they walk in with an intention, which is to respond to the needs in whatever ways are most helpful.

Aransas Savas
00:12:38
And so if you look at the stories we've collected and there are now about 100 of them available, you will see in those story after story women who didn't say, I'm going to solve the problem my way, I'm going to fix things, but rather they said, I'm going to listen and respond and I'm going to do what needs to be done for the sake of the people that I care about.

Aransas Savas
00:13:05
And again, that's a community as small as one family, all the way to millions of people like Helen.

Host
00:13:15
Oh, that is amazing.

Host
00:13:17
And I think what I love about that and I think what is definitely woven through probably most of these stories is that there was never a moment of, in Helen's case specifically, but I think through a lot of these stories of thinking, oh gosh, I'm scared or I can't, or this is too hard, or, or there's there like anything that was like self focused.

Host
00:13:43
It was all like, I see something that needs to be done, that needs attention, that needs something, and I'm, I am going to go, that is best.

Aransas Savas
00:13:57
I thought that too.

Aransas Savas
00:13:58
Heather.

Aransas Savas
00:14:00
This is what's been really reassuring about this.

Aransas Savas
00:14:03
And I will say, with the exception of the trailblazers who are truly like some of the.

Aransas Savas
00:14:10
One of the first women I interviewed was the first female, first openly gay, first black woman to be a pilot at a US commercial airline.

Aransas Savas
00:14:19
Another was the first female to play professional basketball in Canada.

Aransas Savas
00:14:26
Those women are really wired differently.

Aransas Savas
00:14:28
They really am fascinated.

Aransas Savas
00:14:29
Katherine Switzer, the first woman to run the Boston Marathon with a bib.

Aransas Savas
00:14:35
They are uniquely wired, and I think they are aligned with what you're saying, that they are so focused on the goal that fear just doesn't seem to really enter their scope.

Aransas Savas
00:14:51
The other 97 women, though, did it with fear.

Aransas Savas
00:14:56
They did it with doubt.

Aransas Savas
00:14:57
They did it with worry.

Aransas Savas
00:15:00
And including Helen.

Aransas Savas
00:15:02
She has the same fears you and I do, of not enoughness, of being judged, of being seen as not ready or capable or smart enough or well resourced.

Aransas Savas
00:15:15
And that, to me, is so reassuring.

Host
00:15:20
It is.

Host
00:15:21
It is.

Host
00:15:22
Because it says, you can do this.

Host
00:15:26
Yeah.

Host
00:15:26
Just keep going.

Host
00:15:28
Keep going.

Host
00:15:29
And almost on those days when that fear is really loud, when that doubt is right in your face, Keep going.

Aransas Savas
00:15:42
Keep going.

Aransas Savas
00:15:43
Yeah.

Aransas Savas
00:15:44
I'm reading the book Bravy right now by Alexi Pappas, and she distinguishes.

Aransas Savas
00:15:49
It's so good if you don't know where.

Aransas Savas
00:15:50
She's an Olympic runner who overcame severe depression right after her Olympic turn.

Aransas Savas
00:15:58
And she's filmmaker, designer, just really remarkable young woman.

Aransas Savas
00:16:02
And she talks a lot about the distinction between being merely interested in dreams and being committed to dreams.

Aransas Savas
00:16:14
And so the committed person, when things get hard, and they will, the committed person keeps showing up.

Aransas Savas
00:16:24
But the difference really is the interested person gets overwhelmed by the fear and lets that take lead.

Host
00:16:33
Yeah.

Host
00:16:35
Yeah, that.

Host
00:16:35
Oh, that is such a great way of stating that.

Host
00:16:38
Yes.

Host
00:16:38
Because the fear can be.

Host
00:16:40
It can freeze or it can inspire.

Aransas Savas
00:16:44
Yeah, yeah.

Aransas Savas
00:16:47
It can stop us or it can energize us.

Aransas Savas
00:16:49
Yeah, that's right.

Aransas Savas
00:16:50
Yeah, that's right.

Host
00:16:52
So this.

Host
00:16:53
Speaking of which, all of these beautiful people that you've had the opportunity to speak with has inspired you to create a place once a year, this beautiful event.

Host
00:17:08
Could you tell us a little bit about it?

Aransas Savas
00:17:10
Oh, my gosh.

Aransas Savas
00:17:11
With so much joy.

Aransas Savas
00:17:12
Like you, I really like people, and I find them just.

Aransas Savas
00:17:18
They're just my juice.

Aransas Savas
00:17:21
And I like to be with people in real life and I like to introduce people, which you probably already realized.

Aransas Savas
00:17:30
Like, it just.

Host
00:17:33
No way.

Aransas Savas
00:17:33
I know.

Aransas Savas
00:17:34
Crazy town.

Aransas Savas
00:17:35
I like to connect people, and I like to see ripples of moments of connection, and that's really what we've been able to do.

Aransas Savas
00:17:43
So this will only be year two.

Aransas Savas
00:17:44
In March, we'll have our second event.

Aransas Savas
00:17:47
I hope we have many more.

Aransas Savas
00:17:49
I hope this is something that way out last.

Aransas Savas
00:17:51
But what we've done is we've created a day called Uplifters Live five that brings together our extraordinary guest with our extraordinary audience of Uplifters for a day of connection, celebration and mutual support.

Aransas Savas
00:18:04
And so it is a Day where we can deepen our sense of connection, where we can celebrate the value and power of warmth over cool.

Aransas Savas
00:18:14
Does so much of the world fetishize cool?

Host
00:18:17
Yes.

Aransas Savas
00:18:18
And like, yes.

Aransas Savas
00:18:18
I don't want more cool.

Host
00:18:21
No.

Aransas Savas
00:18:21
I want more warmth and I want more honesty and more vulnerability and I want more deep connection and I want more real.

Aransas Savas
00:18:29
And I think most of us do.

Host
00:18:31
Yeah.

Aransas Savas
00:18:31
And so we just create a day together where that is the version of ourselves that we choose to walk into the room is because it feels like a brave space where we can safely be honest and true and open.

Aransas Savas
00:18:51
And the connections that come from that day are like nothing I ever could have dreamed.

Aransas Savas
00:18:57
And these women leave with a greater knowing about themselves and each other, with deep friendships, fired up to go do bigger, braver work in the world.

Aransas Savas
00:19:09
And I so hope you'll join us in March because it's going to be amazing.

Host
00:19:13
I will be there.

Host
00:19:14
I will be there.

Host
00:19:15
So just as soon as we talked the last time I looked it up and I was like, oh, yes, I am going.

Host
00:19:21
I am so excited.

Host
00:19:22
I think it just, it.

Host
00:19:25
We all need a place like that where if just for a day we can come and be surrounded by people who are inspiring, who are perhaps like minded, who are interested and interesting and just the opportunity.

Host
00:19:45
And I think this kind of works into other things that you do as well that focus on taking care of ourselves and not just in that like surface sense, but of that, like deep self care.

Host
00:20:02
And I think most of us are pretty good at the high level.

Host
00:20:07
Like I ran and got a manicure today.

Host
00:20:09
Yes and no.

Host
00:20:11
I am a huge fan.

Host
00:20:12
Love my manicures.

Host
00:20:15
And that deeper.

Host
00:20:17
Oh, that's where the warmth comes from.

Host
00:20:20
Yes.

Host
00:20:21
So I wonder if you could talk about that a little bit because we were talking about that before we started recording and there's some good stuff in there.

Aransas Savas
00:20:29
Oh, thank you.

Aransas Savas
00:20:30
Yeah.

Aransas Savas
00:20:31
So many thoughts on this.

Aransas Savas
00:20:33
I love that you bring up the manicure.

Aransas Savas
00:20:34
And it is a really sweet moment of self care for many people.

Aransas Savas
00:20:40
But it's occasional.

Aransas Savas
00:20:42
Maybe it's every couple of weeks.

Aransas Savas
00:20:45
But I believe that the most vital self care happens many times every day and that it is a moment by moment practice.

Aransas Savas
00:20:58
And it really influences how we show up in every part of our lives.

Aransas Savas
00:21:02
And I talk about it a lot as Met Mastery.

Aransas Savas
00:21:06
And so Met stands for meaning, energy and time.

Aransas Savas
00:21:10
Right.

Aransas Savas
00:21:11
And when we are able to reclaim our own sense of meaning, our energy and our time, we have a greater sense of fulfillment and joy and a greater ability to sustain the good work we want to do in the world.

Aransas Savas
00:21:32
We've probably all felt a sense of exhaustion and over giving at times in our lives.

Aransas Savas
00:21:38
And certainly the women I talk to experience this frequently.

Aransas Savas
00:21:43
And it's something I've experienced to my own life because I like to help, I like to be good, I like to be useful.

Aransas Savas
00:21:54
And yet I think for so many of us, we are so driven by that sense of usefulness and goodness that the person we end up draining ourselves is this empties the source.

Aransas Savas
00:22:11
And so I use the word met because I worked in healthcare for a lot of years in wellness.

Aransas Savas
00:22:16
MET and science stands for metabolic equivalent of tasks.

Aransas Savas
00:22:21
And so it's a fancy way of measuring how much energy you're burning when you're doing anything.

Aransas Savas
00:22:29
And for many uplifters, we're burning mets without re replenishing them.

Aransas Savas
00:22:38
And so what I really helped people to do is to replenish those meds, to as I said, reclaim their meaning, their energy and time.

Aransas Savas
00:22:49
And it, I'm, it makes so much sense.

Aransas Savas
00:22:53
Right.

Aransas Savas
00:22:54
Like I heard Elizabeth Gilbert say yesterday that the greatest harm she's done in her life was the result of not taking care of herself.

Aransas Savas
00:23:03
And I think that's true for most of us.

Aransas Savas
00:23:05
And I think we've probably all felt it.

Aransas Savas
00:23:06
No matter how good our intentions are, we have those moments of slippage where it's like you're snarky or unforgiving with the people you love most or find yourself having an outsized reaction to something that's out of sync with what you really feel and believe.

Aransas Savas
00:23:26
I believe that's because we're depleted.

Host
00:23:28
Yes, we're tired.

Aransas Savas
00:23:30
And I see those little, those slippages, as I call them, I see those as evidence and like a little nudge from our lives and like the kind that the sooner we recognize it, the better off we are that say, oh, hey Aransas, I think maybe you aren't taking care of yourself.

Aransas Savas
00:23:50
And I, this happened this week with my daughter.

Aransas Savas
00:23:54
I led an uplifters retreat a couple of weeks ago and it was amazing, but I really poured my body and soul into it.

Aransas Savas
00:24:04
And then because we're in the midst of moving and I host and I've got two kids and a husband and a dog and my mom lives here and all this stuff going on, I just rolled back into the everyday without taking a minute to say, okay, what am I?

Aransas Savas
00:24:19
What do I need?

Aransas Savas
00:24:20
How am I?

Aransas Savas
00:24:21
And I started to notice, like my daughter asked me for help with her Halloween costume and it was like I did the one thing and I Was like, okay, yay, I feel so good.

Aransas Savas
00:24:31
I had a goodwill miracle and found exactly what I wanted for the Halloween costume.

Aransas Savas
00:24:35
But then she asked me for one more thing.

Aransas Savas
00:24:38
And I don't know about you, but there's like that one more thing that's like a trigger for me where it's, yeah, oh, I'm not done.

Aransas Savas
00:24:47
I gotta show up for another person in another way.

Aransas Savas
00:24:50
And I didn't like, my response wasn't like earth shattering.

Aransas Savas
00:24:54
She probably won't remember it, but she felt it and I felt.

Aransas Savas
00:24:59
And it was something to the effect of, oh, I don't know, I'll get to that later.

Aransas Savas
00:25:03
That's not very hurtful in the grand scheme of things.

Aransas Savas
00:25:06
But we both knew that I was not coming from a place of abundance.

Aransas Savas
00:25:09
I wasn't coming from a place of meaning and energy.

Aransas Savas
00:25:14
And I felt like somebody was trying to steal my time and I was feeling tapped out.

Host
00:25:19
Yeah.

Aransas Savas
00:25:20
And so now I recognize those things before I get shitty, which I've certainly done plenty of times in my life.

Aransas Savas
00:25:27
And those are my signs, right?

Aransas Savas
00:25:31
Little things like that that I'm like, oh, girl, you got to take care of you or you're not going to be who you are in the world.

Aransas Savas
00:25:37
And so it really comes down to a few key practices.

Aransas Savas
00:25:44
Number one, it's real self care, right?

Aransas Savas
00:25:46
And it's showing up for yourself with as much integrity as you show up for everyone else.

Aransas Savas
00:25:52
And I talk about it, it's like really putting yourself at the center.

Aransas Savas
00:25:56
Not to be self centered, but to center your needs.

Host
00:26:01
Right.

Aransas Savas
00:26:02
And to recognize them.

Aransas Savas
00:26:04
Right.

Aransas Savas
00:26:05
And giving yourselves tiny daily luxuries.

Aransas Savas
00:26:08
I call them TDLs or and sometimes I call them like your bliss list, but it's actively like, I teach women to make a list of things that feel really good.

Aransas Savas
00:26:16
Whether it's helping you sell stress detox, whether it's just helping you relax, whether it's helping you be honest with yourself, explore your own creativity.

Aransas Savas
00:26:25
But these are ultimately their energy boosters that counteract the energy drain of all that we can be putting back, putting out if we aren't restoring.

Aransas Savas
00:26:36
The other thing I try to help people do is just understand themselves and really practice self awareness as a part of a daily life.

Aransas Savas
00:26:42
Whether it's through little rituals that you practice day in, day out, whether it's your mindset, which is something we explore so much in the podcast.

Aransas Savas
00:26:52
What is the mindset of these women?

Aransas Savas
00:26:54
How do some women seem to have more time and energy than other women?

Aransas Savas
00:26:59
And I really think it is through understanding their own needs and Learning how to show up for them.

Aransas Savas
00:27:05
And then the last piece of this is, I think for most women, the hardest.

Aransas Savas
00:27:11
But it's self expression and it's honestly saying what we need.

Aransas Savas
00:27:18
And it's in my case, in this story I just shared, it was saying to my daughter, ew, I don't feel great about the way I just responded to you.

Aransas Savas
00:27:29
And I think it means that I need to go take some time for me because I don't want her thinking that was about her because it wasn't.

Aransas Savas
00:27:35
She asked really nicely.

Aransas Savas
00:27:38
She was being true to our agreement that I was going to help her with her Halloween costume.

Aransas Savas
00:27:44
But if I'm not self expressed, I find I get more seepage and leakage.

Aransas Savas
00:27:52
And so it really is, as you see, like none of these are things that like I can take care of once a week or once every two weeks or it is moment by moment.

Aransas Savas
00:28:02
So it really is a way of being versus anything that we do.

Host
00:28:09
I love that distinction.

Host
00:28:11
I love that so much because it is.

Host
00:28:14
It's about the awareness and the ability to be really present and stay present.

Host
00:28:22
I think especially when we get overwhelmed or stressed, it's very easy to go into that like self protective, like mode where you can be like, put some distance or some buffer or some whatever it is and whatever you want to call it, but.

Host
00:28:39
And it's a practice of being able to get to that place.

Host
00:28:43
This is not something that happens overnight.

Host
00:28:46
This is something that it's little.

Host
00:28:48
Every time you do it a thousand times a day, you become more aware and you become more gentle with yourself.

Host
00:28:55
You give yourself more grace and you're able to express it, put words with it.

Host
00:29:03
Because I think it's also.

Host
00:29:04
That's a difficult thing to be able to say in the moment, recognize, oh, that was so not about you.

Host
00:29:15
I'm so sorry.

Host
00:29:16
I'm tapped out.

Host
00:29:18
I'm exhausted.

Host
00:29:18
I'm.

Host
00:29:19
Fill in the blank.

Host
00:29:20
I need a minute and, and take that minute.

Host
00:29:25
I.

Host
00:29:25
It's such a powerful and my goodness, it is the best gift you can give yourself and all the people around you.

Host
00:29:33
But you know for sure yourself because then you do.

Host
00:29:38
The result is that you can show up the way you want to show up in the world.

Host
00:29:43
You don't hit that wall.

Host
00:29:46
I had that a few weeks ago.

Host
00:29:48
I had a.

Host
00:29:50
I did a in person talk out in California and it was a lot.

Host
00:29:56
It was a lot of different pieces that were firsts for me and they were all at once and it was just a lot.

Host
00:30:03
And in San Francisco is a lot and so when I got back, it was just a whirlwind trip and I got back and I was like, I just need a couple days.

Host
00:30:13
I literally cleared my calendar and I was like, I just need to be able to do the things that feel good for me.

Host
00:30:20
Whether it was just writing, like I did all these different things, but I was like, this is how I need to show up for myself right now.

Host
00:30:26
And then I can bet it was to your point, like knowing what it is for you in those different moments because different times ask for different types of self care, but just getting to know yourself well enough to know.

Aransas Savas
00:30:42
Yeah.

Aransas Savas
00:30:43
Because we are high capacity women and we know in a pinch we could keep going.

Host
00:30:51
Oh, absolutely.

Host
00:30:53
But that doesn't mean we should.

Aransas Savas
00:30:56
Correct.

Aransas Savas
00:30:57
Doesn't mean it's going to be the best long term strategy.

Host
00:31:00
Exactly, exactly.

Host
00:31:02
I think we were talking about this the other day.

Host
00:31:04
The capacity to hold.

Host
00:31:07
This is true.

Host
00:31:09
This is also true.

Host
00:31:10
And this is also true.

Host
00:31:13
Yes.

Host
00:31:13
That is amazing and does take a lot of work to be able to get to that place.

Host
00:31:22
And it doesn't mean that we need to do it every day.

Host
00:31:25
Just I think that's fantastic work.

Host
00:31:27
So do you do this work with private clients?

Host
00:31:31
Correct.

Aransas Savas
00:31:31
I do.

Aransas Savas
00:31:32
I work with private clients.

Aransas Savas
00:31:33
I work with a lot of corporate clients bringing this into women's ergs, employee resource groups to help help high impact, high capacity women at companies.

Aransas Savas
00:31:43
And it's like such a gift when companies have the wisdom to invest in their women leaders in this way.

Aransas Savas
00:31:51
And honestly, I've done it with mixed teams too because as much as I talk about women, I watch the same thing happen for my husband.

Host
00:31:59
Yes.

Aransas Savas
00:31:59
I just happen to be a woman who was raised by a bunch of strong women who's raising strong women.

Aransas Savas
00:32:04
And so I, I feel a real calling to support women.

Aransas Savas
00:32:09
Yet it happens to all of us.

Host
00:32:11
Yeah.

Aransas Savas
00:32:11
And yeah, I have a video version of it where people can take the course and I do small group and individual coaching on mastery and then I accept company.

Aransas Savas
00:32:24
So it's really about reaching as many people as we can.

Host
00:32:28
Yeah.

Aransas Savas
00:32:29
To help us all learn real self care.

Aransas Savas
00:32:31
I spent 20 years at weight Watchers.

Host
00:32:33
Yeah.

Aransas Savas
00:33:28
And I watched over and over again how these women especially again came in because they were feeling really bad in their lives and they would come in with a wiggle and the vast majority did not see success.

Aransas Savas
00:33:46
And so often when you would talk to them about it, they'd say, and I'm paraphrasing 20 years of research here, they would say, I have trouble showing up for myself.

Aransas Savas
00:33:59
As well as I show up for everyone else.

Aransas Savas
00:34:03
And those who did were transformed not because their bodies were smaller, but because A, they felt a greater sense of freedom in the world, and B, they learned how, paradoxically, to take up more space to self advocate.

Host
00:34:23
Yes.

Aransas Savas
00:34:24
And 25 years now into this career and into this work, for me, it's very clear that Wade is a symptom for many people of a challenge that plagues so many of us well beyond any other symptom.

Aransas Savas
00:34:47
And it is a lack of awareness and practice in deep self care.

Host
00:34:55
Yes.

Host
00:34:55
That disconnection, right?

Host
00:34:57
Yes.

Host
00:34:57
That's a whole other conversation.

Host
00:34:59
Just actually, just listen to the episode that we did on Uplifters, because we talk a lot about that disconnection.

Aransas Savas
00:35:06
Yeah.

Host
00:35:07
Plug that episode right now.

Aransas Savas
00:35:09
Thank you.

Host
00:35:10
Of course.

Host
00:35:11
So I.

Host
00:35:13
Speaking of strong women and you raising strong women, I wonder if we could.

Host
00:35:18
I'm watching our time really closely, but I'm wondering if we could talk a little bit, because we realized when we started talking that we had more in common than we realized even to begin with.

Host
00:35:28
And I'd love for you to share a little bit about your daughters and about just some of your approaches to parenting.

Host
00:35:35
And you already have a little bit.

Host
00:35:36
But I wonder if you could share a little bit more, because I think that people can really connect with that.

Aransas Savas
00:35:42
Yeah, for sure.

Aransas Savas
00:35:43
One of the things that really excited me about your work is that you were creating space for people talk about parenting, queer children.

Aransas Savas
00:35:54
But it's really about parenting with acceptance.

Aransas Savas
00:35:58
And for us, I was raised with my grandmother, and it's been.

Aransas Savas
00:36:03
She talks about how her grand or her father, this sort of foundational mindset of parenting was you raise children like you raise horses.

Aransas Savas
00:36:16
And your job is to.

Aransas Savas
00:36:20
And this is no joke.

Aransas Savas
00:36:21
It sounds so like what.

Aransas Savas
00:36:23
But this was the prevailing narrative.

Aransas Savas
00:36:26
Your job is to break their spirits and teach them to conform and follow the rules and play within the lines.

Aransas Savas
00:36:34
My grandmother then was exposed to another parenting style, which is how she raised me, which is that your children should be treated like guests in your home.

Aransas Savas
00:36:44
And it makes sense, right?

Aransas Savas
00:36:46
From an evolutionary standpoint.

Aransas Savas
00:36:48
And so having been raised like a broken, spirited horse, she wanted to just lavish her children and let them be deeply cared for.

Aransas Savas
00:37:01
We can go into all the socioeconomic pieces of this because she also was raised during the Great Depression and as a migrant farmer.

Aransas Savas
00:37:08
And yeah, oh, my goodness.

Aransas Savas
00:37:10
She really wanted to give her children every opportunity.

Aransas Savas
00:37:13
And so for us, as we listen to all these narratives coming generationally to us, but also to those that were popular in our community, at the time, for us, the only reasonable answer was to be responsive to our children.

Aransas Savas
00:37:37
And we've gotten a lot of practice with that.

Aransas Savas
00:37:39
Our children in some ways have been super lucky.

Aransas Savas
00:37:41
They have two parents who deeply love each other and them they've had a stable home environment, their foundational needs have been met, they've been given a lot of love intergenerationally and so they've been really lucky.

Aransas Savas
00:37:58
On the other hand, they have really had to face their share of challenges.

Aransas Savas
00:38:02
One of my daughters and I speak about this with permission from her, from both girls in fact, to share these stories.

Aransas Savas
00:38:10
But I think they are important to share because I think they're stories that we don't talk enough about and therefore don't have awareness.

Aransas Savas
00:38:18
So we can consider how we might handle them.

Aransas Savas
00:38:22
But our older daughter, when she was 12, participated in after school program.

Aransas Savas
00:38:29
And she was a quiet, shy kid, didn't have a lot of friends and she was like, really artsy.

Aransas Savas
00:38:35
And so she got this karate teacher and we thought, wow, she's getting all this praise from this karate teacher.

Aransas Savas
00:38:41
Sometimes she'd come home and she'd say these sort of weird things and we'd be like, dude's a weirdo, but cool.

Aransas Savas
00:38:47
She's getting praise for being good at karate.

Aransas Savas
00:38:50
And she told us he one day was like, oh, you can't trust your teachers.

Aransas Savas
00:38:54
Teachers are just in it for the money.

Aransas Savas
00:38:56
We were like, like, that's insane.

Aransas Savas
00:38:58
But whatever.

Aransas Savas
00:38:59
Another day she came home and she was like, weirdest thing happened in karate.

Aransas Savas
00:39:03
A kid like kicked me and then the teacher hit him so hard that he knocked him down.

Aransas Savas
00:39:10
And I was.

Aransas Savas
00:39:10
And she was like, it was cool that he like, wanted to stand up for me, but doesn't that seem strange for a teacher to hit a student?

Aransas Savas
00:39:16
And I was like, yeah, that's really weird.

Aransas Savas
00:39:18
But still, we're like, he's a teacher.

Aransas Savas
00:39:22
Teachers are good.

Aransas Savas
00:39:22
Things happen at school.

Aransas Savas
00:39:24
And our artsy, shy kid is good at karate.

Aransas Savas
00:39:29
And then the pandemic happened and we had to.

Aransas Savas
00:39:32
We went to online learning and one day she said, yeah, it's so weird.

Aransas Savas
00:39:39
My karate teacher said, you guys don't care about me because you asked me to get a vaccine.

Aransas Savas
00:39:45
And we were like, that's insane.

Aransas Savas
00:39:48
Let's talk about it.

Aransas Savas
00:39:49
And we did.

Aransas Savas
00:39:50
And she was like, yeah, I agree that's weird, but okay, yay, karate.

Aransas Savas
00:39:55
And then she told us one day, oh yeah, karate has been slowing down.

Aransas Savas
00:39:59
Lots of kids aren't doing after school lessons on Zoom.

Aransas Savas
00:40:02
But my karate teacher asked me if I'd Meet with him and keep going.

Aransas Savas
00:40:06
And I was like, sure.

Aransas Savas
00:40:09
Because we were so naive, we didn't recognize what probably you've already picked up on through these examples.

Aransas Savas
00:40:18
This guy was grooming our kid.

Aransas Savas
00:40:21
He was systemically alienating her from every other trusted adult.

Aransas Savas
00:40:25
Yeah, it was ineffective because she was honest and trusted us enough to come to us with these stories.

Aransas Savas
00:40:34
And so he wasn't able to separate her from other trusted adults to the degree that he was actively trying to do.

Aransas Savas
00:40:44
But we had no idea what he was doing, and we didn't see it because nobody's talking about this stuff.

Aransas Savas
00:40:51
I literally have not heard these stories because I haven't talked about them either.

Aransas Savas
00:40:57
And this is, in fact, the first time I'm sharing this story because it was only recently that my daughter and I agreed, at her urging, that the story needed to be shared.

Aransas Savas
00:41:06
And it happened several years ago.

Aransas Savas
00:41:09
And she feels ready to talk about it, and she wants me to talk about it.

Aransas Savas
00:41:15
And what he did that finally opened our eyes is he asked her one day on Zoom, in this private Zoom karate lesson to play a game with him that involved taking off their clothes.

Aransas Savas
00:41:29
And she was a shy little girl, and she was uncomfortable.

Aransas Savas
00:41:36
And so he ask her to follow these commands that involved him or her taking off her clothes.

Aransas Savas
00:41:47
She, in her shyness, did it very slowly and ultimately showed none of her body parts, but did unbutton her pants and then shoved her shirt in them to cover her tummy.

Aransas Savas
00:41:59
But he asked her to give him certain commands, and he told her what to say to him.

Aransas Savas
00:42:04
And ultimately he took off his clothes.

Aransas Savas
00:42:07
And it was at that point that she realized she was out of her depth.

Aransas Savas
00:42:11
And she told him she was one of the commands to ask him to turn around.

Aransas Savas
00:42:19
And as he turned around, she muted her camera or muted her audio and turned off her camera.

Aransas Savas
00:42:23
And she said she opened her door.

Aransas Savas
00:42:25
I happened to be working inches away from her at that moment because we were collaborating on a really fun project.

Aransas Savas
00:42:32
And she said, mommy, I don't know what to do.

Aransas Savas
00:42:37
And it was one of those moments, like in the movie, where all of the little pieces that didn't add up in any way that were just, like, weird individually, but not anything beyond that instance together.

Aransas Savas
00:42:56
And I saw in that moment exactly what was happening, because I saw her little pants unbuttoned, and I knew she was in karate.

Aransas Savas
00:43:04
And I walked in and I saw him on Zoom without his clothes on.

Aransas Savas
00:43:10
And it was not prosecutable because he hadn't actually shown his penis.

Aransas Savas
00:43:19
He'd taken off his shirt.

Aransas Savas
00:43:20
He Turned his pants into underwear.

Aransas Savas
00:43:22
And he has been removed from New York City schools and is no longer able to teach.

Aransas Savas
00:43:27
But extraordinary efforts from our family and other experts and attorneys and many others in the legal field who were.

Aransas Savas
00:43:37
And the police forces who were incredibly empathic and incredibly supportive and incredibly kind to us.

Aransas Savas
00:43:44
It wasn't prosecutable.

Aransas Savas
00:43:47
And that is the sad part of the story.

Host
00:43:49
Yeah.

Aransas Savas
00:43:50
That my daughter experiences that we don't have systems in place to protect kids in this way.

Aransas Savas
00:43:57
Yeah.

Aransas Savas
00:43:58
But what I am proudest of, and it's.

Aransas Savas
00:44:04
Was that the longest answer to a simple question you've ever asked.

Host
00:44:08
It is a very important answer to a very.

Host
00:44:11
I knew what I was asking.

Host
00:44:13
I wanted this answer.

Host
00:44:14
I wanted you to share as much as possible.

Aransas Savas
00:44:16
What I was sharing is, in that moment, I said to Savannah instantly, honey, I am so proud of you.

Aransas Savas
00:44:24
You are so brave.

Host
00:44:26
Yes.

Aransas Savas
00:44:30
And I didn't blame her.

Aransas Savas
00:44:34
And I didn't think for a second about incriminating her in any way or placing any of the responsibility on her.

Aransas Savas
00:44:50
But even more than that, I am proud that we set the stage for our daughter to immediately come to us when she didn't know what to do.

Host
00:44:58
Yes.

Aransas Savas
00:44:59
And this is a kid who is independent, who takes the subways systems all day, every day on her own, who navigates extraordinary complexities in work and life because of her own health challenges, because of the world we live in, because of the city we live in.

Host
00:45:21
Yeah.

Aransas Savas
00:45:22
And yet she knew that when she didn't know that she could trust us to advocate for her.

Aransas Savas
00:45:32
And it felt like the most important parenting decision I've ever made to be able to say to my kid, I love you, I support you.

Aransas Savas
00:45:41
I am here for you.

Aransas Savas
00:45:43
And it's why, I think when our own daughter, our daughter, our other daughter, our younger daughter, decided that she was ready to come out of the closet.

Aransas Savas
00:45:55
It's such an antiquated term.

Aransas Savas
00:45:56
I don't know how I feel about saying, I love that.

Host
00:45:59
She decided that was good.

Aransas Savas
00:46:00
She decided to acknowledge publicly her lesbianism.

Host
00:46:05
Exactly.

Aransas Savas
00:46:05
Which.

Aransas Savas
00:46:08
We didn't live in a world.

Aransas Savas
00:46:09
We live in New York City.

Aransas Savas
00:46:10
There were always trans kids in class.

Aransas Savas
00:46:12
There were always gay kids in class.

Aransas Savas
00:46:15
We always watched gay movies that centered gay characters.

Aransas Savas
00:46:19
So there wasn't a sense of, I need to hide this in our family or in our home or in our city, for that matter.

Aransas Savas
00:46:26
Would have felt like the anomaly and the this.

Aransas Savas
00:46:29
The unusual thing.

Aransas Savas
00:46:31
So it wasn't that.

Aransas Savas
00:46:33
But it felt like she was safe to trust us with her truth.

Host
00:46:40
Yes.

Aransas Savas
00:46:41
And our kids are newly 14 and 16.

Aransas Savas
00:46:46
And they're going to face so many more complex decisions and they're going to face so many other challenges.

Aransas Savas
00:46:56
And so for me, it has all just been this real validation to stay the course with creating a worthiness of trust.

Host
00:47:07
Yes.

Aransas Savas
00:47:08
Because my kids are going to do stupid stuff.

Aransas Savas
00:47:11
They're going to make decisions that harm their immediate best interests because they're human beings and we all do it right.

Aransas Savas
00:47:18
And I want them to be independent and courageous, and I want them to know they have a safe place to land.

Host
00:47:26
Absolutely.

Aransas Savas
00:47:26
And that's the only way I know how to do it.

Host
00:47:28
Yeah.

Host
00:47:30
Wow.

Host
00:47:31
I'm so moved by this story.

Host
00:47:33
And I think it is such an important story to share.

Host
00:47:36
So thank you for trusting me with the space to share.

Host
00:47:42
And it is very important for all of us to really take time to deeply consider that story because there are a lot of pieces to it.

Host
00:47:56
And like you said, you, without even really realizing it, you had already created a space.

Host
00:48:05
So I think that is a very key place or piece of this to consider the space that we're creating.

Host
00:48:16
And I think sometimes we overthink it in so many ways of it, of maybe perhaps material aspects of the space or the shoulds coming down from, whether it's those who have gone before us or books that we are reading.

Host
00:48:35
And ultimately, when it comes this is.

Host
00:48:40
You have hit this as that it's providing this brave space for them to be who they are, fully, authentically, vulnerably who they are.

Host
00:48:54
Know that it is a safe place to make mistakes.

Host
00:48:57
Know that we all make mistakes.

Host
00:49:00
Right.

Host
00:49:00
That this is something that we talk about.

Host
00:49:02
Right.

Host
00:49:03
That there isn't this any kind of expectation for a should.

Host
00:49:09
And that we are a thousand percent trustworthy.

Host
00:49:15
That no matter what is said, we hold that space.

Host
00:49:23
That's our job.

Aransas Savas
00:49:24
Yeah.

Host
00:49:26
And so thank you.

Host
00:49:27
Thank you for sharing that, for modeling that.

Host
00:49:31
And none of us are going to do it perfectly, but I think it is just so beautiful.

Host
00:49:37
And gosh, those are lucky girls.

Host
00:49:42
Brave girls.

Host
00:49:45
And just thank them for allowing that to be shared, because that is important work and that's just one more way of creating a ripple.

Host
00:49:56
So bravo.

Aransas Savas
00:50:00
Thank you.

Host
00:50:02
Worse.

Aransas Savas
00:50:03
Here's to always finding pain and purpose in our pain and.

Host
00:50:08
Yeah, exactly.

Host
00:50:10
And sharing it and sharing it, if possible, with such vulnerability.

Host
00:50:19
So thank you.

Host
00:50:21
I'm so grateful that you have been here with me today.

Host
00:50:25
Is there anything else that you would like to share?

Host
00:50:29
I will share every way to reach you in the show notes, but is there anything else that you would like to share?

Host
00:50:36
In addition to that.

Aransas Savas
00:50:38
Oh, my gosh.

Aransas Savas
00:50:39
Only that I think these women that have had the conversations with on the Uplifters have given us unequivocal truths or unequivocal evidence.

Aransas Savas
00:50:54
Is unequivocal the word?

Aransas Savas
00:50:55
I want, like indisputable.

Aransas Savas
00:50:57
Let's go with indisputable.

Aransas Savas
00:50:59
Indisputable evidence that we can find purpose in pain.

Host
00:51:07
Oh, yeah.

Aransas Savas
00:51:09
And that we are better prepared to create that purpose than we have any idea.

Aransas Savas
00:51:16
And so for any of us who are feeling lost or alone, I would just challenge you to find the courage to be honest and to use it as a jumping off point for connection with others.

Aransas Savas
00:51:33
Because there are so many people who will understand where you've been and who will want to learn alongside you.

Host
00:51:44
Yes.

Host
00:51:46
Is a perfect way to end.

Host
00:51:49
Thank you so much.

Aransas Savas
00:51:51
Thank you.